My Recent Ayahuasca Ceremony

[Emerald]

On 3/31/2024 at 11:41 AM, vibv said:

❤️

<3

[Holymoly]

Thank you for this 

[Etherial Cat]

On 29/03/2024 at 4:05 AM, Emerald said:

Hello Everyone! I do an Ayahuasca ceremony once per year in the Spring. And I just had my yearly Ayahuasca ceremony a couple weeks ago. 

To preface this, it has been revealed to me in previous ceremonies that the purpose of my life is mercy. And that I came from a point of God's consciousness that felt totally overwhelmed by the infinite. So, it created Emerald as an imperfect, ordinary, finite being as a vacation for God's consciousness from the perfect, extraordinary, and infinite. And along with these insights showed me that I (and all of the finite) is a precious gem in its eyes as it is through me (and other finite beings) that beauty and meaning can be derived.

Another thing I had learned in previous ceremonies is that there is a generational trauma pattern that goes through my matrilineal line around betrayal. And this has created a dynamic in my mother, myself, and my daughter where we all feel like we have to have perfect knowledge... because we don't trust God, the universe, ourselves, or anyone else. So, we must have the omniscience of God... because of this lack of trust so that we can avoid the betrayal that we expect at every turn (from our mothers and from God itself).

And this presents itself in different ways for all of us... but the trauma is the same.

My mom convinces herself that she's absolutely right and will sacrifice everything so that she can maintain the idea that she's correct and therefore righteous. I am never certain that I'm right or righteous about anything, so I've spent every spare moment of my life compulsively questioning everything about everything ad infinitum in hopes that I can finally find the truth... only to find nothing solid to grasp. And my daughter will never guess at anything unless she's 200% certain that she knows... so it takes here about 4-5 times longer than her peers to finish her school work.

Here is what happened with the medicine

I went in with the intention to forgive my mom for the ways she's hurt me. My mom is a very fabulous mother to children under the age of 8. She's attentive and really sees the child as a special apple of her eye and she will do anything for them. And this was the treatment that I got until I was 8 and she was my favorite person in the world... shy of maybe my paternal grandma.

And that's when I started to develop a mind of my own that wasn't exactly like hers.

And this began to trigger the fear of not possessing infinite knowledge. And (to avoid getting into too many details) led her to become tyrannical and infantilizing at first to try to keep me in her narrative... trying to keep me from growing up. Then, eventually (at age 12) when she saw that she couldn't control me and I was challenging her logic, she cut me out of her life and I went to go live with my dad. And she didn't talk to me for a year or two at a time at various points during my pre-teens, teens, and earlier adulthood.

So, I wanted to forgive her because I'm still angry and hurt by this... given that it was a total rug-pull and pendulum swing.

And I've been expecting that of God ever since... and continuously questioning everything so that I am not blind-sided in case all of reality and everything I think I know was actually a trick of the devil.... and eventually it will be revealed that I've been in hell the whole time and all the direct experiences of God's mercy were all just a trick.

I've experienced God in my medicine journeys many many times... and I always convince myself afterwards that it could just be an illusion... even though I believe it's real deep down. I'm just always spinning my wheels with a lack of trust and constant questioning... expecting a betrayal from God.

So, in this medicine experience... I woke up to God with me as an extension of its consciousness (as it often presents itself in my Ayahuasca journeys).

And it exposed me (as it had done a couple times before) to infinite knowledge. And infinite knowledge in a finite being is hell... and is a large part of why God decided to manifest part of its consciousness as Emerald in the first place because part of its consciousness could not handle the exposure to the infinite mind and infinite heart.

And when I was exposed to the infinite knowing, I had to actively choose to forget the infinite knowledge and to choose to be Emerald again and again. 

It was showing me that the birth of meaning and beauty comes from choosing finiteness. And if you can choose between being finite and infinite... it's wisest to choose to be finite.

And when I was choosing to be Emerald I was going through the labor pains of birthing myself and the entirety of the world into existence as the finite. The labor pain was experienced as part of God extricating itself from the infinite to become finite.

And I had to keep doing this as I would lose connection to the finite and slip off into the chaos of infinite knowing. And I'd have to trust God that it would choose to re-manifest Emerald again.

And it communicated to me (I was also it so it was like another being was talking to me... but also like I was talking to myself)... and it told me that I can choose to trust it. And it was very understanding as to why I wouldn't trust it because the ways it works aren't easy or possible to grasp from the perspective of a finite being with a finite mind. 

But it said that I could choose to trust it. And it showed me how I/it manifests everything in my life with my own permission. And that I could trust myself to not subject myself to needlessly tragic circumstances. And that any negative circumstances that I have decided to manifest thus far have all come for the purpose of manifesting future positive outcomes.

And it mentioned that the reason why some people experience intense tragedies is because it is part of the things they've come to learn and experience in this life... though it also specified that this is not always a compassionate truth to share when someone is deeply suffering.

So, I could choose to trust God and myself (which were one and the same) to not have the universe do a sudden heal-turn and subject me to needlessly hellish circumstances and that I didn't have to be hyper-vigilant and know everything to avoid the heal-turn.

It also showed me that I chose the whole entire dynamic with my mother... and that there was nothing to actually forgive. 

At a certain point in time, it showed me the reason for authoritarianism, bigotry, hatred, ignorance, and other forms of pettiness. 

The reason why is because most people don't value finiteness and limitation. And in lieu of consciously choosing to limit ourselves... we manifest authoritarian patterns that create unequal power imbalances. (my mom's infinite knowing tendency is a microcosm of this... but it plays out macrocosmically as well).

And this works to stave off the chaos of the infinite and the suffering that entail... but it creates the suffering associated with constriction and repression. 

So... it was showing me that sovereignty and limitation are important to incorporate in the proper balance. That way, we don't fall over on one side of the horse and drown in the chaos of infinite knowledge and don't fall over on the other side of the horse and have our sovereignty squelched.

It was also showing me (as it has before) how valuable and precious the finite is from the perspective of the infinite. 

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

And because God is infinite... the infinite is an infinitely heavy crown to wear. And the reason why God can do so effortlessly is that it has TONS of complex mechanisms for fragmenting itself and distributing the weight of the crown.

This is ultimately where Emerald came from. This part of God's consciousness was overwhelmed by the crown. And so, it manifested Emerald as a very ordinary woman to hold a small portion of the crown from time to time. I'm certain the same is true for all finite forms.

And it had shown me in a previous ceremony the consequences of identifying with extraordinariness and specialness and how existentially heavy and disconnecting that is. And then, when it re-integrated me with the ordinary, it was like all that weight got distributed to all of reality. 

So, in this ceremony it showed me how to hold the crown and pass it around to alleviate the weight of the gifts that I have been given.

And this went from me recognizing that, during my ceremony, I was healing the world. And I proudly wore the crown for a moment.

Then... I realized that I was actually just a side character in the whole story and that the random guy journeying next to me was healing the world. 

Then... I realized that it was actually the Yawanawa tribe that was healing the world.

And I kept dispersing the crown across the whole net of humanity to disperse the weight of the crown... which is also important when it comes to having an experience of being God. You are God.... but then... you are also just a small side character in God's story.

Then, this went on further... and I realized that my whole entire life was as a side character in one of my client's lives. And that all of my life purpose was just to serve that other person.

Then... it shifted to me being a side character in one or two of my other client's lives.

Then, it went to me being a side character in the guy next to me's life. 

And it was releasing all this pressure as I was embracing the anonymity and humility of the experience.

Once I started to come back down where I was more in tune with the Emerald Aspect than I was with the God Aspect... I started to look at all the people journeying around me around  the fire.

And I was overjoyed to be surrounded by all these people. And I felt all this appreciation for all the people in my life. And it was a further solidification of the notion that, it is only through finiteness, imperfection, and separation that things like meaning and beauty and relationship can be experienced. 

At this point, I had totally forgotten the infinite knowledge and saw it was wisest to choose to be Emerald, to choose to be finite, to choose to be ordinary, to choose to be imperfect, and to choose to be feminine. (as I had to keep saying all throughout the ceremony)

To give an analogy... if God is the peacock and I am the peahen... the peahen is drab and dull and ordinary from our perspective... but it is the most beautiful and precious creature on Earth from the perspective of the peacock itself.

And in this sense, all finite beings are the peahens. And this allows us to experience an imperfectly beautiful and meaningful story.

There was also a realization that the line between life and death is slight... and beyond that I could see all these other Emerald-related timelines I could live. And it was clear that I could live as Emerald for a zillion lifetimes if I wanted to as God could spin up my life any time it wanted to. So, that also let me know that I didn't have to worry about ultimate loss and having to die and facing the chaos of the infinite again.

Hi @Emerald,

I know I’m posting months after you originally made that thread, but I read it somewhere last week and tonight, I suddenly felt a sense of insight and a desire to share my perspective with you, just in case it could be helpful.

During my Ayahuasca ceremonies, I also experienced a sense of God and the duality of good and evil.

This was especially true during my very first ceremony, where I started vomiting intensely—something that felt like a pure distillation of unholiness. It had gradually built up during the ceremony until it felt like it had fully taken possession of my mind and body. It was terrifying while it was happening, but my awareness remained intact. I got through it by mobilizing all the mindfulness ‘muscles’ I had built up until that point. The turmoil finally stopped once I was done vomiting, right in front of the bewildered eyes of the shaman. Then, the entire experience shifted abruptly into peace, and I felt a deep sense of clarity, like a clear sky within.

Thankfully, none of my subsequent ceremonies (I’ve had four in total) repeated that same experience.

Since then, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on what that sensation of evil I vomited might have been. While I’m still not certain, my main hypothesis is that I was purging a deep, unconscious sense of shame—perhaps tied to countless subconscious thoughts about what makes someone worthy or unworthy. These had likely accumulated throughout my life. It was very clear to me that what I was expelling was my own personal, tailor-made sense of evil, which reinforces this theory for me.

I don’t share the same fear you mentioned. It never occurred to me that God could deceive me. But I do have other fears related to God, primarily the fear that it doesn’t love me because I am somehow fundamentally flawed. This might explain why I felt like my body and mind were possessed by evil during that first ceremony.

If I dig deeper into my greatest fear, it’s that I am so deeply flawed that I might actually be evil, with no possibility of redemption.

There’s a strong correlation between this fear and my personal story. As a child, I was traumatized by the belief that my blackness (from a very early age) and later, my femininity, were not seen as good qualities to say the least... And I deeply internalized these perspectives. And because they were unchangeable aspects of myself, it felt like a curse. Then, these feelings compounded with other experiences, ultimately leading to a deep shame wound.

The early sense making I had made was that since God made me this way, he didn't love me. Because I wasn't made with the parameters that leads to a great experience. That said, this reversed as I am now seeing this were all blessings, which made me into the being able to share intimacy and depth with great people like you and God appears in so many ways in my experience.  But this came much later in life.

Anyway, reflecting on your journey, what stands out to me is that your greatest fear seems to be that your gift—your profound understanding of the world and your position as God's Beloved—might not be true.

This fear might stem from a subconscious, deep-seated polarization you have against ignorance, self-deception, and the understanding that both knowledge (through judgment of good and bad ) and ignorance leads to the generation of evil. It would make sense, especially since you mention that your gift originates from trauma and is tied to your mother’s conditional love for you. It could be that this all developed from a place of fear that is deeply lodged and could still guide your drive. And for someone in this configuration, I could definitely see why the ultimate feeling of unworthiness would be being the antithesis of all of that.

And for this to happen to you, you would have to have been wrong about all you know. And your most cherished understand would be the one of God.

And so, the remaining of duality in your psyche projects like that.

So, the fear you have of God deceiving you could be a projection of your fear of deception itself, or something along those lines. 
 

Edited October 20 by Etherial Cat