Fear of getting a girl pregnant

[actuallyenlightened]

It seems like as a man, there's not way to eliminate the risk of an unwanted pregnancy - and that exploring my sexuality, and having an active sex life in general carries the risk of being burdened with an extraordinary amount of responsibility that I'm not ready for. It also doesn't help that I have trouble trusting people.

I recently realized that this fear has been a major reason why I sabotage relationships and avoid having sex. 

The main issues:
- Condoms aren't 100% effective.
- Vasectomy's are often irreversible.
- The girl can lie about being on birth control.
- The girl can promise to get an abortion before sex then change her mind.
- It's impossible to legally obtain a 'paper abortion.' If it were possible I would get the contract signed as a precondition for having sex every time. Better yet, I would want to contractually obligate a woman to get an abortion (before having sex) since it's not great for a child to be born into this world with either parent not wanting them. 

I just want to be able to enjoy having sex without the risk of huge repercussions and that seems impossible given how lopsided the law is in favor of women.

Anyone here figured this out? Are my concerns overblown?

Edited March 29 by actuallyenlightened

[Shodburrito]

I disagree with everything you said, and I think your points are just plain odd. First off, condoms work just fine if you put them on right, so there's no reason to worry about them breaking or anything like that. And even if they do break, it's not like you're gonna get pregnant every time.

Vasectomies aren't a big deal either, because you can just get them reversed if you change your mind later on. It's not like they're cutting your balls off or anything.

As for trusting your partner, if you can't trust them to tell the truth about birth control or getting an abortion, then why are you even having sex with them in the first place? T

And this whole idea of a "paper abortion" is just ridiculous. You can't make someone sign a contract saying they have to get an abortion, that's not how it works. If you're not ready to be a dad, then keep it in your pants, simple as that.

Your concerns are way overblown, and honestly, it sounds like you're just making excuses because you're scared of having sex. Millions of people do it every day without any problems, so what's your deal? Maybe you need to work on your trust issues and stop being such a baby about it.

The law isn't unfair to men, it's just there to make sure everyone is treated fairly. If you can't handle the responsibility of having sex, then you're not mature enough to be doing it in the first place. 

[Hojo]

You could go to purely one night stands and pick up away from home.

Edited March 29 by Hojo

[aurum]

@actuallyenlightened

There is no magic solution here.

You need to sleep with women that you can trust. Being discerning, do not sleep with low integrity people. 

From there, you need to take precautions as far as birth control. This will require maturity on your end because she may not ask for it. I find condoms generally work best. I have concerns about the negative health effects of going on the pill for women.

1 hour ago, actuallyenlightened said:

I just want to be able to enjoy having sex without the risk of huge repercussions and that seems impossible given how lopsided the law is in favor of women.

Lopsided how?

Edited March 29 by aurum

[Leo Gura]

Risk of pregnancy is very real.

Best solution is to get vasectomy. You can store some sperm on ice in a bank just in case.

Edited March 29 by Leo Gura

[actuallyenlightened]

1 hour ago, Shodburrito said:

First off, condoms work just fine if you put them on right, so there's no reason to worry about them breaking or anything like that. And even if they do break, it's not like you're gonna get pregnant every time.

You're telling me to take this risk at my own expense?

1 hour ago, Shodburrito said:

Vasectomies aren't a big deal either, because you can just get them reversed if you change your mind later on. It's not like they're cutting your balls off or anything.

Not always successful.

 

1 hour ago, Shodburrito said:

As for trusting your partner, if you can't trust them to tell the truth about birth control or getting an abortion, then why are you even having sex with them in the first place? T

Many bad apples have mastered the craft of deceit. I'm good at seeing through lies but can't say I can detect more than 70% of them. 

1 hour ago, aurum said:

You need to sleep with women that you can trust. Being discerning, do not sleep with low integrity people. 

Well yeah that's why I sabotage relationships because most people have yellow flags.

1 hour ago, Shodburrito said:

And this whole idea of a "paper abortion" is just ridiculous. You can't make someone sign a contract saying they have to get an abortion, that's not how it works.

The law needs reforming. Adult women are adult enough to be legally held to promises they make. Such promise in paper form doesn't violate body autonomy because they would willingly sign it.

1 hour ago, Shodburrito said:

If you're not ready to be a dad, then keep it in your pants, simple as that.

With that logic everyone who doesn't want to be a dad because they aren't financially secure should never have sex. i.e. all university students, and basically anyone before their mid-20s. 

1 hour ago, Shodburrito said:

and stop being such a baby about it.

Yep this is what they say when people don't agree with them.

1 hour ago, Hojo said:

You could go to purely one night stands and pick up away from home.

The law sure incentivizes this.

1 hour ago, aurum said:

Lopsided how?

If a woman gets pregnant she holds all the cards. There's absolutely nothing a man can do. If a woman doesn't think she can support a child then she gets an abortion. Too bad if you're a man you pay for 18 years of child support. If a man wants to be a dad but the woman wants the pill then he doesn't get to be one. As far as fairness goes, the man and woman should have 50% of the say on how the pregnancy goes; and body autonomy is simply a justification used to give women complete power. I'm fine with women maintaining body autonomy as long as men have a way to opt out within a few weeks into pregnancy (less than the time limit for abortions).

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Best solution is to get vasectomy. You can store some sperm on ice in a bank just in case.

I'm seriously considering this

[aurum]

11 minutes ago, actuallyenlightened said:

Well yeah that's why I sabotage relationships because most people have yellow flags.

+

10 minutes ago, actuallyenlightened said:

If a woman gets pregnant she holds all the cards. There's absolutely nothing a man can do. If a woman doesn't think she can support a child then she gets an abortion. Too bad if you're a man you pay for 18 years of child support. If a man wants to be a dad but the woman wants the pill then he doesn't get to be one. As far as fairness goes, the man and woman should have 50% of the say on how the pregnancy goes; and body autonomy is simply a justification used to give women complete power. I'm fine with women maintaining body autonomy as long as men have a way to opt out within a few weeks into pregnancy (less than the time limit for abortions).

Your trust issues are also badly skewing the way that you view the law in this situation.

Consider spending some time introspecting on these fears. You can't do much in life without a basic level of trust. And you are always trusting something, even it it's sabotage. You trust that sabotage will get you what you want. What makes you so confident sabotage is a winning strategy? And what do you get out of it? 

[actuallyenlightened]

2 minutes ago, aurum said:

Your trust issues are also badly skewing the way that you view the law in this situation.

Skewed in what way?

3 minutes ago, aurum said:

Consider spending some time introspecting on these fears. You can't do much in life without a basic level of trust. And you are always trusting something, even it it's sabotage. You trust that sabotage will get you what you want. What makes you so confident sabotage is a winning strategy? And what do you get out of it? 

Introspecting I have done, and continue to do so. This is why I am aware of this. It's just unsettling that there is a small risk that my life can take a drastic turn for the worse by having sex just once. I'm aware that other issues such as a natural disaster, getting stabbed by a homeless man, etc are similar in nature but the probability of this happening seems like an order of magnitude more likely. 

In terms of a winning strategy, I think I would eventually decide to just take the risk and proceed. Living life without romantic relationships is also very costly.

[aurum]

2 minutes ago, actuallyenlightened said:

Skewed in what way?

Skewed as in strongly biased, which of course is directly related to your fear. Fear and bias go hand and hand. Your mind is distorting your perspective on the law to protect yourself.

Notice that this whole story about how the legal system is rigged against men keeps you paralyzed and avoiding relationships. Isn't that highly convenient for you? Wthout that story, you might have to actually get into a relationship.

[actuallyenlightened]

10 minutes ago, aurum said:

Skewed as in strongly biased, which of course is directly related to your fear. Fear and bias go hand and hand. Your mind is distorting your perspective on the law to protect yourself.

Notice that this whole story about how the legal system is rigged against men keeps you paralyzed and avoiding relationships. Isn't that highly convenient for you? Wthout that story, you might have to actually get into a relationship.

But my story of the legal system lines up with the actual legal system, no? I'm just making conclusions based on my understanding of it, which I'm assuming is correct. 

I know well that if I accidentally get a girl pregnant after taking all precautions available to me, then I would be powerless. Is this not correct?

A lot of my fear literally stems from this legal issue

Edited March 29 by actuallyenlightened

[aurum]

4 minutes ago, actuallyenlightened said:

I'm just making conclusions based on my understanding of it, which I'm assuming is correct. 

You are making conclusions by unconsciously selecting facts to support your emotional agenda.

Otherwise known as making excuses.

You really think your interpretation of the law is objective?

[actuallyenlightened]

6 minutes ago, aurum said:

You really think your interpretation of the law is objective?

Uh well yes, at least in Canada or the US. Tell me a time when this wasn't the case? Like when a court ruled in favor of a man in these types of circumstances

[aurum]

32 minutes ago, actuallyenlightened said:

Uh well yes, at least in Canada or the US. Tell me a time when this wasn't the case? Like when a court ruled in favor of a man in these types of circumstances

Consider thinking about my previous points. I’m just a random stranger giving advice on internet, but I highly suspect that your perspective on the current legal situation will shift if you work on your fears. And your relationships will also be in a much better place.

[actuallyenlightened]

1 minute ago, aurum said:

Consider thinking about my previous points. I’m just a random stranger giving advice on internet, but I highly suspect that your perspective on the current legal situation will shift if you work on your fears. And your relationships will also be in a much better place.

Sure, my perspective and attitude would likely shift, I just don't think my factual understanding of it would unless I'm misunderstanding it

[Michael569]

Use condoms, they are extremely reliable and effective. Go fora proper brand like Durex with a long standing reputation not some cheap brand.

Don't put your girl on OCP just so that you can enjoy an unprotected pleasure, honestly guys who do that are dickheads. However if she wants to do it at her own initiative that's fine. 

Just make sure, a few seconds before you finish, to check with your hand if the condom is safely attached or hasn't slided. The fail ratio is really really low. Then also check after everything was alright. 

There is no 100% prevention and in the end if you don't want to feel anxious at all, you can't have sex. Some risks are worth it, some aren't 

 

[Jayson G]

@actuallyenlightened

Just be strategic man, use condoms properly, store them properly, dont have sex drunk, that's 98% effective, which should mean you never really have a problem

Now in the 2% chance the condom breaks or leaks or whatever, you use plan B within 24 hours .. I've had to give girls plan B over like 8 times, mainly because I had a bit of paranoia. You're now at 99.5% effectiveness. 

Now say after all that, the girl still gets pregnant. Then most likely she will want an abortion. I think you're fear is a bit irrational. She would most likely want an abortion, considering that you're a stranger, its unwanted to begin with, unplanned, no support and resistance from you, etc. Now you're at 99.99% effectiveness. 

Congrats, you're good for life. And honestly don't let this stop you from living. Of course don't be a madman going after every girl, but what's life without some fearless adventure?

[Raze]

It’s pretty unlikely the condom will fail, and she’s lying about birth control / birth control fails, and she doesn’t want to take plan b or get an abortion.

[Leo Gura]

1) It's not unusual for a condom to slip off. This will certainly happen to you if you have a decent amount of sex.

2) You can purchase Plan B, morning-after pills on Amazon. You should have some in your bedstand at all times, in case your condom slips off. Then you can offer your girl the pill without having to drive somewhere to buy it. This makes your life much easier and less awkward. If you have to drive out to find it, the odds are higher that she will not take it. And the sooner she takes it the better it works.

3) Vasectomy does not destroy your capacity to produce sperm. Your nuts will still make sperm, which can be extracted with a needle if you seriously need children.

4) Sex with condoms sucks. Sex would be way better after vasectomy.

A vasectomy is really a no-brainer unless you're serious about children. Having a pregnancy with the wrong girl at the wrong time can ruin your whole life.

A vasectomy takes 5 minutes and costs $750.

Edited March 29 by Leo Gura

[Yali]

32 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

A vasectomy takes 5 minutes and costs $750.

Have you had one? @Leo Gura

[Leo Gura]

14 minutes ago, Yali said:

Have you had one? @Leo Gura

No, but I was planning on it.

I don't have much sex right now so it's not a top priority for me.

Edited March 29 by Leo Gura