Opportunity with a very young girl, what should I do ? Need advice.

[thierry]

Okay so let’s put the context. I am a 27yo Man and have a very fragile psychology I would say at that time, and have an opportunity with a 17 old virgin girl. 

And I am opening myself up to the idea of transforming this opportunity eventhough I can feel there is something wrong. 
 

So this is the story:

I met this girl 2years ago. I was 25 she was 15 in the summer. I was working as a beach volley ball trainer for the summer and she was one of the female player. 
 

at the time I was completely suicidal and going through life hopeless but this summer job giving me some responsibility eventhough I was very very tied made me feel a little better. 
 

anyway I do not remember how it happened in details but everyone liked me as a trainer. And particularly this girl. She ad me on Instagram. She basically once told me she was going to be late on insta but we kept talking. 
 

at the time, it was obvious I was not gonna do anything about her. I am a 25years old adult and she is a child. 
 

but anyway, I am very friendly towards all the childs that trains and I liked her so I was gonna befriend her eventhough even at the time, it was obvious she had an eye for me. 
 

anyway, then I came back to my life after summer and the darkness which was lighten by this summer job came back as well. 
 

I thought I was gonna spend another year in darkness except eventhough I thought she would give up on me. This girl kept sending me messages on insta or text, I was just replying at the beginning but as time spent I have to say, it felt really good having her in my dark time. 
 

I told her things like « you’re really a friend I can count on, I appreciate that » and she would reply « yes you’ll always be able to count on me » so I was glad eventhough she was very young I had a friend showering me with girly Love energy every day. 
 

the thing is eventhough I would thought she was gonna be my friend and would find a boyfriend which would makes her detach from me one day or another. 
 

It has been now 2years and we still talk and  she did not have any boyfriend during this 2 years. 
 

during this two years I can say I developed a genuine care and respect for her. I really appreciate her. It feels really good to have her energy around me. I can really feel I can count on her. 
 

anyway now comes the problem situation. Last week end, I spent my week end where I train volley ball (2hours from my home) which is where she lives. 
 

I told her and of course we saw each other the day as usual as friend, except this time, she invited me the night in her jacuzzi, I told her yes and it would be even better if we went in the cold sea at night just before the jacuzzi, so that’s what we did.

it was cool and in the jacuzzi we spent like an hour in silence, and then I’m looking at her. She’s in complete silence looking in front of her and saying to myself I want to hold her hand. So I’m hesitating for like 30 minutes and then take her hand and start playing with it. Then she comes right beside me and put her head on my chest, I start cuddling her in the jacuzzi for like 30minutes then it is 2am and I feel tied and tell her I need to go, she tells me I can stay sleep in her hut with her as her parents will get up very early in the morning and won’t notice. By the way her parents accepted that I would go for a jacuzzi with her. They know me and trust me. but for them I would go home after the jacuzzi. 
 

anyway so we went in the hut and « sleep » except of course we cuddled for two +hours. Her breathing was accelerating as I was cuddling her. I restrained myself not to go in sexual territory telling myself I should at least think through it. 
 

anyway I’m home and her text are more than never gf types of text, and of course I enjoy it. I won’t lie I’m going with the flow myself. 
 

Now I do not know what to do. It is the moment to say yes or no I feel. I also have to say I have a very good reputation in the town she lives and as a volley ball trainer so I would not want to tarnish that. 
 

What are your opinions about this ? Is that wrong ? What do you think I should do about that ? 

[thierry]

Also I talked about it with the girlfriend of my younger brother which I consider a lot more mature and responsible than me eventhough she is younger and she told me that it is my responsibility to stop contact with her and that what I am doing is wrong and that she does not find a healthy boyfriend of her age because of me. Because I’m still talking to her. 

[Phil King]

In my opinion, its wrong and seems like grooming. Not saying that you have bad intentions, its just frowned upon in much of society to meet an underage girl when your a decade older and then nurture a relationship over the course of a couple years to end up taking her virginity. Also Im not sure where youre from, but 17 is under the age of consent in many western nations. If I were you, I would stop thinking of this girl in a romantic way, and limit contact. Find someone who is legal

[Thought Art]

Ew + Illegal? Idk the law where you are. People generally think girls under 18 is mega mega creepy. Very socially dangerous behaviour imo. 

It may be tough, but this is time for you to really reflect and think about the consequences of this for your future and hers. The potential damage of this is very big and you should take it seriously.

This is one of those fuck around and find out situations. 

 

Be a man, and keep yourself and minors safe. It may “feel good”, but that’s what being with a woman feels anyway. You know better than how you are acting. Use your sexual energy wisely. 
 

Protect them, and yourself. 

 

Edited March 19 by Thought Art

[meta_male]

16 hours ago, thierry said:

And I am opening myself up to the idea of transforming this opportunity eventhough I can feel there is something wrong. 

Remind yourself that not only the heart needs to say yes, but also the head...otherwise you'll get yourself into a mess (it's unwise to ignore your gut feeling and you probably are aware of that).

On another note I was surprised France's age of consent is 15, over here it's 16, which is still way too young in my opinion.

[Hojo]

are you going with the flow or are you thinking about having sex with a 17 year old that you met when you met when they were 15

Going with the flow is not engaging in holding hands and cuddling and asking if it would be ok to start having sex with them and thinking about having sex with them.

You wouldn't even be thinking about them if you were going with the flow this is strategic thinking.

You say the parents were ok with you in the jacuzzi do you think they would be ok with you 2 together?

If you go on people will notice you are having sex with people you coached when they were children.(and still are imo)

Sounds like bad news to me

I think you should go with the flow. That dosent mean engaging with people. If it happens it happens but be conscious of what you are doing. What you are doing is not going with the flow you say you started holding her hand, thats not going with the flow thats pushing against the current.

Stop strategically thinking about what will happen and start thinking about what you would feel if it happened and think about those. Its happening what am I feeling? focus imagination on yourself. The feelings are showing you something about you. You dont want the specific person you want something metaphysical, so stop limiting imagination to one thing, because this will get you into trouble.

Edited March 24 by Hojo

[byte]

Opportunity for what? Building a life together? Having a good time for a while? Consider what your and her genuine expectations and feelings are, and communicate about it, so both of you are on the same page. Then make a decision on what you think and feel is in her and your best interest.

[TheCloud]

I've been friends with a girl for well over a decade who contacted me online when she was mid-teens and I was somewhere in my mid-twenties.  We never had anything sexual happen, though it has come up.  So I can say from experience that age-different relationships do have long-term potential.  I can also say from (other) experiences that sex can change everything.

Maybe ask her straight out of she thinks you're creeping on her.  Be honest with her and yourself about where you imagine things going, what her parents might think, what your friends might think.  Maybe before crossing the line physically, talk in-depth about what a life together might be like, including the very real challenges.  Or maybe she just wants to bang an older dude.  Maybe you're the one who'd end up being used.  You won't know it until you talk about it.  While you can't totally ignore a potential impact on your livelihood and reputation, her intentions, situation, and state of mind are a lot more important.

There is no "safe" thing to do with a minor, though.  Even if it's legal.

[thierry]

@Hojo the only strategic thinking was in restricting myself from going further. 
 

holding her hands and cuddling was natural and « going with the flow » as you say. 
 

@byte  I do not know. That is the issue, I do not want to hurt her in any ways 

All I can say is that we already built deep trust in each other. 
 

as we were cuddling and things naturally were slipping into sexual territory I stepped back from her and started thinking. She asked me « what is there ? What are you thinking about? » I replied to her that « I’m feeling good with you but I have resistance due to the fact that you are 17 »  which she replied a silent, then I told her « you can’t leave me alone on that one, you have to say something » then she said « I don’t know, I let you make the decisions » 

@TheCloud I am not creeping on her at all. She does not want to just bang an older dude. If it was the case she could already have done it with an other dude. 
The only things I’m scared of is 

-potentially breaking her heart.

-my reputation

[Breakingthewall]

If you really want to be with her, I would do

It's obvious that she wants too, in fact is her who did the choice, even her parents approve. Do you think her parents think you're castrated, when they allow you to be with her in the jacuzzi? They probably would have talked about it. Dad, mom, I want the first time to be with this guy. Well daughter, if that's what you want, we trust your feeling. etc

It's not like you are having sex with your students, it's an special case, a real relationship after 2 years, I would have no doubts, follow your feeling and forget the world. 

Edited March 25 by Breakingthewall

[Davino]

I agree with @Breakingthewall here

Look the situation is hard and you'll have to think it through carefully in regards with social calibration, being very discreet and keeping it in private for a while. In the end you'll have to take the decisions you want despite the norms of society. This was super normal and healthy sixty years ago.

It would be better to be with a woman your age and not a girl but whatever, sometimes love hits you like a train. Remember social calibration though and the responsability of taking someone's virginity. I would frame the relationship more on bonding together and maturing than on sexual fixation

[TheCloud]

11 hours ago, thierry said:

I am not creeping on her at all. She does not want to just bang an older dude. If it was the case she could already have done it with an other dude. 
The only things I’m scared of is 

-potentially breaking her heart.

-my reputation

Then I'd say the thing to do now if you haven't made up your mind, might be to have her weigh in on this thread.  It's impossible to favorably resolve all the questions in our minds just hearing your side, no matter how pure and forthright you are.

The issues with your relationship going forward right now seem to be, for one, circumstantial;  she's 17, and been in increasingly intimate contact with you since 15.  Also, you do have to be aware that you likely have confidence issues, and so a 17yo might be subconsciously easier for you than a mature woman.  This isn't necessarily fatal, but you might need to keep in mind that a reason you're doing this is because it's easy and you're sad.

Any of these could be reasons for you to quit, or they might just be things for you to work through.

Edit:  There are reasons that relationships between minors and adults are poorly regarded.  Keep in mind that going through with this means having the determination to go against those reasons.

Edited March 25 by TheCloud

[Emotionalmosquito]

Not sure what the AOC is in Paris. But here in the states it goes as low as 16 in some places. If she’s legal, she’s legal. That’s really all there is to it. Just make damn sure she really is the age she claims to be. If she actually turns out to be underage, drop her like a hot potato immediately. Even if she’s old enough people will still hate on you for it, but that’s just human nature to bitch about stuff they don’t understand. 

People are so up in arms about the whole age thing most of society finds it creepy to date an 18yo at any age over 21.

 

[Davino]

13 hours ago, TheCloud said:

Also, you do have to be aware that you likely have confidence issues, and so a 17yo might be subconsciously easier for you than a mature woman.  This isn't necessarily fatal, but you might need to keep in mind that a reason you're doing this is because it's easy and you're sad.

Yeah, this is the elephant in the room 

[thierry]

1 hour ago, Davino said:

Yeah, this is the elephant in the room 

Yes I know.

thanks guys for all replys, that’s really appreciated.

[TheCloud]

6 hours ago, thierry said:

Yes I know.

thanks guys for all replys, that’s really appreciated.

I don't want to be all downer.  From what you say, it sounds as if you're open and conscientious with her, and she with you.  If you stay open to objections, and she isn't objecting, then that's a good thing.  The reasons this kind of age-difference relationship is frowned upon may not apply to your situation.  Any relationship has an inherent risk of both parties getting hurt.  It's not guaranteed that she won't get more hurt if you reject her, especially if you flush a mutual thing for the sake of something like your reputation.

I don't have any realistic knowledge of what it takes to make your situation work, or when to call it off.  I'm just saying all I can think of.  I hope it all works out for both your bests.

[bebotalk]

grown men dating teens? mega cringe. 

[Consept]

First of all I dont think your intentions were bad or that you planned on grooming her to have sex. What seems to have happened is that you were working in a job where you had responsibility for young people and (this happens a lot), a young girl developed a crush on you. 

Now the issue is because you seem to have confidence, self esteem issues or were just going through a bad time, you entertained this crush, as in you enjoyed the attention and encouraged it to go on. The reality is you shouldve stopped it from the start, because you wouldve realised that this is something that can happen and you have to have that barrier. Because you didnt youve let it get to the stage where shes now heavily invested and likes you even more and youre considering taking it further with her.

Whether its your confidence or whatever, there is no way to look at this other than you are taking advantage of her, you may not be consciously but you definitely are as you are the adult. She has no experience with the emotions that shes feeling, she has never had a relationship before, so you are in the position of power fully. If you were to do something with her, people would recognise that when you are in a position of power over minors, you will take advantage of it by having sex with them. This will decimate your reputation, you will not be allowed to work with young kids again, period. 

You are doing this to sort out your confidence issues but it will actually make things so much worse when you are ostracised because of this. I agree with your brothers gf in that it is 100% your responsibility to cut this off for the sake of both of you. Dont listen to people in this thread saying its legal, that is not the issue here. 

Personally ive actually dealt with this situation myself where young girls have come on to me whilst I was working in youth services, it is flattering but its something I had to cut off straight away, I had in my head the boundaries. One girl did add me on facebook, which I even felt uncomfortable about accepting and in retrospect Im not sure if id do now. But we didnt message or anything like that. 

[Nilsi]

On 19.3.2024 at 9:41 PM, thierry said:

Okay so let’s put the context. I am a 27yo Man and have a very fragile psychology I would say at that time, and have an opportunity with a 17 old virgin girl. 

And I am opening myself up to the idea of transforming this opportunity eventhough I can feel there is something wrong. 
 

So this is the story:

I met this girl 2years ago. I was 25 she was 15 in the summer. I was working as a beach volley ball trainer for the summer and she was one of the female player. 
 

at the time I was completely suicidal and going through life hopeless but this summer job giving me some responsibility eventhough I was very very tied made me feel a little better. 
 

anyway I do not remember how it happened in details but everyone liked me as a trainer. And particularly this girl. She ad me on Instagram. She basically once told me she was going to be late on insta but we kept talking. 
 

at the time, it was obvious I was not gonna do anything about her. I am a 25years old adult and she is a child. 
 

but anyway, I am very friendly towards all the childs that trains and I liked her so I was gonna befriend her eventhough even at the time, it was obvious she had an eye for me. 
 

anyway, then I came back to my life after summer and the darkness which was lighten by this summer job came back as well. 
 

I thought I was gonna spend another year in darkness except eventhough I thought she would give up on me. This girl kept sending me messages on insta or text, I was just replying at the beginning but as time spent I have to say, it felt really good having her in my dark time. 
 

I told her things like « you’re really a friend I can count on, I appreciate that » and she would reply « yes you’ll always be able to count on me » so I was glad eventhough she was very young I had a friend showering me with girly Love energy every day. 
 

the thing is eventhough I would thought she was gonna be my friend and would find a boyfriend which would makes her detach from me one day or another. 
 

It has been now 2years and we still talk and  she did not have any boyfriend during this 2 years. 
 

during this two years I can say I developed a genuine care and respect for her. I really appreciate her. It feels really good to have her energy around me. I can really feel I can count on her. 
 

anyway now comes the problem situation. Last week end, I spent my week end where I train volley ball (2hours from my home) which is where she lives. 
 

I told her and of course we saw each other the day as usual as friend, except this time, she invited me the night in her jacuzzi, I told her yes and it would be even better if we went in the cold sea at night just before the jacuzzi, so that’s what we did.

it was cool and in the jacuzzi we spent like an hour in silence, and then I’m looking at her. She’s in complete silence looking in front of her and saying to myself I want to hold her hand. So I’m hesitating for like 30 minutes and then take her hand and start playing with it. Then she comes right beside me and put her head on my chest, I start cuddling her in the jacuzzi for like 30minutes then it is 2am and I feel tied and tell her I need to go, she tells me I can stay sleep in her hut with her as her parents will get up very early in the morning and won’t notice. By the way her parents accepted that I would go for a jacuzzi with her. They know me and trust me. but for them I would go home after the jacuzzi. 
 

anyway so we went in the hut and « sleep » except of course we cuddled for two +hours. Her breathing was accelerating as I was cuddling her. I restrained myself not to go in sexual territory telling myself I should at least think through it. 
 

anyway I’m home and her text are more than never gf types of text, and of course I enjoy it. I won’t lie I’m going with the flow myself. 
 

Now I do not know what to do. It is the moment to say yes or no I feel. I also have to say I have a very good reputation in the town she lives and as a volley ball trainer so I would not want to tarnish that. 
 

What are your opinions about this ? Is that wrong ? What do you think I should do about that ? 

Don’t you know the oldest rule in the book? [age/2+7]

[Jehovah increases]

On 27/03/2024 at 5:16 PM, bebotalk said:

grown men dating teens? mega cringe. 

Yes, a grown man who needs advice.