I lost trust in my judgement.

[Ropuch7]

Hi,  
I need some thoughtful outside perspective. I may have gone a little overboard with the details, but I really want to avoid triviality and wasting time.   
And you can always ask chatGPT for TLDR.

I don't ask for life advice easily. I thought through my situation 100s of times.   
I got to a point where I lost trust in my own judgment.
I could use some direct advice coming from more experience.  

  
My purpose:  
For all of my teenage years, I was focused on understanding the reality.  
I lacked mentorship, so I also "wasted" time on games, YouTube, movies, Internet. 
"Wasted" in quotes, because I don't really judge myself. I immersed myself in diverse types of vibes, aesthetics, communities, humor, etc.  
Free digital wandering gave me a glimpse of the different tastes and textures of life
From a practical perspective, I recognize this as highly dysfunctional.
Anyway, in the back of my mind, I only cared about THE TRUTH.  
This combined with a catholic upbringing made me into a devout teen. Between 15-16, I went to church every morning.  
As expected, religion didn't quench the thirst for the Absolute. At 17 I left the church and became miserable nihilist.  
At 18 I got into Peterson's work, and eagerly took on materialism and evolutionary psychology as my new belief systems.  
~6 months had passed before I realized this was dogma all over again. So, I dropped back into nihilism.  
I finally admitted to myself I was lost and looked up "how to deal with nihilism" on YouTube. That's how I found Leo.  
I listened for 100s of hours to the bald man vocalizing all of my suppressed intuitions and much more.  
Around 19th birthday, I had my first trip, and in the following year, I did a total of 20-30 trips on LSD, shrooms, 2c-b, and 5-meo.  
I got glimpses of comprehension beyond the conceptual. I decided I need to transform my life to accommodate more serious inquiry.  
I spent the whole 20th year of life contemplating the future, and my place in the human world.  
For now, my purpose is to learn more and explore further. I don't REALLY know how the world works.  
For now, I refuse to take on any simplified mission statement like: "fighting [whatever]", "helping others with [whatever]", and "developing [whatever] technology".  
I don't REALLY understand systems, human mind, technology, geopolitics, economy, relationships, health, art, and especially THE TRUTH.  

My goal:
I need financial independence and abundance to enable:
 Unrestricted spiritual development, learning, exploration, uncompromised health optimization, creating a new social circle aligned with my values, and clarity of mind.
 Some of those things may not require massive wealth.
 But they do require fund reserves or passive income. Otherwise, they are highly constricted.
 The more ambitious the goals, the more freedom matters.
 
 My financial situation up until now:
 Before 18, I was too busy deconstructing my values to think care about school or making money. My parents provided me with the necessary minimum.
 After that, I decided I needed to move out. Living with a big family and animals is highly distracting, and I only cared for mental clarity.
 I got a handyman job for a stable income and enrolled in paid clinical trials for a cash boost. I ended up sharing an apartment with a friend, due to high rent.
 The job was mind-numbing and morale-degrading. Living with a friend not much better than with family.
 However, during 8 months on my own, I learned a lot. About life and my priorities.
 And my family readjusted their attitude towards me, started to respect me more, and listen to my ideas.
 I decided to use it as my strategic advantage. In the last October, I struck a temporary deal with my father:
 - I get to leave the job, move back home, and get more independence and privacy.
 - Family will support me while I create a better source of income for myself.
 - Father gives me a job as his trainer/coach/assistant and I help him fix his health.
Unfortunately, I wasn't mindful enough (busy tripping) to save up much, so I only have about $1500. My family can't invest in my venture as they struggle with high debt.

My strategy:
Using the buffer of Dad's money and trust, I allowed myself to be picky. I analyzed available opportunities looking for the following criteria:
- time and location freedom - I prioritize my health and flexibility. I need to be able to optimize my day. I also need to oversee Dad's training.
- not overly technical - I can learn a lot, but I don't have any hard skills.
- quick to generate income - lack is a bottleneck for almost all of my areas of development
- low responsibility - I don't want strong ties with partners or clients. I will probably change my financial vehicle after I gather enough funds.
- cheap to start - I only own $1500, and prefer to avoid loans.
I spent a couple of months grappling with different ideas. The only one that checks all the boxes is Social media dropshipping.
Obviously, it's very overhyped and not the easiest thing to do properly. However, to me, it seems valid and attainable.
I could use it for up to 2 years to gather money before investing in something more personal and conscious.

My progress:
In the last two months, I managed to:
- Form an LLC in the US (I live in Poland)
- Obtain an EIN (tax number)
- Open business bank accounts
I spent most of that time on:
- doubting and rethinking my approach, or rather convincing myself that the strategy makes sense
- getting shiny object syndrome from other shallow business models (like mini mobile apps)
- watching AI/tech news, wondering if I shouldn't be doing something with AI
- getting distracted by random shit (same old - YouTube, movies, forum, family)

What's stopping me:
When I think about doing TikTok dropshipping, I deeply hate it.
I hate shallow business gurus and their capitalistic, self-righteous ideology.
I hate doom-scrolling culture and the thought that I would contribute to it.
I hate selling random shit to people who don't need it, further distracting them from real problems.
I hate dishonest, MrBeastified ads that only exist to hack the algorithm and human attention.
I hate the thought of creating this type of business and taking part in this stupid shitshow.
This creates an enormous friction in my mind. 
My moral spine, sense of beauty, and intellectual integrity stop me from partaking in that. 
And my strategic mind tells me that I will do this only for a short time, and use the money for the net positive.
Yet I keep thinking that: "I can do better", "There has to be another way".
I want to be smarter and create a more conscious business. But I know that building a conscious business requires mental clarity and focus which I don't have, exactly because of the lack of money. This creates a painful paradox for me.
Unable to solve this puzzle, I fall back into my life-long addictions and total paralysis by analysis. My mind acts like an animal trapped in a cage. Flailing its paws and roaring. Doing anything to avoid confrontation with the problem.

My dilemma
I see two main options:
1. I am severely addicted to distractions and overthinking. All of this is an elaborate rationalization conjured up by an immature, unstable mind.
   I should just start dropshipping, selling whatever, and then use the money to improve my life, which will give me more clarity for further decisions.
2. The irrational behavior, stalling, and procrastination, are pointing to the fact that my rational mind is forcing something which I deep down don't want to do. I miscalculated my priorities and chose the wrong vehicle to get to my goals. I should listen to my heart, take a few steps back, and come up with a new strategy from scratch.

Edited March 19 by Ropuch7

[Girzo]

"Pytasz co robić? Powiem to Ci
Rób co najlepiej Ci wychodzi"
- Kaliber 44

(Are you asking what to do? I'll tell you)
(Do what you can do best)

Why the hell have you started an LLC if you generate no income, have no business? You can do digital marketing and ecommerce in Poland, you don't need the US company for that. But I don't see you having experience in that market so I don't know why it's you choice if you so despise it.

I think the better option would had been to stay at parents and take up some permanent job, and then do some gig overtime, so you can save money. You have no capital and no business right now.

This or moving abroad to work some hard job and save, as you have no relevant experience and capital.

No wonder you don't trust your judgment, as what you have described is more and more procrastination. Starting an LLC without even having a simple web store and selling a few widgets through dropshipping is like building a house starting from a roof.

Maybe read "The Millionaire Fastlane" by MJ DeMarco. This book has bad political takes, but the business advice in it cuts through all the bullshit.

AI trend is a distraction IMO, unless you want to be a clever online scammer. Then it's a good niche from scamming people, like the crypto schemes were.

Some tough love for you. Sending best wishes. Find friends who are into ecommerce if you want to go into this business, you can make a good money there, my neighbor is selling hula hops for twice what he buys it marketing it as a fitness gear to lose weight on paid Facebook and Instagram ads. like $4k a month of volume on just this one item, half of which is profit, but he doesn't pocket that much, the taxes and stuff on it are really complicated and you need a really high volume of sales to make it viable. That's the reason behind my scolding for having an LLC while not having even tried to sell anything.

Edited March 23 by Girzo

[TheCloud]

I can't help you with hacking your finances, but if you want to go deeper into consciousness, I would suggest learning about emotions.  It's a common blind spot, and it's usually where the real problems are when it comes to procrastination and nihilism and the like.  Relationships also tie right into that emotion thing.  They aren't a backburner thing you can figure you "when you get rich."  Your knowledge or ignorance in emotional and relational matters is affecting you big time, right now.

[Ropuch7]

I started the topic in one of the lowest points, as my last attempt at formalizing the problem, after which I had a kind of breakthrough, and gained some clarity.

I do think it was procrastination. I also think I am addicted to it. Addicted to an endless rethinking of my plans and distracting myself in the process.

To test it, I decided to quit the distractors cold turkey. I gave myself a temporary ban on Yt, news, social media, checking messages, random snacking, and even this forum - I am only here because of the first relapse. After posting that I'll be back off the grid.

I kept myself from breaking for the past week and managed to push the needle a little bit. In silence and limited stimulation, my state of mind changes drastically. I know it's banal, but in my case, it is very pronounced. Because deep down, I am not that confused. I am leading myself to that useless state by stubbornly disrupting the flow of thoughts.

@TheCloud You are right. And for me, the main emotion causing the procrastination is fear of choosing the wrong strategy. Fear of acting foolishly or missing out on better opportunities. I am deeply unsettled by the idea of dedicating myself without contemplating other alternatives enough. Then again, the consciousness of how my material situation influences my emotions in deep ways creates pressure for me to take action quickly. It's not really about waiting for the riches, and more about stability and independence from conflicting surroundings.

Instead of reconciling this mix, my mind falls back on learned comfort zones. It feels mechanistic and reflexive. Emotions of fear and safety-seeking are activating it, but the specific way of coping with them seems learned. Hence I call it an addiction. Does it make sense?

@Girzo I appreciate your honest feedback. You make valid points. And I was unclear about my plan.

Shortly:

E-commerce in the US, because seems easier to start. There is some hustle with the formalities, yes. But the audience is much bigger, people are on average better-off, and more eager to buy on social media.

I started an LLC because it is necessary for selling on Tiktok Shop. It also helps with opening some accounts (banks, suppliers, e-commerce software, ads for the US).

Obviously, there is a lot of sense in taking a job and saving up. However, the e-com path, with all its flaws, is much more aligned with my values. And I think I can make it work, despite limited resources. For now, I am not willing to settle with anything "worse" than dropshipping. I want to at least give it a proper try.

And even the hatred I described, shouldn't really stop me. I could use the low-conscious marketing for gathering any money, and then immediately invest it into something more honest. Even if just a more ethical version of dropshipping.

Does that make sense for you? Or do you think the whole strategy is flawed?

I probably come off as suddenly sure of myself. The truth is, I did think it through. There are also many subtle and personal aspects of my decisions, which I am unable to explain here, even in my long-ass posts.

That doesn't mean I don't welcome your thoughts. I did have a little mental breakdown just a week ago, so I probably shouldn't trust myself too much.

So please, do point out the holes in my thinking.

For now, I am signing off. I will probably check back in a week or so.

 

Edited March 25 by Ropuch7
Correcting unclear sentences.

[TheCloud]

59 minutes ago, Ropuch7 said:

@TheCloud You are right. And for me, the main emotion causing the procrastination is fear of choosing the wrong strategy. Fear of acting foolishly or missing out on better opportunities. I am deeply unsettled by the idea of dedicating myself without contemplating other alternatives enough. Then again, the consciousness of how my material situation influences my emotions in deep ways creates pressure for me to take action quickly. It's not really about waiting for the riches, and more about stability and independence from conflicting surroundings.

That might be it, or it might just be the top layer.  Something I've come to believe is that for humans who have their basic material needs met, the greatest negative emotional influence is loneliness.  If we're not starving or freezing, the thing we want most is to connect.

For many, this unacceptable.  We don't want to believe that we are beholden to our fellow humans.  We want to be secure and singular.  But in reality, loneliness is at the bottom of our hearts, and we've despaired of ever satisfying our human connections.

Are better opportunities valuable?  Sure.  I would venture, though, that despair and/or loneliness are far more basic and potent drivers of your current situation.  Seeking money and success are easy surrogates in a society that tends to favor a superficial view of human relationships.  Going deep means going past that.

[Girzo]

2 hours ago, Ropuch7 said:

do think it was procrastination. I also think I am addicted to it. Addicted to an endless rethinking of my plans and distracting myself in the process.

To test it, I decided to quit the distractors cold turkey. I gave myself a temporary ban on Yt, news, social media, checking messages, random snacking, and even this forum - I am only here because of the first relapse. After posting that I'll be back off the grid.

You are totally right. It is procrastinarion. Very cool you have figured it all out. Keep up the good work!

2 hours ago, Ropuch7 said:

E-commerce in the US, because seems easier to start. There is some hustle with the formalities, yes. But the audience is much bigger, people are on average better-off, and more eager to buy on social media.

I started an LLC because it is necessary for selling on Tiktok Shop. It also helps with opening some accounts (banks, suppliers, e-commerce software, ads for the US).

Yeah, but do you even need the US suppliers? I understand you don't live in the US. Managing physical stuff while being remote is hard.

Why dropshipping at all? If you want to target the US audience, but don't have any physical product yet, maybe you should have considered selling digital products. Affilate marekting of your own products or someone's products through sites like Clickbank.

Wish you best luck!

[Ropuch7]

On 3/25/2024 at 8:12 PM, Girzo said:

Why dropshipping at all? If you want to target the US audience, but don't have any physical product yet, maybe you should have considered selling digital products. Affilate marekting of your own products or someone's products through sites like Clickbank.

Dropshipping, affiliate marketing, and digital products have similar perks. For decent results, all of them require serious work. 
I spent lots of time overthinking which one's the best for me. I could probably write a book explaining my thought process.
I'll spare you that. It boils down to this:
Dealing with physical products is much closer to my heart. I already know something about it, have many ideas for it, and even some excitement (despite all the resentment).
The remaining two, I don't feel at all. And resentment is even bigger.

Dropshipping seems easy enough to start. There will certainly be challenges. At this point, I am willing to try it just take any action, for the painful procrastination spiral to stop.
Only after any success, I will consider iterating or changing the direction.

[Ropuch7]

For anyone reading, here's an update after one month:
I made slight progress in the business itself, because of persistent backlashes.
Mind is using distraction and rationalization to avoid changing core beliefs.
But I finally got a bit clearer picture and with it sense of empowerment.
Here's a short reflection on the nature of my procrastination, for anyone struggling with a similar problem

I didn't want to accept the compromise. The injustice in the world, the fact that some people are stuck in low consciousness and that I would benefit from their misery, made me question my right to success. I feared that if I allowed myself to take imperfect action, I would waste my full potential. I've taken pride in my holistic approach. I've mislabeled denial of raw reality for having high standards. I resisted taking part in what I perceived to be a flawed process. I forgot that everything happens for a reason. That the dark side of business is a valid part of reality. And the "flawed" process is perfect in the cosmic sense. I can decide to accept or resist it. Accept myself as a part of it.

I refused to take direct responsibility. Conceptually, I understand that capitalism is a necessary step in human evolution. My whole life I consumed its products. But I refused to be an active participant. I am fine with the system as long as I'm not the one selling and marketing. I am rationalizing, that there are infinite ways to financial freedom, and I should be able to come up with some hyper-conscious exploit. In this area of life, I didn't want to acknowledge my limitations and denied myself empathy.

Of course, I should aim to find the most holistic path. However, looking for a holistic solution out of fear of imperfection paradoxically leads to neglecting the most fundamental elements of the puzzle: acceptance and self-love. Without those, I can't evaluate my needs and ambitions with radical honesty. And without it, I am not transcending anything, I am deluding myself.