Sharing my suicidal experience

[Someone here]

@Buck Edwards & @OBEler @@Javfly33

I will share the experience that I had and have withholded from sharing in the past because it was the worst thing in my entire life and I was literally a millimetres away from killing myself.  I joined so many online support communities and said that I'm suicidal and I experience suicidal thoughts 24/7 . I also visited a therapist and took SSRI’S and all that ...it didn't work back then .. but thank goodness I'm well now .

So ..basically what happened is I experienced a very intense OCD . Out of the blue . I became obsessed with EVERYTHING.  Will the sun shine tomorrow?  If I go to bed is there a garuntee that I will wake up tomorrow? What if I go to hell when I die ?  Is the world still there when I close my eyes ?etc  and those kind of thoughts . They were very very disturbing.  I could not sleep nor remain awake . I was like a drunk zombie.  Nothing made sense anymore .

That was in 2020.

Fortunately by surrendering my ego and taking medicine and praying every single day im healed .

The lesson i learned is that Psychotic illness (speaking from experience ) is when that physical avatar changes..or when the perspective in which the present moment is looking through (or looking at infinity through the finite mind) changes..so much that consciousness seems to disrupt itself. In other words synchronicities which we all take for granted..like the fact that we miraculously find a job..the planets are miraculously holding themselves together.. the graceful flow of consciousness breaks down and devolves into a disruptive stream.  I'm not entirely sure though what exactly causes this . Does it all boil down to chemical unbalance in the brain?  No idea .

 

[Hojo]

It boils down to the voice in your head and you listening to it. That is where mental illness comes from. The human mind is illness we come from the perfect machine Adam but human program negativity and fear over time into their realities and they keep doing it to their children. 

Edited March 15 by Hojo

[Someone here]

1 hour ago, Hojo said:

It boils down to the voice in your head and you listening to it. That is where mental illness comes from. The human mind is illness we come from the perfect machine Adam but human program negativity and fear over time into their realities and they keep doing it to their children. 

Is there a two of me ? The one who is listening to the voice  and the voice ? Schizophonia stuff .

[Hojo]

@Someone here yes everyone is schizophrenic. While calling the ones losing their schizophrenia schizophrenic. The voice in your head is a created program by you. People forced us to create it now we can't get rid of it cause we are god and we created it and now its permanent.

When you say you are arguing with yourself wethere sun will come up or not or you will die in your sleep you are making up stories and arguing with yourself. The difference between you and a schizophrenic is the schizophrenic was making up that he is scared of someone poisoning him not the sun not coming up.

Society is creating schizophrenic by the million everyday. 

People are scared of schizo so much because they see what their mind is capable of and they won't accept it but its an infinitely wide range of symptoms all having to do with the voice in your head.

Ocd is schizophrenic adhd is schizophrenic add is schizophrenic. Having fear is schizophrenic it symbolizes that God has dissasosiated with itself.

Edited March 15 by Hojo

[Osaid]

3 hours ago, Someone here said:

The lesson i learned is that Psychotic illness (speaking from experience ) is when that physical avatar changes..or when the perspective in which the present moment is looking through (or looking at infinity through the finite mind) changes..so much that consciousness seems to disrupt itself. In other words synchronicities which we all take for granted..like the fact that we miraculously find a job..the planets are miraculously holding themselves together.. the graceful flow of consciousness breaks down and devolves into a disruptive stream.  I'm not entirely sure though what exactly causes this . Does it all boil down to chemical unbalance in the brain?  No idea .

It's not metaphysical. Do not turn it into something divine or metaphysical. It is your thoughts trying to predict and control reality. Your thoughts are trying to put reality in a box which you can understand. You want to fully understand how the sun rises. You want to completely understand whether you will wake up tomorrow or not. Not knowing the answer to these creates fear, confusion, disruption, because it then causes you to imagine and assume the possibility of those things not happening.

It is the incessant desire to control and understand reality through thoughts which leads you to smack your face directly in all the gaps and inconsistencies that your thoughts will never be able to fill. You can never understand or control reality through a thought. Let that realization liberate you. You cannot think reality. It is unbounded by any of your thoughts. It is free.

[Someone here]

24 minutes ago, Hojo said:

@Someone here yes everyone is schizophrenic. While calling the ones losing their schizophrenia schizophrenic. The voice in your head is a created program by you. People forced us to create it now we can't get rid of it cause we are god and we created it and now its permanent.

When you say you are arguing with yourself wethere sun will come up or not or you will die in your sleep you are making up stories and arguing with yourself. The difference between you and a schizophrenic is the schizophrenic was making up that he is scared of someone poisoning him not the sun not coming up.

Society is creating schizophrenic by the million everyday. 

People are scared of schizo so much because they see what their mind is capable of and they won't accept it but its an infinitely wide range of symptoms all having to do with the voice in your head.

Ocd is schizophrenic adhd is schizophrenic add is schizophrenic.

How to define any mental illness clearly?   I did some research but it's mostly referring to the "person ".  For example split personality disorder or dissociative identity disorder (DID) is described as "a mental disorder where a person has two or more distinct personalities. The thoughts, actions, and behaviors of each personality may be completely different.". 

Now I have had some no-self and nondual experiences recently and can see clearly through the "person". Or the self that is separate from the traits of the conditioned body-mind.. And to this " self" is the reference of being " disordered".

   The body-mind is simply programmed or conditioned to behave in a certain way and think in a certain way. Everything "you" do all day is simply a program that has been implemented in your mind over the years.. By your parents.. By your culture.. Society etc.  Also genetics play a huge role. this conditioning is what is called the "personality".. The personality is simply the conditioning of the program that you are operating under.   If you fly over to the other side of the world.. And you are forced to live under  radically new circumstances.. Your conditioning will change.. Which will result in a different personality..slightly or to a radically different degree depending on the degree of the change in the new conditioning. 

My point is.. the personality is just a program. It's not in the slightest little bit who you really are.  That's why you can act. That's why you can fake a personality that is not yours. Cuz it's just a mask. The fact that you can fake a 1000 different personalities in one day means you already have 1000 personalities inside of you. Potentially . Accurately they are just different characters that the empty self can take. 

I wonder how do we define the authentic self?  Or what should people behave like? Or what is a personality disorder?  If your kid suddenly started to act in a totally different way then he used to .. Does that mean he has a personality disorder?  Did he have a personality in the first place?  Why do we expect human creatures to act under a certain personality when just by one look inside ourselves we can see that we have hundred personalities(. Cuz ultimately we are none of them and all of them) ?. 

 

[Princess Arabia]

39 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Is there a two of me ?

There is no you. There is only Source or whatever you want to call it. 

[Someone here]

18 minutes ago, Osaid said:

It's not metaphysical. Do not turn it into something divine or metaphysical. It is your thoughts trying to predict and control reality. Your thoughts are trying to put reality in a box which you can understand. You want to fully understand how the sun rises. You want to completely understand whether you will wake up tomorrow or not. Not knowing the answer to these creates fear, confusion, disruption, because it then causes you to imagine and assume the possibility of those things not happening.

It is the incessant desire to control and understand reality through thoughts which leads you to smack your face directly in all the gaps and inconsistencies that your thoughts will never be able to fill. You can never understand or control reality through a thought. Let that realization liberate you. You cannot think reality. It is unbounded by any of your thoughts. It is free.

Yup I wish someone smashed me in the face with this simple fact back when I experienced those discordant thoughts . Would've saved me days and week of insomnia and hellish nightmares of suffering. 

Thanks.

[Osaid]

10 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I wonder how do we define the authentic self?

Why do you need to define something you already are? Can you stop being yourself? If you imagine yourself differently, do you stop being yourself? 

10 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Or what is a personality disorder?

It's a maladaptive way of seeking out love in other people, caused by trauma.

[Someone here]

11 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

There is no you. There is only Source or whatever you want to call it. 

Actually by looking at direct experience it turns out that there is no source . There is only me .

[Princess Arabia]

Just now, Someone here said:

Actually by looking at direct experience it turns out that there is no source . There is only me .

Whose the me you're referring to.

[Osaid]

1 minute ago, Someone here said:

Yup I wish someone smashed me in the face with this simple fact back when I experienced those discordant thoughts . Would've saved me days and week of insomnia and hellish nightmares of suffering. 

Thanks.

Welcome. I understand because I've been in it. Happy that you're out.

[Thought Art]

Glad you are okay. 
 

Remember that states of mind change and suicidal thoughts are just that. Remember it will pass. 

[Breakingthewall]

 

1 hour ago, Someone here said:

Yup I wish someone smashed me in the face with this simple fact back when I experienced those discordant thoughts . Would've saved me days and week of insomnia and hellish nightmares of suffering. 

Thanks.

Maybe this sounds fool or the typical meditative history that doesn't works, but try to meditate with this mantra: "nothing means nothing". For me it deactivates the meaning of thoughts and you can spend 10 minutes without thinking absolutely nothing at all without effort, reality becomes fluid. If a thought starts to appear, think the mantra. You don't need to think it in its entirety, just know what it means and activate it, it's a fraction of a second. After a while it is not necessary, you have left the meaning, and with it your limits.

Edited March 15 by Breakingthewall

[Hojo]

@Someone here

I have drawn a picture.

IMO from my understanding is, mental illness can be defined for me anytime you think you are something other than God. But since thats not possible in this world I will define it as anytime you think you are the voice inside of your head. You start off with no voice in your head. Then you learn language and then school forces you to sit there and think inside your own mind, you cant do it because it dosent exist but you literally create this voice out of nothing. Then as you mature you forget you never had the voice and you start to think the voice is you, then if you are in a negative state you literally program the voice to turn against you. Then you get scared and start to silence the voice but you cant do it you created it but you cant control it cause its not you. Thats when you get into mental illness that normies define as mental illness.

But all mental illness stems from this voice because the voice is mental illness.

Here is a good video to watch, this clown accurately how he describes his mental processes and says he knew he could stop it but kept going until he forgot he wasn't the voice and fell into mental insanity. God curses itself to be here and language is witchcraft.

There is no voice God is just a silent ball existing.

The only reason I know this is because I did it to myself with panic attack and fear of death. When I see God I realized I wasnt the voice and it felt like 1 million burdens were lifted from my soul.

To prevent any feeling of suicidal for mental reasons see that the voice is not you. Ask why are you killing yourself? without using words.

 

Edited March 15 by Hojo

[Razard86]

Having a voice inside your head is not the devil or evil. Can we please stop all this demonization? Thinking is a gift from God. Without thoughts Humans would not have made technology. Mental Illness is not caused by thoughts, it is caused by problems with the psyche of the person which can be the result of a whole host of issues ranging from structural problems with the brain, or endocrinological disorders. With that said, meditation can help if done right, and yes an Enlightened Being would be ever to live with those problems because they can create space but an Enlightened Being could survive torture better than an non Enlightened Being and not have a grudge against their torturer.

The only issue with the misidentification of thinking your psyche is you is it can create problems if you are very selfish. Even before I found Spirituality I never had to worry with excessive negative thinking patterns because my psyche was constructed in a healthy way. This is one of the reasons I have stated on here that religion is a positive thing. Sure religion doesn't have the truth, but religion helps those with overly negative psyches learn to lower their selfishness. 

I already had peace of mind before Spirituality because of religion, Spirituality just increased the peace of mind even more. 

[Hojo]

@Razard86 how can you know if you've never been in a negative state like this? I never said it was evil its only evil in the sense it can trick you and cause you do do evil or feel evil.

It is a  tool and can be used for better or worse it depends on the person weilding it and circumstances they find themselves in. To force children to create this tool in their mind and give them no instructions on how to weild it is like giving them a loaded gun and say play.

Edited March 16 by Hojo