How to deal with rage and wanting revenge?

[TheCloud]

Emotional work is hard.  It seems as if it would be easier to kill or die, than to be honest with someone who hurt you.  Communicating your suffering is an essential skill and allowance, that you were largely denied.  I'm guessing that expressing your suffering either fell on deaf ears, or resulted in punishment, or was misinterpreted in a twisted way.  There was no one to look you straight in the eye and simply accept that you were hurt and what was hurting you.

Letting that suffering out in a constructive way is an essential part of communication, and you need to be able to do it with anyone who is in your inner circle of relationships.  Most people are mediocre at it even if they have lived normally.

Since the methods of communication you grew up with are obviously dubious, one resource that might help you is Non-Violent Communication (NVC).  It's a structured protocol for how to communicate your feelings and needs.  There are plenty of books and Youtube videos and such if you care to look into it.  You would be surprised at how often you don't really know what emotion you're feeling.  You'll think you're angry, but you're actually hurt.  You'll think your frustrated, but you're actually jealous.  Communication starts with knowing what's inside.  Then you need to resolve yourself to get it out.  Then the hardest part might be, having said your piece, believing you have been or will be heard.

https://www.cnvc.org/about/purpose-of-nvc

https://davidya.ca/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/feelings-needs-inventories1.pdf

 

[thierry]

@meta_male I feel you very much on that one. 
 

Lots of people do not have an idea of what it is like to be torn up by rage from the inside. 
 

from my experience what helps is :

-sport of course(any kind of sport, make sure you surpass yourself. The more you surpass yourself the calmer you are after :p)

-cold shower

-any kind of feminine energy (the most would be to have a classy loving girlfriend stroking your hair(or your head)) but I find that even just a real female friend is very helpful. 
 

-some medicine/nootropic: L Theanine, gingcko, and yes I found recently L tryptophan which works amazingly well on me and you can find other molecules(gaba …, do your research there really is a possibility for a crutch here) 

-and of course meditation yoga, all the spiritual classics can help. 

[meta_male]

@ted73104 Thanks for taking the time, your message hit deep. To be honest, I've been thinking of myself as being "good" all my life. I even forced myself to not think any "impure" thoughts or swear words, that's how deep I was. So declaring that I've become a good person isn't gonna cut it for me. Trying to be a good person has only made life worse.

@StarStruck Can you elaborate on the primal urges? How did you handle this? Some time ago I've been so low I was considering going to the front to get some relief. I'm not sure if you can relate on that.

@Thought Art I forgive your ignorance.

@Bazooka Jesus Thanks for the book recommendation. Did you manage to get this "energy" under control? And yes, I'm in IFS therapy (@Carl-Richard ). I don't even feel bad anymore about inflicting damage to people (huge relief), I just want to get rid of this for my own sake, it's unbearable at times. But I do gotta say I need to find healthier ways to channel this current without suppressing it.

@Yimpa This one would make life easier, been working on finding a life purpose but I really have no idea on how to go about it with zero motivation. I don't really care about much anymore. I don't have any values, except surviving. It would be nice to have some people around, I'm now more isolated than back in the days. I don't know what it's like to have people around who care about my wellbeing. This one is fucking hard to even admit tbh.

@Raze Thanks.

@TheCloud It feels easier to just go about life, otherwise I would have already done one of the two. I've taken so many shots trying to communicate to them things that weren't even close to the root cause of my trauma and they lash out. There's no point in seeing them other than kids in adult bodies, it's quite disturbing. I've done non-violent communication trainings during civil service but there's only so many people your communication can reach this way. Thanks for the feelings inventory, this is really interesting.

@thierry "Lots of people do not have an idea of what it is like to be torn up by rage from the inside." Yep, and it scares the shit out of people when you're letting them in on what's going on inside. But then again, most are blessed with ignorance. I do extreme sports, so yeah I can get a lot out of that high. I wish I had a loving girlfriend, just right now I can't tolerate women's stupid dramas or invest any energy into finding a girl, hard enough to build up a circle of friends. Plus I don't feel like a safe human being at the moment. As to medicine, I'm getting off weed now because it has become a crutch and I'm not too fond on trying anything else...possibly psilocybin at one point.

[TheCloud]

On 3/26/2024 at 6:08 AM, meta_male said:

It feels easier to just go about life, otherwise I would have already done one of the two. I've taken so many shots trying to communicate to them things that weren't even close to the root cause of my trauma and they lash out. There's no point in seeing them other than kids in adult bodies, it's quite disturbing. I've done non-violent communication trainings during civil service but there's only so many people your communication can reach this way. Thanks for the feelings inventory, this is really interesting.

The fact that things are so awful is exactly why you need NVC or something like it.  Do you understand your own feelings?  Do you know how to establish and enforce reasonable boundaries?  Do you know what you like, or what you want?  Do you know how to interact with normal people?  Growing up in an abusive environment, there's a lot you have that you don't want, and a lot you need that you don't have.

Right now, your thoughts are so violent and intense that they're damaging your health.  You need a healthy channel for your emotions, but you can't do that without tools.  You're not in the cult anymore, so you need to learn some tools for understanding, channeling, and communicating your emotions.

Did you know that you can apply NVC, or any other kind of communication tool, to yourself?  It's pretty simple.  You already interact with various people in your imagination.  Just imagine that there's another you, who represents whatever issue it is you currently want to address, then communicate with them according to the tools you're using.

1- Hey, meta-male, what kind of problem are you having?

2- Man, my parents are just the worst.  Like, literally.  They're awful.

1- That sounds pretty bad.  So what are you doing now?

2- Well, I tried to get away from them, but I'm so messed up from their cult that I don't know how to live a good life.  I wish they would just die.

1- I take it that you're feeling upset.

2- That's an understatement.  I'm furious, and wish for intense harm on those who I despise.

1- So what do you need to address your upset feelings?

2- If I can't kill anyone, I have no idea.

1- Then lets try to come up with some answers.  There must be some action, or series of actions, that can resolve this.

 

This is an example of the kind of conversation you can have all by yourself.  If continued, eventually 1 and 2 would work together to find out what needs are attached to your emotions.  If you're not getting anywhere in dealing with other people, then the best method is one where you just deal with yourself.  Then no one gets hurt, and you don't have to be afraid.

[ted73104]

1 hour ago, TheCloud said:

1- Then lets try to come up with some answers.  There must be some action, or series of actions, that can resolve this.

The million dollar question is right here. How to come up with a massive fucking action plan when you have zero motivation.

In my experience when you're stuck in this type of situation, getting from where you are directly to some place that you'd really want to be is absolutely impossible, no matter how much time you take. I would say the path to salvation is not straight. You're stuck in a maze and you can't see what the maze looks like.

I used to be a part of a goddamn cult myself. One of the best days of my life was probably when I was kicked out of the cult, but that was also when I was broken. I already spent all my energy trying to become what the cult wanted me to be, and it did more like the opposite. The cult had created the asshole.

I was in a world of hurt and didn't want to go anywhere. I directed all the rage towards everyone who hurt me in the past, including my parents. It only felt natural to do so. What I could not see clearly was that the source of my hatred is actually based on me hating what I've become. I don't like myself and have no idea how to change myself. The internal conflict I had was me desperately wanting to get out from the place I was in, but at the same time I had too much negative energy to even move a finger. And this was the source of my suffering.

So the counter-intuitive move from here is not to try to find a way towards the goal, which let us say is a more developed version of you. A more realistic move from here would be to find a way to become the monster that you are. Meaning that there is actually a way to become an asshole with everyone around you being very okay with it. What I actually needed to do was not to "fix my problems", but rather to find a way to embrace the asshole that I was. I needed to be, and I needed to be authentic. Now this is not easy, but it is doable. It requires the development of a neutral mindset which cleans out a lot of toxic criticism to the self, and a gradual acceptance to the level I was really on. Now I'm not saying to get rid of all the shame and self-hatred, we only need to get these emotions managable here as we need to feel into the shame and hatred as motivation for the next step.

After I found a way to finally be a more real version of myself where I was at. The next step I would recommend is positioning. Get yourself into the environment where you have enough resources to become the more developed version of yourself. For me this was to be more productive at my job plus earn more money on the way. This process allowed me to rebuild trust in myself, although I wasn't addressing my issues directly but I at least I was being effective in doing something of value. The money I got also gave me the chance to develop hobbies that I enjoyed such as traveling which was a big step up from video gaming and porn. A lot of objective thinking was needed here as you can't feel your way into a different lifestyle.

Then after much of step 1 and step 2 back and forth plus a lot of venting, I was able to position myself to a place where I could change how I was authentically (final step is real hard) and pursue what I defined to be the person I wanted to be. The grinding I went through also helped a lot in being able to drop a lot of fucking ego that I had and of course I still have much to do in this area. But like your environment can really boost you into feeling different about yourself. The hard truth is that you need to become the person you look up to in reality, it's sort of like the hero's journey. This would require a postive image of yourself into the balance of your overall identity. I think becoming a "good" person wasn't the right term to describe the goal, it should be to become a more developed person.

This whole thing is really an uphill battle. There's a saying which says something like if you want to lift a heavy object you need to use your legs and not your back. Using your back in this scenario means using willpower and determination, but we all know how far that can take us. Using your legs means changing your mindset and behavior. To overcome this uphill battle, we need a mixture of getting some good footing and finding a suitable balance to push forward. Then there's the gradual change of objective which is another can of worms because like if you're goal is just things like money and sex, then you're fucking lost and never going to make it. The goal is your higher self, your True self or at least the pursuit of it. And the process is more important than the goal, you have to learn to enjoy the process of this change.

The emotion of true hatred, goddamn it felt so real. The unfortunate truth is we have to change how we channel this energy, it's basically what Cloud said. To develop that change requires a lot of effort, pain, understanding, and endurance. Hope everyone who experiences this in their life can pull through.

 

[meta_male]

I'm really not sure 'll get through this one. It's too much to take, more like constant downward battle. Is it normal to only ever enjoy like a couple days a year, the rest is just a struggle that's getting worse every day. I also just found out I probably have Asperger's, final nail in the coffin. I don't know what I want or need except for emotional connection with someone, someone who fucking understands. But I get I'm not safe and nobody wants that. There's literally nothing worth living for, I don't know if I'm posting again. Love you guys.

[Yousif]

 

realize it’s irrational and doesn’t serve you at all, 

angry people tend to have more energy, I already said this but draining yourself of this energy in work, sex, exercise, will bring it down immensely.