How to deal with rage and wanting revenge?

[meta_male]

While I've had ups and downs on my way to healing I've now reached a point where I all hope has left me. I can't see myself ever living a healthy life.

I want to tear down the cult my fucking parents raised me in. I want to murder their leaders. I want to emotionally torture my parents. I let myself be suppressed by these fuckers from 8-24. I've kept in positive and negative emotions all my life, it feels like too much to bear. For a week now I'm having panic attacks and seizures, the other day I almost crashed the car. I'm feeling rage inside. I can't see any healthy and legal way to let this shit out.

[Ulax]

Here are some recommendations from me. (* = My top recommendations)

1. Try and run some *PSTEC click tracks. Its an NLP/ Hypnosis program which helps eliminate strong emotions linked to memories. (Bit hard to find online though maybe)

2. *IFS therapy (Try and work with a therapist with a level 2 IFS training or above. Bonus if they also work as a program assistant.)

3. Read *Pete Walker's CPTSD surviving to thriving (Also look into CPTSD in general)

4. EMDR (If you have numerous traumatic memories, or they occurred over prolonged period, would prioritize IFS therapy)

5. TRE exercises

6. Psychiatric medication

7. Journaling

 

[meta_male]

Thanks man 🙏

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

Most probably related to trauma where you felt deeply hurt.

Ill suggest Scott Kiloby KI inquiries for this matter. 

[puporing]

If you are still "close" to them, I would recommend more boundaries, maybe a lot more boundaries than you initially thought you needed. Depending on your situation though you might have to do it gradually or something.. I'm not sure what you're dealing with exactly but sounds pretty dark..

There are lots of videos now on malignant narcissism that may offer some healing too.

Edited March 16 by puporing

[Ajay0]

Study and practice mindfulness exercises to keep you anchored in the present moment.

Memories have two elements to them, factual and psychological . Factual memories helps one learn from unhealthy life experiences and choose wiser options. However psychological memories brings forth strong emotions as you have stated and keeps the past memories dominant and influencing your present as well, leading to psychological suffering, reactivity and negativity.

Meditation and mindfulness will help you to dissolve the psychological memories, and make conscious choices of a progressive nature going forward.

[Yousif]

On 3/11/2024 at 3:41 AM, meta_male said:

While I've had ups and downs on my way to healing I've now reached a point where I all hope has left me. I can't see myself ever living a healthy life.

I want to tear down the cult my fucking parents raised me in. I want to murder their leaders. I want to emotionally torture my parents. I let myself be suppressed by these fuckers from 8-24. I've kept in positive and negative emotions all my life, it feels like too much to bear. For a week now I'm having panic attacks and seizures, the other day I almost crashed the car. I'm feeling rage inside. I can't see any healthy and legal way to let this shit out.

Funny how one would assume all people living in Switzerland are happy, 

when I had rage and anger I worked it out through sex, weed, meditation, work and generally being active to the point of not having enough energy for anger or rage.

[Buck Edwards]

@meta_male Be strong. Keep firm boundaries around toxic family. Try not to let it impact you. Try a ton of different meditation. If you wanna talk, I'm here. 

I pray for your healing. And invest a lot in kindness. You need kindness. Be kind to yourself. 

 

 

[meta_male]

@Giulio Bevilacqua Will look into it, thanks.

@puporing Thank you. Yeah, maybe way more. They told me I'm not part of their family anymore when I got out this group years ago, it's similar to mormons and JW. I just can't mentally cope with cutting off even more people right now, it seems to never end. I've been working my ass off the past seven years, worked on building social circles, friendships, relationships only to feel more isolated, lonely and depressed than ever today. Life so far wasn't worth it at all. I've pretty much watched all the dark triad videos, they helped with some other situations I got myself in.

@Ajay0 The present moment hasn't been worth it so far tbh. I can access it way better these days, it just never actually pays off. Maybe in several decades or whatever. I can't meditate the classic way, I was was made to pray in tongues every day for many years. I usually smoke weed and contemplate. Plus I'm doing IFS sessions with a therapist regularly.

@Yousif  Switzerland is a shit hole. People only know how to work and burn out. Sex isn't really doing much, sometimes for a little bit but gets old fast after a while, plus I can't just get it whenever I need currently. Only way to channel my anger is doing extreme sports where I'm closest to death. I know it sounds fucked up.

@Buck Edwards Thanks bro, I appreciate your offer. It's difficult being kind with myself.

[ted73104]

Do you suppress your true emotions in your daily life now to hide your "dark" emotions?

Also, do you have a friend who you could "curse god" with and like maybe smash things in a junkyard?

[puporing]

On 3/18/2024 at 8:47 AM, meta_male said:

@puporing Thank you. Yeah, maybe way more. They told me I'm not part of their family anymore when I got out this group years ago, it's similar to mormons and JW. I just can't mentally cope with cutting off even more people right now, it seems to never end. I've been working my ass off the past seven years, worked on building social circles, friendships, relationships only to feel more isolated, lonely and depressed than ever today. Life so far wasn't worth it at all. I've pretty much watched all the dark triad videos, they helped with some other situations I got myself in.

Well you might just not fit in most places.. like me  lawl.. It's okay there is something for that too. Yeah depression can actually be a catalyst for more awakening too you know. That's how I got started really.. and you recognizing darkness for what it is is also a sign you're on the path to awakening.

[meta_male]

@ted73104 Most of the time I suppress them to get through the day. But I've started to welcome conflict, it's a big relief to unleash all the darkness on others...kinda fun to see how most people are just barking dogs. If I fully wanted to let it all out I'd need some serious gear, but I'm not gonna go down that road.

@puporing I don't even want to awaken, it has only brought nothing but shit in my life. Life ist just endless suffering/awakening/suffering/letting go/suffering/getting knowcked on the ground/suffering/isolation. I'm starting to think the path to awakening is just one big hoax, so far it has done absolutely nothing for me or my personal direct experience. Worked my ass off for nothing again.

 

[ted73104]

It is a big relief to unleash the darkness, but you need a higher method to channel that energy or else people around you will suffer your anguish.

On one side I really do hope you get a few chances to place yourself in a "safe" environment to let it all out. However I believe a few times should be enough, if you let it out constantly it will become a habit and you might not be able to control it eventually.

On the other side if you really want to get cured, you need to regulate this "dark" energy in some way. It is very very hard to make sense of objective reality, so if you're trying to find a solution from the outside world to understand, explain, or resolve your inner rage, that might be a VERY slow process. You might not even learn anything in the end. So what I would recommend is that you find a way to create a set of new meaning and purpose for your current life, a new set of goals that does not promote rage and chaos.

Althought this is probably not what you want to hear, but one way to become a "good" person is to just declare you are one. Just declare to the universe that "I have become a good person now that I've learned the evil of the goddamn cult that I was a part of growing up. I condemn those false ideals and I shall pave a new path forward!" This method is sort of like a shellfish moving from a smaller shell to a bigger one, although the bigger shell cannot fit in the entire universe, it is a lot better than the older shell and that will suffice.

There's not such thing as perfection in this world. When our old world view burns to the ground, we often fall into the trap of looking for a new and perfect one. But of course we never find it, because we've not capable of realizing and accommodating that "perfect" mindset.

So we can only invent a better path and reward ourselves each step we move forward. Use this to divert attention from the negative energy and channel energy to new objectives. Restraining yourself from releasing your negative energy is actually very honorable deed that deserves praise and acknowledgement! Invent a new life for yourself, like one of my goals was to become rich and I have done so. You can also find your core values and achieve them!

 

[StarStruck]

Using your mind's eye to get the fulfilment of inflicting destruction. Your sub conscious doesn't know the difference between imagined and the actual. Just don't shame and suppress your primal urges which is the worse you can do.

Edited March 23 by StarStruck

[Thought Art]

Forgive

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

https://www.penguinrandomhouse.ca/books/601453/letting-go-by-david-r-hawkins-md-phd/9781401945015

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

On 11.3.2024 at 2:26 PM, meta_male said:

I want to tear down the cult my fucking parents raised me in. I want to murder their leaders. I want to emotionally torture my parents. I let myself be suppressed by these fuckers from 8-24. I've kept in positive and negative emotions all my life, it feels like too much to bear. For a week now I'm having panic attacks and seizures, the other day I almost crashed the car. I'm feeling rage inside.

This might not sound like much of a consolation, but all that stuff is just karma playing itself out. It's like an electric current of energy that wants to be discharged, so instead of suppressing it, you need to find healthy and non-destructive ways to release it and consciously "feel through it". (See the David R. Hawkins book.)

Is it a fun process? Of course it isn't. But guess what, in order to get to the light that awaits you at the end you will have to traverse the full length of the dark and stuffy tunnel that you are currently stuck in; the only way out is the way through. Per aspera ad astra, brother.

Good luck.

PS: Have you tried therapy?

[Yimpa]

Discover your life purpose. What are your top values? 

[Carl-Richard]

12 hours ago, Bazooka Jesus said:

PS: Have you tried therapy?

^

Go talk to someone.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPpJyKTxhYQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z46mEIlffy0