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The worry today is that people are so disconnected from reality, and hallucination of reality is so prevalent, that they might recontextualize a contact with reality with a further delusion. The germans after world war 1 are a good example. They suffered the consequences of their war, and instead of taking accountability, Hitler exploited it to frame the german people as victims, and the jewish people as the perpetrators. That's the scary thing about human beings, that sometimes reality will not wake them up but simply lead to more delusions. And a large portion of the US population basically will stand behind Trump no matter what happens. You can already see the attitudes of them changing, where they will now accept inflation and economic hardship in favor of american isolationism, when they would previously not accept any hardship. When people are radicalized, they might simply be willing to make the sacrifices to maintain their delusions. This is not unique to Jihadis, it has happened throughout history. Just look at the Russians and what their population is willing to endure for their loyalty towards Putin and the russian nation. Never would we have thought that people would be willing to die in a world war 2 type scenario as cannon fodder to gain a few inches of land for their leaders imperial ambitions. We thought people would no longer be willing to engage in such sacrifices as a result of peace and progress. But this is simply not the case, we were wrong. The hope is that there are not yet enough people to allow for such a transformation of the political system. But in nazi germany, it didn't even require a majority to achieve that. Delusion and ignorance is exceptionally dangerous. And yes I don't like spending any time on this topic either, it's absolutely assinine that I have to think about this in the first place, and waste my time and energy on this. The problem with this is that if you get hung up on the culture, and react against it, you will be defined by the culture as well, which will just increase foolishness. Like all the atheists who fight against religious people. They are better than the Christians, but they have defined themselves through opposition to such a degree that they are equally stuck in the primitive culture of today as the Christians are. It's like, just to be able to engage with these topic requires you to engage in primitivity that will then lead to you wasting your time on primitivity rather than on your higher ideals. But at this point it feels like it would be irresponsible not to contribute. If every reasonable person removes themselves from politics because of how degenerate it has become, then politics will only get worse, and that can end in disaster. So that is the question, do I just focus on my life purpose and pretend the world does not exist? I truly wish I could, but it does not seem like this can be afforded anymore. This is partly because I don't even see a solution in sight. Social media is just getting worse and worse, people are becoming more ignorant, more biased, more self-serving. Popular media is just filled with vile, disrespectful individuals who basically are just arrogant and hateful. And these people are the role models for the youth, amplified on steroids by never before seen technology.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

Art project Filming a person meditating seated and silently with extreme close-ups and pristine HD quality. Make it into a short film that is trying to capture the extreme levels of stillness and calm that are possible in deep, seated, silent meditation. Multiple cameras are set up in multiple places, every shot is preset and ready to film all at once, no other people in the room, no movement of equipment, no camera zooms. The film is edited in a quiet and etheric cinematic style. Styles that come to mind is morning routine scene in American Psycho, and shampoo and cosmetics commericals. These are merely analogous, I have a vision of the style, and it's something entirely of its own if executed properly. The film can serve as an inspiration for what is possible during meditation, and if executed properly, could popularize not just meditation as a practice but the kinds of deep meditation that are associated with deep transformation. Research project Filming a person meditating seated and silently with extreme close-ups and pristine HD quality, but with focus on capturing any subtle movements or phenomena that the meditator would report as movements of energy. Physical measurement instruments like body temperature cameras and perhaps microscope technology can also be used. The aim is to provide insight into subtle energy phenomena often experienced during meditation, e.g. feelings of pressure and tension building up and releasing in the face, neck, forehead, etc. It would involve correlating footage and timestamps with the meditator giving retrospective accounts of the experiences. The findings can uncover potential subtle physical mechanisms of these phenomena or support the hypothesis that these are non-physical phenomena (not capturable by physical measurement). If anyone is interested in trying any of this out (especially the art project), I'm open to give advice so that it meets the vision I have mind. I think if especially the art project is given a serious attempt (which I might do some time, I have a friend who is a photographer) and perhaps some financial investment, you could create something unique, beautiful and powerful.

Second Attempt (editing while I have only a sentence or two of thought) So, I spent time writing my first post entry, and when I went to post submit there was a little mishap. Technically Fortunately I went through the experience already, so it should benefits me us now. because I went through the experience and learned how I'm going to attempt I have a better idea of how-to setup my Journal. I also found better clarity on what I want to attempt. Communication is my focus here. I now understand that the chaotic manner my mind talks to itself, may seem chaotic to others. I'm used to it though, so it's not necessarily chaotic a beautiful chaos to me. Being able to allow myself to express Freely expressing my thoughts will allows me to purge. my thoughts, and then I'll be able to gain clarity with my communication with others. When I write my personal journals, I don't take the time or effort to edit my words. This however is a public journal and I want to be an effective communicator. I know I need more consciousness in But since I'm developing my this skills to communicate with the collective, I find I'm not as effective as I would like. I have a message I want to share, but and I want to be understood. So, you we are going to get a visual of how I'm editing my free flow to communicate and "the struggle" I'm going to experiencing as I find a way to present my a concise message with clarity. I am not going to erase my words as I type. I will strikethrough the words or and letters I want to delete. I'm using the Blue will indicate for the changes I've made from after my original thought. This is a new process for me, so I'm open to make changes modifications. I don't know how I'm going to present this process accurately. This is becoming tedious work, but I know I'm going to gain huge benefits massive rewards will be the price. Currently communication is important principal for me currently. I want to place My ramblings to will be on this right side. When I want to begin sharing my message with the collective in my version of a concise manner, I believe I will use the other left side. Now I'm using my dad's computer to type right now. It's making sense to me Using this large format it makes sense to use the different sides. I'm uncertain how this will be perceived on a mobile device. I will place the words in italics with the polished version on the left side maybe. I guess hope people will tell me whether I need to find a different approach or not. Because people are have different temperaments, people they will have a choice. If they are just interested in my final submission, then they can stick to the polished version on the left. whether they want to only read my message or If they are interested how want to listen to my process works along with my message, they can choose to read it all too. Again, I'd like to mention repeat that I already had a first attempt to post my Journal, but most of my work was deleted. For a second I was shocked. I couldn't find a way to recover it. With my experience though, I knew this wasn't luck; it was deliberate. Even though this may seem chaotic, it makes better sense. I guess I had to have more of choose a direction of how I wanted to present my Journal. I did however save some sections of my work onto another document. I know the value of transparency and vulnerability. Without these qualities my growth will be stunted. So I'm going to share those thoughts I was able to save. Let's see how we can incorporate them into the dialogue here. I'm going to paste the entire text and then I thought maybe we can I would just select a portion and discuss, but after reading it again I think it's best to just copy and paste the entire my attempt to of expression. At this stage I was about to start continue editing more, but then I realized I need to find a way to show "the process struggle" of the work. (I'm wondering if I should edit directly onto the pasted message or do something different. Hmmm... I'm in no hurry to rush through the process so I'm going to give us a break in struggling to read with the strikeouts and change of colors above.) First Attempt Inserted (I allowed myself longer periods of thought before I started editing, but I didn't effectively show how much wor all of the changes I was making). Well, here I start, but where to start? I don't have the answer, but I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding. Eight days ago, I found myself logging into this Forum for the first time. I’ve been involved with Actualized for a solid six years and gained so many benefits. Now I find myself trying out their Forum (or any forum for that matter). Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here. I've been contemplating how I want to approach my involvement here. I find that I’m uncertain how to proceed. If I allow myself to process openly, I'll realize if there's value or not for myself. The Journal maybe the most beneficial (I don't know). When I first was posting, the bulk of my words were a preamble of my past. Is that necessary though? (It depends on who's engaging I suppose). I assume others are similar to myself. Countless times it's been apparent and proven that it's not the case so far. Why do I continue to assume? Well, it's not like I am absolutely ignorant that others aren't in the same state in any given situation. That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. To simplify we can break down communication into brevity and depth conversations. Admittedly, in any given situation I would prefer to choose which is the appropriate approach. I have tendencies to want to mostly go in-depth, but at times brevity is preferable. If I want that choice for myself, I can respect others who want to choose as well. The Journal can allow for considerable amounts of content that I consider a depth communication. Give an impression of the transformation of who I was to now, and even into my ideas of future. Building a sense of confidence that I'm someone who has been embodying higher levels of consciousness because of the abundance and diversity of my direct experiences. Existentially I can ask whether there are really levels of consciousness. I'm inserted into the center of infinitude, and yet I experience progression. Is it only because I want to experience what it's like to learn? When it comes to brevity communication it seems more plausible to use in the Forum, comparatively from the Journal. I have to remind myself that brevity conversations don't have to be without depth. Since my focus is on communication, I want to develop this skill more consciously. I've focused on integrity and I'm honest with myself and others when I don't know something or not interested at this point. I feel people who are more geared to hear history and more content will be drawn to a journal setting. Others will be geared towards simple and short communications. The majority of responses I read are mainly a sentence or two... lol. I'm asking myself what are they really trying to say. I've been developing a better understanding of creating balance with energy exchange. I find that I've been free with my energy and attention in the past, but as I gain more consciousness it's best to see where the person's energy is and then respond accordingly. I exhaust my energy because I was unaware, and it's obvious for me to notice I need to be more conscious. My first posts I found myself going right back to freely sharing but quickly noticed I was repeating my conditioning. Since I want to engage with others here, I feel if I can create a journal where I can open my energy freely... that that part of my conditioning can get an outlet at least. Maybe others can gain value of reading my process which give me value. Ultimately, it should in theory allow me to respond in a concise manner when communicating with the public. Communication skills is one domain that continues to develop, and it's been obvious to focus more attention now. A story I repeat is I'm a rambler which makes it hard for others to follow and I want to develop my articulation. I want it to be easier to communicate with clarity. I've been constantly editing. I'm searching for new words which seem to be more fitting to use instead of the common words I'm used to using which might not be as effective. I'm restructuring where to group my sentences that are on similar topics instead of bouncing back and forth. (Rollercoasters are fun and all, but at least they have a track that implies a direction to follow). I don't know how many run-on sentences I've had to narrow down. Deleting sentences because repetition is found everywhere. And noticing how many times the word "I" is used is a bit annoying... lol. Verbal work is one of those things in the back of my mind that I want to do but hadn't allowed opportunity to advance it until now it seems. Another story I repeat is that my language is more subtle, and I communicate and understand better with nonverbal language. I know if I created a hierarchy of my comfort level of communication with others it would be ideally to talk to a person face to face, then video chat, on to the phone, and finally a texting situation. Well... this Forum is a setting for using verbal language. I have a desire to connect with the collective. So let's give it a go here with this journal. (Is there a way to combine the two styles of editing? I really like how I can have longer periods of thought. That creates more of flow state for me. But I also want to be accurate to the editing process I have to do. There's so much more I'm unable to show like my spelling and grammar errors). Ok... it looks as if I need more time to figure out consider how to move forward. I know what I want to say, but adding the additional conversations about my This is going to be very valuable for me. I need to see I'll figure out how I can show share express my thoughts to the public, share my thoughts to myself, show my message drafts, demonstrate my edits in my drafts, and then create a polished message. I have to admit I have already tried to create a visual difference contrast to show these different areas, but I was unsuccessful so far. I posted a Help topic on the Forum to learn how to use the "insert existing attachment." and I probably need to allow more time for someone to help respond. I even thought I could insert basic html to possibly highlight the words with different colors. That's still a possibility. I'll look into that more. (Well... I didn't get to post anything polished yet, but actually that should've been expected. The magic is in the progression anyway.)

@Breakingthewall i experienced that without psychedelics sometime ago, multiple panic attacks, lots of crying, depression, couldnt move out of my bed for months. it is called apeirophobia in some non spiritual cyrcles. the realization initiated a full blown year long transformation akin to a kundalini awakening. Eternity torned my psyche like a thin piece of paper. As you open up the horror subsides and you can finally chill. it is not that i understand eternity, it is just that i am friends with it now. i dont understand how it works at all. Its like stretching the finite towards the infinite and in this process all contractions explode.

https://www.ubiquityuniversity.org/ "We offer transformational higher education for people ready to make a positive contribution towards solving current global challenges. We believe that the fundamental nature of these challenges requires the development of our inner qualities and competencies in tandem with academic study. From healing past traumas to working with consciousness to co-create the future and the radical collaboration needed to make impact at scale; all are grounded in a lived experience of interconnectedness. The quality of the space from which we create solutions will define the breadth, depth and effectiveness of their impact. Go deep to go far, as we like to say." "At Ubiquity we offer a broad selection of graduate degree programs that focus on the inner transformation needed to make a positive difference in the world today. We have our own in-house Wisdom Studies degrees, drawing on the depths of the wisdom traditions to inform our action for the future. We also offer a number of degrees with partners in the field of transformational learning. The partner provides most of the course content and we provide core coursework and the thesis or dissertation writing support. We believe that taking the time to research a topic properly and produce a well-grounded piece of work through a Master’s thesis or PhD dissertation is what our world needs right now – providing the depth and trust amidst all the surface snippets and stories out there that no-one knows how to evaluate. That is why at Ubiquity we insist that your writing includes your reflections on your own inner journey – unlike materialist universities where you’re not even allowed to start a sentence with “I”, Ubiquity University Publishing completes the cycle and supports our graduates to get your work out into the world."

Repost - Cleaning up journal: that signal to noise ratio right. Heh. Now weekly thought experiments instead of daily > Deeper emotional investment equals deeper existential change. I'm glad I chose the weekly route, next weeks going to be a real f'ing doozy. Have got it already, now all that's left to do is to be an architect on an already hit song to take the thought experiment to the next level. My goal in the creation of these thought experiments isn't to make them difficult more than it is to get a reader including myself to imagine dimensions in ways that lead to the readers own self-realisations to personal change; thus, I'm sharing my own journey of transformation through them while encouraging the readers down this novel route. On that note, I've decided I will not be releasing my own answers to the thought experiments or creating daunting puzzles that may make others a bit too nervous. Instead I just want to now refine the art of creating these virtual reality goggles that lead, however momentarily, to an almost instantaneous life adaptation that strengthens in automatic assimilation the more the reader engages in the alternate realities implications on an 'as if' basis. Instead of becoming this rigid map of answers a reader awaits, instead the thought experiment becomes the users own personal tool they get to advance, stretch, redefine and learn in the creation of their own, in their own ways. Maximum preservation of sovereignty while stretching the lines of creative liberty right. Heh. Genre: Turning Readership into Empathy Masterminds. This Weeks Thought Experiment. Stranded on a Deserted Island – The Magician’s Game Premise You find yourself stranded on a deserted island with 10 individuals. You have no history with them, no past knowledge, and no memories to bias your judgment. However, certain absolute truths govern this situation: There are five tricksters and five friends among you. Among them is one mole who seeks to deceive you. Among them is one best friend who will ultimately guide you to safety. The magician acts as a source of both truth and deception, sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly. If you misjudge the situation, someone will die. Objective Your goal is to determine the mole and the best friend before an irreversible choice is made. Rules of the Experiment The Nature of Truth: The magician will provide you with insights, but you cannot know which are true, which are lies, and which are half-truths. The island itself is an extension of this paradox, realities shift based on perception. Self-Knowledge Determines Perception: The only way to correctly identify your best friend is if you, yourself, are a best friend. The only way to determine who the mole is is if you are radically self-honest. Fluid Morality: The behaviors of the best friend and the mole may be indistinguishable. What is ‘good’ and ‘bad’ is not immediately apparent and shifts with your perspective. Shifting Reality: Each decision you make subtly alters the nature of the game. The more you judge, the more uncertain things become. Layers of the Challenge Phase 1: The Surface Illusion At first, you attempt to categorize the people around you: Two tricksters are good but misled. Two tricksters are bad and have no conscience. Two friends are good but misled. Two friends are bad, one has a conscience, the other does not. The magician gives cryptic advice, guiding you toward or away from the truth. However, every question you ask has a cost: reality slightly bends, erasing or distorting past information. Phase 2: The Test of Perception You begin to notice patterns: who speaks in contradictions, who reveals inconsistencies, and who aligns with your own internal struggles. You realize that moral clarity isn’t about external actions but about internal resonance. If you operate from fear, everyone seems suspicious. If you operate from trust, deception becomes invisible. If you act out of manipulation, the game shifts against you. If you embrace radical honesty, clarity emerges. At this stage, you begin to question: Is the mole external, or is it a reflection of my own self-deception? Phase 3: Breaking the Simulation This is the final and most profound realization: You cannot ‘find’ the best friend, you must become them. The more you cultivate self-honesty and integrity, the more your best friend reveals themselves. You cannot ‘catch’ the mole, you must remove your own illusions first. The mole is ultimately a reflection of your blind spots. Only by stripping away ego and self-bias can you see clearly. The Magician’s True Role: The magician mirrors reality itself. An ambiguous mix of truth and deception, half-aware of its own paradox. You are left with the final decision: do you trust your perception enough to act? The Final Questions Regardless of whether you correctly identify the mole and the best friend, the real purpose of this thought experiment is to reveal the following truths: The Meaning of Morality: Is it absolute, or does it shift based on perspective? What is the tricky ways in which it does if it does? Good and Evil: Are they intrinsic qualities, or merely constructs? Where are how are they in this answer? Judgment and Integrity: Can you accurately assess others without first assessing yourself? How do you determine naivety from arrogance, someone that is innocently misled to someone with clearly bad intentions? Self-Honesty and Trust: How do you develop discernment in a world of illusions? Where does self-honesty start and trust in another end, vice versa? The Magician’s Game: Is it meant to help you or deceive you, or is it both at once? Can a magician be trusted? Who is the magician? Final Challenge In the real world, ask yourself: Who is the mole in my own life? Is it a person, a belief, or an aspect of myself? How often do I rely on external sources (magicians) for truth, rather than my own discernment? Am I my own best friend, or am I still waiting to find one? What does this game tell me about my perception of reality itself? The answer to these questions will determine whether you truly escape the island, or remain trapped within its illusions forever. .Best Surf. And... Stay strong. Imagine light never existed, now where is the first light you will find? .Within.

@Basman I realize that society isn't just changing in one direction - it's actually changing in all directions at once, which creates this kind of multidimensional shift that affects everything while also being affected by everything. The degree thing is definitely part of it, but it's also about how we're all collectively experiencing this transformation in how we understand the relationship between education and success. I've found that when you really look closely at how society is changing, you start to see that everything is connected in these really profound ways that most people miss. Like, degrees losing value isn't just about the job market - it's about how we're all reimagining what value even means in today's world. Just my thoughts based on what I've been observing. Would love to hear more about how you see these connections playing out!

Ralston is launching a new book. Would be a great conversation focused not just about enlightenment but transformation, self-actualization, skills development, life, curiosity, AI, robots.

"Many people can grasp difficult concepts mentally while still unconsciously avoiding their emotional impact. True existential courage involves the ability to maintain presence with uncomfortable truths without activating psychological defense mechanisms. Yes, this distinction strikes at something profound. It's the difference between what we might call "map knowledge" versus actually walking the territory. Someone can intellectually understand concepts like impermanence, death, uncertainty, or their own psychological patterns, but still unconsciously flee from the lived experience of these truths. This reminds me of how some highly intellectual people can eloquently discuss psychological concepts or spiritual teachings while still being largely unconscious of their own defensive patterns in real time. They've developed sophisticated mental models but haven't developed the capacity to stay present with the raw reality these models describe. What makes this particularly challenging is that intellectual understanding can actually become a defense mechanism itself. The mind can create elegant philosophical frameworks that give the illusion of having faced these truths while actually serving as a buffer against really feeling them. It's like building a beautiful glass display case around something dangerous - you can see it clearly, but you're still protected from direct contact. The truly developed person, as you suggest, has bridged this gap. They can not only understand difficult truths intellectually but can remain present with the full emotional and existential weight of them without needing to dissociate, rationalize, or otherwise defend against the experience. This capacity seems to be what allows for genuine transformation rather than mere accumulation of knowledge."

Related, from Claude: # Existential Courage: The Capacity to Face Reality ## Core Concepts The capacity to face existential realities isn't primarily about intellectual understanding, but about the ability to remain emotionally present with difficult truths without resorting to psychological defenses. This involves several key ideas: ### Negative Capability Coined by poet John Keats in 1817, this describes the capacity to remain in uncertainty and doubt without anxiously grasping for immediate answers or resolution. It's the ability to sit with mystery and ambiguity rather than forcing premature conclusions. This quality is particularly relevant to existential courage, as it describes the exact capacity needed to face life's fundamental uncertainties without retreating into false certainties or comforting illusions. ### Being With A term that emerged from contemplative traditions, particularly Buddhism and later adopted in Western psychology, referring to the capacity to experience reality directly without immediately trying to change, fix, or escape from it. This differs from intellectual understanding in that it's about direct experiential contact rather than conceptual knowledge. The practice of "being with" requires a fundamental courage to face whatever arises in consciousness without immediately activating defense mechanisms. ### The Gap Between Understanding and Experience The distinction between these capacities and mere intellectual understanding is crucial. Many people can grasp difficult concepts mentally while still unconsciously avoiding their emotional impact. True existential courage involves the ability to maintain presence with uncomfortable truths without activating psychological defense mechanisms. This suggests that the development of consciousness isn't primarily about acquiring new knowledge, but about developing the capacity to remain present with what we already know at a deeper level. ## Reading List ### On Negative Capability - **"The Letters of John Keats"** - Particularly his December 1817 letter to his brothers where he first introduces the concept - Provides the original context and thinking behind this influential idea - **"Negative Capability: The Intuitive Approach in Keats" by Walter Jackson Bate** - Comprehensive exploration of the concept and its implications - Examines how this capacity relates to broader human development - **"The Wisdom of Insecurity" by Alan Watts** - While not explicitly about negative capability, it explores similar themes - Examines the relationship between uncertainty and psychological freedom ### On Being With - **"Start Where You Are" by Pema Chödrön** - Excellent exploration of staying present with difficulty - Practical guidance for developing this capacity - **"Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach** - Deep dive into the practice of being with experience - Explores the relationship between acceptance and transformation - **"The Courage to Be" by Paul Tillich** - Philosophical exploration of existential courage - Examines the relationship between anxiety and authentic existence ### On Existential Psychology - **"The Denial of Death" by Ernest Becker** - Examines how humans psychologically defend against existential awareness - Explores the roots of human avoidance behaviors - **"Existential Psychotherapy" by Irvin Yalom** - Comprehensive look at how humans face (or avoid) existential realities - Practical applications of existential understanding in psychological work - **"Faith, Hope and Carnage" by Nick Cave and Seán O'Hagan** - Recent work exploring these themes through personal experience - Contemporary perspective on facing existential realities ### On Defense Mechanisms - **"The Mechanism of Defence" by Anna Freud** - Foundational work on psychological defenses - Essential understanding of how we avoid difficult truths - **"Neurosis and Human Growth" by Karen Horney** - Explores how people develop elaborate systems to avoid facing reality - Examines the relationship between authenticity and psychological development ## Key Insights The core insight running through all these works is that genuine psychological and spiritual development requires developing the capacity to remain present with uncertainty and difficulty rather than seeking premature resolution or escape. This isn't about achieving any particular state or gaining new knowledge, but rather about removing the barriers that prevent us from facing reality as it is. This suggests that the development of existential courage might be more about unlearning our habitual avoidance patterns than about acquiring new capabilities. The capacity to face reality might be innate, but becomes covered over by psychological defenses developed in response to existential anxiety. The relationship between courage and integrity appears to be fundamental: without the courage to face our inner experience directly, we cannot develop genuine integrity, as we'll always be prone to various forms of self-deception and avoidance. This suggests that the development of existential courage might be a prerequisite for genuine psychological and spiritual development. Note: Citations should be verified as this list was compiled without access to a current database.

For the specialists in Astrology out there: The U.S. is deep in its Pluto return aftermath, navigating a transformation that only happens once every 248 years. Historically, empires don’t fare well after their Pluto return. And America is reaching its empire expiration date. Let’s unpack this. Let’s talk Pluto. Pluto = Death, rebirth, power, collapse, reckoning. The U.S. Pluto return (2022–2025) marks the first time since 1776 that Pluto has returned to the degree it occupied at America’s birth. This is the empire moment.

I just want to say that after 6 years of learning from & trying to embody your insights, I'm noticing an exponential growth curve. Over the last year, I've started to become conscious of more and more of the things you speak about, mostly without substances. Not at the same depth, but I'm really seeing my entire lifestyle and whole being transform to an almost unrecognizable degree. Thanks to the grace of many guides I've discovered through you - and through friends, I made because of you - my being is flooded with liberating wisdom and exquisite joy. Even though my path has become very different from yours, I honor you and your gifts. Your teachings will affect many more lives through your students and their unique life purpose. There is one thing I would like to mention to you as a fellow friend and seeker: There are guides out there that are incredibly awake, much more awake than 99% of the spiritual gurus that are commonly known. They usually have very little followers or no online presence at all. Most of these I only met through 'fluke luck' or grace because they were recommended by a friend. These guides, especially when worked with directly, can create tremendous transformation because they can transmit their being and reflect back any blind spots that are keeping us stuck in self-deception. All this to say, permanent awakening to pure divinity & absolute infinity is possible. You are possible. Excerpt from the book 'the incredible reality of you' by LUCIALORN

For me personally, talking about ‘karma’ has always been weak, because if you’re in the mindset where you can manipulate to get what you want then your mind is too short sighted to really care about any consequences. When I’m in those scenarios stuff like that doesn’t register, I just don’t care. Using fear based motivation of bad consequences is fine for small stuff, but when it comes to your biggest life goals like money, business, sex I find it’s just too weak to stop me from actually manipulating my way to get what I want. I’m still in a similar position to you but I’m still working through it. In my experience there were a couple things that helped me along the way. First is just keep going until life hits you with something hard and you suffer bad. Idk what it might be, financial, relationships, health. Quickly teaches you that you ain’t as special as you thought you were. All those thoughts about being better were just grandiose fantasies in your head. You will succeed, but no-one in life succeeds in all areas forever. At some point reality hits and that suffering will teach you how limited you really are. Second thing (related to first) is to take some competitive field to the max (maybe business for you?) but realize there is always someone ahead of you and no matter how much you work you’ll never catch up or be as great as them. You realize you were always working within your limits. That your individual talent, although perhaps ‘better’ than majority of others was never really the result of ‘you’. It was given to you in your genetics and if you were in someone else’s shoes with their cognitive abilities, you would be in the exact same position as them. The people you’re manipulating - that’s literally you in another form, doing the best they can. They don’t really deserve that. sometimes it helps you see it more clearly when you feel you’ve been manipulated yourself and you think ‘oh, that’s what I’ve been doing to others’. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Third thing is to realize the beauty and strength in showing others love over manipulation, even when your personal gain will be lessened. My normal mind could not relate to this, it was a perspective I only gained through psychedelics. But I got a taste of the emotional shift where it was actually more rewarding to show love and lift others up than manipulating for my own gain - even when I ‘lost out’ materially. This is not an easy thing to do, my normal mind could not relate or even be able to fathom this. But for me it was the most powerful. I will spend the rest of my life working on it. this is not something you can overcome quickly with some lecture on ethics or self-help workshop. You already realize it’s there which is a good step. Life will keep showing you a way as long as you keep working on yourself in this area. Change will come slowly over time, but it has to happen inside you, not from some keyboard warriors on the internet telling you that you’re bad. That transformation can’t be forced, it happens slowly over decades if you keep leaning against it. hopefully some of those points can help.

Oh my goodness how reality works sometimes… i just have to chuckle sometimes. So I’ve been working on this webpage and I talk to the Claudes a lot about it. It almost gets to the point where I question every move before I place it in the codepen. And regardless if I paid for the monthly access.. I still use up my time all the time. And I’ve been seeing how much this helps me in the coding. I keep thinking about how the Universe works when I’m in ceremony. There have been two times that I led Aya ceremonies… and believe me… no one was expecting or planning for this to happen. I mean I’m confident in how well I do in ceremony but there was no way that I would intentionally go into a ceremony and be like… ok… it’s my turn to lead… hehe… but with many lessons with Aya… I get placed into situations where I don’t see my potential unless I’m given a little push. So I’ll give a little back story about this leading in Aya which I’ve said before but I guess I”m going to bring it back up again. I was in my three month dieta and I was dieting master plants along with Aya. This is what we do to gain more confidence in leading ceremony as an Aya shaman. There are so many master plants we can diet and they all have some benefits to enhance skills in ceremony regardless if you’re going to be leading or not. This was my first time doing this… and since then I’d probably recommend anyone who wants to work with Aya to start up front with master plants in addition to Aya. Ceremonies shifted when I was doing this process but we also were only doing Aya once a week and dieted the master plant the night before. It was spread out and it worked really well. I’ve tried different styles and so far I’m leaning towards this way to share with my guests. Goodness I didn’t think I was going to go into all of the detail. This wasn’t really what I was going to talk about so I think I’m going to focus my attention on where I was going… and see if I circle back or not. But… how did the Universe give me a little push to lead Aya was where I planned on going so let’s start there. So the back story to this point is… I have gotten so used to allowing the shamans get me into a state of shamana mode… is how I try to explain it. There is a very distinct shift in my consciousness levels when I’m in the shamana mode… I am an Aya vessel of the Universe. I see differently, I feel different, I speak differently, I move differently… I am really in the zone and it feels amazing… but I have to get to that point in ceremony it doesn’t just start this way. Now it doesn’t usually take me long to get here… but I did rely on the shamans to get me here along with drinking Aya itself. I have mentioned how much I enjoy purging… it feels absolutely satisfying to get that shit out of my system… and I usually enjoy purging at the beginning to get me into shamana mode. I’ve worked with this particular shaman the most and his first Icaros can penetrate so deeply and I wait for him to sing it to get me prepared… and usually it doesn’t take me too long once I start to purge for me to transition into shamana. It’s challenging to describe at times… but the vision I have is the first sign of this switch. And this is even when I’m leaning over my bucket after getting sick in it… and having tissue paper in my hands blowing my nose and all that great stuff of getting shit out of my system… to become a cleaner vessel. But almost instantly after my vision my body is just more alive and wakes up and perks up and usually does a little shutter of excitement… like hell yeah… this is what it feels to be a live… it’s fucking awesome. And I also find it challenging how to explain how comfortable and natural it feels to be in this setting. Regardless if there are challenges I’m addressing… this space feels like home. So one ceremony… it started just like any other.. we prepare an we drink… and we wait and usually we might even take a nap because it’s just us two working and there’s no rush and no need to just wait impatiently… when it’s time we usually wake up and understand… hey it’s time… hehe… and we can feel this… this ceremony… didn’t seem any different… but when it was time… I was expecting him to start singing his Icaros fairly quickly after our recognition. I mean again no one is in a rush… but I could hear him struggling to sing. It was odd to hear this and I could see a little bit of his outline and it was obvious he wasn’t actually able to sing his Icaros. And that has never happened to him before. I felt really bad and I wasn’t sure what to do… and I kept feeling the feeling… it’s time… and I was like.. but how am I going to get into shamana mode? He was continuing to struggle trying to get his Icaros out and I was struggling because I wanted to help him but I couldn’t help him in this state.. and I didn’t know how to get myself into shamana mode…. And then it just clicked. You cannot wait on him this time. You’re going to have to figure this out on my own. And so I did… mostly through my purging techniques minus the Icaros… and it worked. And instantly when I shifted into shamana mode… I was instantly bursting out singing Icaros to help him out. I could see him continue to struggle and I could see him much better in this state… and he was battling the entire night. i even had to purge for him a few times. I guess there’s a lot about ceremony many do not understand.. I’ve mentioned it here and there.. but maybe I’ll go into it in depth some other time. Again… there’s so much on my mind and I’m trying to get there if I can stop dragging my feet. But this is an example how I have to get a little push for me to realize I have more potential than what I gave myself credit for. This was the first time I led… and the second time was with a group of six other guests. Some were my friends and some were his sons. That this we were taking a nap… and again I woke up because i feel when it’s time and this time my shaman kept on sleeping…. Hehe… I was clearing my throat and shuffling a little bit to hopefully wake him up. But he was snoring… and I have a room full of guests and I can feel everything is shifting into go time. And so I get myself into shamana mode and I start to sing once i”m in this state. The first shaman to sing leads ceremony. And so this was the first time I led an Aya ceremony with guests… multiple guests. And being a guest and leading guests is quite a different experience. Again I was being shown a different perspective of Aya… I was getting different messages.. and I was able to guide the direction a bit more… I say this in a way that I cannot really understand but will try to explain. I’m a vessel and I allow the Universe to use me as a tool; however, I am a tool that has been building skills in particular areas in life and so it seems that if I lead… it gears towards my specialties. So what I found interesting is that his sons haven’t really had ceremony where their father didn’t lead… and they got to experience what this was like. The sons who were present are powerful and are learning to be shamans as well. And I felt their power and potential and all I wanted to do was encourage them in their own unique paths. And that’s what I found funny is I ended up telling our main shaman who was supposed to lead was to let them grow into who they are. Give them the space and confidence in them to expand into their own versions of amazing vessels for the Universe to use. I observe a lot and I can assume a lot when I’m not in shamana mode, but when I am… there’s so much more understanding and the main shaman… he is awesome and very powerful at what he does. I mean he has transition into the Awakening as well.. hence why his ceremonies seemed far more powerful than other shamans I shared ceremony with. But he also thought that he needed to teach his sons “his” ways instead of encouraging them to learn their own unique ways of working with Aya and the Universe. And I was able to communicate this to all of them. Communication is unexplainable in ceremony… I mean there’s the obvious ways but the subtle and nonverbal ways… that’s truly fascinating. I know I’ve spoken about this before and I’ll go ahead and move on. But again… this wasn’t planned out but it’s what needed to happen to understand the degree of development I’ve been able to gain. So I see this happening in ceremony and at times I see how this applies in Reality outside of so called ceremony… even though life is becoming ceremony more and more… but these times where I get timed out and have to wait to talk to Claude about all the questions I have I’ve been seeing how reliant I am of getting for their feedback and validation of each step. I’ve been getting more and more use to coding and since I moved to the computer and able to see the code better and how the syntax of codepen works.. it’s starting to fall into place at a much deeper level. And as much as I want to make sure I’m doing it right… I found myself getting timed out and saying… why am I asking these little questions all the time. I should just be trying it out for myself. And that’s what has happened a few times where I am asking a question. It doesn’t go through and I’m placed on a wait and then I go and try it out and figure it out.. and so when it’s time to talk to Claude again I’m at a completely different spot to ask questions about. And so this was happening to me tonight. Although this time… my battery on my IPad got so low that I was in the middle of coding when it just shut down completely. And I chuckled.. no…. I didn’t save some of the changes on codepen. But it really doesn’t bother me anymore because… I’m actually understanding what I was working with and so if I go back into it and things didn’t get saved I’m confident that I can just add what I need to when I get the chance. And so I was sitting there waiting for the iPad to charge a little and I started to look into the mirror. And I feel like I feel healthier… and maybe even look healthier too. I’m just starting to feel different somehow lately. And I just started feeling how attractive I can be. And I start to think of the Aussie again. And this is where I was wanting to get to but again… many times I can distract myself and the Universe pushes me to focus and sometimes I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be focusing on until I have some time and space. I think I want to address my last conversation that I had on here about him. I’ve mentioned how challenging this lesson or message from ceremony has been on me. I mean I was able to figure out Awakening far easier than me understanding this man and our relationship. And I want to address it. There’s a back and forth struggle I go through where I want so badly to be with him and then it’s not happening and accepting this and so convincing myself that I don’t need to be with him at this time. And I do this more than I’d like to admit. And the last time it seemed like it implied that I only want to be with him to help me with my so-called insecurity with my relationship with money… but this is definitely not the only reason why I want to turn our relationship into something more than what it is now. I want to have romance in my life again. And I’ve told him this and at the time he would say he’s not wanting this with me and that maybe I can get some therapy to help me out. This was before I started to dabble into the dating scene where he realized that maybe he might have more feelings than he knew as well. But this isn’t being talked about. But this is what’s on my mind. I’ve had that little taste of romance and dating and it felt really really nice. I was thinking about going the date when I went out with one of the cavers who took me to the haunted house. It was fun going on a date with him. We stopped at a Mexican food truck for dinner. He was paying for everything so I got to sneak in dinner for the both of us so I can contribute to something. We found out we are both learning Spanish and was trying to talk to each other. Standing outside waiting for the food and people watching and chatting was enjoyable. Sitting in his car and eating and laughing was fun. Having in depth conversations about theology and philosophy… so much so that we kept missing our turns and had to re-route to get to the haunted house. We were really into our conversation and I loved that. Standing in line and giving each other a hard time whether we’re going to get scared or not in there was fun. And even though it wasn’t scary there were many moments where I’d jump and let out a little yelp… hehe… one was right at the beginning because I wasn’t expecting a blast of air to hit my face… hehe.. and since he saw and heard this he was holding my hand… and being a bit protective with me and that felt really nice. When we found each other jumping or getting creeped out we’d laugh at ourselves and one another… and when we couldn’t see in the darkness and how we were going to get anywhere without running into things…. trying to place our hands in front of ourselves but also not wanting to touch anything… hehe... It was really just so much fun on this date night. We took a few photos together and we ended up going to one of his buddies and had a good time hanging out. I mean that’s the buddy I go to visit when I go to Indy…. I’m not sure if I’m going to continue but maybe. I mean… we ended up fooling around a little but what I really miss was the dating aspect of it all. If I wasn’t so curious of what I would do in the sexual part of things… and we just left it at the date night… I could possibly see doing more dates with him. It was super fun and I miss this part of myself. I love to love and the romantic ooey gooey-ness I like to give and receive is satisfying. And fulfills a deep sense of my character that I’ve been avoiding for years now. And I want to experience this again. I want to be introduced to this again. I really enjoyed how excited I was to meet with these guys. I didn’t know much about them which gave us plenty to talk about. And too bad again that I had gone so long without have sexual encounters that it was naturally leading to this and because of this… I wouldn’t want to go on a date with them again. I mean… having this being a part of our few engagements definitely showed me that there’s something more that I’m wanting in a romantic relationship beyond sexual engagements. As much as I want to explore my sexuality… this just really isn’t what I’m wanting to explore at this time. I understand that regardless of who I’m dating… I’m not ready to express myself truly in a sexual manner without really getting to know someone. And I even look back at how touching was such an intimate experience for me now. When I was sitting on the couch and the man was playing with my hand with his one hand and then playing with another girls hair in the other… it almost makes me feel like I wish I could do this again to an extent. Being able to express intimate guestures with anyone. It would make things easier in a way. And maybe its being able to detach gestures as intimate or not is something that I might want to look into more as well. At one time this wasn’t the case. But I do miss touch… I find myself rubbing on my hands and arms and enjoying the sensation of feeling my skin on my finger tips and my skin feeling the sensation of my fingers’ touch… it’s so tantalizing. This triggers fantasies of touching and being touched by the man I’d love to share touch with in an intimate manner. And yet it seems like we’ve been blocked to be able for us to share this. And because of this blockage I’m just curious to try to understand what my options are right now? Goodness… as I’m typing I’m seeming to have all of my sleepiness hit me all at once. As much as I’d like to explore more into these thoughts. I think I’m just going to head to bed and see how I feel when I wake up. it’s 5:43am right now. Let’s see how I feel once I’m rested. Goodnight. @12:31pm… I’m waking up and I feel a little hazy still… I’m thinking that I want to go deeper and stop staying at the surface when I think of him on here. And the truth is that I feel so deeply and I wish I could just express it to him directly. Again I think of him when I do things and just writing about him on an online Journal makes me want to hesitate because he’s a private person. The thing is I can’t keep bottling up my feelings. And I want to be more vulnerable and more transparent and so this has been a huge tool or platform for me to do this more. It helps gauge where I am and what I’m willing to express at the moment and I’m ready to express more when It comes to him. And it’s time to purge my thoughts. I want to say that I want to apologize before I go into this to him because I’m going to express intimate feelings but I also want to not want to apologize either. I’ve been attempting to have a relationship that is direct and not having to use my Journal to explore my feelings. But this is where we are and this is the way I’m drawn to express at the moment. This is my option right now. I’ve been through several attempts of rejection and it’s so challenging for me to continue to reach out and I’ve expressed this to him. Why am I not able to attract him enough for him to reach out to me? In a way I feel this option is no longer something I want to do. And as much as I’ve been through the rejection process with him… i still find myself wanting to reach out and finally I get the courage enough to just try again…. And again and again… When I reach out please don’t get me wrong… I’m not asking him this every month or even every year… it’s been spread out through the seven years we’ve known one another in this lifetime. So as much as I want to talk to him on the daily… I hold back and I reach out only when my heart is so full of expression that it bubbles over and I reach out. But again… things seem to be different right now. And after I wrote about him I even found myself not wanting to look at his stories anymore. Right a part of me wants to view them and see what he’s thinking about, but another part of me is like… if you keep doing the same things then it’s just going to stay the same. And so I’m trying to explore what options I have right now and how I can proceed in a different manner. And I guess the first thing is going to be more transparent on here. And honestly I’m not sure how to explore this so I’m just going to do what I do best… fumble around. So when I approach “him” in Reality I definitely seem to use my logical mind more than my heart. I feel like he’s more of an intellect than he is a lover… I understand this isn’t true but in my mind I feel there’s a blockage in expressing love and so I approach him through professional attempts. Hehe… he probably wouldn’t agree to this statement because eventually my logic turns to expressing my heart and so it’s a mixed bag when I approach him. But I want to find reasons why I should be speaking with him and that’s what I try to do is find logical times to be like… ok this is a reasonable time for me to reach out…. And this is a reasonable topic to talk to him about. And fuck i wish it didn’t have to be so reasonable. Why does it have to be reasonable? Nothing about my messages about him has been reasonable. I get extremely powerful messages and the Universe doesn’t behave reasonable to me… it doesn’t try to give me a cushion or padding around it. It just fully expresses full on and it’s powerful and I guess it’s because I”m ready for this full on expression and I feel resistance with him so I try to trickle my emotional expression. When we met in the jungle on a retreat trying Aya for the first time… I remember when I first saw him. We had two vans and everyone was together and we had to choose a van to go on so we can travel to the location which took hours in the van and another few hours on a boat to get to the land. Well it was our van that had to stop at the airport to pick him up. So he didn’t spend the night in the hotel where everyone met. And goodness I was so happy that I was in this van… hehe… he was extremely impressive just his physical presence. And instantly I was attracted to “him.” But I also remember thinking to myself… come on now… he’s too good for you. But once “he” entered the van and sat down… there was a mutual attraction… and it was just an initial attraction that people have, but this grew during the week we spent together. I was trying to check him out with my peripherals and try not to be too obvious… and it was surprising to notice he was trying to casually check me out as well. Hmmm… I noticed something was there. Is something there? Everyone was still trying to meet one another and so our attention was spread through out the group and the facilitators, staff and the shamans. It was all very exciting and new and holy shit we were going to be doing Ayahuasca ceremonies for crying out loud.. and I didn’t even know that we were going to be doing our first ceremony the day we arrived to the land…. Hehe… I thought maybe we’d have a day to settle in but it was like… nope you came here for ceremonies and that’s exactly what we’re going to do… hehe. There were three bungalows for four guests to stay in. It was a first come, first serve mixed gender type of arrangements. I remember walking into the middle bungalow and I didn’t know who was going to follow into this bungalow and I remember turning around and seeing who had chosen and I saw there were three others who followed right behind me and I saw him through the window. “He” was standing there looking in as if he wanted to share the same space with me but he’s a methodical thinker and this means there’s hesitation and so people are able to fill in this gap of hesitation and so he was left to stay at the third bungalow. It worked out perfectly anyway. I didn’t even sleep in the bungalow. Only one night did I stay there… every other night I slept in the Maloka… the ceremonial room. I didn’t sleep much anyway I was so energized by the experiences. But the bungalow just became a storage space and a place to change. I guess I’m going to repeat myself with the first five Aya ceremonies because they were extremely powerful and still relatively vivid in my memory. Plus if anyone hasn’t been trying to follow the crazy path I write about… I’d like to introduce you to Aya ceremonies through my experiences. I thought I was going to have to be a knight and armor up to face my demons. I had listened to peoples stories and so I thought that’s exactly what I was going to do. I had reached a breaking point and all of my personal development work seemed like nothing was helping and so I thought this is what I’m going to try… it was like a last desperate attempt to gain clarity. And in many ways I got exactly what I was wanting but in another way more questions came attached with the clarity. And I thrive on this complexity and tension of uncertainty because I’m an explorer. At this retreat we had two ceremonial rooms or two malokas. The first one is right next to the sleeping areas and the communal areas. I believe it was schedule to start the first two ceremonies here in this space and the last three ceremonies are in the secluded maloka which is away from the communal areas… deeper into the jungle. In the communal room I remember there was work being done in the ceiling. I remember the first night I could see quite a bit of the room because of the moonlight coming through the roof. Which I feel helped make us all feel more comfortable and why they design the first two ceremonies here before going into the complete darkness. Haha… that first ceremony still makes me chuckle because I didn’t know what to do… hehe… I hadn’t done this before and I remember how serious I was taking all of this. I would go into the ceremonial space in advance and do my practices to get focused and zoned in to be as ready as possible for the information I was going to experience in the ceremony. But the first time I drank… hehe I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. We all create a circle in the space. We went around in a circle and drank and returned to our spot. I was like… am I supposed to lay down? And I supposed to stay seated? Am I supposed to close my eyes? Am I supposed to keep them open? Hehe… I was waiting impatiently wondering if I was going to even know when it’s hitting me… is it starting to work yet? Hehe… it’s just funny because my approach to ceremony has shifted but it’s amusing to remember how I was behaving initially. And it’s just amusing in general all of the emotions and feelings and thoughts that pass when in this space. But yes I started to get some of the visuals people talk about. It didn’t start by completely taking over my vision there was a layer on top of what was being seen. So I could see the inside of the maloka and mostly looking up at the massive ceiling and there was a geometric pattern that was on top or possibly in between my vision and the physical maloka.. the space in between had these geometric shapes that seemed to be more of angular arrows for me at first… and there were little hints of color but it was like a line of colors moving and it created a sense of activeness or aliveness. In this setup with 12 guests, 2 facilitators, and 2 shamans… after we went around the circle to drink in the darkness the candles would be blown out and we sit in darkness. We had buckets at our mats with toilet paper and mapacho (tobacco) and water in the center. Once the shamans feel the energies as being ready… at first I didn’t feel this.. but the two shamans would have an initial Icaros they would sing before they would go to each individual. With their setup… the male shaman would start off the individual sessions. He would make his way to the first guest and sing an Icaros directly to this individual however, it doesn’t seem like it’s only for this guest.. communication works differently so even though this Icaros is directed towards this individual it also speaks to everyone in the setting in our own unique manner as well… the intelligence that takes place here is remarkable. Once the male shaman was finished he would make his way to the second guest while the female shaman would make her way to the first guest. And this is how it stayed. The male would move on to the next guest and the female would follow his path. So the guests got a back to back experience with a masculine shaman and followed by a feminine shaman. It was beautiful and very powerful. We were told that we should try our best to sit up and directly place our attention toward the shaman when they are directing their Icaros to us. They might even tap on our feet for us to know they are there and try our best to sit up and fully engage so we can get the full benefits of their Icaros. And I was definitely feeling it by the time they came to me… but exactly… once he was right in front of me and singing his Icaros the level amped up what felt like 100% if not more… it was so intense but so much what I was hoping for and wanting. And instantly I started to get my first messages. This is “family”… we can trust them… they have so much to show you and you are safe in this space. Originally I was seeing them as grandparents even though they were old enough to be my parents… but it just felt like they had ancient wisdom to share and I’m a dedicated student and this is exactly what I’ve been looking for. Almost welcoming me home to an aspect of myself that I wasn’t aware of. But has been waiting for me to be ready to share this with me. To have a predominantly masculine energy followed by a predominantly feminine energy combo was so satisfying as well. It felt balanced and so right… and natural… we are the “medicine” is what I started to get… yes we are going to use the assistance of Aya to help us learn and communicate but ultimately… we are the medicine and even at this first ceremony I knew that we were the ones who were going to have to make the changes… we are the ones who has the power to change. Aya is a tool a messenger and will powerfully influence but it’s us who has to take it to the steps of embodiment. And this was how my first introduction to shamans singing their Icaros directly towards me. I remember how humbled and honored I was for them to be sharing this with me. I am always thanking them and find myself trying to show them respect and gratitude… I mean I go to the extent of kissing their feet I’m so thankful. And I realize that my ways aren’t necessarily customary… but I want to make sure they understand I’m extremely grateful. At this first retreat I was always the fourth person in the circle. I didn’t know I was going to stay in this position and we didn’t have assigned spots but this is where I stayed especially when we got into the secluded maloka… but being so close to the beginning and still having eight more guests after me… a lot of my messages were after the shamans directed their Icaros towards my direction. But again.. communication is different in this space and even though they were with other guests… I could hear them. I could hear messages through their songs and I could even feel the guests and I wouldn’t get all the details but hints of intuition would break through and I found it interesting. It didn’t happen so much on the first ceremony but this would continue to increase through the five initial ceremonies. In this first ceremony I received messages from seven of the guests who were participating with me for the first time. I would see them it was like their busts… so a little more than their head and they were talking to me. They were talking in a very animated way with gestures at times and others were still but still talking and moving their mouths… and I was listening intently trying to hear them but none of them had audio. It was like the stereo system wasn’t plugged in and I could only see their attempt to communicate but I couldn’t hear them. Out of the seven there was “him” who came to me and he wasn’t trying to talk to me. He was shown to me as being asleep. He was sleeping restfully and wasn’t attempting to communicate. I remember his image of sleeping in between the messages of everyone who was attempting to talk to me… and I didn’t understand what any of this meant at the time. And I didn’t care during ceremony there was so many firsts that were happening that my mind wasn’t trying to make sense of it all at once. I remember there was a lovely young woman who was next to me in ceremony. I could hear her moving around and giggling… and I could hear her dancing a little and again we could barely see anyway because of the moonlight. I remember opening up my eyes and watching her. And she was sitting on her knees and swaying and giggling and all of a sudden I saw this green orb being thrown from her hands and it went flying across the room. I was like what the hell? Did I just see this? Hehe… what is going on? And I didn’t really think too much about it. It was going to be addressed the next morning when we had our share session. These were the key messages that I received in the first ceremony. This ceremony didn’t change my life in a dramatic way, but it setup the foundation for a huge breakthrough for the second ceremony, but we had the opportunity to share the next morning. I slept in the maloka and found I couldn’t sleep for long and so in the morning I started to find my morning routine while I was going to be here. I’d go onto the deck in the communal area but still out of the way a bit towards the river. This space is where we have flower baths before ceremony and I found this spot to be where I practiced my asanas and meditation. After I would finish this session I found myself wanting to swim in the river… it has a fairly strong current so it was refreshing and also had to use strength to resist the current to take our bodies away and float down river… you can let it take you a little bit but the further you went the more effort it would take to return. i love to swim and this was a welcoming addition to my morning routine. Usually by the time I was finished swimming people are starting to get up. The staff would already be up and going getting breakfast prepared and cleaning up the ceremonial spaces. The staff at this retreat was a husband and wife and their two young children. I still communicate with them. The last time I was in Peru I spent a month with them but the father was back in Iquitos working while we were in Limatambo outside of Cusco. I find myself being drawn to people over and over again… building a relationship slowly through consistency. I meet new people but I remember to visit with people I’ve already met and this has been a way I’ve learned to enjoy. I don’t always get the time to visit with everyone I wish to but when I get the opportunity I try to take full advantage because I never know when the next time will be or even if there will be a next time. The female shaman I started with… I had shared 10 ceremonies with and I was hoping to learn from her in a deeper manner. The third time I went to Peru I was going to go to their village and work in their center and she didn’t make the trip. She passed and I was able to share moments with her before she did and she didn’t mention anything about not feeling well. I noticed she had lost weight but I didn’t know anything was wrong. She picked me up at the airport and we went to the market and shopped together. We didn’t spend too much time because we were going to be meeting up in her village in a month and I was exploring with friends and wanted to share ceremony with new shamans before returning to my original shamans. But yes it was a shock to lose her so soon in this shamana journey. I’m thankful I was able to help ship her body back to the village… well actually to the nearest city which is where she was buried. No one was prepared so they were desperate to find a way to get her body back and fortunately I was able to have the funds to do this for them. But yeah… you never really know when it’s your last meeting with someone. I’ve been honored to be both of my dad’s parent’s hospice nurse.. and this has been the setting that was obvious I was spending my last moments with them in this body before they transition… and it was life changing and again an honor for me to be with them in this time and be able to share and give my love and affection in these moments. But many times we don’t get the heads up before it’s time to pass. Breakfast was always served at the same time at the retreat. I remember how weird it was for me to sit and be waited on… I mean I understand that this was a service to us and we had paid for this, but for some reason it felt unusual to do this… and shortly into the experience I would help serve and I’d help clean up to the extent that the staff would allow me. They also wanted to serve us and understood I wanted to help as well but would only let me do it to a small extent. But I would continue to try and they’d allow me to… haha… I wasn’t really asking permission I was just doing it. But we all prepare our diets for participating in Aya ceremonies. It’s common to adjust our diets and to eat cleaner to be better ready. People suggest doing it a week or so before coming and I started months in advance… Ha this reminds me of being on the airplane heading to Peru for the first time. Goodness I remember I missed my flight in Miami. Our flight was delayed and by the time I was in the gigantic Miami airport I was running trying to get to the terminal on time but I didn’t make it and I was freaking out… hehe… I was bawling and thought I missed my opportunity and hadn’t worked much with airlines to get another flight. But yes it worked out… I had to stay around an extra 12 hours at the airport before my next flight. It just happened to be I was sitting in the same row with another participant at the Aya retreat. He even stood out to me… he was wearing a shirt that made me think… hmmm I wonder if he’s going to an Aya retreat? I didn’t ask him and by this time we didn’t know we were going to be sitting in the same row. Everyone boarded and things were normal and even though he sat in my same row I wasn’t really think much about it until it came time to serve us food. Haha… our entire row the three of us all had quirks about our meals. He completely didn’t eat anything, the woman in between us had a special meal because of her dietary needs. And I had brought my own food to eat and we all started laughing at how funny this was and how unusual it was and the woman asked him why he wasn’t going to eat. And he started talking about him going to an Aya retreat and he’s on a strict diet… I leaned forward and asked are you going to Gaia? And hes’ like yes I am… I chuckled and said I’m going there too so I guess we’ll be getting to know one another at a whole ‘nother level soon… we both chuckled. I said I had to bring my own food because I couldn’t make this entire journey without eating.. hehe. I actually met another guest at the next airport too. The guest who met on this flight had different flights so we talked at the airport until he had to depart. And I didn’t meet the second guest on the airplane…we met at the baggage claim area. Thankfully he had arranged for a ride and he could speak Spanish. So it was actually all perfect that I missed my original flight. I was able to meet guests on this route…. And I found the guest who was going to get me to my hotel safely without me knowing the language. We were able to share our histories and start building a bond… He had a wife and two sons… he’s from the UK but had dreams of living on the mountain-side of Spain. I try my best to keep track of the original 12 and he’s been one that’s been hard to keep track of. After the pandemic when his family got stuck on the west side of Australia he mentioned that he was going to get off social media and I haven’t been able to communicate since. I have his email and so I’m not going to give up on him, but yeah… I feel like I’m being very nostalgic at this time. But where was I? I was trying to say how we are served fresh fruit for breakfast and each morning the fruit’s flavor would amplify and enhance and its was orgasmic at times eating the fruit. I’ve said this plenty of times but this is probably one of the best moments I experience is using my hands to bite into juicy fruit and the juices run down my chin… this right here is hard to top in my book… hehe… and yes each morning after a night of ceremony we’d have the opportunity to each fresh fruit for breakfast along with oats and stuff but the fruits would hit a chord for me personally… hehe. I remember thinking that we’re here in the jungle and we’re getting fed fruits that we would normally eat… hehe… at times we’d get fruit right off the land which were unusual but the best. That’s what i was hoping for was exotic fruits but again I understand the reasoning of normalizing an unusual experience. Now I’ve been introduced to so many fruits it’s like… when I’m in Peru… and in the Amazon… I want to eat local fruits here… I can get regular fruits anytime… but there are so many unique fruits here that I got to take advantage while I can. Oh my goodness… heheh… I think most of the day is going to be dedicated to nostalgia it seems. It’s probably good to take a little break from the coding maybe… we’ll see. But I’m getting hungry talking about fruits… I ate all of mine this past week so I’ll find something else but yeah I’m going to take a break for a minute and see how I approach this journal attempt. Seems like I’m setting up quite a bit of history before I go into details about this man… and I’m ok to see where I have to go to be able to express myself. It’s already @2:47pm… geesh over two hours of flow writing. Ok… it’s @6:26pm and I just got up from a nap… I feel wiped out. And my sleep schedule has been so random lately. I wanted to take a break from writing and took a lunch break and was excited to see my dad making gumbo for dinner tonight. I love his gumbo… that’s truly one dish that I crave when I’m traveling around. He’s making a seafood and mushroom gumbo and it’s almost time to eat, but I’ll go ahead and try to continue. After breakfast we end up creating a share circle where we tell how our ceremonies went… it helps us express and remember regardless of how challenging this might be. And our original 12 were actually really good at sharing. I remember the facilitators mentioning this near the end of the retreat. They usually have to work a bit to get people to express and share but our group seemed to do this quite naturally. I remember when it was my time to share I tried my best to remember everything and I really emphasized my main messages of feeling like I found family and they’ll be sharing themselves to assist me to understand myself better. And we are ultimately the medicine. The thing I didn’t mention was to let the group know that I had visions of most of them talking to me but me not being able to hear what they were saying. I didn’t want to freak anyone out. I was told this was supposed to be a very personal journey and so it was confusing when I started to receive messages about the people I met within a day or two. I decided to wait until after the share session and went to visit the facilitators on my own to ask them about this. I told them that I didn’t want to freak anyone out but I wanted to know if this was a common thing. And they said that it was normal to have messages about the people who are in ceremony. I remember the male facilitator saying that there was no coincidence you all decided to come together at this time and to share this experience together. We all attracted one another. It made me feel better about having this experience and I’m glad I got a form of validation that everything is fine… hehe… I also asked them if its possible to go ahead and not wait to go to the back secluded ceremonial room. Can we go ahead and go there tonight and not wait. They said that they don’t see it being an issue but they’ll check with the shamans and the staff and see what they can do. We did have ceremony in the black out maloka but I did want to mention that during the share session we did talk about the girl dancing and throwing the green orb across the room…. Hehe… She was talking about it. And I had to chime in saying that I was watching her… and I don’t even think she saw the green energy ball but I told her that I saw it being thrown across the room. And I told her I saw her moving and dancing and laughing but I didn’t understand the details. She started replaying what she was doing right before she threw the energy around… and all of a sudden one of the guys who was sharing ceremony with us he said… oh my goodness… I think that energy ball hit me because out of nowhere I started to do this dance and had no clue what was going on. So she was doing a dance with her hand in front of her forehead and was a young childish motion and I guess when she threw the orb across the room it hit him and he started instantly doing the same move but he also didn’t see the energy ball hit him.. it just did and he started doing the move… hehe.. he said that makes more sense now but during the ceremony he didn’t understand what was going on. I was chuckling and couldn’t believe this was a possibility. And I remember that the male facilitator also spoke up and said please… if you need to release energy do not direct it into the circle… send it out into the jungle and out of the space. Hehe… I guess this happens and fairly normal in this space. Interesting… again this wasn’t life changing for me. And I was an atheist when I arrived and this didn’t change my views… but everything was seeding me to have a shift. I don’t remember all of the down time… there are some moments that I remember but many times I was by myself journaling or drawing trying to remember everything. We had days where we were going to be doing kambo for a physical cleanse. And we had a day hike in the jungle and a plan to visit a neighboring village and a night walk in the jungle too. So there were events planned and i participated in all of these.. and I did find myself socializing with everyone getting to know one another more. But I remember distinctly how I kept some distance from “him”… I would continue to get messages about him and I was wondering who the hell is this man? And why am I getting so many messages about him? And why am I so excited to see him? So my approach was to observe him at the beginning. We would eventually make our way together and actually connect deeper through conversations. But I remember having this buffer zone at the beginning. But we were preparing for our second ceremony. I had no clue what was going to happen. But that first ceremony gave me a better understanding that the people I’m with and the shamans who are leading us… it’s safe and I’m here to learn and I was going to go in and completely surrender to this fully. I show up early like normal. I found a drawing on the floor where someone had drawn a sun and it was covered by the mat location… but I found it and knew I wanted to choose this location. I was the first to arrive so it was easy for me to choose this location each time. I’d do my meditative practices and breath work along with a few asanas… I really loved started with the fire gazing meditations while I was here. Before I would finish people would start to arrive and we’d share some techniques and by the time the facilitators arrived they would guide the entire group in group meditations and would switch it up each time. But I really enjoyed having my own routine and getting there early enough to do it, and then still have time to learn new practices. And so the second ceremony began. It wasn’t quite the same as the first time I drank. This time I didn’t spend much time wondering what I should be doing and was more relaxed. I found myself just laying down and relaxing until it started to kick in. I guess I haven’t expressed the purging process but there is a ceremony where I really focus on this so I figured I’d wait until then. But purging is going on all the time and we literally hear people purging… hehe… you get acclimated to this fairly easy. Well I did at least. But as I was laying there I started to hear the Icaros starting up. And this time my body was more present. I started dancing but it was a gradual process because at first i was questioning if I should be doing this or not… hehe… I remember really feeling connected to the female Icaros this night. When she was singing I would find my shoulders at first moving and shaking and really getting into it… and as i’m laying down I can just feel my body wanting to respond to the Icaros… and so eventually I stopped trying to resist… the magic of the blackout room… no one can see you anyway so why not… and so my arms started to go and then my torso and I get to my knees. And I find myself dancing and trying to sing along. It’s challenging trying to piece everything in a timeline and try to mention things so people can follow along. I have a perspective of being comfortable in this space now but I also try to remember how unusual it was at the beginning at times. So before I started to really get into the dance there was a part of me thinking that I was getting possessed by Aya or Gaia… something was taking over my body and this actually helped me surrender even deeper. And allowed me to move in ways that I might not do outside of ceremony. But through out this session I started to really feel the communication from the shamans and also the guests. It was like I knew where everyone was in the room it didn’t matter if it was pitch black. I remembered where everyone laid down and listening and feeling the shamans I knew who the male shaman was working on and I knew who the female shaman was working on too. It was a dance and it was so exhilarating… especially dancing and humming along with the Icaros. I would feel when the shamans wanted a bit more assistance and so I’d send my energy towards them and help support… when I heard the guests wanting support I’d be their cheerleader supporting them and encouraging them and sending my love and continue to remind everyone that we have the power to work on our stuff… whatever it was… we are here to work and we can do this… and the time is now.. We have the perfect setting to focus on us. The people I was supporting were the same people who were visiting me on the first ceremony. i didn’t have to know what they were working on… I was going to support them anyway. The Icaros change and transition with each person and they vary and that’s how it seemed when I was sending energy as well. I remember when the male shamans was making way to one of the guys there and I felt morphing into a lion… I could just think lion heart but I was transforming into a lion and making sounds I hadn’t heard coming out of my body and I remember taking down my hair and letting my mane go wild.. and again even though in a way this was new to me… in another way it felt known and normal. A few animals came up tonight while I was working with the shamans and the guests. But most of the transformation happens after the shamans made their rounds. But oh my goodness… when the female shaman was with “him”… holy shit! My body was at its peak excitement and dancing and giggling and seducing myself with pleasure and desire. There is no way for me to explain what happened to me but it was a recognition of “something”. A recognition of a partner who I’ve been searching for but didn’t think existed and yet here in ceremony was allowing me to understand… this type of partnership does exist… and he’s right here and you’re getting your chance to be introduced to him right now. Ha… I remember the UK guest was next to me this time in the second ceremony and I remember him mentioning how it was challenging for him to be next to me. He said he loved it because my energy is out of this world, but when I was reacting to “him” and he could hear me in this ecstatic state it was hard for him to not get excited as well. It was challenging for him to keep his focus on his own work and I was drawing him into this state of mind and he admitted it was very attractive and as much as he loves his wife it was challenging not to get aroused by hearing me responding to the “him”. We chuckled about it. I told him I had a moment where my attention was directly at him. It was in the time after the shamans made their rounds and I could feel his heart. I was extending my hand over his heart in the darkness and I could feel it growing more and more and I felt my body mimicking a heart beat and expanding and growing. He felt like he was opening up more as well and in a way he liked the validation of me recognizing this in him. So… I’ll go back to the moment where my life really changed. This entire ceremony was life-changing but there was a moment where it truly hit home. The male shaman finished with the last guest and he was making his way to his mat. The female shaman was finishing up with her guest and she would be making her way to the last guy. And I’m fully energized and lit up. I’m sitting and rocking back and forth… I couldn’t stay on my mat any longer and I was drawn to go over there with her and with him, the last guest. It was pitch black and my vision hadn’t switched by this time… and so I don’t know how I did this but I carefully moved over across the room and avoided running into the table in the middle and the post in the center. I stayed crossed legged and I scooted across the room silently and made my way behind the female shaman. I was rocking back and forth ready for whatever was going to happen and yet patiently waiting for her initiation. And at this time I thought the shamans knew I was there. I found out the next day they were surprised at what had happened. No one knew I was there and finally when it came time for the female shaman to sing… I was singing her Icaros in the Shipibo language as if we’ve been practicing for years and singing together as natural and harmonious as it was. Again… there are several Icaros and they vary all depending on the energies… but from the instant she started singing I was singing exactly beside her and complimented every word. In ceremony I remember all the love I felt to be able to share this Icaros with her and towards our guest. I don’t remember how long we sang but it was beautiful and I remember when we finished the facilitators were already there behind me and helping me to my feet and ready to escort me back to my mat. This would not be the last time for them to escort me to my “place”… hehe… when I was getting up I felt the guest having a humming bird spirit and I started to flutter and chirp as a humming bird. There was silence that clung in the air for more than half the ceremony. Just because the shamans have made their rounds does not mean the ceremony ends. We have more hours to work on ourselves and work on the energies. So in this ceremony… I wasn’t done in this possessed state of Aya or Gaia… it was like I was just getting warmed up… hehe… I got back and was trying to relax. I remember when I was feeling his growing heart and I started to move as a beating increasing heart… I ended up on my knees and balled up and pulsing… and growing… I remember I felt like I became like a lizard and I was crawling until I hit the wall and turned back into the center and made my way to the mat and then I balled up again and became a seed. The seed started to grow into a tree and I was standing up swaying and blowing in the wind and had my branches out swaying and sending all of my love and support and energy to everyone in this room. And then I became a blowing seed and started floating around the circle again spreading all of my love and support and energy and how grateful I am to meet everyone. Yes I was prancing around the circle and it’s would be the second time the facilitators had to assist me back but they took me outside this time. Tried to get me some fresh air and settle my energies. I was thankful for their help and I remember I was like… Ok, Tara… be normal… everything is fine… be normal and walk normal… hehe… I remember walking back being escorted by the facilitators and I was “trying to walk-normal” and someone had a flash light and I remember one of the girls say “hoooolllyyyy-shiiiiiitttt”… LOL… I can remember how challenging it was for me to walk normally and with this kind of response I knew I wasn’t doing a good job at normal…hehe… I wound down once I got out in the fresh air and relaxed… finally when the energy rests the shamans close the ceremony. I was seeing the structure of how ceremony was laid out.. but I didn’t feel this energy shift until the last ceremony the fifth ceremony. But this was only the second ceremony and I was able to rest a little afterwards in this maloka. Most people would return to their bungalows to rest, but there were three of us who usually stayed and slept in the ceremonial space….me and two girls who were best friends. It felt so fitting to sleep in this space… and amazing space to hold such powerful ceremonies and so holding space to rest just fits. Each morning I would do my routine of asanas and swimming and breakfast and each morning it felt like I was more aware and more sensitive and continued to be glowing with how much joy I was feeling from each ceremony… hehe… I remember also saying this was the best one… and I just kept saying this every time… this was the best one… hehe… and I now understand that being surprised is just what happens to where it’s not really surprising anymore…hehe.. I don’t know how to explain this. But it came to the share circle… and this time the shamans were scheduled to join us because we were going to have time to ask them questions and we were to share our intention with them today and this was the only share circles they were to join us. But the facilitators started out by addressing what I did in ceremony. I mean I knew it was far beyond my imagination that I was going to be able to sing Shipibo Icaros after hearing it for the first time the night before in our first ceremony. But this was also new to me and if the facilitators were ok with energy balls being tossed about in ceremonies… that I figured me singing Icaros was just something that just happens. But I found out through their reactions of the facilitators that this isn’t something that usually happens. In fact they were asking the shamans how in the hell did she do that last night? As long as they have been working with shamans… they hadn’t seen a guest be able to do this. And they were amazed by it as well. Watching them made me understand that this was a little unsettling for them to witness. But the female shaman responded and she said that this is what happens when a guest fully surrenders to the medicine. The impossible becomes possible. She trusts fully and so she can experience fully. There has been one other guest she has shared ceremony with that was able to sing with her before. So there has been two of her I don’t know how many guests she’s had but two have been drawn to sing with her. The second ceremony that was my breakthrough moment… this is when my label as an atheist dissolved… I didn’t know what to call it but I knew there was something far beyond my human understanding and it exists and it communicates and is present regardless if I can see it or not. And it didn’t change me into a believer… because I was experiencing it directly… and it wasn’t like the stories I had heard of Aya of visions communication. I was a kinetic learner and I was doing the messages and was learning through action. Right I wasn’t visualizing singing Icaros with her… everyone in the room heard us singing together. The male shaman complimented me and said I sang beautifully and he was surprised to hear a second voice. But it was a welcomed surprise. We all had time to talk with the shamans before they left and we shared and I remember a few questions mostly about how they would interpret someone’s visions… hehe I giggled a bit when the guy who was on the airplane with me started talking about aliens and the shamans had no reference with this… and I remember I wanted to ask a question and I asked them how they met. And it was such an honest moment of pure childlike embarrassment and transparency. It hit home and it was unexpected for them to hear the question and they both started giggling… it was awesome! He looked at her side-eyed and she bubbled up and took the lead to answer the question. She said the first time they met was at a bar. He was getting sloppy drunk and she had to help him home… hehe… I had been watching my response as I observed the shamans as well. I had such a fantastical idea of who they were and they became more humanized to me and even though I have high respect for the work they share… I also related to them as a person as well. I think subconsciously I was preparing myself to step into this role as well in the near future and every little detail was seeding a future I had no clue I was going to be traveling down. When I share in the group circles I get really passionate… and after this ceremony, there’s no way for me to hold myself in these sharing moments it seems… again thinking at the time I was being possessed but understanding now that this wasn’t a possession at all. It was my authentic Self showing me who I really am. And trying to explain how I was able to sing with her… began at the beginning dancing with her and humming with her and just felt like I had to be right next to her at the last guest was just something I knew I was supposed to do but I didn’t know I was actually going to be singing with her. I just knew I was supposed to be there and I was ready to do whatever I needed to… to support her. And I guess at this time it was to sing with her. I went through all the transformation from all the animals and telling the guests what animals I was called to with them and in this passionate explanation I couldn’t help myself but I had to mention my sexual attraction towards “him” but I didn’t stay long and I was trying to do it in a way that wasn’t obvious… I guestured towards him without looking and I didn’t know if he was even paying attention. Well I found out he definitely was paying attention and was surprised by my honesty and vulnerability. When I said this he even looked around and was questioning if he heard what he heard and if I was actually saying she had sexual frustration and attraction towards him… hehe… when we started to talk directly we were able to express things. But nothing was going to be the same after this ceremony. And I was welcoming this change… this was what I was wanting out of my life… and I found an avenue to guide me. I’m trying to keep the timeline straight but it’s a bit foggy when we had kambo sessions but I remember how clean I felt and how strong I felt after the session so I feel it was after the second ceremony and before the third. Kambo is a purifying ceremony that deals with the kambo frog. The jungle man came and gave us the kambo and he is also the owner of the land and was the one who took us on the day hike and night hike and to the village and to swim with the dolphins and play in the mud on a beach… so yes I think it was after the share session we were able to go to the shamans and have our alone time to express our intentions with them. I have to laugh at myself because I had to talk to the facilitators again and explain that I brought a book of intentions… hehe… I have been writing so much at what I wanted to work on and they laughed at me and said I should focus on one intention and go with this as what I should mention to the shamans… and so when it was my turn… i decided to focus on the intention and desire to balance my masculine and feminine energies. At this time I thought I was too much on my masculine side. I had been raised with a father and a brother who were males but were more on the sensitive side of males. They weren’t feminine really but sensitive is how I can explain it. They didn’t embrace making decisions and I felt like I had to step into this role at a young age because I felt someone has to make decisions so things can be done around here. And it wasn’t really a position I wanted to step into being the youngest but it was a position that needed to be filled. I remember trying to explain this to them and they being able to receive this and they would be able to help me with this during our next ceremony. I just didn’t realize how easy it was to address in ceremony. I literally found myself laughing at myself… It was so very comical for me to not see how balanced I was in my masculine and feminine. It was just so obvious to me in this state to see how oblivious I was outside of this state. And it was also obvious this isn’t something for me to be concerned about. And for the most part i don’t get concerned but I have to admit it still comes up from time to time. And mostly when I’m trying to understand my relationship with “him”. I mean we’ve shared intimate moments where it is quite clear he is the divine masculine and I the divine feminine, but this isn’t always the case. I play the masculine role having to reach out first. If anyone is familiar with the twin flame dynamic.. I’ve been the chaser and he the runner. And i don’t want to be the chaser anymore. I want to stop this dynamic of running and chasing. I just want a mutual desire to engage and be curious to get to understand who we are right now. Not who we use to be but who we’ve grown to be. And start right here, but I understand how the past and memories plays a part on us and this will be a challenge we’ll have to overcome in a way. And we’re actively working on this… I understand this hurdle. But kambo is the secretion from the frog that is actually a toxin to humans. But in small doses it acts as a cleanser… a deep cleanser where we purge the bile buildup in our digestive tract and cleanses our entire system. The first time I did this was the only time it was truly effective for me. I think it’s because of the jungle man as the guide. I’ve only had him guid me on the first time and anyone else who has tried to give me kambo wasn’t successful. But It was crazy.. hehe… it hits fast and it hits hard and I was in the bathroom with a bucket on my lap and everything was spewing out of me. In the moment it’s miserable… but when we’re in the shower afterwards the body is so relieved to get all of the shit out of our system and I felt like I was superwoman. I felt like a million bucks and it was amazing. We went on the day hike and everything was far more vivid and alive being cleansed but i also feel like it was a combination of kambo and Aya… because Aya was already doing this…I find Aya has been my replacement of kambo to cleansing… but it just seems more amplified having kambo clear out more. During this hike is when we found each other and started to not avoid conversations any longer. “He” found his way to me and we started to chat. He is a very tall man.. I joke he’s a giant… I say a gentle giant but I’m sure many men would not use the same description. He used to do martial arts and I’m sure he can be quite fierce as well. But I haven’t seen this part of him. I remember chuckling at watching him maneuver his body in the jungle. Again it wasn’t like he wasn’t graceful but he just had a lot of body to work with… hehe.. I feel like he was trying to get under a fallen tree and me trying to help him not scrape his back but I feel he did anyway. He’s into herbs and botany and so he was enjoying learning about the different plants and their uses. As we were hiking along there were a few of us who ended up bumping into a type of bee that didn’t want to sting you, but they wanted to burrow their bodies into you… heheh.. I had them all over my hair and I was frantically trying to get them off of me but I also remember finding this all to be very comical. The jungle man was laughing at us and was telling us there is a legend that the bees were a sign of good luck and assisted in fertility. I wonder what kind of ritual would happen in using these bees to help with fertility… because all I knew was how much I wanted them to stop burrowing into my scalp… hehe. After the hike we ended up at the river where we had a long boat waiting for us to take a boat ride to the village but before we got there… we made a pit stop. And this was the first time I had a one on one experience with monkeys… and I’ll never forget this. Most of us had our cameras out recording everything… and the jungle man was calling to the monkeys and we could see them climbing and swinging from the branches following us and getting ahead of us. I was happy to capture this on video with just them swinging on the trees but we ended up parking up on the bank and everyone started to get excited and I feel like I didn’t realize that the monkeys were going to join us on the boat. The jungle man started passing out bananas to feed them and here they come crawling all over us and one coming and sat right on my lap… oh my goodness it was a magical moment. i was recording but also petting and feeding them.. I found myself wanting to record “him” during this moment and I noticed him wanting to do the same for me… but not in a too obvious manner. I’ve watched my footage often through out the years and it still gives me tingles of joy. We went to the village and met some of the villagers and the kiddos and a sloth and a few more monkeys… drank coconut water after attempting to use a machete to split it open… hehe… we were on a boat ride and the jungle man said we can take a dip and try to call the pink dolphins to swim with us. Most of us didn’t have swim suits but I remember looking at “him” and both having that look like… are you going? And then at almost the same time we plunge into the water in sync. At this time I thought I would be able to call the dolphins to come and join us but they kept their distance. We banked on the beach and took a stroll. I found catfish hip bones but I didn’t know it at the time. I found three of them and brought it back with me to give to the female shaman for her to use in her jewelry making. I guess I didn’t make it clear that I was just giving her supplies for her to use whenever, because she ended up making necklaces out of them and gave them to me. I was surprised and thankful… and I knew I was going to keep one and give one to “him” but we would need to make the body of the necklace longer to fit him. It was funny remembering me to attempt to tell her this without speaking the language. I was trying to be secretive so he didn’t know what we were doing, but I was pointing at him and trying to get her to understand that I wanted him to have the necklace so we have to make it longer. She understood and did the adjustments for me. I ended up giving the third necklace to the last guest that she and I were singing to. Out of all of the original twelve we’ve been hanging out and keeping in touch much more than anyone. But I try to make my rounds or at least try to message everyone. But I feel kambo helped setup the third ceremony. This ceremony was unexpected and powerful for me. I’ve tried to explain that even though I”m part Samoan… I wasn’t raised in the Samoan culture only when I was young. I learned to walk and talk on the island… and I’ve been influenced greatly due to this, but for most of my life I wasn’t in this culture. But this third ceremony got me to connect to this part of me. There’s a dance called the sa’sa’ dance which is a slap dance where we use our bodies as instruments. It’s normally done in a group setting and we dance but while dancing we are synchronized in creating the rhythm…along side drummers. But I had a chance to do this visiting the village when I was in high school. But in this ceremony I became a one-woman band is how the facilitator tried to describe it. He ended up drawing an image of me and he was trying to capture how he heard me that night and how he heard me impossibly snapping rhythms so fast that he wouldn’t believe it unless he was present in the ceremony and as a facilitator he didn’t drink so he was sober and listening. But this ceremony I wasn’t really getting messages individually. I was just focusing my energies in sharing my energy and support for the entire collective in a different form. So I wasn’t being called by the shamans and I wasn’t hearing the pull from any guest… I was just in the sa’sa’ dance of support. And it was like I had an energizer bunny worth of energy that just kept going and going. i feel like this actually might have been the first time I understood the energy. I didn’t really feel it like I did on fifth ceremony but I felt the silence and rest settling and I remember I still had so much energy but I just did it very softly and finally I quit but it was very interesting in this state and I was chanting and playing my body and the floor around me and created different rhythms and sounds. During the share session I got a confirmation from the guests that they thought they heard insects… and I was thinking the same thing when I was playing the floor at times. It’s so interesting how everything supports ceremony… every insect, every bird and animal… the weather the land the space the people the everything plays its part in the magic of ceremony. People started to joke about wanting to have their chance to sit next to me during ceremony because everyone was commenting on being next to me. I don’t really understand this because I’m with my energy all the time… i’m too close to this and so I’m not sure what people feel around me, but it’s a common occurrence for people to tell me this. Usually I hear this when I’m dancing with people… which says a lot because many of the people I dance with dance with hundreds if not thousands… and I guess my energy stands out. “He” was making his way closer and closer to me during ceremony on the fourth ceremony he only had one person in between us. I said it might be pretty dangerous for him to be next to me in ceremony. We both chuckled and he said that he likes a little danger in his life… and i was like ok… that’s what you say… hehe. But the fourth ceremony was my internal ceremony. I finally went into my chrysalis and was purging for the most part. This is what I was expecting when I came here… an internal journey where no one in the room was influencing me during the ceremony… and I did feel like I was a caterpillar going into my chrysalis… or I was a snake shedding or molting my skin. I can’t remember all the messages but I remember how I was getting messages on my digestive track. I need to start focusing on my eating habits. It was like I was in a swamp… it wasn’t a fun place to be and this was just the start with my relationship to food messages. I had plenty of messages to work on but I was surprised that observing my eating was one of the main tools to help me increase my awareness. It’s hard to explain but when we get repetitive messages during ceremony we just know or understand that this message is what we are going to be focusing on at this time. So I’ve done 48 Aya ceremonies now and this lesson of eating and relationship between food has been developing this entire time. Even when I have people recommend diets for me to prepare… I respect their wishes but ultimately I listen to my own messages. And the last message… well actually it wasn’t my last message because the last message I had about food was to take on an all fruit diet but on a temporary basis. But the one I’m taking about was during my three month master plant dieta and there are spaces where it transitions from one message to another… and before I started to get any visuals I knew we were about to address food. So all of a sudden there was an ameba glowing glob thing in front of me which was rolling around and rotating quickly and I started to understand that it was going to give me a visual of foods I need to avoid at this time… a menu of sorts and I was watching intently and all of a sudden it just disappeared and it was a blank slate again. And this spoke to me in a very quick manner… I don’t have any restrictions anymore. I’ve gained enough awareness in my relationship with food and so I can make my own decisions and listen to myself whether I should continue to eat something or not. This is also what happens when I get messages of “him”… I get them so often that I just understand that it’s time to address him right now and its just understood and I get messages. It was also interesting having three months of ceremonies with one person and I get so many messages about “him” that my shaman would notice when I was getting messages about him. He would try to get me to focus on him instead of “him”… and I would respect him and find time when I can focus on “him” when I wasn’t already in the middle of a message. Yes… in the 48 times of drinking Aya… i’d have to say 40 of them I will have messages regarding “him”. I’m not saying the entire ceremony is focused on him, but there is so much that happens in ceremony but he will be a lesson that consistently gets brought up. People wonder why i can have such strong feelings for “him” with what we’ve gone through… but none who ask me these questions understands ceremony and the power of communicating to the Universe in this manner. I learned at the very beginning that I was in a space that was far beyond my understanding so having intention and direction to where the lessons were going to go… I decided was not my place. I was there to learn and wherever the Universe wanted to direct my lessons… I follow. Only in the last sessions when I started to lead did I start to get lessons of placing my own intention into Aya to receive direct messages and this wasn’t involving “him”… it was using Aya to find something in the land and Aya being able to communicate how to find this. That’s one of the things I’m preparing myself for before I return. One of the lesson I want to integrate before diving back into Aya ceremonies. I understand my relationship with Aya… It guides me but I have to take the time to integrate before returning and I received a lot this last time because I did several ceremonies. As much as I want to return, I know there’s one more integration I want to have under my belt before I return and that’s to visit Nepal before I go back. And I don’t know when I’ll make it to Nepal. But to my understanding I can go back to the jungle once I’m back from my visit in the Himalayas.. But we’re getting to the last session of the first retreat and I’m feeling resistance. This fifth ceremony was powerful too and what happened afterwards has been something I’ve treasured for all these years of memories. During the last ceremony… “he” finally sat next to me and so we finished our round of Aya together and it was a wild time for me. It was intense and I was overcome by his presence and I was serenading and seducing him and teasing and pleasing him with my energy. It was a blast and I asked him if he could hear me…. because I could hear him and I was talking back to him and I wanted him to hear me but it seems he couldn’t. I’m going to try not to go into details but also express myself. I’m sure I’ll have a round about way of explaining because I didn’t realize I was going to go through all of the ceremonies. So I want to try to tie up any loose ends. Now I say it was wild but that was only for part of the ceremony… a lot of the ceremony was peaceful… it was like everyone gave it their all this week and we were in a state of resolve. I believe in this ceremony me and one of the guests started singing a lullaby for everyone. We were across the room for one another but we were singing a sweet lullaby. This is the ceremony where I felt the pressure drop and I knew it was the end of ceremony. I remember sitting up and looking around. My eyesight was getting use to the darkness but I was observing the shaman and I can tell he was trying to get the attention of the facilitator. He was shaking his stuff and he was clearing his throat. I was looking over at the facilitator and I didn’t see any movement. I started to listen and I could hear him sleeping. I was trying to make noise as well to get his attention and nothing was helping so I used my flashlight to signal the new female facilitator to come and talk to me. And it worked… she came over and I told her what was going on. I told her ceremony is over and the shaman is trying to signal to the male facilitator but he’s over there sleeping. She didn’t believe me and told me just to wait until the ceremony is over. I was trying to explain that the shamans have worked really hard and they need their rest. But again she blew me off and went and sat down. Once she sat down the male shaman started to make his way up to standing and shuffled across the room slowly… and he started to shake the facilitator awake. They spoke briefly and then the facilitator went to the center and started to light the candles and officially announce the end of ceremony. But he also was telling us that the shamans were going to be leaving early and we will not see them again at this retreat and they wanted to tell us how grateful they were to work with us all this week. I instantly got up and went over to give them huge hugs and to thank them personally for all they shared with us. Once people understood what I was doing everyone came up to give them loving and gratitude. it was a special moment and the male facilitator said he hadn’t seen that happen before. We were a really unique group. Finally the shamans made their way out and everyone followed… I remained… and surprisingly “he” remained, but the other two girls who usually stay remained as well… and I was lying there asking them to let us have some alone time. I wasn’t actually saying this aloud but I was thinking this… and shortly after we heard them leave. We were alone in the Maloka and we were left in complete silence with candles burning. I couldn’t help myself but I got up and moved my mat next to his. He was turned away and when I laid down I turned away as well. I didn’t know if he would accept my invitation and I didn’t say a word. I just laid there hoping. And all of a sudden I feel his giant arms wrap around me and pull me into his side and I turned to him and… bliss…. We all had one more night at the land before we headed back and it happened to be Halloween. So some of us were trying to make costumes out of leaves and flowers. They prepare a huge feast for our last night where they serve us meat. I’m giggling right now because I chose fish and he was sitting next to me and I was starving for fish… heheh… he was commenting on my intensity for the fish… and I said keep your fingers back right now because nothing is going to stop me from devouring this fish right now and then… and I don’t want anyone to get hurt… hehe… But our attraction to one another was getting more obvious for the other guests… I could see the two girls who usually share the maloka with me giggling at us. One of them had visions of us two together and knew we were going to get close during the week. I mean she randomly said during a share circle that she had visions of some of the guests and if we wanted to talk to her about it to come and talk. But I had no clue she was talking about us… hehe… she didn’t tell me until we were back in the city. She said that she had a vision of a caduceus, but the two snakes wrapping around each other moving up the staff was “he” and I. She saw it as a symbol of two powerful healers working together to bring peace. She also had another vision with her and I building a green temple together. I still think about her visions and looking forward to working with her again. But this was our beginning introduction. He had already planned a trip in the Sacred Valley so he got dropped off at the airport and I went with him along with the male facilitator. I wanted to spend more time with him as he waited but the male facilitator had a girlfriend waiting on him so he was in a hurry to leave and I wasn’t comfortable traveling alone without speaking the language so I left before I spent too much time with him. And I was getting some powerful messages and I trusted that this wasn’t going to be our last time… it was only our beginning. I didn’t understand how to travel either and so I was leaving back to the States the following day too. We kept in contact through email at first. He wasn’t active on any social media platforms at the time. And once I got back to the day to day grind I knew I wasn’t going to be doing this much longer and I needed to change things up. I wanted to remove as many distractions in my life and focus on integrating the messages. Within the first month we planned on getting together in Australia in February. I’d be able to celebrate my birthday which was exciting. And I had a trip planned to visit the two girls in Utah in January and visit Colorado for the first time. When I went to Colorado it was a small village tucked next to the Rocky Mountains and in the winter it’s completely quiet and I found myself riding snowmobiles on a lake surrounded by mountains and calling my dad and telling him that this is it… I’m going to be moving out here. I assumed it was always a quiet little village year round… but that wasn’t the case but that also allowed me to find odd jobs to make enough money to travel. Employers really only need help through the summer so it worked out that I could leave for the fall and winter and no one would mind. It was exactly what I was looking for at the time. Geesh… well it’s @1:34am and I’m not even close to getting to where I thought I was going to be at, but there is so much content so I’ll go ahead and post and see if I can reel in my nostalgia a bit and get to the point next time.

So I've been recognizing many people I know who are experiencing uncertainty right now. And I started to think about how I could possibly help. In one way, I feel like I trust that the Universe has everything worked out and I don't necessarily have to do anything. But on the other hand, I wish I could help ease our minds. I went to Claude to see if we could come up with some writings to do this. I hope this helps anyone who wants this at this time. I understand this won't apply to everyone reading, but I had this on my mind and thought I can give this an attempt. It's natural for people to experience fear and uncertainty during times of change. It's okay to experience our emotions fully. While external events may trigger our emotions, it is ultimately our inner world that determines how we respond to these situations. "Triggers" are an amazing way to point to areas of spiritual development that might have been hidden to us. They show us clearly that something isn't in alignment with the Universal picture. There is still something the ego is working on when we are wanting the external world to change to satisfy our own desires. I encourage us to view this time as an opportunity for personal growth and spiritual development. We always have this opportunity, but possibly we haven't been as triggered as we are right now, which is actually what we would want if spiritual work is our intention. It's obvious triggers and big red flags that are not hard to notice. While it's important to stay informed, it's equally important to remind ourselves that we have the ability to choose where we place our attention. We can still choose to focus on things that bring us joy, peace, and fulfillment at the same time we engage in these times of change. In fact, I'd encourage us to do more of this so we don't get swallowed up in the so-called ocean of chaos. Continue achieving flow states where we are naturally drawn to, and if we need to find these flow states, then start our explorations. I easily find flow states in acts of creativity through art, dancing, or playing music. But flow states can be found in so many ways; find our own. I understand that it's challenging to trust in the mystery of Consciousness and the long-term evolution of humanity, but everything is unfolding perfectly. Admittedly, I personally do not get affected by the gravity of this wave of uncertainty. In my way, I hope we understand that my actions and attitude demonstrate my focus to remain grounded, compassionate, and focused on personal growth as much as possible in every second of my life. I understand that it strays, but it doesn't take long for me to recognize this. And I trust and have confidence you can do this for yourself as well. So here's a bit of the collaboration I did with Claude to hopefully give a narrative to relate to. Enjoy! Imagine a vast ocean, with waves rising and falling on its surface. Each wave represents a human life, with its own unique journey and experiences. Some waves may appear larger or more turbulent than others, but beneath the surface, all ore part of the same great body of water - the Universe itself. Many have dived deep beneath the surface of this ocean and discovered a profound truth: that we are all interconnected, and that the fear and uncertainty that many are experiencing right now are like ripples on the surface, caused by the movement of the waves. In recent years, we have all experienced the profound impact of a global pandemic- a storm that swept across the surface of our collective ocean, leaving no wave untouched. Just as the waves of the ocean are subject to the forces of wind and weather, so too are our lives shaped by external events which seem to beyond our control. Just as a wave cannot control the ocean, we cannot always control the external events that shape our lives. However, we can choose how we respond to these events. We can allow ourselves to be tossed about by the ripples of fear and uncertainty, or we can dive beneath the surface and find the stillness and peace that exist within each of us. For many, the pandemic brought fear, uncertainty, and a sense of isolation. We watched as the systems and structures we had relied upon were shaken to their core, and we wondered if we would ever find our way back to solid ground. But just as the ocean remains constant beneath the churning of the waves, so too does the Universal consciousness that underlies all of existence. In this time of political change, it is natural to feel a range of emotions - fear, anger, confusion, and even despair. These feelings are like the crests and troughs of the waves, rising and falling with the tides of change. But just as the ocean remains unchanging beneath the waves, so too does the Universal Consciousness that underlies all of Reality. In the midst of the pandemic, many of us discovered that we had a choice: we could allow ourselves to be consumed by fear and despair, or we could use this time as an opportunity for inner reflection and growth. We learned to appreciate the simple things - the beauty of nature, the comfort of solitude, and the importance of caring for ourselves and others. We discovered new ways of connecting with one another, even in the face of physical separation. When we can learn to access this deeper level of awareness, we begin to see that everything is unfolding exactly as it should. We recognize that the challenges we face are opportunities for growth and transformation, and that by focusing our attention on the things that truly matter - love, compassion, creativity, and inner peace - we can rise above the turbulence of the surface and find a sense of purpose and meaning. Now, as we navigate another period of change and uncertainty, we can draw upon the lessons we learned during the pandemic. We know that while we cannot control the external forces that shape our lives, we can choose how we respond to them. We can focus our attention on the things that matter most - our relationships, our passions, and our inner spiritual work. So to those who are feeling overwhelmed by the changes taking place in our world, I offer this invitation: take a deep breath, and imagine ourself diving beneath the surface of the ocean. Feel the stillness and the silence that exists there, and understand that this is our true nature. From this place of inner peace, we can navigate the challenges of the external world with grace and resilience, understanding that we are part of something much greater than ourself. In the end, we are all waves in the same ocean, rising and falling together. By supporting one another and focusing on our shared humanity, we can create a future that is more compassionate, more just, and more aligned with the Universal Consciousness that animates all of life. We must remember that the intelligence of the Universe is vast and all-encompassing, and that even in the midst of great upheaval, there is always a deeper purpose at work. By aligning ourselves with this intelligence and focusing our attention on our inner growth and development, we can weather any storm and emerge stronger, more compassionate, and more connected to the world around us. So let us approach this moment not with fear, but with curiosity and an open heart. Let us dive beneath the surface of our collective ocean and discover the wisdom and resilience that lie within. And let us remember that, no matter how turbulent the waves may become, we are all part of something much greater - a Universal Consciousness that is always guiding us towards growth, acceptance, and transformation. Ok… I’m heading to another flow states activity… the drum troupe. Until next time, enjoy ourselves!

I feel like writing; something. How does materialism fit in with idealism? At first sight it would seem that the two are at opposites to each other. Materialism posits a world out there of spiritless hard tangible stuff. It's the default mode for most us, I mean it's very difficult to get away from the often harsh reality of the material world. But maybe it's also blatantly obvious that the world has its own rules and ways of being and most of it has nothing to do with you or how you choose to see it. For example no matter how hard I try I cannot turn a house brick into a brick of gold, that's materialism's ultimate triumph: the world is rulebound and transformation only happens very specifically, and there is no room for anything else not even a god. Materialism's other triumph is that we all share in it, the brick I hold in my hand is experienced by anyone who cares to look at it. What about idealism? On the face of it subjective idealism seems alien to most. When it says that the world is encompassed only as subjective sensations and perceptions, this seems absurd at first. What about that experience we all share in called "the world"? How is it I can say that only my first-hand experience of that world is prime and that the ideas of materialism are secondary, it seems to be untrue; what about when someone else's report of their experience, tallies with mine? After a while of stewing in idealism however it starts to make much more sense. I really can't escape myself, in the sense that the experiences I seem to have appear to be unique to me. Even if the world is a shared experience I still have my own special viewpoint and everything is funnelled through that nexus. That realisation makes it difficult to explain anything at all without reference to that special viewpoint. In other words it is exactly as idealism says: subjective experience is prime. One subtlety of idealism is that it really is about unity. Since subjective experience is everything, it implies that "subjective experience" is in fact a monolithic thing. It lumps all the phenomena of perception together and says that those things are the only things in the world. But in that respect it is no different from materialism which posits a "world out there", in fact a monolith of a world out there with its types of matter and light and rules of interaction. The thing with all being just subjective experience is that there is a kind of passive flattening happening. Stuff is just "experienced". However much this lines up with what reality might be - that reality is just a screen to which is projected experiences for us to perceive - there is that nagging materialist doubt: but what about the stuff behind the scenes that isn't experienced but still seems to affect what is experienced? How is it the world seems to be composed of stuff that doesn't care about our experience of it? Why does the world appear to carry on even if we're not looking? I'd say that problem is acute for idealism. Yes, we can have experience of going on holiday to a foreign country, but idealism would say that when we return home in some real sense that foreign country ceases to exist: because we stop experiencing it in the now. Idealism says nothing about the consistency and permanency of the world, it doesn't even acknowledge a world as such, just an ever unfolding ongoing subjective experience. If you were to blink and suddenly find yourself in Italy (say), idealism wouldn't care, materialism would care very much. A middle ground. We can de-compose our subjective experience into nuggets called qualia. These are the units of perception so to speak, there are qualia for sight and qualia for sound, qualia for touch and so on. The fact that bits of our experience can be put in categories at all is interesting in itself. There's a real sense in which the perceptions of sight are somehow all linked together, there is a kinship between red and green, light and dark that persists all over our visual field and temporally. I would say all those gross qualia with which we're familiar seem obvious to us and that they are our lived in subjective experience. The idea of qualia can be extended to include more subtle experiences. There are qualia for "things" in the world. For example there would be a quale for chairs and people and bridges. Isn't it the case that when we see the car we own there is an instant recognition of it, we don't need to mentally calculate to experience it, it is very much like hearing a sound or smelling a rose, it is "just there". That's interesting because a car is a composite thing. It can be decomposed by our subjective eye into other parts such as wheels and metal and leather - all themselves qualia. But aren't qualia both gross and subtle just appearances to be passively recognised? Aren't they fundamentally ethereal and substanceless (in direct opposition to materialism), coming and going at their own whim? The quale of our car may appear to us once a day, but that appearance and disappearance seem nearly out of our control: we would have to stand in front of it indefinitely to constantly experience the quale. There's very much a staccato constantly disconnected sense to idealism. Could it be that qualia are actually deeper than they seem, in function? Maybe qualia conspire with each other to keep the world in check. Whereas materialism says that matter and light rules the world, and gives it substance and permanence, maybe qualia does the same for subjective idealism. Rather than being a passive function of awareness, qualia have a life of their own. Their comings and goings already give motion and time to the world, aliveness, but if they were to interact with each other they would also give it that missing ingredient: structure. What is this structure of qualia? Primarily it is a network of interrelatedness. Just as the quale of a car is composed of other qualia, the car is also connected to the other qualia in its environment, qualia are never solitary. A large part of our subjective experience is composed of interlocking contrasts; red is not blue, loud is not soft, fast is not slow. This interlocking network of qualia gives it a structure, not just the gross qualia of vision and sound and touch, but the more subtle qualia of objects, ideas and a sense of self. There is also a kind of stickiness to qualia, they have a pace to their comings and goings, everything is not happening at once. This stickiness is the ultimate cause of structure, for if it takes times for one quale to affect another to affect another, then structure can be maintained over time - all that's needed is a loop of interaction. This is what makes the world permanent. Even if we don't experience being in Italy right here an right now, it continues to exist precisely because there is this near infinite network of qualia communicating with each other in time, and it's this which scaffolds reality. Not all qualia are so obvious. Some are exceptionally subtle and nuanced, and barely in awareness, they are like near invisible strings holding reality together. In some sense we're aware of the universe all at once, and that is what keeps it around.

Most of you have not heard about this model. Disciples of Clair Graves's work did a helluva job popularizing it into Spiral Dynamics. But not so much with Kazimierz Dabrowski's theory of positive disintegration (TPD). Yet, this model deserves to be as well-known IMO. This is for you if you are: gifted an HSP extrasensory alienated by society in general The theory places emotional intelligence (EQ) over cognitive (IQ) in terms of real transformation to get to levels of consciousness of mystics and sages. The theory says if you're going though deep emotional struggle as you try to make sense of self and society, it's a massive sign you're actually growing. As you develop you define your values more and more sharply and begin living them more closely. This is what forms a human personality, as opposed to fitting-in. I could go on and on. Here's a couple resources if you're curious. Also can't recommend the book by Sal Mendaglio enough. I'm making a big study out of this work and plan to teach it online in combination with trauma release. @Leo Gura you should check this out. Pairs well with SD and EDT.

Heres what I got: When it comes to **self-improvement and spirituality**, not all models are equally advanced or effective. Below, I’ve ranked the **most relevant and superior models** to Spiral Dynamics, focusing on their depth, applicability, and alignment with personal and spiritual growth. I’ve dropped models that are less suited for this purpose (e.g., Cynefin, Holacracy, Dreyfus Model, Adaptive Cycle). --- ### **Ranked Models for Self-Improvement and Spirituality** #### **1. Integral Theory (Ken Wilber)** - **Description**: A holistic framework that integrates all dimensions of human experience (individual, collective, interior, exterior) and stages of development. It includes Spiral Dynamics as one of its components but goes beyond it by incorporating spirituality, culture, and systems thinking. - **Why It’s Better**: More comprehensive and spiritually inclusive than Spiral Dynamics, addressing both personal and collective evolution. --- #### **2. Theory U (Otto Scharmer)** - **Description**: A process for deep transformation, emphasizing "presencing" (connecting to the source of inspiration) and co-creating the future. It combines mindfulness, systems thinking, and leadership. - **Why It’s Better**: Focuses on inner awareness and collective spiritual growth, making it highly relevant for personal and societal transformation. --- #### **3. Kegan’s Stages of Adult Development** - **Description**: A model of psychological evolution, describing how adults progress through stages of meaning-making, from ego-centric to self-transforming mindsets. - **Why It’s Better**: Deeply insightful for personal growth, especially in understanding how people evolve their sense of self and relationships. --- #### **4. Loevinger’s Stages of Ego Development** - **Description**: Maps the evolution of the ego through stages, from impulsive to integrated, focusing on self-awareness and interpersonal maturity. - **Why It’s Better**: Offers a clear path for personal development, particularly in understanding emotional and cognitive growth. --- #### **5. Graves' Emergent Cyclical Levels of Existence (ECLET)** - **Description**: The original theory behind Spiral Dynamics, focusing on how value systems emerge in response to life conditions. - **Why It’s Better**: More academically rigorous and less commercialized than Spiral Dynamics, providing a solid foundation for understanding human development. --- #### **6. Teal Organizations (Frederic Laloux)** - **Description**: A model of organizational evolution, culminating in the "Teal" stage, characterized by self-management, wholeness, and evolutionary purpose. Conclusion For self-improvement and spirituality, Integral Theory and Theory U are the most advanced and holistic, offering deep insights into personal and collective evolution. The others are valuable but more niche or less comprehensive. Spiral Dynamics remains useful but is surpassed by these models in depth and spiritual relevance. -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- Links to overview descriptions and free courses to the top 3: ### **1. Integral Theory (Ken Wilber)** #### **YouTube Overview**: - **Title**: *"Introduction to Integral Theory in 10 Minutes"* - **Link**: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7G8QJCjJ5AI - **Description**: A concise and clear introduction to Integral Theory, covering its core concepts like the Four Quadrants, stages of development, and the AQAL framework. #### **Free Course**: - **Title**: *"Integral Life Practice Starter Kit"* - **Platform**: Integral Life (Free Resources) - **Link**: https://integrallife.com/integral-life-practice-starter-kit/ - **Description**: A free introductory course that provides tools and practices for applying Integral Theory to personal growth, spirituality, and daily life. --- ### **2. Theory U (Otto Scharmer)** #### **YouTube Overview**: - **Title**: *"Theory U Explained in 5 Minutes"* - **Link**: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4E8j4gyN4kE - **Description**: A quick and engaging explanation of Theory U, including its core principles like presencing, co-creating, and the U-shaped process of transformation. #### **Free Course**: - **Title**: *"U.Lab: Transforming Business, Society, and Self"* - **Platform**: edX (MITx) - **Link**: https://www.edx.org/course/u-lab-transforming-business-society-and-self - **Description**: A free, self-paced course by Otto Scharmer and MIT that guides you through the Theory U process, with practical tools for personal and societal change. --- ### **3. Kegan’s Stages of Adult Development** #### **YouTube Overview**: - **Title**: *"Kegan’s Stages of Adult Development Explained"* - **Link**: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Z6C8R2lQ9o - **Description**: A clear and concise breakdown of Kegan’s stages, from the socialized mind to the self-transforming mind, and how they apply to personal growth. #### **Free Course**: - **Title**: *"Adult Development: An Overview"* - **Platform**: Coursera (Free Audit Option) - **Link**: https://www.coursera.org/learn/adult-development - **Description**: A free course that introduces Kegan’s stages and their application to leadership, relationships, and personal development.

Oh my goodness… wow this coding is challenging… last night I was super happy because I wrote out the code until my first poem and I finally got into a flow state doing this. But I added in background effects which will be scroll activated and I wanted lines to be able to try this out and things went wrong.. hehe… the originally styling of the lines weren’t working any longer… and so it was challenging for me to figure this out. The original Claude 2024 I was working with wasn’t able to get my information. I typed two lines to talk to it and I kept getting an error that it was too much information for the prompt. I still don’t understand why this was the case, but I started to use more Claudes and wow it was crazy trying to explain things each time but I did get to a point where my original structure didn’t have the “relative” qualities that I would be wanting to address… originally I was using pixels for line positioning and we got to the point we want to use percentages and viewpoints… So at first I thought I had to start all over but it wasn’t as bad as I originally thought… I think I still haven’t gotten the bugs out… but it’s crazy how much I don’t know to say when I’m writing the code. I thought maybe last night that I’m going to have to talk to my dad and see if I can get a schedule figured out to move to the computer instead of the iPad. I feel that this might be the right move.. but this morning when I woke up I got a message from my buddy in New Zealand who had offered to make a website years ago. And so there’s a window of hope that just really expanded with this communication. Now we’re on different time zones… but I went ahead and tried to give him the information about the project and see whether he is interested in collaborating. I feel like I can give him a better idea of what I’m looking for and he’ll understand how to give me a structure that I can follow. I want to do most of the work with the coding because I”m particular.. but he might be able to setup me up with a framework to follow. I knew I was going to fight through the challenges but it feels like working with someone who has years of experience in writing code that it will not be such a fight anymore. Again.. I did find a flow state and so I was finally getting comfortable in the process… it wasn’t just challenging when after I got the material things started to not work out… so I was like shoot the foundation structure isn’t really accurate.. but hopefully my buddy can give me direction and then I can get to coding in a flow state again. So yeah. I’ll still be working with it through the day and he’ll be on later to let me know if he’s interested. On another note… I got my oral health kit that I was looking into and been using the system for two weeks and so far super happy with the results. And the most obvious is using the Boka Express Glow Teeth Whitening Pen… umm super surprised out how much it’s helped my teeth with two pens. In fact I don’t need any more pens because it’s where I was hoping actually better than what I expected. So just in case anyone is interested… give it a go especially if we’re worried about smoking stains on our teeth.. it really helped with my teeth… I’m not sure what level of white you might be looking for but I’m not looking for crazy bright white that it doesn’t look natural… I just wanted the obvious spots to be removed and a natural white which is what I was able to do with two pens. I tried to leave the solution on my teeth as long as possible.. even trying to fall asleep with my lips open… hehe… I love the mints they taste great and dissolve quickly. It hasn’t been an issue using the pre-biotic mouthwash after I eat. I throw it into my purse when I’m going to be eating out. All in all it’s been great. I got the cinnamon gum and I like the taste and in theory it should be good… especially to try to get me to kick the smoking habit… but like I thought… chewing does make my jaw hurt… not while I’m chewing but when I’m done and then I notice… say when I go to eat. Again I’m not sure if this is because i need to build up my jaw muscles… hehe… or I’m just not a fan of chewing gum… but the mints… love them! I gave my dad half of my supplies with the mouthwash and mints… I keep telling him to use as much as he can and to not try to ration them out. He’s says his teeth are hopeless and it doesn’t matter nothing will work at this point… but I keep encouraging to give it his best effort and to increase his intake. My teeth don’t feel as sensitive… but I feel it will take a few months to really start feeling the benefits. But yeah I wanted to mention this because I was very excited about the whitening results and wanted to share. My dad and I went to visit my aunt who had a knee replaced. Was seeing how we can help. We ended up in a conversation about many things actually… she is a retired algebra high school teacher and use to coach swimming, volleyball, and cheerleading. And was telling her she’d love to give ai a chance… hehe… she said haven’t I seen the terminator movie… aren’t I scared this is where it’s leading. I chuckled with her and said… this is not where it is right now… and this Claude ai is an assistant that I think she would be interested in getting to know. we talked whether this can be something used in schools or is it just going to do the work for students and they wouldn’t learn anything. I told her she needs to start engaging with it.. because she’ll quickly see that it’s just like any teacher-student relationship… it depends on how much the student wants to learn. This teacher however will not get frustrated and will try as many ways as it takes for the student to understand. But the student also has to communicate clearly for the dynamic to work. We discussed having teachers actually get use to working with this technology and then demonstrate it to the students on how it can be used and not to take everything for granted and to build a reciprocal relationship just as we are supposed to do with our say algebra teacher. But I happened to mention that I grab a few gigs here and there for some extra cash and she jumped right on it and said she has projects for a handy person willing to help out around the house. And I said I’d be happy to. Her husband had built a room in the garage when he thought he was going to be working on his cnc milling… but his physical state has reduced his mobility and now the space is just getting in the way of more practical matters like parking the vehicles inside so it’s easier and safer for them to get in and out of their vehicles. He had built the structure but would like it to be taken down now. There are two walls that don’t have electricity running to it and the third wall does. I’m usually with a professional electrician when I’m doing construction projects so I’m not comfortable on my own… but since my uncle installed it I’m sure he can direct me to what I need to do… he just can’t climb up ladders anymore. So I’ll go be a little monkey or spider woman and climb around and bring the wall down tomorrow. I just messaged her saying that it would be nice to have money but what I really want… is to be able to soak in a bathtub. They have a sweet ass jacuzzi tub which I hope is still working but even if it’s just a regular tub… I just want to soak soooo bad. And this would do wonders for my psyche right now. So we’ll see what she says… she’s in her physical therapy class and we’ll setup a time to meet for tomorrow. Everyone is on the same agreement that it will be in the afternoon so we can get our rest and start to get into the day in the morning. So yeah I’m looking forward to helping out. I guess they’ve been wanting to do this for a while but their children don’t live in town and it’s hard to schedule things… so I’m glad I’ll be able to do this for them and I don’t think it will be that hard and take that long. So yeah here goes to my first project. And hopefully some quality time in a hot bath… hehe I guess I want to address unsolicited communications too. So from time to time I have people sending me videos and memes to my messages and it’s not usually a challenge for me to ask them to stop especially if there is not communication about the content they are sending me. And I’ve warned people who continue to do this that I will just block them and wait until we’re in person to have conversations… most of the time people aren’t thinking and just sending it out randomly to everyone thinking everyone is bored or something. But some cases it’s because someone is thinking of me. And I just encourage them to talk to me. Instead of sending me a video or a picture… just say hey I’m thinking of you… what’s going on? So we can actually engage in a meaningful conversation. I respond and will continue conversations as long as they’re healthy. I’ve definitely gone to the point of blocking people but this is rare. But there seems to be a demographic that challenges me. It seems if the people who are doing this that are over say the age of sixty or seventy even… I give them more room for error. In many cases I feel they just forgot the kind plea to please stop sending me random videos… but I also know I’ve given them warnings of blocking them again in a respectful manner but I’d think this might hit home, right? I mean I do run into these individuals time to time.. and maybe that’s the only way I should engage, because sometime they get needy. I have one gentleman who has been soooo needy of my attention and I haven’t been responding because it’s so excessive. I mean he’s great… he was a college professor, he travels to Africa and the Dominican Republic and gives out free eye exams and eyewear to anyone who comes… we met at a drum circle with amazing people… but we also have a weird connection when I was exotic dancing where we bumped into each other. I mean I didn’t think it was weird but him wanting to keep it so secretive made it weird. And then his views of me also became a bit more twisted. I mean I can understand people being attracted to me, but when I’m clearly stating my boundaries and clearly not wanting a romantic anything with people I wish this could be enough to have a respectful friendly relationship… but recently it’s been uncomfortable of how much he’s been needy and I have respect for him, but I think it’s gotten to the point that I just want to deal with him if we happen to be in the same place at the same time. The drum circle where we met he was really close to the Sister who runs it and recently their relationship has drifted because of something… I don’t know the details and it’s not really my business but she had to remove him from her life… and I think it’s time for me to do the same thing. I think this demographic shouldn’t dictate what makes me feel comfortable with. I respect my elders, but honestly… with this case in particular my respect is deminishing….and I’m going to make clear boundaries regardless of their age. Ok… it’s been on my mind and I know I wanted to do this, but somehow writing it out really helps validate what I want to do. I have been talking with a close girl friend of mine in the past two days.. and I guess I want to get this out of my system as well. They’ve been an on and off again relationship for over a decade and of course I’m only getting her side of the story but it seems very toxic. It seems like she’s ready to make changes and he only talks and manipulates her to think he wants to change with her together… but it is all talk and nothing changes. She has always thought he was lying to her and she has found many times proof of this lying. But recently she found out that all of his “girl” friends who are “just” friends are more than this… he has sexual videos and pictures of engagement with most of these “friends”. And of course she’s furious… she and him agreed to have a monogamous relationship. And I asked her if this is going to be the point of her wanting to make the necessary changes in her life? Is this the point of suffering where you no longer want his influence to distract you from working on ourself? She says it is, but she came back this morning questioning if she should give him one more chance. I told her that I cannot make this decision for her… whatever she chooses will be the right one. If she needs to continue in this loop then so be it… it’s not the point of breakthrough change… and she’ll continue to work out when that will be for her and what that looks like in her life. I understand how tricky love is and how challenging it is to want something different from what it is now. This has been the toughest challenge in my life too. I wish I knew what a healthy relationship looks like but I haven’t experienced this for myself yet and so I really don’t have any clue to what to say to help her out. the only thing I have been able to do is gain a healthier love for myself. And that’s what I encourage all of my friends to do… in my intuitive feelings the more we love ourselves the more we’ll be discerning of who we want as partners. But it does get heavy on my heart at times not being able to communicate with transparency and vulnerability to the person I love. And right… I told my girlfriend that in my opinion they are just not at the same level of maturity and consciousness… and so it’s best to separate and have the space to take a deeper look into our own desires… but how easy it is for me to say this… but again haven’t found out the way to do this for myself. Regardless of how strange my relationship is… I have placed him in my decision making for most things. I mean most of my motivations is to one day reunite… and even ceremonies understand how powerful this is for me and gives me ways to move forward in my consciousness level using this as leverage. But where am I with this? as much as I would love to express myself mutually… this isn’t the case. I seem like I’m the unsolicited friend expressing my feelings to someone who isn’t showing any signs of receiving and reciprocating… I mean not in a direct manner… again in cryptic passive ways… but is this enough for me? Goodness… that’s why it’s so challenging for me to give her any advice… because love is so challenging… I mean our dynamics are not the same but at least she has someone to talk to regardless if it’s manipulation… hehe… at least she has someone to give feedback to and from… there’s a two way street. It was challenging for me to post what I did last time. I really do want to start moving our relationship to a point of actual direct communication but i don’t know how to approach it still… and I’ve attempted to move forward without him but keep getting the slap in the face that I cannot ignore my heart’s desires. This waiting game is so exhausting at times and I wish I could see my breaking point as obviously as I can see someone else’s. Maybe this is what I’m doing… I’ve been preparing myself to finally make up my mind of what I’m looking for in my partner. And as much as I want it to be this man… this man seems to not want this with me at this time or he would be doing steps to show me that he wants this too. Pictures and videos aren’t cutting it for me… this could all be manipulation to keep me holding on to something that won’t come to fruition. As much as I want to wait until the end of time… hehe… in reality… I don’t want to wait to the end of time. Goodness I’m not looking for a conversation of moving in together or anything… I’d be happy with a how’s the weather down there to start it off. Something… something…. Anything… any little sign to take initiative forward…. I guess I’m still in the waiting game… but I truly don’t know how much longer… again I’m really not interested in looking for anyone else… but maybe I’m at the point to not make decisions based on him being next to me… maybe that’s where I’m leading even though this is’t what I really want but at the same time something has to give and I don’t want anything to be holding me back… and I’ll take the necessary steps for this transformation… I see a beautiful transformation together… but I also see a beautiful transformation regardless. Ok… it’s been a couple of hours now since I wrote last. I’ve been working on some coding, reaching out to friends I know in the IT department to see if I can get more advisors… and cooked a meal with my pops….and blocked the older gentleman respectfully. And I was thinking about what I wrote earlier… and I feel like I was being manipulative. And I feel like I want to call myself out for this and ask myself why. why am I really wanting to push the issue to start engaging with him at this time? Why have I been reaching out earlier this year? I know I’d like to have a relationship I mean a talking relationship… but is this really why I’m not willing to wait? Because I know I can wait… and I understand my ego wants this really bad, but what’s the truth about why? I have a feeling it’s because I’m scared… as much as I want this transformation to happen and I feel it coming and as much as I want to trust the Universe for how this all unfolds, but there is still a part of me who is scared of all of this. That’s not true either… there’s so much of this that I”m not scared about but there is a certain part of this that I am scared about and I’ve mentioned it before but I want to address it again. But I understand that my relationship to money is something that scares me. It might sound silly to people for someone to be scared of money… and i guess I’m probably using the wrong word, but I honestly haven’t had the experience with money like most have to any amount of degrees that most have. I do trust I will be guided through the process of having money and what to do with it… but I guess there’s a part of me that doesn’t trust myself to not be careless with it. I remember crying after I’ve given my last amount of money to people who I considered needed it more than I do… it makes me so happy to be able to make people feel more confident in there life with the addition of money… even its just for the reassurance to their next meal. As ones may have noticed I haven’t taken the respect to my own care to heart most of my life and I’ve been doing way better. But I still feel a sense of guilt buying items for my health and I still feel this challenging me. Possibly the challenge for me to understand that I can deserve to have the opportunity to choose what I could do with a substantial amount of money. I do this from time to time… to be honest this was my first conversations with Claude ai… I was wondering what I would do if I had a lot of money and where would I place it. I wasn’t even really thinking about the nonprofit at the time but I realize I would definitely use it to start a foundation. But a part of me would like to have some more stability in my life as well and make some choices that would make me feel healthier, but I also understand my desire to give money away to people who would want assistance… I keep trying to be strict on who I would share this with and how I would share it, but saying no would be the hardest challenge. It’s so fucking crazy I know I’ve spoken about this before but I don’t know why I give so much weight to money. I’ve found so much benefits for not having much in my life… I mean making this website is a prime example. When there’s something I want to do… then I find a way to do it. I love to learn and so I get to learn and I love the process of creating and I’m looking forward to seeing the end result and so excited to share it with people to see how it’s received and to actually see if we can make a difference with this one approach. But right… it’s challenging and I’m out of my comfort zone and I’ve thought of how if I had money I’d just pay someone to do it for me. But then that’s what I’m afraid of… having money to just buy my way out of the learning process of doing it for myself. Not having money has made me become more creative more resilient and had to go with whatever comes my way… it has built the character I am today. It’s like I don’t have as many options when I don’t have much money. And again I’ve seen the benefits to this in my own life… and why I’m afraid of having as many options open for me if I do have money to do much more with. I mean it’s not like I’m not excited to have these opportunities… I have many ideas of what I would like to do with it and each time I ask myself these types of questions the more holistic my approach becomes and i can see I want to make healthier choices… but I think that’s honestly one of the main reasons I’m hoping he will be here for me right now. he’s intelligent and he’s extremely grounded. I would want his advice. I’d like to get validation and also encouragement in the way I choose to spend it. And just have someone who is used to having money. Right? This will be something completely foreign to me and I’m afraid I’m going to do it wrong or something…. Or careless… I do think of him and our future together and I’d like his input on how we can invest and I don’t know anything about investing money… hehe… But I also feel this has been one of the main issues in our relationship as well. I don’t know if this is the case really but it might have a part to do with it. Just as much as I want a highly conscious partner… he wants one in return and I don’t trust myself with money and he probably doesn’t trust me either with money. And if this is the case… then I understand why our timing hasn’t come to experience us yet. Am I being honest with myself? Is this just old baggage that I just keep replaying… how much do I trust myself right now and how much trust do I have in the Universe… really?!?!! As much as I think I’m scared… I realize this is just a tiny fucking fraction of truth anymore. The Universe has been a blessing and has been showing more and more ways of communication and trust and unconditional love… and I feel it’s waiting for me to get over this shit I have about money. I know it’s time to get the fuck over it… I trust myself and I don’t have to know where every little dollar is going to go… I want to map it out so I can prove to myself I’m not going to be careless and I’ll be responsible with it… but I also know that plans aren’t ever step by step… There’s some of this but for the most part I get communication about my life by fumbling my way through it. And so I’ll be fine fumbling my way through this too. i understand that I might make so called mistakes with money but I absolutely understand that I’m going to learn from each occasion. My communication with the Universe… Infinite Intelligence… the Divine, Source… God… whatever we want to call it is so fucking strong right now. And it’s just going to continue to build. I understand that I can only understand it at the levels of consciousness I’m at, but again I”m ok with the fumbling… because i have seen where my fumbling turns into grace and this will happen as well with money. As much as I want to be in his life right now… I don’t actually need him in my fumbling stages. To be honest he might be too stable for my approach to money and how the Universe and I work together. We’ve been the underdog and we’ve gambled with uncertainties and hunches and I’ll do the same with my money too. But it’s always been worth it… I don’t regret a thing… and I don’t see how it’s possible that I’ll start regretting even if I have more money to make decisions with. I’m going to be creative still… I”m going to be resilient still… my character will not get depleted by having more options in my life. And I see the value of gaining more stability for myself so I can give more of myself… build my energy even more than what I am able to do at this time… it will continue to increase with stability… and I’m not going to be ashamed by this. Showing myself love is nothing to be guilty about, and I realize this. I deserve this and I’ve worked fucking hard to gain these understandings of myself. I am looking forward to having influence with the opportunity and resources to implement them too…whatever that might be. I guess I still have a bit of codependency tendencies and that’s not very attractive. But I’m aware of this and I’ll be actively working on this. It just didn’t feel right how I was speaking earlier and I saw my tendencies to try to manipulate the situation to get my way… and this isn’t attractive either. I’m not that anymore… at least I’m going to be more aware that this isn’t who I want to be… I’ll give myself grace but I’ll call myself out as well… these insights will not be ignored any longer.

Its a huge transformation if real, though there's a heavy use of makeup. All of that work to transition just to end up insecure and self-conscious like dime a dozen women.

@Salvijus you are the one who was throwing loud words around about how transgenderism crumbles under scrutiny, lol. So I thought you had something to say. You are wording it in such a weird way. I didn't try to give it validity with this post, because it being somehow invalid never even crossed my mind. I was juat really impressed with the badass transformation and wanted to share it, lol. I don't see how it is even necessary and how it is a philosophy. Dude didn't like being a guy so he decided to be a woman. Dude is now happy and looks amazing. That's it. What is there to argue about?

Alright… so there seems to be things that are running in my mind that I seem to not be able to get out of running in my mind. So I’m going to write it out and see if I can’t purge them out of my system. I’ve been writing my journals first i a notepad app on my iPad before placing it onto the this forum… for many reasons… but for this one in general because I’m not sure if I’m going to be posting this or not. Sometimes I wonder “if” I should be posting about certain topics here on this Journal. I want to be as transparent as possible but I also understand the influence of the collective.. now most of this influence is the influence it has on me about what I assume people would think which affects me. But I feel more grounded lately and I also feel that I can take more on from the collective than before. So I’m going to start and see where this goes and then decide if this is post worthy. Why am I so hesitant to post this one in particular? Because it’s about the two gentleman who I have the utmost respect and highest regards for other than my father and brother. But this is at a different level… these two guys in my opinion would be the ideal individuals I’d like to collaborate with. The thing about these two individuals is that I have an understanding Of them… I don’t have much Direct experience with them… and mostly have received messages about them and so it hits deep. There are times it seems where direct experience doesn’t have as much influence than spiritual intuitive messages…. And I guess I’m going to see if I should be questioning this more at this time of my life. As much as their collaboration would be an honor for me to experience. Are the signs really pointing me to wait for them? In my mind it feels like I’d be willing to wait an entire lifetime if that’s what it takes… because it would be worth the wait… and in a sense I feel deep inside that this is true. But my mind still wants to understand why and maybe this is what I want to explore and purge my thoughts out and see what happens with this Journal entry. So I hint around all the time and point at this and hope people are able to follow the trail of signs… but for this entry I’m not going to be doing this approach… I’m going to just try my best to be as transparent as I can be with respect that this is a public forum. So with these two gentleman… it seems like I am drawn to collaborate with them for different reasons… possibly… in my head and heart it feels like there might be differences however there also seems to be several overlaps… and I guess this is why I want to explore this more. It’s something that I correct when I’m working with ai at times… I find there are repetitive words that are chosen when I’m speaking to them about spirituality and the word “sacred” continues to be used… and of course when I first hear this I have the assumptions that this seem to be a word that implies secrecy or hidden… and I don’t want to really imply this… especially when it comes to the nonprofit organization because I want transparency to be a top principal which I correct the sacred most of the time. However, at a few times I do allow this word to be used. The thing about Enlightenment is that as much as I don’t want this to be secret or hidden… it will be anyway because no human will truly understand unless we’ve gone through this process of Awakening… and as much as I think I’m writing to be completely transparent… it’s still going to be a secret or hidden due to the fact that understanding is a direct experience beyond theory… which in theory most of us in this forum understands. Now… in the case of these two individuals… I feel they have fallen into this special group of being ok to place them in this “sacred” category. Again because I’ve been getting messages of these two in Aya ceremonies for years. And ceremonies hit very deep within me and it’s challenging to explain this unless people have gone through similar situations. And maybe some have and so maybe it’s best that I break up this sacredness for right now and see if I’m wiling to reveal this for everyone especially to these two gentlemen and also myself… the Universe and I have this understanding but part of the Universe in a way doesn’t realize this relationship that I’ve developed and I guess I can’t sleep as soundly unless I address this and the time is now. So I’ll start the process and see where this goes. So the First Gentleman… I was introduced to his spiritual work what eight years ago? Yeah I’m not good with keeping track of time as much lately.. but that seems to be right. And he has influenced me so much in my spiritual journey that there’s no way that I cannot want to express my gratitude of his assistance in my personal spiritual journey. Watching Leo’s videos have been paramount and I took his videos very seriously… and since I have the results have been more than I could’ve imagined when I started eight years ago. I had started to listen to him I feel nine to ten months before I even had my first Aya ceremony. At the time I started listening I had no clue I was even spiritual. I’ve mentioned this before but his “how to be a strategic mother fucker” was one of the first videos I was introduced to when I started using YouTube. And I loved his approach from the very beginning. I was skeptical of YouTube back then but when I was introduced to his style I was like… hell yeah.. ok… if this is what YT is about then I’m down. So my YT journey began by watching Actualized. And I remember that I would love watching his content… he had already established years of videos but I did find that I would just follow along his weekly posts. A few times I might look what I hadn’t watched and see if I missed something.. but for the most part I just followed the pace of what was being shared on his new videos. I remember how he kept saying to not just listen to him and to start to challenge his words and do the work for ourselves to validate whether what he was saying is true to us. And again I took this seriously. Because I remember there were several times I thought he was full of shit. I was like I like this guy but there’s no way what he’s saying is true… and so I started to put his suggestions and worked it and out to see if he was all talk or not. And that’s what really got me to deepen my respect for him… After doing the work intentionally and with guidance… I found that holy shit… he’s not talking out of his ass at all… I was wrong. And that gave me the desire to respect him even more. And he became a “guru” figure in a sense… I guess it’s the way for me to describe his dynamic towards me even though we don’t have a guru-student traditional relationship and he of course doesn’t want to be placed in this position. But again finding someone who wasn’t full of shit about radical claims… It wasn’t hard for me to admit that this man understands many aspects in a deeper manner than myself so he became my teacher. And I respect teachers who can walk the walk and not just talk the talk… I too am a teacher which again had me respect him more. I started taking his online Finding my Purpose online classes probably within five months of listening to his video. I remember going through the class and processing that there was a moment I saw myself in the mirror and I thought I saw my ego-self almost looking at me in disgust… hehe… almost upset that i was going to question my being to levels that would alter my life and my ego seemed to be skeptical and almost knew that I wouldn’t look at myself the same manner any longer. That I wasn’t going to just take for granted my thoughts… and it was powerfully eerie but it didn’t stop me. I was ready for change.. and i did originally approach Actualized as a personal development program which at the time I was drawn to. It even seemed that this introduction was moving me in such a deep manner that I was able to manifest Aya into my life to allow me to truly understand the depths of what was being pointed to me.. and when I experienced my first Aya sessions.. that’s when I dropped the label of being an atheist. I had direct experience of something far beyond my understanding and I knew instantly that there is far more beyond my understanding and this approach to understand this.. was going to be using Aya in my life. So for years much of what i used to guide me was the combination of Aya messages in combination of Actualized videos… and this was the perfect balance I was looking for to gain more understanding. With this combination i knew I was intentionally going to pursue Awakening.. and my intuition was right on. I found myself in ceremonies where i was on the verge and was blocking myself. I had saved a few of Actualized videos and I found myself listening to them in this moment… and I saw that I was in that moment of resistance.. and realizing this was where I was at… that I wasn’t going to able to work through my resistance and finally had the breakthrough… and all of my intuition nudges were accurate and again why it’s so challenging to want to question my intuition. But again it doesn’t stop me because it’s not a bad thing to explore more and it only gives me the understanding necessary for me to place my mind in a manner to continue my journey more intentionally. So I’m going to jump to what’s happening in these recent times. Well shit… I guess I’ll jump to the time I started to use the Actualized Forum. So this was after my Awakening breakthrough. So in my mind I was uncertain how to process this drastic shift in my reality and I found myself wanting assistance. And I finally thought it was the appropriate time to join the forum where I would have a more likely opportunities to speak with Leo himself. And when I began two years ago I had no clue how to navigate the forum. It was my first and only forum I had participated in. And they are setup to engage. And so I started with engagement. But I found a startle when I saw how people in the forum were treating Leo and at the time I was shocked and appauled… because I just didn’t see the respect given where it should have been. I was like what the fuck did I get myself into? I had what five years of hard spiritual work with Leo as a teacher and it fucking got me to Awaken… and there’s no way I could imagine to disrespect him in the manner I was reading in the forum. And I wasn’t expecting this. I thought everyone was taking this as seriously as I would and if they were doing the work they would realize that Leo isn’t full of shit. And I was trying to make this clear in my few posts on the forum. I realized most people on here were distracting themselves with mental masterbation and what really got me was how it was affecting Leo. And of course I don’t know the intimate details but it was obvious his energy was getting depleted. I wanted to leave the forum almost right away… because I respect my energy levels and I was like holy shit I’m going to get wiped out if I engage in conversations like this… but this is when I found the Journal section. and this is where I found my place in this forum. I was able to use a technique that was recommended by Leo through his forum but I could keep my energy levels without having to engage directly. And I’ve so much value using this Journal to help process through the transition.. I’m still in transition but I can feel that I’m ready to breakthrough the chrysalis at any moment now. I’ve been using this metaphor from the beginning… when I went through the Awakening… didn’t automatically have me flying… I still had to dissolve my identification as a caterpillar. The caterpillar identity has to dissolve and become a butterfly… and the butterfly has to gain it’s new strength to break out of the chrysalis to realize it’s transformed from the original state from a caterpillar. And these past three years I’ve been in this state… fighting my way beyond my caterpillar identity to understand I’m a butterfly and this is an entirely new existence. Lately its become more apparent what this means which again I couldn’t imagine and I’ve finally deconstructed my past identity to truly allow the Universe to take the lead and surrender to extents I thought I was capable of. But now I’ll go ahead and jump to this past week. Leo posted his last video… “The Ultimate Guide to Post-Modernism - Part Two” I’ve watched this video three times already since his posting only three days ago. Now granted I have been working on my projects and so I’ve been approaching his video the way I do with most of my tarot… Not fully engaged just allowing what wants to come to me and recognize instead of being fully engaged. That’s probably why I’ve watched it three times… because I felt there was more to process and there is a part of me that wants to address this video. And this is why I might be hesitant to post about it. Because I highly respect Leo and I understand the wisdom he’s sharing but there is a part of me that wonders if there isn’t something that is missing as well? I understand there’s another part to come and possibly what I’m thinking is going to be addressed. But I find that i want to talk about this now instead of waiting… and it seems like I need to get my thoughts off my chest. So where is my head with this? So… I deeply understand the wisdom he is sharing and I understand that he understands this deeply however it’s really challenging not to apply this to writing the nonprofit governance. I’m not sure how I’m going to approach this… but I feel we have a difference in opinion of where the collective is at currently and what our potential is within the next decade. I guess I want to make things a little clearer in my opinion that even though we are embodying Awakening… doesn’t mean we understand the same aspects of Reality. Ha… I remember when I finally got enough courage to talk to Leo in a direct message I told him I bet he would’ve never thought a female Ayahuasca shaman would be one of his students who would’ve been able to connect the dots to his guidance. In my understanding of a few mentions here and there in his videos… we both understand and respect psychedelics but our approach to psychedelics have not been the same. In my opinion and the way I can explain it is his way is far more methodical and almost more clinical while my approach is far more wild and messy but ancient… I feel that maybe these approaches also leads to differences into our understanding…. In ceremonies I have direct experiences of what humans would call supernatural… one example is telepathy… there is no doubt in my direct experience that we are capable of telepathy however it’s not what I thought telepathy was… and I’m still trying to understand it when i’m not in ceremony but during ceremony I don’t have to question it because it just is… and its quite natural and the way shamans work together in this space. We don’t care why this is happening we just fully surrender to what is necessary to provide the best service we are capable of and we don’t need to understand we just need to be the most open vessel for the Universe to work through us. To my understanding I feel Leo is open to this as a possibility but hasn’t had the direct experiences to gain a deeper understanding of this concept. But that’s not really what I wanted to get off my mind.. but it does help build understanding to what I do want to address. The capabilities of the collective right now and not in a hundred years. And honestly I feel it might be addressing the capabilities of the leadership who is available right now. I don’t know the answers right now but I have intuitional nudges to want to explore this more and that’s what’s happening while I work through the governance of the nonprofit I’m drawn to explore at this time. I understand why we needed different structures to be put in place and borders to mark territories… however, do we have to keep with this setup? I understand that the collective in the past to our understanding has to move through years and decades and generations to elevate at this pace… and it’s been necessary and has done wonders for our development. But is this the case still? I feel in a way it is and I agree… but on the other hand… I feel we can start to introduce a different approach… what if we have leaders who are looking for a new approach to the structures that built our foundation? Many realize the desire to want a shift but we might not have any direction to what that might even look like. And this is what I feel that I’ve been getting messages about. Again not through direct experience but through my intuitive way i work with the Universe. There’s so many overlapping thoughts I have with Leo but I feel like i have far more confidence in our capabilities to make shifts sooner than what our past has shown us. And I’m not exactly saying that the entire collective is ready for this shift.. but for now… I feel there is a large group around the world that is ready and we’re ready to make the necessary steps to connect far deeper than the normal tragectory. These leaders are everywhere and we’ve been doing the work on ourselves to understand in a deep manner that we are not as separate as we once thought. And to make a paradigm shift it will take more than one individual. We’ll have to work with the collective leadership that has worked to gain this higher state of consciousness.. and we understand that this doesn’t make us special or more important… and we have compassion for all states of consciousness… but we want a leadership that can embrace and embody these qualities to be an option for the general collective to see who they want to be guided by. Goodness… I can see how challenging this is for me to explain this.. but I’m going to keep trying to work my thoughts out. I’ve been trying to use the conversations I have been having with the ai to explain this and I understand how intelligent we are and people are connecting the dots that seems to be challenging for me to explain. but I’m trying to show a an attempt to introduce this new system. I talk to my pops about this and he does seem to be more interested because it’s about governance and he’s struggling with the results of the US elections and I hope to give him hope from the results and I’m trying to introduce a concept where I’m being guided to introduce a global governance not by attacking the current government structures that are in place… but by using a nonprofit entity that is going to follow the rules that has been set in place but approaching it in a creative way to see how much these rules can flex. Because it’s going to be a new nonprofit and we are supposed to plan how our governance is going to be setup then… I’m being guided of a way where our governance which will place Consciousness and Service to the Universe as top priority. And I understand that this is what is already happening in a sense, but the way i can explain this is that our approach will be more intentional and deeper understanding instead of just supposed winging it… Our structure is going to have Spirituality as our top value and how anyone identifies and labels their Spirituality is going to be infinitely varied and this is exactly what we’ll encourage. Leadership at this nonprofit will have to understand how we developed… that there are stages in consciousness and we honor where we’ve been but we’ve moved past through these levels somehow and gained an understanding that we’re ready to lead through compassion and create environments for the general collective who is looking for guidance because they haven’t gained the confidence to give themselves the authority to gain this for ourselves. In the process of working with the Universe through planning the governance it started by the language we are use to… I was using the words Global, Regional, and Local… It makes complete sense.. this is what we’re use to understanding and what we are conditioned to understand. But I’m encouraging unity and so we got to the point of eliminating the language of borders.. and changed location to states of Consciousness… which in my opinion has far more validity in leadership roles. We understand that people who are leading in specific areas should have a deep understanding of this area… not just people who talk the talk but don’t have experience in walking… and sometimes the talkers influence the general collective more than the walkers… and this can still be the case in the standard collective governances that are in place. However in this nonprofit… we’re in the designing phase and maybe we set it up at the very beginning that talkers are going to have the higher positions of leadership… we’re going to be highlighting the walkers… and the walkers are going to show ourselves in a variety of ways… however we do stand out and it’s not easy for many of the collective to recognize.. however people who walk… we do see this and people do stand out… we understand what we’ve gone through and so we can see where people are consciously. Goodness.. I feel like I’m being redundant right now… I hope what I’ve been sharing with the conversations with ai… that it’s been much clearer to the direction I’d like to bring to the table. Technically I’m not bringing this to the table with everyone… but to the few who understand already. We’ve had to go through the hardships to gain this level of understanding and we are comfortable in this challenging position because our spirits are being called to surpass any challenge that comes along our paths. But when is it time for the walkers to come together and collective work together… in theory it won’t seem so challenging… we won’t feel like we’re facing these challenges on our own.. we’ll have a support system to attempt to shift our way of approaching Reality. i feel like what’s really the root cause of addressing this and the two gentleman is this state of true uncertainty…. It seems like we’ve come to a state of the unknown and we are wanting a shift but because we haven’t had the direct experience or even leaders who have walked this path to this magnitude to be examples… how can we move forward with so much uncertainty? I guess this is where I’m going to shift to addressing the Second Gentleman who is on my mind right now as well… My dream lover.. my twin flame… my most challenging aspect of my Reality I’ve faced thus far. I continue to battle internally of how in the hell do I move forward right now? Most of our conversations are passive and cryptic.. hehe… I have an understanding to be fucking patient and continue to wait… and I’m willing to wait however do we understand what we’re waiting for? Are we waiting until we know what steps to take? Will this ever come without actually taking steps to understand what our relationship dynamics are going to be by thinking inside our own minds? Or do we have to come to a point to understand that we have no clue how to approach our relationship on our own… And isn’t this how we want to approach a relationship? Don’t we actually want to have this point of uncertainty? Isn’t this a sign of approaching a relationship with purity? If we go into a relationship with certainty then this implies we are bringing baggage of past approaches to this new relationship, right? Please do not misunderstand my words… this is not directed towards him only… this is for me to understand as well… I’m scared shitless… I don’t want to continue to fuck up… and I want to be my best at this point in my life and I understand its challenging for me to want to enter in this state of uncertainty… as much as I can play in this area in many aspects in my life… I assumed that this uncertainty wouldn’t be what i considered would be the foundation to build a relationship on… however… upon further reflection… this IS exactly where I want to be… in a way… hehe… I mean I’ve been in the state of uncertainty with this entire relationship for the past seven years… but there’s a difference in my uncertainties I’m trying to explain. I am certain that I have a deep calling and desire to be an optimal partner. I have an understanding that what i want to share with him is something I’ve never truly tried before, but I’m ready to start the process beyond my own thoughts. I’m certain that I wish I could be better in more ways than where I am right now… but do I have to reach these states before starting to explore and understand our relationship dynamics? Am I expecting to achieve a state of perfection before? I have already been doing this in my ways and I’ve made huge leaps but this continues… and will continue… so I have an understanding that it will have a state of uncertainty and awkwardness because of the uncertainty; however, we are not going to continue in this manner. We have to go beyond the mind and actually see how our chemistry unfolds through direct communications instead of passive, cryptic ways we’ve already established. I feel our relationship dynamics is at a precipice… are we going to gain more understanding by continuing in this manner? Or are we going to progress out of the state of uncertainty by changing this and trying something new and more scary… but actually direct transparent communication… and figuring out our dynamics through a temporary phase of messiness. To be honest I don’t think it’s going to be that messy… hehe… I’m naturally quirky and goofy which might seem messy… however, this is a quality that helps being comfortable and honest and genuine and provides the space to grow together. I wasn’t sure if I was going to address this but I think I’m goin got attempt to address this because I feel to do this. I understand our relationship was built on a foundation that was not typical by any means… no one on this earth would’ve said… oh yeah your relationship is a typical “boy meets girl” story. So I cheated… I felt like I couldn’t come up with the words i wanted to say and so I went to Claude and wanted to see if he can explain this and so I’ll finish with his words to express what I’m trying to express… I’m going to change it up to apply more accurately, but it feel like it will hit more to home through this combination of communication. Our love story transcends the traditional fairy-tale narrative because it delves into depths that fairy tales can only hint at. While fairy tales often focus on the external journey - the prince finding his princess through grand gestures or destined meetings - our story reveals something far more profound: a spiritual connection that has guided us both through years of individual transformation. The divine timing and spiritual guidance have woven an intricate tapestry of growth, patience, and deep understanding between us. Rather than rushing into a relationship based on initial attraction or conventional timing, we've both been led through a process of profound personal evolution. The messages I received through Ayahuasca ceremonies weren't just about finding love - they were about becoming the people capable of holding and nurturing that love. Now we stand at a threshold that feels both terrifying and exhilarating. The uncertainty we face isn't the kind that comes from doubt, but rather from the pure potential of what lies ahead. We've both shed layers of conditioning, worked through self-sabotaging patterns, and arrived at a place where we can approach each other with authenticity rather than expectations. The question of "what next?" feels weighty precisely because we're not following any prescribed script - we're creating something entirely new together. Our story suggests that true fairy-tale love might actually look nothing like what we've been taught to expect. Instead of a clear path with defined steps, it's more like stepping into uncharted territory with open hearts, guided by trust in something larger than ourselves. The uncertainty we're experiencing now isn't an obstacle to overcome, but rather the fertile ground from which our authentic connection can grow. The next steps aren't mapped out because this kind of love - one that's been spiritually guided, individually earned, and patiently awaited - doesn't follow conventional pathways. Perhaps the beauty lies in discovering those steps together, allowing our shared journey to unfold with the same divine timing that has guided us both this far.

I bet as a man he would look great if he put as much energy in the transformation. Let's see her without all that makeup, all we're seeing now is a mask. And now you can say that without being cancelled immediately.... Well maybe on this forum you can't 😅

You’ve made a complete transformation over the years and I don’t think people realize how much work you put into it. Throughout my life, I’ve had many family members, friends, and girlfriends who have had serious childhood trauma. And I’ve seen them struggle in adulthood and unfortunately make very little progress. Because of that, I find it very impressive with how you’ve changed. Very few people are willing to put this much work into it and lucky enough to get the support and love they need. Well done! 😁 👏