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I relate to you deeply. I was addicted to being sad, being a victim, being apathetic, finding excuse not to make an effort, hating happy people, hating myself, living day by day like a zombie, trying to pull other people into my world but pushing them away when they approached. I was so twisted. Human beings are very unhappy creatures. But our culture is a "happy go easy" culture. Social media, advertisement, entertainment--everything's there to push your happy button. Feeling sad? Check out the latest cosmetics, games, shows and pills! The odd thing is, I made a wish to live a happy life. Then I was pulled even deeper into the darkness. At one point, I was binge watching sad stories on youtube: addiction, heroin, extremely fat and bed-ridden people, homeless, suicide, sadistic child torture, child abuse, crimes, psychopaths, prison, etc. I got in touch with so many gruesome stories that I didn't know could happen. But as I watched, I find myself sending compassion to these people. Even with serial killers, I find myself saying: "I get it. It's impossible that a person could be so cold blood without anything horrible happening to him or her." Then, one day, I found myself no longer interested in these sad things anymore. I want to focus on building a good life. If I can save myself, then I have done my part in reducing a little bit of sadness from the world. So, you could try sinking into the darkness, but with awareness and compassion. Don't deny your sensitivity. You'll find yourself love life so much more if you allow yourself to see the dark side of if.

Hello, actualizers. I wanted to share some of my day to day experiences with meditation, self-inquiry, self-reflection. More so i will elaborate on the feelings and cognitions that i usually feel. I have picked meditation habit on and off since 2015. The first year was very boring. It was so boring to sit even for 20 minutes and i often wondered whats the point. I was trying to push myself, so i can sit trough it. It was just plain suffering for some time, but i noticed, it had some quality, that it was worth the struggle. Then i somehow sat for an hour, when i was meditating. It wasn't blissful, it was quite peaceful. But really just that. I felt like my breathing were very natural and i was more aware of parts of my body and i feel more centered in my day to day activity. But i remembered at the end of the year 2015 i bought an inner engineering course by Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev, and i for the first time felt that i can change something in my life and that life was somewhat in my hands, however i felt a feeling i will always remember. That was the feeling of suffering and not knowing why you are suffering. Looking back at that moment, now that i underestand reality more and more, that was something i don't even want to experience again. So some suicidal toughts, some very depressing and dark toughts came. So turned my head all the way towards spirituality at that time. I remember being so negative and occasionaly violent irrational toughts were flowing trough my head, and also a sense of anger, anger for feeling like i have to live in unhappy existence. So up to this point i still have somewhat of a desire to leave the body, (not suicide), not by hurting it, but consciously, there is acctually a funny story about that also. So i found Mooji's videos and whatever else guru's videos on the net. I practiced mooji's natrural noticing meditation religiously. Sometimes even up to 2 times a day, means 2 hours. Why did i do that? I felt absolutely miserable in my first job, which ironically is the same i am currently working now and externally its not much better. However the first thing i felt was a certain warmth lighting up in the region of my upper body. Then i started noticing that energies are real, there is such a thing as kundalini energy and what a chakra feels like. And soon after i noticed that my crown chakra has become loosely active. I could feel it pouring out warmth and bliss. Bliss is an actual feeling (chemistry in the body), almost like marihuana induced effect but sober. But my stomach was so hurting, it was almost like hurting from every worry and low self-worth pattern i held and entertained. And since i really wanted enlightenment but i was a mess, i suffered so much. But after a while it stabilized, it is still a struggle, however there is more and more bliss. And really all this time, the hardest thing for me is waking up and experiecing that bad feeling, so i have to catch up, but very soon after there is bliss. Then later after that i started to have mini-awakenings, having a change of habits, and feel so complete about death. However the experience i still unsustainable. Yes, i can really choose to feel into the moment, as it is the only truth realy, and that ability, my friends, i wouldn't give away for anything. Ever. Then i met and saw some psychics and now my view of life has changed completely. If i have to give description of what meditation does to you, firstly it makes you a different person much faster. Like you evolve your beliefs over your lifetime, with meditation, its almost like in 6 months time i am already feeling like a different person to what i used to be. Now there just is a choice to entertain certain toughts, or just let it flow and be exhausted. There is more presentness. Less sleep needed. Bliss all over the body. Peacefulness and non-violent feeling. Feeling of wanting to be responsible for your duties like work, because this is the easiest way, there is just less suffering if you are upfront and integrated into what you do. Feeling like time has less impact upon me. There are also awakenings in my sleep (no-dream void/infinity experience) besides the enlightenment glimpses in waking state. Also you are MUCH more inuitive and in clarity to see who you whould listen to. There is more gratitude also. However still, if i could leave this body and never come back, i wouldn't hesitate. I have tried to do that in my evening sittings... It does lead to an awakening of sorts but i am affraid to go too far, as i still kinda want to live here as i am. Weird indeed, how are your experiences?

Here is a channel whom is currently going through kundalini activity: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCz1XJrEItAE-RxKAGngsIkg Here is a channel of someone who attained enlightenment through kundalini: https://www.youtube.com/c/craigholliday/featured Here is a book by Gopi Krishna whom also attained enlightenment through kundalini: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/91210.Kundalini Some of his experiences explained: https://realization.org/p/gopi-krishna/krishna.awakening.html Here is one of the oldest websites on kundalini whose website owner El-Collie Said to have committed suicide because of kundalini: https://www.kundalini-gateway.org/awaken/index.html It is the most potent and most dangerous way to enlightenment.

Elliott recently shed light on this about meditation (what are your guy's thoughts?) : "It started when one of my successful friends winced at the mention of meditation. He told me: I can't do that stuff anymore, it makes your mind blank. He told me he'd been meditating a lot. So much that his mind was completely blank. Like a desert. Tumbleweeds and all. And obviously this has big implications for an entrepreneur, or any man on his hero's journey. I didn't know at the time that my friend was referring to meditation sickness. Yes, meditation can make you sick. And no, it's not some woo-woo phenomenon. Most of the eastern religions have recognized meditation sickness as a normal occurrence. Recently, I heard about one from a psychologist who “meditated so hard” she began tossing and turning in her sleep, became supremely anxious, had shortness of breath, and became overwhelmingly emotional. In another more serious case, meditation apparently triggered a suicide." Buddhists, Hindus, and other eastern religions have been aware of “meditation sickness” for hundreds of years. The root cause of this strange ailment is a disconnection from the outside world and letting the mind go blank. And that's the main reason why I no longer meditate - Letting the mind go blank alone is dangerous. It’s like preparing the soil in the garden without planting anything. Weeds will almost certainly infest your garden. The same goes for the mind. If you wipe it clean with meditation and leave it blank, you’re leaving your mind vulnerable to outside forces - demons, spirits, and negative beta thoughts. You need to install new alpha software, add new files, and occupy that empty space with constructive thoughts to become a better man.

Dear gswva, Once again: I'm not enlightened. My knowledge is only through the scriptures I read and videos that I watch online. It's very much possible my knowledge is flawed. Without enlightenment we can only speculate. Even with enlightenment, it seems there are various levels of enlightenment with different knowledge and more depth to such knowledge. Having understood this, we can only speculate. So, lets speculate: From my understanding, all the descriptions that we give about the Brahman are just that: Descriptions and Thoughts. Even the word Brahman is just a label and as such is just a thought. Neither can you say it exist, nor can you say it doesn't exist. It exists without existing. It is the pure absolute nothingness. So absolute in its emptiness that it becomes the very source of every unique thing. Yet, none of those things are different from it. They only exist in and as itself. The way we think and believe seems to be the way Brahman seem to appear to us(Just like the AI in the movie Captain Marvel). In Non-Dual Traditions: The same reality is experienced as nameless and formless but with all potential. In Bhakthi Traditions: Those who worship krishna report visiting krishna and his abode Goloka(Krishna's abode); those who worship shiva talk about their experiences of shiva; similarly the Devi(goddess) has been seen(e,g: Ramakrishna paramahamsa frequently talked with "kali devi"). Similarly, visiting heaven and christ in christianity; Egyptian gods in ancient egypt etc.. In which ever way we create our karma(Cause & Effect - Tendencies, Beliefs, Conditioning, Memories, Behaviours, etc). such seems to be our experience. Each of these worshipers actually experience reality as if their god is the one who created the entire reality and He/She/They/It is the one who is presiding over everything. Such gods actually show to their devotees through certain experiences how they are the alpha and omega of everything(Best e.g: Virat Rupa(Universal Form) of Krishna shown to Arjuna in the battlefield). During such experiences the devotees actually experience their deity to be anything and everything, with all the descriptions and experiences of non-dual liberation as well as dual liberations being present within their deity itself. Although the deity seen with a form, still at the same time being infinite; with everything present within themselves; Just like fractals although seem to have a limited form; after having zoomed in, will reveal infinite patterns with infinite depth. I'll give you just one example of how they experience their realities based on their belief: "In Gaudiya Vaishnava school of bhakthi(Devotional) tradition(ISKCON). Their deity is Krishna. They make a distinction between Material reality and Spiritual reality. Spiritual reality having many varieties of infinite realms all being completely perfect and eternal. Each realm has a certain form of Krishna presiding over that realm. There is no suffering in any of those realms whatsoever. All of them are filled only with blissful experiences. When they want to experience material reality they descend and have them and again return back to their own abodes. Anybody who develops devotion and worships Krishna believing the stories about him with full unconditional loving intensity; after getting liberation in bhakthi(Dual type liberation) and after giving up their physical body, they go to such places and stay there eternally(I doubt it being eternal - But, who knows) Then, Krishna also creates these Material reality where infinite universes are generated and dissolved again and again. Within each of which: material heavens, hells and earthly experiences are experienced according to the karma of the living entities with incarnation and reincarnation cycles going on again and again. until liberation happens. But, they say that all these material heavens and hells and earthly realms are all temporary and will get destroyed during universal dissolution. And all of them are born in a new universe and are placed in situations suitable for their karma. Also, enjoyment and suffering in earth, heaven or hellish realms are experienced only as long as the karma for such enjoyment or suffering lasts. As such, are only temporary. Karma keeps generating and doesn't run out as long as actions are done with attachment for material fruits. In this tradition, there were and still are very exalted enlightened beings who have experienced these realms/realities directly and written about them. These realities are not experienced as hallucinatory. The realities when being experienced are more profound and vivid than even our own earthly reality. In one such story, a sage during his meditation on his lord was experiencing such a realm and got his finger burnt in that realm. When he opened his eyes in our realm, his finger actually was burnt even in our realm(remember that scene in Matrix?)." The experiences mentioned above are only experienced as such by those who follow Gaudiya Vaishnava Tradition(ISKCON) which is just one sub-tradition within the vaishnava tradition within Hinduism. Like this, there are literally more than thousand of other traditions within Hinduism itself. There are 33 million gods in Hinduism it is said. Likewise, there are many different religions in other parts of the world each with their own belief and customs and traditions. Just like the e.g given above, all of them experience their LIFE based on how they create their own karma(Cause & Effect, tendencies, beliefs, conditioning, memories, behaviors, etc).. They experience their gods, heavens , hells and other such things, the way they imagined and believed. All of this is just like water in the mirage. As such you can say, it doesn't exist. But then, as some form of an imagination itself, all of it is real. Just like dreams when experienced are reacted-to-emotionally by the dreamer as being real as long as they are being experienced. Please read the sample screenshots of Yoga Vasishta from these posts first: Once you understand basics of how reality is constructed by reading the above mentioned posts, you'll understand that any reality is seen only within some mind(Jiva - Individuated atomic living entity). Just like dream world is seen within the dreamer's mind. Just as Imagination is seen within the mind of the one imagining it. There is no possibility of projecting any reality outside of a mind. Our reality is also one such reality projecting within some mind. That being the case, Every reality is only an imaginary one. Even the mind that projects it is also just a mirage. All of this duality with all its universes/realities within such minds is like a water seen in the mirage(Think of such minds as mirages and water seen in the mirages as the worlds seen in such minds). Both mirage and water seen in it are unreal. They exist without existing. Also if we assume everything is intelligently designed, afaik all "past lives" memories could be imaginary and unrelated to the actual mechanics consciousness shapes itself. I'm not denying reincarnation but I'm just saying it doesn't prove anything. Brahman and intention are incompatible with one another. It is not a personal entity. It is completely impersonal and formless. It is beyond intent and intellectualizing. There is nothing that can be said about it. Upon reaching it, all activity stops. No word or thought or imagination can touch it. It exists without existing. You are one with that Brahman they say.. A mere simple movement ( (metaphorical) which is natural and is a characteristic of Brahman; like movement of air is natural for the wind) in Brahman projects out infinite upon infinite of atomic Jiva(s)(Living entities with mind) into existence. The conscious intelligent design only happens(Not consciously happen in all of them) after the Jiva(s) have come into being within Brahman. Within the minds of those Jiva(s): world, rules and regulations, intelligence, logic all these things appear. These are NOT prior to the minds. For first appeared Primary Jiva(s), as well as secondary Jiva(s) - created within those Primary Jiva(s)'s minds; there is no karma initially. But, after acting as and within the world for some time; memories, tendencies, tastes, behavioral patterns, likes and dislikes, all of these are slowly acquired and they act as a repetitive compulsive cycles after a while, these patterns are what are called as vasanas and samskaras. These are collectively called as karma of that individual. As all the entities have such patterns, you can call it as collective karma of each of such groups. Just as when water flows upon land; creates a river bed by flowing continuously; and not able to change its path but to flow within the same riverbed after a while. Similarly, karma after creating some of it becomes a compulsive pattern, creating more and more which is hard to break. Just like a river without a riverbed disperses itself into all directions and ceases to exist as a river. Similarly, without karma, the individual will dissolve and cease to exist. Such dissolution is called liberation. Further Speculation: "Not all those Jiva(s) projecting such worlds within them are very intelligent. So these primitive, first order Jivas only project some dumb random, abstract, useless, not so sophisticated; not so very conscious reality within themselves. Initially they don't possess any knowledge whatsoever. After their death. After having gone through several cycles of interaction with other jivas through reincarnation in other jiva(s)'s universes as one of the living entities in those universes and having evolved into higher conscious states(through such interaction by natural evolution which happens randomly as well as driven by karma) as human beings or other such entities, they get more knowledge. These Jivas after their death in other Jiva's mental world/universe/realm might project very sophisticated universes within their own mind(Even during the lowly evolved states they may project some unsophisticated universes within themselves in some of the after-life cycles). Such projection may not happen within each after-life cycle; only when a compatible universe is not found for the karma that this jiva currently possesses that this Jiva may create such a projection. Even then it may simply wait in limbo for a compatible universe. Again, these projections either sophisticated or unsophisticated; may not be conscious ones. Just like our dreams are not experienced with lucidity with full consciousness of knowing them to be dreams. Similarly these projections may also happen unconsciously within themselves. Within these projected universes, there will be numerous Jiva(s) either reincarnated from other realities who have qualities which are compatible with this universe, or newly created ones without having had any karma before. These newly created jivas, can be directly human beings, deities, or any other such evolved beings which the jiva projecting the universe has previous knowledge of. These other jivas each further creating a universe within themselves in their after-life periods, with more jivas within them...with the cycle going ad-infinitum". As far as Reincarnation is concerned, since it happens only with-in the mirage like realities/universes, it also is just a type of illusory experiential cycle experienced in them. Although just an illusory experiential cycle, it does exist however as such; driven by karma. We do have strong evidence for that. As I already presented. You need to understand first that, even the universal mind which projects the world as well as the entities incarnate and reincarnate within it, both/all of them are bound by their karma. Although, if more conscious the Jiva becomes, more ability it has - to act with freedom/freewill with less influence from karma. Some Yogis/saints/sages may take the position of such universal mind and project some highly sophisticated realities/universes/realms. Such Universal minds(Jivas(s)) may be with almost absolute freedom(E.g: Krishna in Goloka - Such Jiva(s) are not called as Jiva(s) They are called Bhagawan-Supreme Gods and goddesses for those who worship them). The Abodes/Realities/Universes/Worlds/Heavens what ever you want to call it; created by such Bhagawan/God like entities who have attained very highly unimaginable levels of consciousness/awareness are the worlds where suffering and reincarnation doesn't exist. Whether these worlds exist eternally or not I don't know. It may be a possibility, but I'm not sure. There may be infinite such worlds with varying degrees of sophistication. Depending upon the consciousness prevailing in any reality, reincarnation may or may not be a fact in that reality. May be even in our own realities, not every one reincarnate. I don't know how it works. What I do know is: Karma is what drives reincarnation or any other experience as an individuated entity. Having understood all of this clearly. Keeping the example of Gaudiya Vaishnava tradition in mind. If we think about each of the models you have presented, Even though you have presented them as if each of your models encompass all of absolute existence. Still it is possible to reduce them into different possible realities and it is easily possible that each of those models of reality may be truly be experienced in some of those universes/realities in some of those minds imagining/creating them. Even if such realities doesn't exist anywhere now, they can still be created by imagining them in a certain state of mind, either through Meditation(like mentioned in Yoga Vasishta) or even after Physical Death by keeping on intensely imagining them again and again in your living time now. So, scriptures say that In what ever state of mind you leave your body, during death, that state you'll attain without fail. This is just like how we dream at night about those things which we intensely contemplated in our waking state. Also, you'll only experience those realities and experiences, about which you have knowledge of or atleast related to your mental and karmic structure as a natural progression of your karma. Absolutely random experiences may be a very rare phenomenon. What I meant is if everything is created before merging together or if nothing splits itself until it finds itself again Not necessary for all of creations to merge before other cycle of creations emerge. Infinite creations are keeping on emerging and dissolving infinitely in infinite minds simultaneously. This cycle never stops. Such is the nature of Brahman - Just like breathing is the nature of a human being. Having said that, this is only from the view given in the book:Yoga Vasishta. But, this also depends on your beliefs and world view. Remember: that you only experience what your mental structure believes and allows. The video posted above of Rupert Spira has somewhat a good explanation. For this very reason some people may remember some other people's experiences & memories as their own(As one can read somewhat similar experiences in Yoga Vasishta). But, he seems to assume all the individuated entities as loosely bound with loose covering. But, It is only true for certain individuals in certain states of karma and for certain periods and types of disembodiment. After death, it seems; generally the individuated entities are tightly bound with remaining 4 layers(more like aspects than layers) of coverings mostly intact which I have mentioned in my previous posts. Because of this, these entities acquiring the karmas and memories of other's may be rare. The obscure thing to me is what happens after the state of oneness and how would you know that. If it's empty/void awareness, or non-individualized infinite creation. In the first case, form = fear, duality directly yields the illusion of ego. In the latter case, form =/= fear, ego is not necessary to the awareness of anything. We also need to know if we can split ourselves again or not. May be we need to experience Non-Dual enlightenment to understand this. "Ramakrishna Paramahamsa" has said that merging into brahman is like a salt doll walking into the ocean. After merging with the ocean there is no coming back. Seems like all non dual scriptures say the same thing. I haven't studied all of them though. May be those who suffer too much choose to dissolve when such an opportunity presents itself. Whereas, those who improve more and more through their effort gain new heights of awareness and consciousness creating their own realities and living in it with full bliss eternally(? - I'm not sure). Sadhguru says in his book that there is no need to keep extending the individuation as every kind of universe has same fundamental structures. But, I don't agree with it. If it has no value; then, why are others creating such realities and keeping their individuation. He himself admitted that he doesn't have much scriptural knowledge. Maybe, too much confidence in one's own ability without proper theoretical knowledge may create such illusions. Also, as I mentioned already, you can only experience those experiences you believe and have knowledge about. Interestingly in the Gaudiya vaishnava tradition, although some of them say that such merging is a permanent suicide. Others say that even attaining liberation through merging with brahman is useless because it is only temporary and after a while they again fall down from that position. May be in this situation is where Rupert Spira's explanation may make sense, because during merging with Brahman there are no coverings and all those layers are completely dismantled. So the memories, tendencies and karma of all the merged individuals remain in the reservoir of Brahman and some of the newly created entities in the universes are created with the template of combination of already existing karmas and experiences from the Brahman reservoir and their individual constitution is made in such a way, that each of those newly created individuals are perfectly compatible with the universal mind which is imagining them according to its karma, For those individuals where such combination is not immediately available, maybe only they are created freshly without any karma. Maybe because the newly created individuals in this manner are not entirely uniquely their own selves as they previously were, it is for this reason that it may have been said that: once merged, its finished. It may also be possible that some or all of these merged entities when there is a compatible universe exists, each of these entire entities is brought back with the same configuration. And as such experience themselves as same persons they were before in one of their previous incarnations. The above cases makes sense because it is said that by doing samyama any information can be retrieved that one wishes to retrieve. It would only be possible if all the information is stored permanently somewhere. It is also possible that only information is permanent and not the individuals themselves with all their karmic configurations. Above all, it is also highly possible that each of these cases is possible in some versions of cultural realities whose cultures imagine realities in such different manners mentioned above. Absolutely anything seems to be possible(Both Possibility as well as Impossibility). In order to get proper understanding of reality, you have to read both of these books completely: (Even then you may not understand everything, But will definitely improve your knowledge) Please read this book(Yoga Vasishta) without skipping anything: https://estudantedavedanta.net/The-Supreme-Yoga-Swami-Venkatesananda.pdf Death - An Inside Story: A book for all those who shall die Book by Sadhguru: https://www.google.com/books/edition/Death_An_Inside_Story/ydzQDwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover

The panic attacks could be from some kind of unresolved trauma. This trauma can be as something some people may consider minor like being alone as a child or getting betrayed to something more intense like abuse or witnessing something horrific. The meditation can be taking you into these places, the places you may be too scared to go into at this stage in your life. If you are not ready to confront these parts of you then just put it off aside until you are ready. My personal opinion on this is, you are never really ready so you mind as well confront it even if it frightens you. The repercussions if you don't is, time may amplify your shadows and if you get into a relationship if you are not in one already or develop a successful career, the things you put in your closet will exploit those parts of you and you will be forced to confront them. In extreme situations when life smacks people in the face this way is, they either rise up from it or commit suicide.

After a recent egobacklash I left my Job, and now I am struggling to find another. I am running out of money and about do go into a lot of debt. Despite taking the life purpose course... maybe the life purpose course even makes things worse because I actually thought maybe life was improving for the better. I felt like I could actually go out and do things. But, people scare me, I don't have a degree and I am feeling both worthless and overwhelmed by the world. I feel like I have something to offer but also I feel so weak and useless compared to the complexities of reality. I keep falling into this suicidal victim hood place, overwhelmed by potential paths, each one seems impossible. I find myself almost praying that God will help me out of this. But, that doesn't seem to be how reality works. I want to kill myself in hopes I can create a whole new experience away from all the corruption, rent, money, and annoying complexities of human existance. I don't have a Job yet, I don't want to be a cashier I would rather kill myself. I was on a great career path and I threw it all away. I would love to be a proessional musician, but thats not going to ever be a reality. When do I know that there just isn't anything here for me in this life? I don't feel loved or lovable, or capable of doing great things. The idea of being mediocre and doing this super repetitive day night day night, 9-5 cycle makes me want to kill myself. There doesn't seem to be a way out of this. Everything is too hard. I feel alienated and disinterested in secular existence, I am burning with resentment a of the time about ex-relationships, my family is full of victims and toxicity and addiction. I don't know. I feel up and down, maybe I will make it through. But, suicide is on my mind more often than I would like to admit. I don't think people are supposed to live this way. It's like everyone is stupid, but everyone is also smarter than me. I don't know... What is my purpose? God?? am I wasting my time??

If I ever die either by suicide or accident, that person will be responsible for it.

@Kiko That is mastery my man. What a breakthrough. Keep going, and keep letting go of what doesn’t resonate. Never give up. You Will win with this, period. Nothing less will do. I completely absolutely believe in you. You’re right on. You distanced from the love you are, and are therefore trying to get it from others, and finding this doesn’t pan out. What ultimately works is releasing the misunderstanding & emotion suppressed. Your bravely & willingness to address this, your determination not to settle - very impressive. That’s the God within. That’s Love. You are what GOOD is. Absolutely. Unarguable. Undeniable. This is why those beliefs about yourself do not feel good. The beliefs are about you not being Good. And you are Good. So some beliefs, like those, will never jive. Expression is key. Recognize how you feel and express it thoroughly. Google how to use the emotional scale if you want to do some healing, expressing, & understanding work. Avoidance of this is the thoughts of suicide, negative thoughts about yourself, that the past defines you, that you are the body, etc. These are all the mind trying to make some sense of the suppression of feeling. Let the thoughts come & go, keep relaxing the body head to toe over & over, keep returning focus to relaxed breathing from the stomach. All of the suppression will unsuppress, it will indeed suck to experience, but it will leave the body for good and you will experience clarity, insight & understanding at a level you never thought possible. All of it. It is the grabbing onto thought stories about me, past, future, others, which suppresses & prevents release & expression. Nobody processes your karma for you but Love. When you’re ready, love washes it all out. Likewise, what he did is his karma. It’s his demon to bare, not yours. It’s not your fault. It is absolutely no reflection of you. It says nothing about who you really are. Nothing. Visit a therapist. Don’t size it up without even experiencing it. Go there and dump every bit of the emotion you’ve been carrying on em. Empty both barrels. “Wash yourself of yourself”. Shed that skin of old and leave it on their floor. There are lots of people too afraid to inspect and release like you are. So after you clear out and come to know this love, considering sharing it, so others can be encouraged and know ourself too. God bless. Wishing you love & healing. Very impressed with your work In such a short time. You might be spiritually gifted, and sensitive. Lucky in that regard. ??

Just imagine, if everyone starts to be very authentic in expressing to us, with every interaction with us how they feel about us, we'd commit suicide, believe me. Absolute authenticity in dealing with everything will make the World a living hell. It is a good thing that humans know how to deal with the world with proper discretion. Thus, the default nice mode when dealing with strangers. You don't go to an ugly person and say you are ugly. But, authenticity is an absolute necessity with one's own self for the sake of one's own improvement. If you keep justifying all the wrong things that you do without admitting to yourself that you do have behavioral patterns and habits which are not healthy, then there's no possibility for improvement.

August 28, 2020 Today I had a doctor appt at 8:40. We discussed everything I wrote down on my list. This was sleeping problems, racing thoughts, the bloody noses subsided, occasionally my thoughts would spiral into suicide, and a couple of other things. I felt pretty tense while explaining these things and I had not talked to anyone else about this stuff. The trigger for the deadly thoughts was the fight with my family. I also told him that most of my racing thoughts are concerning God. He gave me one more prescription to see if it helps the racing thoughts. He also gave me a list of alternative sources in psychology that helps anxiety. He could see that I was open to it and I have already been studying emotional mastery with success. My sleep patterns have improved, but my doctor thinks that my mind may be acting this way in part because of autism. This makes it hard to focus on school and I remember some times when I laughed at a stray thought during class and my teachers called me out. I also mentioned how I beat my dad without looking at the board in chess, so I can focus when I'm interested. After the appointment I finished more audio books that help me with self acceptance and emotional stability. I think this is helpful and I noticed that books about emotions give me the most benefits immediately. I also continued with the life purpose course and checked out the videos on anxiety. I have some fears concerning modern medicine because I worry that medications are addicting, I don't know if they will work or not, and modern medicine usually avoids alternative medicines which could work. doctors also get caught up in capitalistic medication which can be dangerous for patients. I decided to keep an open mind and see if the medicine works or not. For the rest of the day I did a lot of self observation. I watched my emotions and thoughts fluctuate as my hidden shoulds surfaced. I let them go to reduce stress. This leads to more emotional stability from which I can focus and achieve the goals I want. If anxiety does book up it could be an opportunity for growth as I did in my chess tournaments. In this case the boost in adrenaline made me much more powerful. Good luck. I don't know what love is.

He had already killed two people, those people following him are actually being heroic and trying to stop him from killing even more people. They have no arms, he has a rifle, they’re trying to stop him, it’s a suicide mission.

I had severe heavy metal poisoning for about 5 years without knowing it thinking it was just the way I was. I entered hell for about 5 years with no end in sight. I saw many specialists but all of them were clueless until i figured it out for myself recently. The pain was verging on 10/10 and i considered suicide multiple times but I eventually made it through and now I'm healthy again thanks to my persistence and not to try to gloat but ingenuity. I'm just glad I took the initiative in the end, it saved me my life.

So I'm 19 and I have only been in two different relationships. This is because I met the girl I am with now since I was in 7th grade (She was a year below me). We were just friends probably the first year of knowing each other before we ended up "dating". She has always had a hard life, I remember walking to her house from my friends house around this time and she lived in a four bedroom house with her grandmother, four brothers, two sisters, and her uncle and his son (both adults paying no bills). After awhile of being on again off again being kids, I'd say around 9th grade, we got in a more serious relationship (no games being played, no talking to other people, etc.) This was a fun time, I was working a lot after school and on the weekends and I was able to get dropped off at her house after work to see her a lot more then my mom would drive me (since my mom always had to go both ways she never had a ride). More backstory on her before I move on because it gets a bit ridiculous, her mom and dad have always been in and out of her life, her dad was a drug addict and her mom was an alcoholic and they would always do good together till they fucked up together. They have been broken up as long as I have known her now, her dad is remarried with a very successful (and narcissistic) women. Her grandmother has always taken care of her and all her siblings (a few siblings living elsewhere). Her grandmother was old and sick though, eventually she died in 2017. Then less then a year later her step sister attempted suicide, was in the hospital for a month and then died. This stuff was obviously very hard for her and I made sure to do the best I could to help her every step of the way. When her grandmother died her dad and stepmom showed up to take them all to live with them in PA. Anyone could have guessed it wasn’t going to last, bringing in six kids and they already had two of their own. Eventually her stepmom got to a point where she was so mad at her dad that she kicked him and all his kids out. This meant they all had to find different places to go so they didn’t end up in the system, which also meant she was coming to live with me around the middle of 2018. I have too admit this terrified me at first. I had three brothers and a dysfunctional mom and step dad at the time who always had money problems. This was when I was in 12th grade, just started doing co - op at school which meant I worked for an electrical company for two weeks and went to school for two weeks all year. I was always a saver, bought myself my first car at 16 knowing nobody was gonna do it for me. I am an apprentice now for the same residential electric company making 15$ an hour and going into my 3rd year of school this year for that (I got to skip the first year because I took it in high school). So anyway, I was terrified of her moving in just because we are so young and that's such a big step for a relationship, it's not like we had an extra bedroom for her either. I hated her being there for awhile, but eventually I got over it and made the most out of it. She got a job at a restaurant down the street from my house shortly after moving in, bought her own car and is still working there today. We have gotten really close and I am definitely in love with her, she is my best friend no doubt. Around about a year of her living with me, her mom passed away from drinking too much after taking pain medication. Her mom was getting her life together and building a good relationship with her awhile before this, when she got hit by a car (this is why she fell back down again). So this hit rose hard, I think it's been over a year now and I don't think she has made much progress with how she feels about it. She has always had depression issues and I always accepted that about her because of her life and what she's been through. We don't really argue much, and when we have it was usually from me saying the wrong thing. I got into personal development around the middle of 12th grade, just reading books and making budgets and listening to Dave Ramsey thinking I was the shit, but still my goal was always just to better myself. Because of this eventually I found Leo. Leo was literally a gold mine in my eyes, exactly who I was looking for. This also lead me into the trap of binging all his content (which had lots of benefits too) and then projecting everything I learned onto other people. So when she would get upset about something, eventually I started spouting things at her that Leo said, that I thought might help. This always turned her being upset into her being mad at me and threatening to end the relationship because I wasn't giving her the love she needed and being a dick about her problems. About two months ago I had an LSD trip (yes I do them safely) where I learned a lot about happiness and love. I basically taught myself what happiness really is, and that if I want to truly be loving I have to love everyone regardless of who they are or how I feel about them. I had the phrase "love everyone" come up in my mind all day for about two weeks after that. This helped me to see through my ego a bit the next time we argued and I realized what I was doing wrong and decided that no matter how many times she tells me I need to give her more love, to just accept it and do it. I believe this has ended the cycle of arguing, but not her being upset. Now she seems to be getting worse with her depression. She isn't like this all the time, we actually talk about it together like it’s a state that she gets to. But if you asked her when she's in this "state" she would say she's in it all the time and it is still there whenever she is feeling good (like laughing with me hanging out or having a good day at work). She says she has a huge struggle to get herself to do anything at all even though she hardly misses a day at work, she's about to start college this year and she does meal prep with me every Sunday. She doesn't seem to be interested in personal development, when I talk about her doing something like reading a book I think would help her or watching Leo she'll say, "I'm trying but you know this is really hard for me" or "I am doing it but I can't stay consistent because of my depression". She has done a couple things towards it like taking notes about habits and motivation, but not much towards putting it into action. We both vape, I quit about 6 months ago for 4 months and then I backslid a lot when my mom and stepdad split up. I also smoke weed a good bit, but she will only smoke before bed some nights. She's into spiritual stuff, she will meditate with me if I do it when she's around, but wont bring it up on her own, she understands a lot of what I talk about with her but doesn't see the practicality of it even though I've explained countless times how so much of it has helped me and my own mental space. We still live at my moms house with my brothers, trying to get through the hard parts of live to eventually buy a house. This state she gets into can last for a week or two sometimes, her happier states being much shorter. School just started and she's already super overwhelmed with it and wants to quit, she goes back and forth on her happiness with her job, the love I give her is now shunned at times when she is feeling worse. She describes her head space as something that nothing can help, and as time goes on less and less things seem to help (even me). She can't control it, she feels so anxious that her thoughts are racing. She has been to therapy a few times before when she was younger and she says that it is not for her, she hates the idea of it. It seems to me like this anxiety stops her from pushing forward so many of her ambitious goals and causes so much fear. She hates driving long distances because of it, she spent her last year of high school doing it online because she was so anxious there everyday, I don’t even think she would keep the room clean at all if I didn't expect her to keep it certain way (clean freak). Anyway I guess my question is what should I do? The last thing I want to hear is to break up with her for my own sake or something like that…. I really want her to get through this, she is a great person and when she is not in this negative state she is my favorite person to be around. She say's her thoughts are so negative she wont even share a lot of them out loud and tells me she wants to die frequently when she's in this state. I don't believe she takes it serious enough to actually try something, but I'm scared that’s where it is heading.

Not in the same way and they suffer less which is already a good reason to pursue it. It's more like metta okayness and peace than happiness. If we take identical twins and one is enlightened and one not, both are suicidally depressed and eventually both commit suicide, I would still much rather be the enlightened one in the prosses

Its perfectly normal to feel this way. Anybody without witnessing anything directly will always have some resistance towards it. I also remember how I used to be. You are in a certain state of mind right now. In your current condition any reference to any story which was recorded in some book or by witness accounts will not satisfy you right now. Because you are looking for indisputable evidence for them and we have no readily available evidence except for said stories and witness reports. Even if some how if you get to witness such an event, your mind will explain it away by using some biased logical argumentation. What I would suggest for you instead is to first do some research and learn about THOSE things which we DO have Some/Substantial evidence for(but still most of the population do not know and consider it to be unreal). Once you get exposed to a few of such experiences of knowing about things which seem impossible, but are very much true will open up your mind for further possibilities and your mind will find it easy to digest those other possibilities afterwards. You coming to this forum putting forth such questions is the first step. Congratulations on that. Things you can research(Some resources linked): To search CIA research documents and articles on "ESP", "Psychic", "Remote Viewing", "UFO" etc., Go to this CIA Webpage https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/search/site/ and search for those keywords, you'll get many results. Clicking on them will take you to the particular article or research document's page, from where you can download the pdf file, which is usually numbered something like this: "cia-rdp96-00792r000300070001-7.pdf" under the title "Attachment". From CIA public release documents: CIA's Gateway Process - (Please read the whole report if possible - A must read for this forum members): Old Yogic States of Conciousness with Siddhi type powers like reading past, future and OBEs using Modern Methods of Hemi Sync Tapes / Binaural Beats, etc. In my opinion the assessor had to bullshit his way through some of the stuff by replacing the old paradigms with made up scientific concepts and names to please the concerned people so that it doesn't get rejected by getting a stigma of an occult phenomena, which is evident from what he himself says at the end of the first paragraph itself. ANALYSIS AND ASSESSMENT OF GATEWAY PROCESS https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00788r001700210016-5 1 - Psychic Phenomena: AN ASSESSMENT OF THE EVIDENCE FOR PSYCHIC FUNCTIONING (Read the conclusions on page 20 & 21) https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00791r000200070001-9 STUDY OF SOME ESP TESTING METHODS AND THEIR VALIDITY (Read Conclusion on page 21) https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00792r000300070001-7 U.S. SPACE ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL REVIEWS TELEPATHIC PHENOMENA AS ENERGY TRANSFER https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/nsa-rdp96x00790r000100040002-2 PROPOSAL FOR AND INITIAL SPECIFICATIONS OF PROJECT SUN STREAK BIBLIOGRAPHIC DATABASE(Project to catalogue all sorts of phychic phenomena from ESP, OBE, REINCARNATION, etc. etc.. Published by anyone) https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00789r003700720001-2 CIA's Interest in CHINA`S PSYCHIC CHILDREN: https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00792r000300420017-1 CIA's Interest in OBE(Out Of Body Experiences): EXCEPTIONAL HUMAN EXPERIENCE, OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCES https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00792r000700350009-4 2 - UFO Reports: (Says on top, many of them are unsubstantiated - suggesting some are substantial) https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/collection/ufos-fact-or-fiction I personally don't believe that any disclosure from top government is going to happen. Because I have seen the same kind of situations before. Nothing came out of it. But, if such a thing ever has to happen, Mr.Donald Trump is the only one unpredictable enough to do such a thing. Finger's crossed. It is also possible all UFO phenomenon might just be a terrestrial secret government projects with UFO nonsense to coverup such projects. I personally think there is some credibility to UFO Reports(But, still open minded about my beliefs being false), because of sheer amounts of cases and openly shared case files from other countries as well as too many people from CIA, NSA and Defence as well as NASA and other similar employees and contractors openly testified about them in "Disclosure Project" by Steven Green . But, nothing came out of it. That's why I'm skeptical about disclosure. Recent Pentagon admittance of UFOs(They are not saying they are aliens - But couldn't explain them): Disclosure Project by Steven Greer: Citizen Hearing on Disclosure before retired congress members: Probably bullshitting because of election. But anyway here it is: There are also many documentaries on UFOs on youtube as well. Occult Chemistry By Annie Besant and Charles Leadbeater - 3rd edition SINNETT (1919):(Theosophical Society from Adyar, South India) https://www.researchgate.net/publication/339298637_Occult_Chemistry_By_Annie_Besant_and_Charles_Leadbeater_-_3rd_edition_SINNETT_1919 (Dowload the PDF full text) https://www.globalgreyebooks.com/ebooks/annie-besant/occult-chemistry/occult-chemistry.pdf HTML Version Online: http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16058/16058-h/16058-h.htm Look closely, same Atom model in Occult Chemistry work is shown as Torus in CIA's Project Gateway Process: For reincarnation and near death experiences, there are many documentaries on youtube. 3 - Reincarnation Research: https://med.virginia.edu/perceptual-studies/our-research/children-who-report-memories-of-previous-lives/ Academic Publications: https://med.virginia.edu/perceptual-studies/publications/academic-publications/children-who-remember-previous-lives-academic-publications/ Reincarnation deniers couldn't give proper explanation as to how in some cases, the birth marks and birth defects of a person remembering their past lives correspond exactly to the traumatic injuries of their previous birth. 4 - Near Death Experiences(NDE): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6172100/ (Read the conclusion) https://med.virginia.edu/perceptual-studies/our-research/near-death-experiences-ndes/ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/new-clues-found-in-understanding-near-death-experiences/ (Drugs also cause NDE like Experiences - which is well known in this forum) Convieniently when people explain away the NDE's they use examples like above scientificamerican article to do so. But, they never explain about those cases where the person was able to accurately recall details about other events that happen from quite a distance from where their physical body is. CIA's Interest in Near Death Experiences: BASTERFIELD, KEITH. NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES: AN AUSTRALIAN SURVEY https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00792r000700920001-9 LIFE AFTER DEATH https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00787r000200080041-9 Self Immolation of buddhist monk (Copy & fix the links by removing the spaces) He said to have not uttered a word or moved. The jerky movements of his hands and legs you can see after he falls I think is due to involuntary muscle contractions due to heat and melting of body tissue. https: // www. youtube. com/watch?v=ZwQTsCiguHc&bpctr=1598354602 Contrast to that, see this video where two people shout, run and roll down in pain: https: // www. youtube. com/watch?v=tndFEn5WZrI The Fire Yogi (Doesn't seem to have full control, covers his body with thick cloth): Buddha Boy: Prahlad jani - Fasting without food & water for several decades: Kundalini Yoga / Kundalini Awakening: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5433116/ (Case for kundalini yoga being real. But, useless for the extent we want to understand it) Research for reduction of stress levels by doing kundalini yoga. You can read the conclusion if you do not want to read the entire thing(Its hard to understand anyway). Research Proposal: https://icrcanada.org/research/memorandum https://icrcanada.org/research/literaryresearch One of the oldest Kundalini community website: https://www.kundalini-gateway.org/klist/index.html Unfortunately the founder of the above website El Collie committed suicide. I don't know whether she did that not being able to cope with extreme kundalini symptoms or with the intention to get permanent liberation. People claim it is the former. But, who knows!. For Kundalini Awakening and the effects it Causes, Search youtube, with keywords: "Shaktipat" "Kundalini Awakening Experience" Video for understanding: In the above video, since the blue shirt person is the one doing the shaktipat(Energy Transmission). He being the source, the people in whom the energy is activated becomes intoxicated and wants to go and merge into the source and become one with it. It's feels almost involuntary but you do have some control. Not everyone reacts the same way though. The way they behave depends on their acquired samskaras and Vasanas (Tendencies and conditioning). Dynamo Jack: The energy in this video what they call as chi is what is called as Kundalini in Vedic terms. This energy is being used in this video for healing, or heating things. The same energy when passes through the Sushumna Nadi(Central invisible channel in the body) and reaches top of the crown at the Brahma randhra causes Enlightenment/Liberation. When this kundalini rises with in the body, it causes too much heat within the body, which sometimes is very uncomfortable. Sometimes it also rises with cooling effect. Generally it rises. But, in some people it descends too. Kundalini is not a fairy tale because I experienced it directly, which was like a volcanic eruption inside my body with heat filling up my whole body. Also causing violent swirls in different directions feeling like my whole being is swirling round and round for a while. There were other symptoms as well. It was a bit of a scary experience. It also causes involuntary bodily movements called kriyas. We all know the equation E=mc squared which means energy equals mass. When nuclear explosion happens, the small ball of uranium or plutonium of around 5 - 10 cms turns into enormous amounts of energy. Similarly I believe when enormous amount of energy is concentrated in a single spot and stabilised will create solid matter. This can be understood from the fact that when gas is compressed, it turns into liquid, when compressed further turns into solid. But, in order to do so, it requires enormous amounts of pressure. From my understanding, I think when enormous amounts of this energy is directed and focused with an intention to turn it into an object will create that object. For E,g: Babies doesn't even have the bodily nerve and muscle configuration necessary to speak their first word. But, they start only with the intention first to say the word. The very intention when exercised again and again by directing it into physical activity creates the necessary muscular and neuronal structure necessary to produce that exact word. Which later they learn to produce all other words with the same method. Similarly, may be this energy when directed with intention may produce desired effect in the world creating the object. Just look around the world, all the big buildings to cities to bridges to space rockets to nuclear weapons to everything else man has produced. All of them he created in his mind first, which later directed by physical activity, has manifested into reality. As for the credibility of these phenomena posted above, some of them or many of them might be not what they seem to be. But, to reject all of them as fake without digging deep into their truth would be crazy. As for manifesting actual stuff into reality, generally yogis do not create stuff, its much harder. They simply move things from one place to another. Lets say you ask for an apple, they'd simply steal it from a market or an orchard: sort of like teleportation. But, just as a sample, like somebody mentioned here already, there is a story in Autobiography of a yogi which says a master had created a whole palace studded with gems by combining the ambient air or something. There are many such stories in that same book. Through out history there are way too many such reports, to reject all of them as false may not be wise. There are thousands of such books describing thousands of such accounts. Probably not all of them are true, nor are all of them false. Keeping an open mind is helpful. But, at the same time not too open that you believe anything and everything.

Another gloomy picture that I now got is that suicide may be the ego's subconscious becoming so scared of death that it takes its own life in order to get the horrible feeling over with. The ego is a control freak when it comes to its own protection and survival. And what is the firm belief in inevitable physical death? That's total lack of control for the ego! And it's a lack of control over precisely that which it wants protection from, namely death. ACIM says that the ego raises control instead sanity to preeminence. Something along that line. What it means is that the ego's belief in personal control is insanity. And indeed, if life is automatic, then the idea of personal control is false. And suffering is then a tool for evolution to move out of the belief in separate control. The sense of free will is a necessary stage of development, yet if it's a false sense, then we need to grow out of it.

After awakening, schizophrenic thoughts raise up, i realize them and watch them. I am the schizophrenia, as much as it increases, awakening becomes more more more more more more. Love love love. No self, no self, no self. freedom, freedom, freedom. Nothingness, nothingness and nothingness. but if you take schizophrenic feeling as personal and hold on them, such as you are a person and having schizophrenia, you might suicide. Be very very very very careful.

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks for the kind words. Suicidal thoughts have been increasing over the past few days. Not sure if it's related to the lamotrigine, i'm still at a very low dosage, but it's something that concerns me. I found myself looking at a chandelier in my house while trying to do some yoga, and then I thought about hanging myself from it. The thoughts usually come as a sign of me giving up. Like when I think of my classmates and friends succeeding in life, and compare it to where i'm at in life, thoughts of suicide arise as a sort of solution to the problem. No mind/no self no problem i guess. I have started isolating myself more and more, and my family is getting more concerned and worried. In the short term, over the next month or so, i don't see too much changing. The meds won't start working for a month, and it feels like i'm mentally paralyzed. I feel like a helpless child. I have to make a change. There's a meditation retreat that offers retreats for up to 3 months, but i don't know if i could do a retreat in my current state. And i've read that retreats are hesitant to offer spots to people with mental health disorders, and given my recent diagnosis they would be right to be skeptical about me taking part in a retreat. I have a tendency to engage in splitting. I view the world in black and white terms. So when I think about taking steps forward in life, i thinik of other people who i view as successful and good, and i realize that i'm not going to be one of those people so what's the point of trying. There are adults at 24, who are responsible, pay bills, work, have deep relationships etc. And i'm basically 12. And because i don't see a path to being a well-adjusted 24 year old, i keep myself paralyzed. I wonder what my life will be like in 5, 10, 15 years. Past predicts future, and i've struggled with the same issues for years now. Even if i manage to improve and feel better, i've had 2 mental breakdowns now in my life, this may become a trend. Every few years just a complete breakdown. I wonder if after this life is over, i'll be able to live another life with all the experiences i have now from this one. So i have a taste of misery now, and maybe my next life i'll come back as a well-adjusted happy human being. Or some other race of beings who knows.

Sunday August 23rd, 21:48 There's some "NO!" within me, fighting the way I feel, even having made me consider suicide. But at the same time I feel this "NO" is something artificial, something that is not true to me. I feel exactly that right now if I'm just able to drop this "NO!", life right now will be completely fine. I don't necessarily feel bad right now, but there is this resistance, but yet I am aware that this resistance is not truly me, yet it's pervasive, yet at the same time I really just feel like I'm one inch away from being peaceful right now. I wonder where this "NO!" came from. It's not really... authentic. I actually don't feel like I need to do the opposite, which would be fighting for life or to stay alive. It's not an aggressive Arnold Schwarzenegger "YES!" that's required to come to peace, but more like a simple, easy kind of "yes". It's a "yes" with a playful kind of attitude, a "yes" that does not consider whatever experience happens to be there as undesirable. It's funny how I realize this, yet I can not as of right now embody that kind of attitude, yet I know I'm literally just one step away. I'm also becoming more aware of the way I create my reality by my own beliefs, how powerful your own expectation of how something is going to be actually creates your reality. Sometimes I forget that truth, and sometimes it's very clear.

Beware that the power of letting go must be aknowledged and appreciated. By the way, who says that if you don't chase enlightenment you lost in life? Who says that it's the best goal to persue? Of course im not talking about letting go of goals, life purpose, and aspirations. Pain, when it comes to this, if managed and not severely extreme that takes you to suicide, can be great so later on you can live a good life. You start you life shitty as hell but in the end you conquer it like most people don't.

@Harmony342 How come Americans and English people seem to hate office jobs? I have been working in 3 different offices, two of them very large, and I have never met a person who was having a bad day. In American shows everyone is always tired in an office, and they look like they are contemplating suicide. Is it not a big enough dream to do relatively relaxing work in an office?

@WHO IS well there is suicide, but there is much safer methods as well such as psyhadelics, if you go in the trip with the dying wish the dream shall be revealed to you, and that state it doesn't matter if you are in the God mode or human mode since all time disappears.

@Harmony342 Regarding this topic the movie "memento" fascinated me. Specially the real meaning of the story. The guy has a severe memory condition. Normally one would think about suicide. Leading such a life seems to be quite meaningless because of that the guy tricked himself to give himself a meaning. It's a fake meaning but because he can't remember that it's fake he thinks it is real. That way he keeps himself alife. How would you deal with it?

Will it be really bad if I commit suicide? I cant go on anymore. Will it harm my karma, reincarnation? May be these are all bullshit.