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I am completely clouded by my emotions. My partner has complained about how I don't fully listen, and how I react emotionally when they try to speak objectively with me. This, although not at all a big deal, has been incredibly difficult, and has felt almost impossible for me to accept. I continue to deny and say, "that's not me", or cry profusely when they bring it up or get frustrated. This has a deeper meaning to my ego, as my partner has compared the behavior to his mother, which has lead him to wanting to commit suicide. Although he's admitted I am not to that extremity, it feels almost impossible for me to accept this criticism without an emotional reaction. I want to be nothing like his mother, however, the more emotionally attached I get, the less objective I become, therefore I play more into the behavior he despises. It also cycles back as it makes me incredibly worried when talking to him, (for fear of me not paying attention happening again) further clouding my head and making it more difficult to pay attention. I am also extremely attached to the beginning of our relationship, which he cites as me never behaving in this way before, and was actually one of the reasons we bonded in the first place (he enjoyed my objectivity, logical thinking, detachment from emotions clouding my thoughts, and how easy it was to talk and reason to me). This, ironically, makes me cry even more - as I feel I've completely lost that part of me, or he'll never see me in that light again. Or even worse, even if I do change the behavior, he'll always see me as an emotional wreck who can't handle objective conversation. I've brought up these concerns with him before, and he has stated that the more I repeat the positive behavior (listening more, not crying), the faster it'll all go away. He always reaffirms with me that I can fix this behavior, that it can all be a memory and won't impact my current character. But, this has been hard for my ego to believe - it always wants to tell me that I'm inadequate, not enough, and I've completely ruined everything. And I believe it. I'm just struggling with what exactly I need to do to stop this behavior. I was locked in my home with my very emotional, anxiety-run family for 6 months (they feared covid-19 to the point of self-quarantine), 2 months ago, I left to live with my father, out of being driven to near insanity. We both believe this lowered my IQ substantially, and made me way more emotional and irrational. Now, I'm still having trouble thinking clearly, or even narrowing down what exactly is bothering me. It feels my thoughts are behind a dim cloud. My rational feels completely obliterated, and I'm having trouble accepting this situation without attaching it to "you make him suicidal, you're too stupid to talk to, you've completely ruined everything.." etc. I can't accept the situation logically, without destroying myself and making myself miserable in the process. I compare myself to his ex's, to my past self, I think of false positives like "if I wear this shirt, I'll be more like my past self". I'm completely illogical. Even if I start to work on it, my mind will tell me "his ex never had to do this, you're so pathetic, he'll never love you like he loved her". If anyone has any tips on this, I would be really happy to hear. This behavior and cycle has been going on for about a year, and I'm sick of it. It's been making both of us miserable. I just really want to be able to accept that I'm a person who has made him miserable, without attaching it to feelings of inadequacy, never being enough, and always being stained by this past. Thank you so much.

@Shyamal My heart goes out to you, I’m sorry for your loss. Suicide is a haunting thing. It leaves all parties with darkness. You wonder what they must have thought, what you could have done, what if’s about it all. Thank you for putting your energy into this. Speaking from my own experiences I believe depression comes in many levels. From sadness to fear, to hopelessness and destruction. And after having been depressed for most of my life, I’ve come to find peace in the darkness that others see as a hopeless abyss. This year has been so hard for many. I have found myself in a place where I can burst out in ecstatic joy and crawling back into my wicked thoughts from moment to moment. So what do you say to those that have found darkness to be their home? One has to find meaning, discover a purpose, some reason why you have to continue to breathe. And with something greater to live for, one can move beyond the self. But it’s so much harder than that. Because today’s world has become so unnatural and toxic. A lot of people are dead before they die. Questions for you. What is the number one thing that is missing in your life? What can you do right now that would give you joy? What do you Love about yourself? Where do you want to be in 1 year? What is a dream you want to have? What is keeping you back? What is your purpose here on Earth? ?❤️ thank you

I'm sorry that you lost a friend to suicide. I admire your intention to help other people in similar situations. The idea of suicide originates from three factors: I'm in pain. I'm alone. And I see no end to it. I think that the significance of a community is for people to talk about it openly. Suicidal people believe they are the only ones who think about it. If they know how many people are struggling with doors closed, the suicidal thoughts would drop instantly. People won't be killed by suffering. People are killed by suffering alone. Another thing is that addressing too much on positivity may not help. For me, positivity was repulsive when I felt hopeless. What truly helps is negativity met with compassion, knowledge, stories, and awareness. I'd also like to share with you Teal Swan's insights on suicide: With all of such good intentions, we still can't prevent suicide by 100 percent. But it's worth the effort. Thank you for your leadership and bravery. Wish you all the best!

Downward Spiral TW: Suicide Lately I have been struggling with suicidal ideation. I am constantly in a state where I don't feel stable or safe and sometimes I wonder if life is still worth living if this is my default. I don't have anyone to talk to which is why my entries are always as long as they are. I don't have anyone to share what I'm going through. It's always been one thing after another. Every time I get to a point where I can live my best life, something else hits me and completely blind sides me. Maybe this is the myopia of negativity. It's like that one Uncle Iroh quote that goes along the lines of "If you look for the light you will eventually find it but if you look for the dark, that's all you'll ever see." Academically, I understand everything that is going on in my classes. But when I sit down to actually do my work, I am completely lost. Idk what's happening to me. I can't help but feel that there is something wrong with my brain. After analyzing this, I think this is a case where the map is not the territory. I understand the theory and how it's supposed to play out but I fail at the implementation. You can't learn math by watching people doing math I guess. Another thing that is important to take into consideration is that it's October. 5 years ago I had a suicide attempt very close to my birthday and ever since then I get into this somewhat depressed mood. I'm already not in the most stable circumstance because it is 2020, the world and everything around me is in a very volatile place, so adding depression and academic issues to the mix makes things 100x worse. On top of that I'm pretty sure that there are some hormonal things going on. I haven't had my period in 3 months. I don't know what that's about but I wouldn't be surprised if it had a great impact on my mood inclinations. All of this is basically adding up to me wanting actually jump off a bridge because I feel super hopeless about life. I just want to return to the state of joy that I was in when I first started this journal.

True. Censoring them is turning them into martyrs for free though, without them even needing the suicide vests.

This. Important. You can't debate cancers of the mind any more than you can debate a guy in a suicide vest.

You can't debate cancers of the mind any more than you can debate a guy in a suicide vest.

Opinions?

stop making immature assumptions. That's not what i was eluding to. From what i've learned, mercury is actually a conductor, and there are lots of dangrous heavy metals, i've done a some pulling myself. I don't support any protocols that don't require chemical transitions and hydrating the state of the body to support the healing process. I don't like this pointless video because it doesn't offer much useful information/knowledge other than, don't fuck around with detoxing heavy metals on your own watch. Why is there no aftermath valuable information/knowledge available? It creates more questions/fear for people than anything. The dude placed little value on the diet he was eating and this is huge. I have no doubt if he would have drank all that urine he was pissing out, he'd be alive. It's not about the heavy metals or suicide, it is the fact that he doesn't speak about anything of much relevance, the only focus is on his story, and i don't buy it. Detoxing heavy metals is a process that requires total body cleansing just to support the rigorous task of such dangerous stuff. I will never forget my first fast, i went through a three day transition, using too many herbs to pull out metals and when i caved on my eating habits, i ended up in the hospital due to too much shit in the blood affecting the brain.

All experiences are true. There are no "more true" experience. Non Duality and Duality are the same. This is bigger than duality and non duality. All searches are "traps" . Speaking with angels and demons, experiencing kundalini, suicide and morning shit in the toilet are the same. wow. I did not expect it to be like this AT ALL. Right here. Always here. wow. shit! Absolutely nothing changed. Ego death experience and experience with full ego are the same.

October 7, 2020 For the most part this day was a similar pattern. The only major differences were that I shaved my beard and played some Tetris. I typed a day in the book. I am grateful that the bet I made with my grandma is keeping me up on the book so I don't forget. I have a long way to go and it is slow progress. At least I have made a good set up to ensure that progress is happening. I continued the meditation habit before going into work today. I want to handle my inner laughter from a more mature stand point. I don't want to actively create more suffering which includes the suicide game. Usually I say it simply isn't true. If I want to become a more conscious human being, then I don't want to play these games. I want to find the best way to carry myself. I can't imagine how much better my life would be if I never actively created any of my suffering. It would be peaceful, but I would enable myself to make a more powerful impact on the world. Inner mastery thus leads to outer mastery., I did not continue the life purpose course today. I still need to make sure I am doing well in this front. I am making interesting progress, but I am not done. Continue your process and build yourself anew.

how so? I haven't watched the full video but I doubt heavy metals were the sole reason the guy committed suicide. They probably made his emotional problems worse though.

Precisely because that's the missing piece for you. If I was talking to a PUA, I might emphisize the mutual love part. But since I am talking to a love-bird, I emphasize the opposite. Of course! Lol What father would let his daughter marry a homeless man??? Lol Maybe you should become the nun of sexual healing. Saving Incels from suicide with your jay. Preety, the Saint of Sexual Charity, with her team of sisters

@Vipassana Why don’t you analyze the situation of farmers and working class people in India or the rape that recently happened or the countless times human rights are being violated by the government? Bollywood actor’s suicide < billions of poor people.

ignoring the various dogmas in the video I thought this poem was very motivational and made a lot of sense. I’ve been thinking a lot on ego development and realized that it may be possible to skip multiple stages simply by being in solitude as our egos develop relative to the world. for my own personal experience I skipped a couple stages due to a very strong existential Crisis that brought me to suicide. So I know it’s possible for others.( but hopefully in a less painful way) although if you skip stages it may take you sometime to reorient yourself. I know for myself I spent a very long time regressing and coming back simply because I didn’t know what to think of my new differences within my consciousness. It also isn’t helpful when our society is not very supportive of these higher strategist, and, Construct and, unitive stages. You can begin to doubt and question yourself, and even begin to think you’re simply arrogant or crazy as you try to express things to others in your life. You want to communicate with them like you did before on the same level but you realize overtime there is a profound disconnect that doesn’t allow certain truths to be discussed. So it can take some time to even realize this. I know for myself I just thought it was a matter of explanation or maybe I myself was missing something, and as a result old defense mechanisms would come up, ego backlash from the stress of the disconnect, and loneness. Taking the leap from pluralist to strategist and onward can be very difficult while holding together relationships. It’s not to say that it can’t be done, but taking some time in solitude is probably valuable as you take the leap.

@Preety_India great analysis of the indian familial demographics. I don't have any objections about what you mentioned about the cultural because but I am living through it. I have invested some time and my family has invested alot of time analyzing the events that occured before, during and after the supposed suicide & now seeing how the mumbai police responded to it. This is the shame with labeling everything a conspiracy, the Truth can be turned upside down.. even if its just a kernel. I think the Truth will come out. Bollywood gundas have gotten away with alot of shit & people are tired of it. As far as what you said, that was quite a bit of projection but I cant prove you wrong. There is no way I can put together months of analysis in a single thread.

You need to understand a lot of things about Indian society. Indian society has a lot of toxic masculinity in it. Boys aren't raised properly or in a healthy way. They are raised as cash cows. Parents only care about how much money he will bring into the family. The father does not care about the son's issues. The mother is never allowed to speak her opinion so she simply obeys the father With Sush, he is the prime example of toxic masculinity. He was suffering from deep psychological issues that were inherited from his mother because she had similar issues and she died a similar way. Now Sush already suffered from the trauma of the mothers loss. But he was suffering as well. Most mental health patients don't suddenly commit suicide in their 20s, it takes time for them to reach the breaking point. It usually happens in mid 30s or mid 40s..that's when the mid life crisis hits and people with psychological issues can't deal with stress unlike normal people. Now in his case, his symptoms were getting worse and worse with time. His family is acting supportive because he is dead. But there was nobody with him at the time of his death. His medicines were not even delivered by his family but by a private agent. He relied on his girlfriend for support but she knew that his symptoms are gradually spiralling out of control.. She took him to a good doctor but his family still did nothing for him. His girlfriend was the only one who took him for hospital visits. His family is hiding all this because they don't want to look guilty. They want someone to blame to feel better. And Indians are too scared to talk about their own family. Sush had lot of money so even if he donated a huge sum, that wouldn't be a cause of his suicide. He was very generous with money. His main concern was his mental issues.. He knew that with such issues he can't continue working for long. Now because society is such a way that men are not allowed to cry. They are considered weak if they cry, this was the main problem with Sush. He as a man was not allowed to feel weak. He did not tell anyone about his issues out of shame and guilt. He did not have the confidence to seek help or tell people that he was anxious or depressed because people would call him a weak man and as a movie star he would lose his position if he appeared depressed, so he had to always put on a show that he was happy even if his symptoms were getting worse. With the doctor's treatment his issues were slightly improved for some time, but mental health issues are such, that symptoms are controlled only for some time and they tend to reappear. It's very hard to beat and being a public figure makes it tougher to get privacy and people with such issues need a ton of privacy, now in Indian society there is a huge stigma and shame for mental illness, combined with toxic masculinity where a man is not allowed to express weakness, this is double shame, plus the family always wants the son to keep making money and the pressure for success is very high in Indian families, so the boys don't want to disappoint the families, so triple shame. Now being a celebrity means he is supposed to be happy all the time, so a lot of public pressure and no peace of mind. And the fear of losing career if he tells his problems openly. And in India, the mental health resources are close to zero, you hardly find a good doctor and going to such a doctor is considered a very shameful thing because it's like the person has a huge problem, when in reality it can be easily resolved with good treatment. So he was trapped from all sides by a high pressure Indian family structure and the pressure from the industry, and the third class social mentality of shaming men for their weaknesses and bullying mentality of Indian society, bullying men for their failure, even an average Indian guy feels like a failure in life if he is not able to earn enough, he will be bullied by the father to get successful in life Compounded by all these social and medical factors (poor health resources, no doctors, Unempathetic attitude to mental issues) there is the suicide of Disha that happened right one week before his. That caused him massive anxiety. And you know how the Indian system is. The police will not do the work properly and pin the blame on someone, there is no democratic process or lawful process, they will simply find some scapegoat to blame and arrest and close the case immediately. There is mentality to find someone to blame for anything instead of taking collective social responsibility because that means hard work that the government people don't want to do. Sush felt very insecure and scared that he will be blamed for her suicide which is natural in Indian society. His own suicide is being blamed on others. He had do much anxiety over her death that he was constantly Google searching every news article on her for the whole week. He was already suffering from issues and now his anxiety went through the roof. He was ordering the medicine from his agent secretly, he became frustrated and committed suicide. Now the family didn't care what his issues were, neither in life, nor in death, they wanted no responsibility, they wanted to act like they were grieving his death and his loss meant a big loss financially to them so they wanted to blame someone and make it look like murder. That way they don't have to feel guilty for not supporting him. This is the story and not the story fed by media. The media is presstitute. They want trp and money out of his story so they make a big drama out of it but nobody wants to give peace to his soul. He was a victim of ruthless Indian society that only cares for success and wealth and toxic orange. But looks at anything outside this box as loser or failure. You don't understand it because you're not looking at the bigger picture. The only way to bring peace to his soul is to stop Indian fathers from shaming or pressuring the sons, reducing the toxic orange mentality, removing the shame associated with depression and other issues, getting better medical support for people without shame, making parents aware of their own health issues that can pass to children, giving proper resources to men to feel stronger mentally so they don't break down, not giving them pressure for success understanding men's heath issues and resolving men's issues, not treating the man like a cash cow, helping men to integrate the Feminine, some Indian families don't even allow the guy to date because they want to control his life or hold back his income, and the men are not allowed to join sports as a child, because sports is important for mental health, but the family wants him as a cash cow, so they tell the guy to only study and become a nerd, don't give him resources to become a full man, understanding male needs and issues and then helping them to become stronger in life so they can face real life situations which is not done by Indian families, also accepting male weakness rather than shaming it at the same time giving him resources to become strong, men should be allowed to play and work at young age to become independent, men like to work because it gives them a sense of importance and pride. But the indian system doesn't allow him to be independent, they don't allow him to have his own house, he is kept attached to the family like a little boy, so he does not grow mentally, he is always dependent on parents for everything, unable to face life on his own, this makes him mentally weak, because he is always sheltered by the father and controlled by the father, and even the mother, and so the boy's mental growth is not proper so even if a little bad thing happens in their life, a small setback and they commit suicide because they are not prepared by the families to face ups and downs of life.. It's a social structure designed around wealth and toxic orange success and this is the reason why such men finally commit suicide

@Vipassana You need to understand a lot of things about Indian society. Indian society has a lot of toxic masculinity in it. Boys aren't raised properly or in a healthy way. They are raised as cash cows. Parents only care about how much money he will bring into the family. The father does not care about the son's issues. The mother is never allowed to speak her opinion so she simply obeys the father With Sush, he is the prime example of toxic masculinity. He was suffering from deep psychological issues that were inherited from his mother because she had similar issues and she died a similar way. Now Sush already suffered from the trauma of the mothers loss. But he was suffering as well. Most mental health patients don't suddenly commit suicide in their 20s, it takes time for them to reach the breaking point. It usually happens in mid 30s or mid 40s..that's when the mid life crisis hits and people with psychological issues can't deal with stress unlike normal people. Now in his case, his symptoms were getting worse and worse with time. His family is acting supportive because he is dead. But there was nobody with him at the time of his death. His medicines were not even delivered by his family but by a private agent. He relied on his girlfriend for support but she knew that his symptoms are gradually spiralling out of control.. She took him to a good doctor but his family still did nothing for him. His girlfriend was the only one who took him for hospital visits. His family is hiding all this because they don't want to look guilty. They want someone to blame to feel better. And Indians are too scared to talk about their own family. Sush had lot of money so even if he donated a huge sum, that wouldn't be a cause of his suicide. He was very generous with money. His main concern was his mental issues.. He knew that with such issues he can't continue working for long. Now because society is such a way that men are not allowed to cry. They are considered weak if they cry, this was the main problem with Sush. He as a man was not allowed to feel weak. He did not tell anyone about his issues out of shame and guilt. He did not have the confidence to seek help or tell people that he was anxious or depressed because people would call him a weak man and as a movie star he would lose his position if he appeared depressed, so he had to always put on a show that he was happy even if his symptoms were getting worse. With the doctor's treatment his issues were slightly improved for some time, but mental health issues are such, that symptoms are controlled only for some time and they tend to reappear. It's very hard to beat and being a public figure makes it tougher to get privacy and people with such issues need a ton of privacy, now in Indian society there is a huge stigma and shame for mental illness, combined with toxic masculinity where a man is not allowed to express weakness, this is double shame, plus the family always wants the son to keep making money and the pressure for success is very high in Indian families, so the boys don't want to disappoint the families, so triple shame. Now being a celebrity means he is supposed to be happy all the time, so a lot of public pressure and no peace of mind. And the fear of losing career if he tells his problems openly. And in India, the mental health resources are close to zero, you hardly find a good doctor and going to such a doctor is considered a very shameful thing because it's like the person has a huge problem, when in reality it can be easily resolved with good treatment. So he was trapped from all sides by a high pressure Indian family structure and the pressure from the industry, and the third class social mentality of shaming men for their weaknesses and bullying mentality of Indian society, bullying men for their failure, even an average Indian guy feels like a failure in life if he is not able to earn enough, he will be bullied by the father to get successful in life Compounded by all these social and medical factors (poor health resources, no doctors, Unempathetic attitude to mental issues) there is the suicide of Disha that happened right one week before his. That caused him massive anxiety. And you know how the Indian system is. The police will not do the work properly and pin the blame on someone, there is no democratic process or lawful process, they will simply find some scapegoat to blame and arrest and close the case immediately. There is mentality to find someone to blame for anything instead of taking collective social responsibility because that means hard work that the government people don't want to do. Sush felt very insecure and scared that he will be blamed for her suicide which is natural in Indian society. His own suicide is being blamed on others. He had do much anxiety over her death that he was constantly Google searching every news article on her for the whole week. He was already suffering from issues and now his anxiety went through the roof. He was ordering the medicine from his agent secretly, he became frustrated and committed suicide. Now the family didn't care what his issues were, neither in life, nor in death, they wanted no responsibility, they wanted to act like they were grieving his death and his loss meant a big loss financially to them so they wanted to blame someone and make it look like murder. That way they don't have to feel guilty for not supporting him. This is the story and not the story fed by media. The media is presstitute. They want trp and money out of his story so they make a big drama out of it but nobody wants to give peace to his soul. He was a victim of ruthless Indian society that only cares for success and wealth and toxic orange. But looks at anything outside this box as loser or failure. You don't understand it because you're not looking at the bigger picture. The only way to bring peace to his soul is to stop Indian fathers from shaming or pressuring the sons, reducing the toxic orange mentality, removing the shame associated with depression and other issues, getting better medical support for people without shame, making parents aware of their own health issues that can pass to children, giving proper resources to men to feel stronger mentally so they don't break down, not giving them pressure for success understanding men's heath issues and resolving men's issues, not treating the man like a cash cow, helping men to integrate the Feminine, some Indian families don't even allow the guy to date because they want to control his life or hold back his income, and the men are not allowed to join sports as a child, because sports is important for mental health, but the family wants him as a cash cow, so they tell the guy to only study and become a nerd, don't give him resources to become a full man, understanding male needs and issues and then helping them to become stronger in life so they can face real life situations which is not done by Indian families, also accepting male weakness rather than shaming it at the same time giving him resources to become strong, men should be allowed to play and work at young age to become independent, men like to work because it gives them a sense of importance and pride. But the indian system doesn't allow him to be independent, they don't allow him to have his own house, he is kept attached to the family like a little boy, so he does not grow mentally, he is always dependent on parents for everything, unable to face life on his own, this makes him mentally weak, because he is always sheltered by the father and controlled by the father, and even the mother, and so the boy's mental growth is not proper so even if a little bad thing happens in their life, a small setback and they commit suicide because they are not prepared by the families to face ups and downs of life.. It's a social structure designed around wealth and toxic orange success and this is the reason why such men finally commit suicide

@Preety_India @Akemrelax @ajai Kali Yuga ?‍♂️ Ill shut up now ? everything I said was from a point of privilege of not being in India amongst the midst of devilry. I value Indian culture & radical leftism in India is becoming hyper irrational in my opinion. Maybe I need to study the politics of my own country before thinking about politics of the neibhoring country. From what I've innerstood, its alot corrupt in Nepal. SSR was a self actualizing individual & with very little intellectual effort, you can clearly see that it wasn't a suicide. I shall now retract from this thread and repent for my ignorance.

@Vipassana sushant did commit suicide. And Modi is not needed in India. He is a joke. Because of him, I can't say he is joke on Twitter. That sums it up.

That whole thing is a red herring to distract the masses from actual problems like poverty, rapes, farmer ordinance ,etc. That is like the best example of a silly conspiracy theory. Lol Whether it was a suicide or not will be determined after the investigation is done, but there is no need for silly speculations, especially be the media houses. Modi is a fascist.

@Preety_India Are u not aware of whats going on with Sushant Singh Rajputs murder case in India? One would be a complete a complete fool to believe that it was actually a suicide. Politics is dirty buisness especially when it is predicated upon hierarchy & these people have 101 tricks up their sleeves to fabricate the Truth. This case will lead to mass civil unrest in India if the Truth doesn't come out about these rats. Shout outs to my mans Modhi.

I inhabit this meat suit, temporarily. I was out of body so many times. Misery and psychological pain can also make the soul want to leave, but i always come back, because i leave the body intact, one day the body will rot, the spirit will fly away I have contemplated suicide hundreds of times, I dont see a point in this hell anymore. The God I am probably got bored, decided to go through hell idk. But i am tired of this game, there is no love here, no purpose nothing. I know what I am i don't care even if i die tomorrow. I was offered death on a pedestal, yet when my soul flew away it remembered it's identification oww I remember a human life and i came back... Dammit It is why i reply to this topic, i feel the same way as the author. But knowing i can't really die... killing myself is also pointless.

I feel ya, man. I've always had issues socially too. Big reason I do enlightenment work. When my core is rock solid I can 'fart' in a social setting and everyone thinks it's cute. God forbid I ever go through a valley though. Social suicide.