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That is really interesting. I’ve found there are actually animals that do commit suicide, but only from a hive mind, or you might say, collective standpoint. For example, there are insects that trigger their own organ failure, and like a caterpillar becomes a butterfly they melt into a substance which aids In the defense of the hive like fly paper. There’s even a parasite that takes over a host’s nervous system and then purposefully gets that animal eaten by it’s prey so it can infect an even bigger host, for the sake of the ‘collective’. Apparently humans are the only animal that can mistake a thought to be an individual self, and perception to be of individual animals. That made me wonder if creation, or, experience, would be better if humans just had hive mind. But honestly, hive mind sounds rather bland & boring. Maybe the ideal situation would be to both experience individually & experience individuals individually, but also have some kind of underlying hive mind bond or something going on too. That made me wonder if maybe the highest intelligence could be that underlying bond, experiencing being individuals, for the sake of the experiencing. If so, some kind of grounding like that would be nice because, I don’t know about you but this place is crazy. Then I wondered about the op and thought what if aliens aren’t visiting per se simply because they don’t want covid, or us eating them too. I am suspicious that the highest intelligence would have the experience, or, creation ‘itself’ in mind. I also suspect there is some sort of ‘underlying bond’ which could be ‘realized‘, and be the experience that is the apparent individuals which seem to have “hive mind”. Then of course I wondered what if aliens have “hive mind”. Again, this place is nuts. These are just some perspectives. Idk.

RECAP Problem, challenge, obstacle Feeling depressed, suicidal, negative thinking of sufferable effort (Ego stories and games?) Having to suffer through work, grind, assignments in college Having to suffer through sufferable effort in general (throughout my history and life, although this may be a common problem) The "actual" (?) problem of Sufferable effort How do you solve sufferable effort? Solutions (Direct Methods) Outlook, perspective, optimism Consider your perspectives aren't necessarily the highest perspective Eliminate (or be careful of) nihilistic, pessimistic points of views, beliefs (on effort, sufferable effort, life, etc.) Incorporate/understand positive, optimistic, differing perspectives, points of view (on effort, sufferable effort, life, etc.) Be careful of the ego's stories Stop, eliminate, be careful of victim mentality, Don't be close-minded, don't give up, always try to find a solution, be a problem-solver, be a fighter, be a creator Don't overcomplicate it, Don't ruminate to much Pondering, contemplation, journaling Ask yourself question, question your beliefs, perspectives, interpretation Try to enjoy your current work, see what aspects you love Make the best of current work, effort, try to enjoy current effort/work Consider using supplements/drugs, consider using music, high energy music This can be ineffective if it is high level, high difficulty, a certain level difficulty of intellectual work Take breaks Work in teams and groups Consider, explore other types of work, ways to acquire basic needs Consider Part-Time work, minimalistic lifestyle, low-expense minimalistic lifestyle Choose a job (college or manner of creating money for basic needs) that is less stressful and suited to your needs Consider a trade Take a break, try something different, a physical job where you can have high energy with drugs/supplements and music Financial Freedom / Financial Independence Reduce expenses/liabilities (affordable housing, pay down debts) Create additional sources of income Find ways to be efficient Find ways to create efficient value, create immense value while being efficient, ultra-efficient Pursue what you love, find your passion, high-level interests If you love what you do, you won't feel like its work Make a living doing what you love, with enjoyable effort Awakening/Enlightenment, Dis-identify from the mind, Liberation from the mind It is speaking on your behalf and causing untold misery Self-experimentation Experiment with the solutions offered, experiment with your own solutions, experiment with solutions, experiment Acceptance, Understanding That work, effort, the sufferable effort is an inevitable part of life Know that life is a shitty deal, life is a shitty deal for not just me but everyone, understand/accept that perspective, "Just deal with it" Stop being a bitch, stop being a pussy (Indirect Methods / Worthy Endeavors / Solutions to other, related problems) Seek help Engage in therapy Using your mind to change your perspective is futile for some people (especially for those who live in their head), you need to engage your emotions strongly as well Engage in energy work Understand meaning Question, ponder, contemplate, learn, research, think about, etc. meaning Be careful for meanings surrounding meaning Eliminate video games, sex/masturbation (maybe just limit sex?~), alcohol, too much sugar, too much food indulgence, consuming too much media (especially social media), too much recreational drugs (weed included), too much partying/gossiping Eliminate all lower consciousness activities All this shit numbs you and lowers motivation levels Focus on your health, neurotransmitters, eliminate, replace, fix badly functioning neurotransmitters Focus on experiencing joy Find ways to enjoy life Engage in fun activities Ideas/Perspectives Death may not be an option (due to reincarnation, having to restart, karma, etc.) Consider "sufferable", unpleasant after-death experiences due to suicide Consider taking suicide off the cards It may override your higher purpose Find and focus on your higher purpose People who live to old age often comment that the time passes crazy fast anyway This is how it is, welcome to the human world. You don't have many options. You either own a business or have a job. In both, you need to work. Most people know life is hard, people with the highest levels of self-love are not willing to passively accept common outcomes Pursue what you love, don't overcomplicate Love is the magic ingredient that makes work not feel like work. You only call it "work" when you don't love what you're doing, Consider that modern life may expect to much intellectual work from us Consider that physical work can be therapeutic It can be healthy, exercise See the benefits, see the positive You may just take a break from your work and come back, take a break and work on physical work then come back Some forms of financial agency/security/independence are liberating though it is easier said than done Finances can be hard to get right if there is no external source of support ?~~~ (Victim mentality?~) Surviving on part-time work might be a more achievable goal Not working may cause mental issues, not working may be suboptimal There may be a certain kind of lethargy caused by a lack of positive engagement with people and challenges If you are involved in the right goals, it may not be an issue Your mind frame controls you, you look at reality in one way, while not being conscious that reality is how you see it Your mind creates the problems in interpreting the world See the deceptive nature of your thoughts, Do not trust your thoughts That’s the beauty of advanced personal development and spirituality, that’s why I watch actualized.org videos You will understand how reframing can solve the problem, only when you realize how your current framing has created the problem in the first place Its not always about re-framing, sometimes its about practice, past-experience, skill, strategy Have a positive mindset, think like naruto, think like anime characters, never give up (but I think still investigate, it can't all just be baseless) The effort you put in depends on your creativity, level of creativity Consider that you are in depression, that this is depression Possibly start to fear "meaninglessness" Go back to stage orange, lower level, previous perspective and see how I would see myself from there ?~~ My country has the most opportunities for whatever work I want to be doing, my country has the best ratio of self-made? people across the world I seem to be complacent and I am spoiled by my country and the conditions I was born in It can be challenging growing up with privelege because you are given a lot of things that other's work their whole lives for, and you see the emptiness in them and other pursuits You may lack motivation because your life is too comfortable right now Why does one lack motivation if their life is to comfortable? Isn't the lack of motivation a problem which is uncomfortable? Isn't the lack of results a problem which is uncomfortable? Life may take on more meaning if someone depends on you, such as a pet, child or student Why might this be meaningful? Awaken, enlighten, More spirit in your life means more presence, joy and lightness Awakening will let you sink into effortlessness, awakening is ultimate laziness With awakening, there isn't anyone owning the pain/suffering, which is a quantum leap Consider whether you should awaken, go down the awakening route Know it is an option if all else fails Only truthful activities remain when one awakens Directed energy to sustain activity dissipates if there is no point, purpose, it is non-truthful activity, a non-truthful activity, All activities done on behalf of a sperate self will eventually fall away as one treads along the path What these activities are in your particular case is something you'll discover as you go Further Questions / Challenges What is effort? What is sufferable effort? What is enjoyable effort? What is sufferable vs enjoyable effort? Is sufferable effort inevitable? Is sufferable 'emotional labor' inevitable? Is there are solution to this problem? Is their a way to eliminate this problem completely? Is suffering inevitable? Can you actually solve the problem of "having to put effort in life"? How do you handle, deal with sufferable effort while you working on solutions for it? How do you deal with having to grind in college (How do you deal with the suffering from sufferable effort? (boring, uninteresting, grueling, sufferable effort/effortful homework, assignments, zoom calls, etc.?) How do you handle suffering? Do you just sit and suffer (or fight and suffer)? Do you have to suffer? Is suffering inevitable? Is the sufferable effort of life worth it? Is the sufferable effort to eliminate sufferable effort worth it? Do you have to do sufferable effort in order to eliminate sufferable effort? What is the point/purpose of it all? Is that question voided, based on false assumptions? What are the perspectives, outlooks, viewpoints surrounding this? Is there something I am missing? Is the idea, perception, feeling of doing, effort an illusion? What level (or progress) of awakening does one have to be to realize this? (Is this full awakening?) does one have to be fully awakened to realize this? How do you love what you are doing? How do you create a love for what you are doing? Can we just see the world however we want? Can we create whatever framing we want? Can we interpret the world however we want? Why do anything? Why is it important to challenge yourself? Why is it important to grow? Isn't this sense of accomplishment based of false meaning and untenable? What is personal truth? What is subjective truth? Isn't meaning just bullshit? Isn't all meaning just bullshit? What is meaning? How does one understand meaning completely? Is having no meaning bad? Is meaning-less bad? What is the point/meaning of meaninglessness? What are the implications of meaninglessness? Is meaninglessness a bad thing? What is meant by meaninglessness? Is all meaning untenable? Can you still hold meaning even if all meaning is untenable? How can you enjoy meaning if all meaning is untenable? If all meaning is untenable what the hell? Feel free to answer all or a few of the questions above. Feel free to share your perspective, ideas, comments.

Spirituality is not there for you to become dettached from your sense of humanity and inviduality. Please drop the notion that having an identity is an illusion and thus your desires and experience is somehow not good enough and should be trancended. You are a human. You have emotions and thoughts. These are unique to you. Your ego-identity is indeed a construct, yes. But it needs to be trancended and then re-integrated. Transgenderism is on the level of this human experience. It can not be transcended by awakening. Awakening won't make your desires go away. You have to find a way to allign your future with how you feel what is the best in your core, but you might not know it yet, so transitioning is not the best option for you to do right away IMO. First there has to be some exploration of your human self. Transitioning is something permanent. Once your reproductive organs are gone, you can't go back. Only after exploration of your self, and you still want it, it might be what you need. My perspective is that transgenderism is not genetic. There is no evidence to support this at all. Every born male is biologically designed to grow up as a male, but biology only goes so far. There has to be followed a certain developmental proces for boys in order to become men. If this developmental process does not happen in the way it is intented by nature, then there can be deviations in your gender identity. Every boy has a primary attachment with the mother. Then it has to identitfy with the father in order for him to claim his sense of maleness. There are studies and a lot of clinical observations that recognize a pattern of abusive and hostile fathers, and psychologically distant mothers (or mothers who are overindulgent). This dynamics between son - father can lead someone to reject the masculinity they represent, and thus fail to claim their own masculinity. So they disown their own body and strive to be the mother from whom they have seperated. In a lot of the cases, the mother was reported to be highly anxious and stressed in the period of formation of the boy, thus experienced as seperate. So who do they attach themselves with? Masculinity represents danger to the boy. You can imagine how attachment influences your identity, no? There is inherent conflict with one's sense of self when you consider the suicide rates of transgender people. Not to mention the psychological struggles they face. Your identity is not fixed. You can change. If you want though. If you can be happy by accepting this, then you don't have to change.

Sounds like someone is trying to convince you their perspective is objective, and this is not resonating with your actual experience that you and he each have only a subjective experience and perspectives. How you feel matters, not what someone else thinks about you. They have their own feelings, you have yours. To threaten you with my suicide do to your behavior is innocent and disheartening, yet is also extremely manipulative and a loud cry for help. I should be seeking help and clarity & addressing my feelings in that scenario, not blaming & threatening you. It’s like a kid at a party in which everyone will not bend to their will and do and act as they desire, so they threaten to leave the party, rather than addressing their own subjective perspectives and experience, letting go of trying to control everyone & everything, and having a good time. Relationship wise, it is never your job or responsibility to pay attention to someone else. Someone acting like a child does not actually make someone your child. The ‘objective perspective’ is not a perspective at all, it is love, and it is ‘coming from’ within you -it is not coming from him. This is not to say he can’t be or isn’t being loving, just that the love you feel is not literally coming from anyone or anywhere - but within you. If you have attached to thoughts & perspective that it is coming from him, then you might misinterpret the feeling of fear (of losing him and therefore the love) when in truth, that feeling is the very love, sort of saying “wtf though? I’m right here for you sweetie, I am always right here for you!”. Take time away from him and reconnect within emotionally. It sounds like you’re ‘in so deep’ you can’t see the forrest from the trees. Get out of the forrest for a bit. Be careful as well, not to pull a reversal and blame him for any of this. That is only staying in the forrest and pretending you are not...continuing to attach the love you are to him, trying to make him understand, or apologize, etc. You can love him and love yourself, wether you are in a relationship with him or not. The more love you give, the more love you are experiencing & feeling. You can love so much there isn’t even really a you and others anymore. Just the love. Though I think all of that love, for now, really should be just for you. It is in fact what healing is. Allow it. Receive it. Let go of ‘barriers’, and like a helium balloon, love floats of it’s own accord - inherently, intrinsically, automatically. He could use sometime out of the woods as well, to know the tree he is. How he feels is not contingent on your behaviors, though it sounds like he very much believes it is, and that you have convinced yourself of this as well. Why believe what feels terrible? Why ignore the feeling, and believe the thoughts? For him? For your well being? Believing other people dictate or determine how you feel, is bothering you, because they don’t. The very ‘bothered’ feeling is the source of you, listen to that. Then don’t continue trying to force ‘logical acceptance‘. You are not responsible for how he feels. You are responsible for how you feel, act and behave - no one else. Stop ‘destroying yourself’ to make someone else appeased. You will never be able to get poor enough to make someone else rich. You will never be able to get sick enough to make someone else well. You will never be able to ignore feeling enough for someone else to have clarity. He must look within himself and understand what’s going on too. You are in fact completely logical. You’re just ignoring your feelings by placing his above your own, and experiencing directly that this doesn’t work. The next time you notice you are comparing yourself to his ex’s or to your past self....stop and point to these two things you believe you are comparing. Point to you, and point to his ex or your past self. You will see in your direct experience that you are you, and you are not actually making any comparison, with any actual thing, at all. Then, laugh, and enjoy the release of it, in the recognition of how ridiculous doing this has been. You’re creating your own suffering by trying to accept that, because it isn’t true. How he feels is always up to him, not you. Obviously, you have your own feelings, and therefore can deduce this logically. “I just really want to be able to accept that I'm a person who has made him“ = “I want to know the infinite creator, the unconditional love, that I truly am, the make of all things”. Consider reading up on codependency, enablement, self esteem, and the healing properties of human tears. Make a dreamboard. Put everything that comes to mind, that you want to have, do, be, and experience in your life, on the board. Maybe a relationship with him is on that board, maybe it’s not. But in doing so, in and only in the direct experience of doing so, you have rightfully, logically, and emotionally, placed your own love, healing, and well being first. If my kids & I fly somewhere, every single time, like clockwork, before that plane takes off, the flight attended is going to tell me - “if the shit hits the fan on this flight & those oxygen masks drop down from the overhead - put your oxygen mask on first - before you help your kids”. You are not much help to him, or yourself, or anyone else - all hunched over & passed out.

Do we know of written instructions on how to leave the body consciously on the internet? I'm picturing maybe a book like the JC Stevens' one. I think it may be possible to leave the the body consciously by stopping to breath after a period of hyperventilation as I noticed that after hyperventilation I can hold my breath much longer. That combined with being willing to give up breath definitely and maybe other instructions with the rest of the body and preparation may do the trick. This would basically be the instructions on how to perform Mahasmadhi, whether it's an ecstatic process or no is another matter. Such document would be of utmost importance for mankind because I'm seeing all these threads about assisted suicide but this would be the most responsible way to leave the body rather than breaking the body by suicide or assisted suicide.

@AlphaAbundance Yes, the higher perspective is enlightenment/liberation or whatever one wishes to call it, but it is important to distinguish the mental idea of enlightenment with the actual experience. In simple terms, you distinguish the Self that is looking out through your eyes right now from the noisy little human self that is always grappling with problems to do with past and future. Only the present consciousness is real. This would change your entire outlook as you can imagine. Having more insights from the higher intelligence might give you a newfound purpose of some kind, or you might still prefer to chill out. There's no right or wrong, except be true to yourself. Owning a home and having basic living costs covered is incredibly liberating, though is easier said than done unless there is access to a substantial sum. Even then, there can be all sorts of restrictions around money for everyday living and it can get depressing. As for mental issues, there can be a certain lethargy caused by a lack of positive engagement with people and challenges. But if you are involved with other goals, that would likely not be an issue. But the finances are hard to get right if there's no external source of support. Sometimes I say that surviving on part-time work is a more achievable goal. Many near-death experiences end because people are told by higher powers that their mission here is not complete. If someone dies suddenly, even if by 'accident', it means their mission was complete. We are not all guaranteed to live 80 years. Suicides often have less pleasant after-death experiences because we are overriding the higher purpose when our minds make the clinical calculation that living is more painful than dying. My best advice is to take suicide off the cards and instead focus heavily on that higher purpose. People who live to old age often comment that the time passes crazy fast anyway. For your last question, the error is in thinking that the suffering is caused by situations. Some masters have lived the most mundane lives, and been in bliss the whole time. They feel joy in even the dullest of chores. It is hard to even imagine or describe it, and it is something antithetical to the ways of Western society and its consumerism, competitiveness, etc. Personally I love the pure and direct teachings of Ramana Maharshi, but there are other worthy teachers also. I hope this helps!

Self-actualization is not possible without great hormones. I replace all of them. I am a medical student and replace ALL of my hormones. my energy levels went from the 5th percentile to the 95th percentile. In early twenties my life was starting to go down the gutter. My life started to fall apart in every domain, basically at the brink of suicide. I was severely depressed. At one point I considered suicide. I found out that multiple of my hormones were very low. I started multiple hormone replacement. Whereas before my life was a nightmare, it has been a dream ever since. I have been doing this for some years now. I started to dream again. I found purpose. Something I want to contribute. Now I also have the energy, mood and health to keep working on my dreams, to enjoy working on my dreams. If you are interested I wrote about my story here. How my life went to shits and how multiple hormone replacement gradually turned it around. My dream is to live in a world where no one is held back from living an at least decent life the way I was. Even though not my fault, it is my life. And thus my responsibility. Without accepting and acting on that I just don´t know where I would be today. For sure I wouldn´t be writing this. Biological vitality is the single most important condition in my life. In your life. Vitality determines to a large extent the way our lives turn out, not just our outer lives, but our inner lives as well.I experienced how a reduction in biological vitality can send you on a relentless downward spiral. The stronger the decrease in your vitality the steeper the slope. In its wake over months to years my life, the only life I can be sure of having, went to shits. Many people are unsuspecting. Unaware of these invisible forces exerting their power relentlessly every single day. "Living life to the fullest" is just not possible without great hormones.:Life is like poker—you can get a good hand, play it perfectly, but still end up with a bad outcome. A great vitality is the ass in your poker game of life. Even with an immaculate vitality you can screw up the game, but chances are you do so much less likely. The two most important factors determining your vitality are genetics and hormones, the latter you can negotiate. Why do I post all this? Trying to provide value: My purpose is to raise awareness. People need to know that there are biological shackles many of us carry. Shackles which make it much harder to live a life we like. Because it does just cost me a little time but perhaps can help others out a lot. Had I known what I know now, it would have saved me lots of money, happiness, effort, researching, experimenting. And suffering. What I take. But what works for me might not work for others. Everyone is different, but the target range I aim for is in the upper tertile of the youthful reference range. Just falling somewhere within the reference range is not “optimal”. The reference range covers 95% of the population. Certainly more than 5% of the population have hormones bad enough to warrant intervention. TRT: Test Cyp (50mg subQ 2x/week), HcG (250iu subQ 2x/week), anastrozole (0.25mg 1x/week), dutasteride 0.5mg 1x/week (as my androgens are high I don´t need the DHT). cortisol: cortisone acetate (20mg/d HC equivalent) (split into 4 daily doses) thyroid: 1.5 grains NDT GH: 1 iu genotropin pfizer (aiming for IGF1 of 250) prebed fludrocortisone 01.mg/d morning melatonin: 0.25mg sublingual prebed Other stuff I do: keto/paleo, HIIT, weekly rapamycin, a bunch of supplements (all of them together less worth than a slight alteration in hormones), some exercise every day, sleep around 6h (wake up refreshed without alarm -before HRT I needed 8+). You can´t outdrug/outbiohack/outlifestyle a bad hormonal profile. For more practical stuff I wrote a guide Here. It took 1000s of hours to figure out. Hopefully some of you will find value in it. Many of you guys will say that I am screwing myself. Well, to them I say that I am aware that this is uncharted territory. I am aware of the risks. But to me the cost-benefit analysis is a no-brainer. If I had to, I would sign a contract to rather live 10 more years with my new vitality and then die instead of living to one hundred with the dreadful state I was in before. Life is about filling time and not passing it. What does this mean for you? My guess is that around 1-2 out of 5 of you has a hormonal imbalance/deficiency severe enough to warrant intervention. Hormones have an INSANE connection to depression. Unfortunately they are VERY neglected. If you have been depressed for a long time it might be worth looking into your hormones. ANY hormone deficiency (GH/IGF1, sex hormones, thyroid, cortisol) will cause brain fog, subpar cognition, lethargy, anhedonia, low motivation, low mood -> all of which over time evolve into depression. Certainly you don´t have the necessary energy/mood/motivation/health to be improving yourself to the best of your ability. Please consider getting a blood test done. The risk and opportunity cost of not doing it is huge.

Yes you might be depressed and suicidal, but is it justified? What other reason besides thinking and feeling like it do you have? There are souls without arms and legs having to survive day by day just like you. There are adults who have to work all week just to feed their children, and there are others who have lost their whole family, seen their family get killed, had to find refuge alone in a foreign land. Life can be fucking hard. And I too want to die every now and then. But when it gets to serious I have to reflect and stop feeding this weak Ego of mine that thinks it has the hardest life out of them all. Why am I not strong enough to continue? This is tough love, but realize you have it so much better than a lot of people, no matter your situation. Alone that you have peace and time to contemplate suicide should make you feel grateful.

@Lyubov yea that suicide thing was his awakening.. Strange how people get awakened.

yeah exactly. I think his suicide forest thing really shook him out of a really low conscious paradigm. He really felt the backlash from that and saw first hand the misery of someone taking their own life and it really shook him to grow. You can tell he is quite worried about his brother when he talks about him but knows he isn't in control of another person and can only let them live their own life and learn.

I'm not advising anything to anyone. Merely pointing out the mechanisms preceding homosexuality. You have to realise the difficulties these people often face. There's a high % of homosexual men relative to heterosexual people that try to commit suicide because of their internal struggle with their sexual orientation. Homosexuality is fine, and if you are happy with it, why change? But it is just so that homosexuality is in most of the case a compensation for their trauma based identity. These people often struggle with shame, self-esteem issues, low self worth, perfectionism, depression, anxiety. The homosexuality is not the problem. It's the underlying identity issues that are and the implications on their life. I'm not saying it is the only cause and I don't think genetics can by itself bring out the condition. You can have a predisposition to emotional vulnarbulity or prenatal hormonal imbalances, and then you can say genetics can contribute, but I don't think there has been found a gay gene yet lol. The problem with the LGBT movement and how the people involved preach that acceptance is the only way, is what distrubs me. If people with homosexuality who feel like it is not their core identity go to therapy, they get to hear that acceptance and letting go is the only solution. These people are heterosexual in their core, but this is burried deep inside the person. They want to have the normal heterosexual identity, the one of having a family, a house, garden, childeren. The social stigma adds to the emotional burden as well. The shame that is associated with it, leaves onself hiding his 'authenticity', leaving the person feeling isolated from his environment. Some people have it easier and can accept that as part of who they are and go on with their life. For the people in the group I'm talking about, It's sometimes not an option. There was a topic of someone here on the forum who was clearly fighting the desires because he felt it was not his core identity. It's a problem for me that public biases are limiting the healing opportunities for wounded individuals. Also the theory that homosexuality is genetic is a problem. It limits further investigation into the more significant contributing factors for example family dynamics and so homosexuality can not be prevented. It's best to be prevented if possible because of the issues that often come with, both socially and psychologically

This weekend New Zealand is voting on the assisted suicide issue. Looks like it's really just a matter of time before it's legal.

I am completely clouded by my emotions. My partner has complained about how I don't fully listen, and how I react emotionally when they try to speak objectively with me. This, although not at all a big deal, has been incredibly difficult, and has felt almost impossible for me to accept. I continue to deny and say, "that's not me", or cry profusely when they bring it up or get frustrated. This has a deeper meaning to my ego, as my partner has compared the behavior to his mother, which has lead him to wanting to commit suicide. Although he's admitted I am not to that extremity, it feels almost impossible for me to accept this criticism without an emotional reaction. I want to be nothing like his mother, however, the more emotionally attached I get, the less objective I become, therefore I play more into the behavior he despises. It also cycles back as it makes me incredibly worried when talking to him, (for fear of me not paying attention happening again) further clouding my head and making it more difficult to pay attention. I am also extremely attached to the beginning of our relationship, which he cites as me never behaving in this way before, and was actually one of the reasons we bonded in the first place (he enjoyed my objectivity, logical thinking, detachment from emotions clouding my thoughts, and how easy it was to talk and reason to me). This, ironically, makes me cry even more - as I feel I've completely lost that part of me, or he'll never see me in that light again. Or even worse, even if I do change the behavior, he'll always see me as an emotional wreck who can't handle objective conversation. I've brought up these concerns with him before, and he has stated that the more I repeat the positive behavior (listening more, not crying), the faster it'll all go away. He always reaffirms with me that I can fix this behavior, that it can all be a memory and won't impact my current character. But, this has been hard for my ego to believe - it always wants to tell me that I'm inadequate, not enough, and I've completely ruined everything. And I believe it. I'm just struggling with what exactly I need to do to stop this behavior. I was locked in my home with my very emotional, anxiety-run family for 6 months (they feared covid-19 to the point of self-quarantine), 2 months ago, I left to live with my father, out of being driven to near insanity. We both believe this lowered my IQ substantially, and made me way more emotional and irrational. Now, I'm still having trouble thinking clearly, or even narrowing down what exactly is bothering me. It feels my thoughts are behind a dim cloud. My rational feels completely obliterated, and I'm having trouble accepting this situation without attaching it to "you make him suicidal, you're too stupid to talk to, you've completely ruined everything.." etc. I can't accept the situation logically, without destroying myself and making myself miserable in the process. I compare myself to his ex's, to my past self, I think of false positives like "if I wear this shirt, I'll be more like my past self". I'm completely illogical. Even if I start to work on it, my mind will tell me "his ex never had to do this, you're so pathetic, he'll never love you like he loved her". If anyone has any tips on this, I would be really happy to hear. This behavior and cycle has been going on for about a year, and I'm sick of it. It's been making both of us miserable. I just really want to be able to accept that I'm a person who has made him miserable, without attaching it to feelings of inadequacy, never being enough, and always being stained by this past. Thank you so much.

@Shyamal My heart goes out to you, I’m sorry for your loss. Suicide is a haunting thing. It leaves all parties with darkness. You wonder what they must have thought, what you could have done, what if’s about it all. Thank you for putting your energy into this. Speaking from my own experiences I believe depression comes in many levels. From sadness to fear, to hopelessness and destruction. And after having been depressed for most of my life, I’ve come to find peace in the darkness that others see as a hopeless abyss. This year has been so hard for many. I have found myself in a place where I can burst out in ecstatic joy and crawling back into my wicked thoughts from moment to moment. So what do you say to those that have found darkness to be their home? One has to find meaning, discover a purpose, some reason why you have to continue to breathe. And with something greater to live for, one can move beyond the self. But it’s so much harder than that. Because today’s world has become so unnatural and toxic. A lot of people are dead before they die. Questions for you. What is the number one thing that is missing in your life? What can you do right now that would give you joy? What do you Love about yourself? Where do you want to be in 1 year? What is a dream you want to have? What is keeping you back? What is your purpose here on Earth? ?❤️ thank you

I'm sorry that you lost a friend to suicide. I admire your intention to help other people in similar situations. The idea of suicide originates from three factors: I'm in pain. I'm alone. And I see no end to it. I think that the significance of a community is for people to talk about it openly. Suicidal people believe they are the only ones who think about it. If they know how many people are struggling with doors closed, the suicidal thoughts would drop instantly. People won't be killed by suffering. People are killed by suffering alone. Another thing is that addressing too much on positivity may not help. For me, positivity was repulsive when I felt hopeless. What truly helps is negativity met with compassion, knowledge, stories, and awareness. I'd also like to share with you Teal Swan's insights on suicide: With all of such good intentions, we still can't prevent suicide by 100 percent. But it's worth the effort. Thank you for your leadership and bravery. Wish you all the best!

Downward Spiral TW: Suicide Lately I have been struggling with suicidal ideation. I am constantly in a state where I don't feel stable or safe and sometimes I wonder if life is still worth living if this is my default. I don't have anyone to talk to which is why my entries are always as long as they are. I don't have anyone to share what I'm going through. It's always been one thing after another. Every time I get to a point where I can live my best life, something else hits me and completely blind sides me. Maybe this is the myopia of negativity. It's like that one Uncle Iroh quote that goes along the lines of "If you look for the light you will eventually find it but if you look for the dark, that's all you'll ever see." Academically, I understand everything that is going on in my classes. But when I sit down to actually do my work, I am completely lost. Idk what's happening to me. I can't help but feel that there is something wrong with my brain. After analyzing this, I think this is a case where the map is not the territory. I understand the theory and how it's supposed to play out but I fail at the implementation. You can't learn math by watching people doing math I guess. Another thing that is important to take into consideration is that it's October. 5 years ago I had a suicide attempt very close to my birthday and ever since then I get into this somewhat depressed mood. I'm already not in the most stable circumstance because it is 2020, the world and everything around me is in a very volatile place, so adding depression and academic issues to the mix makes things 100x worse. On top of that I'm pretty sure that there are some hormonal things going on. I haven't had my period in 3 months. I don't know what that's about but I wouldn't be surprised if it had a great impact on my mood inclinations. All of this is basically adding up to me wanting actually jump off a bridge because I feel super hopeless about life. I just want to return to the state of joy that I was in when I first started this journal.

True. Censoring them is turning them into martyrs for free though, without them even needing the suicide vests.

This. Important. You can't debate cancers of the mind any more than you can debate a guy in a suicide vest.

You can't debate cancers of the mind any more than you can debate a guy in a suicide vest.

Opinions?

stop making immature assumptions. That's not what i was eluding to. From what i've learned, mercury is actually a conductor, and there are lots of dangrous heavy metals, i've done a some pulling myself. I don't support any protocols that don't require chemical transitions and hydrating the state of the body to support the healing process. I don't like this pointless video because it doesn't offer much useful information/knowledge other than, don't fuck around with detoxing heavy metals on your own watch. Why is there no aftermath valuable information/knowledge available? It creates more questions/fear for people than anything. The dude placed little value on the diet he was eating and this is huge. I have no doubt if he would have drank all that urine he was pissing out, he'd be alive. It's not about the heavy metals or suicide, it is the fact that he doesn't speak about anything of much relevance, the only focus is on his story, and i don't buy it. Detoxing heavy metals is a process that requires total body cleansing just to support the rigorous task of such dangerous stuff. I will never forget my first fast, i went through a three day transition, using too many herbs to pull out metals and when i caved on my eating habits, i ended up in the hospital due to too much shit in the blood affecting the brain.

All experiences are true. There are no "more true" experience. Non Duality and Duality are the same. This is bigger than duality and non duality. All searches are "traps" . Speaking with angels and demons, experiencing kundalini, suicide and morning shit in the toilet are the same. wow. I did not expect it to be like this AT ALL. Right here. Always here. wow. shit! Absolutely nothing changed. Ego death experience and experience with full ego are the same.

October 7, 2020 For the most part this day was a similar pattern. The only major differences were that I shaved my beard and played some Tetris. I typed a day in the book. I am grateful that the bet I made with my grandma is keeping me up on the book so I don't forget. I have a long way to go and it is slow progress. At least I have made a good set up to ensure that progress is happening. I continued the meditation habit before going into work today. I want to handle my inner laughter from a more mature stand point. I don't want to actively create more suffering which includes the suicide game. Usually I say it simply isn't true. If I want to become a more conscious human being, then I don't want to play these games. I want to find the best way to carry myself. I can't imagine how much better my life would be if I never actively created any of my suffering. It would be peaceful, but I would enable myself to make a more powerful impact on the world. Inner mastery thus leads to outer mastery., I did not continue the life purpose course today. I still need to make sure I am doing well in this front. I am making interesting progress, but I am not done. Continue your process and build yourself anew.

how so? I haven't watched the full video but I doubt heavy metals were the sole reason the guy committed suicide. They probably made his emotional problems worse though.

Precisely because that's the missing piece for you. If I was talking to a PUA, I might emphisize the mutual love part. But since I am talking to a love-bird, I emphasize the opposite. Of course! Lol What father would let his daughter marry a homeless man??? Lol Maybe you should become the nun of sexual healing. Saving Incels from suicide with your jay. Preety, the Saint of Sexual Charity, with her team of sisters