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Wait till life hits you hard. Survival is a bitch. Anyway, I think bliss is way too overrated. It has become the #1 selling point for enlightenment, giving superficial and illusory expectations that few people ever get. Pursuing bliss is a dead end. You'll have a much bigger chance of arriving at bliss as a result from pursuing truth and understanding.

Abraham Hicks says that your vibration on any subject is where you last left it. During an awakening do you clean up several subjects all together? That's what happened to me, a lot of long dormant but kind of awful feeling perspectives were shifted and some newer ones too. I noticed today that I have resistance to throwing out old food in the fridge. It's already too old to eat, but in order to clean it out and throw it out, I have to face the fact that I wasted the food, and the feeling of regret or neglect. So that feeling causes me to leave old food in the fridge, which causes me to waste more food because the fridge is cluttered and I can't see all of what is in there. If I could just ditch the feeling of regret and failed personal responsibility, the entire situation would be so much more efficient. If I get myself all motivated and psyched up to have an amazingly clean fridge, (couldn't take it any longer and stopped to actually clean old stuff out of fridge) then I can in one go, let go of all the old stuff, cause my focus is the result I want, and I get in the flow. So the awakening I experienced was like cleaning the fridge out in one go. But I may have missed some old moldy stuff in the back, (but god DAMN that thing looked spectacular from that vantage point!) and I never learned the habit of throwing out stuff when I realize it's old. There was this spectacular moment when I was in *poof* bliss state that I went to my parents house and they dumped some strangely reacting homemade kefir down the sink and both exclaimed over what a shame it was. That bottle of kefir was worth its weight in GOLD in my eyes. I watched this and I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that nothing could be wasted. "What a shadow of a doubt." Just saw this extra text floating around. Where did that come from? Says it originated with The Scarlet Letter, "beyond a shadow of a doubt". Love that book. Fascinating phrase when you think of it. beyond (prep., adv.) Old English begeondan "on the other side of, from the farther side," from be- "by," here probably indicating position, + geond "yonder" (prep.); see yond. A compound not found elsewhere in Germanic. From late 14c. as "further on than," 1530s as "out of reach of." To be beyond (someone) "to pass (someone's) comprehension" is by 1812. be yond. Jesus language is dumb. I've been hoodwinked. hoodwink (v.) 1560s, "to blindfold, blind by covering the eyes," from hood (n.1) + wink (n.); figurative sense of "blind the mind, mislead, deceive by disguise" is c. 1600. Related: Hoodwinked; hoodwinking. hood wink? Really, that's all that means? Face palm. Anyway. I dunno, am I reaching for perfection? I'm not one to have a perfect fridge. I am not my fridge. I am be yond my fridge. I just want to let go of the stupid guilt about getting rid of stuff that doesn't serve me, that motivates me to hold on to it. I realized this morning that this sort of storyline of clingy personalities in my family wasn't true and wasn't serving me, and was the moldy lentil soup in the fridge. But I'm glad it bubbled up. I realized that loneliness and neediness is driven not by any conditions of people or myself but by not taking the time to appreciate myself and other people. Conversations are a learning experience because I have in place so many old habits of relating. I remember when I first discovered Eckhart Tolle I was so determined that I put on this fake persona and refused to complain and started repressing emotions. A week or two later I blew up and felt much better. It's a process. It's not a process. process (n.) early 14c., proces, "fact of being carried on" (as in in process), from Old French proces "a journey; continuation, development; legal trial" (13c.) and directly from Latin processus "a going forward, advance, progress," from past-participle stem of procedere "go forward" (see proceed). Masquerading as a man with a reason My charade is the event of the season And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know

So this is what Leo proposed in his video "what's the point of life?" He said you will finally remerge with God and it will be bliss. But you will finally get bored and you decide to restart life again and you will do it again and again and again. And I am like no please no one, one time is enough,lol. What do you think?

Yes I understand. Even though he suffered so much, still his ego didn't surrender deep enough to become Enlightened and sit in Bliss or heaven. I'm not discounting the lesson he learned. Between stimulus and response we have the power to choose. If I was wanting to learn a skill like running a business I would read maybe something by great business leaders. I'm just saying the greatest good one can do for the world is to get Enlightened.

There’s something intoxicating about becoming the healthiest version of myself. Currently on a little health challenge with a friend of mine. We get points for not eating sweets, intermittent fasting and working out. We’re competing for a super nice yoga mat. (Fun fact: I’ve been doing yoga for 5 years now and I don’t have a yoga mat) it’s a ton of fun and so motivating to do something like this together. I really go through phases when it comes to health. Sometimes I don’t really want to think about it too much and just focus on other things in my life. I wanna eat what I feel like and not become so obsessed (again) with nutrition and working out. Luckily, I still crave healthy food most of the time even then. But then, during challenges like these, it’s like I glimpse some kind of “super human” version of myself and I just wonder on what kind of high level I could function if I’d be really diligent with my health. Feels like developing superpowers sometimes… The simple basics of enough sleep, working out, stretching, massages and healthy food make me feel sooo damn good. Totally enjoying the mental clarity, focus and groundedness that comes with it as well. Ugh. Matt Kahn once said that the most wonderful experience you’ll ever have is experiencing your consciousness, fully awakened, in a body grounded in all its senses. That’s bliss. And I can totally imagine that. I end up thinking “I really wanna focus all my time and energy into this aspect of my life”. But that’s how I feel about at least 10 totally different areas of my life. Haha. Damn it. Sometimes I’m thinking that if I just wouldn’t need to sleep, I’d have enough time to do all the things I want to do everyday.

How do all you guys feel after your krita routine? Bathing in bliss, present, absorbed, loving?

Almost everybody started spirituality for this reason, myself included. I want a bodybuilder body without lifting a finger. One of the biggest misunderstandings about spirituality is that it's some kind of shortcut to happiness and bliss. It can lead to that, but you have to do the work. And suffer. Probably more than you suffer right now. The enlightenment process is a lot of work and you have to work through a lot of shit. These gurus have spent their entire lives purifying themselves. You only see the end result and not the decades of work behind it. Who wants the boring meditation when you can go out, drink and have sex? Instant gratification. Why waste years meditating and suffering for some future payoff when you can have it right here and now? Sorry, I went on a little bit of rant there. Spiritual enjoyment comes after a lot of work. Years of work. It's a long-term project. If you think you feel enjoyment and happiness right now, you probably cannot imagine what it could be like after doing real spiritual work. Imagine that happiness x100. Not joking.

I always misunderstood the tao te ching and got shit for my wrong interpretation of it. Instead of pointing the fault toward myself. I am going to project that onto the founder of daoism, Lao Tzu and beat his ass. My plan will be exceptional in history. All the Jackasses that Jordan Peterson called out are going to be proud of me. So, i thought first of leaving my body and beat his butt in Nirvana. I then remembered that i will be stuck in kama-loka and all my animosity will be erased before i arrive there and that is not good. So instead of going there, i will bring him down here, Sadhguru style. Sadhguru built this shiva lingam to embody some high evolved spiritual soul by worshipping it. There will be much snow next week. I can make this huge snow sculpture of a vagina and a penis together in no time. I will do some chanting and bowing and Lao Tzu will embody the vagina/penis. Then i will smash the snow sculpture! However, i have read somewhere that the suppose Lao Tzu is Gautama Buddha. Basically, buddhas scriptures where transported to China but the originator is the same person but got called by a different name, Lao Tzu. So some people believe he is reincarnated in Shambhalla that is somewhere in the gobi dessert, Mongolia. In this case i have to take a huge loan and not pay it back. Cause this will be a one way trip. I have seen the Top Gear guys traveling in mongolia in some special suv. I think i gotta buy one of those. To find the place i will hire a channeler for a few thousand bucks. We will try to channel some of Lao Tzu close chumps in Shambhala. When I get the information i need. I will then just give up and fall asleep in my cozy sofa in a heavenly bliss state and disappear.

@soularlight I'm not sure where it started that enlightenment brings happiness and an end to suffering. Enlightenment is simply the realization that the you you believed you were is an illusion. When it is realized the illusion collapses leaving Being or Actuality. This is what is referred to as mystical because Being is prior to any type of conceptual realization which is still being made by the ego mind, wherein enlightenment is the collapse of the ego mind. Thats pretty much it. There is bliss with this realization because you are one with reality itself...the best way to put it is you ARE reality. This isn't some special state as people confuse it with the ego seeking something - it is actually the complete lack of ego. it just is what it is.

Look to this day For it is life, the very life of life. In its brief course Lie all the verities and realities of your existence. The bliss of growth, The glory of action, The splendour of achievement Are but experiences of time. For yesterday is but a dream And tomorrow is only a vision. And today well-lived, makes Yesterday a dream of happiness And every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well then to this day Such is the salutation to the dawn! Kalidasa

@NahmI have a hard time understanding what you just posted. Im aware that I am not my thoughts or feelings. I try to detach from it everyday. I dont think I'm ready to understand it either. Ill just accept that things are the way it is and work on the fundamentals. Exercise and diet. Having mindfulness. I don't have the free will to commit suicide anyway. Im being watched 24/7. I do admit that this spiritual work has been really dangerous to me and I wasn't ready, but I have learned a lot about myself. Just had an argument with my dad about it on how Leo has fucked up my brain. I got really pissed off but he is right. I do think though what Leo is doing is for the better for humanity. Not that I claim that I know what Leo "knows", but what he is saying makes a lot of sense to me so when I get caught up thinking about, committing suicide seemed so easy. Ive had temporary states of bliss during meditation and whenever I got out of it, the material world become a joke to me. Total garbage.

First of all, thanks for so many replies, seems like what I knew deep inside is true, just needed more clarification from other point of view, and it seems that my insecurities, and fear or rejection is what constantly does not let me take the final step in leading the way to attraction, unless the girl is more leading or gives me obvious signs. @Gesundheit Before Covid, i was doing quite a bit of approaching, sometimes it would lead to numbers, sometimes to dates, never to any relationship. Since i went through constant development and rejection, naturally i felt like i just kept failing and nothing works, so back to the drawing board. @Leo Gura Do you think getting rid of this approach anxiety/ insecurity is a way towards better life and higher-consciousness? It is something that I have been debating for a long time, I just can't understand, how important reality is in the end. If I finally make the realization (i already know this, but i have not felt it) that I am god, I am conciousness, then it sort of eliminates the need for sex and relationships, doesn't it? Other part of me wants to just spread joy, love and enjoy this dream together with someone else, who also understand atleast spirituality in-general. @Sine The funny thing is, that sometimes I feel like I have worked so hard on having this "attractive lifestyle" that some women told me they feel bad since I make them look like they have not achieved anything. I have studied abroad, i have done student exchange programmes, I travelled, i saved money and purchased a car, I lived a lone for a long time, I have been working out and living semi-healthy lifestyle for a long time, I also used to love to party a lot and go out, for me, it looks like it's a good balance, but then again, it is my life so creating a general opinion about it is quite hard. On some dates, I end up simply talking too much about my life I guess. @Preety_India here comes the confusion, Mark Manson's book How to attract women through honesty explains that vulnerability is the number one thing a man should have when trying to attract a girl, vulnerability shows that you are not afraid to show your weaknesses, and that you know them, and you are not afraid to be rejected for that. So what you recommend now, is to simply never show my vulnerable side and simply outright lie or hide them? That creates even more issues. And what is security anyway? Secure in my situation in life? Secure in my lifestyle? I already enjoy everything BESIDES my relationships with women, that by far is my most lack aspect of my whole life. I can be friends and find ways to interact to women no problem, moving on to a relationship of any kind besides friends is where I am stuck. @Nahm Thank you Nahm, but my inner dialogue becomes the monkey mind when I am around others, especially women. I have reached states of awareness with bliss and simply pure knowing when im alone from time to time, but when I am around others, seems like most of my spirituality work gets overshadowed by other personalities. Also, the more I work on myself, the more time i spend alone, the more I feel needy, the more I feel the need to find a relationship, and the more i start questioning every woman as if "is she the one i will have a relationship with?" @RendHeaven Alright, i get it, i knew it most of the time, I lack direct action towards explaining what I want from women, without being completely honest. My final question is, what should I do with this co-worker, since I feel like the sings of attraction from her are sort of gone, I am leaving the work soon, that means we wont see each other as often, i am debating on: a) finally tell a woman, that I like her and i care for her, and that if she would like to continue talking with me and see where this goes to, we should do so, and if she does not like me, we should go our separate ways. b) simply not tell her my feelings, and end the relationship right here, assuming she has no attraction to me, and that i do not want to be friendzoned again. Thank you all for your replies!

It’s like the scene in the matrix where they’re flying in the ship through the darkened real world...and then they rise above the clouds, and are swept away by the beauty. In the same sense it sounds like there was the natural bliss of being, or, what is, without self referential thinking...and then the narrative was believed again, and therefore death, separation, etc. That tingling and ringing is ‘it’ though. I once read the average person has over a hundred thoughts about themself everyday. I don’t believe it. Can’t see how that’s possible.

First things first, this video is in HINDI. So, I wanted to share this here specially because I find this very valuable and I'll explain what he says here, in a model. I am not posting this in high consciousness resources because I want to talk about and share the model he is proposing. I had an awakening last night, the Self-realization(not God-realization) while listening to some music and reading the pinned post on enlightenment by Leo. Just after that, I found this video in my recommended. This video is basically confirmed by the awakening I had before watching the video and another one of God-Realization some weeks back. Now what he say about the chakras is different from whatever I thought about them previously. And also makes it easier for me because he straight up says activation comes through inner understanding of certain concepts(I might've verified this firsthand). So basically contemplating on things. Now, I don't think this 'activation' is same as accessing the 'holy shit' possibilities of the chakras that people like to talk about. Activation means like all blockages removed, and is reverberating nice and good. Like the video is more about how to attain the bodies associated with these chakras. Disclaimer: It may as well be that he is just associating chakras with these to get people to contemplate into these topics for 'powers'. Which is a good strategy ngl. This model isn't supposed to be linear because I personally haven't and most of you here also haven't experienced it linearly. Muladhar (For Material Body): Possibility given by nature(N.P) = Sexual Attraction, possibility achieved through sadhana/striving(S.P) = Bhramhacharya. So basically, through total understanding of sexual attraction, you'll become a Bhramhacharya. Osho throughout the video reputedly says to not suppress, but to achieve total understanding into the natural possibilities so they can be transformed into the striving possibility. An example he gives is, "You are on your path but you see a boulder blocking your way, you get all upset because you think it is an obstacle, but through total understanding of the rock, you realize you can go climb on it and actually the boulder allows you to go on a higher elevation floor like a stairstep. You realize it's not an obstacle but a possibility. The boulder is still there sitting like before, but you realized it's actually a possibility." Swadhishthan (For Etheric Body): N.P = Anger, S.P = Forgiveness N.P = Fear, S.P = Non-fear N.P = Disgust, S.P = Love N.P = Violence, S.P = Non-Violence Again he says here to not suppress any of these or you'll just be stuck in them forever. Key is total understanding which will automatically transform these. Manipur (For Astral Body): N.P = Doubt, S.P = Faith N.P = Conceptualizing/Mental-Masturbation, S.P = Actual Wisdom So, he takes his time to explain Faith here. He says by faith he doesn't mean Dogma or anything. It's something that arises when doubt turns on itself and doubts doubt. When it understands itself, it transforms into Faith. Anahata (For Spiritual Body): N.P = Imagination, S.P = Will N.P = Dreams, S.P = Vision Says these transformations result in psychic powers like looking through walls, telepathy, astral projection, remote viewing, long-distance communication. seeing spirits, etc. By imagination becoming will he probably means very powerful manifestation. I don't have much experience of this one so can't say much on it. Vishuddhi (For Soul/Self(Atman) Body) Activated by: Self-Realization So here is very accurately describes what I felt just before finding the video. Self-Realization, meaning you realize the True Self. You are in bliss and peace. True Happiness for the first time. You see your true nature. But, a person here might still say there are different Atman in different people. Infinite Selves. In this person's mind, they think he/she realized 'her/his' self only. So basically they do see they are one with everything and their true self is infinite and forever, but they still hold the idea of their being other selves in 'other people'. (Though I didn't have this delusion in my awakening last night.) Biggest obstacle here is the Bliss, Peace, Joy. One might stop here entirely and not go further because all this time the struggle was from suffering. Now they got out so they wanna stay there forever. If one's seeking wasn't orignally for truth but for bliss then they will likely stop here only. He says that it might even take several lives to get sick of yourself/ this bliss to then to go further. But it doesn't have to be the case. I think since we know this trap we can just bypass it. Another thing he says is, till Anahata science can explain, research is going on and we can talk about these with language pretty good, but after that, starting here, language starts to breakdown and reaches it's limits. He says science can even reach into researching this too. But not after this. Language can be used to describe this and the next 2 ones but, it's gonna be very probelmatic for those who don't realize it already. Language used to describe this and the next two are often contradictory and don't make sense untill realized directly. Language fucks up a lot and creates a lot of delusions explaining these. Agnya/Agya (For Cosmic Body) Activated by: God-Realization Here he says, one realizes "Aham Bhramasmi". There is no you anymore, there is only Bhraman. Only being. Pure being. One can see infinity. Also idea of an 'experience' or 'perception' also breaks down because there is literally only being. Biggest obstacle here is that this is so full, (since nothing can be outside reality), one doesn't understand how to go further. Basically you can't go more meta than this since it's literally everything, including nothingness. I, actually experienced this one first hand. So during the God-Realization, when I realized I was completely alone as well, I noticed I felt a very strong magnetic field permeating through my head with the center of head as it's center. I remember thinking "This might be the closest I have gotten to noticing the Agya chakra in direct experience and have activated it.) OSHO says that someone here will just straight up deny non-being, because by definition, it is not. However, non-being can also be understood and is infact the next realization. Sahasrar (No Body stated) Activated by: Realization of Non-being He says maybe till Agya you could explain a bit in deluded ways but here it is completely impossible. So he doesn't say anything else about this. Final remarks: I am sharing cuz i find it p accurate cuz of my direct experiences. Just wanted to share cuz I can not find an english version of this video and this just too valuable relatively.

I have spoken on this guy in the past addressing his radical claims. He has a kriya meditation on YouTube which (honestly) really isn't great so I decided to test the waters with his work further. I have recently been 'consecrated' by him into the Shambavi Mahamudra Kriya and I would like to share what I experienced. Well firstly, there was a massive difference in doing the meditation with him than doing it alone. I was consecrated online but the day it happened the meditation was 'explosive' to say the least, it genuinely left me trembling, the next few days it was much lighter though still very powerful. Anytime the dude clapped his hands, I could feel my energies going crazy. He made some radical claims (again) throughout the sessions and I hope to confirm them. He said that over a certain period of time, you will hit a layer of being called the bliss body and burst into ecstasy. With consistent practice, it will become your natural state, A perpetual state of orgasm... Further the meditation is dubbed to have tremendous healing capacities because it puts you in touch with the 'source'. Actually there are some scientific studies on this. There were innumerable other physiological, psychological and spiritual benefits mentioned by him. Six months was the time frame given. He said that you will not recognise yourself in six months. Your consciousness will be that different. I guess I will update you guys in a few months, but so far it truly has been amazing. He said if enlightenment is of interest, then it is important to seek consistently but he also said that if one doesn't make it and has been initiated or consecrated by him - they have nothing to worry about. He essentially said that he will deal with you after you die and you will not take on another body, the game is over. Again, I have yet to confirm these and am practicing consistently to do so. I mention this here because I am curious to hear if anyone else has had an experience with him and also what you guys think of him? Also, has anyone else who has been consecrated with this particular kriya (long before I have), started to experience any of these more profound benefits?

Oneness is such a complex "thing" for the human mind to understand. It isn't even a thing or a concept. It's what reality IS. It is ONE. Always. Whether you're aware of it or not. Of course awareness of "it" matters in the way you feel on the inside. If you're aware of the nature of reality -- that all is one, that everything is your own creation, self-designed by you as Oneness/God/Love/Infinite Consciousness -- then you can't help but feel good. That's at least my experience. However, this truth is also hard to swallow for the untranscended ego-person. Cos the truth unveils its illusory nature: There is no separate self, except for the mind-like-idea of there being one. So to see it requires surrendering, letting go. And it ain't easy to let go. To let go, to surrender to each present moment, is an artform that requires practice, and daily consciousness-work I'd say. "My enlightenment" on 2cb half a year ago in a sneaky way made me feel superior, perfect, untouchable, like God/Jesus walking around in human form. I neglected my shadow, I didn't acknowledge it. I didn't even had it as a possibility that I could ever be depressed again, haha. So fucking arrogant, a bit of spiritual ego, so much unconsciousness of the greater themes playing out, yet feeling like I knew it all! I didn't meditate on a daily basis (in fact I didn't meditate much even) and of course hubris hit me in the sense that my ego got to slowly take back control in unconscious ways. My lower self got back to work, so to speak, and this included feelings and thoughts of being a separate self that needed x,y and z go to be happy, that could truly never be fulfilled, but only be hurt and damaged. So I got into the lowest stages of emotional development of enneagram type 5, which included self-isolation, bad sleep, no meditation, suicidal thoughts, crying a lot, feeling like everything is pointless, and myself feeling completely worthless. In short, my knowledge of Oneness/Love/God was hidden far away in my mind. Sure, I still knew it, but I didn't feel whole and at peace. And feelings/emotions is what truly matters, not knowledge. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good lately. Been on a regular meditation practice for some weeks now, 30min 1-2 times daily. Had a few deeply healing 2cb trips as of late, as well as my changa trip yesterday, which in a sense felt just as deep, if not deeper, than my 2cb enlightenment trip half a year ago. Self-design on a very deep level was realized, which I sort of had realized before, but just on a deeper level this time. Such a relief. Pure healing for the soul to see that it was a conscious choice to "get into life" and that everything is going exactly as it should be (God makes no mistakes). Divine perfection. The answer and purpose always being Infinite Love. I was at the peak infused with Cosmic (Self-) Love through my mouth into my body by some very intelligent extra dimensional beings, which I of course also knew were me/my imagination, but I nevertheless deeply thanked them. I then for a long time was in this dimension/level of consciousness beyond ordinary life, where all the blueprints, engineering of life/physical reality is going on. It felt like pure bliss to see the perfection and intelligence behind it all. Such a relief. Such healing for the soul. I could change anything I wanted, yet I also realized nothing dramatically really needed to change. I agreed with the beings in this dimension that I'd like less OCD and more confidence in regards to my personality, and it sort of seem to have worked (early days still hehe). It's interesting to wonder about how much one's brain's neuroplasticity is increased during such a DMT breakthrough, or any psychedelic break through for that matter. Must be a fucking lot. An other characteristic of this "headspace"/dimension/level of consciousness, was how it felt like coming home. This is a state We are all so familiar with; I even suppose this is what deep sleep is, just without any remembering of it when you wake up. I intuitively knew I had been here many many times before, designing physical reality, life, personality, destinies. I even realized I had been here before on DMT before, also ayahuasca, also 2CB, but this was the "first time" I was "allowed" to retain deep knowledge lf it. This break through changa trip lasted almost an hour for me, which is 4-5 times longer than pure DMT. Pretty remarkable. In the early stages of my depression half a year ago I had s traumatizing changa trip where I felt my soul/mind was burned, raped by the universe. Surely kickstarted the deeper depths of my depression. Made me doubt everything. Actually, what it was, was that it was Infinite Love, but I at that time just weren't able to surrender to it/let go. Everything is Infinite Love, but it can feel like hell if you don't trust "it"/cant let go/are unable to surrender to it. This time I struggled in the first few minutes, but eventually managed to let go. Dno how. Mystery. Probably relates to how conscious you are before going in, and how healthy and prepareded your body-mind is on s bothe physical and spiritual level. Of course even not being able to let go is infinite love. Anyway, all this depression has been extremely humbling for me. I will take better care of "myself" moving forward. I will prioritize sleep, meditation, exercise, social relations, healthy eating. These things are extremely important if you want to be a vessel for Love. Just my few cents:D Enlightenment is infinite. I dno if I consider myself enlightened, I surely did back then. Now, it seems a bit more silly to say:D I now see the depression as Love, but I surely didn't in the midst of it; except somewhere deep in me I probably knew, just like everyone does all the time;) I don't think I per se got attached to pleasure or pain. Or in some ways I probably did. In the beginning of my depression I'd eat lots of candy/cake to dull my depression (attached to pleasure) and in the peak of my depression with daily crying and daily suicidal thoughts I surely was attached to pain/suffering in some way.

Yea, I understand. Years ago I was much more tryhard, trying to read and understand all sort of things. Even if I didn't feel like doing that so much in the moment, sometimes I would push myself to do something in order to get something. A lot of that, needless to say, wasn't really coming from a relaxed or joyous place. If you do something with for example anxiety, like a restless energy, what energy are you anchoring within yourself there? Of course more of that restless, tryhard, anxious energy. That's not a very advanced feeling/state. How I see it, whatever you are choosing is what you'll be getting more and more of. If an anxious drive is what you chose, you become more of that and you'll live more in that world. If you look at all you can do now, and choose what option contains most joy, bliss, peace, curiosity, etc, then the more you make that your world. And aren't these feelings of relaxation, well-being, joy, excitement, etc, higher "stage" energies? So I would say that if you want to become the most advanced version of yourself, then especially you would act on the option with the best feeling in it. That can in some moments just be calling up a friend, taking a walk, etc. I would say that if you chose the path that makes you feel best in every moment, you'll end up in the best feeling state. I would relax more, act less from your head and more from what feels best.

It doesn't matter whether seeking occurs or not because there is no goal or end result that needs to occur. When the body dies, there won't be a memory of the suffering or the bliss that was experienced. There won't even be the slightest remembrance of existence. It simply can't be done right or wrong, because right & wrong are conditioned concepts ultimately lacking in reality. ❤

Where does one begin the search for spiritual truth self-realization called enlightenment? Dr. David Hawkins’ List Below has been calibrated above 500, which is unconditional love. I find this list important, as I do not want to be duped (smile) on my spiritual path by any book or teacher not yet teaching from the conscious level of (500+ which is unconditional non-duality love.) Hawkins’ Consciousness Scale ranges from 0-1000, (1000 is the Highest Level of pure/consciousness humanly possible.) “The great avatars that set the ultimate paradigm of reality and standard of conduct for all of humanity for thousands of years. Of those, the Lords Krishna, Buddha, Zoroaster, and Jesus Christ all calibrate at 1,000. All the names for Divinity calibrate as Infinity. The revered great sages and their teachings calibrate in the 700 (extremely rare), such Huang Po and Ramana Maharshi.” -Hawkins After being a student of Dr. Hawkins for a while now, I can share with you that I have forever been changed by his love. Although I’m not yet Enlightened I’m certainly on the path and nothing would take me off it, as I have discovered God’s Love is my LIFE. According to Hawkins we, as humans, live at vastly different “levels” of consciousness. All these levels, along with the “truth level” of ANY true/false style inquiry, can be tested for truth and numerically “calibrated” through muscle testing, on a logarithmic scale of 1-1000. According to Hawkins, any person, concept, thought or object that calibrates at 200 (The level of Integrity) or above is positive (“power”); anything below 200 is negative (“force”). So far, so good. Hawkins’ “map of the levels of human consciousness” is highly consistent with most spiritual teachings, running the range from Shame (lowest) to Enlightenment (highest). Hawkins’ descriptions of the levels are accurate; his personal growth coverage , positive energy and similar concepts are spiritually sound. (This is further discussed in Dr. David Hawkins book, Power vs. Force) Below is Dr. David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D. ‘List’ of calibrated Spiritual Teachers/Teachings/Places/Books and Mantras that are over the conscious level of 500 UNCONDITIONAL LOVE: [500] – LOVE This level is categorized by love that is very close to being unconditional, unchanging, and permanent. It does not fluctuate nor does it depend on external factors. Love is a state of being. It is a forgiving, nurturing, and a supportive way of relating to the world. It is not intellectual and does not come from the human mind. Love radiates from the heart Chakra. It has the capacity to life others and accomplishes great feats because of its purity of motive. At this level of consciousness, the capacity to discern essence becomes predominant. The core of an issue becomes the center of focus. As reason is bypassed, there arises the capacity for instantaneous recognition of the totality of a problem. Reason only deals with particulars, whereas Love deals with entireties. This ability, often called intuition, is the capacity for instantaneous understanding without resorting to sequential symbol processing. There is a major paradigm shift in those things, which seemed real, which now seem unreal and vice versa. This level opens to door to benevolence, mercy, and Forgiveness through understanding and nonjudgmental. Only 4% of the entire population of the earth attains this level. Because of the dominating power of light over darkness, one individual at this level counterbalances 750,000 people below the 200 levels. This is the level at which spirituality starts, since below this, individuals are still caught up in the linear world. Also the level of a songbird’s song, cat’s purr, and a dog’s wagging tail. [505] – The level of valor. Also the level of Dante. [510] – The current level of Catholicism. Also the level of the Ganges River, which demonstrates the power of spiritual intention, the power of prayer. It calibrates there despite having sewage from 100 metropolitan areas, all kinds of filth, even bodies. [520] – This level interestingly sees much country music, which may be due to the lyrics often speaking about the problems of the heart, emotionally speaking. [535] – The energy level of Christmas, which is probably due to the common practice of giving gifts to others and having festive celebrations with good tidings. [540] – Joy – At this level, love truly becomes unconditional. It becomes experienced as inner joy. This is not the sudden feeling of joy because of a turn of events. Rather, it is a constant accompaniment in everything the individual does in every moment of his or her life. Joy comes from each moment of existence. This is also the level of healing and spiritually based self-help groups. What has been known as ‘miracles’ occurs when someone is at this level of consciousness. Only 0.4% of the global population is at this level. This is also the level of truth of Christian practice in the 6th century AD. This is the level at which the third eye opens, physically known as the Pineal Gland. Devotional acts calibrate at 540, because of the power of their intention. Includes folding hands in prayer, kneeling to pray, genuflection, praying at the Wailing Wall, turning a prayer wheel, etc. [540+] – From this level upward, it is the domain of saints, advanced spiritual students, and healers. A capacity for enormous patience and the persistence of a positive attitude in the face of prolonged adversity is characteristic of this level. The hallmark of this state is Compassion. [540] – The calibration of the music of George Harrison, on an overall basis. Also the level of Socrates. [540-600] – This level of consciousness is reached after a person has a Near Death Experience, which are spiritually transformative and allowed individuals to quickly get to this level. At this level, the world seems illuminated by the beauty and perfection of creation. Everything happens effortlessly, by synchronicity, and the world and everything in it is seen to be an expression of love and divinity. A Presence is felt whose power facilitates phenomena outside conventional expectations of reality, and often termed ‘miraculous’ by the ordinary observer. The spiritual teachers in this level are the ones who have the most contact with significant numbers of people. At this level, joy leads many to become spiritual and inspirational teachers, healers, great artists, or even architects who create the great cathedrals that involve sacred geometry, great inspirational music, and the production of beauty in all its forms. Many major persuasions of Christianity including Roman Catholicism, Anglicanism, Christian Science, and many small denominations such as the Quakers calibrate on this level. [560] – Carl Jung was at this level. Sigmund Freud was below the level of 500 because of his denial of man’s spirituality, whereas Jung affirmed the spiritual nature of human beings. [575] – The level consciousness of ecstasy. [600]- A Course in Miracles (Workbook year of 365 days of lessons.) According to David Hawkins, ACIM calibrates around 600+, making it very factual, and quite enlightening. Here is what Hawkins says about the Bible: Quote: The Old Testament calibrates at only 190. However, Genesis is at 660, Psalms is 650, Proverbs is 350. If these are excluded then the remaining Old Testament calibrates at only 125. The New Testament calibrates at 640. However if Revelations were removed (calibrates at only 70) then the New Testament would calibrate at 790. The current bible calibrates at 475 as a whole. To make it authentically “Holy” as the title implies, it would have to exclude all of the books of the Old Testament (except Genesis, Psalms and Proverbs) and Revelations. If that were done, then the bible would be truly “Holy” and calibrate at over 740. Importantly, the Lamsa version of the bible (Translated from Aramaic, Jesus’ language) is more accurate than the King James Version (translated from Greek). It calibrates 20 points higher. If the Lamsa bible excluded the old testament (except Genesis, Psalms, Proverbs) and revelations it would calibrate at 810. If Revelations were removed from the Lamsa version of the New Testament, it would calibrate at a whopping 880. Society calibrates at 204 I think he said, with great minds on earth calibrating around 499-510 ranges. So at least according to Hawkins, ACIM is very important and highly relevant work. Hawkins own books calibrate from 850-999.5 ranges them, with 1000 being maximum for humanity – that is what Jesus was when he was walking the earth. Hawkins further says that in his calibration studies, students of ACIM at lesson 75 become “Immune” to negative stimuli. He says that this seems to be the critical point in the studies, but that they must be followed from 1-75 before it all really clicks for people. [600] – Peace – This level is associated with the experience designated by such terms as transcendence, Self-Realization, and Christ consciousness. It is extremely rare. Only 1 in 10,000,000 attain this at any given time. It is quite common that individuals at this level remove themselves from society, as the state of bliss that ensues precludes ordinary activity. Some become spiritual teachers; others work anonymously for the betterment of mankind. A few also become great geniuses in their respective fields and make major contributions to society. These individuals are saintly and may eventually be officially designated as such, although at this level, formal religion is commonly transcended and replaced by pure spirituality, from which religions originated. Bliss intervenes at this level and worldly activities stop, sometimes permanently. This level is also noted for the crossing over from the perceptual world of duality, to the perceptual world of Nonduality. Beyond this level, previous lives are easily remembered as well as the circumstances and significance of each life. One individual at this level counterbalances 10,000,000 below the level of 200. Perception at this level is reported as sometimes occurring in seemingly slow motion, suspended in time and space. Nothing is stationary and all is alive and radiant. Although this world is the same one that is seen by others, it has become continuously fluid, evolving in an exquisitely coordinated evolutionary dance in which significance and source are overwhelming. There is an infinite silence in the mind, which has stopped conceptualizing. Enlightenment is reached at levels 600 and higher. A Tibetan abbot once said that Peace is of the greatest importance in our world today. In the absence of peace, we lose what we have gained. In the presence of peace, all things are possible: love, compassion, and forgiveness. Peace is the source of all things. This is also the level of kinesiology. [605]- The level of the Kabbalah and Aurobindo. It is a set of esoteric teachings meant to explain the relationship between an eternal/mysterious Creator and the mortal/finite universe. [610] – The level of Lao Tzu and his teachings. [630] – The calibration of the phrase Om Namaha Shivaya. [640] – The King James Version of the New Testament. [650] – The Book of Psalms. Also the level of ‘I AM’ awareness and Awareness of the ‘I’ as being or is-ness. Also the level of “Shanti Shanti Shanti”. The Lord’s Prayer also calibrates on this level. [660] – The perception of the Self as simply Existence. [700-1000] – Self-Realization and Enlightenment – An individual at this level counterbalances the negativity of 70,000,000 individuals below the level of 200. This is also the level of Sages. The Self is seen as God Manifest. The Declaration of Independence resonates at this level. The Koran also resonates at this level, as it was written before the fall of Mohamed after he ‘took up the sword’. [700s] – The Aura emanating from individuals calibrating at this level has an attraction and an effect on visitors. They like to be near the presence of these individuals because they feel incredible inner peace. Serenity replaces fear and anxiety in those who are around individuals on this level. A typical statement given by a person on this level would be something like “There is no world to save; reality is just an illusion.” A statement such as this is not understandable to most at lower levels. [700] – The level of the phrase Om Mane Padme Hum [705] – The level of the Rig Veda [700+] – There are 22 sages on this planet who calibrate at this level or higher, according to Dr. Hawkins. Of those, 20 of them are at 800 or more, of whom there are 10 at or over 900, and one sage at 990. [740] – The mantra Om, as opposed to Aum, which is a serious alternation and is why it calibrates at the extremely low-level of 65. This is also the level of the New Testament, if the Book of Revelations is included. This is also the level of Mohamed at the time he wrote the Koran, before dropping to 130 after he ‘took up the sword’ at age 38. ‘I’ is seen as a total statement As the Ultimate Reality. [750] – Manifestation calibrates at this level. What appears to be change is the emergence of potentiality out of essence into manifestation. This is also the level of the Lamsa translation of the New Testament from Aramaic. [760] – Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi [780] – The Heart Sutra and the Lotus Sutra. [795] – Bodhidharma as well as the Zen teachings. [800] – Teacher of Enlightenment. [800s] – There is not much that is known about this level range. However, it is seen that salvation of all of humanity is a main priority and concern. [810] – The level of Ramayana [840] – The Self is seen as Beyond Existence or Nonexistence. [850] – The higher Self as Logos. This is also the level of Hinduism currently. Also the level of Void, Oneness, Nothingness, Reality as Consciousness, and Reality as Awareness. [855] – The level of Allness [890] – Hinayana Buddhism (lesser vehicle) and Zen Buddhism. [800s and 900s] – Salvation of humanity as a whole is of primary concern. Spiritual reality, essences, and understandings are of importance. Form and its details are irrelevant except as a necessary style for communication. Physical discomfort starts to increase quite visibly in these levels of consciousness. [900] – Buddhism was this level in the 6th century AD. The teachings of this particular religion have deteriorated less than any other religion. [910] – The Bhagavad-Gita [930] – the level of the esoteric teachings of Jesus Christ as of the 2nd century AD, some of which survived in the Gnostic texts. “After my departure there will arise the ignorant and the crafty, and many things will they ascribe unto Me that I never spake, and many things which I did speak will they withhold, but the day will come when the clouds shall be rolled away, and the Sun of Righteousness shall shine forth with healing in his wings.” ~Jesus, The Essene Gospel of Peace. [960] – Mahayana Buddhism (greater vehicle). Also the level of Huang Po (his book “Dharma of Mind Transmission” is at the level of the void 850, and was written before Po transcended to 960). [965] – The Buddha’s Law of Dependent Origination or Interdependent Co-Creation. [965] – Transcending the Levels of Consciousness, by David R. Hawkins [970] – The Upanishads The Upanishads -are Hindu scriptures that constitute the core teachings of Vedanta. The Upanishads have exerted an important influence on the Hindu philosophy and were collectively considered one of the 100 Most Influential Books Ever Written by the British poet Martin Seymour-Smith. [985] – This is the level of an Avatar. [990] – There is only one living sage at this level, according to Dr. Hawkins. [999] – The statement “There is no cause of anything” calibrates at this level. [1000] – This is the maximum energy level that can be tolerated by the human body and nervous system. It is the extremely rare level of avatars from ages past. No human has ever existed with a consciousness calibration higher than 1000. The archetypes Christ, Buddha, and Krishna are at this level. This state is also the existence of Buddhahood, Christ Consciousness, At-Oneness with the Source Manifest and Unmanifest. Beyond the human realm of consciousness possibility: [1000+] – Buddhahood, Brahman, Christ, Krishna, The ‘I’ of Ultimate Reality. Infinity – The Source of reality manifest as divinity. The supreme creation Source of consciousness eternal. The Source of all that is. Interesting Facts Concerning consciousness calibration, there are some very interesting facts. * Powerful patterns are associated with health; weak patterns are associated with sickness. Every thought, emotion, word & action has one pattern or the other. Every moment of our day we are either moving towards health or sickness. * Everything calibrates at certain levels from weak to high including books, food, water, clothes, people, animals, buildings, cars, movies, sports, music etc. * A good amount of the music today calibrates at levels below 200. Hence it leads to behavior associated with lower energy levels of consciousness. * Most movies will weaken people who watch them by bringing their energy levels down below the 200 level of consciousness. * 85% of the human race calibrates below the critical level of 200. * The power of the few individuals at the top counterbalances the weakness of the masses. o 1 individual at level 300 counterbalances 90,000 individuals below level 200 o 1 individual at level 400 counterbalances 400,000 individuals below level 200 o 1 individual at level 500 counterbalances 750,000 individuals below level 200 o 1 individual at level 600 counterbalances 10 million individuals below level 200 o 1 individual at level 700 counterbalances 70 million individuals below level 200 o 12 individuals at level 700 equal one Avatar (eg. Buddha, Jesus, Krishna) at level 1,000 * Any meaningful human satisfaction cannot even commence until the level of 250 where some degree of self-confidence begins to emerge. * When one’s consciousness falls below 200 at any given moment you start to lose power and thus grow weaker and more prone to be manipulated by one’s surroundings. * Parts of one’s life will calibrate at a higher level of consciousness while other parts will calibrate a lower levels. It’s the overall average that determines one’s consciousness. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ List of Books – muscle tested by D. Hawkins BOOKS Bhagavad-Gita 910 Vedas 910 Zohar 720 Ramayana 810 Mahabarata 780 Kabala 720 Apocrypha 740 Tora 740 Koran 700 Heart Sutra 780 Lotus Sutra 780 Diamond Sutra 700 Gospel of Thomas 660 Dead Sea Scrolls 650 Book of Kells 570 Vedanta 595 King James bible 475 Lamsa bible 495 Genesis (Lamsa) 660 Psalms 650 Proverbs 350 New Testament (KJ) 640 Lamsa bible (minus Old Testament& revelations, but including Genesis, Psalms, & Proverbs 880 Tibetan Book of the Dead 575 San Hedron 240 Yoga sutras (Patanjali) 630 A Cource In Miracles 600 Book of Mormon 510 SPIRITUAL PRACTICES Christian communion 700 Transcendental Meditation 220 Qiqong 195 Tai chi 310 Hatha yoga 260 Kung Fu 410 Rebirthing 250 Est 400 Sedona Releasing 490 Avatar workshops 245 Seth books 470 Reiki 285 Scientology 195 Rosicrucian 405 Science of Mind 405 I Ching 430 Theosophy 365 Druids 450 PRAYERS AND MANTRAS Lord’s Prayer 650 Om 740 Om Namaha Shivaya 630 Shanti Shanti 650 Om Mane Padme Hum 700 Gregorian Chants 595 Japa 525 Jesus’ Prayer 525 Rosary 515 Prayer of Jabez 310 Cursing (Lord’s name in vain) 45 Damning people to hell 15 Ankh (symbol) 160 Shaktipat Energy 160 SPIRITUAL CONCEPTS “None get to heaven but by me” 940 Eye of the I 900 I (as divinity) 980/998 I (as allness) 990 I (as void) 990 I (as supreme) 1000 Buddha Nature 1000 Justice 380 Justice as “eye for an eye” 375 Theology 460 RELIGIONS BUDDHISM Mahayana 980 Zen 890 Hinayana 890 Lotus Land 740 Tantric 515 Tibetan 490 Won 405 CHRISTIANITY 1st Century 980 After Council of Nicea 485 College of Cardinals 490 Papacy 570 Coptic 475 Born Again 350 Gnostic 290 Modern Protestantism 510 Christian Science 410 Modern Catholicism 440 Jesuit Order 440 Catholic position on pedophelia 90 Amish 375 Quakers 505 Unity 540 Pentacostal 310 Puritan 210 TV Evangelist 205 LDS (Mormon) 390 7th Day Adventist 190 Right Wing fundamentalist 95 Right wing fund. Tv evang. 90 Jehovah’s Witness 195 HINDU Ancient 700 Modern 499 Hari Krishna 460 Subud 470 Sikh 420 Tamal Siddha Vedanta 330 Raja Yoga 485 Sahaj Marg 410 Jainism 495 Islam 700 Current Mohamadism 325 Muslims 205 Shiite Muslims 55 Judaism (modern) 530 Shinto 350 Taoism 500 Unification Church 150 Wicca 160 New Ageism 185 NAMES OF GOD Buddha Nature (as allness) 1000 Buddha Nature (as void) 980 Native American Great Spirit 850 Yahweh 460 Jehovah 205 Elohim 100 God of Old Testament 100 Greek Gods 90 Germanic Gods 90 Scandinavian Gods 90 Gods of War 90 Pagan Gods 100 Name of God as “OM” tests negative God Transcendent 1000 God Immanent 1000 SPIRITUAL TITLES Master 700 Saint 700 Lord 1000 Angels 550 Archangels 50,000 Enlightenment 600 Teacher of the Way to Enlightenment 800 Pope 570 True Guru 540 + Guru (prior to 1960’s) 540 Guru (since the ’60’s) 190 Baba 190 SPIRITUAL TEACHER CALIBRATIONS Avatars Jesus Christ 1000 Buddha 1000 Krishna 1000 Zoroaster 1000 Spiritual Teachers Huang Po 960 Gandhi 760 Mother Theresa 710 Meister Eckhart 700 Chief Detroit 650 Karmapa 630 Muktananda 750 Vivekananda 610 Ramakrishna 620 Rabbi Moses de Leon 720 Nisargadatta Maharaj 720 Ramana Maharshi 720 Ramesh Balsekar 760 Confucius 590 St. Patrick 590 Wallace Black Elk 499 John Calvin 580 John Wesley 360 Martin Luther 580 Dalai Lama 570 Maharishi Mahesh Yogi 410 Robert Powell 575 Joel Goldsmith 455 HWL Poonja 370 Wei Wu Wei 475 Charles Filmore 485 Padmasambava 595 Satchitananda 605 Meher Baba 240 Sri Karumay 221 Tenzin Gyaltsen 599 Alice Bailey 445 Vernon Howard 455 Patanjali 660 Peter Ousepensky 335 Robert Schuller 405 Thich Naht Hahn 460 Nostradamus 220 Yogananda 540 Lao Tzu 520 Alan Watts 485 John Blofield 465 Poonjaji 520 Bernadette Roberts 445 Ram Das 420 Chungliang Al Huang 405 C.W. Leadbetter 485 John Bradshaw 460 M Scott Peck 475 Gangaji 475 Joseph Smith 520 Emmett Fox 470 Thomas Merton 520 Hazrat Khan 499 Sant Thahar Singh 315 C.S. Lewis 390 Sri Siva (Sri Guruji) 220 Joseph Campbell 410 Source: Dr. David Hawkins numerous books and seminars including Power Vs. Force and Dr. Hawkins June 28 2003 Sedona Seminar. Gloria in Excelsis Deo! Source: https://nancybragin.com/2012/12/29/dr-david-hawkins-calibrated-reading-list/ NAMASTE

Be careful to distinguish realisation for more beliefs. Believing that you are God, is very different to realising you are God. Belief can actually lead to overly nihilistic outlooks on life. Look at church for example. All their beliefs in having an awesome life, makes their life shit. The moment you truly realise you are God, you will experience bliss that you cannot currently fathom or comprehend. Consciousness is not the same as knowledge ...initially

@SM-OConnor As you mentioned when your consciousness shifted to God levels of consciousness you felt pure Divine Bliss or we can also say Love - infinity which is identical - is your true nature. Yet since you were still in human form consciousness can drift between states and in those states - where you are almost in between but still directly conscious of oneness - that's when it is tough. But once you come all the way back to a normal state of consciousness - a dualistic state - it should get better and return to normal. Backlash should subside after some time. This is because - just as you do when you dream at night - you are placed in a state of consciousness to where the dream is real. Where there is a distinction between self and other. So in a normal state what your ego may be doing is twisting it into dread so that you run as far away from spirituality as possible. But notice it's only "bad" relative to the ego's bias, because if everything is one it will lose its identity. The ego also has a tendency to make it something "good" too and grab Godhood for itself haha. Anyways the main point is that as God you have infinite imagination, which means you have the ability to fall back asleep whenever you want - and when you do - the dream becomes real as you are no longer going meta or stepping outside the dream. This shift between duality and non-dual awareness is a craft that will take you some time to mold. But also you must try not to have a bias towards aloneness or oneness or at least go meta and notice that for what it is and be at peace with that Btw I'm doing it right now myself otherwise i wouldn't be able to have this conversation. I am immersed totally within the dream like a fish in water... I do it seamlessly. It is only if i go meta - which I just did right now - and shift my consciousness, that i will be conscious you are imaginary.

Extreme sadness, loneliness, and existential dread. These seem to be the results of my psychedelic trips and introspection. I understand I am God, and this reality is my own manifestation. During the peak of my trips I even felt the extraordinary bliss and pleasure of it. Yet, I cannot help but be haunted by the very dark implications of being utterly alone... and accepting that everything and everyone I ever loved are just figments of my imagination. Some guidance on how to deal with this, would be very much appreciated. My sincere thanks.

@DocWatts Good observations, and all valid from the perspective of what humans think we need. Sadly, it is endogenous to our species that what we think we need rarely matches what we actually need. Of course there are basic survival needs, beyond which we couldn't exist. But most of what makes us miserable is the misunderstanding of who we are. When we let go of thought, and realize our true nature, it becomes clear that, as Consciousness, we are already infinitely abundant. The reason for our suffering is the egoic insistence on looking for happiness outside of ourselves, when all along the bliss is already here.

Thursday 25/03/2021 14:47 Some strange deja vu feelings. Depression flared up with a particular flavour that I recognise. Maybe it's the time I woke up, the healthy food I ate and I'm currently hungry, the warmer temperature outside. Why was I dragged into life with any of this I wonder? Why did any of this happen? Why were my senses of reality uprooted as far back as I can remember? Why was I ever brainwashed with Islam? Why did I ever get bliss from it? Why did I ever develop an existential depression? I just rewind this unfolding and all I see are dominos and inevitably, forced into a path and fate before I could comprehend what was even going on. None of it makes sense. And for no apparent reason, I just feel the strangest feelings I haven't felt in a long time. And when these particular feelings come back, it feels like some of my memory also returns to me. These feelings. These feelings are the old form of how my depression used to feel. In a sense it feels purer, but it feels more heavy and totalistic because of that. Now I remember why or what I ever used to be explicitly suicidal for, now that I at least temporarily have these dimensions of my emotion returned to me. In this particular moment, I feel like my old self and feeling. Which you would assume is good but what it does to me is just remind me how fragmented and discontinuous I am. All these images and memories, past versions of myself, it all feels like one crazy or one bad trip. My life feels like one crazy bad dream. Maybe because I desired it so I now, at least right now, feel these feelings I had lost or forgotten. But now I feel more anxiety and fear from it. This was the anxiety and fear I turned my back on, cauterised myself to and ran away from. This pain is intense but...I also feel happy on some level for feeling what I thought was lost. This anxiety and uncertainty is intense. My recovered dimensions of emotion may pass away now, but I hope not. Honestly speaking, I could die happy like this. I'm grateful that I have my old feelings and dimensions of emotion in this moment, even if it is in the form of anxiety, and this feels like a "me" I wouldn't mind dying as. I'll take it any day over my cauterised self. I feel back in time 2-3 years ago. Some point 1-2 years ago, I have a blackout in perception corresponding to my antidepressant shenanigans. I think I'm maybe starting to understand things a bit better. I ended up cauterising myself because I couldn't handle this intense anxiety. The cost of shoving down and repressing my anxiety was the loss of liveliness and sensitivity. A tragic shame really, but I understand it. In a tragic sense, I did a mini suicide to myself already. With this currently alert and aware brain, I can see why. All I'm at right now, in this particular moment, is a visit to my state back in time. Whether I stay here I don't know. The chains of the past are both important to understand but move on from. Having this experience now makes me the more weary to arrive or finish something, dont know what that something is. Weary to overcome these chains -- I feel the flavour of my original depression, like sent back in time. I feel like a time traveller almost, sent back in time to correct the mistakes I made. Maybe this was the reason I was subconsciously attracted to this song I would listen to over and over on repeat. It wasn't until just now that I don't think I realised what the English translation lyrics of the song even meant, even though I skimmed over it. But the idea just popped into my head randomly now. I read the lyrics translations but my brain never interpreted or put the right pieces together. https://bakemonogatari.fandom.com/wiki/Decent_Black I probably interpreted this correctly the first time I read it a while ago, but my brain just now reframed and regrouped what sentences I put together to fit what I feel. Now I'm reading it as "Let's find the answer, regrets and mistakes" rather than just finding the answer (and not finding the regret and mistake). -- This primal fear and anxiety I feel, my mistake was running away from it. Well, now I feel it. Boy is it hard to deal with though

It's like the most esoteric thing ever man. Hard to grasp. And also it's hard to recognise the benefits of it. I've had tiny visions and insights what it's like to get to the point Leo's at. Leo's more advanced than a lot of people realise. To live in complete and utter bliss. People don't realise what awakening really means. It's hard to get it like, which is why most of the time people who end up actually getting enlightened, usually start off with a shit mind or start with a life filled with unfulfillment, pain or suffering