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Thoughtlessness. Which is “nothingness” or “being” and “now”. Thats why nothingness can not be experienced, can just be.

Nothingness - Existence - Nothingness - Existence - Nothingness ... And so to infinity. A wave is made up of troughs and crests; and they always follow each other

Shadow process: Scared of commitment (I can’t really explain this process. I just ask questions or write them down and answers come. I don’t really know how it works but whatever ‘intuition’ I’m ‘communicating’ with is always so benevolent and healing.) Dear super constricted feeling in my belly and chest, I’m able to turn towards you now. I want to find out everything about your purpose, I want to listen closely to what you have to say even though I’m really freaking tired. Please share your wisdom with me. I feel so uptight whenever you visit me, my breath is constricted and I just want to break free. I do all kinds of crazy things then instead of just turning towards you and asking you why you’re here. I don’t want to do some kind of mental gymnastics or reframe things. I want to see the root of this. Why can’t I breathe properly? “Because you think a feeling can constrict your breathing” (Taking a moment to relax my shoulders, sit upright and breathe deeply) Why do you feel so intense on my left side? “Your left side is your feminine side.” Why do you always arise at the point where it’s about being in a relationship or not? “To get you out of some old believes” Which believes? “That relationships need to be certain way.” They don’t? “You keep projecting your mothers relationship with you onto every person you meet. This has nothing to do with the reality of what relationships could be.” Thank you for telling me. I love you. I see you’re hurting. “I’ve been hurting for years.” Why don’t I always feel you then? “You do always feel me. Every time a guy comes into your life you’re confronted with the same problem. You’re just not getting on to the clue.” What’s the clue? “Not everyone’s like your mom.” Do I project that onto people? “Yes. You think they’re insensitive, they’ll make fun of you, they won’t be there for you, they won’t care for you properly.” *emotional outburst* SHE WAS RIGHT FUCKING THERE WHEN I WAS GETTING HIT AND HURT SHE KNEW! SHE FUCKING KNEW AND TURNED AWAY ANYWAYS SHE ALWAYS TURNED AWAY EVEN WHEN I BEGGED HER TO FUCKING LOOK NO ONE EVER CONTAINED MY EMOTIONS I ALWAYS HAD TO DO IT MYSELF NO ONE EVER CAME NO ONE EVER CAME WHEN I WAS CRYING IN MY ROOM I LEARNED TO DEAL WITH THINGS DAMN WELL BY MYSELF THANK YOU VERY MUCH I’d rather not have a love life than going through this pain ever again. It’s not worth it. “So there you go. That’s your allergic reaction” Crying myself into nothingness felt like an endless pit to fall into, with nothing and no one to catch you. Until you’re too exhausted and pass out. The next day, you find strategies to cope. Great way of growing up quickly. “It doesn’t need to be that way.” I tried to look at that problem for years. “But never with this amount of awareness, support and self-love.” I’m afraid of becoming whole. “I know.” So what do I do now? “Go to bed. You’re too tired for this now.” Next day: I’m here again. I didn’t sleep much but I think I can do this now. “You always think you have to do something, don’t you?” How else am I gonna solve this problem? “You don’t have to solve every problem yourself.” There’s this insane amount of distrust and disappointment towards my parents. I don’t even think I know what it feels like to be seen and taken care of. And now it’s too late. I’m an adult now. Can’t re-enact childhood and my parents aren’t gonna change to heal any of this. Is what happens to you in childhood a spell you can’t get rid of? “No, it’s the perfect setup for setting you free. You’d never know true freedom and true clarity if you didn’t experience the opposite before. Without contrast, there’s nothing to experience.” I’m not sure I’m doing this right. “Just keep going.” Soooo, you manifest on my feminine side because… “Receiving love freaks you out. You can’t give up control over the situation. You insist on being independent. Just look at your journal: “Independent” might be the most used word. It’s your number 1 value even.” Is independence wrong? “No, you just haven’t realised what independence really is.” What is it, really? “Being free to experience every flavour of life without making it about you. Being in the world, but not of it. Realise the nothingness you came from and thereby committing completely to this human experience. Committing to being you.” Why am I so freaked out about a relationship with this guy? “Because he’s great.” I knooooooowww! Why does that freak me out? “Cause he’d be able to see you much more deeply than anyone you’ve been with so far. He already has, in fact. And you remember these moments.” Yeah it terrifies me. The consistency and honesty with which he’s showing up is unbelievable. I can actually trust him. Which feels like a big slap in the face is just around the corner. That’s how it always was with my parents: I’d get myself back together, do my things for a while and after a few weeks I’d start opening up again. I so wanted to connect with them so I slowly tried. It felt really good and I started craving sharing my life and feelings with them. And then the moment I relaxed and let my guard down a bit, I’d be stabbed in the back with a hurtful comment about being lazy, stupid, unskilled,… And I promised I wouldn't fall into that trap ever again. But I did, again and again. “Ok. Ok. How long do you want to bask in that? That’s no longer the case, right? Your relationship with your parents is much different now, right?” True. It really has changed. “You feel safe now right?” Yeah “So what has changed?” I have changed “How?” I feel safe with myself now, so I don’t need to look for safety in them. I can interact with them without making it about me. I’m secure in myself, so they can’t hurt me anymore. “Oh. Security. Great word. Isn’t that what they call it? ‘Secure attachment’” Yeah. But I thought they meant to other people. “Secure attachment is a contradiction in case you haven’t noticed. What they mean is that a healthy relationship can only be built between two people who are thoroughly rooted in themselves. And you can do that now. You’re just not used to it. Which is why it feels a bit off in the beginning: You can’t believe how good it feels and you’re just waiting for the downfall. You don’t believe that relationships can be enhancing and serving your growth without hurting you. That’s why you’re avoiding this relationship: You can’t be hurt anymore, so you think you’re doing something wrong and that this is not a proper relationship.” That’s so funny. “You’re doing much better than you think.” Maybe the word ‘relationship’ just has too much old baggage for me. It reminds me of things that hurt me. How can I cut that string? “You don’t need to do that. Just realise your growth in the past years. You couldn’t get hurt even if you tried.” Why do I freak out about the word ‘relationship’? “Cause you think it comes with conditions. It’s not that the word comes first and it has requirements attached to it, so you adopt them when you adopt the word. Realise that the great feelings and space between you two comes first. It’s already there. And out of celebrating the beauty of it, out of pure joy, you give that space a name. But the name never changes the space.” That’s like exactly what he is doing. “That’s why it doesn’t feel constricting for him. He realises the label doesn’t change the space. Nor will it ever.” So why the label? “To acknowledge something really awesome. That’s what labels do. That’s why you have a name. A label doesn’t mean anything, it’s a celebration. Anything you can label doesn’t mean anything, it’s a celebration." Ok bro, getting real metaphysical here. “Yeah you like that, don’t you?” Yeah “So you’re getting hung up because you think there’s some kind of decision to make. There isn’t. You already decided you’re gonna meet again. The space between you is awesome. The word doesn’t have anything to do with the space. So try to find the ‘big decision’ you’re trying to make.” Why did I go on that date yesterday? “Cause it really really really worried you to a point where you couldn’t avoid this process anymore. It’s such an obvious sabotage that you could have never ignored.” Should I tell him I went on a date? “Being as honest as possible is always the best bet in a relationship. Besides: Like you could lie to people. You can’t. So you don’t have an option ;-) Do you still have any questions?” I’ll come back when I do. Thank you.

It seems like Perfect nothingness. As if nothing ever happened and never existed. It seems like there is no consciousness during deep sleep.. It's not even dark, black or empty.. It's so much nothing that even the concept of nothing isn't it..... What happens exactly during deep sleep? Ramana maharshi used to say 'you are closer to your true nature during deep sleep'. thoughts?

Space literally doesn't exist. Everything exists relative to everything else. If there exists one object in a universe is it possible for it to move in any direction? No, because there is nothing else to be relative to in terms of location. The single object literally exists perpetually in the center of that universe. Infinite nothing expanding outward forever on all sides. Create a universe with two objects and you can now move each object relative to eachother. So, the appearance of distance or space is created by the objects themselves, therefore it is a property of the objects. The mere existence of the second object creates the possibility of the appearance of space. The space in between has no properties. Nothing changed with the space itself, the only thing that changed from the first example universe is the existence of a second object. Space, distance, or dimensions implies the properties existing within nothingness. Nothingness has no properties, there are zero dimensions. There is only the appearance of dimensions because of relativity of things or objects that exist within nothingness. There is only ever present eternal nothing.

TL:DR Received Dzogchen oral transmission. Became aware of Awareness itself, which is Empty, Boundless, Vast and ever-present. Started entering nondual state of consciousness. Progression Received Dzogchen oral transmission. Turned on the music, and started ascending. After the first plateau, there was no sense of self. I tried to sense IAMness, but in vain. This may correspond to the stage of "Self and Ox transcended". There were 6 more, radically increasing in intensity. Then, after focusing awareness on itself, realization came. I have become aware of awareness itself. This realization is in fact so incredibly obvious, but, paradoxically, it's hidden in plain sight. Very hard to speak of this. Awareness of Awareness is now only available when things are relatively still, but it is clear that this is trainable. Now I know what I am, and what I have always been. Empty, Vast, Open Awareness. It is indeed Nothingness. It is also not located anywhere in space. The mind is still. I do not experience any intense bliss, or feel an alternation of consciousness in the previous sense - this is not necessary. This is a place of no desires, no needs, and no suffering. This is the first fruit of Dzogchen. Now, this state of knowledge has to be explored and sustained throughout movement of Form. This to me is the ultimate path. This is a place of true happiness, peace, and tranquility. How do you go from realization to confidence? It's by entering into that flow of pristine awareness knowing itself, and then sustaining that. Sustain the flow of mindfulness and awareness without distraction, without grasping. Maturity and confidence arises as the practice continues. Awareness is open like the clear sky. The moment I try to conceptualize or grasp it, it is contracted. But when I looked at the sky, it became clear that this Vastness is the true attribute of Awareness. Sometimes, I get spontaneous bliss, arising from moments of clarity and equanimity. Every experience is arising in this Emptiness. Awareness is not located in space, much like emotions and thoughts. There is often a strong knowledge that reality is a dream. When you identify with Awareness, there is no suffering. Pain and pleasure are seen as the are - without labelling them as good or bad. They are just what they are. There are degrees to this knowledge state - the more you practice sustaining rigpa, the less suffering you experience. Way to enter this state Relax into the Vast, Empty, sky-like Awareness, which is IAMness. Rest in IAMness without grasping or clinging. Further investigation Rigpa brings inner stillness, peace, equanimity, confidence, and freedom. I am slowly starting to disidentify with the mind and body, and identify with Empty Awareness. Because I know that this is my True Self. It is so fucking vast. You can take as much bliss as you want from it, but it is not that desirable anymore. When in rigpa, good and bad fade away - there is just a play of Form. Every experience is seen for what it is, without background conceptualization and labelling as good/bad. Old egoic habits are seen through, and slowly dismantled. That includes self-image, judging, resisting and looking away, demonizing, grasping/clinging. Every Form is, and has always been impermanent. On the other hand, Emptiness is unchanging and ever-present. Obstacles BUT, currently: Awareness is still restricted by individual consciousness There is a duality of Emptiness and Form This state does not arise in sleep. That will come later. For now everything given is more than enough, and the practice continues. Dzogchen could be defined as a way to relax completely. And this is true. This is the way to the ultimate relaxation, under all circumstances. Pristine Awareness is much like a mirror. A mirror reflects objects, but it is not affected by them. Pristine Awareness can be aware of an infinite number of forms, and it remains unchanged. I also realized that reality I experience is completely arbitrary. Over the last week, when abiding in rigpa, when I am aware of thought, sight, feeling, it is seen it for what it is - a form - and it doesn't move me, because it is neither good or bad. Glimpses of nonduality There is an ability to see Awareness as clearly as ever before. Now its effortlessly seen as Vast, Empty and present in every experience. Also, it is clear that every Form is reflected in it. What is different is that now, the boundary between Emptiness and Form can be dissolved. In this state, instead of awareness of form, there is just seeing/hearing/touching. There is an experience, but no experiencer. In fact, this duality is constructed by the mind, an can be stopped. Woke up and immediately relaxed into awareness of Awareness. And then slipped into nonduality, by stopping producing duality. Next steps Abiding in nonduality, and seeing what happens. By now, it is rather restricted in the sense that I am one with what I currently experience, and the knowledge comes after experience. But there are further stages to this process. The main practice is to explore nonduality, and look where it leads me.

@Adamq8 @GreenWoods consciousness is nothingness . Nothingness or consciousness can just be. As sleep, before birth and now. During your so called sleep or before birth, you are just being, there is no thoughts there as consciousness, or nothingness. Even word of nothingness is not nothing. Therefore nothingness or consciousness is just “being”. Therefore you can not experience consciousness or nothingness, you can just be. peace guys.

@GreenWoods just dont think, whatever left is what you are. Whatever you say above is just a thought. Where were you before birth, what happens to you when you sleep? Because consciousness is still a thought. If you can do it, do it. However, even if you experience nothingness while tripping and you say oh i am nothing thats not it. Because if you talk it comes from mind, you can just “be”.

There is no such a thing as conscious or unconsciousness. They are a thought. Anything you call it, not it. It is Just “being”. Being conscious, perception, experience is an ego. Yes. Thats why enlightenment never comes from psychedelics. Because thought process still goes on. Meanwhile with meditation, when you forget everything and just “be”. Thats what being nothing is. There is no thought there nor perception nor experience. Nothingness can not be “experience “ can just “be”. Yes.

deep sleep and before birth is egoless, thoughtless. the same as if you die and you are a corpse. as you say, you are a thought, a pattern. Without the pattern it is what it is . you exist as what you really are, the void. It may seem that being the void, or being in deep sleep is not being, but it is not like that. the emptiness is, and the more one identifies with it and discards the disposable, the easier everything imo. and in my experience void seems to be love, like all says, home. but probably its possible to go deeper and void is nothingness and no more, as you always say, but even so, nothing is

@friend-man yes it feels like diving into the deep waters of the abyss. It's the disentangling from the socially conditioned mind matrix known as ME What comes out on the other side is pure emptiness or nothingness.... which happens to already be the case so fear not ❤

The i is an illusion, but there is eternal being. You don't think so? The nothingness is, and there is no time. The i, when realize of his falsehood, can surrender to the idea of stop existing , imo

when the body dies the person and their memories will dissolve into nothingness, just as important as the memories of a mosquito. so it is common sense to detach from them completely. the reality is that they are nothing, the same as those of the mosquito. but behind that person, that dress that gives an apparent shape to the void if there is some....thing, something very real, very alive. are you, the one who exist. if you focus and identify with that reality and discard the person and their memories, death will be a beautiful reunion

I once seen, "it's all a lie!" That's how my mind processed it. The illusion was all a big lie! I suppose this was the fruit Eve eat in the garden. Currently I see the whole universe as a fractal, a simple mathematical equation that spun out of intelligent nothingness, like you see in a vacuum where quantum particles come into existence. A simple perfect mathematical formula that keeps repeating over and over creates everything in our universe. This is the blessing! All the pain and suffering, happiness and joy, had to be this way for it to work. There is no real grace except the grace of existence itself. Grace permeates this world.

@Someone here Set an alarm, cut back to 8 or 9 hours of sleep, start an easy exercise routine and add in some veggies and fruits. Do you get outside, and get sunlight? If not, take vitamin D. Those things will make an enormous difference. Try different breath exercises and replace the urge for a cigarettes with that every now and then, just for curiosity's sake. When you do smoke, notice how the urge for a cigarette triggers you to take a break, when you relax and consciously breathe without having to "do anything" or make it into a chore or a "should do". See how the smoke diffuses into nothingness when you exhale it, how the entire ritual is sort of metaphoric of letting go and dissolution. See the need that it's meeting.

@RealTruth the point is that if you stop your mind long enough, you will see: I am absolutely nothing and this nothing is. it is wonderful. then your mind will work again and you will think: what was it saying out of nothing, why was it? what stupidity, nothing is nothing, it is also quite bad, the opposite of life. then you will stop your mind again, and you will see: the apparent reality is somehow a dream of nothingness, it is nothing. reality = nothing, an empty appearance in eternity. again the mind will return, and you will think: what was that about appearance? why? if everything is solid, it doesn't make any sense ... that's the game

I get what you're saying ❤ There is nothing there, it's complete nothingness. And words can't describe nothing. ❤

I read it, thanks. I do journal often, I work on things I like etc which tends to get my mind off of these neurotic thoughts. Positivity and better sleep certainly improve my mood and keep neuroses at bay. I don't feel good about this idea of a so called random meaningless impossible to understand suffering that can spawn out of the nothingness for no reason at anytime and that is without solution other than to bear it on the promise that it will be gone. I understand that bearing it gracefully is preferable to descending into madness, but still I am left wishing that there is a better possibility still. One may not have control over the outer reality but at least the body and the mind should be in peace and ready to work optimally. If I recall correctly these types of thoughts started a few years ago after a traumatic event in my life. Back then they were different types of thoughts and not so pervasive. For some reason my brain just started showing me what it considered the absolute worst case scenario it could imagine for any given situation. I might be making the next stuff up because it was a long time ago but I think in my neurosis I might have made a wish at that time to the universe to know what the worse is so that I can find peace in that it can't get any worse than that. So that I be prepared for the worst. And so soon after that I started having these thoughts where I would see the worst possible thing happening to me or to the people around me. For example I would talk to a friend and an image would pop in my mind about this friend getting hit by a car on the way home or I would see a random person walking on the street and I would get a thought how they step in a pot hole and break their leg. Just so we are clear these weren't wishes i had, just random visions. And so I became quite frustrated with them but usually I found ways to distract myself from them through work and tv shows etc. Now for whatever reason this particular thought of that kind seems to have stuck with me. It does go away when I work and focus on something else, but the moment I notice it's gone I immediately bring it back up. From a spiritual point of view I do feel like I might have made a pact with my subconscious to always show me visions of the worst so that I may be prepared. Like I installed some sort of program in there. However I don't need this anymore and I would like to uninstall it and let it dissolve. Believe it or not - if we set this particular neurosis aside - my current mental health is the best it's been since over 15 years ago. I am way more connected with my feelings, generally at peace and have a positive outlook at life. Self-hate is at an all time low. I am starting to love myself and to understand life more. Even my mom said I've changed a lot and that I used to be unbearable before but now I am great to be around. And the most important part I just feel better, genuinely. It's just this one thing that's bothering me and I do get a bit scared sometimes that it could get out of control as it does seem to gain momentum when I focus on it. It could be OCD yes. I might check with an OCD specialist on this.

It is not about your experience floating anywhere, only reason why you can't sense nothingness, creation when it happens is because it is so transparent that you can't even really see it before it manifests into something, it is just action before thinking of action, because it isn't thinking, but at the same time it is.

@Valwyndir Man it's crazy, I've experienced the exact same thing with some of my psychedelic experiences, and other times I was able to comfortably abide in this non-dual state where I can see that everything is mind, we are all the same being etc. without feeling like I'm going to disappear, I wonder why this is? Leo described the same experience in his "What is Reality" video like 20-30 minutes in when he talked about emergency sirens going off or something like that when you start going down that slippery slope and unravelling reality a little too much and shit gets a little too real. I was sober when I watched the video for the first time but as he start saying that stuff it started happening again and I had to pause it because it felt like if I didn't I would have dissolved myself out of existence lol. I guess it feels like this fear reaction is in a sense the "force" that keeps reality infinitely going? As you approach this non-existence (which by definition can't exist?) there comes a point where your survival instinct (which is really just the physical impossibility for nothing to exist) kicks in, and your fear of non-existence fuels you to stay alive by any means, and staying alive basically means not being still? Move your mind by thinking thoughts or move your body or make sounds, just do SOMETHING to keep existing. I guess as you look around you in life this is all you see. Motion/Vibration? Birds chirping, animals running around, humans going through their motions, etc. Nothing is truly still, except for the stillness/nothingness that forces everything else to stay in motion. It's interesting then how you can then flip things to see this fear of death as actually equivalent to the love/joy of existence depending on what perspective you look at it from. Are we running from death, or are we running towards life? I don't really know why I'm even writing this, I guess this is just journalling since apparently I'm writing to myself. Anyways, peace man have a good night.

I had one very radical oneness experience which I haven't been able to replicate or experience with any other psychedelic or technique. Not even DMT or 5-meo-dmt has given me it. It was a experience of absolute nothingness, but such nothingness so intense that I destroyed the belief in such a thing of a linear material reality. In other psychedelics, there is always still an "insight* or an "understanding* of the experience. But what made this one special is that the experience was so brutal that I couldn't have no words . Because it was the end of my life , reality, and everything. I couldn't say even I was God. It was just nothing. And it was so real. At the same time now I have a normal life in a city . There is so many people, cars, experiences. This material reality feels real as fuck . Maybe what I experienced was just hallucinations. I guess I'll never know

You are still floating in Nothingness right now. But, you can also have "blank" experiences of Nothing. It feels very similar to what you might imagine the universe was like before the Big Bang. Have you never died in your dreams and experienced just being a conscious void for a while? That is it.

I remember Leo once saying that "you" were basically the only thing that existed before the "big bang" or the illusion was created. What was then our conscious experience floating in nothingness. Nothing?

Self Love As it’s commonly used in contemporary times, Self Love is addressed as a positive thing. Maurice Nicoll like Gurdjieff, though, used the term self love as being synonymous with egotism. All of chapter 14 in Gems Of Wisdom is devoted to self love as it was used ordinarily back in the day,,, I really see no contradictions. These words are just being used with different usages. A different frame of reference perhaps between world of personality and world of essence or being.,,,,,maybe? Castenada’s use of the term self importance is very much in line with Gurdjieff’s and Nicoll’s use of self love. I get a kick out of reading Nicoll. He’s a real hoot sometimes. Like In this first paragraph. CHAPTER 14 SEEING SELF-LOVE AT WORK A DESCRIPTION “I well know as a medical psychologist the awkward point where I had to say to the patient: ‘Yes—I can see you have been badly treated, never appreciated, never properly understood. You have told me all that very clearly. But do you think that it is possible that you are not quite the ideal person that you seem to imagine yourself to be, and that there may be some quite serious faults in yourself?’ Now you can all imagine the haughty look, the frozen smile, the magnificent rising from the chair—and the slamming of the door—without, of course, the fee being paid. Yes—but what has happened. . . What has been touched? What would you call it? Whatever you call it, it is this factor that prevents self-change...If he sees for himself something of this factor in him, which is so formidable and the source of so much violence, then it is not aroused antagonistically. He sees himself: he begins to accept what he would never have accepted from another. It is in this way that the Work deals with this otherwise intractable fac- tor in Man.” V. 3, pp. 1165-1166 PRIDE AND VANITY “You must study Pride and Vanity in yourselves and all their different gradations. Do you know your own forms of Vanity and how much they occupy you? Do you know where your Pride lies? Where do you feel that you love yourself, that you admire yourself? Where do you most feel that you are utterly different from other people? Where are you most conceited? What do you boast about? What are you silent about? Vanity is frequently very talkative, whereas Pride is silent. Which is the deeper wound, wounded Vanity or wounded Pride? What is it you cannot forgive? You know that if you cannot forgive it is because of some form of self-love which, ideally speaking, has to be smashed out of you.” V. 1, p. 360 SELF-LOVE “One can feel very startled when one realizes that it is alwa this thing called oneself that is being comforted, exalted, tittilated, soothed, flat- 70 tered, satisfied, and that when it is not, it begins to whimper like a baby. And it is always this odd restless thing that is being offended, upset, negative, indignant, downcast. Cast down from what? From its centrepoint of self-love.” V. 2, p. 472 SELF-LOVE II “Ask yourself sometimes: ‘Why am I doing this?’ or ‘Why am I say- ing this?’ or ‘Why am I behaving in this way?’ or ‘Why am I writing this?’ Whatever imaginary robes of self-righteousness we clothe our- selves in, these questions tend to undress us again...When we have gone more deeply into self-observation and self-knowledge, we simply have to give up a lot of the manifestations of the self-love, disguised as something genuine.” V. 2, p. 476 SELF-LOVE III “No one can possibly act beyond some degree of ‘self-love’—that is, beyond self-interest, self-feeling, self-esteem, self-admiration, self-delight, self-praise, self-seeking, and so on...I t is difficult to catch even a glimpse of the forest of self-love and all its pseudo-creations. How- ever, if one does, it is a very startling experience. It is a real shock, like the realization of mechanicalness. It creates a sense of being under- mined, an empty feeling...When you feel you have been betrayed by a friend you feel undermined. But to feel you have been betrayed by yourself is worse.” V. 2, p. 471-2 SELF-LOVE IV “One can hate its falsities. But what do we find? We find it seems impossible to get rid of it. We seem fastened to it. We react to its influences continually. It has so many tricks, so many pretenses and deceptions, that we simply cannot deal with it. We are just too late. But new emotions can catch it in time. You remember that the speed of emotions is greater than that of thoughts. In short, we cannot deal with it without the help of something else. . . The object of all real esotericism is connect Man with the Will of God and to break him from his own self-will.” V. 2, pp. 472, 479 71 SELF-LOVE V “The life of self-love is death...The self-love always regards itself. It cannot look up...Self-love is not cognitive. It lays down no memory for ‘next time.’ It makes darkness, not light...You can cease to do this only by observing little by little, what you are really like.” V. 5, pp. 1638-9 SELF-LOVE VI “You cannot get to certain emotions that come from beyond the zone of self-love, if you take yourself as one... Something else in you, apart from the self-love, has to see the truth of such ideas. And if there were no emotions possible beyond those belonging to the self-love this would not be possible and so no development would be possible. It is upon the appearance of these other and new emotions and their gradual strengthening, that development depends, and this is when being changes.” V. 2, p. 474 LAUGHING AT ONESELF “Now one way to attack the self-love is through self-observation. . . . It is wonderful to catch a glimpse of your self-love and be able to laugh at it. One loses the former highly-explosive over-sensitive feeling of ‘I’ more and more. That means more balance. That means becoming softer.” V. 5, p. 1604 ENDURING DEVALUATION “It would be impossible to catch a glimpse of one’s level of Being unless one could endure it. Now the only way you can endure it is by having something else you can hold onto. If you have something else that you value and that you can hold on to and trust, you can then endure a certain amount of devaluation of yourself.” V. 2, p.509 ENDURING DEVALUATION II “When you begin to feel your own nothingness you begin to receive the help of the Work to replace that nothingness by something. So you have to go down a long way before you begin to go up.” V. 3, p. 878 72 A CHANGE OF STATE “You cannot change your inner state if you cling to what you are based on, just as you cannot leave your room if you persist in clinging to all the articles of furniture in it...The feeling of Real ‘I’ can only come to you when all such false ‘I’s are diminished in you. All of you may think that you never speak like that man (in the Gospels) who prayed: ‘Thank God I am not as other men,’ but have you actually observed how often you do enact this without actually saying it, how often you act from this basis?” V. 1, p. 344 TWO KINDS OF ‘SELF’ “We know that all these different divergent elements in us can be fused into a unity, which means that our present level of being in the total Scale of Being from a stone up to Divine Being is far lower than it was made to be; and this we need to feel at all times. Why? It helps us to undermine self-complacency, self-righteousness, and self-merit, self-applause, and all this tedious self stuff, except Self-Remembering. It is Self-Remembering. The Self you try to remember is above yourself. It is there: and you need always to feel so, for that lets in a certain influx of interior light, which self-emotions shut out.” V. 4, p. 1495

About that Ket trip. It was so powerful I didn't even see a reason in trying to make a trip report. I was not expecting such a powerful trip at all. It was in the 6-7g mushroom ballpark of intensity. But I resisted the breakthrough because I was just not repaired in the slightest. It was kind of nihilistic in a weird way, very nothingness-oriented since it is a dissociative after all, so one can expect that. I'm feeling a lucy trip coming up and I'll be more prepared for that one. I want to focus more on discovering my life purpose with that trip.