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@Preety_India Its possible, i think there is a aspect that is more primitive for base survival and another layer that is adaptive that can override it. Like suicide is fighting a very strong primitive wiring, why it makes it so hard. Theres got to be some aspects that are general fixed and the rest is adaptive. Celebrities vs Porn stars have some aspect that is general fixed attractiveness and the rest is preference.

The worst trip on weed was getting this thoughts that suicide was ok it got me freaked out because I have never ever think of suicide or trying it. I love this life. Idk where that come from maybe it was some shadow part of me speaking. Crazy stuff.

Exactly. I too have thought about commiting suicide in the past, and one thing that I found helpful in those moments was imagining that I had already killed myself - and that now I am simply a wandering spirit on this earth that has literally nothing to lose anymore. From here on out it's all just a game; every road is open to me, I can try out anything without fear of loss or failure, nothing can actually harm me because I am already dead. (Which in a sense you are, if you think about it... you will definitely die sooner or later, so the sentence has already been handed out and the gavel has been pounded, so to speak, which sort of makes you a dead man walking. And as grim as that might sound at first, it is actually an immensely liberating thought if you really let it sink in!)

You're wrong about it. Please don't say it is nobody. That's veru close minded to say. Yes there is little to no survival agenda involved in Game B. But that does not mean nobody does it. Have you heard about lovers dying for each other or commiting suicide together? Have you heard about true stories of a couple who hang around even when the other person got cancer or lost a leg in an accident or is completely disabled? Of course for the healthier partner it's a huge burden to carry but they find emotional satisfaction in doing so. It's not like a game but a relationship with great emotional intensity. A very good example of game B is this video

@Dunnel Maybe i took this to literally. I read his past posts to get an idea of his issues before commenting. Its surprising but hes a rational type that thinks hes always smarter then the comment hes reading. Everything people write is wrong sais his "rational" thinking mind. Stuck in a endless self defeating rational loop. He needs to recognize that his thinking process just drove him into a pit. Therefor proof his thinking mind is not worth listening to. “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Albert Einstein Communication does not work with him, hes to clever, he can run circle around any topic. Hes using the same thinking that got him into this mess, it wont work, it needs to be thrown out the window and relearned from scratch. Ive been to the end of suicide/dispair and back, bed ridden for years, the only thing that got me out of it was a paradigm shift. Im betting its the same for him.

I believe that Angels exist. Angels. I don't think I can take it any longer. Maybe some angel can take me with them and liberate me from my pain. It is difficult. Life is difficult. I can't take anymore. And I don't have the courage to commit suicide. I feel helpless and trapped. I wish my soul could be set free from this terrible world I was born into. I don't find peace. My soul wants to be done with this world for good. My soul cannot take the strain of life. I wish I could die right now but I can't because I don't know how to off myself. I have no way of living in this world of demons and vampires and people who look trustworthy but are actually cunning and manipulative and fake. Nobody wants to do shit. CALLING ME A DRAMA QUEEN DOESN'T HELP ME. CALLING ME ANYTHING DOESN'T HELP ME. I'M FED UP WITH FAKE FRIENDS. I'M FED UP WITH FAKE LOVERS AND FAKE BOYFRIENDS WHO ONLY WANT TO USE ME. I'M FED UP WITH FAKE FAMILY MEMBERS. I'M FED UP WITH THE DEVIL WHO DESPERATELY WANTS ME DEAD BECAUSE I FEEL HIS PRESENCE LAUGHING AT MY PAIN ALL THE TIME I'M TIRED OF LIFE.... TIRED OF ALL THE ABUSE.

Nowadays i no longer need to justify my ethics, as i have come to find i never could justify any of it, only connect causes to effects and act congruently, of course until the exceptions emerge in existence which before it i could not even attribute an essence. Suicide is a being ending itself, but it is in what the action itself IS NOT but in its context we can make rationals, ideas and theories regarding the oughts and oughtn'ts of the action. And thereto judge them by means of our values (wherever they may be acquired). What do you believe happens if you made it an end today? Or rather, what won't happen? Let us piece out some effects to their causes without fooling ourselves they came justly.

There is massive poverty in my country India and other Third World countries. I myself came from extreme poverty. I might lose my job next month and I don't have much left because of my piling medical bills. The medical conditions are also a result of working hard under stress for many years. The education system is stressful and brutal. I cannot think of the horrors of poverty again. There is no security for the poor, the rising prices means its too hard to get a place to rent. Real estate prices are sky high. A lot of businesses are shutting down because of corona including the place I work at. There are no stimulus packages in my country. I think a Universal Basic Income is greatly necessary in poor countries to get people out of poverty.. Also most jobs are procured by men in my country. Women are offered much less pay or not offered the job at all. Most women struggle to get a job in my country because of the gender dynamics always being in the favor of men. This causes a lot of women to be forced into arranged marriages for survival. It's a tough situation to be caught in. Most people don't prefer to have daughters and daughters are generally considered a burden by most families. My idea is that a universal basic income in my country and other similar countries would be a great way to lift people out of poverty and offer them some hope in terms of survival. I also think there should be a strict population control agenda put in order by World Health Organization or similar entities to control the overpopulation in India and other eastern countries that are overpopulating the planet. The population in my country is too hard to cope with. Traveling is difficult. If you're at the doctor's office, there are just too many people. The doctors get tired attending to so many people. Too many suicides because of despair and joblessness and family issues. I think India is stuck in a rut. Stage Blue Dogma and corruption is eating out the system alive. It causes massive suffering because nobody cares about the environment or the community or social issues. People tend to become extremely selfish. The downside of such Universal Basic Income is that people will keep producing more kids. Which leads to more unemployment, strain on resources and more poverty. If people are incentivised to get an income without producing more kids, and care more about community and environment, a lot of our problems in third world countries can be handled. The population problem itself has turned into a stiff bottleneck causing massive unemployment and exploitation as desperate people turn to desperate measures. I learn about suicides daily. Some of my friends committed suicide because of unemployment and they come from middle class families and they couldn't deal with the pressure of mounting financial distress. People seem to understand the gravity of the situation only when the gun is turned on them. As long as the gun is on another person's temple, nobody cares. People just let others fall through the cracks. The question is how long is the suffering in third world countries going to continue. Every leader elected is either stage Red or stage Blue and there is no leadership, no solving issues, either they make problems worse through corruption or they are simply indifferent and choose to turn a blind eye. The conditions in third world countries are nightmarish. There is no insurance from government and even if it exists, it's all namesake. Government hospitals are a joke and private clinics raise a huge bill. There are hardly any psychological resources for people, extremely few psychiatrists per capita. The nation is dealing with a silent wave of depression as a result of decades of poverty and crisis. Child abuse is rampant. Rape is rampant. There is no safety or any concept of social security. Law enforcement is a joke. There is no 911....just no public security services. You only rely on your family and most family dynamics are shitty. There are no social services to ask for assistance from in case your family kicks you out or harasses you. Just recently an actor committed suicide a week ago because of family harassment.. It's like a daily story. Everyday Someone ends up as the victim in this Russian Roulette. People turn a blind eye to each other's problems because they don't want to disturb their cushy positions. People are used to seeing suffering and simply ignoring it. There are no social security benefits in case things go south in your life. No cover. No protection. Government erected buildings for any sort of hope are a joke because they are unclean with no electricity, no basic facilities and no resources. I think a major overhaul is needed in third world countries because most people feel trapped by virtue of being born in such unfortunate circumstances. It's not someone's fault if they are born in such environments. But living in a third world country is a total nightmare and I feel sorry for anyone who feels trapped like me in such countries.

I don't know what to do. I really feel there are too many trapped souls in my country. Too many abused children. Too much going on. Last week an actor in my country committed suicide due to family issues. After learning about it, I had a mental breakdown because it mirrored my situation in some ways. It's hard to live in a country where the government doesn't give a shit about you. Unemployment and population are at their peak. Too many rapes. Bad stuff. Like bad juju everywhere. Feel a constant sense of helplessness and threat.

There are no social services here Last week I called a suicide hotline and they never picked my calls. It's like there's nobody there.. My mental and physical condition has been deteriorating to the point that I might have to give up my job. The family pressure to get married is too much. My family's unsupportive dynamic sucks I battle a health condition that I won't discuss here, that's the only thing that I keep off limits. It's too tough to survive and I often thought of suicide many many times.

https://ennyman.medium.com/a-lesson-from-29-golden-gate-suicide-attempts-a42f4ef3f970

Please tell me what you are going through. I know someone who attended suicide. He was glad that he didn't follow through. I wish I was there with you but I hope you can at least tell us what going on.

I've also heard this guy, perhaps several, who've tried committing suicide but failed said that, when they jumped, they immediately regretted it. Also, I know you said you were done with practical advice, but have you looked into or tried any heavy metal detox stuff? I've heard people can really suffer, even emotionally, from heavy metal poisoning, and maybe with just that "simple" fix, it might alleviate lots of suffering that you've been battling using purely psychological methods. When maybe, it was simply the wrong approach to the issue. I hope you feel better and well. Maybe here's some reasons to stay. We love you.

@Dunnel I will give you a good reason to live. A good reason to live would be that all the best human beings throughout history of humanity did not want you to commit suicide. I am sure this enough.

@Leo Gurahave talked to 4 psychologists. Talked to my parents many times. Tried the spiritual work. Sick of materialism. Tried suicide hotline, was hot garbage. Have no patience for my own bullshit anymore. Thanks for your videos. I might wake up tomorrow taking some sane decisions, but for now I feel pretty determined to jump off and break my legs. I know I could do more, of course. But Ive tried for so many years.

It's tough to watch humanity. I was suicidal again today. So I clicked on a video about suicide.

If I'm free how is it so that I can't escape life? I changed my job to a one which it kills me. I can't sleep well and it hurts my back. The work is mindless too. I'm slowly losing my mind. So I thought in quitting everything, to avoid the suffering that this situation is producing. But then when I thought about quitting, i doubt I can't because I can't surrender the attachment to material goals I want to achieve, and attachment to my family not suffering my loss ( I wasnt planning to suicide, but just let go of everything. For once be free...) So I'm damn if I do and I'm damn if I don't . What do you think about my situation?

Suicide is selfish, therefore you can only die and go to Unity as opposed to reincarnation when you least expect it.

@Hardkill No, the nineties had left/right culture wars (Marilyn Manson, etc.), Kosovo wars, Monica Lewinsky, Columbine, Kurt Cobain's suicide, and other stuff. Still not as bad as what comes after the nineties...

I am not able to cope any longer, to sweep my emotions under the rug and keep the appearance of calmness in order to not hurt or please people and to go through the next work-week and upcoming text for English next week, which I need to study for today, tomorrow, and in Sunday, through the force of my own will, my body patterns, emotions, and mental focus and sharpness is wearing me down and tiring me too much for me being able to do it through force and reasoning and boasting myself as an earlier and through pure force of will. I need to discuss with someone my thoughts and emotions that have been plaguing me and suicidal imaginations and thoughts about my current life situation , my imagined and felt mother's connection with me and my imagined feelings of her feelings that she went through when she committed suicide and the similar behavior patterns, emotional patterns and reasoning and thought patterns that I notice sometimes, and now more oftenly within myself and that I display that I share with her in that regard and I can't discuss it with my family. I couldn because I need to keep a calm and collected veneer for them in order for me to not upset them and hurt them and I don't know currently what friends I would be able to discuss this with without it being too much for them and I don't know if I can afford to see a therapist again in my current sensitive life circumstances, not so much financial but familial wise. ( When several times now I feel a sudden surge of fear or was in a panicked mode, also from some thoughts and emotions that I had and I couldn't let go off of myself and my current life situation and family circumstances I went into and sat to meditate no my grandfather's bed, where my mother at the time, also when she was staying here in my grandparents home, was situated and lied on when she committed suicide in 2006. when I was 7., I felt an urge and impulse to go into that room that is in dark and lie down or sit down to meditate because I couldnt keep myslef collected and my body calm, and not nervous when I sat down to finish studying of chapters for my in English at Monday. I had thoughts and emotions of my mother that surfaced up about her final hours and thoughts and feelings during them on that bed and my and family's and wider relatives resulting life trajectory from that event. There were mixed feelings and thoughts of grudge towards my mother from reasoning that she was responsible for the lacks in my upbringing for not being there and to teach me herself the strength, calm and endurance that she had when she was healthy and very succesful in her carreer and life, for deciding to move back to Serbia where people and life seem to much more difficult to deal with than in Canada and that I would have more of a sense of security for my future, job security not dependent on social connections and skills, which I currently l feel I severly lack her now due to my own huge wasted proportion of time in addictions, faults, missed experiences and opportunties in working on, cultivating and keeping social connections and relationships with people I felt at moments hared a similiarity with in terms of my life situation, interests, skills or personality, that I didn't work during my adolescent years and my 20's that most kids my age have been taught,clearned and mastered up until this point and have adapted to the rules of adult world here and know how to effectively and rationally deal with them in order to move forward in life and for putting me in the life situation that I am in currentlly now with my father and feelings that I want to escape this and join her and that I somehow need to muster the strength and endurance to meet the demands and challenges ahead that are in front of me). Sorry for the grammar errors, I am writing this in a pretty desperate state just to get some things out of me that I have been sweeping under the rug and were unable to emotionally and reasonably open up to anyone in an adequate way in order to not just complain to anyone as an excuse to avoid work and challenges in life that I have to do and that is in front of me going ahead. I will write more clearly in the future once I reasonably start to manage and articulate all these things and thought, emotinal and survival patterns that have been a heavy toll on me over this and last week, sorry for not being able to currently correct it now my whole body tense up and my mind can't really cope with it when I tried to do it. I felt I needed to talk to someone, who can show me some compassion and understand me slightly about my thoughts and emotions, because I was unable today to no longer sweep it under the rug and keep my will and reasoning ability with people, situations and demands from reality in check, I felt and thought at moments, when I sat down to meditate for 20 minutes in my grandafther's room an hour ago, that I wanted to escape all of this by ending myself as an easier, less painful and less demanding route, and had thoughts and emotions come up about being willing to reincarnate as a bug or some other animal, but then feelings of guilt of not betraying the people that rely on me and some blurry memory from my childhood some short time after my mother commited suicide of me at 7. or 8. year's old answering to my father who asked me: ''If I would kill myself now, son, would you kill yourself with me." and answering to him: ,,No dad, I don't know about you but I want to live life.'' which caused me to wimper a bit and shed a tear afterwards when I rembered it, but at the same time led me to encourage myself in my head to not give up and to face what's ahead of me. Sorry for writing in this manner I couldn't keep my thoughts and emotions clear, and was slightly unable and unwilling to invest mental focus and labor to write this more clearly and conscisely for people who read it to understand better, sorry for the succumbing to selfishness in that regard. Thank's to anyone who is willing to have a conversation with me and willing to listen to my problems.

the desire to awaken is what leads to awakening. the ego knows that it must die but it cannot make itself die. the search for something external to act as a trigger is the only option that the ego sees for its suicide, since it cannot cause its own death. artificially created experience, if complete, occurs when it is have to. It is also artificial to sit for hours to silence the mind or to self-observe the slightest thought. they are manifestations of the same thing: the will to wake up. the ego itself realizes the trap that it means, and assumes that the only solution is its dissolution, but it does not know how to leave, since the fact of wanting to leave reinforces it even more. He needs a gun, put it to his temple, and pull the trigger

Hello, my dear night dwellers. As we all know, Insomnia is one tricky thing to befall a living thing. I’m sure most of us have been jealous of our dogs or cats. How easily they sleep, their minds still and tranquil. Us, however, goddamn. Some of us might not have anxiety or depression, yet still, we dwell in the night till the morning all the same. That’s precisely the point I’m about to make. Insomnia is one of the most mysterious and puzzling “illnesses” or conditions there are. There are no clear answers. Some people fix it by fixing their diet; some people have medical conditions, some mental. Some none of those. I know it’s hard to feel optimistic about this fucking condition. Trust me; it brought me to the brink of suicide. I am much better now. However, my journey is not the same as yours. My body isn’t the same as yours, nor is my mind. We are all unique, yet we insomniacs share a lot of things in common as well. It took many many hours of studying insomnia, biology, diet, neuroscience, nutrition, pharmacology, self-help techniques, psychology, a bit of literature, the human microbiome, and believe it or not, Zen Buddhism & Meditation, to finally have an understanding of how to deal with my insomnia. I’ve gotten it under control. However, I had to accept many changes I needed to make. Insomnia could be a journey to start discover yourself more deeply. Biologically, mentally, spiritually. I am not religious; I was born Muslim and became an atheist in my teens. I still consider myself an atheist to some extent. But spirituality does have an impact on your mental state. So does your biology, your nutrition, your lifestyle, etc. Now the danger arises when you dismiss these topics on hand and think you already know them. I can’t stress this enough. Your mind will trick you into thinking you understand when you don’t. It will trick you into dismissing them. It will come up with any reason possible to avoid introspection and come up with excuses to not read more and change yourself. Do not trust your mind. Do not trust your thoughts. Trust your intuition. Trust direct experience. This you can rely on. Learn things and then directly experience them and see what happens. Many of you will intuitively know that this makes sense. Obviously, it would help if you still had your mind to read and think and remember, but you get the idea. It will take maybe two years for you to filter out the good information from the bad. To see what lifestyle change works and what doesn’t. You need to keep an open mind, and you need to start to learn things proactively. Be consistent in your lifestyle changes. Not just try something for a week and say, “Fuck that it didn’t work, that’s bullshit.” That thinking right there is bullshit. Learning=change. Behavioral or psychological. If you read that stress induces insomnia, but you don’t do anything to change your stress level, then you haven’t actually learned. You just memorized a fact. You will be amazed by how many things you didn’t expect to influence sleep that does. “The greatest enemy of knowledge isn’t ignorance; It is an illusion of knowledge.” -Stephen Hawking Many people know that gut bacteria influence your mood and sleep. So they google how to increase gut bacteria. They get an article saying that probiotics increase it. They buy probiotics. Try it. Feel nothing. Then say, ok, well, it’s not my gut bacteria. When in reality, probiotics alone don’t help that much at all. This is just one out of a million examples. Insomnia isn’t your fault. It’s the worst thing to be told that it’s “just in your mind.” In a sense, it is true, but all of us have very little control of our minds and bodies. I know it’s hard to be motivated when you are sleep deprived. Somedays, when I lose sleep (rarely these days, maybe 5-6 days a month), I start to feel the same ways I felt before. Low energy, tired, want to give up on life. Just shitty overall. Suppose you sleep better the day after, or whenever, get back into the journey. We can’t control our sleep, but we do have control over many things that can start to influence both our minds and bodies. Later on, your mind and body will be your friends, not your enemies. But that won’t come quickly. Obviously, you see how big of a subject this is. I can’t explain every trap and obstacle. This is your journey to make. “Suffering is the greatest teacher.” -Guatama Buddha Don’t just view this as things to do to avoid suffering. It is that but also more. It’s about healing yourself. DO NOT BE NEGATIVELY MOTIVATED. Try to be actually excited about this. You don’t know where it will lead you, what changes might happen. You really don’t, even if you think you do. This is positive and exciting, not negative at all. Insomnia was the best thing to happen to me. I hope you will be able to say that about yours too. UNCONVENTIONAL TIPS Before you stack up on melatonin pills, try pistachios. There is evidence that just two pistachios contain enough melatonin to boost the hormone above physiological levels. Sleep hygiene is more complicated than the simple don't do anything in bed formula we constantly read about, if you do relaxing activities in bed like reading that can actually be helpful to associate bedtime with relax time. Insomnia causes depression and makes your mood abysmal. Therefore, most insomniacs you engage with in this subreddit are trapped in this mindset, so that's why this isn't a very helpful subreddit to gain optimism from, and that’s totally understandable. But just keep that in mind the next time someone slams exercising for not working or that diets have nothing to do with insomnia. Diet does absolutely matter, and diet is much more complicated than trying gluten free or keto or vegan. The raw material for neurotransmitter synthesis in your brain is derived from diet, it most certainly can impact your sleep cycles. The microbes in your gut produce 95% of the serotonin in your body (most of it won't pass the blood brain barrier, luckily your brain doesn't need much). & These microbes thrive when you eat healthy food, especially fiber. Getting your diet on check will require many years of careful rigorous experimenting, researching, not falling to delusional diets and most importantly not giving up. It takes a while for you to learn anything important, health should be your top priority no matter if you think your insomnia is genetic or not, diet will lessen the blows if anything. Getting morning sunlight does actually work for some but not others, give it a try and try to make it consistent. Coffee in the morning can actually up regulate GABA receptors, so it might actually help some sleep in some people (theoretically). Insomnia can be psychosomatic in some people, not necessarily completely but maybe a bit. If you sleep with the expectation that you'll wake up early, that will most likely happen. That's why if you're worried about an exam and sleep you'll wake up an hour before your alarm clock. How do you stop this? It's complicated, but just keep it in mind. Some people sleep way better when the accidentally fall asleep, because there is no expectation. Glycine is a non essential amino acid, some people report to increase sleep quality when supplementing with glycine.

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When I will commit suicide, all those who tormented me, abused me, they will go to hell for eternity, my soul will never rest in peace. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution.. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution.

And then it was September 2015. I was feeling extremely lonely. I was living alone at the time. I had my second ex. We weren't getting along a relationship I was eventually going to break in 2017 mid June. And I begged and fell on my knees. In a moment of despair, I suddenly gave up and wanted to die, I wanted to commit suicide, I wanted to be gone. I had lost my dad years ago I had lost my pet. I had lost everything. I didn't want to live for anything. And I felt my boyfriend didn't love me. I wanted to end it all. Nobody loved. Not my mom. Not anyone. No one cared if I would have been gone. I prayed to Christ for strength. I prayed for hope. Then suddenly. Things changed. I felt warmth. I rose. I remember sitting. Thinking. It was different. Next day my mom called me to tell me that she is coming over to my place. I felt nice. At least I won't feel alone. I felt like God had given me a sign. He wanted to tell me that I was going to be okay After that whatever happened was nothing short of a miracle. I began to be heavily influenced by spirituality. I was suddenly propelled in this direction where I would constantly question everything around me in a spiritual context. Everything has had to have an answer, a meaning. I started collecting journals. I bought a few diaries. I began scribbling and writing in early 2016. It was january 2016. I got my journal and began writing, not online, but in my physical journal. I had no idea Actualized Org existed at the time. I would sit in a corner, huddled into a space and keep writing. I would write endlessly. A lot of stuff I wanted to write about. I didn't want to stop. I wrote throughout 2016. I wrote nearly 10 diaries that year that I still have in my cabin. Then in 2017 I broke up and had health issues. I met Joseph at the end of this year. I came across Leo's video in around my birthday and then I decided to join the forum the day after my birthday. This was 2018. I went straight to the journal section and began journaling. My spiritual quest began that year 2018 and never ended. I wrote throughout the year.