Search the Community

Journal Entry Exports from; Writing out the Negative: Anger, Contempt, Disgust, Fear, Judgement. Depression etc. Posted October 11, 2021 ''I am having escapist lucid dreams more and more lately basically after a month or so, unfortunately, I didn't write them in the journal, but the latest ones that I remember I plan to do. They basically boil down to stuff happening that is a wish-fulfillment in my dream of the stuff I failed on, was too afraid, indecisive, impatient, weak, selfish, or cowardly to do in the past and recent present which I had a deep longing towards or dreamt of in real life of fulfilling in my future to sort of achieving which I failed on being a possibility anywhere soon or at all in my life. Though a recent example not having anything to do with wish-fulfillment from a couple of days ago (three days ago I think in fact) was a dream of being scanned for my fingerprints and blood flow to my fingers by a mini floating UFO of a flying disk shape with a red tractor beam (at least what It seemed like it was doing) and floating around my head while I was lying down in my bed where I sleep in this apartment somewhere at very early morning time with the sun barely coming out. I dreamt of myself basically being in a half-awake groggy state and barely being able to move or recognize it and being too tired or weak to do anything about it. Also in that dream earlier, I dreamt of being aware of family members entering my room while I am lying down sleeping in my bed also in the morning time and talking to something to me while I am too groggy or tired to respond or do anything about it but I only aware of them being there faintly through my senses and then suddenly during that same time in the morning (be it 5 or 6 AM) I have the desire to move and respond to them but just as I move in my dream in my bed I wake up I realize I am still in that bed but there is no one in the room and there is dead silence in the morning and I am lying there now awake trying to grasp and come to my senses was I just dreaming that what I just perceived happening in my room a moment ago in the early morning time while I was in the same position in my bed as half-asleep and being faintly aware of it all happening and trying to slowly come in to grasp and discern up until what point was I dreaming of being at bed sleeping in the early morning and being aware of all that happening in the background in my room and at what point did I wake up in the same position that I was in during the dream in my bed it would appear roughly at the same time in the morning. This difficulty to discern what was the dream and what was me being awake in the morning came up roughly at the same time during the morning when I would wake up in shock and would later go back to sleep. Note: I didn't watch or have read any UFO-related or alien stuff in a long time and was skeptical for a long time and during the supposed Pentagon release of footage and confirmation of the existence of UFOs about almost a year ago and considered them just to be cover of the flight of secret experimental US Airforce planes and technology since the sights would usually happen in America and few other places in the world as far I followed it when I was briefly interested in it a while ago as a teen. The wish-fulffilment lucid dreams were either a product of a wish being fulfilled or an unlikely scenario playing out of which I had deep longing towards happening and me realizing in the past especially during my time in high school and of being a product of my imaging of interacting with some people or being a real-life witness of their interactions happening that I know from watching online on YouTube for some time or that are known as online celebrities mostly in the English speaking domain of the Internet. For example, I faintly remember of dreaming being in a cafe as a customer or something of a sort and watching the interaction in real-time of Jordan Peterson and some other figure which seemed to resemble the online YouTuber Vaush from his ponytail appearance (though I have watched neither of them for a long time, almost a year on YouTube just saw their faces and pictures from time to time on Twitter or recommendations for their videos on YouTube), they then briefly went to finish their conversation on the second floor of that cafe and then suddenly I found myself on the street in some rural area that seemed like somewhere in my country Serbia and I felt lost there and started looking for directions to get back where my apartment is in Belgrade and started asking people around, I asked an old grandad (who In facial appearance resembled almost my own grandfather who passed a year ago now) he pointed me in the direction towards the station there and then I encountered Peterson and asked him for some reason as if he knows which bus line in this rural place looking place should I take that goes to Belgrade and for him to point to me on the map where does it drop me off in Belgrade where it is nearest and closest from my apartment and taking another city line from there and then right when he was showing to me where my bus line will end and on which station of that bus line should I exit in Belgrade I woke up. Weird dream. The wish-fulfillment lucid dream that I had today had to do with me being in an open place almost an ancient greek amphitheater of some sort in the woods all covered in vine and mostly overgrown by nature with familiar but facially indistinguishable faces sitting there ( it is as if I knew all the people sitting there intuitively from my encounters with them in real life but couldn't really see their faces or name exactly each of them who they have just had a familiarity of their presence) and then from the back of my eye noticed and caught a glimpse of a very familiar face in the backdrop of that overgrown natural amphitheater and other ancient building space that looked exactly like the face from the pictures of the 19th and 20th-century French sociologist Emile Durkheim that was walking away and I started running towards him and people sitting in the naturally overgrown amphitheater spaced asked me: ''Where are you going!? What are you running towards!?", and I replied to them laconically filled with pride in myself and joy (even though it is very likely now in my depressing and existential and purpose crisis because of this real life that I won't be able to graduate and become a certified sociologist at all, given how many exams I have leftover from previous years and how I am currently feeling mentally strong in my intellectual capabilities to do so from developing 'brain rot' and lack of willpower due to a chronic addiction to entertainment, procrastination, and porn on the Internet during the past year especially and before that vastly diminished my chances of accomplishing this in the remaining years left of my studying and receiving a family pension from the state while being a full-time student),: ''Well, I am a sociologist myself. It is my duty to get an autograph from a man and sociologist such as Durkheim who works I was exposed to in high school (especially on Suicide given my family history) got me interested and fascinated to want to study sociology in faculty and become a sociologist in the first place!''. Then in my dream, I consciously ran towards the figure that was walking back on the road behind the amphitheater surrounded by a crowd of adoring fans that I thought looked and resembled the famous sociologist and when I came up to that figure it turned out it was a woman wearing glasses surrounded by a crowd following here that resembled him slightly in facial appearance and appeared to be a female writer of some sort, I apologized to her for running up to her impromptu and kind of disappointedly gave up on my autograph. Then the next thing I know I was standing on large blocks of stone on the wall of some seemingly old fortress from medieval times that resembled slightly the Kalemegdan fortress in Belgrade and my highschool girl crush and then thought possible and potential future soulmate that was put there for me in life I then had a feeling of and thought of her as that (she in some facial aspects and personality-wise even resembled Leo (I can't post here picture here I feel like it would be a against her right to privacy on an unknown forum and privacy rule here in general), like a younger female version of Leo in Serbia, which I found later kinda weird since when I watched Leo on YouTube I would be slightly reminded of her because of the similarities of his and her facial appearance ), and I knew here and went with here in highschool up until 2017 even before I found Leo's channel and then after I left high school and was in faculty still had a deep crush on her for some time, and this was before I found Leo website and channel on YouTube back in 2017 and slightly later when I just started watching his videos on his channel back in the summer of 2017) I went together in high-school with appeared together with a guy friend of hers in high school who was also an almost all As an excellent student like her (she rolled in a different faculty than me in the University of Belgrade and I have also found out recently that she had graduated in law school recently and became a certified lawyer just in the basic studies graduation term for studying for for 4 yeasr) in high school also appeared and approached me and started talking to me. I had a conversation with her in my dream that felt as it was very intimate, like with a very close girl friend that I knew for some time (in contrast to very brief interactions I would have with her in highschool and my mostly platonic love for her during that time in my life), and then she suddenly out of the blue told me that I don't have to go or rush anywhere since we will be all staying here (including her best straight As highschool guy friend) and sleeping over together tonight (In some supposed tour house I guess for all of was to sleep in and stay the night from highschool) and then I suddenly very casually in her way directed a very very lascivious joke regarding opportunities and possibilities for me and her in that sleeping together arrangement (spontaneous horny dreams what out me forcing them what can I do...) (that would probably have been too outrageous to say to her in real life given our degree of closeness and friendship then and especially now when I am out of touch with her for four years and have only seen her last time when I invited her to my grandfathers funereal last year) and then backtracked with another joke disputing the meaning of what i meant that made her and her best guy friend from highschool laugh in the dream. She then started walking on the edge of the wall of those stone blocks on the fortress as if playing with the height and chasm below with her best guy friend from high school and I followed them both expecting to interact with them more and the dream ends there and I woke up. The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret, of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester. Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently written and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.''

Torero's crimes isn't punishable by death and he shouldn't commit suicide. RIP. Time to close this thread as it's not really related to Dating, Relationship or Sexuality.

No one is glad about his suicide, but if he was recording and selling sex audios that obviously is not ethical and would eventually have to get called out. PUAs gotta find ways to teach game in a more ethical manner which is considerate of the girls. If they treat girls too much like objects it will create backlash for them because it promotes a toxic masculinity which mainstream society will not stomach. Game has to be done in a way which is not balls-to-the wall exploitative, selfish, and juvenile.

you’re glad Torero committed suicide after all his income was cut off when his PayPal and hosting was banned even though he did nothing illegal nor actually broke those sites guidelines and glad Addy Agame spent a year in jail and was labeled a sex offender in the media, so he will never get a normal job most likely, despite the court system saying he didn’t commit any crime nor any sex offense?

As an adolescent I was so green that I thought women never got horny. I just thought they were being kind or were maybe just trying to get approval because they had deep insecurities like myself. I was so shy and ashamed of masturbating in my early teens that I thought about committing suicide on more than one occasion when wondering if other people might know or find out that I did such a horrible thing. At 54, I’m a lot closer to my physical death now which changes how I feel about things and what I’m willing to express openly or somewhat openly. Masturbation turned out to be one of my strategies for distracting myself from an alcoholic indulgence early in life. It wasn’t enough though. I struggled with my alcoholism until I was 38 years old in 2005. I haven’t drank since and have lost all desire to do so. I never thought I would be free of the compulsion to drink and I am grateful for that. Despite contending with other addictions on my path. By the way, one other strategy for not drinking was to eat a good meal. The compulsion for drinking alcohol is much less on a full stomach. In AA years ago I learned the acronym - H.A.L T. It was said that if your an alcoholic, one must guard against getting hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Human beings evolved with having an outrageous sex drive which has made it possible for our species to survive all the diseases and catastrophes that has been there in our history. Many Religions shame people for their animal nature which effectively makes them more prone to manipulation. Sexually repressed people often get really twisted. Like all those Catholic priests who molest little boys. Or sexual repression results in chronic frustration and anger for others. The adrenal type in the endocrine typology, of which I am one, is the most oversexed of all types in our species which is in itself oversexed. Susan Zannos, in my opinion, author of one of the best books on this typology titled simply Human Types; Essence and the Enneagram made a statement concerning instinctive-moving adrenal type men. That they quite often have a certain ignoble habit or tendency,,,,. I’m not going to disparage the disciples of no fap. I know that there are many ways of living with many variables. The idea of sublimation of sexual energy makes sense to me but I could never pull it off. (No pun intended) I once thought in the fairly recent past that if masturbation had been somehow impossible throughout my life, I would probably have already murdered 3000 - 4000 people. So don’t let those forest fires of anger get out of control. Just do what olé Strokey the Bear cub says. Only you can prevent those forest fires of anger in this wilderness of life. Strokey the Bear cub is somewhat of a stroke-slut and a carefree Carebear and many would not even suspect it. It’s true that not everyone is going to heed his advice and that’s okay too. Have a good day.

I have taken psychedelics (2C-B-FLY) once, it gave me a hell experience and some mental problems for years. I have also taken weed once, it also gave me a hell experience. I have also got (kinda the same) hell experiences when sober. So should I try LSD now? I'm pretty sure that it will give me a hell experience too. If I take LSD it will be like playing russian roulette with my sanity at stake. The only reason why I even consider taking the risk is because I'm desperate for my life to get better. Basically my choices is suicide or risk getting insane by taking psychedelics. It would be better to be dead than be alive and insane, so.. I don't know. It's not a easy choice. I'm not saying that I'm seriously considering suicide right now (but I did before), but probably I will seriously consider it again a bit later in my life. So should I take LSD or not?

Why are you considering suicide?

Before commiting suicide, take a breakthrough dose of 5 Meo DMT. Nothing to lose, right? Or take it now, no more beating around the bush of the mind...

Lololololol. I know you lol. Won't say much but I only wish to help you. You better take care though. And no suicide, okay!

Ok then, I will suffer for some years more and then committ suicide.

Happiness tends to move upward as you expand your consciousness. I'm not sure how based on the descriptions those people are internally or how much they've integrated each stage. In Tier-II it's more like peacefulness/equanimity as the baseline no matter what your outward situation is, which is a giant step. But in Tier I you can still have pretty happy people or those on the verge of suicide.

Robert S. de Ropp wrote a Self help classic sometime around the late 1960’s called -The Master Game. Another book of his written after this I enjoyed was called - Self Completion. My favorite of his though was his autobiography called - The Warrior’s Way. de Ropp was born in the late 1800’s in a family of European nobility. Bavarian ,, I think. The last of the family wealth was spent by his father who was a rather cold character. de Ropp educated himself and was one of the first in his field of molecular biology,, I think. Some kind of biology anyway. The hardships of his youth carried over into his adult life where he became one of Ouspensky’s students in Great Britain. Eventually he moved to the states. One of the most memorable parts of his story occurred in Australia during his youth and where he came quite close to committing suicide. Later on in his family life, his first wife went insane and during his second marriage his wife gave birth to a boy who was severely mentally and physically handicapped. For a number of years while he lived in the New York area taking care of his son as compassionately as he could occupied most of his time and resources. He wasn’t a very warm and caring person and reading between the lines one can get a glimpse of some of his inner struggles. He eventually moved to California where he organized small Work groups or schools in the Fourth Way tradition. He succumbed to the force of the Ocean late in life as an old man kayaking off the pacific coast.

@Nadosa Yes but I meant that he was on the verge of suicide and the awakening changed all that, which might not be for some people. I can't claim to know all the details though.

Yes often this is what can push one into the 'dark night of the soul', is what I feel pushed some rich and famous folks to suicide.

Hard times force you into your true colors. Talk is cheap. You can say whatever you want during easy times, that's meaningless and it don't count. I don't approve of anyone who claims enlightenment unless they're tested over and over again all the time, which does not really happen, so nobody ever who claims enlightenment is actually enlightened. I can sit here and philosophize about death all day, it means nothing, because I know that when my time will be up, I will panic like a motherfucker. Fear of death is what keeps us alive, but just the right amount. Too much fear is paralyzing. And no fear at all is dangerous, which is why we don't see fearlessness, because fearless people die quickly (suicide, martyrdom, etc.). Control is made of fear. The more control you think you have, the more fearful you will be. But fear is not necessarily a bad experience. The ego-mind is a genius and it can create positive experiences out of fear. For example, love is just a twisted form of fear. It is the opposite of what Leo says; He is delusional, and everyone that agrees with him. Psychedelics are not a portal to truth or God. They're a portal to delusions and the devil. Fear is the source of everything. Accept it. Accept the truth. Nothing will change, and that's okay.

I am currently working a book with a complicated plot. It is based on a real story about child custody and involves drug abuse, domestic violence, suicide, and more. I may try to cut some of what happened out to make the plot less complicated. Is there a recommendation for how much needs to be written in a novel? I will summarize the plot here before posting parts of the story. Sometimes I cry while writing the story, and I am interpreting it as it is a sign of a good story. I am a senior in high school in 2016. Throughout the year I am looking for ways to reach out for help, but for no avail until the end of the year. The main conflict is that my mother and father are fighting over child support and they are both trying to use their children as pawns to gain an advantage in court. In the story I side with my religious drug dealing father who fled the state to avoid paying child support and his new girlfriend. I side with my father because my siblings are in danger at the other house full of drug addiction and domestic violence between my mother and her new boyfriend. There is a separate, simultaneous case of domestic violence with my father and his girlfriend. Throughout the story the protagonist lies to protect the father who he falsely believes loves him in the hopes of evicting his abusive stepfather, protecting his siblings in the process. Ultimately the story ends with a true event in which I described the entire situation with a power point presentation for literally 100 people. People seem to find this story inspiring and I think it would it would help describe issues such as domestic violence, drug abuse, suicide, child custody, and many other complicated issues which are all in play at the same time during the story. People also seem to think that mental disorder such as autism and OCD create challenging obstacles in addition to everything else. The book has a mixed ending after all of the betrayal between the parents and children. The step father is evicted, dad dies of cancer, my siblings are moved to a foster home, and now I'm with my grandma writing the story. Should I write parts of the story in an actualized journal?

Hey guys, I just took a break from spirituality, and it's probably like the 5th time I started abusing alcohol again. It's been 3 months and I've been drinking every day since. I relapsed like 5 times in 2 years and I'm only 23yo, never took any other drugs (except weed from 14yo-17yo). If you don't want to hear me whine, just read after the "+++++++++++", i'ts basically the same just shorter. Every few months I just can't handle the alcohol sickness anymore, having suicidal thoughts every morning after having a binge, fighting with myself trying to stop and then failing miserably. Stopping for a few months, then I'm somehow forgetting the misery of alcohol sickness and starting again, drinking every day and risking to have bad withdrawal if I stop. I tried to keep it short, and life hasn't been easy for me. Right now I'm not suicidal or even feeling really bad actually, but I can't continue like that. I don't see the point of doing another withdrawal, because I'll just relapse in a few months, and if I continue drinking until I can't handle it anymore. Once that happens I'll be in fucking pain, knowing that it's only a temporary relief from suffering. I already was able to give up on my spiritual pursuit, but I end up drinking and suffering. I'm taking half a dose of antidepressants every days, I've come to accept the fact that I'll never gonna be able to live without chemical substances. Unfortunately, I don't believe (and I haven't mentioned too much about it) a lot of people get how much suffering life can offer you. LOL. How often have I tried to explain people what I went/go through. Even when I don't consider what I'm going through as actual suffering, some people consider my "normal state" as suffering. I don't know what went wrong with me, but something fucked me up pretty bad. I vaguely remember being moderately happy and existence being beautiful, but it seems like a distant impossible alternative existence. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Sorry for confused whining about my feelings/situation here is a TLDR: I'm suffering. I've tried everything. I've had years of moderate suffering, months of intense suffering and days of absolute horror of existence. I became a robot that's programmed to escape suffering. I'm just programmed to do that right now, and I naively believe enlightenment is my only way out. Unfortunately, I am also an alcoholic and addicted to nicotine, I also have responsibilities (a business and disabled mother). I am either going to be a homeless heroin junkie, get enlightened or kill myself. I am SERIOUS when writing that. I don't have any other choices, and I have no more energy to lead a normal life. The suffering I was willing to go through for years is because I don't want my family to suffer my absence/suicide. Unfortunately I don't have the energy or motivation to get a "normal" fulfilling life again. So now I'm all-in on classical enlightenment. I'm gonna probably go to a therevadan buddhist monastery, unless you guys have better ideas. I can't take psychedelics because I'm at risk of developing schizophrenia (my psychiatrist told me). One more alternative would be to take really fucking strong antidepressants, which are only prescribed to people who are about to blow their brains out. Do you guys have been in a similar situation? It feels like a vicious circle with no way out. Going downhill, things getting worse relapse after relapse --> leading to despair. Getting beaten by a force stronger than me. Do you (european) guys have good recommendations for monasteries or retreats within a 1000km range of luxembourg?

No, but I'm reading a book which has been written specifically for the problem I'm dealing with and I'm doing the assignments, so I guess I'm kinda doing therapy by myself? I don't know if that'll work, but I'm giving it a shot... But sometimes it feels very overwhelming and I feel too alone in this and I start to seriously consider suicide, but I'm also scared of that too, because who knows what that will lead to... Which makes the problem even worse. Maybe I'll try a low low low low dose, see what happens...

Life can go wrong for everybody. Being wise and knowledgeable helps. But it is not a guarantee. Life is really a challenge and you can destroy the average person very easily. A health scare Or an illness can derails anyones life. It's easy to be happy when things go your way. When you have your Internet connection, money in the bank account etc. Take all of that and many will commit suicide even if they are conscious. Most people I know are super privileged. They have no idea how terrifying life can become. And the challenges they have faced are childs play. Tomorrow you may get a cancer diagnosis or become paralysed . That can completely destroy your life or not. Some people can't endure too much suffering. Only the strong make it.

If I have bipolar it would be a very mild case then. I don’t experience the extreme highs bipolar people experience. When I talk about the periods I feel good, I just feel very confident in what to say, words come automatically, things feel natural. The lows can be pretty low tho. Never attempted suicide but did have those thoughts. I dont self harm but I can cry intensely and feel sad for a full day, then it becomes lighter each day. As I said, I want to avoid medication at all costs and need a better understanding of myself I think

I think it's more than one thing. If I look back this is what I think leads to the right kind of life: You need to sow the right seeds of desire in your mind. If your desire has to do with getting validation from the outside world or indulging in pleasures (like getting money, sex, and fame) then you are bound to get jealous, hateful, hurt, etc. You are stuck in an endless race. You are doomed if you win and doomed if you lose, you will forever be insecure. But if you plant the right kind of desire. Like the desire to grow yourself, meaning to be the highest version of yourself, then there are endless possibilities. There is no hate or jealousy here, and you won't become a slave to the object of your pleasure. I think the desire to do something in life, even if you don't know what yet, is the deciding factor. If you don't have this desire, IMO life becomes a slow suicide. And then, you need to strengthen this desire by aligning your emotions with it, because emotions are energy in motion. It would happen overtime. And you need to find a path, by increasing your knowledge and experience, that you can trust to reach your goals. So, right desire -> strengthening it by emotions -> finding a path by knowledge -> believing in the path and desire. This is coming from personal experience, whenever I didn't have the desire to do something in life, I have suffered massively.

I'm so glad you said this. At least someone who sees bad things being spoken so openly on this thread. I was so hesitant on saying anything on this thread. I am an Indian girl who comes from a culture where the social rhetoric is that if a girl is raped, she is damaged goods who should never get a chance to marry or have a partner. In fact the social ostracization of raped women is so harsh in our country that raped girls are often told their life is not worth living and many of them opt suicide. Thanks for your comment. At least someone understands the gravity of the issue

Being high conscious means knowing who you are, doing what feels authentic, what feels right to YOU. The spiritual path is not about trying to live up to an ideal of what the highest consciousness spiritual path looks like. The path is about coming closer to who you are as an individual. It is about becoming emotionally free to do what you want to do. To explore your passions and desires. I would be careful absorbing too much conceptual spirituality. Making the distinction between you and your ego can be a valuable realization, but the context around that is a lot more important. the distinction between you and your ego does not make your individuality less true or conscious. Be true to yourself, that's the highest lesson. This kind of thinking is why people commit suicide in the name of spirituality here on the forum because they aspire to be something bigger than what they are but don't understand they are already all of it no matter the shape or form. Don't be so hard on 'your' ego - or yourself? , just do what you want to do and what feels natural whatever that is.

@Thewizardking I get what you mean. Same kind of experiences can happen on weed too. And also, this kind of pattern threw me into serious mental health crisis. I spent time in psych ward and had to take antipsychotics. The netflix show seemed to tell me I had to commit suicide. So yeah, it can get pretty horrifying. ? This is conceptualization rather than meditation. This is when you are averting feeling and projecting/running into thought-stories and narratives. I would advice you not to take these substances. If you are looking for wellbeing, insight, joyful living and inspiration, build the foundation with meditation, dreamboard and self-expression. Believe it or not, these are even better than just tripping.

A moment of silence for user Waveintheocean. Can we all hold a moment of silence in the memory of a community member waveintheocean who departed in the month of December by committing suicide. Condolences and prayers to his family and anyone who is mourning his loss. I don't remember interacting with the user waveintheocean (perhaps rarely if at all) and so I do not know much about this user, although I deeply regret his loss since he was a member of this community, I feel a sense of connection that way. I was hesitant on making this post, not sure about what I wanted to say, but I thought it was my social responsibility to compose a general message in the hope that others will pick it up and not repeat the same. It saddens me deeply that user waveintheocean did not try to seek help either through this forum or privately before this tragedy occurred. You're truly missed Waveintheocean. It's sad that you left us. Maybe you could have let us know what you were going through and we would have helped you in whatever way we could. It's sad and unfortunate that this opportunity was never given. Your loss affects us more than you know now that you are gone. Many people on this forum feel suicidal. I personally been through those struggles. My heart goes out to you and understands your pain. Last night I cried thinking about you and how you left.. I felt as though you felt a sense of emptiness and felt this life was pointless. I want users to know to not take non dual teachings so seriously that they lose the zest for life. Life is worth living in your darkest and emptiest days. Don't ever lose hope. Your life is precious. Every life is. I personally don't know what sort of a hell the user waveintheocean was going through days before his death but it seems he saw no way out. He probably even felt that psychedelics and non duality was a solution to his emptiness and life's issues but sadly non duality can be very misleading for those who are looking for a way to live a fulfilling life. Often people come to the forum complaining about how non duality made them lose interest in everyday life things, perhaps we as community members can pay more attention to such complaints rather than just debating frivolously on non duality. If it impacts people negatively, there must be some truth to their complaints, there might be something for everyone to learn and understand that if something doesn't really help you find what you need in life, then you shouldn't cling to it out of herd mentality. Non-dual teachings are not meant to lead toward leading a happy or fulfilled existence as seen in the past 2 suicides on this forum alone. Maybe it's an illusion to think that you will magically find the truth in non duality. I'm not bashing non duality here, simply mentioning that it might work for some but not for others. Also this forum has a tendency to float this view that life is boring without infinite consciousness states, yes I agree that life has both materialistic and spiritual paradigms, but it's wrong to assume that life is pointless petty if you haven't achieved God realization or infinite consciousness or enlightenment. Life is worthy with or without. Your life does not become pointless because you did not follow non dual teachings nor is death a way to achieve such truth. Remember you could be using non dual teachings as escapism and taking life for granted. Please don't. Life is too precious to think of losing it even it meant you're reaching some form of truth. Nothing is more Valuable than life itself. Even though this sounds cliché, it needs constant reiteration. 1. Psychedelics and non duality are not the end all be all. Please take psychedelics seriously and not something that you should do as an experiment especially if you are dealing with some form of mental disorder psychological issues like mania, depression, suicidal ideation, trauma etc because taking psychedelics purely for experimental or recreational reasons when your basic state of mind is in chaos could be a disaster. Be careful while trying to find the truth especially when psychedelics are involved and don't take unnecessary risks. Your insights while tripping on such things meanwhile having an unstable mind/emotional state could easily lead you to a path of suicide and chaos. Please don't go straight to the idea of enlightenment even when your basics aren't in order or figured out. You're adding too much too sudden to your already complicated existence. Be grounded in reality. Your insights need to have some structure, some tethering to reality. If you feel that you are experiencing chaos, immediately stop the usage of psychedelics and first come to a ground state. Your basic life should have some order in order to keep suicidal thoughts out. Non duality is just a concept. You don't have to and you don't need to turn it into an ideology and it's not the best one at that when you are looking for healing and psychological well-being. Don't think about it as a road to ultimate happiness, in fact it is anything but that. Most people don't register themselves as happy and fulfilled when they follow these paths anyway. It overlooks other aspects of life terribly .. aspects that are paramount to human happiness. Most people don't have a fundamental grounding and the necessary family support to cope, when they begin to get trapped into these rabbit holes of non dual spirituality. They find themselves in sudden chaos and life becomes to seem endlessly confusing, chaotic, mundane, boring and their detachment to life reaches such high levels that they begin to feel disoriented and dissociated from basic existence and see suicide as a cop out from their confusion and malady and see death as a means of attaining truth and liberation, a classic rabbit hole and fallacy. Please consider this. 2. Embracing Reality. I recently came across this insight that a part of my spirituality kit was to embrace reality as much as possible, whether I like it or not. It's important to embrace reality. Suicide does not lead to truth. A lot of users confuse Mahasamadhi and the concepts of infinite consciousness with death and try to bypass life to get to it. That's an error. If you do not embrace reality, it's difficult to get the most out of life, plus some way or another reality will come and slap you in the face at some point if you don't make peace with it. Please understand that reality is not your enemy even if it's often cold and harsh. It's only a mirror, a tool to navigate through the maze of life. 3. Importance of compassion. No matter whatever negative opinions we have about others on this forum, it's important to hold compassion for everyone. One way to practice compassion is to hold a completely non judgemental view of the other. We never know what someone might be dealing with or going through. We are not in their place/shoes. Our opinions are merely opinions at the end of the day. We are here to uplift each other. People who seem to be doing well in life or generally happy or seem to be making tremendous progress on the spiritual side might still have their psychological and emotional demons that they're dealing with. It's not necessary that if someone is spiritually progressing they are automatically perfect and not struggling with anything. Please don't judge. Don't judge someone struggling in life as incomplete, unwise, defective or "misusing the forum" or "trainwreck" or unworthy of help or a lost cause. We all need some form of help. That's why we are all here in the first place. This is not a competition of who is perfect and who is defective. Let's not play favoritism games. Everyone deserves help and fully entitled to receive help on this forum in whatever way they see fit. Let's not judge how they seek to get help, it's up to them. If we stay non judgemental on serious issues like suicide and depression, people will be more likely to open up about their struggles without hesitation and fear of judgement and we can stop them from an actual suicide. Maybe they can't afford therapy. Maybe they don't have access to therapy or insurance. Lady Gaga very recently emphasized on the importance of awareness on mental health struggles and how millions of people cannot afford therapy in America alone, think about the situation in poorer countries. People who look perfect on the outside or seems like they are well put together, could be falling apart on the inside, maybe they have some sort of internal conflict, some sort of internal pain that is bothering them, maybe they don't feel like talking about it out of the fear that they would be judged or that they would be perceived as not so perfect or they would be stopped being taken seriously. It's important to not make a person feel like they committed some crime or failed to show proper growth (as per forum standards), whenever they became vulnerable and opened about their personal struggles. Shaming someone, judging someone for their personality, personal life or flaws is a big reason why people don't dare to open up about their truest deepest struggles. Is out forum so drenched in scarcity mindset that we cannot accommodate or give space to people who are struggling? Do we constantly need to engage in ego validation debates of who is better than who. We need to drop this and reduce the stage orange competitive nature and adopt the compassionate approach. No matter how wise, spiritually advanced, calm, centered one appears, deep down they could be struggling as well, nor is there a need to judge someone who is vocal about their struggles and forsake them or deem them unworthy of appreciation. If we can talk about having compassion for pedophiles, then we can definitely extend compassion to those who feel weak, helpless, struggling, those who feel depressed, suicidal, those who have emotional issues because everyone deserves compassion, not just a specific group. Let's not invalidate someone's struggles nor their need for appreciation and acceptance. Everyone deserves a chance to open up without being subjected to your biases and invalidation or your judgement. There's a tendency on this forum to demonize suicide or suicidal depression by constantly saying "this is not the place." I understand that someone dealing with such issues might need real world help like a suicide hotline, therapy etc, yet constantly headlining that people with such issues should go look elsewhere is a sign of dismissiveness, indifference and disowning such people and their issues, simply because we don't want to deal with it, we want to turn a blind eye when we can do at least a tiny bit to help people with such issues by simply giving them space to open up and by being non judgemental. The more we judge and shun people with suicidal issues/depression/trauma issues, the the harder it will be for people like that to come forward for treatment. You definitely want them to seek other forms of help, but you want them to seek help in a safe place in a safe way without turning them away. 4. Using practical help Not everything is healed by spirituality. It's important to seek professional help if you have the means to do so. Don't rely on this forum completely. After all it is just a forum where anyone can join, not a paradise. A lot of disordered people join here and it's best to not take advice from them. Don't follow any advice here blindly. Don't abuse psychedelics. Don't take Leo's advice with a grain of salt. If Leo's advice is not applicable to you, doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. If you're in a critical situation, best to avoid the forum as much as possible because it can fuck with your head kinda badly. If you have medical problems don't consider psychedelics and non duality just because Leo tells you so. First work out on your problems safely and with assistance. Be open to ask for help. If someone is trying to play spiritual dick measuring contest with you, avoid them. You're here primarily to help yourself, not to prove anything to Leo or anyone. Namaste and condolences. Preety.