Search the Community

I think I have found the definitive answer to what is good/right and what is bad/wrong. And it applies to everything. This is actually obvious, but it's still nice to consciously be aware of it and understand it, because then you can consciously do a suffering calculation for every decision and opinion. And it should maximize the chance of making right decisions, having healthy opinions, and be a good person. Good/right is that which in total causes least amount of suffering for everyone involved. Bad/wrong is that which in total causes more suffering for everyone involved. The examples where this can be applied are endless since it applies to everything. You can make rational calculations about everything, what will result in least amount of total suffering? Although with some things it can be difficult to make the calculation. And you also have to see the suffering total thing in a long term time perspective, unfortunately the human intellect can't predict what effect a decision/action today will have in a million years, but this should at least be a start. Topics like: abortion. Gun control. Right wing vs left wing. Which countries are good and which are bad. Who is wrong and who is right when a couple is fighting. Humanitarian interventions with military. Should you quit your job or stay. Should you go to bed now or not. Euthanasia. Suicide. Break up with partner or not. Nuke Japan (in WW2) or not. Brush your teeth or not. Some things which are easy to calculate: abortion is good, since the fetus doesn't suffer at all from it, but the parents (and probably the child) escapes lots of suffering (ofc assuming that there's a good reason for the abortion.) Guns should be banned in USA. The suffering caused by everyone shooting everyone constantly every day 24/7 is much higher than the suffering caused by not owning a toy. Euthanasia. There should definitely be euthanasia in all countries. Suicide. From my point of view I should definitely kill myself. It would spare me a lot of suffering. There's no question about that. But since it would completely destroy the lives of my parents, the win for me not having to suffer is probably less than two lives getting completely destroyed. So the suffering total calculation tells me to not kill myself. USA nuking Japan in WW2. It was probably the right thing to do because if Japan hadn't surrendered then more lives would've been lost and it would had resulted in a larger suffering total. Right wing is wrong and left wing is right. Because I think right wing causes more suffering, because they are selfish etc. Suffering every day a tiny bit by brushing your teeth has a lower suffering total than not brushing your teeth and then your teeth rot away. So really, anything that causes least amount of suffering is good and right. Now let's in our lives rationally calculate our actions, decisions and opinions based on the suffering total formula.

Last night I had a weird dream. My parents own property that is accessed partly by two different woods roads. I dreamed that someone decided to sell lobster out of an outlet on one of the roads which was very strange. I was distrusting of him, like anyone that used to ever go in there. When I walked or ran there, I would listen for a vehicle, and if I heard one I would usually hide in the woods. Whether that's because that's normal behavior when you live in the middle of nowhere, or because my parents constantly told me to be careful and fueled my fears, I don't know. There was a person who had showed up to deliver something and the person had had quills like a porcupine, which was absolutely bizarre. Then later me and my mother were cleaning out really old stuff that was my Grandmothers? and there was this sewing box full of antique needles that were incredibly well made, like a lot of old tools. So of course, I could interpret this a lot of ways, but going along with what's on my mind, and the synchronicity of sewing needles and porcupine quills, the message might be, use what is past for creation, not protection. And that's exactly what I was sort of trying to see through with my Grandmother. She was quite feminine, loved beautiful things, loved crafts, loved making things, and yet, much of the time was miserable, and there are multiple reasons why I get compared with her. So... this reminds me of something, maybe I shouldn't go here. If you're female, being an artist is the occupation that puts you at the highest risk for suicide. https://www.statista.com/statistics/1096882/working-female-suicide-rate-by-detailed-occupation-group-us/ There's some correlation with creativity and depression, and I think, I know it's spiritual awakening related. I think there's a major misunderstanding of society here. A creative woman is born with incredible gifts, gifts that the world needs most right now, but because they are exactly what the world needs most right now, they WILL be devalued and laughed at, and part of her gifts are a sort of vulnerability and fragility, that isn't what it seems. She's like the mouse in the Gruffalo book. (I really wish @remember hadn't been banned, who gave me this insight into the meaning of that book, but there's another example of devaluing the feminine that's stuck in my craw). She herself CREATES a more powerful monster than the predictors, and she TOO must out-wile the monster she herself created to just happily enjoy eating a nut at the end of the book. Ok wow. This went deeper and more to the heart of things than I was thinking it would. Thinking it would? Really? If she herself starts to believe this perspective too, that she is not worth much, that she is weak, that she is prey, she may begin to feel that she is worthless too. And she IS prey, prey to (pray to!) a bigger monster than the ones initially placed in the forest, but to the monster of her own creation. What the world needs most, is for you to know and feel your own worth, no matter who you are, no matter what gifts you have. It doesn't matter what society is like, it doesn't matter what the world is like, all that matters is my own alignment with me. My Grandmother gave me the tools for creation, and she gave me the clarity that comes from contrast on how to use them in a way that is aligned with Self.

You create your own purpose and values and meaning (or you don't) while being aware that you are creating it (making it up). That is if you are an existential nihilist. If you are an ordinary person.. You borrow the meaning from religions and or an outside authority that you don't question (because you are not conscious enough to question your beliefs). For a nihilist.. there is no "objective" meaning flying around and that's true. and a nihilist generally doesn’t try to find a subjective meaning to life either. But here is a contradiction.. if you are alive.. that means you have found some reason to live.. something that makes life preferable to death. It is impossible to (rationally) live without a reason because we all suffer and feel pain. Without any reason to endure suffering a rational person would commit suicide.. and cease to live. So as a nihilist.. you can recognise that there is no inherent meaning to life.. and any meaning we create for ourselves is an illusion and a distraction from the truth and finding a meaning in life still doesn’t change anything on an existential level; you will die.. cease to exist and forget everything. But for a nihilist to live.. they have to have some reason.. it might not be concrete or specific, it may be complex or they have decided just to live for the sake of it. Why should it matter if anything matters objectively anyway? Try to detach from the need for meaning.

If everything would be meaningless to somebody, the person would commit as suicide at this particular moment and be dead. Meaning a nihilist never existed. It is just an idea people give meaning towards.

@The_Truth_Seeker Please reconsider this post. Play "devil's" advocate. I'm not sure why you think @WaveInTheOcean 's answer was toxic, but I have to agree with them. Counter-intuitively suicide is highly selfish, and using spirituality is a fantastic way to hide that. Find it within yourself to enjoy what life has to offer, and stop trying to rationalize suicide. Hopefully once you open your eyes, you'll see how deep a hole your digging yourself in. Good luck my friend.

@The_Truth_Seeker I resonate with a lot of what you are saying. Human life seems ... very limited. But I strongly suspect killing yourself wont help. You might end up in a worse situation, or end up in some kind of hell-realm that you yourself have put in place as some sort of negative-reinforcement against suicide, but I'm just speculating, there's no way we can really know. In other words, there is no other way out. Enlightenment seems to be the only way out. So you want out? Start working towards this objective.

Hey guys! I have registered myself on the government vaccine wait list yesterday and today I got an sms saying that on wednesday I can already get my first shot. The thing is my family are all against this covid vaccine and no matter what explanation I give them they would always have an answer back even though I respect their decision and don't talk them into getting it. My mom said she will accept me for getting it but I still don't want to tell her as this will further cause more discussions. They are pitting me as if I am committing suicide....don't know why. How would you cope in this situation? Thanks all.

Thursday 25/03/2021 14:47 Some strange deja vu feelings. Depression flared up with a particular flavour that I recognise. Maybe it's the time I woke up, the healthy food I ate and I'm currently hungry, the warmer temperature outside. Why was I dragged into life with any of this I wonder? Why did any of this happen? Why were my senses of reality uprooted as far back as I can remember? Why was I ever brainwashed with Islam? Why did I ever get bliss from it? Why did I ever develop an existential depression? I just rewind this unfolding and all I see are dominos and inevitably, forced into a path and fate before I could comprehend what was even going on. None of it makes sense. And for no apparent reason, I just feel the strangest feelings I haven't felt in a long time. And when these particular feelings come back, it feels like some of my memory also returns to me. These feelings. These feelings are the old form of how my depression used to feel. In a sense it feels purer, but it feels more heavy and totalistic because of that. Now I remember why or what I ever used to be explicitly suicidal for, now that I at least temporarily have these dimensions of my emotion returned to me. In this particular moment, I feel like my old self and feeling. Which you would assume is good but what it does to me is just remind me how fragmented and discontinuous I am. All these images and memories, past versions of myself, it all feels like one crazy or one bad trip. My life feels like one crazy bad dream. Maybe because I desired it so I now, at least right now, feel these feelings I had lost or forgotten. But now I feel more anxiety and fear from it. This was the anxiety and fear I turned my back on, cauterised myself to and ran away from. This pain is intense but...I also feel happy on some level for feeling what I thought was lost. This anxiety and uncertainty is intense. My recovered dimensions of emotion may pass away now, but I hope not. Honestly speaking, I could die happy like this. I'm grateful that I have my old feelings and dimensions of emotion in this moment, even if it is in the form of anxiety, and this feels like a "me" I wouldn't mind dying as. I'll take it any day over my cauterised self. I feel back in time 2-3 years ago. Some point 1-2 years ago, I have a blackout in perception corresponding to my antidepressant shenanigans. I think I'm maybe starting to understand things a bit better. I ended up cauterising myself because I couldn't handle this intense anxiety. The cost of shoving down and repressing my anxiety was the loss of liveliness and sensitivity. A tragic shame really, but I understand it. In a tragic sense, I did a mini suicide to myself already. With this currently alert and aware brain, I can see why. All I'm at right now, in this particular moment, is a visit to my state back in time. Whether I stay here I don't know. The chains of the past are both important to understand but move on from. Having this experience now makes me the more weary to arrive or finish something, dont know what that something is. Weary to overcome these chains -- I feel the flavour of my original depression, like sent back in time. I feel like a time traveller almost, sent back in time to correct the mistakes I made. Maybe this was the reason I was subconsciously attracted to this song I would listen to over and over on repeat. It wasn't until just now that I don't think I realised what the English translation lyrics of the song even meant, even though I skimmed over it. But the idea just popped into my head randomly now. I read the lyrics translations but my brain never interpreted or put the right pieces together. https://bakemonogatari.fandom.com/wiki/Decent_Black I probably interpreted this correctly the first time I read it a while ago, but my brain just now reframed and regrouped what sentences I put together to fit what I feel. Now I'm reading it as "Let's find the answer, regrets and mistakes" rather than just finding the answer (and not finding the regret and mistake). -- This primal fear and anxiety I feel, my mistake was running away from it. Well, now I feel it. Boy is it hard to deal with though

I have been told by spiritual masters that the greatest wisdom and enlightenment is accessible not by seeking it but through a complete surrender of all hopes, ideas, beliefs and even the senses. I've been reflecting on the following quotes for the last 10 years to no avail: “Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you” -Lao Tzu. Darryl Anka (Bashar) said, “There are many definitions regarding the word “surrender.” Many label this as a loss of some sort or a lack of control of some sort…and this is not the case. Surrender is actually the acceptance of your total self. It is not in that sense the forsaking of your total self as many of you have been led to believe through the definitions that your world has provided you with. Definitions such as those only serve to limit you. Surrender is the letting go of the concept of who you think you’re supposed to be and actually being who you are because who you are is unlimited possibilities. When you allow yourself to surrender all ideas, all hopes, then the physical reality which is only a mirror can then reflect those unlimited possibilities back to you.” “As long as your shallow worldly ambitions exist (aka: hopes, beliefs, attachments to traditions, the seeking of energy) the door will not open”- Lao Tzu. I just can't seem to realize what's the point of being alive if my participation in life is not needed. If everything is perfect as it is what's the point of evolution and learning or even spirituality? To simply sit and watch the trees until you run out of food and die - I don't understand it. How can I completely surrender and let go of goals and hopes but also seek to benefit humankind and develop myself? How can I surrender my expectations when I know that I am surrendering in order to transcend the ego - that's already a goal. What's the point of my true nature being unlimited possibilities if all desire to express myself is a distraction. If nothing is lacking then why am I not aware of my light, surely at least this awareness is lacking. I don't know something feels off with that last step that is required to penetrate the veil and directly experience truth. It's like you have to commit psychological suicide on the off-chance that something might come of it. But then that's already hope/belief so again back to square 1. At the very least I enjoy this world and want to play with it, I don't want to be some miserable yogi in a cave who renounced everything because some doctrine said something about it. What's the point of being human if all of our senses are an impediment to waking up. What's the point of this world, this life if its only purpose is to be an illusion, a prison for our minds. I am fucking tired of these games. I am so frustrated. I am tired of this burden and seeking this secret door that never opens...

@Alex bAlex And my condolences about your grandmother... On to our topic at hand. At the risk of sounding cynical, selling a bunch of crap to supposedly extend people's lives, playing on their fears surrounding death, makes an easy tidy profit. Besides that, as I think you already well understand the ego is The survival mechanism of the human condition. Ego wants to live. It's drive is to survive no matter what. I will add Life, God, wants to live, including through you, and this is where ego gets, and from some perspectives corrupts with selfish division, the idea from. In addition to all of that in Western civilization the moral underpinnings you are asking about come from the Christian Church as well as the foundations of Western medicine. Suicide in it's many forms (for honor, as punishment, in sympathy, for ritual sacrifice, and of course out of fear, and many more) and the putting to death of the elderly, disabled, and ill varied from ancient civilization to civilization, but such things often grossly failed to meet our modern standards of compassionate care. Before Christianity ruled our world religiously motivated ritual suicide and assisted suicide (willing human sacrifice) was not uncommon. Christianity came on the scene with a Lord and Savior God-man/apocalyptic prophet who's claim to fame was his sacrificial death and resurrection that rewards all his loyal followers with their own resurrection after death... in paradise as vastly improved versions of themselves none the less... Do you see how suicide and martyrdom may have been a concern for the Church? How does one build a successful powerful institution if all it's most dedicated adherents have an underlying drive to kill themselves or get themselves killed. Starting from it's origins and to this day the Church has preached and taught against suicide, including that it was an unforgivable mortal sin against God. "Secular" legal systems followed the lead of the Church. Suicide then would get you damned in the afterlife, your body disrespected, your family ostracized, all of yours and possibly all of your families property seized... and if your attempt was unsuccessful you could expect all of that plus being excommunicated and jailed. Any sort if assisted suicide and even medical personnel not doing everything they can to preserve life is also arguably against the Hippocratic Oath and by many is considered unethical. Unless medical personnel have been notified by you to the contrary, the default position is that they are obligated to do their best to save and preserve your life and they most certainly cannot purposely take it. This is changing to some extent. There is an increasing acceptance of euthanasia amongst doctors. I forget which ones, but consensual euthanasia is now legal in just a few states in the US. And as I said in another post, although it can have very serious consequences for the caregiver (prison, license loss, fines and civil suits) ending the extreme suffering of some in hospice is definitely an off-the-books practice. Lastly, since suicide is our topic I want to say I have personally known two people that have killed themselves and have seen first hand how it utterly wrecks, and I mean permanently destroys the lives of, their families and friends. I've also worked with suicidal children. Most people, and I would add especially young people, who say they want to kill themselves are actually just crying out for help. This is why we try to stop them and help them, because that is what they really want and need. People who actually want to kill themselves just do it with little to no warning or cry for help. If you are lucky they may leave you a nice note. If you are unlucky the note will not be so nice. In conclusion, kill your ego if you can, but not your Higher human Self even though your Absolute Self cannot be killed. Death is coming for your humanity very soon, likely much sooner than you think. Contemplate that often as it is healthy. Use this information to foster gratitude for what little life you have in this form and do the best you can with the gift Life has given you. Oh, last thing. This notion of peaceful death that you and others I've seen around here have is wishful thinking to a great extent. I have sat with many dying people. Dying is typically both physically and psychologically a hell beyond measure. The moment of death is often peaceful, like a weight has been lifted from the world, but the amount of suffering most go through in the dying process can be extreme. Much of it is self-inflicted. This is why it is good to contemplate and become comfortable with death. This is why this thread is valuable. My advice to all is be sure to die before you die as it will grant you a better life and a better death. What more could we ask for, lol

Thank you @universe & @Ryan R It really helped me to get more understanding on this subject. I wasn't aware of "Living WIll" so I will have to have a look at it. At the moment I am running in circles with suicide and free will/ determinism. I have to go deeper on the free will subject to understand it and then come back and analyse the suicide aspect of it before spiral into conception/abortions/ morality... A lot of great stuff around here. Thanks again

Let's answer this with a poem by Charles Bukowski: if it doesn't come bursting out of you in spite of everything, don't do it. unless it comes unasked out of your heart and your mind and your mouth and your gut, don't do it. if you have to sit for hours staring at your computer screen beatbox or hunched over your typewriter beatbox searching for words beats, don't do it. if you're doing it for money or fame, don't do it. if you're doing it because you want women in your bed, don't do it. if you have to sit there and rewritebeatbox it again and again, don't do it. if it's hard work just thinking about doing it, don't do it. if you're trying to write beatbox like somebody else, forget about it. if you have to wait for it to roar out of you, then wait patiently. if it never does roar out of you, do something else. if you first have to read beatbox it to your wife or your girlfriend or your boyfriend or your parents or to anybody at all, you're not ready. don't be like so many writers beatboxers, don't be like so many thousands of people who call themselves writers beatboxers, don't be dull and boring and pretentious, don't be consumed with self- love. the libraries of the world have yawned themselves to sleep over your kind. don't add to that. don't do it. unless it comes out of your soul like a rocket, unless being still would drive you to madness or suicide or murder, don't do it. unless the sun inside you is burning your gut, don't do it. when it is truly time, and if you have been chosen, it will do it by itself and it will keep on doing it until you die or it dies in you. there is no other way. and there never was.

I know exactly how you feel. Around 6 years ago I suffered from terrible anxiety. It was so bad that I thought my brain wouldn't be able to handle it and I will descend into madness, which of course only made me more afraid because I didn't want to go mad. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't work, I couldn't talk to people it was hell. At one point it got so bad that I was more afraid of the anxiety than of actually dying so I contemplated suicide to stop the fear. I think this is the moment when I slowly started to realize that this wasn't really about survival but about my mind trying to figure out what's the absolute worst thing that can happen so that I could give it permission to rest. So I kept getting better and better and producing horror movies in my head. What if this, what if that. But how do I know this, how do I know that. How can I trust my senses, how can I trust my thoughts, what to trust bla bla bla. Absolute paranoia... Suffice it to say that this period of my life left me with hardcore trauma that I am still recovering from (successfully). The good news is that the anxiety is gone completely and guess what I am still alive. I don't remember the exact journey I had to go through to solve this but I remember a few cornerstone events which dissolved the problem. 1. I started taking magnesium and ashwagandha (this doesn't address the cause of the problem but helps the brain calm down as you work through your issues - it really works) 2. I met this psychotherapist/spiritual teacher and I told him how I am completely uncertain of what's real and what's not and how I can't stop doubting everything and he told me this: "If you are going to doubt everything you should also doubt your doubting as well." This was the first Eureka moment I had. I had been so immersed in my doubting that I had become incapable of actually observing what I was doing in my mind. It was now doubting for doubting sake. I had convinced myself that just because I am capable of conceptualizing a doubt in my mind this must be somehow valuable, but this was no longer rooted in my direct experience of reality, it was just me creating horror movies in my mind. His advice was so powerful to me that I felt instant relief. 3. I realized that doubts are simply the byproducts of beliefs. Whenever we adopt a certain worldview that's not based on our direct and honest experience but on some belief system, doubt starts creeping in because deep down we know we have never experienced that particular information that we've put there and we become afraid that we might be delusional. As we start letting go of those core beliefs, the corresponding doubts fade away as well. You see doubts aren't really capable of proving the belief true, only experience is. Doubts are just alarms that something is "fishy" in our world view. At the time I was a big Buddhist nerd and I had filled my head with all kinds of beliefs about what reality is, what the senses are, what experience is, what the mind is yada yada yada, but it was all doctrine not experience but I was clinging to it because I had invested so much time researching it that I didn't want to let it go. One day I just got sick and tired of believing shit that wasn't in my experience and I started letting go of that whole nonsense. I decided that I am no longer interested in other people telling me what the world is, but instead I was interested in directly experiencing what the world is for myself through honest inquiry based on experience, not fantasies, concepts and belief systems. I completely let Buddhism go and released another layer of mental instability. 4. I decided I wanted to visit this spiritual master in India that I had resonated with, so I did. I went on a solo trip to India for 40 days. We did satsang every day except for weekends. It was a direct experience inquiry as you go method that allowed me to uncover the awareness behind the thoughts and feelings - something many people report to have discovered after long years of meditation. Essentially I experienced this facet of my mind that was always the same regarding of what else was happening - whether I was afraid, or depressed, whether I was happy or sad it didn't really matter, there was this "silent awareness" place in my mind where thoughts and emotions had no foothold. It wasn't nothingness either, it was simply awareness. And it provided massive relief for me because the experience of it was of something really healthy, really stable, really reliable as opposed to the volatile storm of doubts, fears and madness that the lower facets of mind were. I could go there whenever I wanted and knowing that I no longer had to be a slave of my thoughts this alone deleted a massive portion of my anxiety. Once I came back home from India my mom said I was a completely transformed person. And I knew it because I never had a panic attack since then, and trust me it wasn't for lack of problems in my life. 5. Transcendental meditation - A really simple technique that you do twice a day that allows you to release stress, restore a harmonious state of mind, and give yourself a break. This teaches you that you don't need a reason to give yourself permission to let go and relax which is one of the reasons why we are so attached to fear - the belief that we need something else to give us permission to let it go. Don't cling to logic, logic is just a tool. You are more than your logic you can give yourself permission to relax for no reason, don't diminish yourself to just one of your faculties. 6. Watch Sadhguru and Eckhart Tolle on YouTube, They are cool guys who will gently guide you to a more harmonious state of mind which transcends this fear based living. So to summarize - I am still capable of fear but I never have generalized anxiety or panic attacks anymore. The good healthy fear somehow knows when to come on its own and protect me when I need protection - it doesn't require me bringing it up through my thoughts. I am not too concerned with survival either because I am not even sure that's a thing to be honest. I have discovered higher dimensions of experience such as inspiration and purpose which have become more important to me than survival. Ironically enough I am not acting in any reckless or self-destructive ways at all. I am embracing harmony in everything that I do and that's way more effective than being afraid. Don't resist the fear, don't resist the anxiety allow yourself to feel the fully. If you are afraid you will die, don't resist it, don't try to hide from it or suppress it, just be afraid you will die and see what happens it just flows through you like a jolt of electricity and disappears into the nothingness it came from. You realize it was never substantial, just some radio noise your brain picks up and lets go. It's liberating in fact it even becomes exhilarating the fear of death is completely transmuted into a little bit of excitement that flows through you. If you are really stuck in madness right now, don't despair, no matter how bleak it seems it really is you causing it, no matter how much you want to believe that your situation in life justifies your suffering it's really you causing it. Keep at it and soon you will transcend the need to hurt yourself this way. And most importantly remember this: Just because you have a thought, doesn't mean you have to believe it. You are the master not the slave. Cheers and good luck.

https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Some Q-anoners have even committed suicide after Trump lost.

Yes, this obvious. For someone as cognitively contemplative as Leo, this should be very very obvious. But I suspect he is nervous about being a bad debater. Despite all the pickup stuff, he still has traces of social awkwardness, like in his Martin Ball video where he speaks a lot less eloquently than usual. When it comes to "Professor" Dave (is he a real professor?), you can be good at balancing equations and teaching physics concepts while still having a garbage unintelligent view of reality, ie. the idea that anything exists outside of Consciousness. His consciousness is low, otherwise he'd see the lack of boundary between nothingness and Malkhut. And if Leo was a cult leader (he can't be here because most Actualized.org followers very high critical thinking skills), he would have a harem or a Waco compound set up by now. And Leo has never advocated suicide. That's just moronic.

My last post in this journal. I'm leaving this forum for a while. I'm considering even deleting my account. I am only studying stuff relevant to my pertinent goal : to move country, to a cool city, with a great lifestyle, cost of living, attractive women & social opportunities. THAT IS IT. Of course I will be improving health/energy & my income, ECT.. But even if I did all that, if I didn't achieve this main goal, I'd be so miserable, I'd kill myself. I wanted this goal for years, before covid but I took my freedom for granted. FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE. I DON'T CARE. I DONT CARE ABOUT SPIRITUALITY, POLITICS, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I JUST WANT TO ENJOY LIFE & LIFE HOW I WANT, WITH COOL PEOPLE AROUND. FUCK MY LIFE IS SO SOULLESS. BUT IT COULD BE WORSE, COULD BE WW2, IT'S JUST SO HARD TO BE GRATEFUL, WHEN YOU FEEL SO FRUSTRATED, I JUST NEED CHANGE. No more wasting time. Time to get the money, opportunities, women, friends, connections. I know it will be hard, I've wanted this goal for so long, I hate my area so much. I feel so bored & alone. But I decide for once that I love myself! I love myself & so I will do what it takes, whether I have to make lawyer friends abroad to move, or illegally jump on a boat, or just bear the pain & make as much money as I can for whatever months & strategize, I will do it. I love myself too much to self sabotage again, so I will save all my pennies, I will invest, I will strategize, I will plan, I will keep focused, I will achieve this goal & everything else will come. Strategically moving country, is the only real thing that matters for me. I need to stop ignoring this. No time to post on forum, do small talk with people, no more bullshit. That's all I fucking need to do. Money & Location > Then everything else becomes so much easier. So much easier to do "Pick up" if you live in the right place, to make friends. My location is squashing me, I feel so squashed, I hate this place. I have been here too long. If it goes on too long & I don't strategize my way out, I will commit suicide. I say that because sometimes you gotta put it all on the line. I will write my goal down on my wall, my door, I will type it & print tons of copies, I will put inspiring quotes up. But I will not be a self help junkie. Every quote, bit of information, will move me closer to my goal, even if it just gives me the energic push I need to act. I can't even be bothered to journal right now because I just want this goal, I need to go get the money & move to a cheap beautiful place.

Friday 19/03/2021, 11:55 Same old story of stimulation, diversion and distraction. In that sense I feel the faintest deja vu feeling that I rarely feel. Also same old story of addiction, I don't understand my addictions or my emotions very well. The work and slog seems endless. I'm exhausted and tired from all the unending conflict. My mind is full of doubts and second guessing. My mood, emotions and energy are volatile. After facing some anxiety/fear, I then found a lethargy/depression instead. I don't blame the facing. The intensity of the negative emotion is just locked away. There's no solution I can think of. I can only go with the flow. For some reason I can feel certain traces of a "deja vu" emotion I haven't felt in some time at all, probably a few years, and that makes me happy I guess. I think that perhaps... I can sense the magnitude of the hell locked away in my mind? For some reason this guage/gut/instinct feels accurate. The prison is my own particular color landscape of impressions, neuroticism and memory. -- I faintly feel this particular block with a particular flavour that I haven't noticed in a while, but feeling it, I immediately recognise it for its unifying factor across my memory...School when you were in the DT rooms in year 8, year 7, summer in year 9 and above (playing catch then), when you went with __ and sat in that grass patch (near the roundabout or just near Asda) and were reading, an image of Mr Graham ___, the year 8 drama leaf (makes a lot of sense for this ingrained actually), and so on. I was muddling perhaps two different things above. One being a familiar sweet feeling and one being a familiar block. The former probably gives me a relief and fleeting sense of completeness, as I feel something nostalgic that temporarily breaks through my DPDR. It blows the dust off of the cogs and gets my mind more sharp and sensitive. Ugh I'm not sure There is the sense that things have simultaneously changed but not changed at all. But that could be due to temporary influx of memory. Nonetheless... 'Tarrows titlts are dangerous' --- Back to the point. I feel a gauge/instinct for the depth of my hell, however there's still a black wall beyond which I cannot perceive. I remember when I first described that wall. Described as shimmering and solid, but also like being a black ocean. I just find it so weird having this influx of past emotion and memory, not used to it since I have this DPDR. It just leaves me more confused about who and what am I, what the significance of anything is. I feel like I'm in a slowly melting and decaying prison which will only get more stale and obsolete, in shackles and concerns which will only get more obsolete. Who am I? Just this influx of random memory which only makes me more confused. I'm feeding my own DPDR, confusion victim mentality rn with thinking and speech like that. But I'm genuinely confused why this memory is again in my experience and animated after so long. Clearly I ran away from it, disowned it, hated it, or something. I reason it's distressing, is that all of this is supposed to be to attached to me but doesn't feel like me at all!!!! When were these worlds seperated? The spider web prison, memories of my childhood, the random specific flavours of experience. What is this earthiness static quality that I so strongly reject? Its in the face of E____'s mom for some reason, in the people and experiences I had at St. A___, Why does it cause so much confusion? It doesn't make any bloody sense. What are these fragments, fragmentations, discontinuities, fogs, dream like substances? I think that maybe, I always felt and found life weird this way. I just didn't realise or notice it, and it didn't quite precipitate? But even if that's so, I can't deny this perceived large disconnects and black outs in my identity and self. I feel recoil and pain from typing and doing this mental activity. Drowning myself in shackles and swampy water. Wait a fucking second, it's pretty ironic that location is Gridlock in Gears of War 3 (why do I call it 3 when the impression imprinted in 4? Haha). Didn't realise till now the fucking humour in the fact that that's the name of the map, jesus fucking christ. So many times my mind used to go there, and it's hell and literal gridlock everytime. I'm almost at the brink of painful tears, this earthiness and these shackles hurt (mental location throughout typing a lot of this, that room in St A__ where you got confused about addition or subtraction holding out your fingers, grey room, mini playground just through the opposite side of the room somehow) Taking a step back. Why does it hurt? Ahhh shit it's also the stagnant times I spent on discord discussing mbti. Why is everything coalescing into and melting into a ubiquitous swamp water, a prison? What's going on? Remember the tornado mind, the dead trees and kaiki, threads, small hairs, insects, strings, webiness and embryos? Your conversation with sergen. One mental imprint location, the freezer tank boss in RE 4? There's another mental imprint location which is faint but I can't recognise. And of course another imprint being that psuedo white roofing tunnel near Wilkinson entering town, briefly also image of that wall and area certain lorries offload near that road. The nature walk in.. Where was it, where you realised nature was at a slower but palpable ryhthym and felt alive. Why do I have all these memories, visual snapshots both external and internal, snapshots of impression and feeling? What's the meaning and point of it all when it comes out unexpectedly in repetitive and tornado thoughts. (Mental location, ___'s B room, image of spider web. Wait, you had that dream and obsessional phase back in summer of repetitive thoughts around this area, and the dreams of visions of ruins was it?) Yes, this is the very sort of pain and mental strain I've blacked out from in the past. Alright. Phew. We can relax just a little bit at least, and accept that there's strain. And ouch does it hurt like a bitch!!! But that's fine, ow. Strain even when dialogue and language thinking has calmed. Its the decision to engage with the repetitive and non resonant mechanical habit and detail. Also refusal to just feel it and be with it. Done so much thinking it's actually painful to think, nont forget to feel and learn, this is rather important and interesting. Maybe it's a good sign if my repetitive thoughts are back, I last had them when I was still on anti depressants back on summer. They were never dealt with I suppose. I decreased the dosage tapering, got bored with covid all these months, and ____ committed suicide. _____'s death still doesn't feel real to me and I don't know if it ever will. It's a huge loss, and the DPDR brain fog only gets further confused because of it now. Every time I think back to high school and I remember one of my best friends, I'll remember that he's died. Idk if it'll just keep haunting me tbh

@Alex bAlex Many large hospitals and medical universities have entire departments or robust programs dedicated to the study of bioethics and medical ethics of which the subject matter of your question is a major topic of inquiry and debate. You may be unaware, but it is everyone's right, at least in the US medical system, to have a legal document called a "Living Will". This document tells one's family and medical providers exactly what procedures and drugs one does or does not want in efforts to save their life in case they are incapacitated and unable to otherwise communicate their desires. If you are able to communicate your wishes about end of life care you of course may refuse anything used to preserve or extend your life that you wish. Living Wills often get into the specifics of degrees of life support, end-stage conditions, vegetative states, and terminal situations. In addition or instead of a Living Will (although we would really like you to have a Living Will too) you can also ask your doctor for a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) and/or a Do Not Intubate (DNI) order. These orders will go into your medical records to ensure that if you die in the care of that medical institution, they will not try to bring you back. Then, there is hospice, a place and/or service dedicated to palliative care for those near the end of life so they may die naturally and with dignity. Comfort, compassion, and often pain management as death is embraced free of life prolonging drugs and procedures is what hospice is about. Anyhow, these are some of the available options for death in our current medical system. Suicide and assisted suicide are related but different complex topics and I have no time to address them right now. Maybe later if you are interested.

Another Indian woman dead because of dowry - an inhuman evil practice. The most recent suicide of an Indian woman (because of Dowry) boiled my blood and prompted me to write this journal. What broke my heart was this video of this Indian woman pleading to her parents before jumping off the bridge, smiling and accepting her fate and giving her last testimony on how society failed her, her husband who mercilessly harassed her for more Dowry and she couldn't come up with that kind of money to pay him and eventually gave up her life due to continuous harassment from her husband. It instantly reminded me of the millions of Indian women who either committed suicide or were burned alive for not meeting the demands of the husband and her in laws. And this happened for centuries. How many more Indian women will succumb to this evil practice? When will Dowry stop??????? The suicide case of Ayesha because of dowry harassment from husband. Her husband demanded from her a video of her suicide to ensure that she wasn't being drama queen. Pathetic.

I'm going to be touching on a few pointers that I want to write about when describing the conditions of Indian women. Historical perspective - how Indian women were treated in the past. Social evils against Indian women in Indian history. Rape as a rampant problem The existence of Dowry - a significant social evil against Indian women How Indian society silences Indian women through threat, shaming and emotional blackmail Indian women getting stalked - a rampant problem Indian women branded as "feminist" and "evil" and "drama queens" when they protest social evils against them or ask for equal rights. An Indian woman considered a disgrace by her family. In what situations? Dowry - an exploitative system meant to control and harass women The need of an Indian husband as a bodyguard - an Indian woman being told she won't be safe without an Indian man. Constant shaming of Indian women by Indian society and the need to stay anonymous online and offline Rape culture in India High suicide rates of women in India due to harassment abuse and lack of support Indian society being overly judgemental of Indian women Beauty is a curse in Indian society - how beautiful women suffer harassment in India and how it becomes her biggest curse. Sexual repression of women in Indian society - how indian women are shamed when they talk about sex How Indian women are constantly judged by the clothes they wear or the makeup they do - how Indian women are shamed and constantly given dirty looks for simply being themselves How rejecting a man is a huge security threat in Indian society Acid attacks on women in India. The reality of the level of threat that Indian women constantly face What real misogyny looks like - a peek into the misogynistic base of Indian society How Indian women who speak up are constantly silenced

Foxconn workers were jumping off windows to commit suicide So they installed nets to catch the bodies... https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2017/jun/18/foxconn-life-death-forbidden-city-longhua-suicide-apple-iphone-brian-merchant-one-device-extract https://www.hrcapitalist.com/2010/09/picture-of-the-day-workplace-suicide-nets-in-china.html

This subject might be a bit harsh but I had to ask myself this question for years - why are we bound to save other people, even when they want to die (clinical death, suicide, etc) ? Moreover, as a medic/ nurse/ assistant - why are those people try to save their patients with all means even when there is evidence that by having a heart beating, the patient will be just in a vegetative state for more years to come and suffering. Also, this goes for the elderly who, by saving their lives, the rest might be just a nightmare. If I am GOD and by ending up this dream I go back to light then why won't you let me do it? NOTE: - I am not suicidal or depressed and I don't promote any self-harm behaviour - but I cannot find anyone to talk about this question with an open mind. Thanks Alex

I just watched a video that helped me to confront some of my deep fears regarding religion. I have grown by watching this 30 minute documentary. Self reflection I tried to figure out why I was so scared of religion. I considered the possibility that I was projecting and I was in denial of the similarities I have with the people in this video. When visiting a variety of spiritual schools in the past, I recognized that I resonated with values such as truth or God. I still did not want to join any religion and this led to inner confusion and conflict. I paid attention to how spiritual truths could easily be used to manipulate people. These deeper truths are very effective at getting people radicalized because it can easily be mixed with falsehood in order to deceive people. While watching the people in this video, I saw how delusional people became. They became sucked into white nationalism. I realized that I could be slowly indoctrinated into a toxic ideology so long as it mixed deeper truths with it. I am now oddly peaceful because I recognize that I am susceptible ideological corruptions. I could be one of the people in this video. I could be extremist who becomes a suicide bomber. My fear is reduced and I have become more capable of love. Politics This video can be used to understand what we are up against in the United States. Some people will never be convinced that Trump lost the election. At least not easily. Trump ran on anti corruption. This is one of the few spots in which Trump supporters could be worked with. These people may support term limits, anti gerrymandering, potentially anti lobbying, and other anti corruption efforts. These Windows of opportunity could be used to slowly reprogram some people. If they are not reprogrammed completely, at least it would steer them away from the most toxic ideologies. If this fails, then we will need to wait for toxic worldviews to die off, allowing evolution to progress. Religion do you think there is anything that could be done to work with the dangerous religious ideologies? If they had the chance they would put the bible in every public school. I can't see any window of opportunity that would pull these people away from this. So far Satanists are keeping them back by arguing that their religion should be taught in public schools as well.

There are things that we cannot fix for some people. Nobody should give a pity fuck because it's just that - a pity fuck. There are many guys who tell me that they would commit suicide if I didn't sleep with them. Should I sleep with them because they might die if I didn't? We are not responsible for someone's lack of things that puts them out of the dating circle Do people deserve to get herpes just because people with the disease need someone to sleep with? This rationale is highly illogical. If they can't date anymore, it's definitely an issue, but we can't fix it, and absolutely cannot fix it by dating them. Maybe the solution would be for science to find better ways to prevent the spread of herpes. At least till such a solution is found, there is no option but to stay celibate. And let's not say life is all about romance. Some people are happy being celibate and there are so many things to find beauty in other than romance. He can find happiness in other ways. There is also something called as coping with life circumstances that he will learn some excellent insights from. Life can be beautiful even without sex and romance. There is no stigmatizing of those infected. Simply a question of personal safety. Of course we should be open to dating anyone, but equally open to our own safety.

Echoing @kag101here. Enlightenment is not a cure or a solution. A hell of a a lot of stuff can be at play here. Soul fragmentation being one of them. Watch your thoughts man! Suicide is a loop and it is not a solution to anything. If it matters to you, you will carry your level of consciousness to the other side and will still be living with yourself at the level you are at now. What are you here for? You didn't come here without some idea of what you are here for and what lessons you have set out for yourself. This may be one of them. The world is in a crazy state right now and the future looks bleak in some ways, but not in all ways. See a psychotherapist. They can help at a capacity we cannot. A lot of people here who don't know you care about you. Please stay with us.