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I believe that Angels exist. Angels. I don't think I can take it any longer. Maybe some angel can take me with them and liberate me from my pain. It is difficult. Life is difficult. I can't take anymore. And I don't have the courage to commit suicide. I feel helpless and trapped. I wish my soul could be set free from this terrible world I was born into. I don't find peace. My soul wants to be done with this world for good. My soul cannot take the strain of life. I wish I could die right now but I can't because I don't know how to off myself. I have no way of living in this world of demons and vampires and people who look trustworthy but are actually cunning and manipulative and fake. Nobody wants to do shit. CALLING ME A DRAMA QUEEN DOESN'T HELP ME. CALLING ME ANYTHING DOESN'T HELP ME. I'M FED UP WITH FAKE FRIENDS. I'M FED UP WITH FAKE LOVERS AND FAKE BOYFRIENDS WHO ONLY WANT TO USE ME. I'M FED UP WITH FAKE FAMILY MEMBERS. I'M FED UP WITH THE DEVIL WHO DESPERATELY WANTS ME DEAD BECAUSE I FEEL HIS PRESENCE LAUGHING AT MY PAIN ALL THE TIME I'M TIRED OF LIFE.... TIRED OF ALL THE ABUSE.

@Leo Gurahave talked to 4 psychologists. Talked to my parents many times. Tried the spiritual work. Sick of materialism. Tried suicide hotline, was hot garbage. Have no patience for my own bullshit anymore. Thanks for your videos. I might wake up tomorrow taking some sane decisions, but for now I feel pretty determined to jump off and break my legs. I know I could do more, of course. But Ive tried for so many years.

It's tough to watch humanity. I was suicidal again today. So I clicked on a video about suicide.

If I'm free how is it so that I can't escape life? I changed my job to a one which it kills me. I can't sleep well and it hurts my back. The work is mindless too. I'm slowly losing my mind. So I thought in quitting everything, to avoid the suffering that this situation is producing. But then when I thought about quitting, i doubt I can't because I can't surrender the attachment to material goals I want to achieve, and attachment to my family not suffering my loss ( I wasnt planning to suicide, but just let go of everything. For once be free...) So I'm damn if I do and I'm damn if I don't . What do you think about my situation?

Suicide is selfish, therefore you can only die and go to Unity as opposed to reincarnation when you least expect it.

@Hardkill No, the nineties had left/right culture wars (Marilyn Manson, etc.), Kosovo wars, Monica Lewinsky, Columbine, Kurt Cobain's suicide, and other stuff. Still not as bad as what comes after the nineties...

the desire to awaken is what leads to awakening. the ego knows that it must die but it cannot make itself die. the search for something external to act as a trigger is the only option that the ego sees for its suicide, since it cannot cause its own death. artificially created experience, if complete, occurs when it is have to. It is also artificial to sit for hours to silence the mind or to self-observe the slightest thought. they are manifestations of the same thing: the will to wake up. the ego itself realizes the trap that it means, and assumes that the only solution is its dissolution, but it does not know how to leave, since the fact of wanting to leave reinforces it even more. He needs a gun, put it to his temple, and pull the trigger

THE THEME OF THINGS GOING FULL CIRCLE TIMNE TO GET SEIOUR S SUICIDE OR EXTREME SUCCESS. EXTREME BANGING 10'S ALL DAY ON ROTATION, 200K IN THE BANK AT A YOUNG AGE, EXTREME SHIT MAYBE SOME COCAINE TO CELEBRATE TOO NO MORE IN THE MIDDLE, EXTREME BITCH TAKE MUSHROOMS & BECOME KING

When I will commit suicide, all those who tormented me, abused me, they will go to hell for eternity, my soul will never rest in peace. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution.. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution.

And then it was September 2015. I was feeling extremely lonely. I was living alone at the time. I had my second ex. We weren't getting along a relationship I was eventually going to break in 2017 mid June. And I begged and fell on my knees. In a moment of despair, I suddenly gave up and wanted to die, I wanted to commit suicide, I wanted to be gone. I had lost my dad years ago I had lost my pet. I had lost everything. I didn't want to live for anything. And I felt my boyfriend didn't love me. I wanted to end it all. Nobody loved. Not my mom. Not anyone. No one cared if I would have been gone. I prayed to Christ for strength. I prayed for hope. Then suddenly. Things changed. I felt warmth. I rose. I remember sitting. Thinking. It was different. Next day my mom called me to tell me that she is coming over to my place. I felt nice. At least I won't feel alone. I felt like God had given me a sign. He wanted to tell me that I was going to be okay After that whatever happened was nothing short of a miracle. I began to be heavily influenced by spirituality. I was suddenly propelled in this direction where I would constantly question everything around me in a spiritual context. Everything has had to have an answer, a meaning. I started collecting journals. I bought a few diaries. I began scribbling and writing in early 2016. It was january 2016. I got my journal and began writing, not online, but in my physical journal. I had no idea Actualized Org existed at the time. I would sit in a corner, huddled into a space and keep writing. I would write endlessly. A lot of stuff I wanted to write about. I didn't want to stop. I wrote throughout 2016. I wrote nearly 10 diaries that year that I still have in my cabin. Then in 2017 I broke up and had health issues. I met Joseph at the end of this year. I came across Leo's video in around my birthday and then I decided to join the forum the day after my birthday. This was 2018. I went straight to the journal section and began journaling. My spiritual quest began that year 2018 and never ended. I wrote throughout the year.

When I read things like this it feels like it gets shoved down my throat. What does this even mean? I did not choose to be born. What is the point for "some comsic intelligence" to create a human who is doomed to suffer and cannot escape even throguh suicide since one will be reincarnated as some miserable soul. When you say stuff like this it makes the universe seem incredible dark and cruel, like there is only hell for eternity in all directions.

Ya, I hear ya. Sounds difficult and like you're experiencing some painful emotions and that you're getting a bit fed up with them and don't really see a light at the end of the tunnel. I get that and totally understand contemplating suicide from that perspective. Been there (if that's where you are). If you can feel the feels, that's worked for me. But sometimes it can be hard, so healthy doses of distraction (compassion) can also help. I've been setting a bar of 10 pushups a day. Sure I'm not gunna be the Hulk, but crossing that off a list makes me feel productive nonetheless. Everything changes. I hope things improve for you. If you're looking for some free virtual interaction with people with faces, I'd recommend thestoa.ca ... lots of thinkers and even activities like shadow-work exercises, breathwork, and even an event where you take turns rapping to a beat!

Ideas of 'me' dissolve and there is no concept of "me" separate from Everything. There is no thoughts like "A great trip, yet I better wrap this up and return back to myself". The return just happens. Yet the nice thing about 5-meo is that the return is somewhat gradual. There are a few minutes in which One can observe the return. For me, this is one of the most profound parts of the trip because it is a bridge to higher consciousness. Ime, to reach that level - I had to be willing to surrender everything. My sanity, job, family and life. Everything. And not just for one trip. During my month-long 5-meo retreat, I approached a gate around day 7 (while 'sober'). To keep going, I had to leave all my bags behind. That day I was allowed to decide whether I was willing to lose it all. I decided to keep going and that was the last day "me" was present. The concept of a "me" didn't return for another 20 days and it was a bit traumatic when it did. Ime, reaching the deepest levels required the willingness to lose anything and everything I valued. Including my mind and body. Yet there are many amazing realms which does not have that entry price. I wouldn't frame it like that. Committing suicide has an association of suffering so bad, one takes their life. I've never had those energetics entering a trip. In terms of the psychological self, I think a better description would be 'ego dissolution'. The experience of the dissolution process can vary greatly. I've had trips in which it was beyond blissful. I was presented with the choice of holding onto a finite, insecure, separate being or a realm of expansion, Oneness and Love. It's a no-brainer. I'm like "Heck yea!! See ya old self, let's goooo!!!". There have been other times in which the self holds on and fits. I experience some trips as something is trying to possess me. Rather than surrender, I try to keep control of my mental narrative. This can lead to extreme anxiety and terror. This very much feels like dying. Yet rather than committing suicide, it's more like being over-powered and some other entity trying to kill me. Surrender is the key. If the mind fights, things can turn ugly. These dynamics were more of an issue when I was a newbie. After enough trips, it starts to become normal. Yet I won't do high doses of certain psychedelics because the body load is too intense and my mind-body was never able to adapt to heavy body loads.

Basically, yes. But in practice, no, because you take low doses and so you rarely reach the ultimate 100% Godhead state. Physically dying from a psychedelic is extremely rare. You might as well ask, "So every time you get in a car you have to go into it as if you are committing suicide?" Way more people die from cars than psychedelics, so your fears are not well grounded. Mahasamadhi is not something that happens to you accidentally. It is a conscious choice to leave behind the dream world. Of course you could always accidentally kill the physical body if you take way too much of a dose. But that would be the equivalent of driving your car into a wall. That is your fault.

So every time one take a psychedelic they have to basically go into it as they are committing suicide? And if you are able to come back, that's just icing on the cake.

I am contemplating suicide now at some point daily for the past two months. I have severely undermined my ability to care for my fate and for the fate of others. I am refusing to accept the pressure that is expected from me from a part of my family from my father's side, my deceased grandfather and my grandmother and father, to be enduring and become strong and independent with completing my goal of passing exams for some subject and achieving state-financed studying next year or self-finance but finding and earning a living from some employment or job to pay for it. What's pushing me forward is the possibility of still being able to achieve this. But I have rejected a lot of the theories and advice on this channel on how to get out some misconceived notion of my pride. The main mental and life situation problems are stoping me from seizing all responsibility for my life in my hands and wanting to fulfill my dreams and wishes for my future self: 1. I consistently refuse or don't have the strength and endurance to stand up to my father now who raised me as a kid and was always there with me and buying me stuff when I was a child and I deluded myself mentally even though I am feeling bad when I do this that I don't want to do this because he is equally dependent on me because of my deceased mother's pension as well as I on him because he buys me stuff that I need and gives me food in our apartment that we inherited from my deceased mother's savings that made it possible to purchase it. 2. My lack of caring for anyone including myself even though I amused myself with a newly released documentary by Adam Curtis last weekend 3. A constant or consistent sense of alienation and being a stranger to the patterns of this country that I live in (Serbia) dominant culture and values and life patterns when I walk through society and do everyday life activities 4. My refusal to accept that I need to be strong and struggle now for the sake of not just myself but others in my family - the state of deep alienation, nihilism, and a consistent lack of love and caring for others and thinking about others feelings in my family and their history (which I now know but fail to appreciate their struggle and life and for the need and the pressure for me to carry on the torch that they have worked so hard and sacrificed in their life for - to have decedent and a grandson and son that is strong, independent, and will care for them and appreciate and somehow pay back what they did for him), alive and deceased, that take care of me and have given so much to me when I was a kid and later when I was an adolescent and studying here for my exams while my grandfather was alive and with my grandmother. 5. The deep sense of betrayal that I feel I have inflicted on my previous envisioned goals and values therefore on those that wanted me (especially my deceased mother) that wanted me to be successful and carry on the torch to care for myself and my father, her and my grandmother and grandfather and to the part of her family that is still alive and especially my young little sister and aunt and uncle and grandmother and grandfather which I avoided and missed an opportunity to call and hear from on a short state holiday here - because I wanted to watch and see all the parts of Adam Curtises newly released docuseries on the history and causes of the current state of power in the world and it's sourced in the modern world and how it came to be in order to then have a mental power trip that I know and care about what other people fail to see or don't care about all in surviving their day to day lives. 6. The lack of empathy which I now feel to my closest family - my grandmother, father, and aunt how I am in most regular contact with - and sense of not feeling love and care towards them - and not caring for myself 7. Feeling that I am a degradation and degeneration of my grandfather's character, social standing, and life achievements and accomplishments and willpower, and my father's 8. I am forgetting what I promised people I know and I am friends with would do and then not doing then and then still approaching them to ask them how they are - out some vague emotional impulse - even though I completely forgot and didn't do what they asked me to do. 9. If I can talk to someone via zoom or any other platform to better articulate and express this emptiness and total lack of care which I sometimes feel towards my self and to my family's reaction of my state and thoughts and plans and feelings (which popped up consistently from time to time over to find a way to roll over, give up and lie down in my mother's apartment and kill myself and die together with my father (who I know still wants to live I think even for himself - because I suspect he finds meaning and purpose and satisfaction in teaching skillfully and talentedly English and German in order for them to mostly leave the country and have better opportunities and earn more while working abroad (mostly in Germany) where they have to know some of the languages) There are so many thoughts of regret and betrayal that are streaming through my awareness even when I sit still and close my eyes, I am having spasms and contriving my muscles around my faces even when I sit still to contemplate for just 10 minutes and I am shaking my legs from the anxiety but it calms down after the end of the session. I am having resistance reimmersing myself in Leo's content because I have lost the faith in myself that I am able to apply it in order to save myself and my life from these feelings and impulses that are threatening to lead me to death, dying, and self-annihilation and feel the loss of faith of is still applicable in going through and surviving in society. When I am writing this I realize the total lack of my own self-awareness to the response of others to this - I have stopped caring truly about how it will impact other people - I am consumed with my own negative thoughts and anxieties about my own future. The excuses in find are caring about my father's approval and love, my deeply imagined connection with him when he raised me as a child and after my mother passed away and the role and mission I have which I feel failed miserably is to be a sort of calm and collected, mentally strong and introverted person for him while - like a replacement of my mother's character for him I imagined - for him to keep moving forward in life and to see my mother's dream fulfilled of me growing up into a strong and independent figure as she imagined herself to be and certainly had to prove for it in her life achievements and stories that people told about her character and personality. I try to think that I writing this for you guys who kindly and put the effort to respond to me and give me advice two months ago and a month ago in this thread when the patterns of this procrastinated existential crisis came to the fold triggered by the realization of my grandfather's passing and the need that I can't hide just under the responsibility of being a student but also grown adult and earning a living for myself. All the resistance, all the mental and emotional labor and hardships, all the distractions, and all the excuses revolve around refusing to be independent and to take responsibility for my own decisions and their consequences, letting go that I have to always be at the disposal of my father, letting go of the past and the idea of being lesser in life than my grandfather and mother in terms of character and life-achievements and also my father to an extent. I am still feeling that it's my father partial fault in raising me where I had to consistently when he was not caring or empathizing with another be the devil's advocate in that situation and be emotional and empathizing with one and when I failed at this (even though this I reconstructed it in my thoughts and the head is the seeds of me not taking responsibility for myself and forcing myself to become independent for failing to earn state-financed studying and retreating into video games and pornography in 2018. away from the social reality and my peers in that year and as a result becoming severely depressed and isolated (feelings which I later forgot about and repressed) willingly admitting myself into a psychiatric clinic for adolescents to get a psychiatrists approval of being able to re-start the year on state finance again - this money trap - that would provide a sense of security for me and my father who just recently got a job as a private teacher of English and German in a private school. The motive behind me writing this is so that I can express somewhere the things inside me that I thought about and felt often about my current life situation and that ate me away inside and that led me to this state of severe lack of love and care about others and the effort to reach out to them and help them that afflicts me now. And the hope if someone has the time and effort to go through this and have a conversation with me so I can peel layer after layer of this of and express my emotions and thoughts more clearly and articulately through writing - which I deeply regret not doing each time a million thoughts, images, and bad feelings connected with them rushed through my head - so I can better understand their source and their cause and return to it once they reappear. My deep underlying emotional and thought attachment I had over the past couple of months the idea of me fighting for myself, resisting my father's demands and caprices, and arguing against him and them in order to focus on me and striving to become independent of him equalling casting my father away and a sense of attachment and dependence I had with him ever since I was a kid - a sense that I have a strong bond with him, especially after my mother passed away, that I can't just severe away through force. And this I feel is one of the factors, the unwillingness to stand up for myself and strive to become an independent self-reliant and self-motivated, and directed individual of him as I emotionally felt that It meant letting go of my father and care about his state and feelings - even though he is now a very negative, toxic and self-oriented person a lot of the time - and he has been in this state of giving up on fighting for himself and for living an independent life as an adult and taking care of himself and his health ever since my mother passed away - and the period when he didn't work and when we lived on only my deceased mother's pension - which I now by constantly having a need to return to the past and what I lost and missed opportunities in it and chances that I would imagine would radically influence the development of my habits and character. P.S. I wrote all this when I was in a very bad emotional and mental state two days ago, but for the reason of being fearful of posting it in this unfinished form that night when I wrote it, I procrastinated on it and left this text unposted out of the feeling that I am writing gibberish to myself and not asking for a coherent response and answers with advice and some principles from people in order to really re-read them and try to start applying them in my life in order make myself feel better and start fixing my unhealthy state of mind and emotion with the motive of getting all these thoughts and feelings that I felt at that time out of me, in order to also feel that I have very slightly reintegrated into this site's community and teachings and lessons after a long time of being inactive and procrastinating of coming back out of the guilt that I have betrayed people who wanted to help me and remind of me the principles, although I had episodes of these thoughts and feelings occurring when I am alone at night. So in the following post on this thread, I will try to outline and describe so it can be clearly understood after a period of contemplation and self-reflection on myself, my state of mind and emotion the following: 1. My current life and lifestyle main sins and problems. I emphasize the word sin here - because I had feelings and thoughts when contemplating on my self, my current life situation, my relationships with people who are related to me and close in the sense of family (especially my aunt from my deceased mother's side and her little daughter (though not so little now as she turned 12 last year) or my little cousin (though the closeness demand implied from the start was that I would be like her actual older brother - which I thoroughly often think and feel that I have miserably failed one by not seeing here or calling her more often when I had objectively plenty of free time to ask how she was doing and what she was doing for the last almost 3 - 4 years in retrospect) ,and my responses and behavior to the environment and people around me that I need to urgently start redeeming myself if I want to save myself (my biological life in the literal sense of wanting and having the will to live), my humanity, compassion towards myself and others, my rationality and mental health in order to be functional in society and have the ability to properly work and perform tasks in the employment field in order to be able to earn a living for myself and eventually learn to be slightly independent and self-reliant on my life in contrast with my current lifestyle and family dependence and finally my sanity and satisfaction with myself and my life. 2. An apt description of my current state of mind and feelings - though I should probably move all these points in a journal. 3. Being grateful for being born as I am and who I am and thinking of how to express that gratefulness and pay it back to people who made it possible and the person who wanted me to be born and alive in my conception and in the first place (First and foremost my deceased mother towards who I now often feel numbing guilt I have betrayed in terms of the life and achievements that I would accomplish at this point in my ad and what she wanted for me and in turns of finding a way to make her, her personality and life achievements are known to other people and living a blog and trace of her appearance and biography somewhere online - because I thoroughly often think and feel guilty of and guilt about that she deserved it from my father and me in terms of what she did for us, our lives and what kind of life that we now live she made possible for us), my grandmother (who I have at crucial times hurt, betrayed promises towards and mistreated in the past three months after my grandfather passed away) even though she didn't deserve it all and she is always ready to help me and take care of me and is las she said openly to myself what is driving her to live is the desire and wish too see me become mature and become independent and my own 'man' and to see me happy about myself and my life because that, as I have seen and felt, makes her happy. 4.Underpinning and explaining the recurring feeling I have of why I have the feeling I don't deserve anything or a lot of the things I have now in my life (including the people close to me, friends, material status, and source of revenue, etc.) which is causing the effect of me having a numbing depressive feeling and a deep sense of alienation from my former self and to others close to me. Note: I will finish this text after I go out to see a friend tonight here and will temporarily post it now in this unedited form and will edit it later.

Now tripping is rather shift in an energetical state, I do not experience very significant change in activity of the ego. When I tripped for the first time there was a very clear cut between being enlightened or not. During past two years I shifted from thinking to observing my energetical state. My decisions are better because I am addressing my needs directly. I also had my dark night of the stuff a couple years ago. I was thinking a lot about death and suicide. I felt like a failure and I sort of accepted this situation. This took off pressure from me. If you don't care about your life you can do whatever you want! I consider myself unenlightened mostly because of energetical impurity. My mind isn't getting triggered easily (ideology etc.) but there are MANY MANY MANY small annoyances. If there is any way to determine enlightenment, it would be ability to sustain observation without interruption. When you just observe you are awakened. I think that it also fit well to Turquoise or unitive stage. Everything is illusionary, there is nothing to get, there is no way to be shamed. Now decision are based on existential needs not complicated thought constructs. Love live is also better because that person is you, so you can always reach them inside of you.

Jesus.. just watched the interview, I don't know how someone doesn't go crazy or commit suicide after going through stuff like that. Puts a lot into perspective tho

"The lengths we go to not think for ourselves are quite extraordinary." - Don’t know This trip had been long overdue. Been microdosing LSD for a while (biweekly mostly) and really enjoying the effects. Wanted to trip again ever since I got that batch but couldn’t. Plus I’m just paranoid when it comes to putting such substances into my body if I don’t know 110% their purity. It came so far that I measured 40 µg (I dissolved the tabs in 50/50 vodka and distilled water) and drank it before measuring the other 60 µg. When I started tripping full on there was a one handed clap of recognition for finally showing some faith. Vodka still tastes horrible though. Why do I need faith? Why do I need to leap before the net can appear? Because without Faith there could not be Grace. And without the duality of the two there could not be “life”. The bigger the leap, the bigger the reward. Though “reward” isn’t the right word, just couldn’t find a better one. Life doesn’t ask for anything. Nothing is hidden or was ever hidden. Though to come home fully there can’t be a body, a mind or a life to come back to. The ultimate leap of Life is death. Suicide. No, I don’t plan on ending my life in the slightest. Just reporting, it’s a trip report after all. Trip got deeper. In the waiting room. Broke through. Don’t like that phrase. Overused it myself lol. Was in this DMT-like dimension. Then in another one. All intertwined and shifting into each other. Intense. Shifted back into 4D then 3D then back to the Godhead. But no big Aha. More of a deep understanding. More Love. Okay. Wait, there was something valuable: Been almost anthropomorphizing substances. Mushrooms are like Lord of the Rings, LSD is more like Star Wars and DMT is the unethical love child of both of them… Doesn’t matter. All goes out the window. Burn it on the same pile as your maps and models. Same place. Know a bit more about creativity as well: All this analyzing and mopping ideas together of other people is whack. True inspiration is taken from Source directly. Though I "knew" that for a while as well. Even blabbed around about it to my friends. But was never really shown it until today. Always been inspired by Van Gogh. Had this instance in the trip where I merged into his consciousness. Couldn’t stay long though. Dude was crazy. Still inspiring. A lot, indeed. Trip showed me the pure magnitude of the creativity possible. With a flick of the imaginary finger, there are hundreds of perfect inspirations. Just need to stay tapped in. No, not the right phrase. Maybe alignment. No, not direct enough. Being. That's the one I've been looking for. Another practical thing I learned was about how I should be eating. Won’t share though. Don’t want to start a war. --- Trip was surprisingly sexual in many unsuspected ways as well. Spring time after all. One last thing about Truth though. Truth always had this kinda harsh, unforgiving vibe to it for me. Only going for that is not enough. Truth is held within Love. Cause who else could bear it? --- Life has an art to it. Tripping has an art to it as well. That wasn’t my best work by far but it felt good to get back in. Felt poetic, might delete later

Hello it's my first time to post here, felt like I need to know if I'm okay or ..not but when I saw y'all talking about imagining these scenarios I felt a little less worried actually. I too imagine fake scenarios in my head but unlike you guys , I don't imagine myself as a superior character or anything cool but a background character you can say. I'm a female and the whole scenarios made up in my head which I can't help imagining it everyday is not even the same gender as me or even relating to my actual life, and it even got worse like I now have 4 versions of the male character I make fake scenarios of, but somehow I make myself a background character like I'm as a sister of his, the not so important person.. and I rarely think of myself (the sister) or put myself in the scene with him (the male) It's like I don't exist sometimes even in my imagination, instead of creating a better version of me like what you guys do, I just don't think of myself at all, I only think about how cool that guy is. I do cry when imagining him suffering (which is what i imagine daily means I cry daily for no real reason) , and feel happy when he's happy (which is rarely imagined by me) it first began when I was at grade 9 when my strict parents were threatening me , physically, verbally abusing me and stressing me out about that if i didn't get good grades I'd be the only failure in the family and that I'll let them down and make them look like shit , I remember my dad telling me "look at your cousins and how smart they are and how good their grades are, you'll embarass me and your mom infront of the whole family", "you're a disgrace" they also broke my phone. I studied hard and I was so stressed that I used to revise what I've studied in my sleep paralysis (which happend to me everynight) it was hell for me all the stress and anxiety I had back then oh god , i even thought of commiting suicide before they see my grades, but I didn't do it. I was alone in all this not to mention getting bullied by students , teachers , been sexually harassed when i was little, seeing my dad abusing my mom when i was 6 , and she abused me when he did to her, and not having any close friends I think all that what made me feel like I'm nothing, not important not needed, So Thats when I created my imaginary brother (the male character) who used to care for me and protect me , but years later he became the main character in my scenarios, now then I'm not even mentioned in my imagination.

One important function I hope this thread can serve is to show the reality of how more or less serious spiritual practice and psychedelic use affects bipolar disorder. I almost made a post to the Meditation/Spirituality sub-forum warning of the dangers and also describing the advantages and benefits of this specific path, but I ultimately thought it wouldn’t receive the right reception there. It is incredibly important that anyone with a serious case of bipolar disorder (typically this means type 1) knows the risks of not just psychedelics but even simply meditation. Meditation can cause the same types of psychotic breaks as psychedelics can. It’s happened to me and many others. A lot of people here, and in the world as a whole, have a piss-poor understanding of what bipolar disorder is. This even applies to most people who have it and many family members or close friends of people with it. No one generally thinks about the epistemic aspects/implications of “psychosis.” Psychosis is a somewhat flawed concept as you’re basically being judged by how well your current state of consciousness as well as delusions or even legit insights fit within the norms of your culture. In ancient and some more modern indigenous cultures, what Western medicine calls psychosis was treated as a spiritual gift. In many of these cultures it’s highly likely, if not just downright true, that people with “psychotic mental health disorders” were the leading candidates for shamanism. In some of these cases, the “psychotic” shaman was the ONLY person permitted to use psychedelics in the society. This is the absolute opposite of how Western medicine views psychotic mental health disorders and psychedelics. We are ALWAYS seen as the absolute last people on the planet who should ever consume such a substance. Why is that? It fucks our survival up heavily as current modern cultures have no role for the “mentally ill” person who trips themselves into oblivion to bring back insights and even serious psychic or healing powers back to the society of neurotypicals. Watch this video to hear more about this. You're a Shaman - Your Culture Just Sucks One key thing to note is that these shamans were almost always mentored by an older shaman who potentially also had what we today would call severe mental health problems (at least before he served his life purpose and bathed himself in Truth, Love, and psychological growth for years with psychedelics and other practices). What I’m doing is basically walking that path with no guidance from someone with the same set of challenges. This is partially why I’m making this and videos about bipolar disorder and psychedelics. People need to know the path from someone who has done it before they get themselves or others killed. There’s a real risk that psychedelics will kill me. Not in some physical overdose but in me becoming so fucking conscious that I lose ALL care for survival. The other potential for death comes if I experience a crippling depression after a string of manic episodes and kill myself. I am ultimately not afraid of death. I welcome it, but of course almost everyone in the last moment struggles. As you’ll learn through reading and watching the content in this journal, this is a hardcore ass spiritual path. It is not for the ego lovers. It’s for people who want their ego to die more than they want it to live. We want Truth, Love, and the Absolute Pinnacle of Consciousness and nothing else at the end of the day. This is worth death and many other things I won’t even mention as I don’t think people can handle that. I also don’t want to be portrayed as some villain in the making. This is the opposite of my intention, but it must be understood that madness is at times a nearly unstoppable force. Playing with this for spiritual development is not fun and games. This is absolutely life and death. Many people think they want seriously powerful spiritual experiences and results, but they never suffer the types of serious dangers and challenges I’ll describe because of pursuing awakening. Ultimately, I see the good nature of most spiritual masters as a complete ego construction. Leo talks about everything being Goodness but as if that means you’ll align with the good when you are Good. This is kind of dumb, but I think it’s ultimately his good heart which is deceiving him which is totally understandable. I’ve thought the same way many times before. If everything is Absolute Good, which I certainly believe it is and have had a version of this insight, this means that God loves to kill. To rape. To destroy. To defile. Etc. etc. If you think there’s one side to spiritual awakening to yourself as 100% God and that’s always going to align with your human ego’s good, you’re deluded as fuck my friend. There are evil spiritual forces in so many religions and spiritual traditions. Is this just because someone happened to get creative on a Tuesday night and dream all this up across all these different cultures and times? Lol. Come on. Of course now, we must understand that the most evil person, defiler of Existence itself or anything else is at the end of the day Love, but it’s the kind of Love you experience when your character gets absolutely wrecked by the bad guys in a video game. It’s not what your ego wants. It happens. You hate it. Then, with enough perspective, you realize it made the game as Good as it was. The struggle adds value. The pain adds meaning. The suffering adds spice. I’m planning to make a video on the difference between Christ Consciousness and Lucifer Consciousness. I’ve experienced both. Lucifer is ultimately not as bad as you might think, but ultimately he is selfish when it comes to his highest goals. He has no issue giving money to a homeless person so they can eat. He enjoys doing that in a similar way Christ would, but where Christ would never harm someone or do something considered truly immoral for spiritual growth or power, Lucifer would. Both of these archetypes/spirits/higher consciousness entities can essentially meld into your consciousness and pretty much possess you. As can many other things. Possession by Christ is good. Possession by Lucifer is... hopefully neutral or good, but it could lead you to purchase the skin of a deceased human child to perform a deal with Lucifer which would in theory give you your ultimate desire. I’d avoid that one. Btw, I’m merely sharing my direct experience as true as I know it to be. Could I be wrong about some of these things? Certainly, but it would be dishonest to show a false lack of confidence to appear credible to you. This is, after all, MY journal. The decision to pursue awakening and use high-dose psychedelic trips as a person with bipolar disorder type 1 has reduced my net worth by $50,000 in roughly 2-2.5 years. My income was only roughly $25k last year to give you an example of how much that could do for me. I have given away roughly $10k in cash to homeless people and friends through the selflessness and generosity that mania brings in this 2-2.5 year period. I have experienced about 8-9 hospitalizations in the past 2-2.5 years with all but one being due to manic episodes. The other was a suicide attempt that was halted by friends and family working in conjunction. When I was brought to the emergency room, I visualized murdering all of them including my mother, father, step-father, best friend, girlfriend, and then using my Chinese Visa to escape detection before anything could be done to apprehend me. I had a plan that likely would have worked. I rediscovered something in this experience. I can only visualize things well in my mind’s eye when they are fueled with pure hatred. If I try to visualize a simple object in my mind’s eye now, I get practically nothing. With intense hatred, it’s like I’m standing in the physical location watching things happen almost. Keep in mind this is the first time I do much as had a feeling of hate or anger in probably 5-10 years. I’m usually quite immune to these emotions now. If there is such a thing as past lives, mine must be quite complex. On many levels I align myself with Christ as a shining example or what I aspire to become, but on another level I seem to have a real passion for things people consider pure evil. The evil has mostly been heavily repressed. It just came out for a bit when I found myself unable to end my own life due to others. I was being forced to suffer some extreme existential pain due to their selfish love for me. Of course I love their selfish love all the other times. That was just my darkest day/week in over a decade. I was able to stop myself from harming anyone, and I returned back to my positive relatively loving self within a few weeks. I found the first prescription antidepressant that has ever worked for me in over 7 years of experimenting with my psychiatrist due to this. I guess things work out. Psychotic mental health disorders can produce some of the most, if not the most, spiritually obsessed people the world has ever seen. One test you can do is to look at the lists of symptoms for a bipolar type 1 person or schizophrenic to see how much these align with what advanced mystics or psychics are like. Case in point — Jesus, grandiose? Check. High energy? Most likely a check. Incredibly passionate? Check. Insights and sayings pouring out of him that completely reject traditional spiritual and societal norms? Check. Unmatched spiritual obsession? Check. The ability to alter physical phenomena against the currently understood laws of science? Check. (Yes, psychotic people have an immense proclivity for this stuff, even sometimes needing no spiritual foundation or practices to be able to alter reality — not just some hallucination). Of course many times these events are just delusions and hallucinations, but there are many cases where they are not. These few videos explain some of my experiences which do not have good scientific explanations in the currently popular paradigm for what happened to me. Keep in mind I have no idea how I do any of this shit and have absolutely no control over it. There are other examples I will speak about in future posts on this thread. Supernatural Events & Bipolar Mania Are You A Bipolar Empath? ?? The Grays - My Story of ET Contact This one will sound most unbelievable and nebulous to you I imagine. I’d like to mention that maybe a month after this I was sleeping in my girlfriend’s bed while she was awake. I sat up (I have no memory of this whatsoever and ultimate believe I was not in control of my body), and I looked at her and said something like “4324 we are here for you as well.” My girlfriend adamantly claims that she was sent into a psychedelic trip without consuming anything in exactly the same type of way I describe my strongest telepathic connection with the grays. I now permanently have this sensation come and go at various times throughout the day, usually when I’m in a spiritual context or have an insight come. It is not as strong as when I was manic though. If you think these things sound fishy or not concrete (of course anecdotal) evidence of something supernatural happening, please consider I have picked these out of many ridiculous things that have happened to me. There are so many more examples. One thing was my phone being at 5% or less before a meditation session. I needed to use it for GPS right after the session, so I turned it off to conserve battery knowing realistically there’s no way I’d have enough to get where I needed to go. After about 30-40 minutes of meditation, I turned my phone back on, and it was at 100%. Did I do this somehow? Was it God? Idk. I’m simply saying you don’t see that legitimately happening to many people. To get a taste of where I started 7 years ago, watch this video. It’s actually hilarious to me that I made a video titled “I am God” based solely on information from others who didn’t even understand that concept to any real depth themselves. I even said something like “All religion is bullshit. There’s no hard evidence.” Stage orange dumb ass. I was a stage orange dumb ass co-opting essentially the most Divine Truth there is for my own selfish little thought game to partially build a YouTube channel. I enjoyed the thought experiment. It wasn’t just done for views, but much of it was. I Am God Here are two of my main three God Realization/God Consciousness awakenings described years later after discovering the truth of spirituality. The first has not been described in video by me yet. Note that, in the one based on mania, I basically discredited my own insight to not sound crazy to my viewers. This is pure ego and self-deception as well as deception of others disguised as a reasonable a rational approach. I knew damn well that that was a legitimate experience. Ultimately I think it’s time to shoot another video about God Realization now that I’ve ironed out a lot more details. -2nd God Realization/God Consciousness awakening. Manic Stories Ep. #1 - Becoming God (Awakening to God Consciousness) -3rd God Realization/Consciousness awakening. This was ultimately the deepest one, but it lacked facets such as effortless no-mind to begin the process which occurred in the 2nd. 13 Tabs of LSD - Mapping Consciousness #2 I’m going to post some key videos from my YouTube channel that I’ve been posting on for over 7 years now throughout this thread with explanations of where I was at that time in my life and how I’ve since developed further (or potentially back tracked in some areas). My channel and major life interests consist of topics like bipolar disorder, depression, personal development, positive psychology, practical life advice, entrepreneurship, business advice, credit building tips, personal finance videos, unique thoughts that I’ve had over the years from what may seem profound to some and mundane to others, spirituality/enlightenment/awakening, psychedelics and awakening, awakening and bipolar disorder, bipolar disorder and psychedelics, and some other topics or combinations of topics that are less frequent. I’ve taken on a more spiritual focus as time has progressed. I’d like to create this as a sort of open journal in which I will be keen to interact with all of you. Keep in mind, I’m eventually going to be posting extremely sensitive content related to my illness and weaknesses. I’ll eventually get into my extremely racist adolescent years and how this still affects me now. Even having what to most humans would be unfathomable love for all of reality and all beings many times, I still have racial slurs and jokes come into my mind when I’m back at my baseline level of consciousness. I ultimately know that racism is absolute trash, but this doesn’t stop deeply ingrained thought patterns. Actualized.org has helped me to understand why I became racist on a much deeper level to where I now have absolutely no judgment for that path that I started walking on around age 12. This doesn’t mean I think it was the best thing to do. This means I understand the survival-based drives to defend an already fragile ego that was constantly attacked by my extreme shyness, social anxiety, and natural emotional sensitivity as well as being bullied and somewhat unpopular. You’d think the average racist is some hard-nosed ass hole who has no sensitivity or love for the world or people. This was absolutely the opposite of the case for me, and I imagine many others possibly. I craved connection with other kids. On one hand, bipolar disorder can lend itself to outright delusional thinking. On another hand, it can produce premature insight that your mind does not fully understand. On another hand, it can produce legitimate, high-level nondual insights when paired with a solid foundation of spirituality. On another hand, it’s a free psychedelic as powerful as 5.87 grams of psilocybin mushrooms, 10 tabs of LSD, ayahuasca, or ridiculous doses of concentrated THC taken on little to no tolerance to create maximum potential for full psychedelic effect and insight potential. I’m talking about consuming enough THC that I’ve literally “blacked out” in a very similar way to how alcohol black outs occur. This is the difference between aiming for a recreational THC/cannabis experience vs. an existential THC/cannabis experience. Imo, cannabis is not ideal for this work unless it is consumed in concentrated THC format or edibles. Smoked cannabis simply lacks the punch that high-dose psychedelic trips can have. Even with concentrated THC and edibles, the psychedelic experience can be quite elusive on them, especially if you still have any tolerance whatsoever. This is not something you can do daily for its full effects. Most of the time I just get kind of unintentionally hedonistically high to absurd levels. I’m skeptical that Wiz Khalifa and other popular cannabis aficionados have experienced these levels of consciousness on THC/cannabis. It essentially requires the dovetailing of a psychotic mental health disorder and prior psychedelic use to unlock this potential. Keep in mind that when I mention these doses, I am quite sensitive to psychedelics and THC.

My another insight in my deepest suicidal moments (which I've had the luck of having many in my short life) is that people like me who feel tormented in life always had a shadow following them their whole lives. I felt this presence. Many times. Like a psychic attack.. Like someone is watching me and laughing at my misery.. People don't believe in demons and devils. But I do. I know there are paranormal things. I've been struck by bad luck many times. Even my last bits of mental peace were stolen from me at times And I wondered who could be behind all this? Who is the mastermind? This happened to my dad as well. He died eventually. It felt like there was someone who always wanted him to suffer despite his best efforts to be alive.. He tried hard to live. But became very weak in the end. He was unable to breathe. His body began to shut down in his last week on earth. And he suddenly passed. But he had put a massive amount of effort in surviving with terminal illness. His illness also gave me PTSD. I was very young when I saw him suffering. I was just 12 years old. He died a few years later. But within this short life, he gave me immeasurable happiness. He used to take me to the local ice cream shop, beautiful fond memories that I don't wish to remember. His tragic death spiraled me into a massive depression. Although recovered from it with some effort. His last words before dying were -"please take care of yourself. " I never really followed his words. I gave into self neglect and self destruction. There was nothing to feel good about a mentally ill tyrant mother and a terminally ill struggling father, there was no way I could grow up normally or happily. So the insight that just came to me was this. There are psychic attacks. But I believe in mind over matter. I believe I can change fate. Maybe I can psychically conquer these demons attacking me. Maybe I can harness some psychic powers through effort and use these psychic powers to change the tide set by the trainwreck of events in my life. Maybe I can manipulate reality. What if I could and defeat the devil. What if I could bend time. What if I could change things in my life with my own mental energy so that I stop getting fucked over. What if I develop tremendous psychic energy and stop all the negative circumstances in my life. Put an end to this cycle. What if I develop my psychic energy so strong that it fights hard against psychic attacks and stop its influence in my life. What if this devil is rendered useless by my psychic powers. Yesterday my mom called me and gave me a death threat on the phone. I didn't take it seriously. I told her to Fuck off. Monster woman dominating my fucking life. I want my psychic powers to change her mindset so instead of her hating and dominating me, she will start being benevolent to me. Maybe this is possible. I'm simply toying with this idea of developing a strong psychic energy that can control events in my life to be in my favor so that they stop ruining my life. One thing that I've noticed in the life of people who (like me) generally feel tormented is that they have a specific chain of events, I'll call it a train events that finally end in their death or suicide. Nobody pays attention to it. Often people focus on an immediate event before suicide. Most people assume that it's a single event before killing that is responsible for the suicide. This is not the case. Look into that person's timeline and history of life. There are many clues here and there at different times. The devil's hand is at every point in this timeline. It is never a single event. Trauma keeps compounding until the person experiences a burn out. It's a train of events, one bad event after another, that finally drives the person to the edge. Within the history of his or her life is a train of events responsible for making that person more and more miserable with time. It's train of events, one bad event after another in sequence that keep pushing that person harder and harder, until he can take no more. People don't notice this. Usually when a person is suicidal, it's not without prior warnings. Most of these warnings are often neglected or ignored. When a person says they are suicidal, they are not taken seriously, people call them drama queens or attention seekers.. Until that person is actually dead. Well.... That person was screaming all along for help. There were warnings. That person might have talked about their suicide ideation at some point. Their ideation was simply ignored by the family. Suicide is not a destination, it's a journey.. The person doesn't simply imagine some day that they have to be out of the game of life. They arrive at such a miserable point after having suffered tremendous pain in their lives, where it gets progressively worse with each passing year. Then the threshold is crossed at some point. It tumbles down rapidly from there. Finally they reach a break point where they jump off and it's over. That's how suicide actually works. It's a process, a sequence, a train of events to fail a person at every step. If this doesn't sound like a psychic attack, I don't know what does. People often sympathize a person after they are dead and gone. I wish people especially family would be just as sympathetic when the person was giving out warning signs and alive. A lot of difference can happen if people who are suicidal are given help at the first signs of such ideation. Suicide is like cancer. It goes through stages and then gets worse and finally death. If detected early and the problems fixed, many people can be saved from killing themselves.

This is the same reason why I fell in love with my ex. He first told me that he was going to commit suicide and overdose on his pills. I tried to comfort him and I thought I was saving him. That's how the relationship began. I didn't care about myself. All I wanted was to save him because I thought he would die without me. He would keep drawing my sympathy by telling me how alone and miserable he felt. And then he became abusive, violent and cheat on me several times, break my boundaries, lie and whenever I tried to leave him, he would get despondent and beg me to come back.. In the end I simply gave up and could take his mind games no more. And realized what a fool I was to want to save him meanwhile he was destroying my emotional well being all along.

I've been suicidal last week. And kept on a suicide watch by family for 2 days. I started the youtube channel in the hopes that something good will come out of it. At this point, literally anything can take me to the edge of suicide.. With this PTSD, there are days that I feel good and there are days that I don't feel good at all. It's PTSD cyclic depression. This is my last try after which I will give up and commit suicide because I cant take it anymore.

Most of my old friends . All of you cunts are special. You've taught me so...much. I am talking to you... stariano crewwww. Also P (my oldest friend in the entire world ) , S ( an underappreciated artist who has failed his exams for entry into art school 4-5 times(!!!) ) , V (my first real crush, love, whatever. You know me. I know you. I love you with all my heart ) , Yung passssss ( we have a pretty special story dont we. do you remember what a racist fuck you were 5 years ago? You hated people of my nationality. how about now? ) , A ( A mother fucking genius composer. I shit you not. He is better than hans zimmer, or atleast he is going to be. Either that or he is going to kill himself or something idk. I really hope the first one tho ) , L ( bro... i know everythhing sucks. the world sucks. shit is hard. A told me you're seriously considering suicide. And tbh I am kinda afraid. I am afraid because I know you have the guts to do it. I know you are for real. Please don't do it bro. We are going to make a better world. I'll show you. You will see. You are a fighter like me bro. They have just taken your spirit. Listen when they come for me, i need people to defend me. You know I am not a bad person, you've seen it. I've talked with you , i've never lied to you. Most of them wont give a fuck when they kill me. So... if you were going to off yourself anyways, why not die protecting my memory or something idk. bro just... dont hurt people. this is not the way. the way is trough truth. through honesty. through love. Yeah yeahh i know you think all of this shit is cringy. BRO ITS NOT. ITS REAL. AND I KNOW YOU WANT IT TO BE REAL. I AM TELLING YOU ITS REAL. THERE ARE GOOD PEOPLE OUT THERE BRO. hmm.. thats much more about L that i thought I would write. Moving on. Cousin. Cousin my cousin. Throughout me whole life you have been my idea of perfection. Of an idol or something. You always got all the girls, you're good looking, you can play video games, you are a hustler , you are way way way smarter than you make yourself look. Yeah you are very funny. Yeah you can play the role of the fool as much as you want. But friendly advice, dont expect them to take you seriously if you are acting like a fool. I realize now that you are no better than me. Yes, you are better than me in many many stuff. That doesn't make you better than me. I know so much more than you know bro. I really do. You know why? Because I never stopped searching. And i never will. You...you got comfortable. Yes you've figured a lot of shit out. But...broooo...you are blind as fuck to many other things. You've always said to people " hey this is my couzin, he is the better version of me" To this day, I am not sure whether you said that mockingly. I would really want you to tell me the truth face to face. No matter, I believed you. hahaha. foolish little boy i was i believed you. and i really believed you cared about me. you are perhaps the first person who ... idk made me feel heard? From our very young days bro. I was an a 12 year old fat shy fuck with anxiety and fear . You were a 16 year old GOD. You OWNED your school. Girls loved you. Guys feared you. Bruh,..you were a king. And you were talking to me? And not only talking to me, but LISTENING? daaaamn. thanks man. thanks so much. I just have one last thing to say. Those times have passed. I am really have grown to be better and an improved version of you. Your days of glory have passed. You are no longer that king and I am no longer that boy. You got soft. You got comfortable. Lets shake things up huh? The only thing you need to do is let your ego go and let me be your teacher now. I've always been your little padawan ( remeember how we used to fight with brooms pretending we are sith lords and jedis? ) . Do you have the balls to be mine? Let me go back to my old friends though. All of you little autists. Your greatest lesson to me was tough love. We fight each other, we debate each other, we dont agree on many things. Yet we love each other and we trust each other. Strange huh? I wonder why. M , my dude. You know what I am talking about bruh. We have SUCH different worldviews. We have fought countless times, about trump, about leftists and conservatives, about religion, about whatever. This made us strong as fuck bro. I respect your ass. And I know you respect me too. Just one thing, I know you are a scientist and you are a scepctic . Bro... sure alright cool. Nothing wrong with that. Just remember , the greatest sscientists were those who were the most open minded. #TEAMSCIENCE i hope i am not offending anyone by not writing them here. there are counteless special people in my life. people that have taught me so much . People I dont even remember their names, yet they have made a huge impact in my life. For example those three little gypsie children... oh my god. they changed me. you should have seen their faces when I gave them my guitar. They were so happy dude... they looked at me with those crazy big eyes, with huge smiles. they played music! Yes...it kinda sucked. BUT it didnt matter!!! THEY DIDNT CARE. They were so in the moment. And I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! I just played some guitar in the train wagon. They came and sat next to me . They listened . I invited them over to sit next to me and talked with them, then gave them my guitar. Children...children are so precious The other gypsie boy. Who was about a bit older than my brother. He was still young. He wass on his was to work with his family. I was on my way to have fun for 5 days in the mountains, snowboarding, playing music, eating hot food, have a room to sleep in (nevermind the fact that it was shared with 11 other people. No, not nevermind the fact. those people were amazing. they made my stay so much better. they gave me food. they gave me alchohol. they treated me life family...huh. how lucky am I , damn ) HE AND HIS FAMILY WERE ON THE WAY TO WORK. It was freezing cold outside. They barely had any proper fucking equipment (he was only wearing a motherfucking jacket for christ's sake). And yet still...those people. Those people who are much stronger than my weak ass will ever be. They had to go there. They had to earn their bread. And they did it stoicly. They did it with honor. With 0 complains. He...a little boy no more than 16 . He went out there and earned his life. Me? I was on a fucking solo trip across the country , travelling by train and with my guitar. Nothing more. He had nothing to gain from me. Yet....he was intrugued . I dont think it was because of my incredible guitar skills or something. I think it was just something new for him. Something different in his miserable gray life that no fucking child deserves to go through. And I specifacly remember the choice. He presented me with one of the greatest choices I've had to make in my life. "Can you I take your guitar to the wagon next to ours and show it to my family? " Hmmm.. i dont know. Can you? What's going to happen ? Is he going to steal my guitar? I've heard that gypsies are dirty people who steal and rape and whatever. Is he a good person? Can I trust him? Should i trust him? Why should I trust him. In that moment, in a that split second I had to make a choice. A choice that would affect the rest of my life. Do i show trust or do i cower. The boy is intelligent. He sees my dilema . He says "nah nevermind dont worry. I understand . Its ok" . FUUUCK. I AM FUCKING IT UP. FUuuuck. I dont want to be one of the dream killlers. I want to do good! " Listen. Come here." I put my hand on his knee. He is looking at my eyes intently . " I am chosing to show you my trust. You look like a good person. Just know that I really love this guitar and I would love to get it back by the end of the ride ok? Actually. I would like it back in 10 minutes because i would like to play on it a bit. So. There you go, take it. But I expect it to be returned. " The boy smiles. The boy says thanks and rushes off to the next wagon with me guitar. around 10 minutes pass. The boy returns. The boy is very excited. He sits down next to me . "how was it? " "They liked it! I showed them how i play the guitar. Did you know i can sing? " "Really! You can sing and play guitar? Show me! " "Mhmm! Damn right I can. Watch this. " The boy grabs the guitar clumsly. he presses some strings in a very awakward way and he starts playing a song. I am assuming a traditional gypsie song , but the boy was kinda failing. He was failing so beautifully though. His notes were all over the place. He ...in all honesty kinda sucked. BUT HE WAS MAKING MUSIC. HE WAS SO IN THE MOMENT. HE WAS SO FUCKING HAPPY. ... I... i was so fucking happy watching him... At some point an older gentleman approaches. Is that his father? "Hey (name) . We are going to get off soon, we are approaching the station." Yeah maybe his father or uncle or something. deffinatly family. "Hello there sir. How are you doing" "Huh? Hello." "Would you like me to roll you a ciggarette ? " "Uh, no no. there's no problem. dont worry. " "Oh it's no problem sir. I wanted to smoke one anyways, you are doing me a favor. How about you , would you like a cigarette aswell? " Another slightly older man approaches. This man is around my age. So young. But so ...hard looking. A true warrior. "ah thanks I dont smoke. " "well" the older gentleman speaks. " Can you roll two more, my wife and her friend who are sitting over there *points to the end of the wagon* " they smoke too . " "ofcourse, just give me a second" after we roll the cigarettes we go to the space between the wagons and sit on the sides to smoke. We start talking. At some point the inspector passes and sees us all smoking and says " This is not allowed here! Stop! " I stay quiet. They just laugh him off and say " yeah yeah. move on" hahahah. they're so bad ass. So...we kept smoking. While we are smoking the 3 young gypsie children come to me . They ask me for money. I tell them to wait for a minute. We finish our conversation with the older men. They tell me about their struggles. How they go every day up to the mountains. to chop wood. how they take the train back. how they do this , day in day out. LEGALIZED FUCKING SLAVERY. IN OUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY. THEY. DONT.CARE. They dont care cause its "them" . They are "dirty" . baaaaaaaaaah. I give my guitar to the younger dude and he sits at my place and plays by himself. I turn my attention to the children. They ask me once again for money. I ask them how much do they want. They are quiet. they look at each other. They say 10 euros. "NO . Not 10. 20! " hmmm, the child is smart. "Reaally? 20 euros? What are you going to do with aaaaaall of that? " "I dont know . right now we just want tto get some food. " oh fuck. thats fucked. "Hmm. well thats fine! we can fix that. there is no reason for you to ask money from me though. Come with me. Lets go to the wagons in front. There is a shop there, do you know? " "Ahhh. Yes yes. Lets go! " And they run off ahead of me.