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I want to share four experiences from my life which when I think about the word 'madness' comes to mind. I want to share them because I find the concept of madness deeply troubling. Madness is one of my greatest fears and I want to understand it and transcend it in order to become a fully integrated human being. I don't want to be afraid of it or resist it or to anticipate it or to live in fear of it for the rest of my life. Without further ado... I had this schoolmate who always scared me a little bit. He wasn't evil or anything like that but he had this intense look in his eyes like he was ready to start a riot or something. Like he had no inhibitions and he could turn into pure chaos. Like he was gasoline waiting for a spark to happen. This was both curious and quite disconcerting. He was always looking for trouble. For whatever reason this unstable personality that he had scared me, felt like he could lose his mind any moment and just descend into madness, take his dick out and start pissing on people on the streets or something like that. A couple years ago my uncle started hearing voices possibly out of the blue, I am not sure. He was always a reclusive and troubled person but this was a new low even for him. He couldn't handle the suffering and tried to commit suicide. He didn't succeed. He's currently on psychiatric meds and seems to be doing somewhat better, but at the expense of being a zombie. Now I wonder, what if I start hearing voices one day, what if I can't handle the suffering and want to kill myself too? The thought that there exists some punishment like that out there which can visit anyone out of the blue and can cause such suffering is almost unbearable. I tried psychedelics a few times and on some of the trips I had the sensation that the intensity of the trip is is so overwhelming that if it increased even a little bit I wouldn't be able to handle it and would get fucked up beyond repair or something like that. It never happened but it always felt like I was about to lose everything to chaos - a disintegration more complete than even death. I've heard of people who took psychedelics and got broken and could never recover afterwards. What is that? In the movie Zorba the Greek there was a scene in the beginning where Zorba was really wild and just started dancing chaotically to exhaustion like some wild animal out of control. Apparently he needed to do it because that was a form of emotional or energetic release for him. For whatever reason that triggered fear in me. I started wondering what is this state, what if he succumbs to madness and can never return to order again? What if his mind gets trapped in some chaotic dimension and he becomes lost forever? Where does madness come from? What are we to do about it as individuals and as a society? Is it self-inflicted or simply bad luck? Can we heal it or recover from it once it happens? What can I personally do to let go of my fear of madness and become more integrated? Let me know your thoughts. Thanks.

intuition an ability to understand or know something without needing to think about it or use reason to discover it, or a feeling that shows this ability Do you claim that if you wouldn't have thoughts as mental talk, you wouldn't have any negative emotions/feelings? Yes, the same mechanism which allows me to write this sentence or work or survive at all is also creating an aversion to sensations in my head commonly known as 'headache'. It's possible to meditate up to a perfect equanimity where all aversion disappears but there is no way to do anything in cessation. Also, the fact that even very advanced meditators are only able to get cessation for maybe 30 minutes. There is still suffering in Jhana yet even Jhanas seem to have a natural limit to how long they last Bro, you have no idea what you're talking about. Again, states you're referring to where there is no aversion doesn't last long, it's extremely hard to become so good at meditation to have them on demand at least for a moment. No, you don't have to think "me that is depressed" to be very depressed. Animals can get severely depressed, do you think they think to themselves "oh no I'm so depressed" and that's why they are depressed? If you have a genetic vulnerability and get triggered by stress - you may get depressed and dysfunctional for a few years, and no amount of philosophizing will change that, you may be able to reduce some suffering through spiritual practice but not gain cognition and functionally back. Depression is a deeply embedded adaptive mechanism you ain't curing it through meditation. Maybe it is possible to do make some profound fix if one would be getting a constant high dose stream of 5-MeO to the brain, like Leo talks about updating your neurotransmitters but IDK if it's even possible. Also, tell it to enlightened teachers who have been depressed and on meds (Jan Essman, Kenneth Folk, Martin Ball insomnia issues) and even committed suicide (Nathan Gill)

@Preety_India Would you have acted differently if you would have been born in Hitlers shoes? What about children who get born into Taliban-Environment and then become suicide-bombers? Are they sick and evil?

@GreenLight Your profile picture explains it everything 4 me. It symbolizes the utmost knowledge that can be acquired without spiritual wisdom. THat is why it is said that those who read the book of Thot they commit suicide. Because without higher understanding it just destroys u. 4 me it is a clear sign of where u want to arrive, but no further more. However, what u are explaining makes me think that u have a tendency to this higher spiritual wisdom. Maybe for past lives, if u don't believe that, probably about some chemistry in your brain. The fact is, u will have it much easier than lots of people if u wanna evolve.

My LSRP test results LSRP Psychopathy measurement test results. Report Primary Factor A selfish, uncaring, manipulative posture towards others. The subtype known as «primary» psychopathy refers to individuals who are completely rational, lack anxiety and have high levels of interpersonal charm. Whilst these behaviours appear incredibly adaptive, primary psychopaths are also prone to dysfunctional and pathological traits such as an inability to learn from past mistakes and a lack of responsibility. Secondary Factor Impulsivity and a self-defeating lifestyle. «Secondary» psychopaths are individuals not dissimilar to primary psychopaths in the sense that they still share many of the same characteristics and traits. However, unlike the primary psychopath, the secondary psychopath is more likely to suffer from intense emotional arousal and psychological issues. As well as this, research conducted on adult psychopaths has suggested that secondary psychopaths are more prone to participate in drug abuse, suicide and interpersonal aggression. Overall, what differentiates secondary psychopaths from primary psychopaths is their destructive behaviour as well an increased reactivity and impulsivity and an inability to control their emotions effectively.

@Denial I'm glad it helped. One of the problems with our social conditioning is that men are split from their emotions. There is no scientific or psychological basis for this image of a cold macho man. This is a complete utter fantasy because in reality men are still very emotional creatures. Our society fails to recognize the significance of emotional mastery and it can worsen people's depression, anxiety, and even the likelihood of suicide. The stereo type that only women are allowed to be emotional is insane and it worsens EQ in men. A real man can recognize the strength and courage in vulnerability and self honesty. Good luck.

I recognized that I felt in control of my life because I have the possibility to commit suicide. This meant that no matter how bad things got, I would have an out. This is how apathy makes us feel in control of bad situations. It got to the point that I threw my belt away at one point. I don't have a clear solution to this issue. My best try is to try to escape to something more productive instead. You could feel in control with a good hobby instead of being depressed. I end up laying in bed defeated for hours and I could lose the whole day because of this. I think you gave me some helpful insight. This attitude could be responsible for any I feel like so many things I do see meaningless and empty. This defense mechanism is supposed to make things feel empty so that we are not hurt by them. In this way our suicidal thoughts are a consequence of us being in denial that we have been hurt. This is a dangerous self deception that founds our self hatred and depression. This denial comes from the fact that we are afraid of being hurt through being emotionally vulnerable. This leads to me isolating myself from other people and being non confrontational. By isolating myself it leads to a lack of socializing which leads to anxiety which leads to suicidal thoughts. The way out is to allow ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable. At least recognize that the current way of being is much more difficult in the long run. It is not easier at all. I don't know who told you to face the emotions you get from not doing something to stop OCD. How many people did this work for? I guess we could try this in the topic of dealing with strong negative emotions in another actualized video on emotional mastery. There are two things you need to recognize. First, your brain cares about your safety. It is using defense mechanisms like apathy to deny that you have been hurt. Meanwhile if you did not act on your suicidal thoughts, then it demonstrates that you still do care about life. There is not a lost hope for you. Secondly, you do not have to accept that everything is out of control. You are allowed to deny whatever you want until the end of time. By acknowledging this, you can become less neurotic in your approach o truth or personal development. As for convincing people that I am better than I actually am, I did have some thoughts like those. I tried to compensate for it with a fighter attitude, but it only worked in the short term. At the very least we can start with self honesty. There are still a couple of problems I have not fully resolved, but I hope we can still help each other. Good luck.

Hey my friend, this is me from the future (relative to when I started typing). It seems like I felt like really going onto a lengthy monologue here, so if you don't want to read all of this but you do want to catch the essence of what I was saying, look for the TL;DR summary at the bottom of this post. I've heard spiritual teachers talk about how everything in life is perfection and all happens exactly as it should be, however this to you (and frankly, still to me as well) is simply some beatific sounding theories that really don't mean anything until you realize something like that for yourself. Last summer, I went through an extraordinarily difficult phase in my life of which this sense of meaninglessness of it all was one of its most prominent features. In particular, I couldn't make sense as to what good this suffering ultimately served, and that question really tormented me. Some nice theory I had read in a book somewhere or something wasn't going to suffice for that. When I was slowly getting out of this very dark phase in my life primarily during the fall of last year, I really sought help from people and organisations to get me back on track and get my mental health and really just my life in general in check again. I had never done that in my life before to the extent that I was doing that now; Not even close. I also tried very hard to find some kind of handhold to work on myself in my personal time by for instance trying out the Life Purpose course that Leo offers on this website, and journaling every day using the GLA(N)D- journaling method and trying to stick to that every single day (basically it's a sort of 'positive thinking' method, but one that's actually helpful and grounded in reality, instead of it being 'wishful thinking' of sorts. It really helps to redirect your focus from the negative and the problems in your life to a more empowering and positive focus and mindset. I personally added the N for 'Noticed' because I also found it helpful to write down some quality in myself or a situation that I noticed had changed in a positive way. Use this link for more information about the technique). What I started to notice especially when I started really talking to a couple of people (primarily; A therapist, a spiritual counselor, and first and foremost a person from an organisation of which every volunteer has a personal background of having dealt with mental health issues themselves), I started to notice that in these conversation, pouring myself out and opening myself up in ways that I had never done before and just telling them exactly what was on my mind and the struggles I was dealing with and had been dealing with, I felt from them a compassion, an understanding, an empowerment, and first and foremost this sense of connection I had so desperately missed. And somehow, coupled with still using that GLAND-method and paying extra attention to the sparse moments in which I did feel a little better, these better moments and particularly these conversations meant so much to me, and these things —at least in the very beginning of my recovery— is what gave my life a sense of meaning again. These few lights in the dark meant so much to me if this almost all-pervading darkness is all I had known for the past couple of months. When I was in my deepest moments of desperation, it didn't really seem like things would ever be totally okay again. I thought that this dark phase would have messed me up so much that I would never really fully recover from it again, or at least not for a long, long time. Surprised was I to find how quickly I could go from feeling absolutely alienated from life and hopelessly confused and divided to a place where I started to feel peaceful and connected again, both to myself and others. And I learned a couple of things about meaning. Logically, nothing really ever changed so much as far as meaning is concerned. I never had some grandiose insight into the absolute nature of reality understanding everything and why it was happening and understanding the perfection of it all... none of that. I neither found a good reason by doing deep metaphysical contemplation and philosophy that did it all for me. It is the sense, the feeling that changed. And paradoxically, at the same time a much greater detachment from the need to seek some kind of meaning or purpose. There are two ways to ask: "What is the point of life?". The first way is out of a genuine curiosity, not based out of fear or dissatisfaction, but just because you're genuinely curious and interested and like to contemplate about it. The second way to ask this question stems out of the feeling of, as I said, fear and dissatisfaction with life. You don't feel whole, you don't feel connected, and the mind is conditioned to want to find some resolution to that feeling of lack. So it starts to think. Depending on where you're at, you might either frantically try to grab hold of some theory you hope will be satisfactory enough to keep holding onto, or you might have already concluded for yourself that really there is no purpose to life, and you're asking the question not to get an answer, but more as an expression of frustration and hopelessness. I can very much understand from personal experience that it can be extremely tempting to try to 'figure it out' out from this place of lack, needing to find some resolution or justification for you being alive at all, for you to be here to begin with. I also very much understand from personal experience that no matter what logic or theory you come up with, it ultimately just doesn't remove this feeling of lack, inner conflict and separation. For me what ultimately did it was that I was too afraid to commit suicide, especially given the fact that I wasn't an atheist (and thus was unable to believe that suicide 'would end it all'), and that I just needed to go on with my life and try to make something out of it, even though at that point it didn't really feel as if things would ever be okay again or that it would be worth it in the first place. I had to go on, despite all the fears and hopelessness. Throughout the weeks and months as I kept going with that attitude, I started having conversations, I joined a 'depression group' where I could talk about my experiences, I found myself a care farm where I would be at 3 days in the week, I had multiple personal goals I tried to stick to (talked about this earlier, also tried meditating every day after some time), I listened to guided meditations and (at first) daily hypnosis sessions, I also started listening again to spiritual teachers, primarily Adyashanti, and his talks also really helped me to come to this to place of Trust, Surrender and Faith again. And ultimately this capacity for 'just doing the damn things that work and leaving out all the rest' was something that I never lost, whilst at the same time also starting to feel better and more connected to myself and others. The paradox is that this refusal or even moreso fatigue of wanting to figure it all out in your head much more easily and effectively will get you to that point where you will be able to abide non-reactively in the exact experience you're having at that moment. Then, there is no more subject or ego that wishes the present moment or the experience to be any different than it is. There will be no division anymore. Without this division, if the letting go is complete, you will find yourself being at peace with whatever is. This is complicated territory to explain in accurate terms, and honestly I question if I'm even capable of making sense of it logically even to myself, but I'm trying it anyways. To me, it is more about your relationship to your experience than even the peace or serenity that comes when you have surrendered to the present moment. In other words: even if no background sense of serenity or connectedness would come, it wouldn't be about that still, but it would be about just witnessing it and not reacting to it and not needing anything to be different. That to me, is primary. So as I said, the more you are capable of allowing all of your thoughts and feelings and experiences to be by not reacting to it by thinking about it or judging it, the more everything will naturally fall together, and any question of meaning at that point will just be meaningless (interesting play of words), as the need for meaning will only arise whenever you are not whole and connected to yourself. At the same time though, the more pressure from your mind, your emotions and your environment you come to encounter, the harder it will be to stay in that detached yet unified state (yes, they paradoxically come together). Interestingly enough, I in my personal experience encounter cycles between being able to stay very or relatively detached from my mind and my emotions even when my emotional-energetical system is really acting up, but also vica versa: when there is relatively little pressure from my emotional system but then I can already be quite discontent and reactive with fairly little negative emotions and thus creating a division in that way. Because it's not always as easy to stay detached from your mind and your emotions, this is why it is (amongst other things) important to explore spirituality both as a teaching and as an embodied practice (or exploration). Here we come back to meaning again. What spirituality is in essence is that it is the pursuit or endeavour in finding a connection with something greater than yourself, greater or more encompassing than your ego. In essence, this is really what all of humanity either consciously or unconsciously is doing. Most of humanity, however, seeks this 'greater something' outside of themselves in the relative world as a substitute for a lack of unity within themselves. The unfortunate thing here in the west is that many people now have identified themselves as 'atheistic' or otherwise see spiritual teachings and practices as something not worth pursuing either because it's invalid according to them, or just not important enough for serious consideration, usually just out of a unfortunate misunderstanding of what spirituality actually is, instead of what they are projecting that it is. Taking spiritual teachings seriously implies that you are open-minded enough to be willing to take seriously the notion that there is a source that is greater, deeper and wider than yourself that you can come to unify yourself with. The more you deepen your inquiry into spiritual teachings and your spiritual practices, the more your focus and aim in life will start to shift from trying to find that sense of peace and connection through external and indirect means, to seeking for that source of peace, love and tranquillity directly, instead of making countless alterations and adjustments in your day-to-day worldly life trying to find that feeling or sense. That's what spirituality effectively is good for: it shifts your focus from trying to find the meaning and satisfaction in the temporary and impermanent dimension of life towards the dimension of which this (sense of) meaning and satisfaction is always and already the case. You just have to learn how to connect and stay connected with it. So where was I getting at with this? I do have a tendency to stray off-course from the previous theme or subject I hadn't finished talking about. Ah, I remember. Spirituality makes you more cognisant that there is a deeper realm to life of satisfaction, love and peace which is not impermanent. It does not only have the capacity to provide greater peaceful or even mystical experiences whilst for instance reading or listening to spiritual texts or talks, or perhaps whilst doing practices or inner explorations (which you may not have come to do had you not given spirituality a serious chance), but it also gives you a more satisfactory and meaningful logical system to go by as opposed to the materialistic and atheistic paradigm in which everything that is not an organism is essentially dead and meaningless matter, which is here by chance, and so is the fact that we happen to be alive at this moment, but before we were here, we were nothing, and after we're dead, we're also nothing; gone. Therefore, atheists and materialists and such seek to derive their meaning from the external world in things such as: relationships, careers, social communities, material possessions, physical health, and at best: improving character attributes, improving mental health and fortitude, and doing (usually relatively shallow) philosophical inquiry. The thing is however, what have people who derive all their meaning in life out of these impermanent focus points have left when it all falls away? We see it happen all the time in the world: relationships fall apart, careers end abruptly, physical disease happens. Even if you've worked on yourself psychologically very hard you will still suffer from a lack of meaning that you will come upon when you or your wife slowly withers away from a terminal cancer; Unless you can make a spiritual connection to the situation you find yourself in —whether you're cognisant that it's a spiritual connection or not. If you have been consciously focusing on spirituality for some time at that point, however, this spiritual connection will be much more easily made to that situation, without your otherwise atheistically conditioned mind throwing objections in the way as to how it is all meaningless and this distracting you from that connection at every moment you do try to surrender and let it all go. I could type more, I wanted to type more, but I notice I'm losing my focus after hours of writing, and knowing myself I will not come back to this text later again to continue writing it, so I'm gonna put out my TL;DR summary quickly, and then I'll leave it be for now Yes, I know all of this writing was probably ultimately a lot more about me wanting to express a whole lot of ideas I had saved up instead of it being about really responding to the need of the questioner, but so be it. This is the way I wanted it for now. TL;DR summary As far as I've known so far in my life, I have not found any absolute meaning or 'point' to life as far as I can intellectually relate to it. However, it is important to realize that this whole search for 'meaning' in itself often (if it's done from a place of lack) is merely a distraction from the ego-mind to prevent you from directly coming into contact and unifying yourself with whatever experience you're having at the moment. Your inquiring about the point of life or generally just your resistance towards your experience of the present moment is merely a distraction for non-judgmental present-moment awareness to come forward. Paradoxically, once you let go of your need to find any point or meaning and come directly into contact with your direct experience of Being, you will find yourself connected with something greater than yourself, and that very connection is what will give you this sense of meaning and connection you had been searching for. You will not find this meaning or 'point of life' as a thought; At least not ultimately. But I do admit that (knowing that) you have certain structures and activities and coaches, therapists and friends to talk to and generally just things in your life to look forward to can be used as a temporary means to get yourself to a place where surrendering will become much easier for you. Things like these can help you connect and therefore reconnect with this sense of meaning, and from there on out with a more stable basis it will generally become easier to reconnect on your own. Meaning can be found through different means in the external world, with things like relationships and deep conversations, and things like contribution and having an ambition or a life purpose. Also seek out activities and communities that help you to connect more to life, and all of this will help you to feel better. Feeling better equals a greater sense of meaning in your life, as feeling and meaning are more or less synonymous. Be mindful of your mind objecting with thoughts like "But what's the point of all of this?" when engaging in activities that are supposed to make you feel better, as exactly that kind of thought is the thought that will trap you in preventing things from improving for yourself, and in thereby finding actual meaning So do things in the external world and also on a psychological or character level that make you feel better and more connected, and you will find a greater sense of meaning simultaneously with that. Along with that, see if you can also connect with this 'source greater than yourself' directly at times in between your activities. A guided meditation or hypnosis session from youtube or such may help with that, or perhaps a satsang or a spiritual teaching from a teacher you feel a lot for. Remember, meaning is feeling. But also, know that there is a capacity of just being the witness where you just are with whatever is, and where then the question of meaning is not relevant. And this is the ultimate; choiceless awareness. See if you can connect with that too, at times.

I want to tell you that you are not alone. Suicide rates are high for people with autism. The disorder is misunderstood and people can feel like outsiders to the neuro typical world. I work with a psychologist because of my suicidal thoughts. I have a cycle of feeling happy before it crashes into a depressing outlook on life. I am on anxiety medication, but it is becoming less effective as I use meditation because this is more effective. Sometimes the cycle gets repetitive to the point that it can seem hopeless when there is no obvious cause of me hating life. Do you mind me asking how long this has been going on? There could be all kinds of trauma for you to work through, but it may not be the case that any particular event caused you to be this way. At least your ego could be a little bit healthier if there is obvious trauma you could work through. I have a very neurotic personality as well, and it demonstrates clearly the importance of emotional mastery. Your school did not reach you this so you should buy the book list if you have not already. Emotional mastery is the highest priority which can be helped if you read the right books. I'm reading one of these books right now. These have been more helpful to me than anything else. If you have autism, then the high suicide rate makes it that much more critical that you study this. I want to tell you that I think I am overly critical of myself. I criticize myself for my obsessive mind when it is over anything. This is not really a problem If you frame it as you are passionate about something and eager to learn more. Recognize the strengths in the apparent weaknesses. If you think of yourself as a bad person for any of this, then that is not true. People with autism are doing the best they can, but the way we act does not make sense to most people. We can still be very effective in any field of interest. Narrow interests can make you obsessive, but it can help you become excellent. Excellence can only come about when we are passionate about what we do. The goal of our self criticism is to improve ourselves. This can be used to tear ourselves down again and again. I would like a different approach to this. I have told others on this forum about this before and they said that if we realize we are already enough of can stop us from turning personal development into something neurotic. One thing I noticed is that improvement can be chased forever and it can be used to manipulate myself forever if I think I am not good enough. There is no point at which I would be good enough of self improvement becomes chasing. This might be the reason why harsh self criticism does not work for me. I will mention that I find going for walks helpful. I also enjoy writing music and poetry just for fun. I wrote a song called "you have been to the bar.". I will be your friend and we can give each other more information on how we could approach these cycles of depression.

@trentonThanks. I actually want to take a break from spirituality because I haven't developed a healthy ego yet. If I have that it would be easier to let it go. I only get glimpses of peace and quiet (which is my only goal in life) and then I come back to my normal, neurotic self. I have lost all interests other than spirituality to be honest. I used to like make music, now I sometimes do to distract myself, but thats about it. A distraction. All I seek is peace, which has led to me attempt suicide. Now I can't even do that either because I am being watched, which is fair enough. People don't wan't me to die, but I desperately want that. Not even being dramatic about it, I just have had enough. Things that I'm trying to do everyday is to challenge my eating problems so that I can start to feel better. Exercise of course/ going for walks. But it all feels pointless at the end of the day, and just hoping that I get a heart-attack at some point, or my ego dissolves. It is very torturous when I obsess about spirituality all day long, but have such a neurotic, anal approach at it that it seems super hopeless. I only truly relax when the suffering has had its peak and I surrender, but thats only temporary and the cycle continues.

I can do it and with extreme ease, I simply have to commit suicide, I could do it right now if I wanted to, but I prefer to continue with this experience, I find it exciting. that does not mean that I am not god. a spit on the ground is a whole god. infinity divided by any finite number equals complete infinity. There are no infinities large and small, they are all the same. there is only one, which is infinitely divided into infinities. there is no god that has power and we are his servants, there is a living creation and we are that creation, every millisecond is a manifestation of that creation

And yet, my shadow-denier-brother, you are indeed turning not-knowing into an ideology by being so stubborn/slightly narrow-minded in your views ? You see, "I" don't disagree with "you". I actually fully agree with you! And what a relief to find out the separate self is just an imaginary thought/idea. What a relief it is to find out that birth and death are illusory. What a gigantic relief it is to find out everything is just nothingness and that what I truly am is just 'isness", Nothingness, Love, God, The Dao That Can't Be Spoken! What a relief! Let's swim and bathe in this great sea of Nothingness, of not-knowing, of being completely at peace, completely free. Let us celebrate! Or just celebrate! There is no 'us', hell, there isn't even anything to celebrate! And "to celebrate" is just another thought! There is nothing to do, nowhere to get to. Everything just is. Perfection. Absolute Divine Perfection. No. Not even that. Words are just pointers. Let's not name it... "Reality is: ... *smashes a gong-gong* ... and we won't give it a name" said Alan Watts. (And yet, here we are on this forum. What da fuck are we doing? Oh yes, "I" forgot: I don't exist, neither does James, nothing is going on here!) __________ When you say that this dream, this life, this existence, this magical maya-fantasy -- full of dualities such as birth & death, love and hate, success and failure, music and silence -- is *just* a thought, you simultaneously seem to deny the insane amount of intelligence and absolute pure magic behind it all. All paths that doesn't lead to the Heart are illusory/falsehood/not-it. James, you are like the dude in this cartoon: ? Isn't it insanely profound to think about what all this is (even if it's seen as nothingness) ?? Isn't it insanely profound that it's possible to be completely unconsciously lost in all this? Like an actor getting so immersed in her role, she forgets she's acting. And what's even more magical is that it is possible to awaken from it all. To see it all for what it is: play, Leela, nothingness, God, Love, pure Infinite Consciousness. Isn't it mystical as fuck that it's even possible for this 'realization' to occur? You seem to try really hard to 'take the magic out of' // 'deny the magic of' REALiTY/EXiSTENCE ... why? I mean, why is there anything (even if it is nothing) ... Why? How does it work? What are the mechanics involved? Does it serve any purpose? "Camus said there is only really one serious philosophical question, which is whether or not to commit suicide. I think there are four or five serious philosophical questions: The first one is: Who started it? The second is: Are we going to make it? The third is: Where are we going to put it? The fourth is: Who's going to clean up? And the fifth: Is it serious?" - Alan Watts

I've read about how some enlightened gurus and christian mystics died, and they died from illnesses like most human beings. There are stories or legends about indian and buddhist gurus who in their latest stages of his spiritual development they retire alone into the woods or in a cave meditating all day and night to the point of eating only a handful of rice till they became mummified or petrified, and their body didnt rot ( low temperatures, low fluids, no eating). I reach to the conclusion, is physical death the ultimate stage of enlightenment? It may be a consequence of the ego death, which is the survival mechanism to make the body alive. Is it a suicide by disatention of bodily needs? I'ts clear that everybody that meditates with determination and /or takes psychedellics may experiment glimpses of temporary enlightenment. But achieving permanent enlightenment implies the body's death as a consequence, and this from nature's perspective doesnt make sense. I heard once Leo saying something like if you achieve enlightenment and become the great mind your physical body would disappear and melt into the absolute, which in this material tridimensional world we live is impossible. So to find a more integrative approach of spirituality, should we just attain little moments of enlightenment while living the best we can in this world integrating what we know from our enlightened experiences? ( living in the matrix knowing that its all false, but still playing its game?) I dont know the psychological consequences of living in congnitive dissonace ( knowing its and illusion and living pretending its not). The third approach I find is to live away from a sick society, for example hermit mode, hippie community, spiritual community. This makes things easier, and you dont have to fake acting like a bluepilled human to fit in the society. -Please, let me know your thoughts about your vision of how it looks like reaching the final stage of enlightenment.

Friday 09/04/2021 , 16:15 Attack on Titan has a terrible ending, so for maybe 12 hours straight yesterday I just went on a meme, rage and discussion rampage of me coping with how atrocious an ending that series got. Those 12 hours were a blur, crazy how that happened. [Chapter 139 of the manga came out yesterday] Oscillations between stages 2 and 4 of grief. What an absolutely abysmal ending, and anyone who thinks otherwise is just wrong or doesn't think deeply ; ) I'll stop feeding that rage today hopefully and do something else. I feel a strange type of emptiness today and I don't like it. I'll eat a beetroot and drink tea. I feel drained of mental focus or direction. Or just a weird aimlessness. This is gonna hurt. So planning. After eating + tea, do those back exercises and stretch out your hips. Then meditate & read, idk which I'll do first. And run. +1 01:02 Never read or ran, only meditated. I spent an hour doing some BS errand, and wasted time afterwards watching TV and playing Jenga. Some butchers shop makes 100% pure beef burgers, so today I've eaten 1 beetroot, 1 cucumber, a 2 of those burgers. Question is what I do for 1 or 2 hours before I sleep. I might actually read, meditate again, but then make plans for my uni work. I need to get an idea of just how far behind I am. It's a shit load, and there's this 7000 word project to do for next month.....Sigh But I need to rant about Attack on Titan again, so spoiler alert (stop reading if you don't want to get spoiled), because that ending was so fucking awful I can't get over it. Let me just put in a quote box some things I hated about 139 and the elaborate further Chapter 139 was fucking disgusting, but I felt off about the story before that. * -- Alright so everything in this show is going perfectly until about chapter 123. Eren's character evolution is fucking GENIUS throughout this show. We are given this starting premise. Some 100 years ago, titans (giant monsters with humanoid facial features and appearance) appeared and pushed humanity to the brink of extinction. The surviving remnants of humanity built 3 concentric large 50m tall walls to protect themselves from the titans. ^Ofc this is all a complete lie. But it's the starting story. Humanity is trapped in this bird cage. And then in chapter 1, that bird cage gets pillaged by the titans anyway. Since chapter 1, Eren has been about one thing and one thing only freedom. It was his nature since birth to fight for freedom, he wanted to join the scouts to explore beyond the walls, even before his mother got eaten by a titan. Episode 1, the walls keeping humanity safe are broken, titans come rushing in and Eren's mom gets eaten. Eren then vows to kill every titan in existence. Eren is hotheaded, has no patience, and gets emotional over just about everything. He's not a complete idiot though. Eren ofc discovers he has the power to turn into a titan (and so he becomes humanities last hope), and we got a large and intricate plot develops. In time he finds out 3 of his friends were fucking traitors, responsible for the mass murder of humanity and for the death of his mother. And he's forced to fight them. Eren is disheartened as he learns that humans turning into titans are also his enemy, not just titans. And then next season, we get civil war inside of the walls. Humans killing humans. Eren learns what his dad did, and Eren wants to curl up and die when he's in that cave since he think's he's useless and can't fulfil humanities hopes. Historia, the person who could have eaten Eren, decides to join his side and snaps Eren out of it. Eren is further hardened psychologically from the civil war of humans killing humans. And then season 3 part 2. Eren + Scouts fight a massive battle against: Reiner, Bertholt + Beast Titan (Zeke) [ Also + Cart Titan who had supporting role]. The the basement reveal happens. After that battle is over and the enemy retreats, the scouts arrive at Eren's Dad's basement where we know some secrets are hidden. We find out humanity beyond the walls hasn't perished at all; The old king simply erased people's memories of humanity beyond the walls. Everyone in the walls are a race of humans called "Eldians" who can transform into pure titans or titan shifters, the world wishes to genocide Eldians ( parallel to Jews in WW2 Nazi Germany themes) because their ancestors in the Eldian Empire used the power of the Titans to oppress the globe. Reading the journals of grisha, the power fo the titans explains, Eren sees the memories of his dads passed onto him. We learn later that he can also see the future with his titan power. Eren enters a depression. The whole world is his enemy. We only learn much later that when he kisses Historia's hand at the ceremony, he sees a dreadful future (he can't change? More on that later.) When Eren and scouts finally see the ocean for the first time in their lives, Eren can't even be happy. He suddenly has access to his dad's memories of abroad, memories of how Eldians are abused in the world, how his people are hated and oppressed and are not allowed to be freed. And so he says with the most depressed look on his face Cue the 4 year timeskip. We then start the story again in the foreign country which opposes Paradis (our country of characters), we enter Marley instead. We see warriors and titan shifters being trained in that country, and learn some new characters. We start to feel attached to the Eldian soldiers in Marley, as they're trying to elevate the status of their people by proving their worth to Marley. Eren infiltrates Marley and pretends to be wounded Eldian-soldier of Marley. Eldians in Marley are kept in concentration camp zones and are inferior citizens, forced to be soldiers, suicide bombers and suicide titan transforms on the battlefield. Marley previously failed in capturing the Founding Titan (which Eren has) in Paradis , and they are planning on declaring war on Paradis again, but asking the world to help if they can. Marley's leader makes a grand speech on stage in front of leaders. However underground nearby, is Eren waiting to attack Marley as soon as Marley declares War. He manages to lure in Reiner, and they have a chat. Reiner is begging for forgiveness, is crying and is breaking down. Reiner is plagued by PTSD and guilt after massacring so many thousands of humans with his own hands on Paradis, plagued by the guilt of being a traitor to people he infiltrated. Before Eren found out Reiner was a traitor and double agent so many years ago, Eren considered Reiner like an older brother almost. Reiner used the phrase "Keep moving forward" which Eren remembered as motivational when they were in the army together. ^Reiner is responsible for the attack which killed Eren's mom. Eren after the timeskip has a different demeanour. He is calm, cold , calculating, and is unemotive. He forgives Reiner, realising that Reiner was an indoctrinated kid and had no choice in the matter. Reiner was fed lies and wanted to be a hero. Eren is about to transform and attack Marley, the same way Reiner attacked Paradis. But Reiner doesn't know it, he's just shocked to meet Eren and is crying. Eren stretches his hand to shake Reiner's before he transforms into a titan. ^Eren then murders all the Marleyan Soldiers there, kills the leader of Marley, and has a battle with WH Titan. He kills many innocent civilians, women and children as collateral damage in the crowd of the speech. Eren has completely changed since the start of the story. From innocence, to the willingness to get his hands dirty to kill his enemies. He forgave Reiner, realised and understood why Reiner did what he did. He understands his enemy. He knows that humans inside and outside the walls of all races are the same. But, everyone outside the walls is taught and thinks that the humans inside the walls are evil devils worthy of genocide. The outside world won't listen, as evidenced by the fact that Marley's leader is giving a speech right now trying to convince the world to genocide their island. And so Eren knows peace is impossible, and that there will be war. Quote by Eren after infiltrating Marley undercover. He's at a camp of permanently crippled, psychologically traumatised Eldian soldiers who were forced into war to fight for Marley against other countries.: ^ (Open in another tab then turn on captions) Eren's attack on Marley is a success, with the help of his friends from Paradis Island. Eren steals the Warhammer Titan ability by eating Tybur's sister. Eren forced his friends to help, he went abroad without telling anyone, and sent letters telling them he's attacking. Armin his Colossal Titan power to nuke the seaside port, killing 1000's and 1000's of innocent civilians, but it was necessary if they wanted to survive. Armin is ridden with guilt. Mikasa cries that Eren has led to so many civilians dying. Paradis military and Eren's friends were forced to help, they then retreated to Paradis, they picked up Zeke who turned out to be on their side. -- Too much plot to explain.... the result is this. Eren tricks Zeke to use his Founding Titan powers fully, uses the the Wall Titans on Paradis Island and activates "The Rumbling". 250,000 large colossal titans compose The Walls. Eren commands those 250,000 to destroy all life outside of the walls. I.e. Eren starts a genocide of the entire planet for the sake of freedom. AND IT WAS GENIUS WRITING HOW ISAYAMA WROTE IT. Eren showed hints throughout the series how hell bent he was on freedom, how black and white his mind was. When Eren was a young child, he killed 2 kidnappers who murdered Mikasa's parents and kidnapped a child to be sold into slavery. What he did was good, but he always possessed that Chapter 121-123, we see Eren and Zeke talking. They are in "The Paths" when talking. Whilst they are in the paths world, with power over the past, Eren talks to his father Grisha Jeager backwards in time to complete his mission (it was only thanks to Grisha that Eren ever got his power). It's a non-linear time loop which makes Eren's power 4th dimensional. Eren guides and motivates his father to kill that royal family (including children) in the church: Zeke is Eren's half brother raised in another country (Grisha lived in Marley before going to Paradis). Zeke was under the impression Grisha brainwashed Eren as his father. Quite the opposite; Eren influenced Grisha, and Eren's nature since birth has always been like this So Eren starts the genocide of all mankind outside the walls. The year is around 1910 technology wise, we have 1.8 billion or so people on the planet. Entire continents get trampled ^Crushed into dust Note: The power of titans, the plot is extremely complicated. There is a mythos, science and lore to the power. We still don't know why Eren is doing everything. We know Eren can see the future and what the end result it, yet he goes through with this. So many theories, ranging from Eren means to destroy the world, or that his goal is to be stopped by his friends and he has another goal. But regardless, Eren is actually going through with this genocide. He announces to all Eldians psychicly through Paths in chapter 123 he intends to trample the globe for the sake of freedom. All the Eldians outside the walls are doomed to die in this action as well. Before he commences the genocide, he speaks to all Eldians/(Subjects of Ymir) ---- *It was after 123 that some elements of the story started to feel off. It wasn't until 138 and 139 that I was actually very worried. But to talk about chapters 123-137 problems: After Eren starts the rumbling, some forces on Paradis and some Marleyan forces join together to form "The Alliance" to stop Eren. That's fine. But what's not fine is the direction and way some things are done. 1) Everyone suddenly acts like a Jesus Christ or Buddhist Saint, and are about peace and love. It got to the point it was excessive and cringe with the dialogue. AOT world is one of realism. 2) We go long period of time without understanding Eren's POV, but this is solved later. Chapter 130 and 131 were GENIUS. We see flashbacks and read Eren's mind for the first time in so many chapters. During the 4 year time skip, Eren was conflicted and confused. He didn't know how he could get freedom for his people. He was travelling abroad in another countries, and he's contemplating the future he saw in his visions; killing them all for freedom due to being out of options. Eren was disappointed to learn that humans (hostile ones) existed beyond the walls when reading his dad's journal and gaining access to his memories. His entire life he just want to escape the confines of the walls. The walls were bigger than he initially thought; the poetic irony is him using the Wall Titans to trample to globe. At first I found this genocidal twist in Eren's character strange, after all I always considered him a good guy. But then I realised how genius and amazing a twist it was. Brilliant writing. _________________ But then the final chapters came along....To someone who doesn't know the story it can't be explained properly. Just why... why did they fucking ruin the story with this retarded shit: 1) Eren loses the battle barely putting up a struggle. We're to expect Eren loses 2 seconds after Mikasa gets the resolve to kill him? 2) What in the flying fuck was the point of the hallucegenia or tree of life when it literally fucking disappears without an explanation of what or how when Eren dies? 3) WHY THE FUCK WAS EREN A RAMBLING AND MUMBLING MESS AT THE END. HE JUST KEPT CONTRADICTING HIMSELF AND HAD NO CLUE WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT. He was character assassinated 4) WHY THE FUCK DID HE KILL HIS OWN MOM BACK IN TIME? WASN'T THAT HIS ENTIRE MOTIVATION TO KILL THE TITANS? TRASH Eren was character assassinated . He had no clue what he was doing. He was NOT FREE at all. He was a slave to some shit fate. HE DIDN'T GAIN ANY FREEDOM OR ACHIEVE ANYTHING IN DEATH EITHER. THE WORLD IS STILL IN A WARRING STATE, THE 20% OF THE GLOBE WHICH SURVIVED WANTS REVENGE. There was no satisfaction to anything. He literally said things which reverse all of his character development. I CAN'T TAKE SERIOUSLY HIS CONVERSATION WITH REINER, OR ANY OF HIS VALUES, MOTIVATIONS OR PHILOSOPHY (Meme Image Photoshop) This is literally the worst fucking ending Isayama could have done, destroying Eren's character. Literally ANY of the millions of fan theories out there would have been better. Holy fuck. 5) WHY WERE WE TOLD OUT OF LEFT FIELD IN 139 THAT YMIR HAD A STOCKHOLM SYNDROME LOVE FOR KING FRITZ, AND THATS WHY THE TITAN POWER EXISTS? AND THEN MIKASA KILLING EREN INSPIRES YMIR TO DELETE PATHS? WHAT? Why is this trash plot point THE RESOLUTION OF THIS MASSIVE STORY. I'm supposed to believe in this for how the story ends? You fucking kidding me? Throw it in the fucking garbage, a fucking 12 year old could have written a better ending. There are loads of plot holes you can address, but the main shit is this confused messaging. The author introduced themes such as the cycle of hate, freedom, war, and gave no fucking opinion or conclusion to it. In addition, he reversed the good things he did do. Rushed and sloppy ending. In no sense did Eren's character have any satisfaction at the end. It was instead shat on. Both in terms of his values, and what he achieved. Bullshit plot twists just made him all the more incoherent and nonsensical. ________ Memes like this are my final cope to this garbage "My Comedy show at its (fucking) peak" with how trash this is >NOOOOOOOOO I MUST CRY TO ARMIN FIRST " TATAKAW TATAKAW"

I also have a dilemma because I have a deep interest in spirituality, but it has brought a lot of danger to my life, like suicide attempts, detachment from friends and family. Its hard to give this up, or take a break when its literally the only interest I have left. Im obsessive about it. Tried to make music again but I have no joy anymore. I only live to distract myself from suicide with stimuli like watching youtube videos. I'm getting help, might get antidepressants, but that's not gonna fix it all, and might make it worse from what I've heard about it.

Timeline The first major change was dealing with 2 breakups. October 2020. One with Joseph that happened some time last year after we got back together for a short time. November 2020 I discovered his cheating. February/ March 2021 Second break up happened with Andrew this year. We had issues for a long time. December 2020 I was going through intense emotions of trauma and suicide. Rough period. January 2021 I was still trying to heal and move on from Joseph. It was a brave struggle. Finally I could let him go.

I got this theory that i believe is true. If you are karmically destined to live to 74 and die of hearth disease. Kill yourself at 34 and you will be only killing the physical body. The astral, pranic, kama bodies will still be alive and you get stuck in the astral plane until you get 74. That's like 40 years in a OBE state. I have personally ejected from my own body while alive so i know for a fact that i am not this body. The problem is that karma doesn't change and you will still have connection to your family and friends. You will watch them sob and suffer from your deed of killing yourself and float like a ghost in the astral plane. Okay, this may not be entirely true but is one of the dreadful things i have in mind when i consider suicide.

Ive been suffering from OCD since i was a teenager, maybe 14 so far. The last 9 years were pretty intense, i have considered suicide many times. I think that doctors and medicine cant help for that condition. I think the only think that can help me are pshycadelics, its bad that in my country they are very rare and cannot be found.

This is probably against what you’re looking for, but I think it is important for you to consider. My tip is for you to not hide yourself. Being “high consciousness” and inauthentic by hiding who you really are at the same time seems like a recipe for disaster to me. Consider it like this — if every gay person kept their sexuality a secret in the way you’re doing with your spirituality, we would have an even greater stigma against it, more people committing suicide from it, and likely still laws against it. Maybe your friend who asked about your level of happiness might also want to experience that himself. Maybe you could be a crucial part of facilitating his rise in consciousness if you were honest. You not wanting people to think you’re crazy now for your positive and rare development is precisely the kind of activity that will maintain the status quo of people like us being stigmatized, judged, etc. Beyond that, your influence could get people to your level of consciousness or even higher. It could greatly reduce their suffering and reduce the amount of suffering they create for others. Who is it really helping for you to stay in the closet? Is it really even helping you?

How do you know, have you experienced both? Because I have. And I would rather be raped and beaten violently 10 times over being falsely accused of rape. I'm not downplaying being raped, it can be 10x worse than what I went through but that doesn't mean being falsely accused is no big deal. Neither is objectively worse than the other, each individual will have a different experience. Stop downplaying what I had to go through because it was by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Have you actually read or studied what happens to someone when they're falsely accused? Have you talked to people who were falsely accused? It was because of this mentality that I was on the brink of suicide, in fact, I would've done it if it weren't for my family. I suffered on my families behalf, I took all of their combined suffering and I grinded myself through it for THEIR sake, because I didn't want them to suffer. Every single day I woke up wanting to die, every single hour I thought about the joy of killing myself, the freedom from what the police did to me. They took everything that was mine and left me with nothing but trauma, existential anxiety and PTSD. No one helped me. No one supported me except my girlfriend and my parents. I'm still terrified of sex because I would rather be celibate for the rest of my life than be falsely accused again. There's nothing I can do about what happened to me other than empathise with others who have been through the same. It's very easy to just dismiss this issue like it's no big deal, but it destroyed me and I would rather be tortured for a day than go through what I went through again. You need to do research before you go spouting your ideology at people. You have NO idea how different a false rape accusation is vs a false theft accusation and whilst I forgive you, it's not your fault you don't understand, at least try to see just how much suffering you're downplaying because this issue doesn't concern you. You won't be falsely accused of rape, so your ego will ultimately be biased against that. I don't expect you to empathise with me, it's unlikely you will ever know the existential terror I went through for months. But at least try... People who are falsely accused of rape are victims too, and the fact that the justice system treats them as guilty until proven innocent disgusts me. No one should ever have to go through what I did. No one. No one should have to go through being raped either, but downplaying one side does nothing but harm both sides. I hope you one day realise this.

First of all that totally depends on the context. If a woman have sex beacuse of a pushy man that can be seen as rape. You are right that she got psycologial damage from that. I don't deny it. But a man who gets falsely accused may commit suicide like my friend. In this context who got the most damage? I don't understand. We talk about that all the time. If you talk about rape being a problem in our society is it fair for me to say "well murder, theft and violence are also a problem. Why do you talk about rape? how is rape any different?" Do you see the problem with that sort of rhetoric? I would instead talk with you about how to solve it rather than blaming you. I am not here to talk about if we should talk about but how to solve it. Talking about an issue doesn't solve it unless you present solutions.

I would agree with myself 7 years ago. Had a book by a french psychiatrist who discussed suicide and self harm. He mentioned that the solution to this was self-acceptance and i threw that book hard into the wall. I am still doing the same now with my smartphones but this is becoming expensive.

I want to start this off by saying that we will be looking I will be looking at this from both sides First of all, rape is probably one of the most disgusting acts of evil a man can ever commit, with that said: there is a deeper issue around the court system. I see many females posting an image on Instagram of how many rapists in society we have, how many get reported, how many go to court, and how many are put in jail. where are the men in jail are a huge minority compared to all the other rapist. It also states that falsely accused men are less than 1% The problem is you can never actually know that, It could be true but if you don't actually can prove it you can't post it as a fact. There has become a trend that makes it seem that so many men get away with rape. And that if you bring up the problem of false accusation you are branded as a rape apologist We have a court system for a reason. If you can't prove it then there is not much that can't be done Someone I know got falsely accused and even considered suicide a couple of years ago. They were sober, She never said no and they hung out after I have heard stories of a man that got accused of rape when he was in another country on the date the reported case happened. Ofc there is another side of rapist men who get away with rape due to the lack of evidence. My question will the issue of rape ever be solved because it's so hard to disprove. 9/10 women would probably never do this. But if we are gonna treat every man who rapes as a rapist then the number of false accusations will skyrocket and so many men's lives will be ruined. Then rape will start to be something that people are gonna take less seriously And what should we defy as rape? if a girl consent before and under sex but then regrets it should that be called rape? Where does the line go? I have had female friends of men who were pushy with sex and did psychological damage. But Leo has said that men should have a determined mindset and it's natural for women to have objections until sex Is it right to put 1 real rapist in jail and an innocent man? or let them both go where the rapist would harm two other women? What is the right thing? I hope we can have a constructive conversation about this issue

No that's not rude, it's quite a common thing in media culture. Idk how old you are or if you payed attention to Western culture at the time, but even before he killed himself they were RIDICULOUSLY popular and on the rise to go even higher, which is also what made his suicide such a big deal.

I know this sounds super rude. I think he is only famous because he committed suicide. There I said it.