Search the Community

How I became the "human trash" of society: uncovering past traumas and a flawed upbringing During my upbringing I was always made to feel like I am someone special who doesn't need to work as hard as others do. This came from the fact that my parents actually believed I was specially gifted, and also the belief that since I am their child, and that means I am the most important thing to them, I will or should be be the most important for society and in other people's eyes. This made them never check up on me because they were so sure I was doing well. Even if I was lazy and did nothing, my parents didn't check up on me and how do I finish my homework. Sometimes I believe that growing up through communism they weren't aware of the fact that this materialism-oriented capitalist world has different expectations from its individuals then it had back then, so I won't be automatically taken care of by society if I somehow fail at life. This made them not teach me how to live in the real world. Because they didn't know how either. They're all retired, so they had money all the time. They provided to me all my needs, not thinking about the fact that I'll have to work someday. They never taught me that as an adult I will have to work, and that to work I have to have a diploma or the knowledge to survive in capitalism. They didn't know how to survive in capitalism either because my grandparents grew up in communism, so they didn't have any information or experience about the modern world. Mainly because they are so conservative that they don't interact with others outside the family. And that taught me in the early childhood years that making friends is "bad". So I didn't have any information either because I had no friends. I only had my small 4 member family, who didn't teach me anything about being responsible, spoiled me, never taught me to even make a meal for myself, never taught me to clean my room often, in the early years I didn't even know how to dress up alone or even tie my shoelaces (!!!), and they didn't teach me basic manners. And since I was without any friends, I didn't learn social skills either. I was a very neglected child. I remember my family watched television everyday after they finished doing house chores. The second generation of my family (parents) is and was always unemployed, the one born through communism.. The first generation (grandparents) had great success in life and expected the same from the second generation, or their children. I don't know why the second generation failed to achieve success. My uncle had great academic success but couldn't apply it to the real world. He was too comfortable and chose comfort continually. He claims he has a mental illness, but I simply believe he is reckless and immature, also irresponsible. But also fails to take care of himself and can not survive in the real world. That's not a mental illness, but serious character flaws. It does appear like mental illness though. So in a sense he deserves to be retired, but it's also a choice. Because if he wanted he could have great success. But he didn't have it. Maybe he didn't know how. Or had no motivation. Or didn't think it was possible for him.. But he gave me advice in my early years and during my teens. I thought the advice was good, but it was coming from someone who had a very unsuccessful past. His advice only made me weak and handicapped like him. For example, I'm physically healthy, more than healthy!, but he convinced me that I should never have a child because I will never be able to take care of him, abortion is traumatic, and poor child will be born handicapped if I decide to get pregnant. And he gave me a lot of advice that were about avoiding things. So that was one of the starting points that led me believe that there is something wrong with me as a person. That I'm somehow unhealthy, and I should avoid things that other normal humans do because I'm not like them, I'm just a handicap, a freak. So I became avoidant. I avoided tasks that needed responsibility because I believed I am not able to work them through. Or that I am not deserving to such "high" tasks, that I'm a lower human, a trash, so I should stay away from important tasks because I will only delay the progress of the community. Or that I'm not allowed to do things that are actually healthy and normal, so I avoided a lot of social activities because of that. And after some time people really treated me that way, and I really became a trash of society. Later on I made good friends that awakened me that I am more than normal. And recently I realized others are not better than me, or more healthy or normal than me. Actually most people came from worse pasts than me, had less talents, less intellect and problem-solving skills... yet they lived a healthier and happier life than me. We are all unique, with some strengths and weaknesses. And some of the weaknesses I was led to believe about myself weren't even true. Sometimes the opposite was true. Mom married, so she had the comforts of being financially provided. No one expected her to provide financially for herself. No one ever had expectations of her, of any sorts. But anyway.. She had me, the marriage got ruined for whatever reason, maybe physical and emotional abuse from my dad's part. I don't know, they never talk about it. So she divorced and licked her wounds for almost 20 years. But life goes on and in capitalist society no one cares if you have had problems of the sorts, you're just viewed as a handicap if you cannot find a job or maintain yourself. So she lives in the role of the mentally handicapped person. She didn't teach me anything about life. She is too self-absorbed. So what's my point with talking bad about my family members, you ask? I'm just analyzing the situation with a critical mind so I can get to the next point. I don't mean to sound like I hate them, I'm just being as objective as possible, or else I couldn't be radically honest. Some truths are ugly, even if it's about our loved ones. We have to recognize toxic behavior without bullshitting ourselves or minimizing the seriousness of the problem. So how did I become irresponsible about my life? I wasn't taught basic self-maintenance and survival stuff from an early age and I was spoiled I had no friends in my early years from whom I could've learned how to survive in the real world, besides, as a teen, all your needs get taken care of Family being retired and having no experience in capitalism could never teach me about the realities of living in the modern world My uncle made me believe I'm a futile trash. (indirectly of course) My mom still lives in the role of the big child, so she never taught me anything useful. She kinda neglected me actually, and I never got motherly advice about how to be a real woman. Both unemployed since ever, and retired, so never had to worry about financial issues, thus, they couldn't teach me how to make money myself. Or how to get a job. Because they had no experience in the modern world. My grandparents lived through communism, they had no information about how to live in capitalism, because when the country became capitalist they were retired already. So they couldn't teach me about the realities of capitalism either. But they didn't teach my mom either. All of them are living in an isolated way, because they have an ideology that everyone that is not a family member is a "stranger". Maybe that's a communist value? Or a Christian one? Or just a bad family-level trait? We have no family-friends, and acquaintances are kept at a distance, probably because they are ashamed of having no success in society. They think everyone is a stranger forever (unless they have the same kind of problems of course). So me not being exposed to many adult people early, and this way not having something to learn from or someone as a mentor that is also a healthy adult, I became unable to function in society. I couldn't learn it because there was nohow. The internet doesn't always talk about these things.. or maybe I wasn't even interested in the first place. Because I was taught that if I get a diploma, then I get accepted to university (false! you don't get accepted to university with a high school diploma only, you need to first apply to the university and take a test, which I didn't know in my teens! no one told me, because everyone knew, it was natural.. but I had no friends, so no one talked to me about it), and with the university diploma I automatically get a job (again false, you don't necessarily get a job, and if you get one, it might not even be in that domain! but nobody told me about this!). Nobody in my family knows anything about capitalism or the stage Orange society we live in. They're stuck at a conservative stage Blue. They never taught me anything about money, finances, jobs, relationships, sex, status, work ethic, success principles.. nothing that's a stage Orange value! I only in the recent years became aware of the importance of Orange values and integrating stage Orange. And this was by seeing my friends evolve and have success out there. I was lucky to have made friends that were actually hard-working and trust-worthy. I also had a 4 year relationship that taught me a loooot. Of course it was toxic from both parts so we had to end it.. but I was very lucky. And now I'm working on stage Orange integration. It's a bit late for it, I'm already in my early twenties and I have no real success in the real world. This will be a long road...

What the heck am I reading. Ofcourse your whole experience comes from within and all that you know is created there. Everyone knows that to some extent. You write it in such a way that unawakened people wouldn't understand and awakened thinks its bullshit to write it because it's obvious. Then every human creates a lot of suffering by themselves within themselves and it was completely their making. Me writing here is ego and suffering (same thing) and it is needed to do survival process and to be in the highest states of unselfishness. This is why saying everything is me is bullshit because it isn't in the interest of the reader, is it self satisfaction for you? Or perhaps you did this unselfishly for some higher meaning, I do not know. When you have awakened Survival and unselfishness is the only ego we tend to use? . Otherwise many have chosen to let go of all suffering and has gone so deep into ecstasy that you die, often referred to reaching enlightenment. Also everything isn't the way it should be. Yes in a way it is, life is what it is in your experience right now, when you are conscious you realise how you created this experience. Everything should not only be the highest experience for you but every human, most doesn't actually want suffering yet they created it. So everything shouldn't be the way it is.

@Barbara Thank you for your text. Also what would I fear with leaving school / family? . I quess my family will hate me for it and do anything to make it not happen, literally call the police, destroy my things, take my phone etc. I don't know how to handle this and my love probably won't reach them easily. That's why I haven't talked to them about it for a long time. Though I've hinted some to my mother. They don't know anything about life or spirituality and are very delusional and toxic. Any advice on how you would take it up with your family if you were me? Fear is self created, fear is an interesting feeling but I've had it enough in the past so I dont really allow it anymore. Fear was my most difficult obstacle to awakening. But the hardest obstacle was to find out what what awakening was. Took many many many many trials and errors. I awakened in less than 3 years after self awareness of all my thoughts. because of my rapid trials and errors. That's why I'm only 17 but has come far, I've always wanted to be happy as a child and I spend a lot of time trying to figure out life. Now I know so much that I have a strong clarity of where I want to go and and it's on almost every woken second during my days. Hope that inspired you?

Enlightenment is limitless and I don't think you can maintain it without dying because there won't be any reason for you to eat... I have awakened, so I not so much persue anything like that. I persue a life where I'll do the least that's needed to maintain my body in good health. Enlightenment feels easy because you just have to let go of all ego am I not right? When you are in the ecstatic state you can go deeper and deeper and enlightenment may come, I haven't had the time to try it out. Also I might not decide to become enlightened and instead do what I can for the world. Also to be enlightened I wouldn't create ego to write to you guys, because if I were in a enlightened state I wouldn't be here doing this. I am doing this because I see some worthwhile benefits for my future, ask yourself will what I have done still matter to me in 20 years? You atleest should do something that means something to you, otherwise what's the point. (just some simple advice for you whom may read this)

Haha yes, well written my friend. You know 2 years ago I wanted to quit school to so called persue enlightenment. But as you said at that time I was pretty far away from Awakening and highschool for me was preventing me from becoming enlightened. But as you said again it was based on "physiological problems" I didn't know my potential and to reach that I craved quitting. There is way more to it and whether I regret it or not I don't know. I was about to get signed off from the school at that time but in the last second changed school. Some months ago I awakened. My body is almost completely at ease all the time. I am the creator of everything and I choose my experience of life. I dont have any physiological problems when I let myself be in a ecstatic state. Not otherwise either because I chose the ego to do what's needed. This will become of major importance if you awaken, some that has gone into the bliss too deep really struggle to eat and do whats needed. This is why I believe enlightened people die, in India I've heard they chose to leave their body (die) when they are done in this world. Quitting is very bold but for me it doesn't seem like a big deal. Because I just do what needed for what will allow me to let go of ego more. First I need some kind of income to live on for gym showers, van for sleep/food. And if it doesn't work out I have 1-2 years to reapply for school and continue second year.

@Lyubov yea that suicide thing was his awakening.. Strange how people get awakened.

It's a long story, I was somehow connected to my twin flame, energetically. Her orgasm with the other dude opened my solar plexus chakra and awakened me from a nap during the day. Then the whole dark night event started, my body vibration changed fast as fuck and my confidence and masculine aspects skyrocketed. Tons of stuff happened. About heart and what is happening right now - Universe is giving me subtle signs, in people I meet, in conversations I have with them, there are too many coincidences to call them that way anymore.

I am suggesting that basically all awakened teachers are still in limited states of consciousness which maintain their mind's structure for the purposes of survival. You don't fully appreciate what consciousness is unless you've been in state where you cannot even remember your name. All memory is obviously a limitation of consciousness. I've been in states where I can access the memories of every being in the universe. Since memory is just imagination. You are not really remembering your name, you are imagining it. To function in this material plane you must be limited.

@Leo Nordin Hey i was in a similar situation to you while i was in law school. I didn't really enjoy it, and in my mind there were so many great options with dropping out that it didn't really matter whether i stay or go. I ended up dropping out, and i regret not staying and finishing the program. Even if you don't like it, finishing something you started is important I think, and especially with education. You will not look back in a few years and regret staying and finishing highschool, but there's a good chance you'll look back and regret dropping out. I was a lot like you tbh. I only wanted to listen to the opinions of "awakened" people, and i was so sure that what i was doing would work because it was all in the name of enlightenment and spirituality. I didn't listen to any of the warnings haha so if you're deadset on doing it then you probably won't listen either but I had to give my 2 cents given i just went through a similar situation.

No I am not. "So you think I should allow myself to surrender right now during school lessons?" Was just a question towards what you think about it. Because if you said yes I probably wouldn't agree with you of you didn't have any good input. I have actually awakened rather recently so for me it's obvious that I am ready to surrender lol, hahaha @supremeyingyang It's a risk. If it will be a good choice or not I don't know, noone does. I can't look at other people and what their experience have been because they are not me. I have my own plans. Input from those who haven't awakened rarely help I have realised. I only know of 1-2 people who has awakened online. I thought thrre maybe were many here, I have another thread on this when I first awakened and the responses about quitting school were mostly, go for it. Though that didn't mean much of anything to me. I am only 17 years old, if I'll be ready to quit half way to 18 there's the choice of continuing to 18 to get my drivers licence. Then at the age of 18 there would only be 1 year more school and I would be able to get work about 2900$/month and save for stocks dividends and live of that if I choose to continue. This makes the choice rather difficult. Very much in the favor of staying. But I probably won't anyways. In 2 years is the last year I could reapply for school again for free if livibg by myself didn't go my way. That's my back up plan and I could easily support myself almost entirely with money for studying, which we get in Sweden 125$ and if apprentice and luck+free food 100$ extra. Plus family must I think by law support you while studying. So if everything with homelessness goes to hell I have an easy way back.

It's the clear and undeniable seeing that the sense of 'I' that believes it will one day become enlightened, is an illusion. The illusory seeker believes that with enough focus, diligent practices and accumulated knowledge, it will one day arrive at something called Liberation.( In a few decades of course lol, see it doesn't want to be unidentified with) But with that approach it's an unachievable goal, because the very thing seeking... ISN'T REAL. So everything 'I' does to become Awakened actually prolong's it. (Its the hamster wheel effect... the more you identify AS IT, the longer the dream story is perpetuated) Turn that seeking energy around 180 degrees and LOOK and see Who or What wants to become Enlightened? Is it a real entity? Where is it located? What does it consist of? Note: This information is pertaining to Enlightenment. Its not saying 'you' should or shouldn't do anything in particular including any kind of spiritualpractices/meditation/rituals/chants...etc....It's saying there isn't a 'YOU' that has a choice. A prison cell can be updated and decorated infinitely. ❤

Kundalini energy, spinal fluid, it leads to kundalini awakening, root chakra Dan Tien stores the energy and normally it cannot rise all the way up through the meridians along the spinal cord but when it does the third eye is awakened, next is the crown ? https://2empowerthyself.com/what-is-the-dan-tien/ the best way to prime the body and the spine is looping one own urine, shivambu kulpa ?

@outlandish Good points there, to an AWAKENED being survival is an issue and should be handled as smoothly and efficiently as possible. This thread wasn't intended for this but here are some solutions (though a house would be much more convenient for the average man): Shower = gym membership / lakes Laundry = portable washer/or hand washing. Peeing easy, pooping (in the wild or in a bag? Lol) we have lots of places everywhere with toilets here so not a big problem. But still a little hazzle, though pooping you don't do that often, so this is probably fine. Robbed = who cares I don't own close to nothing anyways. Gps tracking for expensive stuff. Water = Will not take much time to fill up somewhere anyways. I would say the most difficult task for me... might be not to leave the van hanging and always transport it with you. Also to make food and contribute to the world. The van isn't a limitless space for creation. All these points are to be considered if you become a dropout on the spiritual path everyone! It may not be as fancy as you have imagined! I also will not make the decision before I have tested it for a bit to be sure I can live like this. @datamonster True, what I seek is no high paying job only the minimal amount of work for survival, hazzles from living cheaply included as work for survival. So minimising both, if I could I would sleep on a motorcycle no tent or home that's how far you can go with this. Very good point though, we will live for a hundred years who knows, spending a little time to set a good fundation for your life is very important. I wouldn't ever advise anyone who hasn't awakened or is close to drop out because of reasons such as mine. Seeking enlightenment or whatever the ego had thought of that they don't know how to do. Then it would be a much wiser idea to first figure out how to be then how to live. Getting educated to work and save money to live on stocks dividends in india for the rest of your life would be a sacrifice worth 5years extra work for you who are new to spirituality. Be nice to the thread and don't question or argue me. Instead it would be nicer to spread your knowledge and points to other who may be reading this. You can point out why what I say maybe won't be the reality but don't talk in a conversation towards to me, try to give what you can to the audience, thank you❤️?

How could you be a failure, what have you failed with, for me you are a great success because you're alive?. You're failing with being your true self, yes. But your thinking by being something else you will be happy, no. Realise that that is just a thought, hallucination or fantasy. You can truly enjoy who you are and how you are right now if you want to. But in a mind too indebted to ego this will take time to solve. How you solve this there is a million pieces of advice. I can name multiple and how to experience the highest states of living. But that is no good because probably only when actual survival is your only problem left in life then it's time to awaken or you have already awakened by then. We all experienced a long way of unleashing lots of ego and trying all the time to figure life out. If you want results you need to always try to evolve, not by doing, thinking and being the same way as before. But by changing all the time who you are... You just need to try and try and try, each time hoping you will get closer. Actually living to the fullest isn't that difficult. But who is ready to abandon ego and just soak into joy/energy and what you're consciousness really crave. You will be able to be outmost joyfull/ecstatic by yourself when you have awakened, now even eating will be difficult because you will have to use some energy to get up and eat... All of you will be focused into bliss/abandon of body/mind but not abandon of life energy, that you abandon close to death. There's so much to explain and talk about Awakening and how to get there, I can only gove you little advice, I don't have the time/will for more. So why do I do this when I can be at my best by myself? Because once you have everything only then can you be truly selfless. I do what is needed for the world. Which is my survival and the work towards every being being truly ecstatic. Once everyone is completely happy then my work is done in this world. Or once I decide to leave my body and become enlightened. Just try all the time to improve, however you can. Videos can help. Your entire experience of the world is within you as you know. So you are always alone, and how/who you are shouldn't be limited to a measly though or memory of experience. How you improve or upgrade yourself is all from within. So don't do it from the outside thinking external changes will fix all your problems and your experience of life. Though that will also be needed, just don't overvalue it or if you decide to do that. Then always learn when you figure out it doesn't work. That's my number one advice, always try to change/improve in some way and get a feel for what works and what doesn't work for you to become your possibility as a life. Then when ego is strong in one direction you will realise it isn't the right way to live and change, then when that doesn't work change again, and again, and again. For this you need to be life sensitive, have a good feel for your experiences of life and how you are like always right now in the moment. Limiting yourself from your true potential is needed sometimes. This is why survival will become a big problem for newly awakened people. For example going to school you can't be too happy otherwise they will kick you out of the classroom, but you need the class to et a job and earn enough for survival. Therefore you need to limit yourself but live as happily as you can within that system. Also don't take life to seriously or rather dont take your mind to seriously. You can't trust your mind because its very biased. Same for bodily needs, such as sex. Not the body nor the mind will in the end be the answer to the most pleasant ways of living. Sorry I wrote too much and so messy. Hope I didn't confuse or put some delusional ideas intp your heads. Learn about chakras, etheric body, sadhana, watch ego stages from actualized, watch sadhguru and do your best??

Yeah Leo changed my life too, and ofcourse people will always critique other people out of ignorance mostly. Keep doing what you are doing Leo. You are probing deep into reality where not alot of people have traveled which is a path where ridicule and ignorance will follow you. But you are showing the path and I my self can confirm alot of what you are talking about, far from 100% awakened but ive had some deep insights and experiences. Glad I found your channel even tho it will end in the Character Adam ceasing to exist ??

You're never really awakened. Your consciousness is always growing. Like this... https://youtu.be/00crN5J5drc

My simplistic view is that Leos health issues have been bringing his energy down a little. And he is far more awakened to conciousness than health But overall I find his content brilliant and insightful

But only focusing on the mind is like sitting on the moon while being afraid of the whole sky. mind is one energy Center, then there’s the heart and then there’s the gut. If you’re solely mind based, you are avoiding two thirds of your being, and will be in conflict with those who are based in other centres. I personally am on a journey integrating my energetic awakening into the alignment with an awakened mind, it is as if I was going in the opposite direction, hence the tension I feel when related to only from the mind.

What's the point? @Martin123 So Leo has some downsides? Sure as heck.. Ofcourse he is a human (also God but hey)? Maybe the mistake is from your side and your perfectionist expectations. Do you think Leo doesn't go the the bathroom? Do you have an expectation that eckhart tolle never gets upset in the traffic? Do you believe Rupert Spira never had a sexual thought? . I don't even see Leo going that much off the script. So maybe you should work on your expectations of what should awakened masters be like and act like.

Also as an HSP and someone who’s gone through 5 years of an energetic healing and awakening. I can feel the energy Leo emits through some of his posts, especially in this thread (perhaps because there is great genuineness within them). Its lovely and certainly very charged, at the same time it’s very raw and unrefined, as If ‘yes the awakened energy is there, but it hasn’t truly settled into the body.’ that is why the insights may be very masculine oriented, but deny the feminine in a way that to those of us who are more comfortable with the feminine can feel abrasive and insensitive. The imbalance is that the masculine will always seek greater insights, because seeking is a masculine energy, and the feminine will then integrate and receive the consciousness that was discovered through seeking. Without enough emphasis on the feminine energy, the endless seeking won’t be balanced by healthy receiving and embodiment. Simply because the masculine only knows how to seek, but doesn’t have the ability to fully receive. Only the feminine can. and there in lies the struggle. If I could summarize my feelings in one sentence, it would be that I haven’t felt well received by Leo. It surely isn’t my responsibility to convince you Leo about the importance of the feminine receptivity, and it also isn’t up to you to cater to my own feelings, for those are for me to reconcile with. yet it seems very healing for all of us to acknowledge this. We would all benefit by becoming better receivers, because what if the world becomes globally better, environment improves, politics improve, and then we will sabotage it all because we haven’t developed our capacity to receive the new world fully ? wouldn’t that be the tragedy of the century.

Hi Everyone, I have something to share, this is more about my inner emotional process of coming to terms with the inner conflict I keep feeling. First of all, I love serving the evolution of everyone here with anything I am able to offer anyone seeking to improve/heal/awaken or surrender and make peace with. It's such a joy for me because I am the recipient of the positive quality of anything that comes through me for another person, no matter whether they are able to receive it or not. That is why I love this place, because there are people who are ready and willing to heal and grow, and thus my abilities are put to a good use of meeting other people's needs for expansion. I am not in a place in my life right now where I'd be able to or had the energy to start and sustain my own platform for whomever would be interested, and so this is a great opportunity for me to still contribute, while still having enough energy to preserve for myself and my ongoing healing and awakening process. But I can't get behind anything Leo says/does here and it makes me feel as if I was a silent ally to something I fundamentally disagree with, and find incredibly destructive. It began with Leo posting a bunch of things in the dating/relationships sub-forum where the quality of the content was that of a 15 year old horny boy, rather than an awakened being. Then I found the George Floyd topics, where Leo blatantly started victim shaming the poor guy. Then I saw Leo dismiss the things that called him out and pointed out his toxic tendencies, and he accused them of self-bias, and said to me himself 'oh this is the big me talking, the GOD that is all of us', as if Leo had no personal accountability for the things he's saying here behind the excuse of 'being enlightened'. Here's some news, the BIG LEO is all of us, therefore hiding behind the bigger self is as ridiculous as pretending someone else's mother is really your own. It's a massive spiritual ego-trip, and it is a complete conflict of interests for me, because the more toxic this place gets, the more I feel like I am a silent ally, and the less I find it productive for me to even offer anything to anyone, because most of it gets just drowned in a pile of dismissal and blame-games pretending to be spiritual. May I also point out that while thankfully this isn't a cult, having a spiritual teacher unwilling to acknowledge his massive blind-spots is extremely unfortunate. Maybe other people feel the same way, if anyone feels similarly, may this be a permission to honor your feelings and intuition. I'm still somewhat emotionally attached to this forum so I don't know how easy leaving for good for me would be, I had left for quite some time but I came back because I still found joy in serving others. And now that motivation is withering away once again. It is not that I don't find it lovely to serve, it is that I find it equally important not to be an enabler and a silent ally to toxicity. Whether I disappear forever, or this is just me venting here, thank you for being here and being on this journey with me, whether you feel like it or not, on the journey of healing and awakening, we are all in it together no matter the roles being played by each of us. Love to all of you guys!

Not many people are as awakened as much as they think they are.

@BlackMaze Yeah well, you gotta eat something! I'd choose plants over animals if I were awakened enough to that.

Take your medicine. That means eyes closed and silence when doing 5 meo dmt. Otherwise it's just fun and dissociation. I come from stage Orange ranching and sawmilling so I had enough of that and decided to become a mystic. A retarded clown Mystic. Don't tell me about this stuff if you're not from here. You have no credibility with me. I'll hear you out though. I've been around cattle all my life. I used to trap coons, possums, grey fox and coyotes and club them to death and I used to love rare cooked, bloody steaks. Not anymore or I should say, not as much and definitely not cooked rare and bloody. Makes my gut cramp. Blood has to be cooked out of it. It's still delicious though. What's worse imo is refined sugar intake and for me personally, alcohol. It's an addiction and can manifest negativity and violence, sugar, that is. You have a right NOT to be negative. Maurice Nicoll nailed that one. It feels good. People are blind to their own love of feeding on negative emotions but this stops when they wake up. If they wake up. If not, they'll be the ones who are always on your ass all the time trying to push your buttons or guilt trip you. Don't look them in the eye. That's how they rob you of chi energy as they feed on it and waste it all. Is this a journal or a diary? I treat it like a diary sometimes I guess. That reminds me. Too much dairy creates bloatedness. That's a personal comment in this diary about dairy. I've always been considered weird. My thoughts are nonsequitor. After 40 years, which was 10 years ago, I self diagnosed an Aspergers condition. I like to be lighthearted and laugh. You can laugh at me but I'd rather you laugh with me as we enjoy classic British hard rock like Pink Floyd and Zeppelin. I understand everyone has their own preferences though. Be reminded of my having a permit to use personal pronouns in the 'spiritual community'. I just returned from using my last bit of 5 meo dmt. It doesn't last long around me. Having a supply that is. It inspired me to cut loose with this bit of spiritual mansplaining that will outrage a small percentage most likely.,,,,I have an ego which is in near continual identification with different forms and concepts but also there is an individuality of Essence which at times is capable of expressing from the Causal body which has access to the Causal realm and nowadays in some circles, is referred to as the Imaginal realm. Or the realm of Consciousness or the realm of the atom or the Causal realm. See, it makes a circle,,,,I guess that's it for now. Don't worry, be happy. Why frown, act a clown.???‍??‍♂️Your treasures are found in Being, but moreso as a multidimensional Being instead of conditioned personality.Let your fracturedness heal and integrate and become the basis for your multidimensionalness. Trade in the Superego for an awakened Conscience and get back bonus bucks which will be your own hard earned spiritual coin to spend as you wish. Spiritual materialist find spiritual coin lying in the street and immediately spend it by just talking out of their ass. Nearly everyone goes through that phase though. Overlook this tendency and one day they'll go beyond it. A lot of things are different from what you figured they would be. Some of you have already realized this. Real eyes, realize, real lies.

Couple of pointers - kindness is considered weakness - most people operate from lack or scarcity mindset - selfishness is deeply rooted through evolution - most people live a stage Orange life. They are not awakened - Society is more about biological needs than spiritual needs. It's Darwinian.. Material >>>>Spiritual. Society is skewed against awakening. That's why monks live in Himalayas - people think being selfish is smart. Materialist paradigm - Money is the root cause of all evil - Evolutionary traits beget fear and mistrust of others - Religion is fascist. Does not play the role of uniting people as it should. - living in high population low resource has caused people to embrace narcissistic traits to survive - Capitalism and consumerism encourages selfishness and narcissism. Stage Orange - when a human becomes progressively selfish, they also become progressively heartless. - moral decline and decline in heart values. Heart chakra very weak in most.