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This is a heavily personal journal The only reason I never ended killing myself even after multiple suicide attempts throughout my life was because my Dad never wanted me to give up hope. He told me to be strong I remember him every day.

Schrodinger's Fagg0t. Is that a dick or a dildo in my ass? I won't know untill someone tells me! That's my subjective experience! If I close my eyes, perhaps the shadow of nîgger can disappear and what can arise is the platonic ideal. I might get into journalling again, mostly on paper, just for the sake of reminding myself of tasks. Serious journalling and reflections is better done on paper, for I don't want the slightest degree of social perception and self-consciousness to taint what I write. Avocado, stretch, ACIM, tea, doesn't matter what order. Some sort of work out. I'll maybe do some my physics reading, "I'll punch that cu** Ta{beep} in the face". Woah, take a chill pill, M. Above all else, you can do this. Thy will be done on earth as it is on heaven. Okay. Edit: Honestly, I've had up to here with both myself, my family, and how I handle my family. Thoughts and feelings of vindictiveness, spite and withdrawal arise for me, but I must instead just listen to the signal of rage instead of being consumed by it. Listen to the signals. I dislike this part of me which does not want to forgive or reconcile. But I first must own it. No words no thoughts can save me or offer consolation. I'm pissed off and fed up. Something David Hawkins said. Every moment, one has to make a decisions/intention. You are never not making a decision. My decision to say nothing or do nothing is still an inner decision, compared to saying or doing X thing. _ _ _ __ _ _ Further edit: In the off chance I ever decide to end it all, know this. I didn't give rat's ass about spiritual this or spiritual that, weird belief this or weird belief that. I did it because I was tired, frustrated, and saw no reason to live I'm seriously trying to think, contemplate about this and reason it out, whether I should kill myself, but all I get from Google are helplines and empty platitudes. It doesn't help that I get a 403 error whenever I try to access that website which had people contemplating this topic honestly alongside methods. I don't know a contextualisation which makes any of this okay, no abstraction or myth or narrative could make the meaningless any better. My passions and joys are gone, and I find no ability to express myself. Two years ago, I was this close to ordering that substance. Nitrous something something, I can't remember the name. Why didn't I click order? Would it not have been better for me? At least that way my family would have a more convenient time to process my death. Now is a rather inconvenient time, and it would be a very asshole move. If I ever do go through with this, I have to leave some good notes or words at the very least, with whatever apology. I met a couple of more people in the last two years, and the ripple of my selfishness would unfortunately spread further. I'll do anything to escape this hell, that's the only conviction I can feel right now. Failing and failing, over and over again. I'm not even that energetic in this consideration of suicide inherently, but when I find myself slipping into my haze of sleepiness and dullness right now, I will myself to think and jolt awake. I refuse to just let the clock run out and have the same patterns repeat again and again. _ _ _ _ The people of my religion and others like david r hawkins said that the date of your death is pre-determined; but if I do a suicide attempt, and then if that is successful, I'd have proved them wrong. But if I fail, well then, I can only laugh, and the joke's on my ass. _ _ _ But the question still stands, how am I to reasonably contemplate and consider this decision? Google results of helplines and whatever other generic garbage, that's hardly a dialogue or consideration. I land at this point again and again, "should I kill myself?". I land at the reality and meaningless of my situation again and again. The same problems again and again. What is happiness and how is it formed for people? Loving companions and friends? Maybe a passionate life purpose? Or is it just the correct balance of neurotransmitters for a state of consciousness? Someone could want to drug me up with whatever SSRI'S, but I refuse that track. It solves nothing. You can gas me up with chemicals of bliss and euphoria and I'd still be miserable, for my depression and angst has psychological and spiritual roots. There's no rush, not right now anyway. I can always grab the rope a year later or at the end of this year. I feel better after typing this all out, and I need to give this all more time to swirl around in my consciousness and see what happens. I remember coming across a 22 year old fellow online who told me, that if he hadn't finished university, spent a year in the army and then got a job by the time he was 27, he'd kill himself. He said it so nonchalantly and casually. If he hadn't got his life together by 27 "(job, house, gf)", he'd grab the rope I found that very bizzare and couldn't understand. How could someone conditionally plan for their suicide in the far future?! That's far too abstract. If you're suicidal, you feel the emergency emotion to do it right away don't you?!! But now I understand that man a little more, and I finally understand what he meant. Very funny, and I now feel more connection to that random man then anyone in the world. But that's still too abstract and cerebral to me, for I prefer a blaze of glory and an emotional high before things end. All I'd need to do is play the right musical tracks before my send off.

Yup, as the mystics before me pointed out: "Death is 'a stripping away' of 'all' that is 'not-you'. The secret of life is 'to die before you die' and realize there is no death". I already knew that before my last DMT trip -- and not 'knew' as 'in belief', but as in: I have directly died many times already, i.e. transitioned from 'selfish states of consciousness' to states of 'Eternal Love, Empty Consciousness, God, Infinite Imagination, Absolute Goodness, Pure Being.' There is no death for 'that which you truly are' (God, Consciousness, Love, The Now, Soul, Infinity, Eternity, w/e you wanna call The Self-Less Self), since it is already simultaneously both dead and alive; or even more accurate: it is neither of them, it simple is what is: THIS: *plays a note on the piano*, and we won't give it a name. The thing is, nothing we can say with words about 'Absolute Truth' ... 'is it.' Everytime we say a sentence, we are limiting Infinity to something finite our ego can grasp onto. So even saying 'death is imaginary, you are eternal' is a limitation. Everything is. Yet everything is also IT. 'Death is imaginary' is a fantastic pointer to towards Truth, though. Life is also imaginary. My life as Thomas, your life as Leo, is also imaginary. The essence of 'every experience' is that it is part of the Infinity of Imagination. Absolutely EVERYTHING is imaginary, which means that EVERYTHING is also real. The only 'thing' -- we could say -- that is 'not imaginary' is Infinity (God, Consciousness, Love), but again: all language is limiting. What I'm saying hardly makes any sense to those who have close to no experience with ego-death. To be able to communicate pointers of truth clearly and accurately even to those who are deeply asleep is an art form: a task of immense complexity. The Essence of Reality (Infinity) is so infinitely meaningless, that whatever is then 'imagined' must - per definition - be infinitely meaningful. From the perspective of me as a human being who "needs to": breathe, eat, love, have sex, sleep, pee, shit, drink water, feel that life is meaningful... - death is *not* imaginary. (Absolutely speaking it is, but follow me here, please). I can die any time. I could have stopped breathing during my DMT trip. I can get killed by a car on the road in 30 minutes. I will die. Waveintheocean/Thomas will die eventually. That is as true as Truth can get with words. Leo will die. Not ego-death -- not some kind of 'imaginary' 5-MeO-DMT-trip-ego-death -- but as in real physical death. Yet, what I *really am* can of course not die, cos it wasn't even born to begin with, I am Infinite & Eternal, as you say, sure, I know that, that's not at all what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about real physical death. Just forget all the fancy spiritual talk, I'm talking totally down to earth: I will die. That's as certain as the Sun will rise tomorrow. I will die. You will die. This is simply a fact we can ALL agree on. You can run away from 'yourself/truth/death' all life, but you will still die. Now, what is physical death, then? It's imaginary of course. But my whole life, your whole life, *IS* already *imaginary*... Death isn't different in that way. It's Infinite Imagination. And there is infinite meaning behind your life and behind your eventual physical death. What I got a taste of during my DMT-trip was just what awaited me after my imaginary physical death. It was bliss beyond all human imaginations of what bliss is. I can try to describe it, but words fail. ... Life, as in down to earth life here on Earth, is mystical, enigmatic and ineffable...just like death. But it's also rather obvious that it is filled with so so so much suffering. One thing is the suffering in my own 'egoic limited selfish life' 'as Thomas'... - Hah, that's only one drop in the ocean of the bottomless suffering human beings 'have and are and will' endur-ed/-ing/-e....... Life is painful as fuck. We can transcend our own suffering, and thus help others transcend theirs, yet it's still filled with suffering. You and I, Leo, are lucky, lucky souls who can smoke DMT in their apartment in a relatively safe country like USA/Denmark. But let's look around on the globe shall we: it's beyond belief, it's too much, it's literally painful and mesmerizing simultaneously to see how much suffering the average man & woman endures in their lives on Earth. I went through what felt like every single possible human emotion ever felt on Earth during my DMT-trip, from heavenly highs to contentment to the most terrifying painful lows down in the deepest parts of hell. It was clear to me, that relatively speaking, the sum of all these 'emotions' was (still): pain, suffering. That's just the nature of the human ego/condition: to be in pain, to suffer. And it was just lucidly clear to me that there was a deep, deep meaning & purpose behind all of it. And while you always have an invitation (here on Earth) to wake the fuck up and actually transcend all your own suffering (transcend ego), globally speaking it's just a tiny tiny drop of suffering that's being transcended in a vast ocean of suffering. Life IS suffering. Death IS bliss. Yet I'm not saying you should strive to die, i.e. begin getting suicidal ideations. Suicide is an imaginary external solution to an imaginary inner problem. Suicide literally will just make your soul reincarnate instantly back into Earth one way or the other (it's infinite, remember), because you haven't finished the lesson yet. What is life? It's a long, long, long, thorough lesson in accepting pain, transcending suffering, saying no to ego, saying no to devilry, no to cravings, no to being asleep, and instead: yes to liberation, yes to being awake, yes to selflessness, yes to Love. That's what it is. It's basically about becoming a professional at 'breathing through all the pain of life'. When you have become pro enough, you can consciously die - Mahasamadhi - and join the rest of the pro-breathers in the afterlife. Consciously dying = Afterlife = Bliss Unconsciously dying = reincarnation = still some suffering left to transcend:-).

False. Infact many people go through a suicidal period in their lives which they eventually emerge from, and accounts from survivors of failed suicide attempts almost unanimously report experiencing a moment of intense regret the moment they realize they've actually done it. If you're Dutch, you won't be able to see this rationally, the way people in other countries see it. People defend the evils of their own cultures because they have been inculcated to do so.

I go for a lot of walks around my neighborhood. This is what I see from my experience rather than just from the news stories. The area I live in is generally very peaceful with no civil unrest. It is a suburban area which I feel safe walking around in. There is still crime in this area. My parents abused drugs, there were shots fired at stores as evidenced by the broken glass I found, there were people abusing drugs in the public bathrooms as evidenced by the fact that the bathrooms were shut down when I tried to use one and more. Harrison avenue is more peaceful than the street I am describing. My dad was a gangster. I ran into a homeless guy on multiple occasions. I can't tell if he was a fake homeless guy or not because sometimes people beg for money so they can get drugs. I ran into a few people who asked me for a lighter. There is an addiction to smoking which affects many people in this area. I have not seen anyone die because of it, but there was a man who told me that he feels like he has less energy and he is not breathing as well. Alcoholism affects my area as well. I went to alcoholics anonymous once and heard about some of the horrors people experienced because of the addiction. There was also a middle aged man who hit on my teenage sister at the park. In my schools I witnessed a lot of sexual harassment and sometimes I was the target. Many students, myself and my brother included, at some point had suicidal thoughts. I developed various coping mechanisms to help me, my brother, and others in the community deal with these emotional episodes. One of my coping mechanisms comes from enlightenment through the deconstruction of morality when we think of ourselves as bad people. Through realizing that these judgements are fundamentally false, we do not need to hold guilt against ourselves as this is unproductive. I encountered a trans woman on one of my walks and my cousin is a trans male. These trans people are fed up with the intolerance of others and argue that some trans children are encouraged to commit suicide because of it. They are dissatisfied with democrats and republicans because neither of them appreciate the complexity of the issue and they are just doing what they think is good. I can relate to trans people through autism. People often assumed ill motives because of my abnormal behavior. The suicide rates in autism are also very high (granted I googled the statistics.). In any case I never felt like I belonged in my community and some people could be driven to suicide because of the prejudice of our community. The common factor between transgenderism and autism is the negative reaction toward mental abnormalities. Abnormal does not mean bad, just different from normal. At Kroger I have a co-worker who was a victim of predatory loaning when she tried to go to college to learn about criminal justice. She lost all of her credits when the school was shut down and she was left with all of the debt. This student loan debt is unfair and I think it should be completely forgiven if a college gets shuts down for predatory loaning and you lose all of your credits. I ran into some Mormons and atheists. The Mormons asked me on multiple occasions if I would convert. I declined every time because religion is a paradigm lock which can prevent me from seeing the world from various angles. I don't want to limit myself to one way of thinking. As for the atheists, they argued that religion was superstition and none of it was based in reality. I told the atheist about what I read in the bible about Christian rituals and he thought it was insane. I also ran into a non-relgious spiritual person who thinks that we know through not knowing. This is the guy I am drawn to the most. He had an abusive girlfriend and my mom had an abusive boyfriend. Most people in this area obeyed the mask mandates. There were a few people who refused to comply when my job was to ensure that everyone wore a mask. Nobody was belligerent, they just ignored me. I also saw a lot of Trump propaganda because of the Trump train outside my Kroger store. The state of Ohio when to trump during the election although I voted for Biden. I asked some trump supporters why they liked him and they said it was because of the economy. They argued that Bernie Sanders wanted to put us in communes. My grandma is a Trump supporter who thinks Biden ruins everything. She is anti-trans because God created adam and eve. She also doesn't like gay people and she is racist. There is also a lot of construction going on constantly. The streets and sidewalks are torn up a lot and rebuilt. There are some new buildings being put in place, and electric poles being replaced. My family often argues about racism, abortion, and other issues. I do research into these topics and I discovered arguments that both sides in my family often overlook. I am interested in political discussions when they are educational, but they quickly devolve into emotional games of manipulation and lying. I suspect my mother used the n word to intentionally provoke people. I prefer listening more than speaking when there is something of value being said. My second grandma is much more conscious than my first grandma and my mom. Most of the issues are beyond my control, but there are a few things I can do like convince people not to commit suicide, fact check the fake news people fall for, educate myself on the discussions people have, and more. This is what is going on in my community from experience rather than just need and research. I probably forgot something, but it is a start.

What is considered Haram in Islam ? 29. Committing suicide (4: 29) Nor kill yourselves, for verily Allah has been to you most Merciful. If any do that in rancour and injustice soon shall we cast them into the fire, and easy it is for Allah. If you but eschew the most heinous of the things which you are forbidden to do, we shall expel out of you all the evil in you. Q My servant took his Iife by himself, thus I forbid Paradise on him. Q He who stabs himself with a dagger, shall hold it at the Day of Judgement stabbing himself for ever in Hell-fire. And he who poison himself shall sip this poison in the Hell-Fire forever. Cursing a believer is like killing him, and he who slanders a believer with shirk is his killer. and he who kills himself with something will be tortures with that thing forever at the Day of Judgement.

My suicide is inevitable, I've been thinking. Was thinking, am thinking, will thinking, whatever. Who knows what will happen. Perhaps I can keep my eyes open and be with the grief, madness and low. Aaaahhhhh. Bah Humbug. Blah. I can do this

https://apnews.com/article/john-mcafee-dead-spain-prison-extradition-c39cc0f375a975946fb83b60cc2bf3d3 He allegedly committed suicide in a Spanish prison after recently being sentenced to be extradited to the U.S. He was potentially facing the rest of his life in prison. Weirdly, I've stumbled upon some supposed John McAfee fans/conspiracy nuts denying that it was suicide and trying to paint him as a martyr. Their proof: McAfee's own paranoid tweets warning that U.S. officials are out to "whack" him and that he would never kill himself. Guess he was also taking lessons from the Trump guidebook to getting people to buy your lunacy.

If he likes to read, have him read this book. It is a good way (in a fictional story) to talk him out of suicide without making him feel guilty.

Hi all, I'm not sure who to come to about this as I feel it is a unique situation. I'll preface this by being upfront in saying I'm not sure I'm 100% anti-suicide. I think life goes on, and maybe it's actually part of people's path, something themselves and those affected were meant to experience and learn from. From experience, I think allowing people the space to fully go into this feeling can provide tremendous growth that may be hindered by the knee-jerk reaction of most people to freak out and just tell people to "get help", to get institutionalized, medicated.. societal tendencies to be terrified of death, to not want to be responsible for another's death, leading to many living half-lives and not fully facing their demons. That said, I think it's a tragic waste of conscious life, and I really fucking don't want my brother to kill himself. My brother, 45 y/o, has been battling severe Lyme disease for the past 20 years. It went untreated too long and he feels his entire jaw/cheekbones/sinuses are infected beyond any treatment, as he's tried just about everything. He has to sauna for 2 hrs daily to get the toxins the bacteria produce out or the pain is unbearable. I know this sounds like not a huge time sink or price to pay for living, but it's become hell for him. I've tried to make him see that suffering can be a result primarily of the stories the mind makes, encouraged him to pursue meditation more, but it's hard to do without invalidating his experience. Maybe I should be blunter and direct but nobody else in the family has much compassion for him or even believes he's as sick as he claims to be. He has been living with my parents and feels guilty about being a weight on them, but is also just mentally exhausted and depressed from this journey. Only this year has he stopped the endless, taxing attempts at curing the Lyme. He has concurrently developed himself spiritually as much of his healing attempts have purified/evolved his energy body, and been going into some deep "game" with reality/energies where he feels he is given sort of clues by the universe and feels he is sort of "building" something for the afterlife. He won't go into details with me as he thinks it would spoil it for me if I end up getting into the same thing. I don't think he's crazy but I do wonder whether during his darker times he got connected with some weird/trickster energies that could be taking him for a ride (He mentioned knowing someone who seemed to be going through the same thing but then seemed to go insane and dropped contact with everyone). He is an incredibly intelligent guy and sees the world/symbols/data differently than anyone I've seen, so it's not surprising that he thinks he's on the brink of "winning the game" of reality even though he also sees the foolishness in that concept. It's very tied up in hopes for a better afterlife/next life. This seems to have given his life purpose up until recently as he feels he has been stuck on something for a few years, and suspects he has hit sort of a karmic limit. I have been trying to convince him to try a change of environment, offered him my apartment, offered to send him to different types of healing centers, but he is resolute that his body is just done, and he wants out. He knows he could perhaps live another 30 painful years but thinks he's unable to work, is unable to get a disability because Lyme isn't recognized for that in Canada, and he just has no hope for any relief of his chronic suffering. "It's not a matter of if, but when", he says as he has no plans of continuing past dementia setting in. He is definitely being a bit selfish about the effect it would have on the family, but my (Christian) mother has also been trying to guilt him out of this idea which is its own form of selfishness and not helpful. Because of this, I've tried to just be someone he feels safe talking to. I've come close to suicide in the past and it was very life-changing to come close and choose not to, so rather than trying to explicitly talk him out of it I've just wanted to help him through it in hopes he would come to the realization on his own that it's not the answer...I feel strongly that it's not the answer for him right now in the bad headspace he's in, but at the same time I can't imagine what he's going through and I honestly can't yet bring myself tell him to toughen up and get through it, let alone commit him to a mainstream medical professional as most of the culture would suggest...I've tried to make him see that maybe it's not an accident that he's experiencing this, that his strength is what allowed him to live this reality and it could be happening for him in a way he doesn't yet see..but he has a more pessimistic view of reality, hardheadedness and plenty of bitterness as well. I have tried to be there for him as much as possible and felt like it was something that would pass if he took a break from the treatments, or thought it was at least years away, but I think he's planning it for within the next few months. He sat down with my dad to tell him his plans, who tried to assure him the money to support him wasn't a problem, but ultimately didn't try to talk him out of it as he has a way of withdrawing just trusting God. This made my mom start telling my whole family how serious it is and he's been even more stressed and overwhelmed by everyone reaching out to him with sympathy and concern. He must fear an intervention or something because he asked me to hold onto something for him for a week...it's a container full of hydromorphone..I suspected he was already equipped, and now I feel I'm actually very responsible for his life. Yet I don't know how where the line is...he would easily get more from the dark web if I didn't give it back to him...but I honestly don't know how I could give it back to him. I also don't know if I could use it to get him committed somewhere, that sounds like the cruelest thing I could do. Is there some facility that's actually really nice and understanding, that has a sauna and professional counselors who are somewhat "woke", not just clinging to life, trying to keep people alive at all costs even if suffering? Is there anything else I can do?

Holism & Holistic Thinking - Part 1 "When we try to pick out anything by itself we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe." --John Muir What is holism? "The theory that parts of a whole are in intimate interconnection, such that they cannot exist independently of the whole, or cannot be understood without reference to the whole, which is thus regarded as greater than the sum of its parts." --Oxford Dictionary Key: Irreducibility. What really matters is the relationships between the objects and not the objects themselves. Holism is the opposite of reductionism or atomism. (Treating nature as just a collection of discrete individual objects.) Reductionism is an implicit part of the materialistic paradigm. (The idea that the universe is real, material, objective, external, and doesn't depend upon the mind. Boiling everything down to something like atoms, so to understand a frog we take it out of its territory and study its blended-up parts under a microscope.) This is not how to understand reality, because so much is missed, this unholistic way of thinking leads to many dysfunctions and pathologies. If you believe you can, it's an implicit part of your epistemology and metaphysics you're sneaking in without validation or proof. Episode: Deconstructing The Myth Of Science - Part 1, 2, 3 The frog will behave differently in the lab than in its natural habitat. Scientists underestimate the entanglement problem between the scientist and what is being studied. Your understanding of what the frog is really is in your mind and not existing out there. There are different gradations of science. Lower and higher quality science. It's easier and cheaper to study a frog in a lab compared to going to its territory. School, academia, science, business, healthcare, government all have a bias towards analysis and division. Your mind can be very divisive or it can be used in a more unitive fashion, synthesizing and unifying things. This is deemphasized in our institutions. Often we're using analysis to achieve a certain survival result. This leads to a lot of narrow specialists in the world with lots of technical expertise. High technical expertise but very little wisdom. One of the features of wisdom is that it's holistic. Key lesson: Start to see how important holism is and how little it is stressed in most institutions and areas within society. Why is holism so important? Examples: Pharmaceutical companies thinking unholistically while trying to find medicines for curing one disease and not paying attention to all the possible side effects on the body and mind because the CEO says it's all about driving up the stock prices of the company and that it's not his concern but the therapists. Compartmentalizing the problem, treating it as though it's not your problem. Also, the way we market and push the drug so hard through TV ads so that people who don't even need the drug end up getting prescribed it, get addicted, depressed, and shoots up the school of the daughter of the CEO. In a sense, everything is your problem. Holistic thinking requires much more taking much more responsibility for all of your actions and all of the secondary and tertiary consequences. Disney buying Star Wars from Lukas just to make money from it and no nice overarching vision or conclusions. Why? Because they didn't have a holistic approach to this problem. The visionary brings to a project this overarching holistic sense of direction, of what they're doing, of vision. Notice how various forms of entertainment have fallen prey to this. The people who take over reducing the whole thing down by slapping some things together and hoping it will just work out. By reducing Star Wars like that you're reducing something that's greater than the sum of its parts. Chess. In a sense chess is a battle for the most holistic understanding and intuition. The most beautiful chess games are those where some great sacrifice is made to come back later for the win. People who are unholistic paint themselves into a corner easily. In chess it's called a fool's mate, you think you're going to win, but it was just a lure and you lacked the holistic understanding. Master equations that explain all of life: (34:55) Contemplate these two for years, it'll keep paying off. Holism = wholeness = health = healing = Unity = Oneness = infinity = harmony, balance = Goodness = Love = God = Selflessness = wisdom = Beauty = holy = heaven = bliss = peace = happiness Lack of holism = division = fragmentation = partiality = brokenness = lack of harmony, imbalance = limitation = finite = selfishness = ugly = evil = hell = suffering Consciousness can have various levels of holism to it. From infinitely unholistic, fragmented, and divided to infinitely unified and everything in between. And depending on where you are on this scale is going to be the quality of your life and how beautiful and holy life seems to you as an individual. Collectively, as a species, the more unified we are, the more holistic we are the more beautiful our societies will be. The more beautiful our cities will be, the less war we'll have, the more peace we'll have. Peace through unification. "Unification needs to happen at all holons, higher and higher, until we reach an infinite unity. This is what human history has been about for the last 10.000 years." First as tribes, then as city-states, then as nations, now we're starting to unify as the globe, which is meeting a lot of resistance. "The reality is that anything short of infinite unity is going to lead to suffering, ugliness, and limitation. The whole point of spiritual work is to let go of all your partialities, all of your divisions, which means becoming more selfless, the most difficult thing to do, and when you become completely selfless then you realize that you're God. (Infinitely selfless consciousness) And the reason you don't realize you're God right now is because you're in a divided, highly fragmented, highly partial sense of consciousness. You think you're a little human, that's separate from the universe, humans, animals, planets, and solar systems. ...This is how to heal the world and how to heal yourself." Your ego is not fully unified, it's fragmented. One day you're all gung ho about meditating, self-actualizing, eating healthy, and going to the gym. The next day you're lazy, you don't go to the gym, and eat a bucket of ice cream, and don't want to self-actualize. (Ego-backlash) "Harmonize the situation instead of shaming and guilting yourself, further fragmenting." How do you fix this? With love. Love is that which can understand, and recognize and accept, integrate through acceptance, through a higher understanding. How To Forgive Anyone Who Hurt You (56:20) The essence of shadow work: "Recognizing parts of reality that you've disowned by expanding your consciousness, a more holistic understanding of that situation, and then incorporating it, integrating it, loving it, accepting it, unifying it until there's no shadow." God is that which has no shadow because it's infinitely conscious of itself. No more warring with yourself and warring with others. You recognize it's the same thing. The higher your consciousness goes, the more unity you experience, the more blissful your life will be, the more loving you will be with others in your life and with yourself, the more you will accept yourself the happier you will be. And if you take this far enough your consciousness becomes infinitely unified you will experience heaven, paradise. What is hell? The absence of love. "Unholistic thinking creates duality and division, that's the problem." Examples: "Facts don't care about your feelings." -Ben Shapiro Your facts are very much influenced by your feelings. It's like severing your head from your heart. A lot of who you are is in your body, not just in your head. A lot of emotions and trauma are carried in the body. It's usually your emotions and wounds that drive you deeply subconsciously. And then you don't take care of those issues in your body, it creates pathology. It's part of the materialistic paradigm and our education system. Techniques: Yogic practices, Shamanic Breathing, Bioenergetics. Popular duality in politics is "the globalist elite vs the ordinary little people". There's not that much difference psychologically between elites and regular folk. Most elites are more educated, have more consciousness, and are more developed and loving people than regular folk. There are definitely deep corruptions within the elites themselves. But no matter how much corruption you see in the elites, the corruption in the lower classes is way worse than in the elites. That's the key mistake that many Trumpists, and supporters of Trump and right-wing populism make. This is analogous to the problem that happened with Hitler. His whole spiel was that we wanted to take over Germany from the globalist elites on behalf of the regular folk, that was his whole appeal. Trump is better than Hitler, but there are deep analogies. And there's a lot of foolishness to go around on both sides the right-wing and the left-wing. Criminals vs the good guys, the upstanding. Demonizing and hating criminals and not treating them humanely creates a shadow. This increases recidivism rates and makes them become more criminal, especially in the US- In Scandinavian Nordic countries they get much better results. Much more humane prison systems. Rehabilitation rather than punishment. To want to rehabilitate them you have to see the criminal as not separate from you. If we're holistic and even-minded in the way we see things most of us are criminals in one way or another. The criminal elements of society are literally just parts of your own psyche as God. Duality between science and spirituality. In our universities, anything spiritual is seen as anti-scientific and it's really not allowed within them. Treated as a joke, unscientific, lack of rigor, lack of truthfulness. And conversely, in many spiritual circles rationality, thinking, and testing own theories is ignored. Both camps suffer for that. For science to fully flourish and to really understand reality at the deepest level it needs spiritual insight, from meditation, yoga, etc. It needs to consider deep metaphysical issues which are at the heart of science, which spirituality can shed a powerful light on. The mind-body problem can be resolved through spirituality but cannot be resolved through materialistic science. And spirituality needs a lot more science behind it. Through rigorous research into psychedelics, yoga, and meditation techniques. "Unholistic thinking creates conflict, fights, violence, war, racism, genocide, slavery, exploitation and even civilizational collapse can occur from this. Whereas holism interconnects everything and tells you what is important and what is meaningful in life." "One of the consequences of this materialistic, reductionistic attitude or paradigm that has been adopted by our culture in the West over the last hundred years especially, through the 20th century and still through today, is that it has tried to demystify nature too much. And in so doing it has stripped life of its meaning or its spirit." This makes you lose sight of the highest most important thing which is holism, unity, and love. Your spiritual connection to life, not just through your head, but also through your body, and through your emotional system, intuition, and your feminine side. We've had this schism between the masculine and the feminine. You're not a whole person this way." The essence of wisdom is that keen discernment and prioritizing the higher over the lower. The foolishness of our current society is that we've actually prioritized the lower over the higher. Technology, materialism, money, and pleasure and hedonism and raw data, and facts, and information above everything else. Example: You'll get dismissed going into a university saying that love is the most important thing to study. To do good science you actually have to be able to feel into reality with great sensitivity and mindfulness. The solution is not to go back to religion but to find the next level of synthesis and holism which start to integrate the best from religion and the best from science, a higher synthesis of those two. Without holism your life becomes petty, mechanical, utilitarian, demystified, and dysfunctional, you lose your connection to life, hence the epidemics of depression, suicide, and opioid addiction. When you rob people of their spiritual connection they just become zombies and robots and then they kill themselves if they're not able to get the sort of success they see people getting on TV. You literally feel disconnected and alienated from people, society, nature, animals, Spirit, Goodness, the Self, Love, and God. What you want most of all is you want to feel infinitely connected to everything. That's Love. "Everything we seek in any domain of life is wholeness and unity." In religion, we'll have to do the counterintuitive of being selfless and surrendering our attachments and beliefs in for example Christ as being the one true savior or Mohammed being the last prophet. To then create the true religion that loves all the other religions. That would heal the world at the plain of religion. In business, every business seeks to be a monopoly. To achieve a healthier unity within business we'd have to recognize that it's healthy for us to have business competition, and to have different sectors controlled by different companies and that we shouldn't be buying up and using various kinds of anti-trust method to collude and then to squeeze our competitors out of the marketplace. We want a healthy economy which has many different companies of different sizes, that creates more innovation, that will actually help to create a better economy for more people, better wages, more inventions and it'll benefit everybody this way. To do that you'd have to think more holistically. Every family seeks wholeness and unity which requires more holism. Science is trying to achieve unity and wholeness. Science wants to understand everything, a theory of everything, but it thinks that it can do that through the methods of science without realizing that it can't because science is not everything. It's self-defeating. Similarly, in Mathematics, mathematicians want to try to understand reality only as numbers. Without realizing that they're just projecting numbers onto reality. You can understand a lot about nature through math, it's been very effective, but it only gets you so far. Science deeply suffers from this, because current science and academia don't consider a thing true unless it can be quantified and put into an equation which is called formalization. This is extremely unholistic, reductionistic, myopic, and leaves out the most important aspects of reality. For example, you can't quantify Love and Infinity, which is what reality is. You can only quantify the finite not the infinite. Infinity is not a math thing, it's all of reality, of which math is just one subset. In Geopolitics people seek wholeness and unity. Less healthy way: Seeking unity by dominating other countries or by exterminating other countries and races and people. Healthy Geopolitics: Unity through peace, alliances, and mutual agreements. By respecting each other's boundaries and differences and we don't try to dominate everybody else, trying to create a global empire, and trying to put our own country above all the other countries. This is part of the pathology of the Trump policy of America first. It ends up boomeranging and creating the opposite effect. Americans are only one-tenth of the whole planet. The other nine-tenths will just organize themselves into a more selfless alliance that will ultimately be stronger than America which will then wither away. That's what America first would get you effectively if it would have continued for 50 more years. This is the short-sightedness of selfishness. Unity is sought in relationships. As well as in health. Language seeks unity. There's a unification force within currency as well. This is evolution and life. Unity and division in an infinite fractal all the way up and down the different levels of the holoarchy. Episodes: Division vs Unity & Understanding Duality 1, 2 & especially 3 Reductionism is easily exploited by devils. It's very easy to be selfish by deliberately limiting the scope of your holistic understanding to something very small and narrow. A classic strategy. Using our minds to carve up reality into tiny parts makes it easy for nobody to take responsibility for all the parts. This leads to pathologies in science creating a fractured view of nature. Spirituality expands that little circle of concern until it becomes infinite and then everything is your problem and responsibility. Many people vote on a single issue that they're been fearmongered about. (abortion, guns, etc) To have a well-functioning democracy we need citizens that are so holistic that they care about the well-being and health of the entire country and even the entire world. Immune against manipulation by devils on single narrow issues. A single issue is not as important as all the issues. This requires more empathy, an expanding circle of concern as well as becoming more selfless. The devil, any deeply selfish organism, creates a very narrow circle of concern within infinite consciousness and then defends that to death. Most humans create these gross externalities without being conscious of, taking responsibility for, the collateral damage they cause creating a toxic commons for everybody to swim in. Leadership is nothing other than selflessness, it's one of the most important factors. Bad leadership is extreme selfishness and narcissism a la Hitler or Trump. Self-bias privileges one part of the universe at the expense of another. Episode: Self-bias "Recognize that your mind carves up reality not arbitrarily and not in accordance with the truth but in whichever way serves your ego best. This is the antithesis of holism. The reason most people aren't holistic is simply because they're too selfish." Understanding recontextualization Another problem with lack of holism is that narrow expertise is vulnerable to recontextualization. A set of facts without its context doesn't mean very much and when you have an unholistic perspective on the universe whatever facts you have are always vulnerable to a radical recontextualization. Science grossly underestimates this problem. A robust and solid science needs to be immune to radical recontextualization. And then the only way to be immune is by expanding your context until it's infinite. This means your field has to be the entirety of the universe as a whole. The more big picture you have the less detail you have and the more detail you have the less big picture understanding. Like zooming in or out of the Earth. Holism is zooming out. The power of the ultimate holism is that you zoom out so far that you grasp the whole thing even though you don't understand all the details. In a sense that's omniscience. There are two ways to use your thoughts: to divide reality or unity reality. We in our education and culture are biased towards divisive type of thinking. Which kind of thought do you use most of the time? Which type of thinking leads to more peace and which leads to more conflict and war? Which one do you want? All thought is fundamentally dualistic and incomplete, even unitive thinking. You can't use the part to grasp the whole and yet still there are degrees of quality to thought, not all thought is equally good. Incrementally increase the quality of your thinking, making it more holistic, integrative, and unitive, without surrendering your ability to do analysis. And then eventually your holism gets so high that you recognize that even thought itself is too limited and too unholistic to transcend thought itself. The highest holism doesn't occur within thought it occurs within consciousness. The highest holism is infinite consciousness which is beyond thinking. But thinking is still important! The more holistic your understanding the better you can manipulate systems towards health and the highest good without them boomeranging on you. We can't create a healthy society without thinking and holistic understanding of the systems we're dealing with. Holistic thinking can foresee the counter-intuitive twists and turns that reality takes. Libertarians don't understand that their cry for absolute freedom boomerangs on itself. Freedom, as humans desire it, has to be delicately balanced and harmonized with restrictions and regulations to ensure that your freedom doesn't turn into enslavement. Complex problems require holistic solutions. Holism generates more robust solutions than otherwise. Why is the highest intelligence holistic? Intelligence can be thought of as holistic pattern recognition leading to insight. It's intuition, the ability to interconnect dots and to see the whole picture of a situation. Inherent features of the highest intelligence: Ability to deeply see the context. Ability to go meta and to transcend. Ability to self-reflect. Ability to take on multiple perspectives and higher perspectives. Ability to be unbiased and selfless. Equal concern for all levels of the holarchy. As you contemplate for yourself what intelligence is and as you're experiencing higher levels of intelligence contemplate: "Why are these things the case & why are they important to the highest intelligence"? Psychedelics are awesome because they change the neurotransmitters, upgrade them, to ones that offer more interconnections. Interconnecting together more of your mind. To the point where ultimately the interconnections become infinitely dense. Every corner of the universe interconnects with itself infinitely such that this circle becomes a completely solid, glowing, white orb of pure interconnectedness. = God = Love = Intelligence = Beauty = Infinity = Eternity = the Self, your true highest Self. At this level of interconnectedness and holism the boundaries and physical divisions of everything in the universe collapse. All is equally you without any bias or partiality or favoritism. That's the godhead, infinite consciousness, complete awakening to yourself as God. And this complete interconnectedness goes on forever, it's an infinite well of Love that you keep falling deeper and deeper into and it becomes more and more interconnected forever. Why is holism so rare? Costs to holism: You can't break holism down into bite-sized chunks very easily, it requires putting a lot of pieces together and holding them in your mind at once. Actualized episodes are long because they're trying to bring them all together. This is mentally overwhelming. As a devil, you make life easier by not taking responsibility. It requires selflessness. As a selfish needy person, it's hard to be concerned about anything very far beyond yourself. Holism requires a transcendence of one's survival, one's biases. Because at the highest holism you are completely unbiased, consciousness is completely unbiased. No difference between you getting raped, tortured, or getting a birthday cake. Understandably very threatening to the ego. Holism requires surrendering yourself until ultimately you surrender yourself so deeply that there's nothing left to surrender. That would be going all the way. But even increasing your holism still requires surrendering something. This would be the selfless life, surrendering everything else important in your life, the money, sex, drugs, business, career, house, and children. The only thing that matters to you being to be completely unbiased in how you see yourself. That would be true selflessness and it would lead to the ultimate Love. The reason you can't love everybody and everything is that you're so partial, always judging everything good or bad because your self needs to survive as that little thing that it is. "And as you surrender more of yourself, the distortions that obscure your vision of yourself and reality, fall away, the fog clears, the clouds clear, and what you see is you approach closer and closer to Truth. And at that moment when you completely surrender every single bias you have and every single personal preference for good and evil, and you completely surrender yourself, at that moment you die, and you become the truth. And Truth is complete selflessness, Love, God. That's God-realization. The cost is all of your selfishness." You don't select to be selfless because it's going to do something good for you, you select to be selfless because you want to be selfless and that is its own reward. That is the highest wisdom, to see that. It's the most counter-intuitive thing about the universe, the decision to become selfless. Because everything in your body and mind is screaming for you to become more selfish.

You know how people interpret this "raise your consciousness"-jargon ??? They think "Oh so I have to become smarter, read more, study more, meditate more, become a better meditator, become a better psychedelic explorer, take more psychedelics, go to more retreats etc." ... you think they ever awaken by doing this? Some do perhaps, out of sheer luck, or out of a deep desire for truth, or most likely because of deep suffering (which makes luck favor you, or/and which makes your desire for truth higher). But 95%+ of your followers will never wake up watching your videos, taking psychedelics, desperately trying 'to raise their consciousness'. The mind has to be dropped. That's all that has to happen. But it takes Love, not 'raising your consciousness'. You are your own trap Leo. Bless ya. "... And this is one of the mysteries, that the mind can speak, and knows nothing; and the heart knows everything, and cannot speak. Perhaps to know too much makes it difficult to speak; the mind knows so little, it is possible for it to speak." - Osho How much have you suffered, Leo? In the your whole life. How close have you been to suicide, like Eckart Tolle, for instance. Without enough painful suffering, their is no real carrot for God to fully wake up from sleep/His slumber. << Selfishness/ignorance/being-asleep/devilry/drinking "Life's bottle of wine" (taking pyschedelics often for instance) // "trying to be good" // "trying to always raise one's consciousness" >> is very fun and exciting, and almost nobody (no of God's dream-characters) seem to want to fully let go of it (let go of ego) in order to wake (fully) up. Self-deception 101, say you're doing things out of charity and love, when really, you're acting from a place of ignorance, sleep and selfishness. Maybe the video "Why God forgives all Evil" was a video you made to yourself to justify being asleep a little longer? :-D “If you get the message, hang up the phone. For psychedelic drugs are simply instruments, like microscopes, telescopes, and telephones. The biologist does not sit with eye permanently glued to the microscope, he goes away and works on what he has seen." - Alan Watts The biggest most mind-bending and wild and crazy trip (for me right now) is Life itself. Smoking DMT has (almost, not quite) become boring.

You are speaking from the absolute perspective now, which often isn't very helpful for the person (soul hidden behind ego) who wants to awaken:D No, actually, oh enlightened 1, you are conflating the absolute with the relative now. From the abolute perspective, 'Reality' (Oneness, God, Consciousness, Love, Absolute Infinity) is neutral. 100% neutral. It is neither beautiful, perfect or terrifying. It is Love. It is Infinite. Which is neutral. 10000000% neutral.;-) God is all things, but also no things. This cannot be understood with mind. Mind has to be dropped to 'get it'. Because in actuality, it isn't something to 'get'... It's just beliefs/survival-programming/'mind' (ego) that has to be dropped. Totally dropped. Transcended. Let go. Accept. Surrender. If you don't have deep desire for truth, you won't get it. Ever, never. Simple as that. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, your conflation.:D Well, from the absolute perspective, yes, God is everything (and nothing). Indeed. But totally, simply, absolutely (even relatively) and down to earth: Reality is Reality is God is God is Consciousness is Consciousness is Love is Love. PERIOD. AND IT IS NEUTRAL. IT IS EVERYTHING & NOTHING. PERIOD. ( ;D;D;D<3 I FUCKING WIN <3 ) But it is ego to say "Oh, how terrible, I realized I'm completly alone as God" . ... Just purely down to earth, relatively speaking, this is the ego speaking. It's the soul (God) speaking through a yet-not-transcended-ego. When the ego is fully transcended, there is no need to write silly things on a internet forum about how terrible or lonely it is. Because it isn't lonely. It isn't terrible. It's everything & nothing. So everytime you say it's "x or y" or say it's not "z or c" you are speaking from ego. That's why the most enlightned ones don't speak of it. It's pointless to speak of. Either they: - commit mahasamadhi (conscious suicide, which is "easy" when you are fully conscious; you just stop breathing, no biggie), - or they sit meditating all life, away from society - or they go and participate FULLY in life without talking about spiritual ego-concepts such as 'God', 'Love' or 'Consciousness' (they could speak about these things, but then they do it in a practical way to help people to awaken, not in the way Leo (& others on this forum, including me) are doing it with some of this silly totally-stuck-in-concepts-self-masturbation videos/talk ((("Why God forgives all Evil" -- roflmao what a waste of 2 hours to watch this crap ... ;D btw im half joking, chillax mods, don't ban me:D))). When you are fully conscious, there is zero difference between Hitler and Jesus. Zero. It's all just God/Consciousness/Love. Zero. Zero. Zero. Oneness. That is what it is. To say "Hitler and Jesus are One, Identical, Zero Difference" is a good funny line to drop to people to see how they react. If they smile back at you or just blink with the eyes, you know their ego is probably very transcended. If they agree with you but start saying meaningless words to put more concepts onto it to justify it, well their ego is somewhat transcended, but still very present. If they disagree with you, they are pretty much asleep. If they, like my mom, start calling 911 to get you hospitalized, they are very much asleep. If they start discussing why either Hitler or Jesus were superior, they are totally asleep. Btw, sure, relatively speaking, I'd much rather be Jesus than Hitler. And sure, relatively speaking, Jesus were much more awake than Hitler. But, absolutely speaking, they are One and The Same Thing: God. Consciousness. Love. Oh, I'm jerking off now as I'm writing this. Self-deception, spiritual ego, 101, telling others that you know you have a spiritual ego, to in that way raise your spiritual ego even higher. (One-upmanship. You can never not play - ... or can you?) It's probably best, ego-transcendence-wise, to just leave this forum for good and go either commit mahamasadhi, meditate 24/7 or ACTUALLY PARTICIPATE IN LIFE! :DD So many people on this forum, including Leo x 1000000, me x100, Someone herex99999999999 are so stuck in the Enneagram type-5-trap of "Replacing Direct Exp with Concepts" . The most obvious way they are this is when they deny it. "Oh I'm not, I'm very much aware of the distinction between direct exp and concepts and I am living life" ... then 1 week later shoots a 3 hour video explaining in great detail "Why God Forgives all Evil." You're a very, very funny man @Leo Gura. I love you, you've given me so much through your videos. It's inspiring, but you're also a trap. Your own trap. True. But after that it becomes neutral. It's only radical and tears-incuding, scream-inducing, flooring, when there is still ego left. When the ego is fully transcended, it becomes ordinary (yet still magical of course, but you don't have to cry, or scream or talk about it anymore). Love ya all <3

Edited: After some deeper reflection, I am modifying my original post be more open and accommodating. This will be a master thread of sorts for dealing with the fallout of recent events, specifically focused on clarifying and discussing the nature of my work and Actualized.org as a whole. This community and my followers are going to go through a self-sorting. Whatever grievances you have with my teachings, express it here. If you believe my work has ever promoted suicide, you should leave this forum because you fundamentally misunderstand my work and we will not get along. If you have a problem with psychedelics, if you believe psychedelics are bad, wrong, dangerous, untruthful, and not genuine awakening, you should also leave this forum because we have a fundamental disagreement that I will not be arguing with you about. My work and research is deeply intertwined with psychedelics. If you don't like that, then simply find a community or teacher who does the classic path. In general, feel free to vent whatever grievances you have with me personally, or with my work. Whatever you don't like or disagree with. Lay all your cards out on the table so that we clear the air. This is necessary to create a non-toxic community going forward which is not constantly at war with itself. The general rule is this: don't waste your time and energy on things you do not align with. Think carefully whether this community aligns with your values, and if it doesn't, just let it go and move on to things that align with you.

It is sufficient to say there was absolutely no place for anything Muslim or Islamic in my family at any point in time throughout my life. And my mom would not discuss anything Muslim. To the point that she said that Muslims were never allowed in my maternal Grandmother's home in my mom's native village. And a girl who fell in love and married a Muslim man, she was boycotted by my grandmother's village. I was born and raised in a city so the taboo in a city is not so much. There is more tolerance for Muslims in city areas Marrying a Muslim was considered equal to suicide in my grandmother's village.

Sorry I only have very little direct experience with BPD, and I have heard very little about it. Sorry if my reflection is likely off-base. This is simply a reflection. 6 years is a long time that you overlooked the ‘negative signs’ in the relationship—presumably in excellent faith—and sounds like you said something about ‘the rest of your life.’ That’s a big deal. Now you are questioning your trust—I notice you did not say that you doubt your Partner or the substantial disorder of her thought, perception, memory, or mood that grossly impairs her capacity, judgment, behaviour, or ability meet the ordinary demands of life. You don’t distrust the disease (which has been well-treated in some very severe instances—maybe taking 2 years of non-stop in a psych ward for paranoid delusions to really pass?): you don’t trust yourself. I’m sorry to hear about the suicide attempt. I can’t imagine how that exp might have threatened your own life-of-love (the woman who fills your life), disturbed you, or generated doubts about your goodness for her. Never mind the effect that leaving her might have on her; You are not asking, “will it hurt her if I leave her? Will she kill herself as a result of me abandoning her, especially at in this vulnerable moment of sickness?” You are asking if your being-with-her is good for her or for you. That you might not be good enough—to be loyal through the difficulties AND the easy times? Wait—you see a very reasonable path out of any aspects of the relationship you profoundly didn’t want, and toward things you always needed and wanted—and the good people around here are, saying, ‘Leave her if she’s having paranoid delusions,’ or ‘leave her if X Y or Z.’ Consider the wisdom in what they’re saying. They are going out on a serious limb and telling you to cut…her…off…from your goodness. She’s draining you, isn’t she? Surely, when she said, “I love you,” you did not think she meant, “…and I would kill the person you love most.” Just listen to what the other people are saying! They are eloquently elucidating a reasonable escape—not only can you tell yourself that the escape makes sense, because there is a rational continuity of your inner sense-making, needs, and authentic desires—but you have a pretty darn good crack at convincing other people that the separation makes sense—if not categorically, at least by virtue of the fact that you will have moved on from her years from now, and living a great life. But if you do not leave— “a never-ending rabbit hole of codependency, pain, and falsehood.” ‘I should have, would have, could have left her years ago!’ But you hardly have to mention it—you do love her, and you absolutely do not want to break up: So you doubt…your love. Pause—you left something out. You left out how you ‘shouldn’t have, couldn’t have, would not have broken up with her,’ right? You did not mention the sincerity of your love for her in the past—and the perhaps twisted and immature logic of a love more simple and pure. You felt a love that despises, “Would not, could not, should not!” So what, if she was messed up? She was freaking hot and beautiful and amazing—Why not throw away your heart with reckless abandon? Love is simple, right? Love is pure. ‘Love believes all things, hopes all things. Love never ends.’ You don’t trust your love because—you failed to mention—you already trusted love once—and see where it brought you? Love brought you here, my friend—to the precipice of the death of love (and perhaps to a journey beyond the death—that God loves no matter what). Let me tell you some brutal “advice” I heard that St John of the Cross, in the Dark night of the Soul, allegedly provided in some context or other. ’Discern the spirits. Do not make a decision in a state of desolation, but decide in peace—you made a decision in clarity, peace and joy. So Don’t change your life course in desolation.’ Yeah—I’m not saying it is good advice. I’m just citing it. So, let’s try applying this alleged advice: you made a choice to give your heart to your GF in a moment of simple and genuine love—come what may. And, in the depth of your choice of life-with-her, you overlooked a thousand red flags. Things became more and more desolate until…bleak suicide. Now do you abandon your pure love? Look my friend. I’m an N of one. If you want to know what I did—I kept going with the difficult situation beyond the point of no return, as things became more and more depressing. I hate to say it but I…got something out of continuing to live. And when I finally betrayed my path—I faced unexpectedly-real social exclusion, depression, and a loss of faith. I became what I secretly condemned in my heart. I did not condemn others—I condemned myself. I got a 7 to 14 year-sentence of moral distress. Sorry, my dear beloved St John of the Cross. I finally made a decision in bleak depression beyond years of tears. Maybe my analysis was wrong. Maybe I heard the advice wrong. Maybe the feelings of unease were supposed to be a new sign? Or, maybe I really failed in my highest calling in this existence. Now I will lick my wounds and get up—just some guy who used to love, or maybe I’m some guy who is more amazing and weird than I ever could have been. Maybe it is our destiny to delight in guilt. No one is going to slap you across the face and say, “DAMNIT MAN! Pull yourself together. You made a commitment.” Wait—actually there are some people who will say that—and you can come up with some bullshit analogy like promising to love an abusive and toxic person. But maybe you should ask those voices where they were when you were struggling with these red flags in the past—and where were they when you were looking for a non-borderline friend? Go back to your sincere love and choice to embrace your GF. Look deeper. You have already made your choices to stay with her. Now you must choose again. What about the excessively wise who died before their time? Plato loved democracy too much—he trusted the majority who said he should drink hemlock—so Plato drank it.

I promise you, there is a new start for you. Your life could be a mess atm, but you get over that, you fix those issues with yourself, you conquer, that's what we do, when we're challenged by life! We don't give up, we prevail! Sometimes stuff feels so personal and it hurts so much that it feels like there is no joy anymore, that the current cloud of shit has filled the sky for good. But that's not the case, there is always a new peak of joy, happiness, bliss and love in front of us, and those things are waiting for you, until you fix the mess. Life has so much more for you. Suicide doesn't fix anything. That's good. Keep talking to your therapist and he will guide you through. You clearly have work to do, but man the feeling after you've conquered those deficiencies and start seeing light, it feels AWESOME!

I’ve watched Leo’s video on survival and I’ve noticed how mechanical I’ve been my entire life. My Mother died when I was a baby, and I’ve been raised by my father and older brother for some time. I think around 8 years old my father got married and I started living with my new stepmother, 4 stepdaughters and a step brother. I think I didn’t take that transition very well. And I felt lonely and felt I didn’t have much control over my life. I think being beveraved at such a young age and being thrown into an different family who I wanted to love tho didn’t really love me back was very traumatizing. That lack of control and mechanical way of trying to get love and approval still drives me to this day. I’ve been in suicidal ideation and asked my Dad and stepmother if my stepsisters knew i was in the hospital. I ask my stepsister Hillary if I can have a completion talk and express my resentments and appreciations and get over my attachment to her and she says no or doesn’t respond. I think of suicide and drive arond thinking of where to commit suicide, and how I should do it. I think that I should get into an accident on purpose in order to get attention from my stepsisters. Seems everything I’ve done in my life was to get attention from my stepsisters. Laying in bed pretending to be a sad miserable lonely person seems to be a way to get attention. I notice the thought that even writing this is mechanical. I’m a mess.

@Shin this is actually fascinating! @MatteO22 just repeated exactly the argument my ex NZ beta guy gave me - that he felt like I loved him with a condition - and he took - in my view purely masculine qualities like providing protection and positive containment for a woman - as condition on my love for him. He told me exactly the same thing - that he wants me to love him unconditionally - and when I asked him how he actually sees that happening? Like if he wants me to love him unconditionally, then how he is going to show his love for me then? To which the reply was - drum roll - that he will simply be... at that point my libido for him committed a suicide ????⚒️?? I really understand where he came from. I had poor self esteem and childhood trauma before too and did not love myself unconditionally. So I really tuned in to his trauma. But the conclusion I made out of this situation is the following. People who truly have high self esteem and unconditionally love themselves, actually do not need anyone to love them unconditionally. Because they already actually give themselves all the unconditional love they need. This is based on my internal feeling. Before I craved someone to love me for who I am, unconditionally. These days, I want to love someone and give them love unconditionally to the best of my ability. But I am also realistic and look at attraction and feminine/masculine polarity realistically. And I understand that every men is different and I need to find a way to show my love in such a way that he feels the most loved - meaning there are certain conditions I nees to keep in mind if I want the most impact. For example, a man whose love language is words of appreciation, will not feel as loved if I say do something for him or give him gifts, he will feel the most loved when I say every day how much I appreciate him. This is simplistic example. It's actually much more complex. But overall my conclusion was that to get a guy to love me - not only there r certain conditions, but also there certain actions and behaviour I have to adopt to make my man to feel happy, fulfilled, loved. So in conclusion I think the best approach is to learn how to give yourself unconditional love and don't demand it from others as this is a position of neediness. When you do that, u will feel so much love ovetflow that it will be so easy to give your love and care to others and understand on a feeling level that if your partner does not love himself unconditionally, most likely it will be impossible for him to love you unconditionally. And last point - women perceive men as a force of nature, creation, innovation and forward action = masculine men image in my mind. Therefore, in my mind, simply being for guys = action. Simply being for females = state of balance, quiet energy. That's why I think it's super hard for a feminine woman to be attracted to a guy who does not equate his being = taking action or how Leo puts it = penetrating the world.

So this is how I really am. I'm not someone who can simply consume behaviors and watch everyone from a distance. Either I'm close to you emotionally or I'm not. My experiences in life shaped me into becoming an emotionally vulnerable and tender person. I am that person who cries in the bathroom but shows up next day to class with a hoodie and sweatshirt on and doesn't say much and carries on quietly, literally carrying a thunderstorm inside. One scratch on my surface and you will see glass inside. Yes I'm made of glass. I break and when I break, hell breaks loose, and I shatter to pieces. I'm an HSP, acronym for highly sensitive person. I have a spatial brain disorder which means I need ample space when I read things and I can't cobble words together or else I end up with spasmodic panic attacks. Therefore you will find my writing with lots of space left out here and there and a lot of irregularities in the way I format text, suddenly leaving large spaces in between or writing too little or too much. This is done because my brain likes it that way and finds it less anxiety provoking. I'm very emotionally chaotic and fragile so if I end up fighting with my boyfriend, I won't get sleep that night, so my best option is to simply sit silent even if I feel like protesting, which gives an unfair advantage to the other party and they begin to dominate my weaknesses.. I'm more prone to abuse than others because of my brain disorders and my lack of ability to "not suck it up." I was born premature, at the 8th month and severely underweight and malnourished to the point that I was placed under intensive care during my first few days and then my parents were informed of my delicate health.. When I walk I stumble a lot, lose balance too often and end up getting into many accidents which again has a lot to do with development delays in the womb. Yet I always tried to be the best kid in class, worked hard to get an A in every subject for a consecutive 10 years in school. I got many awards and honors in school and I was an A student.. I never did smoking, drinking, drugs or any of that shit ever. My first crush was at 19. My first boyfriend was at 21.. My biggest handicap was my rotund family and my environment being extremely toxic always driving me to the edge of suicide... Despite all my setbacks the only thing that drove me ahead was my infinite love for my dad. My dad always wanted me to be the best. When he died, I had promised on his dead body that I would never give up and live an extraordinary life to make myself worthy of his admiration. He was always proud of me. When he died, the last words he spoke were "please take care of yourself" and I will never forget how he was always worried about me and my future.. I just want my dad to know that I'll do fine no matter what. And even if things don't get better, I will still do fine. I'm a self made person. I had everything on my own without any help. I will always be the strongest no matter what. That's what all the struggles made me. They burned in me an incredible resolve to be resilient and not give up.. ..... Like I said I'm a highly sensitive high strung person. It's also my PTSD that makes me extra sensitive. Either I'm energetically bonded to you, in which case you have to be resolutely loyal to me to the point of absurd, since I consider loyalty to be the most prized virtue in a person or you simply have to watch me slide by and slither into my own corner, never to come out again and maintain a facade for the sake of social grace and courtesy When I'm being excessively courteous, you should know that I'm being FAKE. When I never get angry or mad at you, you should know that I am being FAKE. If I got angry or mad or upset at you, it's an instant indicator that I was being real with you. Because my energy is herculean and it changes very rapidly and volcanically and immediately turns in the direction of scorn and anger and utter belligerence. When I'm calm I'm like a bedrock but the moment my emotional tectonic plates are being agitated by your stimulus, they begin to move in a colossal manner causing my emotions to exacerbate and the bedrock erupts and gives way to extreme bouts of volcanic anger and rage triggered by the demons of PTSD. It's like once that point is reached, I will go on a rampage. My ex boyfriend used to call me an elephant because I acted like one.. When I am cute and nice I'm trying my best to get along silently with you. But once I detect that something is amiss and fiddling with my loyalty centers, then bam, I don't forget that thing, just the way elephants always remember all the bad things done to them, I remember all the things you do/did and then I come back for revenge. I initially forgive very easily. But once a threshold is reached, I become a different person altogether and I start my rampage. That's when you know that I am not taking it lying down.. On the surface I might appear as a fleeting flakey light hearted cheerful person but still waters run deep. There's absolutely nothing light hearted about me other than all my social tact and polished behavior. Deep inside I'm an inferno. When the switch is turned on its over. I have a very deep intuitive sense so even if you don't say much, I still understand and catch the drift. I immediately sense if someone is hateful to me, jealous of me or is being inherently malicious. My brain wasn't very developed as a child so the only way I learned to gauge people was to hone my inner intuition.. And my intuition is so sharp, that it hits the target almost 90% of the time. So whether you are right or wrong, upfront or deceptive, I will have you figured either way, without saying much at all.. I might look like I'm simply quiet and down low but I'm very insidious. So if you fuck with my brains, you have basically turned on my volcano switch. The only non hurtful way to fuck my brains out is in the bed. In other areas, if you did fuck with my brain, the consequences are going to be ugly. In a way I'll always remember such things and the people who did those things I forgive but I don't forget. ... One thing that I wanted to be clear about is that I'm not a generic woman. I'm not a generic woman at all. Not even by a long shot. If you thought I was a generic woman, you're mistaken by a million miles. In fact, if I were a generic woman, it would have absolutely benefitted my temperament by a great deal. Which it does not since I'm not generic. I am a very volatile and complicated person. I'm not passive aggressive or hot and cold. I'm just too deep and complex, multi-faceted dynamic and mercurial person. My energy is not only herculean but also mercurial. I concatenate. I rapidly flow through, merge, spill over, cross underneath, wash over, jump through or cut my way through. I can be any person in the moment. This often gives the feeling to the observer that I'm deceptive, manipulative or 2 faced. It's not that. I'm just being very mutable since my main energy is water. I'm extremely unpredictable and yet predictable at the same time. Which means you're right about me 9 times out of 10, but you never know when the tenth time is going to show up in the line. I'm like a mirror. I will become according to your karma. If you have always been good to me, I will reflect it back to you. If you happen to rub me the wrong way, the mirror will show you how it was impacted by your actions. The best way to deal with an elephant personality like mine is to keep at a safe distance from me. If you get too close, I'll snare the way elephants do by flanking out their ears. But if you simply let me be and watch me from a distance, I'll give you one look to make sure and then walk away and go on about my work. .... Since I've been hurt in a sudden unforseen and drastic manner, I will let you have a way to deal with me. Simply keep some distance from me for some time. Can you? I might be ready to talk again and forgive forget and move on, but not right now or right away. I need time. I'm in a Salty state now. And I can't simply snap out of it. You need to be patient with me. Give me time. I need time to reshuffle. I won't be angry at you for the long haul. I only need time to get things sorted out slowly and diligently. I don't hate you. I am just a bit wounded although I realize it wasn't intentioned that way. But it became like a decoy trap and I accidentally happened to walk straight into it and got trapped. So keeping a distance from me might make me feel safer and make me realize that you do sincerely respect my boundaries Thank you. (I need space to gather myself) ... I've been lucid dreaming lately and when I do that I usually imagine talking to a guy. Like an imaginary guy who is a friend of mine talking to me. I often see this guy in my dreams. He has lot of similarities to the man in the show or TV series called Dexter. So I've simply named this dream man Dexter. I usually wake up from the dreams realizing I had a long conversation with Dexter It's usually me giggling throughout the conversation. This has been going on for months now and I often see this guy in my dreams. It's kinda weird. Sometimes I even see a woman next to this man and I've decided to call her Candace. My dreams are usually very vivid almost like I can remember all the details of the conversations in the dreams.

I have a question for you If the ground is nothingness aka no experience whatsoever, no observer, no conciousness, then what makes the nothingness become somethingness. How does it become experience? Try to imagine non existence, if its the ground, how can anything be? Then somehow something makes "non duality" become "duality" I dont think that this pure cessation has anything to do with any ground of existence at all, it is just another experience in a form of a "non experience" Like Leo says, there is also infinite conciousness which is very different from the nothingness of cessation. Which is the one that tells you more about the nature of reality? Perhaps neither, only that conciousness has an infinite range of knowing itself. Here is where buddhism and hinduism often clash, new age buddhism is making a biased claim in that cessation is the most important. To me it feels like a spiritual suicide since sone buddhists just say that the psycho-physical is all that there is, Aka atomists/materialists. If GOD is nothingness etc, why does it become this? Why does it seemingly produce an infinite variety of experiences objects subjects etc. Maybe our ordinarie waking conciousness is the ground of existence? Just a contemplation exercise. Either we are GOD which is eternal/immortal/infinite. But it does feel off that GOD could kill itself with a cessation "forever" it is obviously not the case, I think cessation is a good night sleep sorta thing.

@DreamScape You haven't taken a real good peek into the abyss then. At a certain point in development, or the entirety of it, if your hopes and dreams are constantly squashed; if the people around you ignore and abandon you too much, etc., the very light that others have becomes its own darkness to you. The light is a constant reminder of what you didn't have or can't have. All that's left is void. There are only two options people take here: suicide or making others feel the void you feel constantly. If these types go into the violent direction, what other action is there to take but put them put of their misery (if it's called for). Obviously you don't go out and do that, but if someone starts shooting up a place, you best believe if you have a gun and authority, that is the loving option.

So I have been suffering nonstop for at least 3 or 4 years now and in these last few days I have been able to put my finger on the cause. It is just these two ideas that my subconscious mind is very attached to. It is the idea that I am weak, and that I lack social skills. Just these two thoughts turnes my life into hell. They have been going on and on in my subconscious my mind unchecked and caused me to become what they say. I became weak, creepy and lost all my social life. I am just amazed by how much suffering limiting beliefs can cause. And I considermy self a conscious guy but I was blindsided by these thoughts. But today is a new beginning to me. I decided to let go of these thoughts completely and start working on rehabilitating myself. I have a lot to do actually. I became all the things that I have been working to not be. I am living a crappy life with just constant suffering. I need to work on the basics, clear my head, work on my personality and begin working on my life purpose. I know it is not going to be easy and these thoughts will try to reestablish themselves in my mind but there is no other way. I was actually on the verge of suicide for months now because of all the suffering I experienced. But I couldn't let all this potential that I see in me just go to waste. So yeah, running away will stop today.

That is why is the best argument against suicide because as most things in life they are not what they seem to be in first gaze. Yes, a human being commits suicide. Are u a human being? Idk, I'm asking watch closely.

Who commits suicide?