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@Thought Art Your thoughtful response is appreciated. Please know that the responses from my end may seem lacking...it's become difficult lately to navigate written conversation. Honestly still not sure why I'm here, haha! The main point I'm trying to get across is: Something happens in our past > we feel the emotion but don't navigate it because a safe container did not feel provided > we label it as bad and write it into a memory > this memory stays dormant until a similar thing happens in the future... Now there's two ways we could go here. If one is not maintaining right view, then > belief system triggers memory and emotion at the same time, yet it stays subconscious and we go with the conditioned response, which is to be averted to the feeling and thusly > suffering. The other option, if right view is maintained > belief system triggers memory and emotion at the same time, one is conscious of it, we recognize the perfection of the experience rather than being averted to it > the emotion is felt without being something bad > we have successfully dropped the aversion. Now the next time it occurs, there is no aversion and peace is maintained. Life is giving you these opportunities ALL THE TIME. The whole path is contained within and as itself through what appears. If one does this mindful work at all times, the karmic windings of aversions fall away with zero effort as the path walks itself. The transcendence of the emotional system simply means accepting all of them as one complete set, not being averted OR attracted to any of them individually, as they are not individual and should not be treated as such. It does not mean that what was previously experienced as sadness is not experienced anymore, just that it's seen as just another sensation, no better or worse than joy. In this, we can release all emotionality to the plane of existence without identifying with them, leaving us in a place where bliss can flower even within "sadness".

that's what i want deluded perfect bliss enlightenment

Of course they say that, they can't admit they fear something if the deluded perfect ideal of an enlightened dude is to feel nothing but pure bliss

Maybe you don't need your pain to alleviate. Maybe that fascination is enough. Its a deeper bliss that goes beyond the emotions.

It's very similar to and NDE actually. Except in this case, you get filled with light, then expand into Infinite consciousness and become the light itself. You become universal consciousness, omniscient, stretching into Infinity, with no beginning and no end. I am more familiar with the Kundalini route, so that is what I can write about, but in terms of the Metaphysics there is union of Shiva and Shakti, which leads to non-duality and an explosion of light energy. Orgasm is the closest thing to this experience in terms of the actual sensations, but this is a lot more intense and it is a constant state of being, an infinite state of Joy, Love, Happiness, Bliss, Pleasure, etc... In Sanskrit, this state is often described as Sat-Chit-Ananda, which is a combination of Truth, Consciousness and Self, as these become Infinite as the person experiencing it becomes one with Brahman, the universal, boundless Self.

It's lonely at the top .... That's what I've been saying for a while now ? It fucking sucks to be so different. Sometimes I think to myself that it was easier living inside a box and not knowing truth. Ignorance is bliss my friend ? All we can do is just hang on.

Psilohuasca is said to make shrooms dosages twice as strong. So maybe more like the effects of 12 grams. I took 90mg of harmala extract taken in maybe 1 ounce of orange juice than took 6 grams of mushrooms(lemon tek) approximately a half hour later. 20 mins after taking the shrooms I began to feel a very slight head change from the harmalas. I planned to take a warm shower than make my way to my bedroom. I hopped in the shower and within a couple minutes I began to start feeling slightly distant from physical reality. Not a high feeling or even a normal psychedelic feeling. Just felt a bit distant from reality and my "self" if that makes sense. I sat down in the shower to relax and this feeling of being distant was quickly becoming stronger and stronger. After maybe 5 mins or so I started feeling spacey and disoriented and began zoning out. I became unable to feel almost any connection with my body or normal state of mind. I started feeling a slight panic feeling. I wasn’t panicking but my body seemed to be. The panic subsided but the feeling of being distant was so intense that I felt as if control over my mind was almost completely gone and that was enough to start to make me worry what was going to happen when this got stronger. "Will I completely lose myself and my judgement so much that I am going to do something stupid?" Staying on that train of thought for even a short time was begining to make me panic again so I decided to get out of the shower and head to my bedroom. I turned off the shower, grabbed my towel but was so zoned out into an almost deep meditative feeling state, that drying off felt impossible. So I slowly slid down and sat back down in the shower with the towel in my lap and stared off completely zoned out for Idk how long. I eventually realized what was happening and managed to crawl out of the shower onto the floor of the bathroom. As I was sitting on the bath mat on the bathroom floor I began to lose the feeling of myself being located where my body was located. I also began to lose my usual sense of self. I tried to resist this and extreme panic and resistance VERY quickly began to take over but no matter how hard I I tried to resist this feeling of losing myself, it kept getting stronger and stronger. And I cant quite describe what happened next. "I" was no longer in a state of analyzing or even knowing that I was a person on the ground in a bathroom on psychedelics. I was blank. I was dead. I felt nowhere, and like nobody and felt nothing, like what I thought perception meant was just gone. What I would normally call "me" did not exist. I stayed this way for, I would GUESS, at least an hour until I became aware again. But not aware in the normal sense. Aware as in a sort of nonlocalized and unattached awareness. Just aware. Unbiased awareness. I think at this point someone could've ran in the bathroom and cut my throat with a machette and I wouldve just watched. Without resistance or panic or care at all because I no longer identified with this body as the "I" like usual. I was no longer a human body or brain or ego. I was just the awareness of reality. I did not think "oh im awareness of reality" I just WAS. I had feeling of a realization that this was actually always the case but the drugs had somehow removed the distractions that always stoped me from realizing this. I than found myself kind of back into my body and thought WOW! Everything that is distracting me from what "I" really am is so remarkably well designed! But designed how? And than the realizaton happened of"Oh designed by me!!!" I marveled at the complexity and the perfection of this and I immediately began laughing! I felt like everything and all of existence and reality had always just been me playing the game of god playing hide and seek with himself and I finally found me! Everything made so much sense, NOTHING could possibly be more obvious than this now that the distractions and illusions were gone. Of course! How could I have not known! Still naked I uncontrolably became exhausted and fell face first into the clothes on the floor and began mutter "It could be no other way it could be no other way" over and over and over again until I lost the feeling. The realization was and knowing was gone. I felt much more back in my body again and tried to remember and think about it again. I couldn’t quite put my finger back on it no matter how hard I tried. I spaced completely out for a few mins fell face first again into the clothes and went right back into it, than sat up and lost it, fell face first again and went back into it, sat up and lost it, fell and went back, probably a dozen times until I sat up and was completely back in my completely back in my body and terrified. I was once again a human body on a floor on psychedelics after just being boundless. had the weirdest panic attack possible for maybe an hour, forgot who I was or what was happening. I finally thought to change my setting. I struggled to my bedroom and focused on my breath until the panic was gone and I was filled with a sense of love and bliss like I have never known. I effortlessly realized so much of my childhood traumas that I never realized before and felt instantly healed from them. There was forgiveness and complete understanding of those who I was unknowingly holding grudges against for so many decades. The rest of the night and part of the next day I just felt completely out of my mind. I had no visuals, no auditory hallucinations or anything else that I was expecting during the entire trip. I have tripped maybe 30 times and never have I ever had something even remotely close to this. All of my nn dmt trips seem like NOTHING compared to this.

I am not OP, but this one has worked pretty well for me (I like working with the visual senses as well). Try looking at your entire frame of visual data as a gigantic screen. Pretend that you cannot influence, control, or affect it in any way. It will show whatever it wants, and your only job is to chill and do absolutely nothing. There is no "wrong" or "better" state for it to display. Once you've gotten a handle on the hands-off approach, repeat that with your hearing. Then feeling. Then tasting, smelling, and finally thinking. If you get deep enough with this technique, you will soon find that "you" begin to fade, and all of your sensory systems fade with the selfhood, too. Then the bliss comes out.

@BipolarGrowth oh ok. I see what you mean now. Yeah i have been thinking and talking about nothing else since this happened. My life will absolutely never be the same. Even though the "state" of complete clear understanding is long gone my "self" can never be the same. Yesterday I was gardening and there was a moment where I began rubbing a leaf and came back to the feeling of "I am just consciousness. There's only one consciousness which constitutes all things. This makes me this leaf just as much as my body. " I also thought about how all things are just different incarnations of consciousness so I am simultaneously all things throughout all of time simultaneously. Full of bliss and gratitude I just laid in the grass for a few minutes feeling connected in a new way. I dont even need to specifically consider how i feel about my self dying because only the body will die. Not I. I dont think my work is finished but instead I feel lile I have a solid foundation to begin building a new life. Starting a new chapter was the intention of this trip.

I hope that works out for you. Being free is not necessarily a good thing forever, and beauty, positivity, bliss, and heavenly experiences all have an ugly side inherently tied into them which you will not escape from for long. I still think it’s totally worth going for if it’s your thing, but I figured I’d mention some downsides.

I think I’m having a smaller awakening. Into self-love. And into my body. I have tears in my eyes writing this, it feels amazing, and I wish for everyone to have this kind of experience. This experience has lasted for a couple of weeks now, but it seems like it is not fading, but on the contrary - it seems like it is growing. Like it is still developing in me. I have so much pleasure from just being in this physical body. It’s not like I am in constant bliss, I can definitely feel pain, both physically and emotionally, but it is like the constant bliss is right underneath the surface and I can experiment with tapping into it. Haha. I went to the dentist without anesthesia. I almost had an orgasm from the sun hitting my bare skin through the window. The best thing is the sounds. At my very first baby trip (on LSD) years ago, I had this experience that I could feel sounds in my body. I remember the sound of someone pushing a shopping card over the sidewalk and how the sound kept vibrating in my body - creating an extreme amount of pleasure. During different trips through the years, such experiences have returned. But I’m not tripping now and it’s still here. Maybe not as intense, but I can tap into it without any difficulties. It is like I have become aware on an experiential level, that everything is vibration. Here is stuff that I did recently, leading up to this experience. I did them all with not more than a few weeks pause in-between: A little bit more than a week where I intensively practiced The Completion Process by Teal Swan – one to two times a day. (To those who don’t recognize this practice, it is a kind of hypnosis/inner-child-work that you can easily do on yourself. The purpose is to deal with difficult emotions from the root level, and in many ways, I guess it is also a perfect method to generate self-love towards neglected parts of yourself. I can highly recommend the practice, which you can find in this book: https://www.amazon.com/Completion-Process-Practice-Yourself-Together/dp/1401951449 During this week I went very deep, into both actual memories, and visualizations of more abstract feelings. It occurred to me that a lot of the fear in my body that I wasn’t dealing with, ended up as a sort of blockage when doing psychedelics and other development practices. A seven-day ayahuasca retreat with four ceremonies, almost in a row. This was my second ayahuasca retreat and where the first one, last summer, had more of an existential flair to it, where I experienced non-duality and all that stuff, this retreat was more about my childhood and the collective female consciousness. During the trips, memories from my childhood were mixed up with memories from my mother’s childhood, books that have been read to me, childhood fantasy games I played, and also stuff I have read about or heard in the news. And I had to live through it all, it was pure pain and pure fear with glimpses of strength and love. Maybe I should add that I had a very abuse and violent childhood. The same was the case for my mother. In one of the ceremonies, I re-lived being a woman, murdered in a very violent way by a man. I had nowhere to run, I just had to be with it, so I did. In one of the ceremonies, the pain and horror subsided to a very powerful feeling where one of the female shamans, together with myself, could pull all this invisible pain and torture out of my body and throw it into the fire. It was very empowering, and I felt like an invincible witch giving birth to myself. Also, the whole day before this ceremony, I had had menstruation cramps without bleeding, they were stronger than normal – like I felt like I was going into labor. Which I guess I in some way I was. The last ceremony was however the most notable. Before we started, the lead shaman guided us through a hypnosis exercise, where we stood in front of a screen, showing us what we were supposed to work with, during the ceremony. I was first shown a picture of my mother getting beaten in the head by one of her ex-boyfriends, then my mother getting strangled in the kitchen by my father, and then, at last, I saw myself as a teenager getting strangled by my ex-boyfriend when I was in high school. Drinking the cup of ayahuasca that night, I had tears running down my face because I knew that I had to work with all this collective shit between males and females, and how it is insanely painful. I was very determined to go through it though. It has created too much pain in my life. It has to end now. The ceremony was me sitting in constant fear for the full night. I drank another cup when I realized that this time, the pain wouldn’t subside, and I had to stay with it for the full ceremony– again the only way out was through. It’s difficult to describe those kinds of experiences, but I just tried to be calm with the intense emotion and at some point, I asked if I could lay close to the opening of the tippy. The helpers also covered me in heavy blankets. But other than that, I was alone in holding the fear. As I knew it would, it lasted the whole ceremony, and it was as if it didn’t have a resolution. Ten-day Vipassana Course This was my second Vipassana course. I did the last one-two years ago. I was a bit reluctant to sign up for this, because of doing Ayahuasca only a couple of weeks before the start of the course. I remembered my first ayahuasca experience, where I had been very sick many days afterward, totally dissociating from my body – especially the senses of touch and taste I had lost. Luckily this time, maybe because I had been practicing the completion process, I had been less scared of facing my inner shit, so I was feeling good and was not dissociating. The Vipassana course ended up being the perfect way to integrate the ayahuasca ceremonies. As I mentioned, I had a feeling that the last ceremony never really ended. It was as if it continued into the Vipassana experience. During the ten days, I contemplated a lot of stuff about my relationship with romantic love and men. I also understood the technique in a very deeper way. I had many realizations about how I’m constantly reacting to sensations without thinking, how I have this thirst for good sensations that never ends, and how it is the cause of a lot of my suffering. Also, I had a few days that felt like waking up after a bad party. Like – regretting stuff I have done and said, or feeling pain now being aware of people in the past that I have hurt. In the meditations, I was better able to let go of the need for pleasure than in my previous course. I had a beautiful experience where all the pain and pleasure in my body simply was realized as vibrations. Then the voice in my head became a vibration and disappeared into itself. For a short moment, there was total silence. But it was not...nothing or empty. It was… peace, bliss, a good sensation, but a different kind of good. It was just… I was just. being. Then on the last night of Vipassana, my ayahuasca trip had its ending. Pure pain and fear a whole night. I am suffering from extreme stomach aces that the doctors haven’t been able to figure out. It wakes me up at night if I eat too much or eat the wrong food. On the last day, we had one more meal than the other days and that gave me the pain that night. Normally I would go out of bed to exercise or do yoga (because that is the only thing that helps) but I didn’t want to wake my roommate up, so I stayed in bed. Then I began to drift off into sleep, but the pain kept waking me, so it was in this state between awake and asleep that I started to have a nightmare. It felt very much like tripping. I don’t think I have ever been so scared in my life, not even on the scariest ayahuasca ceremonies. This was the worst my stomach ace has ever been, I was cold-sweating, nauseous. And again, it came to a place where I realized the fear and the pain wouldn’t go away so I had to stay with it the full night. So, I did. And then. I’m not sure exactly when it happened. But since then, it has been so easy for me to feel love for both myself and everyone else. I look forward to meditating because it is such a pleasure. I listened to Leo’s video about self-love being the highest teaching again. He says in it, that one day we will come back to the recording, understanding it better, and I feel like that is me now. Understanding it. Coming back to self-love. I have so much compassion for the child and teenager I was. Everything I went through. I am so happy that I am experiencing this now because when I think back on the beginning of my adulthood, I have struggled so much, and I have been so sad and unnecessarily scared. At the same time, I am aware that my memories - what did and did not happen, what I remember in pictures, and what I remember as feelings or sensations. It doesn't really matter. It is the feeling of owning the past but.. well maybe more of owning the experience of the past, that I have. Because my experience in the now is the only thing there is. I guess I never really understood what big a part of my misery had to do with fear. I am not rid of the fear, I still experience fear and panic when I wake up in the morning, but I am more aware of it now, dealing with it – where usually I just numbed it with a long to-do-list, jumping out of bed to have enough time to do everything. I know I still have a long way to go, and I am motivated to grow even more, but if this should be the only step I ever reach, I would actually be quite satisfied, haha. Just wanted to share this – especially that it was valuable for me to do self-therapy – ayahuasca – vipassana in a row. I also had a few talks with a therapist who was very wise in regards to the emotional body before it all. I try as best as I can to practice the completion process for an hour or so in the morning. I do the Vipassana meditation for an hour before going to bed at night. Ending with a loving-kindness mediation. Practicing this helps me stay aware of both my emotions and physical sensations, and I think that by keeping these practices, I help the awakening to grow instead of fade. One big change I also feel in my daily life is that I am enjoying so much to just be alone (or with my dog). These days I have zero need to spend time with friends or create new relationships. It’s not that I don’t want that, it’s just that right now I have so much to experience just in being me. I’m also getting more creative and feel like I want to consume and create art all the time. The world is so amazing. Existing is so cool. I don’t want to miss a single moment haha. Like, it is not like that ecstatic feeling of being in love. It is more like calm. Like secure. I feel secure. Thanks for reading this far if you did. Love you (of course).

"Present life is not Ultimate Truth, it is not stable life, so likewise you have to think over it, who am I? That is the main question, that you have to concentrate. After knowing the reality, though you are living this body form, you are unconcerned. Sometimes bliss is there, sometimes pain is there, sometimes depression is there, nervousness is there, sometimes happiness is there. It happens because you are holding the body, today you are happy, tomorrow depression may be there. Sometimes some devotees say “oh, I am doing spirituality, I am doing meditation, I am doing Bhajan, why is there nervousness, why is there depression?”. It is body knowledge, it is going to happen, depression, unhappiness, all these concepts are not there prior to Beingness. After leaving the body, have you got any depression? “OH, I am depressed”, there, nobody is there! The Presence merges with all the entire Presence, like a bucket of water you put in the sea, you can’t remove the bucket of water from the sea, it becomes the sea. Likewise, your Presence, after leaving the body, will merge within, vast, Brahman. So that type of conviction is required, then only, there will be spiritual survival “Yes, I have nothing to do with the world”. At present we survive with the body form, that is not survival at all. So be with you, always, do your job, do your duties. “OH Master, I am having so many problems”, some people ask whether or not to continue service or not, why? What is the harm? Spirituality is not asking you to leave your service, leave your responsibilities and go to the forest. Do your routine life, nothing is wrong with you, that means you have got ego, “I am somebody else, I am a spiritual man”, and that ego is supposed to be dissolved." ~Sri Ramakant Maharaj

24 years ago, when I was 23, I travelled with my best friend to Amsterdam. We decided to try psilocybe mushrooms for the first time. At first we were enjoying the kaleidoscopic effects, but soon it got a lot deeper than that. As I was sitting cross-legged on a chair, I closed my eyes and felt a powerful pull towards a big black nothing inside of me. I knew it was decision time. Try and fight it to keep my identity intact, or let go and surrender to whatever comes. I let go. Soon, a massive energy started to build up at the base of my spine. Moving, contracting, expanding, growing and rising. I kept just witnessing in wonder. When the pillar of energy reached my throat, I had one more moment of hesitation (will it suffocate me if it goes through my throat?). Again, I decided to surrender and accept whatever comes. The next thing I remember, was this pillar of energy shooting up into my head and exploding in white light. It was as if I've been wandering through life in darkness up to that point, holding only a candle to show me the way. Now, everything, EVERYTHING was illuminated. Knowledge simply poured into me. Although a lot more information was "downloaded", what I managed to retain afterwards was enough to completely change my life. I considered myself an atheist up to that point, but afterwards I could no longer deny the existence of AllThereIs. Since I had no idea about what had just happened, I started diving into any book about spirituality, philosophy, religion, Self-Help, psychology, mysticism and and and. Concepts that would have been far over my head before, I could now understand effortlessly. Is this experience enlightenment? No, I don't think so. An awakening, yes, definitely. I spent the next 20 years feeding off of this experience, working on myself, my shadows and my relationships. I got married and established myself quite successfully in the material world by doing something I'm passionate about. But eventually I realized that this wasn't enough for me. The progress was steady, but it wasn't the main priority in my life. This changed when I started to practice Kriya Yoga every day. Personally, I think this is an essential component in my development. In terms of Spiral Dynamics, I would say I spent 20 years establishing a strong foothold at Yellow and now I'm starting to get more familiar with Turquoise. The Kundalini awakening was a peak experience which propelled me from Green to Turquoise, but I had to put in a lot of work over many years to reach Turquoise again. This is not to say that kundalini automatically awakens by using psychedelics. In fact, while I was experiencing infinite bliss, my friend had quite the opposite trip. He was holding on to his ego for dear life and was panicking. I had to force myself to "come back" and reassure him. You can not force Kundalini to awaken. Even if you practice kundalini yoga for many years, there is no guarantee. Kundalini has its own mind and agenda. If and when she comes, is on her own terms. You can lay the foundations for her by living in a certain way, but her appearance is ultimately down to her Grace and Blessing. Hope this helps.

I did mix doses and socialized. From microdoses to 50ug and for me it was awesome. I could shift or actually have awareness on what was going on inside, all the mix of emotions from pleasant to unpleasant + on the other person and his shifts in mood, body language, energy and kinda adapt my "frequency" and see his/hers align. I mean it's kinda hard to describe and I hope I'm not using too much "woo-woo" jargon but damn it was awesome. Observing the energy, your mind coming up with thoughts and articulating them while simultaneously living and seeing that moment coming to "life", baa .. bliss Definitely start with small doses and see how you handle it tho.

I found suffering through the withdraw, and affirming each morning what my values were helped. I was hell, but being sober and not smoking weed is so much better. Facing reality. Stop craving pleasure and bliss. Be okay with being just as you are.

Hi, I had different vision of realization (it is mistake from the beginning, any vision at all i know) that after you find, who u really are, you'll get into state of peaceful bliss, joy, love. My realization instead is kinda based of fear, that it doesn't even matter at all, it doesn't make any sense, there's only "me-god" so i had to make illusion of separate self, to not get lonely. I know it's only a thought, and kinda of experience, and if u focus on "here and now" and emotions like "love" it gets peaceful, but anyway, it kinda feels like "illusion" because there's literally "no-other". It gets kinda sad, and pointless? What's your view on this? ( so basically what's your illusion of this?)

Another thing came to mind. Whether weed is a psychedelic highly depends on the person taking it, just as it is the case with MDMA or shrooms. You can get very little out of it, or profound teachings and experiences. Even the sober experience can be psychedelic, but again, that depends on the person. I actually broke through to the cosmic OM sound on weed. I started the OM mantra by myself, but at one point, I was sucked in by what felt like thousands of different voices, chanting OM. This cosmic OM was accompanied by an overwhelming sensation of feeling welcomed. It didn't take long until I was just one of the many voices, chanting and bathing in the bliss of being.

Acid crazy man. Nowadays it takes me to infinity real quick. It's why I struggle to comprehend what the big fuss is about with DMT etc. I literally can become an infinite void of love and bliss off 100ug. At those high peaks of consciousness, I become the infinite singularity, so I really don't get what's "higher" than that. I don't read too much into spiral dynamics, to me it's a bit of a joke. I don't really need a model of ego development to tell me everything is imaginary. That's just me though, I'm sure it benefits some.

@omar30 salat and namaz is done not to raise consciousness.it is done for after life.maybe it will give u peace if u think it will give u peace.unmodified oldschooled sunni islamic practices are all done for the after life.new age modified islam maybe a form of bhakti yoga.so if u are intrested in after life then persue sunni islam.its unchanged and is exactly as prophet muhammed passed down to first men. If u want bliss,increase consciousness and other things then persue meditation.al I am born into deeply relegious islamic family

Islamic prayer is not done for getting into mystical states and getting bliss etc.it is done for afterlife .islam is not bakti yoga.so if u want enlightment do meditation

Profoundly so. Lots of bliss. Lots of insights. Lots of detachment from normal life as well, but overall I guess I had a nice time seeking. But I was quite diligent. It might seem like all that led to a happy state experienced by someone, but it didn't. The seeker was the someone, and it apparently faded out, along with the solidity of what appears. It was a story; just what appeared to happen.

The solution to suffering is that there's no need for (nor possibility of) a solution. Meditation can certainly take the edge off. For me, its primary allure seemed to have something to do with exploration, insight, and power. Interestingly, if one gains the ability to produce as much bliss as they want on demand (actually possible through diligent meditation), they will have no need for that ability anymore, so in a sense it never gets anyone anywhere, but the point is really the path anyway, not the destination -- in fact there isn't a real destination. But there's no one on a path either. And no point. What we're doing here has nothing to do with us, as there is no we -- we are an appearance; we're not real, we're apparently being done...not even.

Names have been changed for the sake of privacy Wednesday September 29 2021, my father and I smoked 5-MeO-DMT in the form of toad venom. The Story: “I am a 33 year old male living in a beach suburb of Los Angeles. I am healthy, and do not use medication of any kind, or supplements, herbs, etc. My first experience with psychedelics was with LSD when I was 16, and I have also used mescaline, mushrooms, and n,n-DMT. For the past two years I have been using exclusively n,n-DMT and psilocybin mushrooms, and have been fully immersed in wisdom traditions which can broadly be referred to as non-duality.” I first became interested in 5-MeO-DMT many years ago, it’s impossible to know exactly when. Terence McKenna didn’t have much to say about it, feeling that the lack of visual activity was a shortcoming of the compound. Hamilton Morris botched some parts of it's history in a season 2 episode of his VICE show, only to make a spectacular comeback to kick off season 3. Memes and myths about psychedelic toads are common enough that even the lay person has heard of licking toads to get high. But that’s not the route of administration called for here. Incilius alvarius, formerly bufo alvarius, aka the Sonoran Desert toad or Colorado River toad. The largest toad in North America, this unassuming creature is recognizable by the venom sacks on its arms, legs, back, and parotid. When the toads emerge from hibernation en masse, one can collect their venom by squeezing the glands thereby spraying the excretion onto a piece of clean glass. After a period of drying, the venom contains ~15% 5-MeO-DMT, which can then be scraped and vaporized. When heated in a glass pipe, one long toke of this pungent vapor will produce what is widely regarded as the most intense entheogenic experience possible. In recent years, as relationships between US and Mexico based practitioners grow, a beautiful entheogenic culture is being birthed, with this toad at the center. Over the past two years my father and I fell in love with the synergy between n,n-DMT and non-duality, and he is rather active on social media in sharing his insights and perspective. We have a special bond, and after I shared n,n-DMT with him he has served himself on several occasions. Two weeks before this experience someone reached out to him on social media, curious if the information he’s been sharing was catalyzed by an encounter with 5-MeO. After some discussion, an exchange of names and numbers, and the auspicious alignment of several vectors, we booked a 6pm session in Malibu. Fast forward two weeks. The day arrived. I fasted, and left work early in order to buy some comfortable clothes for the experience and to give myself time and space to settle. Mild nervousness began to set in at this point. Sweaty palms. It was 2 hours until the ceremony, and I took time to sit and follow my breath and refine my intention for the encounter. I left home with time to spare for unexpected changes in traffic and a beach meditation en route to the facilitator’s home. After the drive and a few minutes spent admiring the Pacific, I met my father at the entrance to the house. If you imagine a cross between a Hobbit house, a cathedral, and an organic spaceship overlooking the ocean, the image will not be far off. We were greeted by one of the facilitators, Luna, who informed us that the previous guest was still processing and integrating, which gave us time to chat poolside with Jeremy, the lead facilitator. Jeremy is also my father’s name, and like my father he spent most of his career in western medicine. This is one of many synchronicities which surrounded this experience and continue to bubble up in my life. We shared awakening stories and practical information as the sun slowly set on the ocean, and when the time came we were ushered into the spacious and well appointed interior. This is where the ceremony was conducted, and I couldn’t have imagined a more comfortable or welcoming environment. All the expected design elements were present, raw wood, stone, and an altar whose center piece was a large amethyst geode which resembled a pair of open wings. Inside, we were introduced to Alicia, the final of the three facilitators. We were cleansed with sage, and moved into place on simple padded mats adorned with the likeness of Ganesha which had been laid out on the floor. My father was to go first and I would follow him 15 minutes later. The medicine was delivered in the Eclipse, a type of vaporizer with a threaded end into which a vial containing one’s individual dose is loaded. A most effective tool. Music came down, the lights dimmed, and incense was burned. This was it. Kneeling on the mat, my father was handed the pipe to hold between his palms, close to his heart, while one of the facilitators held a typed prayer before him to be read aloud. He read the prayer, and upon completion the dose was delivered. In one long inhalation, the entire dose was received. One single breath. My father laid down on his side where the facilitators quickly and gently rearranged pillows and blankets to support him. The effects come on immediately, and present differently depending on the individual’s nature and needs. Not 10 seconds after the end of the inhalation, my father began vocalizing in complex glossolalia. He was not speaking any language I know, or even know of, but the tone of the message was complete and utter astonishment. I couldn’t help but smile, and at times barely contained myself as the joy turned to laughter, and tried to escape from me the way steam rises from boiling water. Eventually, the mutterings gave way to English, and some of the quality of his experience came through: “Unfathomable. Un-fathom-able. Oh Jesus. Jesus Christ! Of course. That’s it. That’s IT. Jesus Fucking Christ! I get it! Of course I get it, , I get it. How could it be anything else?” This settled down, and no more than 10 minutes after the dose, my father was resting peacefully, in deep communion with All That Is. Jeremy asked me to step outside to speak to him. “Would you like to take the medicine while standing? This is usually reserved for the second session onward, but based on your history I think it would be a beautiful experience. You remain upright, spine in alignment, bridging Heaven and Earth. I’ll be right behind you, waiting to catch you when it comes on. Just fall back and we’ll take care of you.” How could I say no? We headed back inside, and I stood at the edge of the mat while the final preparations were made. This was the moment of Truth. Alicia cleansed my hands with Florida water. She gave me the pipe and held the prayer to read. At this time in writing the report, I am shivering and covered in waves of goosebumps as I coax the memory of that evening from out of the ether. “I am love. I am health. I am peace. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be healthy…” “Now breathe it in, nice and slow. Good, good, more. More, more. Almost there, a bit more, good.” The rich vapor is the taste of mystery. It’s aroma is ancient, spiced, sweet, and deep. Earthy and medicinal, more than anything it tastes of power. As I finished drawing it all in the room quivered, suddenly filled not with air, but a viscous superfluid which was both more real and more dreamlike than waking perception. My arms were still raised, having lifted them over my head while taking the dose as instructed. As I lowered them, I fell back not into the arms of a man, but into the boundless heart of creation. Am I going to do it? Am I going to say “It cannot be described” and then go on trying to describe it? I could spend the rest of my life in effort, and never get any closer to conveying the felt experience. Holy Fucking Shit. This Is It. This Is Me. I Am It. Imagine what it feels like to become history, to become expression, to become Tao. This is everything, complete and outside of time. It is the Transcendental Object at the End of Time. It is loving, self organizing, infinite intelligence. All sense of who I am, that I am a “who,” was blown away in a great cosmic wind. All sensory experience merged into one orgasmic, orchestral cheer which echoed through the halls of creation. I am an old man basking in the sun. I am a wave crashing on the shore. I am touch, number, color, smell, sound, taste, light, electricity, magnetism. I am the telling of a joke and the punchline. I am the intimate symmetry of flowers in bloom. I am liquid light in love with itself, dancing into form, dancing out of form. I am an impossible object of infinite potential. The only thing to do is everything, and so I do everything. I am every possible extreme and subtlety, the transcendence of quality. I am without quality. Total. There is nothing to which or against which comparison is possible. All of reality is One. All of reality is won. This is a solvent. The problem solved itself. Holy shit This Is It. I felt the crystalline nature of the eternal moment precipitate from the supersaturated solution that is all the teachers and all the teachings of my life. The qualities of my father’s loving wisdom are in me, I am them. I am the radical insistent wisdom of Leo Gura, and I became him, and we were the universe, astonished and weeping with joy at having done it again. We did it. We remembered. I laid there as the infinite descended into form and all of reality knit itself back together I opened my eyes. Perfect brilliant stillness. Complete luminous abiding. Total radiant peace. I rested in the delicious feeling of being alive. Of being Life. I closed my eyes. “Hey bud, how are you doing? You want another puff? It’ll be like a deep meditation.” Jeremy laid a gentle hand on my chest. How could I say no. I remained prone on the mat while Jeremy administered the second dose. The inhalation was slightly shorter, but the depth of this experience was just as profound as the first. The Knowing was there again. What we call reality is the appearance of opposites, across all possible axes, in perfect dynamic equilibrium. In this configuration there is infinitely loving creative intelligence. Life trusts and loves itself completely, and so gives itself full permission to express itself Completely. It’s here, it’s right there, for you to take it all. Something trying to move, and I have to allow it. Drawing a breath, I let out an exultant howl rising and then falling in the end. It felt like the ultimate acknowledgment of who I am. From somewhere in the distance I heard the howl returned, a howl of recognition from my father. I howled again, jubilant. Who knows how long I lay merged with this unity. Eternity isn’t a long time, it is the transcendence of time. Coming back, slowly, slowly, gently. Piecing together my individuality was like putting on the finest clothes I whispered to myself: “My name is Mason Newhouse. My father’s name is Jeremy Newhouse. My mother’s name is Lucienne Pavot. I am speaking the universe into existence. Satya is the truth of existence.” I shuddered with bliss at the simple facts of my being. I bathed in that bliss for a moment, and wriggled cozily, feeling like a child in bed on a lazy Sunday morning. Eventually I sat up, and reflexively spit a congealed ball of emotion across the room, and looked at Alicia seated to my left. "Well, that's it. Welcome to Utopia " Alicia smiled and nodded. The sun had set, and the spacious, dimly lit space was rich with magic and the potent scent of toad venom. The room was thick with emotion, and I looked at my father on the mat beside me “So that’s it.” he said “That’s it.” I replied “Two thumbs up.” To my right and behind me I saw Luna, and heard her crying gently. There is the impression that something profound had just taken place, and everyone sat quietly together in pure open awareness. My father and I hugged and laid on our backs, head to head, marvelling at what had just taken place. Jeremy came over to welcome us back. He thanked us for the beautiful session, saying that it brought him even closer to his own father, with whom he has shared this experience. We all sat together talking for a bit, about the experience we had, about the people it has helped, research being done, etc. “It’s nice to have a body.” I say, and I mean it. “A nice human thing.” We all sat for a while, and as big talk turned to small talk, the evening drew to a close. I offered my deep gratitude to our facilitators, to the people who harvested this medicine, to the toad, to the earth, to the sky, to myself. To The Self. Years, indeed lifetimes could be spent in describing the awakened non-dual state, and that’s exactly what’s going on. All religions, mystery schools, and spiritual traditions are pointing to this. There is nothing new I need to say or could say. Any way I approach it, this experience is a transcendence. It is nothing like n,n-DMT, and yet an obvious expansion on it. There is no way I could have prepared for it, but everything in my life led to that moment. It was infinite power and infinite gentleness. I have to choose to end the report here, lest I go on forever. I'm in no hurry to go back to that space but I savor the thought of when the time comes to return. tl;dr I smoked dried toad venom and became God, which is synonymous with Universe, Love, Tao, Reality, Energy, Intelligence, Creation, Imagination, Consciousness, Eternity, Infinity, Everything, Nothing. This. Here. Now.

And ignorance is bliss. And innocence. Knowing appears, but nothing is ever known.

That infinite letting go, where thoughts, sounds, etc appear/arise to No One...that's what would I call, true quality of life ?? Are there any forum members here "who" live in this state? I would call that an awakening. A no self awakening it could be called. Imo you can't maintain a job in that state without attaching to thoughts because jobs and survival demands CONTROL... But let me know what is your opinion in the (intent) of maintaing of our true, blissful nature... Survival make bliss kinda difficult