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Yeah, that's what I'm saying, after Enlightenment the illusion ends. No more Bob. Bob is gone back to being a quantum probability. So Enlightenment or maybe Full Enlightenment is the complete sacrifice to God. So that God is made flesh in the 3 D world.

You obviously have not realized that form and formlessness are identical. Your consciousness is not the highest. Stop listening to these teachers who tell you that nothingness and formlessness is distinct from form. Everything is Absolute, which means experience is Absolute too. Well, they are wrong. There is nothing but Infinite Mind. So to say that something is "of the mind" is silly. Everything is of the mind. Mind is not limited to thinking stuff or "monkey mind". This notion of mind as "monkey mind" is a very problematic and incorrect view of Mind. If you want to shut off the Mind, then you lose your body too, because your body is nothing but Mind. You also lose other humans. And you lose the world. All of that is Mind. If your goal is to shut off Mind, your only choice is to kill yourself. LIFE is MIND! And let's not pretend like life doesn't matter. It matters to you, otherwise you would not be hear talking, trying to persuade people of your ideas. I don't presume that. Nothing exists but myself. All of you are illusions within my own mind. And likewise for you. Yes, God is stuck in a limited state as a human. This is obvious, otherwise everyone would be awake. No, this is wrong. You have created a duality between formlessness and form. Psychedelics offer far more than "ego death". Ego death is not even the most important aspect of psychedelics. The most important aspect is the change to one's state of consciousness. And THAT is enlightenment. Whether ego death occurs is not even that relevant. God realization is certainly an experience. I've had it many times. And so have tens of thousands of other humans. I could talk for hours about all the functions of God, because I have directly experienced many of them. They are wrong. I could say the same about you. Two can play that game. All of your fave nondual teachers are misleading you to lower states of consciousness. This is absurd to claim. Reality IS imagination. If you don't realize that, you're obvious nowhere near as conscious as you imagine yourself to be. God and imagination and Love, etc. are not my dogma. And they are not interpretations. Nor are they relative things. What I'm talking about is ABSOLUTE INFINITY -- not anything like some Christian's limited vision of Jesus. There is nothing higher that ABSOLUTE INFINITY. And any teacher who is not stressing INFINITY does not have the highest consciousness. Reality is INFINITY. Period. You cannot get around this with any technique or teach or realization. It will always be INFINITY. Nothing less, nothing more. No. This is wrong. Psychedelic experiences are as Absolute as Absolute gets. You don't know that. I'm a pretty unique guy Psychedelic affect me very uniquely. For example, I get almost no visuals from vaped DMT. Well, they are wrong. Remember, psychedelics don't work well on many people. Especially people who dabble in them. I have not met a single enlightened person who as done serious psychedelic work. Most of them have dabbled with a couple of trips. This means they are not qualified to talk about psychedelics, or even enlightenment. Being immune is not bullshit. I have personally seen so called enlightened people take DMT, for example, and still not being conscious fully of what things are. And on some people it just doesn't have much effect at all. It's not even that they are so much immune. They are just dabblers. They take one trip and say that's enough. Talk about self-deception. I've seen enlightened people take a baby dose of 5-MeO-DMT and then pussy out and refuse to take any more, thus remaining ignorant. Show me an enlightened person who has done breakthrough 100 trips on a wide variety of substances. I have tripped close to 150 times. So I speak from very deep experience on this matter. I'm not just speculating. I'm telling you things that few humans on this planet can fathom. The next time you talk to an enlightened guru who tells you psychedelics aren't it. Before you listen to him, first ask him: How many trips have you done, and on what substances, at what dosages? This will give you the true reason for their dumb ideas. This is wrong. DMT produces enlightenment and beyond. BTW, DMT is nothing, so it does not contradict your idea that nothing produces enlightenment. If nothing produces enlightenment, then why do all of your gurus charge you money for retreats and teach you practices for enlightenment? They are obviously full of shit hypocrites. DMT cannot produce enlightenment but a workshop or retreat can? Pure horseshit. I can generate an full enlightenment in 15 minutes on command. You guru cannot. There is nothing dualistic or relative about 5-MeO-DMT. Realization is a state change in consciousness. Mind is Infinity. So your point is moot. False. I have fully realized Absolute Truth on psychedelics many times. And as far as knowing what Truth is, I know what it is regardless of what state I am in, regardless of whether I am on psychedelics or not. Truth is experience. It's so simple. Truth is NOT nothingness. Although nothingness is also a part of Truth. Experience IS nothingness. They are identical. This misrepresents the power of psychedelics. All that is true but it is peanuts. The key point of psychedelics is Absolute Truth. If you don't reach Absolute Truth on psychedelics, you're doing them wrong, or your brain genetics are not suitable for psychedelics. Wrong. All states and experiences must be Absolute Truth, otherwise they could be exist and you could not be conscious of them. For anything to arise in consciousness requires it to be Absolute Truth. Because Truth is just existence. A thing cannot exist and not be True. Everything is of the mind, because the only thing that exist is Infinite Mind. You're making the mistake of diminishing "mind". And ironically, you're doing this using your mind. Your entire physical body is purely "of the mind". As are all physical objects. I am conscious that my mind designed my body. Are you? Where do you think your body came from? Who do you think created every hair on your ass? Most of your so-called gurus are not even conscious of self-design, which is why none of them teach it. Self-design is one of these most important realizations you can have. If you call yourself enlightened and you are not conscious of self-design, you are so far from full consciousness. If you are not conscious of how you designed every hair on your ass, you ain't really awake.

I am 21. I am studying Psychology at Uni. Will finish in 1.5 years. Three Conditions: I have some life purpose ideas which I started to some degree: YouTube, Comedy and Spiritual teacher (later in life) I have a solid spiritual development for my age (Ox herding pic 4) I stilll have many addictions (weed, alcohol, youtube) and my self-discipline is my biggest obstacle. The Situation: My addictions are hindering my life purpose work to a great degree. My addictions fill a void in me, this void always occurs when I realize that there is nothing to do. This realization comes from the fact that I know from my enlightenment experiences, "this is the perfect moment". (but still, I feel bad doing nothing all day) So why do I have to create this grand, hard to achieve life purpose for myself? Why do I need a life purpose to fill the void? Shouldnt this be done through spiritual work? I fear that my "life purpose" is nothing more than an ego trip which is trying to create a big name for myself. Create a person that was so significant and outstanding with his work. I fear that if I achieve my life purpose (for example, a successful comedian), I will be in the same spot that I am now. (still addicted, still confused) And how do I get rid of these addictions? Through meaningful work and a grand vision of who I could be? Isnt that an addiction in itself? This void can only be filled through ultimate wholeness right? The Options: Option 1: Go full in on life purpose and hope my addictions will resolve along the way as my project gets more successful, achieve full enlightenment later in life. Option 2: Go full in on spiritual development, rid oneself of addiction, rid oneself of need to be successful. After that life purpose will come naturally. Option 3: Go full in on ridding oneself of addiction first (dont know how), to then fully do life purpose work What is The Way? -

Psychological needs DO NOT exist after enlightenment! Please do not paraphrase from Emerald. She projected a whole lot of things. I didn't say neglect or stop caring for yourself whether physically or psychologically. She misinterpreted what I said out of whatever things she's experiencing. Enlightenment is paradoxical. So whatever applies before enlightenment does not necessarily apply after. That's what I'm saying. The self/ego, which is what psychology essentially is, is gone after full enlightenment, which I'm not claiming that I have, neither am I claiming that it's 100% possible. It's just what it seems to me from my experiences. I must say that it may not be realistic to remove the self/ego 100%. However, 99% may be possible. If you had only 1% of your current ego, would you still have the same needs or only 1% of them? And wouldn't that change your whole understanding of psychology? Because if you can be well without what you initially thought is necessary, then what does that say about its actual value? Note also that this opens the door to this unique possibility: The remaining 1% can then be viewed as a new 100% and then one can work on removing 99% of it, and so forth. If you put an enlightened "person" (I'm using quotation marks because I know some genius will come and say that the person can't be enlightened) and an unenlightened person to the same psychological challenges, how do you anticipate their reactions will be? How will they be affected, physically, emotionally, and psychologically? And who will experience more suffering and form more defence mechanisms? If you disagree, can you give me at least one example of what you expect to happen in a hypothetical situation? What seems to be missing in your worldview is the importance of the relationship between conscious awareness and the subconscious mind. Enlightenment shifts this relationship. The subconscious becomes conscious, the shadow gets reintegrated, and the self becomes The Self. In traditional psychology, it is assumed that The Mind is made-up of different smaller "minds". This distinction is true before enlightenment (I guess because it's coming from the general population). And it's the basis of enlightenment work. People have different definitions of enlightenment, so it may be tricky to find a common ground here. But that's what I'm saying essentially. If you have any criticism of my views, please critique what I said. Others interpret things from their povs, and I don't take ownership of/responsibility for anything outside of my own words. Thanks.

*This is my personal opinion and feelings* I have strange feelings about this. On the one hand, Leo is one of the few people that is truly interested in full enlightenment, which is just amazing, going all the way is super rare. On the other hand, I feel he has no grace. I see photos or videos of people, who even being saints, it is clear that they are much more asleep than Leo, however I feel this buzz in my third eye and my body is more light and relaxed. This never happened me while watching Leo's video, it is true that when he opens his mouth everything changes, but his mere presence doesn't bring me to God. He has profound wisdom of Reality, Truth, Conciousness and Love but idk I don't feel God's presence when he just is. However, I feel it with less realized individuals that just by watching a picture, even not knowing anything of them, I inmideatly feel it's grace, then check what they say and realize Leo is decades ahead of that guy. So very puzzled about this phenomena: grace, wisdom, awakenings, blessings, God's presence... Thought they all went together, any insights? What are your thoughts about this?

Full mahasamadhi vs not full mahasamadhi. (from the ultimate perspective that's of course bs). From this binary perspective, Jesus didn't have full enlightenment while on earth. 2 ways how these things are possible: it seems like there are different kinds of mahasamadhis. Apparently, some who do mahasamadhi stay around in the astral. From there they can affect us (as well as all people who died a normal death). If you are psychic, you can hear and see them. They can give you advice and transmissions. Those who do full mahasamadhi are conpletely gone Thoughtforms. Santa Claus is a real astral entity. Humanity created it by thinking about it and putting emotions into it. You can look up thought forms and egregors (tulpas, servitors), to learn more. Because people keep thinking about famous deceased people, there are thoughtforms of them on the astral. They can help and interact with you in the same way as the real person could. But they are usually weaker.

Yeah. The Law of One material, if you accept its premise, totally blows up the ideas frequently bandied about on this forum and those of conventional nonduality teachings. I mean, sure, you have "Zen Devilry" ("enlightened rogues") but that's typically considered a passing stage on the way to full enlightenment. But here the fundamental premise is that you can be enlightened yet Service-To-Self (i.e. control/power as opposed to love-others-oriented. The split is 95% to self for the first and 51% to others for the second.) Now, most spiritual seekers and enlightened people are, in my experience, Service-To-Others oriented. But definitely not everyone.

Ask people you trust, whether friends or parents or whomever what your shadow is, or you can put it in terms of "what part of myself do I neglect or suppress or project?" Then listen to them. It's going to be uncomfortable as hell to accept their input without inner resistance. If you feel that resistance, then you are resisting information about the shadow. I gotta be honest, though. There's only a limited amount of shadow work that will happen until you reach FULL enlightenment. The I-thought is in the way, it attaches itself to your conditioned personality parts too easily. (Not that you needn't try, just be modest in your expectations.)

You could, or you could not. Shinzen Young is experimenting with some badass brain-busting technology. There's a possibility that with the convergence of exponential technology over the next few decades, we may start to see a hyper-accelerated path to full enlightenment that doesn't involve psychedelics or traditional meditation techniques. We'll see.

One thing I can criticize is his insistence that enlightened masters who don't tell you literally all of everything haven't reached "full enlightenment" yet, and therefore don't understand reality on a sufficient level to be noteworthy. Just because a master doesn't tell you about machine elves, strange loops and you being god, that doesn't mean they're not fully aware of the true scope of things and the true depth of reality. The reason for staying silent on these issues is twofold, first, you don't want to disturb quote unquote normal people, because everyone on the unenlightened side of things is doing a very delicate dance and balancing it out perfectly. If you fill their minds with esoteric knowledge they are liable to misunderstand it or misuse it which can knock them off balance. They need to be gently and correctly guided to truth instead by removing concepts instead of adding them. And second, they are perfectly aware that this knowledge cannot be simply downloaded into English or some other human language, so what would be the point of discussing it anyway? Experiencing it is the way, and the only way. There's a reason why this knowledge is often called "hidden knowledge". It's because no matter how much you describe it, you can't do it justice. Truth of reality is subtle and extraordinary, and while talking about the most potent truths can be engaging and fun, it can never lead to truth. Each master, if they're a real master, has a certain game they play and I have no doubt that some can influence you just by being close to you physically and if their game is subtlety, then that should be respected. After all the truth of reality is subtle and often read between the lines. That's not to say there's not a lot of phony gurus out there, I just think everyone who doesn't teach the highest esoteric knowledge should be immediately discarded as one. You can recognize a great master when they teach in such a way that their teaching is relevant on both the lowest and the highest level of student's spiritual development. Same words with different contexts can have drastically different effects. Don't get me wrong though, have been a fan for years. Much love

Yes. If everyone was at an advanced enough stage of enlightenment it would be as if the earth was one giant collective consciousness. Think of the ideal family who's values align so perfectly that there is never any issues. Now extend that family to everyone on the planet. At an advanced enough stage of enlightenment, all resistance to what is ceases. The duality between selfishness and selflessness is shattered. The idea of doing anything to harm another person seems ridiculous. The idea of taking from others to suit yourself seems counterproductive, because everyone IS you. Once you realize your groundless nature and your identity becomes completely fluid, it makes more sense to abide as the entire earth rather than as an individual. You don't have to tell someone not to cut off their own arm haha. Anyone who claims "full" enlightenment doesn't come with complete morality simply hasn't reached a high enough stage of enlightenment. Enlightenment is different for everyone though. Morality is simply one aspect of awakening, just like an awakening into equanimity, infinite intelligence, or nothingness.

@Leo Gura 2 things: 1. Am I the only dreamer on this physical plane? Or is everyone dreaming up their own reality in an infinite amount of parallel universes? I assume you don't believe that the other people are empty shelves. Awakening certainly seems like reality is a dream, and I (ego) tried to change the dream, that of course doesn't work for me. The I that dreams, is this a collective dream where everyone influences a certain part of the dream, or does every soul just dreams something else? 2. If the dream ends when you die, you shouldn't take precautions about your own death, no need to tell your family good bye, no need to keep a small (or big) inheritance for your children. Physical death might not be stopping the collective dream either. So it's either this physical plane is Gods dream limiting itself to this character within the dream, or God limits itself to all the separate entities within the dream. Now Leo claims that it is possible to consciously manipulate the dream, but isn't that what is already happening. The I that wants to manipulate the dream is always part of the dream that is dreamt by the higher self. So this would explain why it's not possible for the dream character to lucid dream, it's just possible for the awakened I. But the awakened self doesn't want anything, it already has everything it wants right? So full enlightenment might not make you so okay with the dream that you don't even desire/think to change the dream, because the lower self would have to be perfectly aligned with the higher self.

Well, i am not enlightened but i noticed that I had several profound insights in my self-inquiry journey that affected permanently how I experience Reality. Sometimes people talk and teach about enlightenment as it is a binary thing, one moment you are lost in Maya and the next moment BOOM, full enlightenment, you are God. In my experience, it can be slow and gradual with peak experiences along the way.

The ending to this is the sound of full enlightenment, I want this track played at my cremation if that's how I decide to go out

I agree with @electroBeam that when you are full enlightened you must leave your body. Otherwise you are like masters and teachers, you still see the truth or you are very close to it but you still have to believe in a body, etc... even if you say "I am not a body or mind, etc etc"... Because full enlightenment is when GOD reaches the point that it comes back totally to the source and then it begins again in an infinite loop. What I am not sure is what you are saying about being afraid of something that GOD doesn't know. Maybe I am wrong, but I always considered GOD and TRUTH ALL KNOWING. But I can be deluded too... Anyway this post is really powerful. And it makes us think and contemplate crazy ideas that the ego doesn't like. :-)

Iv'e dabbled in the mystical writings of various religious traditions and many accounts of the ancient mystics from the past and I wonder is it possible that one can be both extremely religious and pious, if not fanatical to one's traditional faith and be fully enlightened? Someone like John of the cross comes to mind. Reading accounts of his life he seems to have lead a very intense contepmlative life but was also loyal to the Catholic church. So are religious traditions a viable path for full enlightenment?

isn't it good to do musterbation After full enlightenment,? is musterbation make sober?

I should mention that a lot of people claim enlightenment when they're in fact deluding themselves. Enlightenment is what I was describing, and it is incredibly difficult to achieve. A lot of people think they have conquered fear for good, but when you test them you will find that they're full of fears and attachments. It's also important to mention that by no means I am claiming enlightenment. I am still a pitiful fearful human being with a stupid deluded closed-mind. Full openness requires literally insane amount of courage. That's full enlightenment.

I think it's possible. But I also think you will eventually surrender it. Full enlightenment, paradoxically, is too good to keep for yourself. So you will share it by creating infinite others. God is so selfless that God cannot bask in full enlightenment forever, hence creating the finite world. Ta-da! How do you think you got here??? Or maybe you are such a selfish prick that you will just stay in full enlightenment forever

Don't you think that full enlightenment is possible? Like you become so aware of the dream that you consciously envision the dream? Without the forgetting part. Before my ego death, I dreamed that some beings said Happy birthday to me. Now it makes sense why, omg.

@Persipnei But i feel like full enlightenment means physical death automatically. Is that the actual point of this? To prepare you for the death? Oh boy

Hey all, two days ago I had a spectacular awakening experience on 300 mcg of LSD which made all of my previous ego death trips look like mere foreplay in comparison. At its peak, it really did feel like full "Enlightenment", like a complete falling away of the veil --- like I just solved the riddle of existence and there's nothing left to do or achieve after this! Now, the thing is that I have been feeling pretty low and agitated lately; just two weeks ago, the person who I used to regard as my very best friend and - to use a somewhat sappy expression - spiritual companion in this current phase of my life told me in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want anything to do with me from now on. Needless to say, this left me feeling crushed. However, I feel like this "unfortunate" event and the resulting inner turmoil has been the very thing that gave my LSD trip such an intensely transcendent quality; it truly made me aware of the powerful emotional undercurrents that run my entire life and keep me perpetually stuck in ego mode -- and it also showed me that all of this personal pain and turmoil is just a stream of karma that's running along like a river through eternity and will eventually flow back into the sea of infinite consciousness; there is really nothing else to do but to let it run its course! To be clear, I would advise everyone who is starting out with psychedelics to only trip whenever they're feeling halfway secure and good about themselves; "better safe than sorry" is certainly a good guide line if you're a psychedelic newbie. But now that I do have a couple of acid trips under my belt, it seems to me that tripping when you're in a comparatively "bad state" can actually have the potential to supercharge your trip and give it that certain edge that might be necessary for you to truly transcend the ego. What do others think about this? Are there any fellow psychonauts here who have made similar experiences?

Hes not asking if you should speculate if someone is enlightened or not. He probably knows that already its silly to care. If someone is claiming full blow enlightenment nothing wrong with speculating. @sausagehead I like this guy a lot he seems like a good hearted dude and me and him have some very similar personality traits and both make wacky videos about counciness. However he is making some bold claims, that he is fully enlightened in a very short amount of time. I think he def has had some kind of awakening but I don't think he's even close to fully enlightened but then again my bench mark for full enlightenment is very high. As shinzen young said 3 months of none stop torture without one moment of suffering. I don't think frank would last a day. But I could very well be wrong and I hope for his sake I am. Much love and respect to him tho he is doing some great things and is highly creative

Hello actualized forum! Its been a little while since being semi active here, but I'm happy to be back with something to share. I remember seeing many wonderful meditation, retreat, and trip reports here that offered me some valuable help and encouragement at times and would be delighted if I am able to offer some encouragement, aid, or at the very least provide some momentary entertainment : ) I will be trying to relate the trip as it was experienced and in the context that I understood it, because of this there will be decent amount of reference to a work known as the Law of One; for no other reason then it was the context from which much of my experience was interpreted. Ive read many spiritual works but for whatever reason my brain chose this one to give context to my experiences, it is very true that I have frequently found its framework applicable and useful for understanding reality around me so that definitely played a role in why my brain picked that context. The terminology borrowed from it should be self explanatory enough for a reader to understand without being familiar with the work if they are somewhat familiar with other metaphysical jargon. But for those interested I'll leave a few links here. For a fairly succinct yet comprehensive overview and introduction I'd recommend Aaron Abke's series about the law of one on Youtube, heres a link to first episode of that series: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seaJcY0kXjk&t=2s. And for those who wish to engage more fully with the material the entire work is available for free online, link: https://www.lawofone.info/ Before getting started I would like to ask that readers first read this quote that sums up well my concerns with posting this report and agree before diving in "we would ask that each of you that listens to or reads these words use your discrimination and your powers of discernment to decide that which is helpful to you and that which is not interesting. Let those words of ours which do not rouse your interest slide by without a second thought. Focus on those concepts you feel may be helpful. If you will take the responsibility of using that discrimination we shall relax and not be concerned with the possibility of infringing upon your free will or interrupting the rhythm of your spiritual walk. We thank you for this consideration." Trip report: I had been in the months previous feeling a strong urge to trip again. It had been about a year since my last big trip, which is usually about how long is required for me to digest and attempt to embody or ground the ethereal themes and lessons of a intense trip using the medium of everyday life and various spiritual practices . By now I had new questions and new roadblocks I was struggling with, as well as feeling a strong need for a renewal of inspiration, and found my self praying often for insight, clarity, and aid reorganizing my perceptions and beliefs, I was feeling a bit lost. I was still full of faith I was on the path that was right for me but I was becoming somewhat discouraged and frustrated with my progress, ignorance, and the stubbornness of many challenges. I had obtained the LSD totally unexpectedly and spontaneously earlier that day and was trying to figure out how I wanted proceed. I had 10 tabs of 150 ug, roughly, with lsd its always ballpark range and the source wasn't even confident with that figure to begin with, but basically it was strong stuff, I wouldn't be surprised if they were actually 200ug tabs. Logically the timing wasn't right, for one my room was somewhat messy, and I prefer to intentionally prepare for at least a week or so before trips. I had been in a pretty challenging headspace for awhile, and setting wasn't ideal, just at my apartment with a roommate due to come home from work later. None of the conditions made sense for the trip to happen that night but i had this really intense internal push and this feeling of rightness, I couldn't shake it. I went back and forth for a few hours and by now it was getting really late into the evening, which was just another reason not to go for it tonight even though I'm typically a late night owl, but the internal push and feeling of rightness was getting more intense and before I knew it I had pinched off 2 tabs and they where in under the tongue, no turning back now, this was roughly around 10:30 pm. My room was still messy so I decided to go into a quick cleaning frenzy while I awaited take off, to some good tunes of course. I'm rather experienced with this chemical and can gauge the intensity of a trip by the speed of the come up, It was 20 min in when my visuals were slightly misbehaving and my body felt interesting to the degree that I could tell it was going to be a intense trip, in the neighborhood of ego death but I didn't feel like it was going to cross that line, I really needed to cross that line however so I debated eating 1 more tab as I continued to clean. My emotions where still in the challenging headspace they had been in for the past while but the feelings I was struggling with were getting thicker, intense boredom and disinterest, a screeching apathy, frustration with my consuming desire to find the divine in tandem with my perceived lack of agency to effect that outcome and ability to find it. Quick sidenote for any inexperienced psychonauts reading, it is highly recommended to not trip with a heavily challenging internal setting until you are very comfortable in your ability to surrender, whatever your holding inside is amplified by psychedelics, you become hyper conscious of it, which can be a fantastic way to get to the root of difficult issues quickly but if the negative intensity isn't surrendered to and is instead resisted things go south very quickly and sometimes in dramatic fashion. Basically I could tell this was going to be a challenging trip, but that feeling of rightness was still present. About 40-50 min in my room was about clean to my satisfaction and the visuals and body load was steadily increasing, It was time for a nice long walk, I popped a third tab and was on my way outside. I took a familiar trail through the back of a nice neighborhood until reaching my secret path through the bushes and out to the train tracks where I could get some space, privacy, and view a landscape with less development and more nature. As I walked the internal pressure and challenging emotions just kept build and building. I was wearing headphones playing some vibey music which was progressively sounding more intricate and beautiful and the visuals were becoming fairly fantastic, but that all seemed far far away and somewhat mundane, I didn't care, my sense of boredom with reality was amplified to a titanic almost cartoonish degree, pffht pretty lights huh.. whatever, who cares. It will be relevant for later, near the end, to note now that the sky was smoked over from all the wildfires and only the moon was partly visible. I had reached the train tracks and walked down them for a ways, but the body load was getting pretty intense and I could tell walking just wasnt really gonna work well for much longer so I found a nice sitting rock and plopped down facing a open field with one building under development in view but it was a fairly scenic view regardless. At this point the visuals were becoming very intense, it was becoming difficult to understand what I was looking at, about as intense I can ever remember having them but surprisingly I could care less, I was utterly uninterested in them. The internal pressure had become immense. I still had enough sense composed to remember to set my intentions for the trip at this point, what would I like to explore, what do I need? I had a strong intellectual grasp of oneness, but where was it? I wanted to experience oneness like I experience sight or sound, I wanted to know it in my bones. Next was a opposite problem, I had a few peak experiences of unconditional love but i didn't understand it at all. What were the mechanics, how can I do it? I understand relative love but how does one just open the faucet, how can someone like Jesus just love every single stranger or how do you love perceived evil? Just intellectually understanding that you should because of oneness and understanding that it ultimately is for the evolution towards perfection isn't enough to actually do it. And lastly I wanted to be free from deeply embedded conditioning that just wouldn't go away, particularly shame and judgement. They were so deeply and heavily instilled in me as a child raised in a religious upbringing, and even though I understood the mechanics in and out, could clearly see their folly and unreality, even could trace it to particular instances of their relative traumatic instillation in childhood, they still stubbornly would persist and rear their head again and again every time I was sure I had them conquered. Luckily setting these intentions was effective even without my usual week of preparation because this stuff was so intensely heavy on my mind throughout the year enough that I was primed to explore that direction without the extra preparation. Without realizing or barely noticing I had turned off my music and set my headphones aside. The internal pressure was extraordinary now, at a exploding point. I could feel my ego being pulverized into oblivion, extreme hopelessness, tangible feeling of dying, but there was still some recognition that it was a ego that was being pulverized not me so there was also a calm resignation, I had been here before enough to know there was no point resisting, time to just lie back and die. It continued like that for awhile until the pressure couldn't get anymore intense and then finally the pop. I could hear a sound, first just bubbling up then slowly it broke into wild fits, Its laughter, Im laughing, It's all just a big joke. It's so blindingly obvious now, there is no person here but yet there I am, everywhere. The feeling of "me" stops ending at the edge of my skin and now spills over into everything( or everything into me?). I become the god mind and through those eyes see everything crystal clear. Visuals are going absolutely wild, flashing, swirling, whirling. I can't tell if my eyes are open or closed, I cant tell if I even have eyes, and I don't care even a lick, open or shut, eyes or no eyes, I can see, I can finally see. I AM, I just AM, and the concept of anything else is impossible. Infinity unending, One giant eternal being. Thoughts race by, if you can call them thoughts anymore, you can't, but its the best word I have. Im flying through my library of intellectual learnings about reality, only now it wasn't just stuff in my head from a book etc, I could actually see it, I was it. Particularly what I learned from study of the Law of One was illuminating. The 7 densities of consciousness? That and so much more beyond, infinitely more. Yes I immaculately planned out each and every step, for myself. I became aware of my old ego as a small fraction of myself interacting with my bigger self all for the experience of knowing itself. Wild laughter now. Bliss Oh beautiful wonderful bliss. I had created reality for myself, buy why? FOR LOVE!!! Love was the most (more?) true expression of what I was (easier to explain towards the end). I am wonderful, Perfect in all imperfections, imperfections were obvious illusions only serving to point to greater perfection. Just as a devotee offers up their very being in love of god, god creates all of reality in love for them. Still my sense of being had no boundary, my eyes still closed, I could see( sense?) a bug crawling next to my body, It was me, It too was infinitely loved and it had a reality crafted just for it, purely out of love. My laughter grew more ecstatic. It wasn't just love, No one emotion is big enough for what we are, and we are capable of feeling a infinite amount of emotions at once, each at full intensity without diminishing other emotions. A wild bliss, a giggling mischievous playfulness. This was fun!! Oh we are so huge, so infinite. It was a unending ever shifting delight finding new ways to experience ourselves, new ways to become ourselves, but first, infinite ways to trick ourselves. To throw up shifting shadows upon the wall, pretending to be separate, to really believe in all that toil and trouble all that fear and sorrow, for a brief moment. And then to a playful melody, bit by bit, let pieces of truth arrange the shadows in a infinite miraculous ways that reveal the hand casting them, your own hand, and to wake back up in the most fresh and brilliant ways. Having really fallen for our own trick of separateness we get have a ever renewing and infinite variety of discovering and experiencing ourselves and myriad of ever deepening ways. There was a deep sense that everything was indescribably perfect and designed with endless compassion, that the pain and fear experienced in the game of seperatness was always just what it needed to be in order to experience a totality of perfection in a greater bigger picture, and what in the smaller picture looks like gods cruelty and neglect is in the greater more true picture vast loving compassion, no shortcuts no cutting corners, only the best will do for you, you want it this way. It is similar to a parent and a child going through potty training. To the child it may seem like great cruelty went the parent stops cleaning the mess and makes the child struggle and suffer to obtain sovereign independence over the process to the point where there is no mess made for the child suffer from, in the greater picture if the parent never let the child become independent that would be a true cruelty. There was awareness that separateness was just one of many stages or games we played with ourselves. It was the hide and seek stage, everyone understands in a almost primal way the great fun of a good game of hide and seek as a child, so to of course does god. Here my attention changed focus and just as I had seen the bug in my minds eye I could also see all the human other selves, lost, fearing themselves, fearing the shadows on the wall. They too were just "me"& I loved them so dearly. I could see how the bigger self was always trying to comfort and caress them but they slapped the attempts away in wild fear, and the bigger self respecting his own free will waited patiently. I just wanted to comfort them and sing "All is well". But I could also see that all is indeed well and that they were perfectly placed in a perfect plan and that even then everything was molded into reality specifically just for them in just the right way for their own infinitely expanding and ultimately joyous journey. They were me after all and nothing but the best would do, even if it was very challenging. I had a distinct feeling, like a message for the old ego I used to be and would return too, that I was not to try to forcefully let anyone in on the secret, on the unity, unless they asked of course, with words or with the wordless desire that shines from a genuine seeker, that it would be rather bad sport to try and rush their game, it was already perfectly tuned and not to spoil any grand finales and glorious peaks of clear sighted ecstacsy before their time. For little self to stay out of big self's way as to say, I also got the sense that it wouldn't work anyway if i tried but that it certainly would play out less then harmoniously. I Could understand that loving wisdom was to know but to not let anybody else know that you know, Just play your cards correctly with a wink and playful grin. Maybe a assurance that everything will be okay, if needed. Next my attention moved to understanding the service to self vs service to others polarity and as a unintended consequence I also got resolution on understanding the odd and seemingly negatively polarized connections and undercurrents behind the mundane world's happens that I had been becoming increasingly aware of in those times hitherto that I turned my attention to the world stage. Which was more often then usual of late in the interesting year that 2020 has been. Ok, brief interlude here before continuing, I hesitated on wither or not to include this part in the trip report, as the exciting but ultimately less important elements of it may likely be weighted with a improper emphasis compared to more important understandings about the self that can be gleaned from it, but their are valuable understanding about polarity ahead as well so I have decided to share. Although before we proceed Id like to emphasis the quote from the beginning asking that you take only what is helpful to you, using discernment, and leave the rest. I will not be trying to convince anyone and will be staying vague about some details to honor free will, so dont try to start arguments over this please, if you get that urge just leave that part behind and only carry what feels useful. Ok moving on with the trip now. Beyond the vast multitudes of other self I saw trapped in fear there was a great and majestic being. My sense of them seemed to shimmer and dance, they were intoxicating, glimmering and dazzling, and beckoning as if they had something I didn't, a secret that maybe they would let me in on. My clarity however was no longer perfect I couldn't perceive what that secret could be, gods eyes had withdrawn slightly from me although i was still perceiving vastly more then my normal perception, In hindsight I realize my ego needed to be present for this part, although its brief return was stealthy and I didn't notice until after it faded again. The great majestic being continued to dance overwhelming me with magnificence, it clearly wanted to me to follow, the message was clear, do you behold my majesty? come closer, follow me and i can teach you how to shine like no other. Telling me that with them I could be greater, that none would compare to me, that I could blaze with majesty so as to be as hard to behold as the sun. I was momentarly very confused and, I must admit, quite tempted. Being fresh from experiencing reality from the eyes of the infinite creator I could not deny that this being exemplified much of those qualities. It was magnificent, yet playful, vast and glorious, but there was just something off, something I couldn't put my finger on. I could feel pressure to choose something, to follow, but as is my nature I began to obsess on the thing shrouded in ignorance, what was it that I couldn't put my finger on? I must know and I wasn't going to budge from that spot until I understood. Then realization hit me like lightning. Why this being felt different then the presence that was looking through my eyes earlier. What could it have for me that wasn't already there? We are literally the same eternal being how can I gain anything from it that wasn't already present? The difference in presence was this being was like a black hole, drawing all into itself with its magnificence, where the presence that I experienced earlier was radiant like the sun with its magnificence, freely giving, not some here and some there but just bathing all in unity with its love. After realizing this some portion of clarity returned but not as much as before, I could clearly see that this being had the same beingness or substratum as the rocks besides me or as the great many other selfs trapped in the thick cocoons of fear. Then I saw from the many selves trapped in fear was flowing a energy ( maybe attention I think), this energy flowed from the fear cocoons and was drawn in a great swirling vortex towards and adsorbed into the greater being that was tempting me. Then their was this knowing realization that this great being was ,to its own unawares, about to have a graduation of sorts. Then a realization that while this was a great cosmic event in some perspectives that in the biggest most zoomed out picture this great beings climatic drama was no less important then the journeys of all the many souls agonizing in their fear cocoons and being fed upon, I felt a deep saddness and desire to comfort them. The great being was beckoning still and offering to teach and I felt like I was at a cross roads. To make my own separateness sparkle or to help comfort those other selves lost amid the great play. I figured whatever that great being had I had to have it as well and didn't need him to find it, we were really the same eternal being ultimately after all, and that id rather seek the infinite creator in my own way while doing my best to help alleviate the vast suffering in whatever small measure I could. As soon as I made this choice a weight faded and full clarity returned again for a time, I could see from gods eyes more fully again. I saw clearly then some mechanics of the service to self and service to others selves polarities. Firstly they were both correct and true although I would say one has a trueness that is a order or magnitude higher then the other( ill try to explain this at the end) Wither one seeks the glory of the infinite creator in ones own self only or in other selves as well, they are correct, it is indeed glorious, infinite, and worthy of all praise and adoration. For a moment try and think of the path of evolution towards perfection of self as one mountain with many paths up to the summit. The main difference between service to self vs service to other selves is really only that of difficulty when all is ultimately said and done. Service to other selves involves freeing oneself from the darkness of separation and seeing all beings as their own beloved self, for where else can authentic service arise but out of a genuine perception that to aid another is to aid oneself, it is literal selfishness just seen with correct perception. For service to others is like climbing that mountain of growth with many paths in such a way that you seek to drop all weight (darkness ignorance, etc)and link arms with your fellows and bear each other up the road. Service to self however is similar but with a important distortion, a service to self entity is not ignorant per say of the underlying unity, they are not dumb and have full access to wisdom, but preferring to maintain that last thin strip of darkness they choose to see separation, having had full taste of both the light and the darkness, they prefer to walk in the dark. While maintaining this strip of darkness they authentically perceive that to serve ones self is to serve the creator, and they are not wrong per say. Theirs is to walk that mountain of growth with many paths in such a way that they decide to keep their weights thinking them to be useful and to set off on the path alone fighting off any who get near, of course the fighting off and carrying of all this extra weight is more difficult then it would otherwise be and their own energy is not sufficient to bear them to the summit. Becoming malnourished, they wait on the side of the road for another unsuspecting self to wander past, to which they then pounce upon and attempt to commandeer their resources for themselves and thereby continue on their journey to the summit. To say it another way I saw then when one dispels darkness completely and puts their attention steadfastly upon the unity of all things, they gain acess to a infinite supply of energy freely given from Self to self, because by perceiving yourself as one with that infinite energy it becomes yours because it truly is yours. While service to self entities do perceive their own unity with the infinite creator they maintain the strip of darkness not percieving the unity of other self with the infinite creator ( although they do understand it on a intellectual level) and thus they do not gain full access or identification with infinity, this leaves their own energy insufficient for infinite growth, they become like the parasite of nature, needing to siphon and commandeer the energy of others selves to continue forward. However in the case of that great being I witnessed feeding upon the beings of the earth, I interpreted the feeling of it being a graduation drama as that being having reached the pinnacle of growth possible without love, or the full unshrouded perception of other self as the self. And unawares to itself, it was about to shatter its own carefully maintained strip of darkness by merit of its own growth and progression. It fully believing it had been successful in its attempt to make the unreal real, believing that it really could be separate. Having sought to clothe its separateness in all the sparkling glory of infinite creation, that it could really become a second source, a second infinity. But it had a blind spot, it still had to suffer from fear, like the other selves upon which it fed it too had a fear cocoon, Its fear cocoon was thin and vast it was almost imperceptible but still it was a finite container, not infinity. It could not see its own cocoon because it did not want to see, this not wanting to see being a mechanic of all fear and its only means of survival for it can never survive the light of clarity. It still feared that the perception of other selfs as being its own very self would be necessary for further progression, which would make it impossible for it to fed off of them with untouchable callousness. Upon its graduation that fear would be realized. It having become too great to become any greater without bursting the finite edges of its carefully maintained darkness. After gaining the eyes of full clarity that being would no longer be able to continue the harvesting of others and would have to reverse polarity in order to continue its growth. Looking at it myself now from the eyes of infinity again, I felt many emotions at the same time all in fullness. Pride, I was proud of that being, they were a fool but a great fool, they had grown so much, through so much anguish and through such a difficult road, and it truly did sparkle with glory. Humor, it was a incredibly rich joke, god has a endless sense of humor, the Irony was exquisite, they thought they had won, and they really had, just not in the way they thought they would. At the pinnacle of its separateness and glory the next step towards growth would bring the whole illusion crumbling down as its prize was to see the throne of tortured souls upon which it sat as non other then itself, with no more option of darkness to cover it for it had become too great to fool even if it was trying to fool itself. And compassion and sorrow, eagerness to comfort the trapped souls and nudge them gently bit by bit into their own progress, and eagerness for that great being to also drop its immense suffering and come back into the fullness of light, God had not forgotten about any of them even for a second and was patiently waiting to sound the bell and again declare all is well. Before wrapping up I will try to explain what a meant by love and service to others having a greater "trueness". How can multiple things be true but one have a greater trueness then the other? If one thing is real yet if its realness depends upon something more fundamental in order to be and cant be without the more fundamental ascpect then it can be said the the more fundamental aspect is more true and that the other is a distortion of the light or a illusion of sorts. Another way to explain is by degenerating iterability, upon each cycle of iteration it degenerates or suffers entropy and eventually must reach a point where it can iterate no more revealing its illusionary nature. Anything of a illusionary nature must get its "realness" from something more fundamental, your beingness is the most fundamental thing possible so all illusions ultimately sustain themselves using your attention, you give them reality. So if one steadfastly puts their attention into their own nature they pass through and disillusion all the "shadows on the wall" cast by their own hand, finding only the eternal I AM. The feeling of this eternal I AM is bliss and love( unless their is some even more deep and more amazing expression yet unknown to me) That is the most fundamental reality. Fear, negativity, separateness will always just be temporary games played upon a more fundamental ground, they can not be other then illusion. In way of wrapping up ill share a beautiful universe wink that was gifted to me after returning back to my normal ego. About a week prior to this trip I had been walking the same path and standing upon the same train tracks listening to a wonderful Youtube channel by the name of Brain Scott doing a video on understanding the higher self from the changelings of Quo. The material was really resonating with me and at one point, someone had some question on direct communication with the higher self and the response what anything is possible its literally you from the future so to say, so they wont do anything that would infringe upon its own (your) free will as they of all people know how important that is to growth, but went on to say that within those bounds anything is possible they could even make the stars dance by way of communication if you believed it was truly possible for them to do so. I was in a very loose mood that night and in a embarrassing flight of fancy I asked exactly that to put the theory to the test. I liked the idea of a higher self but never had any interaction or reason to give the idea any substance. I meditated for a second to give my self a fair shot at believing it was possible and literally asked to see the stars dance and know it was from my higher self.... yea nothing. I was in truth a bit disappointed but seeing as the free will clause was included I consoled myself that it didn't necessary disprove it, resigned myself to ignorance on the topic and I went home. Fast forward a week back to my trip on that smoky night. The visions or eyes of clarity or however you call such a phenomena was dying down and I was coming down from that intense peak. It was probably around 2-3 am at that point. I found, had a normal enough sense of ego and having a body again to move, and so I walked up and down the tracks listening to music and trying to digest overwhelming experience I just had. I walked for about a hour until I felt like a could interact somewhat properly with my roommates should I have to upon returning home. Went home grabbed a new water bottle, wrote a poem, and read a few chapters of the book I was reading ' apprenticed to a Himalayan master, a yogi's autobiography' by Sri M while I waited for my phone to charge so I could have music when I went out for another walk ( I cant be kept indoors long while tripping). After all that I set out again, maybe roughly 4:30 am at this point. I felt much more put back together by this point although the visuals were still roaring and I was still drenched in bliss, now very appreciative of the vast splendor before me. I make it back to that same spot on the train track, the same spot I had the "vision" and the same spot I prayed to the higher self a week prior, without thinking to do it first, as I was absorbed in the landscape, I happened to finally look up. The smokey sky was now completely clear and pristine and before my eyes was a something truly spectacular that I will never forget as long as I live, a unending vast ocean of stars brilliant beyond words.... and they were dancing right before my eyes. I had not thought about my silly request once since making it but now it came rushing back to my mind and I wept tears of pure gratitude. As a parting farewell Id like to share the poem I wrote that night. I wish you all the very best and hope you enjoyed the trip report : ) Ever soaked with that precious feeling, the up welling ground of that all knowing & all being A beautiful pure tone over a eternal heart beat All is well All is well A up and down forever swell but All is well All is well Bonus material : When I returned from my second walk my PC was on Youtube, as I had watched a music video right before leaving. And a video titled: Full enlightenment happening live( 1st time in human history), was the first video suggested. The title tickled me so I gave it a watch. Great idea, great inspiration, I had been in a slump where where my personal practice had gotten a bit lazy due to feeling quite discouraged that it too difficult to walk this journey full force while fighting off all the heavy influences of society. But here was this frank guy who used to be a bodybuilder who pulled ridiculous stunts in public for attention, such as having sex in the street and arguing with a female monk about her repressed desires on a public transport in his underwear. As the video shows he had progressed incredibly far in 5 years of intense mindfulness practice, huge transformation. I found this incredibly inspiring and found my motivation to break through my own plateau in meditation rejuvenated. Here's a link to that video if anyone is interested. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4t8KvdMtT4A Here's some vibey songs that played on my second walk that I found very delicious, for anyone randomly looking for some new tunes Love by andrew appelpie Good Swim by Thalab Forgiven by Jim-E Stack comatose by Low hum Air by s. lyre underwaterfall by bearcubs pale blue dot by big wild Tiferet by lsdream Those who are familiar with the law of one may get a kick out of this: the tabs I took had pictures of a radiant sun on them ; )

"The greatest wisdom and growth lies with where you least want to look." - Paraphrasing Jordan Peterson September 6th, 2020. Intention: What is death? Last trip was 1.0g of a stem. This trip is 1.5g with a stem and a cap. Now caps are said to be more potent. So I was wary about adding an additional 0.5 grams, along with it being a cap. This is my second trip on Psycadellics. My body and mind is in great fear. But my intuition is playing to win. So I continue on with the trip. 1.5 g of psilocybin Melmac magic mushrooms. Melmac, AKA P.E. , "Penis Envy" mushrooms, are said to be bred for potency. So they're highly potent. Taken via Lemon tek. (soaked in lemon juice) +++ The trip report goes as follows: >Something with an arrow is more of an after the fact commentary. Something without an arrow is documentation while in the trip. +++ >Meditated in the morning for 20 minutes. >Sliced up some watermelon. Got some bananas, got my waters, and a puke bucket. Taken at 11:15 A.M. Last time I danced before the come up, this time I ran before taking it, and then danced before the come up. Realizing what I put myself into, I immediately start becoming more authentic and singing boom de yada, I'm ready to surrender, my intuition tells me. Yeah I should have contemplated death consciously before going into this trip, but I'll be ready for next time. As I should have contemplated intuition sober before my last trip but I didn't. Going to my trips from now on, I will make sure that I contemplate before the trip to then contemplate it while on the trip. I will have plenty of time to do that because my trip right here right now is going to be my last one for a little while because I'm going on a juice fast. 11:20 So far my hands are looking good, the last time they were looking real foreign. I'm noticing the shake in my hands when I quickly turn it around using my arm and wrist. The lemon Tek was soaking for about 45 minutes. I noticing a subtle change in cognition while I'm singing and dancing to the song boom de yada. Subtle forms of regret but also to overpower that with full confidence and surrender. I'm in this now, welcome to the ride. Enjoy. I'm interested in seeing how the trip will come up and up and up in waves. That was the most surreal thing from the last trip, so I'm preparing for that right now. I fully surrender. I give my love out to the world. 11:24 Starting to notice the subtle discolorations in my hand, visual perception is slowly creeping in to increase. Noticing my brain being more connected, Sensations in my brain. I already forgot what I was going to say. Based. I wonder, should I contemplate while I'm getting into the come up, or contemplate while I'm more at the peak? 11:31 I remember that subtle feeling in my chest of sinking down, I'm expecting that. That was last trip, that was my call to surrender. I have affirmed to myself, Everything is Beautiful, Everything Is Love. Subtle tingling in my left arm and hand. 11:40 Because I didn't contemplate before this trip, I'll know the difference for from this time to next time when I contemplate before the trip while sober. My pupils are becoming wider. 11:44 In the present moment. The most subtle movement in my vision. 11:46 Colours more vibrant. It's coming. Subtle nausea. Weird feeling. Anticipating the sinking chest. Vision ability increased. Here we fucking go. 11:50 Mental SHIFT. Watch me be on my twentieth trip and be like "meh". Nausea increased. The body is in a different state of feeling. Going into a trance, sleepy but not drowsy. 11:55 The floor is already several Rivers. Noticing detail that I never noticed before in these rubber mats. Just hit a peak. Noticing fear and anxiety, I must distinguish it with love because it is all love. There is great love coming through. 37 minutes in. Knowing this is only the start, I'm in for a treat. What is authenticity but a death of the self? Lots of yawning So much yawning. 11:58 Floor is moving again. It's pretty predictable to see how some things will move. 12:00 It's growing all over my prefrontal cortex and in my brain. I'm being so taken over. I'm yawning so much. Fingers are long and skinny. Thinking of funny memes. This is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. What did I just get myself into. LOL! I'm so fucking screwed. The ceiling is more clear. Still yawning like fucking crazy. Vision is blurry 12:07 Been having uncomfortable nausea and drowsiness. I just want it to go away, along with the fears of anxiety. Whatever the fuck this is, I Surrender. >I wasn't actually surrendering. 12:15 I was surprised by looking at my trip sitter's face, it was so intense that it freaked me the fuck out. Like turning a corner. I looked at my trip sitter and the focus was her eyes, and her eyes were so fucking big it was surreal. Like giant bug eyes. Really freaked me out. Crouched down in fear going "holy fuck". >See image for visual representation. It was only for half a second because it scared me so much, I looked away quickly. > Note to self: Tell my trip sitters to not look in my direction. Of course the Shadows are going to dance. God. >Shadows on the ceiling are dancing. Was pretty fuckin surreal /scary. Really hitting a peak. God fucking damn it I'm so scared to contemplate death. Entire body tingling. Holyshit. I'm expecting something crazy to happen and for it to hit me like a ton of bricks in an instant. Maybe that will be on a 5 MEO DMT trip. Everything is dancing. I wonder how long the peak and drop is. What's the tempo? Really resisting this trip. I think I must just face the Dragon. Else it will never end. Okay. > I was really having a hard time here, I guess a lot of people would call this point that I was experiencing a bad trip. But because of my research and understanding of psychedelics, there really is no such thing as a bad trip, that's just an interpretation you put upon something. But yeah this is kind of a bad trip, I was not enjoying this part at all. Uncomfortable as fuck. When you're in it though, you have a strange ability to just cope with the load you're given. You're kinda forced to. The shroom forces you. 12:24 I get why people say it's intense. Because you are in this reality now and it's so surreal and amazing, fantastical and magical. All of these positive affirmations are to protect myself. But what is the self? I don't think this feeling of fear is going to go away. I'm so foolish and childish to have set death as an intention. I guess I'm expecting to go somewhere else, but that's somewhere else is right here right now. > Right here, I was expecting to get hit like a ton of bricks in an instant and just go straight to Narnia I guess. This little ego is scared. > I say this to myself in a teasing tone because I'm having such a fucking hard time to surrender consciously. Over time, the mushroom ended up surrendering for me. Starting to forget how phones work. 12:32 Yep. ^^And that just made me burst into laughter. The ego will resist the whole way. Just be mindful! Fucking Christ. Yeah I am peaking hard right now. Arms and legs are so weird but they're so present. Definitely went in a trance. The paintings on the wall are fiercely pulsating. Vision is really fucking blurred, but blurred in a weird way. So surreal. Stomach bad feeling not going away. I'm not sure this is a bad trip or not. I don't think I'm enjoying it. But it's okay. It's all beautiful. >Self talk to keep me from freaking out, wasn't working. >At one point I was scared of my legs. >Having hallucinations of 2D image representations of centipedes when I close my eyes. They have neon turquoise outlines. 12:38 Noticing all the subtleties in everything, especially of my human body. A deep surrender must come from the inside. It is the hand that holds the ego. The higher self holds and encompasses the ego. 12:44 I become so desperate that I lie on the floor and give my love. I am remembering that it is okay to contemplate while lying on the floor. You don't have to be in a lotus position. What is death? What is life? Picking up on noticing the Ego. 12:53. I go in full crying. >Just roaring crying like I've never cried before. Full on tantrum like a 3 year old. I'm being purified. >My trip sitter comes down to try and comfort me, gives me a pillow and tissue to blow my nose because I asked her for a tissue. >I was whaling and sobbing in a crying fit stomach down on the floor and yelling "This ego doesn't want to die!" while clawing at the floor. >Imagine a 3 year old tantrum crying fit in a grown man's body. >I just needed to cry this out, I wish my trip sitter would've left me sooner to cry deeper, feeling like I've missed out on a deeper purification. She stayed there for basically my entire peak. Like 10 mins. But now that I think about it, she asked me some questions that allowed me to get in that crying purification fit in the first place. Going forward, I'll ask her to listen to me when I say "please leave". Give me a pillow and some tissue, and then leave. Her being there beside me, made me resist more because I didn't want to surrender with her around me. >Note to self: Tell my trip sitter to ask if I need anything, and if I say "NO!" to actually listen and promptly leave. My emotions came out to surface on the same level of my regular function. +++ >See attached image Diagram of Sober vs Peaking on Shrooms Sober is Suppression. Peaking on shrooms is expression. Orange represents your authentic emotions and desires. All of the shit you unconsciously and consciously suppress. Purple represents the many masks you wear, from the way you walk, talk, think and act. All just bullshit masks. While peaking, deep emotions come through no problem. +++ > At this point I could have been hallucinating, but I didn't notice because my head was basically looking at the floor while on the floor. And I was so enveloped in the emotion. So overpowered by the emotion, crying and stuff. 1 hour and 44 minutes in, this is the biggest peak I've had. The ego will claw until it can't. It will fight, fight, fight. That's what it is. I'm doing trauma work right here. Death is something I fear and cry about. Going on a psychedelic it is like going into EMDR therapy. You don't want to go but it's so worth it. You need to go in there and cry. I've just been purified. A purification is fully surrendering to your fears and realizing just what it is, objectively. Just full acceptance. 1:14 Getting a 3rd person view of this arm. That's why your hands and arms are so foreign. You're looking at these extremities as if it's the first time you're looking at them. From God's perspective. >They are skinny. Motherfucking Salad Fingers. (look up salad fingers) >You realize just how weird of an ape you are. All of your anxiety is fucking stupid. So fucking stupid. Just let the ego die for full Enlightenment to come through. >Let the higher self shine forth. Don't worry too much about surrendering, the shroom will do the surrendering for you. Whether you like it or not. You will eventually surrender. > it will beat you to a pulp. What's the difference between death and life? I need to contemplate this sober to give myself a solid foundation. I'm frustrated at this phone not picking up my voice properly when I put voice to text. Just like how a plant will grow, fruit and replant and then die and then be reborn again, When did it ever start to live in when did it ever stop? This body is just a continuation of the egg and sperm. I was never born, I was always born. I'm just now in this current form. +++ >See image Text in the pic, from left to right: " Infinity (representing that this chain goes on for infinity) What you call your life (vs what it actually is) Life - - - - - Death Where along this (infinite) chain is your actual birth & death? What you don't realize is that you ARE an/(the) infinite chain. Infinity (representing that this chain goes on for infinity) " Your being is an infinite chain of weaving in and out. >Imagine a grass-like plant growing, then fruiting, then the seed of the fruit falls, and replants itself. Then the old plant dies, while the new plant grows. And this chain goes on forever. Infinitely forward into the future, and infinitely backwards into the past. Instead of identifying with a single iteration of a plant, calling that your life, why not identify with the entire chain? ++++ 1:31 Death doesn't exist because what the fuck is it? You don't go anywhere, you just keep flowing. You're just a consciousness experiencing this human being, this Avatar, this vessel, to another. What. I am literally infinite. I'm crying so much. This is rapture. Nausea is completely gone. Death is not what you think it is, what a mind fuck. A beautiful mind fuck. You are like a hand clasping the tarantula. The hand being the higher self, the tarantula being the ego. The tarantula being upside down. A mind fuck isn't a bad thing. This stupid fucking ego fears this idea that it has created. >(The idea being death.) You have to face your fears, in order to finally get past that and take a look at what is. What is actually going on. You have your preconceived notion of what it is, and you just created a fear out of something you created, instead of looking at it objectively and having no fear at all. > You created the fear to prevent you from looking at it, because if you did look at your fears, you'd pull aside the curtain and realize that it is all a sham. > This ego created that fear of death to help its survival. It actually created the concept of death, and then created the fear of the concept! There is literally NOTHING Left to Fear. When you get past death, what the fuck else can scare you?! I'm going to die. And that's okay. It being okay is the fucked-up part. Once you face death there is literally nothing else to fear. 1:49 Reality is nothing but a bunch of surprises, gleefully and joyfully jumping out at you and surprising yourself. Reality is just a "fun ride". It always was. Just like that space astronaut meme. It always has been. >See image of the meme I made. >I am conscious that me being God is still held as a belief, a scaffolding built by Leo's lessons. I'm speaking to My Future Self, you need to continue to trip. It's so amazing and profound. Hey, yes, your ego will struggle, but just observe that, it's okay. Let the fear set in and let it break you down. I need you to keep tripping and to keep inquiring into the deepest parts of reality. Contemplate what is death while sober and then come back here on a psychedelic. I know you will fear coming back here. Just notice that. Everything is rapture. Get past your fear, and everything becomes rapture. The hallucinations and whatnot is the freaking out process to force you to surrender. I just did trauma work that I didn't even know that I had to do. You are freaked out until you cannot care no more. You'll be forced into a crying surrender. Reality rocks you until you surrender. It rocks you rudely, else you wouldn't listen. You would resist. >See image Imagine being scared by your own fucking legs. 2pm I believe that I have now passed the greatest Peak. All of reality and experience is coming waves up-and-coming waves down. >See image ++++ All shall pass. (as the saying goes, this too shall pass) All shall come (and go) Its a wave (a vibration) Like clouds, They come & go The BS The Traumas Your Experiences Your Memories The Music Your "Life" It flows in and out. Take note of the wave symbol being a reflection of your "life" going through time from left to right. >The emergence of all of the phenomenon you experience is as mysterious as how a thought emerges. ++++ I fear eyes, but I must surrender to them. I am to be seen! >Thinking about how I'm going to see eyes in my future trips. I cannot suppress the gay. This body, this vessel, wants to experience that. Surrender to it. I have fantasies of getting fucked. Fighting yourself is a real battle, the ego will not go down without a fight. My trip sitter trying to comfort me was merely a distraction. I just needed to cry, and lean in deeper and deeper. Once you go after death, there's nothing left. Nothing Left to Fear. Trauma will not go without a fight. What is the ego? A stickman that lives inside of you that claws onto you. Life is like a dirty tentacle, that wants to feel up every single crevice. Fill every orifice. After the fear of death is relinquished, every creepy spider leg becomes beautiful, because you realize it comes from a place from non-defensive survival. >Imagine a giant spider leg coming down from storm clouds, much like lightning. There's more Beauty to explore, can't wait for you to come back here. During my Peak, my vision was so blurred that two entire paintings were just pulsating, moving, merging together. Constant pulsating. Violent pulsating. We need to stop confining a canvas shape to a square. Why not have a custom canvas in the way of a swoop? >See image. I can't wait until I have my entire ego completely die and fully surrender. >This will probably require a higher dosage. It takes the entire group to integrate the Insight of the individual. One radical change of an individual will need a whole lot of explaining to the group. I need to Transcend caring what labels people put on me in regards to my Sexuality. >I'm not really sure what to do after the peak, I feel like all the work has basically been done. So I just kind of continue 2 have a cool down. I would be just too bored to just continue sitting and contemplating. >So I kind of just lie there in awe what just happened. >Talked with my mother about the ramifications of my Sexuality. Did it while still on the barrier-removing high such that I can actually have the balls to have this talk. I've talked about this before and she has actually worked with me on this with EMDR therapy work before. I was basically coerced into sexual acts by similar age boys when I was around the age of 10. So there is trauma there, imprinting my sexuality making it complicated. Basically, I was imprinted with a "gay fetish" as a straight man, making it more complicated when exploring my sexuality with the same sex. Making it more difficult to grab hold onto a static sexual identity. I can go deeper into that if you ask. >I realize that I need to be able to not care about what people think about my sexuality, and just do what I please. To stop giving a fuck about the judgement. >Note to self, whenever I'm feeling that nauseous sickness and uncomfort coming on, consciously lie down and surrender. ++++++ 2 Main Insights A mind fuck realization of what the emergence of life and death is. >See image of another meme I made A deeper acceptance of my sexuality, and sexual urges. >See image of a card I pulled a couple of days later.