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Through great inescapable suffering blooms the radical acceptance for anything that happens or anything that could happen to you. Having the willingness to recognize: "There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." Through this great opportunity of metamorphoses comes intense inner peace, balance and beautiful liberation from an internal cage. For me suffering has ultimately eliminated misery, grief, & all fear of suffering because once you suffer tremendously, you are awakened to deep levels of empathy, unconditional gratitude for all inherent aspects of life, (and not just temporary thrills) and the unpredictable change/possibilities that inevitably rise with it. Pain brings the recognition that something must be released & healed. Suffering has only brought me to a deeper understanding of myself and my life to the point of truly appreciating it for all the wonderful transformation, spiritual evolution and purification it has given me. "Those who have suffered understand suffering and thereby extend their hand." -- Patti Smith

I’m starting to be able to do this. It requires a transformation regarding what kinds of expectations you place on language. Most people think of language as giving us conceptual truths, and they look for conceptual truths. These are linear statements — it’s this way or that way and never both. When you move away from the issue of Truth and become more pragmatic, you stop expecting language to give you conceptual truth so much. What happened to me is instead of using language to create and believe in conceptual truths, I use language now to make sure I’m seeing all sides of things when I’m trying to balance my life, make decisions, do planning, etc. I tend to think in terms of paradoxes but I don’t interpret the paradoxes to be conceptual truths, just useful heuristics that keep me from being stuck in belief or ideology one way or the other. Paradoxes allow me to utilize the pros of concepts but avoid clinging to beliefs or other cons of concepts.

@Serotoninluv Recently Leo talked about the distinction between States(a phychedelic/meditative high) and Stages(permanent transformation that actually sticks). Would you say that your dmt breakthrough took you to the next stage? Or are you still trying to make sense of and integrate those states?

What do you make of what sages say about 'spiritual experiences' ? That, they are great and very important but they are still experiences. They show that you are that which can manifest in ways completely different from the normal human experience .. so no time, no space, extremely expansive, something a mind cannot even imagine.. but the manifestation is still form at the end of it. And it is a mistake to confuse it with realizing the Self in the way @winterknight or traditional paths talk about. SOrry I am not trying to downplay your experience and transformation. I say to people who have never tried any psychedelics exactly what you are saying. I am just exploring their relation to the true spirituality. I have always seen sages caution against confusing psychedelic experience with realizing ones true nature, since the true nature is what always is,. in the simplest of experiences.

Well actually the imbalanced overpowering masculine energy is the pitfall of practicality. The feminine energy is the receiving part. Feminine doesnt mean for women, feminine means receiver, artist, intuitive. But if we all just take a step back from our masculine minds (whether we are male or female gender wise) and just allow our hearts to receive our attention, the gifts of inner transformation, creativity, renewal and innocence will start blossoming, like an ever-waiting seed, that was buried in the soil of our inner darkness, just waiting for the nourishment of our light.

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace. It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive. So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all. THE STORY SAYS: The rest was much needed. Shifts are now occurring a lot faster. They are a lot more noticeable. Last minute purging signifies the closing door of Ivan's former life, and his beliefs about it. Steps are now being made a lot quicker and easier. Accelerated living is becoming a standard. Synchronicity is becoming a navigation system; a tool. This is everything Ivan ever desired. This Is The One's Choice. It is now finally becoming fully experiential. The capacity has been present all along, waiting to be recognized. Now it is revealed clearly and is undeniable. Ivan is transforming entirely; breathing in more of himself, exhaling misaligned beliefs. The momentum has been steadily building up. A new world is being born. A world of infinite possibilities and absolute freedom. A place of Love, excitement, playfulness and eagerness. A place to truly call "Home". Ivan desires to express himself now: I reached a point where "the speed" was starting to become somewhat...uncomfortable. I came to a quick conclusion, that if I want to reach the Sun without getting burnt badly, I better do it cautiously, gently. These days my vibration would often get so high I'd start shaking like mad. It's like I swallowed a pill of ecstasy, quite literally. I feel ecstatic and hyped about everything that's already here. Precisely because now I know, it is already here. It is not just "believing", anymore. It is not "hoping", anymore. It is not about theorizing and philosophizing. It is not intellectual "out-side-the-box" thinking. It is pure, unshakable knowing. It is certainty. It is firmness. It is directly experiential. It is silent. The gifts and blessings are heading our way, undoubtedly. But, they are also being carried on the back of a bison. A massive collision is about to happen and I want to be as ready and empty as possible. I want to be hit by the bison and feel nothing but love and union. I've been expecting it for long; I should not act so surprised, now that I see it on the horizon. I am grounding myself. Discovering new depths of steadiness. Developing my already existing, as well as new gifts and talents. Deepening my understanding. Rising up to the unconditioned nature of The One. Radiating more love, inviting in more fear. Allowing the process of transformation. Allowing Unity; becoming it. Saying my last goodbyes to past versions of Ivan. The breath is deepening. THE STORY SAYS: Although no pages have been written, in these two days of rest Ivan did quite a few things. He finally made the choice of buying new strings for his instrument. He visited a Buddhist temple and spent some time meditating with a group. He had the online meeting with Sašo and David. He dived deep into singing exercises. The Voice wants to speak; wants to sing. Ivan desires to take good care of his vocal chords. He desires every note to be placed precisely and effortlessly - without a single thought. He desires to be a super-conductor. A resonator. Ivan also started trading like "the big guys", so to speak. In only two days, there were more results than in the past three months combined. Both Ivan and Diana are now certain they opened the door of financial freedom. The stars are lining up. Ivan desires to express himself now: Buying the strings was so...fulfilling. The simplest things like this are now satisfying beyond any description. The amount of gratefulness being embodied is unspeakable. I used to overlook so many things. Now I appreciate my every step. I can now see the perfection in my every move. It has been perfect all along. I just couldn't recognize it. I enjoyed re-stringing and polishing my guitar. I love the smell of new strings. The full, rich sound. The majestic, flawless resonance. I played for hours. I sang for hours. I was trying so goddamn hard to find The Voice. It is here for me to access now. But practice and consistency are required. Balance is needed. The Voice has been asleep for a long time. It is now slowly waking up. We don't want to be rude. We want to be gentle. As I bought the strings, I was passing by the big Buddhist temple in Panadura. We have been living in this town previously, for a month or so. It's a few miles north, closer to Colombo. Pleasant place. I noticed a pull inviting me to check this temple out. I had no idea why, but it seemed important. Enlightenment, silent as it is, went unnoticed. But then again, there is no-one to ask about it. I approached the long stairs, I was barefoot. There was sand; the fingers enjoyed it. Locals were smiling. Some were leaving, some arriving. Each step was taken precisely, consciously. Every counted stair was a world of it's own. The wind was pleasant. A monk was sweeping. Another one was placing food and beverage in front of Buddha's statue. He is lying sideways. He rests eternally. I merged with the silence and peace inside the temple. Old stories painted on each wall. Each giving a hint. Each pointing to one. Some were disturbing. Some were hilarious. Some were sad. All led to one. The messages were clear. The cycles were obvious. These walls are speaking loud. As I existed, I approached the edge. I was high, looking over the city. The buzz was loud, but not distracting. There was a special space for it. A space which could not be filled with anything else. Everything was in perfect place. Flawless. I circled some more, before turning right and heading down. The place is grand. I saw a group of old Sri Lankan women sitting around a huge tree. There were numerous altars, statues, candles, flowers, aromas. A monk was chanting. The women were praying. Many were surprised of I's presence. I noticed eyes watching. I noticed thoughts arising. I noticed confusion. Nothing noticed the I. Nothingness came to be. I sat cross-legged, close to the mighty tree. The air was thick. A lot to invite it. A lot to accept and transform. A lot to love. I was shaking off. Letting resistance exit. Letting all overflow now. Focus put aside. No need to see the eye that looks. No need to scratch the itch that fades. The collective received a boost. Cleared, purified, transformed. Hands were forming intricate signs. Precise and symmetrical. Yes, they were my hands, but there was no Ivan to call them his own. It remained that way. The breath was loud and long; emerging from the ground, existing on top. The rhythm was calm. A bow to the tree symbolized the end of I's meditation. As I was leaving the temple, I was admiring his kingdom. Every inch of it is pure perfection. I is the Father, I is the Son. THE STORY SAYS: Ivan also made the choice to "reconnect" with his long missed brother, Stefan. The two have a special story of their own. It is a strong bond. It is a soul connection. However, Ivan felt like there was something out of place.For some time now, he has been sensing fear while thinking of Stefan. Not knowing was the fear mutual, Ivan wrote to Stefan and expressed his "concerns". Stefan lives in Subotica, Serbia - Ivan's home town. The two haven't seen each-other for more than two years. Stefan was willing to solve "the mystery" and shed some light on the topic. Ivan expressed his hurt from the past, which was preventing him from being completely authentic with Stefan. The two ended up having a nice, effortless communication. Ivan was glad to come to knowing he still has a brother. It is bromance, one could say. Ivan desires deep and honest connections. He knows those are true gems; rare to find. They are priceless. Ivan desires to express himself now: Me and Stefan; we go way back. We somehow clicked once and that was it. It happened just before I moved to Slovenia. I wasn't visiting often. But when I did, we were together pretty much non-stop. We enjoyed talking for hours. We also listened to tons of music, often without a word being said. A look was enough. A smile was telling much more. We share special, strong memories. Not too many of them, but that's the part of the flavor. I really wanted to share with him everything that has been going down lately. We were always so good at motivating the crap out of each-other and expressing pure, genuine admiration. I am indeed glad we're back in touch. I can only imagine the day we meet again. The giggle will be cosmic. On the business side; the call with Sašo and David went great. It was smooth. We were relaxed and synced. Every one of us showed a great amount of respect; it was mutual. I really enjoyed the talk. It was also quite long. David and Sašo offered me a chance to join their trading team; IML. I had the feeling it might be what the call was about. But I wasn't jumping into any conclusions. I see the benefits of being a part of a team, especially as a newbie. But I am kind of a lone wolf. I have my own ways. I don't like filling my mind with what the crowd is suggesting. I feel whole by myself. I kindly let them know this. There was acceptance and applauding. We all agreed every trader has it's own system; it's own methods. Everyone has their own path towards abundance. The communication was effortless. After David left the meeting, Sašo and me talked a bit longer; speculating trades, discussing the psychology behind trading, having a nice trade-talk. It was very pleasant. Turns out; sticking to my inner knowing and confirming once again that I have no doubt in myself was welcome. I was proud. I gained yet another boost. "Wow man, you really stand your own ground now, ay?" - I thought. I was ready for the test. How did it turn out? Whelp. I grew my account for 70% in less than 24 hours. Effortlessly. Instant confirmation and universal thumbs up. Diana was so happy. She's my biggest cheer-leader. I kinda doubt though she can truly comprehend what I am about to do. Even I tend to pinch myself, to make sure this is "real". I now emphasize balance, steadiness, patience, consistency, mindfulness. I will continue with this tempo. The rhythm is just fine. I got all the time in the world. My goal is to keep doubling my account every day for the next two weeks. My entries are precise and neat. Nothing is happening by chance or "luck". I know exactly what I'm doing. I know exactly what I want and how to achieve it. I simply know now. The book came in out of nowhere. I have no idea where it's heading. The book already knows, and that's all that matters. I am so honored to share the knowledge along my journey. I am so grateful I opened myself up to this calling. It is grand. It is humbling. It is powerful. It is now.

@luismatos Hi during those moments self-care and self-love are really important. And yeah sometimes its really hard to function. Also creativity as @Nahm is an extraordinarily useful practice in those times, especially when it comes to expressing emotionally. I really like playing piano and singing, also writing a gratitude journal and self-appraisal (listing the things I have done right when I am in spirals of unworthiness and low-self-esteem) are great tools. Honestly I can lie in bed for days when the emotional fatigue really comes. I dont work but I am a university student and its been very hard to keep up with that, but somehow I have managed so far. Also when it comes to work and day-to-day activities, their benefit is the grounding they provide. Its quite crucial. When it comes to family and friends, the relatinoship side of your life will always be affected, as the emotional debris being buffed out has the most to do with our relationships. Sometimes it is time to set boundaries, to ask for space, or even to ask for support and for some to listen about what youre going through. And sometimes it is time for certain people to leave your life. If anything it makes relationships very dynamic. Dont be shy to take time to yourself. Youre very young and so taking space from your family when going through spiritual transformation can spare you a lot of conflict. You see when were emotionally buffing out, the inner child within is (and it as every right to) will tend to blame a lot of family members... honestly because it has to, and it needs to be done. At the same time, when this happens we are not ready to be reasonable and lead meaningful and productive conversations with the people who have hurt us in the past. I am not gonna say take the pain you have gathered from your family and keep it to your self, because sometimes there is a lot of room for improvement in communication and reltionship dynamics. But when in moments of being emotionally triggered, it is not the best time for debating.

At some point in your psychedelic endeavors, you will face the Ultimate fear. It will feel just as real, as putting your head through the Hangman's knot and stepping off the chair. You will have to surrender your life. However, I am sorry it has to be this way. If you are attached to illusions (as we all are), you will inevitably resist when they fall apart. The real transformation always happens when you take the toughest road. Spirituality is just as beautiful and peaceful, as it is full of fears and confusions. People just like to emphasize the first half.

@luckieluuke I mean I know most of the stuff he is teaching just from enlightenment and transformation study in general, peter ralston, ruper spira, all the stuff on Leos book list... but he has a really cool way of presenting the teachings, cool little twists on these perspectives. Just got to give it a try and see if it resonates with you or not

Also ,I have learned a lot (from top experts and consultants ) about how to create a transformation, not just merely share information.My intention would be to create a transformation not just share information, although I might not do it very efficiently since I do not have years of experience like Leo and those experts.

Of course you should try to maintain as high a consciousness state as much as you can. This is transformation, this is growth. You will change and people around you will start to notice it and they will usually not like it because they expect you to be the old self. Become your new self anyways. Change requires the old dying to the new. A metamorphosis must happen. You are the caterpillar turning into the butterfly. Other caterpillars will not understand your new butterfly form until they do it themselves.

Hey there absolutely is a spiritual component to this. If you think of ego not just as the identification with your body and mind, but also as the energetic, emotional and psychological components and patterns held within the nervous system and the cells of your body (DNA). The reason why I am saying this is that something within me just wants to scream any time someone has a deterministic view of a mental illness, and puts it into a category of "cant be solved with emotional transformation, must be genetic, learn to live with it". I think what many dont realize is that there is a lot of biological components to spirituality, awakening, transformation of emotions and thoughts - its all very much in the body. And so I would say that spirituality that nourishes the body, loves the body, embraces the body and the mind as divine creations will be enormously helpful and functional. It will be the self-care practices, self-love affirmations and embracement, relaxation and self-compassion that will do magic for you. What will not necessarily be too helpful is the "abandoning spirituality" (Its kinda trendy on the forum to be honest) - self-enquiry, dis-identification etc. And by the way to address the genetic component - ego are patterns that have been repeated throughout history enough times that they get ingrained into the DNA and culture (collective unconsciousness).

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace. It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive. So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all. THE STORY SAYS: Ivan went to bed around 3 a.m. He was having an online meeting the next morning with his new mentor, Sašo. Ivan was excited and determined to change their financial circumstance. He was prepared to take every step necessary and learn how to make constant profits. He stayed up reading in his bed for some time, then he fell asleep; binaural beats were playing in the background. He likes falling asleep to binaural beats. They help him with visualizations and guide him into his dreams. Ivan desires to express himself now: I woke up feeling good. Wasn't bursting with energy, but I was feeling alright. I decided to take a cold shower. It shook me up nicely. Afterwards I ate one slice of bread with butter and strawberry jam. It was enough, kinda; soothed my belly a bit. Had to save some bread for later. I then drank one coffee and practiced some yoga. My body was stretched, there was more room for the breath. Then I prepared myself one more coffee and sat on our lovely balcony. I was waiting for Sašo's video-call. It was a bright, sunny day. I felt focused and in the zone, although I would't mind sleeping a bit longer. I like sleeping. The meeting went great. Sašo is a cool dude. He gave me exactly what I needed; confirmation and thumbs up. He complimented my will to learn and to perfect this profession. I knew I got trading covered theoretically during the past few months. There is not that much to it, really. I simply had to learn on my mistakes and work on myself. Every trader goes through this process- Sašo assured me. He told me I should establish a strong system, stick to it and not let myself be distracted. In other words; my way is the only way. I was glad to hear this, as I was not resonating with indicators or anything that could cause confusion and hesitation. Sašo also confirmed that the forex market is no place for emotions and overthinking. One has to be present, calm and steady yet on high alert. For this business, you gotta have the "nerves of steel". We agreed on another call later. He offered to share his screen with me, while his team speculates entries for profitable trades. I was very grateful for his guidance. THE STORY SAYS: During this time, Diana took a shower and did some yoga as well. After Ivan finished his meeting, the two shared a few words, expressed their excitement towards new opportunities and continued their day. They were reading in silence for some time. Ivan then decided to do a short work out. He wants to be more fit and gain a few pounds. Ivan often skips meals; sometimes because of the lack of resources, other times out of forgetfulness and laziness. They both desire order on that matter. Ivan desires to express himself now: Working out after a few days of "doing nothing" felt awesome. I love to sweat and feel them muscles workin'! My body is changing big time. Diana's as well. These two years have been a huge transformation for both of us. It is still unfolding. When I look into the mirror, I see the potential waiting to fully emerge. I see where my body's headed, and I love it. Nevertheless I lost weight, big time, so I do get uncomfortable with that notion from time to time. Depends on my mood, I guess. After the work out I took another shower and prepared myself a meal. As I was eating alone, outside on our balcony, a realization came to me. For the past few days, I was kinda worried about the ongoing re-contextualization process and how that might change everything. I was aware of the fact, that the plate I was holding in my hand does not really exist. Nor does the bread, nor do the eggs, nor the sausages. Everything around me, including me is pure concept down to it's core. I know that I only see a plate because I believed my whole life it exists. I believed it has a certain shape, texture, weight, purpose. I believed it was separate. And this applies to everything. Whoa. I let thoughts go and there was pure awareness. Felt like I was a giant; at least 12' tall. Everything looked exactly the same, there just wasn't any thought form present. I was not Ivan. I was nothing. Everything was nothing. Soon after, thoughts entered the mind again. I wondered: "Do I see everything as it is based on pure concept and belief? What would there be if I wasn't believing my whole life that the palm tree should look exactly like that? What sound would there be if I wasn't believing the waves should produce such a sound? How would wind be experienced? Can I change my beliefs radically, to such an extend that the physical world would change utterly and completely? How do I re-build these concepts? Do I have to impose new belief onto things and keep believing that way for another 20 years to see change? Can I choose what I see; literally? Can I choose to believe there is no gravity? How do I do that?" I was aware of the contradiction and the paradox. But I don't mind my curiosity, if I can call it my own. I was very calm and present. I kept repeating: "Ok. Ok. I see now. Everything is here regardless, it's not going anywhere. It's just me that's in the way. I'm constantly imposing concepts and reinforcing believes. This is how everything seems solid. All is well." Maybe I can change these concepts and what appears to be, maybe not, I don't know just yet. It's all new now. Everything is different yet completely the same. I often sense the urge to skip ahead, see what's afterwards or behind. I want to have control over my own. I'm not sure yet if that's bad or not. After all, "control" and "bad" are concepts as well. I will investigate. THE STORY SAYS: Afterwards, Ivan laid down to rest and clear his mind for an hour. Binaural beats were playing in the background once again. Ivan needed the rest; soon he would meet online with Sašo and start trading. He wandered in the corridors of his mind, he stared into the ceiling, he visualized; breathing deeply. Ivan knows how to let all thoughts go, including himself. He knows the "way out". He just does not know what to do with this ability. Ivan is on a path of Self-discovery. He is a little detective. Ivan desires to express himself now: I was ready to trade when I got up. But I also had the desire to just do nothing. I feel like I'm way too "high" at times for all the earthly stuff that needs to be done. Once we started, I wasn't surprised to see that I got everything figured out on my own, already. The support-resistance levels I draw in my mind were the same as those of the mentor narrating the live webinar. Even his speculations were obvious to me. I was present, focused and determined. I noticed a few nudges from my emotions that were previously arising while I'd trade. I also noticed thoughts trying to distract me. But I successfully recognized those for what they are. They belonged in my past. Now I'm new. I have a few new cards in my sleeve. I was confident and steady. I opened three trades after the webinar ended. I left them be. The market was still indecisive; consolidating. Diana was starting to feel the weight on her heart, caused by the burden she carries around because of her mother landing us money all the time. At times, I'd feel like shit because of this myself. But not today. I know I am way too close to let myself get demotivated. I know I am about to turn everything around any moment now. I am patient. I am steady. In the past, we would end up fighting because of us being unable to communicate to each-other these feelings of guilt and shame. It's really heavy. Today though, I chose Love, consciously and deliberately. I managed to calm Diana down. She needs me now more than ever. I tried to radiate as much Love as I could while she was sobbing. I gave my best to let her know, with my every touch and move, that I'm here. That I got her. That I will take care of everything. She was very grateful. We soon were laughing again, gathering our strengths and optimism. We know it's worth it. Everything is necessary. We are very close. Our journey is indeed special and means a lot to us. It is ever-expansive. It is ever-evolving. It is now.

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace. It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive. So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all. THE STORY SAYS: Ivan woke up this day around 1 'o clock. He is not the guy who is way too concerned about when he wakes up. Or time in general. He knows he will wake up exactly when he's supposed to. He knows this, except for when he does not. Then he usually judges himself for being "immature" and "irresponsible". With his barely opened eyes, he found his way to the bathroom. Leak - Flush - Splash - Towel. No mirror talk. Not even a "cool guy wink" or a "motivational mirror-high-five". Nada. He was in a rush, sorta. Ivan then made a coffee for himself. Thoughts were floating throughout the apartment, occasionally flying through his head. He was trying so hard to ignore every one of them. He was trying to just casually walk his way towards "enlightenment", whistling along. Lately, Ivan is all about this thing called "enlightenment". He has been staying up late for quite a while now. Thinking about everything that's changing, contemplating, questioning, staring into the dark. He honestly feels like he's onto something. This time it really seems that way to him. He is not the guy who usually claims victory too soon. Except for when he does. This causes Ivan to question now more than ever. Now he knows, that he doesn't know at all. Now he's sure of it, kinda. 3 knocks on the door and 3 words: "Sweetie, wake up." Ivan is in love. Deeply. He is certain he has found his soulmate. Her name is Diana. She's gorgeous. Diana was sleeping in the other bedroom. The two have been sleeping apart for a few days now. Their sleeping cycles and their daily rhythms differentiate. There are no hard feelings; both accept what is. Except for when they don't. Ivan desires to express himself now: Ok. I get it. The joke is on me. It's not like I wasn't suspecting this would happen. But now that it's happening...Man. What the actual fu*k. I am doing all this hard work, grinding my way towards this freaking "enlightenment", why? So I'd be gone? What the fu*k man? And there's nothing I can do about it?! WHO DOES THAT? God is insane, indeed, he is. Too bad I can also somehow grasp now, intellectually, that I am that mutherf#$&er. How can that possibly be? I mean. C'mon. Just. C'mon. HOW COULD I NOT BE FREAKING OUT?! How can anyone be "meh" about this?! I am disappearing for God's sake! Literally! Also not to mention my circumstances are still under "construction", after everything has been destroyed and turned to dust, 3 years ago. I started this spiritual crap and poof. Everything collapsed. All I wanted to do is be a successful musician, damn it. Was I supposed to keep the job that was slowly killing me? Or any other job I'd hate? No difference, ay? I'd disappear one way or another. What the fudge man. No wonder I can't function properly. No wonder we're broke. There barely is any me left. And the outside...Well, the outside is empty. And that's scary. I know I can rise up to anything extremely fast. Music was my teacher. I can last forever doing what needs to be done to get those results. If I really want to, I can. My focus is intense as fu*k! And I gave my everything to have the skills I have today! I had nothing else, damn it! No family! Barely any friends! And now I have to give up even myself?! Even music?! COME THE FU*K ON. THE STORY SAYS: With those emotions and thoughts rising up, Ivan was certainly not able to "achieve enlightenment" this day. He felt so close, yet so far away. He now knows the way. Except for when he does not. He made a major "breakthrough", one could say. He was able to see through himself. He was able to become "nothing and everything simultaneously" - as he likes describing it himself. He knows it is very counter-intuitive to talk about nothing and everything to someone. He did not want to trap himself. He wanted to avoid all traps. Ivan thought he was cleaver and fast enough. He felt like a ninja who cannot be touched. What a guy. Soon Ivan found himself trapped, once again. One thought to another, right back in the labyrinth. Ivan was delusional again. Here and Now no more. He had the urge to talk to his love, Diana about his new discoveries and accomplishments. He wanted someone to tell him how awesome he is for achieving what he did in such a short period of time. Ivan was in a desperate need of acknowledgment and valuation. He was never acknowledged or valued by his parents. Poor guy. Diana was feeling weak. Nothing serious, thank God. But her ear is most likely to be inflamed. She is going through a big transformation as well. Her body is showing obvious signs. She is in need of special care, attention, love and nurturing. Ivan knows this, but he's too busy with catching "enlightenment". It is not unusual for the couple to have a spiritually oriented conversation. In fact, they talk about those things all the time. It is also not unusual for them to have nasty intellectual and emotional fights. Ivan decided to push the boundaries. One argument after another, the two ended up in a non-dual war and conceptual chaos. Ivan desires to express himself now: I fu*kin' knew it. The moment I try to put this non-dual bullsh*t into words and concepts, I get f-ed in the A. Hard. I don't know how to articulate this sh*t properly yet nor is that possible at all. I don't know how to interact "from the other side". And I also most definitely do know. Loving and not trying to expose something that does not exist. F*ck. I got myself trapped again. I was trapped in a loop, pointing my finger to my forehead, trying to explain what cannot be explained to the person I love more than anyone can imagine. Forgetting to love here, forgetting to breath now. Diana means the world to me. She and her mother are the only ones who give any f*ck about me. In fact, they care about me like no one ever did before. I am infinitely grateful for that. But I am also an idiot. So I have my idiotic ways. I wanted to act like I cannot be distracted anymore. Like I finally GOT IT. I wanted to let her know what I saw. I wanted to let her know that I was face to face with absolutely nothing and freakin' everything. I wanted to let her know that I was afraid of what might happen if I make the choice to disappear into infinite nothingness. If the concept "Ivan" gets destroyed completely. I got deluded big time. I forgot instantly what everything IS about. She is so good at triggering me. As I am at triggering her. Once we start, it's like watching a domino effect. Flawless chain-reaction. It's intense. I was desperately trying to expose her the paradox, the Truth and the Lie. I wanted to let her know that I've been feeling like a freakin' reality hacker for the past few days. Ever since I joined the Actualized.org forum, it seemed to me like I'm Neo, doing some hard core background coding, re-programming, or whatever the heck. I was getting exactly the right information from exactly the right people on this forum. It's scary how accurate and precise it was. I can't point to this coding, but I can feel it happening. It's in my mind. Everything is being rewired rapidly, if I focus on it. Diana did not "decode" my words correctly and I did not her's. There was a huge misunderstanding. All I wanted to do was to share with her my speculations. I was wondering how life would be, if "I" was to identify with everything. Everything except for Ivan. Including Diana. Insanity is very tricky. And it never felt closer. Somehow, we found our way out of argue. Her mother sent us some money, again. I needed to catch a bus and go to the other side of the town, as I always do when we have money to pick up. I knew Diana's suggestions were completely valid and would be helpful if I was to listen carefully. And I knew I brought the "fight" on myself. So I was already trying to breath deeper and simply love what is. I intended to "make it up" to her once I return. THE STORY SAYS: It should be mentioned that Diana and Ivan have been living in Sri Lanka for a while now. They moved here to seek freedom, abundance, expansion, deeper connection, understanding and more love. Also just fun in general, travel experiences, tasting-touching-smelling-hearing new things, embracing the spontaneous. They wanted to be entrepreneurs. They invested a nice amount of money into a global company, that promised them great business opportunities in Sri Lanka. Diana and Ivan were hooked. After some time, the business collapsed before their eyes, stripping them of all hope. Again. Not for too long though. Ivan got himself involved in this thing called "forex trading". A friend of his, who lives in Slovenia is a successful money-magnet, one could say. He promised Ivan to be his mentor. To guide him into financial freedom. Ivan loves the idea of being financially free. He is certain it is his birth-right. Just as it is everyone else's. As Ivan was walking towards the bus-station, he was regretting his stupidity and delusional thoughts. He knew he should stop or else he would go too far into the Maze. He focused on his breath. On all the birds singing. On the Sun and the pleasant wind. The sound of the waves. The passing locals. He was smiling to every one of them. Slowly merging with the present moment. Ivan desires to express himself now: Diana and me, we went through 2 years of a mixture of heaven and hell. Feels like it was 20. At least. It was messy, psychotic, draining and crushing. Nevertheless, it was also blissful, fun, thrilling, unusual, expensive and full of love. Love unlike any felt before. IT'S THE REAL DEAL. That's why we both rolled up our spiritual sleeves, right from the get go and started grinding toward the perfect versions of ourselves. For each-other - as a gift, for ourselves - as a must. We somehow ended up in Sri Lanka. Dfaq?! I remember having the idea. I also remember trying my best to realize it. But I have no freaking idea why I had the idea to come here. It just seemed obviously right then. Now, it's a bit different story. Sri Lanka ended up suckin' balls in a lot of ways. The monks are not what I expected (of course) , the whole Buddhism thing seems off and brainwashy, no trace of enlightenment or real spirituality. There is dirt, trash (a lot of it), smell, ignorance and GREED everywhere. Before we came here, in my head it seemed like we'll be OK with these things. It's not like we had no clue about anything what's here. But I do fancy taking huge blind leaps of faith and I don't like over-planing stuff. Where's the fun in that? So it is what it is now. Took a while, but we got used to everything and even came to love it. I can easily walk though the hustle and bustle of the city, without doing any spiritual Kung Fu. I can honestly love everything and everybody. No thoughts about it. Nevertheless, I do want to take us somewhere else soon. This place is not resonating with us, that is a fact. I have been noticing signs pointing in the direction of Malaysia and I honestly feel like trading is the missing link. I'm excited about it. And I came to love analyzing and speculating. It sits right with me. It must be it! I'll do everything to make it so! It is our ticket! We cannot be struggling anymore. There is no point in it anymore. As I entered the bus, I got super contracted again. A bit claustrophobic and panicky. People like to stare here, which does not bother me usually. What bothers me is when I tune into the collective thoughts and emotions. The buses here are as crowded as one can imagine. There is no space for air. And my stomach was so contracted, I could not breath through it, not a chance. I skipped breakfast and lunch again. Only coffee and cigarettes. So irresponsible. As I exited, I noticed an even more chaotic atmosphere than usual. More traffic, more crowd. There seemed to be some sort of a protest going on. There was a stage in the middle of the main road and a guy yelling on the top of his lungs something into a mic. The speakers were close to catching fire. I merged with the crowd and made my way to the ATM. THE STORY SAYS: On his way back from the ATM, Ivan was present, Ivan was absent. He approached two random Sri Lankans. He asked them what is happening. "A protest against democracy" -the two replied. Ivan smiled and continued his way towards the station. He then remembered he wanted to "make it up" to his love, Diana. Sri Lankan old ladies are selling beautiful flowers in front of the Buddhist temple every day. Ivan approached a lady and prepared 100 rupees. Without a word being said, the lady handed him exactly the flowers he laid his eyes on just seconds before. He also bought spicy peanuts - Diana's favorite. Ivan decided to walk back, as the traffic was very thick, due to the protest. The buses were barely moving. A tuk tuk driver picked him up after a few hundred meters of walking. One last stop at the super-market; buying all the necessities. He then walked back home to give Diana the attention she deserves. Ivan desires to express himself now: I know when I'm a dick-head. I know I do stupid things. I know when to apologize. It is necessary. I wasn't surprised to find Diana already alright when I arrived. She knows how to take care of herself without her idiot boyfriend. She knows how to love herself. But she also fears being disrespected by me. I've done it before. We both showed disrespect to each-other. But we both can see through those things. We cool ya'all. I gave her the flowers, the peanuts and her favorite dark chocolate. I was forgiven. Love and unity were present again. Rolled a joint; we love to smoke and chill, read and talk. I felt I needed to eat or else I'd collapse any time. But I still had the urge to express my non-dual discoveries and create some sort of an understanding for myself. I also felt like I was in desperate need of attention on that topic in particular. You could say I felt like a dirty attention slut, yes. I ate 3 eggs, some bread and 4 sausages. Can't afford no fancy food at the moment. After the meal; back to the forum - my new favorite hanging place. And also classroom; not to offend anyone. I came across this section. "Digital journal, ay?" - I thought. This might be exactly what I needed. I never bothered writing an actual journal before. When I did, I was a kid and I'd stop after a few days. Music took way too much of my focus. I had no time for that non-sense, pls. BUT THIS. This somehow feels right. I love expressing myself through words instead of melodies and rhythms. It's new. It's different. It is now.

@Sahil Pandit Intermittent fasting is not the best way to build muscle, but it is a great way to lose fat; mostly due to the fact that when you fast, your HGH does increase and it does mobilize fatty acids, but the HGH increase in a fasted state is there to PRESERVE muscle, not build it. You need to be in a calorie surplus to build muscle, unless you are totally an untrained newbie who is embarking on a body transformation for the first time, could do a full body recomposition simply by working out and eating as they were.

Please don't drop anchor here, please trust me this is not the way. I totally feel what you're going through I really do kid I've been there and it was one of the hardest things I had to go through in life but ultimately it had led me to a realization that it was only the true beginning. This is where spirituality comes in and is your ally, is your guardian, is your compass. This is where your wings will grow even more and you will thrive as a star in the night, and fly with the shooting stars.There's so much beauty & wonderful experience that is still on it's way to you and that is within you. So much transformation. I know the future might seem hopeless or unimaginable at the moment but try to trust it like the moon trusts the sun. You are so beautiful and there is so much beautiful power within you, there is so much magic within you. What makes your heart sing? What is one thing you truly love about life and love learning about life that speaks to you, that calls to you and makes you come back for more? Really think about this. That one little thing can save your soul. You can channel this pain in ways that can heal you. I don't care what it is whether you have to scream your fucking head off into a cushion (this actually really helps) cry your face red, kick, curl, scream, melt just let this thing fucking out like you're exorcising something, but not on your whole life you have so much ahead of you honey ❤️ and write, please don't hesitate to write me and to the rest of us on this forum, we are here to help you. ❤️ You are strength, you are Warrior. ❤️

Chapter 104 Solis Strengthens the zee Purifies the Zhin Improves the Zvether Pacifies the zvethiss plants benevolent desires in the Zveth. Brings growth and hope Gives grace. Resolves problems /troubles or instability. Provides support Restores harmony and peace Keeps the heart pure. Brings ultimate positive transformation and creates a beautiful haven. Fulfillment The Zveth or soul is like an ocean in which emotions and desires emerge like waves. It's like a ocean that keeps flowing and moving. A flame that keeps burning.

once more, lost in translation, even though i said transformation was coming soon. but let’s be honest, we are constantly lost in both.

@caelanb exactly! But this is why I wouldn’t call this enlightenment. Because enlightenment in my opinion is more like a transformation of your entire world view and not simply realizing certain aspects of it. But it is a whole.

Ive dealt with this yeah. Im an introvert but am working as a personal trainer so Im literally in contact with people all day long every day haha. What’s interesting is at first it was exhausting, but it eventually got to be no big deal. Two things really helped me: 1) I had it in my mind that I was going to learn how to be more effective at my job and adapt. So you need to really cement the possibility for your ability to adapt and change how the job affects you. Genuinely opening up this possibility for growth gives way for eventual transformation. 2) I stopped labeling myself as an introvert and worked towards transforming that identity. Introversion, at the end of the day, is a concept about ourselves and the more you study the self, the more you see how relative and arbitrary characteristics are. So introversion is just a concept or a story the self tells itself. So practically speaking, try to deeply contemplate why you’re clinging to your introversion, find those limiting beliefs and assumptions, find out why these specific social interactions drain you, and then if you have the courage, let them go. This sounds simple on paper but I promise both 1) and 2) take real work to figure out, but, at least in my experience, it can be done.

because at first he wasn't talking about enlightment, and he is currently on his own path, look his old video / speech. and see his own transformation. next time you will learn before having something smart to say

I think this, for me, has been the most complete way to talk about what the investigation into our true nature is about. Any movie can be used to illustrate this, but I am using The Pursuit of Happyness. We have the actor, Will Smith, playing the character, Chris Gardner. NOW IMAGINE During the filming of the movie, everything is going great. No concerns or anything. Plot is progressing as planned and in the script/direction. Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Will Smith has a mental breakdown which causes him to forget that he is Will Smith and become his character Chris Gardner. This is no minor mental breakdown. It is full absolute mental transformation that he is Chris Gardner and has no idea who Will Smith is... no idea AT ALL. To keep it simple, let's assume the movie continues to be filmed (assume nobody notices that Will Smith has lost his shit) Now, as the actor Will Smith continues to film and portray the life of Chris Gardner in the movie's plot, he gets 100% emotionally attached to everything which is happening. If something fails in the movie, Will Smith feels as if it is his failure. If he can't find a place to sleep at night, Will Smith suffers from this. He has forgotten his real self (Will Smith) and become the ego (Chris Gardner). Now, let's bring in a question which is commonly seen in spiritual circles. What does Chris Gardner need to do, to realize that he is does not exist? Or when will Chris Gardner wake up to the fact and become enlightened? You see, if you have been following along thus far, you can see it is absolutely wrong to ask these questions. Chris Gardner can do nothing to escape - because he exists within the movie. It is WILL SMITH who needs to awaken. It is WILL SMITH who will become enlightened. It is WILL SMITH who all the pointers are talking to, not Chris Gardner. Just like that, your ego can do nothing to awaken, because it cannot. It is Your self which will awaken Just like Chris Gardner, the character, you the ego cannot grasp the fact that you do not exist because in your ego world with your ego story and life story, you very much do exist! Your life does not need to end or stop. Just live it from a place of deep awareness and knowing as your true higher self (will smith / awareness) With that being said, let's now imagine that Will Smith somehow magically returns and recognizes his mistake of mis-identifying with the body/mind/world of Chris Gardner. Of course, he may laugh a big joyful laughter about how silly he was to have thought he was the character Chris Gardner who is suffering in the plot of the movie. Before Enlightenment chop wood carry water. After enlightenment... Now continuing here, with Will Smith now back and "awakened" to his true nature as the character portraying the role of Chirs Gardner... nothing changes. He continues to film the rest of the movie. In that filming, where-ever there is suffering, Will Smith acts out and portray that, where-ever there is anger, Will Smith portrays that. All the while, knowing he is free from that. That is how enlightenment occurs. It is your true nature / REAL SELF which re-awakens to the fact that it was not the character (body+mind). The renaming plot of your life will play out as it needs to. There will be anger, sadness, guilt, happiness, pain, pleasure, everything... but you will be watching from the place of Will Smith knowing that he is portraying the character and is outside of the character/ego's world. You will have all those emotions but be okay with it, in your deep knowing if your true self - free from the world/reality of the ego. Notice also free will aspect. There is none. Just like in the movie - the script and acting and directing is pre-planned and that's how it will play out. So, once you awaken, what must happen, will happen as it should and will be seen to play out on it's own. Of course, this only talks about one aspect of it. The whole of it is much deeper. It's all one-thing. You are everything, literally. and that's kind of hard to illustrate using words as pointers. That's for another day (animation/graphics will assist to an extent, but again, not entirely)

fuck me sideways boys, this insight hit me square in the face today and I near shite ma'sel. Ok so, think about it...to attempt to "let go" would be to create the idea that there is something to let go of...therefore, to "try to let go" would be to cause us to solidify, in our minds, the ideas (that we've created) about what we're letting go of. THEREFORE the only way to truly let go is to not let go...to hold tightly to that which we are observing and to do absolutely nothing about it. just remember, don't believe me Jesus guys, I had my first split second of raw consciousness the other day...felt like fucking lightning for 0.3 seconds, & for 30 seconds after I FULLY realised that consciousness is the only thing that exists. for 30 seconds i had it!!! i had a smoke of grass the help raise the old consciousness to so that helped. I also realised that Leo and his band of physical outlaws here...what we're actually doing, is literally creating prophets of god...people who will change the groundings of the future of the entire human race. The knowledge we possess will shape the future generations until the end of our existence. When this information (or lack thereof;) ) becomes global, we will be known as the forerunners, the founding fathers. anyone who takes on this work becomes transformed, and subsequently, lead others to transformation and so on and so on. We hold in our hand the keys to truth, death, peace and God. Holy.fucking.shitballs

Frank Yang - Frank is the only "fitness YouTuber" I still follow. He's been going through quite the transformation in the past couple years, doing his first vipassana, trying 5-MeO-DMT, and using his film making skills to make incredible vlog style videos about consciousness, his self actualization work, and his crazy antics. He also watches Leo's videos, and it shows. Here's his video he made about his first vipassana, it's one of his best works imo. The Art Assignment - This is a PBS YouTube channel devoted to Art, of course. They have early episodes that give you an art assignment to try for yourself, as well as newer episodes where they discuss everything related to art. They're really good at providing context to the art they show so that you can develop a better understanding of what's being shown and not left scratching your head as to what it all means. Templesounds - This guy's name is Emile and he's a passionate collector, importer/seller, and most of all, player of fine handmade singing bowls. His videos are mostly of him playing the bowls, gongs, and other such instruments in compositions ranging from 15min to an hour or more. The sounds are really excellent for meditation, and he even has some guided meditations which are quite good. FoundMyFitness - The future of healthcare will be completely personalized to the individual. If you agree with that statement or you have a curiosity for deep nutrition and lifestyle design as they relate to preventing and fighting disease and promoting longevity, this channel is for you. Dr Rhonda Patrick interviews cutting edge research scientists on these topics and communicates the information with on screen notes and images that make these complex biological science concepts digestible and actionable.

Watched latest episode about Spiral Dynamics nuances and confirmed what I thought about myself lately after reading couple of books of Ken and others on those topics. I have very, very uneven growth in my lines of development yet I have no fucking idea what to do about it. I tend to assume that I have to give up control and just dwell in grace and welcome whatever comes, but man, it's scary as fuck, I'm always like "dude, if you're gonna keep doing it you'll end up being a fucking bummer". I tried to get an easiest job I could find as a seller in a Zoo Shop, but in the second day of education I just gave up in suicidal state and said I'm not coming there anymore. I just can't, it's overwhelmingly painful to pay attention and use my mind to even learn easy stuff. Technically I can, with crying, anger and stuff, but who needs such a worker? I have read some chapters in Adyashanti's book "The End of Your World" in which he talks about the energetic component of awakening, he says that this "tired and wired" state is common in awakening process and you just have to accept it as a natural process of transformation of your body adjusting to awakening and releasing it's baggage, it may happen even before awakening, some people struggle more, some less. He says that after that process of realigning there should be way more clarity. He also says that someone came to him after checking for Alzheimer's, LOL, which is very similar to my situation, I can barely remember shit and have absolutely terrible memory lately. Here's what happened to Eckhart Tolle: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. On the other hand there's Shinzen Young who recommends to take antidepressants and tells that it took him 18 months of therapy with a psychiatrist to overcome his procrastination DECADES AFTER he woke up. I have incredibly addictive personality and the perspective of taking antidepressants scares me as fuck. Also in some books on Kundalini they advice to not take meds when you have Kundalini Syndrome. I'm so confused about what to do, you just can't imagine, dude. Can't meditate, can't work, can't do yoga, can't earn money for psychedelics, can't nothing. Fuck. I'm just from an online Zen seminar that I've been attending for a couple of years (it resumed again after several months, yay), and this triggered shit ton of shame in me, because talking to mature, educated, high consciousness people in foreign language is very challenging and my shame is as always overwhelming, I'm so afraid of what they will think of me that I barely manage to deliver my interesting thoughts which I strongly believe are of interest to them. But in the heat of situation it's like "um... ah... well... you know... form... formlessness...". Here's what my level of development is like: Level of consciousness: don't mean to show off but I think I'm clearly in the transition from yellow to turquoise. I genuinely believe that my life is perfect and I am perfect as is, I am slowly transcending the dream, yet I am absolutely fucking terrible at playing this dream out, I'm just a kid who had glimpses of the absolute that still sucks mother's tit and can't do shit. Hierarchy of needs: gross, just gross. Neurotic conditioning/shadow: I gained a lot of awareness of it over the course of last couple of years, yet understanding your shadow is like 5% of the work, dissolving it is way, way more difficult task. You can easily acknowledge that you have shame-based personality and post on the forum for the sake of validation and attention-whoring, it's whole 'nother story to stop doing it. I think relationships line of development is almost the same as shadow line because without the other there's noone to trigger you and your neurotic conditioning only makes sense in the context of the communication with the outer world which is mostly interaction with people. You don't get ashamed in front of a tree, don't you? Spirituality: several tiny glimpses of truth, too neurotic to stabilize the mind in inquiry for further unraveling. I'm stuck, afraid of fucking up my life and don't know what to do. Shit.