Search the Community

Five fridays in a week Universal heretic celebration day The title stems from my station as being both a Zigzag Idiot and a universal heretic. I've titled today as that just for the hell of it and because it's raining outside. it would be more serious if it were also raining inside. I agree with Almaas when he says you have to have a lot of nerve to let go and voluntarily lose your mind. The average Jack or Jill in no way will be up for it because they want to be accepted by the herd. Now for a comercial. At times I will come off as being a goody goody and at the drop of a hat I will say extremely raunchy things sometimes. I'm not bothered by this because through understanding I've come to accept my multifaceted nature. This doesn't mean that I never get rattled or embarrased because of .the depth this multifaceted nature. I'm just not as fractured as I was in youth and early adulthood. What most of you actualizers reading this needs is someone to slap your sorry ass around. Either to make you angry so you'll quit crying foul and telling everyone what a poor helpless victim you are or to put you face to face with your own schadenfreude. Saying this won't win me many friends but I write this with sincerity and conviction. Expressing my inner truth means more than winning peoples approval. Whenever I express from this facet of myself it drives compassionate Idiots completely berzerk. They start jumping up and down pointing at me and blowing a loud whistle. They may say "Look, look look. See how terrible and uncaring this ruffian is. Oh how awful." If they're lucky, there will come a day when the need to show the world how caring and compassonate they are will be gone and they will have a more complete understanding. I intuit that in Leo's approach at times what people are seeing as arrogant is his way of slapping us around a bit to make us think or wake us up. He's possibly playing the role of the malamat at times. The way of blame. I could be wrong about that also. Anyway, in light of that there is the idea that at times an awakened person needs to learn when it's best to just go run and hide. So as not to be pecked to death. Somewhere in my journal I remember writing about the aggravated chicken pecker syndrome that manifests both in poultry farming as well as in human sociology. The tone of all this may sound like I'm putting myself above everybody or that I don't have any empathy in regards to the hardships others have to endure. Not so. I do care deeply about people but at times my selfishness may rule the day. In addition to occasionally being a complete fuck up to boot. I try to be honest with my self observation and inquiry. To help pay my dues, so to speak.

@BipolarGrowth thanks bro, love you so much. I really appreciate you reading the whole thing, as that probably took a lot of time. Your compassion, immaculate nuanced advice on the phone completely revolutionized my state and ability to manage the mania. I went from awakened to manic real quick after our call. However, right after I had Panda Express (Meat/grounding food), my symptoms vanished within two hours completely. Fucking crazy how an imbalanced diet may have been the issue with my bipolar all along. Like, just eating meat/standard diet, I get chronically fatigued and depressed/suicidal, yet eating just raw vegan makes me batshit energetic/manic/infinitely conscious/dangerous levels of happiness and liberation for my development. God wants me to be a master of my homeostasis and balance of my surroundings. Maybe if I was just by myself I could totally let go and transcend all of that stuff, but it is not wise when I’m around other people and I’m not intending to go super spiritual or willing to. I mean, being overly spiritual at the wrong times can be extremely disadvantageous to you and society as a whole.

Once in a distant galaxy a planet was enslaved by terrible beings. But 20% of the population awoke and regained their power. On the ruins of the past they began to build a new world where only peace and harmony reigned. Jaguaralen - NEW WORLD (Lyrics) (english translation) Cheers to existence, we celebrate life. Every breath is appreciated, we honor our planet. No matter if black, white, yellow, green, blue, everyone participates. Know no races, a family, we are colorblind. Our seven chakras flow in peace and harmony, love the phantasy, fly like in paradise. Remind us of the forgotten treasure, the infinite power. Eternally freed from all suffering, we have finally awakened. We are beautiful beings blessed by light & love as if our souls came from other planets. We refuse to take, long for the blessing of giving, forgive the rain of misery, strive for the seas of light of life. Lose ourselves in the flow now, flow into the depths of the stream, a peaceful codex, always transforming process, feel the love of death, have been reborn in seven dimensions raised to peaceful warriors. We are one forever in eternity free from space and time we are one consciousness ♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪ I hope you enjoyed it.

I just found out about the Metaverse. I thought this post might be good to bring it up in, I am curious what everone's thoughts on it are. It seems like someone could get so immersed in it that realizing their existence outside of their technological overlay reality would be like a kind of enlightenment. Like I can imagine generations of people immersed in these lives so overlayed with technology that sages will tell them about the real world of physical existence. Which they would then have to become awakened to, in order to get to the level of awakeness we take for granted. It could be like going more into sleep, like a dream in a dream. I admit I know very little and it could be very cool but I see this as a real possibility.

@fridjonk Please forgive the slowness of my responses. I understand what you express about the cost of running a farm in a responsible way with a long term view. When I managed our family ranch there seemed to be no end to the things I could spend money on ( x 10 ) with good justifications. I got tired of working my ass off whie deciding what I had to spend money on that was most crucial and then paying taxes with the rest. Often denying things for myself like health insurance and taking vacations. @fridjonk Expounding on the question I asked you became a launching pad for a spontaneous spiel that I just typed out and in no way is directed at you but to the forum at large. I wanted to make that specifically clear and thank you for allowing me this space in our conversation for this indulgence. My question about the possiblilty of deceptive potential mates probably gives away my tendency for having a rather pessimistic 'glass half empty' view of the world, At times anyhow. That admission is likely to push the buttons of lurking self righteous zen devils that are currently trolling this section of the forum. When I say these things that appear to have an inherent negativity, I do so with a non-judgemental heart, or try to, because in the past, I was one of them. A zen devil that is. This is my expression of how I've found this work towards Self actualization to be a two edged sword. I could often see others shortcomings but lacked the love of absolute truth enough that I would put on the blinders to avoid seeing my own self deception and folly. I've also found these type of confessions to draw out the beginners and partially awakened neophytes who are quick to dog pile onto others and in which they fail to recognise their own judgemental assessments. The neccessity here that I see of this work to eventually resemble an ouroboros. A similar cryptic statement out of the Fourth way is that one must work on oneself and purify emotionally in order to become food for Arch-angels. When one has cooked enough internally in an alchemical way, anything which happens will no longer be taken in a negative way. Even seemingly "bad" things. This realization is one that comes and goes with the flux in my degree of being. My daily yo-yo of being. When I have objectively seen my own bullshit, how can I judge others at all for theirs,,,, When my degree of being is at a higher level I perceive how Understanding is a magic bullet for unconscious behaviors and unneccesary suffering. It comes with a price though.

@Shin Yeah, that seems like a good description of the situation ? Why do you think God made people that way? Was he trying to keep the illusion of reality alive as long as possible? Labeling awakened people as crazy or putting them into asylum seems like an effective method to discourage them from exploring the metaphysical stuff and finding out the Truth.

Well said! I definitely had a low-key manic phase where I went around telling all my friends, family, etc about how they needed to meditate and directly perceive reality. I wanted them all to share in that bliss. A few awakening/insight/satori experiences later, I understood how futile and empty that compulsion it was. It was more of wanting to be viewed as some awakened being than actually having a genuine drive to teach. A few close friends still do consult with me about practices, but I never pressure, only reply to what they need at that moment. As you said, everyone has their own path

GREAT Thread! Only ever utilized RASA but loved it and still speak to Ramaji & Ananda often, and attend the odd Satsang. Also, interesting note on Gareth's website, he talks about his own RASA journey, and how it evolved into the work he's doing today. I'm not sure why, but I much more relate to the whole 'normal person' waking up, than the Ramana Maharshi / Monk / Living in an ashram type, probably because I always intuited I want what most would regard a 'normal' life- Family, Friends, Hobbies etc. Seems Gareth worked with Ramaji to stabilize his awakening, as he had already had many awakenings before reading 1000 and contacting Ramaji. One more note, I wish there was more awakened beings who just shared their everyday life, as you only tend to hear from people who go into Teaching for obvious reasons, but not so much those who just crack on in 'Normal' jobs, or don't teach, there must be quite literally 1000s of people who've Awakened and feel no call to teach, but spread the teaching in a less formal way, even if that is just with their presence!

has some great subs imo like /5meodmt /psychedelics /meditation /awakened etc.

Essentially, this web page is what I mean, or is an attempt to communicate or point, and it is organized in a top to bottom fashion. Short of reading all that, the highlight of what I mean by no more rollercoaster experience is the section called ‘mental & emotional equanimity’. One way to say it is enlightenment is what I am. Therefore, when thoughts arise about enlightenment, and or what I am, in any definitive manor… the believing of such thoughts is the opposite of equanimity. Being me / one, I don’t have to see someone living their life to see in the words that they are experiencing emotional fluctuations that they prefer not to be experiencing, and to know what it is they therefore desire (equanimity). In the same way there is no actual experience of a me searching for a knowledge in the first place. If that thought arose, and I believed that thought, experience has been shaped such that I am a separate thing, and knowledge is a separate thing. That is confusing because there is no actual direct experience which matches such a thought. Liberation would therefore be the stark opposite of the experience which ensues, from believing that or those thoughts. Going a bit further… in the believing of those or similar thoughts in regard to knowledge… from believing said thoughts, it would then seem that there’s ‘something I need to know, learn or remember’, in terms of spirituality, awakening, enlightenment, etc, while the actuality is there never was, never is, and never will be something necessary to know, learn or understand… and feeling tells me so, if you will. Always was, is right now, and always will be the case. Then it is seen that spirituality is an abstraction, a cover up, which started with, aversion. Only then, could “I have awakened or awakenings or be enlightened”. To arrive at such a conclusion would actually be indicative of ‘being asleep’ in, reaction. Or, to have adapted to the thought attachment ‘right under my own nose’. Or above it, really. Apparently.

It's the alone part that gets me. It's too much my ego to handle. I don't know how others have dealt with it. I see alot of people of this forum playing hide and seek with themselves. Awakened. Asleep. Awakened. Asleep. It's just so backwards though.

i don't think so eating plays a great role in the process of awakening, but if they are awakened and returned to unhealthy eating they will go to lower states of consciousness.

@Moksha awakening won't necessarily eliminate all the bad habits in the day that it happens, like addictions. There are awakened unhealthy eaters and smokers.

I HATE THE ANTI-CHRIST! I WANT HIM TO BURN IN HELL!!!! lol look at the irony To reconcile the evil in others and in the world, look at and realize the evil in yourself, your repressed shadow aspect and the need to be liked and seen as good, and see yourself as good. Actually understand what creates the conditions for “evil”, extreme trauma which causes immense fragmentation of the psyche to cope, which disconnects one from themselves and the rest of the world. Learn what is God, consciousness, and Love. Opposite of evil. And what the hell is evil anyways? Define it. Those who commit “evil”, are just incredibly hurt and damaged people, who have been most effected by evil themselves, and are probably suffering the most on the planet as they are completely disconnected from everyone in it, that they can dissociate from the pain they cause others. Think of the most intense extreme loneliness, sense of fear, isolation, separation from the world, and need to survive, this is what causes “evil”. They are disconnected from God/Love, limited and constricted low vibration consciousness. Recognize the selfishness, the self centeredness, narcissism, desire to hurt (boiling and destroying others like you said), lack of awareness, disconnection, lack of empathy, and ignorance you have in yourself. Etc. What are the reason behind these traits, states, feelings, etc and what are the root causes and trauma behind them. How have they served you? Why would you want to do such things?? It doesn’t have to be the worse thing in the world to be considered evil. Here’s a little help. evil= ego attachment, belief in separation, unmet needs, sense of powerlessness Evil acts often give others sense of power in their feeling of powerlessness & hopelessness, Lowest vibrational state, you get why some people might get a rush from killing, rape, or causing a genocide? Also to be felt heard and understood, “evil people” often only feel hurt and pain, deep emptiness, they want to inflict on others what was done to them, and so others feel their pain. Hate is the epitome of evil, what causes hate? Hurt. Also, most evil people don’t see themselves as evil at all, but good, and that the world is evil. This isn’t rocket science. You’ve just suppressed this aspect of evil so much in yourself you’re completely unaware of why would someone be evil when, even you’re talking about boiling or destroying others yourself. Killing others. All from complete lack of self awareness. That’s evil. Also Where is the line between “that’s not so good” and “PURE EVIL I TELL YOU”? “I only hurt some people intentionally sometimes when I was angry” Ummm that’s evil… ”I try not to kill anyone” okay..?? Lots of Freudian slips of evil there. Seriously a sign of such an deeply suppressed shadow aspect in yourself. Reconcile the evil in yourself. That you are deeply afraid of it. Possibly even afraid of yourself. Please dedicate yourself to a practice of shadow work, and journaling, and parts work, to heal integrate and reconcile the lost and suppressed unconscious parts within yourself, bringing your shadow to the light of consciousness making you more whole again, and more awakened. Also meditate more.

@Godishere Maybe I'm not understanding your self-reference, so let me ask: "yes I do believe that the cosmos dies with 'me'." Are you referring to the "you" that is typing on this forum, and thereby excluding the "me" that is responding to you? Or are you talking about the Self, which is the essence of both "you" and "me"? When you say, "I am the entire cosmos", it points to the latter, and if so I agree. Consciousness is all there is, including the apparent cosmos that it creates. Ultimately, you can't become infinite Consciousness because you already are. Consciousness doesn't change, it is nondual, and it is beyond time and space. It only appears to change, and creates the appearance of separate beings, who reside in a relative cosmos of time and space. It is all an appearance, not ultimate reality. When your apparent body is buried in the apparent ground, Consciousness still appears as other bodies not yet buried in the apparent ground. I don't know if you have awakened, but if so, when you look into the eyes of the people around you, what do you see? Like you, I can only speak to my direct experience. I see the sameness of myself in others, and the sameness of others in me. The apparent individuality is not ultimately real, and this can be realized even within the dream.

@Thought Art Trust your instinct. It sounds like you have had insights, but have not awakened yet. Awakening is the direct realization of absolute truth, beyond any experience. If thinking is involved, it is not awakening. It is the direct spiritual resonance with your divine nature. This enduring realization of unity, where boundaries dissolve and you see the sameness of yourself in all things, is the purpose of life. But where there is unity, one without a second, that is the world of Brahman. This is the supreme goal of life, the supreme treasure, the supreme joy. Those who do not seek this supreme goal live on but a fraction of this joy.

The difference is that your "real" memories have an internal consistency, accessibility, vividness, and emotional resonance which your fake memories will not. As a human ego-mind you are not strong enough to will and weave new alternative memories into being. Memories are dreamt up at a much deeper layer of consciousness than your ego-mind's will. So in practice this makes your memories feel very real. Of course they are still a dream from the awakened POV, but you ain't that conscious so you don't feel that usually.

God awakened itself and became a spiritual teacher so it can further awaken itself again. It has no preference as to what guru it will appear as, whether that might be Christ, Leo, some monk in a cave or some homeless guy ranting incoherently. It's a loop that never ends.

I don’t think there’s anyone else in my life that would get this, so I’m sharing this experience with the people of the forum. It’s a very deep “spiritual experience”, if we are to call it anything. I’d had it pretty easy since my deepest awakening to God/Infinite Love two years ago. A few health issues since then, but nothing special, for the most part just an easy life, feeling happy and fulfilled most of the time. At the same time, paradoxically, I did notice that I was gradually becoming more fearful as I integrated that awakening. I was holding on to those good times and to the fluffy notions of Love and as a result developed the fear of losing those good feelings in the future and made a shadow of the unconditional aspect of Love. It was noticeable, I became hypersensitive to stories that involved extreme pain and suffering and was subtly trying to avoid them. In addition, I had slowly begun forming some beliefs about that awakening and the nature of God. And the experience of dying just before that awakening had been quite traumatic, because it came with deep suffering and resistance. During these two years, I even entertained the notion that maybe once you’ve awakened to God, then there’s no more need for pain and therefore it won’t be experienced – well, the last few days have harshly disabused me of that silly idea. On Monday evening I began experiencing extreme pain, first in the stomach and then the lower back on my left side. That night was awful, I was experiencing new levels of pain that I didn't know/remember were possible. I prayed to God for mercy. I promised that I would take better care of my body. I would never become complacent about life ever again. The next morning I went to the hospital. Almost fainted from the pain on the way there, and then had to go through the hassle of trying to find the emergency room in a hospital where nobody seemed to speak English – I’m in Vietnam and don’t speak the language. In the emergency room, I had to wait for hours in the most extreme pain that I’ve ever experienced – a 10 out of 10 level of pain that just won’t quit. No breaks, no intervals, just non-stop pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I was non-stop howling in pain and even fainted briefly while waiting for the CT scan. They only gave me a shot to kill the pain after the second CT scan – hours after I’d arrived in the emergency room. It turned out that I have a kidney stone. It’s lodged in the ureter, near the bladder. After the injection, the pain subsided and I was sent home with some medication and was instructed to drink loads of water, the stone is apparently small enough to be passed without the need for surgery. The next few days were ok, experiencing crises sometimes but nothing as bad as that first one. This morning, though, it got worse again. And the pain was again at extreme levels, there was nowhere to hide. I put on some music, laid down and slowly felt how I was opening up to the experience. Beauty was recognized in the whole experience, and also there was a deep sense of compassion. Cried my eyes out. And then it hit me. In the midst of the pain. A timeless insight. There was no more fear. There was no more fear of ANYTHING. Death felt like a joke. In fact, I’m pretty sure that death will be an awesome experience. But it went way beyond that. There was no more fear of extreme pain. If pain is to occur, then that’s what will occur. There wasn’t even fear of non-existence. Who cares about non-existence? There was simply no fear whatsoever. None. Over. I think it’s dangerous and a trap to look at spirituality as only butterflies and rainbows. I’ve fallen into that trap. I know that sometimes we say that consciousness can be brutal, and it’s actually pretty easy to say it, but it’s a whole other story when the insight occurs and the fear directly falls away. Now, to be clear, I’m not saying that this is something that has been added to me, the person. I don’t think so. Fear may arise again, but the thing is I’m not scared of fear either. There’s just no fear of anything. And that’s God. That’s the unconditional aspect of Love. It’s utterly fearless. There was no mystical experience, no fireworks, just a sudden insight that was so immediate and deep that I wanted to share it.

This is meant mostly for young seekers who are juggling early life with self-transcendence. It's no surprise that the most awakened people you see in the world are some of the most well-integrated and resourceful people out there. While it's not uncommon for mystics to enter a deep introspective phase of their life, it's not an unproblematic endeavour. In the past, being a mystic was synonymous homelessness, and fortunately for them, there were structures in place that made it possible to survive (Indian culture is very accommodating to mystics). However, in the modern world of Western individualism, it's not a wise decision to leave your life behind, certainly not before it has even started. I recommend re-defining the concept of spirituality from the idea of seeking the highest to integrating the whole. What makes us human is our desire to expand endlessly, and the ultimate expression of this is the desire for truth. You can imagine the desire of truth to be an expansion towards the highest altitude of consciousness. However, the impulse of expansion does not only extend towards higher altitudes but also towards wider breadths and deeper depths. It's not just an movement upwards, but rather it's an expansion in all directions. So in other words, to be truly spiritual is to maximize all expansion in all aspects, not just the higher ones. In fact, when the lower aspects are denied their right to expand, they will impede your ability to go higher. For example, if you deny your sexual energy, this will create a disruption in your emotional system and impede your spiritual energy. There are a myriad of "lower energies" within you that need to be processed and expressed before you can fully move on to the next level (e.g. the desire for safety, belonging and esteem), and working on the wordly things will help you in that direction. So it's not just that it's impractical from a survival perspective to not develop the lower aspects of yourself, but it will also cause problems for your truth-seeking. I can use an example from my personal life to illustrate this point: I've personally had a little "wood mystic" phase in my early teens (dropped LSD a couple of times, started smoking weed heavily to expand on those insights). What initially began as an intense seeking for truth turned into a denial of personal responsibilities and avoiding the hardships of life (stopped caring much about school, friends and family), and the stress from having to deal with all those bad decisions made me very neurotic and depressed. I later realized that the dysfunctional part of my behavior stemmed from some emotional issues, namely having had very strict parents that didn't let me fully express my emotional impulses, and that me immersing myself completely in truth-seeking and avoiding responsibilities was me trying to fill that hole from my youth. Something as basic as the need to express one's impulses (to consume, to indulge, to "want", to self-assert), which I expressed through intense truth-seeking, was ultimately creating more problems for me and holding me back. What I was avoiding, and what I'm focusing on now, is to integrate my personality, harvest my potential, become a resourceful person and then go directly for truth without being a liability to others. I'm not saying that what happened to me will happen to you, but there are many things that can go wrong if you take the seeking approach over the integrating approach. Every part of your life impacts every other part in some way, and if you fail to address one part, it will have a detrimental impact on the whole. This is essentially a lesson in holistic thinking: of not getting too caught up in one aspect of life, but to be able to see the bigger picture.

@Thought Art Interesting post. I like the way you think. It could go a few ways. You may have no desire to change anything, because it would appear perfect as it is. Or becoming aware there are infinite realties, you could focus into one where you could play the role of awakened moderator. You would have to follow what your intuition tells you. Beings choose this earth reality for very unique experiences. Some honestly don't want to awaken. To them that would defeat their purpose for being here. They are enjoying the game of being unconscious.

What if you could become so awakened that you embody the love on infinity in your life purpose? You would be able to change the world I think. Imagine being an Infinite Mod. A lighthouse Born from Infinity to serve in the awakening of infinity to its highest love? Just like how video games have moderators what if you could awaken so deeply you basically become a reality moderator. You would have to go as deeply as you could possibly go. You would need to be more mature, grounded, skillful and loving than 99.9% of people. You would need the biggest map, biggest heart.... Thick face black heart... Main goal: Unity, Truth, Love, Holism, beauty, health, etc

In Absolute reality, there is no goal. Goals belong to the world of the relative. For one who is not yet awake to their own nature, the goal will be to "wake up." But once woken up, it's revealed that the goal only existed in the context of one who believed they were a separate entity with a personality, history, and, yes, goals. Pertinent to your questions, however, there are some things that cannot be known no matter how awakened a being is. And that includes what comes after physical death for an organism. Anybody trying to give you clear-cut answers on what follows the death of the body is just speculating.

I wouldn't say it's stupid...It's a good contextualization for those that wish to latch onto a belief system such as that. But, that's just my opinion lol. I do agree we need to be careful on what we say when it comes to these things. It's a tricky situation because I can understand people's desire to teach/share. When I first awakened I really wanted to teach others, but came to the conclusion there was the potential to harm others and it wasn't worth it. But, I have nothing against those who do teach and people such as Leo have a great way of contextualizing themselves though it's still not without it's potential danger. I don't hold Leo responsible for people who take his teaching the wrong way.

Names have been changed for the sake of privacy Wednesday September 29 2021, my father and I smoked 5-MeO-DMT in the form of toad venom. The Story: “I am a 33 year old male living in a beach suburb of Los Angeles. I am healthy, and do not use medication of any kind, or supplements, herbs, etc. My first experience with psychedelics was with LSD when I was 16, and I have also used mescaline, mushrooms, and n,n-DMT. For the past two years I have been using exclusively n,n-DMT and psilocybin mushrooms, and have been fully immersed in wisdom traditions which can broadly be referred to as non-duality.” I first became interested in 5-MeO-DMT many years ago, it’s impossible to know exactly when. Terence McKenna didn’t have much to say about it, feeling that the lack of visual activity was a shortcoming of the compound. Hamilton Morris botched some parts of it's history in a season 2 episode of his VICE show, only to make a spectacular comeback to kick off season 3. Memes and myths about psychedelic toads are common enough that even the lay person has heard of licking toads to get high. But that’s not the route of administration called for here. Incilius alvarius, formerly bufo alvarius, aka the Sonoran Desert toad or Colorado River toad. The largest toad in North America, this unassuming creature is recognizable by the venom sacks on its arms, legs, back, and parotid. When the toads emerge from hibernation en masse, one can collect their venom by squeezing the glands thereby spraying the excretion onto a piece of clean glass. After a period of drying, the venom contains ~15% 5-MeO-DMT, which can then be scraped and vaporized. When heated in a glass pipe, one long toke of this pungent vapor will produce what is widely regarded as the most intense entheogenic experience possible. In recent years, as relationships between US and Mexico based practitioners grow, a beautiful entheogenic culture is being birthed, with this toad at the center. Over the past two years my father and I fell in love with the synergy between n,n-DMT and non-duality, and he is rather active on social media in sharing his insights and perspective. We have a special bond, and after I shared n,n-DMT with him he has served himself on several occasions. Two weeks before this experience someone reached out to him on social media, curious if the information he’s been sharing was catalyzed by an encounter with 5-MeO. After some discussion, an exchange of names and numbers, and the auspicious alignment of several vectors, we booked a 6pm session in Malibu. Fast forward two weeks. The day arrived. I fasted, and left work early in order to buy some comfortable clothes for the experience and to give myself time and space to settle. Mild nervousness began to set in at this point. Sweaty palms. It was 2 hours until the ceremony, and I took time to sit and follow my breath and refine my intention for the encounter. I left home with time to spare for unexpected changes in traffic and a beach meditation en route to the facilitator’s home. After the drive and a few minutes spent admiring the Pacific, I met my father at the entrance to the house. If you imagine a cross between a Hobbit house, a cathedral, and an organic spaceship overlooking the ocean, the image will not be far off. We were greeted by one of the facilitators, Luna, who informed us that the previous guest was still processing and integrating, which gave us time to chat poolside with Jeremy, the lead facilitator. Jeremy is also my father’s name, and like my father he spent most of his career in western medicine. This is one of many synchronicities which surrounded this experience and continue to bubble up in my life. We shared awakening stories and practical information as the sun slowly set on the ocean, and when the time came we were ushered into the spacious and well appointed interior. This is where the ceremony was conducted, and I couldn’t have imagined a more comfortable or welcoming environment. All the expected design elements were present, raw wood, stone, and an altar whose center piece was a large amethyst geode which resembled a pair of open wings. Inside, we were introduced to Alicia, the final of the three facilitators. We were cleansed with sage, and moved into place on simple padded mats adorned with the likeness of Ganesha which had been laid out on the floor. My father was to go first and I would follow him 15 minutes later. The medicine was delivered in the Eclipse, a type of vaporizer with a threaded end into which a vial containing one’s individual dose is loaded. A most effective tool. Music came down, the lights dimmed, and incense was burned. This was it. Kneeling on the mat, my father was handed the pipe to hold between his palms, close to his heart, while one of the facilitators held a typed prayer before him to be read aloud. He read the prayer, and upon completion the dose was delivered. In one long inhalation, the entire dose was received. One single breath. My father laid down on his side where the facilitators quickly and gently rearranged pillows and blankets to support him. The effects come on immediately, and present differently depending on the individual’s nature and needs. Not 10 seconds after the end of the inhalation, my father began vocalizing in complex glossolalia. He was not speaking any language I know, or even know of, but the tone of the message was complete and utter astonishment. I couldn’t help but smile, and at times barely contained myself as the joy turned to laughter, and tried to escape from me the way steam rises from boiling water. Eventually, the mutterings gave way to English, and some of the quality of his experience came through: “Unfathomable. Un-fathom-able. Oh Jesus. Jesus Christ! Of course. That’s it. That’s IT. Jesus Fucking Christ! I get it! Of course I get it, , I get it. How could it be anything else?” This settled down, and no more than 10 minutes after the dose, my father was resting peacefully, in deep communion with All That Is. Jeremy asked me to step outside to speak to him. “Would you like to take the medicine while standing? This is usually reserved for the second session onward, but based on your history I think it would be a beautiful experience. You remain upright, spine in alignment, bridging Heaven and Earth. I’ll be right behind you, waiting to catch you when it comes on. Just fall back and we’ll take care of you.” How could I say no? We headed back inside, and I stood at the edge of the mat while the final preparations were made. This was the moment of Truth. Alicia cleansed my hands with Florida water. She gave me the pipe and held the prayer to read. At this time in writing the report, I am shivering and covered in waves of goosebumps as I coax the memory of that evening from out of the ether. “I am love. I am health. I am peace. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be healthy…” “Now breathe it in, nice and slow. Good, good, more. More, more. Almost there, a bit more, good.” The rich vapor is the taste of mystery. It’s aroma is ancient, spiced, sweet, and deep. Earthy and medicinal, more than anything it tastes of power. As I finished drawing it all in the room quivered, suddenly filled not with air, but a viscous superfluid which was both more real and more dreamlike than waking perception. My arms were still raised, having lifted them over my head while taking the dose as instructed. As I lowered them, I fell back not into the arms of a man, but into the boundless heart of creation. Am I going to do it? Am I going to say “It cannot be described” and then go on trying to describe it? I could spend the rest of my life in effort, and never get any closer to conveying the felt experience. Holy Fucking Shit. This Is It. This Is Me. I Am It. Imagine what it feels like to become history, to become expression, to become Tao. This is everything, complete and outside of time. It is the Transcendental Object at the End of Time. It is loving, self organizing, infinite intelligence. All sense of who I am, that I am a “who,” was blown away in a great cosmic wind. All sensory experience merged into one orgasmic, orchestral cheer which echoed through the halls of creation. I am an old man basking in the sun. I am a wave crashing on the shore. I am touch, number, color, smell, sound, taste, light, electricity, magnetism. I am the telling of a joke and the punchline. I am the intimate symmetry of flowers in bloom. I am liquid light in love with itself, dancing into form, dancing out of form. I am an impossible object of infinite potential. The only thing to do is everything, and so I do everything. I am every possible extreme and subtlety, the transcendence of quality. I am without quality. Total. There is nothing to which or against which comparison is possible. All of reality is One. All of reality is won. This is a solvent. The problem solved itself. Holy shit This Is It. I felt the crystalline nature of the eternal moment precipitate from the supersaturated solution that is all the teachers and all the teachings of my life. The qualities of my father’s loving wisdom are in me, I am them. I am the radical insistent wisdom of Leo Gura, and I became him, and we were the universe, astonished and weeping with joy at having done it again. We did it. We remembered. I laid there as the infinite descended into form and all of reality knit itself back together I opened my eyes. Perfect brilliant stillness. Complete luminous abiding. Total radiant peace. I rested in the delicious feeling of being alive. Of being Life. I closed my eyes. “Hey bud, how are you doing? You want another puff? It’ll be like a deep meditation.” Jeremy laid a gentle hand on my chest. How could I say no. I remained prone on the mat while Jeremy administered the second dose. The inhalation was slightly shorter, but the depth of this experience was just as profound as the first. The Knowing was there again. What we call reality is the appearance of opposites, across all possible axes, in perfect dynamic equilibrium. In this configuration there is infinitely loving creative intelligence. Life trusts and loves itself completely, and so gives itself full permission to express itself Completely. It’s here, it’s right there, for you to take it all. Something trying to move, and I have to allow it. Drawing a breath, I let out an exultant howl rising and then falling in the end. It felt like the ultimate acknowledgment of who I am. From somewhere in the distance I heard the howl returned, a howl of recognition from my father. I howled again, jubilant. Who knows how long I lay merged with this unity. Eternity isn’t a long time, it is the transcendence of time. Coming back, slowly, slowly, gently. Piecing together my individuality was like putting on the finest clothes I whispered to myself: “My name is Mason Newhouse. My father’s name is Jeremy Newhouse. My mother’s name is Lucienne Pavot. I am speaking the universe into existence. Satya is the truth of existence.” I shuddered with bliss at the simple facts of my being. I bathed in that bliss for a moment, and wriggled cozily, feeling like a child in bed on a lazy Sunday morning. Eventually I sat up, and reflexively spit a congealed ball of emotion across the room, and looked at Alicia seated to my left. "Well, that's it. Welcome to Utopia " Alicia smiled and nodded. The sun had set, and the spacious, dimly lit space was rich with magic and the potent scent of toad venom. The room was thick with emotion, and I looked at my father on the mat beside me “So that’s it.” he said “That’s it.” I replied “Two thumbs up.” To my right and behind me I saw Luna, and heard her crying gently. There is the impression that something profound had just taken place, and everyone sat quietly together in pure open awareness. My father and I hugged and laid on our backs, head to head, marvelling at what had just taken place. Jeremy came over to welcome us back. He thanked us for the beautiful session, saying that it brought him even closer to his own father, with whom he has shared this experience. We all sat together talking for a bit, about the experience we had, about the people it has helped, research being done, etc. “It’s nice to have a body.” I say, and I mean it. “A nice human thing.” We all sat for a while, and as big talk turned to small talk, the evening drew to a close. I offered my deep gratitude to our facilitators, to the people who harvested this medicine, to the toad, to the earth, to the sky, to myself. To The Self. Years, indeed lifetimes could be spent in describing the awakened non-dual state, and that’s exactly what’s going on. All religions, mystery schools, and spiritual traditions are pointing to this. There is nothing new I need to say or could say. Any way I approach it, this experience is a transcendence. It is nothing like n,n-DMT, and yet an obvious expansion on it. There is no way I could have prepared for it, but everything in my life led to that moment. It was infinite power and infinite gentleness. I have to choose to end the report here, lest I go on forever. I'm in no hurry to go back to that space but I savor the thought of when the time comes to return. tl;dr I smoked dried toad venom and became God, which is synonymous with Universe, Love, Tao, Reality, Energy, Intelligence, Creation, Imagination, Consciousness, Eternity, Infinity, Everything, Nothing. This. Here. Now.