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Yes, exactly! I like what you said there. You're talking about the natural deep force. I call it flow. This is definitely part of enlightenment (truth). Because in the real thing (truth), there is a flow. The ego (our human embodiment), upon initial thought, likes to think of this as a massive, grandiose, powerful, infinite light that flows back into the human body (ego) from the nothingness / everythingness, but in reality (truth), it's just a transformation from the nothingness from the truth's "perspective." No distance at all. No suffering when this happens. Only peace and love as a result. Anyway, we're blessed with different talents, interests, and abilities because of the flow -- go with the flow to create less suffering and peace in our world in our own ways as individuals. Our thoughts are flowing in coming from the nothingness telling us about this. Just let your unwanted thoughts flow away and be present since this creates suffering. This monk is practicing the effortless action. I like to call it meditative flow:

You have to surrender to the fact that you do not know and you will not be able to understand no matter how much you research it ("drop the search"). You seem to have a strong analytical mind so it comes natural for you to think about topics and connect the dots. This can be extremely helpful in certain scenarios, but very hindering in others. Complexity is fascinating, but it can not be fully understood.. there are just too many variables. At some point you will have to accept that you cannot know anything for sure. But maybe it's not painful enough for you yet.. at some point when you totally exhaust yourself with this excessive analysing you might be able to just drop this need to know. And that's when the real transformation happens.

@winterknight After self-inquiring for several minutes sometimes it feels that the whole panorama of experience (thoughts+sensation+visual+auditory) is being 'awared of' simultaneously and there is no localized 'I' anywhere. Though 'I' pops up here and there, it is seen through immediately with the 'rule' of the self inquiry. There is a feeling/understanding that all of it is objective.. that is, there is nothing in it that can be called the 'I', the subject. Sometimes it comes with a noticeable change of consciousness (a noticeable spaciousness and centerlessness) but often no significant transformation seem to have taken place.. consciousness feels the same, albeit may be a little more 'lighter' and peaceful. There is a little bit of spaciousness may be but i am not sure. What to do in this state? When the spaciousness and centerlessness is not very noticeable, should I conclude that the false 'I' is still hiding somewhere as something in the present experience and is not being seen through?

@Cepzeu My pleasure. @d0ornokey Good addition. I love Jocko. Though David R. Hawkins was already in there. @BjarkeT Thanks. Feel free to help us make it bigger. Julien deleted all his pickup videos and wants to be a pure self-help teacher now from what I saw. I created some of his recent facebook ads and social media creatives and from the content I needed to go through for that, it seems that he is moving into green pretty well. He wants to teach people how to get over childhood trauma, insecurities, learn how to meditate, become awesome human beings etc. He is not interested in teaching people how to pick up girls and have sex anymore. He just released 'Transformation Mastery Academy', which is pretty dope. Tyler also recently got into healthy vegan eating, juicing, taking herbs, getting rid of outcome dependency, teaching how to build genuine relationships and confidence etc. He still has a plenty of orange, but he is slowly moving into green. I think Nelson Mandela was green, although I haven't studied him that much. Hmmm, yeah, on second thought, Gandhi might also have also been only green, but idk. I started his autobiography ('Experiments with Truth') a while ago but I got bored of it a quarter way through. I don't know him well enough. What I know of him is from the autobiography and the movie 'Gandhi'.

There are indeed too many beautiful gems of condensed wisdom out there to choose one. I'd rather make a whole necklace out of them and allow them all to sparkle in their own glorious way - which is what Leo has been doing with his book list. A few that have really guided me or at least resonated with me (which may or may not do the same for you, since we're all in different parts of this maze) include: The collected works of Zhuangzi Tao Te Ching, by Laozi Hero With A Thousand Faces, by Joseph Campbell On the Taboo of Knowing Who You Are, by Alan Watts Symbols of Transformation, by Carl Jung The Teachings of Don Juan, by Carlos Castaneda

Thank you all so very much for your replays. I will hopefully begin reading Mastering the Core Teachings of the Budda very Shortly. The spiritual-journey is not necessarily always pleasant and involves emotional-labour repeatedly, but the ultimate reward or rather realisation and transformation is beyond words.

Your plan sounds reasonable although I'm completely ignorant about copyrighting and web development. In my experience, quick, drastic change rarely 'sticks' but transformation is definitely a word that better describes how change can be lasting. Transformation occurs more definitively when it happens gradually and in concert with continuity of consciousness. Arnold Keyserling put it-- We forget our aim because we change personalities every 5 minutes all day long.

In the Aquarian Age, Spiritual Guru's are passé. Friendship is paramount. The procession of the vernal equinox point in the Cosmic Year proceeds backwards clockwise through the constellations: 72 years for one degree, 2,160 for one "cosmic month" or sign, and 25,920 years for the whole Zodiac. The 26,000 number corresponds fractally to the number of breaths in a day. The history of Neolithic Man, of Humanity from a global point of view, covers five completed ages, and as mentioned has just entered the sixth stage. SIX AGES OF COSMIC HISTORY 8838 - Clan - Animism 6678 - Tribe - Vision Quest 4518 - City - Book of the Dead, Writing 2358 - People - Ritualization of Life 198 B.C. - Empire - Messenger of God 1962 A.D. - Humanity - Technology, Personal Way Humanity is now in the global technological civilization of Aquarius/Body Thinking, the age of spiritual democracy. In the new age we have to integrate the five former historical ages like the traumas of personal life in psychoanalysis.,,,,,, (Zigzag Idiot - The above makes me think of Spiral Dynamics on a historical scale of known current Human Civilzation.). ,,,,,,, In the Aquarian Age of Body Thinking, with technology, everyone has to find his personal way, starting from the dark towards the light. The age of Empires is dying and being replaced by global consciousness, a one world network of friends - Spaceship Earth. Today the individual is paramount and the differences between people are accepted and affirmed. The myth of Satan versus almighty God is exploded. The individual now finds and creates their own way. Evil can now be recognized as the personal shadow which has to be integrated with the help of psychology. Beyond good and evil, a person can be grounded in the infinite, Zero, in God. Today we find God by tuning into the basic time cycles, and discovering our basic mental gestalt, our meaning and purpose in life. In the Zero dimension the individual can find their roots in CHI, in the capacity of Self Organization. They can travel full circle from a limited ego, little "I", disassociated with the Self, onto the Zero - the Self - where the false ego is shattered. Then the way goes back from out of the Self into the true Ego, the big "I". The big "I" is in contact with the Self and includes the "I" of all others in the Universe. With the holistic Ego fully present in the fourth dimension, a person finds fulfillment by development of their unique potential, their personal path. In the Aquarian Age this path involves creative fulfillment by some type of personal service or work of some kind - work for the earth and all of nature, including human-kind. Instead of mastery and loyalty common to the last age, work and friendship are the common denominators of this age. The friendship of equals replaces the parental or schoolmaster discipline of the last age. This emphasis on friendship has already begun to transform all of society. The trend will continue as the archaic institutions of the past decay and are replaced by dynamic new structures in tune with the times. The transformation has begun on all levels, including the spiritual disciplines. For example, the School of Wisdom is a gathering of friends based on individual understanding, tolerance and merit. Followers are discouraged and adherence to specific dogmas and authoritarian lineage is anathema. The transformation has already had strong effects on the family where friendship is the new basis of both husband-wife and parent-child relationships. It is effecting business where the boss-employee relationship is becoming friendlier and less polarized-hierarchial. It is effecting world governments where the enemy us-them mentality is dying in favor of global cooperation. The holistic view of friendship on all levels has arrived - between all of humanity with each other, and between humans and all other forms of life on this planet. In the Aquarian Age ecological awareness re-emerges in importance on a global level. We are not masters of nature, we are her friends. This even applies to our technology, as our machines and computers become ever more user-friendly. The Piscean Age of industrialism and empire - which was at the end severely polluted and unfriendly to the Earth - is dead or is dying. So we should not be concerned with trying to destroy the old age, the old ways. That is inevitable. It naturally follows the Progression of the Equinoxes. Instead, we should be concerned with building solid structures to replace the old. Our new structures will last if they are based on environmental awareness and are friendly to the Earth and all forms of being and consciousness. The new historical era started on February 4, 1962 with a solar eclipse over New Guinea. At that time all of the planets, except for the trans-Saturanian ones, were located at 15 degrees Aquarius. There is no need for an apocalypse, and no need to wait for a future age of coming good. The New Age is already here, the potential is at hand. All that is needed is understanding and work to fulfill the new potentials. From: Chance and Choice - A Compendium of Ancient and Modern Wisdom Revealing the Meaning and Significance of the Myth of Science http://www.chanceandchoice.com/ Arnold Keyersling, a student of Gurdjieff, put this book together with his Student at the time, Ralph Losey. Arnold Passed away in 2005. In 2003 Ralph sent me a VHS tape of Arnold giving a talk entitled From Human Potential To Human Actualization.

I push boundaries with transparency. I expose the I to extents I never dared to go before. I try to love the fear. Others seem not to be responding to fear with love and accaptence. I made a breakthrough, one could say. I left the past where it was. I travelled to the other side of the world. I have been living in a completely new enviroment as a new version for a long time. The only one who has been going through this transformation simultaniously is my girlfriend. But our paths are not identical; we realize this. I tend to get arrogant. I tend to expose and brag about my progress. I tend to be ideological. I tend to listen poorly. I also get upset when I am not heard. At times I get nuts if I get misunderstood. I also receive the same feedback. Interactions with strangers are smooth, open and effortless. A few friends from my past are entering my reality again. A newer version of them. But the old me is so dofferent I now fear to be fully authentic. I fear to be perceived as an arrogant dick and full of myself. In fact I am full of myself. But I am also empty. Is wanting to be noticed, acknowledged and appreciated what's bugging me? I know I am capable of showing appreciation and admiration. Is wanting to receive the same a trap? Should I be the one who is generous regardless? Or should I just not give a fuck? Thank you.

I've had this same experience as you, as have thousands of men before us. It's the difficult process of becoming a man, which most men don't ever actually undertake in a healthy, introspective way. Not trying to lecture or rant here, so apologies in advance if it comes off that way. A lot of this is me attempting to understand this exact same process as it's been going on in my life very heavily within the last year (I'm 22). 'I'm a big man now huh, look at how strong and smart I am with my job and my hot girlfriend? I'm the King!' All this bravado about our own strength and yet there's this underlying current that is growing stronger in the mind that this is largely a facade created by our ego to cover up deeper levels of our psyche, deeper levels of pain that we don't want to acknowledge. This doesn't mean we don't recognize our own strengths and power, but it comes from a much more humble, grounded place after we are able to acknowledge our own 'weakness.' The example I use in grounded confidence is someone like Bill Gates, you think he gives a shit if people know he has money? No, he doesn't care less because he's so grounded in his status and who he is. I laugh even calling our emotional nature a 'weakness' as if it is some thing that isn't exactly as it should be. We all grow up and inevitably get hurt physically, emotionally or spiritually in some form or fashion, that's just part of the human condition and is normal and natural. Our father beat us physically, our friends talk shit about us and exclude us, etc. etc. The issue is when we deny/repress the pain that we are justifiably feeling (as I did for most of my childhood) and try to act like superman, like we are invincible. What you are probably experiencing now is the hurt/fragility/weakness that you felt at a much earlier age in life when some bad shit happened. So trying to 'kill the weak boy' is only going to make the problem significantly worse. That's trying to further deny and disown the pain that you are feeling as if it is a bad thing. True transformation comes from acknowledging to yourself that you've been hurt and giving yourself whatever it is you need to heal your wounds. If that means crying and becoming depressed as fuck for a month, so be it. This will be very difficult for most men as we are not taught self love or sensitivity but rather to be stoic, hard and emotionless. Most of my childhood I wanted to be a Navy SEAL, I wanted the hardest thing fucking possible because I was invincible and nothing could stop me blah blah blah. Little did I know that was the 'weak little boy' inside of me in the shadows of my mind controlling me. I needed so badly to prove to myself that I was strong and not weak. Self love doesn't mean becoming a little bitch, quite the contrary actually. Being a little bitch is pretending that you are invincible to any pain, suppressing it deep within your being, and forcing the world to acknowledge how much of a king you are. Once you understand this dynamic you'll understand why so many famous people are so arrogant and self centered; it stems from a deeper insecurity that has not been worked through and will never get fixed no matter how much money, power, or girls one has. Floyd 'money' mayweather? Ha, such a joke... Everyone look, you guys! I'm special, I have money! This is why there are so many young 20 something year olds that act like douche bags flexing on everyone else. You said you want the king to show up? What is a king, what does that truly mean? Someone who dominates everyone else and acts like a tyrant.... or someone who is so fucking strong and grounded in himself that he can literally support thousands of others. You tell me what takes more strength. A king must have both the brute power, aggression and strength (that most young men chase and emulate) to defend his kingdom and set up boundaries from outside attack. On the other end of the spectrum, a king must have the softness, vulnerability, compassion, and sensitivity to take care of those within his kingdom. There is so much strength in this tenderness in a man, this is what our world is largely missing; real kings that have the psychological grounding to truly care for and heal others. A true king is so grounded in his strength/masculinity that he is comfortable in his passivity, softness and femininity. A male lion sits on the throne of the animal kingdom while his wife goes and hunts, you think he gives a fuck? When one is able to admit to themselves all the things they are ashamed of and that they hate about themselves, a massive burden is lifted. There is no more running away from weakness or 'being a little bitch.' There is an increased feeling of accepting oneself imperfections and all, a natural raising of self esteem (regardless of what your external results are) and giving way less of a fuck what anyone else thinks. Very counterintuitive and honestly a difficult fucking process. A good metaphor to think about it (as has been tremendously helpful for me) is that you are taking care of a child. If the seven year old version of you suddenly became your current day son, would you tell him to not be a pussy, to not be weak when he gets hurt? No, you'd act like the King that you are and you'd take care of your son. Although this is a metaphor, its also pretty literally what this is all about. Sorry if this was way too fucking long but I know exactly how you feel and a year ago would have never even considered this stuff. I just needed to fuck more chicks and get more jacked... and I did and it just got worse. I would've never thought how much I hated myself as a kid, how deeply hurt I was by my parents, how much I felt like a piece of shit even though I was a star athlete with a hot girlfriend and all that usual BS. Integrating all this is painful as fuck, no denying that. But on the other side of all the gut wrenching emotional work, man it's a different world. You're no longer controlled by the weak/fragile little boy, but rather able to fully embody all that you aspire to be. Hopefully you or anyone else reading this is able to derive some value. Looking forward to your comments.

@Leo Gura Good to hear, I bet once you are permanently awake a psychedelic like LSD will only give you the visual effects. I remember reading about eckhart tolles LSD experience and that it wasnt a big deal to him because it just intensifie the colors and sense perceptions, or that story about that one enlightened master that allegedly didnt feel anything on a big LSD dose. I think by that point you will only get the sense perceptions of psychedelics because the inner transformation is already done. its also a good indicator that you are on the right track with the states you get in psychedelics.

square pegs and round holes. Arrrrghhh! Time to walk the plank on this one. Dammit, I was hoping I could run away from myself just a little while longer... Deep down, I knew that starting this health coaching program was not "hell yeah" for me. It was more a "Let's-do-something-so-I-don't-feel-like-a-loser-in-mother's-basement yeah". I spent a sluggish month deliberating whether or not to drop the large sum of money for the program. The fact that it took me so long to decide, along with the fact that my decision came from someone else's opinion of the program, demonstrates to me that my decision came from fear-based ego, not love-based authentic self. I've undoubtedly learned a ton about different diets, mind/body connection, counseling people, following the body's intuiton... but good lord, I am not a coach. I hate that word. Coach implies someone who arranges all of the logistics, who is passionate and oo-rah-rah, who is an excellent accountability partner... and I'm not that at all. I'm the one who slinks off towards that mountain in the distance and returns to drop off a bunch of goodies as a byproduct of personal transformation. I can hold space for people, but I don't cheer for people. I could care less about logistics and accountability...and quite frankly, the fact that someone would even need accountability shows that they don't want their desires badly enough. Personal transformation happens by yourself, with yourself. Of course, that's my opinion, coming from an extreme personality. I recently discovered that my star sign is Aries, which explains my brash anti-herd mentality, my pounding square pegs into round holes, my competitive spiritual ego, my naive idealism, my extremist dieting, my struggles with relationships, and my solitariness. As I release those crusty egoic blockages, I see more and more this ram-like energy busting out of me. A ram doesn't coach; a ram leads by example. That's why I gravitate towards songwriting, writing, and more solitary creative activities. I feel like I'm here primarily to document my own journey of awakening in artistic fashion, rather than try to guide other people on their journeys. A shame, indeed, that it took six months and a decent amount of money to figure this out...and I still have six months to go on this program. Who knows? Maybe things will change, and I can use this certificate in some other way. Reminder to self: If it ain't hell yeah, it's no.

Through great inescapable suffering blooms the radical acceptance for anything that happens or anything that could happen to you. Having the willingness to recognize: "There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." Through this great opportunity of metamorphoses comes intense inner peace, balance and beautiful liberation from an internal cage. For me suffering has ultimately eliminated misery, grief, & all fear of suffering because once you suffer tremendously, you are awakened to deep levels of empathy, unconditional gratitude for all inherent aspects of life, (and not just temporary thrills) and the unpredictable change/possibilities that inevitably rise with it. Pain brings the recognition that something must be released & healed. Suffering has only brought me to a deeper understanding of myself and my life to the point of truly appreciating it for all the wonderful transformation, spiritual evolution and purification it has given me. "Those who have suffered understand suffering and thereby extend their hand." -- Patti Smith

I’m starting to be able to do this. It requires a transformation regarding what kinds of expectations you place on language. Most people think of language as giving us conceptual truths, and they look for conceptual truths. These are linear statements — it’s this way or that way and never both. When you move away from the issue of Truth and become more pragmatic, you stop expecting language to give you conceptual truth so much. What happened to me is instead of using language to create and believe in conceptual truths, I use language now to make sure I’m seeing all sides of things when I’m trying to balance my life, make decisions, do planning, etc. I tend to think in terms of paradoxes but I don’t interpret the paradoxes to be conceptual truths, just useful heuristics that keep me from being stuck in belief or ideology one way or the other. Paradoxes allow me to utilize the pros of concepts but avoid clinging to beliefs or other cons of concepts.

@Serotoninluv Recently Leo talked about the distinction between States(a phychedelic/meditative high) and Stages(permanent transformation that actually sticks). Would you say that your dmt breakthrough took you to the next stage? Or are you still trying to make sense of and integrate those states?

What do you make of what sages say about 'spiritual experiences' ? That, they are great and very important but they are still experiences. They show that you are that which can manifest in ways completely different from the normal human experience .. so no time, no space, extremely expansive, something a mind cannot even imagine.. but the manifestation is still form at the end of it. And it is a mistake to confuse it with realizing the Self in the way @winterknight or traditional paths talk about. SOrry I am not trying to downplay your experience and transformation. I say to people who have never tried any psychedelics exactly what you are saying. I am just exploring their relation to the true spirituality. I have always seen sages caution against confusing psychedelic experience with realizing ones true nature, since the true nature is what always is,. in the simplest of experiences.

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace. It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive. So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all. THE STORY SAYS: Ivan woke up this day around 1 'o clock. He is not the guy who is way too concerned about when he wakes up. Or time in general. He knows he will wake up exactly when he's supposed to. He knows this, except for when he does not. Then he usually judges himself for being "immature" and "irresponsible". With his barely opened eyes, he found his way to the bathroom. Leak - Flush - Splash - Towel. No mirror talk. Not even a "cool guy wink" or a "motivational mirror-high-five". Nada. He was in a rush, sorta. Ivan then made a coffee for himself. Thoughts were floating throughout the apartment, occasionally flying through his head. He was trying so hard to ignore every one of them. He was trying to just casually walk his way towards "enlightenment", whistling along. Lately, Ivan is all about this thing called "enlightenment". He has been staying up late for quite a while now. Thinking about everything that's changing, contemplating, questioning, staring into the dark. He honestly feels like he's onto something. This time it really seems that way to him. He is not the guy who usually claims victory too soon. Except for when he does. This causes Ivan to question now more than ever. Now he knows, that he doesn't know at all. Now he's sure of it, kinda. 3 knocks on the door and 3 words: "Sweetie, wake up." Ivan is in love. Deeply. He is certain he has found his soulmate. Her name is Diana. She's gorgeous. Diana was sleeping in the other bedroom. The two have been sleeping apart for a few days now. Their sleeping cycles and their daily rhythms differentiate. There are no hard feelings; both accept what is. Except for when they don't. Ivan desires to express himself now: Ok. I get it. The joke is on me. It's not like I wasn't suspecting this would happen. But now that it's happening...Man. What the actual fu*k. I am doing all this hard work, grinding my way towards this freaking "enlightenment", why? So I'd be gone? What the fu*k man? And there's nothing I can do about it?! WHO DOES THAT? God is insane, indeed, he is. Too bad I can also somehow grasp now, intellectually, that I am that mutherf#$&er. How can that possibly be? I mean. C'mon. Just. C'mon. HOW COULD I NOT BE FREAKING OUT?! How can anyone be "meh" about this?! I am disappearing for God's sake! Literally! Also not to mention my circumstances are still under "construction", after everything has been destroyed and turned to dust, 3 years ago. I started this spiritual crap and poof. Everything collapsed. All I wanted to do is be a successful musician, damn it. Was I supposed to keep the job that was slowly killing me? Or any other job I'd hate? No difference, ay? I'd disappear one way or another. What the fudge man. No wonder I can't function properly. No wonder we're broke. There barely is any me left. And the outside...Well, the outside is empty. And that's scary. I know I can rise up to anything extremely fast. Music was my teacher. I can last forever doing what needs to be done to get those results. If I really want to, I can. My focus is intense as fu*k! And I gave my everything to have the skills I have today! I had nothing else, damn it! No family! Barely any friends! And now I have to give up even myself?! Even music?! COME THE FU*K ON. THE STORY SAYS: With those emotions and thoughts rising up, Ivan was certainly not able to "achieve enlightenment" this day. He felt so close, yet so far away. He now knows the way. Except for when he does not. He made a major "breakthrough", one could say. He was able to see through himself. He was able to become "nothing and everything simultaneously" - as he likes describing it himself. He knows it is very counter-intuitive to talk about nothing and everything to someone. He did not want to trap himself. He wanted to avoid all traps. Ivan thought he was cleaver and fast enough. He felt like a ninja who cannot be touched. What a guy. Soon Ivan found himself trapped, once again. One thought to another, right back in the labyrinth. Ivan was delusional again. Here and Now no more. He had the urge to talk to his love, Diana about his new discoveries and accomplishments. He wanted someone to tell him how awesome he is for achieving what he did in such a short period of time. Ivan was in a desperate need of acknowledgment and valuation. He was never acknowledged or valued by his parents. Poor guy. Diana was feeling weak. Nothing serious, thank God. But her ear is most likely to be inflamed. She is going through a big transformation as well. Her body is showing obvious signs. She is in need of special care, attention, love and nurturing. Ivan knows this, but he's too busy with catching "enlightenment". It is not unusual for the couple to have a spiritually oriented conversation. In fact, they talk about those things all the time. It is also not unusual for them to have nasty intellectual and emotional fights. Ivan decided to push the boundaries. One argument after another, the two ended up in a non-dual war and conceptual chaos. Ivan desires to express himself now: I fu*kin' knew it. The moment I try to put this non-dual bullsh*t into words and concepts, I get f-ed in the A. Hard. I don't know how to articulate this sh*t properly yet nor is that possible at all. I don't know how to interact "from the other side". And I also most definitely do know. Loving and not trying to expose something that does not exist. F*ck. I got myself trapped again. I was trapped in a loop, pointing my finger to my forehead, trying to explain what cannot be explained to the person I love more than anyone can imagine. Forgetting to love here, forgetting to breath now. Diana means the world to me. She and her mother are the only ones who give any f*ck about me. In fact, they care about me like no one ever did before. I am infinitely grateful for that. But I am also an idiot. So I have my idiotic ways. I wanted to act like I cannot be distracted anymore. Like I finally GOT IT. I wanted to let her know what I saw. I wanted to let her know that I was face to face with absolutely nothing and freakin' everything. I wanted to let her know that I was afraid of what might happen if I make the choice to disappear into infinite nothingness. If the concept "Ivan" gets destroyed completely. I got deluded big time. I forgot instantly what everything IS about. She is so good at triggering me. As I am at triggering her. Once we start, it's like watching a domino effect. Flawless chain-reaction. It's intense. I was desperately trying to expose her the paradox, the Truth and the Lie. I wanted to let her know that I've been feeling like a freakin' reality hacker for the past few days. Ever since I joined the Actualized.org forum, it seemed to me like I'm Neo, doing some hard core background coding, re-programming, or whatever the heck. I was getting exactly the right information from exactly the right people on this forum. It's scary how accurate and precise it was. I can't point to this coding, but I can feel it happening. It's in my mind. Everything is being rewired rapidly, if I focus on it. Diana did not "decode" my words correctly and I did not her's. There was a huge misunderstanding. All I wanted to do was to share with her my speculations. I was wondering how life would be, if "I" was to identify with everything. Everything except for Ivan. Including Diana. Insanity is very tricky. And it never felt closer. Somehow, we found our way out of argue. Her mother sent us some money, again. I needed to catch a bus and go to the other side of the town, as I always do when we have money to pick up. I knew Diana's suggestions were completely valid and would be helpful if I was to listen carefully. And I knew I brought the "fight" on myself. So I was already trying to breath deeper and simply love what is. I intended to "make it up" to her once I return. THE STORY SAYS: It should be mentioned that Diana and Ivan have been living in Sri Lanka for a while now. They moved here to seek freedom, abundance, expansion, deeper connection, understanding and more love. Also just fun in general, travel experiences, tasting-touching-smelling-hearing new things, embracing the spontaneous. They wanted to be entrepreneurs. They invested a nice amount of money into a global company, that promised them great business opportunities in Sri Lanka. Diana and Ivan were hooked. After some time, the business collapsed before their eyes, stripping them of all hope. Again. Not for too long though. Ivan got himself involved in this thing called "forex trading". A friend of his, who lives in Slovenia is a successful money-magnet, one could say. He promised Ivan to be his mentor. To guide him into financial freedom. Ivan loves the idea of being financially free. He is certain it is his birth-right. Just as it is everyone else's. As Ivan was walking towards the bus-station, he was regretting his stupidity and delusional thoughts. He knew he should stop or else he would go too far into the Maze. He focused on his breath. On all the birds singing. On the Sun and the pleasant wind. The sound of the waves. The passing locals. He was smiling to every one of them. Slowly merging with the present moment. Ivan desires to express himself now: Diana and me, we went through 2 years of a mixture of heaven and hell. Feels like it was 20. At least. It was messy, psychotic, draining and crushing. Nevertheless, it was also blissful, fun, thrilling, unusual, expensive and full of love. Love unlike any felt before. IT'S THE REAL DEAL. That's why we both rolled up our spiritual sleeves, right from the get go and started grinding toward the perfect versions of ourselves. For each-other - as a gift, for ourselves - as a must. We somehow ended up in Sri Lanka. Dfaq?! I remember having the idea. I also remember trying my best to realize it. But I have no freaking idea why I had the idea to come here. It just seemed obviously right then. Now, it's a bit different story. Sri Lanka ended up suckin' balls in a lot of ways. The monks are not what I expected (of course) , the whole Buddhism thing seems off and brainwashy, no trace of enlightenment or real spirituality. There is dirt, trash (a lot of it), smell, ignorance and GREED everywhere. Before we came here, in my head it seemed like we'll be OK with these things. It's not like we had no clue about anything what's here. But I do fancy taking huge blind leaps of faith and I don't like over-planing stuff. Where's the fun in that? So it is what it is now. Took a while, but we got used to everything and even came to love it. I can easily walk though the hustle and bustle of the city, without doing any spiritual Kung Fu. I can honestly love everything and everybody. No thoughts about it. Nevertheless, I do want to take us somewhere else soon. This place is not resonating with us, that is a fact. I have been noticing signs pointing in the direction of Malaysia and I honestly feel like trading is the missing link. I'm excited about it. And I came to love analyzing and speculating. It sits right with me. It must be it! I'll do everything to make it so! It is our ticket! We cannot be struggling anymore. There is no point in it anymore. As I entered the bus, I got super contracted again. A bit claustrophobic and panicky. People like to stare here, which does not bother me usually. What bothers me is when I tune into the collective thoughts and emotions. The buses here are as crowded as one can imagine. There is no space for air. And my stomach was so contracted, I could not breath through it, not a chance. I skipped breakfast and lunch again. Only coffee and cigarettes. So irresponsible. As I exited, I noticed an even more chaotic atmosphere than usual. More traffic, more crowd. There seemed to be some sort of a protest going on. There was a stage in the middle of the main road and a guy yelling on the top of his lungs something into a mic. The speakers were close to catching fire. I merged with the crowd and made my way to the ATM. THE STORY SAYS: On his way back from the ATM, Ivan was present, Ivan was absent. He approached two random Sri Lankans. He asked them what is happening. "A protest against democracy" -the two replied. Ivan smiled and continued his way towards the station. He then remembered he wanted to "make it up" to his love, Diana. Sri Lankan old ladies are selling beautiful flowers in front of the Buddhist temple every day. Ivan approached a lady and prepared 100 rupees. Without a word being said, the lady handed him exactly the flowers he laid his eyes on just seconds before. He also bought spicy peanuts - Diana's favorite. Ivan decided to walk back, as the traffic was very thick, due to the protest. The buses were barely moving. A tuk tuk driver picked him up after a few hundred meters of walking. One last stop at the super-market; buying all the necessities. He then walked back home to give Diana the attention she deserves. Ivan desires to express himself now: I know when I'm a dick-head. I know I do stupid things. I know when to apologize. It is necessary. I wasn't surprised to find Diana already alright when I arrived. She knows how to take care of herself without her idiot boyfriend. She knows how to love herself. But she also fears being disrespected by me. I've done it before. We both showed disrespect to each-other. But we both can see through those things. We cool ya'all. I gave her the flowers, the peanuts and her favorite dark chocolate. I was forgiven. Love and unity were present again. Rolled a joint; we love to smoke and chill, read and talk. I felt I needed to eat or else I'd collapse any time. But I still had the urge to express my non-dual discoveries and create some sort of an understanding for myself. I also felt like I was in desperate need of attention on that topic in particular. You could say I felt like a dirty attention slut, yes. I ate 3 eggs, some bread and 4 sausages. Can't afford no fancy food at the moment. After the meal; back to the forum - my new favorite hanging place. And also classroom; not to offend anyone. I came across this section. "Digital journal, ay?" - I thought. This might be exactly what I needed. I never bothered writing an actual journal before. When I did, I was a kid and I'd stop after a few days. Music took way too much of my focus. I had no time for that non-sense, pls. BUT THIS. This somehow feels right. I love expressing myself through words instead of melodies and rhythms. It's new. It's different. It is now.

Well actually the imbalanced overpowering masculine energy is the pitfall of practicality. The feminine energy is the receiving part. Feminine doesnt mean for women, feminine means receiver, artist, intuitive. But if we all just take a step back from our masculine minds (whether we are male or female gender wise) and just allow our hearts to receive our attention, the gifts of inner transformation, creativity, renewal and innocence will start blossoming, like an ever-waiting seed, that was buried in the soil of our inner darkness, just waiting for the nourishment of our light.

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace. It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive. So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all. THE STORY SAYS: The rest was much needed. Shifts are now occurring a lot faster. They are a lot more noticeable. Last minute purging signifies the closing door of Ivan's former life, and his beliefs about it. Steps are now being made a lot quicker and easier. Accelerated living is becoming a standard. Synchronicity is becoming a navigation system; a tool. This is everything Ivan ever desired. This Is The One's Choice. It is now finally becoming fully experiential. The capacity has been present all along, waiting to be recognized. Now it is revealed clearly and is undeniable. Ivan is transforming entirely; breathing in more of himself, exhaling misaligned beliefs. The momentum has been steadily building up. A new world is being born. A world of infinite possibilities and absolute freedom. A place of Love, excitement, playfulness and eagerness. A place to truly call "Home". Ivan desires to express himself now: I reached a point where "the speed" was starting to become somewhat...uncomfortable. I came to a quick conclusion, that if I want to reach the Sun without getting burnt badly, I better do it cautiously, gently. These days my vibration would often get so high I'd start shaking like mad. It's like I swallowed a pill of ecstasy, quite literally. I feel ecstatic and hyped about everything that's already here. Precisely because now I know, it is already here. It is not just "believing", anymore. It is not "hoping", anymore. It is not about theorizing and philosophizing. It is not intellectual "out-side-the-box" thinking. It is pure, unshakable knowing. It is certainty. It is firmness. It is directly experiential. It is silent. The gifts and blessings are heading our way, undoubtedly. But, they are also being carried on the back of a bison. A massive collision is about to happen and I want to be as ready and empty as possible. I want to be hit by the bison and feel nothing but love and union. I've been expecting it for long; I should not act so surprised, now that I see it on the horizon. I am grounding myself. Discovering new depths of steadiness. Developing my already existing, as well as new gifts and talents. Deepening my understanding. Rising up to the unconditioned nature of The One. Radiating more love, inviting in more fear. Allowing the process of transformation. Allowing Unity; becoming it. Saying my last goodbyes to past versions of Ivan. The breath is deepening. THE STORY SAYS: Although no pages have been written, in these two days of rest Ivan did quite a few things. He finally made the choice of buying new strings for his instrument. He visited a Buddhist temple and spent some time meditating with a group. He had the online meeting with Sašo and David. He dived deep into singing exercises. The Voice wants to speak; wants to sing. Ivan desires to take good care of his vocal chords. He desires every note to be placed precisely and effortlessly - without a single thought. He desires to be a super-conductor. A resonator. Ivan also started trading like "the big guys", so to speak. In only two days, there were more results than in the past three months combined. Both Ivan and Diana are now certain they opened the door of financial freedom. The stars are lining up. Ivan desires to express himself now: Buying the strings was so...fulfilling. The simplest things like this are now satisfying beyond any description. The amount of gratefulness being embodied is unspeakable. I used to overlook so many things. Now I appreciate my every step. I can now see the perfection in my every move. It has been perfect all along. I just couldn't recognize it. I enjoyed re-stringing and polishing my guitar. I love the smell of new strings. The full, rich sound. The majestic, flawless resonance. I played for hours. I sang for hours. I was trying so goddamn hard to find The Voice. It is here for me to access now. But practice and consistency are required. Balance is needed. The Voice has been asleep for a long time. It is now slowly waking up. We don't want to be rude. We want to be gentle. As I bought the strings, I was passing by the big Buddhist temple in Panadura. We have been living in this town previously, for a month or so. It's a few miles north, closer to Colombo. Pleasant place. I noticed a pull inviting me to check this temple out. I had no idea why, but it seemed important. Enlightenment, silent as it is, went unnoticed. But then again, there is no-one to ask about it. I approached the long stairs, I was barefoot. There was sand; the fingers enjoyed it. Locals were smiling. Some were leaving, some arriving. Each step was taken precisely, consciously. Every counted stair was a world of it's own. The wind was pleasant. A monk was sweeping. Another one was placing food and beverage in front of Buddha's statue. He is lying sideways. He rests eternally. I merged with the silence and peace inside the temple. Old stories painted on each wall. Each giving a hint. Each pointing to one. Some were disturbing. Some were hilarious. Some were sad. All led to one. The messages were clear. The cycles were obvious. These walls are speaking loud. As I existed, I approached the edge. I was high, looking over the city. The buzz was loud, but not distracting. There was a special space for it. A space which could not be filled with anything else. Everything was in perfect place. Flawless. I circled some more, before turning right and heading down. The place is grand. I saw a group of old Sri Lankan women sitting around a huge tree. There were numerous altars, statues, candles, flowers, aromas. A monk was chanting. The women were praying. Many were surprised of I's presence. I noticed eyes watching. I noticed thoughts arising. I noticed confusion. Nothing noticed the I. Nothingness came to be. I sat cross-legged, close to the mighty tree. The air was thick. A lot to invite it. A lot to accept and transform. A lot to love. I was shaking off. Letting resistance exit. Letting all overflow now. Focus put aside. No need to see the eye that looks. No need to scratch the itch that fades. The collective received a boost. Cleared, purified, transformed. Hands were forming intricate signs. Precise and symmetrical. Yes, they were my hands, but there was no Ivan to call them his own. It remained that way. The breath was loud and long; emerging from the ground, existing on top. The rhythm was calm. A bow to the tree symbolized the end of I's meditation. As I was leaving the temple, I was admiring his kingdom. Every inch of it is pure perfection. I is the Father, I is the Son. THE STORY SAYS: Ivan also made the choice to "reconnect" with his long missed brother, Stefan. The two have a special story of their own. It is a strong bond. It is a soul connection. However, Ivan felt like there was something out of place.For some time now, he has been sensing fear while thinking of Stefan. Not knowing was the fear mutual, Ivan wrote to Stefan and expressed his "concerns". Stefan lives in Subotica, Serbia - Ivan's home town. The two haven't seen each-other for more than two years. Stefan was willing to solve "the mystery" and shed some light on the topic. Ivan expressed his hurt from the past, which was preventing him from being completely authentic with Stefan. The two ended up having a nice, effortless communication. Ivan was glad to come to knowing he still has a brother. It is bromance, one could say. Ivan desires deep and honest connections. He knows those are true gems; rare to find. They are priceless. Ivan desires to express himself now: Me and Stefan; we go way back. We somehow clicked once and that was it. It happened just before I moved to Slovenia. I wasn't visiting often. But when I did, we were together pretty much non-stop. We enjoyed talking for hours. We also listened to tons of music, often without a word being said. A look was enough. A smile was telling much more. We share special, strong memories. Not too many of them, but that's the part of the flavor. I really wanted to share with him everything that has been going down lately. We were always so good at motivating the crap out of each-other and expressing pure, genuine admiration. I am indeed glad we're back in touch. I can only imagine the day we meet again. The giggle will be cosmic. On the business side; the call with Sašo and David went great. It was smooth. We were relaxed and synced. Every one of us showed a great amount of respect; it was mutual. I really enjoyed the talk. It was also quite long. David and Sašo offered me a chance to join their trading team; IML. I had the feeling it might be what the call was about. But I wasn't jumping into any conclusions. I see the benefits of being a part of a team, especially as a newbie. But I am kind of a lone wolf. I have my own ways. I don't like filling my mind with what the crowd is suggesting. I feel whole by myself. I kindly let them know this. There was acceptance and applauding. We all agreed every trader has it's own system; it's own methods. Everyone has their own path towards abundance. The communication was effortless. After David left the meeting, Sašo and me talked a bit longer; speculating trades, discussing the psychology behind trading, having a nice trade-talk. It was very pleasant. Turns out; sticking to my inner knowing and confirming once again that I have no doubt in myself was welcome. I was proud. I gained yet another boost. "Wow man, you really stand your own ground now, ay?" - I thought. I was ready for the test. How did it turn out? Whelp. I grew my account for 70% in less than 24 hours. Effortlessly. Instant confirmation and universal thumbs up. Diana was so happy. She's my biggest cheer-leader. I kinda doubt though she can truly comprehend what I am about to do. Even I tend to pinch myself, to make sure this is "real". I now emphasize balance, steadiness, patience, consistency, mindfulness. I will continue with this tempo. The rhythm is just fine. I got all the time in the world. My goal is to keep doubling my account every day for the next two weeks. My entries are precise and neat. Nothing is happening by chance or "luck". I know exactly what I'm doing. I know exactly what I want and how to achieve it. I simply know now. The book came in out of nowhere. I have no idea where it's heading. The book already knows, and that's all that matters. I am so honored to share the knowledge along my journey. I am so grateful I opened myself up to this calling. It is grand. It is humbling. It is powerful. It is now.

@luismatos Hi during those moments self-care and self-love are really important. And yeah sometimes its really hard to function. Also creativity as @Nahm is an extraordinarily useful practice in those times, especially when it comes to expressing emotionally. I really like playing piano and singing, also writing a gratitude journal and self-appraisal (listing the things I have done right when I am in spirals of unworthiness and low-self-esteem) are great tools. Honestly I can lie in bed for days when the emotional fatigue really comes. I dont work but I am a university student and its been very hard to keep up with that, but somehow I have managed so far. Also when it comes to work and day-to-day activities, their benefit is the grounding they provide. Its quite crucial. When it comes to family and friends, the relatinoship side of your life will always be affected, as the emotional debris being buffed out has the most to do with our relationships. Sometimes it is time to set boundaries, to ask for space, or even to ask for support and for some to listen about what youre going through. And sometimes it is time for certain people to leave your life. If anything it makes relationships very dynamic. Dont be shy to take time to yourself. Youre very young and so taking space from your family when going through spiritual transformation can spare you a lot of conflict. You see when were emotionally buffing out, the inner child within is (and it as every right to) will tend to blame a lot of family members... honestly because it has to, and it needs to be done. At the same time, when this happens we are not ready to be reasonable and lead meaningful and productive conversations with the people who have hurt us in the past. I am not gonna say take the pain you have gathered from your family and keep it to your self, because sometimes there is a lot of room for improvement in communication and reltionship dynamics. But when in moments of being emotionally triggered, it is not the best time for debating.

At some point in your psychedelic endeavors, you will face the Ultimate fear. It will feel just as real, as putting your head through the Hangman's knot and stepping off the chair. You will have to surrender your life. However, I am sorry it has to be this way. If you are attached to illusions (as we all are), you will inevitably resist when they fall apart. The real transformation always happens when you take the toughest road. Spirituality is just as beautiful and peaceful, as it is full of fears and confusions. People just like to emphasize the first half.

@luckieluuke I mean I know most of the stuff he is teaching just from enlightenment and transformation study in general, peter ralston, ruper spira, all the stuff on Leos book list... but he has a really cool way of presenting the teachings, cool little twists on these perspectives. Just got to give it a try and see if it resonates with you or not

Also ,I have learned a lot (from top experts and consultants ) about how to create a transformation, not just merely share information.My intention would be to create a transformation not just share information, although I might not do it very efficiently since I do not have years of experience like Leo and those experts.

Of course you should try to maintain as high a consciousness state as much as you can. This is transformation, this is growth. You will change and people around you will start to notice it and they will usually not like it because they expect you to be the old self. Become your new self anyways. Change requires the old dying to the new. A metamorphosis must happen. You are the caterpillar turning into the butterfly. Other caterpillars will not understand your new butterfly form until they do it themselves.

Hey there absolutely is a spiritual component to this. If you think of ego not just as the identification with your body and mind, but also as the energetic, emotional and psychological components and patterns held within the nervous system and the cells of your body (DNA). The reason why I am saying this is that something within me just wants to scream any time someone has a deterministic view of a mental illness, and puts it into a category of "cant be solved with emotional transformation, must be genetic, learn to live with it". I think what many dont realize is that there is a lot of biological components to spirituality, awakening, transformation of emotions and thoughts - its all very much in the body. And so I would say that spirituality that nourishes the body, loves the body, embraces the body and the mind as divine creations will be enormously helpful and functional. It will be the self-care practices, self-love affirmations and embracement, relaxation and self-compassion that will do magic for you. What will not necessarily be too helpful is the "abandoning spirituality" (Its kinda trendy on the forum to be honest) - self-enquiry, dis-identification etc. And by the way to address the genetic component - ego are patterns that have been repeated throughout history enough times that they get ingrained into the DNA and culture (collective unconsciousness).