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Thanks for creating this topic. This is highly inspiring and motivating to see the journey of others ? 1) How long are you into spiritual path? I am interested in spirituality since I was 16. But didn't know what to look for exactly and it was more of a curiosity. Time passed and 10 yrs later I found out, that I achieved almost all of my worldly desires but there was no real happiness. In the time I tried many different forms of meditation, reality creation, yoga, qigong, psychedelics, etc. but only last year when I stumbled upon the teachings of ramana maharshi everything makes perfectly sense to me. Thats when the real journey started and the intense desire for realizing the true self arose. So serious seeking only since 1 year. 2) How many trips on psychedelics have you experienced? And what psychedelics? A lot of low/mid level trips with almost every psychedelics (LSD,DMT,Psilocybin,2CB,Ketamin,5-Meo-DMT,Salvia,...). I nevery experienced complete ego death, because I have very high respect of those molecules and was never able to push me this far. But there were a lot of profound experiences which lead me to where I am right now. 3) How often do you meditate? 30-60min every day since last year. 4) Has your life gotten better or worse? How? Neither. My mental state did not really change that much. I am neither more happy nor more depressed. But my desire for liberation increased dramatically. When I meditate more, I reach places of intense bliss and peace and my live becomes more joyful. But when the ego deception cicks back in I can potentially waste a lot of time only playing video games or what ever my ego desires at that time. I recognize those patterns more and more and in the long run, I am sure that everything will become better, because meditation gets easier over time and the desire for real peace and practise will be stronger than the desire to experience temporary pleasures. 5) What are your main insides, what advice could you give to others? There are so many labels on spirituality and many of them are only deceiving. You can potentially do "spiritual practise" for years but in the end realize, that all of it was just a ego satisfaction strategy. I know when I was about 23 yrs old when I watched a video from leo about self inquiry and thought "hmm that sounds boring, I would rather like to manifest my dream girl or job or whatever". Not saying that something like reality creation is not valuable, but if you TRULY desire liberation, this is not a direct way and can hinder you to see what is really important. The biggest game changer was the teachings of Maharshi, Maharaj and the quotes on https://albigen.com/uarelove/ Only then I realized that almost everything I did before were only detours.

Victim identity. Victim identity is the only thing that can truly make you waste your life. Just look at how some people with horrible childhoods or who are terminally ill go into absolute acceptance and go into absolute bliss. They were dealt the worst cards, but didn't keep the victim identity

It can be proplem. The constant need to take care of the body. To eat, shit, and piss and shower. Is carrying a body a burden or a bliss? The soul is identified with an imaginary temporary physical avatar.. For a while. Not for long time but for a while. The more I recognize my true nature and then compare it to the body.. The more I see the body as a burden. A burden that I have to carry on for my whole life. Babysitting this body. Task after task. Feed me. Please Me. Rest me. Move me. Clean me. Over and over again. A chore after a chore. Until I fall dead after reaching the limit of exhaustion. A house of diseases. A house of desires. The never-ending desire that doesn't amount to anything other than the multiplication of itself and the expansion of disappointment. A house of needs. A house of lacking and constant aiming. The mind can be at ease. The soul can just be content in the now. The body has to perform effort and chase after it's "needs". There seems to be a conflict between the body and the soul. The nature of limitation VS unlimitedness. What is your relationship with your body?

Because you resist to it. For instance, i am a guy who doesn’t give a fuck about talk to girls and you are very shy about it. This your ego you resist to it and surrendering did not happens if you try to talk to a girl. However, you must overcome from it. If you overcome from your all fears every moment will be bliss.l and you will be with the source. Because the things that you are afraid you must overcome from them, but after that there will be no more “you”. ??

Perhaps I wasn't given much freedom for me or anyone in one of the strictest diets. It's uncommon to catch oneself on vegetables and fruits and think this is the way eating or drinking should be, it's merely if I'm ready to have a boss I'll let diets and things tell me how to live my life. I tried almost a month of these liquids and for now I don't believe in controlling powers. I'd rather adopt another diet which is bliss to me and I don't know how to eat right. On the other hand low fat high carb vegan is a possibility.

That sounds like slowly relating to pain differently. Not cure for cancer. Maybe I misunderstood and nobody claimed that definately being a thing. Other than that, I still disagree with your elitistic view on spirituality. That spirituality comes hierachically after life of survival has turned to life of luxury. If I had to guess you read somewhere about Maslows hierarchy of needs and took it on faith. First survival needs, then social, then x and then spirituality (which apparently just is me and my states of bliss and enlightenment. Others are just illusion? Not saying you think that but generally seems to be the view in this forum). There is no empiric studies made on maslows pyramid scheme tho. People with no security in life make art. People with no job or income help others. Peoole get married after quitting treatment for their incurable illness. These people actually reflect pinnacle of spirituality in my view way more than someone who thinks he is on top of the world because God hooked him up with life that is dope enought for him to finally have some time to try to solve the puzzle God made to hide himself.

" I went into a seemingly timeless cognitive delusion where I was the creator of everything that ever was, ever has been, and ever could be. I was, without a doubt, the all-powerful god and could cause life to exist with my imagination. After I imagined myself into existence multiple lives of eternal bliss, I got more adventurous. I imagined into existence more ridiculous scenarios of how far I could go from god. I gained an immense amount of satisfaction by tricking myself into believing that I was not god. I loved making myself worship myself, argue about myself, live for myself, and kill for myself. I did this repeatedly because the moment that I became god got so much funnier the deeper from god I went. I imagined billions of universes into existence and every single one of them was exactly how I wanted it to be—the perfect mixture of pain, pleasure, and humor. I made it all into a cosmic joke. As the creator of this cosmic joke, my jokes were both sadistic and masochistic in nature. I was responsible for billions of years of pain, horror, and destruction. I used them as plot devices for my jokes. These concepts had no emotional attachment at the time due to my strong feelings of duality. I tortured myself billions of times for the sake of a laugh. I wanted to experience all there was to experience—even pain. I created existences for myself in which I suffered from deliberating mental disorders and mental retardation. I knew that nothing could ultimately hurt me in the end. I had no choice but to use pain and pleasure equally. It was as if all of existence could be divided into two equal parts—the yin and the yang, the good and the evil, pain and pleasure, everything and nothing, life and death. I made all of my universes with this duality in mind. I warped the yin and yang into as many ways possible, but I made it satisfying and humorous too. I plotted my universes to the smallest detail on the cellular level. It was a cosmic game at best, but a game worth playing to the ends of infinity, no matter how terrible it appeared to get. I had designed it this way myself in advance and was not afraid to live all of its existence. I had made it absolutely perfect for myself." https://m.psychonautwiki.org/wiki/Experience:150mg_MDMA_%2B_20mg_2C-B_-_I_designed_it_this_way_myself

Thats the thing. Spirituality with any depth isnt just my little inner project. My insight, my state of consciousness. Why? All that shit is off the window, retreat after retreat and Trip after trip when im in contact with people close to me, family, friends etc. And when interacting with people in general. Thats where rubber hits the road indeed. And thats where shit gets complicated and not so simple and nice and blissfull. So maybe there is more to it than just trying to see it as illusion. Maybe it doesnt seem like that because it isnt. Maybe we shouldnt try to find some state of inner love where I can stay in this high bliss state and bring love and care to where its difficult. Between us.

@Adodd Spiritual bypassing tends to be linked to the concept of 'staying with what is'. In other words to sit with one's pain and not to sweep things under the rug. But sometimes this so called spiritual bypassing can actually be a good thing. One can get stuck in just sitting with one's pain. So taking the counterintuitive route, and simply imagining a new past where you were infinitely fulfilled, can work wonders. A healthy combination of shadow work and bliss work is key.

It stays intense as fuck but gets less scary and more manageable. Ive had about 15 or so changa trips. Similar to ayahuasca yes. Not the same though and not 5meo dmt at all. Changa is just smoked nn dmt and harmalas, ayahuasca is drinking nn dmt and harmalas. You can even experiment with drinking the maoi than smoking the dmt (or vice versa) instead of smoking both or drinking both. Changa is hardcore man. Start off small. I dont reccomend mixing psychedelics without doing a LOT of research and having a sitter the first few times because people react very differently to it but Changa on lsd is an unimaginable bliss for me.

Hi @Loving Radiance You really don't have a choice to create the illusion of separateness. If you're experiencing at all what I've been experiencing, concepts, labels, judgements, and separations have been loosing grip over you over time. In a few months from now, you'll be completely immersed in a deeper oneness than you thought possible. If you try to fight it and create the duality, you'll suffer. I understand the strangeness of the realization that "no one's there", but ask yourself, who is there to judge the strangeness of this situation as a bad thing? Nobody! I have an uncomfortable sensation when I "merge" with everything if the experience is only a visual or mental one. The more in touch you are with the senses of touch, smell, and sound, I think you'll find the experience more pleasant, at least i do. Also get in touch with beauty, gratitude, and bliss by learning to fill yourself with these emotions at will. Right now you're asking what you need to "do" to "manage" your awakening. Stop listening to those thoughts and enjoy the experience. "A bottomless pit is the safest place to fall into" - Sadhguru

Yes. Self inquiry got me there, along with some kundalini work. When I had a lot of thoughts and self doubt. There was a lot of ego to unravel. I had a moment at the end of it, after my self inquiry, meditation, detox etc where the ego was lost completely. I had a white light spiritual experience, which I cannot describe to you adequately. What we know as love here if you amplified that so it was everything, if you took a yoga bliss feeling and turned it up tenfold. Then had the cloud of that light linger for the next two days as you walked around. No drugs. Just routine over six months. Only etherium black and gold for dream recall until that stopped working. Then life hits you in the face. You get some pain and suffering. The ego comes back or reforms in its protective role. Slowly the world changes as time passes and the ego has to come back further.

1) How long are you into spiritual path? 7-8 years, but the path didn’t really start until the last ~2 — that’s an important distinction. In my estimation, once the path to truth-at-all-costs begins, it ain’t taking more than a few years at the most... ? it would be unbearable... unless detouring massively. Once the path starts, a hallmark I can illuminate is: embarrassment of your own naivety 3 days ago, on a constant running basis — it’s that swift — i.e. it ain’t taking 20 fucking years. 2) How many trips on psychedelics have you experienced? And what psychedelics? Hundreds. Lots of psychedelics (practically all of them aside from obscure research chems, though I’ve tried some of those too) and some dissociatives. Favorites include: LSD-25, 5-MeO-DMT, RS-ketamine, N,N-DMT. 3) How often do you meditate? Automatically (without any intention or effort) nearly all the time, but an occasional 10 minute sit every now and then. Used to sit up to 5 hours a day — Jhana access, witnessing, noting, etc. Learned primarily from Culadasa’s TMI, and also STF and TWIM and many others like Kenneth Folk and Daniel Ingram, Buddha/Sutras, etc. Ramana style inquiry; Witnessing; etc. Adyashanti... etc etc... 4) Has your life gotten better or worse? How? Literally a different order of being. Incomparable to what I was before. Nothing that makes sense on either side makes sense on (or relates to) the other. But before the path resolved so completely, I followed a book called Seeing That Frees by Rob Burbea as an adjunct to my meditation practice, and I would say I was about 10x happier than I was before getting skilled at meditation. I did a Metta practice during daily activities — this seemed to be associated with my relationships seeming to magically fall perfectly into place in easy flow. Highly recommend Metta, though I don’t really practice these days. Anything that uncovers the underlying natural flow of the dream-world-universe = good. Don’t underestimate how powerful meditation can be. If you are unaware that some of the states access-able in meditation are more intensely blissful than the cleanest drugs in existence, well now you know — believe it or not. There’s more to life than meditation, but having access to clean and as-overwhelming-as-you-want bliss at any given time? Or even some modicum of that? It can change you in a really nice way, and allows you to move onto other things. That had nothing to do with enlightenment, though at the time I was quite sure it did. Buddhist paths to enlightenment hardly make sense to me anymore... To wake up, you simply must want to wake up to truth at all costs, and that’s literally all there is to it! ? Keep on going until the end of knowledge and seeking is reached — nothing further to know, literally. And not even that, really. And it actually does not make sense — that may well be the strangest part about this. 5) What are your main insides, want advice could you give to others? This is the entire whole. Alone. Already. It’s funny how many times I heard that yet didn’t (couldn’t) even hear it. There is only God’s plan — play. Plan is rather misleading as it suggests time — there is only timeless infinite creation; play. If you’ll excuse the word God — it’s not important. Your whole problem as a seeker is that: You actually are not seeing what cannot be simpler! Right now... It’s like there’s the pretense of not getting a joke. You aren’t “the void and not the play.” You light up both and are everything but not anything in particular. There’s no fixed you witnessing what’s appearing. There’s just what appears, it’s everything, there’s no separate person, and what appears isn’t actually something that appears. There’s no it. If you think you’ve been seeking truth, and you think you’ve been doing it for more than 3 years, then your next step is to realize you’ve really been doing something other than seeking truth. The only truth is that there is truth — I am THAT I am. To want enlightenment is to misunderstand it. Any claim to knowledge is a confession of ignorance.

Okay, so kundalini energy is really nothing to mess around with. I had it explode about three years ago (long story). Fast forward three years and it's coming back. I can feel different chakras opening with energy. The most notable one has been the third eye. I feel pressure there daily, and also I've started noticing my crown and throat gaining energy. What's scary, is how powerful the root Chakra can get. This past Saturday it felt as though I was going to lose control of myself again, as it happened previously. I had a spontaneous awakening three years ago from practicing sex energy retention. What's been happening now is no matter what I do, if I release this energy or not (most times will happen in my sleep) I can feel kundalini getting stronger. I have been meditating for about 5 months and my body will do spontaneous movement where my head will swirl around and I will rock back and forth or side to side. I've been scrambling to try and figure out what I should do to prevent or prepare for something explosive again, because I'm experiencing the same sort of sensations and feelings as I did three years ago. There was a period of time where I got put on really strong anti psychotic medication, and I've been off them for around a year and a half. No one should have to live with those medications, as they make one a zombie and suicidal. I guess what I'm getting at is, do I try to work on the other Chakra centers? I've started guided meditations for each one. But for some reason I feel that they are opening up by themselves. Synchronicity has been ramping up as well, and from my experience, this means that something big is going to happen right around the corner. My biggest fear, is ultimately myself. Because kundalini is just you, realizing yourself. If I said I wasn't scared, I'd be lying. Literally no one I know other than myself has had such a scary, powerful awakening. Any advice or input would be great. Thanks. Edit: I will often get spontaneous arousal, and I've had moments of erotic bliss. From what I've read I have to hold the sexual energy in to allow kundalini to rise. But who knows? The internet is a double edged sword and the little information o find tends to be vague.

@BenG to add to what @Consilience said: here's a shocker, you know how people say it's about the journey not the destination? Well you're fucked because there is no destination ?. The journey is bliss. All the cells in your body working 24/7 to something greater, the mind dreaming of greater and greater things to accomplish. The seemingly inexhaustible "hunger" is not greed, it is the energy of existence itself. "MORE!" -Universe

December 18th 2021 LSD Trip 003 Beforehand I familiarized myself with several of Leo's teachings. Probably more than I name here: What is Consciousness? What is Actuality? What is Perception? What is Intelligence? What is Will? What Love? What is Death? Understanding Bias Guided exercise for realizing you are God? What is Fear? What is Reality? Integrating the lessons from building your existential vocabulary. Plus I have watched most of Leo's videos at least once. So I supposedly plugged around 75-80mcg And then supposedly took around 20mcg sublingually. (In total, only about 100mcg entered my body max.) So, if, theoretically, plugged doubles the dose, then I'm not at 75-100mcg But more like 150-200mcg >I totally forgot to set an classical focused intention. An intention such as: Contemplating what is consciousness. I just intuitively wanted to connect all my knowledge and go for ego death. I also wanted to see how far I could go into enlightenment work on just LSD, before pulling out the big guns of 5meo. In my mind, I figured that just a "simple ego death" was holding me back, and in theory that made sense, but what I am coming to learn is that the LEVEL of ego death required was more than just a simple fear wipe of questioning things like death. I really believe, there are different degrees of ego death. It's a spectrum. This also helps with understanding the idea of the degrees of awakening. Just what we call "ego death" or what we call "awakening" are just benchmarks into how deep your ego death/awakening is. >The intention I did have was a recipe for a rough trip, because in my mind I knew I was going to rub up against fear, so it was just a self fulfilling prophecy. >It came on so fast, so much faster than I was ready for. It freaked me out. Plus, I totally forgot what dose range I was in if plugging indeed doubled it. So I was thrown into a world of fear right away. It was super unepic. If I wasn't under the intention of consciousness work, then this hell I was about to enter would be demonized. But rather I later used my fear to understand what was going on as much as I could stomach. >At about 10 minutes in I already started to feel the effects kicking in. Visuals at 20 minutes Things are already moving at 24min All my plans are gone Like I forgot to set an intention. Growth happens a lot faster than you anticipate it. >The LSD came on so fast and so hard that it was mega anxiety inducing, like I felt I needed to explode! I NEEDED to die (ego death). That would be my only mercy. Which makes me ask exactly What an ego death is. Because I can cry and let go into the fear, and then the fear would be gone, but I know I could let go of my notion of physical perceived reality itself, and I would call that an even deeper ego death, a more true ego death I would say, where you actually let go of the notion that your body exists to begin with. >All the insights were interconnecting so much faster than I could stomach and handle. Like holy fuck this work is becoming REAL. >At one point while being super scared on the rough come-up, I think, for a brief moment, I became conscious of how I was imagining my skull. Later this fed deeper into my understanding in which how reality is held together with emotional glue. Your attachment is deeply intertwined with "physical" reality itself, which is WHY it's so goddamn terrifying to wipe away all these illusions and hallucinations that you as God has created for yourself. >A psychedelic, fundamentally, wipes away your imaginations holding reality together. Courage is walking while your feet are on fire. >When I wrote this I was mega scared, shit was fucked as fuck. I was walking into other rooms, changing my clothes, listening to different music, walking outside, walking inside, trying to change the environment, I was spiraling down more and more. I quickly learned that this was a loosing battle, and I had either the choice suffer, or go straight towards what I was fearing and kill my ego. My ONLY comfort was listening to Leo with his video: Guided Exercise for Realizing You are God. Trying desperately to ground myself by looking at my hand. Needless to say I may have taken too much. It was intense getting acclimatized to the new body load/higher vibration/whatever. LSD spirals you into the story you tell yourself. >Eventually I reached a point and I said, "I GIVE UP! I LET IT GO I LET IT GO, I LET IT GO! I LET IT ALL GO! >Then that eventually turned into crying and that was the BEST thing that happened on the trip. It felt AMAZING! Hooting and hollering, sitting on my kitchen floor. WAAAH! WAAAH! I wanted to cry louder but I was worried that the neighbours would hear and come and knock on my door. >My trip completely turned inside out from fear to bliss and calm. It was silent. I'm crying and crying I feels so good to cry At this point after the good cry, it was 2 hours and 30 minutes >I had my fear wiped away at this point. So it was easier to contemplate the tougher topics. I'm ready. What is death? I want to be able to look at my hand and then look at an object and not be able to tell the difference. >#Goals. Fear is the difference between what "should" be and what IS. Your stories, your attachments to what reality should be And what is. What is, is. I told a story to myself that the trip SHOULD come up X Fast, then it came faster, then I got scared. >The comeup was waaayyy too fast, super unexpected. Fear is feeling more of yourself. >You're just uncomfortable with feeling the parts of yourself that you fear. I was experiencing fear Then eventually I just let it all go because it drove me to tears, the pain. Then I was great. Then I'm coming down, and fear is setting in again. >I feel like I shed the fear that the ego created for me, and then the ego was clamping back down on me with more fear. The ego is encapsulated in a nest of fears to put it in a context. >Fears is what locks you into your paradigm. Death is the breaking apart of imagined boundaries. And there are emotions keeping them in place. Emotions are what reinforce the boundaries of reality. >I now see the role emotional mastery plays in awakening work. I need to read the book: Becoming Infinite. I'm thinking about how I need to shake loose the boundary between my emotions going in and out of death. In and out of the emotionally gated imagined boundaries. Like coming back down to earth so we speak, coming back down to earth is a process of fear. I think this is what can be described as the ego "clamping down" on you. That "clamping" mechanism is fears sneaking their way back into reality. And it's to FEEL deeply into the fear to get out of that clamping process. When talking about manifestation, manifesting a new reality, you must first lose your mind enough in order to consider the new possibility for a new reality to be created, then once that mind is open enough then you can actually make that the case. I'm starting to understand how rough it is to awaken. Consciousness work is some real manly shit. I would argue that it is more important to pay attention to the come up and the come down then the actual trip itself. Because it is in between you and the trip is where you want feel that very deeply to merge it with your actual reality. And in that merge is full of fear, is full of discomfort, is uncomfortable, makes you feel Fully Alive, makes you feel going insane, makes you scared, makes you psychotic. I understand why Leo says plugging is better with the slower come-up because you are able to understand what is happening to you. How to Merge with Enlightenment. Pay attention to that nothingness. Patiently keep yourself there as long as you can. Merge with it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am imagining a reality I have to figure out in order to manipulate. Like I am imagining the boundaries between me and greater knowledge. I'm imagining a "physical" world that I have to "do science" in. I understand the idea of a spiritual emergency. You need to take it to the end for that release. I understand how you can scare yourself off of psychedelics for awhile, when to deconstruct too much, too fast for you to handle. Too fast for you to accept and come to terms with. Learning to draw is LITERALLY learning how to create illusion. Selling something of "value" is LITERALLY selling an illusion. Simply because everything in reality is illusory! Psychedelics just shake boundaries loose, and creates new connections. What is an ego death? What is a "ego death"? What's the difference between letting go of the fear of death, and dying? What's the difference between letting go of the fear of death, and letting go of the idea that your body exists? "Ego death" appears to be a spectrum. Like there are many facets of reality that you can deconstruct that will also kill parts of your perceived self. I have created an understanding between Fear and Funny Fear is merging with an idea that you're close minded with. Merging your consciousness with a unpleasant idea. You cry when you merge with it. Funny its merging with an idea that you're open minded with. Merging your consciousness with a pleasant idea. You laugh when you merge with it. They're both just emotions to express the difference between merging with parts of yourself. >I'm starting to understand the possibility of being able to look at reality as imagination manifested as "matter". I had a serious curiosity to ask about death to the people around me, and I wanted to feel it deeply. And when I did, I cried and then felt love. I MERGED with it. 12 hours in, still tripping, still having visuals. >I think for me, LSD lasts at least 16+ hours, no matter the ROA. I am really understanding the value of curiosity in this work. If you're not willing to experience fear, you have no fucking chance of getting enlightened. Post Trip I woke up and I am stepping into a new sensitive energy body of myself. I feel like I've expanded a part of my consciousness into new areas that I was previously too scared to entertain. My mind is open enough to much more comfortably visualize the pain and suffering that goes around physical death or loss of self. Like, for example, I can more comfortably imagine my dog's jaw being ripped off, and explore the feeling of the pain of loss, investigate my attachment to my dogs being okay. Or imagining what it would mean if I lost my left leg. Investigating that idea and the feelings and attachments that come with it. I can imagine what it would feel like to live with loosing the fingers from my hand. I have a deeper understanding with the correlation with death and merging with infinite love. I learned if I am having a bad trip, I just need to lean into the fear and go for an ego death, then the fear gets wiped away. I'm learning that my notions of ego is much more deeply interwoven with "physical" reality than I previously understood. To Do Study books on 5MeO. Questions How do you define ego death? How do you define ego? Thanks for reading!

Discussed topics: Death, Paradox, Mind, Oneness, Lucid Dreams, Searching/Chasing, Seeker, Repetitive Questions, Existential Crisis, Stories, Survival, Identity, Neediness, Solipsism, Philosophy, Infinity, God, Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, Law of Attraction, Future, Fear, Heaven, Wordlessness, Life, Control, Doing, Neurosis, No-Self, Fun, Energy, Thoughts, Ideas, Freedom, Tranquillity, Absolute, Free Will, Doubt, Mystery, Yoga, Breathwork, Formlessness, Ignorance, Bliss, Perfection, Home

Let's not sugarcoat this by saying 'oh he willingly and gracefully left this plain of existence so he could experience eternal bliss'. No that's nonsense, he killed himself because he was in hell and saw no other way out. He was drowning in his own misery and thought psychedelics and non-duality was his way out. It wasn't. I feel bad for him, very bad. And he won't be the last. Because non-dual teachings are not geared toward leading a happy and fulfilling life. You aren't going to magically 'ascend', that's just ego illusion.

Dam RIP. I wonder is this an attempt to bypass the suffering of being a human and going straight to the truth? During suicidal times of my life I wondered why shouldn't I just commit suicide and go straight to the truth and then simply restart the game and bypass this unnecessary suffering and torment. This reminds of @SoonHei. On the surface he seemed to be a happy and integrated guy, but I wonder why both of them felt the desire/need to commit suicide. Maybe this is mahasamadhi, a conscious choice to leave the body? One thing I can say from experience is the desire to help other people and share spiritual insights etc may be rooted in a desire to transcend one's own suffering. So they try their best to help others with the hope that they may in turn help themselves. I think he thought death was the path to bliss. It's tough because I also believe this, but I know you can experience divine bliss and peace without death so I don't feel an argue to off myself, but maybe if you haven't experienced that you would see that as a viable option?

Hinduism takes a gradual path. that's why IMHO Hinduism has this stance to enjoy life . whereas in Buddhism, Buddha is radically direct in this work . even denies most of social structures of the time .like the caste system in Hinduism still prevalent to this day. gives up traditional hocus pocus though most of modern Buddhists are engaged in equal BS that Buddha rejected as useless. Buddhism has been made a religion to serve the ego after all still, I am having doubts whether we can really awaken once and for all. True, enlightenment is possibly the highest achievement (the supreme bliss) I mean,mannn i see the suffering we are caught up in yet, if this is an eternal dance, won't we be going full circle to duality? if reality is in endless wheel, merging(enlightenment) and division is also a part of god's play of love right? I find this as a sticking point in this work personally. why not enjoy, celebrate and cherish life then? would love to know ur as well as others' opinions about this...

INTRO Hey everyone. This is a trip report of my first mushroom trip and my first time writing a trip report and it's my first time posting on Actualized's forum. My only experience with psychedelics apart from this was half a tab of LSD. I took 1g of Liberty Caps. I took them alone, in my room. I chewed them well before ingesting. As some close people recommended me, I prepared a nice atmosphere in the room beforehand, some Christmas Lo-Fi music, a plate a sliced fruits like banana and an orange and a pitcher of water to stay hydrated. I also prepared a small table in front of the couch and put my journal there in case I want to write something down. My face started to feel a bit sore in around 20 minutes and I understood that it starting to take effect. I felt like changing the music to something more "natural" and I put some Folktronica music that I like and a specific album called "Tranquilllitas". I listened for it like 5 minutes and then I got the thought that I have to meditate and stop the music and other external stimuli. So I stopped the music, I sat on my couch, closed my eyes and relaxed. I started panting a bit and got a bit feverish. DISCLAIMER! This is where it got really trippy. It's very hard to describe it with language and even so it doesn't describe the fullness of the experience. I'm doing my best to present the experience in written English even though it wouldn't represent even 5% of the whole experience. I suggest to approach what I'm writing further with plenty of open-mindedness, imagination and a grain of salt. You have been warned. MAIN All of a sudden, I felt like I am my energy, my soul, my essence, not in my body anymore - and I was in the presence of a great entity. It had no specific form, even though it had some sort of visible shape. In a very simplistic, labelling and limited way, it looked like some Lovecraftian god/Biblically accurate angel/non-Euclidean kind of thing. It was also in continuous shapeshifting, never static. I understood/was communicated that IT is a benevolent Entity and it was exuding calmness, peacefulness. The sensations were as all the senses were mixed together and formed something superior, some sort of sense that includes all the senses but lets them communicate among them. So this way it seemed as I was seeing sounds and touching colours. The most simplest explanation would be that I felt in a space of non-physicality, where the usual rules of reality, physics and so on - don’t apply. It felt like the entity in front of me was at the same time the space I was in, as a gigantic soul. It seemed as the reality of this Entity and the Entity itself was one and the same. I didn't understood if it was a single entity that I was in the presence of or if there were more entities. I was communicated, or I understood, that this either doesn't matter or that there's no difference - for the Entity, both of these meant the same thing. I was communicated that a lot of things are actually the same thing - it's only that I/we don't see it. The Entity seemed to address me as neither in singular nor plural, as if IT didn't perceive if I was also only one entity or more - again, it rather seemed as for the Entity this didn't matter or that it was the same thing . It also seemed as if it perceived not only me, as a single soul, but the whole of humanity, or rather the whole "life" from the "physical reality" - but not sure. I was continuously interacting with/was interacted with what appeared to be appendages of the same entity or different entities (from here on called the ENTITY). The Entity was continuously communicating to me and/or making me understand different things. It also told me that IT communicating to me and me understanding something from IT - it's the same thing. At that moment my physical body started laughing because I understood that I couldn't use language to communicate with this Entity or properly understand it, and that the way I was trying to do it was very limited. I understood that language is a medium through which meaning and understanding is transmitted - but the way the Entity was communicating was just sharing the meaning and understanding with me directly, without any medium. It made me understood that a medium can help but it can also prevent, and even distort. The communication with the Entity felt like pure unhinged, unblocked communication. I experienced very so-called bizarre, grotesque and beautiful mix of…experience. It wasn't just visual or sound. I was seeing how, supposedly, the body of this Entity was passing by through me, ripping me apart, making eyes sprout from nothing, rainbows coming from eyes that form a plant that kisses a star - and that is only for like 2 seconds - it continued for around 2 hours. Never during these experiences did I feel fear, panic, or any so called "negative" emotions. I continuously felt bliss, joy and happiness throughout interacting with the Entity. I was communicated/made understood that killing, having sex, eating - these are limited survival processes of "our reality/physical reality", that those concepts are too simplistic to explain what I experienced with the Entity. IT told me that the so called "mushrooms" are a medium/portal/middleperson to THIS reality/plain/world, but it’s an inefficient/impermanent/temporary one. IT communicated the desire for "Its reality" and the "physical reality" to become connected/become one/ be merged/be undivided - this seemed of importance for the Entity (not sure). Before the trip, I prepared some questions that I wanted to get answer for, regarding my relationships from the physical world, my evolution there and so on. The Entity communicated that those things don’t matter and that there more important things to do. At some point, during an ecstatic, multisensory experience, covered in waves of energy/light/bliss, a face appeared. I'm not sure if it was the face of the Entity, neither that it even knew what face is. I can't explain the process but it seemed that it gave me something/I received something. It told me that I was "fecundated" or something like that. Though, I'm not sure if IT gave me something right then or before - the tense wasn't precise and I'm not sure if IT meant "fecundated" like a verb or an adjective (it might have made only a statement.) The Entity told me that it likes me and that it's a pity that I can't stay there for longer. It communicated that it would like for "us in the material world" to be able to join their world/plain freely and stay there, or for the Entity to be able to freely be with us, "in the physical world". For the Entity, It seemed like there wasn't real difference between the two options. IT knew that I would like to communicate/share the experiences in the physical world and the Entity seemed to be indifferent if I communicate about IT and my experiences or not - IT did make me understand that it will be difficult to communicate these experiences through language - of which I'm becoming more aware as I write this. It seems that our "physical reality" was like an experiment, and attempt into something new, but it created limits, duality and labels and that IT wants our realities to become one again. It communicated that even though our realities seem to be separated and that it's sad that we're separated from the Entity - it makes it so much sweeter when we reconnect with IT. It communicated that since our separation, "the physical world" was meant to continuously evolve/change until one day it will be able to merge/connect with the "world of the Entity". The "physical world" is of "receiving energy" and the Entity "fecundates" it through "souls" from the "physical world" that are of strong "receiving energy" and are able to make connection with the Entity (in my interpretation, it's the artists and pretty much everyone in history who had a strong "muse/inspiration/realisation/revelation/etc".) The Entity made me understand that it can observe/perceive "the physical world", but it cannot directly interact with in - which is why IT can do it through mediums (like mushrooms and "strong receiving people"/gifted people). To the best of my understanding, for the Entity, the "physical world" is like an aquarium, with us, living beings, stuck in it, like fish - and the Entity as the people who interact with the aquarium but are separated by the "barrier" of the "aquarium", with the "fish" unable to fully comprehend/perceive what's outside the "aquarium". For us, people - "the fish", understanding the Entity and its world is similar to the fish in the aquarium to understand the human world - close to impossible, while for the Entity our "physical world"(the aquarium) seems trivial. (In my post-trip understanding, it seems that if the "physical" and the "Entity's world" are to merge/connect, the result will be The Revelation of the Entity's world/The Entity. For us, this would mean the Collapse of Reality and Duality, of which the older religions talked in some way (like Ragnarok in Norse mythology and Apocalypse in biblical mythology). It seemed as the Entity was made of pure Love/Bliss/Pleasure (the same thing according to the Entity), and every of its activities was loving - it was a mix of destroying, having sex, communicating, being consumed, consuming and many more - the differences between these actions is arbitrary and just a label, as I understood/was communicated. It didn't have a gender or it had all the genders - again, for the Entity it seemed to be the same thing. I was communicated that there is energy, and that because I was of "receiving energy" I became "fecundated" (or rather my "soul") - again, not sure of IT did it to me then or if IT stated an adjective or a fact that happened before. IT communicated that I will grow the seed and become of "giving energy" - that's when I'll bear fruit and could feed and "fecundate" others with my fruit and seed further - and the cycle continues. These and many more things seemed clear , but I was communicated that most of these things will become unclear for me or I'll forget them once my soul leaves the Entity's world, as there's no equivalent of that knowledge in the physical world, it cannot be explained or understood through language and that the brain with which I'll try to analyse and conceptualise this knowledge it's too limited to make that knowledge explainable in the "physical world", being otherwise clear and meaningful in the Entity's world. After that, the trip started to wind down and I felt how the Entity is leaving and I'm starting to feel my physical body more and more. I had some crazy laughs for like 20 minutes and after the trip pretty much ended. EPILOGUE Overall, in a nutshell, it felt like I had a trip to the spiritual/astral/energetic plain, was met by the/an Entity, had a great time, feeling otherworldly pleasure and overall experiences, talked in between about how the physical reality is limited, dual, how it would be great for all of us to come together and have a collapse of realities, communicated some unspeakable knowledge and then IT let me be and come back to my physical body. VERY in-a-nutshell. The trip was around 5h long. Close to the end of the trip, I had a bit of diarrhea, no pain or stomach ache - just liquid poop.

boredom is i need entertainment 24x7 and why am i not getting it ... boredom is the gateway to spiritual bliss but mind will block it

5-MEO DMT Trip Report First Time —> Nirvana Puking on Itself Dosage: ~20mg Bufo Admin: Smoke Hey guys, this is my first post on actualized and I just wanted to share my recent 5-MEO trip on Bufo. Warning: my language may be a bit abstract ;-) Pre-life Preoccupied with routine, taking care of endless tasks, perfectionism, feeling heavy laden. All I know is material. Maybe there is something more, maybe not. I don’t know, how can I know I have never experienced it. I listen to teachers, read words from wise beings. I intellectually get what they are saying but it might as well be meaningless. There is no resonation only a sense of “that sounds good.” Recently I became fixated on finding my Life Purpose. Choosing the one thing. Committing. In order to have some benevolent impact on the world. Because, that is what I was told. There was no real feeling of connection to this idea of purpose. Sure, there are things I like and would be good at but I was detached. Living life only on the surface. Give me a coffee, some good porn, sex, a friendly chat, a comedy, now there’s a little joy to get by. Preparation Let me read all the information I can get on the 5-MEO experience. I’ll read all the trip reports and watch Leo’s videos again. That will prepare me. And yes, I will create a preparation journal where I will list out all the possible things that could happen or sub conscious shadows that could arise so I will know how to deal with them. I will keep my thoughts pure, I will stop doing “bad” things to avoid having a bad trip. I will have long discourses with myself reviewing the pros and cons of the trip. What if I physically die? What if I’m attacked by demons? What if I end up loosing my mind? What if I’ll feel more loving afterward? ...Nonsense. Setting I decided to partake in a private traditional Bufo ceremony. It was with an energy worker/shamanic trained healer who I have been seeing for about 8 months. She felt this experience would help me to release trauma. For the entire week leading up to the ceremony I was waking up with intense anxiety and fear. Other than times when I was to go speak in front of others, this was some of the most intense fear I ever felt. I literally felt like as she was preparing the medicine that I was going to die. I felt sad. I felt dead. I felt FUCK IT. Trip She lit and held the pipe for me. Instructing me to breathe in slowly and steadily for as long as I could and then hold the smoke in. I breathed in for around 10 seconds and held for around 5-8 seconds. When I exhaled, a magnificent cloud of smoke filled what looked to be the entirety of the room. And then it began… Before my consciousness could have time to grasp the size of the cloud of smoke I just blew out, I found myself saying WOOOOOOAAAAAHHHHH while being gently rested back my guide. The WOOOOOOAAAAAHHHHH turned into what appeared to be a high pitched squeal and before I knew it I was tumbling down through an infinite kaleidoscope of regurgitating cluster fucks. It was as though I had been catipulted in the engine of the universe. Winding up and releasing to a cosmic vibration that resonated as a YA YA YAAAA YA YA, pulsating with GIBBERISH. This pulsation of gibberish shaking every fucking molecule of whatever it is that I was. It was just like some kind raw primordial energy of releasing gushers of infinite emotion all imploding and exploding simultaneously. Into Nirvana This kaleidoscope engine of regurgitating cluster fucks seemed to be gaining in power and speed. And it was as though IT was laughing at me as I was laughing IT.(I got a big smile on my face just now recalling). It was like I knew that IT knew that I knew that I was IT. In an instant moment of eternity, I sensed? (probably no word to describe this feeling) that every cell and molecule of my being was imploding on itself in a state of infinite cosmic flabbergastation. I was being maniacally ravished by the infinity of the universe as the sound of the cosmic symphony hyper blasted me to NOWHERE. Eternally EXHAUSTED, PUMMELED, DESTROYED. Nothing more to give. Nothing more to release. Nothing to hold onto, nothing to feel, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING. I/IT then merged into a singularity which could only be described as Nirvana (although this label seems infinitely incapable of describing the experience). The ravishing stopped in a moment of eternity, and the I/IT energy expanded into the entirety of the universe. Infinite GLORY. Infinite POWER. Roaring out like an eternal primordial maniac of Pure LOVE and LIGHT filling out into the very fabric of space. I AM FUCKING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! whilst sensing the universe telling me this is what you have been wanting to know yes...? And then TAAAA DAAAAAA… Puke. Cut to opening scene. Rebirth A barf and a laugh. Face planted on the floor. What a great way to start the day. My guide was kindly placing paper towels by face and cleaning up my mess. How kind. Was I in one of those YouTube Videos where they put the camera on the ground and put speed on 2x. Like they are showing how to the clean floor or preparing a morning time breakfast. With light downtempo piano stock music playing in the background. Rays of sunshine shinning so charmingly on the hard wood floors. What a fucking joke! Every time a spit this beautiful lady (my guide) would come toward me on 2x speed to clean up my mess. I couldn’t get over the absurdity. I then felt, why not do it again!! Let me put all the blankets and pillows back in place, and press rewind. What madness! I then scratched that idea as my guide was shuffling around frantically trying to get me to lie down. Is it over? Who cares. How do I look? Like shit. Great. Pillow feels nice, let me put it on my face. Am I tired of the pillow on face. No, I like it. Ok, fuck this pillow. What the fuck!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *&^*&^^&RYGFGFUR&^RUFIUFV Mystical After rolling around in a pile of dumbfounded shinnanagations, I looked over at my guide. I noticed instantly the look on her face. The pain, the suffering, the sadness. There was this kind of dark mystical smoke around her. With every breath it was as though she was transmuting and releasing all the pent up negative emotional energy that I just expelled. Her face mutating from glorious to an old disheveled hag. Struck in awe, and gratitude for her being, I felt…BARF. Afterward “Well that was fun” were the first words spoken when I returned. I carefully strung them together before I actually said them. Seemed like a charming thing to say…The look on my guides face was one of concern for me and also for her home. Like you almost destroyed everything. O shit? Really. My bad. What happened? LMAO. It turns out, I actually was walking around violently and shouting loudly. I had no recollection… On the drive back home, I felt hungry. I could really go for something tasty I thought. I drove by In and Out burger. O, that sounds nice! But I’m a vegetarian and eat healthy. Maybe I’ll get their bread, lettuce, and tomato burger. I laughed. Isn’t that cute, I’m a vegetarian. Yes you are, your a good little vegetarian. Fuck you, I’ll have a cheese burger, fries, and coke. YUM YUM YUM YUMMMMMMM :-D Day After It is the day after as I write this post. I wasn’t able to sleep. I feel electrified..There is no fear. There are no limitations. I can visualize with pristine clarity. Infinite creativity. Any thought I have I can turn to a thing. No desire to journal, to meditate, to read, to do anything but just be. To pet and lie with my cats, to watch 4K nature programs, listen to beautiful music… THIS is bliss. And THIS is who I AM. %-D =) =/ =( => =< =-? Insights Like water colors on a canvas, just rinse, and paint something else Like an etch-a-sketch, just shake a start over Like a seemingly broken record, called life You think you get it, and then IT spits you out only to gobble you (IT) back up again A panting primordial beast exploding in a cosmic sea of infinite nothingness Every cell and molecule of being ejaculating on itself Tumbling through an infinite sea of cluster fucking kaleidoscopes regurgitating on themselves **Word of Caution** As Leo mentions, this substance has the potential to radically NUKE your entire life as you know it. If there is any preparation you could have in place it would be to possibly have some safety net of cash. Just in case you don’t want to go back to a job you’re not happy with. Be prepared to loose everything as you know it. Relationships, routines, wants/desires, EVERYTHING.

Hello everyone! Just like many of you guys, I used to struggle with a lot of emotional baggage. I mediate every day since 2017, plus I had quite some mushroom trips. And I still felt miserable, I could not integrate my insights. At the beginning of 2021 I discovered MDMA and I'd like to document my results after about eight trips in the course of this year. My Situation in January, 2021: I lived with my parents, lots of conflicts with them. I considered myself a highly sensitive person, constantly feeling overwhelmed by basically everything. I had a crippling fear of other people. I could not set boundaries: I would work too much, eat too much,... I could not focus on one thing at a time. Working would trigger fear of death. I could only work for 2 to 3 hours per day and would feel totally miserable while working. I had an underpaying job as a language teacher, could not support myself. I was well-educated, but had no idea what to do with my life. The Healing Process with MDMA I weigh about 65 mg of MDMA plus a microdose of magic mushrooms (about 0.16 gr). This is an ideal combination for me, I get more creative with the mushrooms. I am sensitive to these substances, so I don't need much. Regarding MDMA it's especially important not to take too much and not to trip too often. Nowadays I trip about every six weeks, the periods of abstinence have become longer. I meditate in the living room with my two roommates (one of them is my brother). Then I take the substances, set an intention, and continue to mediate. As soon as the MDMA kicks in, I'll lay down in my bed. I talk about stuff which moves me, and my roomies are my "therapists". It works like in this manual by MAPS: https://maps.org/research-archive/mdma/MDMA-Assisted-Psychotherapy-Treatment-Manual-Version7-19Aug15-FINAL.pdf After about 2 hours, as soon as the effects start to fade away, I take the second dose of MDMA, about 30 mg. The experience is just incredibly nice. I never felt fear in the process, MDMA is far from being as scary as other psychedelics. It's like psychotherapy on steroids: You talk about stuff that bothers you, deep-seated trauma. In my case it was mainly my birth. It was tough and confusing to have a near-death experience back then, already feeling you're back with the Absolute and then abruptly being born in a Cesarean; I was born after only seven months in my mom's womb and with only a third of the weight babies usually have when they are born. One of my core beliefs was that I did not deserve to live. In the MDMA sessions I could access the trauma easily and feel more and more love for all my past suffering. I could see the intelligence behind it. I could accept it. In the weeks after the sessions I integrated the insights. My Situation in December, 2021: I live with two roommates in a great apartment. We love self actualization and support each other on our paths. Good relationship with my parents. I wouldn't consider myself highly sensitive anymore. This was just a label, an identity which has been perpetuating itself. I still feel intense emotions but I guess that's totally normal and I can deal with them. I feel a much broader spectrum of emotions. I finally begin to understand what joy and bliss are. Minor fear of other people. I can set boundaries automatically in most cases. If my boundaries are crossed, I'll notice it relatively quickly. I can focus on things and get them done. I love working. I can work long hours, 8 to 10 hours per day if necessary. Relatively well-paid job in teaching, I can support myself and afford some little luxuries. I'm on track with my career in journalism. I already write about one to two articles per week for the local newspaper, and started networking within the organisation and with local politicians and activists. I'll be working full-time for the paper from April onwards. So here you go, these are my results. For those of you doubting if personal development works: It does definitely work, you just need to find the right method. As for emotional healing, I prefer MDMA over all other psychedelics, because you can go very deep and integrate your learnings relatively easily. And yet it's not scary. You don't drift off into madness. You simply talk about everything that's important to you, and it feels like you got God's support in the process. Much love <3

I@Breakingthewall i've been taking medications for a while now and I think I made progress on my anxiety. I specifically experience unconditional joy and bliss especially these days. I made some Improvements. But thanks for the advice