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I'm in my early 20's, and for the entirety of my life (despite the past two years), I have been overtly empathetic. This has caused me to struggle in social situations and being overly sensitive due to the varying emotions I can feel in situations. For two years, however, I was in a relationship with a narcissist that would be emotionally abusive - and would often threaten suicide. This caused me strife with my education, and seriously strained my relationship with my family. Quickly after my relationship ended two years ago, I attached to a new friend (who is very objective and rational). This did not appeal to my current emotional state and neediness for his validation (especially after getting out of my abusive relationship), and caused me to emotional spiral which has been going on two years now. This altered my entire perception of myself, due to my external validation needs, which I am trying to learn how to get rid of. I have found myself incredibly numb, especially within my emotional state and how I feel towards others. I find myself not caring when I hurt someone's feelings, which causes extreme strife in my relationships. I can recognize when someone can feel pain towards my actions, however, I am so internally occupied with my own frustrations and feeling miserable, that I don't feel any emotions towards those I care about. This is upsetting for me, and makes me feel foreign within my own skin - as I used to care immensely for everyone and everything (a skill I would love to regain, without the attachment/neediness for validation). I believe part of this is also due to the fogginess I feel in my brain - I cannot consciously think through many things. Something that is also incredibly foreign to me, as I've been pursuing consciousness work since my early childhood. I am worried that I never truly cared, I only cared so much to gain other's validation. I worry I was only so nice and giving because I felt I had nothing else to offer. Then I wonder if this is true, then I need to learn how to build genuine empathy. Whatever the reason, I would love anyone's input on how to regain my empathy, or any thoughts on my situation. Thank you so much, I appreciate it.

It is NOT. You see yourself on the brink of suicide right now, and you can turn that in your advantage actually. Eckhart Tolle said in his book that he was in a quite similar situation at one point of his life, casually contemplating suicide at 29, constantly filled with self-hatred. It's said that one night it was so unbearable, he basically awoke. I'm not saying that's what will happen to you, but that your pain can actually be a great catalyser. Sometimes, doing effective spiritual work is actually harder when life is too comfortable. Also, you can begin by stop identifying as an incel, or a loser. You're so much more than that, you wouldn't even believe. Baby steps man. It's about regaining sovereignty over your own life, first and foremost. Don't underestimate how much progress you can do in a single year if you start now. And you would only be 39. Let alone a project on 5-10 years. And you would still be young.

No way, I think I'd contemplate killing myself, too, if I'm a virgin by your age (personally, I'd feel just the same myself), I'm a 25 year old virgin and so far I've experienced Hell and almost daily misery, I now live on Mum's sofa, I laugh at my predicament (typically laugh cry daily for the past year and a half or more), and to believe things will get better isn't living in the present moment - Life is a giant mind fuck from what I can gather, sure, at this moment you may feel miserable, and then tomorrow everything may make sense and you'll feel great, perhaps after a meal, or finding out there's a new Spiderman film trailer, or the release of a favourite video game remastered ... but deep down there's a sensation as if everything is wrong, as if everything is pure chaos and there's no amending it and the only possible answer is to die - and now you realize that to finally die you must wait, slowly, gradually, and until then you will resist, and you will go into death with a build up of depression, regrets and continually questioning suicide, Sorry, I'm 100% a nihilist at this point, and I'm a 25 year old virgin, I've lost heaps, gone through betrayal, and now I'm a fish caught between two rocks flapping away ready to kill myself - I mean why pretend to go on if you're eager to die, because I'll mess up the whole social game, EDIT - Ignore my nihilist advice, Leo makes more support than myself, and some other replies ... But could you respond to myself if you're still alive as to why you're a virgin from your point of view? Maybe I'll relate, thanks - And be completely honest with me why you think you are a virgin, thanks

@Leo Gura but leo everything taken to extreme is dangerous.the forum member who did suicide really thought none of this real and he took it to the extreme.extreme is always dangerous .why wont we all occupy the middle spot ie the sweet spot ie half way between everything is material and everything is an illusion.i think that would be the healthiest world.view

This story I found in the book "Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously" by OSHO. Enjoy! The story is that one man became a chakravartin — and it happens only once in thousands of years that a man becomes a chakravartin. Even Alexander the Great was not a world conqueror; there was yet much left unconquered. And he died very young, he was only thirty-three: there was not even time enough to conquer the world. What to say of conquering, the whole world was not even known. Half of the world was unknown, and the half that was known, even that was not conquered. This man, of whom I am going to tell you the story, became the chakravartin. It is said that when a chakravartin dies — because a chakravartin happens only in thousands of years, he is a rare being — when he dies he is received in heaven with great rejoicings and he is taken to a special place. In Jaina mythology, in heaven there is a parallel mountain to the Himalayas. The Himalayas are just made of rocks and earth and ice. The parallel Himalayas in heaven is called Sumeru. Sumeru means the ultimate mountain: nothing can be higher than that, nothing can be better than that. It is solid gold; instead of rocks there are diamonds and rubies and emeralds. When a chakravartin dies he is led to Sumeru mountain to engrave his name on it. That is a rare opportunity; that happens only once in thousands of years. Of course this man was immensely excited that he was going to write his name on Sumeru. That is the ultimate catalogue of all the great ones that have been, and will also be the catalogue of all the great ones who are going to be. This emperor was becoming party to a lineage of supermen. The gatekeeper gave him the instruments to engrave his name. He wanted a few of his men who had committed suicide just because their emperor was dying — they could not think of living without him. His wife, his prime minister, his commander-in-chief — all the great people who were around him, they all had committed suicide, so they had come with him. The emperor wanted the gatekeeper to let them all come to see him engrave his name, because what is the joy if you go alone and engrave your name and nobody is there even to see? — because the real joy is that the whole world should see. The gatekeeper said, “You listen to my advice, because this is my inherited profession. My father was a gatekeeper, his father was a gatekeeper; for centuries we have been gatekeepers to Sumeru mountain. Listen to my advice: Don’t take them with you; otherwise you will repent.” The emperor could not understand, but he could not even go against his advice — because what interest could that man have in preventing him? The gatekeeper said, “If you still want them to see, first go engrave your name; then come back and take them with you if you want. I have no objection even now if you want to take them, but just in case you decide not to, then there will be no place, no chance … they will be with you. You go alone.” This was perfectly sane advice. The emperor said, “That’s good. I will go alone, engrave my name, come back, and call you all.” The gatekeeper said, “I am perfectly agreeable to that.” The emperor went and he saw the Sumeru shining under thousands of suns — because in heaven you cannot be so poor as to have just one sun — thousands of suns, and a golden mountain far bigger than the Himalayas — and the Himalayas are almost two thousands miles long! He could not open his eyes for a moment, it was so glaring there. And then he started looking for a space, the right space, but he was very much puzzled: there was no space; the whole mountain was engraved with names. He could not believe his eyes. For the first time he became aware what he was. Up to now he was thinking he was a superman who happens once in thousands of years. But time has been from eternity; even thousands of years didn’t make any difference, so many chakravartins had happened already. There was no space on that biggest mountain in the whole universe where he could write his small name. He came back, and now he understood that the gatekeeper was right not to take his wife and his commander-in-chief and his prime minister and other intimate friends. It was good that they had not seen the situation. They would still believe that their emperor was a rare being. He took the gatekeeper inside and he said, “But there is no space!” The gatekeeper said, “That’s what I was telling you. What you have to do is to erase a few names and write down your name. That’s what has been done; my whole life I have been seeing this done, my father used to say this has been done. My father’s father — none of my family have seen Sumeru empty, or any space ever. “Whenever a chakravartin has come he had to erase a few names and write his own name. So this is not the whole history of the chakravartins. Many times it has been erased, many times it has been engraved. You just do your work, and then if you want to show your friends you can bring them in.” The emperor said, “No, I don’t want to show them and I don’t want to even write my name. What is the point? — someday somebody will come and erase it. “My whole life has become utterly meaningless. This was my only hope, that Sumeru, the golden mountain in heaven was going to have my name. For this I have lived, for this I have staked my life; for this I was ready to kill the whole world. And anybody else can erase my name and write his. What is the point of writing it? I will not write it.” The gatekeeper laughed. The emperor said, “Why are you laughing?” The gatekeeper said, “This is strange, because this too I have been hearing from my grandfathers — that chakravartins come, and seeing the whole story, just turn back; they don’t write their names. You are not new: anybody having a little intelligence would do the same.” In this whole world what can you gain? What can you take away with you? Your name, your prestige, your respectability? Your money, your power — what? Your scholarship? You cannot take anything. Everything will have to be dropped here.

I have provided links to articles to better help my story's validity. Please don't do what I do in the story and smoke an excessive amount of weed unless you're already spiritually open minded. I was not ready for what was to come. It took me a year to get back to some normality again. Weed is the reason I have been enlightened. Weed is the reason I started questioning my reality. Weed is the reason I'm a better person. Weed unlocked my schizophrenia. https://www.cnn.com/2021/07/22/health/marijuana-schizophrenia-study-wellness/index.html I'm not saying weed was the sole reason I got schizophrenia. I was already seeing things out of the corner of my eye before this. I was seeing things out of the corner of my eye all the time but I never thought anything of it. One time, before I even knew what weed was, I was trying to sleep and suddenly I saw a silhouette of a boy from the corner of my eye right next to my bed. Needless to say, I couldn't sleep that night. Weed more or less caused schizophrenia to be more active but it did not create it. After smoking as much weed as I possibly could (me and my friends shared 8 grams), I thought I was having a heart attack and I passed out. I felt a swirling in my head and then had a dream that I was convinced was reality. During this dream, I asked one of my friends if I should worry about what just happened but my friend waved his hand to signal that it was fine. However, I ended up seeing something small that encompassed me and I started seeing visions of my "repressed memories." After this dream happened, I woke up and continued hanging out with my friends as if nothing happened. my schizophrenia was unlocked however and the next day I started having delusions. I thought my friends put a bug in my ear and I actually heard a bug die inside of my right ear. Getting checked by the doctor showed me that there was no bug in my ear. Despite this, I continued to believe these delusions. Looking back at it now, I'm glad this happened. My delusions helped me see reality for what it truly is. My delusions were so real to me that I was completely left in an entirely different realm of reality. It showed me how easy it is to forget where you are and how easy it could've been for me to commit suicide and die. I could've lost my life. Hell, a part of me believes I did die. I took almost an entire bottle of ibuprofen during my psychosis. Once the pills started effecting me, I thought I was definitely going to die. I thought that I was going to come back to the year 2020 starting all over again and I believed everyone was going to know about my death and hate me for hurting my family and friends. Instead, I had vivid dreams. I had a dream that I stared at my window and suddenly the light shining through got brighter and brighter. It encompassed me and made a very loud noise that I cannot possibly describe. The reason I'm saying this is a dream is because the pills started effecting me at night, there should be no reason light would be shining through my window. Whether or not I actually died that day, I cannot possibly tell you. Now, back to the weed. I continued smoking it even though it caused my delusions to get worse. I had no idea these were delusions however, so you can see how dangerous this could be. https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/marijuana/there-link-between-marijuana-use-psychiatric-disorders#:~:text=Marijuana use has also been,as the drug wears off. I had all these irrational fears about being sent to infinity and being trapped behind the eyes of an infinite amount of beings. Eventually, I smoked so much that my existentialism started crashing down like a house of cards. I got so high, I decided not to care about my inevitable doom. All the things I tried doing to stop this doom, like scraping earwax out of my ear or holding my breath, I have failed in accomplishing. I realized that I have to wait. I'm too focused on it. All I'm doing is stressing out about it. I'm not actually accomplishing my goals. I'm not in any danger right now so I will wait until I believe the time is right. Funny how weed magically made me change my trajectory from going down to going up. Of course, the story ends in victory as I realize all of it was just in my head. Benefits? These things I believe are real are only real because I made them real. I can make them real just as easily as I can make them disappear. Reality itself is a dream so there's no point in adding extra stressors to this mysterious complexity that I see before me. I may have opened a can of worms and started eating it but there's no point in opening more cans and eating more. Are the things in my imagination real? Maybe, but I don't think it matters right now. I am here and I am now. My consciousness is my reality. What I see in front of me contradicts what was being told to me in my head. There's no point in worrying about things anyways. The universe is essentially water and it will flow where it will flow. I can help guide my flow into the unknown without getting attached to stories in my head. It's ok not to know, I will know later when I'm ready to explore consciousness a bit further. Plus, reality is fallible. It could all be real, just as real as I made it to be. It could also be fake, as fake as reality itself is. I can choose what to believe. So fuck believing in a Hell that is impossibly worse than any Hell I can imagine. I don't really care about it right now because I'm not there. The only here is now anyways. This is the present moment and this is what I believe in. This is God, I am God, and this is God's presence. I don't need anything else but God.

Wicked Problems the world is facing and/or still havent solved. Wicked problems are •Complex •Full of unforeseen outcomes •Paradigmatic •Multi-faceted •Lacking a clear solution Terrorism Climate Change Homelessness Poverty Mass Incarceration (US) Organized Crime Human Trafficking Mass Shootings Income Inequality Cancer AIDS Pandemics Depression/Suicide Conspiracy Theories/Fake News Democratic Recession (The Rise Of Authoritarianism) Overpopulation ...and more

@Leo GuraThanks so much Leo and @Seed I am grateful. I don’t believe I will make it that far and reach 60. I think I will commit suicide much earlier because of the pain. The spirituality is probably too advanced for me when I can’t get the basics right

@flowboy thanks for the video. I am watching it now. It’s not fair. I did try @Barbara it pains me to get to this point and to have to call a suicide hotline. I don’t believe I matter because someone would love me if I did. The pain is so bad. I hate myself @TripleFly @Seed thanks for the encouragement.

It's still doable. You need a job, get a job at McDonalds, get any job, you need to earn a living so you can buy certain essential things. Good clothes, good perfume, good food. You can't expect a women to get close to you without these things. Get books that you're passionate about, it could be self help, it could be about virgins like you. Start digging your head into reading material, it's good for you. enjoy it. Find a career path. Pay a professional counselor(see why you need money?) to help you figure what kind of a career you can make yourself. You need to get your head straight. Pay for therapy. Find a gym so you can get those feel good hormones, so you can get testosterone, this will boost your performance and drive for life. It will make you also want to get better food to get higher and better nutrition. Good luck. If all else fails, go to a monestary instead of suicide. Monks have been recorded to be able to instantly create bliss, to off record levels of bliss, such rapture and love on command is not something science understand. So if it comes down to it, just go and do that, what've you got to lose. Better than suicide imo.

Text this line https://www.crisistextline.org/ You will talk to a counselor trained for this type of crisis. You are having a crisis just like a heart attack. You need to get help as fast as you can. Text or call the line and they will help you. https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/suicide/#suicidal-behavior-what-people-contemplating-suicide-might-do-4 You are enough and you matter immensely buddy! Don't believe your mind telling you otherwise.

Thanks so much for caring friends. Grateful for all your support @Tudo I can’t afford to buy a car to drive with Uber or go to an escort. I’m not able to afford it. @mandyjw sorry for forgetting to tag you previously @Barbara @Knowledge Hoarder I called the suicide hotline today thanks. My life is already ruined so committing suicide would end my pain. @Nahm Thanks for summarizing friend. You sounded very spiritual before. It is hard to change my beliefs but I am currently trying. @Barbara Thanks. But getting a woman to love me is impossible for me. I have been rejected and mocked many times by girls I liked. I am at the bottom of the food chain. Everyone else has normal lives and aren’t virgins at my age. I want to be loved by someone @Bob Seeker I will look into him @Leo Gura Thanks for the plan Leo and for the advice. We are close to the same age. It feels impossible but you said it’s doable for me. I will follow the baby steps. I want to be loved by someone Does everyone think I am a loser being at the point I am now? @Jacob Morres @Husseinisdoingfine @Regan@hoodrow trillson Thanks. Means so much to me. Not all incels are bad

@Gianna I'm glad you found this helpful. I understand that for many people who are not philosophically minded it seems crazy to consider the idea that suffering is an illusion. I wonder what it would take for a society to apply these insights. I remember in high school there were some talks about teenagers getting depressed and committing suicide. These teachers were doing there best to tell people some of the signs that indicate that a student is suicidal. In spite of their efforts, many students still quietly struggled with a lot of emotional problems and did not know what to do about them. For a long time I was also struggling with domestic violence and drug addiction in my family. I felt like I was constantly fighting myself and my suffering felt very real. If these insights were shared with schools, I know their good intentions would pay off. This is similar to my conclusions about my life purpose in that I generate unique and overlooked perspectives with which I can derive powerful truths through my unique way of thinking to approach complex issues in counterintuitive ways.

@Hello world Thank you my friend. If what I said was to lofty, the watered down version is… you are feeling the way you are due to how you’re looking at things. I know it’s very convincing that it’s because of the things. But, to see if this is accurate, change how you’re looking at things even in the slightest, simplest most subtle ways, and notice how it feels. Also, there are suicide prevention experts available who are trained to help. http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international-suicide-hotlines.html They are not only specifically trained in prevention, by helping bring clarity and relief to where you’re at. Much love, wishing you the best.

Please don't do such a thing. There are many stories of now healthy people who were close to suicide and today they are happy and loved, by themselves and others. Killing yourself would be in fact ruining your life, as there's no way back to that. Your life can change from day to night, you just got to believe that. There are suicidal hotlines in your country. A quick google research will lead you to them. Call them and get help!

@flowboy @Nahm @Barbara Thanks a lot friends. I will watch the videos for sure and try to follow the plan. @Nahm you sound very spiritual I want to be like you one day. I don’t understand much about what you said it’s too advanced for me but thanks for the the advice. @flowboy I haven’t committed suicide yet but I am dangerously close now and without any hope. I am alone in my apartment with no social contact yet alone from any women. I am dragging myself through each day suffering. But I will try. @Barbara love is dependent on external conditions at least for an incel like me who’s a kissless virgin at the age I have reached. Everyone my age is happy and loved in relationships and not an outcast and with stable lives. Look at @Leo Gura he’s so rich and successful at 36 and loved by everyone. I wish I was like him or alone with normal happy lives. I am unloved and an alone incel living in poverty. I haven’t even held a woman’s hand before

Watch this video. You already decided subconsciously to not actually commit suicide, so might as well start fixing your life now. I gave you a step by step progression that you can use as a plan. If you commit to taking action to change, people on this forum can help you over obstacles every step of the way. You are not alone.

Thanks guys. Just know that not all incels or people my age are crazy cruel people. I am a good person but I am seriously struggling and to the point of suicide now. Everyone my age has succeeded. I am left behind. Call me bitter or resentful but I am a good person just seriously broken

@Gianna I meant that I do this in a physical journal. It has a different feeling compared to doing it online when it feels closer and more personal. I also feel pressure to keep posting when I commit to these online projects. I did an online journal a while back before I purchased the life purpose course and book list. Aside from the journal, what I discuss with my brother is specific to our life experiences. secondly, in order to resolve inner emotional tension, it takes a lot of different perspectives. Overtime, you can observe your thoughts and emotions and watch how they gradually evolve in terms of how you react to them. This happens through many small insights, gradually being integrated into your psyche. Do you have a thread about low self esteem in which you expand on this topic? The most powerful insight weakens suicidal thoughts a lot. Although you can moralize to yourself about suicide being selfish and use this to avoid killing yourself successfully, it is not optimal. It is far more powerful to recognize that the desire to die comes from love in that one seeks to reduce suffering. If you hesitate to commit suicide, then this is also a form of love when the desire to survive conflicts with the desire to die. If there is hesitancy, then there could still be hope. Rather than having these desires conflict with each other, one can meditate and observe both desires while releasing attachment to both. If one attempts to make the desire to live win out, then although this is another form of love, it backfires if the desire to die is repressed and not fully resolved. This leads to further inner conflict and backsliding into depressive episodes full of hopelessness. Through this counterintuitive move to release both the desire to live and the desire to die, one can begin to recognize the deeper underlying truth. The truth is that love is your essential nature and nothing can truly separate you from it. This also means that evil is an illusion, therefore harsh moral judgements about your behavior become untenable. This insight is what is being missed by most of society and it could save a lot of people's lives while fixing self esteem issues. This is how one can move from suicidal, to getting by, to optimally coping. I am currently checking my coping mechanisms to see if I am getting by, or can I optimize them to discover something powerful and counterintuitive as this can lead to a massive difference in our thinking. It is possible to self reflect so deeply that you can experience a state of consciousness in which you realize that all suffering is love, and in this sense you never truly suffered as outrageous as it may sound. you could feel as if all of your suffering was an illusion and you were never hurt at all. This makes me feel like crying in a good way. This might have been what Jesus meant when he said "the kingdom of heaven is found within.". My brother struggled with the philosophical and religious sounding insights and he found it helpful to study ego defense mechanisms as a form of practical psychology. You can find a list on Wikipedia and ask yourself "how do I use these defense mechanisms?"

@Marcel We talked about mom Grandad issues... Felt unsafe and uncomfortable as a teen How compassion is needed to heal mom's issues. Using gentle approach The incident with dad. After that a phone call with grandmother. He had npd. (avoiding conflict) did not understand when you were 15. Cold behavior And that there is conflict between. You don't tolerate disrespect. You won't take disrespect. Expenses, how many euros were spent in different ways? Money mis management Start working in 4 months. 4 months time for emotional healing, psychological healing, cultivation of compassion, ignore dad, mental health struggles, problems with expression, suicidal tendencies, open communication and sharing, you want to be able to access emotions properly, mental instability, no control over emotional state, weight loss, physical exhaustion (over exertion and body and mind abuse, self destructive behavior), existential crisis, confusion state there is no sense of direction, feeling all emotions at once, music was having a bad influence, mental and emotional exhaustion because of crying and pent up emotions, talking about and crying was making you feel better, healthy crying, uncontrollable crying causing exhaustion, you want to work out 3 times a week for 30 minutes. You cut out superficial friends Past addictions - TV, overeating, music and video games, walking, over exertion, studying Stage Orange mindset (from family) blue in family, maternal is green Suicidal tendencies Free therapy - planning to go to a therapist conflicted about therapy due to bias and bad experiences with therapists in the past Integration of masculinity Shaming your own masculinity Free expression of feminine side Morgue helps you. Some of his work Bob Proctor - stage orange Struggle with Stage Green emotional side. Can't relate to it Dominant and submissive side Food preferences changed - vegetables and fruits. Walking in early morning for 30 minutes Sleep quality - all over the place. Very sleepy. Over sleepiness. Not a proper schedule. Not able to keep a schedule for more than 2 weeks Don't watch porn Emotional issues - majority /major Definition of spirituality - to develop love, compassion and care and understanding Suicide attempts - 2, 18/20 Loneliness 2 years (last) Pyramid scheme- it helped you become more extroverted. Don't regret it. Lost money on it. Regret losing money on it. Overall negative experience. Interacting with different people was a positive part of the experience Number of friends - very very few. Bullying - 7th grade (13 years) to 10th grade (16 years ) cold environment Defensive at times in teens Some anger issues due to suicide based trauma Emotional Maturity - need to develop. Access to feelings needed. Impulsive during triggers. Less control on emotions. Dealing with everything all alone

of course not dude, you are not at all overthinking. i am quite surprised at the same things I have encountered on my journey. I might not be as advanced as many on this forum claim to be. dunno i u might find this useful but, anyways i will say that what you are experiencing is not uncommon. Even i got into this shit of questioning my own existence and reality around 16 y/o. this questioning lead me into depression and lost my entire view on reality. sertraline ain't the worst med i've taken . intrusive thoughts kept hitting my head every 5 minutes and I even seriously thought about suicide . super intrusive thoughts similar to the ones you describe are the most painful things I've had in my life.. .I believe that u r not having much of an emotional prob but, as i believe a shattering of your self image. I have witnessed a lot of things you say in my own personal life and have asked the same questions too. don't worry mate. you GOT THIS. !!!! i would personally recommend to stop all the mind-stuff you are doing and come back to the REALITY. get to a psychiatrist if you hv to and take some meds and the intrusive thoughts will vanish.

Their songs Wait and Bleed and Everything Ends are, in my opinion, about the lead singers suicide attempt. He really adds emotional depth into his work by channeling that anger and sadness he felt during that moment.

My friends I am truly despaired and in need of an external point of view on my life so far, I can't ignore it anymore. I feel helpness and I don't know what to do. This summer I started to have backlashes of suicidal thoughts. One day I was so low: I went in a camp with a knife and I called my country's suicide hotline for giving this life a last chance. I called twice but they did not respond. I don't reccomand a similar experience. Since then I talked about it only to my girlfriend and a friend and that has helped a little bit. I feel judged by people, I feel that I'm not in the way I'm supposed to be but at the same time I don't know "how" to be. I started my self-help journey when I was 16 (now I'm 19). Since then I watched a lot of Leo's videos, read about 50 books of the booklist and still do that daily (I started the booklist about a year ago), I take copius amounts of notes, I journal twice a day, make affermations, meditate, do cold showers... I devoted myself to make my life better but the only thing that I want right now is to end my life in brutal ways. I feel like I should not consume media, but create media. The only thing I do is sell custom t-shirts online. That earn me some money but I don't feel original and when I do the creation does not sell. I feel guilty because I'm chasing money and success; I know that they won't make me happy but I keep on doing that. I feel like a failure because my success comes from a single artwork and even if I put a lot of effort in expanding my business and creating more I don't get results. I also fear that one day I will be betrayed by my girlfriend, even though things are going well with her. I feel like I'm not enough for her. This week I wanted to be alone and focus on my work. But I ended up finishing my goals early in the day and then have nothing to do. I don't know I should I spend my time because I feel guilty in watching videos, tv series, ecc... I meditate and contemplate on what I am but not understanding what awereness, nothingness and God are. Staying with the not knowing and the confusion drives me crazy. I can't explain to myself why the only solution seems to kill myself. I try so hard to prevent that, but no matter what I do I feel like a failure and basically I'm living my life in a confirmation bias upon which I search for reasons and situation to prevent feeling like a failure and by doing so basically confirming that I am one. Sorry I know this is rough and a lot to digest but I needed a toilet where to puke all of this. Most of the times I feel good and happy to live my life but sometimes this shit happens and nothing seems to help. Feel free to tell me any thought that you have had

In the relative domain yes and no: - human can commit suicide - a rock can't in the absolute sense no

I think I just realised the Essence of every teaching that promises spiritual liberation and purification. Please correct me if I am wrong or if you would like to add something to it. I'm gonna put it in advaida and vipassana terms. The distance between now and Liberation is at every Instant always so close. The distance is between "What IS" and "What should BE". When "What Should BE" becomes "What IS" then there's only what IS and nothing obstructing what IS from you. If I am right, then every instant of "What should be", that feeling of aversion, subtle or not is an OPPORTUNITY to be re-wired to WHAT IS. Shinzen Young calls that "recycle the reaction" and "the taste of purification". Easy example: Melancholy. I use that, because it has a taste of nostalgia, love and grief to it. You were so in Love, and you have lost it. I'm going to simplify it. In an Instant of Melancholy, WHAT IS Without you wanting to change it: Love, Nostalgia. WHAT SHOULDNT be: Grief and Loss with the thoughts about why grief and loss is bad. Integration means observing grief and loss with the same openness and concentration as what is accepted. The aversion ALWAYS gives a hint to "what is, but shouldn't be" The stronger the aversion, the stronger the purification if integrated entirely. "Once you get the taste of purification, the progress is going to be exponential" -Shinzen Young. So every type of suffering is potential for extreme growth, if handled correctly. I was a Wim Hof fan for so long, because intense physical pain would put me in a state of equanimity. Even though there's nothing wrong with it, the problem was I used cold and hot pain to avoid the Aversion towards what is (emotionally), without needing to face it right away. The Intense suffering Wim experienced after losing his daughter to suicide is what led him to jump in ice cold water for the first time. Sorry I'm rambling haha. The punch in the face is: For whatever reason you believe you want Liberation. You're gonna have to eventually work through that suffering you want to escape from. But don't worry, you're not gonna have to start with that, you can get the taste for purification first. Shinzen Videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyRaFN3TKYM&t https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HPObyaLB68&t https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsyekyUsImc