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Good day seekers, When you fully God-realize, when you fully awaken to omnipotence and omnipresence, does the body remain. Can you continue emagining and experiencing it from the human body, or are you pure nothingness, because having a body is kind of a trade-off. The physical body reduces your vibrations, densifies your body of nothingness into form, which cuts you off from your power. I think you can continue having a body, you can manipulate it, you have at your disposal whatever you can imagine off. You can also be in a scenario, whilst creating (imagining it) it at the same moment and the delay is close to 0. You can think up some stories now, can you not? You might dream something that you thought during the day. Can you not? It's just that when you are all-powerful, you can do it with the reality in front of you, not only in thought/imagination form in your current state of consciousness. The thing I am stuck on - when I become one with everything that is, my body was everything that is, not only the human body. There was no difference between the feeling of "I" between my arm, the air, the ceiling, the kitchen cabinet. Only I. So do I have to be in that ALLNESS POV, or can I cut myself off from that and still have full-blown power? I feel like Trump - only concerned with power. Or to be more precise, I don't want that fear-based fake power, I want the real deal baby! Jkjk. But not really. I realize that being all-powerful, some of the situations lose their meaning since there is no challenge. Yet, isn't there like a million things you would first experience before getting bored of that? Also, not sure how much Death reveals. How much does it raise my consciuosness? (Not thinking of suicide, don't worry guys :D) Anyway, perhaps someone figured this out? Would love to hear different perspectives to improve my understanding and contemplation. Thanks, non-existent at the time of writing guys.

Really good post, even though I can't claim to have understood it 100%. But I'm coming to the point of feeling like having to choose between suicide and living the life I have again and again, which just feels awful because it seems like the choice between pest and cholera. Have also understood the "total surrender" thing conceptually, but not embodied it yet. Maybe you have some pointers for me, maybe not, but great post, anyway!

@Leo Gura There are life cycles, monthly cycles, weekly cicles, daily cicles and meditative cycles of the dark night. Also, I think the only difference between pre and post awakening is simply that someone in pre awakening, isn't sufficiently pushed through that "misery"-stage. There's just gonna be avoidance. No pre-awakened person is gonna have the faith/trust/wisdom to go fully through misery, then giving up life-contemplating suicide and then finally going through everything again. Also it's hard to be mindful of those "steps" because every step of the dark night is like a break saying "no, don't do that". First thing is to be able to acknowledge the difference between disenchantment, desire for deliverance and reobservation in personal experience. That process is torturing the ego into submission. I could probably sit down tommorow, and go through all of the dark night insights while believing that it's real suffering up into Equanimity in 1 hour. If he didn't have an awakening yet, the best way is still to meditate through the sufferin of mind. Then there's space for awakening.

I can't believe I didn't listen to people who told me that before. I'm gonna repeat it. "You don't want enlightenment and you can't want enlightenment." That's basically it. I'm not gonna say:"You're already enlightened" because nobody who seeks enlightenment is gonna want to hear that. Me included. Also, it's not about reading this in a right way for you to get it or not. It's more complex than that. And it's more simple than that. Also: "Realisations don't enlighten or liberate you". They just give you insights into reality, that's it, and those insights are gonna tell you to some degree that you're gonna have to do the following things: (after "here's the deal) You don't want to be nothingness/GOD/emptiness all the time. Because what's more empty than no-thingness? Non-existence, and that's death and or the absence of any perception. So here's the deal: Obviously you either want more of life or fewer of those negative things we call suffering. And you heard about spirituality or enlightenment. Bliss, god, liberation, enlightenment. If you took some psychedelics or had orgasmic awakenings you might think you want that all the time. For example, I had a kundalini awakening. I can't describe the pleasure I've had having it awaken. When it rose I felt like I was the sun being loved into existence. The next few weeks I just had to focus for a split second on my lower back and could maintain that cosmic orgasm for as long as I wanted. This sounds a lot like enlightenment, but it isn't. It's like a heroin IV drip. And the heroin is not gonna last, you're gonna lose it. That's your view on enlightenment if you seek more from life. And once you have that, which you don't necessarily need, you're gonna face suffering, which you'd want to escape from too. So here's the second thing. You can want enlightenment because life is too much suffering and you don't care that much about beauty pleasure etc. So you're gonna try everything you can, to escape suffering, because that's what enlightenment is for you. You're gonna cause suffering in order to escape suffering. The insane ego-mind is gonna have those ideas. You're also gonna want to kill yourself to avoid suffering. That's why you can't want enlightenment. You'd rather kill yourself than become enlightened. Because enlightenment is... No more doing, there's nothing you can do, there's just suffering and the mind handling it. That's it. There's no hope. Enlightenment is NOT the last hope, it's the end of hope alltogether. Most important message: "The thing you want to avoid most in your subjective experience is the door to enlightenment" That's it: If you want to escape your shitty life, then your shitty life is the door to enlightenment, and there's nothing you can do about it. That's surrender. Detaching from your shitty life is not enlightenment, it's what keeps you from enlightenment. If you have just one reason for pursuing enlightenment, that's it. That thing is the path / the door. So turn around 180°. There's also nothing you can do except exhaust yourself, until you give up. The grace of God doesn't show up if you're frustrated. It only shows up once you surrender thinking the only way out is suicide. That's how far it goes. And that's not even total enlightenment. That's when the falling into enlightenment CAN (but doesn't have to) start. It's as if you commited suicide, landed in hell for eternity, and had to accept it. That's when the grace of god shows up. YOU CAN'T WANT THAT!!!! So what can you do? Simple: There is "what IS" and there is "Aversion to what IS". Be minful of the "aversion to what is", so that it becomes "what is". AVERSION is illusory. Aversion is already "What IS" The seeking is gonna end with the aversion to the thing that makes you seek enlightenment in the first place. Important notice: 1. Don't play with suicide or suicidal thoughts. 2. Never hurt yourself emotionally or physically on purpose. 3. Never hurt other people/animals physically or emotionally. 4. Don't fuck up your life in any way. Don't change anything in your day-to-day life. Those are not "additional rules", but just indications that if you have those ideas, you don't understand what is being talked about. If you have those thoughts/ideas, feel free to PM me or comment them, I'm gonna tell you what you misunderstand.

" In reality nothing happens. Onto the screen of the mind destiny forever projects its pictures, memories of former projections and thus illusion constantly renews itself. The pictures come and go – light intercepted by ignorance. See the light and disregard the picture. Question: What a callous way of looking at things! People are killing and getting killed and here you talk of pictures. Nisargadatta: By all means go and get killed yourself – if that is what you think you should do. Or even go and kill, if you take it to be your duty. But that is not the way to end the evil. Evil is the stench of a mind that is diseased. Heal your mind and it will cease to project distorted, ugly pictures. Question: What you say I understand, but emotionally I cannot accept it. This merely idealistic view of life repels me deeply. I just cannot think myself to be permanently in a state of dream. Nisargadatta: How can anybody be permanently in a state caused by an impermanent body? The misunderstanding is based on your idea that you are the body. Examine the idea, see its inherent contradictions, realise that your present existence is like a shower of sparks, each spark lasting a second and the shower itself – a minute or two. Surely a thing of which the beginning is the end, can have no middle. Respect your terms. Reality cannot be momentary. It is timeless, but timelessness is not duration. Question: I admit that the world in which I live is not the real world. But there is a real world, of which I see a distorted picture. The distortion may be due to some blemish in my body or mind. But when you say there is no real world, only a dream world in my mind, I just cannot take it. I wish I could believe that all horrors of existence are due to my having a body. Suicide would be the way out. Nisargadatta: As long as you pay attention to ideas, your own or of others, you will be in trouble. But if you disregard all teachings, all books, anything made out of words, and dive deeply within yourself and find your Self, this alone will solve all your problems and leave you in full mastery of every situation, because you will not be dominated by your ideas about the situation. Take an example. You are in the company of an attractive woman. You get ideas about her and this creates a sexual situation. A problem is created and you start looking for books on continence, or enjoyment. Were you a baby, both of you could be naked and together without any problem arising. Just stop thinking you are the bodies and the problems of love and sex will lose their meaning. With all sense of limitation gone, fear, pain and the search for pleasure – all cease. Only Awareness remains. "

I don't think already depressed people should be getting into solipsism and interpret it to mean that they are totally alone. Or that teenagers who get bullied and contemplate suicide, should hear that death is not to be feared, because it's just an imagination and their life isn't real either. Or that someone suffering from derealisation, is helped by a video telling him nothing's real and life is just a dream. Or that people with an already shaky grip on reality are helped by the message that they are God and created everything. I don't condemn putting out these videos, I love them. But I'm mentally healthy, so whatever I don't get, I don't get and that's it. I think there's groups of people who would be prone to dangerously misinterpret these teachings, and are not ready to hear some of these things being proclaimed with extreme conviction, and perhaps something more can be done besides disclaimers. Then again, if not all the teachings would be democratically made available, that is a bit cultish... It's a conundrum. I'm just brainstorming here. These arguably dangerous truths are surely magnitudes less dangerous than all the lies being circulated by ideologues... so what are we even talking about. I'm just saying, I get why spiritual truths would be guarded. There's also a reason that not everyone knows how to make a Philosopher's Stone. There's freemasons sitting on that (I've heard). Disclosing everything to the masses leads to chaos.

@Raptorsin7 IMO, the issue with teaching is not necessarily how to point, but how to guide students based on their situation. I can give you examples of things I wouldn't know how to handle: -Someone dissociates -depression -Wants to commit suicide -psychotic delusions -Hallucinations -Is immoral and risks becoming an enlightened psychopath -Dark night -Kryias -Anger and violence And then there's all of the other mental issues... Those are only the things I know about that I'm not confident in handling, and I don't want to be the guy that leads them there and then tell them they're on their own. There was a guy named Rali (Naked reality on youtube), he got his students to awaken their Kundalini, and then when they entered the dark night, which always happens, he realised he couldn't help them anymore. He deleted his channel after realising what he did, didn't actually help anyone.

I'm going through it real tough, I could hang myself tonight but I don't think suicide is possible in case I survive and am disabled, or I after death I regret it, nor is there a god or jesus or parent to come save me and make things better - My name is also Isaac,

@Hello world Those two underlined, fat sentences were the actual reason of your post. You didn't just come here to inform us about your suicide. I don't believe you this. There definitely was at least a little bit of hope in you which inspired you to ask for help. I don't think you were only seeking validation/attention with your post, right? If you actually invested some of your energy in seeking help this would be the first step in the right direction. Nobody on this forum can do this for you. Watch Leo's videos on depression. See if you can find testimonials of people who recovered from depression or any kind of misery. Get inspired. There always is hope.

Suicide is my only way out. I will try it again properly

Thanks for caring @LordFall @Blackhawk @Federico del pueblo I cannot afford anything. I have no choice but to commit suicide. I have no life and no future. I cannot bear the pain. I am suicidal. It is too much

After reading “Cleanse to Heal” and following the heavy metal detox cleanse in the book by Medical Medium, I am 100% fatigued and exhausted after just drinking lemon juice in the AM and can’t even get to juice or make the other part of the protocol. Everything make so much sense. My mom is extremely unhealthy, toxic, ocd, etc. her heavy metals in the womb definitely got passed down and explains my OCD, fatigue, ADD from a very young age. I realized that these metals basically control everything I do in my day because, I have no freedom when I’m at the Will of low energy levels and toxic brain disorders from these metals. Then when I detox, my life derails it’s self even more because it’s sooo intense Now the toxins accumulated are too much to handle I can’t stop thinking of ways to escape reality. No health professional is going to do the work for me. I don’t feel comfortable doing the Cutler way of chelating as I’m in a place where I won’t be a perfectionist with it, and I’m not going to risk suicide because of the toxins/Chelation damaging my brain and organs further. Who’s had success with heavy metal cleanses and how they did it exactly?

@Blackhawk woaaah. Was she more or less attractive? During how much do they offer you this? Where do you live? In my case the police didn't care about the drugs I was carrying, they asked for an ambulance to take me to the hospital and talk with a therapist. And they were super kind. Yeah its funny this society with suicide, uh? We don't care about living in shit in shitty jobs, stressful lives, etc, but nobody suicide!! Lol

@Hello world So have you even tried professional help? The society really doesn't want you to committ suicide. You can try to take advantage of that. Interesting things happen as soon as you tell them that you're suicidal. If you just call 911 they'll break your door and take you to hospital. For example they gave me a woman who I could meet once a week. I could choose that they would give me a woman who I would meet once a week. She was working voluntarily. Of course it wasn't sexual and it didn't lead to anything with her but still, I could be social and do things with a woman. Normal stuff like go out on walks, cinema, go to coffeehouse, hang out at my place, etc.

@Hello world It's sad to read that (your suicide attempt). I would urge you to seek help immediately and call some hotline or any professional when you are in a situation like this (when you feel like you want to kill yourself). I also want to encourage you to not give up. It's worth it. When you're at this rock bottom level everything seems pointless, but it is possible to rise again. Think about what kind of an amazing story you'll be able to tell if you make it out of this and become a healthy person that can enjoy life. You'll then be very proud of yourself for not having given up. Also think about the people who are close to you, who would have to live with the loss of you.

I want to know, if I got stabbed, would it hurt? Or if I got into a tragic car accident, do you think I'll feel glass inside me, and everything's a blur except buzzing blue and red lights as I'm waiting around in a crushed vehicle for fire fighters to pry metal pieces out my lazy limp body, or during the warm day as a sudden voice asks me to stay awake and flies are suddenly attracted to me ... While a passenger victims cries and groans in the background? Essentially, does dying at all hurt, or will I slip into death like removing a tight shoe or awakening immediately out a dream as if nothing had happened - What if I were to get shot, will I notice anything during a dying process, like half my limb missing and sudden I notice an inability to move or talk? Will I reflect on my social circles and feel a sense of shame that I'm allowing myself to practically give up on life and fall "asleep"? Sadghuru says if you die accidentally like suicide or your body is injured at too young of an age, then you kind of have to wait a very long time I think before you can finally come back again ... because no matter how hellish this current life appears to get, we all want to have a physical life, apparently ... Apparently we won't spend too long as dead folks and will wish we had our lives back ... Which is hard to believe as I know I'm resistant, stubborn, bitter, and sometimes in despair and aguish about a build-up of events leading to this moment, Also, will I reincarnate into someone I don't want to be? Like I see plenty of people and I'd hate to be them, can I keep choosing what best suits me as a sort of game I'd like to opt into like character customization and world building options ... Thanks, I need details about pain and suffering during the final moments which are sure to come,

Days got much worse the past days and I attempted suicide yesterday. Thanks @Raze @Huz @Flint @kamwalker @Matt23 @Jacob Morres @PepperBlossoms @Yeah Yeah @kelli

The only possible explanation for how I can still be alive is that I actually did committ suicide, but after I did it I simply got teleported into a different universe inside the multiverse where I didn't committ suicide. It's called quantum immortality.

Are you talking about suicide? And I don't know if it is possible to fully awaken in this life-time, or maybe it is; although, I think that'd result as a physical death - Therefore, you're in this dream for some important reason/intention, or your predicament would likely be otherwise if this were not so - Unless as God, you kind of dared yourself onto this rollercoaster called life, so really you're stuck here until you finally die gracefully, Anways, personally I'm lazy these past few days that it somewhat hurts, haha, I'd better actually get done some cleaning and study,

It is NOT. You see yourself on the brink of suicide right now, and you can turn that in your advantage actually. Eckhart Tolle said in his book that he was in a quite similar situation at one point of his life, casually contemplating suicide at 29, constantly filled with self-hatred. It's said that one night it was so unbearable, he basically awoke. I'm not saying that's what will happen to you, but that your pain can actually be a great catalyser. Sometimes, doing effective spiritual work is actually harder when life is too comfortable. Also, you can begin by stop identifying as an incel, or a loser. You're so much more than that, you wouldn't even believe. Baby steps man. It's about regaining sovereignty over your own life, first and foremost. Don't underestimate how much progress you can do in a single year if you start now. And you would only be 39. Let alone a project on 5-10 years. And you would still be young.

No way, I think I'd contemplate killing myself, too, if I'm a virgin by your age (personally, I'd feel just the same myself), I'm a 25 year old virgin and so far I've experienced Hell and almost daily misery, I now live on Mum's sofa, I laugh at my predicament (typically laugh cry daily for the past year and a half or more), and to believe things will get better isn't living in the present moment - Life is a giant mind fuck from what I can gather, sure, at this moment you may feel miserable, and then tomorrow everything may make sense and you'll feel great, perhaps after a meal, or finding out there's a new Spiderman film trailer, or the release of a favourite video game remastered ... but deep down there's a sensation as if everything is wrong, as if everything is pure chaos and there's no amending it and the only possible answer is to die - and now you realize that to finally die you must wait, slowly, gradually, and until then you will resist, and you will go into death with a build up of depression, regrets and continually questioning suicide, Sorry, I'm 100% a nihilist at this point, and I'm a 25 year old virgin, I've lost heaps, gone through betrayal, and now I'm a fish caught between two rocks flapping away ready to kill myself - I mean why pretend to go on if you're eager to die, because I'll mess up the whole social game, EDIT - Ignore my nihilist advice, Leo makes more support than myself, and some other replies ... But could you respond to myself if you're still alive as to why you're a virgin from your point of view? Maybe I'll relate, thanks - And be completely honest with me why you think you are a virgin, thanks

@Leo Gura but leo everything taken to extreme is dangerous.the forum member who did suicide really thought none of this real and he took it to the extreme.extreme is always dangerous .why wont we all occupy the middle spot ie the sweet spot ie half way between everything is material and everything is an illusion.i think that would be the healthiest world.view

This story I found in the book "Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously" by OSHO. Enjoy! The story is that one man became a chakravartin — and it happens only once in thousands of years that a man becomes a chakravartin. Even Alexander the Great was not a world conqueror; there was yet much left unconquered. And he died very young, he was only thirty-three: there was not even time enough to conquer the world. What to say of conquering, the whole world was not even known. Half of the world was unknown, and the half that was known, even that was not conquered. This man, of whom I am going to tell you the story, became the chakravartin. It is said that when a chakravartin dies — because a chakravartin happens only in thousands of years, he is a rare being — when he dies he is received in heaven with great rejoicings and he is taken to a special place. In Jaina mythology, in heaven there is a parallel mountain to the Himalayas. The Himalayas are just made of rocks and earth and ice. The parallel Himalayas in heaven is called Sumeru. Sumeru means the ultimate mountain: nothing can be higher than that, nothing can be better than that. It is solid gold; instead of rocks there are diamonds and rubies and emeralds. When a chakravartin dies he is led to Sumeru mountain to engrave his name on it. That is a rare opportunity; that happens only once in thousands of years. Of course this man was immensely excited that he was going to write his name on Sumeru. That is the ultimate catalogue of all the great ones that have been, and will also be the catalogue of all the great ones who are going to be. This emperor was becoming party to a lineage of supermen. The gatekeeper gave him the instruments to engrave his name. He wanted a few of his men who had committed suicide just because their emperor was dying — they could not think of living without him. His wife, his prime minister, his commander-in-chief — all the great people who were around him, they all had committed suicide, so they had come with him. The emperor wanted the gatekeeper to let them all come to see him engrave his name, because what is the joy if you go alone and engrave your name and nobody is there even to see? — because the real joy is that the whole world should see. The gatekeeper said, “You listen to my advice, because this is my inherited profession. My father was a gatekeeper, his father was a gatekeeper; for centuries we have been gatekeepers to Sumeru mountain. Listen to my advice: Don’t take them with you; otherwise you will repent.” The emperor could not understand, but he could not even go against his advice — because what interest could that man have in preventing him? The gatekeeper said, “If you still want them to see, first go engrave your name; then come back and take them with you if you want. I have no objection even now if you want to take them, but just in case you decide not to, then there will be no place, no chance … they will be with you. You go alone.” This was perfectly sane advice. The emperor said, “That’s good. I will go alone, engrave my name, come back, and call you all.” The gatekeeper said, “I am perfectly agreeable to that.” The emperor went and he saw the Sumeru shining under thousands of suns — because in heaven you cannot be so poor as to have just one sun — thousands of suns, and a golden mountain far bigger than the Himalayas — and the Himalayas are almost two thousands miles long! He could not open his eyes for a moment, it was so glaring there. And then he started looking for a space, the right space, but he was very much puzzled: there was no space; the whole mountain was engraved with names. He could not believe his eyes. For the first time he became aware what he was. Up to now he was thinking he was a superman who happens once in thousands of years. But time has been from eternity; even thousands of years didn’t make any difference, so many chakravartins had happened already. There was no space on that biggest mountain in the whole universe where he could write his small name. He came back, and now he understood that the gatekeeper was right not to take his wife and his commander-in-chief and his prime minister and other intimate friends. It was good that they had not seen the situation. They would still believe that their emperor was a rare being. He took the gatekeeper inside and he said, “But there is no space!” The gatekeeper said, “That’s what I was telling you. What you have to do is to erase a few names and write down your name. That’s what has been done; my whole life I have been seeing this done, my father used to say this has been done. My father’s father — none of my family have seen Sumeru empty, or any space ever. “Whenever a chakravartin has come he had to erase a few names and write his own name. So this is not the whole history of the chakravartins. Many times it has been erased, many times it has been engraved. You just do your work, and then if you want to show your friends you can bring them in.” The emperor said, “No, I don’t want to show them and I don’t want to even write my name. What is the point? — someday somebody will come and erase it. “My whole life has become utterly meaningless. This was my only hope, that Sumeru, the golden mountain in heaven was going to have my name. For this I have lived, for this I have staked my life; for this I was ready to kill the whole world. And anybody else can erase my name and write his. What is the point of writing it? I will not write it.” The gatekeeper laughed. The emperor said, “Why are you laughing?” The gatekeeper said, “This is strange, because this too I have been hearing from my grandfathers — that chakravartins come, and seeing the whole story, just turn back; they don’t write their names. You are not new: anybody having a little intelligence would do the same.” In this whole world what can you gain? What can you take away with you? Your name, your prestige, your respectability? Your money, your power — what? Your scholarship? You cannot take anything. Everything will have to be dropped here.

I see that education could have a massive impact on the future of mankind. I have many ideas for courses in mind, but I am not sure how to implement them. I may have to build schools in order to make these ideas real. Here are a few ideas for courses in schools and colleges. emotional mastery and meditation Developmental psychology How to distinguish between real news and fake news. (Already starting and we need more of this.). Other courses focused on the philosophy of logic and epistemology can be included. Religious philosophy. This is interesting and useful for understanding many worldviews, but controversial because some religions want only one religion to be taught, but Satanists argue that all religions should be taught. I agree with the Satanist because it helps people learn critical thinking by comparing different belief systems. This unlikely to happen in today's society because of close mindedness toward Satanism. The history of white washing history. This includes slavery, holocaust denial, and one day it will include January 6th. It studies the way in which historical narratives are cherry picked or completely ignored in order to help people gain political power or to avoid accountability. White washing history can lead to future genocides of the previous genocide is denied or blamed on the same group. How to learn. This would be a game changer for education. One of the goals of these kinds of courses is to address our overly secularized society in which emotional mastery and spirituality are underestimated. This backfires on mankind in many ways including suicide rates which could be reduced through meditation and emotional mastery. Other ideas for reforming education include improving access to online education in rural areas of developed country and introducing this technology to under developed countries. This can be combined with reduced classroom sizes to improve the quality of education. How else should education be changed? What courses should be included? How do we make these ideas reality? Do we have to build our own schools in order to make this possible?

I have provided links to articles to better help my story's validity. Please don't do what I do in the story and smoke an excessive amount of weed unless you're already spiritually open minded. I was not ready for what was to come. It took me a year to get back to some normality again. Weed is the reason I have been enlightened. Weed is the reason I started questioning my reality. Weed is the reason I'm a better person. Weed unlocked my schizophrenia. https://www.cnn.com/2021/07/22/health/marijuana-schizophrenia-study-wellness/index.html I'm not saying weed was the sole reason I got schizophrenia. I was already seeing things out of the corner of my eye before this. I was seeing things out of the corner of my eye all the time but I never thought anything of it. One time, before I even knew what weed was, I was trying to sleep and suddenly I saw a silhouette of a boy from the corner of my eye right next to my bed. Needless to say, I couldn't sleep that night. Weed more or less caused schizophrenia to be more active but it did not create it. After smoking as much weed as I possibly could (me and my friends shared 8 grams), I thought I was having a heart attack and I passed out. I felt a swirling in my head and then had a dream that I was convinced was reality. During this dream, I asked one of my friends if I should worry about what just happened but my friend waved his hand to signal that it was fine. However, I ended up seeing something small that encompassed me and I started seeing visions of my "repressed memories." After this dream happened, I woke up and continued hanging out with my friends as if nothing happened. my schizophrenia was unlocked however and the next day I started having delusions. I thought my friends put a bug in my ear and I actually heard a bug die inside of my right ear. Getting checked by the doctor showed me that there was no bug in my ear. Despite this, I continued to believe these delusions. Looking back at it now, I'm glad this happened. My delusions helped me see reality for what it truly is. My delusions were so real to me that I was completely left in an entirely different realm of reality. It showed me how easy it is to forget where you are and how easy it could've been for me to commit suicide and die. I could've lost my life. Hell, a part of me believes I did die. I took almost an entire bottle of ibuprofen during my psychosis. Once the pills started effecting me, I thought I was definitely going to die. I thought that I was going to come back to the year 2020 starting all over again and I believed everyone was going to know about my death and hate me for hurting my family and friends. Instead, I had vivid dreams. I had a dream that I stared at my window and suddenly the light shining through got brighter and brighter. It encompassed me and made a very loud noise that I cannot possibly describe. The reason I'm saying this is a dream is because the pills started effecting me at night, there should be no reason light would be shining through my window. Whether or not I actually died that day, I cannot possibly tell you. Now, back to the weed. I continued smoking it even though it caused my delusions to get worse. I had no idea these were delusions however, so you can see how dangerous this could be. https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/marijuana/there-link-between-marijuana-use-psychiatric-disorders#:~:text=Marijuana use has also been,as the drug wears off. I had all these irrational fears about being sent to infinity and being trapped behind the eyes of an infinite amount of beings. Eventually, I smoked so much that my existentialism started crashing down like a house of cards. I got so high, I decided not to care about my inevitable doom. All the things I tried doing to stop this doom, like scraping earwax out of my ear or holding my breath, I have failed in accomplishing. I realized that I have to wait. I'm too focused on it. All I'm doing is stressing out about it. I'm not actually accomplishing my goals. I'm not in any danger right now so I will wait until I believe the time is right. Funny how weed magically made me change my trajectory from going down to going up. Of course, the story ends in victory as I realize all of it was just in my head. Benefits? These things I believe are real are only real because I made them real. I can make them real just as easily as I can make them disappear. Reality itself is a dream so there's no point in adding extra stressors to this mysterious complexity that I see before me. I may have opened a can of worms and started eating it but there's no point in opening more cans and eating more. Are the things in my imagination real? Maybe, but I don't think it matters right now. I am here and I am now. My consciousness is my reality. What I see in front of me contradicts what was being told to me in my head. There's no point in worrying about things anyways. The universe is essentially water and it will flow where it will flow. I can help guide my flow into the unknown without getting attached to stories in my head. It's ok not to know, I will know later when I'm ready to explore consciousness a bit further. Plus, reality is fallible. It could all be real, just as real as I made it to be. It could also be fake, as fake as reality itself is. I can choose what to believe. So fuck believing in a Hell that is impossibly worse than any Hell I can imagine. I don't really care about it right now because I'm not there. The only here is now anyways. This is the present moment and this is what I believe in. This is God, I am God, and this is God's presence. I don't need anything else but God.