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50th post on the Actualized.org forum! I watched Leo's video on how to realize you are God and I was left with something completely unexplainable. When I first watched the video I was left scared so I immediately stopped. The next time I watched the video, the beginning of it was not scary but actually, it was boring. Yeah yeah, I get it. I don't know how I got here, my past is an illusion, I already know these things. Still, I kept watching because I might learn some things. I'm glad I kept watching because Leo said something I never thought of. "Time does not exist." It was one hell of a thing to realize. Everything else started falling into place and I started entering into a different state of consciousness. I felt a lot of something that I simply just cannot explain with words. Every time I was thinking about me in an alternate universe or me going to prison or anything negative, I'd simply realize that's all just fantasy and I would immediately return back to the present moment. Because of this, I realized myself as God more powerfully than I could've ever imagined. At the end, Leo said something like "if you aren't sure you realized you were God, you didn't. You'd be real fucking sure if you did." I smiled because I knew exactly what he meant. This is it, this was what I was looking for. I might lose this state of consciousness but I know I can always watch the video again and return completely to this state or maybe only partially. Whatever the case may be, realizing you are God only once in your life is better than not realizing you are God at all in your life. I'd like to say this was the planned ending for this journal but this literally just happened to me today. I didn't know what the Hell I was doing watching all of Leo's videos and joining this forum. All I knew was that my mental illness was more than just a mental illness. Leo was really speaking to me. However, even after months of watching Leo's content I kept going up and down over and over again without any hope in sight. A part of me felt like I wasn't even ready for this work. I even became discouraged and cried at one of Leo's videos talking about how some people just aren't ready. Still, I knew I needed this in life. No matter how insane it got, I knew this was the exact thing I was looking for. I was looking for peace in the present moment. Now, I am more than just at peace in the present moment. I am the present moment. Thank you everyone in this forum and especially Leo for helping me actualize my life. I no longer feel like suicide is the best option and I'm willing to now embrace the moment, embrace the random, and embrace whatever may come. There's still many challenges left to face in life but I'm finally feeling like I'm moving up the ladder again. Thank you crazy thoughts for helping actualize my life. This is the benefits of losing touch with reality. These were the benefits of schizophrenia.

Sinking and sinking, ball after ball. Prior to thinking happening (blah blah _______). Echoes of anger struggling for recognition and expression, in conflict with my attention which seek further awareness through patience. Alimonies and ecclesiastical ceremonies are garbage mmmnnhhnhhjhjhjjujjjjjjjjhj mmjnhhghhhhmmmjhn throw a suicide party and I'm guaranteed to fucking snap, it's evilsonic, it's pornoholic. Breakdowns obscenities is all I wanna be. IF YOU'RE 555 I'M 666, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE A HERETIC. I'm thisssssss close to snapping I swear to fucking christ Ethan I'll turn this car around if you don't shut up. mmmmmmhhhhhhhh.

Are there not seasonal regularities? You have phenomenas like seasonal depression, suicide rates rising in the spring, different activities based on the season etc. Things like light intensity, air temperature and daytime length are huge determining factors for behavior with complex effects down the line. @Staples' point is related to that.

I was at exactly the same place you were, at virtually the same time - four years ago I felt like I was in a very dark place, and there just seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I was even googling the best ways to go about it (drug overdose apparently isn't the way to go), felt like I had no other option. Just couldn't quite bring myself to do it though, boy was I close though... I've had phases of feeling suicidal, I remember there were times in my mid-twenties where I'd wake up in the morning and I'd just think, 'Why even go on?' I felt so lost and alone, I couldn't see any reason to go on. It's not like I was really hysterical or anything, I'd plan it all out quite rationally in my head - the best way to go about it, how to make it look like an accident so it'd be easier on my family (so they didn't have to live with the stigma of suicide).

Sometimes I do think about whether I should kill myself or not. I know that the smart and rational thing for me would be to kill myself. It would most likely in an instant solve all my suffering and problems. But when you take also others into the equation, then it's not such a easy decision anymore. What I would gain in stopping to suffer, would be lost on my parents suffering more. About 4 years ago I was very close to killing myself. I had everything ready, the rope, suicide letter, etc, but when I was about to do it, I couldn't do it.

He's mostly green and some yellow, if you listened to his commentary he makes points that everyone suffers, that statistically black men are treated just as bad if not worst than trans... but its all relative. His general message in the netflix special is we should all love each other. If you listen to his last special he mentioned his good friend a trans comedian defended him because he gave her an opener slot when he came to oakland, not even knowing how good she was. This friend was then harassed and canceled from the trans community, then spiraled into deeper depression and committed suicide. Many people in the trans community have lots of wounds to heal from... in the first place they grew up not loving who they are and their environment as a child wasn't supportive in helping them explore their sexuality and gender.... but really how many parents are equipped to handle such things?? Their wounds prevent them to see and listen to things.... It's not anyone's job to love you but it's your job to find a way to love those that you want love from. Personally, I was a victim of hate crimes which got me fearful, angry, sad, and many other emotions... if I can turn back time, I would have given myself that advice.

I have the right stuff to make it happen. Other players recognize my talents and agree that I am under rated. I played black in this game against an International Master and won. https://lichess.org/guK01WfB Am I willing to make my entire life chess? No, and there are world champions like Kasparov and Carlsen who also play sports and are politically active. Some grandmasters are also psychologists or engineers. If I were to do something aside from chess it would be restructuring our society such that we appreciate the significance of emotional mastery which is completely overlooked in education. This vision I have resonates with me most emotionally because all my life I struggled with self manipulation in which I tried to push away my most authentic emotions to convince myself I was someone else. If there are other people who struggled in this way, then I could make my life about teaching society the limitations of education and how to overcome them. One of the consequences would be to prevent suicide, but there would be a much broader impact beyond that. This leaves me with a big decision because these two directions for my life are good, but the second resonates with me most emotionally. I don't yet know how to actualize the second and I still don't make enough to get away from family. This leaves me with some uncertainty and feeling split as to where I should go. I will keep researching other methods for actualizing the second vision.

@Thought Art me too brother. Just don't casually mention suicide. This is not an option, it's stupidity. You just need to clear up some emotions. Read ask and it is given and the path of least resistance. These 2 books will help.

Birthday Blues There is a wave of depression that hits me around my birthday every year usually starting a month before my birthday. I have a lot of baggage around my birthday and I just wanted to vent about that. My birthday never felt like my day. First of all, my mom and I have the same birthday. We never had a good relationship and I don't like having to share my birthday with someone who caused so much pain in my life. She also always makes a fuss about the day, yells at service workers, and nit picks at what I'm eating when we go out to eat for the night. I also always feel like I'm being forced to celebrate. I'm always feeling depressed during this time of the year and instead of my parents trying to empathize with me and hear me out, they try to force me to celebrate and then yell at me and call me ungrateful when I'm not faking a smile perfectly. The celebration feels much more about them in the sense that if I had a lowkey birthday that they would feel like terrible people. But when I voice what I actually want, then I'm the weird one and there is something wrong with me because no normal person would be down on their birthday. I'm also forced to be with my toxic family during this time. This year, my anti vax aunt and uncle are pissed because I didn't celebrate my 21st birthday with them. I mean, this time last year was when the pandemic was peaking and we didn't have the vaccine so like.... I was trying to make sure we were all safe... But yeah, because of this my parents are like "it's your family obligation to spend time with us on your birthday." Then there is how there is always a ton of religious stuff going on during October. Basically, from the end of September to early (sometimes mid) November, is the holiday season for Hindu people. Having your birthday around Diwali is the equivalent of having your birthday on Christmas so I get the whole *hey, this present counts for both holidays* thing. That doesn't really bother me. What bothers me is how growing up I could never celebrate my birthday around my birthday because every time I would try to invite people, they would have plans. So most of the time I would celebrate at November. One time my birthday even got pushed all the way back to December. And because of the amount of stuff happening during this time of year, most people forget about my birthday anyway. My birthday is a reminder of all of the years I wasted being depressed. I had 2 suicide attempts around my birthday. One was the day before my 16th birthday. That year basically marked me being depressed for over half my life and I didn't want to continue living if it meant my life was going to continue on like this. The second was around this time last year. I ended up in the hospital and I had to put school on pause. I was finally starting to live my best life and get out of this only to be dragged back into living with my parents because of the pandemic. It sometimes feels useless to try to get better. I don't feel all that better compared to last year. Sure I don't want to kill myself but I still feel depressed, anxious, and exhausted and I'm not sure if there are any good things in store for me. My birthday basically makes me think *great... another year has gone by with me being miserable. How much longer do I have to hold on like this?* My birthday reminds me on how I'm not living a normal life, how I'm not living up to my own standards, and how I don't have friends. I feel like most normal people expect that you have plans for your birthday. Whenever that question comes up, I just don't have an answer because in most cases, I just want to be left alone during my birthday. I don't have that many friends who I feel like I can celebrate with. I also feel like I don't have a good enough social life. I feel like most people reminiscent on all the fun memories they made with their loved ones during the past year and I just don't have many of those memories. I don't mind having a few friends and spending most of my time in solitude but I feel like when my birthday rolls around, I feel like I simply didn't do enough. It's also just like how I feel like I haven't achieved enough each year. I feel so stagnant in my life and I feel like I'm not growing up. A lot of this goes back to the whole imposter syndrome thing I wrote about in the previous post. Also, my 20s actually feel like a thing now. And that freaks me out because it feels like my 30s are going to creep up on me and that is like a scary age to me. I know this isn't the healthiest outlook but I feel like there is this pressure to basically live out your whole life in your 20s and how this is the decade where you're supposed to have an amazing career, have a house, a solid social circle, a husband, maybe think about settling down and having kids, travel, be hot, achieve a shit ton of things, and basically be a full fledged adult with their life sorted out etc. I think a lot of it has to do with the boomers because economically, doing a lot of these things were feasible whereas things are simply not the same now and people are taking their time with these milestones. There are a couple of videos that I really like on this subject: My birthday also remind me aging and as a result mortality which then leads to an existential crisis. At one point, my 20s were also a scary age. I remember having this pressure to figure out what I wanted from life and what my priorities were in my late teens and have this plan of how I'm going to be full fledged adult. I also felt like I didn't have much of a margin of error and that any mistake I made could set me back like a decade and that's a decade lost of me not living my fullest life. I think a lot of this had to do with late stage capitalism and how the older people basically started nitpicking at the ways young people lived their lives and dealt with money instead of addressing systemic issues. And to still not have my shit sorted out now freaks me tf out. Then there is the whole pandemic and how I had to take time off of school messing with my perception of time. Basically, it can be summed up by this: Like, I don't feel like I'm about to turn 22. I still feel a few months into 20. And it feels like I wasn't able to start my life and instead I acquired a new flavor of crazy after sorting out my issues from my childhood. I also feel like I really let down my 18 year old self because of how these last 4 years went. I was supposed to be senior this year and I wasn't even able to do that. And it isn't even because my priorities are messed up or that I made a ton of bad decisions. Life just kind of happened. Like I remember at that age telling myself that I'm going to prioritize having quality relationships, pay attention to school but not get consumed by it, travel, let myself growth from and experience life, and over all have this well rounded college experience. I had the right idea and what I valued hasn't changed. It wasn't a lapse of judgement rather it was a lapse of circumstance that cause these thing to not come true. And that's something I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of going through life not really living, not because I don't know how to live or because I have shit priorities, but because life just happened. I'm not saying this as someone who is afraid they aren't taking control / responsibility of life and they are just letting things happen to them. Rather I'm speaking as someone who is taking responsibility and is putting in the effort to build something sustainable but there is always a chance that something completely outside of your control can come in and take everything from you. I make well thought out decisions because I don't want to waste my time prioritizing something stupid and instead I want to maximize the amount of fulfillment I get while I'm alive. And given how things have gone so far, I can't help but feel like I'm wasting my life.

try calling a local suicide hotline first https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbQr70rfwQg

Even though you are partly right about potential insights you might reach with this kind of illness. I don't agree with embracing the illness or resorting to traditional psychiatry. No, you jhave still a lot to learn. Let me refer you to the awkwardness of connecting everything to genetics : Of course, it is not recommended to a beginner to try to solve their mental illnesses without applying doctors. It's too risky, dangerous. I took this risk and succeeded. If you wanna replicate the same accomplishment I highly recommend that you do this in a safe environment whether by having your parents support you or saving money as a constant supply of food, water, electricity. Whatever kind of buffer you make, now you can carefully and safely experiment both with your mind and body. Your situation is lighter than me if you're not suicide prone. I both had lots of anxiety, obsession, blinky attention, constant switching between depression and mania, random mental chattering, irritating or addictive voices or even hallucinations. If could overcome such a complex mental node, so can you

@Sunmaster14 I don't have real data on this. However there are multiple dimensions to what leads to Awakening. Risk-taking: Men are more prone to taking big risks, including fucking up their psyche with psychedelics. Intuition: women are more Intuitive than men. Men who are ultra-rational are not gonna take too much time doing spirituality. Absolute Hopelessness:(needed for the first level of enlightenment): Women attempt suicide more often but don't succeed at it. So it's hard to say what gender goes through more extreme-hopelessness. Pursue crazy dreams is accepted: Men pursuing crazy stuff, including going to mongolia in a monastery is socially more acceptable than when women do it. Also society want to protect women, in whatever way their culture sees fit. So "No, woman, you're not gonna leave your life behind. Stay here and stay safe" The spectrum: I feel like, similar to the IQ distribution. The distribution of men's traits is way broader than the distribution of women's. I could be wrong though. Bias: We are biased to feel an old enlightened sage is a man. In stories the sage is always a man. That is what's attracting people to enlightenment. And no women really seems like what's told in the stories.

In 1811, the Shawnee Chieftan Tecumseh assembled a group of braves to oppose the Treaty of Fort Wayne. An agreement between the US and six different Indian tribes that would bring about the transfer of over 3 million acres of land to the US. William Henry Harrison brokered the treaty. When Tecumseh and his half-brother Tenskwatawah resisted the treaty, Harrison assembled a force of 1000 troops desiring to intimidate the Shawnee tribe into peace. This was unsuccessful, as Tecumseh responded by launching a surprise attack in Prophet's town next to the Wabash and Tippecanoe rivers. The battle went down in history as the Battle of Tippecanoe. After leading a successful defense, William Henry Harrison became venerated as a national hero with the name Old Tippecanoe. But, Tecumseh met his fate in the Battle of the Thames. His half brother Tenskwatawah, consumed with anger used his knowledge of the hidden technologies of life to destroy the future of Harrison saying "Harrison will die I tell you and after him every Great Chief chosen every 20 years thereafter will die. And when each one dies, let everyone remember the death of my people.". It's the year 1840, William Henry Harrison has been elected President of the United States. He opted out of the traditional carage to ride on horseback to his inauguration, as a prideful display of his virility. Harrison did this of course because he feared that at his age of 68 and frail as he was, that had he not flaunted what vitality he had left his reputation would suffer. He then orated 8445 words, the longest inaugural address to date. A grueling 2 hours in the freezing cold of winter. He immediately felt ill, 31 days after being sworn in, his cold took his life. The eight presidents before Harrison died after leaving Office, making William Henry Harrison the first President to die in the White House. It's now November 6th 1860, Abraham Lincoln defeats John C Breckenridge by 108 electoral votes where 152 votes were needed as there were only 303 electoral college members as opposed to the 538 we have today. It's now April 15 1865, Old Honest Abe has defeated the south fortifying the Union against it's domestic enemies, he's abolished slavery and modernized the US economy. Could he survive the curse of Tenskwatawah? One John Wilkes Booth entered into Lincoln's balcony at Ford's Theater, and when the crowd applauded he discharged his revolver into the back of Lincoln's head, afterwards the President soon died. November 2nd, 1880. James A Garfield is elected President. Four months after his inauguration President Garfield was at the Baltimore and Potomac railroad station in Washington DC meaning to attend his 26th college reunion. The President was shot in the back twice. Charles J Guiteau, a prominent American writer and lawyer immediately took the blame saying "I did it. I will go to jail for it. I am a Stalwart and Arthur will be President." Year 1899, Vice President Garet Hobart dies of heart disease and President McKinley replaces him with Theodore Roosevelt. Making Roosevelt America's youngest President at the time should his running mate perish. Six months after being inaugurated, President McKinley was attending the Pan American exposition in Buffalo New York, while shaking hands with attendees in the Temple of Music he was shot in the abdomen twice, 8 days later he died. Year 1920, Warren G Harding defeats James M Cox 404 to 127 a landslide victory. Three years into his term, he had medical complications in his cardiac plexus. Doctors had treated him with liquid caffeine and digitalis, he appeared to make a full recovery. Then, a few days later the curse finally took his life via a heart attack. Which was a great shock to the public. It's now year 1944, the Democrat candidate Franklin Delano Roosevelt wins his 4th term in a row, and to this day is the only US President to have served more than two terms. April 12, 1945, 13 years into FDR's Presidency, he perishes shortly after complaining about a headache. His Cardiologist diagnosed it as a massive introcerebral hemorrhage. An interesting little fact is that William H Harrison died 31 days after being inaugurated, 31 and 13 are the same number flipped. It's now 1960, John F Kennedy defeats Richard M Nixon by a very narrow margin. Three years after his election on 22nd November 1963 the President was riding through Dealey Plaza in Dallas Texas in an open top car. JFK was shot in the head twice, 30 minutes later Kennedy died. President Kennedy was the sixth President to perish under Tenskwatah's curse. But would he be the last? 1980, Incumbent Jimmy Carter loses by a landslide to actor Ronald Reagan. Two months into Reagan's term, after giving a speech at the Washington Hilton Hotel returning to his limousine. Reagan was shot in the chest. The President was rushed to George Washington University Hospital. The internal injuries nearly killed the President, it appeared as though the curse was taking hold. But doctors stabilized the President, and he managed to serve out his term. Becoming the first US President to survive under the terms of Tenskwatah's incantation. Nancy Reagan was aware of the curse of Tippecanoe, and believed in astrology and psychics. And consulted an Astrologer as many Roman Emperors, and Greek Kings had once done. Therefore it seems possible that by reverse causality the First Lady's actions may have affected the curse(as she's the first person close to a President scheduled to die who took the curse seriously), taking away it's lethality, but not having destroyed the evidence of it entirely. It's also possible that the curse had run out of juice so to speak, or some combination thereof. 2000, George W Bush loses the popular vote by approximately half a million. It becomes official that Al Gore won the Electoral College and Popular vote. Afterward, it was determined officially that Bush won the tipping state of Florida by a meager 537 votes, making him the 43rd President of the United states with 271 electoral votes. In 2004, Bush is reelected. A year later, Bush is giving a speech in Freedom Square, Tbilisi Georgia. When he spoke, a soviet made RGD 5 hand grenade wrapped in a red tartan handkerchief was hurled at the podium. The grenade landed a mere 61 feet from the President. The pin was pulled, it was live it should have gone off and eviscerated President Bush, as the effective firing range maximum is 65 feet, 4 more than the grenade needs to be lethal. But the grenade failed to detonate because the handkerchief remained wrapped around the grenade and held the striker lever back from releasing. Vladimir Artyunian, the man who threw the grenade was captured, and sentenced to life in prison with no possibility of parole. So George W. Bush becomes the second US President to survive the Tippecanoe curse, and the 8th victim of it at the same time, just not to the point of death. Which engenders a certain higher level of certainty in Nancy Reagan's efforts. And supports the notion of reverse causality(as she intervened after her husband was shot). I have not taken the liberty to calculate the possibility that these events may be coincidental. Because my intuition tells me that the results would render the possibility of coincidence laughably unlikely. So my judgement is that Tenskwatawah, killed 7 US Presidents, severely injured President Reagan nearly to death, and almost blew up President Bush all in one sentence. And likely contributed to the now highly favorable circumstance Indian reservations find themselves in current day America(they're permitted to make their own laws, and collect their taxes independent of the Federal Government on what should be US soil if we were any traditional conquering country). Furthermore, I hope these historical events make it obvious to you, that Tenskwatawah, the Presidents he killed, and all the other people closely involved, as well as the decision to grant Native Americans their own micro countries in the US, that Tenskwatawah is the same as those Presidents, as the policy makers, as even the events themselves which I'm describing. Otherwise, how could he so precisely control such things? Unless you believe however improbably that it's all a giant cascade of coincidences. Due to my curiosity, I'm going to leave a poll on the above issue. And now to conclude I'll offer how I personally explain Tenskwatawah's exploit. Through empowerment of the Vishuddhi Chakra, it's possible to acquire something called Vak Siddhi. Which is basically something like Omnipotence, that seems to first manifest itself in the ability to control future events by describing the desired outcome. Now, I don't believe Tenskwatawah was some kind of Yogi who practiced a Sadhana for his Vishuddhi since he was an Indian. It seems more likely to me that either he was born with it, or he acquired it later in life by some other means. The most likely possibility(if he wasn't born significantly more powerful than ordinary mortals) in my speculation, would be that he likely obtained his power through ritual use of Datura, as that seems to be the only way Shamans from that part of the world development Omnipotence. However, and I say this now with the utmost seriousness, DO NOT EVER DO DATURA. These men have a highly specialized way of doing it, and oftentimes they've developed psychic abilities through other means beforehand(like remote viewing for example). And they use these abilities to determine exactly when to plant, and harvest, and also the exact time of administration, as well as which parts of the plant are to be administered. The Datura spirit is notoriously petty, and if you don't access her realms in precisely the way she wants you to. She'll destroy you, as her agenda is to kill her acolytes before they can learn anything from her. If you consume her seeds blindly as many foolish westerners have done. You'll only render yourself a paranoid schizophrenic at best, and at worst you'll somehow die(probably through suicide).

i do think suicide is an option if somebody has exhausted all other options and is older especially if you're old and very sick (terminally ill for example) etc. that's why we have assisted suicide programs for old, sick people as a young-ish person it's not really an option imo a lot of times those feelings can pass, even if you think they can't maybe you have to change your environment city, country etc. a guys gf for example shot herself because she was very depressed etc. she was taking a lot of drugs too though, i'm pretty sure if she would have sobered up ( for a long time) and went to travel to other countries and so on, she would have felt differently eventually but personally i've thought about suicide since a very young age (like 8,9,10) but i haven't really thought about ways to do it but just as an option and also in some sick ways to get back at people who "hurt" me or whatever but that's a silly way of thinking

Everyone is purely selfish, it'd be selfish to try and not be selfish, and second I'm quite sure Leo/Sadghuru describes life as a mere speck like an ant (who cares if someone stomps on an ant, and if the ant dies does it care any longer about the Queen's survival? Of course not !) ... I'm quite sure spritual leaders describe life like a dream and when one dies then none of this truely matters because only the body cares about the mother's love or to have supportive friends or to devour delicous food or sex with attractive people AND when the body dies, you don't have a body, so these insecure qualities that come with being a human speck in the cosmos really has no value once the body DIES ... so your response is fear based and really it shares no value with the topic starter or anyone else like myself actually contemplating if suicide is a great solution to not merely ending suffering, no, but to purely return back home which has been craved for a great many years and a disgust at the world and how imperfect it looks under the gaze of a persistant ego over the said years of craving through life's tormenting ciscumstances in order to finally return home,

I don't believe this, I think you're sharing nonesense, plus my years of research easily calls out this to be bs, you're discussing karma and a sort of Christian eternity of suffering and damnations, a mixture of Eastern and Christian philosophies coupled with a fuel of fear and a dictator who will punish a soul for choosing suicide, not accurate, please think twice before making silly fear based comments,

Like a year ago I had decided to leave this forum or at least not spend so much time here and be elsewhere on a place meant for mentally sensitive people like me. It was a horror show there. The moderators there were ill-equipped to deal with the dangers of the internet. And as a result that place was infested with pedophile men and extremely dangerous men who would prey on weak and vulnerable, mentally sensitive women like me. Like there was a guy from America who tried to offer me help in terms of guidance for depression. He almost posed himself as a general helper and do-gooder. He directly messaged and told me that he is great at dealing with people who have anxiety etc. I was dealing with Joseph at the time and it was a tough relationship and I needed a shoulder to cry on whenever the abuse was too much to take. This guy took my number, I mean I gave him my personal number and I trusted him with it. Initially he was very kind. He was Many many years older than me, almost 25-30 years older to me. Almost my mom's age. I trusted and gave him my number in the hopes that he would be a good friend. As months went by, I would often talk to him whenever I needed mental or emotional support especially regarding my issues with Joseph. He would try to calm me down. Then suddenly one day, I saw his Facebook post and I was alarmed to see that the post was quite sexually deviant, something that a pedophile would write. I immediately reported that post. He sent me a lots of sexually obscene texts. I deleted his number and blocked him forever. This man had befriended me on a mental health website meant to help people like me who suffer PTSD, depression and anxiety, especially women who are vulnerable. So what was this man doing in such a place????!?? From the same place, I met a Ukrainian guy who approached me for help. This was a completely different experience and scenario than the first one. This guy pretended to be Suicidal and when he read my posts trying to comfort another suicidal person on the forum/website, he direct messaged me with his problems and told me how badly he needed someone to talk to. He appeared in distress from the way he wrote. He was a young recently divorced guy. So I thought to myself that I can really help him to feel better and talk him out of suicide. That's what I thought. I gave him my number and told me to contact me whenever he felt awful and needed someone to talk to. The next day he texted me and initially the conversation hinged on his divorce and financial situation. Then after a few minutes, I told him that I was busy and that I would come back in a few minutes. Later when I came back to offer him help, the conversation immediately changed to him saying all sorts of sexual rubbish to me. It was insane. I felt violated and disrespected. I blocked and deleted his number immediately. These two experiences taught me that the internet in general is a very disgusting place to be. It's not meant for vulnerable sensitive people who come for help and support.. It has a complex combination of people who are looking for social support and those who are prowlers who are on the prowl to look for vulnerable women for sexual reasons. It can be full of mentally ill psychos, sexual predators, abusers, pedos, sociopaths, bullies, men who are very frustrated and target women with their sexual frustration.

I am having escapist lucid dreams more and more lately basically after a month or so, unfortunately, I didn't write them in the journal, but the latest ones that I remember I plan to do. They basically boil down to stuff happening that is a wish-fulfillment in my dream of the stuff I failed on, was too afraid, indecisive, impatient, weak, selfish, or cowardly to do in the past and recent present which I had a deep longing towards or dreamt of in real life of fulfilling in my future to sort of achieving which I failed on being a possibility anywhere soon or at all in my life. Though a recent example not having anything to do with wish-fulfillment from a couple of days ago (three days ago I think in fact) was a dream of being scanned for my fingerprints and blood flow to my fingers by a mini floating UFO of a flying disk shape with a red tractor beam (at least what It seemed like it was doing) and floating around my head while I was lying down in my bed where I sleep in this apartment somewhere at very early morning time with the sun barely coming out. I dreamt of myself basically being in a half-awake groggy state and barely being able to move or recognize it and being too tired or weak to do anything about it. Also in that dream earlier, I dreamt of being aware of family members entering my room while I am lying down sleeping in my bed also in the morning time and talking to something to me while I am too groggy or tired to respond or do anything about it but I only aware of them being there faintly through my senses and then suddenly during that same time in the morning (be it 5 or 6 AM) I have the desire to move and respond to them but just as I move in my dream in my bed I wake up I realize I am still in that bed but there is no one in the room and there is dead silence in the morning and I am lying there now awake trying to grasp and come to my senses was I just dreaming that what I just perceived happening in my room a moment ago in the early morning time while I was in the same position in my bed as half-asleep and being faintly aware of it all happening and trying to slowly come in to grasp and discern up until what point was I dreaming of being at bed sleeping in the early morning and being aware of all that happening in the background in my room and at what point did I wake up in the same position that I was in during the dream in my bed it would appear roughly at the same time in the morning. This difficulty to discern what was the dream and what was me being awake in the morning came up roughly at the same time during the morning when I would wake up in shock and would later go back to sleep. Note: I didn't watch or have read any UFO-related or alien stuff in a long time and was skeptical for a long time and during the supposed Pentagon release of footage and confirmation of the existence of UFOs about almost a year ago and considered them just to be cover of the flight of secret experimental US Airforce planes and technology since the sights would usually happen in America and few other places in the world as far I followed it when I was briefly interested in it a while ago as a teen. The wish-fulffilment lucid dreams were either a product of a wish being fulfilled or an unlikely scenario playing out of which I had deep longing towards happening and me realizing in the past especially during my time in high school and of being a product of my imaging of interacting with some people or being a real-life witness of their interactions happening that I know from watching online on YouTube for some time or that are known as online celebrities mostly in the English speaking domain of the Internet. For example, I faintly remember of dreaming being in a cafe as a customer or something of a sort and watching the interaction in real-time of Jordan Peterson and some other figure which seemed to resemble the online YouTuber Vaush from his ponytail appearance (though I have watched neither of them for a long time, almost a year on YouTube just saw their faces and pictures from time to time on Twitter or recommendations for their videos on YouTube), they then briefly went to finish their conversation on the second floor of that cafe and then suddenly I found myself on the street in some rural area that seemed like somewhere in my country Serbia and I felt lost there and started looking for directions to get back where my apartment is in Belgrade and started asking people around, I asked an old grandad (who In facial appearance resembled almost my own grandfather who passed a year ago now) he pointed me in the direction towards the station there and then I encountered Peterson and asked him for some reason as if he knows which bus line in this rural place looking place should I take that goes to Belgrade and for him to point to me on the map where does it drop me off in Belgrade where it is nearest and closest from my apartment and taking another city line from there and then right when he was showing to me where my bus line will end and on which station of that bus line should I exit in Belgrade I woke up. Weird dream. The wish-fulfillment lucid dream that I had today had to do with me being in an open place almost an ancient greek amphitheater of some sort in the woods all covered in vine and mostly overgrown by nature with familiar but facially indistinguishable faces sitting there ( it is as if I knew all the people sitting there intuitively from my encounters with them in real life but couldn't really see their faces or name exactly each of them who they have just had a familiarity of their presence) and then from the back of my eye noticed and caught a glimpse of a very familiar face in the backdrop of that overgrown natural amphitheater and other ancient building space that looked exactly like the face from the pictures of the 19th and 20th-century French sociologist Emile Durkheim that was walking away and I started running towards him and people sitting in the naturally overgrown amphitheater spaced asked me: ''Where are you going!? What are you running towards!?", and I replied to them laconically filled with pride in myself and joy (even though it is very likely now in my depressing and existential and purpose crisis because of this real life that I won't be able to graduate and become a certified sociologist at all, given how many exams I have leftover from previous years and how I am currently feeling mentally strong in my intellectual capabilities to do so from developing 'brain rot' and lack of willpower due to a chronic addiction to entertainment, procrastination, and porn on the Internet during the past year especially and before that vastly diminished my chances of accomplishing this in the remaining years left of my studying and receiving a family pension from the state while being a full-time student),: ''Well, I am a sociologist myself. It is my duty to get an autograph from a man and sociologist such as Durkheim who works I was exposed to in high school (especially on Suicide given my family history) got me interested and fascinated to want to study sociology in faculty and become a sociologist in the first place!''. Then in my dream, I consciously ran towards the figure that was walking back on the road behind the amphitheater surrounded by a crowd of adoring fans that I thought looked and resembled the famous sociologist and when I came up to that figure it turned out it was a woman wearing glasses surrounded by a crowd following here that resembled him slightly in facial appearance and appeared to be a female writer of some sort, I apologized to her for running up to her impromptu and kind of disappointedly gave up on my autograph. Then the next thing I know I was standing on large blocks of stone on the wall of some seemingly old fortress from medieval times that resembled slightly the Kalemegdan fortress in Belgrade and my highschool girl crush and then thought possible and potential future soulmate that was put there for me in life I then had a feeling of and thought of her as that (she in some facial aspects and personality-wise even resembled Leo (I can't post here picture here I feel like it would be a against her right to privacy on an unknown forum and privacy rule here in general), like a younger female version of Leo in Serbia, which I found later kinda weird since when I watched Leo on YouTube I would be slightly reminded of her because of the similarities of his and her facial appearance ), and I knew here and went with here in highschool up until 2017 even before I found Leo's channel and then after I left high school and was in faculty still had a deep crush on her for some time, and this was before I found Leo website and channel on YouTube back in 2017 and slightly later when I just started watching his videos on his channel back in the summer of 2017) I went together in high-school with appeared together with a guy friend of hers in high school who was also an almost all As an excellent student like her (she rolled in a different faculty than me in the University of Belgrade and I have also found out recently that she had graduated in law school recently and became a certified lawyer just in the basic studies graduation term for studying for for 4 yeasr) in high school also appeared and approached me and started talking to me. I had a conversation with her in my dream that felt as it was very intimate, like with a very close girl friend that I knew for some time (in contrast to very brief interactions I would have with her in highschool and my mostly platonic love for her during that time in my life), and then she suddenly out of the blue told me that I don't have to go or rush anywhere since we will be all staying here (including her best straight As highschool guy friend) and sleeping over together tonight (In some supposed tour house I guess for all of was to sleep in and stay the night from highschool) and then I suddenly very casually in her way directed a very very lascivious joke regarding opportunities and possibilities for me and her in that sleeping together arrangement (spontaneous horny dreams what out me forcing them what can I do...) (that would probably have been too outrageous to say to her in real life given our degree of closeness and friendship then and especially now when I am out of touch with her for four years and have only seen her last time when I invited her to my grandfathers funereal last year) and then backtracked with another joke disputing the meaning of what i meant that made her and her best guy friend from highschool laugh in the dream. She then started walking on the edge of the wall of those stone blocks on the fortress as if playing with the height and chasm below with her best guy friend from high school and I followed them both expecting to interact with them more and the dream ends there and I woke up. The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret, of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester. Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently wrote and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.

I am having escapist lucid dreams more and more lately basically after a month or so, unfortunately, I didn't write them in the journal, but the latest ones that I remember I plan to do. They basically boil down to stuff happening that is a wish-fulfillment in my dream of the stuff I failed on, was too afraid, indecisive, impatient, weak, selfish, or cowardly to do in the past and recent present which I had a deep longing towards or dreamt of in real life of fulfilling in my future to sort of achieving which I failed on being a possibility anywhere soon or at all in my life. Though a recent example not having anything to do with wish-fulfillment from a couple of days ago (three days ago I think in fact) was a dream of being scanned for my fingerprints and blood flow to my fingers by a mini floating UFO of a flying disk shape with a red tractor beam (at least what It seemed like it was doing) and floating around my head while I was lying down in my bed where I sleep in this apartment somewhere at very early morning time with the sun barely coming out. I dreamt of myself basically being in a half-awake groggy state and barely being able to move or recognize it and being too tired or weak to do anything about it. Also in that dream earlier, I dreamt of being aware of family members entering my room while I am lying down sleeping in my bed also in the morning time and talking to something to me while I am too groggy or tired to respond or do anything about it but I only aware of them being there faintly through my senses and then suddenly during that same time in the morning (be it 5 or 6 AM) I have the desire to move and respond to them but just as I move in my dream in my bed I wake up I realize I am still in that bed but there is no one in the room and there is dead silence in the morning and I am lying there now awake trying to grasp and come to my senses was I just dreaming that what I just perceived happening in my room a moment ago in the early morning time while I was in the same position in my bed as half-asleep and being faintly aware of it all happening and trying to slowly come in to grasp and discern up until what point was I dreaming of being at bed sleeping in the early morning and being aware of all that happening in the background in my room and at what point did I wake up in the same position that I was in during the dream in my bed it would appear roughly at the same time in the morning. This difficulty to discern what was the dream and what was me being awake in the morning came up roughly at the same time during the morning when I would wake up in shock and would later go back to sleep. Note: I didn't watch or have read any UFO-related or alien stuff in a long time and was skeptical for a long time and during the supposed Pentagon release of footage and confirmation of the existence of UFOs about almost a year ago and considered them just to be cover of the flight of secret experimental US Airforce planes and technology since the sights would usually happen in America and few other places in the world as far I followed it when I was briefly interested in it a while ago as a teen. The wish-fulffilment lucid dreams were either a product of a wish being fulfilled or an unlikely scenario playing out of which I had deep longing towards happening and me realizing in the past especially during my time in high school and of being a product of my imaging of interacting with some people or being a real-life witness of their interactions happening that I know from watching online on YouTube for some time or that are known as online celebrities mostly in the English speaking domain of the Internet. For example, I faintly remember of dreaming being in a cafe as a customer or something of a sort and watching the interaction in real-time of Jordan Peterson and some other figure which seemed to resemble the online YouTuber Vaush from his ponytail appearance (though I have watched neither of them for a long time, almost a year on YouTube just saw their faces and pictures from time to time on Twitter or recommendations for their videos on YouTube), they then briefly went to finish their conversation on the second floor of that cafe and then suddenly I found myself on the street in some rural area that seemed like somewhere in my country Serbia and I felt lost there and started looking for directions to get back where my apartment is in Belgrade and started asking people around, I asked an old grandad (who In facial appearance resembled almost my own grandfather who passed a year ago now) he pointed me in the direction towards the station there and then I encountered Peterson and asked him for some reason as if he knows which bus line in this rural place looking place should I take that goes to Belgrade and for him to point to me on the map where does it drop me off in Belgrade where it is nearest and closest from my apartment and taking another city line from there and then right when he was showing to me where my bus line will end and on which station of that bus line should I exit in Belgrade I woke up. Weird dream. The wish-fulfillment lucid dream that I had today had to do with me being in an open place almost an ancient greek amphitheater of some sort in the woods all covered in vine and mostly overgrown by nature with familiar but facially indistinguishable faces sitting there ( it is as if I knew all the people sitting there intuitively from my encounters with them in real life but couldn't really see their faces or name exactly each of them who they have just had a familiarity of their presence) and then from the back of my eye noticed and caught a glimpse of a very familiar face in the backdrop of that overgrown natural amphitheater and other ancient building space that looked exactly like the face from the pictures of the 19th and 20th-century French sociologist Emile Durkheim that was walking away and I started running towards him and people sitting in the naturally overgrown amphitheater spaced asked me: ''Where are you going!? What are you running towards!?", and I replied to them laconically filled with pride in myself and joy (even though it is very likely now in my depressing and existential and purpose crisis because of this real life that I won't be able to graduate and become a certified sociologist at all, given how many exams I have leftover from previous years and how I am currently feeling mentally strong in my intellectual capabilities to do so from developing 'brain rot' and lack of willpower due to a chronic addiction to entertainment, procrastination, and porn on the Internet during the past year especially and before that vastly diminished my chances of accomplishing this in the remaining years left of my studying and receiving a family pension from the state while being a full-time student),: ''Well, I am a sociologist myself. It is my duty to get an autograph from a man and sociologist such as Durkheim who works I was exposed to in high school (especially on Suicide given my family history) got me interested and fascinated to want to study sociology in faculty and become a sociologist in the first place!''. Then in my dream, I consciously ran towards the figure that was walking back on the road behind the amphitheater surrounded by a crowd of adoring fans that I thought looked and resembled the famous sociologist and when I came up to that figure it turned out it was a woman wearing glasses surrounded by a crowd following here that resembled him slightly in facial appearance and appeared to be a female writer of some sort, I apologized to her for running up to her impromptu and kind of disappointedly gave up on my autograph. Then the next thing I know I was standing on large blocks of stone on the wall of some seemingly old fortress from medieval times that resembled slightly the Kalemegdan fortress in Belgrade and my highschool girl crush and then thought possible and potential future soulmate that was put there for me in life I then had a feeling of and thought of her as that (she in some facial aspects and personality-wise even resembled Leo (I can't post here picture here I feel like it would be a against her right to privacy on an unknown forum and privacy rule here in general), like a younger female version of Leo in Serbia, which I found later kinda weird since when I watched Leo on YouTube I would be slightly reminded of her because of the similarities of his and her facial appearance ), and I knew here and went with here in highschool up until 2017 even before I found Leo's channel and then after I left high school and was in faculty still had a deep crush on her for some time, and this was before I found Leo website and channel on YouTube back in 2017 and slightly later when I just started watching his videos on his channel back in the summer of 2017) I went together in high-school with appeared together with a guy friend of hers in high school who was also an almost all As an excellent student like her (she rolled in a different faculty than me in the University of Belgrade and I have also found out recently that she had graduated in law school recently and became a certified lawyer just in the basic studies graduation term for studying for for 4 yeasr) in high school also appeared and approached me and started talking to me. I had a conversation with her in my dream that felt as it was very intimate, like with a very close girl friend that I knew for some time (in contrast to very brief interactions I would have with her in highschool and my mostly platonic love for her during that time in my life), and then she suddenly out of the blue told me that I don't have to go or rush anywhere since we will be all staying here (including her best straight As highschool guy friend) and sleeping over together tonight (In some supposed tour house I guess for all of was to sleep in and stay the night from highschool) and then I suddenly very casually in her way directed a very very lascivious joke regarding opportunities and possibilities for me and her in that sleeping together arrangement (spontaneous horny dreams what out me forcing them what can I do...) (that would probably have been too outrageous to say to her in real life given our degree of closeness and friendship then and especially now when I am out of touch with her for four years and have only seen her last time when I invited her to my grandfathers funereal last year) and then backtracked with another joke disputing the meaning of what i meant that made her and her best guy friend from highschool laugh in the dream. She then started walking on the edge of the wall of those stone blocks on the fortress as if playing with the height and chasm below with her best guy friend from high school and I followed them both expecting to interact with them more and the dream ends there and I woke up. The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret, of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester. Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently wrote and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.

U can have sidhis.i know many usthad in islam who have sidhis.one guy was spotted in 2 different place at same time in the 50s . .i have personaly suffered a lot from black magic all my life.agoris in india can make a dead body walk.i know astrologers in islam and hinduism who can predict future and they predicted my future with 99% accuracy.my grandfather predicted something 40 years into future and he was an islamic scholar.i am not bullshiting i am above orange and i have exhausted rationality.if u do not believe what i said then u have no direct experience of it.also u fall prey to western media brainwashing.sidhis and other good stuff orginated in region between egypt and japan.so westerners will be against it as it is something that do not exist in roman civilisation but getting sidhis via drugs as leo say is something unheard of.also sidhis are the end point or come as a result of 30,40 years of work in spirituality or relegion.becoming obsessed about getting sidhi as a beginner will result in delusional thinking that will get u killed.a forum member fall into this type of delusion and commited suicide . Also patanjali was against sidhis and warned that it is a distraction.u can have sidhi and be not fullfilled.but u do not have sidhi but have enlightment and u r very fullfilled.chase enlightment not sidhi.

At one level but at another level someone can punish themselves, which is what I believe the poster means to talk about. I know for a fact that this validation is a reason some people have for self-harm, so yes. Of course self-harm isn't desired and if there are good alternatives people choose those. In some cases it is reasonable, because sometimes it's the alternative to suicide or going insane.

Today for the first time in months I spoke to my brother. It felt a sense of relief. We talked for full 1 hour. It was his friends birthday. They were going out. I'm so proud of him. He has achieved so much in life Although two months back he told me to commit suicide and that made me very upset and I stopped talking to him. He was being pressured by my mom. So he gave into that pressure and told me to kill myself. It was incredibly rude and awful. But after many days he has felt like talking to me. He is my only sibling.

Suicide is a survival mechanism.

If i commit suicide then it would be like god imagined a way to return to him. I want to die before i die how can i do that ?

Hey guys i want creative ways to commit suicide i have a few ideas in my head i think the least painful is taking al lot of sleeping bills and go to bed. Any other easy way. No bleeding recommended