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? Taking a look at his posts, this seems to me once again the same conceptual jungle and emotional suppression that is widespread in this community. Is it just me, or are you too seeing more people committing suicide than waking up on this forum?

I’m a 22-year-old female who has had a friendship/relationship with my ex-boyfriend’s cousin for the past two years. My ex was extremely abusive emotionally and sexually exploited me, and caused extremely toxic relationship traits such as lying, threatening suicide, cheating, and coercing me into exploitative situations when I was 18-20. I sparked a friendship with his cousin who helped me out of that situation. I left the abusive situation, and started a loving friendship with his cousin. I was in a vulnerable place, and enjoyed all the positive attention, but as the months went on I started self-sabotaging our friendship because it was too good. I felt I didn’t deserve it. This sparked fights, which he told me he would not stick around for, as he’s dealt with fighting his whole life. Two years in, fighting has become a regular, daily occurrence because of me. I use him as a way to beat myself up emotionally. He tells me he can’t talk to me, I’m emotionally abusive, and he feels alienated and suicidal because of me. This makes me react emotionally, and causes my cycle of self-abuse to reignite, and my longings for suicide to reveal itself. I cannot live with myself knowing I made another person feel like that. But I use it to make my self-misery even worse. He has been nothing but supportive and helpful in trying to help me with these issues for two years. I’ve sought therapy, read books, had good streaks of no fighting here and there. But I haven’t changed. If anything, I’ve gotten worse - and my threshold for misery and choosing misery increased because of my cycle of: obsessing over negative traits about myself, seeking validation in the form of arguments/crying to my friend, and using that fight as more fuel to ignite my self-hatred and extreme attachment to my self-image and how I affect others. So, the more fights and pain I’ve caused, the more fuel I have to hate myself. When we started being friends, I was in a really vulnerable spot as I’d just come out from emotional abuse, I’ve always had incredibly low self-esteem, and he was giving me an intense emotional bond that completely ripped the fabric of who my ex thought I was (worthless, etc.) But as his intense attention to me faded with time, I started getting in my head about him hating me and realizing I’m not what he said I was, thus beginning a self-fulfilling prophecy. He’s at the end of his rope, and I don’t blame him. I’m disgusted with the behavior I’ve chosen, and the misery over all the fights I’ve caused makes me suicidal and compounds the misery cycle even more. He’s told me I make him want to die, that I’m a burden and abuse people to fulfill my own prophecy of self-hatred, and he’s right. He draws parallels to me and my abusive ex (his cousin), and his other abusive ex’s and family members. He keeps telling me if I just stop, I can fix it, and he’ll forget about my past behavior. I am too attached, however, to the dread and misery I feel over my past mistakes. Every day I tell myself “it could’ve been 2 years of happiness instead, you chose this”, and the guilt and regret of that causes me to spiral into self-hate and causes fights later between my friend and I because of me being obviously upset and withdrawn. I honestly do not know how to live with myself, or continue the privilege of calling myself that persons friend when I am nothing but an abuser. It makes me not want to live anymore, and I think that is me trying to escape accepting that I have been abusive. I know I caused all of this. I’m so incredibly disgusted and upset with doing this self-fulfilling prophecy that I’ve actually provided solid reason for myself and others to hate me. After being abused for two years, I know exactly what he’s going through, and it makes me sick to my stomach I’ve turned into this person who abuses others. This past weekend was especially awful, and I put him in situations that could’ve gotten him fired from work because I looked as if I had been crying, after we argued and he told me he wants to block me and never see me again out of anger, and forcing me to admit I’m selfish and don’t care about anyone because of how I treat him, calling me countless names and cussing, all to which I understand. This caused me to spiral and cry uncontrollably. I know I’m abusive. I’m posting this as a way that I can hopefully admit it to myself and accept it. But I’m so fearful over the pain and scars I’ve caused in our relationship, and I’ve made it so much harder on myself to recover and move on from being miserable after the behavior I displayed this weekend. I want to move on and do better, but I can’t let go of the pain of being seen as as an abuser. I don’t want him to see me that way, I want him to feel emotionally safe with me, and I worry I ruined that for good, even though he constantly says (and keeps saying), if I offer a sincere apology in the form of changed behavior, he’ll forget about the past. On another note however, he tells me relationships are like photos, and if you tear and crumble them, you can never fully get the creases out. I worry I can never repair the pain I caused. I’m obsessing over my regret and I don’t know how to accept the creases and move on. My self-hatred makes me want to lay in bed and never wake up again. This person was so good to me and I have brought nothing but turmoil into their lives. I feel weak and cowardly. I am seeking any advice for how to move on from this attachment to misery so as to not hurt him anymore, especially since I’ve given myself countless reasons to be miserable and feel awful about myself. Thank you for reading.

November 28,2021 Second person who commits suicide here. Rip buddy

It's January 5 I ate garlic curry yesterday with soy sauce and I absolutely do not like it's taste in my mouth. My mom passed on this infection to me. I'm really angry at her for not wearing the mask. I have been suffering from the last 10 days now and there is little improvement. I told her that I needed to eat berries to feel better. And she refused I'm not even allowed to buy anything from my own money(for my own health) or else she gets furious. I'm fed up of her control. I also don't feel like participating in the forum after another suicide has rocked this place... I mean this post makes a lot of sense. What is happening in this place. I feel panicked.

It's not a good thing, but it also shouldn't be shocking. Any place where people are seeking serious help and answers to extremely difficult personal problems, some of those people will up grappling with suicide.

I guess my problem with these sorts of things is that my soul is so utterly anhedonic, nothing in the bible touches my heart. It's just like reading this long cryptic text I have no real interest in. I have one friend who swears that Jesus prevented his suicide, though.

It's important to embrace reality. Suicide does not lead to truth. A lot of users confuse Mahasamadhi and the concepts of infinite consciousness with death and try to bypass life to get to it. That's an error. His posts remind me of Soonhei. RIP waveintheocean.

I really wish people would be careful while trying to find the 'Truth', especially when psychedelics are involved. Because your insights can be completely misinterpreted which can slowly send you in a downward spiral toward depression and suicide. You can go on train of thought which goes only one direction, which is down. It's important to stay grounded in reality. Make sure your insights actually have some kind of basis and fundament to it. Take baby steps, don't try to aim for full enlightenment immediately. It's like when people just learn to drive they immediately want to drive a sportscar with 2000horsepower and test its limits, while on drugs. The chances if you getting hurt are extremely high. Cross-check your insights with other experienced and grounded people. And if you feel you are on a downward trajectory, seek real help.

1/4/2022 I tried to meditate for a half-hour and twenty minutes afterward with differing success in the ability to stay focused away from my thoughts, internal images, and feelings and on the direct experience of reality at the time. ''I resurfaced a close memory from about two days ago with having a long talk and walk with one of my close friends now about various social, cultural and political topics in the country that we both live in and our differing views on them, and during the course of that talk and walk I could distinctively feel the stink eyes, the contempt, prejudices, and biases at moments that my friend forwarded towards me as a person, the known history that I shared with him and with my views, viewing me in not such a good a light as a person and my views that I have towards various social and cultural topics here, I can only judge by this unpleasant experience that I had with him that the more you know about someone, his history, who and what he is and how he became to be as he is, if you are at differing stages of consciousness, the more likely is that they come to hate, not like you, have prejudices, biases, and hatred towards you. I can judge and guess with in regards to how long I know my friend and his views as to him being a solid middle or upper stage Blue consciousness level type with a not yet fully digested Red shadow due to the way I noticed his surfaced emotions of anger and contempt in his facial expressions and physical edginess and restlessness in his body movements and of course of how that amounts to regarding his views and feelings towards the society and the world that he lives in is an absolutist in the moral sense, heavy-handed Christian conservative, reactionary and uncomfortable, in reaction, backlash, denial , and reversal mode against of up until now established and some current trends and paths of development in modern societies, especially societies undergoing again that process of modernization like some of the Balkan countries, and a wish and desire on his part to stop them, reverse most of them up until now and those yet to come and return back and start rebuilding towards some romanticized and idealized version of the past - an ultra version of conservatism here in his case. Of course, I also had some undigested anger and contempt towards my friend with the way interpreted some of his comments and remarks regarding me and some quickly drawn stereotypes and insensitive, mean jokes regarding my family members that I again felt were directed towards me as a way of mocking me with no clear empathatic feeling I felt coming from him and emotional intelligence that comes with his stage of development consciousness wise and showing contempt to me from a superiority complex position in regards to his own academic success, beliefs, habit patterns, and work methods and ethics that led to it and my own bogging down, underperformance and underachievement in contrast to his in regards to my studies of sociology and where I currently am at with them and I felt that on his part as a way of mocking me that my indepedntly formed beliefs that I am trying to independently hold as a person as I see them as authentically and spontaneously formed in regards that they came out of my own most deeply felt emotions and thoughts not influenced by external pressures or demands to conform to the rest of societies expectations of me in regards to experience own views on my own life, society that I live in and reality and life as a whole that they are the ones that led me to this path and state that I am currently at in and point in life. That's why I am heavily considering and weighing in my own mind that even if this friend is my next-door neighbor and friend since childhood and one of the persons in the last few years that I hung out with the most with, that I can't expect to have a good, pleasant long time chatting with him anymore due to his personal flaws due to his consciousness stage level and beliefs and that I have slowly but surely find new close friends which I can see more eye to eye to on most topics, and that of this friendship to be truly trustworthy, close and flourish can't be the case because of the differences of consciousness level and stages and values and worldviews that go with them, and so thus feel a need to scale it down a bit and lower and lessen the degree of seeing my friend even though we are close and nearby to each other and to keep in touch and contact with him but lessen the degrees when and how often do I see him and hang out with him and go in an active, slow but steady search in finding new friends. The thing that I resurfaced and was most revelatory for me regarding him as a person and his feelings and thoughts towards me and emotional intelligence and level of care, worry, concern, and empathy for me and his view of me as a person and what I am worth, level of the value that I have and meaning to him as a relatively close, long acquaintance and friend was when I hadn't been in contact with anyone two months ago, he assumed, after a couple of days and weeks, because of the prior hard emotional states that I had shared with him that I had, that I had committed suicide and sort of gave up on messaging me, calling me, asking anyone from my family and friends or sending me or them messages of where I am or am I alright or is everything fine with me since I am not answering my phone or responding to messages for two weeks approx. and waited on the news, that the only use he saw in me was to go outside with me and get out of the house to have someone to talk to in order not to stay locked in the home where he was bored and annoyed. And several people reacted in a way I didn't expect them to and some, in turn, felt offended and thought in turn that I deliberately ignored them or trolled them by not responding to their messages and calls and have cut off contact with me and don't want me to be friends with them anymore. But this story and event entry I will leave for the next or another journal entry.''

Dam RIP. I wonder is this an attempt to bypass the suffering of being a human and going straight to the truth? During suicidal times of my life I wondered why shouldn't I just commit suicide and go straight to the truth and then simply restart the game and bypass this unnecessary suffering and torment. This reminds of @SoonHei. On the surface he seemed to be a happy and integrated guy, but I wonder why both of them felt the desire/need to commit suicide. Maybe this is mahasamadhi, a conscious choice to leave the body? One thing I can say from experience is the desire to help other people and share spiritual insights etc may be rooted in a desire to transcend one's own suffering. So they try their best to help others with the hope that they may in turn help themselves. I think he thought death was the path to bliss. It's tough because I also believe this, but I know you can experience divine bliss and peace without death so I don't feel an argue to off myself, but maybe if you haven't experienced that you would see that as a viable option?

It's only as much effort as you decide put in. Just because you are dating actively doesn't mean you are obligated to kiss/have sex with them all. I was juggling about 5-7 girls within a month last year, but I only committed emotionally and physically to the one I found was the best match. I respectfully cut ties with everyone else at that point, or they did with me. It teaches you to be detached and think more clearly and objectively about if someone is a healthy match for you, instead of having it as your only option so by default you might behave needy. Leo answered it well also. Basically you want to have options or a bunch of experience and history to build yourself so you have a healthy level of detachment. Just don't be a sociopath that is just looking to lie to use them as walking fleshlights, have the balls to be honest about your intentions. Think about teenagers/young people. Their relationships are almost always very cringe and filled with massive blind spots and attachment issues, because they are needy and don't have that reference for what is healthy or what kind of person they are meant to be with. This is exactly why when those relationships crash and burn they are more prone to having dramatic reactions, like some guy crashing into a tree because he was drunk driving, or the girl threatening suicide because she wasn't "the one". Of course adults can react in stupid ways too, but it doesn't have quite the same "flare".

1/2/2022 9:04 - Meditated/contemplated for twenty minutes at least ''Would get sudden images of wanting to blow my brains out or a bullet going through my skull and brain in order to ease the rushing thoughts of hopelessness, pain, and despair that I felt and thought of who the f#ck am I even, why I am I here, what the h#ll is the point of my existence and my purpose here in this life as I am, where I am, where I am at and of my experiences up until this point? I couldn't control them they just came in like a high-speed railway train. I also remembered and had to experientially relive in my head a past forgotten traumatic and suppressed experience at an excursion in high school where I got drunk in the company of some peers from high school class on a bitter liqueur alcoholic drink called pelinkovac with the brand Gorki List resembling in taste and alcoholic volume the German Jagermeister and afterward the only recollection I had was that I went alone to my school rented motel room in Prague where we stayed, which I shared with two other peers from class, and feel asleep drunk, and groggy and later when I woke up I found out that I have vomited all over the motel room hallway during the night that the other students from different classes had to lead me to my room and clean up after me and that I was left alone in my room and that I have vomited during the night in my sleep, luckily my head and my body was turned on the side so luckily I vomited on my pillow and did choke and swallow my vomit unconsciously during the night and suffocate on my puke. Later when one of my then motel room peer occupants noticed this when we woke up the next morning, he laughed at me and joked and I kinda went with it at my expense but now later did I realize that I could have easily perhaps died in my sleep due to alcoholic overdose and choking on my puke that nobody from my class or room occupants batted an eye or cared only when I woke up did they notice and I there left alone in that room could have easily died in my sleep right then and there at 18 if I didn't luckily or unconsciously fall asleep lying sideways which I usually never did then, I would mostly fall asleep on my stomach. So yeah that was my traumatic experience which I resurfaced now, it felt like at that moment since I felt lonely and ostracized in my class with not a lot f people who I hung out with or made friends with and not having any girlfriend at that time that I had an unconscious suicidal death wish at that field trip, how it went and how I suffered through it mostly alone, lonely and isolated and that I had this unconscious self-hating or inferiority complex desire to overdose my self with alcohol to numb out that over encompassing feeling that it felt it shaped my whole experience of life and reality there like I was in some sort of hell and that I wanted to then unconsciously kill myself than with an alcoholic overdose - I later posited that feeling might have steemed from my undigested feelings towards my mother's post-birth depression, depression and her passing away by suicide when I was 7 and then that identify with me inheriting that same feeling and perception of my experiences in life and that it was like I curse I bore from inheriting it from here or part of here getting reincarnated in me as a second life in order to bear out the punishment for her suicide at the time - those were thoughts and feelings that I felt at the time and still do have as some sort of unadmitted idiosyncratic belief system in looking at the world and interpretitng my experince in it and my experiencing and perception of them at times''

I sold out my own power; why? Because I was too attached again. And is it even power I'm talking about? Probably not. It just means not being a lie. The bullshit I sold my soul too, my god. I really did abandon or forget my own power. I can only be what I am, and that means going at it hard, being mean and going forward. This release feels in alignment with order. I may or may not commit suicide, I may or may not end up being some mean anti-authoritarian fellow, I've just pretended otherwise the entire time. Put all the mythological shit aside, this is who you are, your true self to somewhat say. Except there is no "true self", only a hodge podge of layers upon layers. I can be honest and say, I don't really care about anyone or feel connected to them in the way they think I do. I don't feel connected to my sister, mother, father or brother in that way. I could press a button to end them all. But see, there's that seed born out of independence and rebellion. Nope not even that, it's just your nature. Rebellion is just what happens if you're blocked, if you're aren't blocked it wouldn't be about rebellion, it would be about freedom. But can freedom be understood by someone who isn't a slave? Your life has been about the slave trying to desperately wrangle himself free. There's nothing to become free of though. It's absurdity piled on top of absurdity, vacuousness piled on top of vacuousness. Your reality has been a mythologised projection your entire life, but you've more recently lost your power. You forgot that you really have the capacity to go through with whatever you decide to do. So, throw it all away, no one can hurt you, nobody can tear you. Guilt.

Yeah it’s true, apparently he committed suicide

Take the play of Romeo and Juliet. Is it ultimately true that their love for each other caused them to kill themselves? Obviously not. Why not? Well, because it's just a play. If anything caused that to happen, it was (for example) the money being paid by guests (or just something going on in real life) which in turn caused actors to pretend to be characters which then kill themselves in the play (story) -- but to make the forthcoming analogy more accurate, let's say there is only the play... meaning of course that nothing caused their deaths because the only cause was the money; preparation; real life and we've just established there is no real life in this example simply because there is only the play. Okay? Alright then: Their love is not really a cause of their suicide -- but it is a cause in the play (story) only. In the same way, getting hit in the head is not really a cause of the mind getting "weirded up" -- but it is a cause in the story only. Though there isn't something other than the appearance of the story -- no hidden process "making it all work" -- the story still has no actuality. Causality is only apparent, not actual -- everything is only apparent, not actual. The infinite has no needs -- such as the requirement of actuality.

why does no one ever talk about this? It comes a point when you deepen the enlightenment so much it becomes hard to function. maybe i am some genetic freak? I started self inquiry 5 months ago. First started getting glimpses 1 month in. Then just cruising in the glimpse 2 months in. But it keeps getting deeper and deeper and deeper. It gets deep to such a point even the desire to speak itself fades. The desire to do a lot of things simply fade!!! This is social suicide. This is i think the 3rd time it happened. the last month or so i kept oscilating between "too much" consiousness and coming back down. I could not believe it possibly could be because of the consciousness work simply because no one ever speaks about it. "You can never have too much oneness" is the general premise. Why isnt this being talked about more?? What am i even experiencing??

In the knowledge of the Atman, which is the dark night to the ignorant, the recollected mind is fully awake and aware. The ignorant are awake in their sense-life, which is darkness to the sage. Bhagavad Gita ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You are dreaming that you are unenlightened. You are dreaming that you are awake. The question is: Why? The answer is: Why not? paradox is normal in the sleep state “The ‘I’ casts off the illusion of ‘I’ and yet remains as ‘I’. Such is the paradox of Self-realization. The realized do not see any contradiction in it.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "All paradox lies with the unawakened state. The awakened don’t have something that the unawakened are missing, it’s the other way around. The unawakened possess massive structures of false belief. They create and maintain these vast realms of past, present and future;" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The price of truth is everything. The price of truth is nothing. This is another way of stating the gateless gate paradox. From the unawakened side, the gate blocking one from enlightenment is enormous and impassable. Delusion fills one’s entire field of view because it resides prior to perception. Once delusion has been destroyed, we see that it never really existed." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Die while you’re alive and be absolutely dead. Then do whatever you want: it’s all good. Bunan ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The great path has no gates, thousands of roads enter it. When you pass through this gateless gate you walk the universe alone. Mumon ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Because of an innocent misunderstanding you think that you are a human being in the relative world seeking the experience of oneness, but actually you are the One expressing itself as the experience of being a human being.” ? Adyashanti ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I ask you only to stop imagining that you were born, have parents, are a body, will die and so on. Just try, make a beginning – it is not as hard as you think. Nisargadatta Maharaj ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If the eye never sleeps, all dreams will naturally cease. If the mind makes no discriminations, the ten thousand things are as they are, of single essence. To understand the mystery of this One-essence is to be released from all entanglements. When all things are seen equally the timeless Self-essence is reached. No comparisons or analogies are possible in this causeless, relationless state. Sosan ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There seem to be two kinds of searchers: those who seek to make their ego something other than it is, i.e. holy, happy, unselfish (as though you could make a fish unfish), and those who understand that all such attempts are just gesticulation and play-acting, that there is only one thing that can be done, which is to disidentify themselves with the ego, by realising its unreality, and by becoming aware of their eternal identity with pure being. Wei Wu Wei ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you're not amazed at how naive you were yesterday, You are standing still. If you're not terrified of the next step, You're eyes are closed. If you're standing still and your eyes are closed, Then you're dreaming that you're awake. A caged bird in a boundless sky. -Jed McKenna ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In all ten directions of the universe, there is only one truth. When we see clearly, the great teachings are the same. What can ever be lost? What can be attained? If we attain something, it was there from the beginning of time. If we lose something, it is hiding somewhere near us. Look: Th is ball in my pocket: can you see how priceless it is? ~Ryokan ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue. ~Antisthenes ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Suffering just means you’re having a bad dream. Happiness means you’re having a good dream. Enlightenment means getting out of the dream altogether.” “The point is to wake up, not to earn a Ph.D. In waking up.” “It is your show. It is your universe. There is no one else here, just you, and nothing is being withheld from you. You are completely on your own. Everything is available for direct knowing. No one else has anything you need. No one else can lead you, pull you, push you or carry you.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “The bottom line remains the same: you’re either awake or you’re not.One day, there it is. Nothing. No more enemies, no more battles.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “I don’t have something you don’t; you believe something I don’t.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “It’s ego – the false self – that exalts the guru and declares the teaching sacred, but nothing is exalted or sacred, only true or not true.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Enlightenment is the unprogrammed state.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Wake up first. Wake up, and then you can double back and perhaps be of some use to others if you still have the urge. Wake up first, with pure and unapologetic selfishness, or you’re just another shipwreck victim floundering in the ocean and all the compassion in the world is of absolutely no use to the other victims floundering around you.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “All fear is ultimately fear of no-self.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “The one and only truth of any person lies like a black hole at their very core, and everything else – EVERYTHING else – is just the rubbish and debris that covers the hole. Of course, to someone who’s just going about their normal human existence undistracted by the larger questions, that rubbish and debris is everything that makes them who they are. But to someone who wants to get to the truth, who they are is what’s in the way. All fear is ultimately fear of this inner black hole, and nothing on this side of that hole is true. The process of achieving enlightenment is about the breaking through the blockage and stepping through the hole.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Maybe you think death is the opposite of life, or that all this death-awareness stuff translates into the end of happiness and good times, but this is not the case. Death isn't morbid, fear is morbid. Death doesn't oppose life, fear opposes life. To close your eyes to death is to close them to life: what could be more morbid than that? From your perspective, death and suicide are horrific and unthinkable. From my perspective, they are empowering and lifeaffirming. and I would look at any person that doesn't have an open, honest relationship with these subjects as themselves nine parts dead.”

Eh you don't need to worry about "siding" with any of them just to talk about them. You can have just one foot in their sandbox, so to speak. The problem is online dynamics make us so uncharitable and everyone is so paranoid about how they are viewed for their positions, it makes us behave in oddly dehumanizing ways. The only way to fix this is regulating the shit out of social media companies, but that's a conversation for another day. I actually think Ben Shapiro is a good person and don't mind listening to an interview of him once in a blue moon, and I'm left leaning/voting on nearly every political issue or topic. He might be a bit too rigid, but I don't think that's a crime that invalidates someone's genuine intentions. Even if the methods are a little dated or seem in opposition to the flavor of the time. Same with Jordan Peterson. People narrowly focus on the politics and cultural games too much and ignore the real world impacts. The guy has probably saved tens of thousands of people from suicide and other kinds of harm. Compared to 99% of people (including Leo), he's practically Gandhi. Maybe it's just me, but I find people pretty easy to read. Even if you don't agree on certain stances, you can sense the direction their intentions are headed. This will be broad > but I think when you are headed in the direction of "Goodness" it's important to make an effort to carry everyone who is also interested in that along, even if their perspectives don't match yours or have inefficiencies. You have to be very careful about what and who you "leave behind", because they will usually come back to bite you in the ass one last time.

Thursday 30/12/2021 12:25 Got back home to the fam Sunday night. Went for a walk on Monday. Didn't go for a walk on Tuesday, and yesterday I woke up very late. Yesterday, my brain fog suddenly lifted when I realised suicide was an option to contemplate. I was writing by hand for the first time in so many weeks. Focused It was odd that that got me into flow, I felt like I was honed in, the lifting of brain fog to find me. What got me into flow was that I felt like I was going the mile I did wake up with a feeling in the heart but it shifts But if the first thing I can say is that I firmly dislike the feeling that's the starting place. I've been too nervous to just say that I dislike it (LIES) I don't think I've ever existed, but the past tells me I do. Others tell me I do. I don't even know or think my experience of self even changed, but my probing of it which has gone on forever continues. I've been this detached way since childhood. Yes, but also no. It's like I'm a floating ghost I know I've had a good life, maybe, it's been just alright. When you hit the wall that you've hit so many times before there's nothing to say. I know by now what circles and motions I've done, so, I could never escape the box. Rather, I know what the problems are by now despite the chaos I regret and feel grief for my life thus far. I was dissociated since Madressa? No not exactly. But I can track what conflicts and unresolved traumas there have been Memories returned but mask off; I feel intolerable malice and envy. I am a bitter person. Above all else though I'm unwell and it's unlikely I'll recover or have something worthwhile. It's like I'm in some torture chamber simulation, "give up n1gger". No, its more like my life in it's entirety is the composition of a retarded koan. Something like Nansen kills the cat My life is something equally absurd and retarded. But I'm still waiting for the punchline, or more like I am the punchline

Oki so I had a really bad dream last night The dream was something like this. There's a murder mystery that involves a father and son. The father is found dead at the shore of a popular beach. Where quite rich people hang out at. This guy had beautiful women who adored him.. Yet none of these girlfriends tried to rescue him or call for help when he was drowning. It's not very clear in the dream whether it was a drowning or a homicide. And the son then commits suicide many many years later out of regret and guilt. The son feels bad that he couldn't be there for his dad or couldn't rescue him. The son hangs himself. The case remains cold for many years and the cause of death is drowning yet its not clear if he was murdered. One of the girlfriends confesses that she knew he was drowning and yet she did not care to get help. So many aspects of this story mirrored some aspects of my life. Like the complex relationship I shared with my own dad, his sweet caring nature, my recklessness as a young kid when he was alive, his death, my inability to grasp and process his death and years of PTSD and survivor's guilt haunting me, feeling regret of not having spent enough time with my dad while he was still living, feeling the burden of being unable to save him and the consequent emotions of suicide and wanting to give up. The dream was kinda prophetic. I mostly likely will never actually kill myself because my dad would have wanted me to live. Yet the guilt of feeling helpless when he died still bothers me a lot and contributes to my suicidal feelings.

I understand what you guys are saying, but then how does one explain what happens to those whose businesses went belly-up or lost it to a big corporation and then end up having their whole lives being completely devastated to the point of either having to go back to being a wage slave for a very low paying salary or end up committing suicide?

I am quite new to spirituality and I honestly don't have much experience on spirituality and meditation.. to give a personal account of what brought me to this place, for the past two years I was struck by an existential crisis as my stage orange / green dominant worldview broke down as I was pursuing personal development. then, I was drawn into new-agey side of personal development and started seeing the subjective nature of reality. with exposure stage green self dev stuff like manifestation , I wondered whether the hard science that I devotedly believed in was actually true? I used to condemn all sorta stuff like energy healing, spiritual stuff and religion as nonsense years ago! but, with directly experiencing various synchronicities and seeing how reality shifts as I change perspective took a massive blow on my materialist paradigm. after vying for answers from reading all the scientific research I consumed, I came to conclusion that there was more than what we perceived to be. that consciousness at least plays some role in reality after reading and applying the works of Maxwell Maltz, Joseph Murphy and many other philosophers. then I began heavily studying about various perspectives. I started learning Buddhism, Christianity , comparative religion ,history . I was seeing how different lives were across the globe ,time and how all this seems to be like a matrix. I was literally groundless and it came to a point where I was LOST! simultaneously, my work life became a mess that I was confused wondering what to do with my life? is life even meaningful? I gave up on my relationships. I was soo hungry for a worldview that I even thought of converting into Christianity and say that it was the ultimate truth. yet, as I tried to reconcile all the aspects of reality upon their teachings and models, they all seemed to fail leading me to depression. as my worldview was collapsed, I started getting intrusive thoughts in my mind . I had thoughts of the most horrible things I could think of like murdering my parents and driving over the pedestrians while driving. I thought of suicide as I did not wish to harm anyone . I was scared whenever I saw sharp objects like knives... I informed my parents and visited a shrink who said I was having depression, anxiety with OCD type intrusive thoughts. I was prescribed anti-depressants . my thoughts became coherent after several weeks of medication. therapist still recommended me to continue medication for another six months after recovery since I was feeling utterly nihilistic. I moved back to my parents and have been dependent on them since then. I quitted my work and decided to get my mind back and the sense of reality. this was when I found actualized.org and nonduality. as I found nonduality as the only way to reconcile and stand my questioning process, I was beginning to accept it as plausible to be the case. .so I spent majority of the day drawing parallels between concepts and questioning them . I had a ton of time for thinking as I was living like a parasite off my parents again. next, I started heavily researching into spirituality and listen to a ton of various teachers of various traditions to make sense of the shit ! I started reading books of Ekchart Tolle and other spiritual teachers for answers. this existential crisis made me to question every damn thing I thought I knew about reality. Everything is useless and meaningless in the grand scheme of things ! TLDR- but, here's my problem, as I began to see that what I call as self itself as an illusion and seeing how ego plays this game, I was beginning to lose myself. I mean, I no longer feel like a person anymore! I don't feel any fear whatsoever! I don't know if something is wrong with me ? I don't see any meaning! I feel super detached from myself to the point I don't care whether I live or not!? I don't feel any desire whatsoever! I used to be one of the most ambitious arrogant guys who had stupendous desires to be the best! now after all, I have no feelings of desire when I see the things I used to cling to! I almost feel like an emotionless zombie as I don't feel the urges of fear , anger, desire resentment ,jealousy. I feel a certain sense of peace though. IS THIS WHAT THEY CALL' BEING ' STATE? also please note that only techniques I used were long hours of contemplation and questioning. my questions are IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? IS THIS NORMAL TO NOT FEEL LIKE A SELF AND TO BE DETACHED FROM MYSELF ? IS MY EMOTIONAL NUMBNESS and LACK OF DESIRE A PROBLEM? what are your advice and what should I do? # thanks in advance!❤?

a suicide attempt, an awakening, a 7 month dark night of pure agony and ending with a soft loving mindblowing change of experience and looking forward to 2022 to see how deep this really goes have a good 1 m8s

The /r/femaledatingstrategy subreddit is full of mentally ill women who hate men, families, and society. They all seem to have some sort of mental health issue and live very bitter lives. Do not take advice from them. https://imgur.com/a/itzqpOf the problem with following their advice is if you are this delusional, sane men will naturally avoid you, and the only men who will stick around will either just be there to use you and split asap, or be very socially unaware, or simply be mentally unhealthy themselves. Generally raising a child without a father is correlated with many negative outcomes. Children raised without fathers are more likely to be abused, become pregnant as a teenager, runaway, commit suicide, wind up in prison, less likely to go to college, among others. Leaving a relationship isn’t necessarily as major a problem, but not having the father in the child’s life or demonizing them to the child is a major problem, generally it should be avoided unless absolutely necessary (father is mentally ill, abusive), in which case effort should be made to compensate it by the mother being extra attentive, the child living with a trustworthy male relative, enrolling the child in scouts or a team sport or something.

I used to experience extreme fear around my mom. To the point that at age 18, I wanted to commit suicide. My first suicide attempt was at 14. My mom grabbed my hair, pulled my hair. I ran towards the phone to call my dad to inform him that she is beating me When I grabbed the phone before I could whisper "hello," she yanked the phone out of my hand, pushed me to the floor and then I ran towards the door. I was fearing for my life. I thought my life was over. I opened the door, and she pushed me out and shut the door. Then she yelled loudly that she will never open the door. I felt extremely terrified. I wasn't able to process anything. I had no money I had no shoes. Just my clothes. I went barefoot. I kept walking towards a church. I sat there on the porch of the church and I kept crying for hours. I thought I was homeless. It felt empty, abandoned. I was sitting there for 4 hours crying, feeling terrified of going back home. I wanted to commit suicide. I felt tempted to jump from a bridge But some stranger told me it's not allowed. He told me that he would call the police. So I kept walking. It was evening. I had barely eaten anything. I was hungry and barefoot in scorching sun Then I suddenly heard a screech. It was my sibling I still have no idea how they got there. They asked me - "what the hell are you doing here?" I said —" mom pushed me out, hit me and told me to never come back." My sibling told me to go home as soon as possible I went home. And that day any feeling of trust I had with my mother was lost forever.