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@fridjonk Please forgive the slowness of my responses. I understand what you express about the cost of running a farm in a responsible way with a long term view. When I managed our family ranch there seemed to be no end to the things I could spend money on ( x 10 ) with good justifications. I got tired of working my ass off whie deciding what I had to spend money on that was most crucial and then paying taxes with the rest. Often denying things for myself like health insurance and taking vacations. @fridjonk Expounding on the question I asked you became a launching pad for a spontaneous spiel that I just typed out and in no way is directed at you but to the forum at large. I wanted to make that specifically clear and thank you for allowing me this space in our conversation for this indulgence. My question about the possiblilty of deceptive potential mates probably gives away my tendency for having a rather pessimistic 'glass half empty' view of the world, At times anyhow. That admission is likely to push the buttons of lurking self righteous zen devils that are currently trolling this section of the forum. When I say these things that appear to have an inherent negativity, I do so with a non-judgemental heart, or try to, because in the past, I was one of them. A zen devil that is. This is my expression of how I've found this work towards Self actualization to be a two edged sword. I could often see others shortcomings but lacked the love of absolute truth enough that I would put on the blinders to avoid seeing my own self deception and folly. I've also found these type of confessions to draw out the beginners and partially awakened neophytes who are quick to dog pile onto others and in which they fail to recognise their own judgemental assessments. The neccessity here that I see of this work to eventually resemble an ouroboros. A similar cryptic statement out of the Fourth way is that one must work on oneself and purify emotionally in order to become food for Arch-angels. When one has cooked enough internally in an alchemical way, anything which happens will no longer be taken in a negative way. Even seemingly "bad" things. This realization is one that comes and goes with the flux in my degree of being. My daily yo-yo of being. When I have objectively seen my own bullshit, how can I judge others at all for theirs,,,, When my degree of being is at a higher level I perceive how Understanding is a magic bullet for unconscious behaviors and unneccesary suffering. It comes with a price though.

@Shin Yeah, that seems like a good description of the situation ? Why do you think God made people that way? Was he trying to keep the illusion of reality alive as long as possible? Labeling awakened people as crazy or putting them into asylum seems like an effective method to discourage them from exploring the metaphysical stuff and finding out the Truth.

Well said! I definitely had a low-key manic phase where I went around telling all my friends, family, etc about how they needed to meditate and directly perceive reality. I wanted them all to share in that bliss. A few awakening/insight/satori experiences later, I understood how futile and empty that compulsion it was. It was more of wanting to be viewed as some awakened being than actually having a genuine drive to teach. A few close friends still do consult with me about practices, but I never pressure, only reply to what they need at that moment. As you said, everyone has their own path

GREAT Thread! Only ever utilized RASA but loved it and still speak to Ramaji & Ananda often, and attend the odd Satsang. Also, interesting note on Gareth's website, he talks about his own RASA journey, and how it evolved into the work he's doing today. I'm not sure why, but I much more relate to the whole 'normal person' waking up, than the Ramana Maharshi / Monk / Living in an ashram type, probably because I always intuited I want what most would regard a 'normal' life- Family, Friends, Hobbies etc. Seems Gareth worked with Ramaji to stabilize his awakening, as he had already had many awakenings before reading 1000 and contacting Ramaji. One more note, I wish there was more awakened beings who just shared their everyday life, as you only tend to hear from people who go into Teaching for obvious reasons, but not so much those who just crack on in 'Normal' jobs, or don't teach, there must be quite literally 1000s of people who've Awakened and feel no call to teach, but spread the teaching in a less formal way, even if that is just with their presence!

has some great subs imo like /5meodmt /psychedelics /meditation /awakened etc.

Essentially, this web page is what I mean, or is an attempt to communicate or point, and it is organized in a top to bottom fashion. Short of reading all that, the highlight of what I mean by no more rollercoaster experience is the section called ‘mental & emotional equanimity’. One way to say it is enlightenment is what I am. Therefore, when thoughts arise about enlightenment, and or what I am, in any definitive manor… the believing of such thoughts is the opposite of equanimity. Being me / one, I don’t have to see someone living their life to see in the words that they are experiencing emotional fluctuations that they prefer not to be experiencing, and to know what it is they therefore desire (equanimity). In the same way there is no actual experience of a me searching for a knowledge in the first place. If that thought arose, and I believed that thought, experience has been shaped such that I am a separate thing, and knowledge is a separate thing. That is confusing because there is no actual direct experience which matches such a thought. Liberation would therefore be the stark opposite of the experience which ensues, from believing that or those thoughts. Going a bit further… in the believing of those or similar thoughts in regard to knowledge… from believing said thoughts, it would then seem that there’s ‘something I need to know, learn or remember’, in terms of spirituality, awakening, enlightenment, etc, while the actuality is there never was, never is, and never will be something necessary to know, learn or understand… and feeling tells me so, if you will. Always was, is right now, and always will be the case. Then it is seen that spirituality is an abstraction, a cover up, which started with, aversion. Only then, could “I have awakened or awakenings or be enlightened”. To arrive at such a conclusion would actually be indicative of ‘being asleep’ in, reaction. Or, to have adapted to the thought attachment ‘right under my own nose’. Or above it, really. Apparently.

It's the alone part that gets me. It's too much my ego to handle. I don't know how others have dealt with it. I see alot of people of this forum playing hide and seek with themselves. Awakened. Asleep. Awakened. Asleep. It's just so backwards though.

i don't think so eating plays a great role in the process of awakening, but if they are awakened and returned to unhealthy eating they will go to lower states of consciousness.

@Moksha awakening won't necessarily eliminate all the bad habits in the day that it happens, like addictions. There are awakened unhealthy eaters and smokers.

I HATE THE ANTI-CHRIST! I WANT HIM TO BURN IN HELL!!!! lol look at the irony To reconcile the evil in others and in the world, look at and realize the evil in yourself, your repressed shadow aspect and the need to be liked and seen as good, and see yourself as good. Actually understand what creates the conditions for “evil”, extreme trauma which causes immense fragmentation of the psyche to cope, which disconnects one from themselves and the rest of the world. Learn what is God, consciousness, and Love. Opposite of evil. And what the hell is evil anyways? Define it. Those who commit “evil”, are just incredibly hurt and damaged people, who have been most effected by evil themselves, and are probably suffering the most on the planet as they are completely disconnected from everyone in it, that they can dissociate from the pain they cause others. Think of the most intense extreme loneliness, sense of fear, isolation, separation from the world, and need to survive, this is what causes “evil”. They are disconnected from God/Love, limited and constricted low vibration consciousness. Recognize the selfishness, the self centeredness, narcissism, desire to hurt (boiling and destroying others like you said), lack of awareness, disconnection, lack of empathy, and ignorance you have in yourself. Etc. What are the reason behind these traits, states, feelings, etc and what are the root causes and trauma behind them. How have they served you? Why would you want to do such things?? It doesn’t have to be the worse thing in the world to be considered evil. Here’s a little help. evil= ego attachment, belief in separation, unmet needs, sense of powerlessness Evil acts often give others sense of power in their feeling of powerlessness & hopelessness, Lowest vibrational state, you get why some people might get a rush from killing, rape, or causing a genocide? Also to be felt heard and understood, “evil people” often only feel hurt and pain, deep emptiness, they want to inflict on others what was done to them, and so others feel their pain. Hate is the epitome of evil, what causes hate? Hurt. Also, most evil people don’t see themselves as evil at all, but good, and that the world is evil. This isn’t rocket science. You’ve just suppressed this aspect of evil so much in yourself you’re completely unaware of why would someone be evil when, even you’re talking about boiling or destroying others yourself. Killing others. All from complete lack of self awareness. That’s evil. Also Where is the line between “that’s not so good” and “PURE EVIL I TELL YOU”? “I only hurt some people intentionally sometimes when I was angry” Ummm that’s evil… ”I try not to kill anyone” okay..?? Lots of Freudian slips of evil there. Seriously a sign of such an deeply suppressed shadow aspect in yourself. Reconcile the evil in yourself. That you are deeply afraid of it. Possibly even afraid of yourself. Please dedicate yourself to a practice of shadow work, and journaling, and parts work, to heal integrate and reconcile the lost and suppressed unconscious parts within yourself, bringing your shadow to the light of consciousness making you more whole again, and more awakened. Also meditate more.

@Godishere Maybe I'm not understanding your self-reference, so let me ask: "yes I do believe that the cosmos dies with 'me'." Are you referring to the "you" that is typing on this forum, and thereby excluding the "me" that is responding to you? Or are you talking about the Self, which is the essence of both "you" and "me"? When you say, "I am the entire cosmos", it points to the latter, and if so I agree. Consciousness is all there is, including the apparent cosmos that it creates. Ultimately, you can't become infinite Consciousness because you already are. Consciousness doesn't change, it is nondual, and it is beyond time and space. It only appears to change, and creates the appearance of separate beings, who reside in a relative cosmos of time and space. It is all an appearance, not ultimate reality. When your apparent body is buried in the apparent ground, Consciousness still appears as other bodies not yet buried in the apparent ground. I don't know if you have awakened, but if so, when you look into the eyes of the people around you, what do you see? Like you, I can only speak to my direct experience. I see the sameness of myself in others, and the sameness of others in me. The apparent individuality is not ultimately real, and this can be realized even within the dream.

@Thought Art Trust your instinct. It sounds like you have had insights, but have not awakened yet. Awakening is the direct realization of absolute truth, beyond any experience. If thinking is involved, it is not awakening. It is the direct spiritual resonance with your divine nature. This enduring realization of unity, where boundaries dissolve and you see the sameness of yourself in all things, is the purpose of life. But where there is unity, one without a second, that is the world of Brahman. This is the supreme goal of life, the supreme treasure, the supreme joy. Those who do not seek this supreme goal live on but a fraction of this joy.

The difference is that your "real" memories have an internal consistency, accessibility, vividness, and emotional resonance which your fake memories will not. As a human ego-mind you are not strong enough to will and weave new alternative memories into being. Memories are dreamt up at a much deeper layer of consciousness than your ego-mind's will. So in practice this makes your memories feel very real. Of course they are still a dream from the awakened POV, but you ain't that conscious so you don't feel that usually.

This is meant mostly for young seekers who are juggling early life with self-transcendence. It's no surprise that the most awakened people you see in the world are some of the most well-integrated and resourceful people out there. While it's not uncommon for mystics to enter a deep introspective phase of their life, it's not an unproblematic endeavour. In the past, being a mystic was synonymous homelessness, and fortunately for them, there were structures in place that made it possible to survive (Indian culture is very accommodating to mystics). However, in the modern world of Western individualism, it's not a wise decision to leave your life behind, certainly not before it has even started. I recommend re-defining the concept of spirituality from the idea of seeking the highest to integrating the whole. What makes us human is our desire to expand endlessly, and the ultimate expression of this is the desire for truth. You can imagine the desire of truth to be an expansion towards the highest altitude of consciousness. However, the impulse of expansion does not only extend towards higher altitudes but also towards wider breadths and deeper depths. It's not just an movement upwards, but rather it's an expansion in all directions. So in other words, to be truly spiritual is to maximize all expansion in all aspects, not just the higher ones. In fact, when the lower aspects are denied their right to expand, they will impede your ability to go higher. For example, if you deny your sexual energy, this will create a disruption in your emotional system and impede your spiritual energy. There are a myriad of "lower energies" within you that need to be processed and expressed before you can fully move on to the next level (e.g. the desire for safety, belonging and esteem), and working on the wordly things will help you in that direction. So it's not just that it's impractical from a survival perspective to not develop the lower aspects of yourself, but it will also cause problems for your truth-seeking. I can use an example from my personal life to illustrate this point: I've personally had a little "wood mystic" phase in my early teens (dropped LSD a couple of times, started smoking weed heavily to expand on those insights). What initially began as an intense seeking for truth turned into a denial of personal responsibilities and avoiding the hardships of life (stopped caring much about school, friends and family), and the stress from having to deal with all those bad decisions made me very neurotic and depressed. I later realized that the dysfunctional part of my behavior stemmed from some emotional issues, namely having had very strict parents that didn't let me fully express my emotional impulses, and that me immersing myself completely in truth-seeking and avoiding responsibilities was me trying to fill that hole from my youth. Something as basic as the need to express one's impulses (to consume, to indulge, to "want", to self-assert), which I expressed through intense truth-seeking, was ultimately creating more problems for me and holding me back. What I was avoiding, and what I'm focusing on now, is to integrate my personality, harvest my potential, become a resourceful person and then go directly for truth without being a liability to others. I'm not saying that what happened to me will happen to you, but there are many things that can go wrong if you take the seeking approach over the integrating approach. Every part of your life impacts every other part in some way, and if you fail to address one part, it will have a detrimental impact on the whole. This is essentially a lesson in holistic thinking: of not getting too caught up in one aspect of life, but to be able to see the bigger picture.

God awakened itself and became a spiritual teacher so it can further awaken itself again. It has no preference as to what guru it will appear as, whether that might be Christ, Leo, some monk in a cave or some homeless guy ranting incoherently. It's a loop that never ends.

I don’t think there’s anyone else in my life that would get this, so I’m sharing this experience with the people of the forum. It’s a very deep “spiritual experience”, if we are to call it anything. I’d had it pretty easy since my deepest awakening to God/Infinite Love two years ago. A few health issues since then, but nothing special, for the most part just an easy life, feeling happy and fulfilled most of the time. At the same time, paradoxically, I did notice that I was gradually becoming more fearful as I integrated that awakening. I was holding on to those good times and to the fluffy notions of Love and as a result developed the fear of losing those good feelings in the future and made a shadow of the unconditional aspect of Love. It was noticeable, I became hypersensitive to stories that involved extreme pain and suffering and was subtly trying to avoid them. In addition, I had slowly begun forming some beliefs about that awakening and the nature of God. And the experience of dying just before that awakening had been quite traumatic, because it came with deep suffering and resistance. During these two years, I even entertained the notion that maybe once you’ve awakened to God, then there’s no more need for pain and therefore it won’t be experienced – well, the last few days have harshly disabused me of that silly idea. On Monday evening I began experiencing extreme pain, first in the stomach and then the lower back on my left side. That night was awful, I was experiencing new levels of pain that I didn't know/remember were possible. I prayed to God for mercy. I promised that I would take better care of my body. I would never become complacent about life ever again. The next morning I went to the hospital. Almost fainted from the pain on the way there, and then had to go through the hassle of trying to find the emergency room in a hospital where nobody seemed to speak English – I’m in Vietnam and don’t speak the language. In the emergency room, I had to wait for hours in the most extreme pain that I’ve ever experienced – a 10 out of 10 level of pain that just won’t quit. No breaks, no intervals, just non-stop pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I was non-stop howling in pain and even fainted briefly while waiting for the CT scan. They only gave me a shot to kill the pain after the second CT scan – hours after I’d arrived in the emergency room. It turned out that I have a kidney stone. It’s lodged in the ureter, near the bladder. After the injection, the pain subsided and I was sent home with some medication and was instructed to drink loads of water, the stone is apparently small enough to be passed without the need for surgery. The next few days were ok, experiencing crises sometimes but nothing as bad as that first one. This morning, though, it got worse again. And the pain was again at extreme levels, there was nowhere to hide. I put on some music, laid down and slowly felt how I was opening up to the experience. Beauty was recognized in the whole experience, and also there was a deep sense of compassion. Cried my eyes out. And then it hit me. In the midst of the pain. A timeless insight. There was no more fear. There was no more fear of ANYTHING. Death felt like a joke. In fact, I’m pretty sure that death will be an awesome experience. But it went way beyond that. There was no more fear of extreme pain. If pain is to occur, then that’s what will occur. There wasn’t even fear of non-existence. Who cares about non-existence? There was simply no fear whatsoever. None. Over. I think it’s dangerous and a trap to look at spirituality as only butterflies and rainbows. I’ve fallen into that trap. I know that sometimes we say that consciousness can be brutal, and it’s actually pretty easy to say it, but it’s a whole other story when the insight occurs and the fear directly falls away. Now, to be clear, I’m not saying that this is something that has been added to me, the person. I don’t think so. Fear may arise again, but the thing is I’m not scared of fear either. There’s just no fear of anything. And that’s God. That’s the unconditional aspect of Love. It’s utterly fearless. There was no mystical experience, no fireworks, just a sudden insight that was so immediate and deep that I wanted to share it.

What if you could become so awakened that you embody the love on infinity in your life purpose? You would be able to change the world I think. Imagine being an Infinite Mod. A lighthouse Born from Infinity to serve in the awakening of infinity to its highest love? Just like how video games have moderators what if you could awaken so deeply you basically become a reality moderator. You would have to go as deeply as you could possibly go. You would need to be more mature, grounded, skillful and loving than 99.9% of people. You would need the biggest map, biggest heart.... Thick face black heart... Main goal: Unity, Truth, Love, Holism, beauty, health, etc

@Thought Art Interesting post. I like the way you think. It could go a few ways. You may have no desire to change anything, because it would appear perfect as it is. Or becoming aware there are infinite realties, you could focus into one where you could play the role of awakened moderator. You would have to follow what your intuition tells you. Beings choose this earth reality for very unique experiences. Some honestly don't want to awaken. To them that would defeat their purpose for being here. They are enjoying the game of being unconscious.

In Absolute reality, there is no goal. Goals belong to the world of the relative. For one who is not yet awake to their own nature, the goal will be to "wake up." But once woken up, it's revealed that the goal only existed in the context of one who believed they were a separate entity with a personality, history, and, yes, goals. Pertinent to your questions, however, there are some things that cannot be known no matter how awakened a being is. And that includes what comes after physical death for an organism. Anybody trying to give you clear-cut answers on what follows the death of the body is just speculating.

I wouldn't say it's stupid...It's a good contextualization for those that wish to latch onto a belief system such as that. But, that's just my opinion lol. I do agree we need to be careful on what we say when it comes to these things. It's a tricky situation because I can understand people's desire to teach/share. When I first awakened I really wanted to teach others, but came to the conclusion there was the potential to harm others and it wasn't worth it. But, I have nothing against those who do teach and people such as Leo have a great way of contextualizing themselves though it's still not without it's potential danger. I don't hold Leo responsible for people who take his teaching the wrong way.

Oh, dear @Nahm The love and respect I've got for you. Yet I still could not disagree more with you on some things. I'm sure it's a phase, but still, I must stay true to where I'm at, right this moment. I have no other choice. I know you know very damn well just how terrifying things can get. Remember jumping into that ice cold water and your heart stopping to beat? Remember your breath being taken away from you? Remember waking up in white noise? Remember your taste, touch, smell... turning into white? Remember being torn apart by the infinite swirling Light? Being burned alive? I did not seek any of that. It came for me. It sucked me in. It was beyond any terror and pain imaginable. It was worse than any image of hell I had in my mind. And it was not a choice. There was no way out, either. So let's not pretend like we have a say. I know there are more pleasant melodies that the Universe plays. But some are violent, chaotic and deadly, too. God is not only lovey-dovey, hippy-dippy songs. God is also death and black metal. Some say, a truly awakened consciousness finds even more interest in 'the darkness'. There is nothing to be resolved in Light. - It's already perfect and whole. Just a thought.

Names have been changed for the sake of privacy Wednesday September 29 2021, my father and I smoked 5-MeO-DMT in the form of toad venom. The Story: “I am a 33 year old male living in a beach suburb of Los Angeles. I am healthy, and do not use medication of any kind, or supplements, herbs, etc. My first experience with psychedelics was with LSD when I was 16, and I have also used mescaline, mushrooms, and n,n-DMT. For the past two years I have been using exclusively n,n-DMT and psilocybin mushrooms, and have been fully immersed in wisdom traditions which can broadly be referred to as non-duality.” I first became interested in 5-MeO-DMT many years ago, it’s impossible to know exactly when. Terence McKenna didn’t have much to say about it, feeling that the lack of visual activity was a shortcoming of the compound. Hamilton Morris botched some parts of it's history in a season 2 episode of his VICE show, only to make a spectacular comeback to kick off season 3. Memes and myths about psychedelic toads are common enough that even the lay person has heard of licking toads to get high. But that’s not the route of administration called for here. Incilius alvarius, formerly bufo alvarius, aka the Sonoran Desert toad or Colorado River toad. The largest toad in North America, this unassuming creature is recognizable by the venom sacks on its arms, legs, back, and parotid. When the toads emerge from hibernation en masse, one can collect their venom by squeezing the glands thereby spraying the excretion onto a piece of clean glass. After a period of drying, the venom contains ~15% 5-MeO-DMT, which can then be scraped and vaporized. When heated in a glass pipe, one long toke of this pungent vapor will produce what is widely regarded as the most intense entheogenic experience possible. In recent years, as relationships between US and Mexico based practitioners grow, a beautiful entheogenic culture is being birthed, with this toad at the center. Over the past two years my father and I fell in love with the synergy between n,n-DMT and non-duality, and he is rather active on social media in sharing his insights and perspective. We have a special bond, and after I shared n,n-DMT with him he has served himself on several occasions. Two weeks before this experience someone reached out to him on social media, curious if the information he’s been sharing was catalyzed by an encounter with 5-MeO. After some discussion, an exchange of names and numbers, and the auspicious alignment of several vectors, we booked a 6pm session in Malibu. Fast forward two weeks. The day arrived. I fasted, and left work early in order to buy some comfortable clothes for the experience and to give myself time and space to settle. Mild nervousness began to set in at this point. Sweaty palms. It was 2 hours until the ceremony, and I took time to sit and follow my breath and refine my intention for the encounter. I left home with time to spare for unexpected changes in traffic and a beach meditation en route to the facilitator’s home. After the drive and a few minutes spent admiring the Pacific, I met my father at the entrance to the house. If you imagine a cross between a Hobbit house, a cathedral, and an organic spaceship overlooking the ocean, the image will not be far off. We were greeted by one of the facilitators, Luna, who informed us that the previous guest was still processing and integrating, which gave us time to chat poolside with Jeremy, the lead facilitator. Jeremy is also my father’s name, and like my father he spent most of his career in western medicine. This is one of many synchronicities which surrounded this experience and continue to bubble up in my life. We shared awakening stories and practical information as the sun slowly set on the ocean, and when the time came we were ushered into the spacious and well appointed interior. This is where the ceremony was conducted, and I couldn’t have imagined a more comfortable or welcoming environment. All the expected design elements were present, raw wood, stone, and an altar whose center piece was a large amethyst geode which resembled a pair of open wings. Inside, we were introduced to Alicia, the final of the three facilitators. We were cleansed with sage, and moved into place on simple padded mats adorned with the likeness of Ganesha which had been laid out on the floor. My father was to go first and I would follow him 15 minutes later. The medicine was delivered in the Eclipse, a type of vaporizer with a threaded end into which a vial containing one’s individual dose is loaded. A most effective tool. Music came down, the lights dimmed, and incense was burned. This was it. Kneeling on the mat, my father was handed the pipe to hold between his palms, close to his heart, while one of the facilitators held a typed prayer before him to be read aloud. He read the prayer, and upon completion the dose was delivered. In one long inhalation, the entire dose was received. One single breath. My father laid down on his side where the facilitators quickly and gently rearranged pillows and blankets to support him. The effects come on immediately, and present differently depending on the individual’s nature and needs. Not 10 seconds after the end of the inhalation, my father began vocalizing in complex glossolalia. He was not speaking any language I know, or even know of, but the tone of the message was complete and utter astonishment. I couldn’t help but smile, and at times barely contained myself as the joy turned to laughter, and tried to escape from me the way steam rises from boiling water. Eventually, the mutterings gave way to English, and some of the quality of his experience came through: “Unfathomable. Un-fathom-able. Oh Jesus. Jesus Christ! Of course. That’s it. That’s IT. Jesus Fucking Christ! I get it! Of course I get it, , I get it. How could it be anything else?” This settled down, and no more than 10 minutes after the dose, my father was resting peacefully, in deep communion with All That Is. Jeremy asked me to step outside to speak to him. “Would you like to take the medicine while standing? This is usually reserved for the second session onward, but based on your history I think it would be a beautiful experience. You remain upright, spine in alignment, bridging Heaven and Earth. I’ll be right behind you, waiting to catch you when it comes on. Just fall back and we’ll take care of you.” How could I say no? We headed back inside, and I stood at the edge of the mat while the final preparations were made. This was the moment of Truth. Alicia cleansed my hands with Florida water. She gave me the pipe and held the prayer to read. At this time in writing the report, I am shivering and covered in waves of goosebumps as I coax the memory of that evening from out of the ether. “I am love. I am health. I am peace. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be healthy…” “Now breathe it in, nice and slow. Good, good, more. More, more. Almost there, a bit more, good.” The rich vapor is the taste of mystery. It’s aroma is ancient, spiced, sweet, and deep. Earthy and medicinal, more than anything it tastes of power. As I finished drawing it all in the room quivered, suddenly filled not with air, but a viscous superfluid which was both more real and more dreamlike than waking perception. My arms were still raised, having lifted them over my head while taking the dose as instructed. As I lowered them, I fell back not into the arms of a man, but into the boundless heart of creation. Am I going to do it? Am I going to say “It cannot be described” and then go on trying to describe it? I could spend the rest of my life in effort, and never get any closer to conveying the felt experience. Holy Fucking Shit. This Is It. This Is Me. I Am It. Imagine what it feels like to become history, to become expression, to become Tao. This is everything, complete and outside of time. It is the Transcendental Object at the End of Time. It is loving, self organizing, infinite intelligence. All sense of who I am, that I am a “who,” was blown away in a great cosmic wind. All sensory experience merged into one orgasmic, orchestral cheer which echoed through the halls of creation. I am an old man basking in the sun. I am a wave crashing on the shore. I am touch, number, color, smell, sound, taste, light, electricity, magnetism. I am the telling of a joke and the punchline. I am the intimate symmetry of flowers in bloom. I am liquid light in love with itself, dancing into form, dancing out of form. I am an impossible object of infinite potential. The only thing to do is everything, and so I do everything. I am every possible extreme and subtlety, the transcendence of quality. I am without quality. Total. There is nothing to which or against which comparison is possible. All of reality is One. All of reality is won. This is a solvent. The problem solved itself. Holy shit This Is It. I felt the crystalline nature of the eternal moment precipitate from the supersaturated solution that is all the teachers and all the teachings of my life. The qualities of my father’s loving wisdom are in me, I am them. I am the radical insistent wisdom of Leo Gura, and I became him, and we were the universe, astonished and weeping with joy at having done it again. We did it. We remembered. I laid there as the infinite descended into form and all of reality knit itself back together I opened my eyes. Perfect brilliant stillness. Complete luminous abiding. Total radiant peace. I rested in the delicious feeling of being alive. Of being Life. I closed my eyes. “Hey bud, how are you doing? You want another puff? It’ll be like a deep meditation.” Jeremy laid a gentle hand on my chest. How could I say no. I remained prone on the mat while Jeremy administered the second dose. The inhalation was slightly shorter, but the depth of this experience was just as profound as the first. The Knowing was there again. What we call reality is the appearance of opposites, across all possible axes, in perfect dynamic equilibrium. In this configuration there is infinitely loving creative intelligence. Life trusts and loves itself completely, and so gives itself full permission to express itself Completely. It’s here, it’s right there, for you to take it all. Something trying to move, and I have to allow it. Drawing a breath, I let out an exultant howl rising and then falling in the end. It felt like the ultimate acknowledgment of who I am. From somewhere in the distance I heard the howl returned, a howl of recognition from my father. I howled again, jubilant. Who knows how long I lay merged with this unity. Eternity isn’t a long time, it is the transcendence of time. Coming back, slowly, slowly, gently. Piecing together my individuality was like putting on the finest clothes I whispered to myself: “My name is Mason Newhouse. My father’s name is Jeremy Newhouse. My mother’s name is Lucienne Pavot. I am speaking the universe into existence. Satya is the truth of existence.” I shuddered with bliss at the simple facts of my being. I bathed in that bliss for a moment, and wriggled cozily, feeling like a child in bed on a lazy Sunday morning. Eventually I sat up, and reflexively spit a congealed ball of emotion across the room, and looked at Alicia seated to my left. "Well, that's it. Welcome to Utopia " Alicia smiled and nodded. The sun had set, and the spacious, dimly lit space was rich with magic and the potent scent of toad venom. The room was thick with emotion, and I looked at my father on the mat beside me “So that’s it.” he said “That’s it.” I replied “Two thumbs up.” To my right and behind me I saw Luna, and heard her crying gently. There is the impression that something profound had just taken place, and everyone sat quietly together in pure open awareness. My father and I hugged and laid on our backs, head to head, marvelling at what had just taken place. Jeremy came over to welcome us back. He thanked us for the beautiful session, saying that it brought him even closer to his own father, with whom he has shared this experience. We all sat together talking for a bit, about the experience we had, about the people it has helped, research being done, etc. “It’s nice to have a body.” I say, and I mean it. “A nice human thing.” We all sat for a while, and as big talk turned to small talk, the evening drew to a close. I offered my deep gratitude to our facilitators, to the people who harvested this medicine, to the toad, to the earth, to the sky, to myself. To The Self. Years, indeed lifetimes could be spent in describing the awakened non-dual state, and that’s exactly what’s going on. All religions, mystery schools, and spiritual traditions are pointing to this. There is nothing new I need to say or could say. Any way I approach it, this experience is a transcendence. It is nothing like n,n-DMT, and yet an obvious expansion on it. There is no way I could have prepared for it, but everything in my life led to that moment. It was infinite power and infinite gentleness. I have to choose to end the report here, lest I go on forever. I'm in no hurry to go back to that space but I savor the thought of when the time comes to return. tl;dr I smoked dried toad venom and became God, which is synonymous with Universe, Love, Tao, Reality, Energy, Intelligence, Creation, Imagination, Consciousness, Eternity, Infinity, Everything, Nothing. This. Here. Now.

I want to say that everything that you just mentioned have been verified from my own experience so yeah, your theory is true! This is exactly how I managed my anxiety and OCD despite being attacked from all sorts of dark forces/entities without my knowledge. The bigger the attack the more you need to let go. I came to a point where I did let go of everything including my age, nationality and religion. After all this is how I became "awakened". I can tell you more about it if you are interested!

A few weeks ago I posted about my recent LSD experience in which I had God realization for the first time. That experience was easily the most beautiful and life altering experience I've ever had, but it also traumatized me in ways that are difficult to describe. If you want to read it, you can find it on my profile. I'm writing this post as a follow up because I keep hearing about how great psychedelics are and how amazing god realization is but I never really hear about the aftermath of those experiences. I think a lot of people believe that you can access these states of consciousness for free, without any consequence and that just isn't the case. This post is gonna be long so be prepared. But I wanted to tell my story about the 6 months following my God realization experience and how it changed me. I want to be as detailed as I can, so we'll begin immediately following the God realization as I lay on the floor of a bedroom in a large log cabin starring up at the ceiling in awe of what just took place. A feeling came over me as I laid on the floor that seemed to be saying that my life was about to get harder. I didn't know exactly what this meant but I accepted it without question. I spent the next full day seeing ordinary reality as God. I couldn't un-see it. I was hanging out with my two best friends but when I looked at them I didn't see them as my friends, I saw them as God. They lost all sense of 'other-ness' from my POV. It was like watching two hand puppets pretend they were separate. Every word they said, every action they took was Holy. They didn't seem to notice their own divinity though and this didn't take away from their divinity, it amplified it. I spent the day being very quiet. My friends would talk to me and I'd talk back but not in anything other than very short sentences and phrases. I wasn't speaking from the point of view of my normal sense of self. It felt as though I was speaking automatically, without any need to know what I would say next. There was very little to no sense of any control over my body and mind either. Though I was seeing out of my eyes, hearing through my ears, tasting my tongue, feeling my body, hearing my thoughts, etc...It didn't feel personal to me anymore. My gaze became wide and unfocused. Instead of looking at individual objects in a room, I was looking at the entire room as a whole. I loved everything and looked at all things as if it were a beautiful women. We (my friends and I) eventually packed up and left the cabin and headed home. I remember sitting in the backseat of the car thinking to myself that I'll never be able to relate to my friends again. I had seen something that very few human beings had ever seen. How was I ever going to explain to anyone that ordinary reality is not what it appears to be, that it is God in disguise? and Who would I explain that to? When I got back to my hometown- I spent the majority of my time sitting on the couch looking at the wall. I wasn't interested in doing anything, going anywhere, saying anything etc. God realization slowly wore off and an immense doubt took its place. I looked at soda cans, walls, streets, tree's with a look of disbelief. As if I knew they were not what they appeared to be. It was as if all of reality was holding back a laugh while pretending to be something it wasn't. The soda can on the table, the plate of food, I saw it and said to myself- I'm not fooled by you. I became deeply devotional and did everything with a high degree of consciousness. Every step I took, I took intentionally. I saw every action as a form of devotion to God. Washing the dishes, driving my car, ironing my clothes, all of it was imbued with a deep sense of religious meaning. An immense sense of responsibility came over me. I knew that I couldn't simply go back to being who I was before, I had seen God, now I had to live in such a way that was in accordance to that realization. After a day or two of this- thoughts began to arise in my mind like "was that experience of God real?" "Is that the Truth?" My ego was beginning to reconstruct itself slowly but I could tell that there was still a large piece of it missing somehow. I wasn't sure how but I knew something wasn't right. That feeling I got at the end of my trip echoed in my mind- Your life is about to get harder. But I still had no clue what that meant. The Dark Night Begins- The following three months were horrible. I began experiencing physical pain in my chest, shoulders and arms. I thought I was having heart attacks but every time I went to the emergency room, they found nothing at all. Sometimes I would drive to the emergency room only for the pain to completely disappear as I walked in the door. On top of that, I had panic attacks every. single. day. In the moment, I wasn't sure what was happening but looking back on it now I'm able to see very clearly that my worldview was shattered so completely that I had no idea what was real anymore. One side of my mind knew that all was God, and the other side was convinced I was wrong about it all. I was constantly torn between the two sides. As I did my every day activities, I constantly wondered if I was devoting myself properly to the task at hand. I wanted to live in accordance to my realization but I couldn't. I fell short again and again and again. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't live up to what I had realized. I was incredibly unstable in my thoughts and emotions. It was like I was an infant who had just awakened in a fully grown adult body and was still getting the hang of all the mechanics. Even small, seemingly insignificant things would move me to tears or fill me with existential dread. It wasn't all bad though, my meditation was much deeper during this period. I was entering Jhanas with little to no effort and experiencing deep contemplation at times. No matter what happened though, I still felt as if a large part of my psyche had gone missing somehow. I couldn't put my finger on what was missing, but I knew I needed to resolve this. My spiritual Teacher began giving me psychotherapy sessions to help me integrate. In these sessions, I remembered things about my childhood that I had forgot even happened. I also experienced physical pain in response to childhood memories which showed me that the pain I was going through was mostly psychological. Over a few weeks time, I realized alot about myself. I saw clearly that on some level I hated my parents, and I hated myself, and my life. I sat with those feelings of hatred amidst some of the deepest depressions I've ever faced. I've experienced depression before in my life, but these levels of depression were some of the deepest I've ever felt. I honestly had no idea that getting this depressed was even possible, but it was. There were a few points where I thought about killing myself. I never would actually go through with it of course, but I was so deep in depression that I understood how people would end their lives early because of it. Without my spiritual practice and my Teacher, I probably would not have made it through these parts. This particular healing process lasted three months. I was in total confusion most of the time, not knowing what the truth was or what was going on with me. I'd never experienced anything like this in my entire life. Every day my spiritual practice was tried and tested to the limits. I spent most of my days balled up crying or having panic attacks, being depressed and bedridden. I wanted this nightmare to end but I knew that the only way out was through so I spent as much of my time as possible facing my demons and owning up to my past. After three months the physical and emotional pain began to let up. I had worked through some horrifying emotions and past traumas and I was finally able to start feeling normal again. I began to notice that the 'hole' in my psyche was nothing more than drywall (figuratively speaking). Behind that drywall was a lot of childhood trauma and pain that I'd stored away when I was a kid. I never saw myself as an angry kid, but it turns out I was quite angry as a child. I couldn't let it show because my dad was ruthless and overpowering, so I suppressed my anger and became overly compassionate to compensate. Once the feelings and emotions started calming down a bit more I began to feel normal again. When I say 'normal' I don't mean normal in the sense that I was 'back' to my old self, but normal in the sense that I was someone totally new. I felt more integrated and complete as a person and I was more honest with myself about who I was and what I wanted out of my life. I felt like I'd regained my power over myself and my life. The next three months leading up to the present day were more or less like the previous three but on a less intense level. I gradually continued to integrate my past, my pain, etc. and I continue to this day working through my past, my traumas and my other areas of spiritual growth. Every now and again I'd fall into a pit of despair but I knew now how to work with my pain and my fear so I would simply work through it and integrate the lessons. Daily zazen and regular meditation retreats helped to ground me in my 3D throughout this entire process and I'm grateful for that honestly, but ultimately I'm grateful for myself. Psychedelics threw me into a hole and I dug my way out of it on my own. Sure, I had my teacher to give advice and other people to talk to but ultimately I did everything myself and I came out way stronger because of it. I realize now that the insights you gain through the use of psychedelic's aren't at all 'free'. You don't get to just go see God and then walk away from it unscathed and unchanged. Especially if you didn't earn it. Before this experience of God realization I sat zazen every single day for 6+ years. I've worked with a teacher closely, I moved to and live at a zen center and made sure my entire life was centered around practice. I've even had my own spiritual realizations while on meditation retreats without any psychedelics and despite all of that I was still not prepared for God realization like I thought I was. I was not prepared for how real this spirituality shit is and honestly I don't think many human beings are either. I remember watching Leo's videos for many years and hearing him say things like- You won't understand this until you have had X amount of awakenings, or you can't attain this realization even if you meditate for years and years, etc... etc... and every time I would hear him talk about God, The Truth, Wisdom, etc...I always felt like he was taunting me, challenging me to go and have these experiences. I realize this was probably my projection onto Leo, not knocking Leo at all. But I always felt like he was having all the realizations I wanted to have and that somehow I was missing out. I wanted to have an awakening so I could finally experience what all the hype was about but it wasn't happening in my meditation and that led me into psychedelic's. But I realize now that maybe...just maybe, the whole point of being here as an ignorant human being who doesn't know shit is to just be an ignorant human being who doesn't know shit. I spent so many years trying to enter these advanced levels of realization only to realize that the whole reason I wasn't experiencing them without psychedelics was because I wasn't actually ready for them. I mean...the sheer responsibility that comes behind a God realization is immense. Anybody who knows God knows what I mean. I didn't actually want that life like I thought I did back then. Even though I experienced God, I couldn't uphold that realization and live in accordance to it like Buddha, Jesus and many others had in the past. I just plain wasn't ready for that. Had I been really ready for God realization like I thought I was, it would have happened all on its own. Suddenly. Like it does for those few human beings who are actually ready for it. exa- Buddha, Christ, Dogen, etc... So that's my piece. I'm not shitting on anyone who wants to take psychedelics but I am saying that if you are using psychedelics and you haven't hit Gold yet, you haven't had that grand awakening experience you want so bad yet...stop and consider that you might be 1000% wrong about what it is you really want. I want to end this post by putting a letter written by Carl Jung to a Catholic priest after the invention of LSD, this letter really speaks volumes IMO, Thanks for reading everyone. It has indeed very curious effects— of which I know far too little. I don’t know either what its psychotherapeutic value with neurotic or psychotic patients is. I only know there is no point in wishing to know more of the collective unconscious than one gets through dreams and intuition. The more you know of it, the greater and heavier becomes our moral burden, because the unconscious contents transform themselves into your individual tasks and duties as soon as they begin to become conscious. Do you want to increase loneliness and misunderstanding? Do you want to find more and more complications and increasing re­sponsibilities? You get enough of it. If I once could say that I had done everything I know I had to do, then perhaps I should realize a legitimate need to take mescalin. But if I should take it now, I would not be sure at all that I had not taken it out of idle curiosity. I should hate the thought that I had touched on the sphere where the paint is made that colours the world, where the light is created that makes shine the splendour of the dawn, the lines and shapes of all form, the sound that fills the orbit, the thought that illuminates the darkness of the void. There are some poor impoverished creatures, perhaps, for whom mescalin would be a heaven-sent gift without a counterpoison, but I am profoundly mistrustful of the “pure gifts of the Gods.” You pay very dearly for them. This is not the point at all, to know of or about the unconscious, nor does the story end here; on the contrary it is how and where you begin the real quest. If you are too unconscious it is a great relief to know a bit of the collective unconscious. But it soon becomes dangerous to know more, because one does not learn at the same time how to balance it through a conscious equivalent. That is the mistake Aldous Huxley makes: he does not know that he is in the role of the “Zauberlehrling,” who learned from his master how to call the ghosts but did not know how to get rid of them again: It is really the mistake of our age: We think it is enough to discover new things, but we don’t realize that knowing more demands a cor­responding development of morality. Radioactive clouds over Japan, Calcutta, and Saskatchewan point to progressive poisoning of the uni­versal atmosphere. I should indeed be obliged to you if you could let me see the ma­terial they get with LSD. It is quite awful that the alienists have caught hold of a new poison to play with, without the faintest knowl­edge or feeling of responsibility. It is just as if a surgeon had never leaned further than to cut open his patient’s belly and to leave things there. When one gets to know unconscious contents one should know how to deal with them. I can only hope that the doctors will feed themselves thoroughly with mescalin, the alkaloid of divine grace, so that they learn for themselves its marvellous effect. You have not finished with the conscious side yet. Why should you expect more from the unconscious? For 35 years I have known enough of the col­lective unconscious and my whole effort is concentrated upon prepar­ing the ways and means to deal with it.”

I can't see how humanity is going to solve climate crisis anymore. I'm sorry but I am seriously starting to lose hope in humanity. I know that some of you say things like "oh, don't worry, humanity is resilient and if pressed hard enough, we find a solution because our will to survive is stronger than anything". I don't think so. I just don't see how, but please, do your best to convince me otherwise. There's no way that a global society so f*cking unconscious and so unbelievably egotistic and stupid (I'm talking mostly about the biggest players in the world) is going to be able to pull through this enormous collective effort. Why shouldn't we be like the dinosaurs (or the thousands of other species that are currently dying because of us) and simply die out? There's absolutely nothing special about us and no reason why we shouldn't simply vanish from the face of this earth because of our own self-destructive idiocy and foolishness. Colonizing Mars, what a dumb idea. We are not wise enough to handle the powerful technology that we have developed. We're blasting CO2 into the atmosphere at an unprecedented rate, we rely on the most inefficient and destructive technologies possible to generate electricity and the demand for it is rising faster than ever. And as if that wasn't bad enough, there are hundreds and hundreds of millions, if not over a billion people who either straight up deny that we're at fault or who simply don't give a fuck at all, and who thus actively or passively contribute to this catastrophe. What needs to happen that we change our lives? A full blown catastrophe?? Because there's no way in hell that we will take radical measures before anything radical has happened. "And we are like somebody who has been dead drunk while the house was burning down around us. And now we have awakened to the sound of falling timbers and the smell of smoke, and we have a certain limited amount of time to figure this situation out. We don’t have 500 years or 100 years. Anybody who speaks in terms of solutions that require 100 years or even 50 years to implement doesn’t understand the dynamics of the situation." - Terence McKenna Again, I invite you to change my mind. Tell me why I'm wrong or why the situation isn't as bad as I think it is or why I should believe that the stupid ape that we are will be wise enough to recognize that it's sawing off the log that it's sitting on before it's too late.