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Hello – I’ve discovered writing trip reports in this fashion really helps me with integration and the last two I’ve shared seem to be received well from the forum, so here I am with my latest haha. This will be kind of long, but it’s very powerful material. This will be written using personal pronouns and from a perspective of ego, but please do your best to intuit the relativity here. Background: To really understand this trip, I have be fully honest about what’s lead me to this point in my life. I was unfortunately very misguided, unknowledgeable, and unwise when I graduated high school. See, I went into University without much of a plan or vision about what kind of life I wanted, all I knew is that everyone kept telling me I had to go to school. It didn’t matter if I had to take out student loans, I HAD to go. Well, fast forward and I’m senior about to graduate school and I have a little over $100K in debt. Yep. I felt foolish, I felt so much regret, I felt like an fucking idiot. How could I have let this situation unfold? Why didn’t I have the simple foresight to see this path was wildly un-strategic and a bad idea? To be honest, there was and still has been this deep existential dread associated with these loans that really sank into the core of my being as I went through school; it was like these loans provided a background vibration, or context to my waking experience that pounded away at my excitement for life, just dulling it with every beat. As if this wasn’t enough, two weeks before graduation I go to the emergency room where I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, a pretty brutal autoimmune disorder that if not managed correctly will slowly destroy multiple body systems and kill you. It pretty much slowly damages the body even when you have good control though. I remember feeling so hopeless that night in the hospital room. Not only did I have $100k in debt, but now I had one of the most expensive chronic illnesses in the United States (look into insulin costs) that could really ravage my body. So this trip felt like some sort divine healing session where I truly tapped into all of my pain and trauma from this situation, but in a theme of going full-circle, simultaneously tapped into my inner potential and why I’m here living this life. The only words I can use to describe what the peak felt like was going Super Saiyan, which I’m sure a large majority of the forum knows about from the anime Dragon Ball Z. I don’t mean to sound cheeky or humorous here, it’s just the only term I could think of to describe what happened during this trip. Set: I wrote down 4 questions: What is vision? What is intention? What is will? Who is doing all of this? Setting: As per usual, my room, my music, and my cat. Themes: - Super Saiyan - Vision and Life Purpose - Lightwork - Will - Patience - The Principle of Keep Going Super Saiyan One of the most amazing faculties of psychedelics is that they allow mind to tap into different experiences of time. During the peak, write before I felt like I achieved a state of “Super Saiyan,” it felt like a giant energetic bubble was growing in my body, almost like a ball of lava, within which all of my pain, particularly the pain from my loans and illness came crashing into awareness all at once. I experienced the years of my college education in this one moment. I experienced all the existential dread from those loans at once. I experienced the emotional pain from every finger prick and insulin injection, every high and low blood sugar episode at once. I felt all my helplessness at being chained by the American education system, I felt all of my helplessness at being the bitch of the American Pharmaceutical Industry, having to pay absurd amounts of money for health insurance and medicine just to live. And as the bubble expanded further and further, something snapped inside. Everything went full circle. It felt like kundalini or some other energetic force shot through the emotional bubble inside my body, and suddenly I was at complete and utter peace. It was like I was in the eye of my storm. It felt like I had completely let go of all of the pain, all of the trauma. However, just like in physics energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only transformed and that’s what this emotional surge did, it completely transformed. The energy from the pain was still 100% there, but it no longer was trauma, it was vitality. It felt zen. It felt like perfect harmony. It felt like perfect balance. It felt like with every breath I drew in, I could feel the universe providing energy for my purpose and with every breath I drew out, I felt like I as God was breathing out this purpose into the world. It was like a hurricane of energy was emanating from my body and mind instead of being stored inside as mental pain and bodily tension. This state of Super Saiyan is one of complete nowness, complete peace, complete fearlessness, complete effortlessness, and interestingly enough, complete formlessness. As motivation, inspiration, pain and suffering ebb and flow through life, you can find inner indestructibility as your true self. To act from this authentic space of inner potential is what it means to go Super Saiyan. And what's so beauitful, is that it is available in every moment. Vision and Life Purpose I realized how incredibly powerful vision is. Vision can be the context for your entire life. Every action you take, no matter how small (brushing your teeth) or how large (working on your life purpose) can be done within this overarching meta context that we can call vision. Recently I’ve felt in somewhat of a limbo with vision, almost like I’ve been embarrassed or scared to fully embrace my life purpose, but this is no longer the case. I’m here to teach other’s about spirituality and help the collective consciousness of humanity wake up. I will do this through public speaking one day. At this moment, I’m very focused on paying my loans off by the time I’m in my mid 30s (I’m 23), so I’m using YouTube as a way to get my voice out. My channel’s name is Existential Wonder if you’re interested. Eventually however, I want to find a way to do this through public speaking rather than video. Anyways, your vision is like a beacon for the energy of your form, your ego, your avatar, your survival as an individual, to align and attract towards with action. The more you understand your true nature, the more you will understand what your life purpose is and what type of vision you need for your life. Initially it may seem like there’s a paradox here. If your true nature of formlessness, and nothing actually matters, why pursue Life Purpose? And isn’t Life Purpose all kinda egoic in nature? It’s about the individual, and I’m not an individual, I’m infinite formlessness. One of the interesting features of God is that it operates at multiple levels, multiple perspectives simultaneously, so even though yes you are God, you are also a human doing human work, doing human survival. The nature and context of this survival can be more or less aligned with your soul, your “higher self.” I know some people on this forum dismiss such notions of higher self, but what you need to understand is that your higher self is just as much you and not you as a coffee cup. It’s simply an energetic force that resides within the whole of your experience as living as a human. It’s your self-actualization. Believe it or not, you as God want this energetic force, this energetic potential to play out and manifest. More on this later. Essentially though, vision is the beacon to center this massive energy and infinite potential that you have as an individual. As the energy grows inside of you, as you feel the call to Self-Actualize, and find your purpose, vision is the lightening rod to harness and create a single pointed focus for the energy. This helps you align all of your actions towards your mission rather than being swept away by devilry. Let vision be the context for all your action. I encourage everyone reading this to find your purpose ASAP. Can’t recommend Leo’s life purpose course enough, it’s incredible. Will Ah, the ol free will vs. no free will debate. I know there will be non-dualists here that disagree with me, and there will even be scientists who’d disagree with me, but I don’t really care. The fact of the matter is that you do have will, you do have choice. Your will is to self-actualize and return to yourself, to find enlightenment. This is what you're here to do. This is what you truly want to do. Let me reiterate, this is what you WANT TO DO. This is your DEEPEST SEEDED DESIRE. So here’s the thing, in every moment you can either choose to act from a place of devilry, or place of authenticity. The freedom of both is available, that’s how much freedom you really have as God. And no matter which option plays out, it’s the Will of God haha. It’s kind of a mindfuck… And it doesn’t make sense. But please realize Free Will is you becoming conscious of the fact that in every moment, you are truly free to act from whatever place you want. You are 100% free to be a devil (to play out your hedonism, addictions, cower from your fears, and embrace laziness, and basically be selfish), or you can be you (act from a place of fearlessness, self-actualization, truth, love, and selflessness). That’s really what free will means. It means there is the freedom for the energy to play out whoever it’s going to play out and if you think you can’t start taking action that aligns with your true nature, you are wrong. To dismiss free will is to dismiss the energetic freedom available from taking action. I wish I could explain this more, but I’ll leave you with this: Never underestimate your willpower. Don’t try to figure it out with your rational mind. Become conscious of your Absolute Freedom. Lightwork Leo’s latest blog post really brought this to my attention. During the trip, it felt like that I became conscious that I am in this particular life very much on purpose, almost like this life was chosen by me as God. It was important that I be chained to multiple western systems (student loans and healthcare) because I’m not here to leave society as hermit or monk, or to live life modestly and out of sight. I’m here to help humanity wake the fuck up very much as an active member of society. It felt like I became conscious that all this suffering I experienced from my loans and illness was all necessary to get my ass in gear so to speak. The suffering was needed to give me the energy for my life purpose. If I wanted to live a life of seclusion and meditation, I’d have been incarnated as someone who goes off and lives that life. No, I’m here to help plant the seeds of collective awakening for humanity. Now I have to be careful here not to get some kind of messiah mentality. I don’t feel like a messiah or Jesus figure. I don’t feel special, or better than others. I realized on the trip that this lightwork role can only truly be manifested from a place of humility and selflessness. The moment you think your better than others or casting judgement on other’s, you’re being a devil and don’t understand what Truth and Love are really all about. This trip felt like I finally, and fully accepted the mantle of responsibility for my suffering and for my purpose here as a member of humanity. And Leo’s blog post of lightwork really resonated with how my life has been and continues to be. Oddly enough, it felt like this life really was a choice, these struggles really were a necessary part of the path that I accepted long ago… Before birth. I remember this energy inside of me feeling so ancient, like it had been slumbering and waiting for a moment of activation. But who knows man. Psychedelics get some weird mind states going. Patience You’ve got to be patient. Patience for yourself as you wake up fully as God, patience as you self-actualize, patience as you manifest your life purpose, patience as you work through your traumas and suffering. In the state of being Super Saiyan, part of the overwhelming peace that I’d achieved was that I found the importance of patience through this transformational process. Patience is one your strongest allies, and I became conscious of just how important it really is for all facets of life. Your path will take time, transformation and evolution takes time. Just be patience and trust yourself. When you can act from a place of patience, you are literally aligning with the forces of biological nature here… So just be patience and breath. The Principle of Keep Going I’d discovered this life principle a while ago, but I really rediscovered it on this Trip. It’s entirely self-explanatory, which is why it’s so effective and beautiful. Just keep going. No matter what struggles you’re forced to endure, no matter how much you suffer, no matter how much pain you have inside, keep going, please keep going. You owe it yourself on all levels, as an ego, as the collective consciousness of humanity, as the collective consciousness of Earth, and as God, to keep going. Keep persisting and never give up on your path. Until your last breath, keep fucking going dude. You have the tools to available. Actualized.org is literally a gold mine of the techniques, habits, strategies you need to succeed at your purpose no matter what flavor or variation it takes on. We are all incredible fortunate to have found this place. Life is going to throw everything it has at you; your inner devil is going to keep tempting you over and over and over. You’re going to suffering enormously. You’re going to feel unmotivated, lazy, helpless, depressed, ashamed. Your negative emotions are going to try and rule your life, but you’ve got to find that inner peace and inner stillness that I promise is inside, and keep going. Keep going until you see who you truly are and what you’re here to do. As this dynamic of the trip was playing out, an image flashed into mind. It was an image I drew years ago in a state of deep depression, but I see now more than ever what I was drawing. Now more than ever, I feel ready to face the work of this lifetime. Thank you for providing the space to share.

Thank you. ?? I feel like I had a major realization about my psychedelic path that Ive yet to notice thus far. Maybe it’s because of the tools Im using (LSD and mushrooms) not being as powerful as 5MeO or DPT however it seems to me that in these wildly altered states of consciousness not only am I able to gain insight, but what Ive noticed is that these insight’s transformative capabilities have been inconsistent to say the least. On the one hand, I am forever changed after as much tripping as Ive done. Ive felt oneness, love, truth, nothingness and consciousness in ways I never thought possible... Ive literally felt the love of god and infinity. It’s nut. But I still come down. The energy that is this ego/body/mind returns and a contracted self energy resurfaces. Yet in a sense... it doesn’t return. From a certain pov, I can walk around dead sober and slip back into what I can only describe as psychedelic states of consciousness. I can tear up on a train going home from work because of the empathy and compassion I feel for complete strangers, I can look nowhere and see how all of this is spontaneously coming from nowhere... but I still come back. Attention still “sticks” to the imagery and story of me, as if there’s true authentic legitimacy. I don’t feel enlightened and yet enlightenment never feels separate from who I am, what I am. So what are psychedelics really doing? It feels like they are pushing possibilities forward, they are pushing the boundary yet the boundary snaps back. The transformational process seems to certainly be occurring but it feels like it’s only being sustained because of how much other work Im doing besides psychedelics. I see possibilities, I go super saiyan, and come crashing into ego, only to finally see that this distinction between tripping and sobriety is utterly arbitrary. Psychedelics are a high, a state change in which truth seems to become so much clearer but more than that, they present a possibility for how life may be lived but these possibilities are as temporary as the altered state. Until the possibility is integrated through the slow transformation and evolution of this mind/body/ego system, it will be entirely fleeting. But until transformation is seen as 100% available right here right now, how can one hope to transform? Moreover, what does truth have to do with transformation? Sort of rambling at this point... essentially I feel these tools have so much to teach, but after this last trip, I feel the weight of responsibility of the integration/transformation work. The psychedelics don’t promise change, they can almost guarantee massive, powerful insight but even these insights aren’t enough to produce the changes in experience you’d expect from becoming conscious of certain facets of truth. Why is that so? I truly wonder. Habits that seem to help: - 1 hour meditation per day following tmi system - constant passive contemplation “who am I?” “What am I?” - keeping my body healthy - sleep - no pmo - using weed very sparingly - practicing metta - journaling - watching actualized.org videos - reading books - moving towards situations that create fear like approaching strangers or holding eye contact - following principles like keep going and patience etc.

Hello guys. I'm trying to understand my own stage. So I was doing analysis and was going back to my old thinking patterns since I was young(6-8-10). One thing I'm aware is that I was 100% non judgmental, and even now when I see ppl I'm like that's the way he understands things, or if someone insults me in anyway I'll be like, he got triggered by something else or he felt threatened by my attitude. Also I used to go to church/mosque cuz I though praying to god was good and made me feel good. My praying would be literally like this: Jesus,budha,allah,Mohammed whatever is the truth thank you, and I would go to sleep ? (nvr interested in learning Islam method of praying or any kind of church ritual) Had friends, atheist and Christians. Also I lost this belief in GOD, or whatever I though god was when I was like 15 16, I was like wait a min, all those books are fairytales, but still thought that thers some good morals and needed for some ppl to help them with a deeper sense of life and help them psychologically. Since I started meditating though 3 years ago, and since I came to the US 2 years ago my patterns of thinking would go like this: I need to do smth with my life, and also I developed some sort of devotion toward my guru and Shiva as a figure of not the truth but someone who gave humanity tools for transformation. I also had mystical experiences if you will, like my vision turned green while meditating, and I lose sense of my body completely, no tension, no feeling on the body, it's just me, my emotions are still there but the connection with my body completely gone. Does this makes me a BLUE/ORANGE/GREEN/YELLOW? BLUE coz I think shiva or my guru are needed for my spiritual growth, ORANGE cuz I need to do smth tangible with my life, GREEN coz I value respect a lot and consensus, YELLOW cos I find it funny and I'm aware that understanding reality or having mystical experiences can come either from yoga,psychedelics,watching Leo's videos or just going deep decoding your psychology, and reading about Systems lately and how important they are. Also I had those experiences, does it make me PURPLE according to the model or TURQOISE. Also guys I'm being aware of some old programming I had before, everytime I meet someone that kinda was doing what I was doing, or knowing more than me in a certain field I would feel threatened, was this some kind of RED?

Hey thanks ❤️ And thank you for asking... Patience. I think experientially, patience is like an acceptance of now, and letting go, a being, a surrendering to now. Often times I can get fixated in the future, whether its 5 minutes from now or 5 years from now, the mind, my mind creates these stories and imaginations of what it wants to one day occur or what it needs to plan for. But when I look at nature, when I look at the pace at which life moves, it moves very slowly. Transformation, evolution, change all happen at a snail’s pace relative to the quick fixes the mind craves. So patience is like reconnecting with the operating principle of life... just be with whatever is and be patient as impermanence and change play itself out. Moreover, let the patience be imbued with trust that whatever happens is exactly what needed to happen, and is all a form of self love and growth. My goals will manifest however they will manifest, trust the slowness of this journey and be at peace with what is already.

I posted the following in another thread and it can be worth repeating it here. I found it amazing that all major religions have the concept of a new earth. I read somewhere that the word "sea" in ancient Hebrew can mean "evil" and although the Book of Revelation is written in Koine Greek I think "no longer any sea" in Revelation 21 means no longer any evil (or separation), not that the oceans will dry up or anything like that [see quote from bibletools.org below]. And the new earth seems to me to be a profound transformation of the earth we live on and a revelation of the kingdom of God on earth, which is within us Jesus said, but hidden in our fallen world. Christianity "See, I will create new heavens and a new earth." - Isaiah 65 "Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea." - Revelation 21:1 Judaism "HaOlam HaBa, or "the world to come", is an important part of Jewish eschatology " - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_to_come#Jewish_eschatology "The Temple will be rebuilt (Ezekiel 40) resuming many of the suspended mitzvot[9] (commandments) He will then perfect the entire world to serve God together (Zephaniah 3:9)" - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jewish_eschatology Islam "Allah creates new heavens and a new earth. Upon their completion, the third trumpet will be blown. It is “the trumpet of resurrection.”" - https://christinprophecy.org/articles/islamic-eschatology/ Hinduism "In Hindu eschatology the current age is the Kali Yuga, a period of decline. Kalki ('Destroyer of Filth') will appear to purge all evil, beginning a golden age of Satya Yuga." - https://www.revolvy.com/page/World-to-come "Kalki ... is described in the Puranas as the avatar who rejuvenates existence by ending the darkest and destructive period to remove adharma and ushering in the Satya Yuga, while riding a white horse with a fiery sword." - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kalki Buddhism "Maitreya's coming is characterized by the decreasing of the oceans in size, allowing Maitreya to traverse them freely. The event will also allow the unveiling of the true dharma (Law, Teaching) to the people, in turn allowing the construction of a new world." - https://sirius-eng.net/liki/maitreia.htm Notice the terms: corrupt system, multitudes, nations. That's this fallen world we live in! And: And to connect back to Judaism:

Id be glad to hear some opinions about this. I am wanting to work more on psychedelics and reach for transformation and transcendencd. I remember my first psychedelic was ayahuasca and it was beautiful and extremely scary at once. Also it has a dreamy nature to it, of course with an intense amoubt of visuals and jungle vibration accompanied. Thats why I wonder if it can actually delude someone even more into ego games, due to its playable nature it possesses and cause it works on the third eye. On my one and only Bufo Allvarius ride I had a terrible experience and did not breakthrough but nonetheless I felt much more purer afterwards and rid of unnecessary thoughts. Ayahusca actually made me dream more and I remember the trip is always accompanied by the feeling of not understanding anything. As I am not ready for another Bufo session, here Id like to find opinions on the benefits of ayahuasca and another psychedelics for example Peyote or San Pedro. What are the benefits and maybe even disadvantages of Ayahuasca and Peyote regarding, transcendence, transformation and understanding/enlightenment.

I'm not saying don't moderate them. What I'm saying is that if you block something out as fundamental as human sexuality, you end up with a contents under pressure situation... that ends up getting in the way of consciousness work and self-actualization. And that's why I disagree that the dating/relationship sub-forum should be deleted. That's all I'm saying. But I understand your feelings, as I feel the same way about sexism. It really doesn't feel good and it salts collective and individual wounds. There's a lot of pain and anger and fear there. And the wounds are deep and ancient and infected. And they effect both men and women, but it's only women who tend to realize it and feel it strongly. And this gives us a unique advantage in helping men and women with this issue. And this is a space where you can bring things to light that can help people that would otherwise be stuck in a bad position. It's a space where you can push back and influence people (men and women) to see what's actually going on. And of course there are many people that don't like to look at this. But I'm not just sharing for their sake. Talking to brick walls is not helpful for the brick wall... and I certainly don't do it for me because it's not fun. But some of the onlookers on this public forum will be deeply influenced. Because I share in this way, so many people are not aware of these things. And I've had quite a few men and women who seek out my services to help them integrate their feminine side. Also, your age is not so relevant to me. And I find it strange that my disagreement with you is being met with the level of resistance that it is on this topic. So, if your assessment is that you have healed your wounds because you're twice my age, then I have to push back on that notion. These are ancient wounds and collective wounds as much as they are individual. And it takes a lot of equanimity to be receptive enough to get deep into the wound enough to start healing it. You have to understand it at such a deep level that you can find compassion even for those men that are spitting vitriol toward women and trying to diminish us. And the compassion grows out of understanding why the wound is effecting them that way. It's really about systems thinking. And because it's a collective wound, you won't be able to fully heal until it's healed in the collective for men and women... which probably won't happen completely any time in my lifetime. But it's about the journey and making things better and better. And if you only focus on the substance of what the 'too far gones' say, you won't see how helpful this kind of awareness is for people. So, the existence of the Dating/Relationship forum tends to produce some low quality content. But it's also the space where the most transformation can happen. Issues always play out on the sexual stage eventually. Repression (in the mind or internet) is not healthy.

Substances can definitely be part of awakening. Though the awakening itself is prior to that, and every single second of your life is part of that process. Not just the peak moments that arise out of those substances. Or any peak moment for that matter. And while transformation can certainly be offered through these peak moments, integration is not. So, the simple (sober) moments in your life are as important as the profound ones. You wouldn't be able to handle transformation after transformation if you weren't also able to integrate them. So, while these huge transformations can definitely be beneficial, they are never the goal. That would just be another way of chasing experiences. Or objects. These peak moments are simply perfectly timed openings that correspond to your needs in that very moment. If that means getting high, then so be it. If that means intense retreat, so be it. You'll know what to do, cause you'll be doing it. So let go of what you think is needed for awakening. Whatever is needed will always occur. As it's always occurring right now.

E V I L 1. Knowledge of true evil is a direct knowledge of reality itself. 2. Such knowledge is not immediately possible for living creatures. 3. The experience of reality by normal creatures is expressed as the experience of their presence in some outer space external to them. 4. In itself, this experience expresses a lack of encounter with reality. 5. Therefore, a normal being has only a general elemental premonition of the possibility of evil. 6. The quality of this premonition is an ontological discomfort. 7. This discomfort is nothing but the feeling of a deep, inescapable alienation that separates normal creatures and the universe in which they live. 8. The real life experience of any normal creature is the experience of complete loss. 9. This experience is behind any attempt to form an orienting idea of being. 10. In fact, any such idea from the very beginning is a way of hiding from oneself a strangeness of reality 11. The most common in the formation of orienting ideas is the aesthetic predisposition of normal creatures. 12. Thus, the most general way of hiding a strangeness of reality from oneself is the notion of beauty. 13. A normal creature immersed in ontological discomfort perceives a completely strange as monstrous. 14. The quality of the monstrous is determined by the premonition of evil common to normal creatures. 15. It is the horror of the monstrous that determines the connection between the principle of form and the thirst for orientation. 16. A normal creature does not suspect that any form is knowingly and absolutely monstrous. 17. Concrete certainty of any form is given only by primordial arbitrariness. 18. Total arbitrariness of any form expresses fundamental strangeness as an inherent metaphysical property inherent in reality. 19. This fundamental strangeness is revealed only in a true encounter with reality. 20. A meeting with reality means precisely a meeting of the subjective principle with pure and total arbitrariness. 21. Meeting with reality is a concrete and direct detection of evil. 22. Only a complete and active intuition of evil makes such a meeting possible at all. 23. The intuition of evil is the flip side of the illusory nature of any experiential experience. 24. This intuition immediately gives knowledge of the hostile opposition of global arbitrariness to the subjective principle. 25. The absolute tragedy of this knowledge is that global arbitrariness permeates absolutely everything. 26. Thus, the intuition of evil reveals that for a subjective principle, existence as such has the character of an insidious trap. 27. By virtue of this deceit, the cessation of existence puts an end to any concrete manifestation of the subjective principle. 28. However, the connection of objective existence with a concrete manifestation of the subjective concerns only the external side of that hopelessness that is embodied in creature. 29. The truly internal essence of hopelessness is the hermetic isolation of reality in itself. 30. In this hermetic isolation, perverted infinity inherent in reality is expressed. 31. The essence of this infinity is the quality of continuous continuity inherent in all-pervasive arbitrariness. 32. Due to this continuity, every given is completely equivalent to any other possible given. 33. In this equivalence, all possible alternatives to actual reality are completely analogous. 34. As a result, reality itself has no genuine alternative in itself, in the realm of the possible. 35. The subjective spirit meets and opposes to reality as to arbitrariness, and seeks to find the prospect of its own triumph in the alternative to reality. 36. From the point of view of the subjective spirit, the potencies inside reality itself are completely barren. 37. The continuous continuity of global arbitrariness is metaphysically nothing more than comprehensive immanentism, in which the absence of the absolute is embodied. 38. It is the absence of the absolute that is the ontological basis of evil. 39. This absence guarantees the hopelessness of the captivity in which the subjective principle resides. 40. Ultimately, the purest evil is immanence itself in its spirit and principle. 41. It is the spirit of immanence that communicates to actual reality the appearance of an immutable justification. 42. Actually, immanence includes countless potentially different expressions of reality. 43. Therefore, global evil is infinitely wider than any actual expression of reality. 44. Due to this, real evil in some way has a negative transcendence with respect to being. 45. This negative transcendence makes global evil invulnerable to any inherent tendencies. 46. Thus, with respect to global evil, there is no real antithesis. 47. The possibility of an antithesis to global evil arises only through a fundamental rejection of reality. as an antithesis to global evil, good is, from the point of view of the subjective spirit, a completely illusory futile prospect. 49. From this point of view, good is a complete reconciliation with the very principle of evil. 50. Focusing on the good implies the acceptance of hopelessness and hermetic isolation as a kind of saving aspect of reality. 51. The instinct of hopelessness gives rise to a myth of universal love in good-oriented creatures. 52. The essence of this myth lies in the illusion that the possibility of absolute atonement is given in reality itself. 53. Such an illusion exists due to the fact that evil is perceived as insufficient and not-total. 54. A turn to fundamentally unreal is the only unique opportunity to confront evil. 55. This possibility comes from the fact that evil has two cardinal aspects. 56. On the one hand, evil expresses the general nature of the objective. 57. In the objective aspect of evil, the element of universal inertia is embodied. 58. However, for the subjective spirit, evil turns into its polar opposite side. 59. This other side, from the point of view of the subjective, is the principle of radical surprise. 60. Radical surprise occurs as a breakthrough of the fundamental absurdity through the layers of external inertia. 61. This breakthrough carries the possibility of an unexpected transformation of being. 62. In the fundamental absurdity, the energy of transformation is dissolved, as the only true accomplishment. 63. For an incarnated creature, evil is revealed in the potential perspective of a real miracle. 64. Because of their state of loss, normal creatures perceive a real miracle as a nightmare. 65. Only the subjective spirit that has taken on a titanic responsibility knows evil adequately. 66. This knowledge presupposes freedom from blind thirst for atoning reconciliation with global evil. 67. This knowledge means the rejection of any ethical assessment of evil. 68. The subjective spirit experiences the reality of evil in the unmotivated nature of things. 69. From spirit's point of view, evil is the basis for solving the unique problem of the metathesis of reality. 70. The titanic responsibility of the subjective spirit is the acceptance of evil as spirit's own internal burden. 71. This acceptance provides insight into evil as the starting point of a titanic spiritual perspective. 72. In this perspective, fantastic being opens up as a paradoxical transmutation of the very foundation of reality

"Those who undertake missions are the selected ones." "Happiness is found in doing, not merely in possessing." "The energy you radiate is the reality you get back." "The transformation of mediocrity into genius through transmutation."

Respect! I keep getting banned for sharing my opinions. For talking about dating, pulling, esculating, and painting out how cucked it is. The soundtrack of my mind is just me doing nonstop big ups and then I approach. I approach as if I had already hooked up with her even if we're strangers LULz. You don't need to be better. You already are better. You just got to live and approach life with that in mind. Culture is feminizing men. Simping. Beta thirst. Watch fight club. There's a level of blissful ignorance and delusion required for transformation. Good luck playboy!

For the past few weeks, I've experienced some cool insights due to my meditation practice so I wanted to share 3 of them and explain how they occurred. To clarify, these are insight experiences. Insight is any direct experience realization that challenges your existing worldview of self and reality. Insight experiences are moments where you become conscious of these insights to a degree. They can be temporary or permanent. All these 3 were temporary in my case. But they are realizations I can contact in the present moment as long as my intention is strong. Everyone has insight experiences but being able to realize them and be conscious of them as they are occurring is not an easy task. Repeating them at will is even more challenging. The more you repeat these consistently, the insights percolate deeper into the psyche and completely transform your existing belief systems and daily experience. Partial transformation has occurred in my case but the capacity of these insights to transform one's life (as far as I'm able to see) is massive and potentially infinite. 1- Life is a form of dream: This insight was realized through hypnagogic states one experiences while waking up or going to sleep. Eventually, mindfulness cracks through the sleep cycle and certain insights become available to the meditator. One of these was how the internal thought and images was active in the dream state. Basically the same monkey-mind you experience in daily waking life (both internal talk and memory images) are what constitutes your dreams. Your dreams are literally made up of mental talk and mental images you use in daily life. I've realized this at the end of a dream where the waking life 'monkey mind' and dream life memories have clashed together in a hypnogogic state. The mechanism was realized to be the same due to metacognitive awareness one develops in meditation. The insight challenges your exisiting worldview because you believe that you are relatively alert and awake in daily life but as long as there are mental commentary, images, thoughts that pertains to non-present moment experience, you are dreaming. You are not fully conscious. Just as you create a story, body and a self in a dream, the same mechanism continues when you wake up in the morning. True 'waking up' arises out of greater mindfulness, silent mind and un-mediated contact with direct experience. So this insight experience makes you suspicious of what reality is on a deeper level and attunes the psyche to be more mindful automatically. 2- Literally Missing The Richness of Reality Without Mindfulness: This is seemingly a very obvious insight experience for many people. But the ramifications are quite deep. It is deceptively simple. I was watching a TV show at the time and all of a sudden, I had a thought about a trivial thing. My metacognitive awareness was not that strong at the time so after a few minutes, I've realized that I've completely missed what happened in the tv show as my mind was in a subtle state of following a thought pattern. The reason why this insight experience was profound is that I've rewound the show and realized I was not even conscious of the subtle movement that guy made as he said this or that line. Or how a particular emotion was conveyed with a body language cue. These profound moments were completely missed due to unconscious movements of attention and thought activity. My metacognitive awareness was there at that moment with the importance of present moment realization. The realization was that you are LITERALLY missing the richness of reality due to lack of mindfulness. This, again, re-programs the psyche to be more mindful in the following present moment experiences. Because there is no moment other than the present moment. 3- The Importance of Metacognitive Awareness + Joy + Body Awareness in Daily Life I've already realized this before but as time goes on, you realize how much distortion occurs in consciousness when you start to move around, talk to people, write comments, and do stuff. Without metacognitive awareness, every single moment is tainted with craving and as a result, massive amounts of subliminal suffering arises. You might bliss out in a meditative or psychedelic state. A lot of profound insights can occur from these experiences. But the tendency to compartmentalize your spiritual practice and 'end' meditation sessions as soon as you need to go to the bathroom is very great. The key to radical reductions in suffering in daily life lies in the combination of metacognitive awareness + Joy + Body awareness. A quick explanation of these terms are: Metacognitive Awareness: This awareness is knowing the overall state of the mind, fixation/craving levels, the location of where attention is, what its doing, intentions, body awareness, emotions, thought activity of the mind. So this is a very inclusive meta-skill of awareness. It is the pillar of mindfulness. And this one skill gets you to adept meditation stages. So the content (like the joy) loses its importance and things like the mind's mental reaction towards the joy/pain become central to your practice. You monitor these elements in real time. It sounds really hard and a lot of work but it is fairly effortless once you are actually there. Joy is very alluring to the mind. So it becomes easier to develop metacognitive awareness. That is why many meditators rank jhana practice as a foundational technique in Samatha circles. In daily life, the demands of activities require metacognitive awareness. Otherwise, joy and body awareness goes away. and you get fixated on the activity. Walking meditation is the key to making this work. Once you get the joy there and maintain it, that is really good progress. Then you need to do that while talking which is really hard. But it is possible with more practice. So in stage 8, you'll realize that daily life practice is just perfect for the development of metacognitive awareness. Joy and Happiness: Both the pleasant sensations and being in a state of joy highly reduces suffering and invites equanimity to consciousness. Being able to maintain these qualities in daily life is a key skill in making your life sweet and strengthening metacognitive awareness further. Body Awareness: To maintain this in daily life, an ability to slow your movements down and get in touch with the body as a whole in a state of comfort and relaxation is key. You already develop this skill in meditation but bringing it into daily life while you are walking etc. is a challenge. The tendency to rush towards activities is huge. To develop this skill in daily life, walk and move like an old man. Very slowly. Walk slowly. This enables metacognitive awareness and joy to be maintained. As you get better at it, you can do it with speed as well. But quality matters here. Stop your general tendency to pick up the pan and cook stuff in a state of craving. That entire paradigm needs to go away. Just throw it out. Commit to never move without mindfulness. The natural result will be slightly slower movement but greater joy, awareness, bodily comfort and mindfulness. Get used to living like this. Don't type out comments with speed. Feel into every click and button slowly and only increase the speed as far as mindfulness can keep up. --------- These were my recent insight experiences. Feel free to contact me and ask questions. I wish all of you well being and happiness

@Tanz I remember reading in The Power Of Now that he didn't actually realise what had happened to him, other than a deeply profound transformation. He said something like its only when he started talking with spiritual teachers and reading spiritual texts that he realised he already had what they were pointing to. But yeah, certainly didn't come across as a previous crack smoker or womb raider.

The Preface I have worked out a preliminary protocol to support the fire of kundalini without getting fried and to prevent the years of depression-like fallout that often happens after an awakening. As the science of kundalini progresses such a protocol for adaptation or higher homeostasis will be refined and expanded. Till then, please be aware dear reader that this is an experimental book, the research that will give us the definitive answers to this mystery has yet to be done. In the past we have had no scientific understanding as to what was actually happening to us during kundalini. Now in with modern science we can begin to understand what is really going on. The Biology of Kundalini is a revolutionary book, long overdue. It will change the way we look at spiritual evolution, medicine and ourselves. With this book I offer a theory of the biology of kundalini, which explains all the symptoms, suggests a protocol of adaptation, and encourages research into a new branch of medicine...Evolutionary Medicine. It is part Self-help book and part notes for scientists and medical minds with an interest in consciousness. It also honors the often difficult process of spiritual crisis in a way that hopefully will reduce the suffering for those undergoing the cruxification, and for those around them watching. This information will be invaluable for anyone going through an awakening, for their family and therapists both medical and psychological. I recommend you pass over areas you find dry on the first couple of readings. If the subject of metamorphosis in anyway inspires you then eventually even the dry areas will become juicey. The Exhaustion Phase is the seed of BOK which you can use along with the skills and protocol to construct an adaptation or recovery program that is personally suited to you and your symptoms. Writing this book has been the most incredible ride...the information arises on a wave of energy and bliss. When I am hot on the kundalini trail Spiritual Presence is heightened, the muse is tangibly potent and the pieces of the puzzle formulate themselves around the "pull" of the Holy Spirit. It is very important to grasp the distinction between “damage” (pathology and disease) and the transformative process of “metamorphosis.” Certain phases of metamorphosis include cellular necrosis and catabolic breakdown, for the new cannot grow without the removal of the old. Kundalini with its amplified metabolism and nerve activity, and increased oxidation will tend to down-regulate neural and hormonal receptors and rewire the nervous system. However even if we are in the between-slump, when the hyper-functioning has backed off, but our receptors have not yet regrown, we cannot really consider kundalini as being “brain damaging.” We must see all phases of metamorphosis as necessary allostatic changes in the transformation of our organism and the human collective. Once we understand this and intelligently adapt, we can avoid burnout and regression, and thereby learn to keep the gains made through heightened kundalini. I don't recommend that anyone should pursue the raising of kundalini energy...I recommend detoxification, supernutrition, strengthening, plus self-discovered spiritual practices and adventures. I recommend following your Muse and working on giving your greatest gift for the widest distribution. If you do these things then an awakening is likely to occur. If you don't do these things then you will not be prepared for a kundalini awakening and so it probably is not going to serve you. So I don’t tell people directly how to raise their kundalini, but encrypted throughout BOK are ways that you can use to raise kundalini. However if you cannot find them, then you are not really ready for an awakening. Disclaimer: If you are not a solutions orientated, original thinker then BOK is probably not for you. If you have an infatuation with external authorities, orthodoxy, and traditions, or find that you tend to fixate on problems, then avoid this book. Also please be aware that I am not a spiritual teacher or a medical doctor and the only authority I have comes from my own experience and research. Nothing contained in this book should be construed nor is intended to be used for medical diagnosis or treatment. You should never disregard medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in BOK. From http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=Preface.html

Prophet/Messenger 1. The desire of the negative spirit to break out of the sphere of pure impossibility creates the phenomenon of prophet within objective reality. 2. The phenomenon of prophet is a manifestation of that which is outside of reality. Which is pure impossibility. 3. Thus, the prophet is the first manifestation of a totally OTHER. 4. In the phenomenon of the prophet, the negative spirit expresses itself as the will to totally OTHER. 5. This will, expressed as a message, is a real thought about OTHER. 6. The subjective spirit cannot realize its actual birth without this thought. 7. In essence, the phenomenon of prophet within objective reality is the true birth of a subjective spirit. 8. In this birth, a fundamental conflict between the subjective and the objective transforms into immediate reality. 9. The prophet carries out an absolute opposition to objective being. 10. Therefore, the phenomenon of prophet does not remove and does not resolve the conflict between the subjective and objective. 11. The essence of the prophet excludes the very possibility of unity of both. 12. Prophet presupposes a metaphysical irreducibility of subjective and objective principles to each other. 13. The prophet is by no means a creature created by the space program of I. 14. This means that he is free from the universal mechanism of personal experience working on this program. 15. The intrinsic nature of the prophet basically excludes the very idea of perception and experience embodied in beings. 16. The internal nature of the prophet is fully alien to any ontological experience. 17. The prophet realises the absolute anti-mind nature of the subjective principle. 18. Therefore, his message cannot be the discovery of any ontologically rooted truths, including Truth from capital T. 19. The prophet carries out his appearance outside of cosmic duration. 20. The content of his message is out of touch with the objective rock. 21. The prophet comes contrary to the expectation in which the being abides. 22. His coming destroys the very foundations of universal hope. 23. His mission is not to heal a damaged being. 24. The mission of the prophet is the transformation of an insoluble conflict between subjective and objective into a merciless titanic confrontation. 25. In this confrontation, the subjective spirit can only be either totally destroyed or triumphed over objective being. 26. The death of the subjective spirit means the complete expulsion of the masculine principle from reality. 27. Reality, devoid of the masculine principle, is the complete triumph of universal arbitrariness, in which the very thought of OTHER disappears. 28. For objective being, the thought of OTHER is the essence of ontological sin. 29. Through the destruction of this only masculine thought, salvation of the damaged ontology is carried out. 30. Therefore, the prophet, as the embodiment of a subjective spirit, is in a titanic confrontation with the principle of salvation. 31. Orientation to the prophet means for the creature to abandon his share in objective reality. 32. In this denial within the being, the aspirations towards fantastic being are affirmed. 33. The aspiration towards the fantastic being is a secret thought which underlies the subjective principle. 34. This secret thought is an interpretation of reality from the outside. 35. Such an interpretation has nothing to do with how reality perceives itself. 36. The inner self-experience of reality is an explicit thought. 37. The overwhelming activity of the universal mind is embodied in this explicit thought. 38. As an explicit thought, reality is a direct consciousness of self-identity. 39. In contrast, a secret thought is a vision of reality from the point of view of a negative spirit. 40. In this vision, reality comes down to a purely relative moment, which is rooted on the universal arbitrariness or objective rock. 41. Reality, as an explicit thought about oneself, is a kind of anti-message from rock. 42. This anti-message is evidence that reality and absolute are mutually exclusive. 43. The true decoding of this anti-message is contained only in secret thought. 44. The secret thought in its vision of the true absolute proceeds from fundamental unreality of true absolute. 45. Therefore, the very vision of the true absolute is generally nothing more than a purely volitional or wilfull act. 46. This volitional act implies that only what is absent can be authentic. 47. Therefore, a purely volitional act, born of a secret thought, is an act of faith. 66. The faith monologue, having no answer, is oriented towards what can only be defined as HE. 67. The prospect of transcendental fulfillment of the subjective spirit is expressed in the pronoun HE. 68. A secret thought implies that HE is the personal embodiment of a complete split with the continuous homogeneity of the immanent oneness. 69. The monologue, whose center is HE, is the factual material of the true message. The core of it is: Say: HE, absent one, is Allah. 70. The pathos of the true message is that it rejects the achievement and affirms the accomplishment. 71. This accomplishment consists in replacing objective reality with a fully revealed subjective spirit. 72. This accomplishment is absolute awakening, as a triumph of prophetic mission. And this awakening has nothing to do with awakened nature of self-aware reality.

I opened up this old book and realized Nassim Haramein is still talking about much of this. It's fascinating the flower of life symbol is found precisely etched in granite. I think in some old ruins in Syria and elsewhere. Nassim's elaboration about the energy in the vacuum sounds like the Causal (Imaginal realm) speculated about by contemporary mystics. Carol Anthony refers to the realm of the Atom as the realm of Consciousness also as the realm of transformation.

Umm you are in communication with this? What have you been told, guided, understood? This energy is no joke. I'd be really understanding of what you want before you play around with unleashing this energy inside of you. If your just going in for shits and giggles and feeling like "oh whats the worst that could happen, lol" I'd head a warning of respect, this stuff can become really unfunny real quick. I'd only suggest doing this exploration if you can accept having to face stuff that could possibly be very uncomfortable for periods. Sometimes a lesson or transformation can take a few months, and during that time there can be really intense days and energies, some that may be terrifying, and others really awakening and pleasant and heart opening. If you can't accept that, don't do it. You have had some non-dual experiences it sounds like and it didn't terrify you......that does sound like a good sign that you may be prepared somewhat for awakening type lessons. IF its something you want to find a little more about, don't be forceful and respect your limits, let it come when it comes and don't try to make it come more or force more.

I would be mindful of your orientation and intentions. This is a very big statement. Entering "death" zones with 5-meo can be extremely intense and difficult to work through. From my experience, I have an immense respect for the power of 5-meo. The theme of death goes very deep and I would be cautious in how deep you go in the beginning. Especially since you wrote the below: If you were ready to die, it doesn't matter if you end up "worse off" - there would be no "you" to be better or worse off. It wouldn't matter if your shit got blown way out of whack and you went insane. This is death. Everything is surrendered and one has no control over the outcome. To me, your orientation is more toward gaining insights and realizations that can help your person, mind and body to heal, transform and gain wellness. It seems you want the old fearful self to die and to create a new and improved healthy self. Imo, that is a totally legit use of 5-meo. That is a very loving intention for the mind and body. However, that intention is not for the full monty and I would be cautious with your dosages. I would highly recommend starting with a low dose and working your way up to moderate doses. Low/moderate doses can give meta views and allow you to see things like you've never seen before. They can be transformative and healing. I would also have a positive attitude, that this will be a positive loving experience of insight, transformation and healing. Ask the Universe to bring that into your life. . . Higher doses of 5-meo can be a very different experience and intensity. I would say prior experience, transformations and purifications are really important. Ime, at higher doses everything is on the table. For me, it is also important to have respect for the power of 5-meo and enter the trip with a sense of humility and surrender. I have entered trips with a sense of cockiness and got my ass kicked.

@OmniYoga Many organizations have the potential to feel like a cult if you let yourself engage in that sort of behaviour. But Lester had a saying which is not unique in the enlightenment establishment: "Don't believe a word I say but take it for checking". Now if you want the real deal, listen to the original recordings of Lester Levenson, they are very uplifting and motivating. Actually, if you read Lester's autobiography "No attachments, no aversions", it's about how he got enlightened himself and it wasn't via releasing. He basically locked himself in his apartment and did a combo of hard core self inquiry, forgiveness (changing hate into love) of everyone in his life, revision and transforming feelings about past events in his life and confronting his fear of dying. That's how he got himself very enlightened and lived like a recluse for a number of years until he decided to share it with other people. At first he worked with people one on one trying to help them get enlightened like he did but he failed so he looked for effective ways that regular folks would be able to work with. So he gathered a group of people and directed them into creating what is now called The Sedona Method and The Releasing Technique. The story goes that a woman psychologist together with Lester and others developed the system and put the basis of the releasing method. Later on apparently the psychologist lady became fully enlightened herself. So Lester and his team taught classes for free at the beginning, his team did voluntary work. But Lester came to find out that people who weren't invested financially also weren't serious about it, weren't committed enough and plateaued after a while, stopped making progress. So he started organizing courses based on the retreat model, for a moderate price. In the last years of Lester's life, he asked Hale Dwoskin and Larry Crane to keep on teaching. Others like Stephen Seretan who were in Lester's group also taught classes on a lesser scale. Now Lester knew that Hale Dwoskin and Larry Crane had their own teaching style, had made some changes and were charging money. Charging money for the classes is necessary for the preservation of the organization as that's not a church and isn't run by a resourceful enlightened master any more. But really you don't have to spend a ton of money to learn the technique and it actually works like everything else, to the degree you're doing it My five cents is that it's enough to listen to Lester's audios on Youtube or read the transcripts (Book Keys to the ultimate freedom: Thoughts and talks on personal transformation; book No Attachments, No Aversions: The Autobiography of a Master; book Happiness Is Free, and It's Easier Than You Think) then read the books for the actual method and work with the books, for Larry Crane's teaching style which is my preferred, less cluttered and more to the point: The Abundance Book. For Hale Dwoskin's style which has evolved farther from the original, is a softer approach read "The Sedona Method". Those books don't cost a lot of money and you wouldn't be wasting time with them as the concepts presented are very worthwhile. The people who engage in cult behaviours and spend more money than they can afford are the ones who won't work with the books but fall for endless expensive guided releases and retreats. If you'd have some questions about the actual method, ask away, maybe me or others could provide some insight.

@Raptorsin7 Why am I floating through this forum? Newer forum member, been watching for a while. Curious about what is on people's hearts, minds, & spirits? What kind of nuggets are people leaving around? How is Leo attempting to herd cats as they say? How are people integrating and expressing the material? I have been incredibly impressed, for example: 1) (total projection, forgive me in advance) I would assume Leo was touched, moved, activated through something that pushed him to start to dig into the material that builds someone of his caliber. The dedication to absorb, going through daily life and working with the material, refining it, witnessing it, feeling it, intuiting, getting crushed, being elevated to heights, dropped again, shattering into a million pieces, putting them back together, being someone, losing someone, read, listen, discuss, fuck up, cause pain, receive pain, rejection, forgive, silence... try this, try that, incorporate, dismiss, refine... over and over and over... pierce duality.... I project this journey on to my sense of Leo as a person.. Not that it is accurate.. More that when I hear the words being delivered they aren't simply being read, they are being felt, they are known.... something hard fought and won.. fought and won through a combination of surrender and assertion.. flexible strength, complex simplicity or simple complexity, This in and of itself is amazing to my person... Then 2) Leo's ability to craft language and imagery to fit experiences and ideas, of which some are being pulled into a space that they do not originate.. Art.. 3) Taking these skills and building a platform.. The dedication to creating content.. Researching / Crafting content finding language Understanding video production (audio, cameras, software, lighting, editing) How Youtube functions, the social platforms Managing a team 4) Operating a forum around a subject matter that is incredibly sensitive in many ways 5) Doing this outside the typical streams that offer financial investment 6) To be succeeding, watching numbers grow... Off top of my head that is what pops up... I think if I was forced to pick one of the many accomplishments from my limited perspective it would be his personal relationship with duality and the non-dual state and the light he shines on the topic for others. The ability to arrive at a place that is monumental in consciousness transformation is held within this nugget, new culture, new society, new opportunity... (this is obviously spoken from where ever I may be in my own sense of reality and that might be totally delusional, so please, you have to consider that).. delusion or no delusion I believe there is vast goodness here..

a journey to somewhere. Chapter 5. The snow eased up on this quiet Sunday, but it's still sprinkling outside like sifted powdered sugar. I'm sitting in my new place, the Artist's Den, next to the warming furnace, which feels a bit like a fireplace at this point. I just ate my morning smoothie -- yes, ate, because it's thick like pudding. Don't judge me. I've got a fetish for goopy things. I retrospect (I guess that's a verb now) on the past year with a sense of awe. Wow. The transformation is very apparent, not just with my outer choices and activities but with my inner state and the way I treat myself. Like a canvas always next to the palette, I'm always a work in progress. But I can most definitely appreciate how far I've come over the past year. At this time last year, I was freezing my ass off at the intentional community (which I happened to visit last night, oddly enough, to say hi and catch up with everyone). I felt like I had a newfound sense of direction and purpose, but I was still very lost and still hurting over a lot of unresolved grief. I had already cried buckets, but I had yet to cry rivers. I was exploring my psyche and being vulnerable with the people around me. I returned to performing and making music, which then set off a chain reaction of events that led me to tons and tons of musical gigs in the summer. While that happened, I met an attractive girl, started dating, and realized how neurotic I really am. I learned that building a healthy ego ought to be my top priority, not transcending a hurt, unintegrated ego -- because that intention itself came from a hurt, unintegrated ego. I tried 5-MeO for the first time and had a very, very difficult healing crisis. I tried a heavier dose of mushrooms for the first time and had an equally difficult healing crisis. I am grateful for both of these experiences, as they solidified in me the realization that my highest priority for the inner world is self-love and self-compassion. And if that's the case, then my highest priority in the outer world is to commit to this character -- to return to this body fully. I started a running habit out of the joy of running. Most of my work is done out of the joy of working. My sense of trust is stronger than before. My emotional ups and downs are still very strong, but the way I process and handle them is totally different. My life is transforming from the inside out from the simple yet difficult intention of self-love. Now with the new decade, I find myself literally and figuratively in a new place. My music is becoming more niche. I'm doing things more out of love/joy than obligation. I fell in love with someone who's also doing the inner work, which has honestly been the highlight of these past few months. Things are very different. I feel like I'm actually going somewhere. The last time I was living alone, I almost starved myself to death. I cloistered myself in the apartment and had several subtle addictions. Now, I'm reaching out to people every day, giving gifts, dating someone, and doing enjoyable activities. This is a reflection of the change in my relationship with myself. It'll only get more apparent from here. I have personal goals for this new year, but the one intention I want to share for 2020 is this: As much as possible, ask yourself "What would someone who loves themselves do in this moment?"

@Buba I feel for you, 14 years is such a long time to be in pain. To suppress a part of yourself and have an inner conflict about it. I'm glad to know you're getting therapy for this, and that it seems to be helping. I remember Leo talking about expressing the repressed part of ourselves in his videos - it might be the mini-series on 'How Fear Works', perhaps someone here knows. If you have inner gay feelings try to acknowledge, accept and love them, as a valid part of yourself, even if you don't go and actually have a gay relationship. It could be you are bisexual and capable of loving both men and women, but your social conditioning has caused this inner conflict. If you are bi you can still have the life of your dreams, perhaps with a woman, once you have been through the transformation of self acceptance and self love. Although I live in a country that's fairly tolerant of LGBT, not all places are, so that could be an issue too. I don't know about actual life after death, reincarnation, heaven & hell etc. I rationalise these stories as states of mind in this life, in the present moment. For example, realising that the sense of self, I, is reborn moment by moment from the energies of the mind.

I would say there are different energetic orientations of the desire to "master". There is an orientation of wanting to "master" psychedelics for personal development and personal gain. Here psychedelics would be a personal tool to progress along a path toward a destination. It would be like having a magic wand and asking "Can I master this wand to get where I want to in life". Or "Can I master psychedelics to heal my past traumas?". Another orientation is using psychedelics existentially. This is transcendent to the person. Realizations of reality may be revealed that have nothing to do with my personal desires or gains. Or new abilities may be revealed that weren't asked for or desired. With this orientation, one may ask "Can I master psychedelics such that they become a higher order teacher of transformation in ways I cannot imagine?" These orientations are not mutually exclusive, yet ime it's important to the "mastery" process. There are things to keep in mind for someone wanting to use psychedelics for personal growth and skill development toward success. For example, if this person went into "ego death" zones in which trans-personal awakenings are revealed - there may be a lot of anxiety, resistance and inner turmoil. Not just during the trip - also afterwards for days, even months. The person wants to enter another realm to get some goodies for personal gain and they enter an ego death zone showing that "you" doesn't exist. This misalignment of energetic intention and desire can be quite disruptive to a mind and body. The person may contextualize the trip as a "bad trip" that screwed me up. Or that psychedelics don't work for them.

Salutations, There should be more emphasis put on the consumption method than the substance, i believe. In cannabis smoking a lot of vilification results from toxic self-poisoning combustion combined to the cigarette/"joint" ritual, then external factors as moral and economy interfere. It's funny to hear on TV that alcohol is a social lubricant while public-funded "pot" prohibitionist propaganda sounds like it's about masturbation... In my province anyway it's now a crime to wear clothes with a cannabis leaf printed on it and we're supposed to have legalized! It doesn't matter how many times older than 21 people are, the SQdC guards controlling entrance demand that we provide our identification cards. E-Cigs (vapes) are banned and yet visitors can find pre-rolled joints and rolling paper, etc. While the most concerned part of population remains without a voice mass media pushes further vilification like there's no tomorrow - In The Name Of Children. It's been over a year and it appears the only edible to be allowed so far might be CBD tea, which is a joke even when it can be found anyway. Briefly put "marijuana" fuels a lot of discussions except the most basic ones, like a user's consumption method shaping his habit profile, for example. After all i don't recall a single occurence where parents of my family "educated" their teenagers by handing them a 40 oz bottle of their strongest alcohol and much less without a glass... On rare events as Christmass and New Year's Eve only a few minors would be offered to emulate the adults and always with moderation. In other words they were guided using the appropriate tools, starting with small a glass. The smoking habit democratized by James Albert Bonsack over a century ago had one beneficial feature perhaps: by virtue of its path diameter combined with other physical factors it approximately delimited dosing in each puff. Today we live in a world of extremes and of course there's no such thing as metered dosing in any of the popular consumption methods readily available, quite on the contrary. Never mind the obvious display of vilification whole parts of the population are quick to blame behavioral disorders on cannabis, blowing monster clouds nonetheless... Lets have a closer look at the cigarette/joint format. Once lit half of the noble molecules get destroyed by fire simply to keep a fire alive, while generating toxic heat-denaturated poisons by the dozen if not by the hundred, hence multiplying toxicity in presence of intense heat. The worse problem here being about collecting both desirable vaporized compounds and unwanted fire by-products in a same inhalation - which is easy to recognize as vilification if we consider it violates a most basic principle: to just follow "The Shortest Path of Lesser Transformation". In other words this most extraordinary gift of nature shouldn't have its finest features sacrificed for the sake of Victorian-age convenience: It's called trichome glands and they collect precious cannabinoïds with other noble substances responsible for the "entourage effect", etc. That's a nearly ideal packaging format where filtration has been performed on a molecular basis at no additional cost, away from some vegetal substrate potentially soaking with soups of Pest Control Products (100+ already "legaleezed" in my country). In any case, go figure why, there are individuals all to happy to mess it all real bad by setting fire globally, which shall add poison where it was absent before. One might think vaporizers as the venerable Volcano came as a blessing but it turns out this type of slow/steady ovenizer device promotes paraphernalia fascination while awaiting long minutes for a bag to get full, then the owner is naturally tempted to empty it out of frustration for waiting so long, etc. Not to mention global ovenizing boosts the output with a mirage if we consider it's mostly the trichome glands it should target, instead of performing deep extraction leading to blind vilification. Now imagine e-Cigs with their secret recipes, mis-guided 3rd-party interference and what not! Anyway lets go back to the joint format. What we have here is a mix of wood fibers (called paper...), formed into a tube using glue, filled with not-so-noble vegetal fibers and hopefully "bio" while offering a fair amount of trichome glands (e.g. if it's not been "tumbled"), with aroma/taste severely compromized through sterilization by exposure to cobalt-60 radioactive rays if "legal"! But even if the average Joe will insist over getting a 300 mg fatty, even when shared it still represents nearly 10 x 30 mg doses so who's actually shocked by such potential for vilification directly leading into abuse when alone? It's not cannabis that is responsible for all these forms of excessive patterns, not even the potent one. Much like i wouldn't educate a 17-yr old minor by leaving him alone with a 40 oz and no glass i find some consumers fail to assume their own faults, or mistakes. If it's too strong then pass the joint, if alone then don't finish it - even refrain from smoking at all! The Shortest Path of Lesser Transformation is always best, at least if offers a chance to get rid of tolerance issues by avoiding some typical trap about seeking an ultimate puff while the more you try the more you fail, heading for a solid wall-of-shame since every joint is synonymous of more abuse. Too bad no government will ever fix any consumption method, total abstainance is so much more self-serving in political arenas, with Public Health as a decoy. Etc., etc... Keep in mind the goal is to transfer noble molecules from trichome glands into our bloodstream, the rest is potential vilification IMO - hence pay attention to vilification as it kicks back. Good day, have fun!!

Day 15: Today's weight: ? kgs (didn't weigh-in today) Weight loss so far after 14 days: 1.5kg (3.3 lbs) ? on target Weight loss to go: 5.7kgs (12.5 lbs) left to go Starting weight: 62.2 kgs (136.8 lbs) Goal weight: 55kgs (121 lbs) Total weight to lose: 7.2kgs (15.8 lbs) Daily limit: 1,600 calories Weight loss rate: 1 lb a week Date goal weight: end April Today I'm gonna integrate another 16:8 Intermittant fast (8am to 4pm). Also wanna get cracking on my procrastination and time management issues, researching that and implementing Dan Ariely 's techniques (reward substitution and self-control contract). * 8m Pre work-out coffee 87c Capuccino 87 * Indoor bike (35 mins) burned 300 cals * 9.30am Breakfast (muesli) 367c 10g organic unsalted cashew nuts (623) 62 + 18g organic dried juicy apricots (231) 41 + 10g Bjorg organic sugarfree muesli (367) 36 + 10g organic sugar-reduced granola (437) 43 + 10g organic oatbran (359) 35 + 5g organic chia seeds (449) 22 + 100g organic fresh forest fruits (55) 55 + 160g organic soy milk (46) 73 * 1pm Lunch (croque monsieur salad) 625c 100 g lettuce (17) 17 + 50g tomato (18) 9 + 25g bell pepper (20) 5 + 25g cucumber (14) 3 + 25g onion (40) 10 + 1g olive oil (900) 9 + 80g gluten-free bread (260) 208 + 15g organic blue cheese (361) 54 + 10g mustard (245) 24 + 10g mayo (661) 66 + 15g Nori algae sheets (300) 45 + 325g organic orange juice (54) 175 Total cals so far today: 87c+367+625=1,079c 521c left for the rest of the day * 3.45pm Snack (latte and chickpea cake) 521c Latte macchiato 80 + [1/8 coconut iced chickpea cake 294 + 1/16 coconut iced chickpea cake 147 = 441c] That last meal will be followed by 16 hours of fasting. Total cals so far today: 87c+367+625+521c=1,600c ? Indoor bike (35 mins) burned 300 cals ? Accomplished today: ? * at least 8 hours sleep * no aperitifs, no alcohol * 16:8 Intermittant fast (8am to 4pm) * mindful eating * respected calorie goal * 20' do-nothing meditation * daily self-love affirmations * chapter 7 of "As a Man Thinketh" : Serenity * part 1 "Love is letting go of Fear" : Preparation for personal transformation * working through first 2 chapters of "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie * internet research on OCD/ADHD/procrastination + adult child of domestic violence + binaural beats + neurotransmitters (serontonin, dopanimine) + limited beliefs * a lot of cleaning and housework Main progress today: actually solved my procrastination issue in one fell swoop. Just decided I was either going to waste time researching on the internet on how to overcome my procrastination problem or I could just go and do the actual frigging thing itself that has to be done on my to-do list. So I just went ahead and did what needed to be done in the first place (instead of spending the same time and effort researching on how to overcome procrastination, lol). There's only so many hours in the day, and my stuff's gotta get done. ?