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@Bill W Lol yeah we're all religious here. Even if your an atheist your still either a Catholic or protestant hahahaha no joke ? it's more like culture lol People who misinterpret god and his clues become religious, acting as though they have been transformed when no such transformation has legitimately taken place. The ironic thing is, we are the real Christian's or I could say, we are the real Christ's. And of course this is exactly how Jesus had it. He rebelled against the religion of the day (jewdism) because people were so concerned with looking good that they never really actually met God (this applies with jewdism and christianity). John 5:39-40 Jesus said "You study the Scriptures diligently because you think that in them you have eternal life. But the scriptures point to me! Yet you refuse to come to me to have life." It's like a man who knows he *has* to get a wife to have a family and he goes above and beyond to provide for her in every way, slaving as his treacherous job making sure to put incredible amounts of effort into not saying the wrong thing around her. He wrecks himself with being perfect to her, and in all of this he forgets that if he stopped forcing himself to trying to be perfect all the time with his good works and instead spent some time with the actual girl, he would fall in love with her and his physical works would flow effortlessly and *more perfectly* to her. This is exactly the difference between religion and relationship with God. People are so busy trying to please god, that they miss god! If they only stopped pretending like they didn't still have "sinful desires" and actually spent some time with God himself, alone...they'd fall in love with him and their works would be good effortlessly. It's a beautiful picture.

Hello Seekers, Marking my first post on this forum, I share some recent experiences. This is a long post. I assure that you will likely find it to be worth the read by the end. I divide it into 8 sections. 1. Background context 2. Ayahuasca: healing and insights into non-duality 3. Being allured by the devil, choosing to invite him in. 4. Final realizations 5. Current situation, Reflections, and Speculations 6. Acknowledgements 7. Plan for redemption 8. Note to the reader 1. Background context (quickly) 21 year old male. Relatively early on in spiritual development. I have followed Leo increasingly over the past three years. In the past 4-6 months the seeker within me has grown significantly. I have consumed many of Leo’s videos and read many of your posts here on the forum. I have commenced with reading the booklist and have sought out larger perspectives and concepts. Over the past three years I have experienced a wide variety of psychedelics (to quickly list them: 5 MEO DMT, Ayahuasca, MDMA, Psilocybin, LSD, Ketamine, 2CB, 2CE, etc.). Apart from a temporary full awakening experience (non-dual God realization) very early on (while on 5 MEO), I have not had an enormous amount of personal transformation. My transformation has only start to begin recently, when the seeker within me grew significantly stronger, leading me to start other practices. My awareness and quality of life has significantly improved since commencing Kriya Yoga practice 10 weeks ago. Finally, I bring your attention to my PMO addiction issue, which has plagued my life for quite some time. I have realized elimination of this would be for the best but have failed to do so. 2. Ayahuasca: healing and insights into non-duality Now to current events. I just had the opportunity to spend a week in the Netherlands (NL). With friends (also spiritual seekers), we planned to trip on psychedelics during this week (in the correct setting: alone, in darkness). First up was Ayahuasca. For this I put decent days of preparation in, regarding diet, and abstaining from drugs and masturbation. My intentions before I began the trip were: 1. Address my PMO addiction 2. Contemplation of non-duality and attaining insights. This turned out to be the most healing and directly insightful trip of my life. I had several insights through direct experience. The biggest one being that the entire point of life is for God to re-remember itself during the unfolding of life. In addition, we are the creators of our lives, directly choosing what manifests in the world. These insights were beyond mind-blowing, and contemplation of their implications across numerous domains yielded extreme results. I realized the insight of I AM. I AM all that is or could be. I was overcome with Self-Realization. My heart burst with passion and unconditional love. I felt equivalent to the poems of Rumi, the clearest articulation of pure devotion to the world. Following this, I went into 20 mins of cosmic body orgasm, cleansing me totally, and of my dysfunctional sexual energy buildup. The next morning, I felt positively transformed but immediately felt ego backlash come on. The ego wanted its’ desires satisfied, and now. The day after this, I drank Ayahuasca again, knowing that I could contemplate my new insights even further. I ascended to a minorly high state of consciousness, allowing further contemplation of my new insight, resulting in basking in Self-Love. However, the brew turned out far weaker this time around, leading to a largely underwhelming trip. 3. Being allured by the devil. Inviting him in. Following the second Ayahuasca trip, everything was still going fine. I was in touch with my newly-realized Love and could emanate this. I felt more authentic in my interactions. Though, it felt the ego backlash was still present. This period was quite pleasant until I really fucked up. I was trying to take a nap the day after the second Ayahuasca trip. I rationalized to myself to fap to porn to assist me in falling asleep (being recently so immersed in the Absolute, I made the mistake of thinking I could do anything in the relative). I proceeded to follow through with my plan. I thought nothing of it. Though a deep part of me certainly knew what I did was wrong. Another planned trip was 5MEO during my time in NL. So, thinking nothing of it, I proceeded to do c. 22mg intranasally 30 mins after my fap. What followed was the most terrifying ordeal of my life. Tying in with my realization of the mechanics of Self-Creation on the first Ayahuasca trip, I realized I had just sold my soul to the devil through my fap 30 mins prior. Having been at a place of higher awareness than I ever have been before due to the first Ayahuasca trip, the fact that I traded this for simple pleasure was agonizing. The ignorance and impurity of what I had done shot me right through the deepest part of my soul. I had let the Devil in through the simplest of rationalizations. Though, despite the Devil working through deception, I chose it. This was what made the experience so entirely unbearable. I instantly understood the imagery of those in Dante’s circles of Hell, damned there for eternity for losing themselves to lust and pleasure. I understood it so well because this was where my soul now resided. I immediately recognized the implications of this for every aspect of my life. I was deeply broken in the deepest sense. I was no longer the same person. My soul was not mine anymore. I was filled with impurity to my core. It appeared I was eternally damned. Suicide was likely what was in store for me, as I could not take the agony of my own ignorance. I pictured myself as Nietzche, having gone mad, through peering too far into the abyss and not re-emerging. In the deepest sense I now understood the following two quotes (Jung’s quote of the soul reaching all the way to hell was agonizing apparent): “The line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either -- but right through every human heart -- and through all human hearts. This line shifts. Inside us, it oscillates with the years. And even within hearts overwhelmed by evil, one small bridgehead of good is retained.” Alexander Solzhenitsyn “No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.” Carl Jung I slowly exited the trip, the suffering still deep in my soul. To shift from Unconditional Love to this state within 48 hours was unthinkable. Since, this pain has largely remained. I am merely trying to fend it off. I know that the more it affects me, the more power the Devil / Weticko (see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGJCJSwWyE8) has over me. 4. Final realizations (48 hours later) To mark the last day of my trip in NL, my friends and I took MDMA. When it hit, I became acutely aware of the evil spirits in my soul. The feeling was sickening. Naturally, I screamed in agony for 15 mins, to try to purge myself of the evil spirits. However, this effort was futile. The spirits were too strongly entrenched in my soul. I did realize the similarity of my situation to Jung’s descent into madness during his time of writing the Red Book. Also, the descent of Shamans into the underworld during their training. The successful Shamans were the ones to emerge again. I also understood Jung stance on psychedelics: being dangerous if too much of the collective psyche gets into an individual’s personal unconscious (this was now the case for me). I realized I would have to return to the depths of hell to defeat this evil. I was reminded of when Jesus was tempted by the Devil in the desert. I was no Jesus, I failed the test. 5. Current Situation, Reflections, Speculations It is now 48 hours after I have returned from NL. I am under more distress than I ever been in my life. I am due to start a new internship tomorrow and am highly doubtful as to it turning out well. I am not in my normal state of mind. Functioning properly will be very difficult. My soul feels fragmented. I have certainly been corrupted by the Devil / Weticko. Though, I am unsure if energy-feeding beings have also attached themselves to me. This very well might be the case. See: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9PC4V_IWtg. I fear I may have to go through the process of Shamanistic healing known as Soul Retrieval. It feels like my personal power have certainly diminished. Despite this hardship and loss of control, my will is strong. I am not going down with this parasite I have invited into myself. I will face it and come out better the other side. I speculate that I have accumulated a lot of bad Karma because of my impure action (especially at heightened state of awareness), and I am storing this in my mental and energetic bodies. My plan for resolution is to drink Ayahuasca again in NL within one week and face the parasite. I know I must accept the evil in my soul if I am to return to non-duality. However, I hear if it is an entity feeding off me, it should be banished (see the video linked above). So, the contradiction of accepting the evil vs banishing it has me slightly confused. In any case, I feel from my depths that I can resolve this. I now know how evil (the ego) was running me and no longer want any part in it. The Absolute Good is stronger than the ego in me. Though, I must address the issue before losing hope or becoming weaker. 6. Acknowledgments - This entire issue is self-created. I chose to invite the Devil into my soul because of my own actions. If I had simply addressed my impurity beforehand, none of this would have occurred. - Good / Evil exist in duality. Non-Duality is Truth. However, evil certainly exists subjectively in the collective psyche, and now my personal psyche. I feel this must be resolved before I return to Non-Duality. - My recklessness and arrogance in my psychedelic usage. Beware of ego backlash on this journey! In future, I will have far greater respect for their usage. - Many people would now consider me to be insane if I were to explain the source of my suffering. I would likely be labelled with some sort of psychiatric disorder. 7. Plan for Redemption I have mentioned my plan to drink Ayahuasca again in NL within a week. Until then, I must bear my suffering. I will lower the intensity of my Kriya Yoga and meditation practices. I also will research information on the topics of: 1. Spiritual Emergencies 2. Religious Symbology of Good + Evil 3. Exorcism / Shamanic Healing 4. Descent and Re-emergence from the underworld/madness. I’ve also contacted a therapist to assist in preventing the PMO issue from ever surfacing again. I hope they will function as an accountability partner and provide me with CBT. 8. Note to the reader To all of you, I thank you for any input you may have. I hope this post functions to make you more mindful of your impurities before venturing too far down this path. I likely won’t be able to respond in-depth, if at all, to your replies until this is resolved. I will certainly read them though.

@eputkonen If direct experience (another way of saying imagination) isnt real, than nothing is which would make this whole conversation merely semantics. We already know scientifically that there is no foundational reality to "stuff" and "things" but so what? How is this not just mental masturbation? Once someone realizes the illusory nature of reality, the illusion doesnt go away. I agree with Taoism that the illusion ideally needs to be flowed with. If one decides that they reject the illusion, then it is their personal Tao to simply wait to die without taking full opportunity for evolution. We could debate as to whether "evolution" is "real" (whatever "real" means) but my flow in this incarnation is geared towards my highest possible evolution in this incarnation. Yes, physical death is merely a process of transformation but that was not what this post was originally about. It was about people's aversion to that transformation. With that said, I agree that what most people project upon that transformation just ends up being delusion rooted in programmed animal instincts to survive. Im not disagreeing with your position on non-duality....Im just saying that once someone understands it, it becomes irrelevant after that point.

In regards to Inquiry and meditation, and in the category of less is more, a friend sent me this quote recently. I think it's from Cynthia Bourgeault. So right on, but easier said than done. “Anguish is where transformation occurs; in meditation, don’t bypass pain, rather sit with it and transform it. “

There is a lot of talk about different timelines in the alternative community. Are there actual parallell timelines? My view is that no, there is only one timeline. However there is also I believe a transformation going on in the world from a "caterpillar" stage into a "butterfly" stage as Dr. Bruce Lipton has talked about. In that sense there are different "dimensions" or timelines. As an example one person may be spiritually enlightened while another person is still in ego consciousness. Both persons are a part of the same timeline yet experience different perspectives. So yes, if timeline means perspective, they can exist in parallel. And interestingly, it's even possible to experience a little bit of "dimension" shift and "parallel timeline". As Eckhart Tolle said in this video, the awareness of one's own thoughts is already a stepping out of the old ego consciousness:

As @Meetjoeblack said - sure, forgive her, in your own mind, and move on. Forgiving the other person makes you forgive yourself and undestand yourself better - because it's not always one's person's fault 100% (don't blame yourself tho). It also makes thoughts about this person dissapear from your mind and that way you use that energy for productive thoughts to push your life forward. Esoterically speaking, I heard that focusing on someone and thinking about them is like sending them free energy and I must say - this theory might be actually true - how many times you heard a story about a "boy that became a man after breakup epic transformation hype montage". The moment, when you stop focusing on others and start thinking and acting for your own good is the moment you become unstoppable. Good luck, stay strong. PS. About the love part you still see there, watch this, it might be it (it was in my case) : Aka - bitch loved me so much and didn't love herself at all, that she did some nasty shit, just to make me suffer, just to test my love. Nevertheless - that's fucked up shit, I'm out

@modmyth I had a quick read. I have no issues discussing sexual topics in a graphic way, when exploring some of the physiological aspects of Kundalini, it is absolutely necessary. As for me, personally, I feel very far removed from the topic of sexual intercourse in general, as I'm no longer sexually active. Not because of my age (I'm 40), but because of the way the Kundalini mechanism is playing out in me, diverting all my sexual energies and substances towards a higher purpose. I believe there is an evolutionary purpose to all this and my whole being is currently under transformation, being upgraded, so to speak. According to Gopi Krishna, there are times during the Kundalini transformation process, when all the energy being generated by the genitals is needed to feed said process and all of it is diverted towards the brain. He says that this can be reversed, for instance, when the practitioner wishes to procreate, however, I've never tried it, so I can't be sure. Regarding energy work, I get the impression, that your general, relentless horniness is a sign of the rising Kundalini stimulating the lower chakras, especiallly the second and third one. If you were to raise your energies higher, your urges would gradually dissipate and mellow out. But, I'm guessing, that you are perhaps happy the way you are.

I think your niche is something that has serious drawing power on you, something that you were destined to do. We're not blank slates, we have a history, a make up and are drawn to certain things. Fundamentally the world is unbiased, but no matter how hard we try, we will always be biased, the world has things in it that are close to our heart, that matter to us in ways other things just don't. Personally, I haven't found my niche, but I can feel very deeply the things that matter most to me, that define me as who I am and that connection is always emotional. The most powerful of phrasing of niches, I personally found in Robert Greene's Mastery. Here are some examples: -a fascination with invisible forces that governed the universe (Einstein) -The sensation of creating and animating life -Giving a voice to powerful emotions All these people fulfilled their niche in a certain way by being a physicist, a film director, or a jazz musician for the previous examples respectively. They had a certain hook in life, a connection with some aspect of it. If you feel deeply you can probably figure out yours too. It will have a drawing power, like you know how and what to be, a vision. From David Deida's Way o/t Superior Man, I learned that people can go through multiple purposes and niches. When you pursue the depths of yourself in this way for a few years, you will sense a change, different things will catch your interest. You have effectively broken through your purpose and can shed it like old skin, and you will have to look in the depths of yourself again to figure out a new niche/purpose in life. I think this is why some people are much more advanced than others, a life lived pursuing the depths of yourself both on the spiritual path and in the world (life-purpose), transforms you. The deeper the path, the greater the transformation. It is easy to tell when people are living from the heart and when they are not, everybody has their tsunami, often it's hiding just below sea level.

Just appreciate how incredibly complex the circumstances - causes and effects, the coming from's, the life events, the going to's - are that are needed in order to trigger awakening into such a consciousness that is required in order to allow people to let go of what they know and to allow themselves to become something else, something more complex. We can't demand that from anyone. If we manange to achieve such a transformation in anyone, that is a divine achivement in itself

https://eand.co/why-self-help-is-mostly-self-destructive-bs-822af0aa85df I apologize. I didn't notice I didn't paste the link. This is the article. I understand very well what you are saying. I am working hard on improving myself, and everything else I do, except for my lazy days when I am too depressed to be bothered ( less days than they used to be, although more intense - everything is more intense now). I was curious about opinions on his perspective : the social situation which creates the vicious circle of more hard work. I can feel he's pointing to something. What I appreciate most about self help work is that you actually get to know the self, and if you keep looking, maybe the Self as well. And that is something people are missing in their lives. And sometimes I feel they get lost in the hard work for transformation and end up rejecting self. I have to agree that a lot of suffering people experience is a consequence of a poorly organized social system. At the same time, society is formed out of self and Self. How could you improve it if you don't understand your self, let alone the Self?

Exactly when is the Pluto-Saturn conjunction? Is this assassination not attributable? Conjunction is on January 12 which happens to be Jeff Bezos birthday (see last article). Saturn Conjunct Pluto 2020 Saturn conjunct Pluto 2020 shows a stellium including the Sun, Mercury, Saturn, Pluto and Ceres, all square Eris. In mundane astrology, which governs world events, Saturn conjunct Pluto represents large organizations like multinational corporations, superpower countries, the UN, NATO, WHO and trading blocs. Saturn conjunct Pluto also concentrates power and is anti-democratic. Expect propaganda from leaders about power plays, world trade, genetically modified foods, and climate change. There will be debates, announcements or agreements about these things. The masses will be skeptical and protest the changes being forced on them. China will expand its power and influence in an attempt to overtake the U.S.A. as the dominant superpower. Jupiter in the China horoscope is at 22°35′ Capricorn. The concentration of power will also be evident within China through the suppression of minorities, concentration camps, capital punishment and the use of surveillance software for social credit scoring. The 2020 ”Societal Reset” & “The Great Transformation“ 2020-2030 The 2020 Jupiter-Saturn-Pluto Synods square Eris with Ceres, Mars, Pallas & Chariklo ~ A Societal Reset ~ Including The 2021 Jupiter-Uranus and Saturn-Uranus Squares ~ Disruptive Technologies & the emergence of a new Sociopolitical-Economic Paradigm ~ & The Pluto-Eris Square & the Pluto-Eris ~359-year cycle and the global financial system. ©2015-2019, Nick Anthony Fiorenza, All Rights Reserved I like this one for his readability and thoughtful predictions. https://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrEeBnoZxBe12QAnzgPxQt.;_ylu=X3oDMTEycDZlOG5iBGNvbG8DYmYxBHBvcwMzBHZ0aWQDQjg0OTJfMQRzZWMDc3I-/RV=2/RE=1578162281/RO=10/RU=https%3a%2f%2fmedium.com%2f%40astrodrew%2fjupiter-saturn-pluto-conjunction-in-january-2020-will-rock-your-world-97b4bab0d810/RK=2/RS=WuTLVYyLwzhxYFTZ5G88M_a3JcQ-

Another thing with a beginner's mind is that it may be necessary for an evolutionary TRANSFORMATION! Think of the ego mind as a caterpillar mind and the group mind as a butterfly mind. The ego mind needs to be completely transformed, including all its concepts, in order to become a butterfly mind. The group mind is a much higher level of mind so the concepts will be much more advanced and harmonious. It's about a transformation rather than destruction, and it will be integral transcend and include of the ego mind. It still requires a total dissolvement of the ego concepts though. For example the ego might like Coca-Cola and after the transformation the ego will still like Coca-Cola but the concept has then become recontextualized into a vastly bigger and collective context. And not only a beginner's mind. Also a beginner's heart, a beginner's body awareness, a beginner's social interactions, a beginner's choice-making, a beginner's emotions and so on. In practice I will test this by relaxing my own willpower.

On Nakedness sometimes i wonder what is the relationship between Sex and being naked - is there any? Traditional sense of sex implies that one has to be nude in order to have sex. So sex includes nakedness. But is the nakedness include being sexual? I think not. When i am naked, i do not necessarily feel like a sexual being although i know that i can feel like that if i want to. I think being sexual while being nude is a choice, neither a necessity nor inevitable. Sometimes i try to be naked just to feel what it feels like. What i have discovered is that there is a difference of feeling while in cloth or being naked. When i am naked, i feel connected to the nature. Somehow it feels raw, although i can not describe the feeling properly. Also, when i am naked i can see that i do not look at my full body. It feels great to look at my cock just the sake of looking at itself other than peeing, masturbating or bathing. A body part of myself just hanging around outwardly yet so much connected inwardly. It is not aroused, not erected - just like soft small tail. I am thinking on the transformation of the cock from non sexual to sexual position. How it changes physically as well as emotionally is just amazing. I will write about it surely.

@Aaron p You received more insights from DMT than hardcore daily practice, which totally makes sense. What about long term transformation? Did DMT provide more of that than daily practice?

Steps 10 & 11: a Zen Christian’s journey in love, paradox and union.. Hello peeps! There are few things more clichéed than someone making great vows to improve their habits in the new year…. so here I go with a new journal… I’ve been sober in recovery for some years now, and I’m guessing some folks here will already know that the 12 Steps are essentially a spiritual program. I’m gonna use this space to keep track of my actions and progress on Stepds 10 and 11: 10 Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Over the years I’ve made forays into many different spiritual paths, but these last few years I seem to have found the path that works for me in a combination of Soto Zen and Christian meditation… I’m much taken with the work and ideas of teachers like Thomas Merton and Richard Rohr.. So over the course of 2020 I’m aiming to update here each day on my practice and experience, both in meditation and ‘off the cushion’. The measure of a spiritual life is not in what happens ‘on the cushion’ but what happens away from it. After all, if I’m not growing in love and connectedness, both with my fellows and the world, what’s the point of my practice? If there’s one thing I’m pretty certain on about spiritual growth, it’s that paradox is a fundamental aspect of life, of reality and of the spiritual journey. I really see this in the contradiction between deliberate effort and self-dicipline, on one hand, and surrender, on the other. Real transformation isn’t something I can bring about in myself by force of will and rigorous self-dicipline, but by the same token effort and ‘doing the work’ is necessary. Similarly, surrender and self-emptying aren’t things I can ‘achieve’ so much as they are things that happen to me, or envelop me, gradually if I I’m in the right state of openness, readiness and consciousness… ... bla blah blah,.. me me me …. anyhoo… thanks for reading… I’m looking forward to sharing my journey with you, and sharing in yours, in the months ahead… I expect I have a lot to learn from you all, and I hope I can contribute a little bit as you all find you way along your respective journeys too.. Love, Lucas

@Bennn "is there ultimately any reason for me to fear doing the "wrong" thing. Again, I grew up with strong morals - so I'm not about to start being evil, but there are a number of goals that I have which would be furthered through dishonesty and/or selfishness." I was raised christian as well (protestant). So I had to contemplate my ass out of religion one day at a time and it took quite a while. Your talking about morals. See the thing is, Christian's talk about becoming transformed, about dying and being born again into holiness and purity of heart. But there's one problem. There is no real transformation. Which is why christian teachers *have* to teach heavily about morality. If you were really transformed, you would produce holy works effortlessly. And if you ask many Christian's if their good works are effortless (if they're being honest) they will say "no, it's very difficult to keep doing good works and keep avoiding bad works." When there is a true transformation that happens deep down at the root of your being, that rips out your old sinful nature and replaces it with a holy nature, holy works follow effortlessly. Let me ask you this. If I had an apple tree planted in my garden, it will produce apple trees. If I then went to the Apple tree, tore it out of the ground from it's roots and replaced it with a pear tree...would it be extremely difficult for this pear tree to produce pears and not produce apples? Would it required constant effort to not produce apples? No, because a true transformation has taken place. Ephesians 2:9 "Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done..." Only by dying (and being born again) can our works change. Seek first the kingdom of God and *his* righteousness (not your own self righteousness) and all these things shall be added onto ye. Belief isint powerful enough to bring this radical transformation. Salvation is enlightenment and you are Jesus. Do not concern yourself with morality. Live in effortlessness and change will come *if* you "become transformed by the renewal of your mind." Roman's 12:2. Being good won't get you to God, it will distract you from God because of how focused you are on yourself. Get to god by dying (becoming enlightened) then (like Jesus) you will be born again, a second time and your works will be holier accidentally. Your good works are like filthy rags. This guy (Andrew wommack) is a Christian teacher but his teachings are mystical to a degree. He is the one god used to loosen my grip on religion (Andrew claims to hate religion). This is one of his videos about effortless change.

Sexual Energy Transformation : A big Challenge as i have mentioned above, i have tried many times to transform sexual energy but failed ultimately with little success. If i do not ejaculate for 2 days, i can feel that sexual energy builds up. Suppose i have just ejaculated. Then it will take atleast 24 hours to feel aliveness in my cock. Then, slowly, i can feel that an energy is on the process of building up in my genital area. In this building up period, i can feel my sensitivity and horniness is building up. It feels like the energy is rising upward, from my cock to naval to heart and finally, my head. It usually happens within 48 hours. From this time, i feel super excited, horny, intelligent,productive etc. Its a feeling of total ALIVE *-* the real practice begins from here. In this time, my mind can get distracted. I am always thinking about sex. Even a picture of a girl can give me an erection. My cock in this phase gets super hot and hard. Its the time to penetrate- this message can be felt quite clearly. But within 72 hours, it can get quite irritating. It starts to feel like prison. Like you have some delicious food in front of you but can not eat it. Within 96 hours it feels like hell. I usually loose my concentration and obsessed about sex. Its like i want to penetrate like hell. I get usually impatient and desperate in this period. One might think if he have sex in this time frame he will have amazing sex. But i don't think that is true. I think if i put my cock in a pussy in this time, i will immediately loose my seed. It will be very bad sex. As far as remember, i lasted highest for 7-8 days. Then i couldn't bear anymore and ejaculated. The sperm level is too much high if i wait that long. And when it comes out, it gets shoot out at an usual distance. This release calms the mind. But after some time, i realize that i have lost the battle. I have tried to hold semen for several times and tried many techniques. I will write about it in the future.

These are a few of my personal insights. Although I wouldn't recommend believing my insights, listen to what I say then go to God to see if they are true for yourself. ; On the seekers path nothing should be prevented. You should not change the way you act. If you want to change the way you act, go to church. Forcing yourself to act in a way that contradicts what you actually feel is, in my opinion, just lying to yourself. This is exactly what religious people do. They aren't truly transformed so they have to funnel loads of energy into making sure they look like they have been transformed. If I want to steal money, I steal it. If I want to over eat I over eat. If I want to diet to look better so I can have more sex, I diet. If I want to do drugs I do them. If I want to stop doing drugs because it increases my anxiety, I stop them. The way things are, are the way things are. And the reason I hold to this philosophy, is because it sings the vibration of AUTHENTICITY. Before someone changes they must first be real with themselves. The first step in the process of true, deep transformation...is embracing the fact that you are currently not yet transformed. Evil and selfishness has a process of it's own and just denying it's existence will only make it build up until it bursts and creates a bigger mess. Evil is a part of life. In the world there is intelligent good and evil groups, leaders, gangs etc. The good *co-operates* with the evil because pretending it isint there doesn't stop it and stamping it out causes it only to rise elsewhere. Cut one head off and three more will rise. Here in northern Ireland the police and crime oriented paramilitary organisations coexist and cooperate in the same space. 50 years ago protestant UVF (Ulster volunteer force) police inspectors would talk with and cooperate with dangerous paramilitary commanders involved with the IRA (Irish Republican army) instead of just trying to out right destroy them. Because they would simply rise elsewhere. Evil has it's right place. Learn how to co-operate with it.

@mandyjw In that precise moment; pain, agony and terror. Otherwise I have mixed feelings about it. At times I'm terrified, other times amazed. I can sense things shifting internally now, as I shared this. It helps. I am simply here to experience life. @Raptorsin7 Well, to me, posting something like this here is a part of my "shadow work." It's about transforming fear. Shining light onto the darkness, if you will. So that once an aspect is healed, I can move on freely - however that may look. @Serotoninluv Thanks, that was quite soothing. You're right - I definitely have a heavy, serious approach to things at times. I do want to experience lighter states. And I also do, quite often. This is just how my process of transformation looks like. Appreciate your help.

Haha, military bootcamp! https://www.healthline.com/health/how-many-times-should-you-chew-your-food#how-many-times-to-chew For me, it's all about conscious and mindful eating right now, I've lessons to learn and am getting interested in digestion and the gut's link to the brain, etc,. The counting helps slow down the whole process (meals last longer!) which is what I need at the moment (I've gone deeper into the rationale behind this goal more fully here in this Journal when I started this challenge). 30 chews? It didn't feel very natural at first but now I find it's not too difficult chewing my food that amount of times, even when I'm doing something else at the same time. And if macrobiotics is anything to go by, "30" is mere amateurism, a drop in the ocean. Macrobiotics teaches us that chewing well is a primary factor in health and transformation. Thorough chewing means chewing each mouthful between 50 and 100 times (ideally 100 times) for physical, emotional, mental health as well spiritual progress. Naboru Muramoto writes that chewing 50 times per mouthful is the basic number of chews for good digestion; 100 times or more if one has a health problem; 200 times if you have a serious sickness. https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Ourselves-Naboru-Muramoto/dp/0380498669 There wouldn't be enough hours in the day for me to chew 100 times on each mouthful, 30's good for me, do-able. So count or not to count, that is the question, only you can chews choose.

What you're describing does not sound strange at all from a developmental perspective. For you, if deep down there is the sense of total; utter okay-ness and peace, despite anything that is happening on the relative level, such as emotions and so on, then that is genuine realization of Truth. Since you're describing what you're experiencing as a 'Dark Night of the Soul', I assume you already know this on some level. If this is Not your experience, you can ignore everything I will say next. You will recognize some time in the future that, That 'sense' of total and utter okay-ness IS the Absolute; it's actually not a "sense" or "feeling" - it's direct Consciousness, and if that's not what it seems like right now, it will become that in time. It's possible that you will also recognize that the developmental reason for all the emotional arisings which occured, is transformation. That having had genuine realization of Truth, there is actually Space for emotional transformation, which is why it all took place. Enjoy all the emotions while they're still turbulent. Savor and bask in the negative thoughts and depression - you just might miss it. I personally envy you having a good material life as you're going through this. When I went through this stage of development, I felt like I had absolutely no one, and objectively, I really didn't have anyone either.

@Surfingthewave Yea i read an article about spiritual escapism, and it really hit home. I think healing my inner trauma and reconnecting with my self is the key to my growth from here on out. A few years i got depressed, and after a year i finally got sick of it and completely transformed my life. I had never felt better. I always wondered what i did what worked such magic. I think i practiced some form of ad hoc inner work that compounded back then and that's what the "trick" was of my transformation. https://lonerwolf.com/spiritual-escapism/ This is the website I found. What kind of inner work are you practicing now?

True shadow work goes after your deepest "pain points" but from a place of expansive love and understanding. We think of death as a loss or a ceasing to be "you", but in order for death to occur at all there must be a you to die. Death is more of an experience of finally accepting (with love) the things you had always resisted that were always a part of you. This is what is meant by there is no death. Death = Self Love = the truth of no self, you include everything. Paradoxically on the path there is stuff that is experienced that is seemingly"not it". If there was not stuff that felt like it was not it (ie felt bad) there could not be the experience of discovery, a path or a transformation at all. Regarding the life purpose stuff, your purpose of exploring can be expanded to include exploring which living options leave you the most freedom to explore, it's all exploring in itself. I live in a rural area and I'm pretty amazed how easy survival seems in comparison with more developed areas. You can live in a trailer, camper or small home with your own well and electricity, even have a good bit of land and be completely free with very little savings or regular income. So many of our needs and wants are far from basic but assumed as such. So many peopl are so used to assuming that this is what poverty looks like that they miss the freedom that comes with it, as long as it is by conscious choice and not default. My parents lived in the middle of the woods with no electricity in a log cabin they built themselves with a dug well for a few years. My sister and her fiance built a yurt in the middle of the woods and lived there a few years. Eventually they also opted for electricity and running water. Give yourself freedom to let your desires change and clarify over time. Have you seem Nahm's thread about having a dream board? I highly recommend it.

kontrudar.com - the main website, it has articles, lectures, A&Q, books, audios, videos. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL-Jx82IQivEoq9nb8YWqQSTMghMRhSEvW - about 20 interview-format talks https://www.youtube.com/user/geydardzhemal - youtube channel Important note, it has many political topics, but if you seek you shall find metaphysics and theology related articles, videos. All of works together make up meta-discourse, the new system of understanding (and also opposing) reality from Absolute to low-level affairs. It is what marxism was for economy, the meta-discourse. Just to show the scale of how much reality hates his discourse, and how much reality is opposite to consciousness - his website is blocked in my country (Kazakhstan) by KNB (post-soviet transformation of KGB). Also, I know some foreigners read him via google translate and learn Russian just to read him. Similar to how in the past people learnt German to read Hegel. --------------- addition: Also, I forgot to add his two most important books in pdf: Ориентация Север - Orientation North: http://askrsvarte.org/pub/downloads/orientsever.pdf Prophets' revolution: https://jahproxy.pro/index.php?q=nKaooGuVaMzVn6WoqsWW116VotBfqZrWl9VglcvJk9egpmOWmtKe1JWjlqykza7apKWc3JGVodSh1KCc1dlg0piY Especially, Orientation - North, its absolutely important to read for anyone who was or is on the path. Please do read Orientation North even if you don't know Russian, use google translate, learn it. Do anything but read it. It is the main existing metaphysical manifest (imo).

@from chaos into self OK, good points, strictly speaking. But since we're talking metaphysics, metacommunication, we are examining and reexamining the meaning of meaning, right? We are, thus, seeking ever more overarching ways of both perceiving and experiencing the word, based on more inclusive paradigms, right? So, yes, we can begin with contrast as simply the difference between one identity and another, but if those identities flow into each other, in the endless and eternal passage of time, and if we offer this perpetual transformation no resistance, then we have a new paradigm that includes all three. Right? Hence: Truth = Change = Flow = Time = Eternity = This Now/Moment Right?