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There’s no cure I don’t know what suicide is but it may be the best option for me at this point

Sometimes I don’t want to be here. I think about suicide but realize it would hurt those around me. I spent too much money on an online course and I’m regretting it. Bad strategic move. I’m getting older… why am I here?

Holy Fucking shit guys WOW. I am ASTOUNDED with the amount of insight I got from this trip report. I could write for YEARS teaching you how to understand every single thing I am realizing right now. I could write for YEARS nurturing the insight I got from this day, and I will. This will be my life's work. This trip report took around 15- 30 hours to write. I think. Let's just say I put a lot of time and effort into this one. Like, holy shit. GUYS, if you haven't taken a good dose of LSD and contemplated "What is love?" and maybe something like "How can I use love to maximize the Holiness in my life?", you're MISSING OUT! I DARE YOU to do 10 super productive LSD trips and NOT come out of it and being a fucking genius. I DARE YOU! If you integrate your full potential in understanding, you'll be on the exact same playing field as Leo Gura himself, if not higher. If you believe Leo Gura is on the same playing field as Albert Einstein, in one way I would say you were right, and in another way I would say you were wrong. I would argue that Leo is playing on an even higher playing field. And furthermore, that you, the reader, have the ability to manifest that much understanding, if not even more. What I'm trying to say here is that you have the ability to awaken the genius within you. This genius within has created the following: An income fueled from massive creative output. Amazing Relationships A fully integrated and active life purpose, enriching society. An AWESOME LIFE! etc. Your future ideal self is FULLY, HOLISTICALLY, INTELLIGENTLY INTEGRATED into living the most awesome and holy life. That is you. https://youtu.be/TKfS5zVfGBc "You can do anything." I dare you to read my entire trip report and not come out with loads of insight. For those that don't want to read everything: I have made a massive effort to organize and break down the trip report into the following categories: Boundaries Nutrition "Awakening" Marketing Language Random Thoughts Insights around Love Appreciation Insights about Awakening and Enlightenment Teaching As Long as this trip report is, this is the version with many things CUT OUT. So, with love, here is my trip report: January 3rd 2021. Intentions: What's the core reason why I don't hold a sleep schedule or a routine? What is Love? >I think I've unlocked the daVinchi Code of understanding. Contemplate, "What is Love?" and weave nets of understanding that bring that back down to earth in your day to day life. >This is how you enrich your life, this is precisely how you spiritualize your life: You weave a net that combines the sacred to the seemingly mundane. Such that the mundane now becomes sacred. Dose: 100mcg LSD (But with my tolerance, this is probably equivalent to 150-200mcg for the normal tolerance user.) Taken at 12:23PM sublingually Couple Minutes in... So right off the bat, love seems to be a merging of two pieces of consciousness. I think I misinterpret the come up with anxiety. Like the body load is so intense. 28 minutes Feeling a bit tired and nauseous. 34 minutes My consciousness is definitely shifting very subtly. 35 minutes Kicking in Shaking Shivering. 45 minutes Cold af. Feeling super cold. Vibration. Visuals. Design on my tapestry moving. 58 minutes Feeling sick Lots of swirling in the floor. This is very intense. Shivering. 1h 18 min So much vibration 1 tab is too intense for me. I think I am highest I've ever been right now. I'm feeling sick, it's feeling intense. My mind is everywhere. >So at this point it was pretty rough, I was not having a good time. I think my body just pretty much lost its ability to produce heat whatsoever, I was shivering so much, I was so cold, I couldn't warm up. My teeth were chattering, the whole nine yards. I felt sick, I felt like throwing up. If I had any food in me I would have definitely been throwing it up. I even threw up the little bit of water I drank. For quite a long time, there I was, just lying there on the floor, and it was unpleasant because I was like “holy fuck, am I just in for another bad trip? and am I going to have to just wait this one out?”. I found this very interesting because I have already gone through two LSD trips that were unpleasant. So I already have built up a decent amount of confidence and experience with surviving bad trips. So, I was totally okay with surviving another bad trip. I didn't let my mind wander into dumb fantasies, spiraling myself down into some hole. I was now conscious of my mind's ability to do that, so I didn't give my mind the chance to do that this time around. The experiences of my bad trips beforehand has taught me that. Rather, I just really focused on my direct experience, and the present moment itself. One thing that really helped here was just assuring myself that I took the right dose, because I could have easily fooled myself that these tabs were somehow 150 mcg instead of 100mcg because these tabs that I got now, seem bigger than the last ones I've taken. But I actually don't know that for sure. >Now when it comes to the comparison between rectal administration and sublingual administration. I'm not sure if putting LSD in your butt ACTUALLY doubles the dose. It definitely makes the come up way faster, that's for sure. But as far as it lasting half as long or stuff like that, for me, that's not the case at all. Maybe it is the case but I get high for so long that whether I put it under my tongue or in my butt, I am high for longer than a day. Maybe, just maybe when I put it in my butt, I'm high for less time. I don't know. When I put it under my tongue, I definitely get way more visuals, I get way more body load, I get colder, I get more nausea, I get more vibration, it gets more intense. But once I'm there, peaking, I have unlocked the super genius within me that was there all along (and it's in you too). So I think plugging tabs may be more desirable for me simply because of less body load. I just need to become more comfortable with just how fast it starts to come on, because, in my experience, when I plug LSD, it starts to kick in in TEN MINUTES. It's going to be phenomenal when I plug 5meo with that fast of a come-up. Just the remarkable power for it to pass through the blood-brain barrier so fast is astounding. When I focus on my hand, Visuals everywhere. All encompassing. Like DMT https://youtu.be/dFTvlqmh7Fs?t=3981 (way more than that) >This was pretty freaking cool, like wow, the infinite magnitude of consciousness, I am going to LOVE DMT! >GUYS, If you haven't already checked it out, LISTEN to Actualized.org's music playlist. If you don't know this exists, you're missing out! It's AWESOME! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpnZTJkDkZI&list=PLFfM65xLnO-GI1fYqup85SgJcC_d9vq3_&ab_channel=MixHound >I feel like this playlist is like the "hymnsing" of what Actualized.org stands for. >All MUSIC is hymsing. MUSIC IS MADE UP OF SONGS THAT PRAISE GOD! ENJOY IT! ENJOY THE BEAUTY OF GOD! 2h Been sitting here, vibrating. Holy fuck. 2h 24min JUST NOW am I starting to get a handle on my bearings. >Imagine like a 2 hour come-up. 3h LSD has this metallic feeling to it. It feels like metal, like physical steel. It feels like mercury in my teeth. Our current state of consciousness is like a continuously imagined tunnel. Our mind constructs reality like idea-tentacles shooting out everywhere in every direction. We're continually going down this tunnel, constantly constructing new realities with our tapestries of ideas. >I am becoming very conscious that all of your reality is jus a net of contexts and stories, and you just simply create the stories to ground your sense of reality. Even though they're not true at all. If you're interested in reality, you need to be interested in everything. You need to be interested in science, physics , biology, wherever reality manifests, you need to be interested in it. God is the ULTAMATE ILLUSIONIST. >Much later... I feel holy. What is love? ^ What is that question pointing to? What am I beyond the Illusions? What am I beyond the illusionist? What is it that the tool of language is pointing to? All of your explanations and stories about reality is not owning your imaginations. It's not loving your imaginations. I'm noticing every time I become conscious of one of my imaginations, I have to first imagine a being that imagines that scenario. Like I need to imagine it as a fantasy in a third person scenario. For example, I am imagining that when I look at my mother's face, that there is actually something in there and there's not just a bunch of patterns. I'm imagining it is something more than just the illusion that I have kept up for all these years. I am imagining that the illusion COULD NOT be THAT sophisticatedly intelligent such that it's actually what we call reality. I am imagining that my mother's face is something more than just shapes and colors. I am imagining that she actually exists. I am imagining that when I hug her, that I am actually "feeling" her body against mine. I am imagining that there's an actual "human soul" inside of my mother's skull and it's not just a bunch of patterns of a unconscious bio mechanism robot. I am imagining the same thing about MYSELF. I have yet to realize the complete terrifying truth of this. How “my body” is nothing but God's illusion, in that everything is just an empty husk, and that all of reality is actually completely 100% hollow. SO HOLLOW, that you could call it a dream. SO HOLLOW, that it is completely imaginary. Imagine playing a video game, and you touch a wall in a video game, you know that wall is paper thin. In video games, you can walk to that wall and see the polygon mesh. In this video game, right now, when I put my finger to the wall, it doesn't actually go through the wall because I'm imagining a wall that doesn't allow my finger to penetrate so effortlessly. The curtain of reality is being pulled and I am starting to see the complete ass of the elephant. (See Leo’s video: What if reality is nothing but perspective?) -- I am realizing my inability to appreciate my dogs for what they actually are. Independently of my ego's desires. I'm learning how to really love my dog for first time. I have been SUCH a cocksucker towards my dogs. I've been a cocksucker to all the pets I've had in my life. I am laughing so much at the word "cocksucker" . Talk about a true example of systemic homophobia. Where it is baked into language itself. ### ### ### Boundaries Boundaries START as soon as "other" comes into your consciousness. The boundaries start at the first moment your experience in your Consciousness stops being pleasurable. This is how you need to start looking at boundary setting with you and your environment, you and the people in your environment. Boundaries are tools set to maximize the love in our relationships. A really good boundary is one that maximizes the love of the universe. The best deal is where both parties win, such that it maximizes the total love all parties involved. Counter-intuitively, the way to make a relationship best flourish is to set the most intelligent boundaries. > A relationship literally isn't possible without a boundary. I need to set the boundaries with myself to respect my body for when it needs rest. I also need to manage all the politics around the things that are keeping me up at night. I only focus on things I'm not supposed to be because there is some truth that I am not facing. ### ### ### Nutrition "Awakening" I am awakening to what "Nutrition" ACTUALLY means through your actions. Nutrition boils down to: What is it? What is its substance? Is it good for me? How is it good for me? I need to start to OWN my nutrition. No matter what, feed the best food for this body. Set that standard. If you're not eating the best shit, what the fuck is wrong with you? Where have you lost such respect for yourself? You DESERVE the best, most nutritious food. Love yourself enough to see that. If you loved yourself enough, you would use your money to buy the best food. If you loved yourself enough, you would create the value to earn the money to buy the food. You really, honestly, deserve to feel the absolute best in your body, and never let anybody or even yourself tell you otherwise. Love yourself so much that you create the life for yourself. I love myself so much that I will buy the food required to make this body feel amazing. I love this body so much that I will put in it ONLY what it needs, ONLY what it's been asking for. And I will earn the money required to buy this food. >If you know precisely the relationship between your income and your nutrition, then we would not be needing to have this conversation right now. I need to read a book on nutrition to really understand. And then through the understanding it will show in the actions of what I put in my body in my life. What does it ACTUALLY mean to exercise nutrition? It literally means all the things that serve the process of nutrition. Which is understanding what's good for your body, falling in love with the process of how you get those food items, AND falling in love with the process of making food itself. Falling in love the process, actually enjoy the process of shopping from the grocery store and preparing it yourself. Taking responsibility that you have to prepare it yourself. And that if you want to feed yourself the best food, you need to take full responsibility to nurture your body. If you want to exercise nutrition, practice loving the following: Driving to the grocery store Figuring out WHAT to buy. Picking out fresh fruits, vegetables, nuts, and whatever else you think is BEST for your body Unloading groceries Figuring out what to prepare Preparing the food, cutting up the vegetables, putting salads together, cooking, etc. Cleaning up the kitchen Putting the food away Eating the food. Tasting the food. If you fell in love with EVERY STEP, you would have perfect nutrition. I need to make a thread on the actualized forum teaching about something. I want to make a thread teaching you how to actually have good nutrition. How that actually applies in your life right now. It'll be like: "Heeeeeyyy, ZenSwift here, and welcome to this Actualized.org forum post! Today I'm going to talk about nutrition. What is nutrition? Have you ever thought about what nutrition actually means?" aha I need to write a post on how to get the most out of a psychedelic trip. I need to make a guide on how to use psychedelics for Manifestation. HOW YOU GET THE MOST OUT OF A PSYCHEDELIC TRIP is by figuring out how to integrate the high from over there to down here at normal state of consciousness. THAT'S IT. Writing a long ass trip report might help you. I know it has helped me, which is why I write FUCKING NOVELS with my trip reports now. It helps with contemplation as well. I could expand on many of Leo's teachings. It brings me great joy in the process of massaging that understanding into reality on the ground level. ### ### ### Marketing A course is literally just an essay, a collection of video essays gated behind a paywall. Marketing is appreciating the intelligence behind the product. Marketing is SHOWING YOU, the customer, how to appreciate the intelligence put into the product that I have created. Make one video that goes really viral with tons of marketing aspect into it. And then when you have that video gone viral, you also have a whole sea of content people can look at. Make a sea of content, and then hook people in with viral marketing. This is what Jordan Peterson did. Tell me this, Literally HOW do you market consciousness to mankind? Because, the way I see it, as soon as Leo's image is tarnished/demonized too much, then his entire web of teachings that he has constructed over 10 fucking years will never be able to reach the audience that Leo wants to reach. Leo will die before all of his teachings are able to be fully appreciated by all of society. Leo needs to die in order for people to awaken to his teachings. But just shy of that, is the remarkable intelligence in figuring out how to integrate your teachings across the world while you are still alive. I also think about this; how all of MY teachings will be regarded highly after I'm fucking dead. Because then it's a lot easier to take teachings from a dead dude because you have no defense mechanisms put up against the guy that's dead. Well, at least it's easier to learn from a dead guy. ### ### ### Insights about Language @Aaron p this is for you <3 I want to learn how to write a novel. How to write a story. You see, if I want to learn manifestation I must also learn how to write stories. As reality is nothing but a manifestation of stories. An author needs to penetrate into the essence of what makes a good story, and that precisely IS creating a massive illusion that you can fall in love with, and merge your reality with it. The illusion of reality is grounded in stories Rethink how to read your non-fiction books. When learning from a book, why not just open up to a random page and start reading in the random spot? Figuring out the context that sentence is couched in is going to help you with your learning. That would massively change how you approach learning in general. -- Guys, when you contemplate deeply into EACH AND EVERY WORD of your language, you become MEGA intelligent. I promise! BROOOOO You gotta understand me right. You understanding language unlocks the key to all knowledge! TRUST ME! Build your vocabulary! Especially your existential vocabulary! Literally just define EVERY word and saying that you use. - What does the saying "in a nutshell" actually mean? - Define "notice". What is that word pointing to (in direct experience)? - Define "what". What is that word pointing to? - Define "define". What is that word pointing to? Define "hypothetically". What is that word pointing to? Why is this word used? What is this word useful in some contexts and not useful in other contexts? What is "self actualization"? What are those words pointing to? I need to contemplate this. Define EVERY word that you use, you may be surprised just what you find out. You will be surprised with how much this will deepen your learning and understanding. I look at a dictionary definition several times every day because I am conscious of how much strengthening my grasp of language deepens my overall knowledge. I need to start to contemplate the perceived untouchable words like holy, Heaven, blessed, God, Godly, Divine, religious, spiritual. UNDERSTANDING LANGUAGE DEEPLY WILL ENRICH YOUR ENTIRE LEARNING. Imagine how your understanding of Metaphysics and Epistemology will rewrite your understanding of how to use language. Imagine how powerful you would become. I feel like learning about coding would teach me a lot about the epistemology and metaphysics that are impacted via language, as well as it teaching me about context. I could fall in love with coding. For the sake of itself. Coding is simply another form of language. And once I understand the epistemology and metaphysics of how coding works, that will feed into my understanding. All language will eventually collide into a beautiful extremely comprehensive form of thought. I finally noticed what's going on when I write this trip report. Whenever I try to write something I simultaneously consider all the social relationships that it could impact. And how what I say here impacts everything. It's that integrity aspect to it. So I edit things out and write what I write here in a very filtered way so I don't come off as someone I don't want to be perceived as. I believe when I feel more secure, I will be able to be more authentic and unfiltered. But we will see... GUYSS STUDY LANGUAGE The littlest things make the biggest differences. Learn how to use a hyphen! "-" Hyphens are literally is a word-combining mechanism. Learn how to use all the tools in your toolbox Here are your tools """ - Quotation "-" - Hyphen ";" - Semi Colon ":" - Colon "," - Comma "." - Period And so on with every fucking punctuation mark we use. Learn how to use these precisely to enrich your writing and focus your understanding. Practice writing the most accurate sentences. You know I used to think that a comma was put there for the reader to take a chance to have a breath. But now I think it's an intentional pause in the sentence in order to separate one set of words from the other set of words. Where each group of words created from the separation is interpreted as their own mini context set. (With this level-of-depth into language learning, I can appreciate the complexity of an academic paper.) I feel like I can write an academic paper on why language is integral to your ultimate understanding of reality. (And I mean academic in the literal sense of the word, not in the couched context of our current, corrupted academia. (Side note, the best school of thought seems to be a perfectly non-deluded, fully integrated, ego-less library) ) Contemplate: What is Language? Language is not just speech, writing, or gesture. Language is not just what's perceived in Sound. It's not just the recognition of auditory pattern with phonemes. Language is Visual. (Text you're reading on this screen; Sign language, body language) Which also means that it spills over into the other senses. Language is tactile ( Your muscle memory typing into this that's in front of you; Your predicted thumb paths on your phone's Swype keyboard.) Language is smell. If I really wanted to communicate to you, I would have you smell my amazing fresh-out-of-the-oven insights. (Think cinnamon buns) What would I be communicating if I showed up to your house with a nice perfume on? Language is taste. - If I really wanted to communicate to you, I would have you taste my amazing fresh-out-of-the-oven insights. (Think cinnamon buns) Contemplate: What is communication? -- When I put a word on the screen, I try to make sure that it is received in the exactly same perceived context that I and perceiving it right now. When I put words on the screen, I am thinking about the relationship between the words I made on the previous line. I am thinking about the relationship between the words I am writing right now and the words that I wrote 3 lines ago on a previous bullet point. When you read a sentence, notice the relationship between all the other sentences. Notice the relationship of one sentence to literally all the other sentences in a text. When you are reading a book, notice the structure of a book. It demands of you to read it front to back. That's how they're designed to be read. But on the other hand, a textbook is designed to be read from middle to middle in all sorts of ways. What if you treated your chapters in your book like a textbook. Where each chapter stands on its own as its own individual teaching. If Leo's YouTube channel is a book, then every video is like a chapter. Notice the STRUCTURE I'm trying to point to. Did anybody tell you to watch all of Leo’s videos in order? Apply that same point to this: Did anybody tell you to read a book, front to back? Why did you put your authority in that assumption? How did they know that is the best way to read a book? What if the best way of reading a book is confusing the hell out of yourself, sparking curiosity by opening to a random page and reading a random sentence and then once you've read that random sentence you have created motivation to understand what the fuck that sentence meant in that paragraph, in that chapter, in that book. When you listen to a video from Leo, it immediately Sparks curiosity to listen to his other videos because they're all interconnected. But the order that you listen to them impacts how you will interconnect all of the teachings between them. Leo's individual videos are like piles[1][2] into the sand, and it is YOUR JOB to weave the string of knowledge to create a DREAM CATCHER of understanding. This is why Leo says he could go on forever making teachings about everything. Because him teaching is literally just him doing the weaving process for you. But notice that you can weave an infinite amount of times between all these piles. (He's just selling water by the river!) [1] (Piling is defined as being foundations that are driven or bored through the ground along a certain length of area to carry and transfer loads to soil considered to be weak in structure due to the soil conditions.) Think of a foundation, but a stick/pillar in the loose ground. [2] The word “pile” has a couched context that it is stabbing into something. The pillars are the ideas, and the thing it's being stabbed into is the mysteriousness void of reality, giving your reality an illusion of ground. Your words have couched contexts, baked-in metaphysics. Using the proper word in your sentence can mean a world of difference, because using your words very properly help you understand how to best point to what the words are pointing to. Because language is just a tool of pointing. I've noticed that whenever someone wise writes something, I pay attention very closely to what they write, because usually they are very masterful with using the pointing tool of language. I study the sentence and try to figure out what they are communicating. -- I'm realizing now that if I ever get an editor for a book I make, I pretty much need to be that editor altogether. I think the only value an editor can give me, is a proofread... But what if it was a highly intelligent individual that was genuinely trying to understand what I was saying, what I was teaching and how to best communicate that in my book? What is an editor? What makes someone a good editor? What value would an editor bring me that I couldn't provide myself? An Editor is literally someone who can give you insight on how to use your written language better. Which MEANS if you want to be an AMAZING writer, you need to learn how to be an amazing editor. Every time I speak a word, I need to think about how it will be received, because otherwise what is the point of language? You see, language is the medium we use to communicate an idea to someone else. Even if it's just communicating to My Future Self 5 minutes from now that is going to forget this thought. That's what language does, it preserves thought. Words are a preservation mechanism. ### ### ### Random Thoughts Imagine a suit that you would wear that would interpret your sign language into spoken word. Also, Imagine yourself, as a deaf person, wearing AR glasses that LITERALLY give you subtitles in front of you. Talk about a million dollar idea. (So apparently AR glasses that give you subtitles is already a thing. But not mainstream at all.) Imagine a bowl that in its design, it's designed to be licked clean without it contacting your chin or beard. Imagine a dip that consisted of Peanut butter and hummus. (YOO this exists!) You know I should take acid only if I want to completely stay up for the next 16+ hours. I dream of the day that Leo learns from me. Assuming he doesn't already if/when he reads these lengthy trip reports. But I really mean him learning something PROFOUND from me lol. If all humans were fully evolved and integrated, we would all be completely polyamorous and pansexual. Or at least there will be A LOT more of it than we see now. When I write words on the screen I make the assumption that whatever server is hosting the words on my screen will never be permanently shut down or deleted. I am assuming that my technology will work tomorrow. I am assuming that some magnetic field is not going to wipe out laptops tomorrow. I'm assuming it will keep persisting to exist. I want you to understand the intelligent relationship between the sizes of our appendages and the intelligent relationship that it has with other people and with the hypercomplex and hyperconnected system that is reality. Like why are your fingers exactly the lengths they are right now? Why aren't they longer? Why aren't they shorter? What intelligence is governing your fingers to be perfectly the lengths they are? What intelligence is governing the thickness of your fingers? What intelligence is governing the acne on your face when you eat too much sugar? To notice the intelligence of your hand is to notice the intelligence of God. Anyways... -- I am simultaneously the most genius and the most stupid being on earth. The most genius in the capability of manifesting infinite intelligence, The most stupid in being SO clueless about reality that I have the ability to entertain TRUE curiosity. I feel like I'm one of the most smartest people on earth. How big is that group "most", I don't know. I need to learn to love how intelligent I am, like in a self-esteem way. While at the same time, learn how to manage that relationship with my self, such that my ego doesn't take hold and give me self-deception that negatively impacts my social survival, as well as not corrupt my epistemological and metaphysical understanding. I know there is more intelligence going into a single ant. (At least theoretically) -- I feel like I would get to know Leo on a day-to-day basis. As if it doesn't feel like that already. (Studying all his videos, reading the books on his book list, using his life purpose course, enjoying his music playlist, reading his blog, reading his posts on actualized forum. There is a very good chance that I am one of, if not, the most serious students of Leo' s work. At least I feel like I put the most time into studying his content, thinking about his content, and applying it. At least I have yet to meet someone who has studied Leo as much as I have. ESPECIALY considering that I am also learning how to be a teacher of self-actualization as well. Don't worry Leo, I am slowly integrating way more perspectives outside your own. It's just like you've got some of the best content out there. I learn SO SO SO MUCH from you!) You know what I mean, I'd wanna hang out at LEAST a couple times. #partywithgod #bucketlist -- A video made defending something would just be a video pointing out the assumptions someone has made. But if your teachings are about recognizing those assumptions, then a defense video nullifies the point. Truth doesn't need to be defended, plus it helps a lot when you hold high integrity. Which is one reason why I believe Leo doesn't make any response videos that appear to drag him in the dirt. He has literally better shit to do than to be gas-lit. I still don't understand this fully yet, as I am also aware of how much you can be crucified if you are held as evil in too large of a collective social perception. You simply just can't ignore this facet of reality: collective social perceptions. I am still SOOOO SOO SOO temped to make debunking videos that drag Leo's image in the dirt. I still get mildly triggered sometimes when I see: "Actualized.org is a cult because xyz". Like oh my god, I have the ability to deconstruct every assumption when someone decides to make another video "debunking" Leo's teachings. The ignorance of these people, and then these people demonizing Leo makes me upset. Because I know that public perceptions play a HARD role in marketing your teachings to the masses. I hesitate to even reference Leo with my teachings because I plan to play the social games to go viral on media, and I don't want to be dragged in the dirt... --- Learning about insurance makes me want to learn about legal speak, where they use words in INFINITELY CREATIVE WAYS. To be a good LAWYER is to be a great on-the-spot teacher! A lawyer is simply a man who is paid to take the responsibility of knowing fucking everything at the drop of a hat. Being able to masterfully manage social relationships in the most utmost serious literally-to-be-taken manner. This quality is also highly regarded in a teacher that can do this properly. Which is why Leo has such a fucking hard time marketing himself. Because when he says a teaching, he needs to think like a lawyer in order to consider whether or not him making that marketing move is going to maximize the collective understanding, and maximize the collective gaining of consciousness to mankind. When you pay money to a lawyer, you are paying for a human with the ability to manifest perfect integrated knowledge, on a dime! And that perfect intelligent knowledge understands all the social contexts that the teaching is being received in. -- What if I just took LSD with just the intention of writing? FULLY put my focus into writing into this document for HOURS?? >That's exactly what I did, i just generated idea after idea and came up with so many insights. -- YOOOO The way we've been cutting apples is fucking retarded. Cut slightly off the center instead of cutting it directly in half. -- Life if is all about learning how to love, and learning how to love is done by strengthening your relationship with reality. If I wanted to learn how to maximize the relationship between my fingers and my ability to output information, I would learn a more efficient keyboard than the standard QWERTY layout, AND I would learn how to type using proper form, AND I would learn how to use a maximally ergonomic keyboard. THAT would strengthen the relationship between my fingers and bringing my consciousness's understanding to this screen right now. BUT, if I was just talking about how to best put the information from my head down to a notepad, right now, for me, that is using voice to text over from Google Docs and then copying and pasting it into this trip report. In the future, we would be able to break down that imagined barrier by learning how to take language from my brain directly to words on the screen. Then, eventually we as a “human species” would become so intelligent that we wouldn't even need language, it would just be code or something. All the languages would collapse into one super language. Because we will have integrated such an amazing biotech into the human brain. Until Elon Musk can tell me that I can just think these words on the screen, I'm not sold on his "Neuralink". I understand now, to really good degree, why my brain doesn't exist. Yet in another way it does exist. it's just difficult to interconnect all the nuances of what the fuck this means. It's incredibly strange-loopy. It will take me much more contemplation to learn to appreciate this intelligent design. I think I'll make a thread in the future demonstrating my understanding of this and asking for pointers. I hear Leo talking about how you could surf the Internet with your mind if you had enough consciousness. I see two ways of this being possible: The first is an upgrade to your "physical brain" like an intelligent version of neural ink. Which is just imagination going around the imagined boundaries. The second is collapsing all the boundaries so that you just actually surf the Internet with your fucking mind. I understand now when you say you can literally surf the web with your mind. Is that amount of intelligence even possible before your body expires? Like I can understand how this is possible if you had a body that lived forever. @Leo Gura do you think you'll be able to surf the internet with your mind given your currently perceived lifespan for your body? -- What is a brain that lives forever? Haha. We are living in God's brain right now. And if you can merge your Consciousness with God's brain, then you can surf the Internet with your Mind. (Mind with a capital M.) -- Yo, me again. The curing of cancer will come from a process of loving and appreciating what cancer is. Through the appreciation, you will cultivate the understanding how to intelligently manage the relationship between your body and what you call cancer. Also, at the same time, The cure for cancer is the prevention of cancer itself. The cure of aging is possible too. Study the understanding of David Sinclair to gain understanding about aging and how you can stop it. He might be a decent resource, I don't know. https://hubermanlab.com/dr-david-sinclair-the-biology-of-slowing-and-reversing-aging/ If you FULLY UNDERSTAND AND INTEGRATE the knowledge of aging throughout your ENTIRE LIFE, you can live EASILY to the age of 200. I'm talking about a MEGA integrated holistic understanding here. -- You need a massive net of understanding to have complete and total confidence in your actions. -- Mentally retarded people are natural beings of love because of a loss of ego from a lack of imagined boundaries and projected judgement. ADHD people are simply people that have a holistic brain. ADHD people have an increased capacity to integrate all the information at a holistic, holonic level. No shit they seem distracted! They are literally trying to balance all the relationships between the infinite intelligence of reality all at once. FASD people have tapped into the more creative side of their brain. They are more free to just be. The gift of dysfunction. You're given the gift of imagining how to weave a net of understanding to heal those boundaries that have been "broken". You're given the gift of learning how to give what you need to yourself. Give what you want to yourself. I need to read the book, The gifts of Imperfection. ### ### ### Insights around Love Understanding Love I think I might have tapped into an tiny understanding of what it means to tap into God's love. God's love is having a massive understanding of something to the point that you notice the absolute of it Beauty of it in itself. Only THEN you love it. I want to learn how to love my father. As he his, right now, independent of who I want him to be. God has given me everything in my life so I can learn how to love it. And now I am learning to love one of the most difficult to love people. It takes true strength to love those that exist outside of your egoic agenda. I am learning how to appreciate the intelligence of my father, no matter how stupid I once thought he was. I am learning how to appreciate the intelligence in him manifesting here, right now, as himself. I love my father for what he is, right now, I don't need him to be anything else. -- I love you, the reader. And if I don't, I want to learn how. Manifestation is nothing more than learning how to love. -- There was so much love that manifested to bring me into this world. -- What is "hymsing"? THIS is hymsing. All MUSIC is hymsing. MUSIC IS MADE UP OF SONGS THAT PRAISE GOD! ENJOY IT! ENJOY THE BEAUTY OF GOD! I remember Leo saying something similar where music was literally God's way of communicating his love. YOUR ONE JOB IS TO LOVE GOD. YOUR ONE JOB IS TO BASK IN THE HOLINESS OF GOD! NIRVANA! That is your job. That is your task. YOUR errand-to-run is for you to learn how to have your consciousness merge with the rest of reality. You are HIRED to learn how to love everything in reality. Your profession is the "Lover of God". That's YOU. That's your fucking MISSION! Have I made my point clear enough for you? To love is to appreciate the beauty, the complexity, the illusion, what is. To love is to APPRECIATE what is. > To really love is to appreciate what is, for itself, as itself, as it manifests, raw, right now, COMPLETELY independent of what it can do for your ego. You love it simply because it exists. And you also love what doesn't exist because you appreciate the design of it not currently existing. You appreciate it existing as non-existence. You appreciate the intelligence of it all. Imagine appreciating something so hard it becomes physical. >This is precisely how God creates. (Maybe idk) -- Think about fundamentalist Christianity. Think about the idea of dying and going to heaven. That idea in itself separates you from reality. Separates you from loving reality, as it is, right here. That idea of heaven being somewhere else IMPLIES heaven isn't HERE. The idea of heaven instantly demonizes the reality that is right here! You need to contemplate: What is heaven? What Is this word pointing to? In this experience, right now. is it a state of consciousness? Then what is the afterlife?? If you are ever feeling bad, you're not appreciating something enough. You're not appreciating the magnificence that is here right now. Not only that, BUT, how magnificent it is that you can become conscious of it in your "perceptions". God creates "other" to learn how to appreciate itself. That's what you are doing right now, "separate" from God. ( I think ) Whatever you fear, is simply just you not yet awakening to the INTENSITY of that part of God yet. (Pain tolerance is LITERALLY just your ability to merge with the intensity of God's love.) ( I understand now why Leo says he is in AGONY with God's love. TRAUMATIZING levels of God's love. I GET WHAT HE MEANS BY THIS NOW!) Re-contextualize bad with intense. There's no "pain", there's intensity. There's no "suffering" , there's "threshold". Your one job here is to learn how to appreciate absolutely everything. Learn, how, to appreciate. Appreciation will heal your body. Appreciate your (imaginary ) brain by feeding it the best food. If you appreciate your body, you put in the food that's good for it. If you appreciate your body, you workout the muscles so it can be healthy. If you appreciate your body, you massage your sore muscles. If you appreciate your body, you give it the sleep it needs. If you appreciate your body, you learn how to nurture it. Nutrition literally boils down to this question: "Is this good for my body?". If you appreciate the body then you show it through your actions. ### ### ### Appreciation Learning how to live the best life is learning how to appreciate the things that would give you the best life. Appreciate routine. Appreciate nutrition. Appreciate exercise. Appreciate learning. Appreciate sleep. Appreciate your practice routines. Learn to appreciate what gives you life. Learn what these things give you. Me the teacher, will be teaching YOU exactly how to appreciate your routines. By making you incredibly conscious of how it gives you life. -- Guys, MANIFESTATION IN a NUTSHELL boils down to this one question: How do I love that thing? How can I appreciate the intelligence? To Love is to appreciate the intelligence so much that you erase the perceived boundaries between you and the thing you're loving. ### ### ### Insights about Awakening and Enlightenment At some point in the trip I had the total vibe of "I AM" going on. Anyways... Pay Attention to THIS Understand THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE, THAT will get you enlightenment if you REALLY understand these ideas/ what these ideas are pointing to, you will finally get it. It is important to study the opposites of these words as well! Those are pointers too! I believe my awakening is going to be a manifestation of deeply understanding all these points, combined with an experience on 5meo. All of these imaginations, ideas, and understandings of reality, building a scaffolding. Merge your imagination with reality and that's how you merge your Enlightenment into reality. Enlightenment is NOTHING but a manifestation of understanding. (I believe) What is called an "enlightenment" is just that CLICK between your old understanding and your new, re-contextualized understanding. "An enlightenment occurring" is the very moment where you fully merge your old understanding with your new re-contextualized understanding. Where you make that leap of faith, that jump. I realize when you hit enlightenment. You have to COMPLETELY relearn how to integrate this new understanding into your survival in reality. You have to relearn how to live your imagined life, because NOW you are living under a completely new re-contextualization. ENLIGHTENMENT IS ONLY CRAZY BECAUSE WE HAVE SUCH A SHITTY SYSTEM DEMONIZING SUCH HOLY UNDERSTANDING! If you grasped the absolute in a PERFECTLY intelligent and healthy society, it would be the most amazing gift, not a "oh god oh fuck" moment. You learning from Leo right here is to couch your awakening journey in a nice fluffy high-net of knowledge. RATHER than hitting the fucking ground, not understanding what the fuck happened. You need to start consciously enacting beliefs that surround your enlightenment such that by the time you become enlightened, your social dynamics and relationships will be taken care of. Start using language that you think the enlightened you would use. I'm realizing now if I were to ever release a teaching on psychedelics, I would need to massively FIRST stress the safety of psychedelics. -- Safety is what people most care about when Leo teaches the wildly powerful things. What people call "dangerous". Many people that close their minds to Leo are simply people that think he is unsafe. Leo, have you thought about making a teaching on "How to safely use a teacher/teaching". I know safety is stressed in your videos about cults, ideology, self-deception, dangers of psychedelics, etc. But I think it would be valuable if you stressed just this one idea very explicitly. There are a lot of traps I see with becoming too attached to one guru and having that be your main anchor, and as a result, you could use one teacher as your barometer for all the other teachers and teachings. Which causes bias problems. Which is definitely what I've been doing. Maybe stressing the point that you need to integrate several perspectives? I think it would be highly valuable if it came from you. I think it would also give you more credibility. Just a thought. @Leo Gura please share me your feedback on this idea. -- >I was really finding it useful to deeply question what the fuck "physical" actually means. This blows apart reality. 9 hours in, still have Visuals. ### I have fallen in love with my hand over here, appreciating the beauty of god's imagination. I'm on hour 16 at 4:33 AM with visuals still present. Still going strong, writing up a storm over here. ### 19 hours in, Still got visuals. I think when I do acid, I am literally high for OVER 20 HOURS... So when I do acid I'm forced to turn it into a good trip. Because "waiting it out" is simply a non option. I am on hour 21 of my trip and shit is still moving. It is 9:42 AM the next day. ### ### ### Teaching So I thought a lot about teaching I feel like the teacher that I will become will be a combination of Wayne Dyer, Leo Gura, Ralph Smart, and Prince EA. I could make videos explaining why I love something. That is the ultimate structure of when I teach anything. Explaining my love for reality. I want to learn how to become the BEST TEACHER IN THE WORLD! I WILL GET RIPPED AS FUCK, BEAUTIFUL AS FUCK, INTELLIGENT AS FUCK, GODLY AS FUCK, APPROACHABLE AS FUCK, LOVEABLE AS FUCK, etc. etc. etc. if that means my teaching will be received better. Basically, I want to become the best, whatever that may mean. When I think about making a teaching, do I make it in simple terms? Do I explain it in the fewest, surest words possible? What is gained and what is lost with stressing nuance? I need to contemplate: Complexity vs Simplicity of a teaching. If you want to learn something, teach it. In learning you will teach and in teaching you will learn. The best teacher is a teacher of teachers. Why? Because if you are a REAL student, then you also teach, because you KNOW that teaching helps you. Notice the relationship between teacher and student. I can make an amazing motivational speech where it's all about an INTERVENTION. It's an intervention to awaken you to take responsibility, an intervention to slap you in the face to appreciate the beauty of God Teaching Technique I need to create a video of a conversation of me teaching someone else. I'll have someone in the background of who I teach. I'll have a friend in the background of who I teach. I'll have an online friend in the background of a voice call. Whatever. Just to have the person in front of me to make it real. I'll just cut out the parts that are the awkward in-betweens. Imagine merging the intimacy of interviews and podcasts with teaching videos. Why do we love to learn from a podcast? Simply because it's a capturing of the intimacy of a 1 on 1 conversation. -- I need to practice writing out my insights with a beginning, middle, and end. I need to practice writing posts here. Helping you integrate Leo's teachings. I want to teach you how to use the ideas (that come from this guy named Leo) and how to weave the lessons into your life. And then I need to practice marketing that. -- When I speak into the camera, I am assuming an audience. When I speak to a person, I am assuming things about them. So why not assume them to be the best person? Assume that they're extremely intelligent Assume that they're beautiful. Assume that they're capable of being loved. Assume that they're curious. Assume that they're serious about life. Assume that there's a philosopher that lives in everyone. Assumptions like these could help the teaching. -- If I really wanted to show you my appreciation for you, I would make sure I have the best audio quality. I would make sure the audio motivates you. If I really wanted to show my appreciation for you, I would have really good camera setup. I would have a great background. Picture perfect background. I would present myself in the most beautiful way possible. If I really appreciated you, I'd make a video that will change your life. If I ever make a video that changes your life, it's because I love you. -- I think I understand what it means to be fooled. When I trick you, you end up using your imagination to imagine something that's not even real. And you do it so effortlessly. The power of assumption everybody! The best value I can provide for you is the exact piece of information that you need for your exact next step. Therefore, me being a teacher just one step ahead of you is actually the best place for me to be. Not as a teacher 20 steps ahead of you, but one. That is where the real value is perceived. Why? Because you can only see one step of ahead of you anyways. Most people don't have vision. If I want to create massive amounts of understanding I just look at a text and then create massive lattice structures integrating that one piece of knowledge. I can pick out an insight, and weave understanding between the insight and examples of how to implement it into your daily life. I can make tons of videos like that. I want to be the best Teacher in the world! I want to be a MASTER at Teaching. If you want to be the best teacher in the world, then contemplate and integrate deeply the fruits of all these questions, and then some: (I could expand on all of these... But that is what I will contemplate in my own time.) What is Love? What is a Salesman? - Isn't a teacher just a salesman of ideas? What is an entertainer? - How does being entertaining enhance your teaching? What is a comedian? - What is a comedy routine? How can you use that idea to increase your teaching ability? - I have to create teaching practice routines the same way a comedian creates his comedy routine. I need to practice forming relationships from one idea to another. This is teaching in a nutshell, you are manifesting understanding between different ideas. Connecting one piece of reality to another through language. What is a Parent? What does it mean to parent? How is it closely related to being a teacher? - Being a parent is being a teacher with full responsibility for that individual. What is a Marketer? What is a Storyteller? What is a Helper? What is a Server? What does it mean to serve? What is a listener? What is a really good listener? What is fun? How do you master fun? What is a preacher? What is conviction? How does remembering, the ability to hold ideas on your consciousness while explaining other parts of consciousness, impact your ability to teach something? What is Surrender? What is Submission? What is an Illusionist? What makes up a master illusionist? What is a magician? What is magic? What does it mean to demand something from someone? What does it mean to merge your consciousness with another beings consciousness? What is a Lawyer? What is Communication? What is an Editor? How does Nutrition play a part of teaching? How does it play a part of learning? What is a Designer? What is a Manager? How do assumptions play a roll in the teaching process? What is a Leader? What is Leadership? How can I use Movement to Enhance my teaching? What is a speaker? What is an Orator? What makes a great orator? What is an Actor? What is a teacher? What is a guru? What is a sage? What is God? How could I be the most actualized, integrated, holistic, holy embodiment of God to make this vessel a great teacher? What is a Master? What is God? How can Boundary setting enhance teaching? What are Boundaries? What is an instructor? What is another person? (And how does that enhance my ability to learn from it?) - I could imagine another person in the room with a certain set of knowledge, and my job as a teacher would be to weave the interconnected web between his understanding and my understanding. What is a human that holds the utmost integrity with his understanding of reality? - Who is the man that maintains an intelligent relationship between his understandings and his teachings and the individual people that are ? What is the BEST thing you can say to someone right NOW that would maximize the love of the universe? What is a Lover? What is Language? What is an Man that is a master of Language? What is an eloquent man? What is a fluent man? What is a well spoken man? What is a silver-tongued man? What is a Lesson? What is a Lecture? What is a Curriculum? What is Knowledge? What is Learning? How does silence impact teaching? How does pacing impact teaching? What does structure have to do with learning? What does network have to do with learning? What is self-actualization? What is manifestation? How does Metaphysics and Epistemology impact teaching? What is Appreciation? - How does showing appreciation enhance my teaching? Why are questions so important in the teaching process? What is value? - How can the understanding of value enhance my teaching? What is Selfishness? What is Ego? What is Self? What is Paradigm? What is Belief? What is Ideology? What sparks Open-Mindedness? What creates Close-Mindedness? How does someones Development impact your teachings? - Spiral Dynamics - Stages of Ego Development - Understanding Trauma Also, when you contemplate these questions, add in, "What does it mean to be a masterful x?" Penetrate to the essence of that idea, and then figure out how to crossover that essence to the art of teaching. For example, "What does it mean to be a masterful Lawyer?" Also ask yourself, How does my understanding of x correlate with teaching? What I'm saying is that, for example, If you embody the comedian in you, your teachings will be more enjoyable to listen to, and I will merge with your teachings MORE. If you merge with the entertainer within you I will MERGE with your teachings MORE! And so on. If you merge with the ideals of all these things listed above you will become the best embodiment of a teacher. Your communications will become pure gold. ### ### ### 10AM the next day… See there I am the next day and I end up learning how to listen to my mother for the first time in a whole new way. I am now selfless enough to be an authentically curious listener. The perfect therapist, the perfect life coach, the perfect teacher is one that can LISTEN. One that can love. My ability to love is going to guide the world into the direction of Nirvana. I healed the relationship between me and my dogs, I’ve healed the relationship between me and my father, I've deepened my relationship with my mother. I did a yoga session guided by my mom and I realized that your desire to balance perfectly is just a reflection of your love for God, and because I want to show my love for God, my love for reality, my love for God's creation, I want to balance the best I can. I want to do the most perfect yoga poses to show my respect for God. When I am doing yoga, I'm in church. When I open my body up, I receive God's love and I appreciate the magnificence. I fell asleep at about 2-4 p.m. the next day. Only an hour later, I wake up with like the worst anxiety attack ever. Like my fingers were trembling in such a horrific way that I was slamming my fingers against the wall to distract myself from it... and the pain didn't matter because the horror of the sensations in my fingers was worse than the pain. If I had a gun I could have put it to my head and pulled the trigger. There's something about my body, when I get such deep sleep deprivation, my mind and body go fucking AWOL. It's so predictable now that anytime I am sleep deprived that much I pretty much expect the anxiety attack to come, and I'm like "fuck me dude...". So one of my biggest challenges with using psychedelics is making sure that it doesn't keep me up for too long because if I am up for too long and I am to sleep deprived I literally start to lose my mind in a unhealthy unpleasant psychotic way. My fingers feel as if they are folding in on themselves. My mind feels like an infinite calculation that can't even get 2x3 correct. It's impossible to explain. It's MEGA fucked. Like MEGA MEGA MEGA fucked up. It is hell beyond hell. It's so much hell that a suicide would be a RELIEF. So the way I ended up dealing with his anxiety attack is I went to my mother asking her to help me in a panic, she helped me get dress up and put some calming yoga music in to have a walk outside in the winter cold. It was super fucking cold out guys. I was in such distress and suffering that I could not stand my experience at all. I think I'd rather have a bad Salvia trip than to have the experiences I get from sleep deprivation. It's almost like my mind tries to grasp the infinite in a super unhealthy way. When I was suffering I cried to myself, "I'm sorry God I'm sorry!" over and over, like I was having a 1 on 1 conversation with "him", talking to myself. I was walking and I was feeling the presence of gods love and I thanked him for this anxiety attack because it was a lesson for me to appreciate the intelligence of going to bed on time and getting enough sleep. I feel like I can talk to god with a one on one conversation. I was so surprised how easy the anxiety attack fell away with just a simple walk in the cold with some peaceful yoga music. I only walked for what was probably 10 minutes. I came back inside, undressed, and then went to lie down in my bed, and I still felt the "fuckyness" in my fingers very subtly, so I distracted myself from it and then fell asleep. So I end up waking up at about midnight, so like hour 36 or something since I initially dropped the tab of LSD, I couldn't sleep anymore. It is 3 a.m. now as I am writing this. The Holiness of my experience has faded quite a bit. But yeah, the same time I still feel somewhat enriched on a deeper level. But I feel my ego in the morning filling me with shame, clamping down on me, calling myself deluded and filling my heart and soul with judgement. I can see this just being a process of the ego shedding itself and it will cling on and shame you in any way it can before it's completely gone. The amount of fantastical states that I was in was absolutely crazy, but at the same time, if you're in that fantastical state, and you put it towards good, you can change the world in such a positive way. After all, to bring a new reality in the "physical" world, you must first imagine it in your mind's eye. I was an absolute Super Genius while on that trip and I became my absolute most loving manifestation of myself and it created an example for me of the high ideal that I could eventually fully embody in my sober everyday life. It's going to take me several years to fully integrate this what I saw in the past 40 hours. Everything in reality became pure magic. Color. It is as if every single atom shined with its absolute most brilliant colour made out of the Holiness of God's light. The absolute clarity of consciousness, manifesting as orbs, consciousness taking shape of every color being perfectly the way it is. I can fall in love with my hand. The Holiness of God's love is creating your hand right now. The Holiness of God's love is creating everything and when you see this amount of love from God, even the most ugly things become the most beautiful because you see it as the absolute manifestation of love that it is. Everything in life is the most hardcore embodiment of God's love and it is your JOB to see that. Even as I write this now I am feeling enriched with God's love. I can look at the wrinkles in my mothers face and appreciate and love that as it is, right now, because it just simply a creation of God's intelligence, right now. What I believe I got was a mega small glimpse into the beauty of consciousness. Being able to stare at a fork and cry at its magnificence is somewhere in the realm of possibility now. I am getting close. It is only a matter of time before I reach my first real Awakening. I suspect this will happen when I do 5-MeO-DMT. I don't even have fear anymore about 5-MeO-DMT because I know that I will just be embraced in God's absolute love. I cry right now writing that sentence. My body and my vessel has been able to let go and cry at the beauty of God now. I look outside and I see the mountains, the beauty of God's sunlight caressing his amazing creations in the mountains. I understand now why the best songs are songs about love, it's the amazing drama of the merge between two pieces of consciousness. I remember when Leo said that's going to take a couple years for your life to be fucking awesome, well, after 2-3 years of work, I am starting to glimpse that now. My life started to feel like pure Magic in these glimpses. Leo you could not have told me it was this good. Oh my God. I had faith in you, I had faith your teachings and here I am NOW, enjoying the fruit. and I'm just getting started. >It reminds me of the end of the video "Life Advice for Young People Part 2" where Leo cries and says: (Timestamped Video) >YOU LITERALLY CANNOT COMMUNICATE HOW GOOD THIS GETS! >As a teacher I will be able to also appreciate this struggle of communication. Leo, one day, 5-10 years from now, I will really understand. I promise. It is 43 hours later and I think I'm still getting visuals. Okay so what are the meta points of this trip? I have massively increased my understanding of the following Love Appreciation Nutrition Teaching Boundaries Relationship Language Communication Tons more shit. INTEGRATION: Figuring out how to organize what I write in this trip report to my own personal notepads. By the time it is posted here on the forum, it should be completely integrated in that way. Really think through, using a journal, contemplate: The Brain, Consciousness, Perception, Being-ness, and the relationship between them all. Deepening all of my understanding of the insights here, going through all the combinations and permutations to weave massive nets of understanding to enrich and spiritualize my life. Post trip Report... Days later when going back to my heavy stage orange job, there is no stage green or higher in sight where I currently work. The magic of reality faded, and I learned from Leo's video of explaining his awakening experience that this is actually normal. https://www.actualized.org/articles/enlightenment-experience-explanation So yeah I definitely experienced that fading effect. It makes me think about how there are many people that have had awakening experiences, mystical experiences, and how over time it fades. There was a the day right after, for the whole solid day, where reality just felt like pure magic. I want to get back to that. I want to be able to see the divine everywhere and be able to look at a fork and cry at its beauty. Is there any better tips on integration? My current plan is, loads of learning, inquiry, contemplation, and also deep psychedelic trips while contemplating. I think I just need to keep hitting those peak experiences to break my consciousness loose. 2 Weeks Later... I've noticed that I'm able to communicate a whole lot more genuinely, my emotions just flow more into my conversation when it is recognizing the beauty and potential in someone. Everybody is lovable, and is worthy of love, it just takes an intelligent being to be able to love everything so effortlessly. I've noticed that I see beauty in places that I previously didn't before. Like pebbles on the ground, or slushy snow, or ice all mixed with dirt, how at night when you have a headlamp on you see all the little speckles, the twinkling of light reflecting off the snow and ice in an infinite amount of ways. I am actually able to appreciate a nice pile of dirt more than I have previously been able to. The ground in general has upped its beauty level. I fucking LOVE my hand. These exercises that Leo has us doing looking at our hand is brilliant! I can just look at my hand while at work and immediately, I'm reminded of my love for God. I have lots of confidence now to do 5meo, (rectally). But I think I want to do a few more trips on shrooms and LSD before that, as I'm aware that once you touch god you see him everywhere, and it potentiates your trips on every other substance. I also want to do a proper amount of study on 5meo before I take it. I respect my body a lot more now, I take care of it more with giving it sleep, nutrition, massaging sore muscles, not overexerting it, working out to strengthen it, etc. If you read the whole post, you the real MVP.

Journal Entry Exports from; Writing out the Negative: Anger, Contempt, Disgust, Fear, Judgement. Depression etc. Posted October 11, 2021 ''I am having escapist lucid dreams more and more lately basically after a month or so, unfortunately, I didn't write them in the journal, but the latest ones that I remember I plan to do. They basically boil down to stuff happening that is a wish-fulfillment in my dream of the stuff I failed on, was too afraid, indecisive, impatient, weak, selfish, or cowardly to do in the past and recent present which I had a deep longing towards or dreamt of in real life of fulfilling in my future to sort of achieving which I failed on being a possibility anywhere soon or at all in my life. Though a recent example not having anything to do with wish-fulfillment from a couple of days ago (three days ago I think in fact) was a dream of being scanned for my fingerprints and blood flow to my fingers by a mini floating UFO of a flying disk shape with a red tractor beam (at least what It seemed like it was doing) and floating around my head while I was lying down in my bed where I sleep in this apartment somewhere at very early morning time with the sun barely coming out. I dreamt of myself basically being in a half-awake groggy state and barely being able to move or recognize it and being too tired or weak to do anything about it. Also in that dream earlier, I dreamt of being aware of family members entering my room while I am lying down sleeping in my bed also in the morning time and talking to something to me while I am too groggy or tired to respond or do anything about it but I only aware of them being there faintly through my senses and then suddenly during that same time in the morning (be it 5 or 6 AM) I have the desire to move and respond to them but just as I move in my dream in my bed I wake up I realize I am still in that bed but there is no one in the room and there is dead silence in the morning and I am lying there now awake trying to grasp and come to my senses was I just dreaming that what I just perceived happening in my room a moment ago in the early morning time while I was in the same position in my bed as half-asleep and being faintly aware of it all happening and trying to slowly come in to grasp and discern up until what point was I dreaming of being at bed sleeping in the early morning and being aware of all that happening in the background in my room and at what point did I wake up in the same position that I was in during the dream in my bed it would appear roughly at the same time in the morning. This difficulty to discern what was the dream and what was me being awake in the morning came up roughly at the same time during the morning when I would wake up in shock and would later go back to sleep. Note: I didn't watch or have read any UFO-related or alien stuff in a long time and was skeptical for a long time and during the supposed Pentagon release of footage and confirmation of the existence of UFOs about almost a year ago and considered them just to be cover of the flight of secret experimental US Airforce planes and technology since the sights would usually happen in America and few other places in the world as far I followed it when I was briefly interested in it a while ago as a teen. The wish-fulffilment lucid dreams were either a product of a wish being fulfilled or an unlikely scenario playing out of which I had deep longing towards happening and me realizing in the past especially during my time in high school and of being a product of my imaging of interacting with some people or being a real-life witness of their interactions happening that I know from watching online on YouTube for some time or that are known as online celebrities mostly in the English speaking domain of the Internet. For example, I faintly remember of dreaming being in a cafe as a customer or something of a sort and watching the interaction in real-time of Jordan Peterson and some other figure which seemed to resemble the online YouTuber Vaush from his ponytail appearance (though I have watched neither of them for a long time, almost a year on YouTube just saw their faces and pictures from time to time on Twitter or recommendations for their videos on YouTube), they then briefly went to finish their conversation on the second floor of that cafe and then suddenly I found myself on the street in some rural area that seemed like somewhere in my country Serbia and I felt lost there and started looking for directions to get back where my apartment is in Belgrade and started asking people around, I asked an old grandad (who In facial appearance resembled almost my own grandfather who passed a year ago now) he pointed me in the direction towards the station there and then I encountered Peterson and asked him for some reason as if he knows which bus line in this rural place looking place should I take that goes to Belgrade and for him to point to me on the map where does it drop me off in Belgrade where it is nearest and closest from my apartment and taking another city line from there and then right when he was showing to me where my bus line will end and on which station of that bus line should I exit in Belgrade I woke up. Weird dream. The wish-fulfillment lucid dream that I had today had to do with me being in an open place almost an ancient greek amphitheater of some sort in the woods all covered in vine and mostly overgrown by nature with familiar but facially indistinguishable faces sitting there ( it is as if I knew all the people sitting there intuitively from my encounters with them in real life but couldn't really see their faces or name exactly each of them who they have just had a familiarity of their presence) and then from the back of my eye noticed and caught a glimpse of a very familiar face in the backdrop of that overgrown natural amphitheater and other ancient building space that looked exactly like the face from the pictures of the 19th and 20th-century French sociologist Emile Durkheim that was walking away and I started running towards him and people sitting in the naturally overgrown amphitheater spaced asked me: ''Where are you going!? What are you running towards!?", and I replied to them laconically filled with pride in myself and joy (even though it is very likely now in my depressing and existential and purpose crisis because of this real life that I won't be able to graduate and become a certified sociologist at all, given how many exams I have leftover from previous years and how I am currently feeling mentally strong in my intellectual capabilities to do so from developing 'brain rot' and lack of willpower due to a chronic addiction to entertainment, procrastination, and porn on the Internet during the past year especially and before that vastly diminished my chances of accomplishing this in the remaining years left of my studying and receiving a family pension from the state while being a full-time student),: ''Well, I am a sociologist myself. It is my duty to get an autograph from a man and sociologist such as Durkheim who works I was exposed to in high school (especially on Suicide given my family history) got me interested and fascinated to want to study sociology in faculty and become a sociologist in the first place!''. Then in my dream, I consciously ran towards the figure that was walking back on the road behind the amphitheater surrounded by a crowd of adoring fans that I thought looked and resembled the famous sociologist and when I came up to that figure it turned out it was a woman wearing glasses surrounded by a crowd following here that resembled him slightly in facial appearance and appeared to be a female writer of some sort, I apologized to her for running up to her impromptu and kind of disappointedly gave up on my autograph. Then the next thing I know I was standing on large blocks of stone on the wall of some seemingly old fortress from medieval times that resembled slightly the Kalemegdan fortress in Belgrade and my highschool girl crush and then thought possible and potential future soulmate that was put there for me in life I then had a feeling of and thought of her as that (she in some facial aspects and personality-wise even resembled Leo (I can't post here picture here I feel like it would be a against her right to privacy on an unknown forum and privacy rule here in general), like a younger female version of Leo in Serbia, which I found later kinda weird since when I watched Leo on YouTube I would be slightly reminded of her because of the similarities of his and her facial appearance ), and I knew here and went with here in highschool up until 2017 even before I found Leo's channel and then after I left high school and was in faculty still had a deep crush on her for some time, and this was before I found Leo website and channel on YouTube back in 2017 and slightly later when I just started watching his videos on his channel back in the summer of 2017) I went together in high-school with appeared together with a guy friend of hers in high school who was also an almost all As an excellent student like her (she rolled in a different faculty than me in the University of Belgrade and I have also found out recently that she had graduated in law school recently and became a certified lawyer just in the basic studies graduation term for studying for for 4 yeasr) in high school also appeared and approached me and started talking to me. I had a conversation with her in my dream that felt as it was very intimate, like with a very close girl friend that I knew for some time (in contrast to very brief interactions I would have with her in highschool and my mostly platonic love for her during that time in my life), and then she suddenly out of the blue told me that I don't have to go or rush anywhere since we will be all staying here (including her best straight As highschool guy friend) and sleeping over together tonight (In some supposed tour house I guess for all of was to sleep in and stay the night from highschool) and then I suddenly very casually in her way directed a very very lascivious joke regarding opportunities and possibilities for me and her in that sleeping together arrangement (spontaneous horny dreams what out me forcing them what can I do...) (that would probably have been too outrageous to say to her in real life given our degree of closeness and friendship then and especially now when I am out of touch with her for four years and have only seen her last time when I invited her to my grandfathers funereal last year) and then backtracked with another joke disputing the meaning of what i meant that made her and her best guy friend from highschool laugh in the dream. She then started walking on the edge of the wall of those stone blocks on the fortress as if playing with the height and chasm below with her best guy friend from high school and I followed them both expecting to interact with them more and the dream ends there and I woke up. The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret, of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester. Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently written and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.''

Torero's crimes isn't punishable by death and he shouldn't commit suicide. RIP. Time to close this thread as it's not really related to Dating, Relationship or Sexuality.

No one is glad about his suicide, but if he was recording and selling sex audios that obviously is not ethical and would eventually have to get called out. PUAs gotta find ways to teach game in a more ethical manner which is considerate of the girls. If they treat girls too much like objects it will create backlash for them because it promotes a toxic masculinity which mainstream society will not stomach. Game has to be done in a way which is not balls-to-the wall exploitative, selfish, and juvenile.

you’re glad Torero committed suicide after all his income was cut off when his PayPal and hosting was banned even though he did nothing illegal nor actually broke those sites guidelines and glad Addy Agame spent a year in jail and was labeled a sex offender in the media, so he will never get a normal job most likely, despite the court system saying he didn’t commit any crime nor any sex offense?

As an adolescent I was so green that I thought women never got horny. I just thought they were being kind or were maybe just trying to get approval because they had deep insecurities like myself. I was so shy and ashamed of masturbating in my early teens that I thought about committing suicide on more than one occasion when wondering if other people might know or find out that I did such a horrible thing. At 54, I’m a lot closer to my physical death now which changes how I feel about things and what I’m willing to express openly or somewhat openly. Masturbation turned out to be one of my strategies for distracting myself from an alcoholic indulgence early in life. It wasn’t enough though. I struggled with my alcoholism until I was 38 years old in 2005. I haven’t drank since and have lost all desire to do so. I never thought I would be free of the compulsion to drink and I am grateful for that. Despite contending with other addictions on my path. By the way, one other strategy for not drinking was to eat a good meal. The compulsion for drinking alcohol is much less on a full stomach. In AA years ago I learned the acronym - H.A.L T. It was said that if your an alcoholic, one must guard against getting hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Human beings evolved with having an outrageous sex drive which has made it possible for our species to survive all the diseases and catastrophes that has been there in our history. Many Religions shame people for their animal nature which effectively makes them more prone to manipulation. Sexually repressed people often get really twisted. Like all those Catholic priests who molest little boys. Or sexual repression results in chronic frustration and anger for others. The adrenal type in the endocrine typology, of which I am one, is the most oversexed of all types in our species which is in itself oversexed. Susan Zannos, in my opinion, author of one of the best books on this typology titled simply Human Types; Essence and the Enneagram made a statement concerning instinctive-moving adrenal type men. That they quite often have a certain ignoble habit or tendency,,,,. I’m not going to disparage the disciples of no fap. I know that there are many ways of living with many variables. The idea of sublimation of sexual energy makes sense to me but I could never pull it off. (No pun intended) I once thought in the fairly recent past that if masturbation had been somehow impossible throughout my life, I would probably have already murdered 3000 - 4000 people. So don’t let those forest fires of anger get out of control. Just do what olé Strokey the Bear cub says. Only you can prevent those forest fires of anger in this wilderness of life. Strokey the Bear cub is somewhat of a stroke-slut and a carefree Carebear and many would not even suspect it. It’s true that not everyone is going to heed his advice and that’s okay too. Have a good day.

Why are you considering suicide?

Before commiting suicide, take a breakthrough dose of 5 Meo DMT. Nothing to lose, right? Or take it now, no more beating around the bush of the mind...

Lololololol. I know you lol. Won't say much but I only wish to help you. You better take care though. And no suicide, okay!

Ok then, I will suffer for some years more and then committ suicide.

I have taken psychedelics (2C-B-FLY) once, it gave me a hell experience and some mental problems for years. I have also taken weed once, it also gave me a hell experience. I have also got (kinda the same) hell experiences when sober. So should I try LSD now? I'm pretty sure that it will give me a hell experience too. If I take LSD it will be like playing russian roulette with my sanity at stake. The only reason why I even consider taking the risk is because I'm desperate for my life to get better. Basically my choices is suicide or risk getting insane by taking psychedelics. It would be better to be dead than be alive and insane, so.. I don't know. It's not a easy choice. I'm not saying that I'm seriously considering suicide right now (but I did before), but probably I will seriously consider it again a bit later in my life. So should I take LSD or not?

Happiness tends to move upward as you expand your consciousness. I'm not sure how based on the descriptions those people are internally or how much they've integrated each stage. In Tier-II it's more like peacefulness/equanimity as the baseline no matter what your outward situation is, which is a giant step. But in Tier I you can still have pretty happy people or those on the verge of suicide.

Robert S. de Ropp wrote a Self help classic sometime around the late 1960’s called -The Master Game. Another book of his written after this I enjoyed was called - Self Completion. My favorite of his though was his autobiography called - The Warrior’s Way. de Ropp was born in the late 1800’s in a family of European nobility. Bavarian ,, I think. The last of the family wealth was spent by his father who was a rather cold character. de Ropp educated himself and was one of the first in his field of molecular biology,, I think. Some kind of biology anyway. The hardships of his youth carried over into his adult life where he became one of Ouspensky’s students in Great Britain. Eventually he moved to the states. One of the most memorable parts of his story occurred in Australia during his youth and where he came quite close to committing suicide. Later on in his family life, his first wife went insane and during his second marriage his wife gave birth to a boy who was severely mentally and physically handicapped. For a number of years while he lived in the New York area taking care of his son as compassionately as he could occupied most of his time and resources. He wasn’t a very warm and caring person and reading between the lines one can get a glimpse of some of his inner struggles. He eventually moved to California where he organized small Work groups or schools in the Fourth Way tradition. He succumbed to the force of the Ocean late in life as an old man kayaking off the pacific coast.

@Nadosa Yes but I meant that he was on the verge of suicide and the awakening changed all that, which might not be for some people. I can't claim to know all the details though.

Yes often this is what can push one into the 'dark night of the soul', is what I feel pushed some rich and famous folks to suicide.

Hard times force you into your true colors. Talk is cheap. You can say whatever you want during easy times, that's meaningless and it don't count. I don't approve of anyone who claims enlightenment unless they're tested over and over again all the time, which does not really happen, so nobody ever who claims enlightenment is actually enlightened. I can sit here and philosophize about death all day, it means nothing, because I know that when my time will be up, I will panic like a motherfucker. Fear of death is what keeps us alive, but just the right amount. Too much fear is paralyzing. And no fear at all is dangerous, which is why we don't see fearlessness, because fearless people die quickly (suicide, martyrdom, etc.). Control is made of fear. The more control you think you have, the more fearful you will be. But fear is not necessarily a bad experience. The ego-mind is a genius and it can create positive experiences out of fear. For example, love is just a twisted form of fear. It is the opposite of what Leo says; He is delusional, and everyone that agrees with him. Psychedelics are not a portal to truth or God. They're a portal to delusions and the devil. Fear is the source of everything. Accept it. Accept the truth. Nothing will change, and that's okay.

I am currently working a book with a complicated plot. It is based on a real story about child custody and involves drug abuse, domestic violence, suicide, and more. I may try to cut some of what happened out to make the plot less complicated. Is there a recommendation for how much needs to be written in a novel? I will summarize the plot here before posting parts of the story. Sometimes I cry while writing the story, and I am interpreting it as it is a sign of a good story. I am a senior in high school in 2016. Throughout the year I am looking for ways to reach out for help, but for no avail until the end of the year. The main conflict is that my mother and father are fighting over child support and they are both trying to use their children as pawns to gain an advantage in court. In the story I side with my religious drug dealing father who fled the state to avoid paying child support and his new girlfriend. I side with my father because my siblings are in danger at the other house full of drug addiction and domestic violence between my mother and her new boyfriend. There is a separate, simultaneous case of domestic violence with my father and his girlfriend. Throughout the story the protagonist lies to protect the father who he falsely believes loves him in the hopes of evicting his abusive stepfather, protecting his siblings in the process. Ultimately the story ends with a true event in which I described the entire situation with a power point presentation for literally 100 people. People seem to find this story inspiring and I think it would it would help describe issues such as domestic violence, drug abuse, suicide, child custody, and many other complicated issues which are all in play at the same time during the story. People also seem to think that mental disorder such as autism and OCD create challenging obstacles in addition to everything else. The book has a mixed ending after all of the betrayal between the parents and children. The step father is evicted, dad dies of cancer, my siblings are moved to a foster home, and now I'm with my grandma writing the story. Should I write parts of the story in an actualized journal?

No, but I'm reading a book which has been written specifically for the problem I'm dealing with and I'm doing the assignments, so I guess I'm kinda doing therapy by myself? I don't know if that'll work, but I'm giving it a shot... But sometimes it feels very overwhelming and I feel too alone in this and I start to seriously consider suicide, but I'm also scared of that too, because who knows what that will lead to... Which makes the problem even worse. Maybe I'll try a low low low low dose, see what happens...

Life can go wrong for everybody. Being wise and knowledgeable helps. But it is not a guarantee. Life is really a challenge and you can destroy the average person very easily. A health scare Or an illness can derails anyones life. It's easy to be happy when things go your way. When you have your Internet connection, money in the bank account etc. Take all of that and many will commit suicide even if they are conscious. Most people I know are super privileged. They have no idea how terrifying life can become. And the challenges they have faced are childs play. Tomorrow you may get a cancer diagnosis or become paralysed . That can completely destroy your life or not. Some people can't endure too much suffering. Only the strong make it.

If I have bipolar it would be a very mild case then. I don’t experience the extreme highs bipolar people experience. When I talk about the periods I feel good, I just feel very confident in what to say, words come automatically, things feel natural. The lows can be pretty low tho. Never attempted suicide but did have those thoughts. I dont self harm but I can cry intensely and feel sad for a full day, then it becomes lighter each day. As I said, I want to avoid medication at all costs and need a better understanding of myself I think

I think it's more than one thing. If I look back this is what I think leads to the right kind of life: You need to sow the right seeds of desire in your mind. If your desire has to do with getting validation from the outside world or indulging in pleasures (like getting money, sex, and fame) then you are bound to get jealous, hateful, hurt, etc. You are stuck in an endless race. You are doomed if you win and doomed if you lose, you will forever be insecure. But if you plant the right kind of desire. Like the desire to grow yourself, meaning to be the highest version of yourself, then there are endless possibilities. There is no hate or jealousy here, and you won't become a slave to the object of your pleasure. I think the desire to do something in life, even if you don't know what yet, is the deciding factor. If you don't have this desire, IMO life becomes a slow suicide. And then, you need to strengthen this desire by aligning your emotions with it, because emotions are energy in motion. It would happen overtime. And you need to find a path, by increasing your knowledge and experience, that you can trust to reach your goals. So, right desire -> strengthening it by emotions -> finding a path by knowledge -> believing in the path and desire. This is coming from personal experience, whenever I didn't have the desire to do something in life, I have suffered massively.

I'm so glad you said this. At least someone who sees bad things being spoken so openly on this thread. I was so hesitant on saying anything on this thread. I am an Indian girl who comes from a culture where the social rhetoric is that if a girl is raped, she is damaged goods who should never get a chance to marry or have a partner. In fact the social ostracization of raped women is so harsh in our country that raped girls are often told their life is not worth living and many of them opt suicide. Thanks for your comment. At least someone understands the gravity of the issue

Being high conscious means knowing who you are, doing what feels authentic, what feels right to YOU. The spiritual path is not about trying to live up to an ideal of what the highest consciousness spiritual path looks like. The path is about coming closer to who you are as an individual. It is about becoming emotionally free to do what you want to do. To explore your passions and desires. I would be careful absorbing too much conceptual spirituality. Making the distinction between you and your ego can be a valuable realization, but the context around that is a lot more important. the distinction between you and your ego does not make your individuality less true or conscious. Be true to yourself, that's the highest lesson. This kind of thinking is why people commit suicide in the name of spirituality here on the forum because they aspire to be something bigger than what they are but don't understand they are already all of it no matter the shape or form. Don't be so hard on 'your' ego - or yourself? , just do what you want to do and what feels natural whatever that is.