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I don't wanna sleep so I'll write some more... In my previous journal I mentioned that I started using antidepressant mirtazapine. I went on 30 mg dose and kept taking it for a year. I was aimlessly walking in the neighborhood before and mirtazapine let me get a job and commit to doing music. After a year I developed tolerance to it so I stopped taking it. It took me around four months to taper it off. First half of a pill was easy and took just a week but if I decreased more than that I'd just lose sleep. I had to slowly go down to 1/8 of a pill before I was able to quit completely. I'm a hell of an addict to everything but everything turned out to be fine with the antidepressant, I never overused it. I've read a bit of my previous posts here and dammit, how much have changed since then. I don't really get depressed anymore, I guess meditation and exercise did it for me and probably mirtazapine also is responsible for that. But here is the surprise... One of the side effects of mirtazapine mentioned in Russian wiki is "worsening of the paranoid syndrome". Either mirtazapine is the cause of my schizophrenia or it triggered my genetic predisposition to it. I had multiple fleeting and subclinical cases of paranoia while I was on it. But the first full-blown psychosis started more than half a year after quitting the antidepressant. It seems to me that the main trigger for psychosis is having a job: working 9 hours a day five days a week sets my brain in enough stress to start generating delusions. All three times that I had psychosis I had a job. The only thing that makes me depressed lately is neuroleptics, especially withdrawals from them, it's really, REALLY bad. On withdrawals from just a month or two on cariprazine and risperidone (separately) I was so depressed I ended up researching suicide methods in the internet. I also tried guitar cable on my neck with the tears on my eyes. But it passes in a month or quicker. It's possible that I have delusional disorder rather than schizophrenia because I don't have all symptoms of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia has two clusters of symptoms, they're called positive and negative. Positive are delusions, hallucinations and thinking disorders, negative are apathy, anhedonia, alogia, avolition. I only have delusions and this is it, at least before zuclopenthixol. But anyways the treatment is neuroleptics and I'm not sure if you really should distinguish these two diagnoses. State psychiatry is really shitty in Russia. Do you know how they diagnose schizophrenia? A nurse comes to you and asks "how can I help?", if your response looks hostile to them they set the schizo diagnosis. This is it, nobody talks to you anymore. The doctors check 60-70 patients once in a week just a minute or two on each in one go. I got "lucky" that I actually am schizophrenic but I have seen people there who got the schizo diagnosis without symptoms, and not once. I will write more about what happened during psychoses and psych yard in my later posts.

The "Western masculinity crisis" is a term used to describe the perceived dislocation, transformation, or confusion regarding traditional masculine roles and identities in contemporary Western societies. This phenomenon has emerged as a result of significant cultural, economic, and social changes over the last few decades, which have challenged long-established ideas about what it means to be a man. This perceived crisis is multifaceted, involving shifts in gender roles, economic restructuring, cultural changes, mental health challenges, and shifting expectations within personal and professional relationships. 1. Changing Gender Roles and Expectations One of the key aspects of the masculinity crisis in the West is the transformation of gender roles. Over the past several decades, the feminist movement, growing gender equality, and greater societal acceptance of diverse gender identities have significantly altered the roles traditionally assigned to men and women. Feminism and Gender Equality: Since the rise of second-wave feminism in the 1960s and 1970s, Western societies have experienced profound shifts in gender dynamics. Women have gained more rights, entered the workforce in large numbers, and increasingly share responsibilities for earning income and managing households. This has challenged the traditional male role as the primary breadwinner, leading some men to question their place in society and their personal relationships. Evolving Masculine Expectations: Traditional masculine traits such as toughness, stoicism, dominance, and emotional restraint are increasingly seen as restrictive or harmful, both to men and society at large. As gender equality has advanced, new expectations have emerged for men to be emotionally open, nurturing, and collaborative. Many men have struggled with these new expectations, especially when they contradict traditional gender norms they were raised with. Erosion of Traditional Male Dominance: In many Western societies, men no longer enjoy the same unchallenged dominance in the political, economic, and social arenas. While some men have embraced these changes and adapted to more egalitarian gender roles, others feel displaced, unsure of their value or their role in a world that no longer centers their experiences and perspectives. 2. Economic Changes and the Decline of Traditional Male-Dominated Industries The Western masculinity crisis is closely tied to the economic restructuring that has taken place over the past several decades, particularly the decline of manufacturing and other traditionally male-dominated industries. Deindustrialization and Job Loss: One of the major drivers of the masculinity crisis is the loss of manufacturing jobs and the decline of other traditionally male-dominated industries, such as mining, construction, and transportation. These jobs provided economic security and a clear social role for many working-class men, especially in industrialized regions of the U.S., the U.K., and Western Europe. Globalization, automation, and the transition to a service- and knowledge-based economy have reduced the number of well-paid, stable blue-collar jobs, leaving many men economically insecure and uncertain about their future. Shift to Service and Knowledge Economies: The rise of the service and knowledge economies has favored skills such as communication, collaboration, and emotional intelligence, which are not always aligned with traditional masculine values of physical strength and independence. As women have entered the workforce and excelled in these fields, men who were once dominant in the labor market may feel left behind or unable to compete in the new economy. This shift has led to a significant sense of loss for many men whose identities were closely tied to their jobs and their role as providers. Economic Insecurity: The financial pressures and insecurities that many men face as a result of these economic changes contribute to the broader masculinity crisis. Men who were raised with the expectation that they would be the primary breadwinners often struggle to redefine their roles in families where both partners may work, or where a woman may out-earn her male partner. 3. Cultural Shifts and the Erosion of Traditional Masculinity In Western societies, there has been a cultural shift away from traditional masculine ideals, which are increasingly critiqued as limiting or harmful. This has given rise to concepts such as "toxic masculinity" and has led to an evolving understanding of gender roles and expectations. Toxic Masculinity: The term "toxic masculinity" has become a central part of discussions surrounding the masculinity crisis. It refers to a cultural ideal of manhood that emphasizes aggressive, emotionally stunted, and sometimes violent behavior, while discouraging vulnerability and emotional expression. Although the term is meant to critique damaging behaviors that harm both men and society, some men perceive it as an attack on masculinity itself, leading to confusion, resentment, or resistance. Redefining Masculinity: As society shifts towards more progressive views on gender, traditional masculine ideals are being questioned and redefined. There is a growing recognition that men, like women, can embrace a broader range of traits, such as sensitivity, empathy, and vulnerability. However, many men who were socialized to conform to more rigid masculine ideals may find it difficult to reconcile these changes with their sense of identity. Media Representation and Popular Culture: Media and popular culture have also played a role in the masculinity crisis. While older portrayals of masculinity often glorified strength, stoicism, and dominance, more recent representations have offered alternative models, including more emotionally complex or vulnerable male characters. This has created a more diverse landscape of male identity in media, but also confusion for some men who see these newer representations as conflicting with their internalized views of masculinity. 4. Mental Health and Emotional Well-Being The masculinity crisis has significant implications for men’s mental health. As traditional masculine norms discourage emotional expression, many men face challenges when dealing with feelings of inadequacy, loss, or vulnerability. Emotional Isolation: Traditional masculine norms often dictate that men should be stoic, self-reliant, and emotionally restrained. This emotional isolation can make it difficult for men to express their feelings, seek help when they are struggling, or form deep emotional connections with others. As societal expectations around emotional openness change, some men may struggle to adjust to the new norm, feeling alienated or confused about how to express their emotions in a healthy way. Depression, Anxiety, and Suicide: Mental health issues are particularly acute in the context of the masculinity crisis. Men are statistically less likely to seek help for mental health problems and are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety. In many Western countries, men are significantly more likely to die by suicide than women. The masculinity crisis exacerbates this issue, as men may feel unable to express vulnerability or access support networks due to the pressures of conforming to traditional masculine ideals. Substance Abuse and Self-Destructive Behavior: As a result of unaddressed emotional issues and economic pressures, many men turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol, drugs, or other forms of self-destructive behavior. These behaviors can further compound the sense of crisis and reinforce a cycle of isolation and emotional suppression. 5. Shifting Dynamics in Relationships and Family Life One of the key areas where the masculinity crisis manifests is in personal relationships and family life. As gender roles evolve, so do expectations within marriages, partnerships, and parenting. Changing Family Structures: The traditional nuclear family, where the man is the primary breadwinner and the woman is the homemaker, has become less common in many Western societies. Men are increasingly expected to participate in domestic labor and childcare, which contrasts with the traditional masculine ideal of being a provider. Many men are learning to navigate these new roles, but some struggle to adapt, feeling that their masculinity is undermined by these changing expectations. Egalitarian Relationships: In many modern relationships, women expect to be equal partners, both financially and emotionally. This shift has created tension for some men who were raised with more traditional gender expectations. The pressure to balance new responsibilities at home while maintaining traditional masculine traits, such as emotional stoicism and career success, can create confusion and stress in relationships. Decline in Marriage Rates: There has also been a decline in marriage rates and an increase in the average age of marriage in many Western countries. Some men feel disconnected from modern dating dynamics and struggle to form stable relationships, which can compound feelings of inadequacy or failure in a society that still often ties male success to family life. 6. Backlash Movements and Resistance to Change In response to these profound societal changes, some men have organized around movements that resist these shifts and seek to reassert traditional masculine values. These movements can be seen as part of a broader backlash against feminism and gender equality. Men’s Rights Movement (MRM): The men’s rights movement is an example of a backlash movement that argues men have been unfairly marginalized by modern gender politics. MRM activists often focus on issues such as family law (particularly child custody), male mental health, and what they see as societal double standards that disadvantage men. Some segments of the movement adopt anti-feminist and reactionary stances, framing feminism as responsible for the perceived devaluation of men and masculinity. Red Pill Communities: The "Red Pill" subculture, which takes its name from a metaphor in the movie The Matrix, claims to reveal the "truth" about gender relations and female behavior. Red Pill ideology is often associated with toxic masculinity and anti-feminism, advocating for a return to traditional gender roles and male dominance. Many men who identify with Red Pill communities feel alienated from modern society and seek validation in reaffirming traditional masculine power dynamics. Incel Movement: The "involuntary celibate" (incel) movement is an extreme manifestation of the masculinity crisis. Incels are men who feel rejected by women and blame feminism and societal changes for their inability to form sexual or romantic relationships. Some incels express their frustration through misogynistic rhetoric or even violence.

I don't see it as a form of unconditional love. It's definitely SUPER conditional. But it's not conditioned primarily upon specific objective qualities. It's conditioned on him being precisely who he is. It's more about an appreciation of the whole gestalt of his personality and who he is as a unique living breathing feeling human being. I would call it hyper-subjectificaton where that one guy becomes like a demi-god in a woman's eyes. And that's true even if he doesn't possess objectively attractive or positive qualities. And yes, that can be a huge issue. This tendency has a pretty self-destructive side to it if a woman doesn't get ruthlessly picky about who she allows to get close to her. Once a woman has her heart set on a particular man and she gets attached, boundaries can be difficult. This is why it's important to integrate the Masculine side, which is to set clear boundaries and standards for the men she spends time with... lest she be struck by Cupid's arrow for a man who will drag down the quality of her life. So, it's SO important to have solid deal breakers and to be able to protect your boundaries as a woman because these feelings put you in a vulnerable position. And that's especially true if you're young and inexperienced. Like back when I was between age 16 and 20, I had no boundaries because I thought boundaries were wrong to have. I thought that I would be a bitch if I had any boundaries, and that was a huge fear for me at the time. When I was 16, I fell in love with my first boyfriend who was 17. And we were together for 4 years. And he had some redeeming qualities. But he was mostly a mess of a guy who was going nowhere in his life. And I lived with him, his mom, and his sister in my junior and senior year of high school before I went to college. And he was very chaotic and would frequently threaten to commit suicide... often as a means to control me or evoke certain reactions from me. And he was also in and out of jail for petty crimes. And life was very stressful with him because he was super unreliable and irresponsible. But I had this deeply held belief that "If I love him, I should be willing to support him and stick with him through anything." And he didn't have much of anything going for him, but I had this deep value of loyalty where I would sacrifice myself for him again and again and again. And I kept trying to act as an almost motherly figure to him because his life had been very traumatic and neither of his parents had ever given him any nurturing. His mom was an alcoholic and was a decent person but very rough and tough. He also witnessed his older brother having hung himself when he was 12. And his dad even tried to shoot him at the request of a hooker he had brought home when my ex-bf we was 14. (Side note: His dad also enlisted the help of a drug dealer to try to steal our van by pretending like he was being held for ransom unless my ex-bf would sign the title over. And a few months before he and I got together, my ex-bf was seeing a girl who was also 17 like he was. And he took her to Tampa with him for a week to stay with his dad. And his dad started giving her (a 17yo) crack in exchange for sex. I could go on and on about his dad and how terrible he is.) So, when he and I got together, I was trying EXTRA hard to compensate for all of his pain by being as loving and nurturing as possible. And I was endlessly enabling. But one night, when I was 20, he went full-blown homicidal with me and started threatening to kill me and himself. And he was leading me around by the pedestrian walking area downtown at 3am and holding a broken beer bottle to my throat for about an hour as we walked and he was threatening to cut me and also to snap my neck. And he led me to the fort that's in the same area and was holding me next to a high ledge near the for with a 10-15 ft drop and threatening to push me off and asking me if I trust him or not. Funny enough, I wasn't too too scared... because he never went through with anything he ever said he was going to do. And he'd never been violent with me before. It was just sad and traumatic. Needless to say, I had to break with that value and end it. And it was a painful but important lesson to learn that I needed to grow some claws. Then when I finally severed the tie, I didn't really have a support system. And out of loneliness, I started spending time around guy who was about a decade older than me, and I had started to catch feelings for him. And he had all sorts of issues with heavy drugs. And he'd lost custody of his kid. And he was showing so many abuse red flags just in a few week's span of time. And I could sense with those hyper-subjectifying feelings that were kicking in that I was going out of the frying pan and into the fire. So because I was very alone in the world at that time, I deliberately went out and found another random guy to spend time around that I was generically attracted to that wasn't as chaotic. It was a crazy time with many lessons. And one of them is that you have to be super picky about the guys you spend time with BEFORE those feelings fully set in.

It corresponds with 1993 when a huge terror wave came after Oslo Agreement, with 2000 when 2nd Intifada right after Camp David and when Hezbollah kidnapped 3 soldiers after Lebanon withdrawal, with 2003 when there was a rise in suicide bombing after Geneva negotiations, with 2005 when hamas came to power and Gaza has redicalized after Israel withdrawal from Gaza, with 2006 when Hezbollah initiated a kidnapping of 3 soldiers completely unprovoked what lead to 2nd Lebanon war, with 2007 when was a rise in terror after Anapolis negotiations, 2008 when was a rise in rockekts from Gaza after Doha conversations, 2010 when was a rise in terror after the negotiations, in 2013-14 there was more terror during the negotiations, with 2023 when oct7 came after years of giving money to hamas and letting thousands of Gazans to work in Israel freely daily for years and many of them were participate in oct7.

@BlueOak ...but the dog didn't call a suicide hotline, so not the same.

Have you ever seen a dog throw itself off a bridge? Have you ever seen a cat slit it's wrists or call into the suicide hotline? ..well...the reason is they don't have the capacity to self reflect. Yes - they can feel sadness and even depression. But they aren't able to step outside themselves and become self aware that they are depressed. But yes I think it's relative to what your definition of suffering is. But I would say keep it simple. Pain is pain and suffering is suffering. Ask yourself why you are suffering? Maybe you can't prevent your hand from hurting if you stick it on a hot stove, but you might be able to prevent the suffering from it. If your definition of suffering is the screaming in anguish then yes you are correct that is a form of suffering if looked at in that context. But real suffering to me is when the human mind self reflects and inflicts mental torture on itself - thinking and creating a personal hell for itself because it doesn't have a perfect world of pleasure.

Not really because some people and cultures complain more while some less. Some of those „happiest“ countries also have high suicide rates and many people feeling lonely or whatever. High medication rates. High depression and burnout rates. Families are getting very small because it’s expensive to have children etc. While in poorer countries often people have huge families and so on. Pressures are different. You can’t measure it imo.

Nobody knows if those fundamentalist suicide terrorist actually achieve Nirvana doing that. Every day in more suspect of how this dream actually works...

I was a total fucking prick when I was 17-22. I was the epitome of "fuck it, fuck them, I'm looking out for myself, the world is cold, I will be colder". I would lie, steal, cheat, you name it... It took some time but the karma showed up and my life slowly turned to absolute shit and it only got worse and worse. The lies add up. The enemies add up. Your reputation becomes known and you are hated and you hate the ones who hate you and you act like you don't care. After a few years of living like this, it becomes too heavy. Amidst all the suffering and acting like I didn't give a fuck, it eventually became obvious that I couldn't continue on like this. My options were either to change or to kill myself, so I thought that I would stop being bad and see if my life improved. I wasn't spiritual and didn't have any good concept of karma but I had good intuition and pattern recognition, so I thought it was worth a try to see if being good would solve my problems. What do you know... by the time I was about 25, my life wasn't an absolute disaster anymore. After I made the decision to be good, I had to wade through my karmic debt for another 2-3 years, but eventually, all the suffering that came from it was gone. I didn't have anymore enemies and no one was lying to me and I wasn't lying to anyone else. I didn't hate people and they didn't hate me. This transformation was probably only possible because I moved away from my hometown where I incurred all the karma from. I probably would have commited suicide if I didn't stop because the consequences of my ways produced a life that was not worth living. You don't simply "burn through" karma of this type. You have to live with it and carry it and suffer the consequences and you might think you're big and bad and can handle it, but you should heed my warning if you embrace this path. It's not something you really want to fuck around and find out about. But... you gotta do what you gotta do. In other words, it is in YOUR best interested to not be a piece of shit. The person who benefits the most from being good is YOU and the person who suffers the most from being bad is YOU. This is reason number one to be good. It's not just about contribution or morality. It's so YOU don't suffer.

Don't think so, it would get old fast, and I'd much more likely be driven mad by all the foreknowledge. An occasional trip down the memory lane aided by psychedelics is another matter though, sign me up. The nostalgia is so great precisely because of how melancholic and bittersweet it is, the memories are hazy like images in Plato's cave, yet we cherish them nonetheless, the fleeting nature is a major part of the value. They say hindsight is 20/20, but that could also work in the other direction, if you study and understand enough domains of human life through the past and present, a prediction ability almost akin to clairvoyance could be developed. That IMO is much cooler and more rewarding, plus the mystery aspect remains to some extent. I've been observing this larger theme of limitation lately, as limited beings the grass sure seems greener on the other side, but most satisfaction is derived from constraints, like a perpetual motion machine, always reaching for something, but never quite getting there. Living life as the limit approaching infinity, however far you manage to get, and then in death you become infinity at last. On this topic, I've always had dreams that show the future. Nothing meaningful, so I'm not a millionaire from betting on sports, but they're 100% accurate down to the minute details. These grant me the ability to act with more freedom, as the fact that I keep having them means whatever I do next, it will turn out fine, as the future has already taken place. Time is one hell of a strange loop. Fascinating thought experiment, if one were to gather every person in the world and have them continuously and unanimously deny one's existence, how many would fall prey to that gaslighting? Would being aware of cogito ergo sum be of any help? What about different methods of denial, could be active, straight up proclaiming you don't exist, or passive, whereby everyone simply refuses to acknowledge your presence no matter what you try. There's sure to be lots of dissonance either way, but the former is likely to be less taxing on the mind. Could this actually lead to developing a stronger sense of self/autonomy, as you directly experience your independence of the others' perspectives? Or, if driven to suicide from despair, in a twisted way it could be said the denial worked, you removed yourself from existence. Creates a bit of a paradox, gotta love the mind's games. Testing could be performed in a Truman Show-esque fashion, but that'd be highly unethical and logistically challenging. Oh well, theory's plenty.

Netanyahu... Troubled Choices! A year after a furious war, he still believes he can displace the residents of Gaza, and expects others to believe him! Displacement was his first option, and he rallied support for it, but he failed. The Palestinians held onto their land, supported by their Arab brothers, and now he seems cornered. The Gaza war has turned into a quagmire, the northern front won't be a walk in the park, and in the West Bank, the ground is heating up under the feet of his army. Wherever he turns, he finds isolation and anger. He is left with nothing but troubled choices, leading him toward an abyss and pushing his state into an existential crisis. Those who supported Netanyahu in his war realize that he lacks a real strategy and is driven more by a desire for revenge. His defeat in October 2023 left him in a state of delirium and confusion, with his decisions appearing to be a form of suicide. His internal problems are growing, his external crises are becoming more entrenched, and he is swinging between the two without finding a solution, even as the West continues to support him. This has left the ruling system of the state in a state of chaos and disarray. Netanyahu's retreat now would be a defeat, his stagnation a fall, and his advance without a vision is a mixture of madness and suicide. Despite the crimes he continues to commit, he has lost his ability to make decisive moves, and Washington can no longer tolerate his actions, his plans, or his struggles. We are heading towards a series of rolling battles, and those who rush to ignite them will be the first to burn in their fire.

Martyrdom does not fall into the category of suicide. This is a big misconception. A Jihadist is not commiting suicide, he is defending his Islamic community in the most selfless way possible.

No, calling mainstream human rights organizations and Jewish intellectuals all antisemitic and dismissing them is textbook propaganda and single mindedness. Actually explain how what they say is antisemitic or wrong, just crying that I can’t appeal to authorities makes no sense. That’s like saying if experts on crime judge an act as criminal we shouldn’t consider their opinions because it’s appealing to authority. No it doesn’t. It does say if you die defending Muslims you will be rewarded, that doesn’t mean it justifies killing every non believer. Again, suicide is strictly forbidden, which is why suicide bombing is a relatively recent phenomenon.

If you set out parameters according to which something is wrong, and that thing only exists in the future, are those parameters blameless? Islam claims that if you kill a non-believer, you will go to heaven. There's a reason suicide bombers exist, they're fully supported by the Quran. Alleged backlash against suicide bombers is most likely to be for practical reasons.

It’s not that simple. Suicide is strictly forbidden, the suicide bombing was justified by one extremist imam, but there was so much backlash in the Muslim world even Hamas stopped doing it. Independent analysis finds suicide bombings are motivated politically, also most of them just kill the attacker so odds are they just use it as an excuse to commit suicide. Nothing in Islam is inherently against America or Jews, America wasn’t discovered during islams founding and Jews were considered a protected class.

@Nemra You are not able to see Russias side. If USA proxy Ukraine to Russia its about the USA. If Russia sees they are being proxy attacked by their biggest enemy they will suicide bomb the planet.

This is a great article about nofap and how it actually hurts people to believe in nofap and porn and masturbation as being bad. Worth reading. It also provides an alternative to how to deal with porn and masturbation instead of strict abstinence. https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/07/nofap-masturbation-reddit-forum-suicide.html

https://medium.com/the-collector/where-does-suicide-take-the-soul-883faa98e15e z

There's no room for it in our political climate. People will just smear you as a pedophile if you attempt to defend pedophiles. It's basically political suicide. The public is not interested in a serious discussion of such issues. When it comes to political activism you have to be realistic about what the public is ready for and what it isn't.

@PurpleTree Hey, we're "higher developed" cultists here, we only do "ego-death" (ego-suicide), "So uncivilized..." 😁

gosh i’m still waiting for my poison drink and the mass suicide but i guess everyone who claims they are god and has a community or people who follow them or their content to a certain extent will be called a cult leader

@puporing Thanks for your support and help. I do definitely think that the "old school" parenting model that was applied to me was mostly ineffective, as it made me a mental wreck. Obsession over academics and grades has been the bane of my existence since I was a very young child, and it was I was never offered an alternative to succeeding in the world, the focus was always school. I have a lot of healing to do, I had a (suicide) plan, materials, date marked on my calendar. I seriously think Leo saved my life, as I called the crisis hotline and instead of help I was bounced back and forth between different lines, because apparently I didn't call the correct one.

22: I think about suicide so often I don’t know how much longer I can stand my life.

@Rishabh R yes basically, I suspect when anyone has a feeling of rejection (hurt), nothing can be any more real. I'll give you a concrete example. My ex-wife accused me of abuse, I concluded that despite me not being an abusive personality by nature, quite the opposite, she fully believed it. So, I had no choice but to accept her feelings. But, on the other hand, she had a history of leaving disaster in her wake, broken relationships, attempted suicide, narcissism, and a host of other weirdness (I should emphasize her tendency toward paranoia). I never fully integrated my acceptance of her viewpoint UNTIL my daughter came to me with feelings of the same experiences with her mother. What I then realized was that 'it' wasn't me, it was her. Of course, I played my part in it, but she has an enraging personality and I fell into her game due to my own very real weaknesses. So, it is in a way walking a tightrope (A psychologist would call it 'walking on eggshells, which is part of the ploy that women love to use to justify their inability to accept what is really real). But we as individuals/people have to navigate the landmines of human emotions to eventually 'actualize' our experiences. Life is not easy for us humans, sometimes painful, sometimes blissful, Though far from easy for me, we have to make it work and most essential is moving forward in a way that makes us happy. I haven't done it yet and will likely go to my grave without that as an accomplishment.

@Jacob Morres the metrics I use include things like suicidal thoughts and depressive episodes. I have those every few days. It used to be even more frequently than that. On some days suicide seems insane to me. On other days I feel hopeless to the point that I don't care about my family. Maybe I'm slightly less suicidal than I used to be. I also get better sleep thanks to the med adjustment.