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I think high quality men and women is definitely a murky terminology, that brings the halo effect into it, or the opposite of halo effect. And people get all mentally confused. But I think in general the regular talk you can do that is politically correct of good men and woman is ETHICS/MORAL (How ethically Good are they as a person, a citizen, a father figure, a figure in their community, etc.). It doesn't include attractiveness, attractiveness or lack of it is generally politically incorrect to talk about. --- Like, I had some neurosis some time ago, and I had this weird thought experiment: Some girl that I loved, FELT TO ME, too attractive for me (I was having some low self-esteem thoughts), and thought that I had to tell her she was too beautiful for a guy like me... But what would she do? She was in love with me. Would she just introduce me to one of her less attractive friends? 😂 "Hey darling... So I know you love me, but you're too high value for a low value (average looking and broke) guy like me. I think I need to be with a lower value, less attractive woman instead. Maybe you introduce me to an ugly friend of yours, or maybe I wait until you gain a lot of weight or until you're old as heck" If I told this to her, this would be basically suicide of the relationship LMAO. It is so politically incorrect in so many ways, yet it is somehow too true in some ways. But at the same time, it is absolutely against my personal interests, it's an absolutely bomb of self-destruction that does nothing good. Or maybe I can do the opposite, if she said she was too pretty for me, I could say: Don't worry, I will wait for the inevitable decay of your beauty, and my inevitable gain in status and success so we can met each other half-way. --- There is a book on conscious relationships (Integral Relationships), and it has written the PRIMARY and SECONDARY fantasies men and woman have, and correlated to their spiral dynamics level. The primary is the obvious stuff This user had posted it before: ---- When it comes to the epistemology in general when it comes to dealing with humans, and stuff we are very biased about: We really don't know precisely people, people can be very random. Religion tried many times to describe what they are and what we are supposed to do, and how supposedly we would be happy this or that way, or political ideology, or internet "gurus". We try to sell to each other ideas of certainty, and meanwhile there are the ones that are all so very full of their certainty (The "Pervert" philosophically speaking) and we have "Hysteria" (Doubt)

Been thinking of suicide ever since and have gotten close.I think about it every day. I've also been a weed addict for 9 years since I was 15. I quit cold turkey the 7th of January this year including quitting of cigarrettes and haven't looked back since. I was afraid of actually killing myself and not moving on in life and drug addiction was ruining me and my finances. Tbh, I'm still contemplating whether I should kill myself or not. It's already quite clear for me that this suffering will continue for the rest of my life and that I will never be truly happy in this life and always suffer to some degree. Whether that degree is a lot or less, that might vary and be slightly in my control. But I suffer everyday which I didn't before that faithful period of decay in 2023. But everytime I got close to getting on a train, to go to a cliffy area to throw myself off a cliff, I thought of two things; -my parents crying, me destroying their life because of my suicide -the idea of how wrong suicide is, that somehow morality is real and not imaginary, and that I will face judgement for it and go to hell in the afterlife. If you believe that consciousness is eternal, which I have become conscious of, suicide doesn't really help you, since your consciousness will continue anyway, it will either be good, bad or neutral. Maybe it will all be random but I have an intuition your actions do have influence on it. It got me thinking a lot about what is even the point of living if you can't be healthy and not suffer for your entire life, plus the thought of hell, got me interested in religion. This is one of my favorite audio segments for when I am losing faith: It's by an Islamic spiritual master, one of the greatest of all time, who lived in Baghdad in the middle ages. It goes deep into faith and giving up worldly pleasures for spiritual gain. It gives meaning to suffering it out and caring for others, being on the spiritual and religious path, and staying away from worldly excess. I hope some of you can appreciate this wonderful man and his teachings. this is another great one: Confronting the listener with their own inner hypocrisy and lack of integrity towards real spiritual growth and the Real. To leave you with a metaphysical, philosophical question: If all morals are imaginary, what would be the reason that so many people suffer in this life? If there are no morals (and thus no karma , not anything that can influence the next life) , it doesn't matter whether there is or isn't a next life, since no action can influence it. suicide would for many people be the best option, considering this. But this conflicts with the world and our life, namely, why would God create our life full of suffering if there is absolutely no meaning or challenge to it? God creates everything with perfect reason and doesn't let anything go to waste. So why create suffering at all if it has no meaning? that would make the escape of suffering the best possible course of action in all cases, since suffering is by itself bad (A=A), and there is nothing outside of A=A, like honor, others, judgement, that is tied to facing suffering in a less cowardly way. I would love to hear what you have to say about this philosophical question as well, @Leo Gura, since you seem to be a proponent of nihilism.

I don't see suicide as an option. I see life as a path to deepen and ascend. Perhaps is not, but intuitively, that's what it seems. Any opportunity must be seized; you have to fight to the end. It can be hard, extremely hard: old age, paralysis, dependency, loneliness. It can really be difficult, but I think you can always find a path to greater openness, greater depth. In the end, you die, and you've done your job. If you commit suicide, it seems cowardly to me, unless it's to avoid being a burden. Although, who knows, perhaps in a situation of incurable illness, it's the only viable option. You never know what is going to happen next

Suicide rates are lower with therapy, transgender doesn't mean they receive therapy, it's illegal even some places, let alone expensive.

Then if testo can help with depression and anxiety, why is it still such an abnormal high suicide rate among trans? If these disorders causes suicide. Why are these people not happy then after all the "theraphy" from body-altering substances? They even continue to take harmful, hazardous drugs because they are still not happy, in fact, many regret that they have permannently changed their sex by surgery. "Among transgender adults, 44% reported recent suicidal ideation" <--- this fact doesnt seem like the theraphy is working.

Hormone imbalances cause depression and anxiety, it's why people take testosterone for example. Depression and anxiety cause suicide and substance abuse. Transgenderism = hormone therapy, testosterone.

I have a firm, tanned ass to begin with <3 No, but testosterone and transgenderism is not the same. Mabe he love himself, probably does. But that wont change the fact that trans people are commiting suicide from left to right and taking ilicit, harmful drugs. I did not made up this, its the reality we live in. Look at the data. It shows clearly whats going on among these individuals. Its sad.

Right. And santa clause is comming down my chimney next christmas to choke to death on my soot. Maybe he does for the mood or sex drive. Him taking testosterone doesnt justify that transgender people are mostly not self-loving. If they were self-loving indivuiduals then there wouldnt be such a high suicide rate among with substance abuse. How is this not obvious? If you want to die it means you cant stand yourself (you dont love yourself) Its all self-sabotage in reality.

Even if they are ignorant, we cant ignore the fact that there is such a high suicide rate among trans and also doing self harming behaviour. Nothing screams I love you body, more than taking hazardous substances and attempting suicide. Precisely, maybe? If you take body-altering substances to begin with, means you are not happy with the muscles you already got. Taking testosterone can cause sleep disorders and stimulate the growth of the prostate. Its all self-sabotage to your own body.

Isnt it lack of self-love? "More than 40% of transgender adults in the US have attempted suicide" https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/press/transpop-suicide-press-release/ "Nearly one-third of transgender individuals reported hazardous drinking (28%) and problematic drug use (31%)" "Transgender nonbinary people were four times more likely to engage in hazardous drinking compared to transgender women." "The majority (82%) of transgender people have accessed formal mental health care" These findings makes you wonder.

@Elliott transgenderism is an umbrella term used for a variety of conditions and in my case I would argue it is not descriptive of my experience. Yes for the sake of making distinctions and pointing to something a term needs to be used but I would rather it was actually descriptive. i didn’t suddenly turn around one day and declare myself to be something. I was always that gender so there wasn’t a moment I migrated my gender from one thing to another so there was no transmigration. transexual might be more accurate but I was born with gonadal disgenesis and components that are both female and male. I did have surgery so there’s nothing I I have that isn’t functionally male now. I wasn’t just female before and male after so I wouldn’t have said I transmigrated my biological sex rather aligned part of it to match the rest. So I would fall into the category of the originally known condition that would have been called transsexual being treated with full surgery, hormone replacement and support psychotherapy throughout. puting something in alignment would mean it was incongruent but still there to an extent so the term Gender incongruency is used in quite a few medical settings. It’s an incongruency between sexual biology components that is known by the expression of the gender so it involves both sex and gender. An alignment of one and affirmation of the other. The word disorder is no longer used. not all people get treatment or surgery or full surgery even but are classified the same way and now we have a ton more ‘identities’ to struggle with. A conversation with a surgeon recently I asked about the changing demographic and he said the group you would have originally referred to as butch lesbians are mostly the ones now identifying as non binary so they hormone block and opt for chest surgery. That’s all that’s really changed in the last 10 years. progressive and liberal cultures have recognised allot of social constructs but instead of seeing their social importance in role and structure ( according to traditional views) they have expanded into a free for all. I mentioned in another response that some studies suggest that our neurology is not just biological but also shaped by external influences so by conforming and beleiving there are sexual/gender roles and ability ( men better than women at some things) we grown up being influenced by that and shaping our neurology causing greater disparities between perceived genders that reflect in the structure of the brain. This is seen as differing from culture to culture where those that hold men women more equal show less difference in neurological structure and general aptitude/ ability between men and women. The warning is that by claiming drastic biological difference, it influences reinforcing cultural or external influences creating more drastic divisions. I’m old blood from the simple man or woman era, pick one and get on with life… so I’ve struggled to understand and incorporate the non binary and pronoun crowd. But if mosaic theory is more accurately describing the dimorphism of humanity and variety that expresses from it then I can begin to see where the multiple identities are coming from. It’s reality yet again refusing to be categorised but we like our labels to justify our existence. I got my treatment and was discharged from the clinic years ago. I was first in my country to go through the full process and I was 17 at the time it started. I was monitored as having a problem since I was 5. And the whole thing was not completed till I was 27. I had no adverse affects or complications other than severe distress and suicide attempts in the beginning nearing my teens as no one really knew what was wrong or what to do until I was passed to a doctor who knew about it ( he and a few others noticed a deficit in care in my country so they moved here and provided care for the small group in the country. There were only 200 in the clinic back then and there are around a thousand on the books now. I’m now 42, married and none of it is an issue nor does it exist. I can’t label what is not there. I don’t identify with things that don’t occur within myself or my life. It simply doesn’t exist. The question then remains: why do people need to identify me? What exactly is it that they are trying to point at? And this is where I suggest what is being talked about is nothing more than a story that can’t be said to exist. I don’t wear my past ‘thoughts’ or manifestations in the present. They are nowhere to be found. I keep an eye on research certainly as the more that gets uncovered the more fluid humans seem to become. i personally don’t want to loose the roles of man and woman because I enjoy and appreciate what those things are. I also have no problem expanding to include other types of roles and appreciate what those are too and I will eventually adapt after a short struggle to integrate the possibility of those new types of people into my reality map. I know they have probably always been around like myself but we are trying to move into an awareness of a more expanded acceptance of reality. I don’t think humans are quite ready to drop all categorisation and deal with the diversity of reality just yet. I understand that is quite destabilising. for now, I call people what they introduce themselves to me as and I personally don’t categorise. I am confronted by divinity in one of its many infinitely diverse forms as it is presenting and exploring itself in that instance.

My theory is that I can only commit suicide if the pain of living is bigger than the fear of the unknown of death ..I mean let's fucking face it ..you'd shit your pants if someone pointed a gun towards your head and you'd turn into a complete pu**y...I'm just being as honest and blunt as possible because I need an explanation. How can someone's suffering be greater than the "nightmarish " fear of death ? Anyone have any explanation from a philosophical perspective? Its like You still have an attachment for life . Killing the body is no guarantee of less suffering. That’s a projection-based story you’re telling yourself. Do you want to deal with suffering in an existence you at least understand and can control to a certain degree?...or are you feeling lucky and ready to gamble on what comes after death by commiting suicide? It’s all just a guessing game really.

Look, I am open minded even to Solipsism and God realization. But I struggle with blasphemy to the point of insanity 3 times locked up, twice in the psychiatric unit, one suicide attempt. I consider myself strong spiritually except for blasphemy. That is my achilles heel

It's the same. Open means breaking the barriers that make the limitations. The problem is that the barriers are real. You are absolute in your essence and absolutely limited in your form, limited in infinite directions, that's why you, as god, are infinitely powerless, because the very nature of the absence of limitations. Any form is the absolute, and any form is the absolute reflected back on itself. But since limitation is impossible, the absolute reflects back on itself infinitely, so everything that appears is infinitely synchronous with infinite forms. You are infinitely free as a substance, but infinitely trapped as a form. So it's necessary to understand what your limits are and how you can expand your depth as a form. I don't see any other options. Suicide seems like a bad idea. I'd say it produces a, let's say, contracting effect, and you, as the absolute, push for expansion; that's what you want, since that's your nature. It seems like a rather complicated dance, but seems inevitable. There is only one possible freedom in the form: that for you any form is the same than another form, because you only see the absolute, then the limits are just images. That's what is called enlightenment. Who's enlightened permanently? Seems quite difficult , but I guess that as you are "open" to the absolute more often, less important are the forms

69: To be honest I think my way of dying will be of suicide. Not now, not yet, but in the future and we’re talking like decades forward I think about it from time to time

Yal are prepping small though. I'd argue you're not really preppin. You've gotta optimize GPT customisation abilities, checkout my journal for example it'll show. But yeah, preppin small. For example, there's no 'secret society' planning 'a jump', its wide out in the open, and they're looking forward to their post-human world. I'm securing my own BCI company by the end of the year, that's preppin. Think big but as a counterweight to Trumps narcissism, think smart as well. What's everything you will honestly need to ethically accomplish your goal in alignment with your own personal integrity, dignity and sovereignty? Yal don't realize that this fight for meaning so many of you have is a dying currency, you've gotta give up the fight for existential relevance in a digitally controlled not just monetary economy, but social economy. Your life purpose point blank is now a bifurcation: you choose to live among the villagers (like the rest of us) or compete for a place in the post-human world where that competition does not translate into social relevance but sovereign equilibrium. There is no guarantee of a universal basic income either for those thinking you're going to be saved, your only guarantee is that if your life purpose is at all reliant on easily manipulated (social) or replaceable technologies, your sense of meaning will receive an ultimatum, not whether the overclass kill you off or not, but if you have the self-authored meaning to not choose suicide. This is precisely why I have unfolded the projects I have, to provide meta-law as a meta-religion for people, as it begins and ends with an understanding of consciousness rather than outsourcing their meaning, as we've done for centuries, to external social programs; those programs are not inferior, that's a false hierarchy, its merely about what brings balance to the system relative to our time in history (we don't need to understand why it was advantageous to have those programs in tribal times). Religion isn't dead as some may try to say, however it comes as a misunderstanding of what religion is, its a sacred cathedral for our present understanding of truth, that has been our goal from the beginning. This is how it will end. There will be no AI takeover, we will be the takeover; existentially (as described), or through a geopolitical fuck up (and we know what that scenario equals). So think leverage, not companionship. Find a fucking human to hug. Or a dog. But yeah, for those truly struggling, youv've got my other words there too, not the walking blind hear; ears working. So all in all, prepare, and do not choose suicide. I'm sorry, but its beyond doubt now, they're hoping that's the choice you make after you're on the dopamine drip resembling the brain in a vat scenario too afraid to leave your own bedroom because your mind has been so messed with in the artificial environments we've created that hijack the natural impulses that signal healthy biogenetic self-refuelling through the communities we've relied upon; they've own, its dollar value destroyed from social media and more, your only choice is self-repair, self-sovereinty and only socially aligning with the integrity that serves these two otherwise that bifurcation, only gets worse for you. This is meta-law, and I'll share my formal post there concerning in my journal not too long down the track, at worse its a few months; at least before the AI penny here has chosen its side fully in the social economy. Get busy. Get working. Laziness as I proudly proclaim is about seeing through the bs and choosing directions that only align, then you don't need to worry about the laziness or the work, because now you're fully engaged, and engagement equals natural action. Rock out.

Hi everyone, I haven't posted here in the forum for a long time. I want to ask you something. The forum user 'Buba' was a very close friend of mine. He committed suicide on April 29, 2024. Since then, I have been in deep grief. If anyone who has spoken to him in the forum recently could share with me what he talked about, it would help me process my thoughts. In the last few weeks, I somewhat neglected him during difficult times, and as a result, I feel guilty. Thank you very much.

Its indeed interesting that many people dont even care when a person gets shot dead in a movie but raping is a whole nother thing. Depends on the kind of killing but usually sexual violence is messy while killing can be "clean" and short without much drama. And we are more used to it. And indeed killing CAN be reasonable for a greater good, sexual violence basically never. I watched a scene once where a girl committed suicide by cutting her pulse arteries. That was one of the toughest things I ever watched. So thats an example where its maybe on par with sexual violence in terms of how hard it is to watch. You can find other examples of killing that are long, messy, emotional as well where they will probably be as hard to watch as sexual violence.

"Leo tells his followers they are God; Because of him, people have committed suicide, influenced by his videos about infinity; He also encourages his viewers to consume illegal psychedelic drugs that can trigger the development of schizophrenia. What Leo says is retarded, delusional, criminal, and selfish, and we must ban Leo's videos for this."

Here we see you contradicting yourself. On one hand you don’t want to admit to yourself you are ok with starving children, on the other you say it’s working and thus you aren’t interested in speaking against it. Ergo, you support starving children. Its like if I said “I don’t support suicide bombings, I don’t want to see it happen, but it’s effective and I’m not interested in telling the people doing it to stop because immortality is justified sometimes”. Obviously you would tell me that’s nonsense and I’m justifying it by saying it works, can be justified, and I wouldn’t tell what should be done. Also, your analysis is completely wrong. Hamas already agreed to release all hostages with the ceasefire, Israel rejected the ceasefire they themselves agreed too and refused to even negotiate phase 2. Hamas even expressed interest in Egypt’s plan which required them disarming and leaving power to the PA in exchange for Gaza being rebuilt, but Israel publicly rejected it. The “hudna“ is not a Muslim strategy of a fake ceasefire, it is just a ceasefire. For most of the history of the Gaza conflict Hamas has abided by its ceasefire agreements whereas Israel broke them. Oct 7 was a rare exception. Even in the last ceasefire Hamas abided by it while Israel broke it. Even Israeli outlets reported this. But that doesn’t matter, even if you’re right about the strategy, the point is you’re hiding your true beliefs. You support starving children, own it. If immortality is justified in fighting immortality, you now understand every suicide bomber or terrorist who attacked Israel to fight against their illegal cruel occupation. You’ve actually gone further in what you’re justifying. They kill dozens to hundreds of civilians to try and free millions of people, you support killing tens of thousands to possibly hundreds of thousands to try and free 20-30 people.

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT PLAN TO KILL MYSELF IN THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE I know this is a controversial, but there is no other place where I could possibly discuss it, so I hope it's okay. *** My question is: what's so wrong about suicide metaphysically? I understand advising people against it because it's a politically correct thing to do, and you don't want to get in trouble, but in reality, is there any reason why you shouldn't kill yourself? If you die, you will become one with the universe / god. You will either become hyper aware of everything and omnipotent, or you will fade away into nothingness and will not feel anything ever again. Both options sound fine to me. There is also a chance that you might get re-incarnated, suggesting that there is a layer with ghosts and souls in between our realm and God consciousness. That also doesn't sound that bad. You could basically use suicide as a reset button, until you reincarnate with the cards you want to play with. If a person doesn't really feel like living or if they suffer a lot, why should they bother and stick around. Additionally, what if I am impatient and don't want to do all this spiritual work? I could just kill myself and get all the answers right away. I hope this perspective doesn't sound too childish, I am really curious about those questions.

I have completed books 1-4 of Neale Donald Walsch's Conversation with God as well as a separate entry called Home with God: In a life that never ends. For some background on me, I have been following actualized.org teachings for about a year and a half but I only joined the forum in the past few months. I have had four distinct awakenings, three of which I experienced what we call "death". In Home with God, God described three stages of death and to avoid spoiling the actual material, I will say that the stages 1 and 2 line up precisely with my direct experiences of death. The entirety of the five books I've finished so far have all surprised me as I was able to verify and confirm. These have my thumbs up if you want a written/verbal attempt at a description of the moment of death. It is not a replacement for having an awakening (in which you die) for yourself. The book is guided by 18 remembrances or facets about life and death told to Neale by God. What I like about Neale is that he isn't afraid to call out God (he does often struggle to understand that he himself is God though.) Going through the dialogues in any of these books are really helpful for getting a look at how little debates and language do at getting to what's True. Leo and other teachers/messengers have mentioned these over the years. So the material is never really new, but through repetition the teachings slowly start to form new mental pathways. God covers suicide, child death and near death experiences. Methods of having your own experience of it through meditation and other techniques you've heard of from various teachers God also mentions. Other than the identical experiences of the first two stages of death mentioned, is the mention of dance as one of the techniques. This is was interesting and a pleasant surprise to me, as I had two of my awakenings through dance. The first was after the effects of magic mushrooms had worn off and I began to dance. The second was after a 7 day modified meditation retreat I did, the night of the 7th day. The retreat itself ended around 4 or 5pm that day, and I went home frustrated, irritated after having tortured myself with boredom (do nothing work), concentration, self-inquiry, meditation and mindfulness. I used a very small amount of thc to calm myself down and then completely gave up trying to even have another awakening and started to dance. I allowed myself to be completely consumed the music until I suddenly noticed I was no longer controlling my movements. In a moment, I went "oh fuck" and then I slipped into the primordial chaos of Infinity/Insanity. It still shocks me how completely terrifying and amazing the experience is simultaneously. Dance may be a missing ingredient to your consciousness work if you already meditate, inquire etc. The trick/hack is to give up and surrender. Become a puppet to the formless God that you haven't realized yet. Home with God has a 5 out of 5 from me, I actually picked it up from the local library after having purchased the other titles. If you haven't begun the series I do recommend starting from book one of Conversations with God. Believe or not, I was listening to this from Youtube in the background while dancing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RG2IK8oRZNA&t=13995s&ab_channel=GreenredProductions-RelaxingMusic Enjoy

So I've lost a big brother, Mother/Father, and close Nephew (this one to suicide). All fear felt in this context comes from a sense of lack, I will lack something when they are gone, but if You had an Experience of Completeness and someone You loved died, then what comes from that for You? A sense of being Blessed, that You had them in Your life, sharing time and making memories and Love, Friendship, Experiences together.. So one has to choose, to come from a place of lack or completeness, this makes all the difference, when their gone do You feel incomplete, fear, loneliness, depression, anger, a "hole in your heart" or blessed, love, completeness and a smile that You had them in your life???

I remember a blog post (I think), where Leo said, he had to open up to suicide. This actually frightened me quite a bit. Having had suicidal ideation (because of suffering), a lot of what keeps me going is a beleif that life can become beautiful, meaningful, enjoyable. That happiness can be achieved. Trying to pursue that deep mystical life however is kind of strange if it all ends up at suicide again. I was wondering if there is any update on that. Is suicide different when doing it out of suffering vs some super conscious decision? Is life really not enjoyable after all these enlightenment experiences to a point, that suicide is not an option? I hope this questions are not too private.

Primary school ends at age 11 here too. It's from ages 5 to 11. (2nd grade is when you're 7/8 if that helps gives some context to the whole Tiffany story). I wouldn't put the Oedipal dynamic onto this dynamic. It's more like a God complex. And this God complex pattern caused me to feel really self-conscious because I felt like I was the center of the universe... as the main traumas I experienced were at age 3 when a child feels that they're the literal center of the universe. So, part of me stayed at age 3 and remained feeling the responsibility of being the center of the universe... and I was 100% stuck there until a few years ago. Now it's just 75% stuck at age 3. And there were quite a few situations at age 3 that were difficult to process that were likely the origin point of that. And I felt as a child, like I was the the center of the universe and that everyone was paying so much attention to me... and that even tiny mistakes that I would make would be hyper-focused on. But that sense of being hyper focused on wasn't the case a lot of the time... though my strong sensitive reactions would sometimes put me on people's radar and made me into a laughing stock, which reinforced the sense that I was this alien clownish center of the universe. Like one time (when I was 6 or 7) I was embarrassed because an older kid at my summer camp pointed out that I had snot in my nose... and I was so mortified that I ran into the middle of the room and screamed at the top of my lungs as I yanked out two big chunks of my hair. In my head, everyone in the room was super focused on the snot in my nose. And everyone now hated me because of it. So, I was overwhelmingly mortified, and I felt like I had just committed social suicide. So, that's why I had that strong reaction... as the stakes felt so high. But in reality, everyone was just really clueless as to why this random 7 year old just screamed at the top of her lungs and yanked out a bunch of her hair. I wasn't very socially graceful to say the least. There were definitely reasons why I was unpopular. And it really took me until age 13 to really figure out how to come across as socially normal. Similar to how autistic people learn to mask.... I had to do the same thing. I also had the belief that I was different than everyone else on the planet. It was feeling like a vulnerable alien... while everyone else is normal and invulnerable, and somehow possessing of more authority simply to take up space. But in my last three medicine journeys (I have done 1 per year for the past 5 years), it showed me what caused this dynamic. From early on (around age 3), I started to intuitively sense my parents' weaknesses. Though I couldn't articulate that to myself at the time. But there was the sense that I couldn't rely on them for support. And this caused me to feel like I had to be responsible for their well-being. And this gave me the sense of god-like responsibility and that have this supreme power to cause harm to them emotionally... and I saw them as Gods at that time. So, it was like having to the mother to Gods. And it gave me this sense of needing to be perfect (which meant being identical to my mom)... and that I need to do all the scary stuff alone. So, I started to feel like I needed to be my parents' parents... which later got extrapolated out to the whole world and feeling like I'm at the center of everything and responsible for everyone's feelings... and feelings about me. And this caused me to be hyper-attuned to others' feelings and thoughts. But I would also project worst case social scenarios because I felt so alone and disconnected as a child, and dealing with some pretty heavy overly intense feelings of terror and panic.