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BACKGROUND: The main breakthrough trip to be described happened almost exactly two years ago. The experience happened around 11:30 pm on the final night of a 3-day music festival. I was at the festival with a group of friends and my girlfriend at the time. The trip was primarily triggered by a large dose of MDA ("Sass") - I estimate the dose to be 0.7g, but this is a rough estimate. My girlfriend (trip partner) and I had taken MDA in the past, in lighter doses, and never had anything like this happen before. While we always test our substances, the test kits are only so specific. The MDA we took tested dark blue/purple on a Marquis Reagent test kit and was from a trusted source. To this day I don't know how to process the experience and what to believe. Leo's videos have taught me vigilance over the irrationality of the mind and its tendency to delude itself. My experience has been decidedly different than what I hear from Leo and others during their awakenings, which makes it difficult to analyze and understand. I'm posting my objective experience for a few reasons: a) to get my words out and organize my thoughts, b) to see if others can relate or help me understand, and c) to get an outside perspective to see if I am deluding myself and to what degree. NOTE 1: At the time of this experience I had been following Leo's videos intently for about 3 years, and at the time I felt somewhat metaphysically unstable. Leo was starting to push hard into nonduality and my ego felt wounded and afraid from those videos. I have dealt with persistent existential anxiety throughout my life, and this was the period when I struggled the most with it. (I'm doing better now.) NOTE 2: I also think Ketamine played a role in the experience, but to a minor degree. The doses of Ketamine I took that weekend and around the peak experience were small. NOTE 3: I had been partying all weekend leading up to this experience, so my brain could have been exhausted. Given all the variables, I cannot be sure exactly what triggered it. DOSAGES: My best estimates of my substance intake for the weekend are as follows. The breakthrough experience happened on Night 3. Night 1 - substances were taken over time at a steady pace from 4pm-4am period unless otherwise noted: Alcohol - ~8 shots of liquor & ~12 high-percentage beers Ketamine - ~0.4g (insufflated) Cocaine - ~0.7g (insufflated) Nitrous Oxide - 1 balloon (taken in one sitting around 1:00 am) - (inhaled) Night 2 - substances were taken over time at a steady pace from 4pm-4am unless otherwise noted: Alcohol - ~8 shots of liquor & ~12 high-percentage beers Ketamine - ~0.4g (insufflated) Cocaine - ~0.7g (insufflated) Nitrous Oxide - 1 balloon (taken in one sitting around 1:00 am) - (inhaled) MDMA - 0.3g (taken all at once at 12:00 am) - (oral) LSD - 1/3 tab (taken at 9:00 pm) - (oral) Night 3 - substances were taken over time at a steady pace from 4pm-4am unless otherwise noted: Alcohol - ~8 shots of liquor & ~12 high-percentage beers Ketamine - ~0.4g (insufflated) Cocaine - ~0.7g (insufflated) MDA - ~0.7g (taken all at once at 10:00 pm) - (oral) Xanax - 0.5mg (taken during the MDA peak in an attempt to trip cancel) - (oral) My girlfriend and I took these substances together throughout the weekend and dosed at the same times. We took very similar amounts of each substance, other than her taking a full tab of LSD on Night 2 and a small amount more Ketamine than me throughout the weekend. She also took a tab of LSD on Night 3 with the MDA. I probably drank a little more than her throughout the weekend - everything else was very close in dosage. TELEPATHY: Everything was normal for me during the first 2 days and nights of the festival, other than the onset of what I can only describe as telepathy between my girlfriend and myself. This occurred on 4 separate occasions throughout the weekend, including the main MDA experience on Night 3 when the telepathy peaked. The first night we both bought a balloon each of nitrous oxide and inhaled from them while sitting in chairs near one of the stages. I had this indescribable and certain sense that she and I had somehow merged and were sharing thoughts. I didn't say anything to her about this the first night, as I figured it was just in my head. The next night, again when we each had a balloon of nitrous, the same thing happened again. This time we looked at each other and said, "Did that just happen?" and we both knew what we were talking about. She told me that the exact same thing was happening from her perspective, and that she didn't tell me either the previous night as she thought it was just in her head. THE MAIN EXPERIENCE: On the third night, my girlfriend and I consumed the MDA at our campsite at 10:00 pm. We then walked around the festival grounds looking at vendors and displays. About 75 minutes after ingestion (11:15 pm), we both agreed that we maybe felt a slight euphoria but it was very minor, to the point that we thought the MDA would not work beyond this. We sat down on chairs in front of the main stage to watch music. At some point shortly after, it felt like a switch was hit. The MDA hit like a freight train. We looked at each other and both knew we were really fucked up. We were laughing and in a state of euphoria and everything took on a sort of clownish vibe. We moved away from the crowd to a grassy clearing to the side of the stage to get away from people, which felt appropriate. Shortly after, the telepathy returned, but this time in full force. We were experiencing the same thoughts and memories, and occupying the same physical space. It was like we were seeing through one set of eyes, not looking at each other, but seeing together. My girlfriend began to have an accompanying visual trip (she was also on acid at the time). She had a vision of our merged being in the darkness of the sky. We were mirror images of one being, made of stardust, forming constellations (not any particular constellations). I convinced her to take out her phone so we could write a message to ourselves for the morning as a way to "prove that it happened" and to remember it. I texted to a group chat of myself and her "we are the same being." The best she came up with was "this is fun." Then a second switch was hit and I began to experience infinity. It felt at this point that the telepathy extended to the universe at large. It was like I had merged with the universe and the universe was working as one machine. Everything moved to the beat of the universe. My ego death must have been partial, because I still had a sense of self at times, and I was having severe existential terror. My experience then became of infinite suffering/hell. It is hard to remember the details and harder to explain, but I will try to piece things together. It was as if I knew the answer that I had been seeking for my entire life, the answer to why the universe is here and what it is doing. I have always struggled with reconciling and trusting the "goodness" of the universe, and in this moment, reality (which was me) was perceived to be the worst thing possible. My deepest fear had become true, a fear that on some level I knew I have always struggled with but did not understand the nature of until now. All things were leading to an infinitely worse and worse state, already infinitely terrible, but with an infinite capacity to get progressively worse (essentially the opposite of what Leo has been saying the universe is up to). There was also a sense of ultimate entrapment. The worst possible anything, forever, with no chance of escape. There was also a sense of being absolutely alone, which I believe was an integral part of the horror, but my memory of this aspect is fleeting. In the "real world," this resulted in me rolling around violently on the ground, often running into people, and screaming bloody murder - "OH MY GOD. OH MY FUCKING GOD. NOOO. NOOOOOO." I have never heard my voice sound like that before or since. Side note: the only visual component with any of this for me was at one point physically merging with my girlfriend. There was a black "void" in her chest that was sucking me in. Otherwise everything was fading in-and-out, like I was moving in and out of states of consciousness, so it is hard to recall many details. Then, just as quickly as the suffering phase began, it "resolved" somehow, and was replaced by Love. The magnitude and unlimited potential of suffering inverted 180 degrees and was actualized as Love. This was blissful. The Love phase was decidedly less dramatic, and less convincing. In talking with my girlfriend after the experience, she said she watched me go through at least 10-15 "cycles." In one moment I would either be unresponsive or in agony, and the next moment I would tell her I'm fine and say "Let's go find friends" or something similar. Then the trip would cycle again and I would instantly fall to the ground again completely limp. I believe these fainting cycles matched with my cycling between experiencing suffering and Love. I only remember one true suffering phase and one true Love phase, but I imagine there were more that I don't remember. She tells me it took me a while to come fully out of it the cycling (probably about 30-40 minutes). She did not experience the metaphysical states as I did, but she says she could comprehend what I was going through. FLASHBACKS: From the time of writing this experience, I have had somewhere between 20 and 40 flashbacks of the experience, usually while completely sober. They started shortly after returning home from the festival. They can be very intense, although not as intense as the trip itself was. "Flashback" is the best word I have for them. They feel like the trip activates again and I am back to where I was that night, like reality has again become what it was in those moments. In general, the flashbacks have decreased in intensity and frequency over time. My first 5-10 flashbacks (up to about 4 months after the trip) usually caused me to faint and fall to the ground in the same way that I did during the trip itself. During a flashback I have been on the ground for up to 5 minutes. The fainting is confirmed by those around me; one time I needed to be carried out of a crowd by two friends, and another time I fell down a flight of New York City subway steps and ended up covered in bruises. The flashbacks happen spontaneously, often with no lead up at all. If there is a lead-up, it is usually some rumination over the trip and an increase in existential anxiety. The flashbacks often happen in my dreams, where they are very intense and usually wake me up. A very curious feature of the flashbacks is that every time it happens I feel that I am not "supposed" to talk to anyone about it. In the moment of flashback there is a sense that by talking to other people about it, I am feuling the suffering and somehow spreading it to other people. This has been so convincing at times that I would reflexively push my girlfriend away from me when I am in that state, in an attempt to "protect her" from it. This has prevented me from writing this report, until now. Thank you for reading. Please let me know if you have experienced anything similar or if you have any feedback. Blessings. Age at time of experience: 24

"Your Mom" jokes are even funnier after nonduality. Leo isn't kidding about the rewards of this work.

@arlin reality is nondual. It means there isn't two things that exist in reality. There is only just reality happening to reality. But That's also going too far. There is only just fucking THIS. Impossiblely direct. Just THIS. You and a happening is two. You are conscious of reality is two. Illusion and real is two. You and consciousness is two. There is only one thing and THIS is it. Any divisions you think are imaginary. That includes the division between real and imaginary. Between subject and object. Between Leo and your dad. Between right and wrong. Between duality and nonduality. Don't try to use the mind to understand. The mind can just create distinctions. All distinctions are bullshit. Reality is ONE. There is nothing to understand. It all self-understands itself perfectly. Wake up. Wake up.

The is one of many definitions of "consciousness". As well, each definition is relative since all words and concepts are relative. Nonduality is "not two". There are two things here 'illusion' and 'real' The definition of "consciousness" you are using does indeed imply separation. You are using a concept you call 'consciousness' as an entity aware of a separate object. Yes, that concept of "conscioiusness" also involves separation There is no end to infinity. Beginning and end is a construct of a human mind. It depends on your definitions of "consciousness" and "ISness" and "illusion". Imagine a definition of "Consciousness is anything I can sense here and now" - then there are no such thing as elephants (I don't sense any elephants here and now). If we define "illusion" as: "Anything I can't sense here and now", then elephants are an illusion. If we define consciousness as "all there is", then we need to define "IS". There are assumptions of "real" and "imaginary". To get grounded, one would not to back up the bus and define "real" and "imaginary". Yet doing so gets very messy since we create category boxes called "real" and "imagined". Upon deep inspection, those boxes crumble and there is a realization that real = imagined - we create things called "real" and "imagined". This gets into areas of ambiguity, uncertainty and paradox. Most minds are very uncomfortable with this and want definitive concrete answers. Other minds are very fluid and love to explore ambiguity, uncertainty, paradox. And we create this as well. It's a loop one cannot escape as long as they are immersed within the inescapable loop they created.

J. Krishnamurti said that there is choice when we choose what car model to buy or what food to order etc. I want to challenge that claim! Because to me a practical choice is still a choice. The difficulty as I see it is when we think of no choice as the opposite of choice. That's duality. And it's even worse than that. Not making a choice is still a choice. And a term such as "choiceless awareness" is at the personal stage taken as meaning being a helpless victim at the mercy of a mechanical and automatic universe. And when such condition happens to a person at the personal stage of development it's called a psychological depersonalization disorder. Is choiceless awareness a psychological disorder? When there is a person experiencing life as happening to them without them having any control, then yes that's a pathological state. It only becomes a healthy state at the transpersonal stage where the individual person is recognized, experienced and actualized as being the whole of existence. Instead of thinking of it in terms of choice or no choice, I will ponder the idea of replacing choice with another process. Choice can be seen as a cause and effect result of past personal and biological conditioning. From the nonduality perspective that's a false belief! Nondual causality is the result of reality as a whole, including both past and future. So choice can instead be seen as a process of increasing complexity.

@Leo Gura - Thanks for your thoughtful response to my question about how to truly know that you are actually God / aren't deceiving yourself. Your response was helpful. I think that directly experiencing total nonduality (via 5meo) and/or having an experience that offers a glimpse of how God created everything (also probably via 5meo again) would definitively settle these questions for me (since experiencing true nonduality/infinity wouldn't leave any room for there to be yet another God behind God, and seeing how God created everything (including itself) would help a lot as well). Conceptually, I do think that nonduality makes sense, and answers these questions. It's just hard to get on board with this concept being the truth while I'm still in human form, since I (James) am such a small sliver of all existence in my current state of consciousness and I don't have access to anything remotely close to the totality of infinity/nonduality. My human experience (so far) has been one of only duality, and I have not yet gotten a glimpse of the rest of nonduality/infinity (which seems like something that I would *HAVE TO* experience to prove that me/God/nonduality/infinity are all truly one inseparable consciousness). But without this direct experience, I have no substantive evidence to support that nonduality is in fact the truth. Thanks again for your input!

One insight Leo presented that I learned from is that reality is nondual. Of course I have been writing about nonduality a lot, but not in relation to conspiracy theories which mostly are about us vs them, the good guys vs the bad guys. The conspiracy theories almost always have a simplistic dualistic perspective. Leo has a good point there. I like QAnon which Leo bashed, and it's true that the Q posts often seem to be a stark us vs them depiction, but notice that the Q posts also mention the importance of what they call 'optics'. I think the term optics here means how things are presented publicly. And that includes the Q posts themselves! My impression is that the Q posts actually are at a transpersonal level or close to it, very advanced stuff, but they also often give the impression of being at low personal stage levels, which I think of as 'optics'. Of course the Q posts are massively pro-Trump, but I find that useful as a contrast to what mainstream media presents. For example Q recently posted a link to this Trump video, and compare that to the picture we get from MSM (well, Fox News excluded of course):

Nonduality doesn't mean plain nothing, it is the unification of everything "In spirituality, nondualism, also called non-duality, means "not two" or "one undivided without a second". Nondualism primarily refers to a mature state of consciousness, in which the dichotomy of I-other is "transcended", and awareness is described as "centerless" and "without dichotomies"." There's a misconception that there is a difference between nothing and everything, that's why I prefer to call it "everything", or the "Self", rather than saying it's nothing or no-self. Denying ONE is not non-duality, is just self-denial which is not always needed to reach a deeper understanding.

but the point has no dimensions!! What I mean is that by saying reality is One (Monism) we are just looking at one of the ways 0 can be seen. That is still not the Ultimate.... That's why Nonduality is a much better way to point, no?

@INIT if you see an animal moving.. How is the thing that you call "movement" and "animal" separate or distinct? Is there an animal out there and a separate entity called movement? You don't see an animal and a movement of an animal.. You see one indivisible phenomenon. The mover is the movement is the object that is moving. When fingers move.. The fingers are the mover.. The fingers are the movement.. The fingers are the objects that is moving. Everything moves itself. It all can be solved by understanding nonduality. Any duality you imagine (mover-movement) is imaginary.

Nonduality = Monism Reality is ONE. And One/Many are identical when seen with absolute consciousness. The chief delusion here is thinking that one vs many are someone inherently different. One vs many is a duality which you must collapse. If things are not-two, they one. And if things are one, they are also many. One = Many You can't have many without one, and you can't have one without many. The problem these sorts of philosophy videos on YT is that they tend to be created by people who don't have direct consciousness of what they are talking about. So they treat these different philosophies in a purely academic sense. But of course Oneness is not a philosophy at all. It's absurd to frame it that way.

Yes. Awakening happened in 2005, and I found Leo 3 years ago. Funny enough...awakening happened before I even studied and read about nonduality and still did not really understand what awakening was (and so I was not seeking it).

That's why both "Oneness spiritual people" and dualists have beef with nondualists! Nondualists appear so damn paradoxical to both the monist and the dualist, because it includes both sides of the coin. Mmmmmm I think many of us confuse Nonduality with Monism, me personally I had never even heard about monism before this video I'm not going to lie. Pretty good stuff.

LOL the difference is sooo subtle tho. Solipsism means you are alone. Nonduality means YOU are all-one.

Your friend's theory that Hate could also be the ultimate nature of reality also IS. Why are you not loving that? Because its incorrect? It might be incorrect, but it IS. Love it or be hypocritical. But if you're hypocritical, I guess you love that also, cause it also just is. But that takes away the higher ground you stand on when making the statement all is Love. Because what are you really against here? What you are against must be Love if all is Love. gg wp Yes there is something here which has come to mind before... I mean we dont want to do to others what we dont wish done to us... When we see they are the same... But I've thought about many times what stops someone from raping you and at the same time by the nonduality "rule" this is all Love. So the one who rapes and the one who gets raped might not be real outside of time, but within the time story there definitely are some actions and events which are not love and we know what those are - we can feel it- its our morality from within.... So when we talk about concepts that point outside of time like the PEACE THAT PASSETH understanding and the LOVE BEYOND DUALITIES, we cannot really merge those with events that are in time and say "Everything here in time is love and you can just do anything and its luv dunn worry bro"... Because in stories there are always polarities and dualities. Good and bad.... It's the nature of experience/story to have polarities and the nature of the empty self to have no polarity and duality. Lets not mix up the two too much

That's Duality. There is no " experience "going on here. As in a separate experiencer experiencing stuff outside of itself. These are three separate things : the experiencer +the experience +the process of experiencing Nonduality means there is only one unbroken actuality. The experiencer and the experienced are one diffused thing. Look at a piece of paper. You're it. You're not experiencing it. There is no boundaries between you and your experience. You are the experience. You are the entire world. Everything that exists is you. You are omnipresent. From this perspective.. No one is there. Neither you nor other people. Because these are flimsy imaginary boundaries your mind impose on boundless consciousness.

@LastThursday exactly. There is a subtle difference between solipsism and nonduality .

Yes. Duality exists in the dimension of form; it couldn't be otherwise. Time and form are essentially divisive. Just because transcendent truth is a nonduality doesn't mean this world is unreal. Matter and energy exist, whether people want to admit it or not.

Nonduality 101 #. Reality is nondual. That means there is one thing that exists in reality. Reality itself. Existence is one thing. Every single duality you imagine is inherent in reality..is not. Is just an imagination. There is no difference between time and eternal presence. There is no difference between existence and no existence. There is no difference between me you Leo your mom your cat trump Hitler Jesus and a cheesecake. There is no difference between form and formlessness. There is no difference between you and what you see.. You and what you touch. You and what you hear. There is no difference between truth and delusion. Enlightenment and ignorance. There is no actual difference between any two supposedly distinct objects or concepts. All talk supposes duality.. When there aren't any duality. That's why you guys need to stop arguing. And verify it in your experience.

@Moksha no that's a misunderstanding. You don't abide in eternal peace when you're enlightened. You are eternal peace at all times. Your true self is peace itself. You don't experience peace as an object. If you still here as an ego to experience stuff outside yourself then you are not enlightened. You still in duality. The realization of nonduality is the most radical thing that can ever happen to "you". You will literally die. With all seriousness in the world. You as a separate individual will die permanently. There will be no longer any difference between what you see and you.. You and what you touch.. There will be longer a difference between you and the entire universe. You will disappear as a center of experience. And will become experience itself. You already are but the illusion of ego is veiling this. People don't appreciate how radical this is.

Nonduality is about stepping out of time. It will be the same now as it will be then. There is no 2000 years ago and 2000 years in the future. Those are in memories and imagination - and what are those other than mind (fleeting). It will be the case 2000 years in the future and it was the case 2000 years in the past. The present moment does not change. Only content changes. Content is not to be worshipped. That is true sin, when you worship form. For the Absolute is NOT IT.

The Unseen is Consciousness/Awareness. It is our true nature in direct experience - that witness that never changes. This is why many say "I am God". But that claim is usually misinterpreted, both by the say-er and by those hearing it. Because it is not the waking character/ ego identity which has form that is God, but rather the formless unseen awareness that knows that Ego-self. Then he must be you right now. You are saying it in other words. You don't really have free will. You have God's will. Your free will IS God's will. But ofcourse you are not God AS Ibgdrgnxxv, but you are God as the formless. So Ibgdrgnxxv is praying to Infinite consciousness/awareness. That to me sounds like the correct practice. There seems to be a lot of wisdom in the different traditions around the world. It can be seen as ignorant for some people who study and practice nonduality, but that is really just them not getting it fully.

Woah woah, why you putting fear together with surrender and prayer I'll tell you what ego is... Ego is this identification with the waking state character. You also have dream ego too, which you are only identifying with during dreams. And now you are in waking, you identify with waking character... It's normal. But all states are happening to you, so you cannot be in any of the states, you must be there in all states, so you cannot be any of the characters. The different characters/egos cancel each other out and you remain as the awareness that knows those. If you really grasp nonduality in direct experience you can see that it is not about removing all apparent dualities such as "Praying to the absolute" . When there is true nonduality and not egoic one, you see that what appears as duality is actually not. So there was never anything to dissolve and there was never an ego. Again, if you put your attention on the dream ego at night... That one never really existed... Only during the ignorance of the dream state did you think you were it, but even then it was not you. So whether it prays or doesn't pray really is not creating any sort of duality, because the entire state in which these doings appear is only imaginary. Your very post does not follow the principle you are trying to convey. You are writing a post to another human, "creating a duality". So if you do not pass your own critique, why should I listen to hypocrites? That's the thing, you seem to be confused about what nonduality is, and you appear to equate nonduality as a form of vegetative state where you can't do anything, because you would be creating duality. No no no its the other way around. No matter what you do and how hard you try you cannot create duality. You cannot create something that doesn't exist.

Nonduality IS insanity and madness from the POV of duality

Yeah you speak some sense. But I see many who are very into this model, so much so as they believe it is the territory. I've timestamped what is relevant to our discussion here, and I urge anyone who is using that point system and any other tool on the "path" to Enlightenment/Nonduality to get this. (Not necessarily posting for you @LfcCharlie4 since you basically said it, but check it out also cause its really true what this guy says - well the entire discussion is very interesting and fresh )