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@VeganAwake The whole notion that the ego is “a thing which can self-destroy” isn’t well grounded. The “ego” is an abstract way to talk about what the mind is doing when it constructs a conditional model of self and identifies with it. There’s no “ego as a thing”, let alone an ego which can commit suicide. To make a noun out of ‘ego’ doesn’t mean that there’s really some entity inside you which must die, these are just metaphors. Similarly, “enlightenment” is not some state that one achieves when the ego dies. More weirdo mythology there… that kind of talk just confuses the issue.

The 'blaming suicide on the leader' kind of behaviour is kind of silly in my opinion, but i get where those people are coming from. But they would never ever apply the same standards to a psychologist or to a psychiatrist.

Have just watched the first episode of the doc. Seems quite well done in terms of filming, and was quite inspired by parts of it. I found her response to her student voicing the possibility of disagreement to be boundary violating, unhealthy and innapropriate. However, apart from that it all seemed pretty great stuff. The stuff surrounding the episodes end about the dangers of her teaching seemed misguided. Strawmanning her idea of the suicide as a reset button by implying she was encouraging suicide was off the mark, I've seen that video and understand she isn't encouraging it, at least to my mind. The folks blaming her partly for their daughter's suicide can't really be said either way. It could well be the case that the parents are deflecting blame from themselves, or that teal's teaching actually did cause suicide. Further, stuff surrounding her not being licensed, while I get the view point its coming from, is more of a paradigmatic issue. She's into alternative healing, and also a form of healing she herself has devised, so certification and licensing is a lot less likely. Also, critiques of the actual content of her healing are standard sorts of things than all forms of therapies really get critiqued with. For example, psychodynamic therapy may be critiqued as dangerous for not first exploring nonverbal forms of therapeutic release before engaging in talk therapy. Plus, there were some points where she was simply being assertive. I.e. who gets to live with her. Thing is things like that will no doubt rub people up the wrong way, as assertiveness is often something vilified by people in society, even though its healthy. Overall, aside from the one incident, I actually was quite fond and inspired by portrayed Teal.

@ZenAlex I think all of those things could be mentioned, when we are talking about actualized.org if you want to interpret things in a bad faith way. This can be interpreted about actualized.org too, when we say that people actually don't understand what Leo is talking about and what Leo is teaching about . But you can get around this ,if you actually show a high level of understanding of the teachings and then lay out why they are dangerous or bad or anything that you have a problem with . You have to show a high level of understanding first, and then after you proved yourself to that community, they will be more open to your criticisms. This can be said about actualized.org too, if you want to interpret things that way. For instance, there are some people , who say that people on actualized.org committed suicide, because of Leo and because of his teachings . Of course, if any of the actualized.org members will disagree with that or if Leo will disagree with that, they can always say "Of course they disagree, because they are a cult". You need to justify positions like that in a different way, to be more compelling. There are some claims that are hard to justify, but if your claims hold any validity at all, then you should be able to show some evidence to justify them. Teal Swan's group is not new at all, if you can't show any video or any picture or any audio about her doing some shady shit (after all these years), then it will be hard to justify your positions only using some of her members claims. Just think about it, if there is really some shady shit going on, wouldn't you have more evidence than just a few ex members saying things about her without evidence (or maybe they actually have some evidence, but it is your job to lay those out). So far your argument is not compelling imo, because of these reasons: You are laying out your opinions on her that are up for debate. The reason why your opinions about her are up for debate, because you didn't provide any tangible evidence to back them up. The only countable "evidence" you showed so far is the claim, that her ex members are fucked up and they feel they are fucked up because of Teal Swan. But even that is weak, because those are just claims without backing them up with anything. (I could myself say some shit about some group without showing any evidence, and i wouldn't be suprised, if people would disagree with me) [ Now, of course the more ex members are coming up with claims like that, the stronger you position get, but after a while there has to be something that can actually back their claims up ] So without any compelling evidence, i don't think you will be able to convince anyone here, who disagrees with you. You need to make it so that your claims are not up for interpretation.

Since elementary school I've only wanted one single thing in my life: A girlfriend. 16 years later: Absolutely nothing has happened there. Last summer I was so depressed that there were only two chocies: Start doing pickup and all that, or kill myself. Unfortunately I chose the first. Since then my life has been a nightmare so bad I didn't even know it was possible. I've been on around 40 dates and every single one of them just end with a message the following day where they say they didn't feel the chemistry. Right now I've just had the worst night of my life, where not a single girl at the club I was at wanted to talk to me, and I probably approached around 30 of them. So far this year: All food tastes like ash and it has become so difficult to work out that I give up most of the workouts. I really wish I was dead. The only thing that keeps me alive is that I care too much about my immediate family to commit suicide. Now what?

I'm wondering if anyone out there is familiar with BPD and/or has experience being in a relationship with someone who has BPD. To be brief: I've been in a relationship with this woman for almost 6 years, and I love her deeply. However, I now find myself in a state of doubt, fear, and uncertainty. In February, she attempted suicide for the second time and spent a week in the hospital. It was a traumatic experience that I am still haunted by. Shortly after she returned home, I learned she was diagnosed with BPD (she also has depression and anxiety). Since then, I have rapidly become aware of how toxic these past 6 years have been, for me and her. Everything that confused me in the past has an explanation with this disorder. The more I learn about BPD, the more fearful I become that I am stuck in a never-ending rabbit hole of codependency, pain, and falsehood. No matter how firmly I know that I love her, no matter how much I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and no matter how much she means to me, I feel like I can't trust myself. I am reflecting on how many times I should have broken up with her in the past, and the logical part of my brain is telling me that I have to break up with her now as a result. But I absolutely do not want to break up with her. I remain optimistic for the future, regardless of the past. Essentially, I am worried the love I feel is a toxic form of attachment that my ego will never let go. So why should I think I can trust myself? There are many details I can provide to add context. Right now, I'm curious if anyone has ever had a similar experience in a relationship with a borderline...

@Someone here Of course you don't recommend someone of your fellow specie to committ suicide, that would endanger your specie. How animalic of you. Pretty much the only two things you are right about is that two people would get sad if I would committ suicide. And that emotions are changing. But the negative emotions outweigh the positive ones for me.

@Blackhawk bro..death is no joke . You don't know what you're getting yourself into. Seek professional help ASAP. You MUST visit a psychiatrist and be put under antidepressants . Be careful what thoughts you put in your mind . You attract what you think about .if you keep ruminating about death you will eventually end up actually committing suicide. That's the last place you want to be into .Trust me . I was suicidal and depressed for the majority of my life .but with taking antidepressants and working on my life purpose I got out of that dull state. You can too. I believe in you.

True. But people only stay Orange if they're happy in Orange, in which case there's no problem. If someone achieves what they want in Orange, and has a midlife crisis or whatever, then they'll automatically start transitioning / looking for something different. Stress will build until they do something, be it rediscover religion, spirituality, drugs, or suicide.

I don't want to scare people. But quite frequently I get intrusive thoughts and intrusive desires both about homicide and suicide. Is this an impure mind? I do recall Leo in a video stating that cravings for suicide were the results of an impure mind. I do notice that with meditation and shamanic breathing make these impurities go away.

How are you feeling today bro? If you've got suicidal thoughts like this then please forget internet forums and get straight on the phone to your local emergency suicide helpline. Best wishes man. Assuming you are feeling ok today ... "This is my belief". Are you saying this from personal experience or is it just a belief? If it's from experience then you're saying that you have experienced being most happy. In which case yes life is full of ups and downs and by that logic the time to be free from worry is when you're most unhappy because things will be on the way up. Why should that be a cause of feeling suicidal? It reminds me of the Buddhist talk about impermanence. "Every conditioned phenomenon is impermanent". Including happiness and also unhappiness. There was a time in my life years ago when I was kind of drifting and unsure what to do. But I was into Buddhism and used to see monks and visit monasteries. I was even toying with the idea of becoming a monk myself. I was talking to this monk and he was explaining how, before he ordained, he experienced emotional highs and lows, how it was a cause of disturbance and suffering. Now, after being a monk for some years practising intense meditation & mindfulness the highs & lows had subsided and he was more on an even keel, in the middle without getting involved in any dramas going on around him. He was happy like that. I thought about that a lot afterwards and decided I didn't want that kind of life, without the ups and downs, having flat emotions all day long. I wanted to find some passion even if it meant the emotional crashes too. So I didn't become a monk, and carried on looking for my passion which I did eventually find in loving a woman, having a family and a career. As well as continuing my spiritual practice. But can't say I got as enlightened as that monk though ha ha! Maybe my story is no help for you but there are choices to make around whether to jump into the river of life to find your passion or whether to try and protect yourself from the emotional volatility and avoid the drama. No judgement either way, whatever works for your happiness.

"Every epoch dreams its successor." I don't know what to say about the ziggurat - tbc throughout the day, come back in the evening - I need to go into a trance for this to remember... Maybe it was magic Like that photograph that someone took of us Something I imagined 'Cause when everyone said run, I fell in love I noticed one of You watching me during a very hard time in my life. I had tried to block out the knowledge that your eyes were on my words. I'd appreciated Your unique creative abilities and felt sad that you had to whore yourself out essentially, to make money - and thought that You could come up with something creative that would pay you well and felt disappointed that You had sold out - sold yourself to people who couldn't look beyond to see You - You were just a fresh face for most of them and that was it. I had been on two sides of the coin, attractive in my 20's and then gave up on it in my 30's due to mental illness, stress, and it didn't seem worth it because I'd learned that humans are fickle and shallow in that sense and I didn't want to parade myself around in order to hide my lack of true self any longer - they could accept me as is. I noticed that humans are concerned about one's appearance in ways that are not their business - and that most of a human's value relies on this, however, after meeting my true soul a few times, I know that I will be beautiful in the afterlife as just the ball of awareness that I truly am. I wanted to the fall, the fame The diamond ring, the way my blood would rush Like when we would drink too much A crush on drugs, a worship of our luck In my psychotic state, I had many awakenings to different natures of reality and learned how to project myself into the fourth dimension. I realized that I had fell from grace and could see and feel it within myself - I had made a deal with the main "You" - the one who has already lived all of his lives, and for a time considered You to be one of them. I told You what You were, what I saw You as and perhaps it bothered You or perhaps I mentioned it too soon. There is still Light in the darkness, but it is in concentrated hubs; bulbs - each skyscraper plugged in like a kelp forest and it twists and turns with the natural movement of awareness. I had thought it would be nice to add trains to each building, ones that went in a circular motion around each kelp ball. I had already made a deal with the main You - and had hoped that if I stuck with my visions, I could be elevated back to where I was - the wish that I had initially wanted to make I couldn't because I had sunk too far down - I was a denizen of a city that I was creating, but also wanted to escape. During certain times, the light would hit the city just right and we could recharge - Love was transactional in this world as a form of energy and beyond the cities, were great expanses of blackness that only "spiritual whales" had enough energy to cross, from one city to the next - I shamed You and berated You because I didn't want to be seen in the state I was in. I had felt it was unfair that I couldn't stay here without being seen. It's in my interests to Know there are those there, but not to Know why or when they are - yet I still desired to feel connected to something and with each session of bodily weakness, I send myself forward into the forth dimension, by staying very present, and pulling the corners of the walls of my livingroom towards my heart and Seeing the things in my visual field for what they were - and when this happened I would see archetypes and deities, and spirits and intentions that had taken off since the beginning of human civilization. From there I gathered what I needed to create this new world. We got Jesus on the dash, it all goes fast When you're kids in the big bad city No time to crash, true romance And the lights, they look so pretty I got together a pack of things I would need from etsy, everything a dark oriented being would need to cross over. I use it in my altar at this point in time - I would wear red because when you die, this is the colour that spirits can see the easiest and I wanted You to find me just incase my heart gave out. I was sick. Very sick. And this version of You had turned it into a joke and You made fun of my and stalked my account here for a long, long time. I couldn't figure out why, considering I had the same sort of creative mind that You possess, it was like You were destroying someone so similar - but less vain; prideful. I knew You had fallen for what You had done and I used black magick on You that ended up turning against me later on. I was so angry with You - and desperate to finish my work so that I could be aligned properly before death and this was something that no one could understand the seriousness or implications of. I was in school, this is a school and I was failing and needed to get back to the top to make my wish with the prima materia that I'd brought into this world with my own hands. This was art class, and my world was something I could genuinely bring into fruition with the materials that I had manifested through edging towards the death door. The world in our hands, make no plans When you're so young and so shitty Don't stand a chance, it never lasts When you're kids in the big bad city In this world, energy is created through the seven deadly sins, just like this one, people rely on this energy to keep going because they are not connected to God's light. You told me to meet you at a ghostly lit green gas station, that the lights would attract me as I walked down a desolate dirt road - I would see McDonald's. The golden arches. They use symbols that people recognize in the real world. This represented the gluttony that I had taken on as my own sin. You told me to pack as much as I could, to put - as the Egyptians added statues and replicas of what to take into the underworld, I could do the same with a sticker book. So I collected everything I needed in the little book to manifest in this new world. Getting to the city would be an adventure in itself and the gas station would provide a first stop - I could possibly die in the darkness, and the lights would attract me like a moth to the flame. With all of my possessions ready in my tangible bag - I began to design the city. It would be a "light hub" in the darkness. The other side uses symbolism that is easy for the soul to remember when it leaves its body. You told me You would come to me as a large black wolf with bright blue eyes - a "hellhound" - Your karma to carry those You'd mistreated along the way on Your back. Each and every one of You will have found their way into bardo - because THE WORK IS UNFINISHED AND THE CITY STILL STANDS - regardless of what I think, or what You think - The Work must go on. This is a mutual curation. I tried to destroy the city, but it's outside of my control, what happens to places such as these - they encompass mythology beyond what I am capable of understanding. I knew that if I made it through the dark desert, if I stockpiled enough to gorge on, and got to the outskirts, if I was able to hop on one of the trains to get to You - if I could just find You once more - that I could complete my work, could work on my karma. Could finally reach the city of light, the top of the world tree, heaven, home. And perhaps I would want to stay in this dark neon city for a time. I could go to school here. I decided I wanted to have a body that floats along, that I would be short with a pink tail and soft lop bunny ears - and with those ears I could hear the sounds of the city and the music of life and death in it's fullest capacity. I decided I wanted to work in the Great Library. It was so electric, like a call to faith How my pulse would race for you I never expected the withdrawal to make Every color turn to blue I wanted to be free from the body - to have something ethereal that feels good to move in. I wanted to be able to change dimensions, so that I could have the city to myself at times - that I could move through it without being seen - so that I could move with and become the music. I didn't want to leave, with so much left unfinished... but the time was coming soon, for me to go to the hospital to fix this broken brain of mine. I went through the death door after cursing You for Your voyeurism. It was a death curse - and when I opened the death door once more I was given the indication that I would be shot. I was terrified because my work was not finished. I could see the signs everywhere, in my paranoid state - every time I looked at the door to cross into the fourth dimension in order to build - I kept running into this insight. I wanted the flying high, look in your eye The cash, the crown, the luxe The mission's a suicide, at least we tried But never got enough Eventually, after a situation that I'll go into at a later date - I was hospitalized, and given meditation that helped with the paranoia... I resolved never to look back, to allow people to take from my work again - and so here I am, trying to rehash it all to see where I need to go. I'll have to open up the doors again - which work best on weed because I can think slower and more deliberately and it grounds me in my body so that I may manifest. What I learned is that human beings are not must humans, we are literally world builders, we have the imaginations to create anything we want after death - so long as it is aligned with the Truth. I found my story and my Truth through facing death - although I was a coward about it and still am, I still need time to work through it and to come to understand what it means for me. I would still like to reach as high as the stars so that as I move, talk, walk and live, I carry within my soul a new world to be birthed, one better than we have here. Here there are problems that need to be fixed and although I am limited in my ability to do anything now, I can take this death energy and my idealism and create something better for those who are ready to graduate to a more elevated type of living. I have no idea where it is going to go - I'm not sure if I am still stuck in the ziggurat or if I am free to make something new - it's up to the powers that be. We got Jesus on the dash, it all goes fast When you're kids in the big bad city No time to crash, true romance And the lights, they look so pretty "I hear my love, I live forever..." The City of the Dead. The world in our hands, make no plans When you're so young and so shitty Don't stand a chance, it never lasts When you're kids in the big bad city You see, I never wanted You as a lover. I wanted You as a brother - only the highest version of You - the One who watches over me from the other side, is the one - all other variations of You and the lives You live have imperfections that must be sorted out while the one who manages all Your lives so that You may gain as much wisdom as You can could catch me when I literally "fall". I never see You as a partner... and the relation to the One that I bring forth from the other side is simply a repetition of the rescuer/saviour dynamic. And it isn't a pure Love. I can't Love purely, but I can see the creative potential in every one of You and wish for it to grow. We got Jesus on the dash, it all goes fast When you're kids in the big bad city No time to crash, true romance And the lights, they look so pretty You got me frozen Colder than ice Bitch you don't love me Tell another lie Frozen 3:45 hit me with the text In the middle of the night Frozen Zero below I could die tonight When I'm way out of my zone You got me frozen Head to the toe, bound to happen when you love these hoes The world in our hands, make no plans When you're so young and so shitty Don't stand a chance, it never lasts When you're kids in the big bad city I Love You once more. *touches where my third eye would be* Not the human; but the sacred. Even writing this out simply does not do the details justice - I'll have to contemplate this one. Perhaps book 1 is the city, and book 2 is the archipelago, with the third being, the highest wish.

In my opinion, suicidal contemplation is entirely human. Suicide is fundamentally the deepest human conflict. And I believe most of us, if not all, contemplate this idea at some point in our lives. However, is it the answer or solution? No. Not at all. Depression or suicidal thoughts only appear "crazy" on the outside to those who lack empathy or true understanding for what are actually ancient/universal human emotions. In other words, they are normal to experience or come across in life. It starts to become an issue when these ideas or thoughts become more constant or begin to consume your entire mind or dominate your worldview. But even then, I wouldn't label you as "crazy". If anything, life is pretty crazy if you ask me! Personally, one of the things that's helped me in the past, is to create a safety-toolkit list of all the things which helps you find comfort, peace, and solace. I would focus on the simple, little things. For example, sipping on a hot cup of tea or coffee is something I find much relief and appreciation for whenever I am having a hard time. Taking warm showers or bubble baths is another great one. Listening to calming music, reading something that gives you joy, I have the Tao Te Ching that I often return to when I am feeling low and it always brings me to tears of joy and lifts my spirit back up; it literally gives me life. So if I'm having a rough day and I feel like the life is washed out of me, I will return to the things I know which feed me love & life. ❤️

Show me your last 5 years of profits and losses. Tell me which silver or gold or oil company is going to 2x in the next year, or what's currently the next Tesla. These statements are straight up delusional and dangerous dude. People who went to Stanford and Harvard who work at billion dollar hedge funds can't make 15% a year consistently. You're telling people that they're going to double their money every year DURING A RECESSION with a few hours of research? Get the fuck out of here. (I made an additional 33% of my work income from crypto both last year and the year before. But if I did it this year I'd be down 50%+ looool. I'm under no illusions that my crypto money is basically gambling. I put money in a silver stock around the time of GME stuff and made like 30% in a week. Then I sold and put it all in a psychedelics ETF and its down like 75% since then lollllllllll. And I did it in a tax free account so I can't even use it for capital losses LOLLLLLL. Getting a steady 5-7% per year is way better for most people than risking suicide-inducing swings in your net worth.)

Interesting. Maybe the "okay with suicide" and "okay with living" is the same shit. Because maybe you can't escape life. Search this on YouTube: "Quantum immortality".

@Carl-Richard listen to what Pete Davidson has to say Most BPD cannot come up with the courage to kill themselves. He said that They are suicidal most of the time Their suicidal threats should not be discarded as drama because some of them actually end up doing that under enough pressure. The fact that they give a suicide threat, might look like drama in the moment, but they are actually having the ideation and some day might act upon it. It's a cry for help. 80% of bpd sufferers feel suicidal from time to time, don't feel the courage to do it. But they are distressed. That's why the threat. 10% actually end up committing suicide. It's not a good idea to take their suicide threats lightly or call it drama or attention seeking or dismiss it. It's still a cry for help deep down although it doesn't appear that way.

to me fear is, how much of this am i willing to risk if someone says to me during today's meditation there is 50% chance you will die and 50% chance you will awaken, i will say let's do it i feel privileged in that i have nothing to live for, in this life i don't need anything, i am playing no role, no one relies on me, i have done what i want to do to die today is okay f-eel e-verything a- r-isk perhaps i am too immature to know of dark nights and beast's bellies (please don't misunderstand the above, i take huge delight in life and live to the utmost max and am not a suicide idealist)

@MusicalMillipede Morality is an imaginary constructed belief system designed to serve the survival an individual or collective identity. For example, murder does not serve our survival, therefore a common moral idea is "killing is wrong." This easily become a an expression of our emotions and fears when survival drives our entire ability to reason. Notice for example your emotions when you imagine someone pointing a gun at your head and saying "morality is relative." Your emotions could easily hijack your reasoning, this turning our rationality into another survival strategy. Hence morality is often designed to control undesired behaviors. Common collective moralities include nations and religions. Homosexuality is held in a strongly negative view because these people do not fit the traditional Christian ideology of God creating Adam and Eve. In this case what is being survived is a collective ideology when it's morality is made law. This is neither good nor bad per say, this is another expression of survival. In the case of a nation, you can look at patriotism and war. Soldiers in any country are put in a positive light as propaganda and described as brave. It serves the survival of a country to win a war, hence it must control the moral narrative as our national identity is survived. Other examples include suicide bombers today and during world war 2. In these cases, what is being survived is a collective identity whether religious or national. It can come at the cost of an individual sacrificing himself, believing that he is a hero. In truth, you are creating good and evil by imagining that it is so. A belief system is like the glasses you put on that makes reality seem a certain way to you. I encourage to look at yourself when you start rationalizing, and you will see what I mean. There is an even deeper truth that everybody is good, but this is beyond the scope of this question. It is such a beautiful thing to realize that it will be left in tears as you forgive everyone because you realize that there is no evil to forgive. Your essential nature is love and it is the source of healing, peace, and joy as you align yourself with your true nature.

Get rid of all the guns. Every major Modern Country got rid of all guns and only allow hunting rifles. The hunting rifle permit is expensive and the weapon came only be used in approved areas. The average human is not competent to handle hand guns, people can barely handle cars and we think they can handle guns? Guns are weapons of mass destruction. I can walk into a neighborhood with a handgun and take out several people before someone could shoot me dead. But currently at this time the NRA has too much political power, many people are stuck on their Amendment Rights, so America is going to have to watch mass school shootings for at least 2 to 3 more decades before anything meaningful will be done. This shows collectively where America is on gun ownership. Americans in general do not like mass shootings. But they are not ready yet collectively to get rid of their guns. It is what it is. https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2021/09/13/key-facts-about-americans-and-guns/ Look how the other countries dealt with gun violence. https://www.nytimes.com/2022/05/25/world/europe/gun-laws-australia-britain.html There are tons of studies that have been done. The verdict is out. Giving a human being access to a gun is way too much power. I have the ability to end someone's life at a whim. Don't get me started how there isn't even a requirement for people to go to gun ranges and learn how to aim either. We have driving tests for cars, but no certification on aiming and gun maintenance either? So some people have no aiming ability and when they feel threatened they kill innocent bystanders. Some people have bought their guns and never fired it. So they have no idea how to handle it and misfires can happen. Then there is the issue with it being too easy for suicidal people to get guns and off themselves and in some rare cases....commit murder suicide. But hey its fine eventually America will learn. We just need some more time...and some more bodies.

Nice drawing. Can you ask her these questions: 1. Why each year around 800.000 of people suicide, does she think those people might be new souls or how is suicide related to soul progression? 2. What's her opinion on God and what does she think about her existence like where she came from? 3. What is the most important thing to her besides you?

To me it seems desperate, but not crazy. I just can't imagine being in so much mental or physical pain that I'd rather die than live. Death is so scary and permanent. The only way I could see myself considering suicide is if I had chronic excruciating back pain or similar. I get depressed semi-regularly but even at my lowest it never seems like a viable option. I'd rather live a bad life than no life at all unless things were truly hopeless or I was getting tortured every day or something.

It's actually the opposite. Those shorties that leo throw are often misinterpreted by people. When the subject requires further explanation..he just give you one liners like "death is Imaginary ".and the likes . And this shouldn't be tolerated because it can be dangerous when newbies hear this they might do something dangerous. We have two cases of suicide in this forum for God's sake . I didn't want to bring that up but come on. Leo should definitely work on how he communicates in the forum.

October 2018 One day in October I discovered his texts to another girl.. And I was furious. Her name was Mosar (name changed).. She was a huge problem in the relationship I quickly grew very insecure because he wouldn't stop talking about her. I discovered a lot of flirty texts between him and her So I confronted Joseph on this. He was nervous and starting to get really violent with me. I was livid with anger. Joseph said that what if she wanted him. He also said to me that he found her hotter than me. I was completely furious. This was no longer just him flirting her casually, this was much more, Joseph was fantasizing being with her. I was very angry. I blurted out..... "go f*ck her".... I was in sudden panic. My chest was pounding. I wanted to be done with Joseph right that minute. The feeling of knowing that he wanted to cheat on me was very traumatizing. My first boyfriend was also into stuff like that. Men like that can never be trusted. They eventually cheat on their girlfriends.. Such men are never authentic. They are just players. I was ready to forgive everything but not cheating. It's just female nature. Something about cheating was very triggering to me.. Maybe because my very first relationship, the guy who I thought I was going to marry, SHT had cheated on me.. The pain of cheating was very hard to deal with. Anyone who has been truly in love knows that cheating can completely desecrate you. It is one sin you should never commit in a relationship. Of course there are exceptions to the cardinal rule. If you are unhappy with your partner and are going to be leaving him/her anyway, but even in such a case, it's best to first break up and then start your new romance. That day was a dark day in October. I slashed my wrist when I was home. I told Joseph about it. That was my last suicide attempt.

My third boyfriend Joseph I think the greatest source of my trauma bonding with Joseph came from his childhood. I'm emotional as I write this. Joseph's Dad Gene had abandoned him since Joseph was just 2 years old This traumatized me heavily. I really wanted to confront Joseph's Dad one day and tell him what a bastard he was to do this to his son In my mind, I could not believe a father could do this. My dad was the biggest person in my life. He had raised me with such great love I had attempted suicide 2 months after my father's death. I had missed my dad forever. I never got over his loss And here was Joseph whose father never spoke to him, never called him, never wanted to know how his son was doing. How could a father do that to his child? Joseph wanted to find and kill his dad when he was 13 years old.. I understood his anger. I had similar kind of anger towards my mom for abusing my dad. Joseph's mom Cindy was cruel and narcissistic. Joseph had Norwegian dad and Italian mom. Joseph's mom threw Joseph out when he was barely 18. Joseph was drinking heavily and doing cocaine. Joseph was sent to a religious catholic cult in Florida. They nearly abducted Joseph and took him to France where they confiscated his passport. And his life in France under the religious cult was extremely brutal. He would be made to sit out in the cold and left without food and made to work till he broke his back working for them. Their abuse, torture, bullying heavily traumatized Joseph. When Joseph was 21, he made an escape plan with his friend and they somehow came back to US. His mom wouldn't have him back. So he flew to Canada. Where he had his first gf. He was deported from Canada because his visa had expired. Back in the US, he found Rebecca in Colorado and moved in with her. He basically cheated on his Canadian girlfriend Crystal with Rebecca. Crystal was very upset. He basically slept with Rebecca and then told Crystal to fuck off. (he would later tell me that he would never cheat on me but cheating he did) He married Rebecca and had a son but during the first year of his marriage he suffered a heart attack. Rebecca divorced him post his heart attack. He had held a lot of resentment against Rebecca for leaving him post his medical condition. Rebecca had put a restraining order against him because Joseph had been violent with her on several occasions during the marriage and he had been arrested once for domestic violence when Rebecca was pregnant with their son. (Joseph would tell me that he was falsely arrested for violence and that Rebecca had cooked up a story). Hindsight Joseph had lied to me about his violent past with Rebecca. This became clear when he began to give me death threats during every argument we would have in the relationship.

Trauma bonding with Joseph At first Yogjif had promised Joseph that he would help him in every possible way. Now Yogjif began to deviate from his promises. There were arguments in these months. My time with Joseph wasn't good during this period. I remember sending him lots of gifts.. This time was very brutal for both Joseph and I. Joseph tried to calling Rebecca and called her a bit*ch and she blocked him. Now he couldn't talk to his son. Yogjif was constantly humiliating Joseph. Once Joseph was in the play area where the men were playing pool at the table.. Yogjif came, there was a scuffle and someone called 911. Yogjif was a big liar and he wanted Joseph out because someone was ready to pay higher rent. Yogjif told the cop who arrived there that Joseph had threatened to kill someone. Joseph was tensed and furious. I had called him on his phone and he informed me not to call him for the rest of the day He later explained me that he told the Cop everything that it was all okay. I was totally confused and I just decided to forget it all. The next week Joseph told me that he needs to move out because he has been served an eviction notice by Yogjif By now Joseph had been served evictions three or four times. I had lost count of how many times he was evicted in 2018. I was scared that he might never be able to have a home that he could call home. His chronic homelessness was wearing heavily on our relationship.. Whenever he was in problems he would take out all his anger and aggressions on me and my job was always to calm him down and give him support. By then it had become a routine for me. I loved doing things for him but of course there was no appreciation, plus I was being called a bi*tch on a daily basis. The name calling during this time was extreme He would call me bit*ch and who*re and even racist things.. He would say that he would kill me When I attempted suicide and told him about it. He told me "go die" and he said "I will put you out of your misery you suicidal maniac" Joseph had a total of 3 prior arrests. A domestic violence case for violence against Rebecca. Another arrest when Rebecca was at a restaurant with him in 2016 March when a black man attacked Joseph and the cops were called and the black man lied to the cops and Joseph was arrested.. This was shortly before the divorce . Joseph was in jail at the time when Rebecca came and served him divorce papers. The last arrest was when he was with Rebecca, married to her and a neighborhood woman had called the cops on him while he was fixing the roof of his house and threw some of the material on the floor and that lady had an issue with that. Most of the times Joseph was arrested falsely. I knew it. I believed it.. The divorce was also heavily against Joseph. Rebecca completely cleared Joseph's entire bank account, took his car, took his house and transferred it on her name, took his therapy dog and gave it to someone else, and took his son and left. Joseph was traumatized and left for the dead after the divorce. He had lost his home and everything in the divorce. Rebecca drove Joseph to a psych ward and dropped him off. When Joseph tried to return, she told him that he cannot come home again and that if he tried she will call the cops on him. That's when he became homeless for the first time.. After living in homeless shelter for a month, Joseph finally found a place at Kev's.. Which of course he was evicted in early February 2018. The divorce had given Joseph PTSD. For this same reason, I loved Joseph to death Him and I shared the same journey of struggle with PTSD with our past traumas. We trauma bonded.