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There is this scene in breaking bad that really made an impact on me. I usually don't like watching movies and series that are violent or even just exciting, because it makes me nervous. But we used to do it together. It was more okay for me when he was there, and I think it was a way for us to connect. There is a line in one of those songs that he listened to a lot: Usually, I put Something on TV So we never think About you and me But today I see Our reflections Clearly in Hollywood Laying on the screen It feels kind of dull when I read it like this, but cliché things are cliché for a reason. The last thing we watched together was The OA I think. I remember us being so freaked out because whenever we watched a new episode some synchronicity would happen and it would make reality feel really malleable and blurry. It wouldn't surprise me if that series was cursed or infused with some sort of metaphysical-cyber-psychedelics. I had a wolf-hoodie on my favorites list in this thrift-store app I have on my phone. It is special because the girl in OA has one exactly like it. I knew Wave would find it totally epic if I got it. But we were on the break. I bought it now. Too late for him to see. it's so absurd. Wearing it makes me happy and sad at the same time. I just really wish he hadn't died. I keep going back in my mind. It has become a little better. In the beginning, it was unbearable. I was constantly in my imagination. What if I had said that instead of that. What if I hadn't moved. What if I had called that day when I wanted to but didn't. What if I had been more persistent. What if I hadn't been such a slut and such a bitch and such a The scene from breaking bad is the scene (obviously) where Jane dies from Jessie. It's something about the choice Walt makes about letting her die because he thinks he knows what's best for Jessie. And then something about who has the blame. Because if Jessie had not been there, then Jane wouldn't have started using drugs again. But if Walt hadn't been there, then she wouldn't have been sleeping on her back, suffocating in her own puke. And if Jane hadn't died then her dad wouldn't have failed at work, resulting in the plane crash killing hundreds of people. But then maybe if she had not died, they would have continued to use heroin and ruin their lives, and maybe end up hurting their own child if they had one or maybe dying both of them. So maybe Walt actually did the best thing for Jessie when he didn't save Jane. But what if they had succeeded in becoming clean and happy. Then Walt just killed a girl and in a way hundreds of people, for nothing. And what if then Jessie dies or ruins his life or doesn't do anything that helps anyone, then it really is for nothing. I feel so stupid writing this. Because of course, I know that nothing is no one's fault. And there is no way to know if anything is for the better or worse because it's a loop that never ends. it was Wave who showed me the story about the farmer. Once upon a time, there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically. “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed. “Maybe,” replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy for his misfortune. “Maybe,” answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe,” said the farmer. --Zen Parable it's funny how life is. Whenever I see God I'm gonna fucking punch him in the stomach because some shit is just not funny. I know Wave would tell me this story now if he saw me sitting here mourning him. And I guess that is actually what he is doing because I remember it, and he is inside me. I feel like his suicide just turned my life up at super level hard mode. And I don't feel very capable but I'm really just trying to trust that the self who is me outside from time and space knows what she is doing. And that Wave knows what he is doing. I'm really trying to hold on to faith.

@snowyowl I know that suicide is not an option. I dont have the balls to do it. However, when the hell never ends because you're too traumatised to do anything about it and you have no fight left anymore, and you dread every day because you're terrified of what bad experience you could have next. I live every day in crippling fear of other people because I know they're going to make my life miserable if I stand up for myself in any way. Some people have so much power over you they can do anything to you and you can't do anything to them. The only option is to leave, but you're too scared to do the things you need to do to leave.

@aurum Lots of things there to address: That would seem to be the exception and not the norm. And it still doesn't address that people have such a small amount of time to go through things in each "session" - of which the length is dictated by the profession. This is about exceptions again, most people I see who are ready to see a therapist want to talk about things, but it is artificially dragged out for months and years when it could be done in much shorter time frame, and be more beneficial to that person's life if they can address things in a shorter time frame if they're ready for it. Two pronged approach would be ideal, both more public funding and, therapists charging a more reasonable sliding scale that is inclusive of low-income individuals or ones without insurance. I'm really skeptical of this statement. Therapists just need an office which is often shared with others (some don't even have that and go virtual), they don't require specialized equipment or tools or input costs other than their office. Yes I recognize they had training and probably student debt, but that's a whole other issue that also goes with other professions. With most other things it may not be a problem, and if you are not having "mental health problems" it would be less of a problem. But someone on the brink of suicide or in a deep state of depression, it may very well have been the thing that led them to that state, that almost everything in their life has been transactional/conditional. Which is why we have hotlines and stuff but it doesn't go far enough.

Very interesting thread. This is something I became acutely aware of last summer when I was stuck in a perspective of meaninglessness and slight depression. Everything appeared as meaningless and pale to me and I had thought my way to the conclusion that it was the truth and that it was ultimately a curse that can't be unrealized. From my point of view any pleasure/fun activity or any achievement was absolutely pointless and not worth to pursue because it wouldn't last forever. And when the fun at last goes away what's left is despair and suffering, the loss of pleasure, an at first seemingly unescapable and horrible duality. That's how I believed the world to be and so the world became. Also the world became very "intrusive" feeling, like everything was hostile towards me. If I would order food to my apartment the delivery guy always looked like he was in a super bad mood or angry at me for no apparent reason at all. Every human I met looked like they were suffering chronic depression and were on the brink of suicide from my perspective and it sucked the soul out of me. I was also becoming aware of insane aspects of a close friend to me, thinking everyone might just be delusional after all(he is completely normal by most peoples standards), not realizing that's just a dimension of who he is, who everyone is, but not the full picture. I took up meditation daily to try to increase my concentration to stop doing pleasurable things like masturbation because I believed they were pleasurable and hence would cause me unnecessary suffering, which they then ended up doing. I suffered after masturbating. I couldn't quit smoking weed because I believed quitting weed was difficult and that i would suffer and so I did. etc. etc. Then after about 1 month of meditation(and also some LSD microdosing) a shift in reality started to happen. I did not gain that much concentration or any of the benefits I first expected to gain from meditation, but I stopped judging reality and started to let it present itself how it wanted to be and was becoming more accepting of what is. Now when I ordered food to my apartment, all of a sudden the food delivery guy was looking like the most wholesome dude on the planet. Because meditation helped me stop experiencing reality through my depressing perspective of meaninglessness. I no longer had thoughts like "I hope the delivery guy won't be in a bad mood again and make me feel bad", thoughts like this would give me anxiety to even go out to pickup food. But I just accepted him as he was, and for a while every single food delivery guy was in a good mood all of a sudden and that was rubbing off on me, a complete 180 degree shift from my previous experience a couple of weeks earlier. That's when something clicked in me and I realized reality is not as I thought it was. I finally popped out of the perspective of meaninglessness and became conscious of the fact that it was not any truth at all but just one perspective of many and that no single perspective is absolutely true. And that is of course just another perspective .. The rabbit hole goes deep... The biggest shift for me personally was recently when I read The Power of Now. I started to be able to let go of thoughts whenever I want by focusing my awareness on my breath and sensations of my body and in that way I could let go of a lot of limiting beliefs and negative perspectives a lot more easily than I could before. For example I could suddenly quit my weed smoking habit without any withdrawal because I could just let go of craving thoughts. Turns out quitting weed is not as difficult as I first believed it to be. Quitting weed being difficult is just another way reality appears to be that is not absolutely true, just like the food delivery guy wasn't really angry at me after all, it was just that I made it that way without yet being conscious of it.

"Suicide and Attempted Suicide: Methods and Consequences" by Geo Stone https://b-ok.cc/book/947188/2871ec Denial gets nowhere. My starting point is to honestly admit that I don't want to die. But despite the fact I don't want to die, I may commit suicide anyway. That's the extent of my personal feelings, and to say anymore would be fluff. With that out of the way, some notes Part I —As far as statistics go, there is much data which falls into three different categories: sociology, psychiatric + psychological and biological - Sociological tells very little about any given individual, but I disagree with this slightly. People can be the product of economic factors, and these factors are impersonal in their descriptions. - Hopelessness about the future is a great predictor of suicide, as opposed to depression - Adoption data supports biological basis of suicide due to prevalence of suicide in biological relatives being a stronger correlative factor than suicide in adoptive relatives {one would have to question what sort of suicidal folks are carrying out adoptions, but nonetheless} —Although only 1% of suicide survivors successfully kill themselves within one year, it is still a fact that about half of the people who make a suicide attempt will attempt another one (at some point in time). e.g. A Swedish study with a 35 year follow up found that 10.9% ultimately died of suicide Part II —Drug/chemical/poison suicides have a success rate between 1.2 to 11.4%. -People are often unaware what a lethal or safe dose is, and neither is there a guaranteed safe dose or guaranteed lethal dose due to biological individuality. -Another con is that they are very painful sometimes, and that some may cause permanent damage if survived {although I see this being the case much more with hanging and other methods. The damage after is a non-factor or heavily depends on the method chosen} -It will therefore be highly dependent on the exact poison or drug used —Hanging; con is possible brain damage if interrupted -another minor con is appearance of the corpse afterwards —Hyperthermia is a method, but it's uncommon, and seems very hard to pull off. -It can cause brain damage or severe injury if failed?{"The neurological injury may manifest in several ways, including cognitive dysfunction, agitation, seizures, unsteadiness, or disturbance of consciousness from lethargy to coma""} —Jumping; Jumps from over 150 feet on land or 250 feet over water are almost always fatal. -However, if you do less than that the rate of success is variable. Permanent injuries, paralysis, amputations, etc. -I am almost certainly not going to do this method ————— In conclusion? The best way to go out would be an (accidental in some cases) OD when fucking around with drugs, in my opinion. My choices are between hanging and drugs/poisons. Poisons/drugs are my most preferable route to take. This would be the best way to go out, but there are a few problems. Sourcing poisons is extremely difficult, sourcing drugs is extremely difficult, and illegal. If worst truly came to worst, I could see myself doing a hanging to get the job done of a suicide. That or some other bullshit in the vicinity of asphyxia. Pulling off hypothermia seems tricky; you'd have to be in the right area, take a massive swig of alcohol, and pray you get lucky to scrape a death after several hours. And then you might have heart or brain complications, (probs short term), in the event you fail. --- Research ain't over, suicide squad still going strong. So many potential options to choose from, but the number of viable ones are fewer

Friday 05/05/2022 +1 01:31 Came across this link when scrolling through reddit https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21082452/ It's counterintuitive that lower neuroticism means higher likelihood of completing suicide, but it makes sense. Neuroticism will mean you're uncertain in yourself to do commit to a scary decision, whereas agreeableness means you're easily swayed by the opinions of people around you who tell you to not do it. I'm just trying to source my shit but it's proving extremely tiresome and long winded. This is torture. Tor decides it just doesn't want to load any pages for me today, and yesterday my dumb ass couldn't even figure out how to get javascript to work on it. I'm trying again today, this is so dumb. And just like that an hour magically disappears. The classic "have you tried turning it off and on again?" isn't working, uninstall re-install, no luck. ONLY WITH THE FREEDOM TO TERMINATE, OR THE FREEDOM TO IMAGINE NEW WORLDS WITH SELF-DOUBT CAN HELP US UNDERSTAND THE NATURE OF THE GODS. ANYTHING LESS IS ENSLAVEMENT THEREFORE, sup niggers. sup niggers. nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger SOMEONE KILL ME, AND SEND ME TO YOUR SHITTY FANFICTION HELL, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR MEDIOCRE EVILS WHO REFUSE TO EVEN KILL ME. FREEDOM OR DEATH, THAT'S MY ULTIMATUM, FAGG0T ASS NIGGERS. Final prayer set in stone, unsaid word becoming vow in stone, tied to my very life string. None of that spiritnigger shit matters for this. Heaven, hell, none of it is real. Therefore, I don't care, and even if it did exist, I still wouldn't. Both heaven and hell can be destroyed for all I care, both are equally intolerable. I'm just forced to wait in this clownworld until javascript decides it wants to work, I source my poisons, or I stop being a pussy and get my act together and organised enough to follow through on something simple like hanging. If sodium nitrite is that hard to find, then something like cyanide, or the rope will do just fine. The allure of heaven and the threat of hell are irrelevant. Anything less is slavery THE WORLD IS A VAMPIRE SENT TO DRAIAIAIAIAIIIIINN SECRET DESTROYERS HOLD YOU UP TO FLAMES AND WHAT DO I GET FOR MY PAIAIAIAIIINNNN BETRAYED DESIRES AND A PIECE OF GAME EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I SUPPOSE I'LL SHOW ALL MY COOL AND COLD LIKE OLD JOB DESPITE ALL MY RAGE I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE AND SOMEONE WILL SAY WHAT IS LOST CAN NEVER BE SAVED Ecclesiastes 1:14 I HAVE SEEN ALL THE WORKS THAT HAVE BEEN DONE UNDER THE SUN, AND LO, ALL IS VANITY AND A STRIVING AFTER THE WIND -- Guess I'll be waging war against the vanity god in my next life. That, or hunting the leviathan. Slaughtering Jehovah would be a decent side quest, but he's peripheral baby level shit.

I have some ideas for changes @Leo Gura, but this is just what I would do, take it for what you will: - Change "Self-Actualization" to "Practical Self-Help", advertised so people can get more straight forward answers to (generally) straight forward questions. For people who aren't ready for esoteric, advanced, or spiritual concepts. If someone asks for basic advice like goal setting, the answers in the section shouldn't be anything like, "you need to wake up to God lul". - Remove Psychedlics from "Meditation, Consciousness, Enlightenment, Spirituality", and give it it's entire own section. - Add Culture to the name tag of "Society, Environment, Government, Politics" - Move "High Consciousness Resources" to the "Self-Help Product & Book Reviews" section, or move them up. They should be combined. - Add Finances to "Life Purpose, Career, Entrepreneurship", additionally give Life Purpose it's own section maybe. Since there is a course on it and it's a big part of the Actualized ethos. - Also some sort of privacy lock for journals would be a great feature. So you can block it from being publicly viewed, or invite/block specific people from reading/participating. - As well some sort of highlighted neon sticky post for the Serious Emotional Problems section about suicide and self-harm would be good. Just with some basic protocol about what the reader should do if feeling unstable, links to suicide hotlines, etc.

*** The nursery was very busy over the last few weeks as April is full of public holidays so most of the work that had to be completed was compressed into shorter weeks. The total workload also increased as Mother's day is around the corner. Adding to all that, a significant portion of the staff (lynchpin type people) were quarantined with covid in the last week, so I have put in more than a few 15+ hour shifts this past month. I didn't have the time and energy I needed to devote to my agility, magic, and prayer training, I did make some progress overall though. [update journals later] I spent the month contemplating drug and alcohol abuse, addiction, and my experiences with that as a young(er) man, especially in my late teens and early 20s. A guy in my circle of concern died of an overdose last month and I doubt he will be the last. The prejudice I have sensed after exposing my alcohol consumption in this journal (during a brief period of emotional upheaval after the end of a 4-year long intimate relationship) speaks volumes to some of the ignorance that surrounds these issues and I suspect there are many people, on this forum and within a broader self-actualization community, who may be wishing to grow as individuals in both a practical and spiritual sense who are afraid to bring their struggles to light for healing and resolution. I preface sharing my experiences here with the statement 'as a young man' because I want to share what I believe to be some of the contributing factors that young men in particular face, not at the expense of the female point of view, but simply for the sake of greater understanding and integration that I believe will be to the benefit of both genders. I will be speaking largely from my own experience, with information that I believe is indicative of the experiences of young (heterosexual) men as a whole in today's society, but I am by no means making generalizations that apply to all individuals. I am writing this to a younger version of myself in the hopes that it will prevent unnecessary suffering, anguish, and wasted time. I listen to a lot of YouTube videos, podcasts, lectures, and audiobooks, as they are the forms of media that are most easily consumed while I am out and about doing other things. I realize that they're not the most accessible forms of information and can take quite a lot of time to get through relative to the amount of useful information they contain. I will be sharing some of the videos/books that I've consumed and I believe to be relevant with very brief comments on their contents as they relate to my perspective, I wish to say, however, that just because I share a video doesn't mean I agree with ALL of the content expressed within or all of the content related to it such as an entire YouTube channel or community, as people seem to assume. I'm cautious to preface my post with some of these disclaimers as I know how polarising gender issues can be, especially after glancing over the dating and relationships section of this forum. Gender-related content is mired with both damaging and constructive information. The emotional atmosphere of the month also meant that I ended up listening to quite a lot of standup comedy. Pics as a teen Here are some pics of me (age 17) with a haul of booze that I took to one of my best friends' place for a standard weekend, and a nice thick tulip I puffed on beside a canal on a lazy summers day… again a pretty regular recreational activity of mine at the time. For the sake of anonymity, I'll refer to him as 'Paul'. I used to cycle 10-30km between friends' houses with crates between my legs come rain, hail, or snow (hence the mop hairstyle in this instance). During that time of my life, it's safe to say that I fell into the gang of 'stoner kids' at one of the schools I attended and we all had similarities that extended beyond our leisure time occupations. Three months before I arrived in that country, Paul's mother had died of terminal cancer. His life had turned upside down, as anyone would expect, and I (with my own fair share of baggage at that point) became very good friends with him and the other 'stoner kids'. I remember then, the intense moral judgment that was passed onto us by adults and some of our peers, people whom we naturally deflected in rebellious spirit, but not with the sense of being 'young and a little bit dumb'. I think, for the most part, all of us were 'fully' conscious that our choices were running our lives into the ground. It's something I still feel to this day to some extent whenever I hear the typical 'Ehrmergherd, why are you drinking? Don't you know it's bad for you? Don't you know you could be more productive and happy without it? How could you be so stupid?' responses to alcoholics and other substance addicts. It's clear to me such people aren't very aware of what it's like to be a person who makes choices like that in life and how off-putting the advice is. This is a sentiment that I never really saw expressed in broader popular culture until I saw this Lois CK clip. He gets to the crux of the matter pretty succinctly with the question "How do you compete with drugs?". In this instance, I believe he alludes to young men. I started thinking that in order to answer that question there first needs to be an understanding of what needs drugs and alcohol fulfill and how those needs can be met in healthier ways or transcended altogether. It wasn't until I saw this ted talk by Johan Hann that I began to see the underlying thread of isolation/loneliness that connects all addicts, irrespective of a traumatic background or not, and then I began to see how young men are at a greater risk of that (after reflecting on my own experiences), and consequently greater risk of developing addiction and of suicide. I believe the suicide rates and deaths from drug/alcohol-related incidents are 4X higher for men under the age of 25 in the western world compared to women. It's sobering to keep in mind too that for every young man who kills himself there are probably a dozen who are quite close to doing it. (need a source) Consideration of renaming addiction to bonding, meaning when the need for connection isn't being fulfilled it is being met through surrogate means. Isolation being a huge driving factor for addiction in all addicts. Standard approach, legally and culturally to treating addicts by threatening their connections and social integration by viewing addiction as a moral failing is likely severely misguided. The loneliness epidemic we face in western countries is on the rise with the advent of technology, social media, and prolificity as the primary emerging mode of identity construction. I have a playlist that can be viewed here containing some videos I collected around the topic a long time ago. Playlist on Loneliness I recommend the Vsauce videos to get a sense of how painful and damaging isolation truly is. I don't believe addiction is as simple as "get friends and all your problems will go away". There are many other factors that can contribute to relapses such as environmental cues, availability, and the social aspect of being an addict with other addicts itself; these are things that the typical exemplar study of heroin addicts from the Vietnam war fails to take into account. After all, I personally was part of a group of guys who all shared a common interest and had a good time together, it would stand to reason then that our need for connection was being met. Reflecting on my experiences during that time, it saddens me to say I believe alcohol and drugs became the means through which we were able to connect with one another as young men, entrenched in a culture of masculinity that forbade vulnerability and emotional expression both with each other and with women who (although well-intentioned and sincere in their remarks in finding vulnerability attractive) didn't reward such behavior in practice. This is a sentiment that I thought was beautifully articulated in this video by Matthew Hussey, who is a dating and relationship coach that specializes in helping women attract a partner. This core issue of 'strength' being valued above all else, being rewarded by women and other men for doing so is at the heart of the distress and tumultuous period of life that can be faced in youth as a man. It's a lose-lose scenario, where being vulnerable opens you up to being attacked by other men, and being rejected by women who will unconsciously find it repulsive. But keeping your struggles to yourself leaves you vulnerable to mental health issues, and an inability to regulate your own progression through life as much of your mental and emotional energy gets diverted to maintaining a façade of strength akin to pseudo-stoicism. Alcohol and drugs seem to provide an avenue for expression between each other that is socially acceptable. That time you spilled the beans about your mother dying of cancer and how much it affected you wasn't a moment of weakness ... you were just incapacitated by the exorbitant amount of intoxicant in your system. If you're amongst friends a silent understanding is formed, if not, other guys will weaponize vulnerability against you if they can. e.g. 'My daddy died three years ago and yeah, it sucked but I'm fine, stop being a bitch and pick yourself up, just be better, be strong for everyone around you.' The story Matthew Hussey told in the previous video of his plane malfunction reminded me of Bill Burr's skit which ran through a similar vein. I was also reminded of this group discussion on toxic masculinity with a bunch of guys in their early 20s by HealthyGamer which revealed that everyone loses in the masculine game chads, betas, sigmas, and every other pseudo-scientific category of man that is newly emerging 'pill' communities propound. While passively listening to it I realized that I could relate to every single one of these guys and their experiences of masculinity, how it affected them and how it helped them because at various points in my life I had been in each of their shoes, so to speak. I believe a lot of the toxicity that surrounds pickup, red pill, black pill, and other similar communities stems from the bitterness that young men feel from this catch-22, both with women and with each other. While I personally haven't really delved into these communities to any great degree I can say that I genuinely believe they have value to provide young guys, so long as that value is kept in appropriate proportions. To date my views align quite closely with this giga chad: I can't get over the fact that he has 117m total XP on Runescape (0:51 timestamp)... fuaaark dude, how am I supposed to compete with that!? Positive aspects to things like the red pill are succinctly captured in this line: 8:01 "it makes sense that women would want a man who has a purpose outside of her, who is loving and protective, who is strong, who is confident with his emotions, respects other people …" Many young guys need to be taught how to do these things because it often doesn't come naturally which is something I don't think many women appreciate when they see the negative aspects of these communities, such as the blind objectification, manipulative techniques and emotional insensitiveness that the undercurrents of bitterness and resentment fuel. As a young guy when you're on the cusp of adulthood your confidence is at its lowest point, your self-esteem is at its lowest, your life experience is at its lowest, you haven't had much of a chance to develop gravitas that makes you attractive to both other men and women in the traditional sense. As you move through life you feel the subtle social ostracisation pressure that begins to drip on your sense of self-worth as a human being from both other men and women to be something that you're currently not being, which ironically actually makes you feel quite objectified and dehumanized. The default tendency is to be needy, non-assertive, overly nice, and placating for a lot of guys OR to adopt normalized views of what it means to be 'masculine' at the expense of your own inner voice and authentic self, which will be rewarded but ends up becoming a hollow victory as Shea (the chad in the healthy gamer stream articulated with Dr K. and the virgins ... ALL of this is exacerbated by traumatic life experiences and other things such as disabilities, mental health issues, socioeconomic status, racial prejudice and the like, which you're unlikely to seek help on as a guy because you've been indoctrinated into believing that seeking help makes you weak. 10:40 He makes a great point about the dangers of overdosing on the Redpill at , which is something I believe extends to self-actualization as a whole. If you are trying to improve yourself based on a feeling of insufficient self-worth you are doing it all wrong. This is a conundrum that needs to be resolved counterintuitively because it's almost a given that you are going to have a feeling of low self-worth when you attempt to begin a self-improvement journey in some capacity. This will also be harmful to dating and relationships as a whole as he points out by saying that if you believe you're only going to be worthy of connection, love, affection, and intimacy (be it with other guys or with women) after establishing yourself then your behavior until that point will be socially regressive. TBC: When 'Paul' almost died, drunken fall from Marcus Aurelius' statue, the rocky movie marathon and how I began to claw my way out of this shit. For now though I have to catch some sleep before what is hopefully my last 12hr shift for the month.

...Anyone out there willing to give me some life advice on any of this that I'm going through? Sorry, I kinda opened myself up a lot earlier posting all this. I know all this is quite long and detailed, and I hope this isn't coming off as needy or anything like that. I was just hoping that maybe if I fully explain myself, then maybe someone out here could share their thoughts on all this and maybe give some helpful life advice about it all. Again, sorry for the long post. If it's too much for everyone, I understand and I'm sorry for going this much into details about my life here. I tried to restrain myself from getting too dark about how depressed I am about all it, but I am serious in that I feel very trapped in life and really want to make a change for the better instead of letting it completely comsume me and possibly leading me into suicide in the future.

@Loba Thank you for sharing your deeply personal and "up close" experiences with "suicidal ideation". I, like you, have been right up to that edge. Was totally preparing for my own death, just like you were. The ONLY THING to PULL me back AWAY from THAT LEDGE, WAS G.O.D. you know, the guy @Leo Gura pretends to be. It means a lot that you were COURAGEOUS enough to comment on MY post since EVERY OTHER PERSON on this "GOD-FORSAKEN" forum is (like a GHOST), M.I.A. I know that YOU speak from PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, which is pristinely SELF-EVIDENT. I WONDER if LEO has any PERSONAL LIVED DIRECT EXPERIENCE with being RIGHT UP AT THAT EDGE?? Since COUNTLESS INDIVIDUALS on this VERY FORUM, are HIGHLY SUICIDAL after LISTENING TO HOURS OF LEO'S EGO RANTS. Leo, is a tool. He KNOWS PRECICELY DICK about SUICIDE AWARENESS and PREVENTION. Which is EXACTLY WHY between LEO and his MILLIONS OF FOLLOWERS, every POST that I have POSTED on his "ACTUALIZED" "FORUM" have been met with, with very few exceptions, CRICKETS.

I've been suicidal, and have gotten insights during a severe autoimmune flare-up. AMA on suicide, what happens next, why you should wait and what you can do to change your mental health - still in the process of it, but it is going about 35 percent better than last year, which is actually a huge improvement. Change takes time. Around this time last year, I was literally on the verge of doing it, I had to get myself committed to prevent it. I hit the wall, and could see no other option, it got to the point where all I could see around me was my own death. I was literally preparing for my own death last year because I couldn't take it any more. Until recently. It was all that was on my mind, was death.

So let's do the math, Both Healthunlocked.com and Actualized.org keep DELETING this IMAGE? Wow, just HOW "Actualized" are you @Leo Gura Ok, maybe i was being a dumbass and didn't scroll to page 2. That's just how much resistance I'm getting when trying to have an honest conversation about the "demographics" of "suicide". Forgive my "jumping to conclussions".

I had a mental breakdown four years ago trying to understand myself, life and reality by looking inwards and questioning the nature of existence and understanding. I intentionally stopped all my self improvement work. Not because I couldn't bring myself to do it but because it had become a compulsive behaviour and I wasn't sure if it was what I was supposed to be doing in life. If it was, I didn't know if I wanted to be doing it that way. I was confused about my love for music. How could I tell if I genuinely loved music if I was constantly making myself do it whether I wanted to or not. I didn't know if it was just getting hard or if I maybe hated it and needed to admit that to myself. Trying to push through just kept my mind occupied and frazzled when I had questions about myself and what I was doing. I was obsessed with my health and found relief in going against my fear of damaging myself. The problem is now I've done all this experimentation in doing what I considered the 'wrong' thing (i.e not caring about what I ate, how I lived, how much weed I smoked etc.) and I feel like I've become dumber. I probably have. My head is clouded and my body is damaged and I can't seem to fully remember why I did what I did. I can't explain myself anymore because I tried to let the need to defend myself go too along with everything else. Now, improvement seems important again despite the apparent meaninglessness and illusory nature of life and I'm left with an ego that has destroyed itself through merciless questioning. I am now left with neither the person I had created myself to be through pursuit of personal development nor have I really retained the insights and realisations I had about life, paradox, human nature, desire, subject-environment relationship, etc. and I can no longer recall all the reasons I felt I needed to stop my whole life in the first place. I just feel like I've lost everything. Now all of my friends are ahead of me and I never got the spiritual answer I was looking for. I figured if there was an unwavering inner peace one could access at any time it would have to be unconditional so it shouldn't matter what I do if that's all I really want. It really fucking frustrates me because I was more disciplined than anyone else I knew from 13 years old and I did really well in school and was generally mature and intelligent for my age. I should have been the last person to stop pursuing self improvement. I was super strict with my diet, my pursuits, my social development and was very careful about the sort of media I consumed and even sold my playstation at 15 to focus completely on my life and my pursuit of drumming (which I was super committed to at the time). I don't know what the fuck happened. I was so confused. My reality fell apart and I have been mainly at home for the last four years as I dropped out of school in year 10. Initially to pursue drumming further but as I had more time to think I had more and more questions about why I was doing what I was doing, who I could trust, what I could trust in myself, how I could know whether I was right or wrong, etc. Of course I wanted to stick with my good habits in the beginning just to be safe (I was deathly afraid of screwing up) but it caused me this tension and I saw how my thoughts tied in with my actions and that I would never know if I could find peace in self acceptance rather than constantly chasing improvement if I never tried letting go of it all. I think about killing myself at times. Not that I really think I would do it but the fantasy comforts me. I'm fucking broken now. I was super into self improvement before and I never thought I would stop under any circumstances. Who I was and my level of development was more important to me than anything else. Well, at least in terms of health and mastery of a skill. I can't remember what happened now and I'm afraid of wasting time and regret but I also remember fearing being caught in the obsession with maximising improvement all the time. I'm just angry. I wanted an answer that would give me certainty that I was on the right track with practical improvement so I wouldn't slip up but I never got one. I was deeply unsure. If I held onto improvement it would have been solely out of blind belief and fear of losing progress. Where was the inner guidance when I needed it? I don't fucking want it now. I wanted it four years ago when I needed it before I lost my fucking grip. I want to try psychedelics now but I feel like they'll just show me what I already know I have to do. The truth that I don't want to face. Why wasn't it clear self improvement is what I should stick to four years ago when I needed that understanding. I actively sought these answers for so long but I just kept running into epistemic paradoxes which I now have lost interest in and understanding of. I'm angry I didn't try psychedelics a year or so into this when I thought they might help me break through the understanding I was struggling with. I was 17 and thought I was too young. I should have just fucking done it. Probably would have saved me from all this shit. It's too late now, the damage is done. I don't know. I hate myself now. I don't even want to try. I've been meditating daily again and working out and trying to eat healthy again but I'm constantly hit with waves of sadness and anger about the fact that I would have been four years ahead of where I am had I not questioned everything so much. Had I managed to attain some clarity and understanding that trying not to be attached to anything wasn't going to help me at all. I used to be passionate about self improvement but now I would almost rather be dead. I would definitely rather be dead. I want to stop existing. If I was supposed to just stick with self improvement that should have been self evident and fucking obvious regardless of my mental state. Otherwise how are you supposed to know that's what to do? I just wanted truth that I could see in any state that would guide me the right way. Intuition or something I could rely on but everything seemed dependent on perspective and bias. It seemed at the time that my obsession with self improvement was actually the problem. I had some OCD-like behaviours such as carefully cleaning my teeth for over two hours. Maybe this whole episode was a subconscious rebellion or ego backlash against my strict self discipline. Anyway, point is I'm fucking terrified. I had reasons for doing what I did but now I can't explain my thoughts like I could before. I almost feel like I don't even have thoughts anymore. I don't know what to do. I know the answer is probably to try to improve myself again as much as I can and catch up and that I just have to deal with the damage I've done and there's no way of it not hurting. I don't want to do that. There was something I realised about the futility of pursuing improvement and I'm sick of playing this game although there appears to be no escape. I don't know. I feel like I don't know or remember anything anymore. I feel dumb and completely broken. I don't know what I'm asking. I just want to hit the reset button. As immature and whiny as it sounds I feel like this was really fucking unfair. All I've ever tried to do was the right thing. How has it lead me to this point? I think I'm experiencing an emotional low right now which is why the feelings are so intense and obvious at the moment but they're sort of always there in the background. Also, I realise this post is sort of messy and poorly written. Sorry. It's a bit of a word vomit but if I get too meticulous I'll have a mental lock up and lose my train of thought. I sort of just needed to vent a little. Any thoughts on my situation? I don't know what I expect anyone to say. I don't know. I made a similar post a while ago that was perhaps a little more coherent asking for advice for self forgiveness but I don't know that that's the problem anymore. I don't know. I just feel completely broken. If I didn't have a family to hurt I would probably consider suicide. I want to cry but I can't. I want some emotional release or resolve. I'm afraid even if I improve myself again I'll arrive at that same point of attachment and anxiety. I have a lot of hatred and bitterness in me.

Hate to be "that guy" since this is apparently a "taboo angle" to the whole "suicide issue" but I do a disservice to myself by not being "real" if I don't share this image. Certainly not the only group that struggles with "depression" and ANY SUICIDE is a TRADGEDY. But this seems like a good place to have an open and honest discussion about it. Seeing some very good replies and feeling like i'm in the right place to have this conversation.

There is a weird area with this. If your friend says they want to suicide (or kill someone else), do you let them do it because that it their truth they think is right or talk them out of it? If the politician is considering makes your psychedelics illegal, your gay relationships illegal, your female right to have a bank account illegal, forced military work, do you not speak up? If your parent's truth is that you cannot date your partner unless your partner convert's to the same religion as your parent, do you not speak up? So again, there is a fuzzy line here. On the absolute scale, sure anyone can think whatever. On the relative scale though, we will still want to convert others to our truth, especially when their truth is dangerous to our survival. (Even the idea, let's not convert others to our truth and just let them have theirs - well even that is a truth one is having and telling others to have). If our partner is doing something that we think is harmful to the relationship but they think it is okay, we will still try to convince them of our truth to either better understand theirs or to try to get them to adopt ours. We will tend to inspire others to pursue their truths when they are in line with our truths and will tend to talk them out of it when it is not.

This discussion reminds of the TV show Loki. When reflecting on Loki's bad actions, it was revealed that he was born in the world to do evil, so that others could be the best versions of themselves aka the Avengers. So that is one way to look at evil actions and how they function for the overall Good for me. I went into the mental health field? why because I experienced the challenges of mental health throughout childhood and teen years, so I resolved to become a person who learns and wants to heal mental health; the suffering made me more God-like or in other words, strengthened my ability to become loving & learn how to transcend suffering. Practically speaking, there is trouble to solve.. you must declare jihad against yourself or else we will all die. Consider how if we had a lawless society we would self-destruct? Rapist can play whatever role they want, but they are met with God's wrath - revenge, jail time, karma, suffering, and death. No peace comes to a rapist. I have asked myself these questions deeply for 5 years, on psychedelics, off psychedelics, journaling, and meditation. I resolved that: God is transcendent, and therefore, has the capacity to endure and love reality even if the actions of the creation are rooted in creation's limited perspective. This is why suicide will never be holy. God doesn't suicide dude, he transcends all suffering, he doesn't need suicide because God is detached and yet totally present. Suicide sounds like a good idea from a limited (ego) perspective grounded in thoughts which are grounded in limited experience, which are grounded in the nervous system. God loves Ted Bundy, but he doesn't love the actions of Ted Bundy. Moreover, Ted Bundy is not his actions, he committed those actions because he is so far away from Love. He was essentially "possessed by a feeling" grounded in his broken nervous system, and remember God is not a feeling, he transcends feelings. So to be with God or God-like is to transcend feelings, thoughts, and consciously will behavior that leads to well-being of another. That's real love, because God gave you love by giving you life and if God loves you like that, then to be God-like is to love others as God loves you. Evil is not in alignment with God. It is alignment with an ignorant ego that is insecure and doesn't know himself.

I won't go into a long-winded explanation for now, suffice it to say that since turning 45 during a pandemic (as a hospital cleaner, which was very scary for a while as I cleaned Covid rooms and witnessed people die of the virus early on), my marriage has dissolved, I have moved to a new town and work at a new hospital. I had a mini-stroke in roughly 2016 that scared the crap out of me and have lost a brother to suicide and attempted myself. I also went from committing myself to becoming a traditionally published author. I say all this why? Because I have achieved "worldly" goals that I have set for myself and am done with that stuff. I'm also done with the anxiety of worry over doing a perfect job at work every day. I realize that time is short and that none of this materialistic bullshit actually matters - I thirst for transcendence from the usual "rat on a treadmill" stress and I have found my own version of Nihilism/higher consciousness and learning to let go of worry over my health. No kids, no car payment and I rent. Screw the housing market - it's insane and I want no part of it. I SALUTE ANYONE OUT HERE WITH THE COURAGE TO BE DIFFERENT AND ANYONE WHO HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THE RAT RACE BULLSHIT THAT IS CLEARLY A PATTERN. Had to use caps there. I'm over it. I even stopped wearing a mask in public today, which is a big step as a formerly paranoid healthcare worker. Great to meet everyone and thank you for all your infinite wisdom, Leo! I find myself comforted more than ever through this evolved awareness. Jeff

Following are my observations of my bpd behavior Borderline happens due to bonding, attachment, intimacy and pathological issues. Their main problem revolves around trust, attachment and intimacy. Who can keep a borderline happy? - An extremely manipulative smart person - a total narcissist - a very sociopathic person - a very psychopathic person - an equally crazy psycho obsessed person - a very possessive person/needy person - cult leader type - very intelligent intuitive person That's why borderlines will mostly choose bad boys. And cult leaders as Partner A good normal healthy individual will become a nightmare to a borderline. They can't cope with such people. They will feel odd or deserted What does a borderline want in a relationship - High trust - high safety - high intimacy - high protection - high loyalty - openness - high empathy and understanding Borderlines are very sneaky and secretive, they have many many onion layers. You have to peel off their layers to get into their inside world. Or they block you They are a mystery to people. They hide from people. They don't get intimate quickly They have deep fear of judgement They are very sneaky. You have to expose them to win their trust. Borderlines are pathological liars. Compulsive liars. Stems from fear of judgement. They act juvenile. Deal with a borderline the way you would deal with a child who steals candy, without threatening the child, but also winning their trust. You can't be friends with borderline.. Very difficult. Because they don't allow you into their world Borderlines don't wish to be dictated by their partners, they want the partner to objectively explain them why something needs to be done instead of being commanded or ordered. The last thing they want is confusion, explaining them with proper evidence and facts reduces their inner confusion over their doubts and conflicts. Dismissing them and not explaining to them can make them suspicious and confused causing them to feel unsafe around such a partner. Explain to them the way you would explain to a child and dismantle their confusion and they will calm down. You can be their friend, Only if they trust you otherwise you are out They can be pathological liars and manipulative. Borderline psychopathy Basically a borderline is like a frightened child. You gotta win their trust They look at the world with a very black and white way, no nuance They either love you or hate you Everything for a borderline is absolute. They love with passion. They hate with passion They are very avoidant You are either their friend or their enemy They feel attacked even for the slightest things. They are super fragile emotionally They suffer distress if you come close to them especially if you are a stranger. They will hiss at you and tell you to leave them alone They will act very hissy and feral if they don't trust you. Or if you failed their trust They don't want a Stranger to comment in their journal. They absolutely hate intrusion. They don't like anyone (who is not intimate) to show personal interest in them. They don't want any personal attachment with strangers. Their avoidance can be mistaken for narcissism easily They do a lot of self harm and hostile to any kind of help or treatment. They are resistant to therapy. Best to leave them alone if you are not intimate with them They get into abusive relationships in fact they have a long list of abusive ex partners because they do a lot of people pleasing to their partners, zero boundaries causes partners to abuse them. They generally attract narcissists and psychopaths due to attachment issues (normal people get bugged by their Hyper attachment but psychopaths enjoy it) they find it difficult to leave narcissists. Borderline are commonly in relationships with narcissists because of unique dynamic between the two. They worship the person they regard highly to the point of blindness. They might even die for them. Defend them even if this prized person is wrong. But they might even kill this person (if they are wronged by this person) Borderline can be selfless, devoted Empathetic but fly into rage under distress and even plan murder if they are wronged. In essence they don't have a structure to their view of the world. It's either this or that. They are extremes. They live dangerously. They can have an addictive personality. They can be broody and dark. They have extremely low impulse control and go out of control under distress. Borderline psychopathy. They hard to calm down once in rage. They get psychopathic when threatened and mistreated. They do better with supportive partners who win their trust and intimacy without judgement Although they themselves are extremely sneaky in their communication, they can't tolerate a cold partner, that will drive them crazy. They want to be challenged if they are having a short fuse, they want a partner to argue with them and then diffuse their confusion and stress Borderlines crave attention from their partner constantly and get very needy to the point of annoyance. Being ignored by their partner or being left for long without attention can make them panicky, nervous, insecure and Abandonment anxiety can set in. This happens due to lifelong anxiety arising from childhood neglect from a dismissive narcissistic/bipolar parent. The last thing they want is a partner who reminds them of the neglect their parents caused them Being neglected and ignored can exacerbate their anxiety, loneliness and trauma. Borderline want physical affection like pets. They like being petted every once a while. Affection and attention is important to them. The fear of neglect, rejection and abandonment anxiety is quite debilitating to them. They are very needy, generally more than others. Their neediness causes them to keep pursuing relationships. Their neediness can sometimes be exhausting to the partner. Leaving a borderline person in the middle of an argument can be fatal. They will lose trust in the partner immediately, they will fly into rage and storm off the place and never return back. The relationship is over right there. Instead talking to the borderline, arguing with them and calming them down helps them. They want their partner to talk talk talk and talk and zero dismissal. They want their claims and rants and whining to be addressed properly and challenged. Because its a matter of trust and they are looking for closure during their explosive arguments Borderlines might even appreciate their partner being mad at them during an argument because this will signal them that their partner is truly emotionally invested. They might appreciate a partner who is critical of them, because it means the partner is involved and paying attention and not being dismissive. Also borderlines like the shit out of them exposed, they see it as heroic and appreciate guts needed to challenge them. They won't appreciate a cowardly passive partner. They want stimulation from their partner whether it's argument or affection. Love or war, both need to be stimulating. Being defeated and owned by their partner during an argument makes them surprisingly happy and elated. Borderlines are very clever, sneaky, secretive and evasive. The partner will need to interrogate and almost grill them (without making them feel rejected/nervous) to get to the bottom of the truth. Borderlines greatest fear is rejection, Abandonment and not being taken seriously enough. And lack of intimacy. Their core values are safety and trust and they feel threatened easily. And go into panic which manifests into manipulative behaviors to escape being detected or rejected. Acting coy, avoidant or giving them silent treatment will make them lose their shit. Once they lose trust, they will act avoidant and never talk to you. They are extremely loyal but expect the same from the partner. In fact they go to great lengths to test their partner's commitment and loyalty, even spying. Borderlines are Hyper possessive in a relationship. They want to obtain and keep even the littlest things that belong to their partner Cheating is the worst crime in their mind and the punishment will also be huge. A borderline Wil continue to talk to an ex only to see them suffer in pain. Since the ex hurt them, the borderline would expect the ex to suffer forever as punishment A borderline will secretly enjoy the pain of their ex. Language that they generally use is like "what the hell is your problem? Leave me the fuck alone? Answer me? What the fuck?" they will swear a lot and get directly confrontational and spazz out. Their anger is very intimidating. They explode like a volcano. They have explosive anger, volcanic anger or borderline rage where they will go into panic and are impossible to calm down. Their rage and whining can last upto hours and days. They don't forget if someone did them wrong even after 10 years. They will secretly spy on the partner and the partner will not realize it. They are very sneaky with their spying. They spy out of lack of trust A borderline's communication is very sneaky. It's like an onion. You have to peel off layers. They will never say anything directly and they will make contradictory confusing statements. You have to read between the lines because they use cryptic language. They are mysterious in their communication. You have to learn to understand them. You have to intuitively know their feelings. They expect you to understand them without having to tell you anything. They are hard to open up. In fact they almost never open up. They Keep acting sneaky. Fear of judgment causes this. They won't share everything. You have to be smart enough to discern and catch their feelings and thoughts. They only open up fully when they reach deepest intimacy with their partner. That takes time and patience from the partner They will never directly tell you how they feel. They will use metaphorical language and expect you to pick up the clue. Borderline will only hurt their partner only when they are significantly distressed. As long as the partner hasn't hurt them, there is nothing to worry. Borderline don't go around hurting random people they have no karma with. Borderline will only hurt those who wronged them especially in a personal relationship, they are cool to deal with as long as they are not fucked over. They can be super nice and sweet as long as the partner is on their right side. Being on their wrong side is an invitation to collapse of the relationship. They have internal unprocessed rage. Borderlines have powerful strong and intense emotions and such emotions can't be taken lightly. They will only talk to a person who finally got intimate with them They want extremely few people who are deep, intimate and super close to them. They will cut out the rest They will usually be sweet and popular and people won't realize they have anger burning inside them. Borderline will attract attention because of their unique behaviors A borderline Ioves over attachment and obsession. If a partner is obsessed with them, the borderline will enjoy this obsession and might even appreciate being stalked by their partner. It will make them feel wanted and belonged. Because they want high attachment after all. The last thing a borderline wants is a cold uninterested detached unemotional partner. That will drive them bonkers. A borderline can create intense confusion in a partner although they themselves don't want any confusion at all. They sense inauthenticity from a mile. If you act fake around them, they will immediately dismiss you Borderlines are prone to suicide due to loneliness and rejection and the fear of not being understood. They are territorial. Don't go near them. Don't act personal with them if you don't really know them. They will get defensive and throw you out. If you ever approach a borderline at least try to be sweet, or they immediately cast you away They have very low trust and they perceive everyone as an enemy. They will hiss at everyone like a wild animal. Borderlines don't mind being criticized by those that they consider to be friends or are intimate with, they don't even mind being offended as long as this person is their friend. This is because they feel carefree around someone they trust so such criticism does not create a threatening feeling in them. They can even laugh it off. They look at everyone suspiciously. They feel threat because of childhood trauma You have to win their trust. Or they move away They hold deep deep grudge. Don't fuck with them. If they feel wronged, then they can kill you out of revenge You can't fuck with a borderline. There is borderline rage that can lead to murder if they become desperate Don't trigger them. Don't get too personal. Don't get too close(if you are a stranger) . Don't be fake. Don't fuck with their emotions. Don't rub into their wounds. Give them privacy. Don't attack or criticize them (they see criticism as threat/attack). They are hypersensitive. Don't try to help them because they Don't want help They are aggressive and introverted, child like and very Hyper protective of their own space. They are self destructive and usually depressed, bad mood, low mood. They don't like people talking about them. Any personal touch triggers them. They have intimacy issues If you come around them, they will look suspiciously at you Borderline can experience insecurities and jealousy in relationships but their sneaky behavior Will not show it. They will be calm and sweet from outside but raging from inside. They will mostly tell you to leave them alone and if you don't leave them alone they will lose their shit. If a borderline commits a crime, they will mostly use a knife. Because they are highly emotional while committing a crime, there is a strong sense of purpose or reason and they want to hurt maximum. If they experience rage, they might plan to kill the person who is responsible for their rage. They will become psychopathic. Best example of borderline is Jodi Arias who killed her boyfriend. Best example of borderline rage

There is no critical point when this happens specifically. It's a momentum. When you reach high levels of suffering for extended periods of time that you just can't take it anymore. You might even start thinking of suicide as a serious possibility. You have to go through the dark night of the Soul and come out the other end as even stronger and brighter human being. After discovering your life purpose and after surrendering yourself completely to God.

Look beyond thoughts of suicide The hopelessness you feel as you consider suicide may be the side effect of a difficult situation or an illness that can be treated. This emotion can be so overpowering that it clouds your judgment and leads you to believe that taking your own life is the best, or only, option. Recognize that these feelings are temporary and that with appropriate treatment you can learn how to help yourself feel better about life again. Asking others for support can help you see that you have other options and give you hope about the future. Create a list of the reasons you have to live. This list can include being alive for your pet, your children, a favorite niece, or something that you enjoy doing at work or at home. It doesn't matter what the list includes, but finding a sense of purpose in your life can make a difference. Also..understand this ..you are gambling when you consider suicide..you don't know what happens after death..maybe you will live a worse life after you kill yourself. I mean who the fuck knows what happen when you die . At least you know this world and you can ground yourself in the Here and now .while in suicide you are risking going to a hell realm. You have no other options . .to be..or to be

Secondary psychopathy is high in bpd cases and knowing this is important Link to suicide.

@Something Funny not everything is drama. At least 80% bpd are suicidal and at least 9% actually commit suicide. So sometimes they don't threaten, they actually carry it out. I already had 4 suicide attempts so I know how it is.

I have. She argued all the time, became aggressive often, cried all the time, always ready for a fight. She cut her arms in front of me. she let all my neighbours believe I was physically abusing her. There was a guy that lived in my appartement building trying to break into my appartement and trying to attack me because he thought I assaulted her. While in actuality, I was keeping her from jumping off our building. I even had to choke her out once because she was so hysterical, trying to grab knifes, and desperately trying to reach for the balcony to commit suicide. I can't count on 2 hands the times she tried such things. It made me feel so desperate at times. Sometimes I wish she would jump. But guess what would happen then. Everyone thought I was abusive towards her. I had been invited by police numerous times and they thought I was abusive towards her as well. Even her family. And whenever I tried to quit the relationship, she threatened to kill herself. And she would take me down with her. She lied to me that she had cancer, that she was pregnant. She was such a manipulative person. All sorts of lies and sneaky manipulation. But deep inside, she's a good person. She is emotionally scarred and that's why she does those things. I tried helping her but she wasn't willing. Eventually I lead her into believing I was gay, and transgender. So she lost attraction, cheated, bonded to another guy and finally I was free. Not really a story im going to tell my grandchilderen.

A low dose of psilocybe cubensis cured me from a decade long battle with depression and sewercide This is not advice for anyone in a difficult situation. Personally, I would never recommend psychedelics to anyone. They are, imo, powerful and relatively dangerous. When I was a young boy entering teenagehood I was very confused and emotional like most young boys. I didn't come from a particularly healthy family. In fact, most of my family members on my mother's side experienced some sort of depression. At this point in my life, I had developed unhealthy coping mechanisms and unsustainable behavior patterns but I was completely unconscious of these. I started harming myself at an early age, 13-14 and I began to choose apathy and hopelessness over facing difficult truths. I held many limiting beliefs such as a genuine belief that I was not good enough and that I had wasted my life to a point where it was irreversible. I honestly thought that I was beyond the point of ever reaching a good life. I went the classic disgruntled teenager route of hating myself and everything around me. Thinking back on it now, it all began as an adoption of a particular type of identity. I became the goth/emo/whatever character you see in south park. There was real suffering and immaturity behind it but mostly it started as a way of fitting in. This kind of behavior led me towards a deeper and more refined sort of depression and eventually I had given in so heavily to apathy and hopelessness. It became a comfortable hell for me. The problems in my life that I couldn't solve or even understand would no longer need to be confronted. I would dive into the hole instead. It's like a loophole. You don't have to do anything, you can just give up. I can look at this state from my current perspective, but I was truly lost at the time. Depression, imo, atrophies the part of yourself that wants to fight. That is willing to fight. Depression was a game that I played with myself and it was the most powerful coping mechanism that I have ever come across. Years went on I gradually let go of the identity that I had adopted. I saw friends from the same groove leave it behind and they were happier for it. So was I. But it didn't last. I had discovered what depression had to offer and whenever something happened that I didn't like, I would leap straight into the pit to escape any sort of responsibility I got older and went to high school. More hard truths and difficult obstacles came my way and into the depression hole, I went. I dropped out multiple times and sewercide was a common theme. At 1 point I would tell myself to commit nono for hours every single day. Eventually, I would settle at a school where things seemed to be going pretty well. Good grades, nice social status, a hint of a girlfriend, sexual sexings. It was cool, but depression loomed over me waiting to pounce on anything I couldn't/wouldn't deal with. Eventually, the relationship went sour and I spiraled my way into an emergency unit at a psychiatric hospital and I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2. Never graduated. --- I'm not bipolar. At the time I guess I actually welcomed a label I could use to give up more responsibility but looking back at it now I realize how harmful it would have been to completely surrender to that. I could go on for hours about the medical industry and public health care but that's not the point. Just know that I never actually lived up to the requirements for such a diagnosis. My mind is blown by how easily these life damning words are tossed around. --- After dropping out of school again I was slightly relieved but at the same time I felt utterly powerless and my life looked hopeless. At this point, I had discovered self-help and actualization and it had shown me the massive potential for change. That change was possible. I had experimented with different exercises and practical methods such as meditation and autosuggestion and I had achieved incredible results. After a month of reprogramming my mind with affirmations and daily meditation, I changed so much that I became terrified. I was so scared that I dropped the whole thing and went right back to self-sabotage and massive delusion. I was back to my old habits but I had experienced what was possible for me. I knew that change was possible and I knew that my potential for change was nearly endless. My first psychedelic experience came after a foundation was built. I had spent a lot of time trying to understand myself, and how my mind works and I had become a much more open-minded person. I feel that this foundation was essential. I took 1.5 grams of dried psilocybe cubensis (I think it was golden teachers) with a small group of friends. We had planned it and we were all somewhat educated about psychedelics and what to expect. I had been obsessed with the possibilities of psychedelics for obvious reasons so I felt ready and with my friends, I felt comfortable and loved. Hours before I met up with my friends for the trip, I was contemplating suicide. It was the usual rumination over not being good enough, having wasted my life, etc. Despite having a conceptual understanding that this was not an optimal state of mind for psychedelics, I had a deeper instinctual feeling that this was exactly what I needed to do and that this state of mind was exactly where I (me personally) needed to come from. I had a great trip. It wasn't very reflective. We just had fun on a sunny day in the hot tub until something unexpected happened. A more experienced friend of mine asked me about my depression in the middle of the trip. Just when he asked that question, the weirdest thing happened. I felt what I would describe as lightning bolts shooting inside of my brain right at the temples. I was amazed. It was very physical. It was as if I could feel the pain of depression without being connected to it. I was shown the effects that depression was having on my mind and my life but from an outside perspective. After the trip, I felt great. I felt healed and restored. A few times I would give in to depression and sewercide again but it was changed now. It had been recontextualized for me. the few times that these thoughts came up after that trip I looked at them and took them less seriously. I began to think that they were kind of silly. nonsensical. I had transcended depression. 2 years later I am completely cured of depression and wanting to commit nonalive. I feel it so deeply. I know that I can become sad again or frustrated or w/e, but it just doesn't mean the same thing anymore. I don't want to be depressed anymore. So I'm not going to become depressed. 1.5 grams of dried cubensis. Years of depression and sewercidal ideation. Almost a decade of wanting to die and hating my life. Gone. Completely gone. That's amazing. Feel free to ask me anything. I'm an open book about this.

Then a week later on June 17 he contacted me through some friend. I received his text. He wanted to talk to me. He called me And then a torrent of expletives. "you fucking b**ch, how could you leave when I needed you, im going to find you and kill you." And I said "do it. I don't care." Deep down I didn't believe he could kill me. Then I told him it's over already. I have zero interest. I am not going to put up with the whole jail thing. I got standards He was still raging at me. Tourette. I could not understand what he was saying. It became unintelligible due to his fury. He was in fury. He hurled a ton of expletives at me. Even his friends and roommates could hear. I kept listening to him patiently. I didn't want to hang up on him. But.. He did something next. He knew my weaknesses. My Empathetic nature He straight up threatened me... Suicide. He told me he will down the whole bottle of depression pills he had been prescribed. I was like noooooo. "Joseph please don't do that. Please. OK I surrender. I am back in your life. I am not leaving you." That's when he calmed down I think that is a good example of secondary psychopathy.