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I think it requires a certain level of awareness and consciousness development to be able to work with mental health condition, especially a complex one such as Bipolar, Schizophrenia or major depression. Medications are there to ease life for people who do not have tools, knowledge or resources to handle these holistically. Medication prevent people from killing themselves during states of mania and hyperarrousal. If you are a highly developed individual, chances are you can, for example deal with a panic attack through a breath work and introspection but for people in spiral dynamics stage blue who are not aware of such practices even existing, medication is what helps them and keeps them from making a suicide attempt. They are not ideal and for moderate conditions such as mild to moderate depression, they do not work as well but for extreme conditions, meds are actually very helpful. The problem is that once people are put on meds, they do not receive further support. Meds should be used to alleviate major symptoms so that core issues can be addressed, which is where an integrative approach such as IFS comes in. It's like asking someone to hold a carpet while you vacuum clean underneath

I don't think Jordan is all bad. He's a psychologist that's helped people. He sometimes offers decent advice to people who are struggling. Many people have stated he's saved them from suicide. He's a human being remember. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone at him.

Agreed. This is why people commit suicide. You don't know what death is, no one does, as you haven't experienced it. You know what pain and suffering is though. And we conceptualize death as sometimes a release from pain.

@Jannes Trans people like me and your friend can't go a minute without our legitimacy or existence questioned or laughed out, it's really humiliating and degrading. No wonder the suicide rate for us is so high. After a while I'm questioning whether I'm respecting myself being on this forum or not, I don't think I am. Yh fuck it I'm done with forum and actualized.org, y'all can fun with your culture war bullshit. I'm better than this. @Leo Gura thank you for all of the content you've put out throughout the years, it's been life changing for me. Take care.

Conservatives aren't ashamed of it. They want to be associated with it and claim the victory. It's finally a win for them and their voter base from a generally ineffective and toothless party, it's a big morale boost. So there is no reason for them to disavow or try to spin it. The dumb majority opinion is "Trump elected a conservative judge, which is the reason Roe v Wade got overturned, so it's ultimately Trump's fault." That opinion is already cemented in public consciousness and it's too late to change it. You guys really can't conceive that removing abortion rights isn't some political suicide hot potato that conservatives would want to offload haha. Don't worry, Biden and the Dems have enough problems to handsomely lose the midterms without also blaming loss of abortion rights on them.

I'm weak, but I'm not thinking of committing suicide. Will face those bastards. No worries. ? What about transgenders?

Only weak people think of suicide as a solution. Face your problems/demons, we all have them. Sidenote: Women have a solipsistic view of life, not men.

Some say God created itself. Logically this is false. The source didn't choose to give birth to itself. Giving birth is only possible for those who are alive. To give birth to oneself means to be dead and then to become alive by choice. But if one is dead then one can't give birth so there is no option to give birth to itself. So God must be uncreated. Meaning it has no choice but to exist unless it can commit suicide. It can give birth to stuff. That is called "God's creation". Thoughts?

Hey everyone, so from time to time I can fall into depression, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts. So I thought I would write a list of the tools I’ve learned to get out of this head space. 1. Get enough sleep. When we aren’t sleeping well our brains don’t function and getting depressed or losing control of our emotions becomes very easy. 2. Call someone. Call a friend, family member or suicide/ mental health hotline. You’d be surprised how good you feel right away. Socialize. 3. Check your diet. When your diet is poor it affects your mental health. Eat healthy foods. 4. Take action! Instead of feeling hopeless and trapped take action on what you know you need or want to do. Just doing it, even when you initially don’t feel like it makes a huge difference. 5. Vent in a forum or journal. 6. Read books about cognitive behaviour and remind yourself of your values. 7. Journal, write lists, to do’s, your values, and affirmations. 8. Move your body! Exercise. Walk, run, lift weights or do yoga or Qigong. 9. Meditate, body scan, feel present. Smile into your body. 10. Let go, surrender and accept what is. Stop smoking. Damaged lungs = chronic anxiety.

@JoeVolcano Thats easy to say when you dont get hate crime for wearing what you want, called wrong pronouns and names, assumed about so much, considered a threat, not automatically accepted by family, bullied for who you are etc. Dont minimize peoples experiences. You dont even know how long theyve been questioning and how long theyve had to "grow out". Id rather have the entire cisgender community grow out of selfishness and entitlement though. You already receive more life every day, because all these things dont apply to you, not even mentioning rape and suicide statistics. There are millions of trans people in the world, its not just some petty personal cause, and they dont receive the love that you do in so many areas of life. Your life can still be difficult in other ways, but dont forget that trans people also have lives and they have the discrimination plus all the other challenges. That is what drives so many to kill themselves. If you see that as something that should be overlooked for your own comfort of not having to respect people, if you see people as radical for wanting equal rights, then thats pretty damn disgusting.

I have a lot of thoughts about this. First of all... Ya'll should know I love going to drag shows. I only say this so you can understand that I am nuanced in that I don't fit into one side or the other. In fact, I am not going to a pick a side in this conversation but... Embrace not knowing, and taking into account more and more data, opinions and statistics and events over time as I go about formulating my understanding of all the related areas of understanding here. At the same time. How I look at the world and define the world is up to me. There is is a lot nuance to be looked at here, and I sense there are higher level distinctions we can make when looking at Trans rights in society. I am aware of some stats around Trans suicide, and crimes committed against transgender people. However, don't let your emotions and fears make your thinking emotionally charged... and therefore sloppy, demonizing others on the forum etc. The actual reach this particular thread is going to have isn't likely to be that deep. So, just breath, relax... lets have a conversation. I think there is a difference between being transphobic, and hating people for their identify, sexuality and preferences and then having opinions or your own metaphysics around what a man or woman is. For me, personally. A trans person is a trans person. I call them by their preferred pronouns. I'd love to hangout and get to know you. But, I do biologically born women as women, biologically born men as men. If they are born that, and identify as that then... thats how I see it. I see a transwoman as a transwoman and a biologically born woman as a biologically born woman. I think part of the issue here, is that trans people carry with them a lot of shame, and struggle to love themselves. So, when I don't completely see you the way you want me to.. you think I hate you. But, thats not true. So, do I call Transwomen women? Yes. But, when it comes to something like a bathroom, a sport, etc... I then have to take into account many other factors that involve the concerns of other members of our communities, science, peoples paradigms, the potential for dishonest actors, etc... It's really a complicated topic. I don't want to be shunned, shamed, attacked, canceled etc for people someone who is learning, who's opinions are nuanced and complicated. Not understanding, or having opinions around gender that don't match yours... Isn't hate. I love everyone. But, I am learning. Remember, gender and even sex is a construct. But, what is what? I don't know. One of my favourite songs. Your tells are so obvious Shoulders too broad for a girl Keeps you reminded Helps you to remember where you come from You want them to notice The ragged ends of your summer dress You want them to see you Like they see every other girl They just see a fa***** They hold their breath not to catch the sick Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone with you With you, with you You've got no cu** in your strut You've got no hips to shake And you know it's obvious But we can't choose how we're made You want them to notice The ragged ends of your summer dress You want them to see you Like they see every other girl They just see a fa***** They hold their breath not to catch the sick Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone with you With you, with you You want them to notice The ragged ends of your summer dress You want them to see you Like they see every other girl They just see a fa***** They hold their breath not to catch the sick Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone with you With you, with you

Last point- remember how i said i was really trying to be loving? What i mean by that is ive written up a list of rules/ways of acting that must be followed at all times. One example is im never allowed to show signs of anger/ displeasure incase this hurts someone. If you ask someone who knows me i promise you theyll telk yoh yhat after leaving school i never got angry. I also another long list of rules with the goal of making me SEEM more loving and warm. Why SEEM and not actually be loving? Incase people treat me the way MICHAEL TREATED TOBY and im unable to control my emotions. Also im afraid prolonged loneliness mjght make me lose touch with things like empathy. Im hoping that by acting loving and as warm as i can someday ill be able to connect with people and find a warm group of friends who will also show me some affection. Then maybe ill heal and ill be able to genuinely love others without having to force my self.instead of having to force myself to not get angry, i just wont get angry out of love. I promise you that if you ask anyone who knows me theyll tell you i tried to be loving. Please be sure to ask them about my actions in depth. Keep in mind if it is the case that im ugly, actions that i did with the aim of being loving might have been interpreted as something else. Im not an expert on human behaviour but i tried my best to be like what i thought others wanted to see in a friend. I hope one day i can show you all my rules. Please know i tried friend. But dont take my word for it. Ask my coworkers , family and people from school. Theyll tell you how i was someone who never missed to wish them on their birthday. Probe alittle more and youll find they arent too sure if they wished me. This is just a little part of my life that shows you what kind of life i lived. Btw -on my 21 st birthday this year ,nobody except close family wished me. Think about that alittle. While others 21sts are supposed to be a major event, nobody from outside my family wished me. How would that make ylu feel? Have ylu ever experienced someting similar? If you probe youll find how hard i tried to find a connection but couldnt. Another thing that has constantly been on my mind lately is the possibilty that ill die without ever having an intimate relationship. Imagine the mental turmoil of never being able to hug someone, make someone laugh, talk and share secrets all night while your significant other giggles and is happy. Especially for someone whos only goal in life is that.i dont want credit or praise and whatever jve done is inexvusable and is deserving of severe punishment until you think justice is served. but i just want to point out that in the midst of this mental ache, hopelessness,being alone without any friends for 2+ years , today at this time i made a descision to be loving. I dont know if youll ever see this or if ill ever show this to you. Again im deeply sorry. Its time i got on with my loving path now. I promise to work hard and to keep the spreading of suffering at bay for as long as i can. Not to toot my horn but i personally dont know anyone who has taken up a challenge like mine. Even david goggins had friends/ gf etc. I have to push all alone. For who knows how long? I hope one day i find friendship and companionship and no longer have to force love.i hope someone out there accepts me into their circle. I dont believe in a personel god but if a god does exist i have only 1)if you can see into the future and know im going to harm some one please take my life away today before i do And if you dont take away my life 2)if therer are other rules to follow that will make me reduce others suffering/ make me seem/be more loving please make them known to me. 3) please let my actions lead to a warm affectionate connection with someone. I mean no offence by saying i dont believe. Its just that im not convinced at the moment ×××EDIT- if your wondering why although desperate for a relationship i never asked anyone out ,its because i always want to leave the possibilty of suicide open ie-after my parents death. If i do so i have zero chance of hurting anyone else right? As ive stated before the reason why i dont commit suicide now is because it will cause suffering to my family as jp said. Not nececerilly becUse theh love me but due to social backlash and things like thag as well. I dont want to ask someone out ajd then leave them high and dry. Instead my gameplan is to act as loving and be as warm as i can. And if that ends up being attractige someone hopefully shell make the first move. Again -i dont want to make the first move and postpone my life.just being alive causes harm to animals(even vegans during crop production) and beinh culpable in exploitinh workers who work in factories etc. Unless im absolutely lovable i dont want want to live for long and cause harm. But at the same time i must admit i hope someone is attracted to me and i get to xp what its like to cuddle,hug,kiss, laugh together, have sex,make her feel good and all that. I guese if you have alot of friends/people who get pleasure by you being alive and want to be next to you their is a chance the pleasure you give to them outweigjs the harm causes to animals/ factory workers right? Thats my line of thinking Anyway Goodbye and all the best to myself. I hope i never do so much harm that ill have to show this to someone. But who can gurantee anything right? Look up charles whitman.he was a decent man who due to a brain tumor which he wasnt responsible for became a murderer. The same thing might happen to me right? I hope it doesnt. My chosen path is clear now and i have to go and follow it --may all beings be well and happy ????????????????????????????????❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤??????????????? And agains,please please please remeber that i tried to walk the loving path. Remember to ask family, coworkers ,people from school thanks. You dont need to take my word for it

Police etc or to anyone reading this.this message is incase i harm someone by postponing. My only reason for postponing is family. At the time of writing this message i do not have an inclination to harm anyone but im in quite alot of discomfort. I havent hung out with friends or anyone except my mother and grandmother in over 2 years. Im not joking. And i dont know if ill ever get affection from anyone ever.im not trying to illicit selfpity here.this is a genuine fear i have. Ever since i can remember i always wanted a gf. But im slowly having to come to terms with the fact that i might not be able to experience the affection i wanted.and its quite uncomfortable.i know that wanting a gf is purely a selfish thing (ie-to get my emotional and physical wants met). I dont claim that wanting a gf is some nobel deed. I know its superficial and just a animalistic desire.however i still think it speaks about my natural nature.ie-friendship and affection is what i want the most. (Cars,money etc dont even come close. They arent even in the same realm) The reason why i postpone is because when i look up reddit, jordan peterson anna akana etc about not postponing they always say it will cause suffering to the family. Since my family has never abused me ive decided to postpone. And also if i dont postpone it might lead to mental health issues, substance abuse etc in my family causing them to then go and harm.this is not necessarily because they have affection for me,it might be because of backlash from society etc. Ie-my uncle recently passed away in something resembling a suicide ( we arent sure ,but it might have been as he was not mentally stable at the time due to chemical imbalances in the brain). So 2 suicides might look suspicious, causing backlash , causing my family to become unproductive menbers of society But a problem that jordan p,eterson has made me aware of is that when one spends so much time alone they tend to " brood and drift" . Causing them to become bitter and angry at the world. I might be bitter and maybe even alittle angry st the people who didnt treat me the way i wanted to (kd etc). I dont have the intention to hurt innocent people. However im afraid that like so many others who have spent time alone i might develop this intention at some point. If i do end up hurting someone i just want to apologize here. Hopefully i rememeber to show you this at the time. Im currently regulating my behaviour/actions through brute force and not really acting on feelings. If i remember to show you this in the future, i hope you understnad the events that took place beforehand leading upto what happened. I wish you had met me now. When i had made a promise to be loving. We might have been friends and you might have been able to stop me from doing what ever i was going to do. If you doubt whether i tried to be loving please ask my parents/ siblings or bosses/ teachers how i acted after leaving school. I gurantee you theyll tell you that i never got angry(even if someone insulted me), was the first to greet everyone with a smile, wished everyone on their birthdays, was polite, and always told the truth. The problem is i currently dont know if i have decided to try to be loving because of empathy or if im using brute force to go against my selfish nature because i know its right. Ive been so alone for so long i cant really tell. Please also take into account that ive never had a intimate relationship, even held hands or even spoken with someone of the opposite sex for the matter. Please think about that for a second. Someone whos main desire in life was to have an intimate relationship has never even SPOKEN to someone of the opposite sex. How many people do you know like that? I just want you to know that i really tried to be loving (ask my parents/siblings/bosses/co workers) if you disagree. The only things that i can see causing me to harm someone are prolonged loneliness (its already been 2 years) or others treating me in a way that resembles TOBY AND MICHAELS RELATIONSHIP from the office. If you see this i hope you can now get some idea to what led me to causing you harm. Im extremely sorry. If you had met me now i promise you would have thought i was warm and loving. But prolonged loneliness and thd MICHAEL TOBIES FROM THE OFFICR has led me to become something else it seems. Im very very sorry about what ever ive done. Please look into my childhood/life and i think you will not find it enviable and will understand what caused me to become what i have. Im so afraid of hurting you that im not even going to consider other possibile tracks anymore. I know theres no excuse for hurting someone but i hope this will atleast dampen whatever pain ive caused because youll be able to see that this is not the normal human perogative but a once loving mind or atleast a mind that tried to be lovinv but was twisted by loneliness , michael tobiness. And i hope my actions dont make you lose hope in humanity Again im deeply sorry for whatevet ive done. Please ask my parents,siblings etc for proof i was once loving. Ive even comeup with a way of acting happy so that i dont concern them or make them look bad in public. Im sorry this had to happen to you

Yeah great video from Leo . Though technically what I'm pointing out in this post is that we can't be certain of the ontological standards of our experience (dream ,awake ,simulation, brain in a vat etc). We can only be certain that we are conscious right now. and conscioconsciousness is the only real certain thing. I mean your first person subjective experience of the world . Right now..you reading my answer on a forum to the question , “How is it possible to be certain that I am not dreaming right now?”, you are a mortal human; as such, you are experiencing the Dream of Mortal Life. You can ascertain right now that your mortal life is merely a dream by committing suicide. Unfortunately, even if you kill yourself, you will awaken in a second dream . You will at that point again believe that you really are a human; but that will also be a dream. You would then need to kill your human self to be awakened from your human state. At that point, you would know that you are an eternal human, who was having the Dream of Mortal Life.

Sorry I'm brain-drained and just gonna share something that helped me... HealthyGamerGG on YouTube has a video about suicide... Understanding how it is a feeling of worthlessness and like it's impossible to get your life together, and you are just a burden to others , and that seems to me to be basically what suicidal tendency is. Idk why, but I get suicidal ideation, but I feel incongruent to really believe I would... There are times when I wasn't sure, but mostly I'm like I know I am thinking about killing myself... But I couldn't imagine the sad part of being like "goodbye cruel world" and taking my life ... Idk... I think it's something with Narcissism or anger issues towards people... But if I'm gonna kill myself, I ain't going down quietly... Like if you are gonna really do it, at least know I love everybody as human family and your suffering brings me pain as well and I wish I was better to help... But speaking brother to brother here, at least take a dirty politician with you. I mean if you take Tucker Carlson with you, I'll make sure your name lives on as a glorious hero. Just sayin... Leo has a video "it's all a mind-game" and suicidal thinking is just a mind-game... Everybody gets suicidal ideation, like driving their car off the road, it's the planning you gotta watch out for. And biggest thing, YOU CAN NOT ASK TOO MUCH FOR HELP. Not everybody will help you, but the right people will, and people don't know you need help if you don't ask. It's not a burden to ask for help, they can just say No... People WANT to help, they get dopamine highs off helping... The depression will make you not want to talk to people... You are a good guy that was dealt a bad hand dude... Suicide rates are rising due to life conditions growing harder. It's all just feelings and thoughts, and these things are like weather... Don't change your life because of some thunderstorms... There will be beautiful days ahead of you, just keep your head up bro

Sounds like a decent way to respect and honor yourself. To offer the self up for sacrifice so that another self can move in is metaphysical suicide. “I’m clearly not good enough so I guess I’ll die and let another perspective overwrite mine.” Sounds so wholesome, right? Jk. Your “ego” never dies. Your “ego” is just a term pointing at some aspects of your character. Just be you and grow, evolve, become. That’s what is really happening here anyways. Accept it. Leave death and metaphysical brutality for later.

@puporing I've never tried to argue it wasn't just an ego death. In fact, I am going through a process of understanding, contemplating and recontextualizing and allow multiple interpretations. People generally don't. I didn't assume you were trying to commit suicide. I have taken it to experience a total ego death. Which, can feel like I am dying. I know you are upset with me given your interpretations of my post. But, I don't like being called a weirdo of people assuming I am coming here with a bad intention. I am someone who has done many trips, and I think I would like to be spoken to in a respectful way. I consider myself relatively loving and have peoples best interests at heart... Glad you are okay. I've seen people have really bad reactions to these substances. People can totally lose function, not know where they are, have trouble breathing, spit everywhere, puke.... ego death can be totally disorienting and cause panic, heart rate, puking, etc... I don't know what aspect is the chemical and what aspect is ego death. It's hard because we all have different genetics. I can see someone dying potentially if they are not careful. 5Meodmt is dangerous. Sometimes I need time to expand my thoughts and reference experiences. I think you know your own direct experience. --- Will not respond. I actually really like Puporing and feel sad she is speaking to me like this... Best. Consider reading what I wrote when you are less triggered and times gives you a chance to recontextualize. I believe you.

She acts like others I've seen with this condition. She's so reactive, defensive, manipulative, controlling, history of suicide attempts. Intense but unstable relationships - She's had 13 fucking relationships and 5 marriages! She seems very unstable and also obviously has very disturbed thinking. It all makes sense considering her background of abuse/trauma, and her family apparently being distant towards her. She seems obviously controlling over people around her. And I'm sorry but editing clearly isn't the only thing making Teal look bad here. She knows that the documentary team will never release 3 years worth of footage, so this is a bluff from her. And if they do release it and it makes her look worse, she's just find a way to gaslight and manipulate her way out of it, and her brainwashed fans will swallow her bullshit excuses. She probably has BPD and also NPD. The cluster B traits are obvious here. She has way too much of a desire to be famous and successful, is obsessed with her appearance and being the center of attention, and is grandiose. Since you have BPD, I can tell that you're getting annoyed now because you think it reflects negatively on you. Note - I do not consider anyone a bad person because they have BPD. I've seen examples of decent and horrible people both having this condition. I think Teal is a source of very useful information, but I think the person she seems to serve most is herself.

Thinking that because "life is a dream" anything goes Committing suicide (because "it leads to God", or for whatever reason) Not taking responsibility for your thoughts, emotions, and actions because "there is no self" Not going to school or work Avoiding the harsh reality of your life situation Not building skills (because "nothing matters", or for whatever reason) Becoming lazy, complacent, and self-satisfied Becoming arrogant and disrespectful Thinking that every problem in life needs to be solved by meditating more or reading more books (maybe you need to work out, do chelation therapy, or some other non-spiritual form of self-help, because awakening is not the answer to everything) Relying only on intuition and dismissing the power of reason and logic Turning the ego against itself, thereby becoming dysfunctional and immobilized, instead of building a mature and healthy ego Thinking you're above everything when you can't even get laid or make money Thinking that success and money won't make you happy, thus becoming unproductive Confusing non-doing with not-doing Becoming too isolated for too long, thus getting lost in the vastness of the psyche, and not asking for help because "no one can understand me" Feeling special: an unwillingness to die into the ordinary Thinking that social skills aren't important (as long as you live in society, your social skills, communication skills, and EQ are very important) Getting overwhelmed by the content that's out there, and thinking that you have to consume it all (90% of self-help material is cheap and generic; find the best of the best and focus on that) Not accepting your humanity Losing your dignity Losing your integrity Becoming a degenerate devil

Maybe the producers paid Blake? I don’t want to dump on Teal, I have already shared my disapproval. I don’t want to insinuate what isn’t true. What was this anyway? Teal was obviously setup, that much is true. Teal isn’t going to allow producers of a show spend lots of money to bring her career down. I watched a video of hers for the first time just now. I like her THOUGH one thing that has REALLY triggered me is how carelessly she treated the issue on suicide. I battled with suicidal ideation throughout my teens and even into my twenties, if it wasn’t for the love and support of my friends family that shared with me their views against suicide. I don’t even want to speak about this it upsets me so much.

Yeah, it's very fucked up, assuming it's true. But that's what's in question according to videos above. I don't really like trying to adjudicate this shit. It's too much she said, he said. A bunch of human drama distracting from awakening. It's also not clear how functional she is. She talks about all sorts of mental disorders, suicide, etc. If she truly was abused in the manner she claims, I expect her to be dysfunctional even after lots of spiritual work. And that would explain why she choose to live in this communal way where everyone has to serve and protect her emotionally. If she had to spend a year living alone, would she try to kill herself? That's my hunch at this point. Which would be very problematic.

Life is a maze from the second we are born. When I was 4 years old I started having major anxieties, Maybe even earlier but it’s difficult to see anything before that in my memory. When I was 11 I received special care for depression and anxiety. Meds too. Depression runs in my family so I think I am one that has got it from the family. Born with it then. Genetic susceptibilities. Won’t spoil anyone with needless medical jargon I am just so exhausted studying for my UCAT’s anyway. Going through a very traumatic move from one country to another when I was in my early teens was not a good idea by my parents. When I finished high school I was so burnt out as . Maladjusted. Overschooled. I was done. I have never tried to commit suicide. I have suffered from suicidal thoughts in my earlier years tho. I have been receiving serious help for just everything better than I ever have these last few years. I have had to use my medical knowledge to train my brain and body to work in the way I have needed it. I always felt empty though and this is what led me to spirituality in my late teens, questioning my agnosticism and my parents devout faith. Sometimes I have felt so old in a young body. I have been told I am wiser beyond my years. I don’t believe this to be completely true tho. There is so much of life I want to experience. I have to experience. I have decided to accept all of the parts of myself now. I have MADE A STAND! I am now off my medication for the first time in my life and I haven’t been on medication for now over 3 months. I learned about spirituality from my friend Sarah growing up as her mum was so into crystals and everything so reaching out further has always been in the back of my mind. She’s had a big influence on my life in other ways where my mum wasn’t able to. In the last year I have made so much progress in my spirituality and mental well being. I made the most of a job opportunity I never had before and I have become more self aware than I used to be. Now… I am sitting the UCAT in less than two weeks…. Petrified. I still do tai chi. I simply have never been good with exams really. I am learning to embrace and connect with my body much more. This really helps my anxieties and my connection with other people. If I make it into medical school I want to specialise to become a pediatrician. I want to become the best mom in the world after med school (++) and work part time with children. Tired… Tai chi… fruit and vegetable smoothie… back to study. If I don’t make it into medical school… there isn’t a won’t here… I would be so devastated. The next move of life’s maze here… difficult to imagine… this would complete my maze.

Absolutely! That is certainly part of the explanation but it doesn’t fully encompass the reality. A new form or context can only rise to dominance when the old one has exhausted itself; however, if we zoom out and look at things from a distance, we can see that the later expressions of a given form or context are generally more chaotic and dissolute as opposed to ossified. I would say that to a certain extent they become ossified and moralistic precisely so as to protect themselves from their inner chaos and dissolution; “civilisations die from suicide, not by murder”! For example, in Christianity the Protestant faith is notoriously comprised of an endless variety of sects and schisms. This is because it denies the authority of the Pope (going so far as to construe him as the Antichrist) and rejects the Catholic mass in favour of individual interpretation of Biblical scripture, facilitated through increased literacy and the invention of the printing press. However, to a certain extent Protestantism often goes along with biblical literalism and itself emerged out of the moralistic and ossified nature of late Catholicism so even here what you say is partly true. It is also true that (partly in reaction to this very phenomenon) in this phase you get certain extreme “reactionary” sects like the New-England Puritans and modern Evangelicals. What do you think are the most important problems it has identified with both of these?

June 17th Joseph was furious because I was trying to leave him. He spewed out a ton of expletives and kept calling me a bitch a dozen times. It was like a case of Tourette. He then told me that he had a bottle of depression pills. And he hasn't been taking them. I thought he would overdose on the pills.. So I told Joseph to calm down a bit and he wouldn't. Finally I relented to his suicide threats and told him that I'm back with him. I didn't want him to harm himself. I thought more about his well being than mine.

I am prone to making random noises. They are typically in response to thoughts which would be embarrassing or stupid if said to other people. Sometimes my mind gets stuck on one word and then starts to all of a sudden repeat it out loud. My typical reaction is "I need to hide." I don't want other people to see what I am like because I could easily be hurt. I don't think many people go through this sort of thing. I probably need to talk to someone. Other thoughts include "I'm a monster." This kind of behavior made me fear that I was going insane. I know these thoughts are not really true and suicide is not a problem. I have an abnormal brain development with autism, but I seem to have a hard time taking embarrassment. I plan on talking with a professional about this.