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@Something Funny not everything is drama. At least 80% bpd are suicidal and at least 9% actually commit suicide. So sometimes they don't threaten, they actually carry it out. I already had 4 suicide attempts so I know how it is.

I have. She argued all the time, became aggressive often, cried all the time, always ready for a fight. She cut her arms in front of me. she let all my neighbours believe I was physically abusing her. There was a guy that lived in my appartement building trying to break into my appartement and trying to attack me because he thought I assaulted her. While in actuality, I was keeping her from jumping off our building. I even had to choke her out once because she was so hysterical, trying to grab knifes, and desperately trying to reach for the balcony to commit suicide. I can't count on 2 hands the times she tried such things. It made me feel so desperate at times. Sometimes I wish she would jump. But guess what would happen then. Everyone thought I was abusive towards her. I had been invited by police numerous times and they thought I was abusive towards her as well. Even her family. And whenever I tried to quit the relationship, she threatened to kill herself. And she would take me down with her. She lied to me that she had cancer, that she was pregnant. She was such a manipulative person. All sorts of lies and sneaky manipulation. But deep inside, she's a good person. She is emotionally scarred and that's why she does those things. I tried helping her but she wasn't willing. Eventually I lead her into believing I was gay, and transgender. So she lost attraction, cheated, bonded to another guy and finally I was free. Not really a story im going to tell my grandchilderen.

A low dose of psilocybe cubensis cured me from a decade long battle with depression and sewercide This is not advice for anyone in a difficult situation. Personally, I would never recommend psychedelics to anyone. They are, imo, powerful and relatively dangerous. When I was a young boy entering teenagehood I was very confused and emotional like most young boys. I didn't come from a particularly healthy family. In fact, most of my family members on my mother's side experienced some sort of depression. At this point in my life, I had developed unhealthy coping mechanisms and unsustainable behavior patterns but I was completely unconscious of these. I started harming myself at an early age, 13-14 and I began to choose apathy and hopelessness over facing difficult truths. I held many limiting beliefs such as a genuine belief that I was not good enough and that I had wasted my life to a point where it was irreversible. I honestly thought that I was beyond the point of ever reaching a good life. I went the classic disgruntled teenager route of hating myself and everything around me. Thinking back on it now, it all began as an adoption of a particular type of identity. I became the goth/emo/whatever character you see in south park. There was real suffering and immaturity behind it but mostly it started as a way of fitting in. This kind of behavior led me towards a deeper and more refined sort of depression and eventually I had given in so heavily to apathy and hopelessness. It became a comfortable hell for me. The problems in my life that I couldn't solve or even understand would no longer need to be confronted. I would dive into the hole instead. It's like a loophole. You don't have to do anything, you can just give up. I can look at this state from my current perspective, but I was truly lost at the time. Depression, imo, atrophies the part of yourself that wants to fight. That is willing to fight. Depression was a game that I played with myself and it was the most powerful coping mechanism that I have ever come across. Years went on I gradually let go of the identity that I had adopted. I saw friends from the same groove leave it behind and they were happier for it. So was I. But it didn't last. I had discovered what depression had to offer and whenever something happened that I didn't like, I would leap straight into the pit to escape any sort of responsibility I got older and went to high school. More hard truths and difficult obstacles came my way and into the depression hole, I went. I dropped out multiple times and sewercide was a common theme. At 1 point I would tell myself to commit nono for hours every single day. Eventually, I would settle at a school where things seemed to be going pretty well. Good grades, nice social status, a hint of a girlfriend, sexual sexings. It was cool, but depression loomed over me waiting to pounce on anything I couldn't/wouldn't deal with. Eventually, the relationship went sour and I spiraled my way into an emergency unit at a psychiatric hospital and I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2. Never graduated. --- I'm not bipolar. At the time I guess I actually welcomed a label I could use to give up more responsibility but looking back at it now I realize how harmful it would have been to completely surrender to that. I could go on for hours about the medical industry and public health care but that's not the point. Just know that I never actually lived up to the requirements for such a diagnosis. My mind is blown by how easily these life damning words are tossed around. --- After dropping out of school again I was slightly relieved but at the same time I felt utterly powerless and my life looked hopeless. At this point, I had discovered self-help and actualization and it had shown me the massive potential for change. That change was possible. I had experimented with different exercises and practical methods such as meditation and autosuggestion and I had achieved incredible results. After a month of reprogramming my mind with affirmations and daily meditation, I changed so much that I became terrified. I was so scared that I dropped the whole thing and went right back to self-sabotage and massive delusion. I was back to my old habits but I had experienced what was possible for me. I knew that change was possible and I knew that my potential for change was nearly endless. My first psychedelic experience came after a foundation was built. I had spent a lot of time trying to understand myself, and how my mind works and I had become a much more open-minded person. I feel that this foundation was essential. I took 1.5 grams of dried psilocybe cubensis (I think it was golden teachers) with a small group of friends. We had planned it and we were all somewhat educated about psychedelics and what to expect. I had been obsessed with the possibilities of psychedelics for obvious reasons so I felt ready and with my friends, I felt comfortable and loved. Hours before I met up with my friends for the trip, I was contemplating suicide. It was the usual rumination over not being good enough, having wasted my life, etc. Despite having a conceptual understanding that this was not an optimal state of mind for psychedelics, I had a deeper instinctual feeling that this was exactly what I needed to do and that this state of mind was exactly where I (me personally) needed to come from. I had a great trip. It wasn't very reflective. We just had fun on a sunny day in the hot tub until something unexpected happened. A more experienced friend of mine asked me about my depression in the middle of the trip. Just when he asked that question, the weirdest thing happened. I felt what I would describe as lightning bolts shooting inside of my brain right at the temples. I was amazed. It was very physical. It was as if I could feel the pain of depression without being connected to it. I was shown the effects that depression was having on my mind and my life but from an outside perspective. After the trip, I felt great. I felt healed and restored. A few times I would give in to depression and sewercide again but it was changed now. It had been recontextualized for me. the few times that these thoughts came up after that trip I looked at them and took them less seriously. I began to think that they were kind of silly. nonsensical. I had transcended depression. 2 years later I am completely cured of depression and wanting to commit nonalive. I feel it so deeply. I know that I can become sad again or frustrated or w/e, but it just doesn't mean the same thing anymore. I don't want to be depressed anymore. So I'm not going to become depressed. 1.5 grams of dried cubensis. Years of depression and sewercidal ideation. Almost a decade of wanting to die and hating my life. Gone. Completely gone. That's amazing. Feel free to ask me anything. I'm an open book about this.

Then a week later on June 17 he contacted me through some friend. I received his text. He wanted to talk to me. He called me And then a torrent of expletives. "you fucking b**ch, how could you leave when I needed you, im going to find you and kill you." And I said "do it. I don't care." Deep down I didn't believe he could kill me. Then I told him it's over already. I have zero interest. I am not going to put up with the whole jail thing. I got standards He was still raging at me. Tourette. I could not understand what he was saying. It became unintelligible due to his fury. He was in fury. He hurled a ton of expletives at me. Even his friends and roommates could hear. I kept listening to him patiently. I didn't want to hang up on him. But.. He did something next. He knew my weaknesses. My Empathetic nature He straight up threatened me... Suicide. He told me he will down the whole bottle of depression pills he had been prescribed. I was like noooooo. "Joseph please don't do that. Please. OK I surrender. I am back in your life. I am not leaving you." That's when he calmed down I think that is a good example of secondary psychopathy.

I'll assess myself. I have at least 1% primary psychopathy and at least 30% secondary psychopathy. Two reasons - bpd and ptsd. I'm the Richard Kuklinski type of psychopath. I won't hurt my family members or those that I love. Primary psychopathy traits in me I can be manipulative Secondary psychopathy traits in me The need for revenge Hate Irresponsibility Impulsivity Low impulse control Need to harm hurt Reactive anger Impulsive violence Self harm Harm to self - suicide, out of control behavior

Future #1 - The good future This is a possible future 5 years from now if I do the following things: limit instant gratification to 2 hours a day go to the library every workday enroll in therapy and do some active imagination/inquiry by myself continue doing sports practice meditation and contemplate which will bring about higher consciousness, compassion, wisdom and Love in my life make social connections happen I have a degree in psychology and am a certified body psychotherapist / yoga teacher. I am in the best shape of my life, extremely happy in my body, strong, supple, healthy, full of energy and vibrant. I am financially independent. I have mastered my emotions and thus have no blockages from experiencing life in its fullness. I have become my own best friend instead of an enemy - thinking of myself and caring of myself with the purest love I have yet to experience. All trauma has been integrated, allowing me to express myself to the core. This profound radiant change has attracted love in my life in so many ways - I now have a loving partner I couldn't even dream of having 5 years ago. My friends are the some of the most remarkable people I know to have walked this Earth. I am extremely proud of each and every one of them and thank God every day for having them in my life. They are proud to be my friend as well and find my presence inspiring. Every day is an adventure and a step forward to complete realisation and actualisation. Due to the immense beauty of this actualised abundance, there is no obstruction to realising deeper and deeper insights on the nature of reality. There is no obstruction to the flow of my love. I am finally in a place where I can offer my numerous gifts to the world. I am finally in a place where I can fill the cup of those in such dire need. I am filled with such a profound sense of awe, gratitude and bliss each and every day for experiencing this kind of life, making any and every endeavour effortless. I have exited the Dark Night (Vipashyana jñanas) a couple of years ago and look at 5 years ago with a sense of compassion, gratitude and relief. Future #2 - the bad future This is a future 5 years from now if I do the following things: indulge in unlimited instant gratification avoid schoolwork neglect the cultivation of thumos neglect the cultivation of other virtues neglect spiritual practice avoid deep emotional work that will perpetuate the bad habits and patterns in my life that will make me miserable eat shit food, overeat neglect training isolate myself, do not share myself with the world, do not put myself out there In this future, I would be fucked. I would be super unhappy. I didn't even finish university due to it being emotionally too hard - not because I didn't have the skills to do it, but because I did not put effort in good habits that would make me pass and also things that would let me get over the inner blockages (eg therapy). This future is too shit for me to even contemplate it. I am overweight, making it way more difficult to move and making me have less energy and feel bitter, resentful and angry. People disrespect me because of my apparent unhappiness. I miss opportunities left and right. I am single and have unsatisfactory friendships. I'm so disconnected from Beauty and Love and Consciousness that I'm probably having thoughts of suicide on a daily basis. First try, I was disgusted about the second future which definitely lit a fire under my ass to make the first future a reality. I will expand on this prompt as I see it can be very transformative, I am tired to do more now.

These have helped me deal with the guilt and regret related to my partner's suicide. Maybe they could be helpful for you too. One thing I also tell myself is that: It doesn't make sense to blame myself that I wasn't who I am now, then. Because it apparently needed to happen, for me to gain the wisdom I gained. Another thing is to trust GOD and that this was the ONLY way you could gain the particular wisdom you apparently needed. Your day-to-day-self is a stupid little motherfucker-idiot compared to GOD, so even though your mind may think things would have been better if so or so, or you could have learned stuff through other means..... just shut it up. Because GOD knows best and GOD is beyond human-ness so don't try to use your human mind to figure it out. Rather lean back and trust. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. And then work on expanding your consciousness and go out and have a lot of mind-blowing and life-changing experiences, because the more you grow the smaller the things that feel big now, will seem. Try to remember how short life is, don't waste too much time. What is the opposite of guilt? acceptance or maybe self-love? Those are pretty good things to gain. So this experience came to you and I (in different forms) so we can learn the lessons of acceptance and self-love. That is an amazing gift! Don't know about you but for me... just what I had put on my wish list! Let's try to realize this and then learn the shit quickly so we won't suffer for much longer and make other people suffer in relation to that. That's my advice I love you and I believe you will feel better soon.

@Someone here my love... this is so biased. Please read yourself. If one wants to leave but others force them to stay It might only get more sad and angry. If you have some serious emotional problem and reach out to some guru they speak down to you from an absolute perspective. How do you feel? Leo has spent an incalculable amount of time using the most concise language for people who don't understand, descending to their level of understanding and perspective, bit by bit to get you to the level of understanding you are now. Please understand your suicidal friends and treat them more Equally. Their thoughts are no different than your relative reasoning. Simply obstructing suicide is not the real aim.

People who say they will commit suicide ussualy never do it. Suicidal ideation is just that a fantasy.

@Someone here this is true but not entirely true. Suicide is not just about thoughts. Sometimes people have deep problems like financial or health that are extremely difficult to solve and those issues cause people to sometimes feel helpless and give up.. Suicide is a very serious thing that needs attention.. Even therapists can't solve it. We need an extensive system to address the problem. It's not just a psychological problem. It goes beyond psychology

@ZGROPIUS @Preety_India The thing about suicide is that it starts as a thought .with meditation and mindfulness we can observe the thoughts and be detached from it . You don’t need to act on your thoughts right now. The option of taking your own life isn’t going to go away. You can make this decision tomorrow, next week or next month if you still want to. Try to focus on just getting through today and not the rest of your life. You may have had these thoughts before, but you feel less able to cope today. You might find that you are more able to cope in a few days.

@soos_mite_ah thanks for the tag. I see really good responses and great value already provided by guys above. I sense the core question of the thread is: Why am I bulking up rather than toning down? How can I get more leaner & muscular figure without necessarily becoming too big? Is that about right? Let me start here and also comment on this You already know this but I'll say it anyway. It is absolutely essential (for your mental health, for your spiritual wellbeing and for your body image) to stop consuming this sort of content. Fitness magazines, Instagram posts, fitness influencers. I'd highly suggest unfollowing every single one of these people and throwing away all these magazines and any similar content. It harms our brains to such a significant proportion that many young women have actually committed suicide due to body image disorders. Same way young men get harmed by porn and cannot even achieve erection when in the bedroom with a woman who has normal un-enhanced body. Now let's talk about these two pictures anyway Picture 1 - there is a strong genetic makeup in the way how thin she is. She is probably also a bit fasted or in her top shape on the ohoto. This sort of figure is completely unachievable figure by women with more rounded body composition. She may even be competing Picture 2 - breast enlargement surgery and potential butt implant. She does have to work extremely hard in the gym, that's for sure judging by the legs and her arm development, she has been a regular gym-goer for a decade easily. But there is again a strong genetic component towards having large density musculature of the lower body but I can't imagine how hard she has to work and diet to keep her waist that thin. Again, I'd be curious how she looks without photo editing, pump and unfasted. Also the side posture while flexing the belly can hide a lot. Still, this lady is a fitness freak with extreme commitment to her body image. I'd try a new approach with working out simply for the pleasure of it and for the benefits of longevity and mental health rather than for a particular goal. Put some music on and Zone out. A gym time can easily be turned into a meditative experience. The reason for this would be that if there was already present some subcutaneous fat and now the muscle is growing, it is pushing the fat layer up, giving the limb appearance of being bulkier even tho you are getting more toned. I think the only way about it is to identify a strategy that works for you to start targeting that fat disposition. A combination of some cardio (which you mentioned) with dietary optimisation may do that for you. Some easy diet tips would be to make sure you are not skipping breakfast (and making sure that breakfast is made of mostly wholefoods) and to try to cram your food in a 12-hour eating window. If you can tolerate the discomfort you can reduce the size of your dinners, fast overnight and then have a huge breakfast. That may start accelerating that metabolism already. Of course caution with processed carbs (bakery products, toasts, white pasta and white rice) will help. Obtaining a pressure cooker and trying batch cooking in which you'll be using an abundance of vegetables, legumes and whole grains is another effective strategy to eat more but fewer calories. I've made a few videos on my YT channel on how to start batch cooking. Try looking at this and scroll to 6:50 for easy example. Now for that cardio, what worked well for me was finding a form of cardio I enjoyed. I really liked doing the sort of MMA -a type of cardio which is a combination of high-intensity bodyweight training with some weights. I like to combine that with callisthenics training these days. Now this may not be suited for women as much but you could experiment with some form of interval training, perhaps the gym offers classes. Some other great forms are swimming, cycling, rope skipping, rollerskating, hiking (brilliant for burning fat btw) or even finding a trainer for some light box padding. basically a good PT will be able to help a lot. Some products with some minor effects that may be useful are regular consumption of green tea, some people seem to benefit from MCT and theoretically even acetyl-L-carnitine but I believe the studies on that are kinda mixed so it may not help. Also, carnitine ha a few medicinal interactions (https://www.drugs.com/drug-interactions/levocarnitine,l-carnitine.html) so something to be mindful of. But on their own, these products won't do anything unless accompanied by a good diet, lifestyle and regular activity. Also, in my (how I lost 20kg video) I mentioned that the major profound effect for me to lose weight was changing my environment. Perhaps that would be an option as well? I recall we spoke about your mom before and I feel that maybe living with your parents is putting a lot of restrictions on you. Any chance you could maybe try some shared apartment with a friend (or student dormitory or somethign like that?) Anyway, hope anything in there is helpful Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself. remember, this is a life-long process not a sprint.

@Someone here What are you talking about. I pointed out the fact that we have a choice relatively speaking. and it's NOT GOOD to force one who has a suicide tendency to live and tell them they have no choice, most of all it's not true. Because the truth is reality is free to do anything including suicide. - _ - Why you're saying "Death is no joke" ? You understand the truth of death? I understand nothing about death really except different versions of concepts of it. Whether you know it or not it shouldn't be scary either.

Sat 23/04/2022 21:22 Had some night terrors last night, but after waking up I was overwhelmed by certain things but then also felt a sense of more memory, agency and control. I'm fairly at peace now if I just decide to exit, so hopefully factors will line up to that. I'm getting new glasses after they've been broke for months. I was using tape on the disconnected hinge on one arm, but the glasses were droopy and imbalanced pressure on one side . Is it cowardice, yeah, but I don't think anyone in my position would find fault. Before I was all crying and shit, infinitely sad and infinitely apologetic imagining suicide, but with lucidity I realise it really isn't that big a deal. And that's not because I believe in the existence of a soul or my continued existence. I'm lying when I say it's no big deal, but that's okay ---- But to describe my overall condition. If I was to unplug from the internet and technology abruptly, cold turkey, I feel like I would just be plunged into an unfathomably large amount of agony that I couldn't even begin to imagine or process With no promise it can result in anything I.e. the way of a buddhist which would look like the path to salvation looks unimaginably painful beyond anything I could have imagined, some sort of pain resulting from being in the world of non-existence The realm of Hungry Ghosts/Hollows (buddhist literature) is where I reside. [despite indulging in very little hedonism and 0 sexual sensuality relative to the vast majority of people, an extremely cruel fate really] Physiologically speaking, I used to quite literally feel this emptiness as literally feeling as though my chest was hollow and caved out. It was very tingly and weird. Like one of the sensations you might get after ejaculation. Existing in some unreality is some more precise description of where I am, so fusion of "hell realm" and "hungry ghost realm". -- After a stressful day today though of driving and hearing arguments, I'm snapped. Greed is not funny. Human vanity is not funny. Any sort of greed or vanity instantly disgusts me at this point, a revolting and ugly hollowness. In some way I ended up internalising that ugliness, and it gets me irritated all the more. This level of irritation I can feel so easily (especially from my mum) nowadays feels like someone stuck a massive rod up my ass and is just keeping it there, like I'm being raped. What should ones response be to being raped? How is one supposed to process or digest that feeling? The rod is fucking there, just sitting there. It sounds dramatic I know but that's the connundrum I'm in. When I get psychological therapy, if it happens; "What's the texture of the rape, what's the shape and weight of the dick penetrating you? Let's delve into it sir", "IDK BUT IT'S FUCKING RAPE", "I will need you to calm down sir, we are here to help", "RAPE RAPE RAPE" If I go on mood stabilisers or something or change antidepressants else to help, which I probably will do, my misery and hollowness won't change. The reason I would commit suicide, to my family or friends potentially reading this in the future, is not because of this irritation (those in the moment state can calm a bit). But it would be because of the general loss of my agency, already being dead (I am not speaking euphemistically, I am speaking literally), and having my memory wiped, etc. I'll explain it chronologically and plainly in my handwritten letters or last document if I do do it. I was quite literally having nightmares last night where I was in a formless terror and hell, and the premise of the dream was me trying to regain my consciousness or vision in that hell. My thoughts or knowledge sometimes manifest as meta-principles/laws of the dream space now. The knowledge that I was having a night terror, became the very premise/concept of the dream, and within my dream I would dream of waking up from the night terror. But I'm still in my dream, so it's a dream within a dream. In this hungry-ghost hell, I think I know what choice I don't mind taking. This just ain't worth it. -- The evils of this world are trash. In this lesser of evils world, You can't die. The evil is too stupid to be able to properly kill you, leaving you tortured. You can't defend anything. The world's stupidity is so evil it doesn't bother attacking what's good. Valor cannot be earnt. You can't look away. It's a monstrous trainwreck of unfathomably ugly proportions, a void within a void. -- It's late as fuck now and I should sleep soon. This hungry ghost might not dream of something so terrible tonight, but this pseudo sociopathy, this ugliness of the world that I've internalised, its gonna be the end of me and what makes me quit. Ugliness internalised that others did not, so that I could find the truth in the garbage rules they play by. If I was fine living in a world of lies I could have got by, or if I bowed to something higher and avoided this trash to begin with. All there is here is garbage, a loser world of loser rules, and parasites. There is not a crumb of love being shared with me here. My level of sexual frustration reached far past the ceiling of what I thought was possible, whilst also feeling raped at the same time. Someone else can bother to figure that calculus out if they want to, I've had enough personally.

Look beyond thoughts of suicide The hopelessness you feel as you consider suicide may be the side effect of a difficult situation or an illness that can be treated. This emotion can be so overpowering that it clouds your judgment and leads you to believe that taking your own life is the best, or only, option. Recognize that these feelings are temporary and that with appropriate treatment you can learn how to help yourself feel better about life again. Asking others for support can help you see that you have other options and give you hope about the future. Create a list of the reasons you have to live. This list can include being alive for your pet, your children, a favorite niece, or something that you enjoy doing at work or at home. It doesn't matter what the list includes, but finding a sense of purpose in your life can make a difference. Also..understand this ..you are gambling when you consider suicide..you don't know what happens after death..maybe you will live a worse life after you kill yourself. I mean who the fuck knows what happen when you die . At least you know this world and you can ground yourself in the Here and now .while in suicide you are risking going to a hell realm. You have no other options . .to be..or to be

I see you're depressed about gaining weight. Tell uncle @thisintegrated your troubles? There are much easier way to commit suicide, but I shouldn't tell you them I guess?‍♂️ Want me to come over? I think you're local. I'll give you a counselling session?

?? * gets banned just before suicide * truly lmfao

I don't think you're even grounded enough for the current teachings, just from reading this and your previous posts. Your ego conflates and projects things a lot. I had 0 thoughts about suicide after reading this post, so I would question where that is coming from. I have no idea about the course though, it might account for beginners coming in, but Leo's teaching style has always been very brash and unsuited for beginners, so I doubt it. Might be wrong though, I haven't looked into what Leo said about the course.

I don't think your concerns are childish. It's childish because you have probably outgrown your needs. Some people haven't, they probably need a hug? I feel like you have made a sarcastic post intended to demonize people who crave connection with strangers, you're just trying to inspire ridicule But hey, there are people out there who commit suicide because they are called fat. Maybe for you it's childish, not for them.

@Ulax Bigger emphases on mental health = status for being mentally ill and hard done by = more people wanting to be mental ill = Munchhausen syndrome + actual mental illness created = Higher reported rates of mental health issues because more people are actually mentally ill. What did you think happened before when less people committed suicide? That they just weren't talked about and their deaths buried. @AtheisticNonduality Quote by bad man ^ @Christoph Werner That's the core problem of everything. But good points you brought up.

@Preety_India I don't think it helps people to open up about their problems it's more so makes it trendy and you a delicate snowflake to have a mental health problem and to broadcast that to other people. No it objectively is. Far more children and teenagers are depressed, anxious, on prescription medications, admitted to mental hospitals and commit suicide. Which all adds to create an environment where the typical zoomer is mentally ill. Also NPD is definitely on the rise and gen z is going to be a generation of sociopaths. 100%

@Magnanimous Beautiful insight I got this morning: Think with your heart. And feel with your mind. As long as we are stuck with thoughts in the mind, we are lost forever, and our hearts will through our feelings, send us signals of discomfort and discontent. And of course thoughts of suicide and wanting to end whatever is, might appear. Through sinking in to the heart, and working with you unconditional and neutral space/balanced aspects. You can purify the mind of its patterns and unconscious loops. Power of just letting go, and be willing to drop everything to rest in your neutral loving heart, will filter everything you have consciously or unconsciously carried throughout your life, in form of traumas, programmings, environmental factors, beliefs, habitual patterns adopted by parents and other people in your early years up to early adulthood. Balance is at utmost importance, because we can easily drop out of balance by being too much in the heart space. We fall out of structure and become lazy and unwilling to move. And then the mind activates thoughts of guilt, shame, not good enough and so on. IMO, its all about learning what these things are and how they happen within you. And learning how to interpret and deal with these signals. It’s all a Balancing Act.

Monday 18th April +1 02:26 True despair and hopelessness is setting in. Been a few months on these meds. The dose increased a month ago and it did nothing, except the increased dose was less sedating and it caused rebound sleep problems. I'm hardly eating but still gaining weight, and food doesn't even taste of anything to me. There was a phase where I was eating loads of junk, but it seems as though now I don't have to eat much to gain weight. From 74kg to 83.5kg over the past few months. I finish my plate quickly and thoroughly, still slightly hungry due to increased apettite, but overall still slightly unrelaxed to eat more. Likely gaining weight from the disrupted sleep and inactivity. My credit card is fixed now, I could still change meds, get CBT (different from ctb and catching the bus) , and give things more time, but I wouldn't have any regrets about suicide at this point and would be a relief. Only problem is sourcing sodium nitrite without getting the police knocking on my door. Back in November when I was living in low-end student accommodation, I tried to order sodium nitrite from a website. After paying they asked for proof of business use or licence for using it, but I didn't have or provide any. Week later the police entered my bedroom when I was sleeping in the morning to ask me about it. I managed to shrug them off. But right now I'm living with my family, and if I try to order sodium nitrite to my home address I might get police knocking on the door and the family would know. -- I helped an old man family friend today who fell over and needed help being lifted onto a bed. Feels just a little bit good.

I had a mental breakdown four years ago trying to understand myself, life and reality by looking inwards and questioning the nature of existence and understanding. I intentionally stopped all my self improvement work. Not because I couldn't bring myself to do it but because it had become a compulsive behaviour and I wasn't sure if it was what I was supposed to be doing in life. If it was, I didn't know if I wanted to be doing it that way. I was confused about my love for music. How could I tell if I genuinely loved music if I was constantly making myself do it whether I wanted to or not. I didn't know if it was just getting hard or if I maybe hated it and needed to admit that to myself. Trying to push through just kept my mind occupied and frazzled when I had questions about myself and what I was doing. I was obsessed with my health and found relief in going against my fear of damaging myself. The problem is now I've done all this experimentation in doing what I considered the 'wrong' thing (i.e not caring about what I ate, how I lived, how much weed I smoked etc.) and I feel like I've become dumber. I probably have. My head is clouded and my body is damaged and I can't seem to fully remember why I did what I did. I can't explain myself anymore because I tried to let the need to defend myself go too along with everything else. Now, improvement seems important again despite the apparent meaninglessness and illusory nature of life and I'm left with an ego that has destroyed itself through merciless questioning. I am now left with neither the person I had created myself to be through pursuit of personal development nor have I really retained the insights and realisations I had about life, paradox, human nature, desire, subject-environment relationship, etc. and I can no longer recall all the reasons I felt I needed to stop my whole life in the first place. I just feel like I've lost everything. Now all of my friends are ahead of me and I never got the spiritual answer I was looking for. I figured if there was an unwavering inner peace one could access at any time it would have to be unconditional so it shouldn't matter what I do if that's all I really want. It really fucking frustrates me because I was more disciplined than anyone else I knew from 13 years old and I did really well in school and was generally mature and intelligent for my age. I should have been the last person to stop pursuing self improvement. I was super strict with my diet, my pursuits, my social development and was very careful about the sort of media I consumed and even sold my playstation at 15 to focus completely on my life and my pursuit of drumming (which I was super committed to at the time). I don't know what the fuck happened. I was so confused. My reality fell apart and I have been mainly at home for the last four years as I dropped out of school in year 10. Initially to pursue drumming further but as I had more time to think I had more and more questions about why I was doing what I was doing, who I could trust, what I could trust in myself, how I could know whether I was right or wrong, etc. Of course I wanted to stick with my good habits in the beginning just to be safe (I was deathly afraid of screwing up) but it caused me this tension and I saw how my thoughts tied in with my actions and that I would never know if I could find peace in self acceptance rather than constantly chasing improvement if I never tried letting go of it all. I think about killing myself at times. Not that I really think I would do it but the fantasy comforts me. I'm fucking broken now. I was super into self improvement before and I never thought I would stop under any circumstances. Who I was and my level of development was more important to me than anything else. Well, at least in terms of health and mastery of a skill. I can't remember what happened now and I'm afraid of wasting time and regret but I also remember fearing being caught in the obsession with maximising improvement all the time. I'm just angry. I wanted an answer that would give me certainty that I was on the right track with practical improvement so I wouldn't slip up but I never got one. I was deeply unsure. If I held onto improvement it would have been solely out of blind belief and fear of losing progress. Where was the inner guidance when I needed it? I don't fucking want it now. I wanted it four years ago when I needed it before I lost my fucking grip. I want to try psychedelics now but I feel like they'll just show me what I already know I have to do. The truth that I don't want to face. Why wasn't it clear self improvement is what I should stick to four years ago when I needed that understanding. I actively sought these answers for so long but I just kept running into epistemic paradoxes which I now have lost interest in and understanding of. I'm angry I didn't try psychedelics a year or so into this when I thought they might help me break through the understanding I was struggling with. I was 17 and thought I was too young. I should have just fucking done it. Probably would have saved me from all this shit. It's too late now, the damage is done. I don't know. I hate myself now. I don't even want to try. I've been meditating daily again and working out and trying to eat healthy again but I'm constantly hit with waves of sadness and anger about the fact that I would have been four years ahead of where I am had I not questioned everything so much. Had I managed to attain some clarity and understanding that trying not to be attached to anything wasn't going to help me at all. I used to be passionate about self improvement but now I would almost rather be dead. I would definitely rather be dead. I want to stop existing. If I was supposed to just stick with self improvement that should have been self evident and fucking obvious regardless of my mental state. Otherwise how are you supposed to know that's what to do? I just wanted truth that I could see in any state that would guide me the right way. Intuition or something I could rely on but everything seemed dependent on perspective and bias. It seemed at the time that my obsession with self improvement was actually the problem. I had some OCD-like behaviours such as carefully cleaning my teeth for over two hours. Maybe this whole episode was a subconscious rebellion or ego backlash against my strict self discipline. Anyway, point is I'm fucking terrified. I had reasons for doing what I did but now I can't explain my thoughts like I could before. I almost feel like I don't even have thoughts anymore. I don't know what to do. I know the answer is probably to try to improve myself again as much as I can and catch up and that I just have to deal with the damage I've done and there's no way of it not hurting. I don't want to do that. There was something I realised about the futility of pursuing improvement and I'm sick of playing this game although there appears to be no escape. I don't know. I feel like I don't know or remember anything anymore. I feel dumb and completely broken. I don't know what I'm asking. I just want to hit the reset button. As immature and whiny as it sounds I feel like this was really fucking unfair. All I've ever tried to do was the right thing. How has it lead me to this point? I think I'm experiencing an emotional low right now which is why the feelings are so intense and obvious at the moment but they're sort of always there in the background. Also, I realise this post is sort of messy and poorly written. Sorry. It's a bit of a word vomit but if I get too meticulous I'll have a mental lock up and lose my train of thought. I sort of just needed to vent a little. Any thoughts on my situation? I don't know what I expect anyone to say. I don't know. I made a similar post a while ago that was perhaps a little more coherent asking for advice for self forgiveness but I don't know that that's the problem anymore. I don't know. I just feel completely broken. If I didn't have a family to hurt I would probably consider suicide. I want to cry but I can't. I want some emotional release or resolve. I'm afraid even if I improve myself again I'll arrive at that same point of attachment and anxiety. I have a lot of hatred and bitterness in me.

The Virgin brides was a mistranslation. It said 72 raisins. It is Suicide bombing is condoned, Islam is against suicide.