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@ZzzleepingBear I Am Existence (what you call God like if it was divine) I'm trying to escape this bad life but I know suicide will lead me to another form. I'm existing forever and have no choice but face this mess how can you accept that ? It's easy when you're living from a good life perspective but not when you have a life full of suffering and bad stuff happening

I read the book. Others on the forum recommend that I apply what I've learned. I have been opening up to my family on a lot of serious issues. so far I have made great progress. There is one last thing I have not told them about. It is about my father. Is it okay to tell my grandma that I'm happy my piece of shit father is dead? She is very sensitive about her son. She takes it as a personal attack when talking about all the horrible things my father did. She needs to understand that she did everything in her power to be a good mother, but her son was beyond her control. Her grand children were hurt deeply because of it. I don't blame her for being a bad person or anything. It is just painful for her to love her son as it is painful for me to love my father. A few things about my father. He was involved in gang violence. He was a drug dealer. He fled the state to avoid paying child support. He committed statutory rape when he impregnated my mother. I am trying the forgiveness exercise on him but am experiencing a lot of intense anger toward myself for being blinded by my unconditional love for my father. My father manipulated me. He preached the bible as if the father son bond was sacred. He wanted me to carry on some grand legacy with the Hamann name rather than holding my mother's last name. It was all fake. He wanted to use me as a pawn against my mother to get out of paying child support. He threatened to disown me if I told mom how he was evading child support. He therefore coerced me into committing a felony because of how he made me swear to secrecy. My feelings toward my father are that I love him even though exploited my love for him to use me as a pawn. It feels easy to love dad but very hard to love myself. I hate myself for loving my father. I judged mom for refusing to evict my step father because of her emotional weakness. I'm angry at myself for having the same emotional weakness that prevented me from sending my father to prison for the rest of his life. I deceived myself easily as I lied for my father. I drew a false equivalence between my father and abusive step father who destroyed the house and beat my mom. My father's side of the family told me that mom's side was the untrustworthy ones and I felt that nobody could be trusted. This played into my father's hands. Furthermore, I felt that family values were meaningless. I applied it to my whole family, causing me to feel depressed. I hate myself for defending my father in a way that hurt the rest of my family. I can forgive myself for doing everything in my power to be good. I still need time. Is it okay to be this honest with my grandma? My sisters were against it. They told me that I am too honest and I need to hold the truth back. They told me that I may have caused a man to commit suicide when I told him "I am not optimistic about your future, but you don't deserve to suffer."

@integral it's coming up again. The feeling that I hate my entire family came up. I could tell them that I have been hiding in my room for so long because I believed them to be degenerate. I am trying to form an emotional connection to others, but when I try what comes up is hatred, depression, and suicide. If I could somehow change myself without telling them, then I guess it would be fine. I'm trying to change like I always have been, but it doesn't work. The reason I don't socialize much us because I don't want others to change me or influence me. I don't trust most people to be high quality people. I have looked down on most other humans my entire life. I look down on myself as well for failing to find a higher purpose that fulfills me in life. I can never be fulfilled with any purpose if depression kills my joy. I'm opening myself up, but it is a hectic process. I'm sorry if I annoy you with the same story. My morals do not apply to today and they cause me a lot of problems. I say I hate myself a lot, but it feels more true to say I hate my family. I probably shouldn't tell them that yet.

These past few months I’ve gone through a pretty bad life crisis. I feel stuck, lost, and hopeless. I am questioning everything and it has gotten too a point where it is debilitating and taking away from every other aspect of my life. Everything is falling apart and I feel hopeless. Reality seems so scary right now. And I don’t know what to do other then rant about my problems and hope someone can at least offer some guidance or perspective. [Originally, this post was a long a** rant that I spent about 15 mins just writing. It was messy and very chaotic, so I took the paint points of the rant and made a bullet-point summary.] Homeschooling Trauma No social life / friends Bad social anxiety Cheating throughout online school, and forgetting the things I did learn and fear of lack of essential and necessary education before entering college. Life is bleak and others pity me FOMO on teenage / HS experiences Existential Crisis Based on Nihilism Fear of death Fear of wasted time / further wasting time and not spending it correctly, not making use of every moment. And not knowing how or why to even spend it correctly. My existence feels futile and mundane but also confusing without meaning, it all feels meaningless Fear of dying without knowing everything there is too know about everything Feeling insignificant and useless in a literal and existential way Afraid I cannot go back to how I was mentally and physically with these realizations. I feel doomed. I can't continue with regular life anymore, I keep thinking about how it all doesn't matter and how I won't possibly solve all these issues and that I'm just living a distraction. It's all a distraction. All cope. I feel paralyzed. And how can I live knowing how *** up our world is. Mental Health Feeling of depression and suicide. Chronic and debilitating procrastination that has ruined every aspect of life, caused me too go days without doing school work or even basic tasks like showering, and has put me behind in school, my previous goals, basic *** like attending college orientations, changing clothes, sleeping and life in general. Overeating and excessive weight gain Extreme insecurities regarding physical appearance (looks, acne, weight, height), have fallen into the "blackpill" rabbit hole and it's made me very depressed. Loneliness: virgin, friendless, loveless Cases of ghosting from perceived friends that have happened in more then one instance Negative experiences with therapy and doubts about its practical, ethical, and scientific legitimacy. The realization my loved ones may also be struggling just as bad as me Life Crisis Regarding Future (School, Career, Finances, Personal) Fear of going too college because of social anxiety and it being a repeat of high-school loneliness and suffering. Insecurities involving the prestige and price of school as well as major choice not being a good fit, being too hard, and useless Unsure if college is right for me and feel like I am going in blind The desire too play college soccer but the reality of not being recruited and me not realistically making my team due to skill issues, development issues, and the fact my school is a high level team and I barely played in HS. Hopelessness when it comes too dreams I’ve had as a kid (soccer, music, content creation, entrepreneurship) shattering against reality and never coming true. The realization of probability / determinism / luck / insane skill I may not posses in regards too hopes and dreams / unfairness of capitalist system has killed my hope. I will die never accomplish these and any sliver of hope is delusion. But, I cannot live with this notion. It hurts to realize not everything is possible. Fear of being average and never accomplishing remarkable feats. Fears of being doomed to wage slavery and being poor for the rest of my life just like I am now. Afraid I won’t be able to provide for my family and / or follow passions and be a failure in life like I already am. Finding self improvement, goals, and even continuing life itself futile and so confusing with all this hopelessness and uncontrollable factors that seem to not favor me. This is causing me too feel stuck and unsure what my “next steps” are, I’m just living day by day and I am clueless. I want answers.

there was a time and place when I thought you were my forever or at least my next ten years, but a voice in my heart told me no so I listened and lived in a hellscape of my own making. and a little miracle seeing our old friends made it all come back when I thought I was good. and I hope you hear this, I hope a part of you can hear this. because life’s been tough, yeah it tried to kill me but I’m still here, still dreaming, still doing this human thing wondering how long until I forget. so I took the pain and put it in these words and sounds , took my music and played it for the universe to listen hoping God forgives me for whatever I did to deserve a pain so deep it kills you. not suicide no the hurt literally kills you, died so many times of a broken heart in the last two years or so but shit’s been pretty straight since may. I just pray that you hear it. I know you can hear it. and in case you can’t now I gotta release it.

just try it out. I know someone with fibromyalgie, ADHD; heavy depression, suicide thoughts, diagnosed psychosis, daily panic attacks, weekly migraine attack and social anxiety (not leaving home for month) who tried psychedelics many times during this dark phase, even high doses. It all went well, after two years of using heavy psychedelics (around 50-100 trips with all kind of drugs include 5 meo, ketamin, mdma) the one is almost healed from any of these issues. I need to add the one was not on any pharmaceutical drugs like antidepressants and had high spiritual intelligence. Also all trips were with a trip sitter (me). So security was always there

My family has a history of mental health - including bipolar disorder, depression, and suicide. I have all of these symptoms and have been able to control myself mentally during psychedelic trips. You have to be very conscious of how psychedelics are affecting you mentally and if it appears to not be improving, take a break and move on to another psychedelic at a small dose. You just have to be very selective and mentally prepared. Take small doses, scale up safely, and ensure you are mentally comfortable and of course, not taking medication with certain psychedelics.

You can also indirectly kill people with your words and worldview. Think of all the LGBT folks who have died by suicide due to their family essentially shitting on them. The same folks who would spit such vile crap are the same ones who will justify that psychedelics are terrible and should be banned.

There is no individual being. You are the whole. It just appears that way. So, you are in conflict with yourself not Mother Nature. You are still in separation consciousness, which is fine for experiencing and exploring parts of Infinity, not recognizing this, is where your conflicts are arising from. You are predicting cells' behavior, so apparently you believe in a divine intelligence which makes this possible; but you are not applying that to your own existence and denying yourself as the Source from which things appear. God doesn't love or hate you because God doesn't make those distinctions, the mind does. Since God is love, it doesn't know hate because hate is a duality the mind creates. God doesn't know suicide because it cannot kill itself because it is all there is. You are denying yourself as Source. The lack of love you feel from God is a direct reflection of the lack of love you are giving to yourself.

@Rishabh R @Sincerity Yea good points. I thought about it and nature has to be both selfish and not selfish at the same time to maintain the symbiotic relationship. For example all the cells in our bodies lives in symbiosis. If a cell becomes to selfish it becomes a cancer. If it is not selfish the cell doesn’t have will to survive. I’m still not convinced Mother Nature or god loves us. It loves the whole. And we as individual beings aren’t that important. That is why god won’t stop you if you want to commit suicide. It cares about the whole. Not about one part of reality which is the ego.

@TheCloud I talked with my mom. I just discovered that my father was even worse than I previously believed. First of all, when Mom and Dad had sex it was statutory rape. Furthermore, my father coerced me into committing multiple crimes including felonies. He threatened to disown me if I did not swear to secrecy as he committed several crimes to avoid paying child support. All I wanted was to be good, and I was emotionally manipulated into lying on behalf of my father. I still feel a lot of resentment toward myself. I logically understand that my dad is a horrible person, but I love him anyway. I am starting to sound mad at my dad though. My defense is that I was forced to figure out life for myself because I never trusted my family. I had no guidance but my own. My family was never a good example, but I wanted to be a good person anyway. I'm slowly starting to see how human I am as I loosen my unrealistically high expectations of myself. The function of me hating myself is to prevent me from doing anything wrong by creating a lot of suffering for myself. This is why I'm miserable. I just feel like such a victim and I desperately want to be in control of my life so I blame myself. I sometimes feel mad at God for being unfair. At the same time I really value the truth and being the best person I can be. I know its hard to love as God would, but that is what I want to do. I wrote about some of this in the spirituality section, and I don't seem to be ready for spirituality. The reason my mind is so inflexible is because my harsh self judgements are designed for my survival. I could not live with myself if I became like my family. I'm trying to open up to my family. Its going to be hell in the short term, but I have been suffering hell all my life. I have been trying everything to make the suffering stop. My family is completely oblivious to a lot of trauma. They seem to be partially open to me finally coming out of my shell and expressing myself. My relationships will always feel hollow if nobody knows who the hell I am. They act like they don't want me to bottle up my emotions until I stop bottling up my emotions. I swear to God I'm always doing the best I can, but I hurt so badly and I don't want to be a victim. The truth is that I feel completely depressed and defeated. I don't have any control over my life. Suicide gives me a sense of being in control. Hating myself also gives me a false sense of being in control. I have been lost in a meaningless existence for my entire life struggling to find purpose in anything. I have been walking around with suicidal thoughts for over a decade. Nobody knows a damn thing about me.

I don't what to do right now with myself. I keep having problems with people and I'm going nowhere with trying to pick myself up mentally and emotionally and start taking control of my life and to simply even move out. I feel like such a failure. I'm around such toxic and such a toxic and environment which makes me feel so out of place with people because I don't interact well with anyone where I live (I live in San Francisco). I keep getting into arguments with people whenever I speak my mind. It can be about touchy subjects at times but whenever I try to act like myself, I can't do so without getting into problems with people everyday. I can't act like myself so I have to put on this mask because whatever I feel I need and want to say and act just doesn't fly with people here and just makes me even more of an outcast that people here don't want to deal with which leads me to having literally no social circle now. I don't know if it's something that's wrong with me or not now. Like, I don't see most people around me having this problem but I also don't see myself as being similar to the people around me and I can't literally see the mask they put on when they're going about their day and I just don't want to be like that. I'm 22 and I'm still living at home with my dad and little brother (who is going to be a junior in high school in less than a month and at this rate is probably going to move out before me). I'm trying to do personal development but I don't know what it is but I just feel something is so deeply wrong with me because I'm not getting any fucking results not matter how sick of my life I am and want things to get better and how I want to get better and turn things around and not be a victim anymore. I keep listening to @Leo Gura's videos because his voice is the only voice and what he has to say is the only thing I hear everyday that aligns with similar things that go on inside my mind and how I wish I could act every day and communicate. I work at some stupid pizza job where my managers will just decide to not even schedule for a whole week. I keep applying to even those low end fucking retail jobs and I keep getting rejected and I don't know why nor what I'm doing wrong. I just feel like such a failure and don't know if my mind alone will get me to get myself out of this hole I'm in that feels like is getting deeper and deeper. I just feel so deeply that I just don't want to be here anymore.

In hope this post will reach more people, I am gonna tag some active and helpful members of the forum that may have some insight on this: @Leo Gura @Loreena @Martin123 @Shin @Joseph Maynor @Emerald @Visitor @ajasatya At this particular time, seeking advice is the only thing I can do until tomorrow. It's 3:00 A.M in the morning where I am right now and I think I just might have prevented a suicide attempt, even though I'm not sure about it. My father just fell asleep. Today my father was acting normally up until I noticed him drunk at about 10 P.M. That was odd, because he was not drinking with anyone. he was drinking alone (I think he finished a bottle of vodka by himself). At about 12 P.M. I heard a bang in the kitchen and the sound of a plate shattering. My dad fell on the floor and broke a plate. He was so drunk that he was not able to get up on his own. I got to terrified when I saw him on the floor. I was trying to help him and he was saying things like "Why don't you just let me die?" or "I can't take this anymore!". I instantly assessed the situation and switched to a positive mood to help him get out of that state. I tried to be loving, affirming and showing him that I am there for him. I helped him get up even though he did not want my help and he sat down on the chair. He was continuing with the grim train of thought, saying "Things are not as they should be", ambiguously saying "Dan, I just want to wish you success." or "If someone could just put a gun to my head." Keep in mind the fact that he was just fine a few hours ago and for the past few days. I started asking him what is the problem and he said there is no problem, that there are only idiots that need to kiss his ass etc. He was hardly able to put his dental prosthesis back into his mouth and even then he eventually pulled it out and put it on the table. It was a pretty disturbing scene to me. I tried to comfort him both physically and mentally and eventually he got up, went to the bathroom (sat there for almost an hour) and then crashed into the bed (in which he fell asleep almost instantaneously). After he fell asleep I could also see a bruise on his back from the fall. Why would he be depressed and suicidal? I have a few thoughts. He is unconscious to his self talk. His thoughts are driving him nuts. What thoughts? A recent conflict with his brother which I think destroyed their relationship. I'm not gonna go into details. The fact that he needs to go back to a foreign country in which he works in order to sustain his family. He has been there all alone in a big house for 6 years, except the 2 years in which he payed for all his brother's expenses to stay there with him (he admitted to me later that he did not want to be alone and that that was one of the reasons he did that, the other being to try to help his brother find a job). Other thoughts include life not being the way it "should" in his mind, not being good enough, not being there for us enough, not being too present in my childhood etc. Like I was saying, I think his mind and particularly his thoughts are driving him nuts and I can not seem to be able to help stop them. He is using alcohol to numb the pain but alcohol is also a depressant. He is a totally different person when he is drunk. All of his suffering surfaces in that state. My mother is in Spain at my sister's for vacation right now. She left yesterday. My father has to go back into the country in which he works in about a week from now. I am alone with my father until he leaves on the 28th, that is if he isn't actually suicidal (which I lightly doubt) and has any attempts of suicide in his mind. What do I do tomorrow after he wakes up? Do I call my mom and tell her about the incident? Where do I seek help? Do I seek help or do I just talk to him and find out what I can do to help? Does anyone have any experience with these types of cases? I was totally blindsided by this event. My father was acting normally just earlier today. I am really worried and I now feel like I need to act like a hawk around him and maybe look after him 24/7.

@Yimpa i know pouting dosent get you anywhere i was pouting in my room for 8 years. It would have led to my suicide had i not tried mushrooms. Being a victim makes you a victim.

I'm actually fucking sick of this. Done everything I know in the book so far. Meditation, learning forgiveness, mindfulness practices, letting go. I have constant flashes in my day to day about shit with my mother and violent arguments that transpired. It doesn't matter whether I'm in good spirits or having a really depressive episode - it always happens. I've watched almost every actualized video related to this predicament. I can understand things like letting go and that the past is a concept on an intellectual level. But I don't feel it. I can't FEEL. All I feel is VIOLENCE and SHIT day after day. If I'm truly this far gone then what else can be done? Are some people just lost causes? At this point in time I feel I can either check myself into the emergency room for the fucking fifth time for having a manic episode like this. Or if suicide isn't part of the equation I can just self-medicate on alcohol/drugs and become a zombie again. What am I doing wrong here? I keep telling myself just to stop thinking about it all. When that doesn't work I tell myself to let it in/just allow it. Neither seems to work. My default state is a fucked up loser who just physical juts and reacts as if the fights are happening for real over and over again.

Hello, after every interaction with attractive women I get frustrated to the max. In my opinion women are dumb, too emotional for proper communication and extremely arrogant, especially attractive ones. I think that our society is fucked because of social media. Attractive women get way too much validation from stupid needy men, so they don't even have to work on themselves. No one cares when they behave like assholes. But men have to bring so much to the table to stay attractive and this pisses me off. Until I was 19 I had nothing sexual going, no kisses, nothing. I rejected many girls because I wanted the first one to be "perfect". First girlfriend with 19 then was extremely toxic to me, she had borderline, bulimia etc. Long story, but I guess you can image how she behaved with the mentioned disorders. 14 months pure torture, I was way too needy because I thought she was perfect. But the only thing that was perfect was her looks. After that I was dating about 10 other women through tinder because I was too shy to approach women in real life. But this was just for fun, I didn't want a relationship. Then there was another attractive woman with borderline and she broke me again. And after that I was dating a woman who was relatively thick and I thought that it was impossible for me to be with someone like that in a relationship, but we matched really well and I was surprised. I wanted to start a relationship with her and she broke me as well. She had red flag written all over her like all the other women I have dated before. But I was naive, nobody told me what red flags are. She basically went into a relationship with a "friend" of her. Only my second and last girlfriend was able to communicate good. She wasn't doing too many shit tests and our relationship was easy-going as it should. Unfortunately I had to leave her because of some things that disturbed me, frequent weed smoking and other drug consumption. Plus I didn't find her attractive because of the way she behaved and her looks, I'd say she was a little too "masculine" for me. I just got into the relationship because she forced me into it and I thought why not. After six months I had to end it and we are still really good friends, feels like a brother and sister connection, nothing sexual, she even has a boyfriend who really loves her and I'm grateful that they have found each other. I've done many therapies, had three months of coaching for 3000€ and it went pretty well. I can finally approach women when I really want to. I've finally come to the conclusion that I am not the issue, that's what I always thought before. I feel like society is only getting worse as I mentioned above. Women did not have any rights in the past, now I feel that they have too much power, it's unbalanced. We went into the other extreme. I think it should be 50/50, but it isn't. And I'm not sure if this is going to balance out while I am still alive. That's why I have suicide thoughts way too often. I've never tried killing myself and I hope that I never will but if that does not change in the next few years, I'm not sure how I'm going to feel in the future. All this work, all this self improvement and pain, I really have made much progress the last few years, especially the last year but it hurts that it does not get recognized by women. Only by myself and my friends, you may think that this should be enough but for me it isn't. I know that there are really beautiful women out there with top tier character, but I feel like they are way too rare or most of them already in a relationship. At least in the cities I've lived in, in Germany. I just want to be more attractive to women so I can have some fun, go on dates and finally have a girlfriend that fits me. I'm eating well, I do sports, built some muscle, look good and I try to approach women here and there. But somehow I'm not attractive enough for them, I either get no response via chat or they annoy me because of too many shit tests and I know they wouldn't do as many tests if they were sure that I'd be good enough for them. So... enough crying, let me ask a goal oriented question: How can I accept this mean and unfair world? Or how can I change the way I think about the world? I'm missing positive experience with women. Sorry for this negative talk, but this is my mind and I have to live with it every day. I just want to be more of my higher self and connect more with women. Thanks for reading. Best regards, Lukas

I've begun to notice a pretty strong fear of sucide in my life. I wouldn't even consider myself sucidal; I never contemplate suicide or anything. Recently I've been suffering from minor depression for the first time in my life, and, while I continue my spiritual path, it's almost like I fear letting go so much that it will eventually lead me to path which ends in my suicide. I also noice I project this fear onto others quite often, imagining that they're hanging on by a thread and I need to watch my behavior around them so I don't push them over the edge. Any thoughts/tips? Anyone experience this before? Thanks for the feedback! I've been meditating for about a year.

Ye rapper ( i dont follow him that much, much more accurrate examples can be shared. Figure who is Mature and who isnt Logic's speech on MTV after performing 1-800-273-8255 ( the title of the song is the number for suicide prevention call center)

It's hard to convey my love of cannabis. If you the worst that comes of using this plant it not accomplishing goals, becoming lazy, that's actually wonderful. Some people , like me, create whole imaginary worlds, very different from the human dream. The laws of physics change, this other world is so uhman, so alien from consensus reality. Inhabiting it for years is like suicide. My soul craves Earth, humans, and relationships. People can't read your mind in the human dream. It feels invasible when people start reacting to your thoughts in such an obvious and tangible way. The weed dream was fun. I love it. Better psychedelics, meditation, and Love can give me everything I want. I need some sex. I need a girlfriend. I need normal days. I need a quiet dream. The cannabis dream is so loud, so shakti, so crazy and anxious. So awe inspiring, so consuming.

Hello, My name is Gabriel, I'm 30 years old. Every day since I was a teenager, I've had thoughts about torture. The images and dialogues are - infinite possibilities of how to be tortured. - thinking about all those who are being tortured now, knowing that it's me - knowing that I am Everything and that I see through every eye & that there IS endless ways to be tortured and will be even worse when science will be able to keep humans alive in the worst conditions ever There's also a great fear of being tortured in this dream that I identify with now. I've already tried to let go of that many times, sometimes I stay with my presence and everything's fine because I'm not bothered by all these thoughts and fears. I can do that in the evening in my garden because it's the only time I'm not engaged with survival, during the day I must play the game to have money and pay my bills. And it's really hard to stay in my presence during activities and interactions with "others". Sometimes I really wish I hadn't woken up, so I wouldn't know that I am everyone. I can't accept the inevitability of what it is to be God... Living forever and living through all the worst things that happen and will happen I'm really lost because suicide isn't a solution (no eternal rest and no end...) there's no escape to this and I cannot accept this, it burns me Can you help me please? Much love

there's couple of gay pornstars who committed suicide and i can't watch theirs clips anymore, it's morbid for me....

People treated as products, abuse, fatherlessness, too much pleasure = suicide, gender pronouns. It's all here.

I want to share this article with you. Partly just as food for thought partly to make you aware of the fact, that (from a dualistic pov) meditation and non duality work can have potentially dangerous side effects: http://www.pennlive.com/news/2017/06/york_county_suicide_megan_vogt.html Leo did talk about some meditation side effects in his Dark Side of Meditation Video but I think, that there is a general lack of information about this topic. Feel free to share your own stories.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with any of this. I'm tired of existing. I don't want to feel any more pain. Gunshot to the head seems like a easy fix. Sucks to feel this way. But I don't see any other choice. I don't want to go though the stuggle of rebuilding my shitty life. I'm just done. I want to not be "me". I want to simply have peace... And I don't want to wait 10 years or whatever meditating to try to get there. Fuck

Ever since I was a teenager, the TV in my living room was always displaying scenes of torture and murder. I couldn't stop watching what was on the TV. I mean, what if the stuff in the TV happened to me one day? Everyone will go through something like that some day, right? If not in this life time, I will reincarnate into some other life, and what is happening in the TV will happen to me anyways. I can't bear the burden of having what is happening on the TV happen to me. There are many shows on the TV about reincarnation, so it's entirely possible that I would be transported to that type of reality as well. After all, there are no limits to reality. I could try commiting suicide to try and prevent what is happening inside the TV from happening to me, but I am here for eternity, so that won't work. Oh god, is there ANY way to escape from what is happening in the TV? It's impossible.