Search the Community

@Yimpa i know pouting dosent get you anywhere i was pouting in my room for 8 years. It would have led to my suicide had i not tried mushrooms. Being a victim makes you a victim.

I'm actually fucking sick of this. Done everything I know in the book so far. Meditation, learning forgiveness, mindfulness practices, letting go. I have constant flashes in my day to day about shit with my mother and violent arguments that transpired. It doesn't matter whether I'm in good spirits or having a really depressive episode - it always happens. I've watched almost every actualized video related to this predicament. I can understand things like letting go and that the past is a concept on an intellectual level. But I don't feel it. I can't FEEL. All I feel is VIOLENCE and SHIT day after day. If I'm truly this far gone then what else can be done? Are some people just lost causes? At this point in time I feel I can either check myself into the emergency room for the fucking fifth time for having a manic episode like this. Or if suicide isn't part of the equation I can just self-medicate on alcohol/drugs and become a zombie again. What am I doing wrong here? I keep telling myself just to stop thinking about it all. When that doesn't work I tell myself to let it in/just allow it. Neither seems to work. My default state is a fucked up loser who just physical juts and reacts as if the fights are happening for real over and over again.

Hello, after every interaction with attractive women I get frustrated to the max. In my opinion women are dumb, too emotional for proper communication and extremely arrogant, especially attractive ones. I think that our society is fucked because of social media. Attractive women get way too much validation from stupid needy men, so they don't even have to work on themselves. No one cares when they behave like assholes. But men have to bring so much to the table to stay attractive and this pisses me off. Until I was 19 I had nothing sexual going, no kisses, nothing. I rejected many girls because I wanted the first one to be "perfect". First girlfriend with 19 then was extremely toxic to me, she had borderline, bulimia etc. Long story, but I guess you can image how she behaved with the mentioned disorders. 14 months pure torture, I was way too needy because I thought she was perfect. But the only thing that was perfect was her looks. After that I was dating about 10 other women through tinder because I was too shy to approach women in real life. But this was just for fun, I didn't want a relationship. Then there was another attractive woman with borderline and she broke me again. And after that I was dating a woman who was relatively thick and I thought that it was impossible for me to be with someone like that in a relationship, but we matched really well and I was surprised. I wanted to start a relationship with her and she broke me as well. She had red flag written all over her like all the other women I have dated before. But I was naive, nobody told me what red flags are. She basically went into a relationship with a "friend" of her. Only my second and last girlfriend was able to communicate good. She wasn't doing too many shit tests and our relationship was easy-going as it should. Unfortunately I had to leave her because of some things that disturbed me, frequent weed smoking and other drug consumption. Plus I didn't find her attractive because of the way she behaved and her looks, I'd say she was a little too "masculine" for me. I just got into the relationship because she forced me into it and I thought why not. After six months I had to end it and we are still really good friends, feels like a brother and sister connection, nothing sexual, she even has a boyfriend who really loves her and I'm grateful that they have found each other. I've done many therapies, had three months of coaching for 3000€ and it went pretty well. I can finally approach women when I really want to. I've finally come to the conclusion that I am not the issue, that's what I always thought before. I feel like society is only getting worse as I mentioned above. Women did not have any rights in the past, now I feel that they have too much power, it's unbalanced. We went into the other extreme. I think it should be 50/50, but it isn't. And I'm not sure if this is going to balance out while I am still alive. That's why I have suicide thoughts way too often. I've never tried killing myself and I hope that I never will but if that does not change in the next few years, I'm not sure how I'm going to feel in the future. All this work, all this self improvement and pain, I really have made much progress the last few years, especially the last year but it hurts that it does not get recognized by women. Only by myself and my friends, you may think that this should be enough but for me it isn't. I know that there are really beautiful women out there with top tier character, but I feel like they are way too rare or most of them already in a relationship. At least in the cities I've lived in, in Germany. I just want to be more attractive to women so I can have some fun, go on dates and finally have a girlfriend that fits me. I'm eating well, I do sports, built some muscle, look good and I try to approach women here and there. But somehow I'm not attractive enough for them, I either get no response via chat or they annoy me because of too many shit tests and I know they wouldn't do as many tests if they were sure that I'd be good enough for them. So... enough crying, let me ask a goal oriented question: How can I accept this mean and unfair world? Or how can I change the way I think about the world? I'm missing positive experience with women. Sorry for this negative talk, but this is my mind and I have to live with it every day. I just want to be more of my higher self and connect more with women. Thanks for reading. Best regards, Lukas

I don't what to do right now with myself. I keep having problems with people and I'm going nowhere with trying to pick myself up mentally and emotionally and start taking control of my life and to simply even move out. I feel like such a failure. I'm around such toxic and such a toxic and environment which makes me feel so out of place with people because I don't interact well with anyone where I live (I live in San Francisco). I keep getting into arguments with people whenever I speak my mind. It can be about touchy subjects at times but whenever I try to act like myself, I can't do so without getting into problems with people everyday. I can't act like myself so I have to put on this mask because whatever I feel I need and want to say and act just doesn't fly with people here and just makes me even more of an outcast that people here don't want to deal with which leads me to having literally no social circle now. I don't know if it's something that's wrong with me or not now. Like, I don't see most people around me having this problem but I also don't see myself as being similar to the people around me and I can't literally see the mask they put on when they're going about their day and I just don't want to be like that. I'm 22 and I'm still living at home with my dad and little brother (who is going to be a junior in high school in less than a month and at this rate is probably going to move out before me). I'm trying to do personal development but I don't know what it is but I just feel something is so deeply wrong with me because I'm not getting any fucking results not matter how sick of my life I am and want things to get better and how I want to get better and turn things around and not be a victim anymore. I keep listening to @Leo Gura's videos because his voice is the only voice and what he has to say is the only thing I hear everyday that aligns with similar things that go on inside my mind and how I wish I could act every day and communicate. I work at some stupid pizza job where my managers will just decide to not even schedule for a whole week. I keep applying to even those low end fucking retail jobs and I keep getting rejected and I don't know why nor what I'm doing wrong. I just feel like such a failure and don't know if my mind alone will get me to get myself out of this hole I'm in that feels like is getting deeper and deeper. I just feel so deeply that I just don't want to be here anymore.

Ye rapper ( i dont follow him that much, much more accurrate examples can be shared. Figure who is Mature and who isnt Logic's speech on MTV after performing 1-800-273-8255 ( the title of the song is the number for suicide prevention call center)

In hope this post will reach more people, I am gonna tag some active and helpful members of the forum that may have some insight on this: @Leo Gura @Loreena @Martin123 @Shin @Joseph Maynor @Emerald @Visitor @ajasatya At this particular time, seeking advice is the only thing I can do until tomorrow. It's 3:00 A.M in the morning where I am right now and I think I just might have prevented a suicide attempt, even though I'm not sure about it. My father just fell asleep. Today my father was acting normally up until I noticed him drunk at about 10 P.M. That was odd, because he was not drinking with anyone. he was drinking alone (I think he finished a bottle of vodka by himself). At about 12 P.M. I heard a bang in the kitchen and the sound of a plate shattering. My dad fell on the floor and broke a plate. He was so drunk that he was not able to get up on his own. I got to terrified when I saw him on the floor. I was trying to help him and he was saying things like "Why don't you just let me die?" or "I can't take this anymore!". I instantly assessed the situation and switched to a positive mood to help him get out of that state. I tried to be loving, affirming and showing him that I am there for him. I helped him get up even though he did not want my help and he sat down on the chair. He was continuing with the grim train of thought, saying "Things are not as they should be", ambiguously saying "Dan, I just want to wish you success." or "If someone could just put a gun to my head." Keep in mind the fact that he was just fine a few hours ago and for the past few days. I started asking him what is the problem and he said there is no problem, that there are only idiots that need to kiss his ass etc. He was hardly able to put his dental prosthesis back into his mouth and even then he eventually pulled it out and put it on the table. It was a pretty disturbing scene to me. I tried to comfort him both physically and mentally and eventually he got up, went to the bathroom (sat there for almost an hour) and then crashed into the bed (in which he fell asleep almost instantaneously). After he fell asleep I could also see a bruise on his back from the fall. Why would he be depressed and suicidal? I have a few thoughts. He is unconscious to his self talk. His thoughts are driving him nuts. What thoughts? A recent conflict with his brother which I think destroyed their relationship. I'm not gonna go into details. The fact that he needs to go back to a foreign country in which he works in order to sustain his family. He has been there all alone in a big house for 6 years, except the 2 years in which he payed for all his brother's expenses to stay there with him (he admitted to me later that he did not want to be alone and that that was one of the reasons he did that, the other being to try to help his brother find a job). Other thoughts include life not being the way it "should" in his mind, not being good enough, not being there for us enough, not being too present in my childhood etc. Like I was saying, I think his mind and particularly his thoughts are driving him nuts and I can not seem to be able to help stop them. He is using alcohol to numb the pain but alcohol is also a depressant. He is a totally different person when he is drunk. All of his suffering surfaces in that state. My mother is in Spain at my sister's for vacation right now. She left yesterday. My father has to go back into the country in which he works in about a week from now. I am alone with my father until he leaves on the 28th, that is if he isn't actually suicidal (which I lightly doubt) and has any attempts of suicide in his mind. What do I do tomorrow after he wakes up? Do I call my mom and tell her about the incident? Where do I seek help? Do I seek help or do I just talk to him and find out what I can do to help? Does anyone have any experience with these types of cases? I was totally blindsided by this event. My father was acting normally just earlier today. I am really worried and I now feel like I need to act like a hawk around him and maybe look after him 24/7.

It's hard to convey my love of cannabis. If you the worst that comes of using this plant it not accomplishing goals, becoming lazy, that's actually wonderful. Some people , like me, create whole imaginary worlds, very different from the human dream. The laws of physics change, this other world is so uhman, so alien from consensus reality. Inhabiting it for years is like suicide. My soul craves Earth, humans, and relationships. People can't read your mind in the human dream. It feels invasible when people start reacting to your thoughts in such an obvious and tangible way. The weed dream was fun. I love it. Better psychedelics, meditation, and Love can give me everything I want. I need some sex. I need a girlfriend. I need normal days. I need a quiet dream. The cannabis dream is so loud, so shakti, so crazy and anxious. So awe inspiring, so consuming.

Hello, My name is Gabriel, I'm 30 years old. Every day since I was a teenager, I've had thoughts about torture. The images and dialogues are - infinite possibilities of how to be tortured. - thinking about all those who are being tortured now, knowing that it's me - knowing that I am Everything and that I see through every eye & that there IS endless ways to be tortured and will be even worse when science will be able to keep humans alive in the worst conditions ever There's also a great fear of being tortured in this dream that I identify with now. I've already tried to let go of that many times, sometimes I stay with my presence and everything's fine because I'm not bothered by all these thoughts and fears. I can do that in the evening in my garden because it's the only time I'm not engaged with survival, during the day I must play the game to have money and pay my bills. And it's really hard to stay in my presence during activities and interactions with "others". Sometimes I really wish I hadn't woken up, so I wouldn't know that I am everyone. I can't accept the inevitability of what it is to be God... Living forever and living through all the worst things that happen and will happen I'm really lost because suicide isn't a solution (no eternal rest and no end...) there's no escape to this and I cannot accept this, it burns me Can you help me please? Much love

there's couple of gay pornstars who committed suicide and i can't watch theirs clips anymore, it's morbid for me....

People treated as products, abuse, fatherlessness, too much pleasure = suicide, gender pronouns. It's all here.

I've begun to notice a pretty strong fear of sucide in my life. I wouldn't even consider myself sucidal; I never contemplate suicide or anything. Recently I've been suffering from minor depression for the first time in my life, and, while I continue my spiritual path, it's almost like I fear letting go so much that it will eventually lead me to path which ends in my suicide. I also noice I project this fear onto others quite often, imagining that they're hanging on by a thread and I need to watch my behavior around them so I don't push them over the edge. Any thoughts/tips? Anyone experience this before? Thanks for the feedback! I've been meditating for about a year.

Ever since I was a teenager, the TV in my living room was always displaying scenes of torture and murder. I couldn't stop watching what was on the TV. I mean, what if the stuff in the TV happened to me one day? Everyone will go through something like that some day, right? If not in this life time, I will reincarnate into some other life, and what is happening in the TV will happen to me anyways. I can't bear the burden of having what is happening on the TV happen to me. There are many shows on the TV about reincarnation, so it's entirely possible that I would be transported to that type of reality as well. After all, there are no limits to reality. I could try commiting suicide to try and prevent what is happening inside the TV from happening to me, but I am here for eternity, so that won't work. Oh god, is there ANY way to escape from what is happening in the TV? It's impossible.

@Display_Name A couple years ago I had similar fears about AI. I was worried that some super AI would take over and somehow manage to keep me alive forever. It would torture me to death and then revive my body until eternity. Nowadays (even though AI is way more powerful then back then) that fear is completely absent in me. Looking back, I can see that there was a massive amount of unprocessed fear in my system. I believe that at least some of this fear came from my family lineage. In my dads side of the family there have been many generations of people who seriously believed in hell. I was raised as an atheist, but I think this fear of hell somehow got programmed into me. So when I heard Sam Harris talking about AI taking over, my fear of hell buttons got pushed hardcore. At the darkest moments I considered wearing a suicide pill on a necklace, so that if I read somewhere that AI had gotten super powerful I could quickly kill myself before the AI could get its tentacles on me. I think the way out of these nightmarish thoughts is doing serious deep healing work. Feeling your feelings, working through your traumas. I don't think 'not allowing negative thoughts' is going to cut it. I was never able to banish negative thoughts from my head. The only thing that worked was working through my shit. And this was more on the level of the body and emotions, then on the level of mind(although working on beliefs can be powerful as well). The fear of AI/hell can also greatly be reduced by deeply realising that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you are and have always been 100% been worthy of love. The universe will not torture you because you are bad. You are not bad, and the universe loves you unconditionally. On a different note. Everything is happening within consciousness, so it's impossible to upload your consciousness into a simulation. If in your dream you dreamt that there is some super AI, then no matter how smart this AI is, it could never put your dream into itself. It is in the dream, not the other way around Uploading consciousness into the computer is complete nonsense. It's like a if a television screen was worried that the villain in the movie was going to lock it up in a basement and torture it forever. I really hope this helps. Having these fears was the darkest time of my life. You can work through this and then the world will look very different again.

I just wanted to say thank you to Leo for all his honesty and content. It is very reassuring. Leo has mentioned he wasn't sure if his substance use or other choices would eventually lead to his own suicide. This was very refreshing to hear. I have also had this weird feeling of knocking over the first domino and not knowing where it will lead. I have felt scared and even an occasional impending sense of doom. I saw another person state sometimes on psychedelics reality is so torn you realize your mind, brain, and heart are not in danger but suddenly you realize your very soul, spirit, or life force is somehow in jeopardy. But that is the adventure of life. And life has some big risks and big rewards. It is very yin yang and "everything-is-God" and beyond good and evil. Thanks again. Much love!

@integral i am in this situation going on 31 now. I can honestly say i am rather suicidal. The thing is I wanted someone since I am 15 but I have been chased away from girls from the beginning, what's even worse the guy who bullied me 8 long years attempted suicide and is rotting in the ground since 13 years....I am hiding my inner self for 16 years now...what do you thin about this peter pan analogy from Jordan Peterson. I felt like it happened to me even though I had an existensial shock with 12 and all the other developmental phases I tried to manipulate myself into some childish behavior.

I want to share this article with you. Partly just as food for thought partly to make you aware of the fact, that (from a dualistic pov) meditation and non duality work can have potentially dangerous side effects: http://www.pennlive.com/news/2017/06/york_county_suicide_megan_vogt.html Leo did talk about some meditation side effects in his Dark Side of Meditation Video but I think, that there is a general lack of information about this topic. Feel free to share your own stories.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with any of this. I'm tired of existing. I don't want to feel any more pain. Gunshot to the head seems like a easy fix. Sucks to feel this way. But I don't see any other choice. I don't want to go though the stuggle of rebuilding my shitty life. I'm just done. I want to not be "me". I want to simply have peace... And I don't want to wait 10 years or whatever meditating to try to get there. Fuck

I'm aware of that but you didn't answer the question. If that's what you are suggesting, are you aware over 700,000 people worldwide commit suicide each year. I wonder what the causes were. Probably not from being on a forum. Other factors are involved. Do you blame gun manufactures for every person that gets shot. I bet you don't blame the Supermarkets for hosting poisons on their shelves that's slowly causing millions of deaths each year. The blame game never gets to the root cause.

Are you suggesting that Leo killed the guy from the forum that committed suicide. Not saying you are, I'm not sure, that's why I'm asking; or at least was the cause of his death. BTW, I am familiar with that incident.

I love that Hallucinating song haha. Talking to myself in a loving manner is becoming the norm. I feel really loved by myself. I'm there for Me at last and it feels good. I've been expressing a lot of anger recently. Three days ago I was tripping and at some point a lot of anger arose in Me and I started screaming into a pillow so hard my throat hurt - FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did that like 4 times and proceeded with the trip lol. I've been angry with myself for many reasons. Not knowing what I am, disappointing myself, lying, ignoring important aspects of My life. Crafting a detailed suicide plan one month ago when I was at my lowest. Fuck. The last one stings the most. I mean not so much anymore I think because I expressed a lot of the anger already (working through it step by step everyday) and tried to forgive myself but yeah. It may still be lingering there, idk. I wanted to share this for the sake of honesty. Now I'm feeling better, cleaner, happier. I'm more motivated from a place of love. I'm being more expressive with people, genuine, peaceful. Things are looking brighter. I'm reading Radical Honesty right now. I love the book, read over half of it so far. It's inspiring Me to express my emotions (especially anger) openly with others and not lie about shit. Like I'm lying to my family about my psychedelic use, forum use, all that stuff. I won't expose everything all at once but I'll do it in small steps. First I'll tell the truth to my sister. Next to my mom. Next to my dad. Baby steps + I'll do it wisely. I'll certainly practice these conversations first in my mind. It'd be nice if I lived up to my name, right? Because so far I've been Insincerity in so many ways, I feel. Fuck that, man. I wanna be Love itself.

I actually thought about exactly this when I wrote my post , how suffering can be equally as deep no matter the context of it. But I didn’t bother to edit as I still got my overall point across I think. Im speaking to the average sex buyer and about the average prostitute. Sure there are perhaps exceptions with these luxury escorts but the average doesn’t look like that I guess in a way I’m trying to highlight how actually both the buyer and the prostitute aren’t benefitting from it. I bet you most men who buy sex don’t actually want to be the man who does it, they don’t want to have this sense of self as this man who buys sex, it’s quite humiliating to their own self image. At most maybe it could be a temporary relief from deep pain but nothing more than that . Sure if you on the brink of suicide and buying some sex helps a little I understand but I don’t believe the average sex buyer is coming from that place so this suffering argument doesn’t hold there…. how can I know how the average prostitute suffers? Well firstly simply being a female gives me some understanding of female psychology I would say, also my own research into this topic that has somehow fascinated me from a young age (held a speech about it in 9th grade lol) . Reading inside stories from former prostitutes watching documantaries etc also another thing. I think what this all sort of boils down to is that I have this inherent ability to internalize my own suffering in some way, and then perhaps I’m holding other people to such a standard but perhaps not everyone has this ability to internalize their suffering so they do experience that their suffering is inherent to an external situation (for example lack of sex) . But maybe I’m trying to point out how you actually are doing yourself also a disservice because yourself don’t want to have that sense of self as a sex buyer okay I will stop here ? it’s exhausting to try to concoct all these perfect answers I’ll let them be messy asf. But also I’m not really defensive about this I’m just trying to share what I sense about stuff

Depends. You don't know how strong the male drive for sex is, nor what a lack of sex can make a man feel, and neither of us (I'm guessing) know how the average prostitute suffers. Suffering is very a hard thing to quantify. Imagine an unattractive guy with zero confidence who is 30, a virgin, and has never been loved by anyone; I could easily see that person suffering just as much as an average prostitute, maybe more. To back that up; there is a statistic that virgin men in their late teens and 20s are an exceptionally high suicide risk, on the order of 4x more likely than women or non-virgin men. To be clear I think prostitution is generally bad in most cases and I would never use one, although there are likely women who get into it and enjoy it. Think sugar daddy type relationships. There are no men who enjoy being a 30 year old unloved virgin. My point is that comparing suffering of two groups like this can be hard, since no one has experienced both situations.

There are people who ask help from god as their last hope. They don’t get any answer and commit suicide. Some egos are too thick

You don't know the depths of hatred that lurks inside of you. All social conditioning is self-hatred. But its necessary to turn you into a type of character. But God is that which plays all characters so playing one type of character becomes too limiting and thus exhausting. You yearn to scream I am every woman, I am every man, it's all in me!!! I'm everything so leave me alone with all this cannot do this or that I'm perfectly good I don't need no morality!!! When you finally shed your conditioning it all makes sense. You realize that as God you are a suicide pilot that blasts yourself into the unknown. The suit is your ship that ship is called human you get alone on this journey so you look for a ship to relate to called a relationship, and Earth is the unknown and you don't like flying solo. You eventually discover that it is best to love flying solo if you ever want to master relationships because every ship you thought was other was really just you! If you ever start hating becoming human too much you have two ways out either suicide or Enlightenment. LOL it is wiser to choose Enlightenment so you can complete the trip like a Master.

I would like to share with you guys my story of misusing psychedelics. I arrived in Canada last September and within first few weeks I ordered some mushrooms. I did them around 20 times in 2018-2021 so after a few years of break I decided to start over. When the shrooms arrived, I did 3 grams and have a good trip but not a profound one. I wanted to get deeper and I made a decision to try this mysterious psychedelic called "DMT". I ordered a DMT. When it arrived, I was so afraid to vape, my hands were shaking. I read a lot of trip reports where people would see some beings on DMT or visiting another galactic and experiencing other dimensions or worlds. Nevertheless, I managed to overcome fear. I smoked some DMT and the trip were weird. I would experience ego-death, but I didn't see any beings. I didn't go anywhere either. It was the same present experience, but I was conscious that I'm God. This God realization wasn't really full and I still have a lot of questions. I started doing DMT every week multiple times. Experiences were very quick and I still couldn't grasp them. Which is why after a few months I ordered 5MeO-DMT. When it arrived, I smoked 40 grams of it the first night. I had the most shocking experience and my first absolute awakening. I realized that I'm the only conscious being, this mysterious thing that dreams up a variety of infinite stories in order to convince itself that it's not god and it's not everything that exists out there. This experience shook me to my core. It was the most radical and the most profound experience in my entire life. The next day I couldn't believe in what happened. On the other hand, ego reacted as well. I went for a cycle of ego backlashes involving smoking a lot of weed, eating fast food and deserts, playing videogames and jerking off on porn. Also, I wanted to convince myself that all the experience was just some hallucinations and it just can't be truth. In order to prove it to myself I started doing 5MeO every Saturday. Unfortunately, the result was the same. Over and over. Basically, every Saturday I would freak out because of 5MeO and every Sunday I would go trough ego backlash. On the weekdays I needed to do my 9/5 job, but even there I was thinking about the truth. Months were passing by as I was going deeper and deeper. Few weeks ago, I suddenly realized that If I continue doing what I'm doing I'll either loose my mind or commit suicide. Also, I didn't work on my life at all. Everything was on autopilot and all my attention was concentrated on the trips. All of it made me made a decision. I decided to stop doing psychedelics at all until I'm 30 (I'm just 26 now). I want to forget about the truth. I need to concentrate on my life because I've been neglecting it. I haven't been doing psychedelics since the end of April. Nevertheless, today I had this crazy experience at night. I was about to fall asleep but suddenly I became infinite for a few moments. I was terrified by this experience. Any ideas about how to forget that I'm God??? I want my dream back. I want to forget the truth.