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@Salvijus I'm also trying to listen to the old testament. It has a lot of wisdom except for some laws I guess which are boring to listen to. It is all boring. My communication is dumn and I don't remember what I hear to repeat to other people which is my flaw. I might be on the path, but I'm still not gonna let go of suicide, nor am I sure that I am on a path to a job. My rep is tarnished and my health I guess. It's just that I won't be able to make it anywhere, especially living where I live in peace and health. I want to walk a path to heaven, but man, it is not meant. Obviously God has to have some sense of social justice and Marxism, otherwise I'm never going to heaven.

@Schizophonia but don't you remeber when they banned them in the 60 cause people were getting too happy and peaceful not too insane. The insanity alcohol causes is just as bad and self destructive. Alcohol is a ticking time bomb. First you start to have fun then it goes to people only like me when I'm drunk. Then no one likes me so I drink alone to suicide . People don't need drugs they need a place in their mind that gives them peace. Alcohol does that for a short period of time but is very destructive. Mushroom can do that for you permanently and can't be taxed.

Does Leo expect marriages and households to crumble on the path to awakening? Will Leo have children? If Leo expects us to face insanity and even flirt with the risk of suicide (plugging DMT), will a relationship survive these strains? Thanks

All relationships and your identification with them will need to be seriously deconstructed if want to understand higher / deeper truths. No way can your current way of relating to reality survive or be maintained at these higher states of consciousness (no, I’m not talking about suicide being the answer). Furthermore, not willing to explore beyond your current paradigm is what keeps you stuck; there’s a bountiful amount of defense mechanisms that prevent you from doing so in the first place. Unlike with some other spiritual traditions, the work we’re doing is not about avoiding relationships, nor is it about merely improving current ones and striving to making them peaceful and “perfect” based on others’ standards. Instead, what we’re after is having a profound and intuitive understanding of what any and all relationships fundamentally are. We need to be very clear on how they shape our worldview and identity. This is not going to happen automatically and effortlessly, hence why it can appear to feel like “dying”.

I'm getting pulled to opposite directions by 2 forces. One wants me to live, and the other one wants me to kill myself. Both suicide and staying alive is bad. Impossible problem, and I don't even know how I got here. So that makes me stuck. Not dead, not alive, just mysteriously existing. Pretty sure I will get weird dreams now when I go to bed.

Fact is.. that it doesn't matter what I do, or how hard I try, or how hard I don't try. Because life is unfair, I'm a victim, and I'm in hell. Anyone who says otherwise/disagrees with me, is just confirming that. There is no way out. Not even suicide. You guys don't understand how fucking bad it is. Sometimes not even I understand it. That's how bad it is. Anyone who disagrees is just trying to cope with the shit. Or he/she got lucky in the life lottery.

I have studied self development for over than 2 years now, and I tried to understand the root cause of the ego/duality in the brain and to see every step on how it evolves from childhood to adulthood. So I studied many teachings from different people and I noticed that there are 2 kinds of ego, not only one. Everybody says that the ego is the “evil side”, but from the studies I noticed two opposite egos. I tried to make a study of both dualities/egos, but I came along with some problems that I will address below, after I show you the study. The characteristics of these two egos/dualities: - The bad/selfish ego: Logical mind -> Thoughts -> Evil Ego -> Masculine energy -> Unconscious -> Fear/Surival -> Pain -> Traumas -> Indulgent education -> Tyrants in society -> Positivity -> Happiness -> Narcissists/High self esteem -> Egoism -> Desires -> Possessive -> Hate -> Manipulators -> Selfish -> Possesive love -> Addiction -> Indifference -> Physical abuse -> Criminals/War -> Death/Killing. (ex: The popular kid in the school that is narcissist, rich, happy, doesn’t have a heart and that bullies you everyday, that doesn’t care about anything, very manipulative and can hurt you physically if they hate you, abusers) - The good/selfless ego: Emotional mind -> Emotions -> Good ego -> Feminine energy -> Unconscious -> Fear/Survival -> Pain -> Traumas -> Strict education -> Sheep in society -> Negativity -> Unhappiness -> Empaths/Low self esteem -> Altruism -> Expectations/Attachments -> Sacrifices -> Depressive -> Self hate -> Victims -> Selfless -> Dependent love -> Anxiety -> Numbness -> Suicide. (ex: The kid that is being bullied, that is poor, depressive, has a big heart and cares about everyone, the empath that sacrifices everything and is selfless, that it might commit suicide) I studied the 9 stages of Ego, from Leo, and I noticed that there were always two different egos, one that is selfish and one that is selfless: - Symbiotic, Impulsive, Opportunist, Expert stage - which had in common selfishness, indifference, anger, manipulation, superiority, logic. - Conformist, The achiever stage, Pluralist, Strategist - which is sheeps, dependence/needy, feelings, intuition, compassion, selflessness, sacrifices. I noticed that even in the Spiral Dynamics: - Beige, Red, Orange - survival, egocentric, domination, predators, indifferent, narcissistic, selfish, individualistic, cold - Purple, Blue, Green - sacrificing for others, naive, rules, obedience, return to spirituality, care and love, false spirituality Even the chakras have opposite dualities/egos: - 1st Chakra, 3rd Chakra, 5th Chakra - survival, self esteem, personal power, self worth, confidence - 2nd Chakra, 4th Chakra, 6th Chakra - emotions, love, intuition, imagination The duality of the brain (where ego lives): - Left brain: analysis, logic, ideas, facts, math, training, etc. - Right brain: creativity, intuition, arts, creation, feeling, imagination, etc. - If both hemispheres are in balance, what develops is free thinking. That's when you use your whole brain. Now my confusions: 1. People say the Ego is only the “bad ego”, but then, why in all these studies we have two opposing egos? If ego is only the “bad ego”, what is the “good ego” that I noticed? Cause it’s not Consciousness, because in the “good ego” we have self hate, low self esteem, etc. 2. Is duality formed of bad ego vs. good ego? Or duality is formed of bad ego vs. bad ego? I know that somewhere I am very diluted, because right now I don’t understand if ego is only the bad side. 3. What is Ego then, and where should I place the “good ego” characteristics? Please correct everything you see wrong in the study. You can see that some things are not right in the characteristics of ego, but I don't know how to correct them. I know that the two categories are somewhere wrong because, you can’t say that an evil person only has a logical mind, are not emotional, they are cold, because they hate and are angry, and that is an emotion too. Or you can see that I put happiness at the bad ego, which is a characteristic for enlightenment, so for sure something is wrong. 4. From what we know, Leo said that Consciousness = Unity, Unconditional love, Selflessness, Absolute goodness, Happiness, Peace, Balance. But balance means the equilibrium between good and bad. And happiness/selflessness/goodness is just the good part only. If consciousness is balance, that means that if we take my model, today I should love you unconditionally, and tomorrow I should hate you, today I should be selfless and tommorow selfish. Cause this means balance. Or that I should be neutral and not hate you and not love you. But this is surely not right, this doesn’t sound right. 5. Why does consciousness look like the “good ego”? Being selfless, loving unconditionally without boundaries, sacrificing until you want to commit suicide? If God is absolute and balance, it means he is both. But this in practice looks like today I’m an altruist and tomorrow I will kill you. Which again doesn’t sound right. 6. If consciousness is balance/unity of duality/paradox, then saying that God is selfless is just one side. From this model I understand that God is selfless and selfish at the same time, good and bad at the same time. But this doesn’t make me fell happy, unconditional loving, just very confused and not able to do anything, because I’m in the middle. 7. What does balance look then in practice? For me, for example if one extreme is healthy food and the other extreme is unhealthy food, the balance would mean i would eat healthy and unhealthy in balance. I will have a salad and cookies after. But why for some balance means only salad? 8. If Consciousness is the “good ego”, that means that I should become like the good ego, and that will lead me to suicide. But there is self hate and low self esteem, so it’s not Consciousness. What is the difference between the “good ego” and Consciousness? Is Absolute good the balance of love and hate? 9. In the spiral dynamics we see balance as rational, emotional and intuitive come together, or feminine and masculine in balance. If we apply the model in my study, that looks like again today I love you, tomorrow I hate you. So how can I get out of this? Please correct everything that is wrong and please help me fix the study, to put in order the characteristics and understand exactly what is Ego. I really want to help this world and I want to finish this study, so I can help everybody in the future. Please don’t be mad at me for what I wrote. Is what I noticed while I gathered this whole information and put it side to side. Please help me see what is wrong here, because I can’t get out of this and it tormented me for so long that I feel like I can’t anymore. @Leo Gura please take a look on here, I would appreciate it very much to hear your opinion.

The good vs. bad ego, as you described, aren't "good" and "bad" -- they are both bad. One is only "good" from a certain type of morality (Christian?) They are both bad from an Aristotelian golden mean kind of outlook. If you're a narcissist, that's bad; if you're committing suicide because you're too sensitive, that's bad too, from that viewpoint. They are both extremes. Firstly, the "ego" is simply that which we think we are; they are traits we identify with. This is morally neutral, although MOST of the time, we think whatever we are is good or right. Nonduality moves along the process of integrating the shadow, that which we tend to disidentify with. It can occasionally be considered good, but most of the time we think of it as bad. We tend to project it onto others or repress it. The endpoint of spiritual development is a yin-yang kind of integration of the two, where we discover that we were wrong all along in associating the shadow with evil (the case most of the time.) We drop the negative association and see it as a necessary part of ourselves.

How ? Your avatar/ego currently knows that this is all a dream and yet you have no option to leave it unless you commit suicide, which is not possible in this scenario. Ditto Immortality in every sense of the word, god dreams of a world whose destruction of the avatar that god believes to be (ego) can never be destroyed.

So how is this green exactly? I'd say the 1st and 3rd tweets have quite a bit of red in them. Not only the tweets but the persons too. They seem full of hate and pretty misandric. Someone at stage green can definitely be triggered offcourse, But its highly unlikely they encourage abuse or suicide or say such vile things.

I don't what to do right now with myself. I keep having problems with people and I'm going nowhere with trying to pick myself up mentally and emotionally and start taking control of my life and to simply even move out. I feel like such a failure. I'm around such toxic and such a toxic and environment which makes me feel so out of place with people because I don't interact well with anyone where I live (I live in San Francisco). I keep getting into arguments with people whenever I speak my mind. It can be about touchy subjects at times but whenever I try to act like myself, I can't do so without getting into problems with people everyday. I can't act like myself so I have to put on this mask because whatever I feel I need and want to say and act just doesn't fly with people here and just makes me even more of an outcast that people here don't want to deal with which leads me to having literally no social circle now. I don't know if it's something that's wrong with me or not now. Like, I don't see most people around me having this problem but I also don't see myself as being similar to the people around me and I can't literally see the mask they put on when they're going about their day and I just don't want to be like that. I'm 22 and I'm still living at home with my dad and little brother (who is going to be a junior in high school in less than a month and at this rate is probably going to move out before me). I'm trying to do personal development but I don't know what it is but I just feel something is so deeply wrong with me because I'm not getting any fucking results not matter how sick of my life I am and want things to get better and how I want to get better and turn things around and not be a victim anymore. I keep listening to @Leo Gura's videos because his voice is the only voice and what he has to say is the only thing I hear everyday that aligns with similar things that go on inside my mind and how I wish I could act every day and communicate. I work at some stupid pizza job where my managers will just decide to not even schedule for a whole week. I keep applying to even those low end fucking retail jobs and I keep getting rejected and I don't know why nor what I'm doing wrong. I just feel like such a failure and don't know if my mind alone will get me to get myself out of this hole I'm in that feels like is getting deeper and deeper. I just feel so deeply that I just don't want to be here anymore.

In hope this post will reach more people, I am gonna tag some active and helpful members of the forum that may have some insight on this: @Leo Gura @Loreena @Martin123 @Shin @Joseph Maynor @Emerald @Visitor @ajasatya At this particular time, seeking advice is the only thing I can do until tomorrow. It's 3:00 A.M in the morning where I am right now and I think I just might have prevented a suicide attempt, even though I'm not sure about it. My father just fell asleep. Today my father was acting normally up until I noticed him drunk at about 10 P.M. That was odd, because he was not drinking with anyone. he was drinking alone (I think he finished a bottle of vodka by himself). At about 12 P.M. I heard a bang in the kitchen and the sound of a plate shattering. My dad fell on the floor and broke a plate. He was so drunk that he was not able to get up on his own. I got to terrified when I saw him on the floor. I was trying to help him and he was saying things like "Why don't you just let me die?" or "I can't take this anymore!". I instantly assessed the situation and switched to a positive mood to help him get out of that state. I tried to be loving, affirming and showing him that I am there for him. I helped him get up even though he did not want my help and he sat down on the chair. He was continuing with the grim train of thought, saying "Things are not as they should be", ambiguously saying "Dan, I just want to wish you success." or "If someone could just put a gun to my head." Keep in mind the fact that he was just fine a few hours ago and for the past few days. I started asking him what is the problem and he said there is no problem, that there are only idiots that need to kiss his ass etc. He was hardly able to put his dental prosthesis back into his mouth and even then he eventually pulled it out and put it on the table. It was a pretty disturbing scene to me. I tried to comfort him both physically and mentally and eventually he got up, went to the bathroom (sat there for almost an hour) and then crashed into the bed (in which he fell asleep almost instantaneously). After he fell asleep I could also see a bruise on his back from the fall. Why would he be depressed and suicidal? I have a few thoughts. He is unconscious to his self talk. His thoughts are driving him nuts. What thoughts? A recent conflict with his brother which I think destroyed their relationship. I'm not gonna go into details. The fact that he needs to go back to a foreign country in which he works in order to sustain his family. He has been there all alone in a big house for 6 years, except the 2 years in which he payed for all his brother's expenses to stay there with him (he admitted to me later that he did not want to be alone and that that was one of the reasons he did that, the other being to try to help his brother find a job). Other thoughts include life not being the way it "should" in his mind, not being good enough, not being there for us enough, not being too present in my childhood etc. Like I was saying, I think his mind and particularly his thoughts are driving him nuts and I can not seem to be able to help stop them. He is using alcohol to numb the pain but alcohol is also a depressant. He is a totally different person when he is drunk. All of his suffering surfaces in that state. My mother is in Spain at my sister's for vacation right now. She left yesterday. My father has to go back into the country in which he works in about a week from now. I am alone with my father until he leaves on the 28th, that is if he isn't actually suicidal (which I lightly doubt) and has any attempts of suicide in his mind. What do I do tomorrow after he wakes up? Do I call my mom and tell her about the incident? Where do I seek help? Do I seek help or do I just talk to him and find out what I can do to help? Does anyone have any experience with these types of cases? I was totally blindsided by this event. My father was acting normally just earlier today. I am really worried and I now feel like I need to act like a hawk around him and maybe look after him 24/7.

@at_anchor You need to see a psychiatrist and a therapist ASAP, Don't just throw away your life, Suicide carries its own karma, you know.

I'm not interested in impossible. You are overestimating my lifes path. I am not gonna become Buddha or a yogi in this life. In another life I will if there is such a thing. This life has to come to an end, though. It is hard and it got too hard for me to deal with! So please hear my wishes better. I do not wish to become a yoga practicionaire because of my life that got real bad. I only wish for assisted suicide that is safe, painless and legal. Netherlands has it legal if it is assisted by a doctor I guess. How can we get me there and help me get a doctor for this asap? In another life we can talk about yoga and stuff. This life is too bad and poor to be talking about that stuff.

This is true unfortunately yet this is only true to the psychopath. To an average teenager who is a "I wanna be tate so bad," if he decides to sell drugs for money and join a gang, he will be in enormous trouble, a nightmare in prison, losing his family and his entire life turned upside down and he might suicide not being able to handle it, he will lose his mind. To the average Joe, the machinations of a psychopath is like a child playing with acid, he will hurt himself really badly and not have the mental in-affectedness or psychopathic aptitude to deal with the loss and brutality. That's where Tate's line of thinking gets into the snakepit territory, good only for Tate, nightmare for others.

Assisted suicide is honoring of life, but I understand partially that you can't inform me about this. It is okay. Where can I seek for the info? I guess by going to netherlands directly. But that is kind of hard. I also have energy problems and can barely write this here.

This is not what this forum is for. No one here is going to help you with this information. If you want help feeling better and honouring your life that’s what the forum is for in part. But, if you are considering assisted suicide you need to seek out that information elsewhere. We are here promoting the honouring of life.

@Leo Gura yeah but do you think not giving any solution, worse criminalizing pedophilia is actually better ? at the end of the day pedophiles aren't gonna sit around and wait for permission their whole life, they're just gonna do what it takes to satisfy their sexual needs. the thing with sexuality is that it's literally impossible to suppress, sooner or later, it will pop out in uglier ways. if i was only attracted to children, i'll go and rape, and i won't give a fuck about the ethics. i'm not gonna sit there for decades without doing anything about it. that's the reality, when humans can't have their most central needs met in an ethical way, they'll meet them in a criminal way. just look at human history. you're telling dozens of millions of people to just rape or suicide.

I've begun to notice a pretty strong fear of sucide in my life. I wouldn't even consider myself sucidal; I never contemplate suicide or anything. Recently I've been suffering from minor depression for the first time in my life, and, while I continue my spiritual path, it's almost like I fear letting go so much that it will eventually lead me to path which ends in my suicide. I also noice I project this fear onto others quite often, imagining that they're hanging on by a thread and I need to watch my behavior around them so I don't push them over the edge. Any thoughts/tips? Anyone experience this before? Thanks for the feedback! I've been meditating for about a year.

Oh, somebody with a working spiritual compass, and a heart to actually listen to it. Bon voyage and all the best! That is now the most likely path. Writing about ones own (Alien) insanity, and rolling out the path to that to an audience dragged by google & Co. to this place (many with psychological problems), and having a paywall as entry criteria. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? Each suicide will haunt him in the afterlife & next lifes when the emotional suffering & energies caused by it are no longer shielded from him, like in this earth realm. Infinite Intelligent Reality? Oh yes, perfectly sufficient intelligent enough to handle back that Karma & suffering caused, as learning experience for the soul. Didn't see these mechanism on his trips? Many many others have, in minute detail. Sure, all imagined. But that won't help then. Hell is also only just imagined, but appears very very real while having the resulting hellish bad-Karma nightmare-dream. You Will Know Them by Their Fruits 15 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. 16 You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? 17 Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Therefore by their fruits you will know them. Matthew 7:15-20 So it seems that Spirit is not tired playing its game, and didn't choose this case here to be an example of "psychedelics-beneficically and wisely used in an integrated way", but instead a showcase-example of "what can go wrong rolling out an extreme psychedelic protocoll to an unscreened, uncoached and unqualified audience". Water by the River

Update: I wrote out a list of things that make me depressed. The loss of my sexual innocence is at the top of the list. I have been clinging to This identity since the incident from when I was six. It was undermined with masturbation and pornography later on. The loss of sexual innocence has more to do with the issue than the shame of being a man. My desire to become a woman was addressed and is now fading. I have been watching parts of how to get laid. I was open minded for a bit, but then experienced ego backlash. That is when this desire to become a woman came up. Sorry if I seem kind of jumpy. Everything I put on this forum is a discussion of things that have bothered me for a while. It is all coming up at once and I am changing fast. My mind is becoming more peaceful, so this is working. Suicide is starting to seem preposterous. The most important insight is that me trying to love myself stands in the way of me loving myself. I believed that I needed truth to love myself because I otherwise love illusions. I was trying not to be self deceived, but I am now trying to flip what I have been doing. I'm trying to let go of this belief that I am morally obligated to love myself based on who I truly am. I don't have to love myself. Believing I have to love myself makes me hate myself. It is paradoxical, and it goes against what this site holds. That is love and truth are one. Maybe the fundamental problem is that I confused relative love and truth for absolute love and truth. I also meant who I truly am as an ego, not God. Struggling to love myself therefore made it impossible to love myself because I stood in the way by trying to love myself through forcing truth on myself out of a sense of moral obligation to love myself. I ended up dropping the hammer on myself constantly and brutally. It is finally stopped. I feel present. Of course I still have the list ready for the psychiatrist. There seems to be a happy ending to all of this.

I'm seriously considering suicide now. My life had turns meaningless. My life had been put to a stop. I couldn't even have last december and have my last year of being twenty six. I couldn't experience Christmas last year and celebrate the new year like literally everyone else. My life was put to a stop. Without my will. I want to die peacefully. There's nothings much left in my life.

You don't really need euthanasia. You just need information about how to committ suicide in a safe and painless way. Unfortunately that information is kind of hard to get for some because it's censored everywhere, including here.

@ZzzleepingBear I Am Existence (what you call God like if it was divine) I'm trying to escape this bad life but I know suicide will lead me to another form. I'm existing forever and have no choice but face this mess how can you accept that ? It's easy when you're living from a good life perspective but not when you have a life full of suffering and bad stuff happening

I read the book. Others on the forum recommend that I apply what I've learned. I have been opening up to my family on a lot of serious issues. so far I have made great progress. There is one last thing I have not told them about. It is about my father. Is it okay to tell my grandma that I'm happy my piece of shit father is dead? She is very sensitive about her son. She takes it as a personal attack when talking about all the horrible things my father did. She needs to understand that she did everything in her power to be a good mother, but her son was beyond her control. Her grand children were hurt deeply because of it. I don't blame her for being a bad person or anything. It is just painful for her to love her son as it is painful for me to love my father. A few things about my father. He was involved in gang violence. He was a drug dealer. He fled the state to avoid paying child support. He committed statutory rape when he impregnated my mother. I am trying the forgiveness exercise on him but am experiencing a lot of intense anger toward myself for being blinded by my unconditional love for my father. My father manipulated me. He preached the bible as if the father son bond was sacred. He wanted me to carry on some grand legacy with the Hamann name rather than holding my mother's last name. It was all fake. He wanted to use me as a pawn against my mother to get out of paying child support. He threatened to disown me if I told mom how he was evading child support. He therefore coerced me into committing a felony because of how he made me swear to secrecy. My feelings toward my father are that I love him even though exploited my love for him to use me as a pawn. It feels easy to love dad but very hard to love myself. I hate myself for loving my father. I judged mom for refusing to evict my step father because of her emotional weakness. I'm angry at myself for having the same emotional weakness that prevented me from sending my father to prison for the rest of his life. I deceived myself easily as I lied for my father. I drew a false equivalence between my father and abusive step father who destroyed the house and beat my mom. My father's side of the family told me that mom's side was the untrustworthy ones and I felt that nobody could be trusted. This played into my father's hands. Furthermore, I felt that family values were meaningless. I applied it to my whole family, causing me to feel depressed. I hate myself for defending my father in a way that hurt the rest of my family. I can forgive myself for doing everything in my power to be good. I still need time. Is it okay to be this honest with my grandma? My sisters were against it. They told me that I am too honest and I need to hold the truth back. They told me that I may have caused a man to commit suicide when I told him "I am not optimistic about your future, but you don't deserve to suffer."