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I don't know how to keep living with this. The reality is that I have to. I feel so alone; no one can experience this with me. I can tell our story a million times, but I can never hear it again because he is not here to tell it back. I woke up just now. Having spent yesterday at his parent's, I went to bed almost immediately after returning home. W talked for hours. So many things had happened during the half year we had the break. One thing is that there had been an episode where they had taken him to the psychiatric emergency department. He had been told he would get discharged almost immediately if they took him in, so he had declined it. His mom seemed angry about that. She said that even if that's the case, they shouldn’t necessarily say that because then, of course, he wouldn't go. Another thing is that the day of the suicide was the day before he had a scheduled appointment with a psychiatrist at the hospital. I don't know why for sure, but that information felt important to me, maybe because I have felt bad for not contacting his parents or pushing him more to get help. I'm not sure, maybe that's not completely it. And I know the system is fucked up. All they do is throw anti-depressants and sleep meds around everywhere instead of helping people heal the roots of the problems. He had been given some sleep medication, but he didn't want to take it, he only took half a dose because he was afraid to get addicted. And I'm like, wtf. Any addiction would be better than you doing this! and also, if you ingested so many weird health supplements, drugs, and medicines all the time, also illegal ones, then why couldn't you just try some fucking sleeping pills. It makes me so angry. They showed me his final letter. I became angry reading it, I haven't felt so much anger in this before. I had looked sort of forward to reading it. I thought it would help me understand better and get more closure, but I couldn't recognize his voice at all. It was two papers, not many words. He said he had an amazing life, amazing parents, and amazing friends, but that he couldn't sleep and couldn't take it anymore. He said he wasn't there, that he couldn't watch a movie or have conversations, he said life is beautiful, but only if you can be present, and that he couldn't be present, that he wasn't there anymore. But then. Why. not. just. do. the. fucking. fucking. fucking. sleeping. pills. There is this feeling. I have tried it a couple of times, where you are in the middle of a breakup fight, and you feel sad and scared, but beneath it all, you also feel a little bit excited about your decision and that things are going to change. But then the other part calms down, and you sit and sort of open your hearts to each other, and you feel connected. Then a part of you actually feels scared that you won't need to break up anyway, it's like a feeling deep down that you almost won't admit to yourself, and you might even say something that will ruin the connection or get the discussion starting again. I think he might have had that feeling, that he had made the decision and now he couldn't handle to change his plans, or he felt that tiny bit of excitement and probably a lot of relief, so he didn't want to put himself into a scenario that would make him change his mind, thinking he might have to go through all of this again at a later point. Now he just wanted to get it over with. At the end of the letter, he had written down a number to a tinder girl he had been seeing and a small message to her. I knew he was seeing her even when we thought about starting couples therapy. It hurt a lot, which was unexpected because usually, I have felt completely good about him having experiences with other girls. Maybe it's because I feel sad he didn't write anything to me. Maybe it's because I realize that he had grown closer to her, having spent a year and a half sort of dating her. His father told me they only spend time together on the weekends, and that is also how I understood it. As if it was mostly a sexual thing. Also, because he talked so much about our relationship while he had her, and the last time I saw him, he had just woken up from sleeping with some other girl even. I don't know, I feel stupid for obsessing so much over this. It's just that I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for those last six months and that she was there and got to know him right until the end. Wow, I feel so angry at her, It's a long time since I've felt jealous like this, not since high school. I feel like I could hit her. They gave me one of his hoodies and one of his t-shirts. It's so weird to see them lying on my floor as if he just took them off and went to the shower or something, as if he will be here in a minute. It's like he misses inside them. I don't know how I feel about them. In one way, I want to wear them all the time and never take them off, in another way, I want to put them away and never look at them again. His father told me that's how he has felt about pictures. He said he had been worried that it would be too difficult to have me visiting because when they look at me, they are so reminded of him, and also because I said I would bring the book I made with photographs. They really appreciated it. His dad was surprised in a good way when I said it was for them to keep. He said it multiple times. They invited me to come with them to their summerhouse next month, where they will spread his ashes out on the sea. I think it is the best idea. It was his brothers' idea. Wave in the Ocean. I said I would very much like to come and be a part of it but that I thought they should discuss it as a family and then let me know later if they still wanted me to come. I hope they won't change their minds, but their needs come first in this. I opened up to them about how I felt lonely in the grief because I wasn't part of his friend's group for real. They said they had thought about inviting the people from the funeral over for his birthday in the fall. I would like that, but fuck how much better it would be if it was just a regular birthday and he would be there. They also gave me back a birthday present I had given him once. it's an orbit mobile that resembles a planet with rings around it. I have hung it in the window over my bed, I looked at it while falling asleep yesterday. I feel mixed about it now because I feel sad looking at it, but it is also so pretty and reminds me so much of him and what we shared. I feel so ashamed, especially for the early part of our relationship, when we were 20-21. And it is from then that his parents remember me the most. I wasn't a very good girlfriend. I was picking on him a lot about small stupid things. I was so stupid and childish, I didn't know how to behave or be nice, and I didn't know anything about love. I was picking on him because he couldn't put up a hook for that stupid mobile. It had been lying under the bed for a long time. Then I said I would marry him if he ever actually put it up. But I didn't. I wish I could get just one more chance to love him. I know in some ways, you could say I get second chances all the time, for he is other people just as much as he was himself, and I can almost hear him say that in my head. But you know what I mean, I just wish I could kiss him. Him, exactly him. I tried to explain our complicated relationship a little bit to them, I think they got a better understanding of how big of a part of my life he was, even though we were apart a lot of the time. But I also think they thought it sounded crazy. I told his father how Wave had said to me that he needed to be with the tinder girl to learn some particular things and that I needed to be with someone else I slept with at that time to learn some other particular things, and he connected in with some astrological stuff, and then, when we had done that and learned those things, then we would be ready to be together. And his father just shook his head, saying that this was escaping from his fear into some sort of philosophical reveries, and it just hit me. That we think we are so special, so enlightened, so developed, but sometimes people who just live without thinking too much about it can teach us a lot, sometimes they are so much wiser, we kill ourselves from thinking too much trying to be Gods trying to plan and figure out, instead of just living as bodies. God's bodies, of course. But bodies. The last thing they gave me was the big yellow bowl he used to eat oatmeal in. It was his, I always got another one, a smaller, I'm not sure I have actually ever eaten from this one. It's stupid small things that matter. This experience has changed me so much and is changing me so much. I get scared, not knowing what to be sure of anymore. I'm so tired of him being dead, It's like a part of me thinks that it's something I'll have to endure for a couple of months, but it's not, it will never be over, at least not until I'm dead too. I thought this would give me closure, but It just opened up more things and more feelings. It's Sunday today. I don't know what to do with myself. There is no one else than myself that can sit with this feeling, but I'm so tired of trying to teach myself to be alone. I can never win. And now, there is a whole other dimension to that because if we haven't been so focused on teaching me to be alone and teaching him to be more outward, then maybe we could have ended up just as a normal couple. But I have to stop thinking about what if. I have to trust God, and I have to trust Wave I really really have to. And I just have to live. When I went home yesterday on the train, I, of course, felt it would be peaceful just to end it now as well, now I delivered the stories and the pictures, maybe I could also leave now and be in peace with him. But I'm thinking that if we were playing a video game together, and he died, he would maybe go get some snacks in the kitchen and then come sit beside me and watch me finish the game, cheering on me, he would think I was stupid if I turned the game off, maybe even right before the finish line, maybe we are very close to winning the game if I just hold on a little bit longer, and I have to keep my eyes on the screen, trusting that he sits there right beside me, but I can't look, I have to trust.

I know he has a video on nihilism and older videos about depression. But in the light of new levels of awareness he reached recently,I hope that Leo can cover the topic of depression and suicidal thoughts more in depth. Why antidepressants don't work ..and a spiritual advanced solution.

Maybe it’s just me but I resent my parents for creating me. Life will inevitably contain some pain, and for many an unbearable amount, from which the only escape is death. Suicide can be very difficult: a failed attempt can cause more suffering, and can cause it for those around the person doing it. No sane person would say we should subject an innocent being to undeserved suffering without consent . it’s unjust by societal standards, why should doing this to someone not yet alive be different? Since there is no possible way to get the consent of a being not yet alive, antinatalism seems like the only logical position.

@Superfluo You don't seem to have a signature currently. Could you link the posts please? @Anirban657 How long will you be taking the medications for? Key thing here is "good doctor". Last time I put my faith in a doctor I almost died to suicide, had they given me warnings about the medication they prescribed it wouldn't have been so bad... because I wouldn't have taken it in the first place knowing how risky it is for people under 18.

Some of Schopenhauer's best insights were his ideas about the centrality of boredom. Boredom sits at the heart of the human condition. If we were in a survival situation, that is all we would be consumed with...the means to putting food in our mouth, getting hydrated, and finding comfortable shelter from the elements. In an industrialized, complex network of production and consumption, this is all atomized into our little "work" pursuits. On the other side of the spectrum, waiting for us is boredom. Boredom lays bare that existence isn't anything BUT striving-after. We strive to survive and be comfortable. Then, if we do not have any entertainment pursuits to occupy our mental space, we may get existential. "Why are we doing this repetitive upkeep, maintenance, and thrashing about?" It becomes apparent about uselessness of existence. Then we start looking for an ounce of pleasure.. we all try to submerge in these entertainments to not face the existential boredom straight on. That would be too much to dwell in for too long. We design goals, and virtues and reasons, and entertainments, and standards to meet, and trying to contribute to "something". We cannot fall back on the default of existence.. the boredom. So what is one to do? If suicide isn't a real option, there is only the perpetual cycle. The illusion is that it can be broken. Schopenhauer deigned freedom by asceticism. but it's simply training the mind to live with the existential striving-after more easily. That is all .a mental technique. It is not a metaphysical escape hatch.

@Devin These guys end up hurting themselves socially more than their wives could ever have. Many of them end up in jail serving life sentences. Others commit suicide afterwards. Also there any many murders among couples who are not even married, and therefore have nothing to separate.

I wasn't joking, lol. Toxic Orange mindset right here. No one asked to be born. Life is forced upon us. If you want to force everyone to work to live, then you better provide legal suicide booths in every city, and somehow find a way to eliminate trauma for all affected by the suicides. Each person on average contributes something like a few million to the economy during their lifetime. People are profitable. Why do you think suicide is illegal? You're killing the government's livestock by committing suicide. Is Trump less lazy than OP? He's lazier than the lowest paid members of society, yet somehow he gets a pass because he's rich and successful in the eyes of Oranges. If you actually looked at the effort rich people have to put into their work, it's not much different to a homeless person sitting on a street holding a cup.

I think it requires a certain level of awareness and consciousness development to be able to work with mental health condition, especially a complex one such as Bipolar, Schizophrenia or major depression. Medications are there to ease life for people who do not have tools, knowledge or resources to handle these holistically. Medication prevent people from killing themselves during states of mania and hyperarrousal. If you are a highly developed individual, chances are you can, for example deal with a panic attack through a breath work and introspection but for people in spiral dynamics stage blue who are not aware of such practices even existing, medication is what helps them and keeps them from making a suicide attempt. They are not ideal and for moderate conditions such as mild to moderate depression, they do not work as well but for extreme conditions, meds are actually very helpful. The problem is that once people are put on meds, they do not receive further support. Meds should be used to alleviate major symptoms so that core issues can be addressed, which is where an integrative approach such as IFS comes in. It's like asking someone to hold a carpet while you vacuum clean underneath

I don't think Jordan is all bad. He's a psychologist that's helped people. He sometimes offers decent advice to people who are struggling. Many people have stated he's saved them from suicide. He's a human being remember. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone at him.

Agreed. This is why people commit suicide. You don't know what death is, no one does, as you haven't experienced it. You know what pain and suffering is though. And we conceptualize death as sometimes a release from pain.

My arguement is that, you are not actually afraid of death. But what you are really terrified of is suffering and pain. This has been evident by countless examples. People are commiting suicide everyday because they cannot take any more the torture and misery of their lives. Also speaking of torture, i've seen video where a guy was being tortured, and was in so incredible and terrifying level of pain that he was begging to be killed. And the only reason you fear the unknown , is because you are afraid you won't like it. If i told you, after death everything will be ok with no suffering and pain you would not fear it that much. Maybe there are exceptions to this. There are masochists outhere but they enjoy only particular forms of pain. People make constantly the arguement that you are always afraid of death because what you do each day is take care of your body to avoid it. But that's not quite accurate. You are forced to take care of your body otherwise you will suffer for it. If you don't drink water, it causes distress to you. Your body is sending you all these nagging signals. Thirst motivates you to drink for example. Suffering and pain motivate you to take care of your body, and not so much the fear of death. Sure subsconciously your brain doesn't wanna die either, but what is else to fear other than pain and suffering in life? Also lastly, to illustrate my point: When you go to sleep at nigh, do you fear it?

@Jannes Trans people like me and your friend can't go a minute without our legitimacy or existence questioned or laughed out, it's really humiliating and degrading. No wonder the suicide rate for us is so high. After a while I'm questioning whether I'm respecting myself being on this forum or not, I don't think I am. Yh fuck it I'm done with forum and actualized.org, y'all can fun with your culture war bullshit. I'm better than this. @Leo Gura thank you for all of the content you've put out throughout the years, it's been life changing for me. Take care.

Conservatives aren't ashamed of it. They want to be associated with it and claim the victory. It's finally a win for them and their voter base from a generally ineffective and toothless party, it's a big morale boost. So there is no reason for them to disavow or try to spin it. The dumb majority opinion is "Trump elected a conservative judge, which is the reason Roe v Wade got overturned, so it's ultimately Trump's fault." That opinion is already cemented in public consciousness and it's too late to change it. You guys really can't conceive that removing abortion rights isn't some political suicide hot potato that conservatives would want to offload haha. Don't worry, Biden and the Dems have enough problems to handsomely lose the midterms without also blaming loss of abortion rights on them.

I'm weak, but I'm not thinking of committing suicide. Will face those bastards. No worries. ? What about transgenders?

Only weak people think of suicide as a solution. Face your problems/demons, we all have them. Sidenote: Women have a solipsistic view of life, not men.

Some say God created itself. Logically this is false. The source didn't choose to give birth to itself. Giving birth is only possible for those who are alive. To give birth to oneself means to be dead and then to become alive by choice. But if one is dead then one can't give birth so there is no option to give birth to itself. So God must be uncreated. Meaning it has no choice but to exist unless it can commit suicide. It can give birth to stuff. That is called "God's creation". Thoughts?

@JoeVolcano Thats easy to say when you dont get hate crime for wearing what you want, called wrong pronouns and names, assumed about so much, considered a threat, not automatically accepted by family, bullied for who you are etc. Dont minimize peoples experiences. You dont even know how long theyve been questioning and how long theyve had to "grow out". Id rather have the entire cisgender community grow out of selfishness and entitlement though. You already receive more life every day, because all these things dont apply to you, not even mentioning rape and suicide statistics. There are millions of trans people in the world, its not just some petty personal cause, and they dont receive the love that you do in so many areas of life. Your life can still be difficult in other ways, but dont forget that trans people also have lives and they have the discrimination plus all the other challenges. That is what drives so many to kill themselves. If you see that as something that should be overlooked for your own comfort of not having to respect people, if you see people as radical for wanting equal rights, then thats pretty damn disgusting.

I have a lot of thoughts about this. First of all... Ya'll should know I love going to drag shows. I only say this so you can understand that I am nuanced in that I don't fit into one side or the other. In fact, I am not going to a pick a side in this conversation but... Embrace not knowing, and taking into account more and more data, opinions and statistics and events over time as I go about formulating my understanding of all the related areas of understanding here. At the same time. How I look at the world and define the world is up to me. There is is a lot nuance to be looked at here, and I sense there are higher level distinctions we can make when looking at Trans rights in society. I am aware of some stats around Trans suicide, and crimes committed against transgender people. However, don't let your emotions and fears make your thinking emotionally charged... and therefore sloppy, demonizing others on the forum etc. The actual reach this particular thread is going to have isn't likely to be that deep. So, just breath, relax... lets have a conversation. I think there is a difference between being transphobic, and hating people for their identify, sexuality and preferences and then having opinions or your own metaphysics around what a man or woman is. For me, personally. A trans person is a trans person. I call them by their preferred pronouns. I'd love to hangout and get to know you. But, I do biologically born women as women, biologically born men as men. If they are born that, and identify as that then... thats how I see it. I see a transwoman as a transwoman and a biologically born woman as a biologically born woman. I think part of the issue here, is that trans people carry with them a lot of shame, and struggle to love themselves. So, when I don't completely see you the way you want me to.. you think I hate you. But, thats not true. So, do I call Transwomen women? Yes. But, when it comes to something like a bathroom, a sport, etc... I then have to take into account many other factors that involve the concerns of other members of our communities, science, peoples paradigms, the potential for dishonest actors, etc... It's really a complicated topic. I don't want to be shunned, shamed, attacked, canceled etc for people someone who is learning, who's opinions are nuanced and complicated. Not understanding, or having opinions around gender that don't match yours... Isn't hate. I love everyone. But, I am learning. Remember, gender and even sex is a construct. But, what is what? I don't know. One of my favourite songs. Your tells are so obvious Shoulders too broad for a girl Keeps you reminded Helps you to remember where you come from You want them to notice The ragged ends of your summer dress You want them to see you Like they see every other girl They just see a fa***** They hold their breath not to catch the sick Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone with you With you, with you You've got no cu** in your strut You've got no hips to shake And you know it's obvious But we can't choose how we're made You want them to notice The ragged ends of your summer dress You want them to see you Like they see every other girl They just see a fa***** They hold their breath not to catch the sick Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone with you With you, with you You want them to notice The ragged ends of your summer dress You want them to see you Like they see every other girl They just see a fa***** They hold their breath not to catch the sick Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone with you With you, with you

Last point- remember how i said i was really trying to be loving? What i mean by that is ive written up a list of rules/ways of acting that must be followed at all times. One example is im never allowed to show signs of anger/ displeasure incase this hurts someone. If you ask someone who knows me i promise you theyll telk yoh yhat after leaving school i never got angry. I also another long list of rules with the goal of making me SEEM more loving and warm. Why SEEM and not actually be loving? Incase people treat me the way MICHAEL TREATED TOBY and im unable to control my emotions. Also im afraid prolonged loneliness mjght make me lose touch with things like empathy. Im hoping that by acting loving and as warm as i can someday ill be able to connect with people and find a warm group of friends who will also show me some affection. Then maybe ill heal and ill be able to genuinely love others without having to force my self.instead of having to force myself to not get angry, i just wont get angry out of love. I promise you that if you ask anyone who knows me theyll tell you i tried to be loving. Please be sure to ask them about my actions in depth. Keep in mind if it is the case that im ugly, actions that i did with the aim of being loving might have been interpreted as something else. Im not an expert on human behaviour but i tried my best to be like what i thought others wanted to see in a friend. I hope one day i can show you all my rules. Please know i tried friend. But dont take my word for it. Ask my coworkers , family and people from school. Theyll tell you how i was someone who never missed to wish them on their birthday. Probe alittle more and youll find they arent too sure if they wished me. This is just a little part of my life that shows you what kind of life i lived. Btw -on my 21 st birthday this year ,nobody except close family wished me. Think about that alittle. While others 21sts are supposed to be a major event, nobody from outside my family wished me. How would that make ylu feel? Have ylu ever experienced someting similar? If you probe youll find how hard i tried to find a connection but couldnt. Another thing that has constantly been on my mind lately is the possibilty that ill die without ever having an intimate relationship. Imagine the mental turmoil of never being able to hug someone, make someone laugh, talk and share secrets all night while your significant other giggles and is happy. Especially for someone whos only goal in life is that.i dont want credit or praise and whatever jve done is inexvusable and is deserving of severe punishment until you think justice is served. but i just want to point out that in the midst of this mental ache, hopelessness,being alone without any friends for 2+ years , today at this time i made a descision to be loving. I dont know if youll ever see this or if ill ever show this to you. Again im deeply sorry. Its time i got on with my loving path now. I promise to work hard and to keep the spreading of suffering at bay for as long as i can. Not to toot my horn but i personally dont know anyone who has taken up a challenge like mine. Even david goggins had friends/ gf etc. I have to push all alone. For who knows how long? I hope one day i find friendship and companionship and no longer have to force love.i hope someone out there accepts me into their circle. I dont believe in a personel god but if a god does exist i have only 1)if you can see into the future and know im going to harm some one please take my life away today before i do And if you dont take away my life 2)if therer are other rules to follow that will make me reduce others suffering/ make me seem/be more loving please make them known to me. 3) please let my actions lead to a warm affectionate connection with someone. I mean no offence by saying i dont believe. Its just that im not convinced at the moment ×××EDIT- if your wondering why although desperate for a relationship i never asked anyone out ,its because i always want to leave the possibilty of suicide open ie-after my parents death. If i do so i have zero chance of hurting anyone else right? As ive stated before the reason why i dont commit suicide now is because it will cause suffering to my family as jp said. Not nececerilly becUse theh love me but due to social backlash and things like thag as well. I dont want to ask someone out ajd then leave them high and dry. Instead my gameplan is to act as loving and be as warm as i can. And if that ends up being attractige someone hopefully shell make the first move. Again -i dont want to make the first move and postpone my life.just being alive causes harm to animals(even vegans during crop production) and beinh culpable in exploitinh workers who work in factories etc. Unless im absolutely lovable i dont want want to live for long and cause harm. But at the same time i must admit i hope someone is attracted to me and i get to xp what its like to cuddle,hug,kiss, laugh together, have sex,make her feel good and all that. I guese if you have alot of friends/people who get pleasure by you being alive and want to be next to you their is a chance the pleasure you give to them outweigjs the harm causes to animals/ factory workers right? Thats my line of thinking Anyway Goodbye and all the best to myself. I hope i never do so much harm that ill have to show this to someone. But who can gurantee anything right? Look up charles whitman.he was a decent man who due to a brain tumor which he wasnt responsible for became a murderer. The same thing might happen to me right? I hope it doesnt. My chosen path is clear now and i have to go and follow it --may all beings be well and happy ????????????????????????????????❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤??????????????? And agains,please please please remeber that i tried to walk the loving path. Remember to ask family, coworkers ,people from school thanks. You dont need to take my word for it

Police etc or to anyone reading this.this message is incase i harm someone by postponing. My only reason for postponing is family. At the time of writing this message i do not have an inclination to harm anyone but im in quite alot of discomfort. I havent hung out with friends or anyone except my mother and grandmother in over 2 years. Im not joking. And i dont know if ill ever get affection from anyone ever.im not trying to illicit selfpity here.this is a genuine fear i have. Ever since i can remember i always wanted a gf. But im slowly having to come to terms with the fact that i might not be able to experience the affection i wanted.and its quite uncomfortable.i know that wanting a gf is purely a selfish thing (ie-to get my emotional and physical wants met). I dont claim that wanting a gf is some nobel deed. I know its superficial and just a animalistic desire.however i still think it speaks about my natural nature.ie-friendship and affection is what i want the most. (Cars,money etc dont even come close. They arent even in the same realm) The reason why i postpone is because when i look up reddit, jordan peterson anna akana etc about not postponing they always say it will cause suffering to the family. Since my family has never abused me ive decided to postpone. And also if i dont postpone it might lead to mental health issues, substance abuse etc in my family causing them to then go and harm.this is not necessarily because they have affection for me,it might be because of backlash from society etc. Ie-my uncle recently passed away in something resembling a suicide ( we arent sure ,but it might have been as he was not mentally stable at the time due to chemical imbalances in the brain). So 2 suicides might look suspicious, causing backlash , causing my family to become unproductive menbers of society But a problem that jordan p,eterson has made me aware of is that when one spends so much time alone they tend to " brood and drift" . Causing them to become bitter and angry at the world. I might be bitter and maybe even alittle angry st the people who didnt treat me the way i wanted to (kd etc). I dont have the intention to hurt innocent people. However im afraid that like so many others who have spent time alone i might develop this intention at some point. If i do end up hurting someone i just want to apologize here. Hopefully i rememeber to show you this at the time. Im currently regulating my behaviour/actions through brute force and not really acting on feelings. If i remember to show you this in the future, i hope you understnad the events that took place beforehand leading upto what happened. I wish you had met me now. When i had made a promise to be loving. We might have been friends and you might have been able to stop me from doing what ever i was going to do. If you doubt whether i tried to be loving please ask my parents/ siblings or bosses/ teachers how i acted after leaving school. I gurantee you theyll tell you that i never got angry(even if someone insulted me), was the first to greet everyone with a smile, wished everyone on their birthdays, was polite, and always told the truth. The problem is i currently dont know if i have decided to try to be loving because of empathy or if im using brute force to go against my selfish nature because i know its right. Ive been so alone for so long i cant really tell. Please also take into account that ive never had a intimate relationship, even held hands or even spoken with someone of the opposite sex for the matter. Please think about that for a second. Someone whos main desire in life was to have an intimate relationship has never even SPOKEN to someone of the opposite sex. How many people do you know like that? I just want you to know that i really tried to be loving (ask my parents/siblings/bosses/co workers) if you disagree. The only things that i can see causing me to harm someone are prolonged loneliness (its already been 2 years) or others treating me in a way that resembles TOBY AND MICHAELS RELATIONSHIP from the office. If you see this i hope you can now get some idea to what led me to causing you harm. Im extremely sorry. If you had met me now i promise you would have thought i was warm and loving. But prolonged loneliness and thd MICHAEL TOBIES FROM THE OFFICR has led me to become something else it seems. Im very very sorry about what ever ive done. Please look into my childhood/life and i think you will not find it enviable and will understand what caused me to become what i have. Im so afraid of hurting you that im not even going to consider other possibile tracks anymore. I know theres no excuse for hurting someone but i hope this will atleast dampen whatever pain ive caused because youll be able to see that this is not the normal human perogative but a once loving mind or atleast a mind that tried to be lovinv but was twisted by loneliness , michael tobiness. And i hope my actions dont make you lose hope in humanity Again im deeply sorry for whatevet ive done. Please ask my parents,siblings etc for proof i was once loving. Ive even comeup with a way of acting happy so that i dont concern them or make them look bad in public. Im sorry this had to happen to you

Yeah great video from Leo . Though technically what I'm pointing out in this post is that we can't be certain of the ontological standards of our experience (dream ,awake ,simulation, brain in a vat etc). We can only be certain that we are conscious right now. and conscioconsciousness is the only real certain thing. I mean your first person subjective experience of the world . Right now..you reading my answer on a forum to the question , “How is it possible to be certain that I am not dreaming right now?”, you are a mortal human; as such, you are experiencing the Dream of Mortal Life. You can ascertain right now that your mortal life is merely a dream by committing suicide. Unfortunately, even if you kill yourself, you will awaken in a second dream . You will at that point again believe that you really are a human; but that will also be a dream. You would then need to kill your human self to be awakened from your human state. At that point, you would know that you are an eternal human, who was having the Dream of Mortal Life.

Sorry I'm brain-drained and just gonna share something that helped me... HealthyGamerGG on YouTube has a video about suicide... Understanding how it is a feeling of worthlessness and like it's impossible to get your life together, and you are just a burden to others , and that seems to me to be basically what suicidal tendency is. Idk why, but I get suicidal ideation, but I feel incongruent to really believe I would... There are times when I wasn't sure, but mostly I'm like I know I am thinking about killing myself... But I couldn't imagine the sad part of being like "goodbye cruel world" and taking my life ... Idk... I think it's something with Narcissism or anger issues towards people... But if I'm gonna kill myself, I ain't going down quietly... Like if you are gonna really do it, at least know I love everybody as human family and your suffering brings me pain as well and I wish I was better to help... But speaking brother to brother here, at least take a dirty politician with you. I mean if you take Tucker Carlson with you, I'll make sure your name lives on as a glorious hero. Just sayin... Leo has a video "it's all a mind-game" and suicidal thinking is just a mind-game... Everybody gets suicidal ideation, like driving their car off the road, it's the planning you gotta watch out for. And biggest thing, YOU CAN NOT ASK TOO MUCH FOR HELP. Not everybody will help you, but the right people will, and people don't know you need help if you don't ask. It's not a burden to ask for help, they can just say No... People WANT to help, they get dopamine highs off helping... The depression will make you not want to talk to people... You are a good guy that was dealt a bad hand dude... Suicide rates are rising due to life conditions growing harder. It's all just feelings and thoughts, and these things are like weather... Don't change your life because of some thunderstorms... There will be beautiful days ahead of you, just keep your head up bro

Sounds like a decent way to respect and honor yourself. To offer the self up for sacrifice so that another self can move in is metaphysical suicide. “I’m clearly not good enough so I guess I’ll die and let another perspective overwrite mine.” Sounds so wholesome, right? Jk. Your “ego” never dies. Your “ego” is just a term pointing at some aspects of your character. Just be you and grow, evolve, become. That’s what is really happening here anyways. Accept it. Leave death and metaphysical brutality for later.

I started having these thoughts of jumping from a high floor, I was at a hotel last year when it happened, I stared down, And my mind started making up a story of how nice it would be to just jump and end all this suffering that's been going on for a while. It seemed like the perfect solution as to my life, since my life is just a dream why should I care that much if everything's so illusionary with their illusionary consequence. So i attempted, but i freaked out went on bed (not sure if i was consciously stopping it or my subconscious mind freaked out about it ) and there it was mind won't stop racing thoughts about that incident, all night and morning, that it wouldn't stop until like 2 weeks have passed I've been having these episodes of it coming and going, Felt like it was getting stronger at times when i follow those thoughts. They'd like for days or weeks, My mind is calmer now but i easily fall under the trap of i should go for it since life feels so meaningless and i dislike a lot about it and i just can't seem to get it the way i want life to run for me. It feels like someday maybe i could really lose control and go over it, since it felt automatic at the time back then. I can kinda of understand how suicidal people are since i've never been in that state of mind before. I used to be able to say yeah i want to die and suicide since i was 13-14 but that thought would go away within a few seconds to a minute and won't really come up again until months or years passing by and i'd let go not thinking too much about it over the years, But this seems like another weird infiltrated virus that just won't stop leaving me alone pushing me to do it every time, even though i'm trying not to entertain it, it seems very believable as a good idea out of suffering. Even though i keep telling myself over and over it's not as bad as i exaggerate it to be, i still have a lot left, but it's hard to feel the past's well being due to my chronic anxiety. (there's like a pain/uneasiness worry that never goes away keeps cycling between my chest/heart/throat, i just loathe it that part the most with my health issues. (tinnitus/hyperacis/back/leg injury/kidney issues, not sure how to explain it but i have several 5meo side effects, my mind and body just doesn't feel the same feels weird/off and i can't be my past self as i used to be, i have a lot of memory issues which is making it hard for me to cope/learn from my experiences or speak in a proper manner without much brain fog) I really crave early financial freedom since i was so close to get it but i gambled it all away in crypto thinking i could reach UHNWI and i'm manipulating people/ market to make it work eventually. But that was just dumb i keep bringing up the past over and over from a lot of petty stuff with lots of overthinking. As for love i just realized egoic human love is always conditional over unconditional so i thought there could be some unbreakable unshakable bond with someone here for me, but apparently that doesn't exist either salty about wasting all my life for her only to get cheated on multiple times through out the years as i tried to forgive and let go just for it to keep repeating with no remorse. I can't grow feelings to anyone anymore after that experience, I just dislike people in general. Advice? Thank you for caring

@puporing I've never tried to argue it wasn't just an ego death. In fact, I am going through a process of understanding, contemplating and recontextualizing and allow multiple interpretations. People generally don't. I didn't assume you were trying to commit suicide. I have taken it to experience a total ego death. Which, can feel like I am dying. I know you are upset with me given your interpretations of my post. But, I don't like being called a weirdo of people assuming I am coming here with a bad intention. I am someone who has done many trips, and I think I would like to be spoken to in a respectful way. I consider myself relatively loving and have peoples best interests at heart... Glad you are okay. I've seen people have really bad reactions to these substances. People can totally lose function, not know where they are, have trouble breathing, spit everywhere, puke.... ego death can be totally disorienting and cause panic, heart rate, puking, etc... I don't know what aspect is the chemical and what aspect is ego death. It's hard because we all have different genetics. I can see someone dying potentially if they are not careful. 5Meodmt is dangerous. Sometimes I need time to expand my thoughts and reference experiences. I think you know your own direct experience. --- Will not respond. I actually really like Puporing and feel sad she is speaking to me like this... Best. Consider reading what I wrote when you are less triggered and times gives you a chance to recontextualize. I believe you.