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because your True Self is not just masculine or just feminine it will feel suffocated for being completely locked into one polarity, it will eventually find a way to realize this, trans is just a lesser version of this realization - an incomplete one. what will be realized ultimately is you contain both polarities. but that is not yet acceptable to planet earth, maybe in another 500 years we will finally have complete, awakened beings walking here and making themselves known. but idk what need is there at that point to be fixed in a particular body part, you prob would not desire to be in a fixed form at that level of consciousness and to be on planet earth (as it exists now). so.. I'm kinda speaking hypotheticals just to shine some light on this. though I am speaking from my own conscious experience. obviously this is irrelevant to you if your desire is to mainly focus on one polarity in this lifetime.

Alright… today was pretty productive. I got the studio organized for my pops… He definitely is not going to work with the water company… lol… I guess he was talking with them two years ago. The ten year thing was the first leak and he got it fixed, but it started leaking again and he turned the main off and the water company was upset with him for doing that. They wanted him to leave it and they would turn it off. Because my dad turned it off they charged him a penalty so… he’s not ready to work with them still. I told him it be a whole lot easier to having running water… lol… but he’s making that call. Got a good start on the kitchen too. I feel like I don’t have a chance to share ceremony with my pops right now, so I can help him purge in other ways to set him up for success or at least comfort… at least an easier opportunity for him. I think he sees the benefits of having space and having things organized. It won’t take too long to get things setup nicely for him. I’m so appreciative of who he’s been for me and how he’s taught me… we’ve got a lot more experiences yet and I’m excited. I’m so grateful to have him as my pops. So yesterday I was messaging the guy who might be sharing ceremony with me. We were thanking each other for the great conversation. While I was at it I asked permission to discuss what we talked about and he said I’m more than welcome to. He was curious at which parts and I listed some but I told him about my Journal… sometimes I just like to just go with it so I might talk about more then what I listed… and he was fine with it. So again… it’s nice to process conversations and situations. We attracted each other to have a conversation so we’re helping each other learn something. So he likes to ask questions and get my opinion on it. He said he was talking to some guys who have similar situations during trips and wanted my thoughts about it. He said they’ve all shared having a feminine entity who comes into their experience and they seem to be the calming and nurturing mother type. With his particular experience he was nervous and this female comes out of a yellow grid pattern and was telling him to relax… there’s nothing to worry about. He said he calmed down but seemed to be lying down and he could see her next to him but then he saw three alien-like figures approach and he said they were upgrading his mind. He said he wasn’t anxious because he trusted her which led to trusting the three figures. He wanted to know if I had alien experiences similar to that. I said I have not directly encountered an alien before, but this universe is full of possibilities so I’m open to it. I know others that have experienced them and I also have a lot of males who mention a feminine figure in ceremonies. I asked him a question… where are you right now… do you think you are able to calm and upgrade yourself? Or are you at a point that looks for someone else to do this for you? He admitted that he looks for someone else. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but most of my ceremonies I feel like it’s myself who is helping me. But I do seem to give acknowledgement to infinite intelligence but that’s not necessarily a figure. So yeah most people assume shamans has spirits that appear to them. I do not have this happen to me. But what I was asking him… I wonder if he or other males don’t see themselves having a nurturing or motherly qualities in themselves. It may be easier to visualize a feminine who fulfills this for them instead of seeing themselves in this role. But he’s a father of three children with his youngest at age 16. He’s’ told me a few stories and I know he has these qualities but maybe because of how we were raised it’s hard to embrace having feminine qualities since he’s male. I obviously don’t know, but I wanted to give him a different perspective. I didn’t mention this in our conversation, but I remember in my second Aya ceremony… in ceremony I thought I was being possessed by either Gaia, Mother Earth or Madre Aya. At that moment I couldn’t imagine that I had the powerful qualities that I was experiencing. Again I was hearing the shamans and I was able to feel how and where to send my energies… a few times I even had an idea of what the guests were working on. There was one female and one male at different times was having issues with their physical appearance. I remember sending my support to them… lol… I was telling them they are so beautiful… inside and out.. but it doesn’t matter what we say… they’ve got to find that for themselves. But I was singing Icaros for the first time… I just was experiencing things that I never had before… so I assumed that I might be possessed. But after several ceremonies… I continue to have these qualities… I understood that I just was getting glimpses of talents or gifts that I didn’t know existed but they were awakened to me in ceremony and I was able to recontextualize that I wasn’t possessed… that was me. That’s my authentic self… I want to help, support, and send my love and energy to help assist in any way to support guests and whatever they are going through. It’s similar… I didn’t have a figure of a woman showing me.. it was me doing it and that’s why I assumed possession… lol. I guess I still feel comfortable saying infinite intelligence as it’s something other than me… but I still know I’m a part of this intelligence… so I’m not sure our relationship at this moment. But I also feel like infinite intelligence is very personal to me in ceremony so I also see it as my higher self. When I’m in ceremony… it’s as if it’s me helping myself and it’s just working at higher degrees than my current state. I mentioned the dream where I thought maybe I met my first spirit guide, but again the qualities and features I noticed… again my result was that was still myself. I’m not sure why we receive our own messages in different ways. I said maybe when it comes to his aliens helping him upgrade… again he might not have considered how extremely intelligent and unusual and beyond human he is and what he’s capable of doing… that it’s easier to give credit to something he assumes has those qualities such as aliens…. I don’t know but it is interesting. I know as I’m engaging in this Forum I’ve noticed that my communication wants to change to me inclusive instead of exclusive. I realized when I was giving advise… that I was giving myself the same advise but in a deeper level. Right we don’t actually ultimately know something… it continues to deepen in that knowing. So if there are aliens… I want to be able to have us be at a point where we’re inclusive. If they exist.. than they’ve already been in our universal existence. They already have been involved with how we have already been living… even though they might now be seen all the time. Right all the fish deep in the seas are still in our existence and is helping create this reality even though we don’t see them regularly. Same as bacteria and microorganisms. We are already part of this existence. Lol… hell I’ve had guests tell me that I’m an alien… so I might find out that I’m already an alien.. and the things I’ve been learning could be called alien-like… so who knows… but it’s very interesting. He also asked me a question about my thoughts on star children, start people or indigos. I told him I’ve heard of these labels, but what is his understanding. He usually laughs a bit because I have him clarify or define the words he uses… he says it looks like you know what I’m saying but you want to hear more before you answer. I will continue to tell him… my definition can vary from yours… so I want to make sure we’re talking about the same thing or something similar at least. He was struggling a little on how to describe it, but what he got to was that there are people who aren’t from Earth that is helping people awaken. He also mentioned that many start people usually has some type of educational deficiency when they were younger… maybe to put them on a hard road to overcome to be able to help others. He said that school couldn’t keep his attention, but when he moved to another school and he didn’t know anyone… he was making straight A’s… but when he started socializing it went back to not having any attention for school. Again I told him I don’t really have much direct experience with this. I have met people who say they are star people and I’m respectful to their identities. I mentioned I have had one vision… well honestly there’s been more then one… maybe a handful of times where I’ve seen figures that seemed to be shaped as human but their skin is full of galaxies and stars. I chuckled because the last time I had a vision of a star person they noticed that I saw them and then hid from me… lol… For a few days I was getting images of faces from people from different races, genders, ages… and I didn’t know what it meant. This would be the moments where I’m lying down to sleep and as I’m looking at the back of my eyelids… sometimes I get images or visions… sometimes its words or sometimes like a download as a sentence or two… plus it’s when I take the time to notice as well. One of the images there was an older lady with a short bob and straight silver hair… she had an unusual arm movement that I could remember that action. After thinking about it.. it seemed like she was pointing to me as if she recognized me… and I was thinking maybe there’s some action that I do that gets her to recognize me.. which makes her do this action and point to me. When I saw this star person I saw the figure walking in a row of a field like soybean or something… some low cut plants, but I saw a barn in the background. It seems like I was just hovering and observing them and then they looked up at me and noticed me looking…. And all of a sudden it drops to the ground and hides in the plants… lol… I got a download to find the teachers, even if they’re hiding… lol.. I also had an earlier download that said they maybe family, but that doesn’t mean you’ll agree… lol… This does not happen to me often… this was the first time when I was in isolation and I was trying to remember my dreams… I would literally hold a pencil in my hand on top of a notebook and when I’d get something I’d try to write it down…the next morning I’d have to go back and try to rewrite so it’s legible. I don’t know if this is going to lead to anything… but I did get the feeling that there are Awakened ones out there too… and it seemed like I was getting images of them.. and I might go and look for them so I can learn from them… and maybe see if they’d like to collaborate. I’m not sure but again… I find it interesting. I didn’t tell this guy all these details but I told him of seeing this star person… so again… I’m open to have it be true for me in my reality. But I also mentioned that I’m Awake and I didn’t have any troubles in school… lol.. I loved school so I said that we all have talents and gifts to share regardless of our backgrounds. That also makes me want to comment on the whole Dali Lama thing going on… he has so much to share and teach but maybe he’s not the one to go to… to learn about sexuality… lol…. He doesn’t have much direct experience with different degrees of dealing with sex. Just because he doesn’t know much about sexuality shouldn’t defame him and all he’s been able to create in our world. I feel that’s why I’m so curious to meet more people who are Awake, but honestly they don’t even have to be Awake… but I love to learn… and I know there is so much I don’t know… I want to meet people who have been interested in other areas I haven’t been introduced to. What would it be like for everyone to nurture their gifts, talents, and interests to their full potential individually.. but when they engage with someone else with different qualities.. I feel it will elevate because of the differences or another perspective… lol So I was telling him I needed time to process and integrate… I mentioned I was doing this Journal. I was telling him that I had a fear that I didn’t know was there when it came to sharing ceremony. I went through these sexual experiences this last time that really made me uncomfortable to head right back into ceremony, because I didn’t want similar situations to come up and for me to respond the way I did. I know if I can work it out and integrate… I’ll be able to respond in a manner that’s respectful for my guests and also myself. So I went into the whole ceremonies and also the struggle of masturbation… so I want to be autosexual at this time. He was chuckling at me because he said he would have never assumed that I would have any issues with that. I told him… how can you tell whether someone has those types of issues? I’m confident and I enjoy sexual banter and flirting… but that doesn’t stop my mind from creating a mental block to masturbate and orgasm naturally and freely. I told him… I’m not a man, but I can assume that he has never had issues of masturbating and ejaculating. In my mind I’d think once a young boy notices that stroking his penis is pleasurable… that they just continue to play until they ejaculate… and then that’s it… they’re on it and it’s easy. Now with so many individuals that occupy this world I cannot say its easy for every male, but in general it may be fair to say that it’s fairly easy. He said yes… he’s never had problems in these areas. That’s when he mentioned the 45 year woman who was admitting something similar to the issues I am having. I said I can’t speak for all women, but I know I’ve spoken to other women who have had issues too… so for us who have issues… it’s not easy to touch ourselves and result in orgasm. In fact it was uncomfortable to find touching myself as something natural. For me it was secretive and rushed as if I shouldn’t be doing it. Also I wanted it to be natural for me… so I placing a mask over myself. While we were talking I also thought there might be something that seems obvious to me, but maybe not obvious for men is the fact… they are the penetrators. I said again I’m assuming and I’m not speaking from everyone’s opinion… but do men ever ask how it feels to be able to trust and surrender for someone to enter them? Many men I know wants control… so I’d assume to trust and surrender would be a challenge for them. Well that’s what I have to do to allow someone to have sex with me. We were both laughing because… it’s not like I trust every male I just meet and I say ok… I’m ready to be penetrated now. I was casual with sex but not for that long, because I needed a relationship to be built to make it comfortable enough to share sex. I would even get curious of how penetration would feel like… again it’s not like it’s normal to penetrate myself but I would sometimes use my fingers to rub and circle their anus. I wasn’t just going for it, but I want to observe if they feel comfortable with me just touching. Sometimes I would mention if they would like me to try it and they said they prefer me not to. Maybe if they allowed me they would get a sense of how it feels to be penetrated…lol… it may be pleasurable… at least let’s give it a try… lol. I have penetrated myself and it’s pleasurable… some of my partners are really experienced and good… and I haven’t figured out what the difference is but the fact it’s someone else is involved with me. He was telling me he was trying to approach his partners differently and that’s when he ran into being in the friend zone for the first time. We didn’t discuss it but if he’s being open and honest with his potential partners then he’s having a conversation that he doesn’t want to only have sex with the women. That’s the thing wherever we are at… we can find someone who’s at that same mindset if we’re open and honest about it. So he wasn’t trying to have only sex with her… she has to tell him where she’s at as well… at least she has a chance to agree to this or not. If she’s not looking for sex only too… then I can assume she wants to build a relationship. I’m not sure exactly what happened between them, but it seemed like they had great conversations but he felt like she didn’t want to have a sexual side to their relationship… so he said he had to let her know it wasn’t working for him. I laugh because… I’ve already friend-zoned him too. Everyone starts at the friend-zone now… lol… I told him I’m literally trying to popularize the friend zone… if I’m going to engage in a sexual relationship… I want to know who the hell I’m dealing with… lol… and I want them to know who they’re dealing with too. We’ve got to build a relationship because if it’s not based on sex then we have to know how to talk and engage in activities that we both find interesting… lol.. I told him about my style of Journaling… it can seem like it’s all over the place and can be assumed as chaotic… but eventually I assume people can glimpse the clarity of who I am through this style. But if they read my Journal… they have to go through that experience. I’m not a direct communicator in my Journal… so they have to work a little bit to get to understand me. That’s what happens in an intimate relationship with me too. If he doesn’t want to take time to get to know me… then it’s not going to be a fit. I asked if there was anything about her that he didn’t like or found unappealing to him. He laughed because it was just the fact he wasn’t having much sex with her. Well you say you want to have different types of relationships but you’re expecting this relationship as the same as your past. If it’s new… the results and the approach will have to change… lol… he said yes but he didn’t know it was going to be that much difference… lol… well… you know where you are and what you’re looking for. You can continue to approach this new desire for a new type of relationship… then you’re going to have to open yourself up to a new ways of connecting. He said he’s sick of having sex and just staring at the ceiling afterwards… lol… many of the women doesn’t have conversations he enjoys… or they didn’t establish a relationship to a point where they were uncertain what to do when they were finished having sex with each other. I can use this advise that I gave him about having a new approach…. I’ve already been questioning my habits of thought when I go to masturbate… I’m trying a new approach but I don’t know if I know new techniques to try… hmmm…. I’ll have to see. Shit are there pornography on how to masturbate… lol… maybe that’s an option.. lol.. i don’t know, but I’m curious. I don’t think I’m at that point yet, but I could probably get there if I need to… lol… but I know it’s my mind… it was my conditioned mind that was stopping me… that’s where I have to put the focus on how to relax it enough… I know I will get there. In many ways I’m trying to get the masculine and feminine to attract each other. Again I’m a hopeful romantic and so I continue in different ways to close this distance that seems to been created in our society. In my experience I’ve been trying to embrace both my femininity and masculinity… understand the balance that fits me. I can generally speak about the women around my age is learning to embrace their masculinity too. Some may even take it to extremes because it’s common for the pendulum to swing too far when they are making adjustments… but I see more of the youth more comfortable with expressing both their masculinity and femininity… which I feel is a good thing. It’s when people put their judgements on what they think they should be doing and how they should be doing it does it create toxicity. I know many people who complain about the youth, but the youth that I speak with… I’m hopeful… lol… not that they don’t have a lot to learn, but they’ve got great intelligence and I can find deeper conversations with the youth then I can with some of the elderly or my age. Existence is continually increasing consciousness… and I can see it in my experiences. But it’s not they’re turn to be in leadership roles right now… So if they are patient they won’t have to defend or question themselves as much. I’d love for them to gain enough consciousness to trust their individuality… if that causes people to get triggered… good… there is something that needs to be addressed and worked through… lol… I’ve tried to stop triggering people but I guess that’s just how it works right now… I’m not trying to trigger anyone, but if it happens… there’s a lesson to be learned by the person who is being triggered. I used to try to appease people’s feelings, but if that leads me to be untrue to my authenticity… then I’m going to be me and whatever happens happens. I know I’ll continue to be a better communicator to even warn them that my response may trigger you or rub you the wrong way… but that’s not my intention. My intention is to be true to me and respect you… and if it happens to differ then we can continue the conversation without shutting down or creating walls. Lol… I’m not sure who I hear this from, but I believe it’s one of the tarot readers say… rejection is your protection…lol… if there is a wall that goes up… then that’s a good time to go in a new direction. Doesn’t mean it’s always going to be that way, but for now that is the case…lol So I’m supposed to be meeting with the other gentleman who wants to share ceremony with me. I’m hoping his wife will be there too. She was there when we met in person the first time. He and I have been texting since briefly but I thought it beneficial to have them both involved. I’ve been checking up on them on social media and it looks like he’s doing really well. I’m excited and curious how our conversation will go. I’m sure I’ll be talking about this Journal… lol.. so I’ll remember to ask permission to discuss our conversation before I head out. But yeah this seems like a good stopping point.

Ok… well today I continued my napping… lol… even my dad asked me if I feel alright.. i said yes but I just feel tired… so I slept…lol… now that I’ve gotten rid of many things I’m back to organizing them… lol… I’d like to get the studio organized for my dad… I’d like for him to know where I’m storing things so he doesn’t have to ask… he can just grab and go. He’s already thinking about changing up his bedroom again. He still wants to be able to have. A hot tub and sleep in the space and he’s lifting everything up. I think he’s going to do a loft style bed instead of having to lift up the flooring and removing his bed. He said he wants to use my space as a changing room/ closet so that’s nice to know. I can start hopefully clearing out his clothes in the closet that he never uses. They’ve been sitting in there unused for I don’t know how many years… I’ve mentioned to him maybe we can go through it… but of course it’s not the most fun thing to do, but I think I can work it out with him. We’ve had some rainy days the last few days which is hopeful. I’d like to clean and organize the kitchen soon. He’s been trying to hook the water through the water heater and run new lines to the bathroom to get that a little more easy to use. I’m going to see if he’s ready to talk to the water company. There’s been this leak going on for over 10 years now and they’ve shut off the main valve. I think he’s going to worry about digging up his back yard because of his trees… but I figure it he can do it now before he adds more would be best…. But I’ll see what he’s thinking. I’d rather have it as easy as it can be for him. But he can be set in his ways… so we’ll see I’ve been thinking a little more about attending church with my grandma. lol… I don’t mind attending church with people but it’s been awhile since I’ve actually been able to hear service and it’s been interesting listen to them. First of all I did like them having several ministers speaking and they all have their own interpretation on the subjects they are focusing on. Even if they had slightly different views it’s nice to have the variety and also nice to know that the congregation should infer if their leaders have various views then they can as well. The last time there was a younger man who led the service and I hadn’t heard him speak before. I’ve seen him play the piano and I really enjoy his family… his wife, his daughter, and his son. I actually talked to the daughter most. How people treat her sometimes… she likes to talk with people and of course everyone is trying to hush her up or at least make sure she knows she’s supposed to be quiet during service. As far as I can see she is extremely bright. I think it’s obvious to her that she’s going to be respectful during service but before and after she likes to socialize. The last time we spoke we found out we are both learning Spanish and so we were practicing together. I feel she knows more than I do… and again it’s less stressful learning with children. Lol.. my grandma hushes me too every time we enter the building. It’s funny to me… because I’m just literally talking normal and I’m just having conversation with her as we are nearing the front door. I open that door and finishing a sentence and there comes the hushing. It doesn’t enter into the church… there’s a hallway… and even a vestibule/ sitting area to enter before the chapel. It’s just funny, but anyway… the topic he was talking about was doubt. It was a continuation I guess from their service for Easter last week. He leads the youth and he likes to teach in threes so it’s easy to remember and it was… lol… he wanted to focus on that we all have doubt, we all need faith, and we need to have a system when we find ourselves in doubt. Instead of going over his beliefs I want to see what I had gained from being involved with listening to his words. We all have doubt: yes I’ve had doubt, but I also feel that this doubt doesn’t always have to be present. I feel like most of my work is to overcome my fears and doubts and I’ve been making great strides to understand this. I recall different spiritual leaders I have observed and there is something I run into at times. There was a women group in Peru that I attended their group and it was lovely and granted I didn’t understand it fully but I had friends helping me translate and a lot could be interpreted closely. It types to what I wanted to discuss with this gentleman too. They want people to accept they have doubt, fear, sadness, anger, and a feeling of loss. I feel like they want people to understand that these feelings are common for the human collective… they don’t encourage someone to feel alone when they feel these things. The women were tying it together by purging these feelings that might be stagnant in them. They set up a little alter with natural elements to use as a symbol to clear or cleanse these fears, sadness, anger, or feeling of loss. Many women were emotionally purging and expressing which was beautiful. I was waiting to see what their next step was, but there wasn’t any… I ended up going to two of the leaders of the women’s group and I asked them if they anticipate a time in their lives that they won’t have to experience fear, sadness, anger, or loss? They said it was impossible. I asked maybe they haven’t experienced it yet, but does their spirituality give inspiration to eventually be able to live a life without those feelings? They said no. During this event I was observing but I didn’t feel like participating in the purging process because at that time I didn’t feel like purging anything. It was my first and only time sharing this space with these women… and so I did feel bad for not participating. But at that moment I didn’t know of anything to purge and so I was respectful to them but I didn’t want to create something to be sad about, or create something to be mad about , or create something to be fearful or, or create something to feel loss for when I didn’t feel like that in that moment… I guess I wasn’t ready to process things I went through during some of my ceremonies at that time, but honestly none of those feelings came up. I was more into observing and also curious to what their leaders were wanting to teach. When it came to this minister he had made a comment that if you are someone who doesn’t think you have doubt then that’s more of a concern then admitting you have doubt. And yes I can agree to this to some degree. But there can be a different state that might seem like they are behaving in the same manner, but there reasoning may be different. Right if someone is not aware they are experiencing doubt and they are just trying to pressure themselves to ignore the doubt they might feel could be one way… They may experience doubt but deny it to themselves and others because they don’t want to admit this happens to them. I’ve been there. I’ve also been in the place where I know I have doubts and instead of expressing them… I would hold them in a let them fester inside without really knowing what I should do with these doubts. I also have found that festering inside was not helping me but learning how to purge and process these doubts as more beneficial. The purging is releasing what could be said as the toxicity is was creating sitting inside. But the processing is just as important then the purging. Again this is what I try to explain in ceremony with my guests. I tell them this is a purging ceremony… we’re going to work together and try to release and purge whatever we can and as much as we can. It will be as if we start you back as a clean slate. But what we choose to do from this point forward will determine what comes back in and how quickly. So that’s where the processing or integration comes into play. This is where the real work begins. I speak with them and I mention a few areas in their life they admitted needs work and desires to be changed. I’ll let them know… so these specific areas you will have to figure out a way to approach differently then what you remember, because what you remember will keep you playing out the same story over and over again. If you keep doing this then we’ll just fill ourselves back up with the toxicity that we just got rid of. But I told them… they can find their own ways to clear this out of their systems. I’ve learned how to clear my system out. I don’t remember all the time to do this and so ceremony has to remind me… hey there… you’ve been paying too much attention to others you aren’t noticing your own energy is being diluted with toxicity that doesn’t need to be there…. So we’re going to have you focus on yourself right now. I’m usually very grateful because I realize I have blind spots and it’s a new process for me so I’ll forget, but to have gentle reminders is good and I’m grateful. Let’s continue… but can I intuit that I’m working my way to not experience doubt anymore. Honestly yes… I’m already experiencing that my judgements on myself, others, and existence was out of a place of being like unconscious. I’m realizing that I was conditioned to judge myself, others, and existence by a like unconscious society. But I’m already understanding that I don’t want to judge myself anymore and I can see that this will be the state I’m going to live. The more I live in this state the more I will not want to judge others or existence. Existence is something I cannot explain… it’s ultimate consciousness which knows the overall goal of elevating universal consciousness but it can weave miracles in and around the universe to create this and depending on our level of consciousness we’ll judge it or be in awe of it. I’m in awe of existence. I’m learning to trust existence completely and learning to trust myself completely that I truly can intuit and work towards a state of no doubt. I see this state as different then the first state of no doubt… the first state of no doubt was actually a mask pretending that doubt did not exist. If someone isn’t working themselves to the latter state of no doubt, then people who are working on this state… they will assume it’s impossible or not understand us who want to obtain this state for ourselves. This is a good way to lead into the next topic he wanted to address was we all need faith. He had a good reasoning behind his statements… he said that we live on faith all the time. We have faith that the sun is going to come up and go down. Lol… he spoke about his trusty coffee maker he has faith in to work for him every morning. But he said he knows many skeptics who literally live in fear that the sun will not rise again. And they can be at this state because they don’t have faith. He also mentioned how one morning his trusty coffee maker died one morning but instead of losing his faith, he went and purchased almost the exact same model to replace it. He continued to recall tidbits of the resurrection of Jesus which was being discussed because of Easter. He said that hearing about these events he could understand people can have doubts that Jesus died and was able to resurrect himself three days later. He said he’s never seen anyone else do this so it can cause him to have doubt that this could or did happen. He said he lives his life with faith and using his belief systems trusts that this event did happen. Using his system he creates to help him in moments of doubt. I’ll get back to this in a little bit, but right now I’d like to explore the word faith and direct experience. Maybe I feel like there needs to be a distinction made. Obviously if we are students of Leo… he’s been able to communicate in a much larger capacity to this then I am and how much I want to go into it now. But I didn’t really see his examples of faith as the best examples except this concept that Jesus died and resurrected. That to me was his faith statement. The sun rising is more of a direct experience that has been consistent enough to not unstable him from worrying that the sun will not rise the next day. Again the coffee maker was also a direct experience which was consistent enough for him to rely on it to work until it didn’t, but he gained enough direct experience to not have this unstable his by going and purchasing a replacement. Now what happens when the sun doesn’t return the next day? Would we have enough direct experience to be able to stable ourselves to continue? It’s hard to assume how I would respond, but again I am gaining so much trust in myself and existence that if that was to happen… I feel like I’m working my way to accept this event and continue to live without doubt because there’s reasons why existence has created this for me to experience. I guess this goes back to just my studies of world religions and oversimplifying it greatly but to keep it brief and direct to what I’m trying to convey here is… there are individuals who have Awakened or became Enlightened to the fact that death does not exist. Existence exists regardless if perceived as a physical or a nonphysical manner. When we’ve had direct experience of this… if existence decides it’s time to remove the sun from the picture… this doesn’t mean death. Death is not what we think it is until we have a direct experience of death as a continuation of existence in a different form. So technically it may cause death to this shared perceived physical world but it’s not the end of it all. There is no end… existence will continue to exist. We intuit these spiritual leaders have gone through direct experiences that have led them to live lives that seem god-like because it’s so different from what we experience on the day to day with other people maybe. I’ve spoken to people… family members even, who look at Jesus as god-like and completely give up their chance to live like Jesus… he’s too grand and special… they are not worthy of obtaining these qualities for themselves. I’m not a Christian but I tell them… I want to live like Jesus… I want to have direct experiences of being like Jesus, but in my own way. Not only are they comfortable with me not being Christian, but the nerve to think I am worthy to be on equal grounds as Jesus is just insane. They pray for me. I’ve spoken to people who are inspired by the Buddha… I like their approach as well, because with Buddha they seem his as a human… they want to follow his teachings because with his techniques they know they will be on equal grounds of the Buddha. I know some realize this but maybe some do not… Jesus and the Buddha did not have teachers correct? Well they might have had teachers but they didn’t follow blindly… they really created something unique to their way of learning and gaining understanding of higher spiritual teachings. They didn’t have books telling them what to do. How is this possible? How could they possibly obtain higher wisdom without others telling them what to do and how to think? How could they create certainty in themselves they were doing the right thing to lead them the right way to get to where people can only imagine to obtain? And because we imagine we really don’t know unless…. We found our own way to understand. And that’s what i have to say from here… I don’t know how they did it. But I know I found a way for myself. Everything becomes my teachers… I realized existence is my teacher… which includes everything… which includes myself. I was able to gain an understanding where what I experience I can listen to myself to help guide me at the state and time of my understanding. For me I had to go through a series of experiences to learn what I could and then continue to learn more. I don’t need faith to guide me any longer because I’ve had a direct experience that existence is infinite. As infinity I had a choice to continue experiencing in this physical manner or not. I chose to continue and I enjoy experiencing… what else can I do with my time… lol… if I only exist… I have time to direct my focus here. Faith is not the only way to live… there are larger existential questions that can be directly experienced so faith transforms to knowing or being. Actually I’m definitely ok in saying I don’t know… Again I am choosing to learn not to know. When I experienced infinity excites me because I love to learn and I know i won’t stop in my learning… that’s amazing for me and very satisfying. And instead of what I once thought I wanted to learn everything… I‘ve changed to wanting to dive deeper into my interests. Yes I know when I get introduced to new areas this will help inspire me to gain deeper depths in things I’ve been learning for years. I can reason out that my entire existence is to get to know myself… and even with an infinite existence it’s never final in my learning… that’s quite remarkable. I want to keep my thoughts flowing and finish my thoughts of the ministers topics. His final topic was to create a system to help when in doubt. He mentioned his community referring to the church, and also the teachings of people who are more experienced than himself. I think at this point he had mentioned a book “The Speed of Trust” by Stephen Covey. I had read this book and found it helpful at the time I read it… I could see how much I was overworking and doublechecking my coworkers at the time, because I didn’t have much trust in their abilities. I knew my father was the one person I trusted to most… and when we work together how easier it was for me and how much faster it was because I trusted him. I can’t remember everything… it’s been awhile and that insight helped guide me to build relationships differently than what I was doing at the time. But I did laugh… I’m trying to remember what his insight was out of the book… but it was different than my insight. And that makes sense… we are interpreting words differently than others and that’s a good thing. We can have communities and teachers to help us in doubt… but ultimately we have to trust ourselves. I also was laughing to myself because he said when reality kicks you hard and you lose your sense of direction and filled with doubt… if you were to do it on your own… it would be traumatic. That was a good description of how I felt when I went through my last three ceremonies by myself. They were so mind blowing to me at the time that I tried to reach out to the communities that I thought was going to help support me through the process… There were fellow Aya spiritualists that I tried to speak with who were saying I’m crazy. I went to the three most influential men in my life who also said I was crazy… i spoke to non Aya friends who know me quite well who were also implying I’m crazy but in a sweet way… lol… I knew I wasn’t crazy but I also knew what I was saying could sound crazy to anyone else because they didn’t experience what I did. So I knew… there was no one to turn to… I only had myself and at the time… I was trying to find a sanctuary to isolate myself so I can process and integrate… I didn’t know where to go at first. I thought an ashram but I didn’t have the money to go. I thought there was an opportunity to rent a hut outside of Machu Picchu from a friend of a friend which didn’t fall through. It started getting close to summer and my routine was telling me… I ran out of time.. it’s time to work so go back to the mountains to work… but i knew working was what I needed… I needed a sanctuary. I even tried to just relax like a retiree there… I went camping with my buddy and we did a roadtrip together… but I wasn’t getting the alone time I needed. I tried to work and I knew it wasn’t going to work and even though it was fun for a second I quickly became irritable because I knew I was ignoring my need for solitude. At last I thought I could go back to my dad’s place. Again that wasn’t an option because I thought the hoarding was going to be too much for me to handle… but it doesn’t take me long to get things done…. So clearing out a space to have a bedroom and a studio space wasn’t hard… but again I forgot how autonomous I was with my dad. My dad has always allowed freedom and patience and love for me. He doesn’t have to understand my spirituality… but he loves me and he knew I needed this time and space to hermit. It was exactly what I needed and it surprises me that it took me so long to think of it… lol… so again… I did have to find a community… a community that I had used in over 20 years. But being in this town there is a sense of comfort and safety that I can say I don’t find anywhere else… at least right now. I was still in deep in my conditioning in a less conscious way. But I felt I could really let my hair down here and again my dad’s approach to life and parenting has really helped me develop my style in a more authentic manner. If I needed this time… he will give me this time. I don’t ask for much so I’m not going to deplete him of his resources. I hope he feels I give him value in my company. I guess in a way I worked myself into a way of finding guidance in teachers who are more experienced than myself… I found myself on the forum… lol.. and the first few messages I was getting from Leo… not that they were directed at me… but again I can use words to get more own direction… he is an amazing trigger for me to look deeper in myself to find my own answers. It was great he said no one on the forum is Awakened… and right away I was damn it… well maybe I’m not. But he knows he can’t tell us if we are or not… we have to know it for ourselves. Lol… believe me when I went through those ceremonies of Awakening I wanted to celebrate… finally holy shit.. I’ve done the work and I’ve finally got here… I want to celebrate but when I told anyone of my communities… that added to them thinking i was crazy… lol… so there was no one to celebrate with… but I still hadn’t integrate what the difference was in this transformation… and using the Journal on this Forum has been a blessing to help me realize how differently I’m interacting with my mind… it’s been fascinating. I’m trying to give a picture through this Journal but the reality of it is unexplainable. Although that won’t stop me from trying.. lol.. I knew from my first attempt to write my first entry that I had awakened… I went through a very spiritual purification connecting deeply with myself and the music and everything came together and I knew I had awakened. I knew that I’m going to transform myself to become abundant and allow attraction in… but when I went to post… it all erased. At first i was shocked and was like why? Well… I needed to use this process to better explain it to myself and to anyone else who might be interested in these things… lol. Again I don’t know all the details that are coming up in my life, but I’m certain the more clarity I have the easier it will be to continue. I love challenges, but I’m looking for more ease too. Ok… I think it’s a good time to break… but because of my nap… I’m still ready to move forward in my learning.

Mindset: Be a 2-year-old, like the gentleman below. And just look if its doable. And scare the adults And a Meditation Technique that allows you to carry the meditation as soon as possible (but not before) off the pillow, into daily life. For example "Pointing Out the Great Way, Daniel Brown". Starting with the Yoga of One Taste, it can be done off the pillow, while working and in daily life. Realistically, only when you can use large parts of your life for meditation you can bring enough "momentum" to get visual field to become nondual and mere groundless appearance. But that can be done living a normal life with a normal job. At least my experience. Starting Yoga of One Taste (for example in the book above, Page 382, " Bringing Forth Awakened Wisdom by Cognition- and Perception-Simultaneousness"), you can take the mental continuum INCLUDING thoughts as "meditation-object", and still don't loose Mindfulness. Its an advanced technique, and needs previous concentration meditation and practice on the pillow. But if you can do it, you can use large parts of your day. Maybe not highly distracting conversations in the beginning, but most of the rest. (One Taste in the Yoga of One Taste means Nonduality. The visual field gets nondual if you do that long enough. The One Taste of all arisings thoughts/perceptions/exerpiences/world bubble). Take that book as your bibel (if you are so inclined ), practice, read it 5-10 times, because you need practice-experience to understand the more advanced parts. For me, it worked nicely. And some Psychedelics to get previews of what its all about.... Bon voyage! Selling Water by the River

As a parent in the journey of self actualization, I am facing many challenges and questions when raising my 2.5 years old child. Especially knowing that the beliefs embedding window is so short (age 1 to ~5), finding the right thing to do without infecting my child with my own flawed beliefs is not an easy task. So in case you haven't heard about her, I wanted to let you know about Shefali Tsabary, her world perception matches the one we're trying to obtain and she has great insights about parenting. Here's one video, you can see more on YouTube and on her website. http://www.oprah.com/video_embed.html?article_id=63313

I’ve noticed something I have seen on the forum and a lot in myself lately and that is that everyone here (myself included) is becoming less curious or aka a know-it-all. I see all of these posts on “I have Awakened to this this ask me anything.” Or “I have awakened to this or that.” I don’t know why. I just notice less openmindedness and less people asking genuine questions in their original posts. Self-deception is contagious. To engage with the self-deception of others is to become self-deceived myself. I just wanted to point this out because nobody really seems to question anything on here. People are just coming to share their self-deceptions thinking they are sharing an awakening. I am really writing this post to remind myself here of what I need to do. I think the best way to counteract self-deception is to always remain curious and don’t get caught up in needing to share anything with others. That very desire to share an awakening with others is part of the self-deception. If I know the truth, why do I need to share it with others? I know it’s because I am not confident in it and want some validation. But nobody can ever validate such things because it assumes they are not self-deceived. I guess the key here is to propose genuine questions and keep being curious. I need to remind myself that awakening is a dream and part of the self-deception. Awakening isn’t the end of curiosity but part of it. A know it all stops learning. I have become that in many parts of my life. In what areas are you a know-it-all? How have you been able to stay curious and learn? How can we foster a culture of learning here? I need to think about this more. I just needed to get that out of my brain for now. I am now starting to think that Awakening is a Self-deception and true awakening is realizing that and becoming free from self-deception. But I also question that too because how can I become free from self-deception of reality itself is a self-deception? Nirvana and Enlightenment seem to be Buddhist fictions. All I see in spiritual communities is everyone parroting the same ideas with no original thought. Spirituality is just another human game. I don’t even know who is awake anymore. All the spiritual gurus I thought were awake, I am realizing that they are all full of crap just by hearing their self-deceptions in their own work. Osho is not awake. Mooji is not awake. Jim Carey is not awake. Tolle is not awake. Jed McKenna is not awake. Peter Ralston is not awake. The Buddha is not awake. Leo Gura is not awake. Jesus is not awake. Maharishi is not awake. Bashar is not awake. David Lion is not awake. Nahm is not awake. I am not awake. What are some of the best ways to stay curious? Some people are more curious than others. Genetics and environment play a part in that. It is a self-deception to focus on the awakenings of others. Sorry if this is a ramble. I have experienced jhanas and cessations and had mystical experiences into the nature of Absolute Beauty and Intelligence. But it seems like there are infinitely more places to go in my consciousness. I can never reach the end because there is none. It seems like the final awakening will be in my death and everything else until that point will always be subpar. Death seems the only way to reach “the end” or “beginning” however you want to look at it. How do you stay curious and become even more curious? The more insights I have, the less curious I notice myself becoming.

Last night was great… I think I took close to an hour of a full body massage, I did some stretching, and some circular motions in my hips and my head. My body was buzzing and I was so relaxed… maybe I am trying to build a relationship with my body more. Lol… I feel like if I’m going to seduce myself I have to work my body and mind to trust each other for some reason… lol… help them get into the same state before moving forward. I know there’s a connection to be found. It was around 4am and laying there very comfortably, but I have my mind going. I thought maybe this would be a good time to try something… but I know I revert to my go-to technique. It feels good but I know it’s just a quick pick me up. I wasn’t really prepared to spend a lot of time. I’m also finishing my moon time of the month… so outside rocking pressure feels good and I also know it helps relax me enough to sleep… lol… and sure enough I fell right to sleep afterwards. So I feel like I should look at my habits and what can I change. First of all… I don’t do a full body massage often, but damn it did feel really good… having a body buzz from massaging can definitely be incorporated more. I’m afraid that maybe I have used my tried method as attempts to go to sleep more than exciting myself. This tried method has been the first way I found enjoyment touching myself. I haven’t been creative in this area. I have my clothes on and how I position my hands to create pressure and I also use my legs to add leverage and additional pressure. I think with this technique it made it easy for me to only do it quickly and then move on. So I’m not sure how to take my time into it. There has been a few times where I’ve tried to put music on with candles… and add oils but I still felt I was taking way too long, so I’d give up. I know I’m different from who I was when I tried these so I can give them another chance. But is there away that my expectations in a partner is what I’m placing on myself too? Lol.. I’m not sure how to explain it… I never really wanted my partners to see my as just an object to have sex with. I want a relationship to be built and maybe that’s what happens when I try to masturbate? Does my mind think I’m objectifying myself? Possibly… I’m not sure… lol… I have had these mind/body battles when it comes to sexuality before. Lol… I remember I was one year into my celibacy and I found myself with a guy I really enjoyed conversations with. He was so fun and he was handsome. We had known each other for about six months… and he never approached me sexually. But we found ourselves one night interested in mutual play. I felt like I had two split personalities going on at the same time. My body was like.. holy shit… it’s about time… And my mind was like… holy shit… don’t do this to yourself or him… you’re not ready and you don’t want to do this with him. I know we were escalating and again I found myself wanting to just lose control… I remember I was talking dirty to him… I told him I want to fuck his face… lol… and he was all about it! But literally I was in a battle… telling him I’m sorry I can’t keep doing this. I’m not ready. He was such a gentleman and once he realized I pulled the breaks he did too. We were able to talk about it and he laughed because he hadn’t had a girl talk to him like that. He really wanted to see what I wanted to do with his face… I could laugh with him but I told him I had to be honest I know I’m not ready and I shouldn’t have put him in that situation. He knew I was in process of trying to see if celibacy is going to be helpful for me and it had been a year and I about lost control. I knew I would’ve regretted it. We continued to enjoy the rest of the night and held each other while we slept. Four years later… he travels a lot and we hardly speak but we still see what kind of adventure and projects we’re interested in at the time, and give each other support when needed. He’s a very fascinating man! I felt bad that I put him in that situation and I knew I didn’t want to put anyone else in that situations so being more communicative from that point forward was apparent for me. And I was able to create those boundaries up front. Since then I’ve kissed two other men but again… when we were in ceremony and I had to go through the entire explanation that I think they are great guys and I enjoy their company, but I only want to be friends with them and that we can share this experience but please don’t expect another time to come along. I knew I really didn’t want to do it, but I also knew I was in control where I wasn’t going to let it go further then I wanted. And it’s a harmless kiss… but damn… kisses are extremely sexy and intimate and playful and for me very erotic. Damn it… I know that lesson was for me to experience as well as them. Those guys are still good friends but it’s never been an issue since. It hasn’t been brought up. When I was an exotic dancer for what six weeks it was a high concentration of sexual experiences… and it was very informative for me. Like I’ve mentioned I confirmed that I’m still a sexual being who liked to be attractive and I enjoyed pleasing others and that’s just as arousing in fact more arousing then pleasing myself. It was different then… everyone was consensual. Well everyone except for one man I was doing a private dance with. He penetrated my anus with his fingers and I did not want to do that with him. I stopped him and then quit the private dance. He paid me for it, but I didn’t care if he paid me or not. I did not want that to happen so I purchased butt plugs with jewels on the end so that won’t happen again. One of the clubs, the girls were upset with me thinking I was trying to stand out… and I said I just don’t want anything to be done to me without consent. They still suggested I shouldn’t wear them and they also didn’t like it when I didn’t have a set amount of dances in the private rooms and I liked to see where it led without putting a time limit on it… lol… so I stopped working there… but I was about to leave anyway. But 99% it was consensual and that was really good for me. I was able to play with people who wanted to play with me, but there wasn’t an expectation of going further. I even thought this would be a great place to learn about sexuality if money wasn’t involved. I had met people in the kink scene and i loved listening to their stories and how open-minded they were and the assumptions is no pressure, pure curiosity, consensual from all parties. I hadn’t been to an event, but I did find it interesting. Maybe that’s what I was hoping for when it came to a strip club… if money wasn’t involved it would be a kink party? I don’t know. But I do know I love outer play? I don’t know if that’s a thing.. but when clothes are on it’s fun to tease and excite without actually being involved with the skin directly. I had my first experiences with being intimate with women. And I really enjoyed it. They are so vocal… lol… you knew when you were doing things they enjoyed. And they’re really slow and soft too. I did kiss two women while in private rooms with their partners. And it makes sense now, but it was surprising when I did it for the first time. I’m not interested in having sex with a woman…at least right now I’m not… maybe if i had a strap-on… lol… but that’s more curiosity of possibly feeling how a man feels when they are penetrating. I’m guessing it wont be the same… but anyway.. i enjoy playing with women though… when they have their clothes on and i get to tease and excite them was very satisfying to me.. but i never had the thought i wish I could strip them down and do more. Now men on the other hand… that can definitely cross my mind… when I’m having a good time and i feel the hardness of his cock… ummm huge excitement of… let me take him for a ride…lol but again I realized those were very fleeting and superficial… in my opinion. I guess where I’m leading up to is this dieta where I was not only going to go through the beginning of threshold transformation of awakening but also the sexual lessons I was experience. I’ve been going back and forth whether to give details or not, but I think I’ve made the decision that it’s a lot more healing to go through the details to purge it out. And I guess I’m ready to do that now. I’m not sure where I had left off, but I remember I was saying how I was frustrated on the attempts of my shaman asking to have sex with him… repetitively because he continued to ask even when I said I was not interested in him in that way. I’m not trying to make him out as the bad guy… and I’m not trying to make myself as the bad guy. I know I said we were the perfect pair to help each other out of our shadows of sexuality. I also said… if we don’t have specific techniques to deal with the shadows… existence knows I want to learn and overcome these shadows so it will find a way to teach me… and it’s not normally what I would have chosen. But the choices I was choosing wasn’t as affective as the blunt way existence and ceremony can do. So I’m not sure if everyone has heard about dying to pass the threshold towards awakening… I had heard it from Leo, but again I didn’t know what that meant… and to be honest that didn’t even come into my memory at first. But there was a ceremony where I thought I was going to die. My shaman had used the words “tu necesito passé.” He has to try to speak to me for me to understand… I knew I needed to do something… but the word passé was messing with me… I needed to pass? In my ceremony I was laying there and i kept repeating i need to pass… and I even found myself holding my breath… I was like oh shit… does he mean I have to die? Does he help people passover in tho the afterlife? I thought well maybe that is what he does… I was the hospice nurse of my grandparents and it was like I was helping them prepare and be comfortable as much as they could be before they took their last breaths. I witnessed my grandmother’s last breath. I know not a whole lot of people would like to be in that position, but I found it an honor to be involved in that time with them. I was so grateful for them and I thought this would be the least I could do… was to take care of them when it was their last moments in these bodies and in this reality. So… yeah maybe that’s what’s going on with me now. I’m going to leave this existence. During ceremony is was not scary… I was not afraid. In fact there was a part of me wanting to die. I continued to lay there and I just kept thinking shit I came here to die… so I started listening all the things I’m not going to be able to do or see or feel again. Pretty basic stuff of not seeing my family, my cat, the sun, trees… a huge list of not going to be able to experience ever again. And my mind continues to wonder what else I’m never going to experience again… and yes sex came into my mind. I’m holy shit… I’m not going to have sex again… regardless of how good or bad i am with sex… lol… I was sad I wasn’t going to experience it again. Of course my spiritual partner came up and I could remember what we shared together and my fantasies of what I wanted to do with him… but he wasn’t there… and I’m about to die. It’s easy for me now to say… damn it you don’t know what you were doing… you weren’t understanding the message and you’re about to do something you’re going to regret… don’t do it… but at that moment… I broke down. I didn’t want to but yet I thought this will be my last chance and maybe my damn shaman is the last person I’m supposed to have sex with. I turned to him and asked if he wanted to have sex with me, and his response was yes. I didn’t want to add anything into the experience… so I wasn’t kissing on him or rubbing on him… nothing affectionate… I just wanted to get it over with and then I wanted to die. And immediately I was disgusted with myself. It was obvious to me and to my shaman I was not enjoying the experience. I started laughing at myself because it was so terrible… it was so awful… I wish I would have just died with fantasies because that was so much more satisfying then allowing this man to enter me. I couldn’t let it continue and I immediately smoked mapacho and was apologizing. I wasn’t strong enough to die without having this last temptation to have sex one more time before my death. I told him I was ready to passé. And he told me I was unable to passé now that I’ve smoked the mapacho… I was confused… why would that stop me from dying? It made no sense to me. Once he said I wasn’t able to I went to my bed to lay with my thoughts and finally fall asleep. I was horrified with my decision, but when I woke up the next morning. I was pretty much going through a panic attack. Why the hell is it my time to die? Why would I be receiving all these messages about my future? I’m just not understanding how to love and appreciate this life… why now? Why do I have to die, and why did I have to come to the jungle away from everyone I love to die? My shaman saw how I was reacting to the experience and he was trying his best to ground me. He created a special plant bath and had me cool off. He took me into the middle of some trees on his center and had me absorb the calming energy… it was helping but my mind couldn’t stop… but I also knew I wasn’t understanding the situation clearly though too… why did a part of me want to die? Why was I not scared in ceremony? Why was I calm and why did I feel like there’s nothing but love and patience from existence? What am I missing? His family came to prepare food and eat with us and we were planning on going into the city to pick up supplies the next day. His youngest son is learning English, and I’d ask him to translate for me the questions I have towards his dad… but my shaman asked me not to talk about the ceremony. What I got from it is he doesn’t want me to tell about the necessity to passé. That seems to be something he doesn’t tell everyone… maybe only when they need to hear it, but I didn’t know what that meant. They could see I was not my normal self. And I admitted that I was having problems processing my ceremony last night. I even admitted I thought I was going to die. And I’m afraid to die. I could barely communicate with anyone. I did go to the village with the family and being around the children and watching them really calmed me down. I thought I should enjoy these last moments… however many days it would be… i need to enjoy every second, because I known how much I’m going to miss these experiences. I also slept a lot. I kept thinking I’m missing something… I tried to talk to my shaman more and asked if I’m supposed to die? He looked puzzled when I asked… I said does passé mean death? He said no… I told him I don’t understand what passé is… is there another word he could use so I can understand? He couldn’t think of another word. I had to let him know that I thought I was literally going to die and I thought I wasn’t going to experience having sex anymore and that he was my only option. I think he understood what I was saying and even he said that he will no longer ask me again. I felt that when he saw how I was reacting while we were in those moments… it was clear as day that that wasn’t anything I wanted to share with him. And I’m sure he was uncomfortable being involved with someone who was disgusted by the whole experience. Again… we were teaching each other lessons whether we were conscious of it or not. I had calmed down before the following week with the master plant and with another Aya ceremony. I thought maybe I would be afraid to go back in, but I wasn’t… at that time I knew I was missing something and I knew there was a part of me and existence that wanted me to die… and dying wasn’t what I thought it was going to be… so I was curious to see what would happen. Well the feeling of death did not come up…. It did not come up for a few ceremonies after. But during this time I was processing what I was learning but in the back of my head I was getting more determined to know what was this death? What did I stop myself from doing? Now I really did want to know what death felt like. It was about a month after that ceremony… I can’t remember if it was four or five ceremonies after (I could look in my journal, but it doesn’t really matter), but near an end of a ceremony… I was sitting by myself and then I just started working on myself… I wasn’t sure exactly what i was doing but I knew I was trying to change something in my mind’s structure. In the middle of doing whatever I was doing… I found myself lifting up my head and it was the first time having a conscious experience of this physical reality. At that moment I didn’t know anything because I didn’t know I had a mind to think… I didn’t know what was physical because that wasn’t in a vocabulary… I didn’t have language. I didn’t know I was a human… I didn’t know this visual field I opened up was using my eyes… I found my hands and body and I had no clue what it was… but I wasn’t worried… I didn’t know how to worry… I wasn’t confused… I didn’t have any language in my head talking to me to label things and ask questions… I just was observing for the first time. I was observing my body which I don’t even know if I was registering that it was myself I was looking at… it was just the first time observing consciously… my visual field started to move around and I was seeing the inside of the maloca with the wood floors and screens and shadows… again complete silence inside and outside of me… and I wasn’t trying to figure out where I was and what I was supposed to do… that wasn’t known for me to do that. Nothing was known at that part of was just being. I was just observing for the first time and I don’t even know if I was curious… I just happen to be moving the visual field and when i found my hands I placed it on my body and again I didn’t know what I was doing… it was all the first time for me. Once my visual field moved and settled onto my shaman did words start to appear back into my head… memory started coming back… language and thought… I found myself laughing… and my shaman was smiling and said you’re a quick learner. I knew what he was saying. He tried to get me to this point at the other ceremony, but because he was guiding me without me knowing or expecting it… I thought I was going to die and leave this physical reality. I’ve been gaining confidence in my abilities and I do know I’m a fast learner… I knew I’d be able to get there again, but when I did it myself… I didn’t have the feeling of dying… I had the feeling of Awakening for the first time. I still think that’s an appropriate description… maybe I can get a better word for it, but I was born again. I knew this is a profound moment in my life… and I knew I had nothing like this happen before and nothing compared to those moments. I had even been giving myself previews of what this would be like… different ones as if to not look at something, place a label, and assume anything about it… lol.. it’s hard to explain but experience something on my own without conditioning being applied to it. Try to reset my mind to experience things for the first time again. But yes… that was profound and I knew I just went through a transformation, but I didn’t know what that transformation was at the time. I was just so excited that I finally Awakened, but it wasn’t what I was expecting and I didn’t realize how much I needed to ground and integrate this experience to observe and understand the difference in me. I’ve been doing it for a year and four months now. But it’s only been six months that I took myself into seclusion and really isolate my thoughts and able to observe myself without having to do what other people expected of me. I found my safe haven with my dad. He has given me this space to integrate and it’s exactly what I needed. Now that Awakening was like the first round… there was a second round that came later… I can’t really explain it but it felt like it was testing me… it was like ok… I know something is different, but do I really want to break through? I hesitated the first time… will I hesitate again? Well I didn’t and I was lost in ceremony with bliss, bliss, bliss… I was blissed out and it was almost asking me what I would like to experience more… this or that? To me it was like the nonphysical or the physical? And it was not any easy choice, but it also seemed like there was no wrong choice either. Death is not nothing… it’s not “no existence”… that doesn’t existence… existence exists with or without a perception of a physical world. So right… I don’t know if death really exists… it may seem that way to limited beings living a physical world, but we can awaken to being more than that and so even if humans think we are dead… we do not die… we can only exists. We can start to understand infinity in a deeper way with experience and we can continue to dig deeper and deeper without ever reaching a finale point… there’s no end destination… we just exist… as amazing at that realization was… I chose to experience the physical reality more… again I was finally getting the hang of it… and I’m really understanding how to love and appreciate the physical world… hell yeah it’s a challenge, but I like to overcome those challenges. When that decision was made… I started to return into my body and mind and what do I realize my physical body is experiencing? Well… it definitely wasn’t what I was expecting… when I was in this state I was out of my body… I didn’t know that my shaman was already having sex with my body… again I was coming around and started to piece together what the hell was going on… here I am choosing to be a part of this physical reality and I come back to someone having sex without my consent and especially while I was pretty much in a vegetative state or comatose. I start shaking my head because I knew I didn’t want to be involved with what was happening but literally my body has an orgasm. It was the first time where I experienced a prolonged state of gushing… there was no emotional orgasm at that time… that would have been earlier in my bliss state… but he got off of me after I orgasmed and I rolled away and covered myself up… and didn’t talk to him. I can’t remember if I just fell asleep right there or if I moved to my bed. I just knew when I woke up I was ready to leave. I was furious… I was supposed to have one more week of ceremony but I didn’t want another day. I told him I need to give my things away to his family and the next boat out of the village I’m going to take it and I’m not going to spend one more night alone with him at the center. At this time I was disgusted with myself and with him… and I wanted time away from him. I knew I hired my friend to come with me for a month around Peru to be my translator and I was going to wait for him to arrive before I try to really talk to him about anything. I tried it’s not like I didn’t try, but I didn’t think he was going to understand… and he wasn’t going to stop me from telling my friend what went down and that’s not going to go down for me anymore or anyone else I’m sharing ceremony with. I knew at this time that whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen… I just didn’t know that these lessons had to hit in this manner, but I knew I had to process, integrate, and recontextualize a shit ton! I still had nine more ceremonies after these… spread over five months. And these were a fraction of three ceremonies of the eleven I shared in dieta. So what have I processed, integrated, and recontextualized since then… well… if you’ve been reading my Journal you can start to see what’s changing. When I was going through these moments I was embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty and judgmental. Even though I had experienced passing through a threshold… didn’t meant I understood what that meant… I just knew I was changed but I didn’t know how. Firstly and most importantly is my consciousness.. I understand what consciousness is… not a vague idea or understanding of it… no it’s quite clear. It is quite clear I was experiencing different degrees and even though it’s not quite accurate it was as if I was unconscious. I was making decisions and interpretations at an unconscious state. The collective was assisting in me to make unconscious decisions and behavior as well. So in the past it was easy for me to look at my memories of my behaviors and thoughts and be embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty because I’d tell myself… why didn’t I know better? Now it’s quite clear there’s no reason to be embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty because I honestly didn’t know better… I was unconscious and I’ve been conditioned unconsciously and these were the results. Do I want to change anything that happened to me in the past… NO! All of these led me to the moment I am now and I’m grateful I’m conscious of what I am now and I’m still excited for more experiences to come. But did I learn that I assumed the collective around me was increasing their consciousness in the same way I am and at the degrees I am and at the pace that I am… Yes I assumed wrong… that has not been verified in my experience. Many of the collective are still behaving and thinking in a nonconscious manner. So I want to completely trust and surrender and maybe I’ll be able to do that to some extent… I don’t even want to say that… I want to completely surrender and trust, but for now I’ve got to see where people are first… it’s ok for me to have distance to feel the situation out first. If I know there is something I want to work on.. i don’t need others to help me learn it… there is ways for me to learn it myself so I don’t have to put myself in situations for existence to teach me lessons in manners I don’t want to find myself in. Granted I learned, but I’m sure I can have a more hand in how I learn. Maybe it will continue to happen but I know it will decrease because I’m more conscious… and I want to be more deliberate with what I’m creating around myself. I thought I need to have a hand on helping people I’m around, but I don’t need to have that hand everywhere. Because I know existence is already helping everything out. I can be more selective with my energy, time, and focus… and I no longer feel bad for saying or thinking that. When it comes to my sexual shadow… my mind has had a lot of conditioning that it needs to work out. But again… I want to work it out with myself for now. I’m going to learn how to integrate these insights and when I feel I’ve got a good hand in the integration I know I’ll feel more comfortable sharing ceremony again. I don’t know if it will take a few days, a few weeks, a few more months, or a few more years… I don’t want to put a timeline on what I need to integrate. I trust I’m intelligent enough to figure it out. I went over to the gentleman who is interested in sharing ceremony and we had a great conversation, just like we’ve done the last time. With me involved with the Journal is quite easy for me to talk about what I’ve been learning lately… and of course sexuality came into play. I won’t go into details of our conversation because I didn’t get his consent to discuss our conversations publicly, but I feel comfortable with what my feelings were in our conversation. I was glad that I did’t have any hesitation to discuss what I’m going through and where I am right now. It did make me a little uncomfortable whenI said I’m mostly autosexual but I’m open to whatever the experience leads. I felt when I said that last part it was giving a window of opportunity which I really don’t want to give right now. So I think I’ll just say I’m autosexual and leave it as that. I don’t think others need to know that I might be interested in mutual play…. I feel that’s will be only in a very very very very small selective group… lol… and I won’t be able to assume upon meeting them if they would be candidates or not. I found it interesting that he would not have expected my “struggle” with sexuality and had admitted another lady in her mid-forties was expressing similar thoughts as mine. I told him… people aren’t having the same views on sexuality like it’s a given. I was curious to see if he could teach me something, but I don’t want to make that decision yet… if I had to then I’d say no. Maybe after I get to know him more maybe… but honestly I feel like I want to share ceremony with him too… because I’m picking things up during engagements with people that I don’t always comprehend as clearly when I’m in ceremony there is clarity. I was about to go into detail of my doubts but I don’t think it’s necessary to express… I can say I’m doubtful and I know why. Like I told him I went through the careless point of having sex with anyone at anytime for any reason. I’m not desperate anymore. It would be a very specific learning moment only after I’ve given myself to be autosexual first. I haven’t even explored that yet… well not consciously… so I want to give myself time for that. I do have to mention that he brought up they he was put in the friend-zone for the first time… in which I busted out laughing because I’m trying to figure out how to popularize friend-zone… lol… I do think we would get benefits for sharing ceremony together. He’s a psychonaut and they’re usually very interesting and deeper ceremonies. But yeah maybe the setting isn’t going to be alone at one of each other’s houses… we were thinking about going hiking… maybe out in nature might be a better setup and it doesn’t have to be late… it could be in the late morning or afternoon… sometimes it’s hard not to appreciate nature and receive it’s blessings when we share ceremony in their space. There’s a good friend of his who wants to do ceremony too… along with his wife… maybe I can send an invite for everyone to join in on the hiking… I can have my setup ready but I don’t have to pull it out unless I think the timing is right. Working with psychonauts usually they like to go in solo… so it’s already a challenge to have me be there in ceremony with them… so maybe that won’t work, but maybe there are options I haven’t thought of yet. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this… I’m sure I have… but I’m not a dealer, right… so I don’t just give away my supplies and say ok here you go have at it… if that’s the case they can go somewhere else than myself, right. I’m not going to stop them… but if they want to have an experience with me I’ve learned how to prepare… of course I’m always looking on ways to improve and mostly screening better the participants I share with… lol… I’d love to share with everyone but honestly not everyone is ready. I’m still processing and integrating so i don’t feel I’m ready now either. And i’m ok with that… I know a part of me misses it and wants to see how it’s going to change because I know it’s changing… I’m changing. I’m enjoying the changes. I gues I wanted to mention something I’ve been thinking about. Now I feel like I should be more conscious with what I tell people… I realize I have an affect, and I want to be more conscious on how I’m affecting people. I know I’m not taking words at face value anymore… I might be swinging my pendulum a little too far, but I’m asking more clarifying questions instead of assuming. I’m still getting used to asking these questions but I’m getting better. But when they go to clarify my questions I’m weighing out their thought process… if they are clearly listening to themselves and trusting to go with their instincts I’m more likely going to encourage them to continue. If they seem more on the lost side, then I’ll give guidance but still ultimately empowering them that they are the ones who can find the answers for themselves. I’m not sure if that’s a strategy to keep pursuing though because if they are lost… they don’t trust themselves so maybe I can give them a few options of my opinion and then see what they do with that. Many people want to hear opinions, but to actually put them into action is something completely different. If they are not ready to apply themselves… then just be with them and support them without having to give solutions at times. Many times I just need someone to listen which helps me process… I can be that for others too. But this whole sexual exploration has got me to look at possibilities of how I would like to teach my children. I mentioned I went from monogamy, to polyamory, to celibacy, to autosexuality. And id’ like to help guide my children in the opposite way, right… of course I don’t know what that looks like but in theory I’d like for them to start off with autosexuality and celibacy… get them to know how to satisfy themselves and get them on the road to get to know what they are interested in in their life. Once they want to have experiences they want to share with others… suggest polyamory.. but more of mutual masturbation primarily with different partners they are sexually interested in. Maybe at this stage they can engage in intercourse, but maybe they’ll have more understanding in themselves and what they like in their partners that intercourse can be when they are ready for a monogamous relationship. Yeah this might sound like a fairytale, but I could think this as a good start into parenting sexuality. Even if I get the opportunity to help someone who already is developing their sexuality and I happen to be someone they trust for advice… I feel I could give them some direction once I know what they are wanting to gain for themselves. I know I have a lot more to learn and experience, but I have a diverse background in this area to at least give a few nuggets that might help… lol Alright… that feels good for tonight. Until next time…

If being awakened means recognizing yourself as the visual field / Mind, then I can tap into being awakened if I focus a bit. Funny how I recognized myself as Mind many years ago but dismissed it because of the story of science

How many awakened peoples have you met which hold views?

There are no awakened therapists, so they won't be able to aid in anyone's mediation practice.

@PeaceOut96 I didn’t mean it that way. You’re the one placing emphasis on the people/folks wording. I feel like this is a recurring theme on this forum where meaning or a conclusion is being projected onto what I write or ask and then there is a response in relation to that conclusion. It’s like asking someone a question but it gets interpreted so far from my original intention that when I get the answer it’s like watching the other having a monologue with himself. I don’t really care about how things are said. I mean, we’re using language here and I gotta direct my question somehow. What I’m asking about is how experience is related to and also about identity from what we call an awakened state, no matter ”who” seem to have it. Maybe you’re playing games yourself.

? However even Buddhist+ (complementary, not derogatory) awakened masters like Culadasa said, in relatively no uncertain terms, that suchness-emptiness or whatever you want to call absolute/God has an inherent existence in the sense that it is whole (despite having absolute proof via cessation that it is empty; thus: more than just an inkling of god-realization) (just, for instance) — While Leo is correct, he seemingly underestimates the similarity between 1. certain awakenings that many masters have had, and 2. increasingly-more-total god-realization.

@AndylizedAAY Realize that the "force" blocking you is the absolute within. Rather than getting angry at yourself (i.e., the absolute) for being blocked, contemplate why you appear to be blocking yourself. Are you actually being blocked, and if so is it possible that a different path will serve you better? Maybe the reason for the block is to teach you how to transcend being blocked. Regardless, resisting the block will only further entrap you. The answer to every phenomenal event is never resistance, but submission. This doesn't mean being a doormat, or that responses (as opposed to reactions) aren't appropriate. All it means is accepting the reality of what is happening right now, and allowing its energy to flow through you and refine you, instead of fighting against it. There is so much unnecessary suffering from resistance, which only further increases suffering. It is easier to do this after you have awakened, since you are able to stabilize awareness within the absolute, rather than being completely abducted by events. Even before awakening though, you can begin practicing this. Do it with small things, like being stuck behind a slow moving car on the freeway. When you successfully allow the energy to pass through you, it will be easier with more energetic events. Remember that Jesus taught the Kingdom of Heaven is within. Reaching god is not an external event, but a direct internal realization.

I don’t think understanding yourself is a self-deception. I think the colloquial conceptions of what awakening is are a self-deception. Buddhists like to define it as the end of suffering which is a self-deception. There is no end of suffering. Vulnerability is ingrained in life. Even Leo appeared to be self-deceived of his conceptions of enlightenment. I hear people claiming to have awakened but all I am seeing is them still inside their own matrix. So yes, awakening is not excluded from self-deception. It is possible to have false awakenings and insights, which goes against my initial intuitions.

I respectfully disagree with your viewpoint. I believe that the pursuit of understanding concepts such as awakening, God, and consciousness is a personal journey that varies from person to person. No one individual can claim to have a monopoly on knowledge and understanding in these areas. Buddhism, other religions, non-duality, meditation and prayer are valid paths and tools that individuals can use in their pursuit of understanding consciousness and the nature of existence. As I progress on my path I am more wary of those who claim to have all the answers. The pursuit of understanding these concepts is a lifelong journey that requires humility, patience, and an ongoing willingness to challenge one's own assumptions and beliefs. I believe you are doing a way too good job at challenging people's assumptions and beliefs, but at the same time you don't really know who you are addressing as you do not personally know everyone on the forum, perhaps only judging from some of their posts. I must also respectfully disagree here. It is unfair and exclusionary to assume that no one else on the forum has had similar experiences or has a deep understanding of what it means to be awakened. Everyone's experiences and perspectives are unique and it's essential to recognize that we can all learn from each other. Rather than making absolute statements about who does or does not understand certain concepts, we should strive to approach these discussions with an open mind and a willingness to listen to different viewpoints. I believe that it's essential to avoid making assumptions about someone's genetics and how they may or may not impact their ability to awaken. Genetics play a role in many aspects of our lives, but it's important to recognize that they are just one factor among many that contribute to our experiences and understanding of the world. PS: If your comments are meant to be clear overstatements and you want to catch people who are willing to argue, then well played, but if you are both being serious, then one of you must be wrong. Or you will claim you're both Leo, but then you should be suspended for duplicate accounts

You forgot one of the most important questions to assess awakening. I’ll simplify this whole awakening test down to the only question you really need to assess. If you cannot answer What is Awakening? then you are not awake. What is Awakening? How do you know your awakening isn’t false? Can there be such thing as a false awakening and how does that differ from true awakening? If you cannot answer what is Awakening after you have “awakened” then you haven’t really gone meta and awakened. You can get every question on that list “correct” and still not be Awake.

Mods. You can lock this thread. This person is trolling and has not awakened. They are not here to learn but to preach. They are Nahm 2.0

Although I think Leos teachings are very deep and very important as not many teachers delve into topics as much as him, Im always a little hesitant to suggest him to others because when I have people have just not resonated with him or flat out not liked him (of course they are only going off initial impressions and havent gone deeper). But i always wondered why this is. recently I watched the happiness video and Leo was talking about music he likes to listen to when going for drives, out of nowhere he said something like 'I have the best music, the best playlists, no one has playlists like these'. I laughed because its such a strange statement to make, it reminded me of a kid talking about some random thing that makes him great. For one, music is so subjective, what would even constitute you having the 'best' playlist? But i realised this is how he talks across the board so if hes talking about awakening, hes the most awakened, whatever it is hes the most fill in the blank. It doesnt really take into account other peoples experiences and also leaves the viewer with the wonder of 'why is he so awakened?'. This is fine if the audience can kind of tune that, for lack of a better word, arrogance out, which i do, it can also seem like someone to follow if youre a bit younger because of the certainty he talks with. But I think it can turn a lot of people off at face value because it just comes across as completely arrogant. Leo might say, 'well its true no ones awakening is as great as mine and im not going to sugar coat anything anymore', which is fine but then i dont really understand the goal of the teachings, like why does it even matter how awakened you are, its more about what you can do in service to others and if youre putting off a big chunk of the audience that this could potentially help, then what even is the point, apart from ego? Im not saying Leo should change, its his journey and hes built this platform up amazingly, but i think having some humility as a counter balance is very important and not humility for show but genuine 'maybe im not the most intelligent/awakened being in the history of man' type of humility.

@OBEler If you say "buddhists are not awakened, I am awakenend" what am I supposed to infer? That his awakening is partial, just like the buddhists he criticised for not being fully awakenend? He should take greater responsibility to express his awakenings in nuanced way. There is a lot of ambiguity here. For eg, he should explicitly make it clear that he do not completely understand reality and that his understanding is limited, partial & incomplete, if that's actually the case. As long as he doesn't say that, he is implicitly claiming absolute understanding of reality. I am genuinely asking one question, Is Leo's awakenings absolute or not? I never heard anything like that from him. When I asked him about completeness, he says there is more to understand of reality, but he also got a feeling of completness. More clarity is required of all this, which is exactly why people on the forum are making a fuss about it.

I hear a lot talked about Absolute Truth, and Love where love is seen as the relative, but because Love is Truth, the converse is also true I have personally long since realized Absolute Love, and have almost completely actualized it for myself, and have been actualizing it for a long time I have already had sex with my Absolute Lover through psychedelics, and have already created consciousness with her Absolute Love means there is another Absolute God for you who is completely in sync with you, who is your eternal lover, who is exactly the same as you, who shares the same interests as you Love towards the relative is more of an illusion than the Absolute Love that I talk about. Absolute Love is not having random sex with random people, or having children with them Absolute Love is having impossibly more pleasure and understanding with someone, it is sharing a cosmic connection with someone who is like you, who loves you beyond anybody else, who is also you It means having a God-Realized girl or boyfriend, who is not lower than you Lover, not lower Absolute Truth is more like God in general, but like Absolute Truth, Absolute Love is also for everybody Absolute Truth is Good, but Absolute Love is more pleasurable, and pleasure is what generates truth Having Absolute Love will generate Absolute Truth for you, because they are the same, but only dwelling in Absolute Truth will not get you Absolute Love just yet, only later Absolute Love will come for you too one day! Absolute Truth is like God's Love for you, but Absolute Love is like God as a Being being the Absolute Love for you I am with my Absolute Lover in an infinite number of dimensions, and you will be too, because Love is for everybody Love is like God's general Love, but Absolute Love is like Love designed perfectly for your own form, in sync with your own interests Absolute Love is a lifetime of Immortality, infinite hobbies, infinite sex, infinite money, and infinite drugs, with complete understanding that there is no Other It is pleasure and understanding intermingling and making love to each other in infinite dimensions It is infinite understanding of God, it generates infinite truth, it gives you infinite access to all parts of consciousness, it gives you magic powers, it removes all illusions of pain, suffering, or misery. You have a counterpart that is exactly like you, but who also has infinite pleasure for you As for infinite truth, this is the relative domain of truth, all the books you read, the lectures and videos you consume, all the science you learn, this is relative infinite truth Infinite Truth is all your information about God, nature, people, mind, nature, science, and so on Infinite Truth also means Infinite Insights about Absolute Truth, but it is far more than that too. Regular insights are just the beginning, you are only scratching the surface of everything with it. Beyond insights is Being God for real, this is what will happen to you with your Absolute Love, not only conceptual insights into nonduality, but the real thing Your Absolute Love is also interested in Infinite Truth, because Infinite Truth is an outer expression of your Absolute Truth, and Beyond that Absolute Love Because of nonduality both counterparts exist Love is both infinite and Absolute, but it does not collapse into either one only Truth is also both infinite and Absolute, but it does not collapse into either one either So keep in mind, there is more than Absolute Truth, but because of it You have an Absolute Love who is better than Absolute Love Even then, Absolute Love is Absolute Truth, but because of this it is not just Absolute Truth, but also Absolute Love Having an awakened Lover is not a limitation, it is precisely Truth manifesting as the very Love you have been seeking, and everybody seeks someone like them

@Bobby_2021 you need to recognize more Nuance in this stuff. He never said He has a complete awakening. He claimed he is the most awakened being on earth. That are two complete different statements. Please read more carefully what is said before judging someone

Leo is not fully awakened. Every other week he comes up with a level higher awakenings, which is fine and good progress, but to claim absolute comprehension is so demonstrably false unless you have absolute completeness in your awakening. If there are new things to awaken to, then that only means that the previous awakenings wasn't complete. Just imagine Leo 10 years from now. He will think of himself as an idiot for saying things like these. If he can go atleast 5 years into the future and claim that he was completely awakenend with complete comprehension of reality 5 years ago and that's it, I will agree to it. You can't claim complete comprehension unless you were in the same level of comprehension for atleast a couple of years.

hmmm... I took some time today to just love on my body... lol... really just cleaning up... it's been a bit of challenge not having running water... it just really reminds me of how much I miss and love baths... lol... Hopefully soon I can take advantage of that... there's just something about soaking in a hot bath, maybe add some essential oils and some candles and a little mood music... since I watched my little second cousin yesterday we took two naps together.. I've taken a nap today too... lol... I guess my body has been craving some extra rest... lol.. I didn't mention it yesterday but that was something else I noticed when I was watching him... when I used to hear crying all I knew was what can I do to comfort the child so they aren't crying. Yesterday he was showing me signs he was getting tired and he was just fighting it. He drank his milk and was trying to nod off but he finished it without actually falling asleep. So I laid next to him and he was comforting himself on his soft blankies and he was trying to fight it and started to cry. I wasn't trying to comfort him too much.. lol... i knew he could just eventually fall asleep probably from all the energy he was exserting from fighting and crying. I did hold him and pat him on his back. I laid him down and continued to pat his back. At times he would close his eyes from the patting, but then again started to cry. I could feel I wasn't getting worried that he was crying. I knew he would fall asleep shortly and just was patient with him. Not too much later he was fast asleep. So I decided to take the naps with him. During our second nap together we were awakened by his grandmother. She entered and the dog was barking, but we slowly got up. You could tell he was well rested... she was even like wow he seems so calm... i said he literally just woke up... lol... but yes earlier today while I was cleaning and sorting and organizing I felt the same thing... just it would be nice to take a break and have a little nap and it felt good. During my nap I could feel me coming up with some ideas about the poem. I'll grab my notebook here in a few and write it down and probably elaborate on the ideas. I know when I was organizing and figuring out what to purge... i noticed most of my time was sorting out my dads stuff which is still mixed in with the areas I'm in. When I got here I did a lot but I didn't finish it completely because it was just so much. And now that I'm doing it again I'm trying to do a more thorough job at it. But at the same time what all can I purge for him... Should he be purging his stuff? Well... he's got a lot more areas then just these two places to he'll have his opportunities. But he likes to try out his little building projects and I told him i'm going to change the area that I used as my studio into his. I want him to have space where he knows where all his tools are and spaces where he can work. I know I had done a little of this when I first got here and when I organized it... he would always come to me to ask where things were.... so I told him once I get all my stuff out he'll have to come in and figure out where he wants to place things so he won't have to be looking everywhere... he'll know where he placed it. I mentioned he has a project he's working on in the bedroom he stays now where theres a hot tub going under his bed. I said he should sleep in my bedroom too so he can really focus on taking care of the hot tub area without worrying about putting his bed up every night so he can sleep. He'll have a lot of time to get it ready for next winter. Pretty soon he'll have his little movie nights in the hot tub while it's warm out. But yeah since I'm focusing on a lot of his stuff it seems I get exhausted looking at my stuff. I've been doing it but also it may be a distraction technique to delay looking at my shit... lol. So i've been good at narrowing down my art supplies. I want to be able to travel light so I can't take most of it with me. But I do have my sewing equipment and fabrics and supplies here. I'm trying really hard not to leave my baggage behind. But I don't know if i'm ready to get rid of all these supplies. I've been doing a ton of sewing over the winter and it's been a great creative release. I found myself purchasing a portable sewing machine when I was in Peru last time. And I just ended up giving away the supplies and machine to people I met there. Is it just a lack mentality I still hold... I've been collecting these supplies for a long time. One of my sewing machines are my aunt's who had passed away. I don't really like the machine it doesn't work the way I'd like and I use another more. But I know if I have the urge to sew... nothing will seem to stop my from doing it... lol... I don't even mind hand sewing without machines... so it's not like these supplies aren't replaceable. Also I just wished I could find them homes of people who would really enjoy them. I'm doing the yard sale Saturday so I'll see who comes... well it's not a sale I just want to give the supplies to people who will enjoy them. If anything is left then I'll donate the rest. That's something else I saw I was doing differently last year when I was traveling Peru for 8 months. I knew I was mostly going to be in the jungle. But the first three months were in my dieta and in the center and village in the jungle, but I didn't realize I was going to be spending so much time in the city too. So I wanted different clothes so I just went and bought some used clothes that I liked. Tweaked some to fit me better. I ended up going to the mountains again where it's cooler... and again I just bought clothes that fit the climate. I always found ladies that liked my clothes and didn't have a problem taking them from me so I could travel lighter. I had a large suitcase filled with art supplies too that I gave to a large family with kids and young adults. I feel like I still have some of those "special" clothes that I want to keep with me. I've got a scarf that goes almost everywhere with me warm or cold. I've had for over 10 years and I just don't get tired of it. But for the most part I like variety when it comes to clothes. I keep hanging onto my clothes because I just don't know where I'm going to be going next. Will I need warm clothes or cold weather clothes? When I pack I pack for any weather... but when I'm there wherever I am I still find myself looking for fresh clothes... regardless if they're used... they're fresh to me and i enjoy that. Since I was there so long I did get a better idea of what's available and what's not... and for the most part everything is there. I have some bathing supplies I particularly like from the States, but I found suitable alternatives there too. So again my old programming is creeping up on me... and it's good to just let my thoughts run wild right now... it shows me that I don't have to continue to have the same mindset. I've learned a different way and I'm ok if I come back to my old ways, but maybe I can give my new way a chance. Especially since I don't have a stationary home to store belongings. When I get that then I can see about keeping stuff for special occasions. I still have ballroom gowns. I think they are beautiful and I love dancing in them, but I haven't went to a ballroom event for probably six years now and I don't expect to be going to one anytime soon. And if i do I'm sure i'll want to get a new dress anyway... lol... clean slate lol... I was listening to a tarot card reader earlier... actually after I got back from my first set of Aya ceremonies did I find tarot readers on youtube... lol... it's how I usually listen to others words... I look for what gives me direction... it's not usually an entire reading talking to me but there would usually be some positive encouragement and motivation that I will hear to help me out. I guess I do have to say that there is a lot of stuff that goes on around me during the day and not everything is giving messages, but I do find I'm getting better at picking out what does. I just go up from my nap and was just relaxing with my little buddy Elvis and turned on the reader and one of the comments that I heard was that this is a very important time for you... you might seem like it's going to take forever, but don't give up... not when you're at the finish line... lol... it was just funny because I was tired of working on my dad's stuff and then i didn't want to work on my stuff... sometimes that's what tarot is... kind of like a cheerleader... the people i listen to are very positive and also very spiritual... sometimes I find it hard to find people around me that are that way... so I can put them on in the background and again my ear will catch something that just puts me in a better mood. lol... actually there was a discussion on the forum asking where all the women went to on this forum... i guess there isn't too many of us participating. I read a few comments. and one guy was saying how most women aren't into raising their consciousness... most masters have been male anyway. I was chuckling at the responses... I didn't think i was going to comment but then I noticed it had stopped the messages anyway. But tarot would have been something i could mention where there are a lot of females who are very spiritual and raising their and others consciousness... yeah people can say that's too woo-woo... but there's infinite ways to lead us to spirituality and understanding. I'd say majority of the tarot community is feminine but I'm not sure... but at least say both the feminine and masculine are interested in spirituality. We just don't do it the same way as everyone else... we find our own ways. At least when I started experiencing some unusual things happening to me... it didn't seem so unusual to the tarot community. I don't talk to them directly but hearing them talk about it so casually helped me not to think i'm too crazy.... lol I just didn't grow hearing about these things so it wasn't common knowledge for myself. lol... most of my life i was an atheist so I didn't see it being any value in my life at the time. And if it shows that it isn't valuable anymore then I'm ok with that too. alright let's switch it to the poem... I've got a bunch of fragments written down and let's see if I can dive a little deeper and create something from them yet. puzzles/ logic games (i love the fact that it may seem so challenging and close to impossible but i also knew there was a solution... with dersire, time and determination I'd be able to find the solution...clues on where to begin... find the edge pieces and then group colors together... there was a cheat picture to help guide to complete the puzzle... don't force pieces to fit... the right piece is there you just have to look for it... if you don't find it right away... put your attention somewhere else for awhile and then all of a sudden that piece you were looking for jumps out at you. breaking the large image into smaller pieces... if you just focus on the smaller pieces you can't even decide if there's anything you are even able to piece together to create anything.... just looks like unusually shapes with random colors and shapes... you hunt around to find a partner to share one side... sometimes it feels like you've looked everywhere and that perfect piece just doesn't exist... but once you start to get a few of them together... oh yeah... i can see what that is now... existence actually started helping me fill in the pieces of what i was creating, but then removed the border pieces to release my potential without boundaries.) I have fragments and gaps... you with me puts the pieces together so I can get a clearer picture (I feel i can apply this to many areas of my life. I'll begin with my jobs throughout my life... I don't even know how many i've had at this point. they may not have seemed to be connected in any way except for me experiencing them. I love to learn skills... so i just thought it didn't really matter what I was learning... i just loved to learn... but i'm beginning to see the bigger picture of these skills preparing me for who I want to be... not only a learner but a teacher... create things that are inclusive. These skills i've gained has given me so much confidence that it's easy for me to apply to most jobs... the only thing that usually stops me is because of their qualifications... lol... if i get a chance to actually talk to them... the qualifications are usually ignored... lol... and once they see how i work... they want to include me in many aspects of the business.) (There are many things that interest me in art... i've been starting with a few because honestly i've been able to afford the supplies and equipment to develop them. When I was in the educational system I found myself with the opportunities of more creative endeavors and I couldn't help but try to get as much experience as possible with the supplies and equipment that wouldn't be available to me afterwards. After my first ceremonies... I was struck so hard by not knowing anything that I put all that I knew to the side. I didn't know if art was going to be a part of my life anymore. I didn't realize everything leads to this moment so i thought maybe i was just wasting my time... lol... but when existence brought art back into my life I was so grateful... I'm appreciating the process in a different way. and the way i'm learning about my style of shamanism... includes most of what i'm passionate about... so I'll always continue to be thankful) sensuous, sensual, art, dance, sewing, music, building 2dance2art (this is one of my email addresses I use... it began when I was running around the city of Indy teaching dance, teaching painting, and teaching after school art programs. In fact I had terrible eating habits because I'd literally eat gas station food or fast food in the car while i'm driving to the next destination... i was trying to have as many classes as possible to afford to work at things I love to do and pay the bills. I realized 2dance2art is also my desire to learn how to dance with the art of existence. To create a masterful partnership) learning not only to dance in the art I found, but what i created in the darkness i thought i had lost my opportunity to experience and appreciate you fully (this refers to when I thought i was going to die... that i wasn't going to return to the physical world any longer... but existence also gave me a choice... it wasn't forcing me to do anything against my will) you've been so patient with me (time and time again... existence waits patiently for me to be conscious... it's easy for me to understand in my ceremonies... and even in meditation when I'm just looking into the back of my eyelids... i can just be staring ahead thinking there's nothing there for me to see and then all of a sudden I see images and it's like they've been there the whole time but it's just waiting for me to observe them... time and time again this happens to me. The back of my eyelids feels like I'm getting better... I know it's there and just waiting so I do actively search... but not always do i see anything. But i feel like it's a skill i'm training myself to get better at. Also during ceremonies when I'm processing something I need help with to understand or purge... I can feel my own frustration... well...lol... last time i went on dieta I did hope I could address my frustration. I did not like how frustrated I got with others... of course that means I haven't been able to resolve it with myself yet...but actually since I've done this journal I've got a better idea of why i've been so reluctant in ceremonies to clear it. During ceremony... lol... frustration was being addressed... I was sitting with my body of closed up... i had my ankles crossed and my knees tucked up to my chin and my arms wrapped around my legs. I kept shaking my head... I felt like I was a little immature child refusing to change. I kept telling myself... this is just who I am... I've always been this way... Why can't people learn... why are they so slow... why don't they care... how can they be ok with settle for less? This is the first time I could relate to the term inner child.. my inner child was so stubborn... As this is going on I can hear my shaman singing his Icaros... I knew I was in ceremony... I knew this was an issue I wanted to resolve and I knew I had to look at it deeper... but it was strange to see and feel this reaction in ceremony... this was unusual to feel so adamant that I wasn't going to surrender to infinite intelligence's guidance... lol.. so there's another part of me talking to the inner child... hey there... come on now... you know this isn't serving us anymore... we specifically wanted to look at your frustration... you don't like this part of you and we need to get a better understanding to heal this... first thing I did was try to open my body up... lol... I know if you physically open your body up you're helping break down the wall that's being built to the situation... so i'm trying to use my hands to pry my other hands off my legs and push my legs down and just open up spread eagle and layed on my back and just open up as much as I could and just focus on my breathing for awhile to calm my mind... long yogic breaths. I knew I've been hard on myself on the rate of learning... it's really weird because most of my life I learn quickly and easily compared to the people around me. But for some reason it's as if I was mad that I had to learn at all... why didn't I already know it? During the ceremony the first step is to gain my awareness that this issue was deeply ingrained into my psyche. Even though I wanted to work on this area.... I saw that side of me who wasn't ready to let it go... the first time I saw that actually... I thought it would be just easy to see what I needed to do. But it wasn't until gaining clarity through this journal process am I understanding that there are degrees of consciousness. When new situations are being introduced in my experience i'm at a certain state to respond only to the extent of my experience with this newness... which is nothing... lol... so of course you can't look back at yourself once you've developed experience and gained more consciousness and just sit there and judge and ridicule yourself for not knowing... well obviously you can since I've been doing it my entire life... but now I've reached a level of consciousness where I'm more conscious than ever before and I was silly to do that to myself and the better I get for forgiving how unconscious I was the more I'll be able to give love and patience to others. This state I'm in... gives "conscious" a whole entirely new level of what it is to be conscious... lol) when i wasn't ready to lead you stepped in to guide me (well... let's see first I let my influencers guide me... then I wanted to lead but I didn't realize how unconscious I was... I was led to look for an understanding to spirituality and that's when I learned I didn't know anything so I didn't want to lead... I wanted to surrender and just follow and be guided... We know I'm more conscious, but still I'm learning how to lead and so of course I'll continue to receive guidance. And I already know you've got my back always. There's that dance again... I want to be able to lead and follow and flow with existence) I was afraid to follow but once i learned to surrender; the journey you took me on was more than I could have imagined (I didn't realize what creativity was. i didn't know what intelligence was. i didn't know what unconditional love was.... holy shit! how is it all possible? Still it's amazing... existence is amazing! I don't have words to describe how impressive existence is... but I'm going to continue to discover and become by example in this existence with you which will be an infinite journey... and I'm so thankful to what my consciousness has become) you trust me and encourage me that I can lead as well... your guidance shows that I can guide with love and patience as well you aren't just surrounding me but you are within me (i originally thought existence was this physical world around me that i'm getting to sense and experience in it. it's just so much more so much more dynamic... logically i want to define it and explain it but I know this to be impossible... how can i dance to the art of existence it seems so deeply personal as if all your attention is on me... but while all along existence is dancing with the entire universe in the same intense intimacy... because existence knows everything about the universe knows exactly what the dancers need to do to realize themselves to their fullest... how to align us to interact at the perfect time not only for the sake of the now but for the sake of the future evolution of existence. Again existence isn't something out there moving us around... it is us and it's moving us... it knows when we are going to be hesitant or even blind... it knows how unconscious we can be... to every imaginable and far beyond imagination.) not only are we the artist but we are the art (we are existence there is no separation... existence is the artist creating it's art... observes the art and then becomes the artist and continues and continues and it's not a cause and effect it's happening simultaneously. How is this possible... how can existence be so powerful? how can we be so powerful? How can we be so powerful and not know it? How can it feel like it's our first time experiencing anything?) not only are we the lead and follow of ourselves but we are the lead and follow of our surroundings we compliment and create the music i hear from you I explore myself and it wants to move and express the music you're leading me towards (the music I hear can be from nature... I love listening to the insects with their buzzing... the background noise that can be ignored so easily... but it's so powerful... i feel like they have a connection to existence without questions... i don't know that but I feel they don't ask why they are doing what they are guided to do...they just know without questions and doubt... they are so crucial for this beautiful physical world we get the chance to experience... yet many of us see the insects as insignificant and a bother... i wish to know their intelligence more. When I hear them during ceremony they have their own style of Icaros. And they are always singing and encouraging their surroundings... they given me encouragement and I want to gain more appreciation for their existence and I don't want them to think I'm going to ignore their significance. Nature's music is so beautiful... the ocean, the wind, the birds, the fire crackling.... one of my favorite sounds is when I'm on a river or pond that doesn't have much current and there's a bird who opens up their wings to slow their velocity to submerge their legs and body onto the surface of the water... those combinations of sounds is so satisfying... it's music to my ears... I look forward to that every chance i get) (I love to dance to music if that hasn't been clear already... and i'm open to all styles of music... and in any given situation i'll find my body able to connect and vibe with the style of music being played. not all the time but majority of the time. for most of my life I didn't even really focus on the lyrics... still today there are only a few songs that I know the lyrics to and that's just because I started singing karaoke so I needed a few songs on my list to sing... lol.. the music is what i feel strongly connected to... i guess it's the verbal-nonverbal thing i noticed. As I get better with the verbal the more likely I'll get better with lyrics too maybe... lol) i will learn to create music with you (This is happening... the nonprofit that I wanted to begin is withinUverse Awakens... after my awakening I also started to draw a logo which i thought was going to be for my shaman's center... wasn't... it was for me... all the symbolism I was using was very personal to my vision of the nonprofit. But I also realized just like the 2dance2art thing that there was another meaning behind the word withinUverse Awakens... not only is it the point you are conscious you are so much more then a human surviving this physical world, but you are the Universe you are existence and you are not separate and you are infinite... but also I see it... when you get that understanding your authentic voice will awakens as well. Specifically for me I'm learning how to develop my own style of Icaros for ceremony. With me I see my style of Icaros is not just singing, but I play rhythms with my body and objects around me... I feel like when I get more experience with instruments they'll become a part of it too... but I see even my drawings and paintings are starting to become a form of Icaros too.... within you... verse... awakens. you aren't necessarily repeating what you've been conditioned while you were unconscious... you're being guided to express authentically with existence. So I haven't had any formal training in singing but I figured I can start by singing karaoke to start getting comfortable singing in general... I sing in my car and in the shower type thing as well... I've got members of my family that sing like angels so i know I can stop blocking myself. During ceremony I surprise myself of how much my range can reach with very low or deep tones to high tones... in ceremony i allow myself to be a vessel so I just go with it without thinking too hard just feels natural... I'm still figuring out my style and it's funny how drastically different my Icaros sounds... from opera to clicks and like beatbox and chanting... lol... it's a ton of fun! When there's another shaman singing Icaros at first it seemed like my Icaros was so different that they weren't really working together... but I could see that they were getting better regardless of the differences... i've been finding myself at live music events that i start clapping and doing the Samoan sa'sa-ish mostly just my hand with different sounds not my whole body... but i'm complimenting them with the rhythm I hear. There was one night in Cusco where I just let myself go because I was enjoying the music so much and getting the crowd dancing...i'm pretty good hype man sometimes... but i started doing the complimentary rhythm... it was pretty damn good... if i do say so myself... lol So i did learn a little piano and flute when I was in elementary. My dad's wife at the time had these instruments when she was a child so she had me give it a go too. The separated my 7th grad year and I haven't had really an opportunity to have instruments handy to practice on. I did get gifted two guitars once but that was right before I was planning to move to the mountains and I didn't even have a place to stay yet so I ended up gifting them to people who were important to me who played. One of them I overheard he used to play but hadn't for a long time... so i thought he could rekindle his long-lost passion if he wanted to. But I've been in situations where people bring their instruments and I know I can pick it up if one i just get out of my own way and two I had access to practice... so i know that's coming up for me too) language (this is a bit tricky I could go different directions with this, but the most rewarding insight I gained from existence about language has to come from ceremony... it doesn't really seem like we need to speak the same language outside of ceremony to be able to understand inside ceremony... it's like we can understand the intension. Like i've mentioned before I speak a language I haven't heard of... honestly there's many languages I haven't heard of... but it's unusual. There was one shaman who said she thinks its an ancient snake language... I haven't heard anything like that since but it does still remain in the back of my mind in case I run into others who might understand the language I speak... but truthfully I don't need to label it to be able to be confident using it in ceremony... because it's just how I speak... I can speak in english and spanish too at times... but it feels so right to speak it and again the intensions seem more important the words being understood. Maybe the words can be misinterpreted because some don't understand the symbolism of words.) perfectly imperfect because why not there's no hurry it's always a journey of discovery and you know that's what I live for (Everything is perfect in all existence... and yet when you speak with another human... we see there are things to fix and change so it's described as imperfect. And this desire to learn... is that why i'm experiencing physical reality? If I was omniscient like existence would I have the desire to be in the physical... if I didn't exclude myself at first would I choose to be a physical? experiencing infinite shows time as only now... because whatever time you put yourself on infinity it's always the middle there's infinite ahead and behind and any in-between... so I experienced there is no finality so there's no rushing necessary... lol... we don't have anywhere to go or become quickly or slowly... all we have is time or another sense no time... however you want to see it, but is it that desire to discover and learn? Is that what got me here? To be nonphysical I couldn't experience, or sense could i? So what would that feel like? I'd have to choose to become physical and once i chose then I also chose to not know anything so I can learn... i'd think its much more fun to learn then to know it all... lol... and maybe that's just because i'm at the conscious level I am right now... Maybe i'm learning that being nonphysical is just as fun if not more than physical. Maybe we've created this thing against death to be more conscious of the greatness we get the chance to experience as a physical but that it shouldn't actually be feared to die either... because when you can experience the physical fully... our nonphysical will be a consciouness that allows you to become omnipotent. But again this line of thought is separating the physical and nonphysical which doesn't exist in existence... lol... and i'm curious to see how much nonphysical i can experience while physical... it's happening but can i be even more conscious of it... i'm going to say yes) you know me so absolutely it was a game of cooperation not competition game of chess we decided to remove the queen mastermind to see the pattern boggle euchre earth, water, wind, and fire you were so vast and in the background all the time. I didn't know you wanted me to engage to the fullest of who we are my memory had you always there... why would you care about insignificant me i saw you but unconsciously... i assumed you were unconsciously observing me too Ok... I think that's a good stopping point for tonight. It's getting late and I want some rest. I'll continue elaborating on the bullet points tomorrow... maybe... lol... we'll just have to see... sometimes things change

There are certain situations, despite however 'awakened' you are, when you may confront an unknown, potentially dangerous situation, and especially if carrying a responsibility for others near you, that fear may arise as a aspect of the total situation with which to inform your decision. If fear is present, then simply tally it with the other data that you have.

Hey, ya'll, I need your help! I want to create a comprehensive list of video examples of prototypical stage Beige thinking. This is not meant to humiliate or demonize stage Beige. It's meant to be an educational tool for people learning about Spiral Dynamics. So towards that end, scour the internet and find all the videos you can which exhibit stage Beige thinking. Try to find videos which are short and sweet. The more diversity we can display here, the better. Try to find examples from various cultures: Europe, Middle East, Asia, Indonesia, Japan, Russia, Africa, South America, etc. We will create a mega-thread like this for every stage in the Spiral, from Red to Turquoise. But here, let's just focus on Beige. Each week I will start a new mega-thread topic for the next stage. Do not start a political debate in this thread! It is not our goal here to defend our personal political positions or to judge any stage, but simply to compile examples. Thanks for your help! I'm excited to see what kind of juicy stuff you dig up. Try to be selective with your choices. This can turn into a really cool list. Stage Beige Values & Characteristics: Food, water, warmth, shelter, sex, and safety have priority Meeting one's base physiological needs Use instincts and habits just to survive Distinct self is barely awakened or sustained, little awareness of self as a distinct being (undifferentiated) Ego/'I'/Sense of self has yet to emerge Forms into survival bands to perpetuate life Simply make it through the day/night Entities exist as biological units Lives 'off the land' much as other animals Automatic, autistic, reflexive Centers around satisfaction of human biological needs Driven by deep brain programs, instincts, and genetics Minimal impact on or control over environment Stage Beige Examples: The first peoples, ancient nomadic peoples, newborn infants, senile elderly, late-stage Alzheimer's victims, mentally ill street people, the homeless, homeless tent encampments, starving masses, bad drug trips, and 'shell shock' (Severe PTSD), Described in anthropological fiction like Jean Auel's Clan of the Cave Bea