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Bro. I hope you are doing better now 😇 What is the main take-away from what I said about myself? It is, that, for you, you also got caught up with some sorts of fights you picked up (i.e.: Need to get specific degree, monetize a specific way, get a degree in this institution, during this timeframe imposed by them), but in your case, you have the formal education system stealing from you the ability to change organically, it gave you an artificial deadline of when you must finish pursuing this path. I felt like that before when I got mentally caught up about some long distance relationship, and she imposed some weird deadlines on me. It fucked up with my mental health and self-steam badly. I did things in a rushed kind of way, only envisioning the deadline. Took risks in the crypto market. Didn't learn anything that would go beyond that 1-year time horizon. But when it comes to general mental health, I'm doing okay, my most pressing issue is to literally just have enough money to move out of my parent's home and have some social life at the same time I have time to keep pursuing whatever I want to pursue next. When it comes to actually making the most money possible, unless you have horrible self-organization skills, it's entrepreneurship. Although, the kind of risk it carries is that somebody just won't figure out how to put the pieces together (Leads/Traffic, Sales/Copywriting, Product/Service), and it's less "risky" to just plug into an existing company. The problem is that going the formal route of working for a company or being in the formal education system, is that, at least the way I see it, is that it will give you less creative freedom, and the less freedom of how you can spend your time, it just solidifies you further into their system with their own arbitrary rules that are meant for the good of their institution/business. I mean, just think how it did lead you to consider suicide their arbitrary rule of not repeating more than 3 times. That's very dehumanizing, being under the control of those systems, although, if we play it right, we will get presumably a certain path ahead to financial success. But fundamentally, that certainty mostly comes because someone is able to simply develop discipline to develop valuable skills, and the employers scoop them up, and re-deliver on those skills back to the market where they already hold a position. I guess, we have to come to acceptance of the level of discipline and kind of cognitive footprint/personality we have right now and scale accordingly, and not lose momentum, otherwise, like it happened to you, it can lead us, towards terrible mental states (to say the least). Don't let it drag you down, keep looking for the next goal-post. You will figure out the monetization. You can figure out even another profession altogether that will pay EVEN better and FASTER, but is less mentally taxing/requires less precise symbolic manipulation. Remember that keeping a Purpose is mostly about keeping being like Sisyphus, pushing that rock up the mountain. It's there to keep his character in order. It's not so much about the rock, but... Sisyphus... just LOVES pushing it up there. Look at him go. The monetization part: You just didn't do enough research. In actuality, the potential of making money through the default path is capped, and the career development is slow as hell. The maximum possible overall is not through there. It just matters that you guarantee some income enough to keep researching and trying alternatives, at the same time it gives you a dating life.

Week 1 Hours this week: 22 Hours total: 22 Not that many hours regarding the fact that I'm still unemployed. But I'd like to keep this tempo even when I'll get a job. I've been practicing focusing on emotions for around 5 last years or more because I had intense emotions that didn't let me to focus on anything else and now I have switched to self-inquiry. It feels very confusing, I'm used to focus and in self-inquiry you don't really have an object to focus on so it makes me feel weird. During self-inquiry my mind wanders more than when I focus on an object. I'm not sure if I'll keep doing self-inquiry or switch to focusing, for some time I'll stick to self-inquiry and see where it goes. I practice in 1 hour intervals and don't do SDS anymore. On Wednesday I meditated 0 hours. Apathy backfired after the first two days and I spent the day laying on the couch, surfing a suicide forum and considering suicide. I just felt like my apathy is hopeless and nothing good awaits me in the future. But the next day I woke up and everything was fine. I'd like to make a couple of commitments: NoFap. I have low libido because of a neuroleptic so I can stop jerking off for possibly unlimited amount of time. I did it before for around two weeks and didn't feel a thing. So I'll commit to not fapping. Not moving during meditation. I move a little too much and I need to stop it.

One thing that bothers me about spirituality in these mental health centers is that truth is treated as secondary. Practicality is treated as more important than truth. Many of these people tell me they would rather believe in a lie and be happy than believe in something true and be miserable. This is the kind of attitude my family takes with truth. I am not the kind of person who resonates with this attitude. All my life I felt that should avoid self deception where ever I can even if it hurts. Meanwhile the other patients think I'm a spiritual genius with profound insights. I have repeatedly helped patients restore faith in God and saved them from suicide. I am able to apply everything I learned from spirituality to group discussions and Bible studies. They think I should be the one teaching spirituality and not the delusional guy who keeps giving lectures on the mind, body, soul, and spirit based on his life experience.

@Xonas Pitfall This is the kind of advice that leads people to suicide. If you went to Buddha with a bag of LSD tabs, he’d slap you. Recently, psychedelics have become the "magic pill" for spiritual enlightenment. Just like cheap TV ads that promote a gimmick to "lose weight" by vibrating your belly, your advice is just a more conscious reflection of that, a magic pill. You can’t go around telling people to take 200 trips because you’re not considering the psychological damage and potential death that can result. You lack the research in fields like psychology, trauma, and holistic healing. Telling people to take 200 trips without any disclaimer is reckless advice. It's dangerous. Terrence McKenna’s brother once said: "Psychedelics are like a biologist’s microscope. The biologist doesn’t sit with his eyes glued to the microscope 24/7. He looks through it briefly, then returns to start the real research." Once you get the message, hang up the phone. Solipsism is stupid because it states that all is mind. Like when you die the" whole universe dies". Or when you turn your head you can't be sure that reality exist behind you. Utter nonsense. After I die the universe doesn't go anywhere, only "my" univers stops existing, or better said, my experience, or my perspective of the univers.

True solipsism means killing yourself isn't an option If you went down that path you were pushed there by "the other" It's tough but true solipsism is terrifying compared to the idea of killing yourself or trying to, literally everything is a hallucination, the work becomes a little different then. I feel like you have a hang-up getting to your solipsism that's causing this suicidal ideation, just my two cents Worth revisiting for sure, if you're suicidal you aren't tuning into your trip/solipsism the full way, or getting scared off/backed down by something I have considered doing something stupid like hanging myself or looked at a ten strip of double dosed tabs and considered eating it in a rushed panicked frenzy to properly battle demons while trying to integrate solipsism, I have tossed my belongings all over my room, both times I had failed... I looked to another asides the solipsism y'see we have hang ups and guilt before we have God lol A suicidal person will consider killing themselves before they reach a solipsistic awakening, or after they reach an incomplete form of solipsism, ime You can also think of it like suicide "solves/answers" something, there is no answer or solution in solipsism You need to confront your suicidal ideation before your solipsism or just fuck it and confront the solipsism and whatever comes up ;)! Hope this helps and let me promise - your solipsism does not want your physical death

@Hojo You love Ad-Hominem. You think you're soo selfless and woke, just like the rest of the hippies I've met. Anyone who doesn't care about what is happening in the world right now, but claims he is searching for truth, is nothing more that just a Green Spiritual Ego. "Peace just for me, bliss just for me, I'm the selfless of then all, and I care only for truth". Your truth is nothing more that spiritual narcissism and feelings more selfless than other. Joy just for you, not helping to reduce suffering in the world. You think you so woke because you write "truth" 5 times in 3 sentences. People who think the teachings of Sartre, Schopenhauer, Jung, Nietzsche and Camus are beneath them, just pump there Ego to feel superior. Sartre, Schopenhauer, Jung, Nietzsche and Camus saved the lives of millions of people from suicide and doubt. This is why people who think they are above them miss the essence completely. People who are tripping on Acid yet the have done jack shit for society are judging people who saved millions of lives and reduce suffering for hundreds of millions. This is just green bs.

What does a Solipsist thinks about that? Can a Solipsist kill himself?

Who wants to show their intimate stuff to the world? To their family members and (future) children? Many of them had to do porn because they wanted money. Many of them committed suicide and nobody knows them or talks about them. Many others do enjoy doing porn.

I cannot tune down the crazy talk, because I dont want to tell lies. Yes, Leo, your teachings helped me to achieve the insanity and Ill be forever grateful. Your teachings helped me to Actualize Myself. I can choose what I want to believe because your way of teaching reached me. At first I was curious, then I was amazed by your bravery exploring taboo ideas and ways. And Yes You are so honest in your videos, I owe Everything to You. You question everything - i love how daring and authentic you are. Its like the videos are made for me alone? Am I alone? Oh no! Oh, such a relief? Am I even real? Should I test reality? What if everything I ever believed was lies? Maybe I am just a projection? I feel real, as we all do, but Am I real? How would I know? Why I dont remember anything from early childhood? Maybe I have implanted memories and everything is just a code, am i a selfhating robot? Am i an NPC? Why? Would i choose to be that? hell no! so why god why? But why the world seems to revolve around me so much? Why if Im creative enough I can imagine Everything being Perfectly in order although it looks like chaos. Why I fear death? Leo told me to rely on personal empiric experiences to gain knowledge. Ok , I should test it yes? Ok, real talk. You could test it but im sure something will go wrong and you wont succeed in scientific method. Philosophy stands much higher than science. I can say that I would never try to commit suicide. Not because i could die, no, I ve gained enough evidence from Leos teachings that I dont want my Maya to shatter this world. Of course maya protects us by giving such Real fear of the one thing which is impossible... She has your best interests in mind, dont worry. I dont ever know what you really answer to these messages because Im only getting Mayas futile attempts to keep me real by everyone seeing me as a crazy mental madman. I accept that title with honor. I its still a long way up ahead and its gonna be even more 'insane'. I prayed the god to decide where to lead me and only to be gentle,in my wildest dreams ive never expected that I prayed for insanity, but im gratefull. I achieved it. Fully insane. And lovin' it!

I don't think the word "genocide" is the most accurate, I would rather say it was an extermination. I know the history of the Spanish conquistadors quite well, and there was no deliberate or even centralized plan to exterminate the natives, although in many cases it happened due to viruses, wars, marginalization of the indigenous people, which led them to not reproduce or commit suicide, etc.

I am posting some Quora answers here : Answer to What are the secrets of the porn industry? by Anonymous https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-secrets-of-the-porn-industry/answers/2391894?ch=15&oid=2391894&share=2fdbfe49&srid=3Eqnuv&target_type=answer •••• MY REAL QUESTION IS THIS : WHY IS THERE SO MUCH VIOLENCE, TORCHURE AND ABUSE....THINGS WHICH WE DON'T SEE ON SCREEN...? EVEN I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY KIND OF VIOLENCE OR BEATINGS BECAUSE MAYBE....I HAVEN'T VISITED THAT PART OF PORN YET. I DON'T LIKE SUCH THINGS... When I searched BDSM...all thumbnails were disgusting.....I am only seeing chains and slavery there. But I am not talking about normal BDSM or beatings...I am talking about the horrible points written here. Like torn vaginas...and anuses....etc. Why these things happen, what's the problem with normal sex or normal BDSM?? I think people are sadists. That's why... Also note that many have committed suicide in porn industry. It seems like most of them are suffering too much here. Is constant drugging so important to create porn? •••• Other answers: Answer to What is the ugly truth of the porn industry? by KISHAN https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-ugly-truth-of-the-porn-industry/answer/KISHAN-391?ch=15&oid=213347894&share=0b12685c&srid=3Eqnuv&target_type=answer •••• Answer to What makes a person want to choose porn as a career? by Blue Rezz https://www.quora.com/What-makes-a-person-want-to-choose-porn-as-a-career/answer/Blue-Rezz?ch=15&oid=340862053&share=e7a15adb&srid=3Eqnuv&target_type=answer

I don't wanna sleep so I'll write some more... In my previous journal I mentioned that I started using antidepressant mirtazapine. I went on 30 mg dose and kept taking it for a year. I was aimlessly walking in the neighborhood before and mirtazapine let me get a job and commit to doing music. After a year I developed tolerance to it so I stopped taking it. It took me around four months to taper it off. First half of a pill was easy and took just a week but if I decreased more than that I'd just lose sleep. I had to slowly go down to 1/8 of a pill before I was able to quit completely. I'm a hell of an addict to everything but everything turned out to be fine with the antidepressant, I never overused it. I've read a bit of my previous posts here and dammit, how much have changed since then. I don't really get depressed anymore, I guess meditation and exercise did it for me and probably mirtazapine also is responsible for that. But here is the surprise... One of the side effects of mirtazapine mentioned in Russian wiki is "worsening of the paranoid syndrome". Either mirtazapine is the cause of my schizophrenia or it triggered my genetic predisposition to it. I had multiple fleeting and subclinical cases of paranoia while I was on it. But the first full-blown psychosis started more than half a year after quitting the antidepressant. It seems to me that the main trigger for psychosis is having a job: working 9 hours a day five days a week sets my brain in enough stress to start generating delusions. All three times that I had psychosis I had a job. The only thing that makes me depressed lately is neuroleptics, especially withdrawals from them, it's really, REALLY bad. On withdrawals from just a month or two on cariprazine and risperidone (separately) I was so depressed I ended up researching suicide methods in the internet. I also tried guitar cable on my neck with the tears on my eyes. But it passes in a month or quicker. It's possible that I have delusional disorder rather than schizophrenia because I don't have all symptoms of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia has two clusters of symptoms, they're called positive and negative. Positive are delusions, hallucinations and thinking disorders, negative are apathy, anhedonia, alogia, avolition. I only have delusions and this is it, at least before zuclopenthixol. But anyways the treatment is neuroleptics and I'm not sure if you really should distinguish these two diagnoses. State psychiatry is really shitty in Russia. Do you know how they diagnose schizophrenia? A nurse comes to you and asks "how can I help?", if your response looks hostile to them they set the schizo diagnosis. This is it, nobody talks to you anymore. The doctors check 60-70 patients once in a week just a minute or two on each in one go. I got "lucky" that I actually am schizophrenic but I have seen people there who got the schizo diagnosis without symptoms, and not once. I will write more about what happened during psychoses and psych yard in my later posts.

I don't see it as a form of unconditional love. It's definitely SUPER conditional. But it's not conditioned primarily upon specific objective qualities. It's conditioned on him being precisely who he is. It's more about an appreciation of the whole gestalt of his personality and who he is as a unique living breathing feeling human being. I would call it hyper-subjectificaton where that one guy becomes like a demi-god in a woman's eyes. And that's true even if he doesn't possess objectively attractive or positive qualities. And yes, that can be a huge issue. This tendency has a pretty self-destructive side to it if a woman doesn't get ruthlessly picky about who she allows to get close to her. Once a woman has her heart set on a particular man and she gets attached, boundaries can be difficult. This is why it's important to integrate the Masculine side, which is to set clear boundaries and standards for the men she spends time with... lest she be struck by Cupid's arrow for a man who will drag down the quality of her life. So, it's SO important to have solid deal breakers and to be able to protect your boundaries as a woman because these feelings put you in a vulnerable position. And that's especially true if you're young and inexperienced. Like back when I was between age 16 and 20, I had no boundaries because I thought boundaries were wrong to have. I thought that I would be a bitch if I had any boundaries, and that was a huge fear for me at the time. When I was 16, I fell in love with my first boyfriend who was 17. And we were together for 4 years. And he had some redeeming qualities. But he was mostly a mess of a guy who was going nowhere in his life. And I lived with him, his mom, and his sister in my junior and senior year of high school before I went to college. And he was very chaotic and would frequently threaten to commit suicide... often as a means to control me or evoke certain reactions from me. And he was also in and out of jail for petty crimes. And life was very stressful with him because he was super unreliable and irresponsible. But I had this deeply held belief that "If I love him, I should be willing to support him and stick with him through anything." And he didn't have much of anything going for him, but I had this deep value of loyalty where I would sacrifice myself for him again and again and again. And I kept trying to act as an almost motherly figure to him because his life had been very traumatic and neither of his parents had ever given him any nurturing. His mom was an alcoholic and was a decent person but very rough and tough. He also witnessed his older brother having hung himself when he was 12. And his dad even tried to shoot him at the request of a hooker he had brought home when my ex-bf we was 14. (Side note: His dad also enlisted the help of a drug dealer to try to steal our van by pretending like he was being held for ransom unless my ex-bf would sign the title over. And a few months before he and I got together, my ex-bf was seeing a girl who was also 17 like he was. And he took her to Tampa with him for a week to stay with his dad. And his dad started giving her (a 17yo) crack in exchange for sex. I could go on and on about his dad and how terrible he is.) So, when he and I got together, I was trying EXTRA hard to compensate for all of his pain by being as loving and nurturing as possible. And I was endlessly enabling. But one night, when I was 20, he went full-blown homicidal with me and started threatening to kill me and himself. And he was leading me around by the pedestrian walking area downtown at 3am and holding a broken beer bottle to my throat for about an hour as we walked and he was threatening to cut me and also to snap my neck. And he led me to the fort that's in the same area and was holding me next to a high ledge near the for with a 10-15 ft drop and threatening to push me off and asking me if I trust him or not. Funny enough, I wasn't too too scared... because he never went through with anything he ever said he was going to do. And he'd never been violent with me before. It was just sad and traumatic. Needless to say, I had to break with that value and end it. And it was a painful but important lesson to learn that I needed to grow some claws. Then when I finally severed the tie, I didn't really have a support system. And out of loneliness, I started spending time around guy who was about a decade older than me, and I had started to catch feelings for him. And he had all sorts of issues with heavy drugs. And he'd lost custody of his kid. And he was showing so many abuse red flags just in a few week's span of time. And I could sense with those hyper-subjectifying feelings that were kicking in that I was going out of the frying pan and into the fire. So because I was very alone in the world at that time, I deliberately went out and found another random guy to spend time around that I was generically attracted to that wasn't as chaotic. It was a crazy time with many lessons. And one of them is that you have to be super picky about the guys you spend time with BEFORE those feelings fully set in.

The "Western masculinity crisis" is a term used to describe the perceived dislocation, transformation, or confusion regarding traditional masculine roles and identities in contemporary Western societies. This phenomenon has emerged as a result of significant cultural, economic, and social changes over the last few decades, which have challenged long-established ideas about what it means to be a man. This perceived crisis is multifaceted, involving shifts in gender roles, economic restructuring, cultural changes, mental health challenges, and shifting expectations within personal and professional relationships. 1. Changing Gender Roles and Expectations One of the key aspects of the masculinity crisis in the West is the transformation of gender roles. Over the past several decades, the feminist movement, growing gender equality, and greater societal acceptance of diverse gender identities have significantly altered the roles traditionally assigned to men and women. Feminism and Gender Equality: Since the rise of second-wave feminism in the 1960s and 1970s, Western societies have experienced profound shifts in gender dynamics. Women have gained more rights, entered the workforce in large numbers, and increasingly share responsibilities for earning income and managing households. This has challenged the traditional male role as the primary breadwinner, leading some men to question their place in society and their personal relationships. Evolving Masculine Expectations: Traditional masculine traits such as toughness, stoicism, dominance, and emotional restraint are increasingly seen as restrictive or harmful, both to men and society at large. As gender equality has advanced, new expectations have emerged for men to be emotionally open, nurturing, and collaborative. Many men have struggled with these new expectations, especially when they contradict traditional gender norms they were raised with. Erosion of Traditional Male Dominance: In many Western societies, men no longer enjoy the same unchallenged dominance in the political, economic, and social arenas. While some men have embraced these changes and adapted to more egalitarian gender roles, others feel displaced, unsure of their value or their role in a world that no longer centers their experiences and perspectives. 2. Economic Changes and the Decline of Traditional Male-Dominated Industries The Western masculinity crisis is closely tied to the economic restructuring that has taken place over the past several decades, particularly the decline of manufacturing and other traditionally male-dominated industries. Deindustrialization and Job Loss: One of the major drivers of the masculinity crisis is the loss of manufacturing jobs and the decline of other traditionally male-dominated industries, such as mining, construction, and transportation. These jobs provided economic security and a clear social role for many working-class men, especially in industrialized regions of the U.S., the U.K., and Western Europe. Globalization, automation, and the transition to a service- and knowledge-based economy have reduced the number of well-paid, stable blue-collar jobs, leaving many men economically insecure and uncertain about their future. Shift to Service and Knowledge Economies: The rise of the service and knowledge economies has favored skills such as communication, collaboration, and emotional intelligence, which are not always aligned with traditional masculine values of physical strength and independence. As women have entered the workforce and excelled in these fields, men who were once dominant in the labor market may feel left behind or unable to compete in the new economy. This shift has led to a significant sense of loss for many men whose identities were closely tied to their jobs and their role as providers. Economic Insecurity: The financial pressures and insecurities that many men face as a result of these economic changes contribute to the broader masculinity crisis. Men who were raised with the expectation that they would be the primary breadwinners often struggle to redefine their roles in families where both partners may work, or where a woman may out-earn her male partner. 3. Cultural Shifts and the Erosion of Traditional Masculinity In Western societies, there has been a cultural shift away from traditional masculine ideals, which are increasingly critiqued as limiting or harmful. This has given rise to concepts such as "toxic masculinity" and has led to an evolving understanding of gender roles and expectations. Toxic Masculinity: The term "toxic masculinity" has become a central part of discussions surrounding the masculinity crisis. It refers to a cultural ideal of manhood that emphasizes aggressive, emotionally stunted, and sometimes violent behavior, while discouraging vulnerability and emotional expression. Although the term is meant to critique damaging behaviors that harm both men and society, some men perceive it as an attack on masculinity itself, leading to confusion, resentment, or resistance. Redefining Masculinity: As society shifts towards more progressive views on gender, traditional masculine ideals are being questioned and redefined. There is a growing recognition that men, like women, can embrace a broader range of traits, such as sensitivity, empathy, and vulnerability. However, many men who were socialized to conform to more rigid masculine ideals may find it difficult to reconcile these changes with their sense of identity. Media Representation and Popular Culture: Media and popular culture have also played a role in the masculinity crisis. While older portrayals of masculinity often glorified strength, stoicism, and dominance, more recent representations have offered alternative models, including more emotionally complex or vulnerable male characters. This has created a more diverse landscape of male identity in media, but also confusion for some men who see these newer representations as conflicting with their internalized views of masculinity. 4. Mental Health and Emotional Well-Being The masculinity crisis has significant implications for men’s mental health. As traditional masculine norms discourage emotional expression, many men face challenges when dealing with feelings of inadequacy, loss, or vulnerability. Emotional Isolation: Traditional masculine norms often dictate that men should be stoic, self-reliant, and emotionally restrained. This emotional isolation can make it difficult for men to express their feelings, seek help when they are struggling, or form deep emotional connections with others. As societal expectations around emotional openness change, some men may struggle to adjust to the new norm, feeling alienated or confused about how to express their emotions in a healthy way. Depression, Anxiety, and Suicide: Mental health issues are particularly acute in the context of the masculinity crisis. Men are statistically less likely to seek help for mental health problems and are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety. In many Western countries, men are significantly more likely to die by suicide than women. The masculinity crisis exacerbates this issue, as men may feel unable to express vulnerability or access support networks due to the pressures of conforming to traditional masculine ideals. Substance Abuse and Self-Destructive Behavior: As a result of unaddressed emotional issues and economic pressures, many men turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol, drugs, or other forms of self-destructive behavior. These behaviors can further compound the sense of crisis and reinforce a cycle of isolation and emotional suppression. 5. Shifting Dynamics in Relationships and Family Life One of the key areas where the masculinity crisis manifests is in personal relationships and family life. As gender roles evolve, so do expectations within marriages, partnerships, and parenting. Changing Family Structures: The traditional nuclear family, where the man is the primary breadwinner and the woman is the homemaker, has become less common in many Western societies. Men are increasingly expected to participate in domestic labor and childcare, which contrasts with the traditional masculine ideal of being a provider. Many men are learning to navigate these new roles, but some struggle to adapt, feeling that their masculinity is undermined by these changing expectations. Egalitarian Relationships: In many modern relationships, women expect to be equal partners, both financially and emotionally. This shift has created tension for some men who were raised with more traditional gender expectations. The pressure to balance new responsibilities at home while maintaining traditional masculine traits, such as emotional stoicism and career success, can create confusion and stress in relationships. Decline in Marriage Rates: There has also been a decline in marriage rates and an increase in the average age of marriage in many Western countries. Some men feel disconnected from modern dating dynamics and struggle to form stable relationships, which can compound feelings of inadequacy or failure in a society that still often ties male success to family life. 6. Backlash Movements and Resistance to Change In response to these profound societal changes, some men have organized around movements that resist these shifts and seek to reassert traditional masculine values. These movements can be seen as part of a broader backlash against feminism and gender equality. Men’s Rights Movement (MRM): The men’s rights movement is an example of a backlash movement that argues men have been unfairly marginalized by modern gender politics. MRM activists often focus on issues such as family law (particularly child custody), male mental health, and what they see as societal double standards that disadvantage men. Some segments of the movement adopt anti-feminist and reactionary stances, framing feminism as responsible for the perceived devaluation of men and masculinity. Red Pill Communities: The "Red Pill" subculture, which takes its name from a metaphor in the movie The Matrix, claims to reveal the "truth" about gender relations and female behavior. Red Pill ideology is often associated with toxic masculinity and anti-feminism, advocating for a return to traditional gender roles and male dominance. Many men who identify with Red Pill communities feel alienated from modern society and seek validation in reaffirming traditional masculine power dynamics. Incel Movement: The "involuntary celibate" (incel) movement is an extreme manifestation of the masculinity crisis. Incels are men who feel rejected by women and blame feminism and societal changes for their inability to form sexual or romantic relationships. Some incels express their frustration through misogynistic rhetoric or even violence.

It corresponds with 1993 when a huge terror wave came after Oslo Agreement, with 2000 when 2nd Intifada right after Camp David and when Hezbollah kidnapped 3 soldiers after Lebanon withdrawal, with 2003 when there was a rise in suicide bombing after Geneva negotiations, with 2005 when hamas came to power and Gaza has redicalized after Israel withdrawal from Gaza, with 2006 when Hezbollah initiated a kidnapping of 3 soldiers completely unprovoked what lead to 2nd Lebanon war, with 2007 when was a rise in terror after Anapolis negotiations, 2008 when was a rise in rockekts from Gaza after Doha conversations, 2010 when was a rise in terror after the negotiations, in 2013-14 there was more terror during the negotiations, with 2023 when oct7 came after years of giving money to hamas and letting thousands of Gazans to work in Israel freely daily for years and many of them were participate in oct7.

@BlueOak ...but the dog didn't call a suicide hotline, so not the same.

Have you ever seen a dog throw itself off a bridge? Have you ever seen a cat slit it's wrists or call into the suicide hotline? ..well...the reason is they don't have the capacity to self reflect. Yes - they can feel sadness and even depression. But they aren't able to step outside themselves and become self aware that they are depressed. But yes I think it's relative to what your definition of suffering is. But I would say keep it simple. Pain is pain and suffering is suffering. Ask yourself why you are suffering? Maybe you can't prevent your hand from hurting if you stick it on a hot stove, but you might be able to prevent the suffering from it. If your definition of suffering is the screaming in anguish then yes you are correct that is a form of suffering if looked at in that context. But real suffering to me is when the human mind self reflects and inflicts mental torture on itself - thinking and creating a personal hell for itself because it doesn't have a perfect world of pleasure.

Previous chapters: spiritual tinnitus. *Old man Jenkins voice* How long has it been? Fifty years? Certainly feels that way. Like I've lived a few lifetimes in the past few years. I've been exploring the wild and revelatory vicissitudes of being human, embracing human needs and human obligations. More than half of my twenties was spent avoiding being human, i.e. spiritual bypassing. I used Leo's content, this forum, psychedelics, a whole 'lotta books, and even food to avoid the confusing, difficult world of human affairs. The main remedy that pulled me out of my spiritual circus was renting my own house. I have a host of different responsibilities and adulting things that I need to stay on top of. Survival has stared me straight in the face, and I stare back with equal reluctance and resolve. I literally cannot afford to sulk anymore. The past couple of years have been a test of the "Divine Masculine," I guess I could say. Pressing on when metaphorical weights were tied to my ankles. Developing a work ethic. Managing rejection. Believing in myself when the people around me were doubting. Having a willingness to take risks and look like a fool. Solidifying my sense of purpose. I'm proud to say that at age 30, I have finally found "my thing." My zone of genius. It's been staring me in the face for ten years, but I've been fighting it every step of the way. "There's no money in music," the average Joe says. "It's a competitive industry. Keep your day job. Music is nowhere near impactful as being a teacher, a healer, a therapist, or really anything else." Yadda yadda yadda. To a certain degree, that's all valid. But I've reached a point in my life where doing anything other than what I'm good at and feel passionate about feels like a waste of time. So if it means going the starving artist path, then so fucking be it. Fortunately, it hasn't been so bad. I've been blessed in so many twisted and peculiar ways. For instance, I was Instacarting at the time of the shooting in 2021, and consequently, the CEO gave me free mental health services as well as a large sum of money. I ended up saving all of that money, so by the time I made my way back home, I had a fat stack to invest in something. Someone offered to rent me an entire house with all of the amenities for a killer rate, and I accepted. I then used all of that saved money to invest in acoustic treatment, a new laptop, plugins, furniture, etc. for a music studio. Be Light Studio unfolded so serendipitously that looking back feels a bit surreal. Since then, I have been teaching myself music production and plan to start an LLC once I get my ducks in a row. I've spent the past year self-producing an album, and as of a few days ago, I finished it. I plan to release it in Mid-October. In between the album, a number of locals have asked me to produce their music, so I already have a growing clientele. For a while, I doubted the whole thing, reverting to my idea of becoming a healer/therapist as I already have a couple of certifications. But joining an orientation zoom call for a master's degree in counseling, I knew immediately that I would hate myself if I pursued that path. Turns out that I've been using those aptitudes in other ways. Maybe I'll write about that in another post. For the past few years, I've worked part-time at a local juice bar. But thanks to all of the live gigs I've managed to book, I am now officially financially independent. I have to live like a monk, but I'm wealthy in freedom. I never thought I'd reach this point. In most of the other parallel realities, I am likely dead by active or passive suicide. But in this reality I'm pursuing my passions and making money from them. Go figure! I could say more, but I don't want this post to be too long, and I need to get my day started. But I feel drawn back to this forum because I feel that in the midst of all of this human stuff, I've lost the plot. I've hit a level of burnout that I've never experienced before, which has caused me to backslide in my habits. I've become addicted to my own adrenaline release, whether with chronic Youtube content consumption, my right hand, or late bedtimes. While I've achieved so much in the past couple of years, I feel like I've lost myself in the process. I've lost that zest to learn more, to push myself towards higher virtue, to stay above the noise. I guess I have a case of spiritual tinnitus. So it's time to turn down the volume on distraction. My hope is that writing, whether here or in my own journal, will get me back on track. My goals for this off-season (i.e. fewer gigs and more time to myself): Replace mindless Youtube content consumption with audiobooks, books, journaling, and songwriting Either write one song or learn one cover song per week Continue working on clients' projects Transition from using my right hand with a screen, to using my right hand without one, to ideally using my right hand only once per week at most Re-acquire my stretching habit and begin to myofascially release my god-awful posture from too much guitar playing Acquire a regular aerobics habit (likely long walks) Re-acquire a regular strength training habit At least eight hours of rest every night, with an ideal bedtime of 10pm and wakeup at 7am I have other goals and more to say, but for now, this will suffice. To anyone who is curious enough to read this — I wish you well!

Not really because some people and cultures complain more while some less. Some of those „happiest“ countries also have high suicide rates and many people feeling lonely or whatever. High medication rates. High depression and burnout rates. Families are getting very small because it’s expensive to have children etc. While in poorer countries often people have huge families and so on. Pressures are different. You can’t measure it imo.

Nobody knows if those fundamentalist suicide terrorist actually achieve Nirvana doing that. Every day in more suspect of how this dream actually works...

I was a total fucking prick when I was 17-22. I was the epitome of "fuck it, fuck them, I'm looking out for myself, the world is cold, I will be colder". I would lie, steal, cheat, you name it... It took some time but the karma showed up and my life slowly turned to absolute shit and it only got worse and worse. The lies add up. The enemies add up. Your reputation becomes known and you are hated and you hate the ones who hate you and you act like you don't care. After a few years of living like this, it becomes too heavy. Amidst all the suffering and acting like I didn't give a fuck, it eventually became obvious that I couldn't continue on like this. My options were either to change or to kill myself, so I thought that I would stop being bad and see if my life improved. I wasn't spiritual and didn't have any good concept of karma but I had good intuition and pattern recognition, so I thought it was worth a try to see if being good would solve my problems. What do you know... by the time I was about 25, my life wasn't an absolute disaster anymore. After I made the decision to be good, I had to wade through my karmic debt for another 2-3 years, but eventually, all the suffering that came from it was gone. I didn't have anymore enemies and no one was lying to me and I wasn't lying to anyone else. I didn't hate people and they didn't hate me. This transformation was probably only possible because I moved away from my hometown where I incurred all the karma from. I probably would have commited suicide if I didn't stop because the consequences of my ways produced a life that was not worth living. You don't simply "burn through" karma of this type. You have to live with it and carry it and suffer the consequences and you might think you're big and bad and can handle it, but you should heed my warning if you embrace this path. It's not something you really want to fuck around and find out about. But... you gotta do what you gotta do. In other words, it is in YOUR best interested to not be a piece of shit. The person who benefits the most from being good is YOU and the person who suffers the most from being bad is YOU. This is reason number one to be good. It's not just about contribution or morality. It's so YOU don't suffer.

Don't think so, it would get old fast, and I'd much more likely be driven mad by all the foreknowledge. An occasional trip down the memory lane aided by psychedelics is another matter though, sign me up. The nostalgia is so great precisely because of how melancholic and bittersweet it is, the memories are hazy like images in Plato's cave, yet we cherish them nonetheless, the fleeting nature is a major part of the value. They say hindsight is 20/20, but that could also work in the other direction, if you study and understand enough domains of human life through the past and present, a prediction ability almost akin to clairvoyance could be developed. That IMO is much cooler and more rewarding, plus the mystery aspect remains to some extent. I've been observing this larger theme of limitation lately, as limited beings the grass sure seems greener on the other side, but most satisfaction is derived from constraints, like a perpetual motion machine, always reaching for something, but never quite getting there. Living life as the limit approaching infinity, however far you manage to get, and then in death you become infinity at last. On this topic, I've always had dreams that show the future. Nothing meaningful, so I'm not a millionaire from betting on sports, but they're 100% accurate down to the minute details. These grant me the ability to act with more freedom, as the fact that I keep having them means whatever I do next, it will turn out fine, as the future has already taken place. Time is one hell of a strange loop. Fascinating thought experiment, if one were to gather every person in the world and have them continuously and unanimously deny one's existence, how many would fall prey to that gaslighting? Would being aware of cogito ergo sum be of any help? What about different methods of denial, could be active, straight up proclaiming you don't exist, or passive, whereby everyone simply refuses to acknowledge your presence no matter what you try. There's sure to be lots of dissonance either way, but the former is likely to be less taxing on the mind. Could this actually lead to developing a stronger sense of self/autonomy, as you directly experience your independence of the others' perspectives? Or, if driven to suicide from despair, in a twisted way it could be said the denial worked, you removed yourself from existence. Creates a bit of a paradox, gotta love the mind's games. Testing could be performed in a Truman Show-esque fashion, but that'd be highly unethical and logistically challenging. Oh well, theory's plenty.

Netanyahu... Troubled Choices! A year after a furious war, he still believes he can displace the residents of Gaza, and expects others to believe him! Displacement was his first option, and he rallied support for it, but he failed. The Palestinians held onto their land, supported by their Arab brothers, and now he seems cornered. The Gaza war has turned into a quagmire, the northern front won't be a walk in the park, and in the West Bank, the ground is heating up under the feet of his army. Wherever he turns, he finds isolation and anger. He is left with nothing but troubled choices, leading him toward an abyss and pushing his state into an existential crisis. Those who supported Netanyahu in his war realize that he lacks a real strategy and is driven more by a desire for revenge. His defeat in October 2023 left him in a state of delirium and confusion, with his decisions appearing to be a form of suicide. His internal problems are growing, his external crises are becoming more entrenched, and he is swinging between the two without finding a solution, even as the West continues to support him. This has left the ruling system of the state in a state of chaos and disarray. Netanyahu's retreat now would be a defeat, his stagnation a fall, and his advance without a vision is a mixture of madness and suicide. Despite the crimes he continues to commit, he has lost his ability to make decisive moves, and Washington can no longer tolerate his actions, his plans, or his struggles. We are heading towards a series of rolling battles, and those who rush to ignite them will be the first to burn in their fire.

Martyrdom does not fall into the category of suicide. This is a big misconception. A Jihadist is not commiting suicide, he is defending his Islamic community in the most selfless way possible.

No, calling mainstream human rights organizations and Jewish intellectuals all antisemitic and dismissing them is textbook propaganda and single mindedness. Actually explain how what they say is antisemitic or wrong, just crying that I can’t appeal to authorities makes no sense. That’s like saying if experts on crime judge an act as criminal we shouldn’t consider their opinions because it’s appealing to authority. No it doesn’t. It does say if you die defending Muslims you will be rewarded, that doesn’t mean it justifies killing every non believer. Again, suicide is strictly forbidden, which is why suicide bombing is a relatively recent phenomenon.