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Police etc or to anyone reading this.this message is incase i harm someone by postponing. My only reason for postponing is family. At the time of writing this message i do not have an inclination to harm anyone but im in quite alot of discomfort. I havent hung out with friends or anyone except my mother and grandmother in over 2 years. Im not joking. And i dont know if ill ever get affection from anyone ever.im not trying to illicit selfpity here.this is a genuine fear i have. Ever since i can remember i always wanted a gf. But im slowly having to come to terms with the fact that i might not be able to experience the affection i wanted.and its quite uncomfortable.i know that wanting a gf is purely a selfish thing (ie-to get my emotional and physical wants met). I dont claim that wanting a gf is some nobel deed. I know its superficial and just a animalistic desire.however i still think it speaks about my natural nature.ie-friendship and affection is what i want the most. (Cars,money etc dont even come close. They arent even in the same realm) The reason why i postpone is because when i look up reddit, jordan peterson anna akana etc about not postponing they always say it will cause suffering to the family. Since my family has never abused me ive decided to postpone. And also if i dont postpone it might lead to mental health issues, substance abuse etc in my family causing them to then go and harm.this is not necessarily because they have affection for me,it might be because of backlash from society etc. Ie-my uncle recently passed away in something resembling a suicide ( we arent sure ,but it might have been as he was not mentally stable at the time due to chemical imbalances in the brain). So 2 suicides might look suspicious, causing backlash , causing my family to become unproductive menbers of society But a problem that jordan p,eterson has made me aware of is that when one spends so much time alone they tend to " brood and drift" . Causing them to become bitter and angry at the world. I might be bitter and maybe even alittle angry st the people who didnt treat me the way i wanted to (kd etc). I dont have the intention to hurt innocent people. However im afraid that like so many others who have spent time alone i might develop this intention at some point. If i do end up hurting someone i just want to apologize here. Hopefully i rememeber to show you this at the time. Im currently regulating my behaviour/actions through brute force and not really acting on feelings. If i remember to show you this in the future, i hope you understnad the events that took place beforehand leading upto what happened. I wish you had met me now. When i had made a promise to be loving. We might have been friends and you might have been able to stop me from doing what ever i was going to do. If you doubt whether i tried to be loving please ask my parents/ siblings or bosses/ teachers how i acted after leaving school. I gurantee you theyll tell you that i never got angry(even if someone insulted me), was the first to greet everyone with a smile, wished everyone on their birthdays, was polite, and always told the truth. The problem is i currently dont know if i have decided to try to be loving because of empathy or if im using brute force to go against my selfish nature because i know its right. Ive been so alone for so long i cant really tell. Please also take into account that ive never had a intimate relationship, even held hands or even spoken with someone of the opposite sex for the matter. Please think about that for a second. Someone whos main desire in life was to have an intimate relationship has never even SPOKEN to someone of the opposite sex. How many people do you know like that? I just want you to know that i really tried to be loving (ask my parents/siblings/bosses/co workers) if you disagree. The only things that i can see causing me to harm someone are prolonged loneliness (its already been 2 years) or others treating me in a way that resembles TOBY AND MICHAELS RELATIONSHIP from the office. If you see this i hope you can now get some idea to what led me to causing you harm. Im extremely sorry. If you had met me now i promise you would have thought i was warm and loving. But prolonged loneliness and thd MICHAEL TOBIES FROM THE OFFICR has led me to become something else it seems. Im very very sorry about what ever ive done. Please look into my childhood/life and i think you will not find it enviable and will understand what caused me to become what i have. Im so afraid of hurting you that im not even going to consider other possibile tracks anymore. I know theres no excuse for hurting someone but i hope this will atleast dampen whatever pain ive caused because youll be able to see that this is not the normal human perogative but a once loving mind or atleast a mind that tried to be lovinv but was twisted by loneliness , michael tobiness. And i hope my actions dont make you lose hope in humanity Again im deeply sorry for whatevet ive done. Please ask my parents,siblings etc for proof i was once loving. Ive even comeup with a way of acting happy so that i dont concern them or make them look bad in public. Im sorry this had to happen to you

Yeah great video from Leo . Though technically what I'm pointing out in this post is that we can't be certain of the ontological standards of our experience (dream ,awake ,simulation, brain in a vat etc). We can only be certain that we are conscious right now. and conscioconsciousness is the only real certain thing. I mean your first person subjective experience of the world . Right now..you reading my answer on a forum to the question , “How is it possible to be certain that I am not dreaming right now?”, you are a mortal human; as such, you are experiencing the Dream of Mortal Life. You can ascertain right now that your mortal life is merely a dream by committing suicide. Unfortunately, even if you kill yourself, you will awaken in a second dream . You will at that point again believe that you really are a human; but that will also be a dream. You would then need to kill your human self to be awakened from your human state. At that point, you would know that you are an eternal human, who was having the Dream of Mortal Life.

Sorry I'm brain-drained and just gonna share something that helped me... HealthyGamerGG on YouTube has a video about suicide... Understanding how it is a feeling of worthlessness and like it's impossible to get your life together, and you are just a burden to others , and that seems to me to be basically what suicidal tendency is. Idk why, but I get suicidal ideation, but I feel incongruent to really believe I would... There are times when I wasn't sure, but mostly I'm like I know I am thinking about killing myself... But I couldn't imagine the sad part of being like "goodbye cruel world" and taking my life ... Idk... I think it's something with Narcissism or anger issues towards people... But if I'm gonna kill myself, I ain't going down quietly... Like if you are gonna really do it, at least know I love everybody as human family and your suffering brings me pain as well and I wish I was better to help... But speaking brother to brother here, at least take a dirty politician with you. I mean if you take Tucker Carlson with you, I'll make sure your name lives on as a glorious hero. Just sayin... Leo has a video "it's all a mind-game" and suicidal thinking is just a mind-game... Everybody gets suicidal ideation, like driving their car off the road, it's the planning you gotta watch out for. And biggest thing, YOU CAN NOT ASK TOO MUCH FOR HELP. Not everybody will help you, but the right people will, and people don't know you need help if you don't ask. It's not a burden to ask for help, they can just say No... People WANT to help, they get dopamine highs off helping... The depression will make you not want to talk to people... You are a good guy that was dealt a bad hand dude... Suicide rates are rising due to life conditions growing harder. It's all just feelings and thoughts, and these things are like weather... Don't change your life because of some thunderstorms... There will be beautiful days ahead of you, just keep your head up bro

Sounds like a decent way to respect and honor yourself. To offer the self up for sacrifice so that another self can move in is metaphysical suicide. “I’m clearly not good enough so I guess I’ll die and let another perspective overwrite mine.” Sounds so wholesome, right? Jk. Your “ego” never dies. Your “ego” is just a term pointing at some aspects of your character. Just be you and grow, evolve, become. That’s what is really happening here anyways. Accept it. Leave death and metaphysical brutality for later.

I started having these thoughts of jumping from a high floor, I was at a hotel last year when it happened, I stared down, And my mind started making up a story of how nice it would be to just jump and end all this suffering that's been going on for a while. It seemed like the perfect solution as to my life, since my life is just a dream why should I care that much if everything's so illusionary with their illusionary consequence. So i attempted, but i freaked out went on bed (not sure if i was consciously stopping it or my subconscious mind freaked out about it ) and there it was mind won't stop racing thoughts about that incident, all night and morning, that it wouldn't stop until like 2 weeks have passed I've been having these episodes of it coming and going, Felt like it was getting stronger at times when i follow those thoughts. They'd like for days or weeks, My mind is calmer now but i easily fall under the trap of i should go for it since life feels so meaningless and i dislike a lot about it and i just can't seem to get it the way i want life to run for me. It feels like someday maybe i could really lose control and go over it, since it felt automatic at the time back then. I can kinda of understand how suicidal people are since i've never been in that state of mind before. I used to be able to say yeah i want to die and suicide since i was 13-14 but that thought would go away within a few seconds to a minute and won't really come up again until months or years passing by and i'd let go not thinking too much about it over the years, But this seems like another weird infiltrated virus that just won't stop leaving me alone pushing me to do it every time, even though i'm trying not to entertain it, it seems very believable as a good idea out of suffering. Even though i keep telling myself over and over it's not as bad as i exaggerate it to be, i still have a lot left, but it's hard to feel the past's well being due to my chronic anxiety. (there's like a pain/uneasiness worry that never goes away keeps cycling between my chest/heart/throat, i just loathe it that part the most with my health issues. (tinnitus/hyperacis/back/leg injury/kidney issues, not sure how to explain it but i have several 5meo side effects, my mind and body just doesn't feel the same feels weird/off and i can't be my past self as i used to be, i have a lot of memory issues which is making it hard for me to cope/learn from my experiences or speak in a proper manner without much brain fog) I really crave early financial freedom since i was so close to get it but i gambled it all away in crypto thinking i could reach UHNWI and i'm manipulating people/ market to make it work eventually. But that was just dumb i keep bringing up the past over and over from a lot of petty stuff with lots of overthinking. As for love i just realized egoic human love is always conditional over unconditional so i thought there could be some unbreakable unshakable bond with someone here for me, but apparently that doesn't exist either salty about wasting all my life for her only to get cheated on multiple times through out the years as i tried to forgive and let go just for it to keep repeating with no remorse. I can't grow feelings to anyone anymore after that experience, I just dislike people in general. Advice? Thank you for caring

@puporing I've never tried to argue it wasn't just an ego death. In fact, I am going through a process of understanding, contemplating and recontextualizing and allow multiple interpretations. People generally don't. I didn't assume you were trying to commit suicide. I have taken it to experience a total ego death. Which, can feel like I am dying. I know you are upset with me given your interpretations of my post. But, I don't like being called a weirdo of people assuming I am coming here with a bad intention. I am someone who has done many trips, and I think I would like to be spoken to in a respectful way. I consider myself relatively loving and have peoples best interests at heart... Glad you are okay. I've seen people have really bad reactions to these substances. People can totally lose function, not know where they are, have trouble breathing, spit everywhere, puke.... ego death can be totally disorienting and cause panic, heart rate, puking, etc... I don't know what aspect is the chemical and what aspect is ego death. It's hard because we all have different genetics. I can see someone dying potentially if they are not careful. 5Meodmt is dangerous. Sometimes I need time to expand my thoughts and reference experiences. I think you know your own direct experience. --- Will not respond. I actually really like Puporing and feel sad she is speaking to me like this... Best. Consider reading what I wrote when you are less triggered and times gives you a chance to recontextualize. I believe you.

She acts like others I've seen with this condition. She's so reactive, defensive, manipulative, controlling, history of suicide attempts. Intense but unstable relationships - She's had 13 fucking relationships and 5 marriages! She seems very unstable and also obviously has very disturbed thinking. It all makes sense considering her background of abuse/trauma, and her family apparently being distant towards her. She seems obviously controlling over people around her. And I'm sorry but editing clearly isn't the only thing making Teal look bad here. She knows that the documentary team will never release 3 years worth of footage, so this is a bluff from her. And if they do release it and it makes her look worse, she's just find a way to gaslight and manipulate her way out of it, and her brainwashed fans will swallow her bullshit excuses. She probably has BPD and also NPD. The cluster B traits are obvious here. She has way too much of a desire to be famous and successful, is obsessed with her appearance and being the center of attention, and is grandiose. Since you have BPD, I can tell that you're getting annoyed now because you think it reflects negatively on you. Note - I do not consider anyone a bad person because they have BPD. I've seen examples of decent and horrible people both having this condition. I think Teal is a source of very useful information, but I think the person she seems to serve most is herself.

Thinking that because "life is a dream" anything goes Committing suicide (because "it leads to God", or for whatever reason) Not taking responsibility for your thoughts, emotions, and actions because "there is no self" Not going to school or work Avoiding the harsh reality of your life situation Not building skills (because "nothing matters", or for whatever reason) Becoming lazy, complacent, and self-satisfied Becoming arrogant and disrespectful Thinking that every problem in life needs to be solved by meditating more or reading more books (maybe you need to work out, do chelation therapy, or some other non-spiritual form of self-help, because awakening is not the answer to everything) Relying only on intuition and dismissing the power of reason and logic Turning the ego against itself, thereby becoming dysfunctional and immobilized, instead of building a mature and healthy ego Thinking you're above everything when you can't even get laid or make money Thinking that success and money won't make you happy, thus becoming unproductive Confusing non-doing with not-doing Becoming too isolated for too long, thus getting lost in the vastness of the psyche, and not asking for help because "no one can understand me" Feeling special: an unwillingness to die into the ordinary Thinking that social skills aren't important (as long as you live in society, your social skills, communication skills, and EQ are very important) Getting overwhelmed by the content that's out there, and thinking that you have to consume it all (90% of self-help material is cheap and generic; find the best of the best and focus on that) Not accepting your humanity Losing your dignity Losing your integrity Becoming a degenerate devil

Maybe the producers paid Blake? I don’t want to dump on Teal, I have already shared my disapproval. I don’t want to insinuate what isn’t true. What was this anyway? Teal was obviously setup, that much is true. Teal isn’t going to allow producers of a show spend lots of money to bring her career down. I watched a video of hers for the first time just now. I like her THOUGH one thing that has REALLY triggered me is how carelessly she treated the issue on suicide. I battled with suicidal ideation throughout my teens and even into my twenties, if it wasn’t for the love and support of my friends family that shared with me their views against suicide. I don’t even want to speak about this it upsets me so much.

Yeah, it's very fucked up, assuming it's true. But that's what's in question according to videos above. I don't really like trying to adjudicate this shit. It's too much she said, he said. A bunch of human drama distracting from awakening. It's also not clear how functional she is. She talks about all sorts of mental disorders, suicide, etc. If she truly was abused in the manner she claims, I expect her to be dysfunctional even after lots of spiritual work. And that would explain why she choose to live in this communal way where everyone has to serve and protect her emotionally. If she had to spend a year living alone, would she try to kill herself? That's my hunch at this point. Which would be very problematic.

Life is a maze from the second we are born. When I was 4 years old I started having major anxieties, Maybe even earlier but it’s difficult to see anything before that in my memory. When I was 11 I received special care for depression and anxiety. Meds too. Depression runs in my family so I think I am one that has got it from the family. Born with it then. Genetic susceptibilities. Won’t spoil anyone with needless medical jargon I am just so exhausted studying for my UCAT’s anyway. Going through a very traumatic move from one country to another when I was in my early teens was not a good idea by my parents. When I finished high school I was so burnt out as . Maladjusted. Overschooled. I was done. I have never tried to commit suicide. I have suffered from suicidal thoughts in my earlier years tho. I have been receiving serious help for just everything better than I ever have these last few years. I have had to use my medical knowledge to train my brain and body to work in the way I have needed it. I always felt empty though and this is what led me to spirituality in my late teens, questioning my agnosticism and my parents devout faith. Sometimes I have felt so old in a young body. I have been told I am wiser beyond my years. I don’t believe this to be completely true tho. There is so much of life I want to experience. I have to experience. I have decided to accept all of the parts of myself now. I have MADE A STAND! I am now off my medication for the first time in my life and I haven’t been on medication for now over 3 months. I learned about spirituality from my friend Sarah growing up as her mum was so into crystals and everything so reaching out further has always been in the back of my mind. She’s had a big influence on my life in other ways where my mum wasn’t able to. In the last year I have made so much progress in my spirituality and mental well being. I made the most of a job opportunity I never had before and I have become more self aware than I used to be. Now… I am sitting the UCAT in less than two weeks…. Petrified. I still do tai chi. I simply have never been good with exams really. I am learning to embrace and connect with my body much more. This really helps my anxieties and my connection with other people. If I make it into medical school I want to specialise to become a pediatrician. I want to become the best mom in the world after med school (++) and work part time with children. Tired… Tai chi… fruit and vegetable smoothie… back to study. If I don’t make it into medical school… there isn’t a won’t here… I would be so devastated. The next move of life’s maze here… difficult to imagine… this would complete my maze.

Absolutely! That is certainly part of the explanation but it doesn’t fully encompass the reality. A new form or context can only rise to dominance when the old one has exhausted itself; however, if we zoom out and look at things from a distance, we can see that the later expressions of a given form or context are generally more chaotic and dissolute as opposed to ossified. I would say that to a certain extent they become ossified and moralistic precisely so as to protect themselves from their inner chaos and dissolution; “civilisations die from suicide, not by murder”! For example, in Christianity the Protestant faith is notoriously comprised of an endless variety of sects and schisms. This is because it denies the authority of the Pope (going so far as to construe him as the Antichrist) and rejects the Catholic mass in favour of individual interpretation of Biblical scripture, facilitated through increased literacy and the invention of the printing press. However, to a certain extent Protestantism often goes along with biblical literalism and itself emerged out of the moralistic and ossified nature of late Catholicism so even here what you say is partly true. It is also true that (partly in reaction to this very phenomenon) in this phase you get certain extreme “reactionary” sects like the New-England Puritans and modern Evangelicals. What do you think are the most important problems it has identified with both of these?

June 17th Joseph was furious because I was trying to leave him. He spewed out a ton of expletives and kept calling me a bitch a dozen times. It was like a case of Tourette. He then told me that he had a bottle of depression pills. And he hasn't been taking them. I thought he would overdose on the pills.. So I told Joseph to calm down a bit and he wouldn't. Finally I relented to his suicide threats and told him that I'm back with him. I didn't want him to harm himself. I thought more about his well being than mine.

@VeganAwake The whole notion that the ego is “a thing which can self-destroy” isn’t well grounded. The “ego” is an abstract way to talk about what the mind is doing when it constructs a conditional model of self and identifies with it. There’s no “ego as a thing”, let alone an ego which can commit suicide. To make a noun out of ‘ego’ doesn’t mean that there’s really some entity inside you which must die, these are just metaphors. Similarly, “enlightenment” is not some state that one achieves when the ego dies. More weirdo mythology there… that kind of talk just confuses the issue.

The 'blaming suicide on the leader' kind of behaviour is kind of silly in my opinion, but i get where those people are coming from. But they would never ever apply the same standards to a psychologist or to a psychiatrist.

Have just watched the first episode of the doc. Seems quite well done in terms of filming, and was quite inspired by parts of it. I found her response to her student voicing the possibility of disagreement to be boundary violating, unhealthy and innapropriate. However, apart from that it all seemed pretty great stuff. The stuff surrounding the episodes end about the dangers of her teaching seemed misguided. Strawmanning her idea of the suicide as a reset button by implying she was encouraging suicide was off the mark, I've seen that video and understand she isn't encouraging it, at least to my mind. The folks blaming her partly for their daughter's suicide can't really be said either way. It could well be the case that the parents are deflecting blame from themselves, or that teal's teaching actually did cause suicide. Further, stuff surrounding her not being licensed, while I get the view point its coming from, is more of a paradigmatic issue. She's into alternative healing, and also a form of healing she herself has devised, so certification and licensing is a lot less likely. Also, critiques of the actual content of her healing are standard sorts of things than all forms of therapies really get critiqued with. For example, psychodynamic therapy may be critiqued as dangerous for not first exploring nonverbal forms of therapeutic release before engaging in talk therapy. Plus, there were some points where she was simply being assertive. I.e. who gets to live with her. Thing is things like that will no doubt rub people up the wrong way, as assertiveness is often something vilified by people in society, even though its healthy. Overall, aside from the one incident, I actually was quite fond and inspired by portrayed Teal.

I am prone to making random noises. They are typically in response to thoughts which would be embarrassing or stupid if said to other people. Sometimes my mind gets stuck on one word and then starts to all of a sudden repeat it out loud. My typical reaction is "I need to hide." I don't want other people to see what I am like because I could easily be hurt. I don't think many people go through this sort of thing. I probably need to talk to someone. Other thoughts include "I'm a monster." This kind of behavior made me fear that I was going insane. I know these thoughts are not really true and suicide is not a problem. I have an abnormal brain development with autism, but I seem to have a hard time taking embarrassment. I plan on talking with a professional about this.

@ZenAlex I think all of those things could be mentioned, when we are talking about actualized.org if you want to interpret things in a bad faith way. This can be interpreted about actualized.org too, when we say that people actually don't understand what Leo is talking about and what Leo is teaching about . But you can get around this ,if you actually show a high level of understanding of the teachings and then lay out why they are dangerous or bad or anything that you have a problem with . You have to show a high level of understanding first, and then after you proved yourself to that community, they will be more open to your criticisms. This can be said about actualized.org too, if you want to interpret things that way. For instance, there are some people , who say that people on actualized.org committed suicide, because of Leo and because of his teachings . Of course, if any of the actualized.org members will disagree with that or if Leo will disagree with that, they can always say "Of course they disagree, because they are a cult". You need to justify positions like that in a different way, to be more compelling. There are some claims that are hard to justify, but if your claims hold any validity at all, then you should be able to show some evidence to justify them. Teal Swan's group is not new at all, if you can't show any video or any picture or any audio about her doing some shady shit (after all these years), then it will be hard to justify your positions only using some of her members claims. Just think about it, if there is really some shady shit going on, wouldn't you have more evidence than just a few ex members saying things about her without evidence (or maybe they actually have some evidence, but it is your job to lay those out). So far your argument is not compelling imo, because of these reasons: You are laying out your opinions on her that are up for debate. The reason why your opinions about her are up for debate, because you didn't provide any tangible evidence to back them up. The only countable "evidence" you showed so far is the claim, that her ex members are fucked up and they feel they are fucked up because of Teal Swan. But even that is weak, because those are just claims without backing them up with anything. (I could myself say some shit about some group without showing any evidence, and i wouldn't be suprised, if people would disagree with me) [ Now, of course the more ex members are coming up with claims like that, the stronger you position get, but after a while there has to be something that can actually back their claims up ] So without any compelling evidence, i don't think you will be able to convince anyone here, who disagrees with you. You need to make it so that your claims are not up for interpretation.

Hey everyone, so from time to time I can fall into depression, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts. So I thought I would write a list of the tools I’ve learned to get out of this head space. 1. Get enough sleep. When we aren’t sleeping well our brains don’t function and getting depressed or losing control of our emotions becomes very easy. 2. Call someone. Call a friend, family member or suicide/ mental health hotline. You’d be surprised how good you feel right away. Socialize. 3. Check your diet. When your diet is poor it affects your mental health. Eat healthy foods. 4. Take action! Instead of feeling hopeless and trapped take action on what you know you need or want to do. Just doing it, even when you initially don’t feel like it makes a huge difference. 5. Vent in a forum or journal. 6. Read books about cognitive behaviour and remind yourself of your values. 7. Journal, write lists, to do’s, your values, and affirmations. 8. Move your body! Exercise. Walk, run, lift weights or do yoga or Qigong. 9. Meditate, body scan, feel present. Smile into your body. 10. Let go, surrender and accept what is. Stop smoking. Damaged lungs = chronic anxiety.

@Someone here Of course you don't recommend someone of your fellow specie to committ suicide, that would endanger your specie. How animalic of you. Pretty much the only two things you are right about is that two people would get sad if I would committ suicide. And that emotions are changing. But the negative emotions outweigh the positive ones for me.

@Blackhawk bro..death is no joke . You don't know what you're getting yourself into. Seek professional help ASAP. You MUST visit a psychiatrist and be put under antidepressants . Be careful what thoughts you put in your mind . You attract what you think about .if you keep ruminating about death you will eventually end up actually committing suicide. That's the last place you want to be into .Trust me . I was suicidal and depressed for the majority of my life .but with taking antidepressants and working on my life purpose I got out of that dull state. You can too. I believe in you.

True. But people only stay Orange if they're happy in Orange, in which case there's no problem. If someone achieves what they want in Orange, and has a midlife crisis or whatever, then they'll automatically start transitioning / looking for something different. Stress will build until they do something, be it rediscover religion, spirituality, drugs, or suicide.

I don't want to scare people. But quite frequently I get intrusive thoughts and intrusive desires both about homicide and suicide. Is this an impure mind? I do recall Leo in a video stating that cravings for suicide were the results of an impure mind. I do notice that with meditation and shamanic breathing make these impurities go away.

How are you feeling today bro? If you've got suicidal thoughts like this then please forget internet forums and get straight on the phone to your local emergency suicide helpline. Best wishes man. Assuming you are feeling ok today ... "This is my belief". Are you saying this from personal experience or is it just a belief? If it's from experience then you're saying that you have experienced being most happy. In which case yes life is full of ups and downs and by that logic the time to be free from worry is when you're most unhappy because things will be on the way up. Why should that be a cause of feeling suicidal? It reminds me of the Buddhist talk about impermanence. "Every conditioned phenomenon is impermanent". Including happiness and also unhappiness. There was a time in my life years ago when I was kind of drifting and unsure what to do. But I was into Buddhism and used to see monks and visit monasteries. I was even toying with the idea of becoming a monk myself. I was talking to this monk and he was explaining how, before he ordained, he experienced emotional highs and lows, how it was a cause of disturbance and suffering. Now, after being a monk for some years practising intense meditation & mindfulness the highs & lows had subsided and he was more on an even keel, in the middle without getting involved in any dramas going on around him. He was happy like that. I thought about that a lot afterwards and decided I didn't want that kind of life, without the ups and downs, having flat emotions all day long. I wanted to find some passion even if it meant the emotional crashes too. So I didn't become a monk, and carried on looking for my passion which I did eventually find in loving a woman, having a family and a career. As well as continuing my spiritual practice. But can't say I got as enlightened as that monk though ha ha! Maybe my story is no help for you but there are choices to make around whether to jump into the river of life to find your passion or whether to try and protect yourself from the emotional volatility and avoid the drama. No judgement either way, whatever works for your happiness.

"Every epoch dreams its successor." I don't know what to say about the ziggurat - tbc throughout the day, come back in the evening - I need to go into a trance for this to remember... Maybe it was magic Like that photograph that someone took of us Something I imagined 'Cause when everyone said run, I fell in love I noticed one of You watching me during a very hard time in my life. I had tried to block out the knowledge that your eyes were on my words. I'd appreciated Your unique creative abilities and felt sad that you had to whore yourself out essentially, to make money - and thought that You could come up with something creative that would pay you well and felt disappointed that You had sold out - sold yourself to people who couldn't look beyond to see You - You were just a fresh face for most of them and that was it. I had been on two sides of the coin, attractive in my 20's and then gave up on it in my 30's due to mental illness, stress, and it didn't seem worth it because I'd learned that humans are fickle and shallow in that sense and I didn't want to parade myself around in order to hide my lack of true self any longer - they could accept me as is. I noticed that humans are concerned about one's appearance in ways that are not their business - and that most of a human's value relies on this, however, after meeting my true soul a few times, I know that I will be beautiful in the afterlife as just the ball of awareness that I truly am. I wanted to the fall, the fame The diamond ring, the way my blood would rush Like when we would drink too much A crush on drugs, a worship of our luck In my psychotic state, I had many awakenings to different natures of reality and learned how to project myself into the fourth dimension. I realized that I had fell from grace and could see and feel it within myself - I had made a deal with the main "You" - the one who has already lived all of his lives, and for a time considered You to be one of them. I told You what You were, what I saw You as and perhaps it bothered You or perhaps I mentioned it too soon. There is still Light in the darkness, but it is in concentrated hubs; bulbs - each skyscraper plugged in like a kelp forest and it twists and turns with the natural movement of awareness. I had thought it would be nice to add trains to each building, ones that went in a circular motion around each kelp ball. I had already made a deal with the main You - and had hoped that if I stuck with my visions, I could be elevated back to where I was - the wish that I had initially wanted to make I couldn't because I had sunk too far down - I was a denizen of a city that I was creating, but also wanted to escape. During certain times, the light would hit the city just right and we could recharge - Love was transactional in this world as a form of energy and beyond the cities, were great expanses of blackness that only "spiritual whales" had enough energy to cross, from one city to the next - I shamed You and berated You because I didn't want to be seen in the state I was in. I had felt it was unfair that I couldn't stay here without being seen. It's in my interests to Know there are those there, but not to Know why or when they are - yet I still desired to feel connected to something and with each session of bodily weakness, I send myself forward into the forth dimension, by staying very present, and pulling the corners of the walls of my livingroom towards my heart and Seeing the things in my visual field for what they were - and when this happened I would see archetypes and deities, and spirits and intentions that had taken off since the beginning of human civilization. From there I gathered what I needed to create this new world. We got Jesus on the dash, it all goes fast When you're kids in the big bad city No time to crash, true romance And the lights, they look so pretty I got together a pack of things I would need from etsy, everything a dark oriented being would need to cross over. I use it in my altar at this point in time - I would wear red because when you die, this is the colour that spirits can see the easiest and I wanted You to find me just incase my heart gave out. I was sick. Very sick. And this version of You had turned it into a joke and You made fun of my and stalked my account here for a long, long time. I couldn't figure out why, considering I had the same sort of creative mind that You possess, it was like You were destroying someone so similar - but less vain; prideful. I knew You had fallen for what You had done and I used black magick on You that ended up turning against me later on. I was so angry with You - and desperate to finish my work so that I could be aligned properly before death and this was something that no one could understand the seriousness or implications of. I was in school, this is a school and I was failing and needed to get back to the top to make my wish with the prima materia that I'd brought into this world with my own hands. This was art class, and my world was something I could genuinely bring into fruition with the materials that I had manifested through edging towards the death door. The world in our hands, make no plans When you're so young and so shitty Don't stand a chance, it never lasts When you're kids in the big bad city In this world, energy is created through the seven deadly sins, just like this one, people rely on this energy to keep going because they are not connected to God's light. You told me to meet you at a ghostly lit green gas station, that the lights would attract me as I walked down a desolate dirt road - I would see McDonald's. The golden arches. They use symbols that people recognize in the real world. This represented the gluttony that I had taken on as my own sin. You told me to pack as much as I could, to put - as the Egyptians added statues and replicas of what to take into the underworld, I could do the same with a sticker book. So I collected everything I needed in the little book to manifest in this new world. Getting to the city would be an adventure in itself and the gas station would provide a first stop - I could possibly die in the darkness, and the lights would attract me like a moth to the flame. With all of my possessions ready in my tangible bag - I began to design the city. It would be a "light hub" in the darkness. The other side uses symbolism that is easy for the soul to remember when it leaves its body. You told me You would come to me as a large black wolf with bright blue eyes - a "hellhound" - Your karma to carry those You'd mistreated along the way on Your back. Each and every one of You will have found their way into bardo - because THE WORK IS UNFINISHED AND THE CITY STILL STANDS - regardless of what I think, or what You think - The Work must go on. This is a mutual curation. I tried to destroy the city, but it's outside of my control, what happens to places such as these - they encompass mythology beyond what I am capable of understanding. I knew that if I made it through the dark desert, if I stockpiled enough to gorge on, and got to the outskirts, if I was able to hop on one of the trains to get to You - if I could just find You once more - that I could complete my work, could work on my karma. Could finally reach the city of light, the top of the world tree, heaven, home. And perhaps I would want to stay in this dark neon city for a time. I could go to school here. I decided I wanted to have a body that floats along, that I would be short with a pink tail and soft lop bunny ears - and with those ears I could hear the sounds of the city and the music of life and death in it's fullest capacity. I decided I wanted to work in the Great Library. It was so electric, like a call to faith How my pulse would race for you I never expected the withdrawal to make Every color turn to blue I wanted to be free from the body - to have something ethereal that feels good to move in. I wanted to be able to change dimensions, so that I could have the city to myself at times - that I could move through it without being seen - so that I could move with and become the music. I didn't want to leave, with so much left unfinished... but the time was coming soon, for me to go to the hospital to fix this broken brain of mine. I went through the death door after cursing You for Your voyeurism. It was a death curse - and when I opened the death door once more I was given the indication that I would be shot. I was terrified because my work was not finished. I could see the signs everywhere, in my paranoid state - every time I looked at the door to cross into the fourth dimension in order to build - I kept running into this insight. I wanted the flying high, look in your eye The cash, the crown, the luxe The mission's a suicide, at least we tried But never got enough Eventually, after a situation that I'll go into at a later date - I was hospitalized, and given meditation that helped with the paranoia... I resolved never to look back, to allow people to take from my work again - and so here I am, trying to rehash it all to see where I need to go. I'll have to open up the doors again - which work best on weed because I can think slower and more deliberately and it grounds me in my body so that I may manifest. What I learned is that human beings are not must humans, we are literally world builders, we have the imaginations to create anything we want after death - so long as it is aligned with the Truth. I found my story and my Truth through facing death - although I was a coward about it and still am, I still need time to work through it and to come to understand what it means for me. I would still like to reach as high as the stars so that as I move, talk, walk and live, I carry within my soul a new world to be birthed, one better than we have here. Here there are problems that need to be fixed and although I am limited in my ability to do anything now, I can take this death energy and my idealism and create something better for those who are ready to graduate to a more elevated type of living. I have no idea where it is going to go - I'm not sure if I am still stuck in the ziggurat or if I am free to make something new - it's up to the powers that be. We got Jesus on the dash, it all goes fast When you're kids in the big bad city No time to crash, true romance And the lights, they look so pretty "I hear my love, I live forever..." The City of the Dead. The world in our hands, make no plans When you're so young and so shitty Don't stand a chance, it never lasts When you're kids in the big bad city You see, I never wanted You as a lover. I wanted You as a brother - only the highest version of You - the One who watches over me from the other side, is the one - all other variations of You and the lives You live have imperfections that must be sorted out while the one who manages all Your lives so that You may gain as much wisdom as You can could catch me when I literally "fall". I never see You as a partner... and the relation to the One that I bring forth from the other side is simply a repetition of the rescuer/saviour dynamic. And it isn't a pure Love. I can't Love purely, but I can see the creative potential in every one of You and wish for it to grow. We got Jesus on the dash, it all goes fast When you're kids in the big bad city No time to crash, true romance And the lights, they look so pretty You got me frozen Colder than ice Bitch you don't love me Tell another lie Frozen 3:45 hit me with the text In the middle of the night Frozen Zero below I could die tonight When I'm way out of my zone You got me frozen Head to the toe, bound to happen when you love these hoes The world in our hands, make no plans When you're so young and so shitty Don't stand a chance, it never lasts When you're kids in the big bad city I Love You once more. *touches where my third eye would be* Not the human; but the sacred. Even writing this out simply does not do the details justice - I'll have to contemplate this one. Perhaps book 1 is the city, and book 2 is the archipelago, with the third being, the highest wish.