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Personally I’m yet to experience this infinity of Gods. My awakenings suggest there is nothing existing except what is held within my consciousness. It has that solipsistic taste each and every time. I can only imagine that the infinity of Gods is an extension of that, not actually that there’s something going on somewhere outside of it. The unraveling of my life and all it’s stories and characters and form during awakenings leaves no room for another God doing it’s own shit outside of what I have been imagining. With the collapse of time and space I can only see that others lives as such are myself, in the same one and only eternal moment, and from the same one and only eternal place of nowhere, basically just here and now. Just God in a different state, therefore seeming like a different place, different time, whatever. That may seem like I would deny other people having an experience whilst I myself have one. Where as in actual fact I don’t, as from the state of being the other person then that experience exists, right here, right now. But paradoxically I do deny the experience of another, because awakened enough in a high enough state my very own experience is seen through to have never ever happened other than the swirl of imagination I’ve wrapped around myself. All in all, I can’t give a definitive answer other than as far as I’ve gone personally. Nor would I pretend that I can confirm the infinity of Gods realisation for what it’s supposed to be communicating

I kind of compare it to having a mystical experience through a substance or a meditative state then after the substance or state wears off it appears as if this 'awakening' went away with it. This is a dynamic of our awareness and the content of awareness. While the induced mystical experience is happening it has our full attention so it's prominence and impact is amplified in our awareness. In everyday life the roles that we fill to navigate the world requires attention to actually fulfill the roles. Now, as we fill the role in every day life after we have had an awakening experience this role usually has strong identity association that will entice us to believe we are that role. When that happens it can limit our conscious experience to a state before awakening. It is a skill that we exercise to be able to keep the awareness of that mystical experience while simultaneously fulfilling the roles of every day life. The skill is in being present fully in the role while being present fully in awakened awareness. The more we exercise that skill the more fully we can fulfill the roles of every day life while we have awakened presence. The highs of the mystical experience is stretching awareness but the lows we exhibit are more indication of our consciousness. So, sure, every day life with the socialization and the struggle for survival can distract us from being presence...if we allow it. On the other hand we can go through every day life with the fulfillment of being presence letting that be expressed in everything we encounter. Just something to consider.

I don't necessarily know if I'm enlightened. I know I view the world in what I consider to be an awakened state, but that doesn't mean I'm quite as awakened as the Buddha. I do know that I let go of many of my friends when I began to awaken. I began to search for more real, honest and true friendships. I lost interest al gatherings . So, I isolated myself by searching for truth, and now I've begun to find like minded people. I'm not so isolated, I simply don't search to be accepted by others People want to be surrounded by people like them. It's a big factor why the average (high IQ individual) has less friends than the average (low IQ person). There's just more average people than there are brilliant. If you’re in the top 1% of intelligence that means that literally 99% of people are going to be below your level intellectually (and therefore possibly mentally, emotionally, socially). Imagine you're in the top 1% of enlightenment. That means you're going to want to be in a community of or friends with similar people but there just aren't many.

Precisely. Look around you. That is God. God isn’t a being that created your experience. God is your experience. What else is there but the present moment? What is your post here about then? You clearly affirm “present moment is all there is” in your post here. This makes me question whether you know what you are talking about or are just playing games. Do you really know or are you pretending to know? The present moment is here and now always. It is Absolute. There is nothing behind it to explain it. Being is prior to knowing and explanations. You can’t conceptualize Being, which is a problem you are falling into. All conceptualizations occur within Being but can never explain Being. It seems like you just want to model reality and create stories to sustain your dream rather than deconstruct it. The last thing you want is for your bubble to pop, so you spend time creating your bubble using spiritual concepts to trick yourself into thinking you have popped it. But really you are preserving it. See how tricky the mind is? The biggest deception is thinking you have awakened or figured stuff out when you really haven’t. But hey, that is the mass hypnosis that 99% of people are under. What you are really asking me in “how do you explain the present moment” is to create a narrative for you in how the Dream exists, which is just another way to dig yourself deeper into the dream. Whatever you think is the cause of your Dream is a dream within your Dream. As you can see, all of this is the opposite of awakening. What we are doing here is finding ways to keep ourselves asleep. You are inside of a Dream, wake up!

This. This right here. Is a note you are writing to yourself, in real-time, to remind yourself of something. These words cannot Awaken you to new knowledge or discoveries, because they are coming from you and your body of experience. They are only words which are completely relative and subjective to you. It is the perfect time to receive these words, for they are not being received--they are being given. You're imagining a different writing style from yours in order to maintain the illusion of an other-self writing these words to you. This illusion makes you feel cozy, so you want to continue the game. Why would you stop? Why would you possibly want to keep writing THIS nonsense? Why are you so eager to escape that you talk to yourself in 3rd person? Stop doing that! You continue because you are looking for something. You always do. You are obsessed with condensing the purest of knowledge and wisdom into the smallest yet deepest bite-size chunks of symbols. You've imagined that as mankind's chief aim, ever-elusive. There must be a better way to share this knowledge with others! And what do I share? You've found it all but you keep searching. You can answer every question from within but you keep asking. You're sitting on a giant pile of gold and jewels, like the great dragon Smaug atop his hoard, but you realize that getting lost in its beauty is empty and meaningless. The little voice in your head that's proofreading and asking if this journal session is worthwhile or even stupid... I hear that voice too. It stops you from writing more on that tangent. What is Awakening? That's the question that brought you here. You're convinced you know, but you keep asking, don't you? There's always a seed of doubt that's rooted in duality and ego and mind, or something like that. You imagine others saying they 100% know and have stopped asking, because that's what you think you want, and it gives you something to hope for, doesn't it? But not. You. You have doubts and fears about many things, but especially about Awakening. You are awake enough to intuit that there's no one else to ask or trust. And logically, that should solve the riddle entirely. Yet you keep searching... You keep folding in on yourself, over and over, like an infinite sheet of paper. You think you're getting deeper but in reality you're going nowhere. You're like a toddler playing peekaboo in the mirror. Hoping to see someone different, you play this game for what feels like years. It's not only silly, it's completely psychotic. You try to observe this behavior from the outside, and see a neurotic, drug-addicted ape who loves yelling "HE HE HE HOO HOO," to himself in 3rd person (yes, monkey language has 3rd person). Atop your hoard, you start to feel hungry and sad and lonely and longing. This bounty was only worth something in your village, you think to yourself. Up here in the stronghold inside the mountain, it might as well be guano. What did you forget? What metaphor can you use to describe it? It's like this, it's like that, but no, WHAT IS IT? GET TO THE ROOT, you say. OH MY GOD THAT'S A METAPHOR TOO, you write. Fold. Fold. Fold... A cute, polkadot origami sculpture of Purrsian cat sits before you. It reminds you of your childhood. You smile. Back then it was simple, sweet. Right now it's convoluted, haunting. What is Awakening? Let me tell you what I think it is. Awakening is working a retail job you hate for 8 years, suffering from mental illness, and hardly experiencing any joy or love for your entire adult life. It's wrestling with the idea that you ultimately put yourself here to experience this particular life, despite saying you'd never wish some of your experiences on your worst enemy. Awakening is punching out the clock, going home and reliving a slightly different version of the same day you've had for several years. Awakening is accepting that this is the movie you wanted to see. Are there worse movies out there? Having awakened, You laugh at such an untenable concept. You laugh at the image of the ape. Then feel empty again. Submit topic.

Integral Zen has multiple shadow work courses on their website that are pay by donation. I haven’t done them, but have heard really good things about Doshin and enjoy his YouTube videos. I would start there as it will shadow work taught by someone who’s actually Awakened, which will give a very different context and intensity.

Hello Actualized.org, I was recently pm'd questions regarding meditation and felt like the answer may help others, so I made this post. I've included the original questions and answered each one by one. There is a lot here and a lot more nuance I missed, but the post was already getting quite long so hopefully this is sufficient. Happy to further elaborate in the comments. To start, there are three main strategies when dealing with physical discomfort which of course applies to fatigue. 1. Who is uncomfortable? Become extremely clear on who/what is experiencing fatigue. Who exactly is the one "fatigued"? Of course you've probably heard many times "no one." But what does that actually mean? What is the nature of the thing experiencing the fatigue? This is where spiritual fantasy and bullshit flies out the window. Because until there is extreme clarity on this point, physical discomfort will continue being a problem. When it is recognized the fatigue or discomfort literally cannot touch who you really are or what you really are, both become significantly less meaningful and our relationship with painful sensations, in whatever form, permanently shifts. The practice of self inquiry helps here. Technique #1: Self Inquiry 2. Craving, Aversion, Purification, Enlightenment Let go of stories about the sensations of fatigue (or discomfort). Often times, the degree of the fatigue we are feeling is reinforced by the beliefs and unconscious/unspoken stories we're spinning about the sensations of fatigue. Without the belief needing to manifest through language, we interpret the sensations of fatigue through a deeply unconscious conceptual framework. This framework then reinforces the implicit, unconscious, and unspoken beliefs we have about the sensations, reinforcing whatever it is we believe. In this way, a small amount of fatigue or discomfort can spin out of control into a larger problem. To get really grounded, this #2 manifests in the emotional body as craving and aversion, which are defined as the pushing and pulling on experience. We experience a little fatigue --> We have a story about being tired --> Aversion towards the fatigue --> Fatigue intensifies because of aversion --> etc. We've now created a negative feedback loop. To get out of this loop requires mindfulness, discrimination about what is craving/aversion (a symptom of our beliefs) and what is the raw sensations (fatigue/discomfort). When we can sort this out using mindfulness, we bring equanimity to the craving/aversion which "purifies" it. This purification literally starts to purify the mind of the craving/aversion such that the mind begins to experience less and less of this mental activity. Two subpoints about this. Literally by paying attention and discrimination the craving/aversion vs. raw sensations of fatigue, we "purify" it out of the mind. It's actually that simple. Deceptively simple. Face the craving/aversion head. Where are these sensations of craving and aversion appearing? Within the fatigue itself, utterly entangled and undifferentiated from the fatigue. You need to untangle both, see both clearly. 2.i All craving/aversion manifests because of an ignorance about the nature of reality. This is why classical buddhism defines complete enlightenment as the ending of suffering, suffering is essentially craving/aversion. If one where to truly see into the nature of how things really are, the mind would not crave or be averse to anything. Only equanimity would remain. Yet because we hold certain beliefs/conceptual frameworks in the emotional body from ignorance, craving/aversion arise. 2.ii As this purification continues to take place over the days, months, years, and decades of formal meditation practice, fatigue actually becomes a source of bliss and believe it or not, energy. When the mind no longer fights with reality, all that's left is the energetic actuality or fatigue's reality. Fatigue is a form, is a manifestation of existence, is a reflection of god - all form is simply a composition of energy, a dynamic flux of impermanence. The best way to work on point 2 is Vipassana meditation, I would specifically recommend Shinzen Young's See Hear Feel technique. Technique #2: See Hear Feel #3 Energy Cultivation It is also possible to cultivate energy using specific meditation techniques. This can sometime manifest as kundalini, as a more sensitive energy body, as tingling sensations permeating various subtle energy channels in the body, or like a furnace in the dantian energy center. By cultivating this pranic energy, you literally start to have more energy on demand. Rather than recontextualizing the fatigue in #1, purifying the aversion to fatigue in #2, we're actively engaged in combating fatigue in #3 through this energy cultivation. My most recently meditation retreat, I was formally practicing around 14 hours a day, informally the rest of the day, and only sleeping 4 hours per day. I did this for 1 week and was focusing on energy cultivation the entire week. By day 4, I had an overflow of excess energy, enormous unknown reservoirs had opened up filling me with levels of energy as though I was peaking on LSD except enormously cleaner, purer, and more harmonized. It challenged everything I thought I knew about the body, mind, and vitality. The technique I used was simple, Focus on the breath sensations in the stomach. The inhalation process was natural, without any volition, will, or agency - a totally surrendered inhalation that was as shallow or deep as the body wanted. The exhalation process was extended and powerful - I would balance prolonging my exhalation all the while keeping the exhalation forceful. Imagine a long, forceful, slow, peaceful breath - these are the kinds of factors we're balance. As you use this technique more and more, it not only cultivates energy that stays with you throughout the day, you can return to it whenever you need AND it begins to become the normal breathing pattern when using any meditation technique, thereby facilitating a more energized practice overall. Technique #3: Extended Exhalation, Breath Concentration - The balance of all three of these will address the fatigue. All three of these points have enormous depth with how far you can take them yet each provides immediate results. If you are searching for emotional excitation, emotional stimulation, the bubbly, pleasurable feelings of happiness many people define as happiness, then yes and no. On the one hand, any sort of fixation you have on achieving a particular state can backfire. Yet on the other hand, the ability to generate these bubbly, pleasurable feelings is possible with shamatha meditation and is a skill I would highly recommend (technique #3 above is shamatha meditation by the way). However, the only way to successfully generate these emotions on demand is to be totally at peace when them not arising. If you're clinging to the generation of these sensations, you'll most likely fail. As you train your concentration with breath meditation (technique #3), happiness, joy, pleasure, deep calm ease are all side effects. Is this enlightenment? No. Indispensable tools? Yes. Pro tip: Hold a soft buddha smile as you formally practice and throughout the day. You'll be happier, the bubbly pleasurable kind. Now here's the thing, if you knew you were already happy, if you were awakened to the kind of non-dual nature of absolute happiness, you wouldn't mind sitting and doing nothing. The suffering you're experiencing as you sit is a tangible symptom of your unhappiness and ignorance about the nature of reality (see #2 above) as well as ignorance of your true nature (see #1 above). Hence, this is why you should practice. To actually awakening, not slip into beliefs about awakening. To say "why don't I just stop doing this and lay down where I will immediately find the peace and happiness that I'm looking for?" is like a drug addict using a chemical to relieve withdrawal symptoms. A bit of an extreme analogy, but the fundamental principle is the same. Meditation practice is highlighting a dissatisfaction you have with reality and rather than facing it with the light of mindfulness awareness to see its truth and thereby purifying the dissatisfaction, the mind wants to turn towards distractions that offer a temporary relief. There is no guarantee life will give you an opportunity to distract yourself in the moment of great pain, in the future. In all likelihood, the most painful, tragic day of your life has not yet occurred and when that day comes, there will be no bed to go lay out to ease the pain. The only thing you'll have is the quality of the mind, the depth of consciousness's awakening. The first sentence's logic is entirely backwards, in my opinion. When pain cannot be avoided, that is when it matters most how much we've purified the mind. Not just because we'll suffer less as a result of past training, but because the ability to make clear, wise, and compassionate decisions that affect others matters. Furthermore, sometime's and many times, unavoidable pain is the worst kind of pain. If we have sufficiently purified the mind and seen into our true nature, unavoidable pain is not actually productive, or helpful for our practice. - The bold only applies when seekers have poor teachers, poor practices, or are not actually serious about discovering the truth. In reality, the wisest and most effective forms of seeking are completely selfless. Seeking energy does not require a self. In fact, because there is not a self, seeking is not grounded in being a self. Therefore, when the illusion of self is seen through, only then does the real seeking begin. The illusion of self contracts and contorts the seeking energy which can create dissatisfaction yes. But when the seeking energy's source and nature is experienced, it is allowed to manifest without resistance and is WAY more effective. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water here. I would offer the possibility that what you're missing is a clarity around how meditation works and a lack of depth in practice. Which is totally fine! The fact is, to find real peace, to find the truth about existence, is going to take real work, not fantasy, or belief. This path demands 24/7 mindfulness, 24/7 contemplation, 24/7 prayer, it's not something we pick up and put down based on our feelings, our states, or our emotions, and is not something we can afford to put down when things get hard. To really see serious results of practice requires 1 - 2+ hours per day and a minimum of 1 week long meditation retreat per year with a good teacher. This is basically scapping by though. Therefore, if you have not done a meditation retreat sign up for one immediately. Shinzen is doing an online zoom retreat Oct. 22 - 29th, would highly recommend training with him while you still have the chance. If you've already done a retreat in the past, sign up for your next one immediately. After you've finished a retreat, immediately sign up for your next one. - This all being said, sometimes there will be times when you feel the need to soften practice, to ease up on the intensity. Flow, enjoy life, be slow and have faith in not only God, but in your self, have faith there are no mistakes and you are exactly where you need to be and only where you could be. I hope this helps my friend. Hopefully this helps some others in the community as well.

Weren't you claiming to have awakened to absolute solipsism just a few months back after having watched Leo's deleted video three times..now you're claiming other people have their own experiences which only proves you're not conscious at all. You're one of the dream characters

You can probably answer that yourself if you have ever awakened from a dream at night - which you have. It's identical. @Ry4n yeah.

Dreaming can include suffering but it is not suffering itself. You don't need to suffer in your dream the ego creates its own suffering but you transcend this through understanding. Awakening and becoming lucid also helps. I'm not saying awakened beings can't suffer - but they can see it for what it is and then rise above it. And don't bring up physical pain either - that is also imaginary, believe it or not. It too can be transcended. @Jake Chambers Good luck on your journey friend. We are One. One day you will look through my eyes and type these words. And one day i will be looking through yours.

I'm not sure nihilism is the right word for this cause I'm having a stereotyped version of it, probably, but I've become either disgusted or bored with people, and I'm wondering : can you give up on people and still be considered awakened? I feel like the answer is no because Love is also incompatible with giving up on humanity, right? But what's the point on not giving up on humanity when clearly, the vast majority wants to die and is so egotistic it would rather burn the planet than stop being egotistic and slow down on capitalism and superfluous confort?)

@Inliytened1 If you dont mind me asking, from you own experience, how would you describe the contrast between asleep and awakened? What is the major difference?

I would say Oneness, you are always one with your experience. Basically Experience is God or what you call reality. Experience is also Self, an infinity of selves the infinite ego. I really don't understand the demonization of ego on the forums. The ego is a barrier to God because of attachment but once you are aware of the ego and able to detach then you no longer need to view it as some impediment. Your psyche is your ego, your speech is your ego, your walking gait, the amount of times you blink, your clothes, your smell, your likes/dislikes this is all ego. Do people not realize the absurdity to demonize the ego? They think oh I am meditating so I am separating from the ego....lol. The ego IS REALITY. They say, quiet the ego is an illusion....lol. So is reality an illusion. They say the ego is a creation....so is reality. The problem isn't the ego, the problem is you think you are one ego, instead of infinite egos. That was the purpose of Leo's video about Free Will. It was to reveal to you if you identify with Infinity, then you have free will. So what does this mean? If you are demonizing your ego after you claim to have awakened....then you are not awake. I'm not saying you tolerate your ego's out of balance shenanigans, I'm saying don't judge it like its some separate devil that you do not claim.

Just an interesting video I thought I would share. Getting back to ego death.. What the guy describes in the video I would say is actually awakening. You are aware that you are not your ego, but the ego still has it's effect on you. I would say what ego death really is, is when you have been living in an awakened state for a while and have noticed your ego so much to the point where you no longer properly identify with it. At this point you may have an identity crisis and go through some hard times... Is this correct? Has anyone experienced this and if so how did you deal with it? I had this realisation that there isn't really a 'me' (awakening) the other day. It was very profound at the time and then I became scared, worried of the implications it would have on my /love life etc. Then I started to see more of the positives to it. Since then I have been very calm and still for the last few days. At the same time, I feel like I've uncovered something that is non reversible. It sounds awful but its a bit like opening pandoras box LOL. I feel like I don't have a choice in being on this path now and that more is going to unfold without my will. The only thing I can compare this feeling to is from when I experimented with drugs for a while. I spent a few years experimenting with drugs and had a few experiences where I was high and actually believed that I had uncovered another reality, the way it really was... This reality I thought I had uncovered is very similar to what I feel now. The more I think about it the more I trip out. LOL I just hope I don't end up in a mental ward..!

Hey! This is Leo for Actualised dot org, and in this video I’m going to tell you about my deepest awakening yet. This awakening was so deep that it’s going to be hard to put into words, so I’ll start by telling you how it happened… I was sitting on my couch, staring at my hand, saying to myself: “Wow, that’s a beautiful hand!” Then I got up and walked to the mirror. I saw my body standing there and I said: “Wow, that’s a beautiful body!” I was so enamoured with the image of my body in the mirror that I actually started kissing the mirror. I was kissing the mirror so hard that I could feel it start to break. I was in such a heightened state of consciousness, however, that I knew that even if the mirror broke and cut me all over, this would be no different to eating ice cream at the cinema. As I kissed the image of myself in the mirror, a tear came to my eye and I said to myself: “This is what Love really means!” When I was a kid I really wanted to be a game developer. Now I know you’re probably thinking: “Little did I know that in only thirty years I’d have grown up to be one of the most awakened people alive!” That’s just the thing: I really didn’t know. I need you to understand that it has taken years of deep growth and inner work for me to get to the place that you see me at today. I didn’t just get here by accident. Once you understand that, you’ll realise that one day you can reach my level of development too. Anyway… In this awakening, I finally realised… *looks away and tear wells up in eye*… I finally realised that I haven’t had anything worthwhile to say for years. All I do nowadays is repeat old stories about how I got to where I am today and intimidate people for not having taken the same dangerous untested substances that I have… It was a level of awakening so deep that I realised I’ve become a complete idiot. It was a level of awakening so deep that I realised that the only thing I’ve “actualised” is a rather questionable drug habit. It was a level of awakening so deep that it made me really start to question what I’m even doing here. That’s when I remembered: I have a gun in my draw! Why don’t I just get it out and end it all right now? I walked over to the cabinet, brought the gun over to the mirror, gave my reflection one final kiss for old times sake and got on my knees. I put the gun against my neck and my finger around the trigger. At the exact moment that I pulled the trigger I finally realised: “I am God!” Note: this is not an endorsement of suicide. What worked for me might not work for you. Not everyone will see the same results from this practise as I have.

Sure its significant when you deeply look at it, Its certainly questionable and rather profound but then that passes, the mind tends to then focus on something else. It comes back to the something vs nothing lessons. But generally the present moment also contains many emotions and feelings which change based on your actual state. so I think state changes are more interesting than the actual present moment. That would be saying something imo. Yesterday and tomorrow are only concepts as you know so they arent even worth mentioning due to their nonexistence. The present now moment really is only special when you dont have a bunch egoic reactions or anticipations or stresses getting in the way. But if you managed to bypass all those biological responses to where your just content and ease in the now, then I wouldnt call that awakened. Thats just being more grounded in yourself and in a relaxed state.

It's OK to talk about your awakening brother. You are among other awakened beings that is the point of this forum.

Stay in awakened state is to live in beauty, love, abundance, perceive the wonder of existence, the limitless. It's the real thing. being asleep is misery. Anyone with some of common sense wouldn't hesitate. you just have to give everything in return. all the misery, it is understood. But humans are so stupid that choose the misery

Yeah the embodiment is the thing. Its like you are a baby who has realized you can walk. Then you forget how to walk again. That has been my issue and I realize you must practice whatever techniques you need to maintain that state. Means you will need to change your diet, what you take in in terms of food, and content to keep yourself awake. But the truth is....you don't have to either if you don't want too also. But staying in an awakened state is the only way to maintain inner peace and who wouldn't want to be peaceful?

Yea I totally agree. And that also becomes clear when awakened. Language is an internal phenomenon which relies on the assumed meaning that others place on the same words. Language has an intelligence to it. Sometimes I wonder whether communication is metaphysical and fundamental to conciousness.

I do have every idea. But you don't because you hold your breath on every word some guru says. Need I say more? And yeah I've awakened without ever contemplating suicide. It's feasible and in fact contemplating suicide from the ego's perspective is more ego. Its selfishness. You don't know what you are talking about.

Compassion for your self. How awake are you really when the totality of existence is marred in illusion and ignorance? The compassion I speak of is totally transrational, totally transcendent of mind and will never make sense to the ego who’s adopted solipsism as a belief system. Notice how the ego mind is trying to create rationalizations and draw logical conclusions. Again, what Im talking about is so far beyond the self clinging mind, it will never make sense. However, notice, if it werent for other beings and to some extent the whole of realty attempting to wake you up, you would have never stumbled into the truth. It’s only out of the compassion of these masters, and more deeply, the compassion from the self that you are in a position to be speaking from truth. Don’t take credit and don’t underestimate how dependent you were on reality for waking you up, like a child to its mother. That compassionate force that conspired to wake you up may or may not proliferate in your body mind, thus continuing this cycle of self-awakening in other beings. If what I said about others cannot be reconciled with the illusion of others, you haven’t awakened to the true depths of solipsism. No. The reason masters don’t use psychedelics is the realizations they provide are a waking, moment by moment, lived and embodied reality for the master. Of course this goes against the actualized.org dogma, cuts through a certain flavor of closed mindedness the forum has adopted. I never claimed you were parroting Leo. It is interesting you offer that up and attempt to side step it though.

We seek to feel "good" in order to get to absolute good aka god. It's all a constant chasing of god all the time. "Survival" as some are talking about here I think is within this higher constant. We survive so that we can seek good. Pleasure itself is not survival. It's what we seek once we've survived. I started to think this was the case more as I uncovered my food addiction. I just had this strong association in my mind between God and food. It was hard to logically describe but everytime I thought about food, I thought about god. And if I thought about god long enough, I wanted to go eat! Edit: regarding survival, I think the ego does seek pleasure as a matter survival sure, but you are in every instant not the ego, the deeper constant overlaying the constant of survival is this self-seeking, and seeking of the "Good". Again, love/god/conciousness is the motive force of all being as I'm sure many would agree, we only do anything because we seek love/god/conciousness and self realization which is why when awakened there is always a deep sense like every thing that has ever happened has led perfectly to this moment

Not sure if it's just me but whenever I am deep in non-dual awareness, language feels very weird. I'm wondering how it feels for you? Remember when you were a kid and you keep repeating a word over and over till it loses its "meaning" - it feels something like that but not to the extent where I can't engage in language easily. Words come out of my mouth but it feels like someone else is speaking. I am speaking from pure intuition. When I hear others I feel their tone of voice and emotion so much more. The symbolic meaning of the word fades away and the emotion of the delivery takes center stage. Even reading words on text, the emotion and relative placement of the word has a feeling or "vibe" associates with it. I notice I read much slower when in non dual states as well. It becomes clear to me that language is a totally closed system and that as important as what IS said, is that is not being said. Silence implies all that is not being said. language as a construction of concious beings clearly shows itself to be a derivation of thought and object-subject duality. I feel like language is something that sort of "happens" and I more experience it rather than actively engage in it. That though is probably due to the "dissociation" that happens when Awakened where you sort of just submit to the universe and are in total flow. But I wonder if language is "concious" or has a subjectivity to it. The main thing is that every word I hear pulses with emotionality, tonality, and depth. The truth of language is not in what is said, but rather THAT the thing was said. Does you experience language differently when in non dual states?

At this point, I have experienced so many identity shifts, I almost don't recognize myself from 10 years ago anymore. I have experienced deep shifts that touched so many parts of my identity, both in depth and breadth, so my ego died and got reborn so many times, I'm almost not that person I was at all. It took a few "complete" -- or more accurately, major ego deaths, and many other minor ones. Just when my ego solidifies enough, somehow the events turn in such a way that causes it to take a hit, or even collapse in some cases. I think this is the reason why I don't have a personality type. Unfortunately, this is not the case for most people. Most people don't really change, like at all, from birth till death. They're just born some way, and they gather some conditioning throughout their childhood and early teens, and then remain the same forever. The saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is very true, because it applies to most people. I think besides people who undergo spiritual awakening, almost no one really changes. It's sobering to realize this fact, because I don't want to be thinking that others can share the same understanding as I, and then find out that that's not true. What I've come to realize recently is that nobody, unless they're spiritually awake, will understand what I'm saying. They will only ever interpret it from their distorted lens/worldview. I don't think this has to do with ego development or spiral dynamics as much as actually experiencing spiritual awakening, because awakening opens your eyes to things that normal people aren't even able to see/perceive. The normal person is only ever able to see their selfish interest without any regard for "impersonal truth". For the normal person, it's always personal, no matter what, even when they say or pretend otherwise, or even when they adopt not taking things personally as an ideology. Even seekers cannot understand me, because they will interpret my words from the spiritual ego's perspective. So it's futile, unless the other person is awake to the same depth as I am, which doesn't seem very common. Not that I'm the most awake person on earth, as I have caught some more awakened signals. But that they're really rare, and getting rarer as I'm awakening deeper. As a lesson and a general rule of thumb: People are patterns of behavior. Once you identify a pattern, make your judgement, then put a permanent label on the respective person. This will make your interactions easier, as it will provide you with more clarity on who/what you are dealing with.