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Finland: Rank 1 happiness. Also Finland: Rank 5 suicide rate.

So, perhaps I realize today that since I am already 26, I am broke and will spend the next two years working two jobs unrelated to my passions or interests... That my life is pretty well over. Well, my life in terms of music or art. I can still enjoy it as a hobby... But, without being able to make it a career I just have to let it go I guess. So, what now? I've been contemplating it. Besides blaming and cursing God for the rest of my life for creating my dumb ass. I think I can only do the following. 1. Focus on my financial health by studying books, saving, paying off debt and getting a healthy savings 2. Focus on my mental health 3. Build healthier relationships by dating, reading books and taking courses 4. Practice deeper and deeper states of surrender and acceptance 5. Focus on tripping on weekends for deeper spiritual insights. 6. Focus on over all health by eating well, sleeping well, and relaxing in when I am not at work 7. Embracing a boring, mediocre life realizing my dreams were crushed by my own stupidity and Gods love for just letting people suffer 8. Focus on reading as much as I can in my free time 9. Maybe go back to school and become a CPA so I can make six figures 10. Maybe create an online Qigong followering (but I don't find Qigong as creative as music) Basically, the only thing to do is make peace with how shit reality is. Then, maybe it wont be so shit. Maybe from that shit I can create a happier life can I ever thought possible? I just, I wish I could in a band like Arcadefire and experience the rush of that sound and that success. But, I feel like I fucked it all up. So, I am going to focus on security, relationships and deeper relaxation and states of health and surrender. I guess, it's like a living suicide. Work on my unconditional happiness. The path of surrender (while still making constructive life decisions) is the only thing that makes sense. Life does not give a fuck about me. So, I just gotta do what I can with what I have.

I'm really starting to feel like suicide is the most talked about subject on this forum outside of Spirituality. Its like either Spirituality or Suicide Ideation.....

I have this feeling chronically all day every day. I've had experiences of the other side and it felt much more unified and loving than it does here and I have a longing for that sense of love and wholeness that isn't obtainable in this world as the person that I am now. What stops me is that I have family members who would probably blame themselves, and they did cause many of my complications later in life to be quite honest, but I can't stand the idea of them having to find my body and live the rest of their lives in pain because of what I had done. I know that there is karma to be worked out on the other side, and I don't want to add to my karma by making other people miserable and then having to wait around for them to die to explain to them the pain that I was in. I also have some pets that would be confused and sad if I just disappeared one day. I've experienced what felt like my family on the other side before and although I don't remember them and don't know who they are, I miss them quite a lot and wish to get back to a place where imagination and fun and love are the predominant moving forces. So I spend my days contemplating, working through the fear and building on my death so that when the time comes it is something to be celebrated. I have a partner on the other side, I have a "pack" of other souls and wish to celebrate another level of existence with all of them. I feel frustrated with myself for having mental, emotional and physical problems and I don't have the adaptation or the energy to change. I think there is hope, but that hope lies in death. I think it will be a sweet, somewhat sadomasochistic release of a lot of pent up pain and confusion. I think there will be a sense of knowing and growth and ability that we don't have here in this world. But I also think that part of the process of this life is living it to the end, even if it's hard and even if you don't want to. I think that suicide could ruin the surprise, like opening a birthday present too early. But who knows. If consciousness has a plan for everything and is aware of the comings and goings of everything, then why would suicide be a surprise? Should it not be included in the experiences we set out to have? I don't know. What I do know is that we have a purpose while we are here, that our souls are meant to grow in awareness and that this world aids in the process of that. I just hope that when all is said and done, that I don't have to come back here ever again. I want to be wrapped up, warm, safe, loved, whole, capable, complete, genuine, free and fully spirited with powers greater than myself. Death will either be a wonderful experience, or nothing at all. But yeah, I do think about it a lot, I just can't do it because I know that the ramifications of my actions will create something that I don't want for myself or other people. I might do it after my parents pass away, and if God is good then my disease will just kill me sooner rather than later and I won't have to worry about any of this, I can just go. Like a free get out of class card. I wish the world was fun, loving, safe, connected and peaceful but it's not and it takes people away from who they really are. I've lost my spark. My desire to progress in any meaningful way and one day blends into the next. There has to be something better for everyone on the other side. I have a strong faith in this.

I get this feeling sometimes..in facing all the complications and the shit we endure in life..isn't it tempting to just jump off a tall building or hang yourself and be done with it all ? Of course the only problem is fear .death is the number one thing we fear .and we also don't know what comes after death .maybe its something worse than our current shitty life . This is all making me sick thinking about those psychological dynamics and the amount of fear and insanity that goes in our lives. My only question..is there Hope ?

If you truly and carefully do the work and open your heart to GOD/source/infinite intelligence/infinite creativity, then you will discover more and more that miracles become commonplace and vice versa. You will see like @jimwell is saying: In the end, work is work, also if that work is exciting, also if that work is art. I can tell you this from experience because I've spent most of my 20s wishing for some of the "important-art-people" to "discover me" and see how "oh-so-amazing-and-talented" I am... Haha. And now it sort of happened, but you know... It happened a few months after I lost the love of my life to suicide, and that changed everything. Even though I'm so happy that I can freely spend my days doing art and feel financially secure from that atm, then it's worth nothing if I don't work on my grief, finding some appreciation for the smaller things in life. Another thing is that you make better art with an open heart and if you have life experience, having taught yourself how to feel connected to GOD, even though things seem dull or even painful. What is art? isn't it a form of telepathy when all comes down to it? You want other people to get a glimpse of a story or experience, or feeling you have lived. Then the art will be a million times better if you become a person worth learning something from. For example, someone that can see art and beauty even in things that seems mediocre to others. Another thing is that even with all the time and money in the world, you won't be able to spend the time properly, sitting down with yourself and making the art because being with yourself and your own inner life will be too painful if you haven't healed all the shit that is troubling you now. So grow up. This is life. If you are truly an artist to your core, you will be able to experience art (as in everything that exists) anywhere and enjoy it without needing to be the one that has made it. Amazing, you have to go be part of an interactive art constellation every day and play your part, and the artist is no other than the humble but very famous GOD ALMIGHTY. And you will even get paid? and maybe even get inspired to write beautiful songs? How fucking lucky you are. You can't make art if you don't live through mediocre things. Art is about love, grief, fear, etc. = ordinary things and the same old stories. And that is beautiful.

I don't know how to keep living with this. The reality is that I have to. I feel so alone; no one can experience this with me. I can tell our story a million times, but I can never hear it again because he is not here to tell it back. I woke up just now. Having spent yesterday at his parent's, I went to bed almost immediately after returning home. W talked for hours. So many things had happened during the half year we had the break. One thing is that there had been an episode where they had taken him to the psychiatric emergency department. He had been told he would get discharged almost immediately if they took him in, so he had declined it. His mom seemed angry about that. She said that even if that's the case, they shouldn’t necessarily say that because then, of course, he wouldn't go. Another thing is that the day of the suicide was the day before he had a scheduled appointment with a psychiatrist at the hospital. I don't know why for sure, but that information felt important to me, maybe because I have felt bad for not contacting his parents or pushing him more to get help. I'm not sure, maybe that's not completely it. And I know the system is fucked up. All they do is throw anti-depressants and sleep meds around everywhere instead of helping people heal the roots of the problems. He had been given some sleep medication, but he didn't want to take it, he only took half a dose because he was afraid to get addicted. And I'm like, wtf. Any addiction would be better than you doing this! and also, if you ingested so many weird health supplements, drugs, and medicines all the time, also illegal ones, then why couldn't you just try some fucking sleeping pills. It makes me so angry. They showed me his final letter. I became angry reading it, I haven't felt so much anger in this before. I had looked sort of forward to reading it. I thought it would help me understand better and get more closure, but I couldn't recognize his voice at all. It was two papers, not many words. He said he had an amazing life, amazing parents, and amazing friends, but that he couldn't sleep and couldn't take it anymore. He said he wasn't there, that he couldn't watch a movie or have conversations, he said life is beautiful, but only if you can be present, and that he couldn't be present, that he wasn't there anymore. But then. Why. not. just. do. the. fucking. fucking. fucking. sleeping. pills. There is this feeling. I have tried it a couple of times, where you are in the middle of a breakup fight, and you feel sad and scared, but beneath it all, you also feel a little bit excited about your decision and that things are going to change. But then the other part calms down, and you sit and sort of open your hearts to each other, and you feel connected. Then a part of you actually feels scared that you won't need to break up anyway, it's like a feeling deep down that you almost won't admit to yourself, and you might even say something that will ruin the connection or get the discussion starting again. I think he might have had that feeling, that he had made the decision and now he couldn't handle to change his plans, or he felt that tiny bit of excitement and probably a lot of relief, so he didn't want to put himself into a scenario that would make him change his mind, thinking he might have to go through all of this again at a later point. Now he just wanted to get it over with. At the end of the letter, he had written down a number to a tinder girl he had been seeing and a small message to her. I knew he was seeing her even when we thought about starting couples therapy. It hurt a lot, which was unexpected because usually, I have felt completely good about him having experiences with other girls. Maybe it's because I feel sad he didn't write anything to me. Maybe it's because I realize that he had grown closer to her, having spent a year and a half sort of dating her. His father told me they only spend time together on the weekends, and that is also how I understood it. As if it was mostly a sexual thing. Also, because he talked so much about our relationship while he had her, and the last time I saw him, he had just woken up from sleeping with some other girl even. I don't know, I feel stupid for obsessing so much over this. It's just that I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for those last six months and that she was there and got to know him right until the end. Wow, I feel so angry at her, It's a long time since I've felt jealous like this, not since high school. I feel like I could hit her. They gave me one of his hoodies and one of his t-shirts. It's so weird to see them lying on my floor as if he just took them off and went to the shower or something, as if he will be here in a minute. It's like he misses inside them. I don't know how I feel about them. In one way, I want to wear them all the time and never take them off, in another way, I want to put them away and never look at them again. His father told me that's how he has felt about pictures. He said he had been worried that it would be too difficult to have me visiting because when they look at me, they are so reminded of him, and also because I said I would bring the book I made with photographs. They really appreciated it. His dad was surprised in a good way when I said it was for them to keep. He said it multiple times. They invited me to come with them to their summerhouse next month, where they will spread his ashes out on the sea. I think it is the best idea. It was his brothers' idea. Wave in the Ocean. I said I would very much like to come and be a part of it but that I thought they should discuss it as a family and then let me know later if they still wanted me to come. I hope they won't change their minds, but their needs come first in this. I opened up to them about how I felt lonely in the grief because I wasn't part of his friend's group for real. They said they had thought about inviting the people from the funeral over for his birthday in the fall. I would like that, but fuck how much better it would be if it was just a regular birthday and he would be there. They also gave me back a birthday present I had given him once. it's an orbit mobile that resembles a planet with rings around it. I have hung it in the window over my bed, I looked at it while falling asleep yesterday. I feel mixed about it now because I feel sad looking at it, but it is also so pretty and reminds me so much of him and what we shared. I feel so ashamed, especially for the early part of our relationship, when we were 20-21. And it is from then that his parents remember me the most. I wasn't a very good girlfriend. I was picking on him a lot about small stupid things. I was so stupid and childish, I didn't know how to behave or be nice, and I didn't know anything about love. I was picking on him because he couldn't put up a hook for that stupid mobile. It had been lying under the bed for a long time. Then I said I would marry him if he ever actually put it up. But I didn't. I wish I could get just one more chance to love him. I know in some ways, you could say I get second chances all the time, for he is other people just as much as he was himself, and I can almost hear him say that in my head. But you know what I mean, I just wish I could kiss him. Him, exactly him. I tried to explain our complicated relationship a little bit to them, I think they got a better understanding of how big of a part of my life he was, even though we were apart a lot of the time. But I also think they thought it sounded crazy. I told his father how Wave had said to me that he needed to be with the tinder girl to learn some particular things and that I needed to be with someone else I slept with at that time to learn some other particular things, and he connected in with some astrological stuff, and then, when we had done that and learned those things, then we would be ready to be together. And his father just shook his head, saying that this was escaping from his fear into some sort of philosophical reveries, and it just hit me. That we think we are so special, so enlightened, so developed, but sometimes people who just live without thinking too much about it can teach us a lot, sometimes they are so much wiser, we kill ourselves from thinking too much trying to be Gods trying to plan and figure out, instead of just living as bodies. God's bodies, of course. But bodies. The last thing they gave me was the big yellow bowl he used to eat oatmeal in. It was his, I always got another one, a smaller, I'm not sure I have actually ever eaten from this one. It's stupid small things that matter. This experience has changed me so much and is changing me so much. I get scared, not knowing what to be sure of anymore. I'm so tired of him being dead, It's like a part of me thinks that it's something I'll have to endure for a couple of months, but it's not, it will never be over, at least not until I'm dead too. I thought this would give me closure, but It just opened up more things and more feelings. It's Sunday today. I don't know what to do with myself. There is no one else than myself that can sit with this feeling, but I'm so tired of trying to teach myself to be alone. I can never win. And now, there is a whole other dimension to that because if we haven't been so focused on teaching me to be alone and teaching him to be more outward, then maybe we could have ended up just as a normal couple. But I have to stop thinking about what if. I have to trust God, and I have to trust Wave I really really have to. And I just have to live. When I went home yesterday on the train, I, of course, felt it would be peaceful just to end it now as well, now I delivered the stories and the pictures, maybe I could also leave now and be in peace with him. But I'm thinking that if we were playing a video game together, and he died, he would maybe go get some snacks in the kitchen and then come sit beside me and watch me finish the game, cheering on me, he would think I was stupid if I turned the game off, maybe even right before the finish line, maybe we are very close to winning the game if I just hold on a little bit longer, and I have to keep my eyes on the screen, trusting that he sits there right beside me, but I can't look, I have to trust.

I know he has a video on nihilism and older videos about depression. But in the light of new levels of awareness he reached recently,I hope that Leo can cover the topic of depression and suicidal thoughts more in depth. Why antidepressants don't work ..and a spiritual advanced solution.

Maybe it’s just me but I resent my parents for creating me. Life will inevitably contain some pain, and for many an unbearable amount, from which the only escape is death. Suicide can be very difficult: a failed attempt can cause more suffering, and can cause it for those around the person doing it. No sane person would say we should subject an innocent being to undeserved suffering without consent . it’s unjust by societal standards, why should doing this to someone not yet alive be different? Since there is no possible way to get the consent of a being not yet alive, antinatalism seems like the only logical position.

@Superfluo You don't seem to have a signature currently. Could you link the posts please? @Anirban657 How long will you be taking the medications for? Key thing here is "good doctor". Last time I put my faith in a doctor I almost died to suicide, had they given me warnings about the medication they prescribed it wouldn't have been so bad... because I wouldn't have taken it in the first place knowing how risky it is for people under 18.

Some of Schopenhauer's best insights were his ideas about the centrality of boredom. Boredom sits at the heart of the human condition. If we were in a survival situation, that is all we would be consumed with...the means to putting food in our mouth, getting hydrated, and finding comfortable shelter from the elements. In an industrialized, complex network of production and consumption, this is all atomized into our little "work" pursuits. On the other side of the spectrum, waiting for us is boredom. Boredom lays bare that existence isn't anything BUT striving-after. We strive to survive and be comfortable. Then, if we do not have any entertainment pursuits to occupy our mental space, we may get existential. "Why are we doing this repetitive upkeep, maintenance, and thrashing about?" It becomes apparent about uselessness of existence. Then we start looking for an ounce of pleasure.. we all try to submerge in these entertainments to not face the existential boredom straight on. That would be too much to dwell in for too long. We design goals, and virtues and reasons, and entertainments, and standards to meet, and trying to contribute to "something". We cannot fall back on the default of existence.. the boredom. So what is one to do? If suicide isn't a real option, there is only the perpetual cycle. The illusion is that it can be broken. Schopenhauer deigned freedom by asceticism. but it's simply training the mind to live with the existential striving-after more easily. That is all .a mental technique. It is not a metaphysical escape hatch.

@Devin These guys end up hurting themselves socially more than their wives could ever have. Many of them end up in jail serving life sentences. Others commit suicide afterwards. Also there any many murders among couples who are not even married, and therefore have nothing to separate.

I wasn't joking, lol. Toxic Orange mindset right here. No one asked to be born. Life is forced upon us. If you want to force everyone to work to live, then you better provide legal suicide booths in every city, and somehow find a way to eliminate trauma for all affected by the suicides. Each person on average contributes something like a few million to the economy during their lifetime. People are profitable. Why do you think suicide is illegal? You're killing the government's livestock by committing suicide. Is Trump less lazy than OP? He's lazier than the lowest paid members of society, yet somehow he gets a pass because he's rich and successful in the eyes of Oranges. If you actually looked at the effort rich people have to put into their work, it's not much different to a homeless person sitting on a street holding a cup.

I think it requires a certain level of awareness and consciousness development to be able to work with mental health condition, especially a complex one such as Bipolar, Schizophrenia or major depression. Medications are there to ease life for people who do not have tools, knowledge or resources to handle these holistically. Medication prevent people from killing themselves during states of mania and hyperarrousal. If you are a highly developed individual, chances are you can, for example deal with a panic attack through a breath work and introspection but for people in spiral dynamics stage blue who are not aware of such practices even existing, medication is what helps them and keeps them from making a suicide attempt. They are not ideal and for moderate conditions such as mild to moderate depression, they do not work as well but for extreme conditions, meds are actually very helpful. The problem is that once people are put on meds, they do not receive further support. Meds should be used to alleviate major symptoms so that core issues can be addressed, which is where an integrative approach such as IFS comes in. It's like asking someone to hold a carpet while you vacuum clean underneath

I don't think Jordan is all bad. He's a psychologist that's helped people. He sometimes offers decent advice to people who are struggling. Many people have stated he's saved them from suicide. He's a human being remember. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone at him.

Agreed. This is why people commit suicide. You don't know what death is, no one does, as you haven't experienced it. You know what pain and suffering is though. And we conceptualize death as sometimes a release from pain.

My arguement is that, you are not actually afraid of death. But what you are really terrified of is suffering and pain. This has been evident by countless examples. People are commiting suicide everyday because they cannot take any more the torture and misery of their lives. Also speaking of torture, i've seen video where a guy was being tortured, and was in so incredible and terrifying level of pain that he was begging to be killed. And the only reason you fear the unknown , is because you are afraid you won't like it. If i told you, after death everything will be ok with no suffering and pain you would not fear it that much. Maybe there are exceptions to this. There are masochists outhere but they enjoy only particular forms of pain. People make constantly the arguement that you are always afraid of death because what you do each day is take care of your body to avoid it. But that's not quite accurate. You are forced to take care of your body otherwise you will suffer for it. If you don't drink water, it causes distress to you. Your body is sending you all these nagging signals. Thirst motivates you to drink for example. Suffering and pain motivate you to take care of your body, and not so much the fear of death. Sure subsconciously your brain doesn't wanna die either, but what is else to fear other than pain and suffering in life? Also lastly, to illustrate my point: When you go to sleep at nigh, do you fear it?

@Jannes Trans people like me and your friend can't go a minute without our legitimacy or existence questioned or laughed out, it's really humiliating and degrading. No wonder the suicide rate for us is so high. After a while I'm questioning whether I'm respecting myself being on this forum or not, I don't think I am. Yh fuck it I'm done with forum and actualized.org, y'all can fun with your culture war bullshit. I'm better than this. @Leo Gura thank you for all of the content you've put out throughout the years, it's been life changing for me. Take care.

Conservatives aren't ashamed of it. They want to be associated with it and claim the victory. It's finally a win for them and their voter base from a generally ineffective and toothless party, it's a big morale boost. So there is no reason for them to disavow or try to spin it. The dumb majority opinion is "Trump elected a conservative judge, which is the reason Roe v Wade got overturned, so it's ultimately Trump's fault." That opinion is already cemented in public consciousness and it's too late to change it. You guys really can't conceive that removing abortion rights isn't some political suicide hot potato that conservatives would want to offload haha. Don't worry, Biden and the Dems have enough problems to handsomely lose the midterms without also blaming loss of abortion rights on them.

I'm weak, but I'm not thinking of committing suicide. Will face those bastards. No worries. ? What about transgenders?

Only weak people think of suicide as a solution. Face your problems/demons, we all have them. Sidenote: Women have a solipsistic view of life, not men.

Some say God created itself. Logically this is false. The source didn't choose to give birth to itself. Giving birth is only possible for those who are alive. To give birth to oneself means to be dead and then to become alive by choice. But if one is dead then one can't give birth so there is no option to give birth to itself. So God must be uncreated. Meaning it has no choice but to exist unless it can commit suicide. It can give birth to stuff. That is called "God's creation". Thoughts?

@JoeVolcano Thats easy to say when you dont get hate crime for wearing what you want, called wrong pronouns and names, assumed about so much, considered a threat, not automatically accepted by family, bullied for who you are etc. Dont minimize peoples experiences. You dont even know how long theyve been questioning and how long theyve had to "grow out". Id rather have the entire cisgender community grow out of selfishness and entitlement though. You already receive more life every day, because all these things dont apply to you, not even mentioning rape and suicide statistics. There are millions of trans people in the world, its not just some petty personal cause, and they dont receive the love that you do in so many areas of life. Your life can still be difficult in other ways, but dont forget that trans people also have lives and they have the discrimination plus all the other challenges. That is what drives so many to kill themselves. If you see that as something that should be overlooked for your own comfort of not having to respect people, if you see people as radical for wanting equal rights, then thats pretty damn disgusting.

I have a lot of thoughts about this. First of all... Ya'll should know I love going to drag shows. I only say this so you can understand that I am nuanced in that I don't fit into one side or the other. In fact, I am not going to a pick a side in this conversation but... Embrace not knowing, and taking into account more and more data, opinions and statistics and events over time as I go about formulating my understanding of all the related areas of understanding here. At the same time. How I look at the world and define the world is up to me. There is is a lot nuance to be looked at here, and I sense there are higher level distinctions we can make when looking at Trans rights in society. I am aware of some stats around Trans suicide, and crimes committed against transgender people. However, don't let your emotions and fears make your thinking emotionally charged... and therefore sloppy, demonizing others on the forum etc. The actual reach this particular thread is going to have isn't likely to be that deep. So, just breath, relax... lets have a conversation. I think there is a difference between being transphobic, and hating people for their identify, sexuality and preferences and then having opinions or your own metaphysics around what a man or woman is. For me, personally. A trans person is a trans person. I call them by their preferred pronouns. I'd love to hangout and get to know you. But, I do biologically born women as women, biologically born men as men. If they are born that, and identify as that then... thats how I see it. I see a transwoman as a transwoman and a biologically born woman as a biologically born woman. I think part of the issue here, is that trans people carry with them a lot of shame, and struggle to love themselves. So, when I don't completely see you the way you want me to.. you think I hate you. But, thats not true. So, do I call Transwomen women? Yes. But, when it comes to something like a bathroom, a sport, etc... I then have to take into account many other factors that involve the concerns of other members of our communities, science, peoples paradigms, the potential for dishonest actors, etc... It's really a complicated topic. I don't want to be shunned, shamed, attacked, canceled etc for people someone who is learning, who's opinions are nuanced and complicated. Not understanding, or having opinions around gender that don't match yours... Isn't hate. I love everyone. But, I am learning. Remember, gender and even sex is a construct. But, what is what? I don't know. One of my favourite songs. Your tells are so obvious Shoulders too broad for a girl Keeps you reminded Helps you to remember where you come from You want them to notice The ragged ends of your summer dress You want them to see you Like they see every other girl They just see a fa***** They hold their breath not to catch the sick Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone with you With you, with you You've got no cu** in your strut You've got no hips to shake And you know it's obvious But we can't choose how we're made You want them to notice The ragged ends of your summer dress You want them to see you Like they see every other girl They just see a fa***** They hold their breath not to catch the sick Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone with you With you, with you You want them to notice The ragged ends of your summer dress You want them to see you Like they see every other girl They just see a fa***** They hold their breath not to catch the sick Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone Rough surf on the coast, I wish I could have spent the whole day alone with you With you, with you

Last point- remember how i said i was really trying to be loving? What i mean by that is ive written up a list of rules/ways of acting that must be followed at all times. One example is im never allowed to show signs of anger/ displeasure incase this hurts someone. If you ask someone who knows me i promise you theyll telk yoh yhat after leaving school i never got angry. I also another long list of rules with the goal of making me SEEM more loving and warm. Why SEEM and not actually be loving? Incase people treat me the way MICHAEL TREATED TOBY and im unable to control my emotions. Also im afraid prolonged loneliness mjght make me lose touch with things like empathy. Im hoping that by acting loving and as warm as i can someday ill be able to connect with people and find a warm group of friends who will also show me some affection. Then maybe ill heal and ill be able to genuinely love others without having to force my self.instead of having to force myself to not get angry, i just wont get angry out of love. I promise you that if you ask anyone who knows me theyll tell you i tried to be loving. Please be sure to ask them about my actions in depth. Keep in mind if it is the case that im ugly, actions that i did with the aim of being loving might have been interpreted as something else. Im not an expert on human behaviour but i tried my best to be like what i thought others wanted to see in a friend. I hope one day i can show you all my rules. Please know i tried friend. But dont take my word for it. Ask my coworkers , family and people from school. Theyll tell you how i was someone who never missed to wish them on their birthday. Probe alittle more and youll find they arent too sure if they wished me. This is just a little part of my life that shows you what kind of life i lived. Btw -on my 21 st birthday this year ,nobody except close family wished me. Think about that alittle. While others 21sts are supposed to be a major event, nobody from outside my family wished me. How would that make ylu feel? Have ylu ever experienced someting similar? If you probe youll find how hard i tried to find a connection but couldnt. Another thing that has constantly been on my mind lately is the possibilty that ill die without ever having an intimate relationship. Imagine the mental turmoil of never being able to hug someone, make someone laugh, talk and share secrets all night while your significant other giggles and is happy. Especially for someone whos only goal in life is that.i dont want credit or praise and whatever jve done is inexvusable and is deserving of severe punishment until you think justice is served. but i just want to point out that in the midst of this mental ache, hopelessness,being alone without any friends for 2+ years , today at this time i made a descision to be loving. I dont know if youll ever see this or if ill ever show this to you. Again im deeply sorry. Its time i got on with my loving path now. I promise to work hard and to keep the spreading of suffering at bay for as long as i can. Not to toot my horn but i personally dont know anyone who has taken up a challenge like mine. Even david goggins had friends/ gf etc. I have to push all alone. For who knows how long? I hope one day i find friendship and companionship and no longer have to force love.i hope someone out there accepts me into their circle. I dont believe in a personel god but if a god does exist i have only 1)if you can see into the future and know im going to harm some one please take my life away today before i do And if you dont take away my life 2)if therer are other rules to follow that will make me reduce others suffering/ make me seem/be more loving please make them known to me. 3) please let my actions lead to a warm affectionate connection with someone. I mean no offence by saying i dont believe. Its just that im not convinced at the moment ×××EDIT- if your wondering why although desperate for a relationship i never asked anyone out ,its because i always want to leave the possibilty of suicide open ie-after my parents death. If i do so i have zero chance of hurting anyone else right? As ive stated before the reason why i dont commit suicide now is because it will cause suffering to my family as jp said. Not nececerilly becUse theh love me but due to social backlash and things like thag as well. I dont want to ask someone out ajd then leave them high and dry. Instead my gameplan is to act as loving and be as warm as i can. And if that ends up being attractige someone hopefully shell make the first move. Again -i dont want to make the first move and postpone my life.just being alive causes harm to animals(even vegans during crop production) and beinh culpable in exploitinh workers who work in factories etc. Unless im absolutely lovable i dont want want to live for long and cause harm. But at the same time i must admit i hope someone is attracted to me and i get to xp what its like to cuddle,hug,kiss, laugh together, have sex,make her feel good and all that. I guese if you have alot of friends/people who get pleasure by you being alive and want to be next to you their is a chance the pleasure you give to them outweigjs the harm causes to animals/ factory workers right? Thats my line of thinking Anyway Goodbye and all the best to myself. I hope i never do so much harm that ill have to show this to someone. But who can gurantee anything right? Look up charles whitman.he was a decent man who due to a brain tumor which he wasnt responsible for became a murderer. The same thing might happen to me right? I hope it doesnt. My chosen path is clear now and i have to go and follow it --may all beings be well and happy ????????????????????????????????❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤??????????????? And agains,please please please remeber that i tried to walk the loving path. Remember to ask family, coworkers ,people from school thanks. You dont need to take my word for it