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You've no right or need to wake people up beyond what they're ready for. Allow others to be ignorant. Ignorance is bliss. Who's to say you even know what you're talking about? Maybe they all know something you don't. ?

.... among other realizations/understandings about the Real You and Absolute Reality itself, also understanding that the separate self is a structure/process of doing something like shown in the video below, leading to an everlasting cycle of sometimes suffering and being a little bit less (or a lot less) than permanently happy. And then stopping doing the rock-thing. And being happy ever after, at least what psychological suffering is concerned. If somebody disagrees on the no-more-suffering part: You can keep your Awakening/beliefs, and my consciousness-stream keeps its "own" little endless reservoir of the bliss of our True Nature. For more technical explanations, see my previous posts. Bon voyage Water by the River PS: With such a statement, the participation fee for the "rolling the rock up the mountain contest" is certainly well paid. Lets end with this: “We live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality. We are that reality. When you understand this, you see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything. That is all.” ― Kalu Rinpoche

Instead of relying on memory (which isn't real), realize pure bliss, peace, love, and silence, which is what you absolutely are. The absolute allows glimpses of this, where it stops identifying as a person bound by space and time, but then returns to entanglement with the dream. Mind-habits have to be let go of entirely. It only seems scary, because you are identified with the ego, which isn't real. In pure bliss, peace, love, and silence there is nothing to be scared of. How to let go? Hear truth, contemplate without conceptualizing it, and be it. Easier said than done, but still possible, especially when aided by the severing blade of suffering.

I can't accept the truth from the form's perspective, my ego is scared to death haha Yes, I'm very ambivalent about spirituality, but I remember those moments when I was fully awake. It was pure bliss, peace, love, silence.

I’m getting close to it. I have so much space. But is it safe? Should I do this? I remember reading a few times on this forum people saying not to do it. Yet again most people say that this is the only way to true happiness. Disidentifying from mind. Leo & others say that’s a true hallmark to being yellow. I’m so damn tired of the mind. It never stops wanting. It’s always suffering. I just want to disidentify from it & live in states of bliss. I do want to transcend it, I still want to have experiences, but I want to make the mind my humble servant. Whenever I have a negative emotion or thought I just come back to myself, the empty spaciousness inside. I don’t look into them to discover and integrate my shadow. The times I’ve tried to look into them it just stresses me out.

Ignorance is bliss.

Just wanted to give an update. I found myself meditating for two hours yesterday (originally only wanted to do 20 minutes). After the session I was still in a meditative state while going about my business. As I was in the shower, the concept I had of myself collapsed (like it has many times before) - pure bliss! Note… I did find myself contemplating impromptu an hour into the meditation session, which could explain how I was able to go deeper. I’m excited to explore more!

Take it to the next level: Sex being an immaculate performance, bliss manifesting from you and your partner in unison.

Sup guys. So I am planning to do a self-healing retreat using 5-MEO-DMT (plugging) and MDMA (oral) tonight. I have already had around 15 5-MEO trips at 30mg-40mg, and at this point, there is no fear or resistance, only pure bliss and love during the trip. So, I have finally decided to trip again tonight and am curious to see how adding MDMA will deepen my understanding toward love and God. I won't do them together at the same time. Instead, I'm planning to plug 5-MEO first and then take MDMA after the trips end, but I'm still wondering if there are any potential risks or damage when doing them on the same night. Has anyone done this before, and what are your thoughts on it?

Alright… so most of my day was tackling the kitchen… lol… I got most of it done. If I feel like it tomorrow…. I think I’ll be able to finish it up. It’s funny because I find things my dads placed somewhere… I think this doesn’t need to be in the kitchen and so I take it into the studio area which I just organized, but now I have more things to figure out where they go. I keep reminding my dad that he’ll have to participate in this one day. I want to know what’s comfortable for him… where he feels he wants his tools and such which makes sense to him. I told him I’m doing my type of ceremony for him… purging out some of his things and cleaning it up so he has the opportunity to either enjoy the organization and likes knowing where things are or he’ll be in habits and it’ll just start looking like his normal. It was a bit of a challenge through the winter definitely. I found myself having similar habits… lol… we don’t have running water or hear… so there’s not a whole lot of motivation… good thing I was lost in my own world of creativity and journaling.. lol.. but I can sympathize with him. And I’m sure he thinks it’s going to take forever to clean and organize so he chooses not to do it. Hopefully he can see that it really doesn’t take long when we put our focus on to something. But I’m hoping he feels better with the space open and clean. I know it was making me fell pretty suffocating when I first arrived. I didn’t want to bombard him with a ton of change all at once, but once I realized he didn’t care too much for me to get rid of things… then it’s a lot easier. That’s the thing… it’s much easier for me to get rid of things then for him…. Plus I’ve got an idea of what he’s particular with… so it’s not that hard. I took my little buddy outside today. Last time he seemed to be more relaxed around the house so I thought I’d just stay here and have him explore. Well right when we went outside the gray cat, Sissy came up… and they do not like each other. In fact I’ve been hearing them hissing at each other at the windows.. I went outside first to see if she was around and it seemed like the coast was clear. But I placed him on the grass.. he went to start having a snack and there she comes. I tried to take him in the back yard and she followed. My dad was able to get Sissy to the front, but by then my little buddy Elvis was in flight mode. I couldn’t stop him from hiding and also he just wanted to dart back inside. So we did. We’ve got another beautiful day tomorrow.. I might take him to a little park that’s small and hopefully not too crowded. See how he does. Speaking about cats my dad is getting more concerned for the new guy… one-eyed Jack… he is definitely scrawny and he hasn’t really been eating. He’s been inside for about a month and he’s not showing signs of getting any healthier. He’s more comfortable with us and loves attention… he’s like a little shadow.. not me but my dad too. But he’s afraid he might die soon. I told him I’m not sure what to do really. I recalled the dog I was trying to help on my dieta from the village. There were a good amount of dogs running around which were pretty healthy.. but there was one that looked like a skeleton. I didn’t know why none of the village wasn’t trying to help the guy out. I ended up taking him back to the center with… my shaman wasn’t too happy about it, but I was trying to see if we could nurse it back to health. I was unsuccessful. Within a week he ended up passing and we buried him on the land. I’ve been thinking about death or at least transitioning from this physical perception. And there’s just little bits and pieces that I’ve been thinking so it makes me want to tumble it around a bit more. But yeah… maybe this cat is about to die. We don’t want it to die, but what if he’s to the point that we can’t do much except love him until he passes? That’s how I felt when my grandparents were in hospice. I’ll touch back on that in a bit. But the same thing happened with the dog in the jungle. At first I was a little upset that the village wasn’t trying to help this guy out. But there’s a tendency for other animals to treat the sick animal unwell… like keeping it away from them or trying to get it to run off or even try to kill it. I was visiting a girlfriend who bought land and a center in a Peruvian village and she had a group of dogs that she was taking care of. She was nursing them to health and trying to get them to be adopted eventually. What maybe seven or eight dogs. One of the dogs was all bones… and the alpha dog was a Great Dane. They were all good dogs but the Great Dane hated that sick dog. Lol.. if it’s not obvious yet… I’m a bit crazy. So the Great Dane would attack this sick guy and I would jump in every time I was around to stop it. But it happened constantly. I’d be carrying the sick dog away many times… he’d have wounds to heal. I’m not sure how long after I left the Great Dane did end up killing the dog. Again… I wanted the dogs to get along… and I wasn’t really mad at their behavior but maybe they sense something more than what I can sense? Because I didn’t see any dogs really around this sick dog in the village either. I know my cat really doesn’t seem to like anyone other than me… lol… but he’s trying to keep Jack away too. Actually I hadn’t thought of this before… but my brother nursed our dog back to health growing up with Pedialyte. Maybe I can give that a try. It was different with our dog.. she was trying to hide to die… and the cat seems to want attention but it’s weak. I know I’ll feel bad when the cat dies. Especially because it seems like it’s been neglected since it’s been born… he finally has a chance to at least have some people love on him and give him some shelter when he needs it. My dad says many things about being sick of cats around… but he’s got a good heart and he’s worried about the little guy even though he’s new to the house. But we don’t know what it was going through before we met him. I just find situations where I want to help animals who are on the verge of dying and they end up dying even though I try to stop it. I feel sad because again I feel the life they were living wasn’t easy for them. And I know once I entered into their lives I would give them attention and love… so at least they have that before they pass. I know I want to continue to work with animals.. I absolutely love them. I’ve actually had animals be guests in ceremony with me too. I’ve done ceremonies with Elvis which has been quite beautiful but I’ve also had three dogs join as well. Mostly I’m just trying to clear out their energies… one ceremony it was really cool because I was able to settle them all down at the same time… it was as if they felt the energy and intent of the moment. And Elvis was a really good helper in one particular ceremony. There was a guy who wasn’t comfortable. He was pacing inside and he would go outside and pace. He was having issues with kidney stones and even passing his stool. But there were a few guests… so if he was outside pacing and I was inside with another guest… I’d hear Elvis meowing… and he’d be looking outside.. he’s like go check on this guy… I’m worried about him… lol… so I would. Spend time and return into the Maloca and continue…. But he did that about three times that night and that was the first time he’s been so vocal in ceremony… especially with a gentleman he doesn’t even know. He could just feel the energy and it seemed like he was really concerned. Elvis knows I am trying to connect and communicate with him… I respond fairly quickly if he’s meowing to acknowledge him and watch him to see what he’s wanting from me. But yeah maybe I need to learn more about how to treat illness with animals. Reminds me a little time in my life when I was quite young I thought I’d want to be a veterinarian until I found out I’d also have to put them down at times… so I decided not to. But darn it.. I guess that’s just what I’m supposed to do or at least be involved with a some extent. I’m not sure if any who reads this has seen an animal or a human take their last breath. It’s intense and it rips at the heart when it happens. I’ve been there for a dog and I’ve been there with my grandma. It’s tough but I also had time to help them prepare though too and that seems to help in the transition and being present to observe the transition happening. Is more of that going to be part of my experiences? When I thought I was going to die and I thought my shaman was going to help me pass… it made sense to me at the time. Again I remembered being there for my grandparents when we knew their time was short. I feel blessed that I had those experiences. They meant so much to me and when they decided to go into hospice I knew that my time with them was short… and I’m going to be a part of that. I think I intuitively knew this would be the best way for me to process losing them from my physical presence. I was in my first semester in college when my grandma went to hospice. They didn’t think she would last but a few days. The family caretakers had a lesson on what to do and what to possibly look for when death is imminent. There have been some instances that they could be completely clear, competent and conscious right before they pass. I was hoping to experience that moment with my grandma, but it didn’t happen. My grandma was unfortunately in a vegetative state when she went to her home for hospice. She had an allergic reaction in the hospital which cause multiple seizures. I was on the night shifts with my dad… We had to take care of her bodily fluids because she couldn’t consciously do them for herself. I remember helping her with her mouth and swabbing it with these sucker sponges… sponge baths… giving her medication anally because she couldn’t swallow… none of this bothered me. I just wanted her to be as comfortable as she could be in those moments. I’d still give her massages… comb her hair.. we’d still talk to her and tell her how much she meant to us all. My grandpa was having a very hard time with it all. My grandma did almost everything for him… he was terrified to live without her… and I could hear him at night crying and telling her… begging her not to leave him. Telling her that he’s scared and doesn’t want to live without her… it was heartbreaking. I felt so bad for my grandpa… but I also knew he was going to be taken care of and he’ll eventually gain the strength to overcome his loss. Well we were going to do our best to get him to overcome. My grandma’s sister passed before her and her husband didn’t last a month after she passed. So we didn’t want the same thing to happen for him, but really who are we to say when the best time is for someone to pass? I’d say that individual knows to some extent when they want to pass? Especially if the choice is taken away by someone’s action that leads to that passing. We knew we had to get my grandpa confident that we were going to take care of him. We won’t do the same job as grandma, but we’re going to do our best and I told him I think grandma can hear us. I’d ask my grandpa to let her know he’s going to be ok. I know it’s going to be hard to live without her, but we don’t want her living her life like this though either. I remember being there watching and listening to my grandpa encouraging her that he’ll be taken care of and she doesn’t have to worry. He kept on repeating how much he loved her and how much she had made him so happy… again heartbreaking yet beautiful at the same time. My grandparents had been together since they were in high school. Their families lived an alley way apart. My grandma was 68 when she passed… and I remember everyone celebrating their 50th anniversary a few years earlier. Her first and only lover. And it seemed like she was waiting for something before she wanted to let herself go to pass. And of course I don’t know if this is the case, but I think she was waiting for my grandpa to tell her that… before she chose to transition. Again seeing someone take their last breath was tough… I just remember her breathing doubled or even tripled in pace like hyperventilating and then she stopped breathing. And any excess fluids she had came out of her mouth, and I believe she also had a bowel happen at that moment. It’s really had to lose a loved one but darn it.. I was so grateful that she passed though too… I didn’t want her to live in that state for too long… it just wasn’t living. When I was my grandpa’s hospice nurse I moved in with him. He was at a different circumstance when he went into hospice. He was conscious and coherent, but he wasn’t allowed to have anymore heart surgeries. It was tricky with him because his body was filling up with fluids and a lot of the family was arguing how to deal with it. Whether to be strict on his diet so prolong the inevitable or to have him enjoy his food while he could. We were trying to restrict as much as we could… he was already in the habit of it anyway, but yeah… when he made special requests… how in the hell or we going to tell him no. We want him to enjoy and be as comfortable as he can before he passes. It was really great, because it was a couple months with my grandpa and so everyone was able to spread the word to the community… so we’d have all kinds of people visiting and sharing memories. My grandpa was involved with the community through coaching and the elks club… we’d have grown adults bringing in old pictures and uniforms or a baseball… my grandpa coached my basketball in middle school so I had some teammates around my age who came to visit… it was just really nice to be able to share that time with people able to say their good-byes… being a part of their hospice care really changed me in a deep way, especially when it came to showing appreciation and love while we share this experience, but also about dealing with death. In both instances I knew I was going to miss them, but I also didn’t want them to continue living in the state they were in… so it was best to transition beyond the physical. I really was able to overcome any feelings of attachment for them to stay because I didn’t want them to leave… it wasn’t about me… and I’m fortunate to take the time to show them and tell them how much they meant to me… I didn’t have any regrets. Again it seemed like my grandpa was also waiting for something before he wanted to pass too. So my grandparents has four children… and at that time there was arguing going on between them. Sad to say but I’d have to ask people to leave the house… or least go outside. If there was any arguing or yelling… I’d say that’s enough… take a breather… that energy doesn’t need to be here in front of grandpa… of course that would upset him. That shit upsets everyone… so I’d have to kick them out and tell them to return when they are calmer. I know they have high emotions going on and they’re trying to express themselves but they can have a more mature approach to the communication. I mean some were directing to my grandpa. And that’s what upset me… why are they waiting until he’s on his death bed to bring all of this up… why couldn’t they bring it up before. But again I know they needed their closure too… this was their chance.. but to be yelling and angry isn’t the way. But because their was issues between the kids not all of them were there at the same time. I was teaching painting classes at the time… but they were only three to four hours long and it was a few times a week… but I left for an event and all of my aunts and uncle and my dad was visiting for the first time all together and without me… I got a call on the way to work that my grandpa past. I remember thinking to myself… so that’s what you were waiting for. He was waiting for all of them to be together when he chose to pass. I remember at the funeral some of my cousins said they thought I was going to take it a lot harder than I did. I told them I’ve spent the last months with grandpa… I’ve already had closure and acceptance while he was here. I’m going to miss him, but I know he’s in a better state then where he was. My grandma’s burial I couldn’t even stay to see her being lowered into the ground… I was still very emotional. My grandpa I had more time to process and be with him before so I wasn’t so emotional and was more stable to see at the funeral and burial. This also brings me to my es-stepmother’s mom who passed away last year. I wanted to be here for her celebration of life last October. Again I have a better understanding of what death is at this point… a part of me wished I could’ve been there for her during the last moments. She was involved in my life from around first grade to sixth grade… which doesn’t seem like a long time but she was extremely influential to me. I feel like I really got the best moments from her liveliness when she was with us. Her health starting going down hill when she was grandparents to her children’s children. Since I was struggling with my own battles with my ex-step mom… I didn’t spend a lot of time with my grandma after… but i cannot forget all the great memories I had with her and just how she approached teaching us… sticks with me. She’s the one who really got me involved in being creative… really inspired me to explore so many areas of creativity. They lived on a farm and that really had an impression on me too… how much hard work goes into farming… her laughter… oh my goodness you could almost here it a mile away… lol… I remember I’d be in elementary school sitting in class and then we’d all hear her laughing and everybody would look at me… oh your grandma’s here… lol.. actually my dad’s grandparents… they were my number one fans in all my sporting events. That was a ritual for me… I’d be doing the warm-ups but before we had to sit down to start the game… I’d always go and visit my grandparents… i don’t know but they gave me so much joy and I was just so proud to have them their supporting me. I wish I could’ve been more involved before she passed, but I know there’s nothing I could’ve said to her that she doesn’t already know now after she passed…. She was remarkable and truly lovable. It’s really trying to be there for the family who will be challenged with the loss of their appearance in the physical who needs the support. They become infinite, and we don’t have to worry about them anymore… continue to cherish their memory and observe our own tendencies that we share… right this reality we can continue to share a part of them within ourselves… it’s beautiful. I’ve always been close to my dad, but after my grandpa passed… it felt like our relationship went to another level… he has no clue how much I appreciate him being my dad. I tell him all the time and he just laughs… but I’m happy I found the time to be able to share these moments with my dad right now. I’m grateful to be helping him be comfortable as much as I can. Lol… my uncle wants me to be his caretaker after he saw how I was with my grandpa, his dad… I said I will, but my dad’s on the top of my list… I joked around… I don’t know if I can handle both of you at the same time though. So yeah… if that’s going to continue to happen where I’m with people before they transition… I’d be honored. It’s an honor to be able to experience that with them. If I’m understanding correctly… we will choose to share that experience together, and I know I’ll do my best for them to not be fearful… I’ll do my best to make them as comfortable as they can. I can guarantee they will feel loved until their last breath of this physical experience. I really do love to love. I keep thinking about my death experience and my awakening experience… i know I’m going to continue sharing ceremony, and if my shaman was able to help guide me to those experiences… I want to learn how to do it too. I think I was shown this in my experience for my to learn this. That’s what I feel is going to happen on this expedition… I have a feeling its going to be a group that’s with me, and I’m not sure what we’re going to be doing the whole time, but I said it’s the journey that usually is the juice of it really… and I feel I’ll be ready to help guide this group to their death and awakening. I don’t know it might happen sooner… there was a friend from Peru who I was working with that I got the feeling he’s close… he might not need my help actually but if I happen to be with him… I’m going to do my best to make it comfortable and as easy as I can help. Right… I’m not afraid to communicate and so I like to tell my guests as much as I can to prepare them. When I was going through it… my shaman didn’t prepare me… lol… of course we were lost in translation a lot of the time, but when he said I needed to passé… I didn’t understand that… I didn’t understand that my mind would interpret that as passing out of the physical experience what we call death. I don’t know if I would have responded differently but I think I would have. I wouldn’t have made the decisions I did if I was prepared. I’m hoping that maybe they don’t even have to think they are dying… they can just feel like they’re awakening.. I’m sure each individual will be different. But I think the people I’ll work with maybe similar to myself… they’ll be finding their own way to awaken for themselves. But if I can help guide them… if it feels like I’m telling them they’re going to die in ceremony… that again in my experience there was a choice whether they want to continue the death experience of infinity or if they want to live fully in this physical experience. And that’s where it causes hesitation… what if someone does decide to continue to transition and pass? I have to be honest… I would probably still be honored to be a part of that shared experience. It’s just societies opinion about it that will be a challenge to handle. Right, society has a different perception about death. Again… I don’t know if this is the case in every situation, but I feel like it’s a choice. I don’t know whether someone passes unexpectedly by someone’s actions whether they choose or not… but I also don’t know what goes on in their minds whether they were looking to embrace infinity but didn’t know what they were asking for… it’s hard to express or even think about… right it’s not easy to talk about these things because again society sees it as the thing to avoid at all costs is to die. It’s the worst thing that can happen to someone. I just don’t know if this is true or not. Well actually I do know for me… it’s not the worst thing to happen. Maybe when you haven’t experienced death or a sense of eternal existence… it can be the worst thing. But if we do have that experience that death is not a final state then it’s not the worst thing. To me and my experiences is when I had a choice to stay as a nonphysical existence of bliss or to return to the physical… I wanted to return to be able to experience bliss with this body, with this mind, and with the universe. There was not a wrong choice, but to return to the physical I want to fully express and experience as much as I am capable. Many of my messages tell me that the universal collective is connecting at extremely deep levels. So I could just choose a life where I’m creating bliss only for myself, but I think we’re capable of much more than that. It’s as if i’m choosing this physical life because I am curious to see what a conscious collective will create together. Not only that but to see what I’m capable of in the physical experience as well. I was reading a few posts on the Forum and I ran into a post where a member posted someone on YouTube saying that Leo is creating a cult. I didn’t listen to the video because I feel like it’s a silly thought. As a student of Leo… I feel like this group has a deeper theory into the structure of cults and it’s obvious to us this isn’t a cult. But what I’ve been gathering from this post and again from other posts that happen to draw my attention… its the case there’s so many of us that doesn’t have our own experience of what death is. I feel the member who posted it was thinking that there were three people who have committed suicide while listening to Leo’s videos. Again I didn’t watch the video so I don’t know all the details. I know I’ve listened to Leo’s videos and he’s addressed one of these cases before. the member I feel didn’t address his issue in a mature manner, but I think he’s trying to see if there is a way to prevent people from killing themselves. Or trying things that has the potential of death. Is there a way to prevent that? Again who are we to decide whether someone should choose to be nonphysical or physical? I might have thought about taking my life once in my life but it was an impulsive thought and yeah I was just stressed and angry and I just wanted to give up… but it was fleeting for myself. And it was only a thought… I didn’t take any action towards it. I think I was probably late middle school or high school when this thought occurred. But I’m assuming that some people may battle with this thought maybe on a more regular basis. If I can be open to the idea that if I lived a life where I constantly thought of suicide… and then I had that choice again to be nonphysical or physical… I could see myself choosing to be nonphysical. I feel I could imagine many scenarios where I would’ve been able to choose the nonphysical. And I’d honestly say that societies opinion about my choice wouldn’t be a care for me. I’d assume I would be so disconnected that the physical world would no longer be a choice I’d like to continue. Why don’t we entertain the idea that death is a choice for a second. What if we all saw death as not the worst thing in the world. In fact because we thought it was a choice… would we be so upset with death? Could we really be upset with someone who chooses to pass out of the physical? Maybe we cannot understand why, but they can understand why. If we had a choice when to die… would there even be murder? Who are we surviving against? That’s the thing survival mode is many people’s focus because they don’t want to die. But can they entertain the idea that death may not be what they think it is? Maybe focusing on surviving death causes more unnecessary deaths… because we think everything is trying to kill us all the time. How can we get to a point where we feel safe from death? How can we get to a point where death isn’t so scary or uncomfortable? How can we get to a point where death isn’t a negative thought? Some of the readers might be asking why would I even be thinking these thoughts… how is that possible and what would be the advantage to gain anyway? Well.. if we are identifying as human… what would be the advantage of not being scared of death… it would completely change the human collective psyche and behavior patterns. I know it’s hard to imagine, but if we humans didn’t have to survive life… we’d have the time in the world to do… what? Live life to our fullest? Create our wildest of dreams? Well… if we are identifying as a spiritual human… this is what we are doing. We are trying to experience existence beyond the limits of a human… maybe what we can call it the spirit… many spiritual humans have developed an understanding that surviving life isn’t the most conscious way to live as a human… we’ve experienced the nonphysical and there’s no body to sense, no environment to experience, no human mind to learn… which may sound awful, but it’s not… but to have this physical experience and not be able to appreciate it’s brilliance would be the worst thing possible… because it’s our moment to take advantage of this masterful art we are creating. we are already on this spiritual path, but many don’t realize it. I didn’t realize it for most of my life, but just because I didn’t realize it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t happening already. Again I feel like I want to know how to make us realize we’re on a spiritual path already and of course sooner… lol… but I know it’s already happening, but is it happening at this pace because most of the collective is not conscious of this? Maybe we are conscious and the pace is perfect… maybe I’m just wondering why I feel the desire to help people see death differently. why do I have the desire to help people realize death and even the desire to support when they desire to transition? I’m comfortable asking these questions, and I’m comfortable not having to find a resolution at this time. Lol… I feel like I’ve been purging so much lately that I just feel like I’ve got space to spare. I feel like I have more attention to give to areas because again I feel like my energetic thoughts aren’t so spread out… this purging process is valuable to me. I appreciate everything that I’ve been able to attract to get me to this point. And again I’m excited to see how this continues to develop. Yeah I think this is a good place to stop for now. I’ve been thinking maybe I should spread my Journal entries out for a few days… I’m not sure but I’m open to it. Yes I’ve been getting a ton of value, but I also want to create some space from it too… lol… Creating space seems to be what I’m drawn to do right now. Alright until next time.

The mystics of this world were no "plants". Some founded world-religions, and acted courageously and fearlessly in the face of oppression and violence. A lot of them were persecuted, some even executed, and many fearlessly stood their ground to the very (and often gruesome) end. They were no weak personalities or plants, but were connected to their own innermost center, which flowed through them and gave them strength, courage and fearlessness. They were grounded in their Real Being, knowing themselves to be indestructable at their core. Do you honestly think that having access to divine bliss hinders one in acting in the right way when it is called for? Water by the River PS: And as explained in the thread above, there is a difference between bodily pain and psychological suffering (or resistance to what is here and now). The lacking, or at least highly highly reduced psychological suffering or resistance to what is, does not stop one acting in the right way, but rather empowers you to do so with the strength of your very True Core.

Yes. I thought for a long time that the Absolute is maybe somehow "behind" space, or being bigger than the Visual Field (that was already at least sometimes nondual at that point in time). Or that it encompasses the visual field. At some points, it dawns on oneself that all of these "probings", attempts, investigations.... are just more arisings happening within you. And the space is imagined IN YOU. If you try to looke for this line, drawing this line, imagining this line, you imagine it WITHIN the space you imagine. It all appears or is being imagined. You will never find the Absolute in any object, any arising, any location. Any self, any appearance, any anything. But this process of "emptying out" everything, to fully BECOME it, to see each an any arising (thought, appearance, understanding, whatever,n+1) as arising in YOU, you have to become fully empty. Nothingness. But yet, that process has to be walked earnestly to the final end, and can not be shortcut. Also because the Absolute is also infinite, IN-FINITE. Nothing you can measure, find, define. Nothing finite. No arising/appearance, however subtle. Even formless arisings (thoughts, formless subtle level lightshow, whatever), are not it. Because IT is timeless. Always there. Formless arisings also come and go. Nice book on that topic: Szyper, Infinite Consciousness. And then, when You are fully empty, you can be fully everyting, nondual. A more concise formulation, and much more beautiful than my ramblings above: “We live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality. We are that reality. When you understand this, you see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything. That is all.” ― Kalu Rinpoche Perfect. If the thinking can solve all open existential questions, you can rest in the Suchness that you are. Nonmeditation-Yoga. You cut off all separate self arisings in real time (since you are proficient enough in that "cutting off" immediately when these "thought-capsules" arise out of consciousness. They havent even been elaborated out, that comes later. Funny thing is, at some point you notice they emerge with the full content of the thought already "in there", and that gets elaborated later and more slowly. The Skill of Reckognition in Daniel Browns "Pointing Out the Great Way". Getting that high-speed cut-off in place triggered for me the step from just cutting thoughts/separate self arisings, aka emptying the mindstream while the "external" world is still solid & out there, to the visual field getting nondual, centerless, luminous mere appearance. So that transforms the Visual Field slowly to mere groundless appearances. You feeling localized ends, the localization dissolves. My theory for that (but I have no proof), is that the Endohuasca-System of the body gets activiated. To cut off efficiently all "Great Doubts/Questions", as I termed them for myself, like the questions above on the nature of space/time/separate self, you need to understand the answer and "how it works". Or you push through with Koan-Meditation concentration-style. That also works, but I feel very sure that this would have taken me 5-10 times longer, and would have been much much (!) more unpleasant. How to "finish" time Mahamudra/Pointing Out the Great Way Style, and end up at the so called "Always Here Mind", the eternal or rather timeless Infinite Consciousness, thats another topic. If you are interested let me know. That is described for example in the Yoga of Unelaboration Chapter of Pointing Out the Great Way. Assumption/Theory: Meditation-induced and body-produced Endohuasca (DMT, 5-MeO, ....): What I assume is that a certain level of proficiency of cutting/transcending of the "harder/deeper" searate self arisings, and the "hard/deeper" existential questions (like space/time/....), or transcending and letting them just play out, but being aware of them as objects, being able to cut them anytime, see their arisings out of consciousness, their flow with in, and their disappearance, triggers probably some kind of Endohuasca-System, your body producing similiar chemicals (DMT,5-MeO, MAO-Inhibitors....) that you can also trip with when supplying them externally. To trigger that means staying in full mindfulness for a long time, having taken the meditation off the pillow and not getting distracted. The effects are very similiar to Psychedelics (nonduality, luminous mere appearance, groundlessness of all appearance, Infinity, timelessness, even shutting off the separate self/Ego (although not completely mostly. Some quite subtle feeling/filters/lenses of perceptions of Individuality (sth watching sth.) often remain): https://dmtquest.org/endohuasca-magic/ and that gives you the multiple hundreds/maybe thousands of hours that one needs in the "nondual timless infinite mere appearance visual field state" to get aware of every last subtle separate self arising. But that can be done in everyday life, at least while not being distracted too much. Of course, getting previews by psychedelics to confirm that there is something to be reached, to get to know the Nondual Infinite Field of mere appearance, maybe even visiting the causal Whiteout-Godhead of Infinite Potential: Awesome. But probably will not suffice in most cases to get one "on the other side". Then, finally, at the very end, the separate self is just a very very subtle feeling of individuality. Body, Location, Duality, time, all have gone a long time ago. Its just an Infinity of groundless mere appearance visual field showing up, limitless, already nondual(!) and luminous/mere appearing. And "a" nothing that is only aware of that. Like nearly nothing at all. Very very subtle and murky. Roger Thisdells No-Self, stage 4. And then you are ready for the Big Bang, that then can happen all by itself. Sudden Awakening. One can not force it. Crossing over happens by itself, resting long enough in that state, and letting it ripen. If one wants to do that only by tripping... well, I never read from or about one case where Full Enlightenment/Realization actually worked. But maybe there are cases. It takes too much time to get rid of the last subtle veils of the separate self, and by tripping you can also be distracted by the show/understanding/whatever. It always reads like some separate-self elements still well and alive and not transcended, no fully empty "No-Self" having looked totally in to the Abyss of Nothingness,but having had the hell of an infinite nondual mere appearance experience of a (for sure) very interesting visual field bubble or God or Alien or I don't know what. Plenty of stuff in the Multiverse to explore and understand, especially considering that it goes upwards the Holon-Pyramid forever (Planet-Monad creating/maintaining all perspectives on it, Galaxy-Monad, Universe-Monad, Multiverse-Monad, n+1). And plenty of stuff of the properties of God to project on the remains of the separate self... You are very welcome. I believe there are two elements installed in the universe, in order to not give Maya every advantage (she already has enough): 1.The radiating bliss/love of the Realized Being. 2. Any separate self teaching "down from up high" with any "superiority-raditation", marveling at its own ingeniuty/superiority is normally just keeping the illusion going, because: If you are all, how can you be superior to anything? Compassion and humility, and helping "others" look around the next corner of their own path, is indicated. Not sustaining the illusion with "I see the Matrix", and its "Saul Goodman". Sorry And luckily, that attitude isn't very sexy for the fellow seekers, see point 2. above. On the other side, how are realized Dzogchen-Realizers depicted in Tibetan Buddhism: Radiating great humor. Why? Nothing "other" holy anywhere.... at least nothing where making jokes is forbidden. But not a condencending/superiority humor that has fallen in love with itself. Because what is there that a "you" could be "superior" to? Superior to another aspect of Your Own Being? Easy way to cut reality in two or create duality, so a rather not so smart idea.... To tell the difference between these two kinds of humors, the hard-wirings of humans are usually quite well calibrated. Selling Water by the River

Hi Mike, I am not sure if I fully get your questions. If my answer below is not on topic, please excuse, and let me know. Below are some ramblings on the topic of space, and how it developed for me going from "self-existing-reality-aspect" to "imagined in Reality/Infinite Consciousness". which was one of the deciding steps boosting nonduality/mere groundless appearance in everyday life, making the constant intuiting of fundamental Nothingness/Reality much more proficient. At least for me, space itself was one of the last things to go from "self-existing" to imagined. "Time" as concept goes before, and is replaced by the Always Here Mind/Reality. Space is one of the first "Archetypes" necessary for manifestation in this dimension, and one of the last things to be seen through. Space is not fundamental (or self-existing), it is also imagined. Space (any kind, 3D, 4D, non-euclidian, whatever. Infinite amounts of different space-dimensions in Mathematics) is not any kind of Absolute Reality. It took me a long time to get this, thinking along quite similiar lines of thought as these you write above. Space is normally seen as such a fundamental that (at least for me) didn't even considering questioning that, or rather wondered how space "fits into the picture" of Ultimate Reality,which has cost me quite some time. The perspectives of Consciousness/Reality of the Leavitt picture (hyperbolic Euclidian Space of Visual Fields Bubbles, see previous posts) are not situated in any kind of space. The "Absolute or Nothingness/Primary Consciousness/Reality unaware of itself when no arising is imagined" is more fundamental than space. It is fundamentally totally spaceless. Space is imagined in it. As one of the first arisings. If there is nothing, there is no kind of space. Just Infinite Potential. See the Massaros Waterpistol example (Conversations with a Skeptic) I wrote about in previous posts. With space, I mean any kind of space, 3D, non-Euclidian, n+1 dimensions. Also, Indras Net is not situated in space. Leavitts Picture is a version of Indras Net. Both taken together are a nice working model. An Infinity of perspectives are imagined, and all but your own perspective forgotten in space. Psychedelics can loosen that quite a lot, you get access to more than "your" perspective of this life. But One Absolute Consciousness/Reality is aware of them all (since there can not be anything else than THAT, which is also a direct realization), and "that" also happens to be the stuff/material of all appearances, totally nondual. Perceptions perceiving themselves. And with no appearance/arising, this Reality is unware of itself, but with the potential for sentience. To make it more practical: If you have ever remained aware while going from Dream Sleep to waking state (or the other way round): There is a spaceless state in between, with NOTHING arising. Infinite. No Space. "vast", but not even vast. Just infinite. It is not 3D-Space. Just Nothing. No separate small you. Only Infinite Potential. Similiar to Deep Sleep (blackout), but like an infinite Nothingness/darkness suffused with light, timeless since there is no movement, just nothing. Your perspective is not situated in space then. Space gets imagined in the dream, and in "waking-life", so "before" or "after" THAT (and to be more precise, since there is no time/change in it, it all gets imagined IN IT). And of course, waking life is also a dream, just more coherent, happening in IT/You/Reality. With enough meditation/practice awareness can carry into these states, and instead of the usual Deep Sleep Blackout it can become something as described above, which of course makes the structure of reality more clear. Maya-Deep-Sleep-Blackout replaced by something more revealing (Infinite Darkness suffused with light, and not just a blackout). And I know, all of that is imagind right now, but these states still can occur. And its quite beneficial for understanding to experience them. All this logical reasoning can't get you to the big Awakening into what You really are. But a coherent explanation can help calm the thinking-mind during meditation (on or off the pillow), especially when its no longer only concentrative meditation, but meditation without concentration-support-object, and make it "compatible" for the Realization. And can help you boost your nondual/mere appearance visual field during that. With that goal, I write these lines. Not to logically get you to a conclusion/reasoning that you are IT, but to open the door to be available for that Realization in certain fully nondual states when you are fully empty of separate self arisings, and all perceptions appear as mere appearance. But I agree that the Zen-guys are way smarter than me: They would just mainly stay shut up, smile at you and make you meditate (boost nondual states), and say something like "go looking for the face before your parents were born". Which is actually the same thing I try to point to above. It is up for the reader if these ramblings of mine are of any worth. The Realization is a direct insight/understanding, Consciousness/Reality understanding itself, since there is nothing else. It is not "I always come to this conclusion, that is why I can rule out the rest, so that must be it". That is all nice and good (and necessary), some of the preliminary Awakenings/Enlightenments coming before the Big Bang, necessary to a certain degree and profiency to make the Mindstream "compatible" for the Big Bang. It is more like something undeniable, like a punch in the face. It is an unmistaken insight into what the True You/Reality are, no doubt/error possible. Self evident. Dead-certain (literally). The possibility that one can be gaslit on that Realization is something like a joke occuring in You/Reality. Or, as said in Zen: You can smile the devil in the face, and not be shaken in your certainty of What You are. Or: Who knows the spring does not drink from the cup. If "you" still can doubt it, it is not It. The more compatible your mindstream is with the Enlightened Mind (meaning no possible concept not seen through as thought arisings-in you, the last to go after space is "individuality" of a separate anything), the higher the chance for the Big Bang described above. Small "you" can't force it, but create circumstances where IT can happen (That is a large chunk of the essence of Nonmeditation-Yoga in Mahamudra). You become the whole Infinite "Thing" afterwards, with nobody watching "It". Perceptions perceiving themselves, Steven Norquist style. See my last post if you are so inclined. And yes, that haunted emptiness is the price to pay. But it just happens to look like there is a "real" price to pay, looking like that from before that Gateless Gate. Having gone through it, there never was a price to pay. To the opposite, you win It all. Everything. Everything there could ever be. What you "loose" is just the grip of the separate thinking/feeling arisings of the separate-self-Gestalt, which was nothing more than a a pattern of illusion-arisings (technically (and beware, reductionism ahead): patterns of phenomena-arisings of a separate self=structure=probability distribution of arising, a process of arisings with a certain systematic to it). Arising in you, but not self-existing: You can happily exist without it. What remains is Reality itself, and a person that isn't less functional than before, but more so (because you are not standing in the way of the optimal rollout of Consciousness/Reality). Short form: "I am not a human, I have a human". To fully get it, you need to awaken to it. Or said differently: If you would fully understand all of the above, you would be realized. On how long its stays "haunted", and how much this haunted reaction lasts: I write more about that in my last post. Maybe that is interesting for you, and I hope I didn't miss the questions too much. If I would have known that back in the day, I would have been faster and could have avoided some time-consuming mistakes. That is why I write it, not to lecture anybody or proove any fixed ideas of mine. The Ego is in large parts a cluster of beliefs, which it has to defend life-or-death style, because for the Ego its exactly that (at least with important core-beliefs). Similiar to what the bear does in the video in the signature of the post. If its not useful for you, just disregard it. In case I rambled on, please excuse the deviation. Selling Water by the River PS: If anyone feels inclined to comment on the post, please check if the bear-move in the link below (signature of the post) is being performed or not, and preferably the Blackeyes Peas and "Where is the love" (or something similiar) is being played in your emotional continuum. Then, any questions, comments, and suggestions are even more welcome than when the song is not playing. PSPS: "If God as you say are exploring though us does that mean those two bodies in that conversation is not looking at each other but that God is imagining and holding both of them within itself? And all these ideas of eyes and perception that aren’t actually in my direct experience are the ways I’ve been taking a false ownership of what’s really God’s experience of the other body as something belonging to my body?" Yes, pretty much like that. Various aspects: 1) Leavitts Non-Euclidian perspectives style, and most perspectives forgotten + 2) Indras Net that any perspective reflects all others + 3) aspect that for example even an atom or molecule has some kind of proto-perspective, reacting on similiarly leveled perspectives (=Holons in Ken Wilbers system, and similiar leveled = other molecules). And Holons/Perspectives all the way down (to infinity, quarks, ....) and all the way up (to infinity, like Galaxy-governing-monads, Universe-governing-monads, Multiverse-creating/sustaining/governing monads, and infinitely higher up n+1, and also completely "OTHER" realms, unimaginable to human mind with space/time/.... For that, see Jac O'Keeffe). And then one could start wondering of how much of that one can have explored/understood of all that manifested stuff in one single human lifetime. Next to Nothing. Infinitesimal so to say, if one is mathematically-prone. So maybe instead one fully realize ones essence and structure of Ultimate Reality/True You as Infinite/Nondual/Absolute Reality/Infinite Consciousness, and LIVE THAT as much as possible? With the bliss it brings? Not to talk about the "hang-over" of the (imagined of course) good Karma/tendencies that brings for ones next imagined manifestation (only if one is inclined to believe in that, which is of course not absolutely real, but part of the imagined show). But that would still be nice for the big show that "we" are all celebrating here So basically, with that model above, you don't need space as self-existing reality. Any maybe consider replacing the God word with some bundle like "Infinite Consciousness/Reality/God/True You". Just to not project/make God some self-existing external reality outside of you. Ultimate Reality is nondual, Infinite Consciousness Nothingness perceiving its own manifestations, perceptions perceiving themselves without separate self elements "clouding" the true state of things. God is not somewhere outside. God is right here. What imagines all of that? Biggest possible accident: Projecting/Confusing the Individuality-Arisings of the Separate-Self-Gestalt on God/Reality/Infinite. That is the worst possible seductive kiss from Maya imaginable. Yet, quite a show....

Yes. Fully agree. Bodily pain can of course still arise. (1) But suffering as psychological resistance to what is can fully go. (2) Especially the continued dissatisfaction/suffering cycles of the separate self can end, drowned by a current of bliss directly from the source of ones True Being. If you don't share my humble opinion, please feel invited to check that in the cases of many many enlightened beings in the history of mankind. What made them so attractive for their fellow companions? That they suffered, were confused, and sometimes a bit frustrated and not so-loving-as-possible, in the usual merry-go-round-cycle, as their fellow nonenlightened company? I guess these two observations/statements/claims (1) and (2) will always be a problem, and correspondendly be attacked and criticized by anybody trying to declare some kind of stage/state/awakening/"realization"/understanding/whatever as final or superior which doesn't deliver that freedom from suffering. And if not, why not be so kind and declare that ones version of the path to heaven does NOT provide that which every(!) being wants: Permanent bliss and happiness, and an end to the cycle of dissatisfaction and suffering. Or (smarter move probably) maybe add at least the announcement that one intents to someday later deliver these goodies also. So ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts, and watch the onslought. I know, stupid as I am writing all of that, I can't complain.... Luckily, the video with the bear is already in the signiture, and will hopefully protect the writer of these heretic lines. Well, Caveat Emptor, and bon voyage! Water by the River PS: Not that I would recommend doing something like this, but just some idea of what Nirvana/Nirvikalpa/Cessation can do to the survival-imperative. The guy didn't even flinch or move a muscle. Warning: Can be quite disturbing to read/watch. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thích_Quảng_Đức Probably Britney 24/7 for a month would have gotten him anyways... PSPS: I have to admit that Moksha writes much more beautiful posts than yours truly

I made a list of questions to answer such as: “What is God?”, “Why God is?”, “Where did it come from?” etc. Previous time I did 4.5 grams of Enigma Mushrooms and I had rather a bad trip. This time I decided to go for 3.0 grams. I made a mushroom tea and took it with me outside. After drinking the tea, I sat on a stone near the beach and started going trough my questions. As I was doing that fear begun arising in me. I was afraid to get the same bad experience as the last time. I tried to concentrate on the questions but the fear was too strong. Also, my boundaries were dissolving again and it freaked the shit out of me. I told myself “Fuck this questions and fuck psychedelics” so I stood up, put my earbuds in and decided to walk until the end of the trip. As I was walking and looking around, I was seeing myself again. Everything was my mind, God’s mind. With this came realization that there is nothing in existence but my mind. Another wave of fear crushed on me. I was afraid that I would wake up forever and would never come back to the life. I couldn’t accept this idea so instead I tried resisting the experience. I was trying to convince myself that I’m not God, but of course it was in vain. In the back of my mind, I knew that whether I like it or not I am God and there’s nothing I could do about it. It’s an absolute fact and it will remain like this forever. So, there I was walking around trying to resist it. I was looking at my watch but it stopped. I knew that I’m imagining time. I asked myself “Now what? What am I gonna do?!”. I was like “Okay, fuck it, I’m just gonna Be for eternity and that’s perfectly fine”. I completely accepted my nature. With this fear begun dissolving. I started contemplating my questions. The first one was “Where did I come from?”. Of course, I’ve always been. Always means eternity and therefore it excludes any beginning or end. I also became conscious that I’m the only thing in existence, there can’t be any other gods or entities whatsoever. I’m the Source and I’m the Creator. I’m shining and everything is the reflection of it. I looked at my hands and as I was looking, I realized that I’m these hands and the body but paradoxically I’m not my body. My real body is nothing, it’s pure magical nothingness. Suddenly an interesting thought came to my mind “What if I can consciously go as deep as I want?”. Guess what? Of course, yes! Because I’m God! I started expanding my consciousness by will. I transcended all my memories and the past. I realized that nothing ever happened to me, all of it was just a dream that I made. All pain I’ve gone trough was illusion. All suffering that I saw all the wars, murders, rapes are just illusion. What is not illusion? Love. Love is the Truth. Infinite and pure God’s love is truth. God is just simply magical being made out of pure infinite love. When I realized it I transcended all possible fear. I couldn’t think of anything that would scare me. I became conscious that nothing bad will ever happen, it’s the absolute fact. I went deeper into the Love. I was experiencing deep bliss, happiness, joy, peacefulness and beauty! Of course, no words can explain it and there’s nobody to explain it to! Haha! A few other important things that I discover: 1. There is a paradoxical difference between Me and My creation that is also Me. My creation doesn’t have God’s will power and is controlled by Me. 2. All spiritual teaching are corrupted. They may contain some truth, but corruption ruins it. I created all spiritual gurus and teaching in order to delude myself. 3. Psychedelics the only valid tool to awaken. Meditation, retreats, yoga, breathing techniques are fantasy and can’t be used for spiritual awaking. All of them are good for human life (to be more peaceful, to be capable of accepting stuff, to be in control of the emotions etc.). I know this absolutely because I’m God. P.S. I’ve been doing mushrooms for the last 4 years but I had never had such deep awakenings. The quality of my trips on mushrooms has been improved after experiencing with 5MeO-DMT. Now mushrooms are as strong as 5MeO but way longer. I need to try combining 5MeO and shrooms. From God for God

Some techniques I have practiced over the years: Vipassana Dzogchen Kundalini yoga Pranayama to feel bliss Wim hof breathing method Holotropic breathwork Contemplating spiritual books and videos Contemplating leo's videos on God-realization The power of now Feeling love or gratitude surrender Mantra meditation Lucid dreaming/dream yoga Choose again the 6 steps process for healing trauma.

I personally try to make it more about bliss, and not just avoiding suffering . Gives it a more positiv spin... But I get your point. Why do you have the impression that I make spirituality about avoiding suffering? In my opinion, the most important thing is to understand what the Absolute/Reality/True You is. Since its actually all the same, I can write it with the ../../.. . That Understanding/Realization brings on top of the insight the freedom from the cycle of suffering. And if it doesn't, maybe something to reflect about? Which is of course only my humble perspective, and that of virtually all Spiritual Traditions and their enlightened showcases. And maybe that is no coincidence that really understanding and realizing Ultimate Reality/True You/Absolute brings along freedom from suffering? As a benevolent gesture, that nobody gets lost and stops halfway? Like, blissed out halfway up the mountain? But hey, its a free country. Anybody can play the game that their hearts resonate with.... Bon voyage! Water by the River

What the "bottom" or Absolute is, is pretty clearly defined. Absolute Reality itself, with the potential to switch off the show, and still be there. That you and everbody can potentially realize, because you are it. Then you can have for sure many many understandings on how the whole show works, how Reality/God works, how this and any other dimension works, on what God/Reality can do, ... , n+1. Which you can go on exploring when you are either a) fully resting in your True Being also in daily life, having no filters/lenses/not transcended separate self elements not already seen though, and having cut off suffering and getting bliss directly from the Source. The last "filter/separate self-element" by the way is "a" fully empty nothing (not Nothingness), "watching" the Infinity, "being aware" of it, but not fully being it at the core: A transparent feeling of Individuality (which already has no form, is empty, you are already nothing you can point to at this stage), the last remnants of it, already nondual and the visual field fully mere appearance. But that last filter-elements is precicly what prevents getting the "thing" stable in daily life. And I bet an experience of the nondual field, or even of the Infinite Godhead, is "coloured" and experienced through that last very subtle filter. b) go on exploring having had experiences of the Absolute, and still some filters/lenses/not transcended separate self elements intact (in these experiences) and of course also in daily life, where exactly these filters/lenses/not transcended separate self element prevent: 1) realizing the Absolute without a bias (that is when the Absolute gets more properties than it really has. Because any property would limit it. Nothingness Halaw-style) 2) more important: not being able to be the nondual/groundless/mere appearing reality in everday life, and of course not getting the flow of bliss from "there" which then replaces the suffering of the separate self elements. These last filters/building blocks of the separate self are very subtle, very tricks, extremely fast occuring. You need to be very fast in spotting them, and letting them flow through you and not watching through these filteres/lenses, and you need to be very familiar with them. I am convinced, that most people need hundreds of hours (at that phase already off the pillow in daily life) to get familiar and fast enough to let these lenses/filters of the last separate self building blocks flow through them (similiar to any other object) , and not look through them as lense/filter. If you look through them, it kills the state of nonduality and the world being a dreamlike mere appearance mirage, floating in groundless Nothingness (These states by the way is what you also can get with Psychedelics). If you transcend these separate-self-building blocks/filters/lenses/contractions(!), probably the endogenous DMT-System of the body starts producing some kind of Endo-Huasca cocktail, see the fascinating research of https://dmtquest.org/questions-for-the-lion-tamer-1/ , especially chapter Chapter 24 – Endohuasca Magic. Your own illegal psychedelics factory in your body . Shortform of the above: a) Fully realize your True Nature (indicator: no more suffering-cycles in daily life) and then go exploring/understanding the manifestation and manifestation mechanism of reality and Reality or b) go exploring before the bliss of a) is in place. Both paths are valid, path b) can lead to path a) and non-suffering in daily life if done correctly (maybe with a bit meditation of the efficient variety added). Of course, the path a)-variety of ~98%+ of the Spiritual Marketplace doesn't work. I can fully understand Leos dislike of selling the weak soup of just No-Ego/No-Person or an "Enlightened Person (cringe) having Nonduality and perceiving themselves to be that", but that is another topic.... I have never questioned path b). I just question giving path b) a higher value and meaning than path a). For me, that is a bit like voluntarily hitting your knee with a hammer, and calling that superior than hitting the nail, and repeating it. Sorry, love ya all.... ( : I only wonder why anybody would call path b) with suffering "higher", and all paths a) "crap" and inferior. The state-highs and wonderful experiences delivered by understanding reality/God in my opinion only ease the pain of the remaining separate self suffering cycles. Yet, these Insights/Understanding-experiences are for sure truly wonderful and marvelous, probably the most beautiful experiences one can have, savored by highly developed souls which are attracted by such sublime experiences/understandings. But still: Caveat Emptor. But hey, what do I know? NOTHING . On good days a bit of NOTHINGNESS . And "I" love it, and IT loves me. . And I am fully open on the understanding and exploring of path b). Fully. Let's see what kind of alien stuff the brave and ingenious psychonauts drag home. I really look forward and am very curious. Selling Water by the River PS: Please don't beat me with the Broomstick . But I would be really curious on a substantial feedback from Leo. Thanks!

Last night was great… I think I took close to an hour of a full body massage, I did some stretching, and some circular motions in my hips and my head. My body was buzzing and I was so relaxed… maybe I am trying to build a relationship with my body more. Lol… I feel like if I’m going to seduce myself I have to work my body and mind to trust each other for some reason… lol… help them get into the same state before moving forward. I know there’s a connection to be found. It was around 4am and laying there very comfortably, but I have my mind going. I thought maybe this would be a good time to try something… but I know I revert to my go-to technique. It feels good but I know it’s just a quick pick me up. I wasn’t really prepared to spend a lot of time. I’m also finishing my moon time of the month… so outside rocking pressure feels good and I also know it helps relax me enough to sleep… lol… and sure enough I fell right to sleep afterwards. So I feel like I should look at my habits and what can I change. First of all… I don’t do a full body massage often, but damn it did feel really good… having a body buzz from massaging can definitely be incorporated more. I’m afraid that maybe I have used my tried method as attempts to go to sleep more than exciting myself. This tried method has been the first way I found enjoyment touching myself. I haven’t been creative in this area. I have my clothes on and how I position my hands to create pressure and I also use my legs to add leverage and additional pressure. I think with this technique it made it easy for me to only do it quickly and then move on. So I’m not sure how to take my time into it. There has been a few times where I’ve tried to put music on with candles… and add oils but I still felt I was taking way too long, so I’d give up. I know I’m different from who I was when I tried these so I can give them another chance. But is there away that my expectations in a partner is what I’m placing on myself too? Lol.. I’m not sure how to explain it… I never really wanted my partners to see my as just an object to have sex with. I want a relationship to be built and maybe that’s what happens when I try to masturbate? Does my mind think I’m objectifying myself? Possibly… I’m not sure… lol… I have had these mind/body battles when it comes to sexuality before. Lol… I remember I was one year into my celibacy and I found myself with a guy I really enjoyed conversations with. He was so fun and he was handsome. We had known each other for about six months… and he never approached me sexually. But we found ourselves one night interested in mutual play. I felt like I had two split personalities going on at the same time. My body was like.. holy shit… it’s about time… And my mind was like… holy shit… don’t do this to yourself or him… you’re not ready and you don’t want to do this with him. I know we were escalating and again I found myself wanting to just lose control… I remember I was talking dirty to him… I told him I want to fuck his face… lol… and he was all about it! But literally I was in a battle… telling him I’m sorry I can’t keep doing this. I’m not ready. He was such a gentleman and once he realized I pulled the breaks he did too. We were able to talk about it and he laughed because he hadn’t had a girl talk to him like that. He really wanted to see what I wanted to do with his face… I could laugh with him but I told him I had to be honest I know I’m not ready and I shouldn’t have put him in that situation. He knew I was in process of trying to see if celibacy is going to be helpful for me and it had been a year and I about lost control. I knew I would’ve regretted it. We continued to enjoy the rest of the night and held each other while we slept. Four years later… he travels a lot and we hardly speak but we still see what kind of adventure and projects we’re interested in at the time, and give each other support when needed. He’s a very fascinating man! I felt bad that I put him in that situation and I knew I didn’t want to put anyone else in that situations so being more communicative from that point forward was apparent for me. And I was able to create those boundaries up front. Since then I’ve kissed two other men but again… when we were in ceremony and I had to go through the entire explanation that I think they are great guys and I enjoy their company, but I only want to be friends with them and that we can share this experience but please don’t expect another time to come along. I knew I really didn’t want to do it, but I also knew I was in control where I wasn’t going to let it go further then I wanted. And it’s a harmless kiss… but damn… kisses are extremely sexy and intimate and playful and for me very erotic. Damn it… I know that lesson was for me to experience as well as them. Those guys are still good friends but it’s never been an issue since. It hasn’t been brought up. When I was an exotic dancer for what six weeks it was a high concentration of sexual experiences… and it was very informative for me. Like I’ve mentioned I confirmed that I’m still a sexual being who liked to be attractive and I enjoyed pleasing others and that’s just as arousing in fact more arousing then pleasing myself. It was different then… everyone was consensual. Well everyone except for one man I was doing a private dance with. He penetrated my anus with his fingers and I did not want to do that with him. I stopped him and then quit the private dance. He paid me for it, but I didn’t care if he paid me or not. I did not want that to happen so I purchased butt plugs with jewels on the end so that won’t happen again. One of the clubs, the girls were upset with me thinking I was trying to stand out… and I said I just don’t want anything to be done to me without consent. They still suggested I shouldn’t wear them and they also didn’t like it when I didn’t have a set amount of dances in the private rooms and I liked to see where it led without putting a time limit on it… lol… so I stopped working there… but I was about to leave anyway. But 99% it was consensual and that was really good for me. I was able to play with people who wanted to play with me, but there wasn’t an expectation of going further. I even thought this would be a great place to learn about sexuality if money wasn’t involved. I had met people in the kink scene and i loved listening to their stories and how open-minded they were and the assumptions is no pressure, pure curiosity, consensual from all parties. I hadn’t been to an event, but I did find it interesting. Maybe that’s what I was hoping for when it came to a strip club… if money wasn’t involved it would be a kink party? I don’t know. But I do know I love outer play? I don’t know if that’s a thing.. but when clothes are on it’s fun to tease and excite without actually being involved with the skin directly. I had my first experiences with being intimate with women. And I really enjoyed it. They are so vocal… lol… you knew when you were doing things they enjoyed. And they’re really slow and soft too. I did kiss two women while in private rooms with their partners. And it makes sense now, but it was surprising when I did it for the first time. I’m not interested in having sex with a woman…at least right now I’m not… maybe if i had a strap-on… lol… but that’s more curiosity of possibly feeling how a man feels when they are penetrating. I’m guessing it wont be the same… but anyway.. i enjoy playing with women though… when they have their clothes on and i get to tease and excite them was very satisfying to me.. but i never had the thought i wish I could strip them down and do more. Now men on the other hand… that can definitely cross my mind… when I’m having a good time and i feel the hardness of his cock… ummm huge excitement of… let me take him for a ride…lol but again I realized those were very fleeting and superficial… in my opinion. I guess where I’m leading up to is this dieta where I was not only going to go through the beginning of threshold transformation of awakening but also the sexual lessons I was experience. I’ve been going back and forth whether to give details or not, but I think I’ve made the decision that it’s a lot more healing to go through the details to purge it out. And I guess I’m ready to do that now. I’m not sure where I had left off, but I remember I was saying how I was frustrated on the attempts of my shaman asking to have sex with him… repetitively because he continued to ask even when I said I was not interested in him in that way. I’m not trying to make him out as the bad guy… and I’m not trying to make myself as the bad guy. I know I said we were the perfect pair to help each other out of our shadows of sexuality. I also said… if we don’t have specific techniques to deal with the shadows… existence knows I want to learn and overcome these shadows so it will find a way to teach me… and it’s not normally what I would have chosen. But the choices I was choosing wasn’t as affective as the blunt way existence and ceremony can do. So I’m not sure if everyone has heard about dying to pass the threshold towards awakening… I had heard it from Leo, but again I didn’t know what that meant… and to be honest that didn’t even come into my memory at first. But there was a ceremony where I thought I was going to die. My shaman had used the words “tu necesito passé.” He has to try to speak to me for me to understand… I knew I needed to do something… but the word passé was messing with me… I needed to pass? In my ceremony I was laying there and i kept repeating i need to pass… and I even found myself holding my breath… I was like oh shit… does he mean I have to die? Does he help people passover in tho the afterlife? I thought well maybe that is what he does… I was the hospice nurse of my grandparents and it was like I was helping them prepare and be comfortable as much as they could be before they took their last breaths. I witnessed my grandmother’s last breath. I know not a whole lot of people would like to be in that position, but I found it an honor to be involved in that time with them. I was so grateful for them and I thought this would be the least I could do… was to take care of them when it was their last moments in these bodies and in this reality. So… yeah maybe that’s what’s going on with me now. I’m going to leave this existence. During ceremony is was not scary… I was not afraid. In fact there was a part of me wanting to die. I continued to lay there and I just kept thinking shit I came here to die… so I started listening all the things I’m not going to be able to do or see or feel again. Pretty basic stuff of not seeing my family, my cat, the sun, trees… a huge list of not going to be able to experience ever again. And my mind continues to wonder what else I’m never going to experience again… and yes sex came into my mind. I’m holy shit… I’m not going to have sex again… regardless of how good or bad i am with sex… lol… I was sad I wasn’t going to experience it again. Of course my spiritual partner came up and I could remember what we shared together and my fantasies of what I wanted to do with him… but he wasn’t there… and I’m about to die. It’s easy for me now to say… damn it you don’t know what you were doing… you weren’t understanding the message and you’re about to do something you’re going to regret… don’t do it… but at that moment… I broke down. I didn’t want to but yet I thought this will be my last chance and maybe my damn shaman is the last person I’m supposed to have sex with. I turned to him and asked if he wanted to have sex with me, and his response was yes. I didn’t want to add anything into the experience… so I wasn’t kissing on him or rubbing on him… nothing affectionate… I just wanted to get it over with and then I wanted to die. And immediately I was disgusted with myself. It was obvious to me and to my shaman I was not enjoying the experience. I started laughing at myself because it was so terrible… it was so awful… I wish I would have just died with fantasies because that was so much more satisfying then allowing this man to enter me. I couldn’t let it continue and I immediately smoked mapacho and was apologizing. I wasn’t strong enough to die without having this last temptation to have sex one more time before my death. I told him I was ready to passé. And he told me I was unable to passé now that I’ve smoked the mapacho… I was confused… why would that stop me from dying? It made no sense to me. Once he said I wasn’t able to I went to my bed to lay with my thoughts and finally fall asleep. I was horrified with my decision, but when I woke up the next morning. I was pretty much going through a panic attack. Why the hell is it my time to die? Why would I be receiving all these messages about my future? I’m just not understanding how to love and appreciate this life… why now? Why do I have to die, and why did I have to come to the jungle away from everyone I love to die? My shaman saw how I was reacting to the experience and he was trying his best to ground me. He created a special plant bath and had me cool off. He took me into the middle of some trees on his center and had me absorb the calming energy… it was helping but my mind couldn’t stop… but I also knew I wasn’t understanding the situation clearly though too… why did a part of me want to die? Why was I not scared in ceremony? Why was I calm and why did I feel like there’s nothing but love and patience from existence? What am I missing? His family came to prepare food and eat with us and we were planning on going into the city to pick up supplies the next day. His youngest son is learning English, and I’d ask him to translate for me the questions I have towards his dad… but my shaman asked me not to talk about the ceremony. What I got from it is he doesn’t want me to tell about the necessity to passé. That seems to be something he doesn’t tell everyone… maybe only when they need to hear it, but I didn’t know what that meant. They could see I was not my normal self. And I admitted that I was having problems processing my ceremony last night. I even admitted I thought I was going to die. And I’m afraid to die. I could barely communicate with anyone. I did go to the village with the family and being around the children and watching them really calmed me down. I thought I should enjoy these last moments… however many days it would be… i need to enjoy every second, because I known how much I’m going to miss these experiences. I also slept a lot. I kept thinking I’m missing something… I tried to talk to my shaman more and asked if I’m supposed to die? He looked puzzled when I asked… I said does passé mean death? He said no… I told him I don’t understand what passé is… is there another word he could use so I can understand? He couldn’t think of another word. I had to let him know that I thought I was literally going to die and I thought I wasn’t going to experience having sex anymore and that he was my only option. I think he understood what I was saying and even he said that he will no longer ask me again. I felt that when he saw how I was reacting while we were in those moments… it was clear as day that that wasn’t anything I wanted to share with him. And I’m sure he was uncomfortable being involved with someone who was disgusted by the whole experience. Again… we were teaching each other lessons whether we were conscious of it or not. I had calmed down before the following week with the master plant and with another Aya ceremony. I thought maybe I would be afraid to go back in, but I wasn’t… at that time I knew I was missing something and I knew there was a part of me and existence that wanted me to die… and dying wasn’t what I thought it was going to be… so I was curious to see what would happen. Well the feeling of death did not come up…. It did not come up for a few ceremonies after. But during this time I was processing what I was learning but in the back of my head I was getting more determined to know what was this death? What did I stop myself from doing? Now I really did want to know what death felt like. It was about a month after that ceremony… I can’t remember if it was four or five ceremonies after (I could look in my journal, but it doesn’t really matter), but near an end of a ceremony… I was sitting by myself and then I just started working on myself… I wasn’t sure exactly what i was doing but I knew I was trying to change something in my mind’s structure. In the middle of doing whatever I was doing… I found myself lifting up my head and it was the first time having a conscious experience of this physical reality. At that moment I didn’t know anything because I didn’t know I had a mind to think… I didn’t know what was physical because that wasn’t in a vocabulary… I didn’t have language. I didn’t know I was a human… I didn’t know this visual field I opened up was using my eyes… I found my hands and body and I had no clue what it was… but I wasn’t worried… I didn’t know how to worry… I wasn’t confused… I didn’t have any language in my head talking to me to label things and ask questions… I just was observing for the first time. I was observing my body which I don’t even know if I was registering that it was myself I was looking at… it was just the first time observing consciously… my visual field started to move around and I was seeing the inside of the maloca with the wood floors and screens and shadows… again complete silence inside and outside of me… and I wasn’t trying to figure out where I was and what I was supposed to do… that wasn’t known for me to do that. Nothing was known at that part of was just being. I was just observing for the first time and I don’t even know if I was curious… I just happen to be moving the visual field and when i found my hands I placed it on my body and again I didn’t know what I was doing… it was all the first time for me. Once my visual field moved and settled onto my shaman did words start to appear back into my head… memory started coming back… language and thought… I found myself laughing… and my shaman was smiling and said you’re a quick learner. I knew what he was saying. He tried to get me to this point at the other ceremony, but because he was guiding me without me knowing or expecting it… I thought I was going to die and leave this physical reality. I’ve been gaining confidence in my abilities and I do know I’m a fast learner… I knew I’d be able to get there again, but when I did it myself… I didn’t have the feeling of dying… I had the feeling of Awakening for the first time. I still think that’s an appropriate description… maybe I can get a better word for it, but I was born again. I knew this is a profound moment in my life… and I knew I had nothing like this happen before and nothing compared to those moments. I had even been giving myself previews of what this would be like… different ones as if to not look at something, place a label, and assume anything about it… lol.. it’s hard to explain but experience something on my own without conditioning being applied to it. Try to reset my mind to experience things for the first time again. But yes… that was profound and I knew I just went through a transformation, but I didn’t know what that transformation was at the time. I was just so excited that I finally Awakened, but it wasn’t what I was expecting and I didn’t realize how much I needed to ground and integrate this experience to observe and understand the difference in me. I’ve been doing it for a year and four months now. But it’s only been six months that I took myself into seclusion and really isolate my thoughts and able to observe myself without having to do what other people expected of me. I found my safe haven with my dad. He has given me this space to integrate and it’s exactly what I needed. Now that Awakening was like the first round… there was a second round that came later… I can’t really explain it but it felt like it was testing me… it was like ok… I know something is different, but do I really want to break through? I hesitated the first time… will I hesitate again? Well I didn’t and I was lost in ceremony with bliss, bliss, bliss… I was blissed out and it was almost asking me what I would like to experience more… this or that? To me it was like the nonphysical or the physical? And it was not any easy choice, but it also seemed like there was no wrong choice either. Death is not nothing… it’s not “no existence”… that doesn’t existence… existence exists with or without a perception of a physical world. So right… I don’t know if death really exists… it may seem that way to limited beings living a physical world, but we can awaken to being more than that and so even if humans think we are dead… we do not die… we can only exists. We can start to understand infinity in a deeper way with experience and we can continue to dig deeper and deeper without ever reaching a finale point… there’s no end destination… we just exist… as amazing at that realization was… I chose to experience the physical reality more… again I was finally getting the hang of it… and I’m really understanding how to love and appreciate the physical world… hell yeah it’s a challenge, but I like to overcome those challenges. When that decision was made… I started to return into my body and mind and what do I realize my physical body is experiencing? Well… it definitely wasn’t what I was expecting… when I was in this state I was out of my body… I didn’t know that my shaman was already having sex with my body… again I was coming around and started to piece together what the hell was going on… here I am choosing to be a part of this physical reality and I come back to someone having sex without my consent and especially while I was pretty much in a vegetative state or comatose. I start shaking my head because I knew I didn’t want to be involved with what was happening but literally my body has an orgasm. It was the first time where I experienced a prolonged state of gushing… there was no emotional orgasm at that time… that would have been earlier in my bliss state… but he got off of me after I orgasmed and I rolled away and covered myself up… and didn’t talk to him. I can’t remember if I just fell asleep right there or if I moved to my bed. I just knew when I woke up I was ready to leave. I was furious… I was supposed to have one more week of ceremony but I didn’t want another day. I told him I need to give my things away to his family and the next boat out of the village I’m going to take it and I’m not going to spend one more night alone with him at the center. At this time I was disgusted with myself and with him… and I wanted time away from him. I knew I hired my friend to come with me for a month around Peru to be my translator and I was going to wait for him to arrive before I try to really talk to him about anything. I tried it’s not like I didn’t try, but I didn’t think he was going to understand… and he wasn’t going to stop me from telling my friend what went down and that’s not going to go down for me anymore or anyone else I’m sharing ceremony with. I knew at this time that whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen… I just didn’t know that these lessons had to hit in this manner, but I knew I had to process, integrate, and recontextualize a shit ton! I still had nine more ceremonies after these… spread over five months. And these were a fraction of three ceremonies of the eleven I shared in dieta. So what have I processed, integrated, and recontextualized since then… well… if you’ve been reading my Journal you can start to see what’s changing. When I was going through these moments I was embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty and judgmental. Even though I had experienced passing through a threshold… didn’t meant I understood what that meant… I just knew I was changed but I didn’t know how. Firstly and most importantly is my consciousness.. I understand what consciousness is… not a vague idea or understanding of it… no it’s quite clear. It is quite clear I was experiencing different degrees and even though it’s not quite accurate it was as if I was unconscious. I was making decisions and interpretations at an unconscious state. The collective was assisting in me to make unconscious decisions and behavior as well. So in the past it was easy for me to look at my memories of my behaviors and thoughts and be embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty because I’d tell myself… why didn’t I know better? Now it’s quite clear there’s no reason to be embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty because I honestly didn’t know better… I was unconscious and I’ve been conditioned unconsciously and these were the results. Do I want to change anything that happened to me in the past… NO! All of these led me to the moment I am now and I’m grateful I’m conscious of what I am now and I’m still excited for more experiences to come. But did I learn that I assumed the collective around me was increasing their consciousness in the same way I am and at the degrees I am and at the pace that I am… Yes I assumed wrong… that has not been verified in my experience. Many of the collective are still behaving and thinking in a nonconscious manner. So I want to completely trust and surrender and maybe I’ll be able to do that to some extent… I don’t even want to say that… I want to completely surrender and trust, but for now I’ve got to see where people are first… it’s ok for me to have distance to feel the situation out first. If I know there is something I want to work on.. i don’t need others to help me learn it… there is ways for me to learn it myself so I don’t have to put myself in situations for existence to teach me lessons in manners I don’t want to find myself in. Granted I learned, but I’m sure I can have a more hand in how I learn. Maybe it will continue to happen but I know it will decrease because I’m more conscious… and I want to be more deliberate with what I’m creating around myself. I thought I need to have a hand on helping people I’m around, but I don’t need to have that hand everywhere. Because I know existence is already helping everything out. I can be more selective with my energy, time, and focus… and I no longer feel bad for saying or thinking that. When it comes to my sexual shadow… my mind has had a lot of conditioning that it needs to work out. But again… I want to work it out with myself for now. I’m going to learn how to integrate these insights and when I feel I’ve got a good hand in the integration I know I’ll feel more comfortable sharing ceremony again. I don’t know if it will take a few days, a few weeks, a few more months, or a few more years… I don’t want to put a timeline on what I need to integrate. I trust I’m intelligent enough to figure it out. I went over to the gentleman who is interested in sharing ceremony and we had a great conversation, just like we’ve done the last time. With me involved with the Journal is quite easy for me to talk about what I’ve been learning lately… and of course sexuality came into play. I won’t go into details of our conversation because I didn’t get his consent to discuss our conversations publicly, but I feel comfortable with what my feelings were in our conversation. I was glad that I did’t have any hesitation to discuss what I’m going through and where I am right now. It did make me a little uncomfortable whenI said I’m mostly autosexual but I’m open to whatever the experience leads. I felt when I said that last part it was giving a window of opportunity which I really don’t want to give right now. So I think I’ll just say I’m autosexual and leave it as that. I don’t think others need to know that I might be interested in mutual play…. I feel that’s will be only in a very very very very small selective group… lol… and I won’t be able to assume upon meeting them if they would be candidates or not. I found it interesting that he would not have expected my “struggle” with sexuality and had admitted another lady in her mid-forties was expressing similar thoughts as mine. I told him… people aren’t having the same views on sexuality like it’s a given. I was curious to see if he could teach me something, but I don’t want to make that decision yet… if I had to then I’d say no. Maybe after I get to know him more maybe… but honestly I feel like I want to share ceremony with him too… because I’m picking things up during engagements with people that I don’t always comprehend as clearly when I’m in ceremony there is clarity. I was about to go into detail of my doubts but I don’t think it’s necessary to express… I can say I’m doubtful and I know why. Like I told him I went through the careless point of having sex with anyone at anytime for any reason. I’m not desperate anymore. It would be a very specific learning moment only after I’ve given myself to be autosexual first. I haven’t even explored that yet… well not consciously… so I want to give myself time for that. I do have to mention that he brought up they he was put in the friend-zone for the first time… in which I busted out laughing because I’m trying to figure out how to popularize friend-zone… lol… I do think we would get benefits for sharing ceremony together. He’s a psychonaut and they’re usually very interesting and deeper ceremonies. But yeah maybe the setting isn’t going to be alone at one of each other’s houses… we were thinking about going hiking… maybe out in nature might be a better setup and it doesn’t have to be late… it could be in the late morning or afternoon… sometimes it’s hard not to appreciate nature and receive it’s blessings when we share ceremony in their space. There’s a good friend of his who wants to do ceremony too… along with his wife… maybe I can send an invite for everyone to join in on the hiking… I can have my setup ready but I don’t have to pull it out unless I think the timing is right. Working with psychonauts usually they like to go in solo… so it’s already a challenge to have me be there in ceremony with them… so maybe that won’t work, but maybe there are options I haven’t thought of yet. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this… I’m sure I have… but I’m not a dealer, right… so I don’t just give away my supplies and say ok here you go have at it… if that’s the case they can go somewhere else than myself, right. I’m not going to stop them… but if they want to have an experience with me I’ve learned how to prepare… of course I’m always looking on ways to improve and mostly screening better the participants I share with… lol… I’d love to share with everyone but honestly not everyone is ready. I’m still processing and integrating so i don’t feel I’m ready now either. And i’m ok with that… I know a part of me misses it and wants to see how it’s going to change because I know it’s changing… I’m changing. I’m enjoying the changes. I gues I wanted to mention something I’ve been thinking about. Now I feel like I should be more conscious with what I tell people… I realize I have an affect, and I want to be more conscious on how I’m affecting people. I know I’m not taking words at face value anymore… I might be swinging my pendulum a little too far, but I’m asking more clarifying questions instead of assuming. I’m still getting used to asking these questions but I’m getting better. But when they go to clarify my questions I’m weighing out their thought process… if they are clearly listening to themselves and trusting to go with their instincts I’m more likely going to encourage them to continue. If they seem more on the lost side, then I’ll give guidance but still ultimately empowering them that they are the ones who can find the answers for themselves. I’m not sure if that’s a strategy to keep pursuing though because if they are lost… they don’t trust themselves so maybe I can give them a few options of my opinion and then see what they do with that. Many people want to hear opinions, but to actually put them into action is something completely different. If they are not ready to apply themselves… then just be with them and support them without having to give solutions at times. Many times I just need someone to listen which helps me process… I can be that for others too. But this whole sexual exploration has got me to look at possibilities of how I would like to teach my children. I mentioned I went from monogamy, to polyamory, to celibacy, to autosexuality. And id’ like to help guide my children in the opposite way, right… of course I don’t know what that looks like but in theory I’d like for them to start off with autosexuality and celibacy… get them to know how to satisfy themselves and get them on the road to get to know what they are interested in in their life. Once they want to have experiences they want to share with others… suggest polyamory.. but more of mutual masturbation primarily with different partners they are sexually interested in. Maybe at this stage they can engage in intercourse, but maybe they’ll have more understanding in themselves and what they like in their partners that intercourse can be when they are ready for a monogamous relationship. Yeah this might sound like a fairytale, but I could think this as a good start into parenting sexuality. Even if I get the opportunity to help someone who already is developing their sexuality and I happen to be someone they trust for advice… I feel I could give them some direction once I know what they are wanting to gain for themselves. I know I have a lot more to learn and experience, but I have a diverse background in this area to at least give a few nuggets that might help… lol Alright… that feels good for tonight. Until next time…

Great post, thanks for sharing Are you familiar with Steven Norquist's essay on enlightenment? I've been all over the place with god realization experiences, but I had my first real taste of no self while reading his essay. It was freaky I'm at an interesting point on my journey, for so long I've been all into chakras and healing, then "enlightenment" (peak experiences) and God realization, life is a game, life is a cosmic joke, etc etc. I was on that track for so long Even now I sit here and I think, oh please let God realization be the real end. It can't be true that the final truth is abiding in no self.. Anywho. No self contrasts so supremely with every other teaching I've devoted myself too. I'm learning what words describe it so I can read more about it... I'm also looking again at teachers that I had put aside as being too weak sauce cause it wasn't dripping in cosmic God realized bliss lol.. like Adyashanti, Jed McKenna is enlightened too Have you "crossed over" permanently yourself? It IS the freakiest thing and I struggle. Adya seemed mostly fine with it but Jed and even Steven describe all of the difficulties with letting go, Steven wrote a small book called Haunted Universe about his experience, and McKenna even calls no-self enlightenment a boobyprize You describe it very well. Although, I also wonder if the linked Leo videos are more helpful or harmful for realizing no self, I get the impression that even though he's describing a big empty space, that maybe that space has a little "self" in there somewhere. He's also steered clear of no self teachings since Here's Steven Norquist's essay if you haven't seen it http://hauntedpress.net/What_is_Enlightenment.html Other essays http://hauntedpress.net/Essays_other_writings.html Best wishes

I had the same problem, i noticed this when experimenting with glutamate supplements making me loss sleep with racing thoughts. High carb meals and L-tryptophan helps avoid this. The trigger for me is weed not LSD, thoughts racing 100x, visualizing, talking, thinking all over the place, full body shaking. LSD does the opposite, its all bliss. Seeing as we have the same experience with different substances there is likely more the to story the glutamate activation. Maybe it actives in my body with weed and with your LSD, but how and why? ???

>I personally don't know if people really know what they are pursuing aka Truth. Wise points, both of them. Hope you don't mind if I comment on your message that was originally adressed to Yimpa ( : People are pursuing happiness/bliss/no more suffering. In my opinion by definition. Different projects, same motivation. You always follow something that you think will make you whole and end suffering. Or rather ending the cycle of being discontent from time to time (dukha=unsatisfactoriness, at least not totally permanent satisfying). >Maybe they'll become sad that Truth, Enlightenment and Awakening will not get you laid or rich. I can assure you that the really staying in your True Nature (not the preliminary one with Nonduality already happening but separate self still quite alive, the Nonduality-Identity, the "enlightened" "Person" . That is already awesome bliss-wise, but still has phases of being still grasping and not being fully there) will bring you what you want bliss-wise. For me, in the beginning it was like: Hey, you fooled yourself your whole life with every endeavour you thought would finally bring permanent bliss. Which at the end, it didn't. Not quite. But the strange thing was: It didn't end. The cycle of dis-satisfaction was broken. Just sitting there and doing nothing, watching a park, would completely suffice. A source of bliss within you, always accessible, just do the resting in your True Nature correctly. If you know how to contact & rest in it. I am happily married (which brings a lot of bliss), and also really can't complain on the financial side. But being rich will definitely not make you happy alone, no chance. It doesn't harm for sure (at least if you are not stupid), but doesn't and can't suffice. How could some arisings happening within you make you happy, when you don't know what You are? That is not the way the game is designed. It couldn't even be designed that way. Everbody is guided back home. How can some rich folks be excluded from that, in permanent bliss from just being rich. ( : Which is exactly what you can see happening: See all the celebrity-examples. Just doesn't suffice. Many even suicide, having tried all standard methods for bliss, and having had the privilege to try them all, and find them quite lacking: quite higher tendency for drugs & suicide than average. You need the True Thing (capital T) I know, some text lines & claims in a forum. But hey, its true. And even True. And you reading that, you already have That! You are already That! Never can not be That, never having not been That. ( : Maybe you just dont know what you really are, and how to access that. Maybe there are (1) clouds of mistaken identity, and (2) regular cycles of suffering/dis-satisfactoryness in the way. One day, this life or the next, "you" will find a way for the clouds to be seen through/blown away, and you will recognize that (1) and (2) have been the exactly same phenomenon and process happening within you, one causing the other, or rather: being the same process. Like in "couldn't be designed any different, but hey, what the heck of a magnificent ride". Then you will laugh at the greatest joke ever not told.... I wish you bon voyage on the journey back home. Water by the River

So it all starts with my hobby being psychology for like 6 years, i started playing in virtual reality where you're using an avatar in the game using full body vr technology to interact with users in different (gaming) reality. I started doing alot of tests and discovered myself 100% how female psychology/biology works unconsciously. Consider this like Michael Newtons past life regression technique that the discovered. (We humans can discover alot of things by doing things on our own, these things that we discovered will be unknown to people) Basically reaching a higher level of consciousness in certain real life subject. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ For many years i was always thinking about our life purpose or what the purpose of life is, i discovered that the only real purpose of life on this planet is to reproduce. I discovered that low conscious female human brain subconsciously is mostly looking for good genetics, so she mostly will go for males that will show her good genetics in behaviour. The behaviour in male will mostly be based on survival, the main aspect of this is : If i reproduce with him, will my genes survive for thousands of years? This is just a very very small part of female subconscious. I was always thinking that the purpose of life is to reproduce because there is nothing else important to do here on earth, i was thinking about our ancestors. They have been reproducing for thousands of years just to get me here into this future, so i must not dissapoint them and reproduce myself???? Being a man with 10 children is more important then to be a billionare with 1 child??? Oh boy, i was wrong. ( You will know later) ___________________________________________________________________________________________ With my knowledge about female psychology/biology and knowing the purpose of life i applied to a sperm donor clinic, sending them consciously a very narcissistic e-mail. In the e-mail i bragged how much i earned, how good looking i was, that i fighted many times and had 0 losses, told them i achieve everything easily without doing much. After this, they called me for a donation appointment to see how good my sperm was and if they needed it. It was good enough and i could progress further, After sending my donor pasport i got called by a gynaecologist, he said due to corona he couldnt speak to me and sent me straight away to clinical psychologist. He would say things on the phone like : And you are good at fighting? I realized that he was being very judgemental and because of this e-mail he didnt want to talk to me and sent me straight to clinical psychologist but i also realized that it was a test he specifically said: And you are good at fighting? But ignored the sentence next to it where i said: I can achieve everything i want easily. His last sentence on the phone was: If you can pass clinical psychologist you can become a sperm donor. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ I was hoping that the clinical psychologist would be a female, this would be an ultimate test of the knowledge i have. She called me on the phone and started talking to me in a condescending voice like i was a little beby boy. During this phone call i was aware that she was talking to me like this because i sent a narcisstic email to the clinic and that this was a test. But i didnt know which test it was because it can be a test for many things that i was aware of. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ So after a month or so i went to the appointment with the clinical psychologist. She called my name and i walking behind her, first thing my intuition told me is that she had this narcissistic energy about her. When i walked into the room she asked me : Are you gay? I said: No is this genetic? She said: Some are born gay and some become gay. She said: Can you take off your mask we're sitting 2 meters from each other so there is no danger from Corona. I realized she said this so she can watch my mouth and see things more clearly in behaviour. I said: It doesnt matter to me and throwed the mask on the table. She was looking at the mask with a wtf look because i throwed it. After i throwed it she says: So how did you come to the idea becoming sperm donor? In a very condescending voice like i was a little beby boy. I was 26 at that time and she was 51. The only option i had from all the options on female psychology/biology is to stand up for myself and pass the assertiveness test, i started telling the story in a very heavy manly pitch with non squinting eyes to the point that she had to look down like she submits. I instantly stopped , she lifts her head up high and looks down on me (Then suddenly a random picture in my thoughts got sent to me out of nowhere the picture showed me a person in virtual reality that had exact her personality, it showed me by this what actions i should undertake to pass this interview against this person) and then left its back to the normal position and asks: What are your educations? (I said: Nurse . I said this to show her empathy and to let her know that i was probably an empath and also because this was my first education but i quit it during first year.) She looked surprised and shocked from my answer. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ So basically she was asking me all sorts of questions and doing tests, i was aware of every test and question and why she was asking them. I could pass everything easily, during this interview i felt that her consciousness wasnt on a very high level but that it was high and that i didnt meet anyone like her before. Because i was aware of everything she was doing to me and what purpose these tests/questions had. So i decided to take it a step further and apply my knowledge on her and see the results. I was answering all her questions and tests specifically that will make me look good to her subconscious. I noticed that during this interview it felt like i was being lead by higher power or maybe i was in a state of superconsciousness, the higher power was aware that i had this knowledge so it told me exactly what to do. ( it was also sending me pictures randomly to what to do) For example: It showed me a picture of the most beautifull girl that i have ever seen in real life, she was smiling at me without breaking eye contact and saying anything. What i got from this picture was: I have to smile to her without breaking contact until she smiles back. Then i looked into her aroused red lips when she smiled back like i really wanted her really badly making her feel good etc. So to make it short: I was in a state of superconsciouss and was definitally getting helped by something during this interview. At the end of the conversation i was doing short giggles to show her that there is more to this life because i could sense that i passed this easily and i could also see that she was hypnotised. When she said her finale sentence because the time was up, i stand up very fast consciously. (I did this because i knew if i would stand really fast she would experience a breaking connection miracle where she would feel that we disconnect/ her soul is coming back) I don't know how to describe this. So i stand up really fast specifically for this purpose and walk towards the door, my thoughts randomly tell me : She will experience this too look back. I look back and i see that she is staring into nothingness like she was hypnotised the suddenly she lets out a moan of pleasure (because her soul came back/disconnection was felt. She walks towards me and stands really close to me, when she walked into my space for the first time in my life i could feel an energetic field around a human body. It was like 8 inches from her body , it felt like very strong loving heat energy . It felt so strong to me that i felt like i was being burned by love and warmth, i got overwhelmed and was in total bliss. I was also seeing the world in Full HD felt like this was the worlds full color spectrum that looked like Golden Light all the dull colors were much lighter ___________________________________________________________________________________________ 3-4 weeks later i got called and they told me i was accepted as a Sperm Donor. Months after this incident i started awakening and many more miracles happend: Like going out of body 4 times, or seeing the future during conscious dream. In the dream for example they showed me a map of Ukraine and Russia on this map the east side of Ukraine was red they showed me that Russia is going through Ukranian border thats why it is red colored. After this i wake up and my thoughts told me that it was going to happen. I went to work and 6 hours later and i see breaking news Russia is invading Ukraine. So because i reached a new state of consciousness, i realized what the real purpose of life is ; The real purpose of life is: It doesnt matter just be yourself and develop your consciousness. We are here just for fun learning things and playing the game and developing our consciousness since we are god ourselves being split into different ego's/souls. So we are basically mini gods you can call god our Father. Abilities that i gained: -Going out of body if i really put my intent into it. ( it doesnt really matter anymore, i had this experience and know how it feels like there is no purpose of this) -Seeing future events , i only had this one time after awakening and it also doesnt really matter. By showing me this future event the lesson was: There is more to this life/develop your consciousness - Seeing/feeling how developed someones consciousness is in real life is a major one and how to respond to them to fit their level of consciousness. -Materializing holographic picture in total white color: to clarify - If i look at the picture of the clinical psychologist and after that i look at the wall of my room it materializes on the wall the same as she is on the picture and then it starts floating on the wall to the sides. Lesson for me from this: There is more to this life/develop your consciousness In 2 months i also have my first ayahuasca/psychedelic trip i wonder how all this will apply to what i will see! ___________________________________________________________________________________________ if you took your time to read through all of this, thank you and know that there is more to this life!

Fully Agree. And I believe there is a hard-wired element in every human to go for the radiation of love,bliss and happiness when choosing a path/teaching/guide. The Archetype of the Enlightened Sage, hardwired as Archetype in Humanity since the dawn of time. Which is actually a nice thing that Mara didn't kill that hard-wiring. She only tries . Check the Wikipedia overview of Mystics for the favourite ways of executing Mystics: Nailing to the Cross, burning at the stake, drowning, .... Weren't we (capital W) having fun at certain past incarnations. First time? Luckily, humanity as evolved a bit. Main risks nowadays are ranging from being fired/kicked out from a spectrum of social activities, ranging from your job to online forums. Water by the River

Thank you for sharing your experience. I also had a wonderful mystical experience on these seeds. I took them while doing a breathwork session, but even after two hours I didn't feel anything different than usual, so I decided to go to bed. While in bed I was contemplating the concept of "no self", without realizing that I was actually starting to peak.. I imagined that my entire life, from birth until this moment and far into the future is just a story, so I decided to drop it. As soon as I did that, my mind started rushing a flood of rapidly consecutive thoughts, from childhood memories, to what I ate yesterday, to my future career.. HOPING that I would latch onto any of those thoughts. But I never did. It was very easy to drop all interest in all thoughts because they all pertain to the story, my story. Soon after I experienced NO THOUGHTS.. Complete silence for the first time in my life! That brought about the most profound feeling of peace and serenity I have ever experienced, and I had amazingly soothing experiences with magic mushrooms before. It is impossible to feel any worry or angst if there's nothing or no one to worry about! Finally I understood what all those spiritual teachers mean with focus on the sense of "I am". Actually, in my experience it felt more like "This is". I was completely impersonal, pure awareness. Of course I am neither the body or the mind! I wasn't concerned with either the past or the future. So no wonder that what remains is the present moment. In that space of "selflessness" I felt no desire, just pure bliss in being. However I had the intuition that being in this "formless" state is not all there is.. There must have been a reason why I am the "selfish" ego as well. Surely the point is not to just sit there in bliss and do nothing??? As soon as that thought started bothering me, I tapped back into the "selfless/formless" and went back into the peace. The week after this experience I saw a video by Frank Yang where he talks about what to do after the realization of the no-self. He claims that by moving from form to formless and back several times, the gap between both states narrows down until they unite. In that place you are your ego self AND the formlessness at the same time. You are still active, but all your actions come from a place of love, authenticity and fearlessness without attachment to outcome.