Search the Community

What I'm telling you is that if don't understand why someone would contemplate suicide without attributing it to something negative then you don't get it yet.

This will bother some of you but I truly believe if you haven't contemplated suicide in some form you still have work to do. If you're afraid of even contemplating it that's another fear you have yet to address.

I think the issue is Leo has his feet in two ponds. On the one hand he plays the role of the teacher/guru, but on the other hand he plays the role of the wildcard psychonaut walking a dangerous path that he doesn't recommend for his followers. Some people watching him are viewing him as an authority on spirituality and personal development so when he talks about he's held a gun to his head while taking psychidelics, there is some % of his audience that is viewing that through a lens of a teacher- disciple relationship and will likely try something equally irresponsible. If 1 person contemplates suicide with a gun while under psychidelics that is risky, but if X% of an audience attempts the same thing then you get a suicide cult. I think this has to end with Leo shifting the branding of actualized.org away from representing himself as an authority/teacher, and instead portraying himself as an explorer with serious disclaimers about irresponsible and reckless nature of his path. But as long as he continues profit off the masses who view him as a teacher/role model, while thinking that a quick disclaimer absolves himself of responsibility for how his videos will influence people, then he will continue to get massive backlash from these types of videos.

It's absolutely sad that you would kiss someone's ass so much that it would lead you to the brink of suicide. Because it's so raw. Jesus man.

I do have every idea. But you don't because you hold your breath on every word some guru says. Need I say more? And yeah I've awakened without ever contemplating suicide. It's feasible and in fact contemplating suicide from the ego's perspective is more ego. Its selfishness. You don't know what you are talking about.

@BlessedLionI'm impressed. All well articulated. You are right...one should never need to contemplate suicide. Gura lost his way I'm just glad for his sake he found it. There is no need for this. There is nothing innately wrong with a fear of death. That is something manifested by the ego. Simply put, that is just a bias against the fear of death. The only good I see coming from it is that guys like @Thought Art see the finitude in teachers they have once past placed on pedestals. These teachers are human, but reflections of you, no matter how seemingly brilliant. And the poem was pure brilliance. Yet they are you. They are your own mind. Because you are God. You are Infinite Brilliance. They are both you as the Infinite AND the finite. The perfect, AND the imperfect.

I learned to take all teachers with a grain of salt. You are your own Guru, God and Heaven. I used to hang onto every word Leo, Ralston or Hawkins said until I forged my own path. Now I highly value their teachings and perspectives but my own reality is so grounded in my own values and truth that nothing they say can shake me. It’s only of interest and value to contemplate. And usually, what they are saying makes absolute sense, even the “crazy” stuff. Leo’s video was actually very sacred in its rawness. Part of me was like “oh no, many of his followers are going to take this the wrong way, I hope this doesn’t cause any suicides” but this is the exact fear that causes so many teachers to censor themselves. I’m thankful Leo can be so raw in his experience and tell his truth. Who has never had thoughts of killing themselves? We all have. Old me would have been disturbed by this video for a week or maybe longer, just like the solipsism stuff used to mess with me. But now I just let go, the ultimate goal for myself is peace, just peace and kindness and opening the heart and living my passion. To me, this is stronger than any psychedelic trip, which I’ve had many of, because life is now the psychedelic and the medicine and just sitting in the woods for a few hours I can connect to God with my heart. Or leading my family through a meditation. Or meeting a cute girl in a coffee shop. The psychedelic mattress is retired for me. I respect Leo’s path and the guts he has, but I will carve my own path and follow my own heart. I believe healing and insight will unfold naturally if you stay with strong integrity, intent, faith and love, and this is more fun over a span of 50 -80 years. I hope to never be in a situation where I have a loaded gun in my hand and I’m contemplating suicide. I don’t see the healing there, it doesn’t need to go there

Tina is such an accurate mood. Taking an interim from more formal posts for a week or two... I've been sick for the past few days with a cold, so while in bed I've been working on my demon-guy fantasy - how I want it to play out for my bardo scene. Sometimes when life gets stressful or lonely, I like to fall back into a little world for a while, right before bed and right when I wake up and expand upon it. What I've got so far - in the astral plane, when human souls are being returned back to their place of origin, some of them get caught in the gravity of this planet. It is made of dark material/miasma, but functions similarly to the human realm - except that things are more easily manifest here - the beings here often hunt for their own food in the astral, beings/animals made of light. They are taken, ground or chopped and made into good foods that don't spoil. Everything is put together using a kind of collective imagination, there are still streets to walk down - no cars, plants and things such as this - cities and neighborhoods, but it isn't as thick of a realm as planet earth and things are a bit more malleable. So anyways, some get caught in the gravity of this planet on the way back to their own dimension, and are usually treated as a normal, but uneventful phenomenon. They aren't really seen, aren't given much help, and most do eventually find their way back on the right path to where they need to go. These beings look just like humans, except they all have black hair, ice blue eyes that cover the entire eye with a small, thin pupil and are 6.5-8 feet tall. A large portion of their society is based on eating the flesh from creatures of light, so they are able to turn into large black wolves and hunt in the astral plane in packs. They're made from the same substance that brings disarray to the human world, evil, strife and whatnot, but in themselves are a very compassionate and balanced society. They aren't evil, they just happen to be born from the other stuff. They live forever, and stop growing at around 30. Every year, the miasma makes about three our four new souls and the society cares for them into adulthood. They don't have children of their own. It's very much a male is a male and a female is a female society - they are energetically balanced, with men often growing a few thousand years before the women, and the women taking on a more submissive role. Men hunt, provide, women supplicate and fawn over them. Shit like that. Very cis. They have an energetic center in their chests that allows them to soul bond, women bring it outwards into the men, and like a key and lock, it takes a few years at times to get it just right, it eventually clicks. It's a social, but mostly partner-based society. A large portion of what activates and helps their society is this pair-binding function. They don't have things such as war, famine, greed, over population, none of this. So, about my partner - my imaginary after-death bardo boo. His name is Matt. And he is peculiar. He doesn't like members of his own species, and he doesn't know why. He likes human souls. A lot. He is 7 feet tall, with a stunning angular face. He's an excellent hunter and amassed a large portion of wealth over a period of a thousand years being a world famous chef - who would use the ingredients that he caught and hunted himself and owned a chain of restaurants for a while. He had tried getting along with women of his own kid, even sleeping with them, but the gravity in the center of him never went off - he just wasn't into it. Before he had let his business go, he noticed a human female soul wandering around and offered to help her find her way back to her own realm. He brought her to his home and took note that food made from the light was also very healthy for a human soul. They could eat the same things. He realized that he had a soft spot for them, and when he retired from the restaurant business, he began to actively seek out lost human souls and would help them get back to their homes. In this process he realized he was attracted to the human women. He wasn't a creep, though, and didn't do anything with them or insinuate that he was attracted to them. Friends of his would question him on why he hadn't found a partner yet, it was beginning to get a little unusual. He finally came clean and told them about his fetish for human women. This wasn't even heard of among their kind. He was just some rare anomaly. They tried to explain to him that humans were a lower species, that they came from a more dense planet, that the destiny of their lives and souls were completely different. They were meant to reincarnate over and over again until they completed some sort of cycle, while these beings were made from the energy of darkness and lived forever - and the darkness - within reason, consumes the light. This is why they were so balanced, not taking more than they should of anything, living by the natural laws of energetic balance. They wanted to know, can a human even love the way that we can? Do they bond to their partners the way we do? We aren't compatible, it wasn't a possibility. They tried to set him up with different women, none of which he showed any interest in. He explained that he loved their fragility, their imbalance, their fleeting little lives, he loved how innocent and starstruck they looked when they arrived here by accident and that it made him feel good to help them find their way back. No one could understand it. He accepted it. He would just live his life alone, he couldn't change who he was. He was viewed with respect and pity at the same time. Respect for the work he accomplished, the money he made, the skills he had, but pitied for being cursed to be in love with creatures that were incompatible. But then the events from "Eat it, Annie" happened and the right human fell into his lap. He learned that humans could bond in the same way that he could, that as long as there was a genuine connection there, that everything was compatible. When I slept, my soul siphoned off information as to who I was before I had died. I was a human woman, who had a hard life. I was lonely. I also felt incompatible with the world, weird, strange, and that nothing that I did fit or worked right. I had spent my whole life wanting something in life that I knew didn't exist, being who and what I was, and after my family passed away - I committed suicide. He could see it, and feel it all. Taking the pills. Having seizures on the floor before passing out and my soul leaving my body. But when my soul passed through the tunnel in the astral realm, it wasn't tilted towards where he lived, like the others - it had been moved there, a trajectory had been made. My soul was dropped here for a reason. He felt as though God had handed him a human of his own. He had his own little human to care for and to protect and we had bonded in a normal manner. The key fit the lock. He knew that his friends and others of his own kind that knew of him would be aware of this gravitational pull in his chest - meaning that an integral part of who he was was activated, and he knew they would smell a human on him and he wondered what their reactions would be. His species was completely neutral to humans, and so there was nothing to worry about, but being creatures of long standing tradition and a sense of general energetic balance, this was something not heard of or understood at all. He felt protective, knowing that I came from a place where life was more difficult, he wanted to hunt and to make food, to manage the home, to keep me there like a little pet. I would stay there with him forever - sent there by God to offer some relief to a lonely alien monster - to learn about what his species knew of the cosmos, of reality, and I would accept his home and his food and his way of living graciously. His friends and acquaintances had come to accept it. They viewed it as a one-time anomaly and made the decision that to have a human at all was preferable to being alone, but they couldn't understand it. The dynamic was quite skewed. He was much older, by thousands of years and had the wisdom and the meditative patience that those from the human world had never seen before. The amassed wisdom and balance that these creatures of darkness had managed to obtain was something to envy. Not many beings made from the darkness were able to create civilizations, let alone ones that were based on communal effort, tradition, work ethic and empathy. These creatures had a lot of empathy and love for their own kind, and struck a balance with the light, where they never hunted more than their share - and he had more empathy and compassion than even most of his own kind. To share in what he knew with a soft, vulnerable human is what made him feel like a male. To him, human souls were small and doll like - he liked the power imbalance and of being able to share the novelty of his life with something completely out of the ordinary. He knew of God, and of God's goodness, but hadn't expected that a soul would be brought to him, just for him. He felt very grateful. Creatures of the darkness were not often bestowed as many gifts as those that were light oriented - no matter how generous or neutral they were. That's all I got. I'm trying to expand on the traditions of these people, how things are manifest into their world, what a soul-bond entails between one of them and a human and how that works, the type of animals that they hunt and the cuisine that they make, what they look like as wolves, how exactly Matt helps the souls of humans - I don't know exactly how he got them on the right track to go back to where they belong, they don't use cars - so what sort of transportation they take, yadda yadda. After a few months, I'll have a fully detailed little world to fall back on for maximum cope. I like this one, this one is actually fun. And 'cause in this fantasy I'm like - fucken dead, I'm all hot again, so I don't feel like a total troll. It's a win-win. I hope my soul does get whisked away to some other place after death, to be with some dark demon man. They say everyone has their match - maybe mine is not part of this dimension?

You do realise your gonna get old sick, ill health and die, life is suffering, or maybe your not old enough to have realised this yet. All your loved ones will die, you will get seriously ill and sick. Not in a 'oh its just a my perception of it, not looking at the bright side', if you get cancer and do chemo, it will fucking suck, not just your perception of it Now you can defintely make the most of things, mostly by accepting the suffering that is life, denying this truth gets your no where to the OP suicide doesn't work as you'll just rnadomly be reborn as an ant or something

^ You're creating your suffering. I will have to say this multiple times until my head is blue. Victim mentality is delusion. As a baby if you gave up because it was hard you would never have learned to talk. If you never took school seriously you would have never learned to read and write. I can tell you never played God mode in a video game or mastered something tough utterly and completely. If there wasn't challenge in life there would be nothing to do. If you could predict the future perfectly there would be nothing to look forward too. If you could jump back easily between being God consciousness and human consciousness you strip all meaning away. Go play a hacked a game where at anytime you can just change the rules of the game at whim whenever it gets too hard. What you will find over time...is you will get bored of it and turn it off. If God made suicide painless or too easy, you would quit more often. God wanted a life. You can't have a life if you do those things. Besides the truth is, you are just venting you claim its hard to kill yourself? Its actually quite easy. You are nowhere near the edge because you wouldn't be on the forums writing long paragraphs. You would be constructing strategies to end it all. Stop lying to yourself, you just want things to get a little easier for a short while that's all. You don't have a strong foundation map of reality and that is why you suffer. You only suffer your perception. Stop saying God like its not you. ITS YOU. Like I still can't understand how awakening to the fact that you are God makes you a bigger victim than before? If its you, how are you blaming anyone else? It doesn't even make sense!!!! It's like you commit murder yesterday and say I can't believe the yesterday version of me killed that person. He's so bad he should be better!!! This abdication of responsibility is so delusional at this point you might need to get checked out or something. Its not healthy. You gonna claim you didn't write this paragraph too? God is so bad it wrote this whole thread!! God is so bad it made me walk and brush my teeth. But here is the funny thing!!! If you got what you wanted in life you wouldn't say it was God, you would say it was the human you!!! So when things are bad, God fault, when things are good for me, HUMAN ME!!! You don't even realize how big of a trap you have created. You have created the infinite ditch called victimization that you are constantly digging. You dig low enough you may off yourself. If you are afraid to off yourself then you are lying you want to live and are playing the victim.

my sister lives in a town of, shall we say, hippies. a facilitator arrived 1,5 years ago and began to facilitate bufo. my sister had a trauma that still lasts, she entered a kind of mental regression, increasingly attached and untreatable. a friend of her, a national jiu jitsu champion, quite narcissistic, committed suicide a few days later by jumping off a bridge in the highway. it is not a joke. I believe that this has to be done by someone who has the motivation, the perseverance, the courage to do it alone. if not better not do it

@Loba You sound so romantic how you speak of your suicide fantasies

Yes, I do have a concern for these people. However, "these people" is not a uniform category. Many of them are not feeling right after surgery and many commit suicide anyways (about 40% in the 7 year period after surgery). I don't oppose those who go through the process of surgery and hormonal procedures. Nevertheless, there are cases when they jump into the process and it doesn't have a happy ending. I question the fact that it is often presented as a safe and effective solution to the gender dysphoria problem, and that is not quite true. Some people have severe complications after the transition, causing extreme unhappiness to them and their families. Puberty blockers have long term effects, that are not transparently explained by the doctors that say "it just puts a pause to the development, while the teenager is in doubt, and they can resume normal development as soon as they quit the puberty blockers". That is a lie, and in the cases where the individual doesn't want to continue with it, and they no longer identify themselves as someone of the opposite sex , the damage is done and normal development does not resume smoothly. I question the fact that a 13 year-old girl can go through hormonal therapy without the consent of their parents , while at the same time you need to be 18 to drive or use alcohol or to tattoo yourself. I am concerned of the lack of balance in the implementation of public policies that can have good intentions, but can cause damage in the long run to people that can change their mind and find it is too late. This is not being bigot , nor trans-phobic . I am sick of name-calling just because one dares to ask questions that have not been sufficiently addressed.

It is possible to be alive and dead simultaneously. But this is a genuine awakening. It reminds me of various schizophrenics that claim that they have committed suicide. Obviously it's difficult for other people to believe that they've committed suicide, but it seems very likely to me that they have, that the mind (the ego?) is able to be killed and leave the body intact. There is no more Witness and Witnessed; there is just the Witnessing, no, just the objects of reality themselves. No, there aren't even objects or quantities anymore, because no space or separation of space is possible, so we're left with bare reality, bare qualities, life and death merged together as one harmonious (or apparently disharmonious) being of self-existent Nothing and Everythingness.

Can you think about what you just asked for even a second? Gender dysphoria means your body doesn't match your internal identity. There is no more dysphoria if your new body matches your identity sufficiently. We wouldn't gatekeep the right for them to identify as their internal identity behind the paywall of affording an expensive surgery... What exactly do you want us to do with the information provided in this "What is a woman" documentary? Do you actually have any prescriptive actions we should commit to on the basis of your position? Would you prefer that all trans people be forced to identify as the gender they were assigned at birth, and have more of them commit suicide because you won't afford them the courtesy of addressing them as their preferred gender? Matt Walsh is undeniably a bigot, and I assumed those credits transfer to those who bolster his messaging. If this was a faulty assumption I apologize, but frankly I don't think it is. The questions you're asking would be obvious if you actually had any sincere concern for these people.

@Loba I wouldn’t use this forum as a place to gauge what men are like today. It’s kinda a cesspool where people who don’t have success with women take out their angst about and talk about how close they are to suicide. It’s a form of therapy. so of course these men are not going to be super respectful and masculine to the women here. This shouldn’t surprise you at all. while it’s true that men are pro skirt interested in sex I think what is understated is that men also value the emotional connection, the love and approval we get, companionship, the laughter and feeling like a man. If not ALL guys would just have sex with prostitutes, watch porn, or fuck sex dolls. there are plenty of men who improve themselves as humans and study sexuality, relationships and how to respectfully treat a women. Unfortunately there just a lot of messiness on both sides throughout this proccess. The guys here though, the incels, they are pretty bitter about never having success with women so when they sound like jerks it shouldn’t be a shock

Sure, but where you draw you line what you consider normal will be different for people and it will be subjective , thats why most guys here didn't agree with most of your takes with being a therapist and stuff like that. You were pushing really hard on guys here, because they said they don't want to get into a relationship with a girl with for example daddy issues. Just because they don't want to be with a girl like that, that doesn't mean that they won't be caring and won't be protective to a different girl who don't has that particular bad trait. If you get into a relationship with a girl, who you are not really compatible with (where she has a lot of traits that you don't like and can't tolerate) that will almost necessarily lead to failure and disaster. Why not try to find a girl, who you are a lot more compatible with and you don't need to change her whole persona and habits and goals etc. This doesn't mean that you have to find the perfect one, but you have to be compatible with her on the vast majority of things , otherwise you really are wasting your time. You would ideally do this in a smart way though. Im sure most guys here would invest time, energy and resources into a relationship, if they think they could have a future with that particular person, but again, if you guys are mostly not compatible, then why waste your time ,why not find someone who you vibe,resonate with a lot more? Sure, maybe. But there is a huge difference between a girl who is on the edge of suicide, can't take care of herself, depressed vs a girl who has some medium outburst from time to time. I think that nuance here is really important and there is a spectrum here that we need to acknowledge.

I'm still seriously flirting with it. Suicide is bae. I've spent the last two months with it on my mind nearly non-stop is some form or another, either trying to reconnect with the other side, to try and glean into some form of solution from my "people" there into this feeling of depression and low key angst. I've tried learning all about NDE's and what to expect, I've tried humour and self introspection and nothing seems to get rid of this obsessive morbid curiosity. Literally the only thing that is keeping me here is that I couldn't stand knowing that I ruined the tail end of my parent's lives by ending myself. I can't help but visualize their pain over the whole thing, and just when they've started retirement. It seems like ending it now would be too selfish and cruel. And on top of it I have these pets that I am responsible for. My cat Sandy only trusts me, if I leave then she will never again know what it is like to be snuggled. My dog would be confused and would look for me around the house, but I think she would move on okay after some time. I'm just looking forward to it so much, and waiting fifteen years until my pets and parents pass away feels like forever, I don't know how I am going to manage feeling normal in this life, for who I am. Nothing feels good or right, and I can't fully pinpoint why I feel this way. Maybe I've just been repressing too many things and it's call coming up, especially recently, I've been doing a lot of shadow work, trying to understand myself a little bit better, but nothing seems to do the trick. I'm super bummed out that I have to live in this terrible life in this body that I hate in a world that I don't belong in for another decade and a half, possibly more. I wish I would just get cancer or a heart attack or something and then the responsibility of having to wait around would be nullified. I feel super guilty for having these feelings, because even though I am not young or healthy, I have a comfortable life, the kind of life that many people who aren't privilege would dream of having - and I feel guilt because I know that they would have done so much more with it than I did. I just want to wake up in the morning and to not feel bitter and confused about my emotions, and resentful and then ultimately guilty, like I don't even have the right to feel upset. And perhaps I don't? I don't fucking know. But this ideation, this absolute heart-wrenching longing for the other side never goes away, I just keep thinking, once I am there and not here everything will make sense. Ya dig?

Oh boy !. This one was a killer to me at the time it was released. I still listen to it from time to time . The main idea of the video is that YOU as GOD will experience EVERYTHING. Literally every single experience that can ever possibly exist ..has existed..or wil exist . You will experience it all . So you will experience all kinds of human suffering possible . The Holocaust..sickness..diseases..anguish.. depression..suicide..anxiety ..etc But of course it has the positive side of it .you will experience every orgasm that has ever been orgasmed lol. You will experience every delicious meal .every fun movie .every beautiful piece of music .every first kiss .every romantic relationship . Every drug high.etc etc .... This is all nice and good .but I don't think it's a fair deal .even if we assume that the amount of pleasure will equal exactly the amount of pain...Still it would be better if reality didn't exist at all rather than it being half good and half bad . So that's about me . What about you?

Or, how about option (c)... which is actually go and learn how to be more attractive to girls Your options that you listed are basically (a) do nothing and (b) give up But worded slightly more extremely If you really want to explore your sexuality as a man and you value it highly, fucking go and get the sexual experiences you want. Don't just sit back and wait for it to happen. @Tyler Robinson It's a rung above food and drink, but it is still very very much a need rather than a want. Most guys aren't that open about their sex drive, especially with women. But you can see how fucked up the guys who reach their mid 30s without ever having sex are. Many incels (lots even younger than mid 30s) are seriously considering suicide on a daily basis. If that doesn't convey how much of a need it is, I don't really know what would. Hookers and porn are like bandaids. The desire for sex is rooted in men's ability to generate attraction and be a valuable man. Failing at this essentially feels like the world telling that you're an awful and useless man. And this cemented deeply into our biology from billions of years of evolution. Your advice is essentially 'stop thinking that and just love yourself' which is, I guess, truthful, but it isn't really helpful advice for guys. It's like saying "just be happy" to someone with depression, which is why it rubbed so many guys here the wrong way. Yea, ultimately, if you want to actualize, overcoming the strong desire for sex is good. But it's a transcend and include kinda situation. You gotta satisfy some of your deeper sexual desire first and then learn to overcome it. If you just try to 'stop caring about sex' when actually you care deeply about sex, then that's just sexual repression. It's easy to give the 'stop caring about sex' advice when you are already have fairly abundant access to sex, or when you don't desire it that strongly.

@JoeVolcano What would you say, which one gives more insight about death? When you have an ego death exp When you contemplate suicide seriously

@JoeVolcano I think that you and Eckhart Tolle are two exceptional people in this regard ,because you two were able to pull this off without actually physically killing yourselves. But i wouldn't expect from normal people to to pull the same thing off, what you guys did. important fact: Suicidal people are the ones who contemplate death and suicide the most frequently and in the most serious way. Not trying to be argumentative, but If contemplating death would really prevent suicidal people from physically killing themselves, then why is that, that suicidal people are the most likely ones to commit suicide?

That's an interesting perspective, but I disagree. I wouldn't recommend people contemplate suicide, I would recommend you don't suppress your emotions so whatever arises allow it to come in whatever form it comes. But definitely thinking about the end of your life as you currently are is also a healthy endeavor as well.

@Yali Cuz I had an ex who was a cheater, who used my money for drugs, who had me pay rent and promise he would pay me back but left after he got a great paying job, who made a video of me when I was drunk and posted it online, who abused me emotionally and psychologically, who beat his ex with a hammer and blamed her for her friend's suicide, who blamed me for needing to go to a mental hospital for a time, who separated me from knowing his friends and never told them what he was doing with me but complained about me to them nonstop, who when I tried to kick him out told me he would break everything I own, who used rich women, who was super submissive with dominant women but treated subs like shit even though he wanted them and would pretend like he was a problem solver but was ultimately just a beta male pretending to be a big man. I was young and wasted my youth on him because I come from a home where I was taught to acquiesce to people who appear stronger and more capable than myself and I figured if I was just "good enough" that he would love me, but he kept me on a string for a long time. Cuz I had a close friend who had sisters that were molested and instead of understanding their pain, he became a predator and I didn't know and after I let him know I didn't want to do anything with him, he would try for over a year, and would try to "sell me" behind my back at parties to other men and actually got me wasted and then brought a friend of his over while I was too drunk to really say no and we did it - the girl who liked that guy got mad and ended up getting with a guy I was starting to get to know - even though she was a low class escort, the friend made me look like someone that I never was - the girl, who was known for being a cheap floozy ended up starting a family with this dude and he was a total babe. I lost out for sure because of this "friend's" actions towards me. He knew I had been a victim of molestation as a child and when I questioned him on it I learned that he knew I had a weakness in me. He kept all my childhood friends and I lost them when I tried to explain my side of the story despite the fact that he had been a repeat offender, and I had taken his side before seeing the whole picture, perhaps when it came 'round to my turn it was my karma for not knowing to stand up to what was right when it was happening to a friend... I could go on, there are more experiences, but suffice to say, I look here and I see how men talk about women and it just reminds me of these moments in my life that I had with guys when I was young and stupid, and I realize that most of them aren't really much different. I kind of shut myself off from it. Pretty much I trust one guy on this website because he accepts me and is kind to me, but he's too young for me; and I have too much baggage and don't believe in siphoning that on other people, so I just kind of let him do his own thing - sometimes just expressing my bitterness about what happened while online kind of helps me work through it, ultimately at the end of the day I would like to not be bitter about it and I try to use humour to reign it in a bit - I know I come across as kind of bitter with a lot of ideas already put into my head, but there's a good reason for it. It kind of stresses me out a little bit, I worry for other women and I don't want them to deal with what I went through when I was young and naïve. I want them to find love and to be happy girls. When we are little we are fed this idea that men are strong, protective and kind people, but then you get into the real world and you find out that this isn't that common, and that for those who are given this kind of treatment, that they have to be either very stunning looking or exemplary in some way. It legitimately worries me that there are young women in the world who don't understand that men have a much more logical, cold hearted, predatory approach to how they deal with the opposite sex - that they go into it with the same level of blind idiocy that I had. So I've just accepted that this is how men are. At least to me, for some reason. I'm the chick that gets used as the toy for a period of time, or perhaps if they need some resources for a while to keep themselves afloat, or if they're in between relationships, I often get used as kind of the sexual-emotional buffer for that. When I realized that men were not what I thought they where growing up as a young girl, but some other terrible kind of beast, I just gave up. My sex drive was always tied to an emotional connection and when I realized that this wasn't a common thing that men experience, and when I realized that I was starting to grow too old for such things anyways, then the need for sexual stimulation just went away. It was like my hormones were like, "Okay, you're done now." And that was the end of it. It wasn't even really difficult - the difficult part was bringing those feelings back online again so I could work through things that went wrong and try to resolve them. Any time I have let my guard down to give a man a chance, he shows to me that it's just going to be the same thing - I suppose at this point, what I am going through is the last vestiges of fight left in me before everything settles down and I just really, truly, don't care anymore. I look forward to the day where it doesn't affect me, and I don't plan to be bitter forever. If I can turn it into a joke and try to find some humour, then that's great, it will mean that I've let everything go. I've noticed I have my sense of humour again, I can laugh more. And for as bitter as I am, as snarky as I can be, in the real world I am a woman who treats her pets - dog and cat, with a lot of kindness and gentleness and I feel that their happy little lives are a reflection of who I really am - and I work on getting along better with my family and am trying to let go of my bitterness and anger - it's a process - I feel myself mellowing out. I won't be bitter forever, I just need to accept that men aren't the best. I see the wars waged in the name of men's desires, how women are treated in third world countries, the rapes, the abuse, the femicide, and I realize that this is the real world. Men are violent, aggressive and savage and trying to pretend that this isn't true doesn't do me any good. The best I can do is make it into a joke, try to be more realistic and to let childhood fantasies go.

I don't think there are qualifications or not, from my experience we are all connected to this light and return to it. Everyone, good and bad, is a child in the eyes of the creator and so there is no playing favourites. I don't think that a loving God would put people on earth, make them suffer and mold their personality into something completely inaccurate to who the person really is, then give other people a lucky break where nothing goes wrong for them, and condemn the person who is unlucky. If anything, God owes it to those who suffer - we don't get instructions when it comes to life, we're left here to figure it out on our own mostly with whatever we've been given - I think that as long as you try to do better and to try to be a decent person then you'll get in. We don't have to live in a loving haze, that sounds completely inhuman and unrealistic, that in order to be "eligible" to something that I am already connected to, I would have to put blinders on and throw out the other spectrum of human emotion in favour of just love. I think people are more dynamic than that and I don't think that all these books out there, all these teachers, they don't trump my personal experiences. I don't think that people who commit suicide are ineligible for heaven. I think that they go back to their groups, those who oversee their lives and they are given a chance to feel loved, and safe and are healed there. A loving God wouldn't make heaven into something exclusive. It would make earth a polarizing place, so that when we return we know what we want to create for ourselves when we are put back together again. These lives are here so that we can appreciate what we have, with the polarity of what we don't have, so that when we return we understand what a gift it is.