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Introduction I'm gonna start by exploring that title. I literally just came up with it on the spot but I think it captures the essence of this journal. In a way I've given my life away, and now it's high time I take it back. I look at all the failures of my life and think that, yeah, I gave my life away to these things. I gave my life away to video games, to unhealthy food, to movies, TV shows, internet browsing, alcohol, coffee. Trying to make myself liked by people who will never like me and who I don't even like, hiding my emotions from others and even myself. Getting angry at others and arguing with them but only in my head, never for real, that would be insane. Never, ever, cleaning my room and then my own apartment. Not pursuing anything creative in my life and trying to improve the world in some meaningful way, in fact now I don't even know what I should be doing that would have any kind of meaning! At some point I was just straight up depressed, and attempted suicide. So I very much almost gave my life away completely. And ... I have not healed any of the trauma I've gone through my entire life. So it's over. It's time. I need to take back my life. Some of these things I've already fixed. I've not drunk alcohol for almost a year, I've had a total of maybe five espressos that I didn't finish since early 2020, I haven't played a video game in weeks, and more broadly, when I do play, it's only for maybe a couple hours on like a Sunday afternoon. And also I haven't been depressed for like eight years. I had one experience of very deep sadness that I did consider it depression recently, whereby I was introduced to a group a friends by someone else and they barely even acknowledged me, they just said hello and turned away and talked among themselves. It broke my heart, I'm crying again writing this. I've been exercising pretty heavily for the past few months and I've been going four times a week and for a long time (typically the total workout time actually exercising, including breaks between sets and exercises ofc, is 60 minutes), so I can absolutely say the habit is implanted. Buuuut that's about it. There are a lot of things I really want to improve in my life now that I just haven't been doing. Friday: The Party So alright let's get started, let's talk about some of the recent events of my life. Let's take this weekend as an example. Friday night, there was a big work party, loads of people came. I spent some time with people of my team, with people not of my team. Some people came from another office of the company, I spent some time with them and it was great to see them and hang out with them, they're awesome people. We danced, they drank (I didn't, though they're all hella annoying about this), had an awesome time overall. Took the train home at 5am, literally did the closing. In fact I wanted to go to a night club when I arrived in my home city, but they close at 5. I think I can confidently say I have fun at parties now. Like it's not that parties were never fun to me, but that, since I wasn't fun at parties, that would both ruin other people's experience at the party, and it would make ME not have fun because I was such an unfun person. That's not really the case any more, I don't think. There are still a lot of things to improve, I didn't approach a single person there even though I definitely really could or even should have, I didn't really have a lot of conversations with people and I struggled to come up with things to say. And that's typical for me at parties but, despite all that, I had fun! And that was a huge improvement. Someone from my team this morning annoyed me though, and I need to go on a rant. He told me "You really hyped yourself up even though you didn't drink alcohol". There are SEVERAL THINGS that really piss me off about this. Number 1) He said "hyped yourself up", this is translated from French, but I think, if he meant that I was fun to be around at the party, he wouldn't have used that exact phrasing. Of course, I have very little social skills and experience, so maybe that's what he meant but I don't know. Someone else used the exact same phrase WHILE AT THE PARTY and it didn't feel like they were complimenting me, it felt more condescending to me. And honestly they can fuck right off because THEY'RE not fun at parties either, but I don't go around telling them and other people they're not fun. And, honestly, they're the people I was talking about at the beginning of this post, people who will never like me and who I don't even like. Number 2) He said "without alcohol". BITCH! I have MORE FUN without alcohol! Alcohol makes my head spin, it makes me less socially calibrated, it makes me get drunk VERY VERY VEEERY quickly, it drains my energy, it makes me hungry as hell and then I feel sick with all the alcohol and unhealthy food in my system. This substance is just HOOOORRIBLE to me on SO MANY LEVELS! And I swear the number of people who shit on me so hard for not drinking really pisses me off. These people actually believe that everyone needs to drink alcohol to have fun and even to BE FUN TO BE AROUND. They keep asking me "why don't your drink?", they tell me "life is short and you should have fun while you still can, the clock is ticking", they tell other people "you can't just let me go to a night club with Emrie alone, he doesn't drink!". It is SOOOO ANNOYING to me! Like yeah maybe I'm not too fun to be around right now but I just need to practice it, work on it, have fun with it, and alcohol has absolutely nothing to do with it. Not to mention many of these people knew me when I was drinking and have spent time with me when I was drinking and absolutely know I'm not really fun even when I do drink There are a few more points I want to talk about in regards to the party. I realize I'm spending a lot of time on the party but actually my social life is my overarching, long term, and very difficult project of my life right now. I am literally talking about turning myself into the most sociable, most fun, just generally super-social person that I can be, so that the people who knew me when I was shit (my family, as an example) can look at me and say "wow you've really changed and you have much better social skills now". The first is that I completely busted the limiting belief I have that I need friends to go out. In January of this year I moved to a big city. I got a very sweet place that's deep into the city center. I mean literally the closest night club is a 5-minute walk from my place, then there are 5 more within 5 minutes. There's an area that's all commercial (read bars, clubs, and shops) that's just right there and it's just perfect. But, I haven't been going out and socializing because ... "I don't have any friends". I was telling myself "join a club, join a sports league, go take some X and Y classes, do things that interest you and meet people similar to you, and you'll make friends that way". And of course I was not doing that either because ... well you see McDonald's and reddit are more important. This is all bullshit, the bottom line is I need to bite the bullet and talk to strangers. Risk not being fun, risk running out of things to say, risk being kind of annoying to other people, risk being rejected or not even being acknowledged by other people (see the comment above about the group of friends that made me almost depressed). This will suck, but this is necessary. And I will feel sad on some days, I will likely cry. But I need to do it, it's worth it. And in fact it's becoming more and more non-negotiable that I do it because I can't keep putting it off and making excuses, it's leaving me in quagmire, doing nothing, and realistically making me regress. The second is that this is all so fucking foreign to me. I am SO SCARED. I've never kissed anyone. The most intimate touch I've had with another human being has been a hug, and it's, you know, familial love kind of hug, not romantic love kind of hug. I'm so touch-starved that when someone puts their arm around my neck and shoulders at a party, it just feels so freaking amazing to me, it is truly some of the best moments of my life. So the thought of even just someone else's lips touching mine is freaking me out so much, I am so incredibly scared of it, I don't know how my body will react to it. Is it going to feel amazing, am I going to have a panic attack because I'll just be so fucking nervous from it, am I just going to have a huge boner from it? Like this shit is so foreign to me, it's insane! And I know that I'm not just going to kiss the first person I approach, it'll take a lot of buildup to get to that and by that time I'll probably be much more comfortable with it all but... I'm almost 27 years old and the fact that all of this is something that I have NEVER EXPERIENCED IN ANY WAY is really fucking saddening to me. In fact, even disregarding the whole touch thing, the concept of me approaching a stranger and making conversation with them scares the shit out of me. Like I just have absolutely ZERO experience, I have no clue whatsoever how it's supposed to work, what I'm supposed to say, how I'm supposed to handle myself. Obviously I know this is generally pretty common sense stuff, you know, just talk to each other in some sort of coherent fashion, riff off of each other, try and make them laugh, tell them stories and shit, just very basic typical stuff, you know. But I have no experience so I have nothing in memory to draw from, and it fucking sucks.

I dont know where to start but yh its hard to deal with life or maybe its my flaut i dont know. The year and half have been just all over the place im 18 so when i dropped out of college i had no clue what to do so i was lost and fell in the trap of trying to find a job which i fearee doing because i kinda fear and dislike the adult world or the jobs i see and me imaging that i would be depressed for the rest of my life because it would be meaningless plus just the same old thing everyday. And this problem became such a fear that i was consdering sucide deeply because i feared that life soo much that i didnt want that life at all but the pressure of doing or getting a job made that fear worse. So around about the start of the year and last december i decided to watch leos videos about how to live a beautiful life which it did work but that fear of getting a job was still there and whilst i was watching leo i was starting to enjoy life so much and is started to become myself as a person (ofcourse someone will say there is no self bullshit but i have no idea about what it means). All i was doing was watching leos content and almost worship him like jesus well not really but i would take everything he says to heart and almost like he was the bibly or the gospel something like that. Which ofcourse caused alot of issues as the deeper i went the more deeper we went with everything so ofcourse there was gonna be a bomb that was gonna explode. And that did happen around february or march things went to shit stopped meditating stop watching leo and i dont know what happened to cause this specifically but the after math was i was trying to be like leo and live the way he did and like i said before when you think someone is like a god in your eyes and you take everything he says and belief in an instant then yh i kinda did and even today still deal with this problem. Also thought about suicide a lot started my porn addiction again needed to go to threapy untill i couldnt pay no more and my life fliped upside down in an instant. The last couple of months has been the same but the thoughts of suicide have stopped i figured and understood my fear a lot more, my feelings towards life and my excitement has disapeared and to be honest ive never felt such little excitement out of my life from the last couple of months which has scared me a lot because i dont what to do about it. Another problem ive been having is always not knowing what to do as all i do nowa days is set around and watch youtube all day and play some games but the voice inside of me is always saying you need to figure out your life and its been like this for the last couple of months and basically im lost and have no idea what to do with my life i guess i could go and work at a job but to be honest that would be like leo said soul draining. The fear of me not knowing what to do with my life or whats next has just haunted me for the longest that i know. And im always trying to plan to be like a perfectionist becaue i probably fear too much about failing or other stuff. For me i want to live a beautiful meaningful life but i have soo much doubt and so clueless upon what to do and i dont know how to get there or where to go and i do feel like sometimes i should just end it all because the amount of pain that ive experince the last 3 years or so i just feel like i would be at peace for once but i dont know what to think anymore. Ps this is not an attack on leo its more of my flaut then anything also may not have said everything or all the important things but this took a while to type up so may a have missed somethings. I didnt want to do this or never really wanted to do this but i have no idea and no one to go to to be honest so this is all i could think off also it has been a down week for me and the last day or so.

@Aaron p 1. Unless the child specifically wants that gender identity and wants the hormonal treatment. The catch 22 here though, is that most children don't know enough nor are able to make their own decision for the path of their entire life, which then puts partial responsibility for the child's guardians to help them think through those decisions. 2. I would say abortion should be allowed if the mother's life is in danger, has been sexually assaulted and forced to be pregnant against her will, or too young to be carrying a baby. Also, I would say the first week to 1 month for the abortion, but past that and the fetus thing in question looks like a human baby. 3. I don't understand your question, do you mean to genocide all gender related mental disorders? 4. I speculate its social media induced, but there are other factors like dysfunctional relationships or family traumas and such, too many reasons why there's a suicide rate increase in these cases. 5. Context sensitive. For example, some tribal person who grew up in a tribe, in a third world country, migrating to the USA and doesn't know there are these bunch of pronouns, gets a pass for me. Do you mean legal punishment for not knowing a pronoun? Or do you mean public punishment and public humiliation?

Alright ok, I'll drop the pink mohawks, BLM and stuff. BLM is extremely important, I guess I'm generalising a lot. I'll even drop the Ben, Matt and Peterson parts... Anyone straight gay black white trans deserves respect... ...I guess just ignore the OP, answer these questions (and I am looking to be corrected if I'm wrong legit): - is it alright to encourage/endorse/accept 10 year olds to question what gender they are and then facilitate the surgery for those children getting permanent gender transitions in combination with regular hormone replacement drugs? - should abortion be allowed up until birth? - have all gender related mental illnesses ceased to exist within the last 30 years? - why are there massively disproportionate suicide, self harm and regular mental illness rates within the LGBTQ+ community even in areas where they don't have to face oppression and bullying? - should someone be punished for not respecting certain LGBTQ+ beliefs by using "correct pronouns"? (By the way, the reason I'm asking these questions is because I'm becoming more involved in libertarianism and progressivism since I was a hardcore stage blue Baptist for 20 years. I'm just trying to gauge the new environment). Respect, peace and love.

My bad . Then I take back my words . But also notice that its still a high rate of deaths caused by suicide.

@Someone here I don't know what data you saw about suicide, but it seems what you said about suicide being the 2nd most common cause of death, isn't true.

Yes, but to say that the reason is because they were born, is just way too vague of an explanation for that. Again, If what you say would be true (that non-existence is objectively better, than existence),then why would anyone want to continue their life? If what you say would be true, then suicide would be the 1st common cause of death Why would anyone be afraid of death, if according to you, non-existence is objectively better than existence?

And thousands of people take their own life away every year . Do you know that suicide is the 2nd most common cause of death globally every year ? Why do you think suicide even exist? If life is meant to be lived happily then why does bad shit keep happening to you but just because you are afraid of death you delay your suicide because of fear of a worse situation after death than your current life . That's really all it boils down to . Well..Im aware that it has both negatives and positives . I'm here specifically focusing on the negativity of it . assuming more people choose not to have kids, there will be less instances of screaming babies in theaters and restaurants. There is a benefit. There will also be less babies taking up resources so more for the rest of us. There will also be less infants suffering due to being unwanted and likely in abusive households or orphanages whose quality of life is absolute shit .

People like Jordon Peterson, ben and matt strike me as very intelligent debaters and users of logic and simplicity. What confuses me is that, while I recognize that the natural progression of societal evolution leans in favor of libertarianism, I see a lot of really weird libertarian shit, peterson has been identified by some of us as someone who "brings balance to the force" by being a lib who actually has his head screwed on, unlike the majority of lib civilians who have obese half naked "women" with pink mohawks and rainbow banners that say "allow children to get gender changes at any age". …I was also discussing with a friend more recently about how typically, in the past, when there is a shift in the progress of societal evolution, there tends to be an overswing before an eventual and inevitable re-stabilization but that the overarching movement is still that of progression, positivity and necessity. and so in this regard i can understand why certain lib features may be a little exotic for a while and re-stabilize eventually...but im interested in looking at more stage blue individuals, why is it that people like Jordan Peterson and even Mr. Shapiro have really good debating skills and use of logic when contrasted against that of libertarian's (maybe I'm just looking at the wrong lib people). I just get the feeling that a lot of liberal philosophy is kinda damaging. like with this whole gender thing, there is solid research to suggest that gender related mentall illess exists strong and true and is related to drug abuse and genetic mental health disorders as well as massively increased rates of suicide and self harm even in protected areas where there is little to no bullying or oppression directed at them... i suppose a good example is this...while there are edge cases, the vast majority of trans people arent edge cases and suffer with mental health issues, and im willing to be corrected if im wrong but jordan peterson says that he believes that a man is a man if he has a cock and balls and woman is a woman if she has tits and a vagina and he also says that, while he wont necesarily go out of his way to offend or hurt someone intentionally, principally, if someone wants trys to make him use certain pronouns even if it violates his beliefs then he isint going to do it because its a breach of freedom of speech. Another example is matt's documentary "what is a woman?" which depicts the philosophy that, using modern liberal logic, how can a male identify as a female if females are now not classified as someone who has any kind of feminine features at all...what are they identifying as. What is a woman if you dont need a vagina, tits, long hair, certain biological components... And should liberals and extremeist social justice warriors have the right to have an abortion right up until 1 day before birth and then after birth, heavily encourage the child to consider getting a sex change? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, while i can see that libertarianism is obviously correct, what is happening with all this strange gender stuff and are figures like ben, matt and peterson wrong? (I know that there is probably more nuance to these issues and possible different nuances on a case by case basis)...Are these 3 individualds wrong for their approach to transgenderism?

I think he goes into states where he does a lot of psychedelics, and then makes posts like these. You can see the difference in how he writes, the quality of it when he is high vs. when he is not. I mean, it's probably not the best move if you're a semi-famous spiritual teacher who's trying to lead people towards a sense of balance/a great life and whatnot, but the fact of the matter is this, he isn't wrong, you know? Right-wing MAGA idiots do kind of suck. They're like literal parasites in this country. And for anyone with a decent ethical sense, it can be triggering and infuriating to see so many people fall into the trap of thinking that these people know what's best for the country. It's so glaringly obvious, that it's difficult not to want to just shout out, "You're a literal waste of space in every sense of the word and it makes me sad." Because it is sad, these people are destroying not only themselves, I mean, they don't vote for what's best for them, but they are destroying progress for millions of other people. So I see why Leo, who's entire "thing" is growth and progress, would be annoyed with people who are so against the human race moving forward, who are literally helping to facilitate our very extinction due to their own stupidity and greed. But it doesn't translate well when you have built up your image to not be someone who gets triggered about these things. Goes both ways. This stuff doesn't bother me, what bothers me is when he posts something like, "I got close to suicide" or something like that on a video, that worries me, because I value this community and if he is sick or dead, then this community will no longer exist. It's kind of like a selfish form of valuing someone. I get value from the space he allows for other people, and so I want him to be healthy and happy, but seeing as I don't know him personally and he has expressed a boundary multiple times over the years that he likes to have a bit of distance from his followers, I just let him do his own thing, unless the behaviour is really, really unusual, then I might speak up about it. But this is actually pretty normal for him, it seems. To get high on something, and either make an awakening video, or post a bunch of out of the blue blogs or weird pictures. My personal advice for him would be to wait until you're sober. Write it all up, sure, or take the picture, the video, etc, but just wait and see if you still agree with its vibe later on down the road. I say this as someone who used to smoke a lot of weed, or would sometimes browse the internet while drunk as a skunk - I don't do either anymore, but I would say things or do things that I would never say or do in a sober state, and it's like, once you do it, you can't really take it back - it's out there, or the pattern is set. And if you're a public figure and people have some weird expectation of you to behave in a certain way, sometimes it's not the worst thing in the world to entertain that for the sake of keeping your image clean. Expression is great, but if it comes at a cost, then it's best to put at least some personal boundaries on what you choose to show about yourself, and I don't think that if you're high that you'll know for certain where that boundary is - especially considering psychedelics remove those for you. Just my 2c. Take or leave.

Note: I am not gonna kill myself. Don't worry. That said. I feel that the only thing stopping me is that statement above. Which is fueled by the fear of death. Not just physical but metaphysical death. The reason I am afraid of suffering is because it will lead to my metaphysical death. Eternal suffering will do it even faster. So since it comes down to that one fear of death, if dulled greatly, what would stop me? Why would I NOT do it? Fear of missing out on the rest of my life? In God's POV an experience of suicide is just as valuable as a lifetime of experiences. Why? Because quantity and quality, time, they are all human concepts. I feel it's that I won't have a choice if the fear of death was to be removed on all levels. I'll just disintegrate or some shit. Because even on a physical level all your cells are afraid of dying so they act in a way to stay alive and ultimate work together to sustain your body. Same is with your mind. And most subtly with your awareness, that I think has to do with energetic biases. On such a level, only thing that would stop me from dissolving, would be an attachment. Why? Because attachment and fear are two sides of the same coin. The coin called Bias. Bias is what keeps YOU alive as an isolated consciousness. But bias is what makes you suffer. Bias helps you to survive but ultimately leads to you removing it, and dissolving. Eg. You are afraid of suffering so much that you find a way to remove the fear itself one day. This means that God doesn't pull you towards itself for dissolution, it's just a byproduct of the ingenious design of God. Like how parallel lines on a sphere will meet at the poles. It's not that something is pulling those lines together, it's because of the design of the surface itself. It's inevitable. You can try to sustain your fear of death in efforts to stay alive{because you're afraid of death}. To be afraid of something means to avoid it. But if you avoid it too well, by removing the fear, you'll die. So you have to avoid it artificially where you just leave so that the fear can bite you in the ass another time. So the only way to avoid artificially is through distractions. The lower consciousnesses can do this very well. Another way is to remove your fear of metaphysical death but substitute it with another bias, an attachment. This is what, I think, higher consciousnesses do. They will consciously choose attachments to keep surviving. Ultimately it will make no difference whether you choose to live eternally or dissolve. Making it a paralyzing decision. Nothing is stopping you from killing yourself, but nothing is stopping you from not killing yourself. Why would you do either? This is what I need help with. Can some help me draw a conclusion about the paralyzing nature of decisions.

I guess it's a stereotypical day for someone like me Without a nine-to-five job or an uni degree To be caught up in the trappings of the industry Show me the locked doors, I find another use for the key And you'll see I'm well aware of certain things that can destroy a man like me But with that said give me one more, higher Another one to take the sting away I am happy on my own, so here I'll stay Save your lovin' arms for a rainy day Matt jumped down the steps from his front door in one giant leap before turning into his wolf form and raced off to Maya and Wyatt's. He had a few different emotions churning around. On the one hand he was very happy to have had our morning together. I had taken the right initiative to maintain eye contact with him and to let him know that I loved him, and this made him feel special and energetically reinvigorated. On the other hand, he understood that I was in pain emotionally and didn't know what he could do to fix this for me beyond giving me the extra space that I asked for. He could see that my life was becoming a bit more resolved now that I had my memories back, but he wanted to see me happy and thriving and not stuck in the past. He was filled with a renewed sense of purpose at the prospect of returning to work, and stopped for a moment to let out a loud, passionate, "Awooooo!" of joy before continuing on his way to his friend's house, taking long graceful strides as he made his way through the neighborhood streets. When he got to Maya and Wyatt's he turned back into a man, quickly hopped up their steps and knocked on the door three times, with a wide eyed, eager expression plastered on his face. Wyatt answered moments later. "Matt! Hey buddy. It's a bit early in the week for hunting, what's up?" "Hey, can I come in? I wanted to have a chat with you, and, uh, maybe Maya if she's home..." Wyatt moved away from the door and indicated with his hand that it was okay to come in. Matt stepped inside and walked into their livingroom, which was filled with Maya's artwork depicting hunting scenes in golden calligraphy styled strokes and taxidermy busts of various light animals that Wyatt had commissioned. Their livingroom had the common dark red and mustard colour scheme that demons used and their couch and two brown chairs were covered in woven blankets and scattered with little decorative pillows. The floor was a dark wood and had a large hide from a light buffalo that rested in the middle of the room. There were pictures and canvases everywhere that held Maya's completed and incomplete works of art on them. The lighting of the room was very warm and the overall feel of the house gave off a comfortable, lived-in impression. "What do you want to talk about, man?" Wyatt asked. He noticed that his friend seemed to be in good spirits today. "You thirsty? Want anything to drink?" "No, I uh, I'm good." Matt made his way over to the couch and sat down in between a bunch of blankets and pillows, tossing some of them aside. "I wanted to let you know that I'm gunna take you up on your offer. I'd like to come back to work." Hearing this left Wyatt beaming. "Really? That's fantastic news, Matt." When Matt left the house, I decided to take the time to go over my life once more and to try to get used to my new body. I took the large framed mirror that he had on his dresser and propped it up on his bed, using one of the feather pillows to keep it steady. I took the other pillow and held it close to my chest for comfort and stared at my reflection in the mirror for a long time. Just a week ago I was a human being, a middle aged woman in an average looking body with an average looking face. Now I look like a teenager again and absolutely nothing like I used to. And yet Matt said this is the real me. The form taken each time in between my life and death cycles. I leaned in to inspect my face. No pores, no blackheads, not even a single wrinkle. My blonde hair was perfect. Shiny, with soft, bouncy curls. No body hair, flawless skin, a gazelle-like body, and a perfectly symmetrical angelic little face... "If I looked like this while I was alive I probably wouldn't have killed myself." I said jokingly. I had always wanted to be a beautiful woman and I missed my youth when I lost it, but now that I was sitting here in this new form, it felt very foreign to me. Like someone else was looking back from the mirror's reflection and it made me feel uneasy. "My name is Annie..." I reminded myself. "And I died. My name is Annie. And I died. My name is Annie. And I'm dead. Hello, new me..." I pressed my forehead to the mirror. "You will have to get used to seeing out of these eyes." I gripped the pillow tightly as a few stray tears escaped. I repeated some of what Matt had told me the night before. "You were born in Arizona. You had a mother, a father, a brother. You were sick. Very sick. If it wasn't from suicide, it would have been something else. You were lost. You had no choice. And now you're here, in a completely different world with people that you don't understand and you have a new boyfriend. And your soul is stuck within his. Forever. And he knows everything about you. Every embarrassing moment, every flaw, every insecurity. And he still loves you... you're loved. Isn't that weird?" Maya, upon hearing Matt's voice, came out of the couple's bedroom to greet him. "Is that Matt?" She was dressed in a white kimono and had braided her hair into spirals pinned on the sides of her head. She wore black lipstick and matching nail polish. "This is unexpected. So how did Annie enjoy our little trip last night?" She came over to sit next to him on the couch, moving some of the pillows to make a space for herself. "You know, I'm not sure. When I brought her home I told her about her past life and The Mother gave her all her memories back this morning. We uh, we had sex again and she popped up in my eye while we were going at it, you know?" Matt ran an anxious hand through his messy hair. "She, uh, she wants some space to work through it..." "Oh no..." Maya placed a hand over her mouth. "Is she okay?" "Yeah, she is doing better, but I'm sure I'll find out more when I get home, you know? I uh, I came here to discuss some things with you both." Matt continued. "He wants to come back to work!" Wyatt interrupted. "I can get you set up in a few days, man. You can start in the back and we'll move you up to management in a few months. If everything works out and you feel ready for it, then I'll hand everything back to you in six months tops. We'll get a contract ready. By the way, Sophia's the manager now, but I can relocate her to the Mington location. She isn't doing well with Broadview, I think there's too much traffic." "Fuck. Sophia's still working there?" Matt sniffed. Sophia was one of Matt's very first sexual encounters. She was a very beautiful demon woman with a tantalizingly perfect hourglass figure, but she had a terrible personality to go with it. She really liked the idea of cording with Matt, especially because of his wealth and social status within the city. When they tried to have sex he couldn't keep an erection and, feeling completely embarrassed about the whole ordeal, he decided to end the night early. She took it personally and told everyone who worked in the restaurant that he wasn't well endowed and that he would never make another woman happy, and often publicly degraded him to cope with her own irritation that nothing ever panned out between the two of them. Before Matt quit his job, he had admitted to a few colleagues that he had brought a human home and that he was caring for her. Violet. He mentioned that he was developing feelings for her. Upon hearing this, in a fit of jealous rage, Sophia spread rumours throughout the three restaurants that he had a fetish for "gutter rats". Matt was actually a very attractive prospect to a lot of demon women but not finding them sexually appealing, he rarely took notice and had a string of broken hearts that, for the most part, he was completely oblivious to. He knew that when he went back to work, she would give him hell for being in the position to eventually take over her job. "Fuck that bitch." He muttered under his breath. Wyatt chuckled. "I know Matt." Wyatt knew about Sophia's temperament. "It's going to be okay, man. It's just a few months with her." Matt looked at the ground and sucked on his upper fang in irritation. "Matt, I am so happy for you." Maya piped up. "What made you change your mind?" "Well... I have someone now. And I love her. So... I feel fucking good, you know, Maya?" The two of them smiled at one another. Despite being Wyatt's wife, Maya absolutely adored Matt and wanted to see him happy. Before she met Wyatt, she was very interested in Matt and they had gone on a date together but he didn't feel a connection so he introduced her to Wyatt, thinking that they would be a better match. And he was right. Weeks later, they had a cord between them. She was always trying to find ways to bring him out of his shell and to help him facilitate a connection with someone. After he had found a partner for her, she had wanted to return the favour. Hearing this news was music to her ears. "She's waiting at the house for me. So I don't wanna stay here too long. But I have a favour to ask of you." "What's that?" "My house isn't safe to leave a human alone in. Could I, uh, could I bring her by in the morning before I head to work to stay with you, Maya? I can't just leave her in my room all day. It won't be forever. It's just until I can figure something else out." "Matt, of course!" Maya exclaimed. "I can teach her about demon culture while you're away. We'll have a great time." "I don't like the idea of a human staying in my home..." Wyatt intervened. "But if it will get you back into the kitchen, then this is fine. Temporarily." He added. "Be sure to bathe before you come." "Thanks Wyatt." Matt reached out to shake his hand. "I appreciate this so much, you know? But I gotta get going now. I just wanted to discuss this with you both and see if we could all get on the same page." Matt stood up. "I'll see you in a few days to go hunting, man, and maybe we can write up that contract afterwards. Go over everything. And then you can set a date on when you want me to start. Sound good?" "Yes. And Matt? I have something I made yesterday. Light deer roasts with mingfruit jelly marinade. I want you to take some of this and share it with your human. We'll see who's the better cook now, man." Wyatt gave a cheeky smile and left to get the roasts. He returned a few minutes later with a bag that contained the wrapped up meat. Matt thanked them both graciously and left the house with the bag of food in his hands. Once outside, he put the bag handles in his mouth, transformed into a wolf and made his way back up the hill. I went over my life in great detail, contemplating and speaking out loud in the mirror to my renewed image. I thought about all of the spiritual awakenings that I had while alive and how they had left subtle clues for me that this would be my fate. I had always felt that there was someone meant for me, just outside of reach and somewhere beyond the constrains of my designated reality. I wanted to speak to The Mother and to thank her for what she had done for me. I addressed her directly, "Hi..." I said sheepishly, looking at my reflection. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I wanted to thank you for Matt. He's a really wonderful person and I am so glad to have him. I also wanted to thank you for giving me back my history..." I held tightly onto the pillow and gently rocked from side to side. I was feeling anxious to be communicating with her. "I don't think I could have managed here without my memories." "You have created a beautiful world. Your people are very lovely... I don't know much about their culture or their traditions, but their cities are stunning and their food is delicious. Everyone on Earth equates demons to being these evil monsters. I had no idea that they could be normal, loving and so understanding. Just like human beings can. If it weren't for Matt's eyes, I would forget that he is a demon and not a human! We are so similar in a lot of ways..." I continued. "This connection between us feels right. It feels natural and easy. I'm happy, and so grateful that you picked me out to be with your wonderful son. I just thought I should let you know that." I didn't know what else to say to her and decided to end it on that note. I curled up into Matt's red velvet blanket to take a long nap. I had been oversleeping a lot in this new world. A large part of it was due to the stress of these changes coming at me all at once. There was so much to take in and I didn't know how to process it without getting a lot of extra rest. When Matt got home, he quietly moved the mirror back onto his dresser and then went to the kitchen to cook the light deer for us to have for dinner. He let me sleep in peace for a few more hours until the early evening hit. He came back into the room with a dinner tray and gently woke me up, asking me to sit with him on the rooftop again. I agreed and we both curled up together to enjoy Wyatt's meal while watching the stars twinkle and the souls move through the band in the sky. Matt told me about the discussion he had with his friends and his plans for me. I let him know that I was coming to an active resolution with my history and passively mentioned to him that I thought he was the better cook. Upon hearing this news, he took my face into his hand and rubbed a soft thumb across my cheek. "Good girl..." Say, say, my playmate Won't you lay hands on me Mirror my malady Transfer my tragedy? Got a curse I cannot lift Shines when the sunset shifts When the moon is round and full Gotta bust that box, gotta gut that fish My mind's aflame We could jet in a stolen car But I bet we wouldn't get too far Before the transformation takes And blood lust tanks and Crave gets slaked My mind has changed My body's frame, but, God, I like it My heart's aflame My body's strained, but, God, I like it

True suicide often is a mercy killing because a person is in intense suffering and they believe that nothing can change it. For example, if a person is in one of the twin towers on the day of 9/11, then they might jump out of the building to avoid being burned to death. In a sense suicide is a twisted form of love in that the goal is to avoid intense suffering. It can be very sad. @Danioover9000 I agree that we have been getting off topic and we should probably get back to the limitations of compassion. meanwhile @zurew beat me to the post. Prisoners must get jacked as a form of intimidation toward other inmates.

Nobody is gonna investigate after the sentence is ordered. This is exactly right. Sad, but why not let it suffer? It makes absolutely no difference in the end. Suicide can be called a ''mercy killing''

Some percentage of murderers are rehabilitatable, plus some percentage of the convicted will be innocent. And if you say you can execute someone immediately after the trial based on solid evidence, you have to be wary about people who are possibly convicted innocently since their evidence is not as solid, not like with a video tape. This double standard would require a large-scale overhaul of the legal system, which is not going to happen anytime soon. Execution by suicide? Honestly if you really want a shooter or a rapist dead you should just do it yourself and not hand them over to the government for them to deal with.

I've been trying to think of some inspiration for Matt's look, and the general soul behind the personality, the energy and the essence that I want to convey with him. He kind of looks like the guy from Sandman, but with a much gentler, softer face, messier hair and dresses more casually. Usually just a black button-up shirt and some jeans with dress shoes. His eyes are also a tad bit larger and are shaped and coloured like a cats eye. He doesn't look like an Edward Cullen look-a-like, but the semblance and perfect facial symmetry is similar. The energy, however, is not. He isn't just a "pretty face", I want him to be a multi-layered character with struggles and faults, such as depression, some social anxiety/blindness and mild neurosis, as someone who struggles with women and with understanding their own sexuality - and to be relatable, especially for anyone who is dating someone that is different - be it race, sexual orientation or ability. Carmy from The Bear = Matt's soul - I love his energy, his voice and what he strives for. If I could put the troubles that my character goes through into a similarly well written narrative as Carmy's monologue here, then that would be my Matt in a nutshell. I've drawn from a few different sources of inspiration, but these two - looks and personality, make up the bulk of it all. The struggle that Carmy faces to fix his dead brother's restaurant is the same struggle that Matt faces when trying to come to understand himself in the heart of demon tradition and in trying to fix the humans around him. Sandman's face + Carmy's voice and personality = A good chunk of Matt's essence Matt is a badass, and is very capable of accomplishing all of the things that he sets his mind on. He's at the very top of his game with everything that he works towards - but he's also a very strange guy who doesn't always fit in with other demons socially. He's a good person who takes care of the innocent, strives to keep his compulsions in check and tries his best to be a good friend. He has become a social recluse due to his chronic depression, and Wyatt and Maya are the only ones who stand by him after he has pushed everyone else away and has given up on everything that he worked towards. But he finds some relief with a human partner, and everything in his life begins to change for the better. He begins to see himself not as just some weird outlier, but a demon man who is capable of great love and who deserves to be happy. -------- Matt sighed. He wasn't usually so emotional, but Wyatt had said some things he didn't want to hear. He walked around the kitchen and picked up his knives, then wiped them off and saved the ones that he would use for later, setting them back onto the counter according to size. He took out the pig's heart and put the rest of the meat in his cooling cellar, then unwrapped the heart from the paper it was in and began to slice it into small, fine pieces before putting them into a clay pan. His stove had four pits in it, where fire was started through manifestation. The clay pans would magically float above the fire pits and could be spun and rotated or moved higher and lower depending on the temperature needed to cook the food. Matt took a clove of what his people considered to be like a garlic and chopped it up into very thin slices and placed it into another pan to cook separately. He cooked the garlic at a higher temperature, and the meat at a lower temperature before adding them together. When this was done, he took it off the pan, put it onto a plate and then portioned the meat onto thin slices of dough before folding them into little triangles and adding them to another pan. When these were done, he sprinkled some various spices over the top. He took two plates, added a type of vegetable that had the texture of seaweed, but contained a rich, brothy flavour and put the triangle meat-pastries over the top of this. The heart of the light pig was still glowing white, and one could see the contents of the pastries shining from the inside, like little jewels. Matt put both plates onto a tray and carried them to his room. He sat the tray down on the nightstand next to the one he had placed for me earlier this morning and took note that I had finished all of my food and drink that day. Hands now free, he went to turn on the bedroom light and this woke me up. "Hey..." He said. "I'm home. I was, uh, wondering if you could come with me to the rooftop tonight and we could eat this food together. I thought maybe I could show you some things, you know?" I agreed to do this. I was happy to see him back. "Okay, cool, I'll take this." He grabbed the tray. "And you bring the blanket." I got out of bed and grabbed his blanket and wrapped it around myself before following him out the door. "Oh, I wanted to let you know. The wire room here, there's a metal panel that can cover it." He pressed a button on the side of the door and the room that contained all the wires that held the other rooms together was covered over with a single metal sheet. We walked to the end of this and he placed a hand over the interim room that allowed him to summon various spaces in his home and brought forth a winding staircase that went to the top of the house. At the end of it was a large window that could be pushed open that you could walk through to get onto the roof. We walked outside and sat on the roof. It was a completely flat surface. Some portions of the house slanted upwards, but the part that you could walk out onto was safe. We sat down next to one another and he handed me my plate of food, and then he took a portion of the blanket and wrapped it around himself. We both looked up at the nights sky. I noticed in the dark, that the food was slightly glowing from inside of the pastry and was curious to know what it tasted like. "Eat with your hands." Matt said. "That's how you build a connection to the food." I took a triangle and a bit of the vegetable that it was sitting on and ate them together. The flavours were rich, brothy and savoury. There was a sweetness to the meat that was hard to pinpoint. "So, you're a cook?" I asked. "I was. I uh, I ran three restaurants but that was a long time ago. I'm a simple man you know, I like to cook, I like to hunt and I'm a good businessman." Matt spoke in between his bites of food. "What were they called?" "Matt's Place. My friend runs them now. You'll meet him and his wife tomorrow." "Oh." I took a look around the neighborhood and the city lights off in the distance. The partition that Matt put up was no longer there and I could see the rest of the sprawling city. Their skyscrapers were especially lit up. He pointed out various areas in the city to me to show where they were located. "Broadview." He said, chewing on another bite, motioning towards a hill. "Heartford." He pointed in another direction. "Mington." "This is really good Matt. Thank you..." "Yeah!" He smiled. He had tiny little demon fangs. Cute. "So I uh, I wanted to show you some things while we're up here. I thought you should know about where you come from, you know?" I nodded and looked him in the eyes. Demons had cat-like eyes that glowed in the dark. There was no white in their eyes, just a solid cerulean blue with various little stripes that moved into the center of the black pupil. "So uhm, right behind you there, you see that band shooting across the sky? It has what look like little stars moving in it? That's what you are. Well, were. When humans die they move along that tunnel and they keep going past a few layers of density within reality. Their light source is a few densities away from ours, you know?" I nodded, taking in everything he was saying. "And that other band, the one that's farther away, that's where humans return to - they have a planet called Earth - it's in the densest layer of reality. We're right behind you guys. So, uh, sometimes you guys fall out of that tunnel and get stuck here - for a while, but someone always comes back for you..." He looked down at his finished plate of food. "When a human lands here it never remembers anything about its past, you know? Once the body dies, your story is fresh and you get a new one. You keep returning to your planet until you finish a cycle of some sort. We don't know what that is or what the reasoning is for why your souls develop this way. We try to stay out of it, you know? But it's very unusual for a soul to be structured like this. Demons like us, we get one story and we live it out, day after day, but you guys, you get a start fresh after a period of time, you know? The weight of reality doesn't stick to you..." I looked up in wonderment at the two bands. They stretched from one end of the sky to the other, and the tunnel looked like a thin aurora borealis. "Do I go back there?" I asked him. "No." Matt said strongly. "No..." Softer this time. "You stay here. With me." "Why?" "I don't know if you can, your key opened my lock. A part of your soul is moving within mine. How could it leave?" "I wish I could remember what it was like to be a human. I don't remember anything..." "No. You don't. You know, sometimes not knowing things is a blessing. It's better this way." He thought back on what he had learned about my suicide and didn't want to spoil my fresh start with the knowledge of my past life. "You know..." He changed the subject. "On the other side of the sky, you see the circle of light right up there? You can't miss it." I nodded as he pointed out to me what looked to be a large moon. "That's our energy source. You have yours that you come from and reincarnate back into, and we have ours that we built our world around. We use this light to keep our species going. There are three orientations you can be born into. Light, dark and grey - and we're dark. That doesn't mean we're bad guys, though, you know? Dark is just the chaotic element to reality. Yin. We come from the main source, The Mother, she gave birth to all of us and made our planet next to this source so we could live from it and grow. There are different species of animals that migrate through yin energy, but rely on yang to feed from and we follow these patterns and keep track of when and where to hunt so that we maintain a balance with our energy source." Everything he was telling me was fascinating, but I still felt uneasy. Despite not having any memories of my past life, I still had the emotional imprint of what had happened and this was giving me a chronic sense of negative feeling. I liked Matt, quite a lot, and I was happy to be a part of his life, but I felt naïve. Like I had been just placed there, without any previous understanding into who or what I was and I didn't know anything about these people, their customs or how I would fit in with them. My future felt unsettled in many respects. I didn't know what else to tell him and didn't have anything to say in regards to what he had told me about his people. So I set my plate down and crawled into his lap to place my chest against his so that I could feel our connection. It was the only thing that gave me a sense of ease. I buried a portion of my face in his chest, one eye near his neck and peered out with a single eye off into the sky - to watch the band of souls travel across one point in the sky to the other. Matt put his arms around me and looked at the energy source from the other side of the sky and thought about his own problems - how society would handle his new connection, how he would bring me out into the world, and thought about what Wyatt had told him earlier that night. The one thing that held everything together was this cord between us, and to us both, it was the only thing that mattered. "Annie..." He whispered. "I wanted to apologize for, uh, for what happened in the basement the other night. I, uh, I wasn't thinking straight. You know?" "Why did you let me break into your own house? Also, why do you have a waterfall in your basement?" "It's where I used to keep fish for my restaurants... and I was just curious to see what you were on about, is all. Do you forgive me?" I nodded. "Good, I'm glad to fucking hear it, let's go back inside. I'm gunna do things to you." I climbed off of him and he grabbed the two plates. I took the blanket and we went back downstairs to his bedroom. I'll be falling down You be watching by my side (By my side) I just need a helping hand, I just need you in my life (In my life) Clouds keep turning black Baby please just call me back You keep living in my mind Feel your soul inside (Yeah inside) Falling into pieces, I'm so alone

Back to my story - I have a few chapters written that I will post over the next few days, but currently I'm on a short break with it because I'm not quite sure where I want to go with this and I need to give it some direction. But by the time I am caught up on posting the chapters, I might be reinvigorated again. The more I write, the greater appreciation I have for people who are actually genuinely good at this craft. It isn't easy. I'm at the level of a bad fanfiction writer. I'm trying to add more depth and dimension to my characters; this is my first time writing a story like this and I'm a total noob, but I'm having a lot of fun with it. It's supposed to be my personal little after-suicide world. I have hopes that in some way, we get to create what happens next in our story and so I wanted to write about a possibility for myself that allows me to not only world-build, but to create the prototype for a relationship that I would have been okay with if I were younger. Writing this gives me a second chance to work through some of what happened to me when I was in my early 20's and to re-write the script into something more pleasant and controlled. As I write it, I am noticing that it is healing a lot of my relationship wounds and allowing me to explore a side of myself that I haven't had the chance to do, that ultimately I don't want to do in the real world, but that I'm having a lot of fun doing in a strictly fantasy setting. ------ "Try me." "Okay... well sit down for this. It's... a human..." Wyatt sat down, poured himself a drink and looked at Matt blankly. "A human what?" He asked, taking a long, slow sip off of his mug. "I brought a human home, you know, sometimes I like to help them out for a little while until they get sent back on their path..." Matt explained to Wyatt, taking nervous intermittent swigs from his own drink. "And this human I found, well, she seemed interested and - things transpired, and... I didn't stop it. You know, I uh, I just kind of lost control and I don't know how it happened but I woke up next to her and a cord was there. I wasn't thinking straight, you know? It-it just happened. And then, I got to see her entire life flash before my eyes and it was so fucking distressing and brutal, and it left a bad taste in my mouth, man - and... she, she wasn't even in the tunnel after she died, you know? So, so maybe she was sent here for a reason, and maybe I could keep this one, you know... I don't know man, I don't know..." Matt looked at his friend, eager for an answer. "How is that possible? I have never heard of this happening, maybe you've made a mistake? Is there anyone else you've been around that could have opened it?" Wyatt inspected his friend's face closely while Matt took large gulps to calm his nerves. "No, it was her. I can tell. I feel it." Getting to the end of his first mug, he poured himself a second. Wyatt shook his head. "Matt, how did you get yourself into this mess? When you left all your restaurants and you handed them off to me, I always thought you'd come back. I thought, maybe you just needed some time to get yourself together. You're one of the best chefs in the world. You have a talent. No one else can do what you do. And then you just left, like it was nothing. And I've been running everything in your absence for all these years without you. Five hundred years, man." Matt stared at his drink, unable to look at his friend. "And when you told me that you started getting involved with humans, I knew it went against our neutrality, but I didn't say anything because I thought it was just a phase. I thought you'd get over your obsession with these creatures, and find a nice girl and settle down. Maya and I have been trying to find you a decent woman. You've let these compulsions get out of hand and now you've fucked yourself over. If you stay with a human, you're screwed. If you uncord, you're screwed. What do you think is going to happen when people smell a human on you? They may not even know what one is, but they're going to know something is off. And what about the human? Their souls never stay here. What's going to happen to you if they send her back to her light source to reincarnate? And if she stays here, how are you going to explain yourself? She'll never even be able to leave your house. No one has ever fucking done this - what if they force you to uncord? You've gone against everything that we are, and you've ruined yourself, your life, your fucking future." Wyatt, finished with his mug went to refill it and noticed that the pitcher was empty and so he went to prepare a second one. He got up and walked to the kitchen, leaving his friend to sit with his thoughts for a few minutes while he made a fresh batch of the greyish brew that their people loved to drink so much. He carefully measured out the appropriate amount of light blood and alcoholic bark extract, mixing the two together until it bubbled and fizzed in the container. Wyatt took a spoon, sipped a bit of the drink to test it and brought the new pitcher back to the table. Matt had quickly downed his second helping in his friend's absence and was ready for a third. Everything that was happening to him was so unexpected and confusing, that he just wanted to come home later that evening with the meat, cook something nice and enjoy his new partner's company, maybe even try to initiate a sexual encounter. But Wyatt had made some good points. "Well, you know, I've been thinking about this and uh, like I said, she wasn't in the tunnel. Maybe... maybe no one is coming for her, what then? What if, what if she's supposed to be here? And, you know, in life - when she was alive, she wanted the same things that I do. I saw it. I felt it. We're the same. The creator made us all with the idea of unification. Maybe, you know, maybe things aren't supposed to stay the same way forever? Maybe things are supposed to veer off and unify in different ways? Wyatt, I mean fuck dude, it's been five hundred years, what was I supposed to do? Just remain alone until then? And when the fuck is unification going to happen? Consciousness just keeps expanding, I don't see it fully coming together anytime soon. You know me, man. I've tried. I couldn't get my lock to open, and now it is, you know? I don't think that all of society is going to collapse because of one fucking human." Matt, halfway done with his third mug was starting to get drunk, and he felt agitated. He knew both of them made sense, but he wanted to be the one who was right. "Have you slept with her yet?" Wyatt inquired. "I'm not sure, you know? Some things happened in my basement. Maybe kinda, but not really... I was thinking I'd go on a hunt with you, clear my mind, talk about this shit, maybe go home and make some fucking food and then try and see where I get with her, you know?" Matt took a sip, then ran his hands through his hair. "I mean, she's my partner now, you know, it should be fucking fine..." "Matt, I don't know what to tell you. I don't think this is going to end well for you. What else do you want me to say?" Wyatt knew his friend had made up his mind and he knew that once he made a decision about something, it was almost impossible to change it. There was nothing more to be said. "I don't know, man. But you know what, fuck this shit, I'm going home... and I'm going to do what I feel is right for me." Matt stood up, went to the cooling cellar and pulled out the bag of meat portions that he had hunted from earlier that day. "Thanks for the drinks." "Of course..." Wyatt took note of his friend's mental state. It wasn't a usual thing for him to have a strong opinion on anything, or to fight for something, but on the rare occasion that he did, he never backed down. He was generally a quiet, thoughtful and observant person and the fact that something like this happened was out of character in some respects. But then again, his friend had been acting strange for a long time. He had gradually become more reclusive, putting more time and energy into understanding human beings, compulsively bringing them into his home to help guide them. Wyatt knew Matt liked them, fetishized them, and that he helped them as a means of getting close to the types of women that he found attractive, but he didn't ever think that something could come from it. All of this was a complete shock to him and he was worried for his closest friend, who seemed to him, to be getting involved with things that could destroy everything that he had built himself up to be. He knew that if Matt became sexually active with a human that there would be no chance of him ever having a normal life, but maybe that's what he wanted? Wyatt felt a bit resentful. The two of them were a team. They worked side by side for over a thousand years, and it still greatly hurt him to know that Matt just up and left, as if everything that they made for themselves meant nothing to him. He knew his friend was going to go home to try it, and would probably succeed, and that it could cost him everything. Matt made his way to the door, but before opening it to leave, he called out to Wyatt. "I want you to come see me tomorrow. Meet her. We'll make something for dinner." "Okay." "Bring Maya." "Okay..." He slammed the door behind him and walked down the steps to the sidewalk. He just wanted to get home, to make some food and to think about what he was going to do with his life from now on. Everything changed for him; in an instant he was given everything he wanted, but he wasn't sure of what the cost was going to be. A deep part of him hated himself for being different and a deeper part of him resented society for trying to force him to be normal. He was afraid of what could happen if people found out. He wasn't sure if they would make an exception to their neutrality to damage his connection with his human in some way, or if their neutrality extended to his relationship. He wanted to be open about himself, to be able to feel safe enough to let his partner outside, to share the city with her. He was well known, his three previously owned restaurants were permanent long standing fixtures of the city. What would he do when people found out? Eventually they would - they would see that his lock was open and he wouldn't have a partner to show for it. How would he explain this when they asked him about it? Matt put the bag handles into his mouth and turned into a wolf and raced down the street. In this form it would only take him maybe five minutes to get home from Wyatt's. As he ran back up the hill, he would sometimes pass by happy couples minding their own business and think to himself bitterly, "Fuck you bitches." He ran past another happy couple. "And fuck you, too, cu***." He kept going, with the bag of meat bobbing up and down and side to side in his mouth. Matt made his way back home, turned into a man and hopped up the steps, then unlocked the door and immediately walked into his kitchen. He threw the bag of meat onto the counter with such force that it knocked over the wooden block that contained all of his chef's knives, and they scattered all over the floor. "FUCK!" He gripped the counter with one hand and smashed his palm repeatedly into the counter with the other. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Didn't I warn you not to? Didn't I warn you good? Maybe we couldn't help it Maybe we never should Didn't I say it slowly? Didn't I make it clear? Is it unfair to ask you? Why it is you're still here? You cut your teeth on the lack of answers, singing Come back home and it don't feel the same Well I've bled words onto a page for you And you never knew my name Didn't I make it harder? Didn't I leave you that? Was it too much to ask you? Why it is you still care? You cut your teeth on the lack of answers, singing Come back home and it don't feel the same Well I've bled words onto a page for you And you never knew my name

No. They havnt got a clue what’s going on with reality. They are so low down on the spectrum of consciousness there’s just no chance. There’s very few that can even recognise themselves in a mirror, their own reflection, never mind recognise the mirror of reality itself. They are so wrapped up in survival they will literally do anything within their means to survive. You don’t get a monkey committing suicide because it’s survive at all costs. No matter how clever you may think particular animals are in their own domain, which many are, when it comes to an enlightened monkey, or horse, lion, or any animal, it’s just not happening. The wild is brutal, it’s survival only. And your domesticated dog or cat is not going to become what anybody thinks enlightened may be. As clever as any are, in any particular way, they are ultimately at too low level of consciousness for such a thing to be the case. They’d have to reach human levels first, and then they might be able to even begin to grasp that something iffy is going on. Most humans can’t even get that far, so you can write off your idea of our worldly animals. That’s my personal view anyway

@Carl-Richard You have to give me some actual evidence of any these jew killing claims. Where does he say he wants to kill jews for just being jews? ANYTHING. No I see no value in that. But that's not in the same universe as what i've seen form Nick. The worst thing you can say so far is he questions the traditional narratives around the holocaust and he's anti zionist. And he made a provocative joke about killing Jews, but then again destiny said nig*** when he was making a chain saw noise so if we want to read into jokes we can do that. I think until you are outside of an environment where truth=social suicide you can never engage in good faith on these topics.

Couldn't agree more. In my experience during the night, girls will treat me like I'm a human being with emotions only if I'm with friends and wear a suit. Too bad I like girls who care about more than my clothes, and I don't have any friends to go out with atm. Solo nightgame makes me really consider suicide almost every time.

@Oeaohoo if you're contemplating suicide please don't be afraid to reach out, you can find joy and peace I promise

Hey! This is Leo for Actualised dot org, and in this video I’m going to tell you about my deepest awakening yet. This awakening was so deep that it’s going to be hard to put into words, so I’ll start by telling you how it happened… I was sitting on my couch, staring at my hand, saying to myself: “Wow, that’s a beautiful hand!” Then I got up and walked to the mirror. I saw my body standing there and I said: “Wow, that’s a beautiful body!” I was so enamoured with the image of my body in the mirror that I actually started kissing the mirror. I was kissing the mirror so hard that I could feel it start to break. I was in such a heightened state of consciousness, however, that I knew that even if the mirror broke and cut me all over, this would be no different to eating ice cream at the cinema. As I kissed the image of myself in the mirror, a tear came to my eye and I said to myself: “This is what Love really means!” When I was a kid I really wanted to be a game developer. Now I know you’re probably thinking: “Little did I know that in only thirty years I’d have grown up to be one of the most awakened people alive!” That’s just the thing: I really didn’t know. I need you to understand that it has taken years of deep growth and inner work for me to get to the place that you see me at today. I didn’t just get here by accident. Once you understand that, you’ll realise that one day you can reach my level of development too. Anyway… In this awakening, I finally realised… *looks away and tear wells up in eye*… I finally realised that I haven’t had anything worthwhile to say for years. All I do nowadays is repeat old stories about how I got to where I am today and intimidate people for not having taken the same dangerous untested substances that I have… It was a level of awakening so deep that I realised I’ve become a complete idiot. It was a level of awakening so deep that I realised that the only thing I’ve “actualised” is a rather questionable drug habit. It was a level of awakening so deep that it made me really start to question what I’m even doing here. That’s when I remembered: I have a gun in my draw! Why don’t I just get it out and end it all right now? I walked over to the cabinet, brought the gun over to the mirror, gave my reflection one final kiss for old times sake and got on my knees. I put the gun against my neck and my finger around the trigger. At the exact moment that I pulled the trigger I finally realised: “I am God!” Note: this is not an endorsement of suicide. What worked for me might not work for you. Not everyone will see the same results from this practise as I have.

@integral maybe but isnt this a problem with the interpretation of his message rather than his actuall message? Tate addresses this in the video above and takes complete responsibility Look at leo/nondual teachers for example- a very few people have taken what nondual teacher say about being god/ death not being real etc and have commited suicide. But this isnt necessarily the teachers fault right? When you become as famous as him(4+ million insta followers in a few months) a few people are bound to take your message out of context

@Judy2 I agree with that. Good advice. I don't know.. You can hardly argue with your fears especially with OCD. Because you are seeking 100% absolute certainty when there is no such thing. You can for example assure yourself that the probability you got aids from touching that doorknob is very low probability but when you have OCD , you want zero probability. Hence you suffer. The solution that works for me is simply to ignore the fears. I make space for them by listening but i don't engage with them or try to dismantle them because it never works. The brain can always come up with another what if statement. I have analyzed this . What i've found is that my main fear is a general fear of suffering and pain. I fear for example a scenarion where i suffer so much that the only savior is suicide. That's what i fear the most. Being in a situation where my life is unberarable because of extreme levels of misery,pain and suffering.

Why not go all the way? Two cheeks of the same arse! It’s been a long time since conservatives actually conserved anything… Besides, particularly in America, what do you really have that is worth conserving? Very little in the way of deep-rooted traditions, sacred sites or proven pathways to higher states of being; just Puritanical Protestantism and a stupid constitution declaring the “self-evident truths” that all “human beings” have the “right” to “live” as animals, to debase themselves in the name of “liberty” and to “pursue happiness” at the expense of all spiritual accomplishments… I say: Get rid of it! Not that the situation is much better in most other places. As I understand it, the real meaning of modern progress is expressed in Nietzsche’s phrase: ‘that which you can’t teach to fly, teach to fall faster!’ You are right, though, that progress without conservatism is essentially suicide: welcome to what Burnham called the ‘Suicide of the West’!