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Took about 4 grams of shrooms, it started off pretty well, breakthrough etc. But after the peak while watching a netflix show, started experiencing as if the show was "talking" to me, giving deep metaphysical messages. The messages were basically that life = hell, enlightenment / god = death and that all this is a game where I need to be brave and selfless enough commit literal physical suicide. Tried to calm down and talk some sense to myself but it persisted, and got even worse. For example, started thinking the life of Jesus was a message for me, that I need to die too to be enlightened and happy and whatnot. Panic attack ensued, went for a walk and tried to calm down, but it didn't help. My parents lived nearby so a went there and told them I took shrooms & am experiencing these thoughts. I said I want to go to the hospital. They were first going to give me a ride, but I told them no because I felt like I could just jump out of the moving car, since I felt like a "pull" to just commit suicide and be done with it already. So they called an ambulance and I spent the rest of that night at the hopsital. During the next few weeks though, the delusions persisted. There was like a doubt stuck in my mind: "what if it was actually true? What if I really need to commit suicide?" There was constant anxiety. And at some point it started to seem like everywhere I looked or went, the world gave me the same message to commit suicide. I saw it in books, TV, social media, heard it in radio, what random people talked on street etc. Like I was living a solipsistic dream and the only way out was suicide. So I went to psych ward, spent some time there and took antipsychotics. Eventually the worst delusions and psychotic stuff started to subside, though it took about a year to start really see the healing, why it might have happened and feel better. Now it's been a couple of years. It's pretty clear to me what really happened and where the thoughts and paranoia came from. It was one hell of a bad trip, brutal as fuck but very effective in that it brought up the very fundamentals of thought-attachment, suppression, aversion and ego.

I literally gave in, as it was the most logical thing to do. The realization that I was not in control allowed me the space to give in. Sea Monster you are speaking from a place of ignorance which is understandable you can't help what you don't understand. There was a reason the teachings have been esoteric in nature. Also pretty much everything you just mentioned I didn't even say. When did I say you double down on your strengths? Notice how you are erecting story lines that I never uttered. Did you even watch the video? The purpose of the teachings is to allow the seeker a way to understand what is happening to them. If a random person with no knowledge has a full blown kundalini awakening they could freak out and kill themselves. Do you know how many people in the West have been getting awakenings with no support system or anything to rely upon? Go do some research and actually speak from a place of understanding. When people enter into this domain with a lack of knowledge they can do harm to themselves or others. There have been people who have died from taking psychedelics from mixing the wrong chemicals or committing suicide. So yes understanding is important, when people have no clue what they are doing they freak out.

Spirituality should only be done for a desire for truth/love of self and all of reality. Why? Because it is the most dangerous path. There is no more dangerous path out there. You are literally tinkering with your sanity. I have realized now why so many get trapped in different aspects of spirituality, it is because they HAVE TOO due to fear. The two biggest obstacles to going deep enough into Spirituality is attachment to self and others, and the fear of insanity. If you are not ready to face these fears....STOP! IMMEDIATELY!!! OTHERWISE you could traumatize yourself. I could say further, but I won't because there are many on this spirituality forum who shouldn't even be on here and I really believe they are on here because they look at it as if it's some cool club not realizing that Spirituality is psychic suicide. You are blowing up your entire identity, not being careful can and will drive you to insanity and not the religious insanity talked about, the kind that has you stuck on drugs yelling at a wall for the rest of your life. And no that last bolded statement is not hyperbole. Let me ask, are you willing to go insane for the truth? Are you willing to lose everything for truth? Are you willing to lose everything you have ever loved and hated for the truth? If any of your answers are no, go back to your regular life.

From the data Ive seen, the people who regret it are much less than people who commit suicide because of not getting surgery. More research needs to be done, but we have to recognise what the data suggests right now. So the real question is what if your kid kill him/herself in the future, because of not getting surgery before going through puberty? Its justified, because you can significantly lower the likelyhood, that your kid will kill him/herself in the future, becasue of this problem. Before going through puberty, I don't know the exact age, but around 11-12. The numbers I have seen on that is just incredibly low compared to trans people who couldn't get surgery in time and attempted suicide. Look up the studies on this matter , the studies I have seen on this issue all suggests that surgery is the most effective method when it comes to lowering suicide rates. The problem is that you can't wait until adulthood, because as I said,when your body goes through puberty, it changes in ways that can't be changed afterwards, and then these people won't have a chance to have a decision, beacuse their life is already set in a way where it cannot be changed. These surgeries don't happen easily. A psychiatrist or a psychologist first find out if the child really wants to do it, and after a long trial if the doctor agrees to it, then the kid can have a surgery.

Bliss I accidentally let slip earlier this month that I'm in blissful states quite frequently or almost always. Let me explain. I'm hit with states of oneness and Beauty, such is my default. Such is my gifting. However, I have many drawbacks and issues, and challenges. God chooses the silent. The 'dumb'. The meek and the small. Maybe to not spread ignorance, to keep the jewel hidden. God values keeping it all hidden and secret. When I 'grow up' in density, God decides the secret needs to be let loose. I can amplify my gifting through meditation and by inviting the presence of God. "Start by welcoming Him and thank Him for coming to you and bringing all that He is and has. Acknowledge and enjoy His presence" . "Keep It Secret. Keep It Safe." - Gandalf. JRR Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings You can see this reflected in Lord of the Rings. A powerful object- the Ring (Spirit, the sun, love) is given to an underestimated being so as to keep it hidden. This ring holds great power so 'God' gives the task and the ring to the smallest of creatures. Only he can be the one to keep the ring hidden. The Ring and the rings of power have run havoc in the hands of more powerful beings and so Frodo is maybe destroying with his pure heart the ignorance and corruption the ring has caused/is causing. Masculine and hating The masculine sword of truth can easily fall into the territory of hating if the individual integrating the masculine is not careful. It's recommended that you come from a meditative place. Some forms of criticism can be constructive even if they may seem like hating on the surface. Just as some forms of compliments can be constructive and shouldn't be necessarily relegated as ego-boosting if the complimenter feels the conviction to do so. Generally, the masculine will occur alongside internal and external backlash. Hating is an obvious and often subtle attempt to put someone down and make someone uncomfortable, such as calling someone low IQ or low social calibration. The discomfort from utilizing the masculine can result in hating. Hating is often dismissed as Ti or as some bastardized version of the masculine when actually it is anything but. It is NOT 'Ti', it is just pathetic. I think, generally, truly the need for the masculine sword of truth is rare. But to ignore its usefulness entirely is too much as well. Compliments When your heart opens and your mind finds a deep calm then you will find it in you to find the True Compliment Born out of True Love. To be in gratitude is one of the highest states; to be in gratitude to a person and to bare your soul, if only for a moment. When you know the conviction to speak something beautiful and kind and the constructive nature of baring your soul, the impact that simple act can have despite adversity. Like plucking off the spikes on a rose bush the feminine can soften inevitable energetic 'upsets'. Pretty excuses Recently I've been misbehaving and doing all kinds of stupid, low-consciousness stuff. I've gone back to one or two places in development. I want to move forward and evolve. I think that certain users on here were super toxic to my system. But what does that say about my system if it's so shaken up and easily fallen back a few stages in development just by a few silly certain users on here? Not much. Plus I can't really blame anyone but myself. 100% responsibility. Popularity The masculine is decidedly popular. The popular girl is the feminine leading with the masculine. She makes her energy attractive and desirable by pulling away, making herself scarce, indicating high value. That pulling away causes a need for a rejoining. The feminine offers herself up freely, is transparent and you'll see her make moves on the chessboard of life that don't seem obviously in her favour, in the short term. She does not create a pull away that requires a rejoining. She is apparently an ugly duckling until she learns to integrate her masculine and knows her value. She doesn't play the masculine game at her own expense. Talk There is talk of Being and then there is BEING. Those who walk the path, who recognize BEING when they hear her. I'll be honest I rarely see BEING on this forum or even in spiritual circles. It's all intellectual masturbation, there still lacks a grasping. Probably Leo is the only one I've seen who kinda gets it, which is probably why I need to defer to him a little more and stop my criticism as much. I'm just skeptical of his methodologies. I think God gifts people spiritual gifts for a reason and saying DMT can trump God's decision-making seems wrong to me. Outer manifestations of how 'good' you are or how well you talk the spiritual talk or how many followers you have, are rarely relevant but can be a correlation. Divine order vs Compassion Faith vs Will There is a divine order to the universe. God gifts certain spiritual gifts for a reason. And yet to not help others and have compassion for others would be a mistake. God holds you in the palm of his hand and his order is divine. All is well, whatever you choose. But you still need to have compassion. Others need to search out the gifts, such is the masculine. Such is will. You cannot rely solely on faith, the feminine. This is where DMT and weed etc. come in. . Exactly. Functionality is not something to aspire to as much as non-functionality is. There holds a place in this universe for the small and meek or adolescent or non-functional or non-powerful. Happiness and nirvana are often given to the unlikeliest of creatures. Divine order. . Honestly, what is the point of spirituality and spiral dynamics and all this talk of a 'bigger picture' if no one can get this basic premise? That the meek and the small are not necessarily less evolved and less enlightened in the greater scheme of things. When you step outside your own ego and your own maps and science, the significance of others' value in the greater scheme of things becomes clearer. The world is more nuanced than boxes of 'functional' and 'non-functional'. Many of the supposed 'non-functional' have something to offer and are functional in the greater picture. But they are silent about it. How can they speak on something so complex, how can they champion themselves when they have so many struggles? This is a serious problem. The functional are loud. They have no problems championing themselves and so their point of view is the majority rule and very attractive for an ego to unconsciously adopt their perspective. I think people like Carl Jung were trying to use theory to understand and booster 'the meek and the small'. Perceivers, specifically INFPs, frequent the mental health system quite regularly and don't quite fit into our ESTJ society. I remember reading a quote somewhere where Carl Jung said the introverted perceiver's strength and organization lies in his internal world rather than the external. INFPs are most likely to 'ruminate', self-reference, and commit suicide of all types I think and yet people like Jung and Tolkien went out of their way to understand them and their strengths assuming them to be equals in their society that can so easily demonize and pathologize them. Conflict Putting yourself in conflict situations causes a pull away. Especially if you remain taut or rigid or self-contained. Low neuroticism in conflict situations (low agreeableness) is the integration of masculine. Popularity occurs when you pull away and then spring forward. If you only ever pull away then it just causes frustration, although you will be more desirable. A feminine who naturally springs forward and trains herself to pull herself back and remain self-contained is powerful. Pain The pain you encounter during the pull away in conflict situations will subside and you'll be left with the fruits if you don't mess it up by being neurotic before the pain subsides and spring forward undoing the pull away. Still, even then, there will usually be fruits if you can get your neuroticism under control. Low agreeableness or conflict comes with fruits. Fruits such as the need to rejoin, charisma, charm, and attractiveness. That's why assertiveness training and meditation practice are both great things for the feminine to include in her self-development. She has to put herself in conflict situations and lower her neuroticism. "Conflict situations" just means mild low agreeableness and mild forms of conflict. Nothing extreme is necessary. My mentor taught me the art of subtly. Make yourself uncomfortable and embrace criticism. Come from a non-neurotic place, a non-volatile place. Meditate. Speak from a place of stillness and embrace division and conflict but lead with the feminine (unity). To demonize division would be attachment. Meditation Meditation is stepping out of your own way. The flower naturally blossoms left to its own devices, when you step out of its way and lower neuroticism as a result of meditation. You are beautiful when you step out of your own way. The cork floats to the surface. It is your default to blossom left to your own devices. The Method I picked up this method many years ago during a mystical experience. It served me well. Letting go and satisfaction are on the same frequency. Find a satisfying feeling in the body, then practice do nothing meditation. They feed into each other. Where there is satisfaction there is a letting go. Where there is a letting go, there is satisfaction. It's easier to find a satisfying feeling in the body and then practice doing nothing, than to practice do nothing and then feeling the satisfaction. Tap into the potential held within the satisfying feeling. The satisfying feelings in the body will grow, along with the mind's letting go. Your body will glow with satisfaction. It doesn't only have to be a bodily sensation. It can be anything. Beautiful energies, the breath (particularly out breath), sexual energy, reality itself (advanced), etc. Satisfaction draws more satisfaction. Even larger forms of satisfaction. Bodily sensation is one of the most potent ways. Can be difficult to access though. In terms of access, here's what I do (in order): 1. Satisfaction from reality itself (access point) 2. Satisfaction from bodily sensation. If I can't reach bodily sensation then the breath or sexual energy. 3. Satisfaction from beautiful energies. . How to write this without sounding arrogant or proud while dispersing possible misunderstandings? What I mean by "BEING" is a very high level of consciousness. It is not necessarily all mental masturbation when people write of their experiences and insights. I recognize when people are speaking in the absolute. I'm sure others have a high level of consciousness and are writing of their own experiences of that. The only time I 'meet' someone with my level of consciousness is when it's reflected back to me in visions and dreams. From that perspective and in my experience and knowing, I have a very high level of consciousness as baseline. Although I still realize that I have quite a bit more integration work to do regarding the divine masculine and divine marriage, as well as growth in the relative or human sphere of concern.

@zurew But what if this kid changes mind in future? I don’t understand how it’s justified but okay, it’s your opinion but I wouldn’t do this to my child. I would wait until puberty. Listen to Jordan Peterson, he is a conservative but a great psychologist. Suicide rate is high already because many transgenders have had surgery and then they wanted to come back in their old body. It happens when you don’t have enough patience(I know it’s difficult) to reach the age when you actually can see more clearly who you are and what you want. There must be a certain age. 8 year old kids shouldn’t go through this. I think he is influenced by his father who wanted to change his gender when he was a child.

This problem is not easy ,because the suicide rate is incredibly high among trans people, and if you have gender dysphoria and you go through your puberty there will be irreversible changes to your body and then those people will need to live the rest of their life hating themselves and being uncomfortable with themselves - which will lead a lot of them to commit suicide. The statistics and the current data on this shows that surgery is a very effective way to make these people feel much better and to not commit suicide. No other method have been demonstrated or suggested that would be nearly as effective as surgeries.

I think people like Carl Jung were trying to use theory to understand and booster 'the meek and the small'. Perceivers, specifically INFPs, frequent the mental health system quite regularly and don't quite fit into our ESTJ society. I remember reading a quote somewhere where Carl Jung said the introverted perceiver's strength and organization lies in his internal world rather than the external. INFPs are most likely to 'ruminate', self-reference, and commit suicide of all types I think and yet people like Jung and Tolkien went out of their way to understand them and their strengths assuming them to be equals in their society that can so easily demonize and pathologize them.

Great write-up: I lost count of my streak (been a few months) and the mere thought of fapping just makes me sick nowadays. I can't even imagine myself returning to my old ways. Ever. Just the thoughts of: Being a creepy, lonely fucker- sitting in a dark room alone, face lit by a mechanical, cold computer screen that does not give a damn about you. The sweaty hands and balls, stinking crotch and heavy, animalistic breathing- like you're a fiendish creature. The more you watch and wank, the more disturbing your fetish gets. You end up watching gay sex when your not even turned on by gay sex. Beastiality. Peadophilia. You name it. It erodes your conscience. You're a beast. The frying of your dopamine receptors- and your mind is submerged; eroding in a chemical bath. You're somewhere else, and nothing makes sense. Your facial expression is enough to turn your mother away in disgust. The mindless, 5 seconds worth of numbness upon orgasm (I say numbness- this isn't pleasure not even close). Forgotten as soon as it happens. No emotion post orgasm. Just the blurry vision and aching heart. Your dick hates you for lying to it again and shrivels up even smaller than before. Your load- the millions of sperm, the life force in your body, scrunched up in a tissue and thrown in the bin. These sperm, your potential future sons and daughters, spat out and killed, left to rot in the rubbish because of your selfish, ghastly desires. And that EMPTY ass feeling when it's all over- you fall back into reality with a crash. You quickly turn off the porn on your PC because you suddenly fucking hate it. It's the worst thing ever at this point. Then that burning sensation of regret as you sit there alone. Thinking "What the fuck". You spend the rest of the day alone- weakness, anxiety, depression all kicks in 10x worse than before you PMO'd. Video games are your friend- they don't judge you for being so vile. Soulless, mechanical mediums suddenly replace intimacy with real people. You can't look your mom in the eye and tell her you love her, you can't go outside and play football with your innocent, pure brother. You can't imagine helping your sister with her homework because the thought of being alone in a room with a "vagina" instantly means you must fuck it. Withdrawal from closest friends who cannot help you because they've no idea what the problem is. Grades suffer- future looks bleak. Think about ending it, suicide. Think about cutting yourself, drugs, prostitutes... And then realise you're a pathetic fuck who hasn't got the balls to do either- And so you turn on your computer. And so the cycle continues. NoFappers, looking back at these points in my life, I hand on heart swear that PMO addiction is the worst thing to have ever happened to me. It sickens me thinking of these points in my life, and I vow I'll never return to this endless cycle of misery. And I hope that those out there reading this can relate to my experiences, and see in writing how pathetic it is to give in to these urges. See with your own eyes and learn from my experiences about about how PMO lifestyle is just a downward spiral. And find it within yourself to bring yourselves out of this pit of darkness. It's not worth it at all is it? Don't destroy your valuable, short time on this earth. Live it to the fullest, and live it well. There are no second chances.

Around 6-8 month before the date 2012-12-24 Was the second time my ego try to murder me(planing and guide me to a suicide) the first time was about 17 years ago (First murder attempt) No indirect search for help. It was planned maybe for 5-6 weeks the ego preppers me mentally created an illusion remove all fear for die and to make sure I don't chicken out (if i cancel the plan i have nothing to return to) Egot drench my apartment in gasoline and everything i own was light on fire before heading to my car To really make sure I die ego is pouring a lot of vodka into me and has around 8-10 sleeping pills ready ego. Make it clear don't eat the pills to we arrive we don't wanna pass out on the way(lot of vodka and sleeping pills) destination very far away from anything that Could interrupt the agenda i was 30 years old (something in there has shown me (some kind of reward for all Hard work i spent looking inwards) why ego tries to murder me and how I survived two times. second murder attempt/plan was an even more bullet proof than the first try) Tiny random occurrence in the surrounding just enuff to derail Egos master plan(deeper explanation later)

Okay so I've watched most of leos videos and he has stated that he will make a video on nihlism, but I haven't found it, can anyone send me a link if they've found it. Or If not can you make a I think this is really core to enlightenment I think most people go through spiritual depression, and nihlism so . I know that leo made a video on dangers of meditation and mentioned these but he hasn't made a video on how to deal with nihlism and suicidal thoughts. I think this would be really useful for a lot of people and could get Leo a lot of views because almost everyone goes through an existential crisis from time to time and there isn't much practical non woowoo content on youtube that explains this.

With society progressing and becoming more liberal, I see nothing but the clock ticking for these religions especially since its fundamentalists don’t tolerate certain groups of people and are trying to infiltrate politics by breaking down the separation of church and state. Christianity for example is growing more and more incompatible with modern society that multiple studies are signaling its decline. All it takes is for the state to tax the churches and it’s over. Running for president these days while saying that homosexuality is a sin for example, is political suicide. Isn’t it all just a matter of time?

It's my father's death anniversary. I'm dealing with a lot in my fucking life. I can't handle internet abuse. I'm serious I'm going to end my life. I like journaling. I don't like intrusion. It impacts me mentally. The journaling helps me heal mentally everyday and that's why I do it. I am severely mentally ill. I'm very depressed. The journaling acts as a therapy for me. I simply cannot deal with cyberbullying. I'm seriously going to kill myself because I have no other solution other than journaling my troubles and seek relief. The people who run this website don't understand how important this is for mentally ill people like me.. I'm terribly frustrated with this website's policy that doesn't allow any privacy to journal. Anybody can comment in journals and it drives me nuts. Because for people like me, intrusion impacts us mentally. We like to be left alone I'm Hyper sensitive for fucks sake. I am paranoid 24/7 that somebody will comment on my journal. It makes me uncomfortable to the point of suicide. I'm not like other people. And I hate how this sensitivity is constantly being preyed on. Why can't this website stop people from commenting on journals and make journals inaccessible to Commenters. Why isn't the owner of the website doing something? It is a huge frustration for me because I use the journaling mainly for my trauma therapy and I cannot afford someone intruding in it It drives me insane with fear, anxiety and insecurity, distress. Last 2 days I've been crying all day long feeling paranoid that someone will try to abuse me in my journals. When repeated disclaimers are given to not comment. Why is this never taken seriously? This was the only place that made me feel safe. And I constantly feel my space being invaded I want this website to really do something seriously about this. I'm going insane with paranoid fear. I have anxiety and panic disorder. I go into panic mode and panic attacks when I see a comment in my journal. And there are other users who feel similar ways. This has to stop. I've been fighting against this for so long. This website encourages cyberbullying of vulnerable people. I'm also planning to leave the forum and just stick to journals because I can't take this blatant abuse anymore. I'm seriously tired and suicidal. I'm begging for help. Mods and Leo have to do something about this I'm sick of feeling fear/anxiety all the time.

@Judy2 no I don't have anyone. My family is extremely abusive. That's why I come online. I have zero friends because nobody has time to listen to someone's trauma 24/7. Even therapists get tired and most therapists are useless anyway. Plus I'm autistic and anxious. So I never feel comfortable enough to open up to a therapist. I just shut down and become completely blank in front of therapists. My only solution is to write down my thoughts and feelings, that's the only time I'm not feeling stressed out or anxious and that's the reason why I need journaling so badly, especially public journaling. I'm protected from degrading mentally when I journal.. My family is worried that I'll commit suicide at some point. Although they are not going to do anything about it because they don't really give a damn. They think of me as a loser They just pretend like they care. They are abusive too. So I'm left with little option. Today I felt like cutting myself. I even feel like killing some people on this forum because they are driving me so insane. I feel like snatching the keyboard from them because they are abusive and misuse their freedom to type online to abuse vulnerable people like me who feel helpless in stopping them I feel like there should be a cyber bullying crime center on the internet. Because people with abusive families come online to seek help and feel better. And these abusive sharks are sitting everywhere to prey on vulnerable people by bullying them constantly. They know that they are able to get away with it. That drives me mad with anger. Because they can use words to hurt others but nothing will happen to them, they will never have to face consequences. The internet will never be a safe place I wish there was an online center where you could complain about such online abuse and they would quickly disconnect the internet of such trolls and abusers so that they won't be able to misuse their freedoms and privileges to abuse others freely. If you walk into a park and if someone verbally or physically assaults you, you can immediately call the cops and get the person arrested. I don't know why this can't be done online. Why online abuse is simply neglected? You know how many people kill themselves every year due to cyber bullying. Nothing will ever be done about it unless more and more people die out of frustration and suffering. Then maybe someday people will wake up and there will be stricter measures and policies on internet protocol and finally maybe something serious will happen and we will actually be able to deal with online abuse/harassment and put an end to it. Till then many people will have to commit suicide for some awareness to actually spread and knock sense into people that any kind of abuse is abuse, offline or online. And it's not simple as logging off. The internet resources are needed especially for vulnerable people but abusers get there first and start preying. I wish there were safer websites that took online bullying very seriously and put measures so nobody can get away with using their keyboard anyhow they want. This website is definitely not one of those.

@Tyler Robinson hi .I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know it's terrible. Let me try to shed some light on your situation so that you have an idea what's going on. The reason you are having a lot of negative thoughts is because your mind is idle. The reason your mind is idle is because you don't have energy to do anything. The reason you don't have energy to do anything is because you are channeling the bulk of your energy into suppressing your emotions, as a result of your negative thoughts. Negative thoughts -> negative emotions -> use energy to suppress emotions -> no energy to do anything else -> mind is idle -> more negative thoughts The fear that you will not be normal is one such negative thought. It's all connected, but it can be hard to see when you're in the thick of it. It's all one big haze, one neverending cloud of darkness. The first thing to realise is that you cannot trust your own thoughts. That's scary, I know. But when you're in the midst of a depressive episode, you cannot trust your own mind. That means some of the things that your mind thinks are real, some are not, and you are unable to differentiate which is which. In such times when you can't even trust your own mind, who can you trust? your parents your best friends your therapist Pick one or two, and trust that person’s words over your own, against your better judgement because during these times, your judgement is impaired. The second thing to do is to reduce the number of thoughts that come to mind. Remember, the reason you have so many is because your mind is idle. Give your mind something to do. I highly encourage going out into the sun and doing some vigorous exercise. Sunlight and exercise and great ways to lift the cloud of darkness around you, for physiological reasons. Also try serious meditation retreats .or just meditation I'm home . Can make you feel present and in touch with the real world . Call a suicide prevention hotline ASAP if you feel you can't take it anymore. I hope others will give you something useful if mine wasn't useful for you . Can't much comment on the journal thing .because I'm not part of the staff here. I wish you to live a long happy life with peace in your heart . I hope you get better soon .

@Danioover9000 Sure, in a story he shares how: He makes really good friends with a trans comedian. “She” was one of Dave’s biggest fans. She laughed at all his jokes and at the trans jokes even harder. She said at one point “I just want people to realize I do t care if I am Trans. I just want people to see I am having a human experience” (True story). After performing with Dave Chappelle the trans community bullied this trans person so hard 2 weeks later she committed suicide. Dave chappele started a fund for the trans persons daughter she can access when she is 24. Dave said at the end… ”Young lady, I knew your father. He was a wonderful woman”

Suicide comes up a lot here, and understandably so, our lives are often difficult and unnatural as well (no living community, we even work more than we did back in our hunter-gatherer days, we live in cities/small boxes) etc. And suicide is even the goal you could say, but not of the body, but of our attachment to ourselves as a separate body. So here's why the body/physical universe from my understanding has a purpose: - It exists. - You cannot kill the mental body (www.evidenceforthesoul.weebly.com) - In a physical body you can experience the collective human path of transformation/awakening, live a unique enlightened physical life and help and love others. - If you kill the physical body, you will be faced with the still unresolved subconscious: like the potential you still have for bad dreams: So you will then be faced with yourself, a mind reality composed of the mental tendencies of bodily/mental identification of attachment and fear. So if you cannot let go of yourself, you will probably reincarnate anyways. Not as a judgment or punishment, but out of your choice to resist the fullness of God/Self, and you'll come into another body to complete your growth process. (I once asked before I went to sleep about why I shouldn't kill myself with the intent to learn more on this: I had a realistic nightmare of being in a cathedral. Yet I knew it was also a mental realm, so I could use my power to alter the dream. Though I didn't like it there all together, the cathedral reminded me of the fear of God I think, and the raw stone of the raw reality. Then I saw a guy, and I got scared, I thought maybe he would kill or hurt me. So I tried to burn/freeze him with my mind to scare him off/kill him. I got spooked by that realization of me being a killer and I tried to run, and the people came after me imagined. Then I chased women to have sex (though I never have to rape for it in my dreams), for pleasure and it was unsatisfactory because I was still not at ease/afraid.. When I asked this again later, I also had a dream of a grown man in a baby's body, but the man was looking unconscious and a bit dumb, bewildered, frozen in unconscious fear. Which explains why some children are born very bright, and some are not. and of course Buddhism/Hinduism also talk about reincarnating depending on your level of consciousness). One last thing, a teacher I trust based on direct experience as well, namely Bashar, also says that physical life has the purpose of shaping your spirit. You have the physical life experiences under your belt after the life, and that grows you into a unique being, 'like fire to solidify clay'. And so after the physical shaping you can live forth as an (evolved) human spirit. -- Here's a cool excerpt from an awakening and of really amazing life story: And I just heard: 'For this, you're born.' I think btw suicide is different if the body is like old and sick and stuff and you do it with consciousness, you can say your goodbyes and love properly too. After all, everything is Self created, there will never be an outside source judging you. Peace

First huawei and now this. I thought we are globalized. It turns out to be it's my data vs yours. What is the point of cockblocking certain information or data? Who benefits from that... 9/11 changed the definition of national security and now the new informations are national security breach... If you are not subscribed to certain narrative you are a national security breach. Gotta love national security club. When they gonna reset the economy and replace it with centralized coins they will justify it as national security. Politics is like a child commiting ''suicide'' from balcony because he thinks hes a Pokemon. Maybe he is a pokemon? not a pile of meat? Politics is creation.

This fear of cults is getting ridiculous, has it ever occured to you that this place is more likely to be a cult than that casual discord channel ever was? There is no comparison to be made to Heaven's gate, it's just a ridiculous comparison. Sure there might be cult Discords out there but that Discord server was more like a casual server where people chatted about random stuff and psychology. Reminded me more of my friends Discord groups than some spiritual haven. If the Discord proposed suicide as the solution I would have quit it instantly. Also, this forum is no guarantee to not misunderstand spiritual teachings. I'm sure people misunderstand spiritual teachings on here all the time.

@Roy What would your thinking and feeling be, if Coffeezilla started investigating Leo Gura and Actualized.org, and the suicide that happened here? How would your opinion change of him if he started making critique videos of Leo Gura, but made it a bit more of a rant? Calling him a scammer and crazy self-help life coach, and fake spiritual Guru?

What else is there to do but live? Death is not the end of life, you said yourself that you know that. In my opinion, if you end it with suicide now, you will traumatize yourself so much that it will be even more difficult in your next life. Try to accept and work with the situation you are in. There is no magic cure for those problems and we all struggle with them to some degree. Maybe try psychedelics or ketamine therapy if you're open to it. Take one breath at a time and relax into your body. If you try your best in every moment, the universe will take care of you. You could also keep a journal and do there what you did here. Just let it all out and slowly banish that negativity from your mind. Or do an art form like paint what you feel or whatever. This is something where you can really be yourself and it's not dangerous at all. Basically, you need to find a way to manage your emotions in order for your thoughts to be changed. Life can be very tough at times and it is much harder for some people than for others, but if you manage to survive these times and allow yourself to grow, you will become a very wise and compassionate being. Think of the people we look up to. Most of them have been in very difficult situations, but somehow they found a way to take control of their lives and that made them who they are. Other than that, they're nothing special so you or anyone else can do that too. Hopefully something of that resonates.

@at_anchor I feel you. They shouldnt have done this to you. They are not allowed to behave in this way. If you feel bitter, it nourishes them and they will comeback to hurt you again. This cycle will never end until you accept it. Maybe they will torture you anyways for years but accepting is the best thing you can do. Suicide is too risky and too complicated + much work involved. You can always escape financially.

I don't think you realise how severe and risky it really is. People in this community have committed suicide because of misunderstood teachings. Are you really willing to take responsibility for people's lives? It's also just plain rude to steal people from another platform to your own discord. You could argue you're acting very much in your own self-interest there, and putting people at risk while doing it.

I've been trying to get better for 10 years now and it doesn't work every time I find myself in a bubble of naivety for a few months or even years before it bursts and then I fall back into another one. Now I see the illusory side of it all, I see that using distractions like music, movies, drugs, women, sports are all useless and I'm still as bad as ever. Even spirituality doesn't attract me anymore, the realizations I've had scare me too much and I would have preferred not to know and stay unconscious but it's too late. I thought that doing street interviews and meeting thousands of people would help me to feel good with others and create bonds but no, I always feel paranoid when I do that, the feeling of being judged or not liked, the inability to open up to others and my body freezing up as soon as a girl I like shows interest in me. And anyway even when I'm with a girl I risk attracting a bad one and if I have a good one like my first one, I'll end up being left or cheated on because she'll see that I'm not loving myself and I'll be back to the same starting point. So using a woman as a distraction won't even help me, except to have the illusion of being happy for a few months. I don't know what to do, it's survival, I can't see myself working 8 hours a day and then on the weekends doing my shopping, cleaning and watching a screen. And even suicide is not a way out, if I could be sure that there is no more consciousness after physical death it would be liberating but unfortunately it is not the case. The only time I feel a little better is when I am myself but I can't stay that way because it's dangerous. When I am myself I often have unfiltered behaviors or cynical comments and if I persist towards that, I will not be able to thrive in this society because I will quickly have repercussions on my actions since there are too many rules and almost no freedom of expression. So I have to play the robot like everyone else and even doing that, I feel out of place or perceived as weird by others. I don't understand how we can have children in this human society, we are so backward I feel more and more disconnected from others, part of me sees them as animals, flesh, we are not worth more than an insect, nothing has value. When I see things for what they are, I have violent ideas and I drop the concepts of good and bad with which I was indoctrinated from childhood. All this indoctrination by religions, sciences, philosophies, marketing, hierarchy, politics makes me sick. I feel more and more like I'm stuck in a flesh body of a race I hate. A human race that I would like to see disappear, I don't want to experiment again what it is like to be a human on earth

It's better to accept than fight. God loves you Tyler. And that's the biggest truth I battled a lot of things in my life. Suicide, mental illness, medical issues, father's death, the loss of a pet, abusive relationships, childhood abuse and trauma, rape and sexual trauma. Despite all the suffering, a voice in me always wanted to live. Everyday.. When my father died, I promised him that no matter what, I will make it through. I'll remember that..... I'm so sick of this place. It always takes my energy two notches down. It's especially hard when some nagging conversation is going on on this forum I forgot. I can use the ignore option. Just ignore a bunch of nonsensical pussies and move on. I'm getting increasingly tired of this forum and not wanting to be here. I think I get it now. It's the toxic Masculine vibe of the forum that irks me.. I am used to seeing healthy forms of masculinity. I had a very hard working dad. I'm used to seeing men sweat it, not in the gym, but out in the fields, construction, mines. So when I see men arguing over a bunch of nonsense, it sends me in rage and triggers me. I don't like men who waste time, act like pussies, don't step up, play victim, aren't hard enough, aren't soft when it's required of them, play mind games, gaslight, manipulate too much, don't show moral integrity, show excessive attachment to religion or sky God, hate women, don't show passion, don't step in to help a woman but just watch, don't act assertive, don't take charge, take shit from a woman, engage in gossip, encourage bro culture, don't have lonewolf energy, can't handle things on their own, don't show anger in a healthy way, act too emotional when it's not called for. Nah..... That's not a man in my eyes. These things trigger me and get me angry at men who act like that. Abhorrent. This forum is definitely masculine, without doubt, but it's that insecure lame incel masculine, the type of masculine you can never admire. That's why it is triggering me so much because all my life I have always been appreciating and seeking healthy Masculinity I can never like or admire men who sit on the couch, play video games, watch porn all day, play shitty metal music, pump in the gym just for likes on FB, eat potato chips, smokes all day, complain about women, never have a vision in life That's a no.. I see these men as boys who never became men. I am not talking about building wealth. But it's nice to see a man having something to do with his life, making decent money, has his own space and dignity, doesn't get into fights, plays video games only in free time, has no alcohol/smoking addiction, works hard physically instead of going to gym and has a vision for the world, Something that he desires and wants. I'm going to kinda leave the forum today and just focus on journaling. I'm tired of the BS forum politics. I know I have said this many times but everytime I wake up I forget that I promised myself to leave the forum. I'm in a half sleepy state and unaware that I had said the same thing the previous day. The forum is too lame and toxic and my first step towards my own development should be to dissociate from the toxicity of this place. To get away from it and to not forget this that this is a lame ass place that serious people can never be too long in a place like this.. Everyone here is only for clout except a few serious journalers. Rest are bullshitters looking for a good time and they hate me because I don't give them that good time. Augurge