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Honestly I just see that I the depth i had is just gone. It is as if my mind has sealed me off from going deeper leaving me handicapped to day to day life. It is so strange because i see that my survival is switched off completely.I notice myself reading and listening to others allot just because this has worked for me before but now i see that this whole new expirience is really unexplainable to people, everyone is saying to me to just rest I might be depressed or something like that but I know for sure that's not it. The fear comes from "what if i can't solve this?". I am peaceful but I don't learn the same and i also don't do anything in the past month. I wonder if i should do a psychodelic trip. Maybe it could get me into a state of actual understanding how did this happen exactly. The suicide thoughts come from "yeah this is incredibly odd and i have never had anything similiar to it and anything i do doesn't seem to change it, might as well end it because if this countinues(the inability to get deeper into thinking and strategizing, inability to explain things , mainly it's my shit way of contributing to "the dream") I want to contribute but without thought how do you figure out anything? This just leaves me looking at a ticking bomb to which i just want to say yeah might as well let it blow now.

I had posted last month but it just got serious. My mom keeps having health complications, and is getting louder and more teary eyed, not in a good way. In the sense, that she is like- Parents have certain expectations of their children, and if you're going to keep me unhappy by not marrying, then I'll suffer and die, and if i get some health complication, I will not get myself treated and just die. Basically, threatening suicide in a non conventional sense. She's unwilling to listen to any other point of view. I'm 27 M. I get the feeling she's trying to control my life. And complains that I don't listen to her. While she herself is unwilling to listen to me. I'm trying to take responsibility here. Will moving out further sour our relationship? I also feel like she doesn't even acknowledge my stance on my own life. And keeps comparing me to what people normally do. I feel like she held me responsible for the emotionally torturious life she'll lead if i don't marry. It's crazy how some people try to control others as their own puppets. Like they don't even acknowledge, forget respecting the independence of another life. Any suggestions?

Why would you want suicide ?

Last month i had this huge realization that we all choose to play a character and we play it. It isn't even chosen we get what is around us from social conditioning and our parents. I became conscious of this but due to that realization I am half of a person now. I feel as though I've dropped my operating system which is hurting me because I can't do anything. And to be honest I don't even know how it happened. I was sitting in meditation and i just focused on the small dots that fade into other dots. I just focused on this everchanging field of view without thinking about anything and then i openned my eyes and all my stories about the world collapsed and now I struggle with normal day to day tasks like explaining an idea to somebody. I was so good at that. This has made me question if I really should countinue on this journey because in 2 years time I have to be living alone by myself and I can't even talk. I WAS SO FUCKING GOOD AT THAT. I've never gotten suicide thoughts but it's pretty often that happens in the last 3 weeks. I haven't meditated in that time thought it could ground me more but holly fuck it's still the same. When I try to sit and contemplate nothing comes to mind absolutely blank.

@julienw It was too dangerous, and too redundant. Also happened soon after a user here committed suicide using spiritual justifications, so that and most people misunderstanding and misinterpreting his video led to it getting taken down.

I think it has to with how our mind is wired. There are a lot of deep things that would make me happier then short term pleasure but my mind is addicted to that shit. And it’s just scary to renounce all earthy things. It’s like commiting suicide.

@Pudgey Okay so lets say I throw away good/evil. Why would my friend's mom have woken up with her religious document that she placed under her pillow, I think a prayer card, torn to shreds? Makes no sense. Or maybe it could have been any document and it would have been torn to shreds? Just weird. Why do exorcisms work? Exorcisms should absolutely not work if religion is bullshit. I haven't taken enough substances or high enough doses to experience those spirit realms in that way. I guess I see another thing. Like, without the potential of turning into a ghost or going to hell, suicide is so much more enticing to the suicidal person. I guess I see religion as a strong barrier to suicide and a strong promoter of love (if one uses it that way). I guess I just want to know why everyone is so keen on rejecting the exploration of religious ideas. Like why is it that we can explore say what a potato tastes like but exploring religious ideas is just absolutely off the table? Like there is something weird about that too. I guess I don't get why preternatural stuff plays games with us. Why is that? Is it just bored or what? What's its purpose? I guess I have had DMT but it was such a small amount. I saw geometric shapes and it was all 3D. I didn't see any entities.

Also, in the non-dual paradigm, if one dies, they may think that their live is over and that is it. In the Jesus paradigm, when one dies, they could become a ghost or go on to Heaven/Hell. I think the Jesus paradigm makes it harder for one to commit suicide because of the ghost/Hell possibility whereas if one thinks it will just be over, they may be more likely to do it. One may be more attuned to being loving in the Jesus paradigm, with the awareness of evil existing and therefore a better eye to tell the difference between love and evil. In the non-dual paradigm, all distinctions are kinda randomly made based on whatever you want and what is relative to you and one may have a problem with being as loving (or having that as a priority) but could still do it (because there could be so many things to choose from to prioritize). Both paradigms may be open to vast curiosity and exploration but the Jesus one may focus more heavily on love whereas the non-dual one may focus more heavily on imagination.

Hello everyone in the actualized.org community I want to talk about the events that is happening right now in my country in Iran and be the voice of my people and bring about some awareness on this issue to the world and this actualized.org community for this could help my country and my people maybe I don't know but I just have to do it These days in Iran the government is killing it's people very brutally and doesn't eve bother to take the responsibility of killing even one person and everyone that they kill they would create a bullshit backup story about them committing suicide or some other bullshit to clean their hands and it's funny that some idiots in the same country believe these bullshit stories from the government they are basically slaves of the dictator government and believe whatever the government is telling them Although these slave believers are less than the protestors and the young generation of people who are being killed for protesting against the government but still there are some of them still in Iran who believe blindly whatever the dictator government is feeding their stupid minds and some of them also participate in killing the protestors for the government Our people are protesting for their basic rights as human beings for choosing what to wear themselves not the government telling them what they should be wearing and making a law out of it and even having a morality police to demand the women to wear as they say they should I mean this is preposterous in the 21st century and in this world that we're living today for this idiot religious dictators to tell everybody to do as they say they should do and if not then kill them I mean it's absolutely ridiculous we were living under this absurd religious since we were born but they're now killing everybody who opposes them and this can't go on like this I'm not even mentioning the big big economical problems that Iran is facing with the crazy inflation rate that's making living in this country so fucking difficult for all of our people I hope this brings about some awareness to the world I really hope I can be of some help even if it's very very little to my people Thank you for your time Peace✌?❤️

Beautiful list But every time I read God-Realization epiphanies like that, I think of rape, torture, mental dispair, suicide, dying a long and painful death, etc. These things should be part of absolute goodness too. If so, is it impossible to get god-realized, if you have an aversion to these painful things?

This is a concerning and complicated issue. There are several factors which indirectly link to gun violence. One important factor is brain damage. Some people want to shoot up a school because of this. When their brain damage is healed, they lose the desire to shoot dozens of children. Brain damage can be caused by the food we eat. A lot of the foods we eat do not the EPA and FDA safety guidelines because there is too much money on the line for massive food and water corporations and they can get away with it. Baby food can cause brain damage when linked with arsenic and lead. To make matters worse, the safety guidelines are severely outdated because there are carcinogens in Europe that are outlawed, but still legal I America. America is giving its citizens brain damage out of corporate greed and poor science in heavy metals. Maybe depression is a factor. When people feel they have nothing to live for they usually kill themselves, but sometimes they externalize these suicidal tendencies and take it out on others. Helping people to find meaning in their lives might prevent them from doing these horrible things. Of course there are many other factors in depression, but psychedelics are useful in curing depression. A lot fewer people would act in these ways if they were more loving and compassionate. Maybe psychedelics are so life transforming that it could prevent someone from becoming a school shooter. Another suggestion I have is online courses. Although not everybody has to take online courses, it can reduce the classroom sizes and disperse the target. The reason people attack schools is because there are a lot of people. If some students are better learners online rather than in a classroom because of abnormal social behaviors for instance, then fewer people would die in school shootings. Likewise, increasing the quantity of public schools would help classrooms to be less crowded. Instead of having 30 kids, they could have 20 or 10 kids. This would make evacuation during any emergency more efficient and fewer kids would die. Economic inequity often makes people give up on life. It could be student loans, stagnating wages, expensive medical care, unable to afford a house, a miserable dead end job, and many other factors. A lot of limiting beliefs come from money and a lot of society's problems could be solved through the combination of education and equalizing income and creating material abundance. Raising the age for owning firearms has been discussed recently. Background checks for people under 21 are important because their brains are less developed and it might make them more impulsive to the point of committing suicide or worse be a mass shooter. Alcoholism and other drug addictions can cause brain damage. Treating drug addicts rather than punishing then can solve a lot of behavioral problems. Most of the people who shoot up schools are crazy people with brain damage. If so many Americans are drug addicts, then no wonder they act insane. Maybe the ibogaine treatment can help alcohol and heroin addicts. Psychedelics also have anti addictive properties and legalizing them could help make the drugs less profitable for drug trafficking. For example, marijuana is smuggled across the border because it is easy to grow in Mexico and drug traffickers become less optimistic about their actions when it is legalized in America, giving doctors more control over the drug. It could work for other drugs as well. This also solves the issue of border security by the way. I'm sure there are many other solutions to gun violence other than these suggestions, but this is a few of them. By the way, there is a lot of talk about banning ar-15s. This could make the issue worse because there are less popular guns which are actually more powerful. If these guns become more popular than more people would die, not to mention how many guns are purchased illegally.

Interesting story from a guy, called Cornelius Christopher who was suicidal and eventually became awakened instead. He experienced a phenomenon physicists call a quantum superposition meaning two or more conflicted states / alternative realities existing at the exact same time and in the same space. There he observed his suicide from the past, present, and future, including the now moment. He discovered that there is no such thing as death as we know it when we physically die; only consciousness exists before it collapses into one of those realities. In his autobiography, Cornelius describes he had received many extraordinary gifts, including pure consciousness where he has no inner voice, chatter and no ego. he experiences pure silence all the time with no self-doubt and or ability to judge.

I think you shouldn't commit suicide, you have to keep trying. But having said that, I think that not committing suicide in case this has consequences in reincarnations, is a meaningless story. If you kill yourself, it's because you were here to kill yourself. but since we are here, let's accept the challenge. the challenge is to be present and absolutely happy in a hospital with terminal cancer, in a nursing home, in a Nazi death camp. Let's try to play the game, it is exciting and it is possible to finish it successfully, and if it doesn't happen, we are trying. Suicide is cowardly. you have to keep playing. But if you're not going to play and you're going to be complaining, it seems better to opt for suicide

Yes. Before you drink water, you think. It's interfaced with basically all your actions. The quality and efficiency of a lot of your actions are linked to how you think. Someone who thinks that suicide bombing is gonna send him into heaven is gonna go do that. Thinking is serious stuff.

Contemplating death and suicide with curiosity can actually be incredibly life transforming/affirming... Pros could be: You would then know what it was like to experience death (though you are also able to have this experience while alive, so killing yourself is unnecessary) The past would be gone, there would be no need to worry about the future, you would be elevated of all caring, for there would be no you to care. Your family, friends, all ideas of the world, ideas of Karma or Jesus, who you are, all attachments... gone. Taking off the identity (ego) you are manufacturing/maintaining. You can reach/practice this state while "alive" (if you so choose to lable yourself as such) so again suicide is unnessesary.... (Death)..." slices through every lie, ridicules every belief, mocks every vanity and reduces ego to absurdity. He is sitting with you right now. If you want to know something, ask him. Death doesn't lie." -Jed McKenna Also maybe you aren't afraid of dying, but are terrified to actually LIVE. Life works in mysterious ways, you never know what's going to happen, who you'll meet, what serendipity will come your way... The curiosity keeps me here. "Good", "bad" whatever you want to lable this moment, and even though it may be absolutely meaningless... holy cow, it's a fucking miracle. Great entertainment for conciousness. Sending you all the love and the biggest hug. Take care

@Jake Chambers Hey I was just reflecting on your question and personally, I think that people can actually become attached and addicted to fame and the feelings fame evokes in them once they experience it. I think we could also consider that perhaps Kanye was a totally different person before he acquired his fame. He could've behaved much differently then. He could've been the sweetest, most humble, quiet, & selfless guy you'd ever meet and it was the fame itself that messed him up and altered his behavior and his attitude. Fame does change a person. And I think it can quite drastically. So to answer your question, his narcissistic personality traits could be inherited, I don't know his personal genetic background, but they could also be developed and learned. And achieving fame is one of the easiest and fastest ways to mold & shape a personality into one which is more egocentric, superficial, & vain. (It's like a trap and it can become very miserable and crippling for some celebrities/artists who are more spiritually/emotionally aware and in tune, who are wanting more in life than to have eyes all over them.) Once a person receives such extreme levels of admiration and attention, this can act like a drug, and some can actually become addicted which can heighten their greed and also paradoxically, increase their lack of satisfaction & true sense of fulfillment in life. This is why we see fame driving many individuals to sickness, and to disturbing degrees of self-destruction, including suicide. This proves that not even living like kings & queens or honorary heroes/idols can ensure happiness, positive well-being, and sense of fulfillment & life satisfaction.

I need to get some thoughts and feelings off my chest. Recently I've been regularly having suicidal thoughts. They are not serious and I'm not planning anything but I'm just so tired. Why does everything have to be so difficult? By that I mean, I feel like my mind is constantly working to my detriment. I'm so fucking done with this shit. Sometimes I really see no way out. Today during a walk I sat on a bench and the moment I became a bit more conscious and looked at my thoughts and emotional state I just cried. "How can I be doing this to myself...?" You might notice that I cry pretty often. Yes, that is the case. Sometimes I cry from sadness, from powerlessness, from overwhelm. Other times I cry tears of joy and love. I'm pretty emotional. I feel like a rollercoaster, I can't find stability. Emotions are one of my favourite things in life but too often I just can't deal with them well. I mean I'm blocking myself from feeling so often. This especially happens when I'm at my lowest, like right now. Two weeks ago I realized Aloneness, Love for the first time. I also engaged in a dialogue with God. Two weeks later - I managed to almost completely numb myself and kill this voice inside me. By this I mean that I cut myself off - God is of course still there, probably waiting with pure love and acceptance. But I'm too afraid to leave the dark. SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS NORMAL. For fucks sake. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE AREN'T INTERESTED IN THIS SHIT! Fucking good for them! Their minds are doing a great job of protecting them and they seem to be cooperating unlike me and myself! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This God damn awakening bullshit. FUCK! I hate that everything has to be so difficult. I fucking HATE IT! I can't change for shit! Can't motivate myself to work hard, can't motivate myself to catch up on studying which I've neglected, can't muster up the strength to quit my numbing and destructive habits. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this. I hate this. I hate this! Why, God? You fucking asshole... Maybe You can accept anything, but I can't. Dialogue with God my ass. Deluded idiot. That's exactly what I do. It's freeing to know that I do have the choice to commit suicide if I want. There is always an escape hatch. Of course it's gonna take much before I use it but like... ultimately nothing matters. I can do whatever I want. God (AKA me) will completely understand. Today I thought about it and when a person feels completely powerless and broken, the decision to commit suicide is actually an act of courage, a regaining of the power. Not that I'm that person but still. It takes true courage to kill yourself, really. It's almost admirable. Note: don't take my ramblings about suicide seriously. And don't do it. Even though there's nothing wrong with it, it's still not the right choice. Ehh. Really tho, don't take this seriously. I'm still gonna post it cuz I wanna vent but like REALLY. Don't kill yourself. Another thing I've been thinking about recently: you know what's scarier than the thought of death? The thought of living for infinity. And the horrors you'll gonna go through. To me that's scarier. I feel like it's my duty to accept that. It's part of my spiritual journey. Being willing to live through anything... man. I salute to those who are. Ehhhhh. There is much sadness and anger in me. And I feel like I'm at my lowest. I smile at the idea of a better tomorrow. I think of all the people that sigh with tiredness but still work towards that thing they want or look forward towards that brighter future. Humans with their visions, aspirations and desires. It's inspiring and pitiful at the same time. Little finite children. Goes without saying that I too am this little foolish child. ... Well. I hope better things are on their way.

This is for anyone nearing rock bottom, coming from someone who has been there. Let's start with why you think that suicide is a valid option. If you are like me, you are just fed up with life. Nothing ever really makes sense, everything seems to be going wrong, and there seems to be no reason to keep living in this nightmare. Why on earth would "God" put us here just to suffer? There probably isn't even a God or anything else out there. How could there be one when the world seems so bleak and pointless? So you think, why not just end this life? Why not just take what others may consider to be the easy way out, even though it is actually the hardest decision you have ever faced in your life. Why not put an end to all this never-ending pain and suffering, why not take my poor heart out of its misery? Because you know deep down that won't end the pain and suffering, it will just create more. Maybe not for you, if you succeed in leaving this planet. And that’s a big if - but we will get back to that point. Let's start with the suffering that your voluntary end will bring to others. For me, it started with thinking about the puppy I had. If I were to finish the bottle of pills in my hand, who would care for him? How long would it take someone to even find me? Would he survive until then? My parents had enough going on, they wouldn't be able to take care of him. My parents…this would break my mother's heart…my siblings, they are too young to handle this…. So start by thinking about friends, family, pets, co-workers, teachers, therapists, your favorite barista, literally any being that may be impacted by your death. That should be enough to at least make you second-guess yourself. What if you think that there isn't a single person out there that will care if you are gone? What if you think that nobody would notice, or even that the world would be better off without you? What if you are all alone? Then you will be the one to suffer the most. You're telling me that you have made it this far all on your own? If so, that is amazing. It is amazing that you have managed to survive in this world without anyone having your back. It is amazing that you have been able to survive this long. This means that you are strong, even if you haven't realized your own strength. Your mind and body have been through so much just to get you to this point. And you are going to repay it by "putting it out of its misery"? If it was truly in misery and unable to carry on, your heart would have already stopped. The fact that your heart is still beating means that your body is still fighting for survival. It is your mind that has given up, it is your mind that you are trying to put out of its misery. You are tired of all the negative thoughts. Negative thoughts about the past, negative thoughts about the future. But realize that they are only thoughts. And the notion that suicide will end suffering is also just another thought. Do you know that for sure? Do you know that killing yourself will kill your soul, your entire being, and take away all of the suffering? Are you sure you won't be reincarnated, sent to hell, or something else? How do you know? You don't. Not if you are being honest with yourself. You just believe it will. Belief is a powerful thing. It is belief that got you in this predicament in the first place. Your belief that life isn't worth living, that things will not get better, and that suicide is the way to resolve your situation. It is all belief. To put it in a way that you don't want to hear: it is all in your head. Man, had someone told me it was all in my head, I would have had some unkind words to send their way. What do they mean it's all in my head? Do they think that I am just making up all of this very real pain and suffering? Yes. Because whether you like it or not, you are. Thoughts are a powerful thing, they shape our entire reality. Everything you've ever experienced has been registered as a thought. So when these thoughts tell you that your life sucks, it truly seems like it does. And no one will ever be able to convince you otherwise. No one can force you to change your mind. That is something that you must do yourself. So I am not here to change your mind, because I can't. All I can do is tell you how I changed mine, and perhaps encourage you to try doing the same. I started by coming to terms with the fact that all of the suffering in my life was caused by me. I took 100% responsibility for the choices that led me to this point in my life. No more blaming the boyfriend with the anger issues, I decided to date him in the first place. No more blaming the back-stabbing friends, I chose to associate with them in the first place. No more blaming the president for trying to deport me, I chose to stay in this country. No more blaming the guy that tried forcing himself on me, I agreed to go out with him. No more blaming my parents for not being loving enough, I chose to associate my self-worth with their praise and attention. No more blaming anything or anyone, because every bad situation I have been in has been co-created by me. Even though I am responsible for all of this, I don't blame myself. I'm only human, I'm bound to make mistakes. I must forgive myself and learn from my mistakes. It has taken years to forgive myself, mostly because I didn't realize how much I was still blaming myself for my attempt. It has been a secret I have carried for way too long. I'm done being ashamed about it. I may not have much control over what life throws my way, but I have full control over how I react. It has taken a while for me to regain control over my emotions, and I still struggle with them when things don't go as expected. But I am working on taming them. Not by whipping them into place, but by acknowledging them, forgiving them, and learning from them. I don't neglect my feelings or pretend that they aren’t there. Instead, I realize when they arise, and I ask myself why. Why I am upset, frustrated, sad, annoyed, etc.? I find what is stressing me out and making me reactive, then I evaluate if it is worth being upset over. It is usually not. So then I let it go. This notion of letting things go is what has truly saved me. If you'd like to know more about it, Buddhism does a great job of explaining it. I have no way of truly doing it justice, so I recommend finding books or YouTube videos on it, there are dozens out there. So I take a deep breath, fill my lungs and body with all the negative feelings, and then slowly breathe them all out. I let the negativity leave my body without judging it. I'm not upset at myself for being emotional, it's just part of who I am. I just redirect my emotions. I have chosen to stop thinking bad things about the future and to let the past go. Whether something happened 15 years ago or 15 minutes ago, it is in the past and I won't dwell on it. As far as the future goes, I am not psychic. Whenever I have planned for bad situations in my head, they never have occurred. Life is too unpredictable, I have no idea what tomorrow will hold. So why waste the present moment living in what has already passed, or on what will probably never happen? This is another thing Buddhism has greatly explained, the power of living in the present moment. Of being mindful of what is happening right now, giving this moment all of your attention. Don't live in the past, don't live in the future, live in the now. In addition to no more negative thinking, I have also chosen to focus on the good things. When someone asks me how my day was, I won’t complain even if it wasn't that great. Instead, I share with them something good. Maybe it was a pretty tree I saw this morning, a funny comment someone made, or just something that made me smile. Sounds cheesy and way too optimistic, but you have to fake it till you make it. Try talking positively about things, and eventually, you'll start thinking positively as well. Keep a journal where you write things that make your day a little better, and you'll start to notice those things more often. Chose to focus on the good things life has to offer. Especially the little things, like how the sun feels on your skin, or a nice breeze on a hot day. When something seemingly bad seems to happen, challenge yourself to see it as something good. Theorize about ways in which the situation isn't as bad as it seems. After all, whether a situation is good or bad is up to you. It is all relative, and who knows how it will play out. If you have read this far, that means there is still hope for you. It means you are looking for a sign not to follow through with your plan. Consider this to be that sign. I'll leave you with this: https://www.birchcove.co/insights/good-bad-who-knows You might think the future isn't great, but who knows? Stick around long enough to find out. Edit: in case you're curious about Buddhism, here is one of my favorite talks

My story: My spiritual journey began at the age of 20 when I had a 3 month episode of severe mental illness. Every moment was a struggle. I tried therapy and medication. In the brink of utter hopelessness I had a monumental epiphany which revealed the existence of the spiritual path, meditation, consciousness, and the hope for a better future. I spent the next 6 years on a spiritual mission. I became deeply engrossed in the spiritual process. Hours of meditation, solo retreats, psychedelics, classic personal development, etc. I was on a completely different plane of existence as everyone else and I was happy as ever. I was making rapid progress. I went to Costa Rica and met an enlightened shaman who told me I was one of 10,000 people who would awaken the world. Of course this fed my ego a bit but also gave me a sense of purpose to stay on the path. I never forgot the episode of mental illness I had that started this whole thing. I come from a family history of bipolar and clinical depression. I have no doubt that I have one these. But it seemed as though somehow I was funneling that vulnerability into massive spiritual progress. I would go through my mind and try to think of situations that could possibly trigger me back down and I couldn’t. I had multiple awakenings and deeply fulfilling experiences. I felt like I was living a blessed life. By the end of those 6 years I felt like I truly had detached from everything. But I was wrong. In the spring this year I received an offer for a dream job. Let me start off by saying that my career as an Engineer was never my passion. It has always been a means to an end. However, I learned to enjoy most aspects of it. I saw a job as a necessary minor evil that I had to work around just like everyone else. I was at peace with that. I got a rare offer for a stress free job with the DOT, one that would give me lots of flexibility, freedom, meeting new people, working from home, etc.. it was basically a stress free job that could allow me to focus more on other things and maintain a healthy balanced life. Concurrently, my current company was in the midst of placing me on a new project, another supposedly good opportunity. This one involved being able to work on my own. There was less flexibility and I couldn’t work from home, but I believed this would make me more disciplined. My intuition told me to go with the first opportunity even though I believed it might make me “lazy” or have less “spiritual progress.” I put in my 2 week and felt an excitement that put me on top of the world. I should have stuck with that intuition. But instead I quit the new job a week in and went back to my old job. I made a knee jerk reaction. I realized later that any new job, no matter how good it is, won’t be exactly how you imagine it to be, especially at first. I had made a mistake I couldn’t reverse. It took about two days before I became conscious of my mistake. It hit me like a ton of bricks and then a continuous descent down a cliff. I became flooded with a hellish state of dread and regret. For weeks I fought moment after moment to be present. I kept telling myself that there was a reason for this pain, that in order to fulfill my destiny of awakening the world, I needed to get through this. During those times I had beautiful awakening experiences. But mostly it was hell. When it was time to go back to my old job, I continued to stay as present as possible. Fortunately, they didn’t have much for me to do at first, so I sat in my car and continued the fight. When it was time to do tasks I still stayed present. But life happened. Eventually I got emotionally crushed because it was impossible for me to simultaneously handle all the negative emotions and life itself. I started taking an anti depressant called Zoloft. It went against all my spiritual beliefs, but at that point nothing mattered. The medication takes about 3 weeks to start working. In the meantime I continued to cycle between extreme low and high consciousness states. It all pinnacled in multiple near suicide attempts. When my parents saw the rope burn around my neck they called my psychiatrist who ordered me to go to the hospital. There’s a lot I could say about my 3 weeks in a mental hospital. I’ll start with the cons. I had to eat garbage food. Institutional food. Little to know greens. Just what you’d expect. I had little to no outdoor time. Fifteen minutes a day inside a cage. That’s all I got. Now here’s the pros. There’s a lot of camaraderie. Everyone there is struggling through something and it really helps to have that sense of constant social connection. It’s like being back in college. There’s also doctors and therapists who come around and ask how your doing, which is nourishing. All in all, I think there’s a lot we can do to improve our mental hospitals. I think we could save a lot of people who would otherwise be crushed. There were people there with high potential if they were only supported properly. While I was in there they put me on another medication. It was an anti psychotic called Olanzapine. This drug is very powerful. It essentially rid me of my overwhelming negative emotions. My mind finally had a sense of control. I’m very grateful for it because it has probably saved my life. It’s also very humbling to admit I need these drugs, but I’ve come to realize what they are: tools. Some people say anti depressants and anti psychotics are like taking insulin. The difference is you can’t consciously control your insulin levels, but you can learn to consciously control your mind. Except when you can’t. Because maybe your mind is running way out of control. That’s when these meds can be of great value. With the help of the meds and the social connection, I left the hospital in a better place. I’ve come to realize where I’m at right now. I know that I have a lot of inner work to do before I can even think about go off the meds, doing psychedelics, retreats, fasting, solitude, or any of the things that I used to be able to do. I’m gonna keep going because what else is there to do. I hope to one day look back and be grateful for this time in my life. I have since taken a step back from watching Leo’s content because it makes me sad. But hopefully one day I can get back there too. I believe there is a reason and an unfolding, to be revealed to those who never give up. Please feel free to post any thoughts or questions.

i mean honestly I dont blame you man, we play these games and to what end, you make up the rules but the apparent ego is powerless, and then we are supposed to enjoy it, i mean dont get me wrong there is a beautiful balance to life, but doesnt mean i have to/like/love all the terrible shit and the only way out is a psychedelic? or meditating for a bagillion hours? or a horrificly painful suicide, seems like im a shit designer.

Not bad, I see some of your points. I agree with Leo's personality being kind of rough around the edges and it has not improved. Even I have worked on my own personality over the years and don't see him doing this, in fact - I find it odd as I grow, I seem to soften up a bit, or at least am making the effort to because my awakenings have lead me to the conclusion that moving energy "up" is a worthwhile thing - for myself and others and so I feel more mindful about negativity. I think it will take one to two years to fully embody, but I have noticed my aggression, my need to be right, to argue has been going down as I move closer to what I consider to be my "death", I want to be emotionally decent before I go. When you look death in the face, you realize how unimportant some things are and what you miss out on - things like this. When I see Leo's arrogance, this tells me he has not really faced these things, as when you do - it softens you. You realize that you're not some "super special gift" to the world or that people need to be a certain way, or even that the world needs to be a certain way - but that everything unravels for a reason... I guess... even me writing then, the onus on me is to accept all of it completely... but I feel like I could get through somehow. Leo, sometimes your attitude is really off the mark, when it comes to empathy and understanding people and relating to them. Like, your image on your instagram of some woman's fluids on your jeans... just... why? You know? You tout yourself as a high quality guy but you're doing weird stuff like this, you sometimes treat your forum audience with what almost feels to be contempt at times. Another thing is that you have these awakenings, and these are things that I started off with - much of them, and have been holding onto in the face of being told they are wrong, only to see other people come to similar conclusions. Like... these people follow you and their mainstream spirituality like... mindlessly. A lot really do, and it is unsettling because then they take their ignorance and try to mold my own work into it and I can guarantee that a lot of people have not gone as deep in certain subsets of this than I have. And then you come out with some flippant new awakening and suddenly everyone is now "open" to this. It just makes me realize how you really have to hold on tightly to your internal compass with these things, because even so called truth seekers will try to corrupt it if they can. As far as mental illness goes - there is a lot of ablism on this forum. In spirituality in general, so I don't agree with your sentiments there. The fact is a lot of people have mental illness. If you don't have it you won't understand how linked the two are. Like peanut butter and jelly. I feel protective for people who struggle with their mental health, as someone who is afflicted as well, and I don't think someone should be removed just for being different. If it is clear that they struggle with something and are actively showing symptoms, reaching out to them could be of benefit but "culling" members based on something they have no control over isn't right. People with mental issues should be protected and loved. I also feel odd about Leo's newfound discovery of "insanity" because I don't think just one night in the trenches really can give you an accurate understanding of what it is like to not be neurotypical. I think - he just needs to take more care - perhaps of himself first... A good rule of thumb is that if you're doing your practice right - no matter which road you take, it should be leading you towards resolution, completion within yourself, acceptance, and Love - and these are things that should ideally be able to replicate in the real world. Not just talk about them, but make those active changes to the personality. My instincts tell me that something is not right. Something feels manic... or not fully digested. All over the place. I have a good eye for that stuff. He'll fluff it off, but I think that maybe humility might be his best bet. Be humble enough to reach out if you get stuck. Be humble enough to know that in the grand scheme of things, you're one in billions. I work with strong energies and learn a lot about the spiritual planes - authentically - and this is due to not allowing my ego to get in the way. I know my place, so to speak. I have a job to do, I am not some special person. It's just like being a plumber or an electrician. When you take this route into spirituality, this will keep you level. You can also get shut out of some very miraculous experiences if you are prideful. There are things within our reality that require selflessness to access, and if you get too hot headed, you'll just be removed from it completely. I would like to see him finally meet a genuine spirit from the other side. Not one that he turns into himself, but something with its own agency that comes to him with its brand of knowledge. He would see how little control a human has over things, and that it isn't him who is a teacher of the ages, but the shamans who get their information directly from these true teachers that have lucked out. A spirit, an entity, can really get into the psychology and soul of a human being - it knows just what to say, what to show you, when and where and why - and it will unravel for you in a way that is tailored to your unique psychology. A teacher - much less a human - can't do this. But most people are shut out from this as they are told such things don't even exist. Now that I have gotten a critique out of the way, I must say - I love Leo. I want him to be the best person that he can be and I don't write this with any ill will or malice or anything like that. It's just that if some of your high level awakenings are literally the very first thing that I encountered. If you get into paranormal things, into anything in such a way, you need to make sure you are as humble as you can be. If you are working with beings, they will move you away from arrogance and suicide and into love and self acceptance. If you're moving in the opposite direction, I would look into why this is happening. Maybe try reaching out to see if you can find yourself a spirit guide on the other side?

A Critique Of Actualized.org And Leo Gura The intention of this critique is to make people aware of some of Leo’s limitations. It might save people time and unnecessary suffering. It is not meant to invalidate or insult Actualized.org or Leo. I think Leo is a great teacher in many ways, this is just healthy criticism. Please take it lightly. Since Leo likes to criticize everyone else, I thought why not do it to him this time. It’s worth mentioning that I’ve personally never taken any psychedelics and I don’t consider myself some advanced spiritual person either. Some might consider this critique incomplete - which is fair. I have been watching Leo and other teachers for a long time. Nevertheless, I think it can still be helpful for people to read this. If anything, it can be an exercise in open-mindedness. It’s important to note that I will only be critiquing Leo on his more core and central teaching. So don’t expect much on minutia like his dating advice or politics. Although these thing can be important to some people, and you are free to level your own critiques on him, small or big, below this post, I personally won’t be focusing much on this. So sit back and let’s being… Freedom from understanding This one is a little confusing and long but the most important. Stick with me please. Basically, Leo takes psychedelics and shares his findings on YouTube. Why am I telling you this? I am telling you this because there are things he doesn’t explicitly tell you: What Leo does is pursuit of understanding. It is an endless process. There is no end to it. You can keep on accumulating new experiences and making your understanding better and better. Understanding is a limited process rooted in the ego-mind. So during his psychedelic trip he has an experience of God. We can say he is in a higher state of consciousness. Once it is over, he comes back to his normal state of consciousness. The experience is stored in the form of memory which gets interpreted and communicated by the ego-mind. The memory isn’t reliable because it can’t be stored. Understanding is a limited thing, whereas Truth is unlimited it can’t be bound to such things. So here’s what you need to know: Most people don’t need to do what Leo does. Leo is like a scientist. It’s his profession and passion to have new experiences and create new mental models. This pays his bills. Truth is beyond understanding. Truth is something living, it doesn’t come from a memory of a trip. Understanding (and experience) is only needed to answer a few basic questions, beyond it you don’t need it. Questions like, “Who am I?”, “What is thought?”, “What is the limitation of thought?” Basically to quiet the mind and satisfy your curiosity. To become free from this as well. The point of spirituality is freedom, but people get stuck in this cycle of accumulating experiences and gathering knowledge. They never become free from understanding itself. You have to use your understanding to get free from understanding. Getting more understanding will not change you. Your personality will remain the same. Your habits and patterns will remain the same. Your base level of consciousness will remain the same. You will remain an idiot. (If anything too many fixed ideas you got from your trips might make your ego swell and make it hard for you to look at life afresh.) You might regret wasting this time on understanding. It’s endless. It’s the same as exploring the physical world. You can keep exploring it deeper and deeper and arrive at new conclusions each time. Your time might be better spent on any number of things. It’s important to tell you that it will not get rid of suffering either, in case that’s why you are following Leo. It’s important to tell you this because people have attached unrealistic expectations about this. If you’re an average person with a job and a career, you don’t need to do this. In fact this might not even be spirituality for you, it’s like a weird game of documenting peak experiences. He might say he made this clear to people, but I say he doesn't explicitly tell you this. Most people don't need this and they don't know they don't need it, they are lost and Leo doesn't help them out. Lack of balance Leo likes to talk about balance, but how balanced is his spirituality? How balanced is his self-help? It is overly intellectual (as he himself admits). All he’s trying to do is get peak spiritual experiences. He has completely neglected raising his base level of consciousness. As far as you know he is not doing anything to raise it. He inspires others to do the same. Arrogance, ego and the forum If you had asked me about Leo’s ego a year ago, I would have ignored it as minutia, but now I increasingly feel it is becoming a problem. After an awakening his ego becomes inflated for several weeks. Every time he gets an awakening you can bet it will be like this. You know something other people don’t. So what? What’s the big deal? What’s there to be proud about? You don’t even know it after the trip. I don’t see the point of inflating your ego. Trap of solipsism “But it’s not ego, he’s trying to communicate solipsism. That’s why he says he is the best and the only one awakened.” No, no. If he was he wouldn’t say it like that. It would be a matter of fact statement. Anybody with some awareness can tell that what he is saying coming from ego. He thinks there’s no one he can learn from. There can be no characters in the dream more knowledgeable and aware as him. Yet he continues to be in the dream. He thinks he is the most advanced, not because of solipsism, he actually thinks that. (For anyone that thinks otherwise, you can simply use the search function and look what he said in the past.) (I'm not saying solipsism is not true.) It’s a one way conversation with him. There’s nothing you can say to him that will get through to him. There’s really no point talking to him anymore. It’s a misapplication of solipsism. “He’s just being authentic.” Being authentic doesn’t mean doing whatever comes to your mind. “I feel like murdering someone, so I will murder someone.” That’s not authentic. Again, I think it comes under a trap of solipsism. “The other teachers are not as good” He doesn’t know about other teachers’ methods. Leo doesn’t know about all these things, he has never learned from an actual Yogi, Tantric, or a Buddhist monk from the places these traditions originate from. He has never gone too deep into this. He’s not qualified to talk about it. He doesn’t know about devotion, about chakras, energy, and many other things. It might be because he has an autoimmune disorder which prevents him from exploring other methods fully. That’s why he likes psychedelics so much. They’re quick and easy. “Buddhism will never get you there.” Sadhguru said Buddhism is a long, drawn out process. He said Buddhist masters tell you it will take you 12 life times of sadhana to become enlightened. Buddhism in the east, the actual Buddhism, makes it clear. It doesn’t give you false expectations. "But re-incarnation and all that isn't real." Just like everything else. The walls in your house, your ego-mind, your body, and your psychedelics. How do you know it's not as real as radio waves? "But these teachers are genetic freaks! We can't be like them." So it just didn't occur to these genetic freaks that other people can never advance spiritually like them. These supposedly genetic freaks who are juggernauts of awareness, just didn't realize other people are not like them. It slipped their attention. Obviously if these people are so aware they know what they are doing and what others are capable of. I've seen videos and testimonies of people who go to these people. People's lives have changed for the better. Obviously not all the people who benefit make a YouTube channel and say exactly the same things Leo says. People are private. Being offensive and outrageous I am embarrassed to share that I watch actualized.org with anybody. With post titles like, brains don’t exists and pedophilia is love. I’m sure I’m not the only one. Leo has no regard for how others might perceive his loyal followers when he does things like this. It’s coming from ego. The way he’s going about saying it is dumb. You don’t need to do all this to make your point. It’s unappealing, that’s why people move away from you and he feels they are moving away because they don’t understand his point. “Look at this video of a murder taking place. This is love guys! Look at this! Why are you going away? Surely you’re not as awake as me! I’m the most awakened person on the planet!” Future I think in the future, it is possible, Leo will eventually develop occult powers with the use of psychedelics. And his ego will be even more inflated. It will become even more ugly. This is all a consequence of not neglecting his base level of consciousness. Forum The forum is not a great place. Partly because Leo himself sets the precedence on how to communicate here and he himself breaks his own rules and name calls people. Even when he’s not name calling you directly, that’s what he’s trying to do indirectly. He’s so snarky too. Other than that he’s doing some version of “everything is a dream”, “this is just a figment of your dream.” “It’s the internet” No. They look at Leo’s writing style and get inspired. The quality of the forum is quite low. Some members with mental illnesses should’ve been reached out and told to take care of themselves before posting again. There are posts which are quite low, like “why I hate men/women” or some other thing like that. Some members should’ve been kicked out a long time ago but Leo seemed to have a soft-corner for them. There are people who have shown no progress (or even regression) and have been on the forum for a long time. For e.g, take Nahm’s example. He should’ve been stopped a long time ago. I come on the forum occasionally and even I noticed he was misleading members on the forum whether he meant to do it or not. And I have seen long term members being lost and no one corrects them. This is important ‘cause there have been incidents of suicide and people ending up in mental hospitals among Leo’s audience. It’s not far fetched to call what he does irresponsible. Better self-help teachers In a sense you can’t even call what Leo does self help anymore. Over the years, he has become more interested in sharing his awakening from his trips than actually understanding his audience’s problems and solving them. 90% of the time he’s just describing his awakening and it’s not of much use because you cannot get to that point by just listening to him. Just do the psychedelics in the way Leo say, there’s no point listening to him except for entertainment. I think, there are better more balanced self-help teachers out there. Those who don’t focus on journalling and intellectualizing too much. Intellectualizing is the number one trap today, people just sit and home and try to think through their problems instead of taking action. So that’s why I think it’s a big limitation of Leo. There is Sandeep Maheshwari for example who has a good balance of self-help and spirituality. His content is not in English however. And for what we know Leo is not a very productive person either. His life might be worse than most people’s for what we knew (partially because of his autoimmune disease). I don’t he’s the ideal person to teach a balanced self-help. For e.g. take the difference between Sadhguru and Leo on concentration. Concentration is one of the most important things you need to become successful spiritually and materially. Leo has a video on concentration titled: Concentration vs Meditation - How To Develop Concentration. I’m sure everyone has seen it multiple times so I won’t talk about it. Now look at what Sadhguru says about concentration: he says don’t try to concentrate. Trying to concentrate is torture and you won’t be able to sustain it. Instead be involved in whatever you are doing and focus will naturally come. Not attached, not detached, but involved. Like you are involved while playing a sport. To meditate is to be involved. Involvement brings attention, and attention brings clarity. Personally this had changed my life. Here’s one article by him: https://isha.sadhguru.org/in/en/wisdom/article/key-to-staying-focused I think Sadhguru knows much more about attention, concentration, focus, alertness, and the overall mind than Leo. Other minutia If I were to say something else I would just say that Leo has a slight bias toward the “western” way of life and has wrong assumptions about people from other places. The lifestyle of the “west” isn’t all that great. They End I may edit this post later for spelling and grammatical errors, or if I want to add something to it.

Of course, it's just my impression. We could equally say that the act of committing suicide is precisely what you wanted to experience. And indeed, if you do, it's because you exist to do exactly that. In fact I think that in some circumstances, like terminal disease, it's a perfect way to go out, really brave and elegant

Four kinds of people (romantic relationships) PHONY Shady Sneaky Stingy PHONY - phony are people who just pretend to be nice. But they show their fakery later. You feel that fake vibe. They don't mean what they say. They never turn good on their promise. They are pretentious. They are selfish. They say sweet things and later turn their backs on you when you really need them..Disingenuous. Hypocrite. Backstabber Shady - shady in my opinion would be a guy who is dating an underage person. Like they are aware that they are exploiting someone's weaknesses. They know that they are obviously doing something that gives a fair advantage only to them. They are not innocent at all. For days I had been looking for a definition on this. Or an example of what I would think is shady behavior. Obviously this is phony too because the person is not being genuine in their intent or they could be genuine with their words and sincere in their actions yet their shadiness means this Genuineness is pointless. The intent no matter how pure is still meant to benefit one party alone. The intent is calculated and selfish. Other examples of shady people - they use and throw people. They have a history of breaking hearts. They have scammed someone financially. They hide their affairs from their partner. They have covered up their jail record. They have mistreated many people. They have mistreated someone with impunity. They have been ruthless. Their friendships are pure convenience. They have committed atrocities, let's say their past partner has committed suicide because of their cruelty to them. Etc. Shady people can be way worse than phony. A phony can cause temporary feelings of betrayal and disgust and mental anguish. A shady person can literally put your life into jeopardy if you are involved in their master plan without knowing what it is about. They can pretty much screw you up for your whole life. Sneaky - a sneaky is a person who chooses to do things behind your back mostly. For example they might have been gossiping about you with their friends without you knowing it. They might be spying on you secretly. They might be doing silly stuff behind your back or when you are not around just to get away with it. They could be lying to you over little things from time to time. This is not a very harmful behavior. It's simply dishonest but maybe without mal intent. Stingy - a person who spends too little time or money. A person who is not generous. Too calculated, cold. Not selfless. Not giving. Especially when they have a lot of money. They are always thinking what they got to lose. They never want to do anything that doesn't suffice them in some way in the future. They plan everything meticulously and eventually cut you off to meet their own needs. They might not be shady or sneaky. But they abruptly cut you off when they need to in order to fulfill their plan. They keep you on a razors edge. They are careful in how much they barter with you. They never have friends who they don't need. They will constantly judge you, constantly calculate or weigh your value in their life. And cut you the moment they find you unnecessary.

And if you choose suicide, then that's not a acceptable decision? Everything except suicide are okay experiences? Interesting.. There is no evidence that we have actively chosen this stuff. And no evidence for anything else in this thread.. You are just speculating.