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I have a love-hate relationship with God. In fact, I curse God regularly. Why? Because I know nothing is random. Every human, animal, event, situation, plan, system, spiritual teacher, molecule, cell, etc. is manifested or materialized according to God's will. Every form of suffering or ugliness such as child abuse, rape, cancer, depression, self-murder (suicide), murder, ALS, HIV, Hashimoto disease, anxiety, down syndrome, corruption, exploitation, war, bipolar disorder, the natural cycle of animals eating other animals for survival, etc. exists because God wills it. Only a bastard can design such shit. I understand my perspective and perception are limited; hence, I don't see the grandest scheme of things. But my human perspective and perception are all I have. I must honor them. I even intuit that such horrors I mentioned are needed for the highest good and beauty. God is unlimited, hence it's perfect. If there's a perspective which is faulty, it's mine, not God's. I understand these things. But in the end, I must honor my limited perspective and perception. As I have said, it's all I have. I feel doing so is actually more genuine than pretending I have access to God's unlimited perspective and see perfection in all the horrors of this dream existence.

I say this with the utmost sincerity.....all complaints we have are just self-serving, they are just our selfishness. Not saying you aren't allowed to complain, based on what you have posted I am sorry that you are going through what you are going through. Sure you can observe, but observation is not the same as feeling those emotions. Empathy is not sympathy!!! You cannot understand someone unless you walk a mile in their shoes. All those supposed experts learn that they don't know shit. Why? Because it's one thing to observe something, it's another to be in it. Additionally many of those people you mentioned, kill themselves!!! https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psymon-says/202302/why-are-psychologists-at-greater-risk-of-suicide What usually has to happen is people in these occupations have to actually DETACH themselves, because the emotional toil to connect with someone in their emotional despair is taxing!! This is why it is tough to actually find people that empathize with you. It's really easy to sit here in the comfort of our home, and type "Oh I understand..." I am not arrogant enough to think I understand the pain of someone with great physical suffering. Why? Because I went through my own suffering early in my life and I know that suffering can only be understood if you go through it. Only an arrogant ego thinks it can understand something without actually experiencing it, which means you still have much to learn. Don't worry, life will certainly humble that know it all mindset that our egos have....empathy is earned, sympathy is conceptual, empathy is experiential. Leo didn't apologize by accident, we often forget what it feels like to experience pain until we get a HEALTHY reminder. You cannot know LOVE without suffering, you cannot know empathy without suffering. Also I say this with an understanding that you are going through something tough right now. I apologize if I come across offensive as that is not my intention. But empathy is not some trifling thing, empathy is a rare emotional trait that majority of people you meet do not have. Majority of people with empathy are the old, as the young are too arrogant often to know real struggle.

To answer your question, based on some limited research, organized religion as a social construct serves a function of bringing people together. Therefore "banning" suicide is a measure for greater social cohesion. That is from the perspective of a social theory of mine. From a Christian perspective, the purpose of the religion is to "atone for your sins" which you can't do if you kill yourself. You could say the same applies to other religions like Buddhism where there is an outlined process for reaching the after life. If you kill yourself the traditions become effectively moot. There's also the perspective that "life is a gift" and therefore by killing yourself you are ruining a creation. If you are suffering currently and struggling with suicide you should definitely try to reach out for help. As someone who has had suicidal idiations and suffered a bunch in the past, getting help can make a huge difference.

I will paraphrase and expand but Albert Camus proposed in a world of absurdity, nihilism, existential dread, immorality, lack of ethics, depression, etc. the most revolutionary act is to live with morals and ethics and use your individuality to rebel against the system. He felt killing yourself is a surrender or a participation in the machine or you neutralize yourself. Everyone must walk their path. It really depends on what is in your heart. If you kill yourself to spite your ex-girlfriend or as an act of the ego or revenge, that is likely wrong. If you kill yourself as self-immolation to bring attention to injustice that might be noble. If you attain Buddhahood, you may have the option to kill yourself. It is a taboo. Is the taboo justified? Is there some deep wisdom in living? Suicide is likely an act of the ego.

You punish yourself. When you do this kind of suicide you're not open to receiving the Love and so you may experience something else, which is of course entirely your own creation. You don't stop creating when you die, quite the contrary. And if you created hell here on earth for you... well...

It is said that God is unconditional love, yet in religions and spiritual concepts, they speak of punishment or negative karma after suicide... What kind of God would punish a person a second time who was already suffering too much to end their life? I don't find any positive view on suicide in spirituality / religions... Why ? So we are here, some of us suffer deeply almost/all their life and they don't have the right to end their suffering without bad consequences ? A loving God would provide comfort to a person who took their own life because they needed love the most.

Not at all. He's unconsciously ignorant and not malicious at all. I'm not saying suicide is a nobal thing. Personally it's immature to take your life because you can't please your companies desires. But I must say I respect people that dedicate their lives to one thing. Logans behavior is the problematic problem which reflects to the arrogance of the west. The harm of between 2 people on personal matters is not as bad as a Chinese man going to America and burning a flag in front of the white house. Or going to a Dubai embassy to burn a Koran for example. Had Logan gone to Japan and actually spend time talking about suicide with a Japanese person that would have been different than what he did. He was using people's suffering for views. These problems that I'm talking about reflect larger problems than inflicting harm to one person as the other inflicts harm to a nation.

@Tanz Are you assuming a mental state for the majority of Logan Paul's fans and viewers? Do you have data to show how high the suicidal rates are in Japan? So Logan Paul, a white guy, goes to an Asian country to do a social media influencer video, to point a cultural problem as sensitive as suicide, is as wrong as colonizers that came to countries to change their culture, how are the two wrongs here equivalent? Are you being a bit racist and ethnocentric here? Speaking of racism, you just have assumed that Japanese are 'extremely proud' people that rather kill themselves than not try their best? So you've characterized Japanese people suiciding themselves as some noble thing rather than them 'doing their best', and ignore the imperialist Japan during WW2, when allied to Germany, expand onto other countries? What about the samurai time period? What about other parts of Japanese history, and their well known hard working attitude, of being very detailed orientated? Heard of Mitsubishi, Subaru, Toyota? Are yo just biased and hateful against Logan Paul that you are just sweeping under the rug other evils more harmful than Logan's actions?

Such things can give people ideas because it allows people that want to kill themselves am excuse to do so. Japan has insanely high suicide rates. Also a white guy going to an Asian country to point a cultural problem as sensitive as suicide is as wrong as the colonizers that came to other countries trying to change another culture without trying to understand them. Japanese are extremely proud people and rather kill themselves than not to try their absolute best. Toyotas can drive 1 million miles for a reason. Him going to a mass suicide grave yard is shitting on their culture. There's been more violence and death from people not wanting to understand another's culture. Logans so shallow he would never understand the harm he caused even though he's sorry for what he did

@Tanz What crimes suggested of him does not equal rape? The documentary is implying Russel Brand could be a rapist via 4 women witness testimonies, one reporting herself for a rape test kit, anti biotics, why? Because she texted him before, and when she arrived, he was drunk and high and forced himself onto her despite her trying to repel him, he undid her pants and pulled her panties aside, put himself into her. If this testimony is true, this is statutory rape clear as day. Yes, his accusations and what he's YouTube Channel covers are separate, what does that have to do with YouTube's decision to ban him? It's their company and private business space, just like me and you are in this private space of Actualized.org, and why freedom of speech laws do not extend into Actualized.org. You do understand that a business has to think of the costs of their public image being effected, if it's found out that they have hosted a potential rapist in YT right? Just look at what they did to Mr. Girl's Channel, they took it done because a bunch of Nick Fuentes fans and streamers that are alt right mass reported his Channel over the pedophile rap song. What mainstream business wants to be found out they're potentially hosting a pedophile in their YT space, even if later it's found out there was mass reporting done by the Twitch community and abuse of the report function? Compare and contrast their guidelines to this forum's guidelines. What are you assuming of Russel Brand's wife, and Russell Brand's behavior in that time? What if Russel Brand is that charismatic that he fooled his wife into thinking he's a nice normal guy, they date, have sex, got married, have kids, and at this point it's too late for the wife to back out? So because Russell Brand accuses 'big pharma' of lying about the vax that get's him a free pass to say other conspiratorial BS and anti mainstream anti establishment BS? Like do you understand how many more casualties and fatalities that Covid-19 would have if they didn't enforce Covid-19 lockdowns and rushed vaccine development? Do you know that polio, a terrible disease that leads to people paralyzed and relying on iron lung tanks, got wiped out because 'big pharma' western medicine, scientists and capitalists that funded that vaccination development and distribution, that vaccine wiped out polio? So YouTube punished Logan Paul for filming a couple of dead bodies in Japan's suicide forest a couple of years ago, is arguably more dangerous than YouTube hosting a Rapist who could've done those crimes 10-15 years ago? You do know that there's a difference between footage of dead bodies versus hosting a person that may have raped multiple women 10-15 years ago?

Those crimes that you suggest him off does not equal to rape. His accusations and what he says on youtube are two different things. If he was breaking community guidelines regarding youtube then they should suspend him or ban him. Like what Alex Jones did when he said the school shootings were fake. Corporate crime and corruption have been crimes big pharma have done in the past such as the whole opioid epidemic and no one was jailed for it. These types of crimes he has exposed. He has said, if big pharma has done these guilty things how can be trust them? This maybe not a valid point but for some people its enough. Similarly if I had orgies and I was a sex addict, my wife would probably not want to marry me. All of the stuff Russell Brand is guilty of the past, people are holding him against that stuff today. Just like he is accusing big pharma of lying about the vax based on their past. You see how similar your thought process is to him only different stories? Do you see your bias towards him is equivalent to peoples bias over him. Youtubes sales would not be hurt, they punished Logan Paul for filming dead people that committed suicide which is arguably more dangerous than having someone who's possibly committed a crime 15 years ago speak on their platform. Eventually they put him back on their platform because he was making lots of money for them.

There is nothing divine about you. You've just become a puppet, embodying yourself in flesh to live eternally. And this Earth is hell; how can you incarnate into such a stupid and cruel race? I have nothing to do here; I don't even have the right to rest, nothing." Your drugs aren't even helpful, I feel like shit sober & same same when I use drugs to relief the pain of being this eternal puppet. And all of you people, so arrogant you think you have control. You never had control, your life is like a movie, everything's already written and you fool yourself to believe that you have to do XY and Z in order for a thing to happen while this thing was meant to happen no matter what you have thought before. You really believe you can create your reality with your thoughts or emotions? Imagine what you would have created since you were a child. You don't create anything, you just watch your fate unfolds and project thoughts/meaning & stories on what's happening fooling yourself into believing that you created this or that. And when something "bad" happens to you, you go "what did I do to manifest this" ? Nothing you idiot didn't do this shit, it just happened to you because it was always meant to. And there's no "why & how" no but you keep playing this game of seeking, you nourish the illusion of knowledge as if it were going to bring you something. Always the whys and hows, endless question again & again, you will never stop, you are the King of fools. There's nothing Godly about you. The worst are you people believing in spiritual concepts trying to justify your existence with endless ideologies. You cannot escape from Yourself, suicide will not end suffering, nothing will.

@Gabith why do you want to die ? Can you open up a little bit? Maybe I can help you out because I was suicidal in the past . Also btw Once you die the whole of reality will die with you .(not to Encourage you to commit suicide but just sayin).

I want to die but I don't want to kill myself because I hold spiritual beliefs about "something bad will happens after suicide"

If you are so sure of that and you are suffering then why not contemplate suicide?

All true. I am curious why the wealthiest most intelligent people don't find material success ultimately unsatisfying? I would expect more of them would be more vocal about awakening and internal pursuits. Many celebrities and many of us think if we get fame, power, money, etc. we will find happiness. Some successful people do realize material success does not fix their internal life when they reach the pinnacle of their industry. Some turn to drugs or suicide. I was wrong about membership of religious denominations. Here is a link to world memberships. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_religious_populations Thank you all for all your responses.

3-2-1 shadow work: It feels as though there is a deep pain for no one apprecating my work be it excellent and or genius level It feels extremely enticing to do genius level or extremely excellent work that goes beyond what people can perceive as this is the only way I felt I received love and affection for working It feels like shit at times to be black and it the working culture It feels like there is a subtle stirring of unmeet needs in terms of love in family, friendship and relationships It feels often like the only ones who can give me love and have love are the ones realizing there has been some trauma or serious issue It feels like there is a strong surge of love for myself when I have it my mother takes it and keeps it for herself and is in denial, while it's female frenzy about having children, more like a lustful killjoy than actual love It feels like there is a drive of death in all of this saboating my work, it's not depression it feels like an actual feeling of wanting to die It feels like there is a connection to seeing beauty and beign addicted to beauty in a level as it's healing and having this vanity option as the only option for healing, as an alternative for love It feels like only my image is loveable not me as a human It feels like there is a deep existential vail to all the good memories as they are all associated with video games, most female psychotherapist do not understand this, they don't comprehend and get any logical connections, and especially logical and emotional connections a lot of boys & guys have, most psychotherapist do not, as they live extremely healthy and or are toxic to some level It feels like there is deep need for strong connections and bonds so I can find strenght in my work It feels like my character and humour is cripled as it's to extreme for many mostly only very high iq people appreciating that level of darkness This is enough I already have tears in my eyes, the point about death is the most serious for me, I miss the caring touch of a girl who loves me .... HA! Are you gay stupid? Yeah I greet you to. Are you okay? Or are you sabotaging myself emotionally to negate every success you'd also enjoy? HA! You're demise is all to me, I despise you! Dude you sound like some Marcel in my head. In your head in your head, that's your new gaslighting term? Oh the level of glee to justify your existence just to have that little tiny rough feeling, you can'T edge this out in a challenge can't you? And be like everyone else? HAHA why should I? Dude you're so stupid it's incredible... yeah beign gaslit as a teen and kid, then diagnosed as gifted, as some stuff that barely has any research multiple things and rare cases, and you call me stupid? It's not like I am fat and just need to loose weight, because someone bombared and feed me with nasty images about health etc. and subtely shamed me, there is so much connection of stuff, I don't even know how to untangle this. Me neither and I don't care.... Good work shadow....! That's gaslighting!!! Bro you should totally open a schizophrenic comedy, show. Do you even know what that means and that everyones like everyone uses the term incorrectly? Do you know ChatGPT? Yes, you could get answers there instead of bothering me.... yet brooo.... sometimes I feel bad why do you want to kill yourself, you would even ruin my fun? How would you feel having no girlfriend, beign at a model level of looks that beign useless as a guy, unable to properly leverage it, having an IQ above 130, easily could be making 6 figures right now, choosing some conscious option to follow some guy on youtube, to get into all of this b.s, havign your grandma die, having an injury that negates most prolific things that you in recent years created, and was appreciated and loved for, having a heartless mother who get's cheated on, having a father that is absent tell you, I love you I love you, truely meaning it and you feel it, then he completley neglects you, not knowing now if it was real or not, the practical love that you don't feel, yet the intention that you feel? What do I do about this? Loosing all of your friends, people saying you've changed as you started to speak your mind, how much people love and enjoy you when you're conscious and can be truely there for them, neither like your mother nor like your father..., aunt or grandma.... how would that make you feel when everything is lost? Well... everything of this is in me, you just don't see it. What am I not seeing? The love that you're missing and the deep connection is in me.... not in them...I took it and I have it, as you could not take it anymore beign non-reciprocal, you felt how the world sucked it out of you, you blamed the world, blamed your existence etc. It's all your fault. I don't know how to take responsibilities for this, these patterns are quiet deep, and I don't exactly can pinpoint it the psychotherapist I got so angry at them steadily poking at my fahter, as I had more positive experiences, yet now I don't know anymore neither do I care, the guy never truely cared and as a father he is long dead, the pain of having these positive emotions is the most bothering to me, like time sucking cocksuckers who can't realize and appreciate the greatness of what I could do .... I feel so stiffled by just not working properly, I truely don'T know why all of this self-sabotage? Why because of love, I don't get the connection, how can love be so strong?? Why do I have so little of it and it still feels like more than 99.9% of others and why when I have it I feel like the world steals it? Yo... we would talk for hours about this, can you just not give yourself love more and take the pain, love till it hurts seriously hurts, and maybe even kill someone because of it, even if it'S you. *sigh*... the point of talking with you, makes me more sane. I dunno at least you're not a socialized dormat, to what I feel like this is the only thing my mother rewarded the fantasy of a single-mother = suicides for her children. It's disgusting how this ignorant good will is helplessness in her entire nature, she is not enough, she knew it and gave her best I applaud her for that I feel good about it. Yet this shadow session is to huge. I don't know exactly what I am incoperating, what is your gift? Staying in one topic, is such myopia work. I could buy a prosittue for this and tell her to jerk me off, that is how most psychotherapsit feel with their hogwash and "holism" would be fake anal sex I dunno. Go fuck them seriously, fuck psychotherpay and every bullshitter that opens HIS MOUTH YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT CLOSE IT. Where is the aggression coming from triggered by feedback of guesswork? Oh, yes you guessed it. That is something you can co-operate.... you notice you also feel the most help and need for little things in life why is that? I don't know it just is that way.... because I received no love for this and it pains me how it feels like girls and women even take it from me by their sheer existence around me if they act like animals, if they are conscious I feel love, yet if they are more animal I feel death. That is an interesting connection... let's see.... uhm. Why do you feel like this animal/survival thing as death? Is it not a challenge, maybe a challenge of love? Did you ever see love as a challenge? Instead of pain and anger? Not really no, I never saw it as a challenge. Sounds more like some whack idea. Yet you get that all of these challenges and little things are part of the bigger picture of giving yourself love, you do get that? Yes, I get that, and I feel it. Thank you for saying it, yet what do I do with the video game thing... it has gotten so out of hands, that you barely enjoy interacting with other younger humans, especially turkish men, and arab men, it's like they can only think with their dick and their religion and their family maybe, a few a rational assholes, yet it's a few who are higher green that give you more of the good humour and connection based on this crazy culture. Bro this is way to large to handle in one session, I give you your gifts.... notice the connections between animal type of materalism and your drive towards death, it's the utmost nasty isolation you can witness, also the connection about love and challenges, these challenges are part of a growth of self-love.... see that more often, if you take these two things away from this sesssion, oh and that 3'rd one keep away from fake coaches and gurus who neglect your self-inquriry process, they don't appreciate you, they take you as some scientific test study like the average nazi white male does. I am the one who does not see tiny challenges as an opportunity to love myself more I am the one who does not see the connection between materalism, suicide and isolation I am the one who does not see the death drive as a connection to extrem animalistic intentions => leave me alone and give me materal stuff I am the one who is pissed and angry at the guesswork of others I am the one who is not using mini-love to heal myself I am the one not seeing the massive power of self-love and how it helps me deal with the family situation ---- This is it I can't take more out of this session it was way to much to get clarity in this I could work for decades on this, what I just uncovered.

I dunno what to make out of this family situation thing, I saw this also in my teens with a guy where is mother worked endlessly, and just gave him money, two actually they struggled extremely in school, there is also no real father time, and it's emotionally painful to me at times to be with girls, due to how much energy they can crave or how used I am to this, I don't have the most masculine guy friends currently, it's more a feature of this city also, it's family depression somehow. I thought about how, needy my mother is in terms of needing me and not providing, now again that she has a boyfriend I am left alone, yet how long it takes me to come to this realization and the subtle gaslighting etc. I don't know if I'll end up killing myself, it's a huge fear that I have due to how extrem my life has been. I did not find anyone who can seriously help me with this & good friendships are rare without sports and consistently working etc.... I don't know how to deal with the fact that I've never had smth. where I felt it was family besides when I was at the friend of my mothers house, I dunno if calling her helps etc. I just don't like to bother others also, I called the suicide hotline sometime ago, and it wanted to only make it worse to kill myself, I just don't enjoy it how little my family is able to partake in my life because they lack social skill are needy and have no empathy. I feel so devoid of emotions due to how negligent they acted when I was emotional and the gasligthing and the sub-current of victim mentality of "understanding" etc. I don't think my mother get's the connection of what it means to be in a family, not act like one. I've never seen a more egotistical asshole, in terms of beign negligent and caring. I dunno how to describe it, when I am conscious and meditating I can forgive her, yet it's absolute torment for me to go through this, as I cry and have minor breakdowns due to this, it is healing, yet it's painful to see her in other faces. Of negligent duty bound meritocracy whores, who shame you for merit. and applaud themselves in cynnical irony only to sip wine again, then beign in denial. This was every evening and she denies this, I don't know also, yet for me it was every evening. I had no joy interacting as I had to make so many comprimises you just know at one point caring about yourself does more good, and not engaging with the others need. It's also her if she get's cheated on, to some extend, if it happens more then once, she chooses the wrong partner, she chooses stage red drives over conscious higher level drives, as she lacks disciplien and is lazy. It's like a red/purple hell at times with girls. Or heaven. I don't exactly know what else to type here.... I feel so unreciprocated solving highly complex issues, beign gaslit about doing good in the world from my direct family and the ignorance of society, and how painful it is to see mostly how strongly other's get back into their families. Even when they are toxic they go back, as they know there is some strong familiarity bond, same goes for me, yet she does not get the connections of how she undermined my success, by her behaviour. Helpless stupid cow, behaviour, impatient and angry, projects every fault to others and blames others and denies this, cynnical and gloating character as that is the only depth this person every saw, shadows without end's in relationships, absolutely not present only in nature, feels like shit to be around her. Stubborn as fuck. What can I say about her? Of course there are positive qualities, yet it's like.... my aunt is even worse as she lashes out and would get violent, my whole German family has anger issues the same with the American most likely. She also has to trigger others etc. and gaslights with :"that was just a joke" not respecting boundaries. It took her a long time to realize what asshole she was, and what she does only to have her freedom, I hope seriously at one point she just dies. My aunt hated my grandma and hoped that she died for pains, said this how often now would be in denial about this. They are all in denial about it. My grandma was the only one who had love to give, she might was a little rough at times, yet she at least had some level of love, the issue is German culture and heartlesness, the issue of strength in this culture and the war's. I really would like to be back with my old psychotherapist she really helped..., yet I feel as though I did stuff just wrong etc... I'll do a shadow work sessions right now around pride etc... how it helps. ...

I think ultimate health is loss of boundary and loss of an identity. Death is the ultimate health. Edit: I don't think I want to post such things in the future, because I feel bad that people read this and believe this. Maybe this is true in some significant aspect in my life and I have my reasons for why I think so, but somebody else now will justify suicide with this which I am not justifying etc.

Did the person committed suicide ?

If you genuinely have a method that can prevent suicide/ cure depression, then you have a product worth infinite value. Your issue is simply how to market it. You should find 10 people who are struggling with depression/ suicidal ideation, cure them, have them write testimonials for your services then use their examples to find paying clients. You could also share these methods in the form of youtube videos or a course or something to build a personal brand around curing depression, basically a life coach

I have been considering a different route for my life purpose. Currently, I am working with a chess in schools program. However, I could do more good for the students if emotional mastery were taught in schools instead of chess. The closest thing to this goal I found is isha inner engineering by Sadhguru. I have considered this route before. I was stumped because I don't know how to change the educational system. If I went to college I think my major would be politics with minors in philosophy and psychology. The problem is, I don't know what to do next. How do I go about changing something like this? I happen to be passionate about this issue because I know that I found something that could prevent suicide. It is a combination of spirituality, psychology, philosophy, and other fields. It may include cognitive behavioral therapy, which has good empirical evidence for reducing self harm. A lot of this came up while I was in the hospital due to withdrawal symptoms from anti depressants. I was able to apply what I learned from this site in a way that made group therapy more effective. This includes a bible study in which I helped a woman who lost both her children recently. I clearly have the potential to go far in this direction, but I don't know how. Should I go to college? Should I join a movement? Should I join isha engineering? Should I do more inner work on myself to be better qualified to teach it? Should I write a book? Should I restructure the educational system? Where do I go with this life purpose?

If you truly have transcended death then I expect that you commit suicide ASAP. Why ? Just to explore different kinds of lives other from this . Why not if you don't fear death ? Just by being alive entails that you fear death . So by definition no one alive is not afraid of death.

What is Death? Lie Separation Suffering Fear Self Hatred Devil Darkness Ignorance Ugliness Evil Hell Chaos Disharmony Guilt Victimhood Addiction Prison Manipulation Harm Distraction Hatred Greed Fake Conflict Intoxication Sickness Shame Illusion Ignorance Unawareness Boredom Depression Suspicion Destruction Violence Gluttony Atheism Disconnection Numbness Manipulation Self Harm Madness Craziness Perversion Anger Dysfunction Disability Arrogance Toxicity Distortion Disgust Bizarreness Unconsciousness Cage Suicide What is Life? Truth Unity Joy Thriving Love Self Love Awakening God Light Wisdom Beauty Good Paradise Order Harmony Innocence Radical Forgiveness Virtue Freedom Liberation Integrity Goodness Presence Kindness Abundance Realness Peace Sobriety Health Shameless Reality Understanding Awareness Magic Vitality Trust Creation Kindness Discipline Spirituality Connection Passion Desire Charisma Erotic Happiness Adventure Exploration Elegance Grace Flow Being Ease Pleasure Ecstasy Primal Wild Consciousness Heaven Appreciation Gratitude Home Homecoming Soul

Contemplating my life, what to do, where to direct my energy. I though why am I so ignorant/stupid. Why am I in so much pain. And I went deep into who am I specifically as an Ego. And down the rabbit hole I went. I understood that majority of my problems occured that I didn't have a father in my life (I grew up with my mom). And my body had this disfunctional type of energy to it, it seemed like something was way off. Like some kind of "energy-cord" is not attached to me. And I understood that this body was born out of un-happyness. That in some way in the process of making this body there was a lack of energies to make it functional. And I understood that I'am FILTH. This body is stamped with darkness in an energy way. And this body can only attract darkness (other people who are of the same filth energy background) and there is no way I can attract good energy people, it's just not possible. It's like you are a LEGO brick which can fit another, but I cant fit some, I even saw some kind of triangular shapes that matches some people and some dont, it was super amazing to actually kind of see that stuff with my minds eye. And then it hit me that God put me specifically in this body for my past-life karma. I saw my Soul was very dirty, just darkness, as "Evil", that I have done something really bad in the past. And this life of mine that I'am living through is actualy hell for my Soul, the stupidity, the filth that I attract in my life is all for my past-life karma. And in that moment I realized that I will have to life through a thousand more lives of suffering in order to "wash off" my Soul. I was on all four on the floor and cried like a bitch in the eyes of God, begging mercy for my Soul. But God was silent, observing me sort of "It is what it is". And the most painful thing to realize was that I will not finish it in this life-time. All of this knowledge, all of this undoing of my egoic shit will not get me I'am using this word vaguely - "Enlightened", because God will never accept such a Dark Soul. That was painful. And even I randomly contemplated that suicide was stupid too, it wouldn't get me anywhere LOL. I have this life and I must live through it, there is no short-cuts. Actually this whole insight that all of the shit that I'am going through is my karma kinda made my life way easier. I mean I earned this. And I'am taking it like a man. This experienced was core breaking for my Soul. It's like a mirror was shined to it to see what it actually is. The paradox is I don't understand how could this body with this kind of "darkness/filth" stuck to it have so much light radiating out. I can just speak of myself as this - "I'am Filthy Light"